Harry Potter - Post-OOP

** = post-HBP
*** = post-DH

Copyright 2003, 2005 by Cauis Marcius, except You're Telling The Truth Copyright 2003 by Gail; A Wizard's Life Copyright 2003 by Jenny; Ode to the Boy Who Lived Copyright 2003 by Terra; Crazy In Life and In Hell Copyright 2003 by Manda; Better Be Good to Me and With a Lot of Help from My Friends Copyright 2003, 2004 by Phyllis; Castle By The Lake Copyright 2003 by Veresna Ussep; I'm So Tired Copyright 2003 by Motone; The Burrow Fair Copyright 2003 by Ginger; I Will Survive Copyright 2003 by Josh Riddle; Harry Potter Was a Famous Boy Copyright 2003 by Loony Moony; Love My Friends Copyright 2003 by ereturtle18; Prima Donna Copyright 2004 by ainira; Along Comes Harry Copyright 2004 by Tuireol; Wizarding Rhapsody Copyright 2004 by Polish Girl; Harry, A Missing Horcrux and On Your Own Copyright 2004, 2006-2007 by RJ Lupin; An Ode to Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix Copyright 2004 by Indigo Ziona; If I Weren't the Marked One Copyright 2004 by Ravenclaw Bookworm; Bad Potions, Beer for My Dragons, Butterbeer, Take Me Away, Come Back, Potter-Fast, Have You Ever Felt the Pain?, Hogwarts School, Give Me Tools, I'm Your Seeker and Prophecy Copyright 2004 by Richard; All Right Now and Railway to School Copyright 2004, 2005 by Jason LeBouef; Hogwarts State of Mind Copyright 2004 by Eustace Scrubb; Harry Copyright 2004 by Wolfwoman; Boy-Who-Lived, The Emo Song, I'll Fight Alone, Joy to the World, Lily Potter Eyes, Mad World and Wanna-Be Copyright 2005-2007 by The Final Stillness of Saturn; H. Potter, Chosen One Copyright 2005 by Fyre; Scar Copyright 2006 by The Dark Evil One; Because You All Loved Me Copyright 2005 by Alessandra C.; One of Those Years Copyright 2006 by Prankaholic; The Prophecy Copyright 2007 by Bandersnatch and weirdsis; I Miss Ron Copyright 2007 by Anton; The Man from Godric's Hollow and Three of Us Copyright 2007 by Randy Estes; Hogwarts (aka, Harry's Lament) Copyright 2007 by Dawn Jaekel; The Ballad of Harry Potter Copyright 2007 by Andy Poe

To the tune of Buddy's Blues from Sondheim's Follies

THE SCENE: The Playground at Little Whinging. Enter HARRY, sliding to center stage

HARRY (to the readers):
Hello, folks, welcome to The Phoenix!
First off, folks, let's pause for a spell.
OK folks, 'cause before we see Six--
I've got a couple problems that I just have to tell…..

See, I've been very perturbed of late, very upset,
Very distressed and alone.
Awake or asleep, there's always some threat
It's PTSD - or maybe hormones?

I've got those
"Hey-he's-resurrected-but-nobody-will-believe-me"
Blues,
That "How-can-they-all-deride-me-when-they-know-that-I'm-the-good-guy?"
Feeling
That
"No-one-can-appreciate-how-bravely-I-fought"
And, "I-did-it-all-through-dumb-luck-and-those-skills-can't-be-taught"
Those
"Snape-is-such-a-git-and-how-could-Dad-treat-him-so-rotten?"
Feelings,
Those
"Tell-me-you-believe-me-oh-you-do-who-cares-what-you-think"
Blues.

A slower tempo, as an imaginary RON appears before HARRY - all of RON'S lines are spoken

Ronnie, Oh, Ronnie,
He says that he supports me.

"RON":
Support you

HARRY:
-he says.
He says he's my ally.

"RON":
A lie, a lie…

HARRY:
But through some crummy deal

"RON":
….me deal

HARRY:
-it seems.
Ron's Prefect, not I

"RON":
I'm Prefect, gol' darnit!

HARRY:
And so that night we partied-

"RON":
We partied-

HARRY:
- we did
The twins said they'd be sick.

"RON":
(makes wretching noises)

HARRY:
They say Prefects are all nerds-

"RON":
Are all nerds….

HARRY:
-they said.
In this our opinions both click!

The music resumes a quick tempo

"RON" (takes off on his Cleansweep in pursuit of the Quaffle)
Don't stop! Don't stop!
I've got it! I've got it!
Come back!

Exit "RON"

HARRY:
I've got those
"They-should-know-I'm better-than-Ron-Weasley-don't-you-think-so?"
Blues,
That
"Am-I-low-enough-to-devastate-my-best-friend's-greatest-triumph?"
Feeling.
That
"I-can't-stand-to-hear-him-when-he-bickers-with-Herm
SO-I'LL-JUST-SCREAM-AT-HIM-IN-CAPS-UNTIL-HIS-EARS-BURN"
Those
"'I'm-really-glad-to-help-you'-in-a-horrible-and-fake-voice"
Feelings,
Those
"I'm-so-glad-to-see-you,"
"I'm-glad-Hedwig-scratched-you,"
"It's-good-that-you-made-our-team-as-Keeper-you-dumb-loser -
Ron-I-saved-your-father-though-I-might-have-meant-to-kill-him"
Blues!

An imaginary DUMBLEDORE joins HARRY on the playground. DUMBLEDORE'S lines are spoken

Dumble... Oh, Dumble...
He says I'm like no other -

"DUMBLEDORE":
No other-

HARRY:
-he says,
A hero he proclaims

"DUMBLEDORE":
Claims, claims

HARRY:
He says I fight off evil.

"DUMBLEDORE":
Evilevilevilevil

HARRY:
-he says.
From Flamel to Flame

"DUMBLEDORE":
Phlegm in the flame!?

HARRY:
But now he sends no letters-

"DUMBLEDORE":
No letters!-

HARRY:
-He sends
Won't look me in the eye

"DUMBLEDORE":
Aye, aye, aye.

HARRY:
He must think that I'm a failure

"DUMBLEDORE":
You fail your-

HARRY:
-it seems.
An army I'd lead for that guy!

"DUMBLEDORE" (ostentatiously avoiding eye contact):
Ooh! Ooh!
Don't look! Don't look!
Ah! Ah!

Re-enter "RON" , as the music returns for a very fast tempo for the grand finale

HARRY:
I've got that….

ALL:
"Saving-people-thing-that's-putting-everyone-in-danger"
Blues-

"DUMBLEDORE & RON":
Bla-bla-blues-!

ALL:
That
"Go-on-and-ignore-me/him-and-just-see-how-much-I/he-suffer(s)"
Feeling-

"DUMBLEDORE & RON":
Feeling-!

HARRY:
That
"Don't-treat-me-like-a-child-when-I'm-as-grown-up-as-you"-

"DUMBLEDORE & RON":
Woo-!

HARRY:
And "If-you-don't-agree-I'll-hold-my-breath-and-turn-blue"

"DUMBLEDORE & RON":
Ooh-!

HARRY:
Those
"How-dare-you-show-you're-human-when-it-interrupts-my-tantrum"
Feelings.

"DUMBLEDORE & RON":
Bla-bla-blues-!

HARRY:
Those
"Boy-Who-Lived-Dog-Who-Died,
Sibyll-T.-said-I'm-gonna
Voldy-sought-it-as-I-dreamt-it
Lou-grabbed-for-it-Neville-smashed-it"

ALL
"Nightmare-Doomsday
DE-DA".

HARRY
"Yes-he's-resurrected-and-my-destiny's-to-kill-him…."

ALL:
…..Blues!

A filk by Indigo Ziona to the tune of American Pie by Don McLean

A long time time ago,
I can still remember
How Harry made the kids all smile
I didn't know it would be our fate
That JKR made people wait
For Order of the Phoenix for a while
June 21st made me excited
All Potter fans were so delighted
Good news, there was a new book
We couldn't wait to take a look
I can't remember how I tried
To stay relaxed till it arrived
But I was happy deep inside
The day of HP5

So, my, my, let's see our Harry fly
Let him finally get a girlfriend, make Cho Chang say goodbye
And some guys might just give the new book a try,
Saying, "We all want to see who will die,
We all want to see who will die."

Did you see the boy outside
Of the Dursleys' house, trying to hide
Listening to the radio?
And do you believe Dudley's giving knocks
We hear that boy has learned to box
But Dementors make him start to act real slow
Well we thought that Mrs. Figg was glib
Turns out that she's a secret Squib
But the lack of friendly news
It gives Harry the blues
But then he gets to Grimmauld Place
With a hearing that he has to face
Our hearts they beat at quickened pace
The day of HP5

We were singing, my, my, let's see our Harry fly
Let him finally get a girlfriend, make Cho Chang say goodbye
And some guys might just give the new book a try,
Saying, "We all want to see who will die,
We all want to see who will die."

Now he luckily gets back to school
But many things are just not cool
With Evil Umbridge teaching there
A Defence Club called the DA
Gives hopes that they might save the day
But Umbridge loves Fudge too much to care
And Harry's having scary dreams
About the Dark Lord's wicked schemes
But these dreams to escape
He must learn from Snape
But then he learns about his Dad
And makes our Snapie very mad
And we're all feeling rather sad
The day of HP5

We started singing, my, my, let's see our Harry fly
Let him finally get a girlfriend, make Cho Chang say goodbye
And some guys might just give the new book a try,
Saying, "We all want to see who will die,
We all want to see who will die."

Delores Umbridge - what a dumb bitch
She banned our heroes from their Quidditch
(But the Weasley twins soon gave her hell)
Harry ends up kissing Cho
And every shipper cries out, "No!"
But Harry also ditches her as well
And Dumbledore had played a trick
To save the DA - and then left quick
Now Umbridge is the Head
And we all wish her dead…
The Quibbler tells of Harry's tale
Each student gets it in the mail
Then they take OWLs, hope they won't fail
The day of HP5

And we're singing, my, my, let's see our Harry fly
Let him finally get a girlfriend, make Cho Chang say goodbye
And some guys might just give the new book a try,
Saying, "We all want to see who will die,
We all want to see who will die."

A dream of Padfoot leaves Harry scared
For the next fight, they get prepared
Lead Umbridge into the centaurs' grip
They ride the thestrals to the Ministry
Get near to Harry's prophecy
But then ambushing Death Eaters let rip
And Lestrange makes their mission fail
She curses Sirius through the veil
Dumbledore is too late
To save him from his fate
But after Voldemort's attack
To Hogwarts the rest safely get back
And we all mourn for Sirius Black
The day of HP5

And we were singing, my, my, let's see our Harry fly
Let him finally get a girlfriend, make Cho Chang say goodbye
And some guys might just give the new book a try,
Saying, "We all want to see who will die,
We all want to see who will die."

Voldemort has made the news
But that's no help to Harry's blues
There's much fighting to be done
And he soon speaks Dumbledore
Who explains all that's gone before
And tells him how the battle must be won
Luna says some kindly words
About the voices that she heard
And dreadful words were spoken
In the prophecy that's broken
And he knows that he must surely try
He must see the Dark Lord die
And we all finish with a sigh
The day of HP5

And we were singing, my, my, barely saw Harry fly
But we saw him get a girlfriend and then Cho said goodbye
We'll certainly give the sixth book a try
But why did Sirius have to die?
Why did Sirius have to die?

And we were singing, my, my, barely saw Harry fly
But we saw him get a girlfriend and then Cho said goodbye
We'll certainly give the sixth book a try
But why did Sirius have to die?

A filk by Motone to the tune of I'm So Tired by the Beatles

HARRY
I'm so tired, don't wanna sleep a wink
I'm so tired, it seems my mind is linked
I wonder should I get up and teach myself a jinx
No no no

I'm so tired, I don't know what to do
I'm so tired, my mind is within you
I wonder should I stop you but my friends don't think it's true

They say I'm putting them on
But it's no joke, it's doing me harm
Don't know I can't sleep, I can't stop my brain
And with all these dreams, I'm going insane
You know I yell at all I got, and just
For a little peace of mind.

I'm so tired, I'm feeling quite upset
Although I'm so tired, my anger has not yet been met
And curse Professor Umbridge,
She is such a stupid git.

She says to write all night long
In detention, it's doing me harm

You know I can't stop, I can't shut my trap
You've known it all year, that Voldemort's back
You know I'd give you everything I got
For a little peace of mind

Give you everything I got
For a look inside your mind.

I'd give you everything I got
Just to protect my mind.

A filk by Fyre to the title tune of Lloyd Webber's Jesus Christ Superstar

Setting: Draco (followed by a group of girls) is taunting Harry as he walks to Umbridge's office after another day of getting detention because of something or other.

DRACO:
Ev'ry time a see that scar I don't understand
Why everything you do gets way outta hand
Your life would be better if you had it planned
Guys like me, as you know are in a great demand
If you died today, it would be as if you'd taken vacation
Muggles these days have no real sense of confirmation

GIRLS:
But you've got me wrong

DRACO:
But you've got me wrong

GIRLS:
But you've got me wrong, now

DRACO:
Why'd you get me wrong?

GIRLS:
But you've got me wrong

DRACO:
But you've got me wrong!

GIRLS:
But you've got me wrong

DRACO:
Yes, you've got me wrong

GIRLS:
Only wanna know

DRACO:
I only wanna know

GIRLS:
Only wanna know, now

DRACO:
Only wanna know

GIRLS:
Only wanna know

DRACO:
Just wanna know

GIRLS:
Only wanna know, yeah

DRACO:
I ONLY WANNA KNOW!

GIRLS:
H. Potter, H. Potter,
Who are you?
Why are you such a rotter?
H. Potter, H. Potter,
Who are you?
Why are you such a rotter?

H. Potter, Chosen One,
You think detention is so much fun
H. Potter, Chosen One,
You think detention is so much fun

DRACO:
Tell me 'bout the others with you up at the top
Who is there, besides yourself the pick of the crop?
Weasley, is he where it's at, is he where you are?
Did Granger get all those Os or was that just PR?

Did you mean to survive like that, was it a mistake or
Did you know that reversed spell would be a his' try maker?

GIRLS:
But you've got me wrong

DRACO:
But you've got me wrong

GIRLS:
But you've got me wrong, now

DRACO:
Why'd you get me wrong?

GIRLS:
But you've got me wrong

DRACO:
But you've got me wrong!

GIRLS:
But you've got me wrong

DRACO: Yes, you've got me wrong

GIRLS:
Only wanna know

DRACO:
I only wanna know

GIRLS:
Only wanna know, now

DRACO:
Only wanna know

GIRLS:
Only wanna know

DRACO:
Just wanna know

GIRLS:
Only wanna know, yeah

DRACO:
I ONLY WANNA KNOW!

GIRLS:
H. Potter, H. Potter,
Who are you?
Why are you such a rotter?
H. Potter, H. Potter,
Who are you?
Why are you such a rotter?

H. Potter, Chosen One,
You think detention is so much fun
H. Potter, Chosen One,
You think detention is so much fun

(repeat until you drive yourself crazy)

A filk by Manda to the tune of Crazy In Love by Beyonce Knowles.

He's a wizard, black hair, and his green eyes.
Scar is burning more and more anytime
When it's searing his begging the pain to go,
Yelling and moaning, rolling around all over the floor.
It's a funny thing for him to try and explain,
To people who thinks he just wants attention
Because no one else will understand
They think he wants sympathy towards him

They're all thinking he's crazy right now
The Daily Prophet is saying he's crazy right now
Semus is saying he's crazy right now
And Malfoy is bragging how he hates him right now,
Harry hopes that Cho will ask him out
And knows that Umbridge is just a mad cow
But his life is so crazy,
His life,
Life is making him crazy right now

When he talks to his close friend Hermoine,
She's saying 'Lavender Brown thinks you're crazy'
Cedric died by a supposedly dead nemesis
You were there with no other proper witness
A new term starts and you come here refreshed and new,
With no explanation about what happened last term at school
So they still don't understand,
You dueled with the one in which everyone's been scared.

Harry's been looking so crazy right now,
Daily Prophet is saying he's crazy right now,
Class is hoping he'd tell them right now,
Truth is revealing as madness right now,
Looking so crazy, Daily Prophet, Daily Prophet is saying he's crazy right now
He's looking so crazy,
They saying, 'he's looking so crazy right now

A filk by Phyllis to the tune of With a Little Help from My Friends by Lennon/McCartney

HARRY:
What would you do if I led you astray
Would you fire up and floo away from me?
Lend me your minds and I'll teach you a charm
A Patronus you can really see

Oh, I got by Tom with a lot of help from my friends
Mm, I've formed an army with a lot of help from my friends
Mm, gonna survive with a lot of help from my friends

What do I do now my Godfather's gone
Does it anger you that you should have known?
How do I feel when each day is so long
Are you sad because you're on your own?

No, I endure each day with a lot of help from my friends
Mm, I've formed an army with a lot of help from my friends
Mm, gonna survive with a lot of help from my friends

Do you need anybody?
I have a void to fill
Could it be anybody?
Somebody Jo won't kill

Would you believe that Marietta would give us away?
Yes, I'm certain her spots are doing well
What would have happened if Kingsley hadn't had his way?
I would probably have been expelled

Oh, I escaped Fudge with a lot of help from my friends
Mm, I've formed an army with a lot of help from my friends
Mm, gonna survive with a lot of help from my friends

Do you need anybody?
I need a girlfriend to date
Could it be anybody?
Anyone who is easy to sate

Oh, I got over Cho with a lot of help from my friends
Mm, I've formed an army with a lot of help from my friends
Mm, gonna survive with a lot of help from my friends

Yes I get by with a lot of help from my friends
With a lot of help from my friends

A filk by Alessandra C. to the tune of Because You Loved Me by Celine Dion

HARRY (to Ron and Hermione):
For all those times you stood by me
For all the notes that you let me see
For all the chess games we played at night
For all the times you held me tight
For all the bad you pulled me through
For all the love I found in you
I'll be forever thankful friends
You're the one who held me up
Never let me fall
You're the one who helped me through
Through it all.

You were my strength when I was weak
You don't flinch when with snakes I speak
You fixed my glasses when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Cheering me up when in trouble deep
You gave me trust 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me.

HARRY (to Dumbledore and McGonagall):
You gave me a broom and made me fly
I caught the snitch racing through the sky
I lost my family, you saw to protect me
From all that fame I couldn't face
You stood by me and I stood tall
I had your love, I had it all
I'm grateful for the advices you gave me
Hogwarts, it is just the place
Where I first met friends so true
I was blessed because I was loved by you.

You were my strength when I was weak
You were the ones there to hear me speak
You keep an eye on me everywhere I go
You taught me all the things I know
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me hope 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me.

HARRY (to them all):
You were always there for me
A tender group that carried me
A light in the dark shining your love into my life
You've been my inspiration
Taught me to tell right from wrong
My world is a better place because of you.

You were my strength when I was weak
A helping hand whenever I was in need
You showed me truth when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me strength 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me.

A filk by Veresna Ussep to the tune of Castle on a Cloud from Les Miz

HARRY:
There is a castle by the lake
Far from my muggle family
It's Hogwart's School of Wizardry
That is my castle by the lake

Headmaster Albus Dumbledore
Thinks I'm a ripping Gryffindor
But others think I'm quite a fake
There in my castle by the lake

There is a teacher all in black
Loathes me and wishes I would die
His eyes are cold
And his words do sting
He said, "Clearly, fame isn't everything"

Snape is the teacher that I hate
He makes he feel like quite an ass
It's highly doubtful I will pass
Potions at Hogwarts, by the lake

A filk by Loony Moony to the tune of The Most Offensive Song Ever from South Park

Howdy ho
Harry Potter was just a baby
When Voldemort attacked
He wasn't scared, well a little maybe
But still he managed to fight back

But he didn't intend to do it
cause he was only twelve months old
but he took less damage then that Voldemort git
and then many stories were told

Then Harry was a famous boy
With a scar on his forehead, lightning
Then Harry was a famous boy
And he was called 'the boy who lived'
And now he's popular among the chicks
But he might have been using magic
And he is very rich and he is more then happy to give

Harry Potter likes his Hogwarts life
And he loves his friends and broom
He tries to forget all worries and strife
That he will face when the trees already bloomed

Cause he can only stay at school during autumn
Winter and then finally spring
Cause when the summer arrives he'll go to his dumb
And evil relatives who wont let him sing

But Harry Potter is a famous boy
With a scar on his forehead, lightning
Harry Potter was a famous boy
And should be treated with some respect
And the Dursleys should treat him good
Cause Harry would kill them if he could
Thanks to the Dursley's Harry's childhood is totally wrecked

That's right
But once Harry got an offer
He could live with Black if he liked
But the dementors were after his godfather
So Sirius had to hide and hike

So Harry Potter never got the chance too
Live with his dad's best friend
cause he got killed by Bellatrix so cruel
And back to the Dursley's Harry was sent

Cause Harry was a famous boy
With the scar on his forehead, lightning
Harry Potter was a famous boy
And needed to watch out for You-Know-Who
They said he was safe in the Muggle world
But one shouldn't trust those words
Cause Voldemort knows where he lives and so do you

Harry Potter is a famous boy
With a scar on his forehead, lightning
Harry Potter is a famous boy
And he's a Seeker in his team
Cause Quidditch is his favourite sport
So he's glad he came to Hogwarts
And when he flies his broom he faces the world with a beam
And when he flies his broom he faces the world with a beam

A filk by Ginger to the tune of Scarborough Fair/Canticle by Simon and Garfunkel

Note: The canticle is imposed over the verses in the original. I have tried to achieve this effect by putting the canticle in parentheses. You may want to bring a friend if you are like me and attempt to sing along with filks.

I imagine a younger Harry (circa CoS) singing the verses whilst an older Harry (latter OoP) sings the canticle.

Are you going to the Burrow fair?
Percy, Fred, George, Ginny and Ron.
Remember me to one who lives there.
Like a mum since my mum is gone.

Tell her to knit me a sweater of jade.
(In a bed in a tower with hangings around)
Percy, Fred, George, Ginny and Ron.
(Dreaming of hallway in buildings unknown)
Like one for whom each Weasley's made.
(Wrapped up in bedclothes the child who is dreaming)
Like a mum since my mum is gone.
(Sleeps and yet slithers in Ministry halls)

Tell her to make me a dozen mince pies.
(At the end of a hall a doorway appears)
Percy, Fred, George, Ginny and Ron.
(Prophesy there in beckoning dreams)
Her domestic skills which all of us prize.
(A wizard grasps and posseses a mind)
Like a mum since my mum is gone.

Tell her to make me fudge that is homemade.
(Dumbledore's Army from thestrals dismounted)
Percy, Fred, George, Ginny and Ron.
(You-Know-Who orders Death Eaters to kill)
With her added love, it's Honeyduke's grade.
(And to fight for a cause that's best to be forgotten)
Like a mum since my mum is gone.

A filk by Josh Riddle to the tune of Gloria Gaynor's I Will Survive

HARRY:
First I was afraid
I was terrified
Kept wishing I had never gone
Along at Cedric's side
But then I've spent so many nights
Hearing Fawkes' phoenix song
And I've grown strong
And now I'm ready to fight on

And so you're back
Begin the chase
I just woke up and know you're pleased
With that mad grin upon your face
I should have grabbed that stupid cup
I should have summoned it to me
If I had done it long ago
Cho'd be with Ced 'stead of me

Go on now Vol, fly out the door
Don't turn around now
'Cause you'll get caught by Dumbledore
Weren't you the one who tried to trick me with your lies
You think I'd give up
You think I'd lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
As long as we've got Dumbledore
I know we'll be all right
My scar is full of pain
I've got a class I've got to train
And I'll survive
I will survive
Hey, Hey!

It took all the strength I had
Not to let it go
Kept trying hard to hold my wand up on that fateful night
And I spent oh so many nights
Just feeling guilty about Ced
I used to cry
But it's not my fault that he died
I said, "You!"
"It was You!"
Cedric Diggory was killed on that night by You-Know-Who
And so The Prophet's telling lies 'cuz they can't bring themselves to see
That Lord Voldemort is back right now and coming after me

Go on now Vol, fly out the door
Don't turn around now,
'Cause you'll get caught by Dumbledore
Weren't you the one who tried to trick me with your lies
You think I'd give up
You think I'd lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
As long as we've got Dumbledore
I know we'll be all right
My scar is full of pain
I've got a class I've got to train
And I'll survive
I will survive
Oh…

Go on now Vol, fly out the door
Don't turn around now
'cause you'll get caught by Dumbledore
Weren't you the one who tried to trick me with your lies
You think I'd give up
You think I'd lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
As long as we've got Dumbledore
I know we'll be all right
My scar is full of pain
I've got a class I've got to train
And I'll survive
I will survive
I will survive!

A filk by Manda to the tune of Unwell

All the time
Staring at the page and while writing,
Watching blood turn into ink.
All night,
Feeling pain with his right hand aching,
"I must not tell lies"
Because he had an outburst in class,
Or something..

Hold on,
Feeling like he's seeing Voldemort,
In this dreams,
And he doesn't know why.

He's not crazy,
But he knows he's not quite well,
That gossip,
Is annoying him like hell.
If they stayed awhile,
Then maybe they could see,
The truthful story.

He's not crazy,
But his dreams seem quite impaired,
But he thinks
Dumbledore doesn't care,

But soon enough,
People will finally see,
That he doesn't just make up stories..
Not really talking much in public,
And dodging glances in the class.
He knows,
He knows everyone is talking about him,
He can hear them whisper,
They're convinced that there must be something wrong
With him,
Over the summer holidays, they're thinking,
Somehow,
He's lost his mind.

But he's not crazy
He's just not feeling quite well,
That scar,
Prickled like hell,
Staying awhile at detention,
Made him see,
Umbridge is against him.
He's not crazy,
He's just a little bit scared,
Of sleep,
And what is there,
But soon enough,
He's going to see,
Voldemort's mental telepathy.

He's been squirming in his sleep,
Pretty soon, Voldemort will come to get him,
And take over his mind..

He's not crazy,
But he's not feeling very well.
He knows, right now,
No one can tell,
But if they stayed awhile,
Maybe then they'd see,
He's doesn't have false stories.
He's not crazy,
His hand is just a little impaired,
He knows,
Umbridge does not care,
But soon enough,
She is going to see,
The truth in his story..

A filk by Tuireol to the tune of Along Comes Mary by The Association

DUMBLEDORE:
Every time I think that I'm the only one
Who knows what's best for Wizardry
Then something happens suddenly I spend my time at rhymes
And reasons seasons pull to me

And then along comes Harry!

And everybody calls him quick, and he knows the trick,
And Fate will pick his Enemy-y-y!
And someday we'll be telling tales about the frail situations,
Everyone will see-ee-e! Ahh!

When he somehow survived that attack,
Where were Remus Lupin and Sirius Black?

When strong desire sets the fire in their eyes
They say that they were gonna save the day
And when Lord Voldemort held court before his folks
Awoke, where little Peter gave away

And then along comes Harry!
He made up for what he lacks, and stopped them in their tracks
We all will know his na-a-ame!
To live with muggles and things went as planned, the tender hand was gone,
He'll never be the sa-a-ame! Ahh!

When he somehow survived that attack,
Where were Remus Lupin and Sirius Black?

Instrumental

And now the morning of the warning's here,
I fear the weary kid is strung out way too far
The psychodramas and the traumas all around him
Will be sung and hung upon his scar

Because along comes Harry,
And does he want to see the stains, the dead remains of pains
He left the night befo-o-ore!
Or will he see their eyes and hear the cries, and then he'll realize
He's in this hell forevermore? Ahh!

When he somehow survived that attack,
Where were Remus Lupin and Sirius Black?
Si-ri-us-Black
Si-ri-us-Black
Sirius Black!

A filk by Polish Girl to the tune of Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen.

CHORUS:
In Book One we learned
Harry's the Boy Who Lived
He's lost his parents
In an attack by Lord Voldie

It's opened our eyes
Up in the skies we see

Hagrid on a motorbike
Sneaking in the dead of night
Because he's dropping off
Precious cargo
Little bundle
Lets it go
And for eleven years now
We won't know what becomes of he
Harry P...

Voldie, what have you done?
You're a low-down piece of scum
Leaving Harry with no-one
Voldie, you're a menace too
But one day it'll happen to you...

Voldie, ooooh...
You wanted to kill him too
But your evil plan went straight down the loo
Can't carry on, you're gone
And you don't really matter...

Harry suffers in misery
At the hands of Vernon D
And his wife who's just like he
And their son Dudley
Who's got a brain the size of a pea

Voldie, ooooh...
You're completely naff
Harry's suffering just 'cause you're daft
Voldie, ooooh...
Harry didn't die
I bet you wish you'd never tried this at all!

SIRIUS:
I see a little ratto of a man
Pettigrew, Pettigrew, did you sell out the Potters?
Thought Voldie would reward you
What good did it do?
Rat! (Harry Potter, Harry Potter, Harry Potter got away, away...)

HARRY: I'm just an orphan, my rellies hate me
THE DURSLEYS: He's just an orphan, ruining our family, spoiling our image with his abnormality!
HARRY: Hard to enter, hard to leave, will you let me be?
THE DURSLEYS: Good heavens, no, we will not let you be!
HARRY: Let me be!
THE DURSLEYS: Good heavens, no, we will not let you be!
HARRY: Let me be!
THE DURSLEYS: Good heavens, no, we will not let you be!
HARRY: Let me be! Let me be me, let me be free!
Oh goodness gracious, my giddy aunt, no, no, no, no!
The cupboard is your home now
Permanently, permanently...

VOLDEMORT:
So you think you can foil me
Then spit in my eye?
So you just leave me here alone to die?
Ooh, maybe, you'll get yours someday, baby,
Right now I've got... gotta drink blood to survive.

HARRY:
Voldie doesn't matter
'S far as anyone can see
He's gone for awhile
But left a lasting impression
On me...

CHORUS:
Any way the curse flies...

A filk by R.J. Lupin based on Roxie from Chicago

SCENE: The whole school just seems to love Harry a lot. He gloats, a very un-Harry thing, with Ron and Hermione about how he is famous.

HARRY:
The Name on everybody's lips is gonna be
Harry
The boy who's raking in the chips is gonna be
Harry

'Cause now I am a celebrity
That means somebody everyone saw
They're gonna recognize my eyes
My hair, my teeth, my nose, my scar

From just some boy in The Wizard World
I'm gonna be
Harry
Who says that surviving the death curse makes you a snotter?
And who in case he dies today
Can say he made it all the way?
Harry Potter!

RON & HERMIONE:
They're gonna wait outside in line to get to see

HARRY:
Harry!
Think of those autographs I'll sign
'Good luck to ya,

RON AND HERMIONE:
Harry!'

HARRY:
And I'll appear in my Quidditch robes
And I will catch the Snitch in the air

RON & HERMIONE:
Here he'll catch
There he'll catch
Everywhere he'll make a catch

HARRY:
But always in the best of care!

(spoken) Mmm, I'm a star! And the whole world loves me! And I love them! And they love me for lovin them and I love them for lovin me. And we love each other. And that's 'cause none of us got enough love in our childhoods. And that's Showbiz...Kid!

RON & HERMIONE:
He's giving up his humdrum life

HARRY:
I'm gonna be, sing it!

RON & HERMIONE:
Harry!
He is known as The Boy Who Lived!

HARRY:
And Voldemort would just shit, I know
Because now his name is billed below
Harry Potter!

RON & HERMIONE:
Harry...
Harry...
Harry...
Harry...
Ha-ry...
Harry...
Harry...

Better Be Good to Me

A filk by Phyllis to the tune of Better Be Good to Me (written by M. Chapman, N. Chinn, H. Knight, and sung by the one and only Tina Turner)

HARRY (to Uncle Vernon):
A prisoner of your house
Tormented by your son
Loud grunting in the night
Held captive by a spell
Oh yes I'm touched by this goal of protection
Should I be fractured by your complete rejection
Should I, should I?

You better be good to me
That's how it's gotta be now
Cause you need me to save
Petunia from the Dark Lord's raid
You better be good to me

HARRY (to Snape):
I don't think it's too late
For us to stop the hate
We stand wand to wand
As you break my mind's bond
And I know you keep saying that you're on our side
And I really do wanna believe
But did you think I'd just accept this without proof
Oh no Sev, some spots never come off

You better be good to me
That's how it's gotta be now
Cause you need me to score
For the Mark to burn no more
You better be good to me

HARRY (to Dumbledore):
And I really don't see why it's so hard to be straight with me
And I really don't understand what's your plan that you can't be straight with me
What I don't know I surely can't avoid, why can't you be straight with me
And if it's my own fate I wish to see, why can't you be straight With me

A filk by Richard to the tune of Have You Ever Seen the Rain? by Credence Clearwater Revival.

Someone told me long ago
There's a story Rowling's wrote.
I know-
It's about a boy wizard.
Parents killed by Voldemort,
The son of a special sort,
I know-
His heart stabbed through with fear.

(Chorus)
I wanna know-
Have you ever felt the pain?
I wanna know-
Have you ever felt the pain?

Throbbing scar all day.
Every day, since days of old,
Fear stabbed his heart, then grew cold.
I know-
He did not commit a crime.
And for every story goes,
A certain character with woes,
I know-
It can't stop my reading.

(Chorus)
I wanna know-
Have you ever felt the pain?
I wanna know-
Have you ever felt the pain?
Throbbing scar all day.

Yeah!

(Chorus)
I wanna know-
Have you ever felt the pain?
I wanna know-
Have you ever felt the pain?
Throbbing scar all day.

A filk by Richard to the tune of Honky Cat by Elton John.

HARRY:
When I look back, boy I should have been dead,
Survived Voldy, scar upon my head.
Looked for an answer, trying to find a sign.
When I heard Hogwarts calling, I knew it was time

They said…Come back, Potter-fast,
Better get back to the school,
Well I-
Quit those days, and my-Muggle ways,
And, hmmm hmmm hmmm hmmmm…
Oh, change is gonna do me good.
They said…Come back, Potter-fast,
Living at the Dursley's ain't where it's at,
It's like trying to find gold in a-
Gringotts mine.
It's like trying to drink butterbeer,
Oh-
From a bottle of wine.

Well I read school books, and I read The Daily Prophet,
About some-evil wizard down in Little Hangleton,
And all the-students at school said, "Harry, you are a fool."
They said-oh- "Believe in the Dark Lord, and his only rule."

(Chorus)
Come back, Potter-fast,
Better get back to the school,
Well I-
Quit those days, and my-Muggle ways,
And, hmmm hmmm hmmm hmmmm…
Oh, change is gonna do me good.

Come back, Potter-fast,
Better get back to the school,
Well I-
Quit those days, and my-Muggle ways,
And, hmmm hmmm hmmm hmmmm…
Oh, change is gonna do me good.
They said, "stay at home, Voldy can't do you harm,
Livin' at the Dursley's Harry, is gonna keep the charm.
But-
How can you stay when the Dark Lord knows?
How can you stop him when his-power grows?

(Chorus)
Come back, Potter-fast,
Better get back to the school,
Well I-
Quit those days, and my Muggle ways,
And, hmmm hmmm hmmm hmmmm…
Oh, change is gonna do me good.

Come back, Potter-fast,
Living at the Dursley's ain't where it's at,
It's like trying to find gold in a-
Gringotts mine.
It's like trying to drink butterbeer,
Oh-
From a bottle of wine.

Come back, Potter-fast, come back, Potter-fast, come back-whoooo!

(Repeat into a fade)

A filk by Richard to the tune of Let It Be by the Beatles.

HARRY:
When I find myself in times of trouble, Dumbledore is close to me,
Speaking words of wisdom-
Prophecy.
And in my hour of darkness, he is standing right in front of me,
Speaking words of wisdom-
Prophecy.

(Chorus)
Prophecy, prophecy-
Prophecy, prophecy-
Whisper words of wisdom,
Prophecy.
And when the broken-hearted wizards living in the world agree,
There will be an answer-
Prophecy.
And though Voldy may be back, there is still a chance that they will see,
There will be an answer-
Prophecy.

(Chorus)
Prophecy, prophecy-
Prophecy, prophecy-
There will be an answer,
Prophecy.
Prophecy, prophecy-
Prophecy, prophecy-
Whisper words of wisdom,
Prophecy.

(Chorus)
Prophecy, prophecy-
Prophecy, prophecy-
Whisper words of wisdom,
Prophecy.
And when the night is cloudy, there is still a light that shines on me,
Shine until tomorrow-
Prophecy.
I wake up to the sound of mandrakes, Dumbledore is close to me,
Speaking words of wisdom-
Prophecy.
(Chorus)

Prophecy, prophecy-
Prophecy, prophecy-
There will be an answer,
Prophecy.

(Chorus)
Prophecy, prophecy-
Prophecy, prophecy-
There will be an answer,
Prophecy.

(Chorus)
Prophecy, prophecy-
Prophecy, prophecy-
Whisper words of wisdom,
Prophecy.

A filk by Richard to the tune of Mearle Haggard's Wine, Take Me Away

HARRY:
One butterbeer, you know that place,
Where you take me sometimes,
Where my spells and brooms fly right off my shoulders.
Well I leave Ron, Hermione behind,
To go and find a girl of mine,
Please help me, butterbeer take me away.

(Chorus)
Butterbeer, take me away,
Where I can lose myself,
Take me Gin, my scar hurts like hell alot today.
You're my girl, and I'll always love you,
What of tomorrow, we don't have any clue.
Please help me, butterbeer take me away.

When my head becomes so sore,
And I'm weary and tired,
And I tell myself, The Dark Lord is coming,
I gotta leave these Hogwarts grounds,
Your broom's the quickest way I've found.
Please help me, butterbeer take me away.

(Chorus)
Butterbeer, take me away,
Where I can lose myself,
Take me Gin, my scar hurts like hell alot today.
You're my girl, and I'll always love you,
What of tomorrow, we don't have any clue.
Please help me, butterbeer take me away.
Please help me, butterbeer take me away.

A filk by Jason LeBouef to the tune of All Right Now by Free

HARRY (in pain)
Oh! Oh! Oh!…..
Ouch!

Verse 1: The Voldemort/Potter attack

MCGONAGALL
There he stood… Lord Voldy
Murder any wizard that he meet

VOLDEMORT
I said hey! What is this
Now maybe maybe Potter family needs a little visit
I said HEY! Where's that boy, Lilly?
Think it's time to put him to shame
Now don't you wait, get out of my way

McGONAGALL
Then he tried to kill but he got blow away… Oh!

All right now
Baby Harry's all right now
All right now
Baby Harry's all right now

HARRY (suffering)
Ohhhh!

Verse 2: The Year Two Quidditch game when he breaks his arm

LOCKHART:
Let me tell you now.. hmmm

Fell off his broom… on his face
Broke his arm all over the place
I said Look! know a spell Harry
And your broken arm will replace

HARRY:
I said NO! No, not so fast
How will I know your magic will last?
He cast a spell, to my alarm
Gilderoy gave me a rubber arm
OWWW!

POMFREY
All right now
Yes but Harry's all right now
All right now
Yes but Harry's all right now
He's all right now

guitar & bass solo

Oh yeah!
Let me tell you all about it now!

HARRY:
OW!

POMFREY
Yeah

Verse 3 - After the Tri-Wizard tournement

McGONAGALL
He returned… yeah… from that place
Hurting leg and cuts on his face
He said (HARRY) "Look! Cedric's dead
Voldemort's returned to his reign"

Fudge said (FUDGE) "NO! No! Not so fast!
Don't tell me he's back last"

I said, Fudge! Lord above!
Is there any other thing you can think of!

HARRY
Ow!

POMFREY, MCGONAGALL & LOCKHART
All right now
Yes but Harry's alright now
All right now
Yes but Harry's alright now
All right now
Yes but Harry's alright now
All right now
Harry Harry Harry is alright
Yeah, he's all back together
He's alright he's alright he's alright

A filk by Richard to the tune of I'm Your Captain by Grand Funk Railroad.

HARRY:
Everybody, listen to me,
And return me, my broom.
I'm your Seeker, I'm your Seeker,
Although I'm feeling mighty gloom.

We have lost now, games uncounted,
And it's months since I have played.
Can you please leave, can you please leave,
Or are you here to stay?

If you return me, my broomstick,
I will kiss you Umbridge.
Give it back now, give it back now,
Please quite being, such a b*tch.

Am I going really insane? You are really a big pain,
Taking my broom away from me…

You'd better think about it; you are the biggest git.
So, please don't take my broom from me.
Yeah, yeah, yeah ...

I can hear the voice, of the Dark Lord,
And it's screaming in my head.
Albus help me, Albus help me,
Take this Dark Lord, make him dead.

I'm your Seeker, I'm your Seeker,
Although I'm feeling mighty gloom.
Everybody, listen to me,
And return me, my broom.

I'm your Seeker, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm your Seeker, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm your Seeker, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm your Seeker, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm getting closer to insanity
I'm getting closer to insanity
I'm getting closer to insanity
I'm getting closer to insanity
Ohhhh

I'm getting closer to insanity
I'm getting closer to insanity
I'm getting closer to insanity
I'm getting closer to insanity
(fade)

A filk by Eustace Scrubb to the tune of New York State of Mind by Billy Joel

This song's been filked before, but I thought I'd send my version along, FWIW.

HARRY:
Most kids like to get away
From their homework for a month or two
Hop a boat to the Isle of Wight
Just to enjoy the view.
I can't wait 'til it's over,
And I don't want to waste more time,
I'm in a Hogwarts state of mind.

I'm stuck at the Dursleys,
With their tidy house and their tiny minds,
Trying to do schoolwork
When I can steal the time
I'm just counting the days now
'Til the Express is on the line,
I'm in a Hogwarts state of mind.

It isn't easy living day to day
Out of touch with the potions and charms.
Right now I'd even welcome Profess'r Snape
Or Argus Filch's ugly face.

Stranded here with the Muggles,
Yes the ennui really gets to me.
Platform Nine-and-three-quarter's all that I want to see.
I'll surely lose my reason living with the Dursleys' kind,
I'm in a Hogwarts state of mind.

It isn't easy living day to day
Out of touch with the potions and charms.
Right now I'd even welcome Profess'r Snape
Or Argus Filch's ugly face.

Stranded here with the Muggles,
Yes the ennui really gets to me.
Platform Nine-and-three-quarter's all that I want to see.
I'll surely lose my reason living with the Dursleys' kind,
I'm in a Hogwarts state of mind.

I'm just counting the days now
'Til the Express is on the line,
'Cause I'm in a Hogwarts state of mind

Yes, I'm in...
I'm in a...
I'm in a Hogwarts...State...of...Mind

A filk by Richard to the tune of John Denver's Country Road, Take Me Home

HARRY:
Always Heaven, Quidditch field,
Hogwarts castle, Forbidden Forest.
Life is weird there, weirder than Voldy,
Weirder than a giant, uprooting every tree.

(Chorus): Hogwarts School, give me tools,
To fight evil, so I can live!
Ginny Weasley, my little sweetie
Hogwarts School, give me tools.

All my memories, gather round her,
Red-haired lady, taken by the Dark Lord.
Dark and dusty, Chamber of Secrets,
Rescued her from Voldy, showed that evil git.

(Chorus): Hogwarts School, give me tools,
To fight evil, so I can live!
Ginny Weasley, my little sweetie
Hogwarts School, give me tools.

I heard a bird, in the Chamber, a Phoenix,
Fawks brought me Godric's sword from Great Dumbledore
. Taking the diary I stabbed it through and killed Tom Riddle, the Dark Lord,
The Dark Lord…

Chorus:
Hogwarts School, give me tools,
To fight evil, so I can live!
Ginny Weasley, my little sweetie
Hogwarts School, give me tools.
Hogwarts School, give me tools,
To fight evil, so I can live!
Ginny Weasley, my little sweetie
Hogwarts School, give me tools.
Hogwarts School, give me tools.
Hogwarts School, give me tools.

A filk by WolfWoman to the tune of Hairspray from the John Waters movie (not the musical)

THE ORDER:
Hey boy, what'cha doing over there?

HARRY:
Can't you see? I'm fighting the Heir!
Let me tell you 'bout Lord Voldemort
Now he's back and drumming up support
But I know from the prophecy
That in the end it's either him or me

THE ORDER:
Har-ry
We all know he's going to do it

Har-ry
If he shapes up and doesn't screw it

Har-ry
He's going to kill the Heir

Har-ry
And save folks everywhere...

HARRY:
Now I battle in Occlumency
Does Professor have it in for me?
He tells me I must drain my emotions
But I can't do it for my Master of Potions

(Chorus)

Instead of building me a mental wall
I just try to get on down the hall
Through the door into the Mysteries
Even though it is a trap for me

(Chorus)

I've faced Voldy many times before
Each time he's tried to even up the score
But I know I'm going to take him do-own
That's why the Order's keeping me around...

THE ORDER:
Har-ry
Oh, oh, oh, oh, o-h,
Please don't screw this up son,
O-o-o-oh, o-o-oh
We need you Harry
Har-ry!

A filk by Richard to the tune of Dead Flowers by The Rolling Stones.

HARRY:
Well I see ya sitting there,
In your favorite Leather Chair,
Talking bout the rich folks…
Your dad knows…
Well I hope you won't tease me,
In the company of Weasley,
You know I'll just punch you; break your nose.

(Chorus):
Knock me out, Draco Malfoy, try to knock me out,
I know you think you're the King of Slytherin House,
You can send me bad potions during Breakfast,
Send me bad potions by the Owl Post,
Send me bad potions to my Common Room,
And I won't forget to go dancing on your grave.
Well I see ya sitting back,
Smirking at me in Potion class,
Making bets on who's winning the next game,
I know your Death Eater ties,
And all of your B.S. lies,
When you die things here won't be the same.

(Chorus):
Knock me out, Draco Malfoy, try to knock me out,
I know you think you're the King of Slytherin House,
You can send me bad potions during Breakfast,
Send me bad potions by the Owl Post,
Send me bad potions to my Common Room,
And I won't forget to go dancing on your grave.
All right…

(Chorus):
Knock me out, Draco Malfoy, try to knock me out,
I know you think you're the King of Slytherin House,
You can send me bad potions during Breakfast,
Send me bad potions by the Owl Post,
Send me bad potions to my Common Room,
And I won't forget to go dancing on your grave.
No, and I won't forget to go dancing on your grave.

A filk by Richard to the tune of Beer for My Horses by Toby Keith

Dumbledore comes in the Common Room,
Says, "somebody's been cursed, somebody stole a broom."
Somebody broke into the Ministry, somebody bewitched a car,
Death Eaters got away, Death Eaters didn't get to far, yea…
They didn't get to far…

Ronnie told Hermione, "listen up my friend,
"Little Malfoy's singing is starting to offend."
Get all the spells in Hogwarts, and the potions too,
Round up Draco Malfoy, turn his hair baby-blue
For all the people to view….

(Chorus):
Vengeance is one thing you'll always find,
In the Gryffindor House, where we draw the hard line.
When the wand sparks settle, we'll sing a victory tune,
And we'll all meet back at the Hogs Head Saloon.
We'll raise up our goblets and drink by the flagon, saying…
"Whiskey for my friends, beer for my dragons."

We got too many 'Mentors sucking people's souls,
Too much corruption and Ministry bull.
It's time to haul them all in, and smack them around,
Send them all to Albus and he'll settle them down.
You can bet he'll settle them down

(Chorus):
Vengeance is one thing you'll always find,
In the Gryffindor House, where we draw the hard line.
When the wand sparks settle, we'll sing a victory tune,
And we'll all meet back at the Hogs Head Saloon.
We'll raise up our goblets and drink by the flagon, saying…
"Whiskey for my friends, beer for my dragons."
Whiskey for my friends, beer for my dragons…

(Chorus):
Yea, vengeance is one thing you'll always find,
In the Gryffindor House, where we draw the hard line.
When the wand sparks settle, we'll sing a victory tune,
And we'll all meet back at the Hogs Head Saloon.
We'll raise up our goblets and drink by the flagon, saying…
"Whiskey for my friends, beer for my dragons."
Yea whiskey for my friends, beer for my dragons.

A filk by The Final Stillness of Saturn to the tune of the same name by the Spice Girls

HARRY: Yo, I'll tell you what I want,what I really, really want.
TONKS: So tell me what you want, what you really, really want.
HARRY: I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want.
TONKS: So tell me what you want, what you really, really want.
HARRY: I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna really, really, really, want to be an Auror.

If you want my future, forget my past,
I really want to find one then, a job that will last.
Now don't go wasting my precious time.
At stupid paperwork I must draw the line.
I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want.
TONKS: So tell me what you want, what you really, really want.
HARRY: I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna really, really, really, want to be an Auror.

TONKS: If you wannabe an Auror, you gotta get the good marks,
Make it in potions. Got to get through the dark.
If you wannabe an Auror, you have got to know
How to blend in and spy without letting it show.

MOODY: What'd you think about that? Now you know what to do.
Want to be an Auror or just think it's cool?
We won't be hasty. We'll let you go try.
If you really mess up, then we'll say goodbye.
HARRY: Yo, I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want.
TONKS: So tell me what you want what you really really want
HARRY: I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna really, really, really, want to be an Auror.

KINGSLEY: If you wanna be an Auror, you just might lose all your friends,
It must become your life; your job never ends.
If you wanna be an Auror, you have got to live.
Watching is not easy, but thats the way it is.

MOODY: So here's the story from A to Z,
You wanna work with me,
You gotta listen carefully.
You got Tonks on the watch
With her mission to botch.
And Kingsley just like me, out working on it
Frank L. was workin' all the time,
Did it all real fine.
And as for me,
Ha you'll see.

KINGSLEY: Wave your wand around and show our rivals how.
Wave your wand around and show our rivals how.
TONKS: If you wannabe an Auror, you gotta get the good marks,
Make it in potions. Got to get through the dark.
If you wannabe an Auror, you gotta get the good marks,
Make it in potions. Got to get through the dark.
If you wannabe an Auror, you gotta,you gotta, you gotta, you gotta wave,
KINGSLEY: Wave, Wave,Wave,
Wave your wand around and show our rivals how.
Wave your wand around and show our rivals how.
Wave your wand around and show our rivals how.
MOODY: Wave your wand around and be an Auror.

AURORS: If you wannabe an Auror!

A filk by The Final Stillness of Saturn to the tune of Kim Carnes' Bette Davis Eyes

His hair is coal dust black,
His form a scrawny size.
He's got a tragic past.
He's got Lily Potter's eyes.

He'll bring his magic out.
You won't get to think twice
He's pure as untouched snow.
He's got Lily Potter's eyes,

And he'll daze you.
He'll amaze you.
Yell angrily just to faze you.
Does what he must
And he knows just
What it takes to make fangirls blush.
He's got an enemy right outside.
He's got Lily Potter's eyes.

He really has no home.
His bark's worse than his bite.
Brings bedlam where he roams.
He's got Lily Potter's eyes.

He'll go on exploits with you,
Make you an accomplice.
He'll make you come unglued.
He's got Lily Potter's eyes.

He'll oppose you,
And depose you.
On his feet with a wand, he'll show you.
Does as he must
And he knows just
What it takes to make fangirls blush.
The Prophet says that he lies.
He's got Lily Potter's eyes

And he'll daze you.
He'll amaze you.
Yell angrily just to faze you.
Does what he must,
And he knows just
What it takes to make fangirls blush.
The Prophet says that he lies.
He's got Lily Potter's eyes.

He'll daze you.
He'll amaze you
Just to faze you.
He's got Lily Potter's eyes.

He'll oppose you
And depose you.
He'll show you.
He's got Lily Potter's eyes.

A filk by The Final Stillness of Saturn to the tune of Piano Man by Billy Joel

It's eight o'clock on a Monday morn.
The Hogwarts crowd has a rend.
There's an old man watching over them,
And he once was sort of Harry's friend.

He thinks, "Son, you can save us from Voldemort.
I'm not really sure how to win,
But it's you that he's marked, and I knew from the start
That you would grow up to best him."

La la la, de de da
La la, de de da da da

We're so glad that you're the Boy-Who-Lived.
We're so glad you survived.
For, we're all in the mood for peace now and
Can't have fun 'til You-Know-Who's died.

Now Ron's supposed to be a friend of his.
He's one of the three of light,
And he hates more Malfoy than any other boy
'Cause Draco's in on the dark side's fight.

He says, "Crabbe, I believe this is killing me,"
And his smirk fell from its usual place.
"Well I'm sure that I could be the best in life,
If Potter'd get out of my face."

Oh, la la la, de de da
La la, de de da da da

Now James was a good seeker in Quidditch
Who always had time for his wife,
And he cannot see Harry, whose life isn't merry,
And it's because James lost his life.

Well, the Ministry doesn't know politics,
And the potions man's crushing a stone.
Yes, he's making a draught we call loneliness,
But it's only because he's alone

We're so glad that you're the Boy-Who-Lived.
We're so glad you survived.
For, we're all in the mood for peace now and
Can't have fun 'til You-Know-Who's died.

HARRY:
It's a pretty good crowd for a Monday morn,
And Hermione gives me a smile
'Cause she knows that it's me they are comin' to see
To put the Crucio on a while.

And the Headmaster, he acts like I know nothing.
The students either hate me or cheer,
And they ask if I fear the reason I am here
And say I have no room for the fear.

Oh, la la la, de de da
La la, de de da da da

We're so glad that you're the Boy-Who-Lived.
We're so glad you survived.
For, we're all in the mood for peace now and
Can't have fun 'til You-Know-Who's died.

A filk by Jason LeBouef to the tune of Highway To Hell by ACDC

HARRY
Life ain't easy, Life ain't free
When you're livin there on Privet Drive
Mean old cousin, let me be
It's a wonder why I'm still alive

I'm a wizard
This I find
There is something that I gotta do
Going down to the train
My friends are gonna be there too

I'm on a railway to school
On a railway to school
Railway to school
I'm on a railway to school

No Muggles coming near it
No Dursley's gonna be around
Got some magic, gonna learn it
No Draco's gonna mess me around

Hey Voldy, here I am
I'm the one that foiled your plan
Hey Uncle, look at me
I'm on my way to the magic land

I'm on a railway to school
Railway to school
I'm on a railway to school
Railway to school

Don't stop me

I'm on a railway to school
Railway to school
I'm on a railway to school
Railway to school

A filk by The Stillness of Saturn to the tune of the same name by Three-Headed Dog - I mean, Three Dog Night

Harry Potter was a baby,
Did nothin' but cry and coo.
He never understood why James and Lily died,
But he got rid of You-Know-Who,
And he hadn't yet been taught to know who.
Singin'...

(chorus)
Joy to the world!
He's the Boy-Who-Lived now.
Joy to the Muggles and our side's fighters! Joy to you and me!

Well, no one's lurking in the shadows.
Tell you what we'll do!
We'll fly in Muggle cars to the bars after war,
No more You-Know-Who!
Sing it now...

(chorus)

They'll be no more dead Muggles.
We're free to wonder.
No more secret keepers or those late night creepers,
No more fearin' the Death Eaters.
I said no more fearin' the Death Eaters.

Joy to the world!
He's the Boy-Who-Lived!
Joy to the Muggles and our side's fighters!
Joy to you and me!

repeat chorus four times

Joy to the world!
He's the Boy-Who-Lived!
Joy to the Muggles and our side's fighters!
Joy to you and me!

We can shout it now!

repeat chorus twice

A filk by R.J. Lupin to the tune of What You Own from the film version of Rent

SCENE: Harry and others lament the deaths and future deaths of the Wizard world. And for song purposes, McGonagall and Cho have no problems with saying 'Voldemort'

HARRY:
The Headmaster
Godfather, friend
Kind Hufflepuff
All have met their end
More will see this
Now that he's come
He's gonna
Kill everyone

We're dying in the Wizard World
At the start of Voldemort's new reign
We're dying in the Wizard World
And ev'rything's gone insane
Plus when you have to save the Wizard World
Because you must stop Voldemort's reign
You're on your own

McGONAGALL:
Dumbledore has left the school
LUPIN:
Sirius left me alone here
HARRY:
I see my parents ev'rywhere
CHO:
Cedric whispers in my ear

McGONAGALL: So carry on for him
LUPIN:
Just fake a smile 'til it breaks
CHO:
Cry on and on
HARRY:
What will it take?

HARRY, McGONAGALL, LUPIN, and CHO:
We're dying in the Wizard World
At the start of Voldemort's new reign
We're dying in the Wizard World
Won't somebody stop this pain?
'Cause when you're living in the Wizard World
At the start of Voldemort's new reign
You're on your own

One day the world is peaceful
You feel love without the strife
That person dies, you're back to life

HARRY and LUPIN:
What was it about that night?
CHO and McGONAGALL:
What was it about that night?
HARRY, McGONAGALL, LUPIN, and CHO:
Happiness- 'til you came back down to earth?
HARRY and LUPIN:
For once, it seemed like all would be right
CHO and McGONAGALL:
For once, it seemed like all would be right
HARRY, McGONAGALL, LUPIN, and CHO:
You never thought how much it'd hurt

McGONAGALL: (at same time as Cho)
Albus - I need you- I want you
To help me- Tell me what
To do!

CHO: (at same time as McGonagall)
Cedric - I want you- I need you
I plead you- I need you
Love you!

LUPIN: (at same time as Harry)
Sirius - why
I'm the last Marauder
It's ending like it started now
Oh, why?

HARRY: (at same time as Lupin)
One scar glory
Ends my story

HARRY, McGONAGALL, LUPIN, and CHO:
Dying in the Wizard World
At the start of Voldemot's new reign
We're dying in the Wizard World
To try and stop his game
So if we've gotta save the Wizard World
From the terror of Voldemort's reign
We must survive
We must survive
And stay alive

A filk by The Final Stillness of Saturn to the tune of Green Day's Boulevard of Broken Dreams

HARRY:
I lead a fated life.
Cause my friends' lives with conflict to be rife.
Always face such grief,
But I chose a side, so I face the strife.

Walk down an empty street,
Fight off Voldemort in many dreams,
And while Hogwarts sleeps
Know I'm the chosen one and must fight alone.
I'll fight alone; I'll fight alone.
I'll fight alone; I'll fight a--

For my friends can only stand by me to guide me.
The Death Eaters are at my door and beating.
My friends must go, for Voldemort will find me,
And I must fight alone.

Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ahhh
Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ahhh

I'm running to meet fate,
Warning friends to from war stay away
And that crucial day of the fight
Just let me fight alone.

Living numbered days,
Seeing terror almost ev'ry night.
Know some friends will stay and fear for all their lives,
So I'll fight alone.

I'll fight alone; I'll fight alone
I'll fight alone; I'll fight a...

A filk by The Final Stillness of Saturn to the tune of Mad World by Tears for Fears

HARRY:
Disappearing are the friendly faces,
No new places, no new faces.
They're off dying over wizard races.
Blood means nothing; blood means nothing.
Their tears are spilling from the fate that's
Set in motion, set in motion.
In my head, I have to face this sorrow
Each tomorrow, each tomorrow.

And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad:
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had.
I find it hard to go on, and I find it hard to take.
When wizards are in battles, it's a very, very
Mad world, mad world
Mad world, mad world

I was wishing for the day I'd feel loved.
Had no parents; had no parents.
And then I thought I had finally found it.
Now it's going; now it's going.
Went to school, and I became a wizard.
They all knew me; they all knew me.
And my teacher told me what's the potion.
He still hates me; he still hates me.

And I find it quite upsetting, I find it depressing:
These dreams I'm not allowed in are the ones that make me "me".
I find it hard to tell you, and I find it hard to beat.
When your foe is in your head, it's a very, very
Mad world, mad world
Mad world, mad world

And I'm really quite distressed now; I'm really quite aggrieved.
Their days are getting numbered, and it's all because of me.
I find it hard to have friends, and I find this hard to beat.
When Voldemort's in power, it's a very, very
Mad world, mad world
Mad world, mad world

Mad world.

A filk by The Final Stillness of Saturn to the tune of The Emo Song

HARRY:
Dear Diary,
Feel: Apathetic

My life is just so demanding. I couldn't get Hermione to help me do my potions work or Transfiguration essay. It sucks because I've no time with other duties like Occlumency lessons with Snape and helping my friends and, of course, fighting Voldemort. And it doesn't help that I couldn't get a girlfriend to save my life, even though most of the girls want me. Some days...

I'm the Boy-Who-Lived,
Nonconforming as can be.
You'd be nonconforming, too,
If you'd act just like me.
I have disheveled hair,
And a scar on my face.
I'm good enough at Quidditch
To win any broom race.
Now, I feel real deep
'Cause I'm fated to fight,
And it is all because my parents
Met Voldemort one night.
I feel so alone 'cause I've
Got destiny to meet.
I act emo because my
Scar won't let me sleep.

Stop my breathing, and slit my throat.
I must be emo.
Think that I'll die when I fight Voldemort.
I must be emo.

I'm dark and sensitive
With a low self esteem,
Even though I
Am the hero of the Order's dreams.
I have some real problems,
And I am more than I seem.
People think that I'm quite loony
'Cause my nightmares make me scream.

Sulking and playing Quidditch games
Are my hobbies.
I can't think about my parents' best man
Without sobbing.
Girls keep breaking up with me;
It's never any fun.
They all get so weepy and cry about
What their old boyfriends have done.

Stop my breathing, and slit my throat.
I must be emo.
Think that I'll die when I fight Voldemort.
I must be emo.
Untidy hair and scar above my nose.
I must be emo.
I play Seeker and find chicken's blood notes.
I must be emo.

My life is just a black abyss. You know, it's so dark. And it's suffocating me. Grabbing a hold of me, and tightening it's grip. Tighter than the Devil's Snare first year, which could have killed me by the way.

When I get depressed,
I spew anger in every direction.
Hope that slash I gave Draco does
Not get an infection.
I push all my friends away
And wear thick rimmed glasses.
My friends say I scare them and
Passout during classes.
I'm just a sad nerd
Who got a prophecy.
My fans freak out and chase af-
-ter me just to see.
I loathe Slytherins
While hating my life.
My fans think I like guys;
I think they may be right.

I know that I'll die, think it's all that I know.
I must be emo.
Screw Malfoy, I fight Death Eater weirdos.
I must be emo.
I like to whine and lash out at my friends.
I must be emo.
Fear that my mates will meet their ends.
I must be emo.

The Order doesn't understand. They think I should just sit around and wait for commands... Well, that won't happen. Plus, I mean, I'm a big boy now. Can't I... and my friends... take on Lord Voldemort without being killed? I mean we've done it a few times already.

I don't know, Diary. I think you're the only one that listens.
You're a great friend.

Think I'll go see Ron.

A filk by Bandersnatch and weirdsis to the tune of The Remedy (I Won't Worry) by Jason Mraz and the Matrix

HARRY:
Well I saw Sirius at the Ministry
So I rode a thestral and my friends all came with me
Now I was born thirty-first of July (you know why)
Was born as the seventh month died
The Death Eaters did thwart us, glued the doors with Colloportus
The Order did support us, then the battle was cut short as
Voldemort came. Dumbledore saved me
Then he sat me down and told me the Prophecy

The Prophecy was made to Dumbledore
It may be fate, but I have free will
Now I'm the enemy, at least to Voldemort
That's why he marked me as his equal
But the thing he doesn't know is how he doesn't know
The power I have, that I can love
So I will do this, I will vanquish him
'Cause it's either him or me in the end

Neither can live while the other survives
Neither can live while the other survives

Well there were two who could have been the Chosen One
Voldemort chose me and so the deal was done
My parents thrice defied him; guess Trelawney had a clue
Now all I need's the what the why the which the where the how the
You-Know-Who wants me dead for what the Prophecy said
But it only has power 'cause he made it so
Now it's either him or me, can't you see
Because Voldemort believes in the Prophecy

The Prophecy was made to Dumbledore
It may be fate, but I have free will
Now I'm the enemy, at least to Voldemort
That's why he marked me as his equal
But the thing he doesn't know is how he doesn't know
The power I have, that I can love
So I will do this, I will vanquish him
'Cause it's either him or me in the end

Neither can live while the other survives
Neither can live while the other survives

Then I fell in love, and Ginny was mine
Those sunlit days with her were sweeter than wine
But we had to let go when Dumbledore died
And now I'll tell you why

Because the Prophecy was made to Dumbledore
It may be fate, but I have free will
Now I'm the enemy, at least to Voldemort
That's why he marked me as his equal
But the thing he doesn't know is how he doesn't know
The power I have, that I can love
So I will do this, I will vanquish him
'Cause it's either him or me in the end

Neither can live while the other survives
Neither can live while the other survives

A filk by R.J. Lupin to the tune of Somebody to Love by Queen.

THE SCENE: Harry is on a long, difficult search for the missing Horcruxes, and cannot seem to find any. As Harry falls into despair, the Order members join him for backup, in their best choir robes.

HARRY:
Can

HARRY and ORDER CHORUS:
Anybody
Find me
A missing Horcrux?

HARRY:
Ooh...
Each morning I know where my path will go
Known it since I was told so

ORDER CHORUS:
He was told
He was told to destroy 'em

HARRY:
I was told it's my destiny

ORDER CHORUS:
To kill, yeah yeah

HARRY:
I must destroy Lord Voldemort
I know I must destroy

HARRY and ORDER CHORUS:
All the Horcruxes
But there's just one problem to sort

HARRY:
Oh, where are they?

ORDER CHORUS:
Where are they?

HARRY:
Ooh, where are they?

ORDER CHORUS:
Where are they?

HARRY & ORDER CHORUS:
Can anybody find me

HARRY:
A missing Horcrux?
Yeah
It's been hard

ORDER CHORUS:
It's been hard

HARRY:
Everyday of my life
Going through all this stuff
All I want

ORDER CHORUS:
All he wants for his strife

HARRY:
Is to know
One day it won't be so rough
Gotta run

ORDER CHORUS:
Run!

HARRY:
Have no fun

ORDER CHORUS:
None!

HARRY:
I'm the

HARRY & ORDER CHORUS:
Chosen One!

HARRY:
I just wanna be with Ginny
Oh, somebody

ORDER CHORUS:
Somebody

HARRY:
Ooh, somebody

ORDER CHORUS:
Please

HARRY & ORDER CHORUS:
Can anybody find me

HARRY:
A missing Horcrux?
Oh, oh, oh...

ORDER CHORUS:
You-Know-Who's

HARRY:
Voldemort

ORDER CHORUS:
Back again

HARRY & ORDER CHORUS:
And I said, and I said, and I said

HARRY:
But nobody wanted to believe me
They said I'm going crazy
But now that it is out and they all shout that it's true
They say, "Go, Harry, go
Don't you know we always believed you?"

ORDER CHORUS:
No, no, no, no!
Oooh... oh

HARRY:
Oh, somebody

ORDER CHORUS:
Somebody

HARRY & ORDER CHORUS:
Anybody find me

HARRY:
A missing Horcrux?

ORDER CHORUS:
Can anybody find a missing Horcrux?

HARRY:
Got no 'rents
Got no godfather
I keep losing those I love

ORDER CHORUS:
They just keep dying and dying

HARRY:
It's not fair, it's not fair

ORDER CHORUS:
It ain't fair, it ain't fair, no no

HARRY:
It's what Voldemort's frightened of
So I'll rip and I'll shred all

HARRY & ORDER CHORUS:
His Horcruxes
One day he's gonna be dead, just...

ORDER CHORUS:
Find me a missing Horcrux (x7)
Find me a missing Horcrux- ux- ux- ux
Find me a missing Horcrux (x2)
Where are they? (x4)
Somebody find me
Somebody find me a missing Horcrux

HARRY & ORDER CHORUS:
Can anybody find me

HARRY:
A missing Horcrux...

ORDER CHORUS: (whilst Harry improvs some croons in the background about his inability to find Horcruxes)
Find me a missing Horcrux (x7)

HARRY:
Find me, find me, find me... them

A filk by Anton to the tune of I Miss Paul by Steven Banks

This song most likely belongs between years five and six. Harry, alone in his room, laments being out of touch with his friends

HARRY:
Dudley's driving me crazy
He never was much fun
The Dursleys still abuse me
They have been since day one
They haven't changed, I'd hoped they would
It could be worse but it's still not good
And you know how I feel, besides the fact that I need a meal,
Son of a gun, I miss Ron
Son of a gun, I miss Ron

I wish Ron and I were here
Playing chess and drinking butterbeer
No one could play Wizard's Chess like Ron could
He was so good, I miss Ron

I miss Ron, I really do
I miss Hermione and the other girls too
I wish we were testing U-No-Poo*
I wish we were back in Hogwarts School

I miss my Quidditch broom
Dumbledore's Army and the Requirement Room
Sirius Black, and all the rest
I even miss the OWL tests

All said and done, I miss Ron
All said and done, I miss Ron, who-hoo-oo
All said and done, I miss Ron

*filker's note: I needed a rhyme here

A filk by Randy Estes to the tune of A Man of Constant Sorrow by John Hartman (used in the film Oh Brother Where Art Thou)

HARRY, (RON & HERMIONE):
(In constant sorrow through his days)

I am the man from Godric's Hollow
I've seen trouble all my day.
I was hidden well with the Dursley's
The place where I was left and raised.

[chorus] The place where he was left and raised

For six long years I've been at Hogwarts
No Muggles here to keep me down.
For in this world I'm bred for Magic
I found my school to help me now.

[chorus] He has his school to help him now

But it's fare thee well to my Headmaster
I never expect to see him again
For I'm bound to try and stop Voldemort
Perhaps I'll die under the strain.

[chorus] Perhaps he'll die under the strain.

You can bury me near Godric's Hollow
Where my poor folks ended their days
Then you may learn to love another
While I am sleeping in my grave.

[chorus] While he is sleeping in his grave.

Maybe Death Eaters think I've just been lucky
My face they'll soon see no more.
But there is one promise that is given
I'll meet you Voldy on that lake's shore.

[chorus] He'll meet you on that old lake shore.

A filk by Randy Estes to the tune of The Beatles' Two Of Us

Ron, Harry and Hermione reflect on the good old days

THE TRIO:
Three of us fighting a Troll
In a Bathroom
Friends for life
Ron and me Sunday driving
Not arriving
On our way to school
We've broken the rules
We felt like two fools
We'll be sent home

Three of us sending owl posts
Reading Riddles
On the wall
Hermione turning cat-faced
Ron was Crabbe-faced
Hearing Myrtle's moan
Ginny's all alone
We'll all be sent home
We're going home

You and I have memories
Longer than the road that stretches out ahead

Three of us wearing the cloak
Standing so low
On the run
Climbing the Astronomy Tower
After hours
Sending Norbert home
He's on his way home
He's on his way home
He's going home

You and I have memories
Longer than the road that stretches out ahead

Three of us riding dragons
Escaping Gringotts
Past the guards
You and me chasing Hallows
Getting nowhere
Far away from home
Ron took off for home
We'll stop by my home
We're going home

[We're going home,
you better believe it.
Goodbye.]

Hogwarts Students and Families

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