Harry Potter - Books One through Four

Marcel Duchamp's H.P.R.O.X.

Based on Based on L.H.O.O.Q.

Image © 2004 Red Scharlach

** = post-HBP
**~ = post-HBP, pre-GOF Movie

Copyright 2001, 2002 by Cauis Marcius, except Bitter Home Little Whinging Copyright 2000 by Opie-Wan Canoli; Just A Boy Named Harry Copyright 2000 by Dave Weingart; Wizard's Paradise Copyright 2001 by Pippin; I Have Survived Copyright 2001 by Marina Floyr; Scar Tissue Copyright 2001 by Alex; Potter's Fame Copyright 2002 by Gryffleraverin; Get The Dancing Started Copyright 2002 by anna-neko; You're the Boy Who Lived Copyright 2002 by MagicPoni; Me And My Dad's Cloak Copyright 2002 by Judy Nathanson; The Scarred Wizard Of Gryffind-air Copyright 2002 by Rosie and Peter; Summertime Copyright 2002 by Lilac; Harry Potter, Pa Rum Pum Pum Pum Copyright 2002 by JustJeanette; Hogwarts State of Mind Copyright 2002 by Mariner; Something Saved My Life That Night Copyright 2002 by selkie; Harry Caught the Snitch and Part of This World Copyright 2002 by Laura; Lifestyles of the Famous Potter Copyright 2002 by Acire Sadeur; Now I'm Casting Spells Copyright 2002 by Wolfie; At Hogwarts Copyright 2002 by Jennifer L. Anderson; Harry's in the Castle and Those Eyes Copyright 2003 by Diana L.; Broom Star Copyright 2002 by Annie Llewellyn; The Boy Who Lived and You're Telling The Truth Copyright 2003 by Gail; A Wizard's Life Copyright 2003 by Jenny; Ode to the Boy Who Lived Copyright 2003 by Terra; Harry's Song Copyright 2003 by Manda; Goblet of Fire Copyright 2005 by Nimbus 1944; He Lived Copyright 2006 by RJ Lupin; Harry the Boy Who Lived Copyright 2006 by John Newmark; My Patronus Copyright 2007 by Prankaholic

A filk by Pippin, to the tune of Gangsta Paradise

HARRY
As I'm tied to this tombstone in the shadow of death
I take a look at my life and realize there's not much left
Coz my scar's been achin' and freakin' so long, that
The Daily Prophet thinks that my mind is gone
But I ain't never cursed a Muggle that didn't deserve it
Diss my mum and dad, you know that's unheard of
I really hate to brag but I gotta, folk
As it glows I see my people in the wand smoke, fool
Cedric, Frank and Bertha, James and Lily too
They surrounded Voldie and they told me what to do
So I Accio'd that portkey and I dodged that nasty curse
And I made it back to Hogwarts, but Cedric needs a hearse

Innocence is sacrificed, livin in a Wizard paradise
Me an' Voldie don't make nice, livin in a Wizard paradise
Dementors put your soul on ice, livin in a Wizard paradise
People keep on losin' lives, livin in a Wizard paradise

Herbology on Monday, Astronomy at night
I can't live a normal life, I was raised in so much strife
So I gotta play Quidditch with the Gryffindor team
The Mirror of Erised got me chasing dreams
I'm an educated kid with galleons to fry
Got my wand in my hand and Firebolt to fly
I'm a halfblood Parselmouth Dumbledore defender
Warner Brothers gotta be my merchandise vendor, fool
Death ain't nothing but a chapter away,
I'm living life, do or die, what can I say
I'm 14 now, but will I live to see 18
'Cause Voldie's out to get me and Snape is really mean.

CHORUS
Got a werewolf for Defense, got a ghost for History
We'll go to any lengths, to solve a mystery
Wish we could spend our lives, living in the Wizard paradise
Wish we could spend our lives, living in the Wizard paradise

Minute after minute, hour after hour
Potions in the Dungeon, Homework in the tower
Everybody's running, Filch and Snape are lookin'
House Elves in the kitchen, only Winky knows what's cookin'
They say I gotta learn, they say they're gonna to teach me
If I can't understand it, then You Know Who will reach me
I win the points, I win the Cup
I get the gold, that's why you know my life's an open book, fool

No phones no fax no VCR
No eckeltricity,
House elves do all the chores
Really ticks Hermione
Dumbledore gives me advice, living in the Wizard paradise
Wish I could spend my life, living in the Wizard paradise

To the tune of the title tune of Lloyd Webber's Sunset Boulevard

THE SCENE: Before Hogwarts' Castle. Enter HARRY

HARRY
Raised by the Dursleys
Against my will,
Orphaned outcast, they fed me swill
They had me always bound in fetters
But after ten years
Of cupboard hell
Those spider webs
Their screams and yells
I was delivered by your letters...

Hogwarts Wizard School
Magic Wizard School
Wonderful and weird, a little scary
Hogwarts Wizard School
Cherished Wizard School
Just the place for this young lad named Harry

I soon joined a house
I made the team
The whole thing seemed as if a dream
But there's a fly upon the ointment
A Dark Wizard whom
I stopped before
Who killed my folks
Lord Voldemort
Vows to avenge his disappointment

Hogwarts Wizard School
Mythic Wizard School
Far beyond the mundane world of Muggles
Hogwarts Wizard School
Stormy Wizard School
The epicenter of our epic struggles

They've hunted for me
Since I arrived here
First it was Quirrell
Backed up by Voldy
Then it was Riddle
Inside his diary
Fearsome Dementors
Tried to un-soul me
I spared Wormtail
Who double-crossed us
Helped restore Voldy
Who's back among us
He tried to slay me
Instead killed Cedric
Crouch took the next shot....
But I'm a fighter......

I have changed a lot
Over four years
I've friends who've helped me persevere
Whenever my heart started saggin'
With Hermione
And Ron, the Twins,
Black, Dumbledore,
Remus Lupin,
Hagrid and his
Forbidden dragons

Hogwarts Wizard School
Learnèd Wizard School
Instructing us in magic arts and science
Hogwarts Wizard School
Stalwart Wizard School
Forging an unbreakable alliance

Darkness will give way
Once a new dawn
Unfurls her light, as gloom's withdrawn,
So ending Voldy's revolution.
But as we await
What fate intends
I can't but mourn
For all those friends
Facing predestined execution

Hogwarts Wizard School
Magic Wizard School
Only now have we reached The Beginning.
Hogwarts Wizard School
Tragic Wizard School
Soon the ranks of heroes will be thinning
Here at Hogwarts Wizard School!

With a flourish of his robes, HARRY exits to Gryffindor Tower

A filk by Diana L to the tune of Cat in the Cradle by Henry Chapin

In the orginal song, each verse takes place after some passage of time. In this filk, each verse covers one of Harry's years at Hogwarts. While singing along, please think of this as a huge, choreographed musical number that breaks the fourth wall!

SS/PS: All the professors are in the Great Hall at the end of the Welcoming Feast on HARRY'S first day at Hogwarts, they begin to sing:

HOGWARTS' PROFESSORS:
Harry arrived at Hogwarts today
He came to this castle in the usual way
The train he caught, yes, he rode all the way
He sorted into Gryffindor, what the hey!

Montage of time passing, with clips of HARRY'S Quidditch matches, MCGONAGALL faces the camera and sings:

MCGONAGALL:
And he was flyin' 'fore we knew it, and as he flew
I said "You'll wanna play Quidditch too, yeah
You'll be the best seeker, it's true"

All the professors lined up and singing in the Entrance Hall:

HOGWARTS' PROFESSORS:
Now Harry's at Hogwarts and saving
Someone soon
That boy with black hair who makes Ginny
Swoon

SNAPE, looking at the camera, sneers and sings:

SNAPE:
When's he saving us, hmm?

HARRY pops his head into the picture and sings:

HARRY:
I don't know when, but we'll get
The stone right then, yeah,
I know we'll save the stone right then.

CoS: Cut to the Dursleys - DUDLEY, sitting in their parlor, sings:

DUDLEY:
Harry turned twelve just the other day,
I said, "No one remembered your
twelfth birthday,"
"Can I taunt you some more?"

HARRY pops his head into the picture and sings:

HARRY:
"I'd say not today.
I'll set this bush on fire, go on, go away!"

DOBBY sticks his head out of the bushes and sings:

DOBBY:
I must talk to him, he's in danger, I fear
If he returns to Hogwarts this year, yeah,
I must keep him from Hogwarts this year!

All the professors, including Lockhart lined up and singing in the Entrance Hall:

HOGWARTS' PROFESSORS:
Now Harry's back at Hogwarts, he'll Save people soon
That boy with black hair who makes Ginny Swoon

SNAPE, looking at the camera, sneers and sings

SNAPE:
When's he saving us, hmm?

HARRY pops his head into the picture and sings:

HARRY:
I don't know when, but I'll find
That snake at the end, yeah,
I'll kill that huge snake at the end.

PoA: LUPIN and BLACK, standing in the Shrieking Shack, sing:

LUPIN and BLACK:
Harry arrived just the other day
Looked so much like his dad we just had to say
"Son, we're proud of you, but we can't stay a while,
Lupin is quitting, Black won't get a trial."

Harry pops his head into the frame and sings:

HARRY:
As long as you're safe, I'll try to be at ease
See you later, don't get soul-sucked, please?

GoF: All the professors including Moody, sing:

HOGWARTS' PROFESSORS:
Now Harry's back at Hogwarts, the Competition's soon
That boy with black hair who makes Ginny Swoon

SNAPE, looking at the camera, sneers and sings

SNAPE:
When are you competing, son?

HARRY pops his head into the picture and sings:

HARRY:
I don't know when, but I'll try
To survive till
The end, yeah
I'll try to survive till the end!

DUMBLEDORE sitting in his office and facing HARRY, sings

DUMBLEDORE:
I have since decided that my secretive ways
Must end so we can start the next phase
So now I will tell you what you could not find
Your dad was the last of the Gryffindor line
You see, with him gone,boy, you're now the very last
That's why LV tried to kill you so fast, lad
That is why LV tried to kill you so fast.

GINNY, sitting in the Gryffindor common room, sings:

GINNY:
And since I'm hung up on him, it occurred to me
Harry doesn't notice me, yeah
My crush doesn't notice me!

HERMIONE and RON, sitting in the Griffindor common room, sing:

HERMIONE and RON:
Now Harry's back at Hogwarts,
We'll be helping him soon
That boy with black hair who makes Ginny Swoon

GINNY pops her head in the picture and sings:

GINNY:
When's he dating me, yes?

HARRY pops his head in the frame and sings:

HARRY:
I don't know when, but I'm sure it won't
Be til the end, yeah,
I'm sure it won't be til the end.

A filk by R.J. Lupin to the tune of Love Heals by Jonathan Larson, as heard as a bonus track on the movie soundtrack of his musical Rent.

This filk is about when Harry survived Voldemort's attack, and people's reactions.

McGONAGALL:
When I heard this start'ling news
When I thought it can't be true
DUMBLEDORE:
When you felt you had to ask me what I've said
McGONAGALL and DUMBLEDORE:
For this all is just too fast
We see wizards party, all have a blast
When they cry "at last"
McGONAGALL:
He's dead?

There are those who say he's gone
Those who say he carries on
DUMBLEDORE:
Who can say what's the magic this boy gives?
WIZARD CHORUS:
Ah ah, Harry Potter
McGONAGALL and DUMBLEDORE:
So he's going to live here
Until he has reached his eleventh year
'Til then we cheer...

WIZARD CHORUS:
He lived!
When we thought You-Know-Who would stay
He lived
That little boy made him go away
He lived
Put a stop on the terror paved
He lived
Thank you Harry, our lives have all been saved

He lived, and how did he survive?
When so many have failed, how did that boy stay alive?
Who could know why?
But at least now we can get by

LUCIUS and MACNAIR:
He lived, oh that evil brat
We have been so bad, now we must hide that

REMUS and SIRIUS:
He lived, but his parents died
God, it hurts inside
Somebody has lied, someone spied

BELLATRIX:
The Master's gone, but he'll come back
RODOLPHUS:
Yes, you know he will-- he don't die in that attack
BELLATRIX and RODOLPHUS:
And there's no one, no one, no one who can make us leave
So we won't, we won't, we won't grieve

SNAPE:
When you're filled with all this hate
That you've used to mark their fate
Then...

WIZARD CHORUS:
Celebrate
Celebrate
Celebrate
Celebrate
Oh, that boy who lived

Celebrate
So much he gives
Celebrate
Don't you know we're saved, don't you?
Celebrate
He survived
Celebrate

He lived
When we thought You-Know-Who would stay
He lived
That boy put You-Know-Who away
He lived
And we're free now, it's time for us to rejoice
He lived
So let it out, and let us hear your voice

He
Lived!

A filk by Marina Floyr to the tune of I Will Survive

HARRY
First I was afraid, my friends were petrified,
Kept wond'ring what I'd ever do if Hermione died,
But then I spent so many nights just thinking of the clues she gave,
Then I grew brave,
And taught Tom Riddle to behave

And now you're back, from who-knows-where,
But that ugly little basilisk can't kill me with its stare,
I'm not afraid of you and all your Death Eaters are lame,
And I can call you Voldemort, not just He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named

Go on now run from Dumbledore,
Just turn around now, you don't have power anymore,
Weren't you the one who tried to kill me with a curse,
Well I'm still here, your luck took quite a turn for worse

I have not died,
I have survived,
Oh as long as I have Dumbledore I know I'll stay alive,
Now I'm gettin' in my groove,
I 've got a scar right here to prove,
I have survived,
I have survived...

Now compared to you the Dursley's don't seem half as bad,
And I want revenge because you killed my mum and dad,
I should have never dropped my guard, I should have listened to Dobby,
If I had known for just one second you'd be back to bother me

But as you've learned, from Pettigrew,
I'm not that same poor little boy who's still afraid of you,
And if you come back now your life is sure to be a drag,
'cause I've got Gryffindors for friends and my Patronus is a stag

Go on now run from Dumbledore,
Just turn around now, you don't have power anymore,
Weren't you the one who tried to kill me with a curse,
Well I'm still here, your luck took quite a turn for worse

I have not died,
I have survived,
And as long as I have Dumbledore I know I'll stay alive,
And as long as I stay free,
Of that old Whomping Willow tree,
I ll stay alive,
I have survived....oh

I'm at Hogwarts, catching the Snitch,
My books are all bestsellers, J.K. Rowling's getting rich,
And just to prove my life won't get the slightest bit bleaker,
I'm planning to go out with that hot Ravenclaw seeker!

I have not died,
I have survived,
Oh as long as I have Dumbledore I know I'll stay alive
Now I know how to begin,
'cause I've got Quidditch cups to win,
I 'm still alive,
I have survived.....
HEY HEY!

A filk by Annie Llewellyn to the tune of All Star by SmashMouth

HARRY:
Petunia never told me that all the wizards know me
But she ain't the sharpest Skrewt in the crate.
She was looking pretty dumb with her monster of a son
Eating everything except for his plate.

The letters started coming and they didn't stop coming
Squished in the car as Vernon kept running
Stuck on a rock in the ocean, was awakened by a violent motion
Then came Hagrid with bit of a struggle, told me I wasn't a Muggle
Went to Diagon Alley, got cool stuff, then life stopped being so rough

Hey now, I'm a broom star,
Go to Hogwarts, Quidditch played.
Hey now, I'm a wizard,
Got my wand, best friends made
Lightning bolt on my head
"Lumos" I have often said

Ron's a bit poor, but he's really funny
Hermione's very helpful but reads a ton-ny.
Neville keeps forgetting his brain
Fred and George are simply insane
Ginny's real nice, but giggles too much
Then there's Dean and Lavender and such
Cho is really sweet, wish I could date her
I hope Malfoy will fall off a glacier

Hey now, I'm a broom star,
Go to Hogwarts, Quidditch played.
Hey now, I'm a wizard,
Got my wand, best friends made
Lightning bolt on my head
Hedwig is my good pet

Go, go, go, go, for the Snitch!

Go, go, go, go, for the Snitch!

Go, go, go, go, for the Snitch!

Hey now, I'm a broom star,
Go to Hogwarts, Quidditch played.
Hey now, I'm a wizard,
Got my wand, best friends made
Lightning bolt on my head
Too bad my parents..

Somebody once asked for, the three-quarter platform
But I didn't know how to get in there.
Mrs. Weasley showed the way, and the rest is histo-ray
I just think about how I got here.

The letters started coming and they didn't stop coming
Squished in the car as Vernon kept running
Stuck on a rock in the ocean, was awakened by a violent motion
Then came Hagrid with bit of a struggle, told me I wasn't a Muggle
Went to Diagon Alley, got cool stuff, then life stopped being so rough

Hey now, I'm a broom star,
Go to Hogwarts, Quidditch played.
Hey now, I'm a wizard,
Got my wand, best friends made
Lightning bolt on my head
'Cause of house-elves I am fed

Lightning bolt on my head
Gryffindor's color is red.

A filk by MagicPoni to the tune of Billy Joel's Piano Man<

HARRY:
It's 9:00 on a Saturday,
The regular wizards shuffle in,
There's an old man sitting next to me
Who looked like he could use a good trim.
He says man, I call myself Dumbledore
I'm Headmaster at Hogwarts you know.
But I'm wise and I'm neat and love lemon drop sweets
Though I wear an older man's robes.

Now Ron Weasley is a good friend of mine
He gets me my Quidditch tickets for free
And he's quick with a joke or to conjure some smoke
But there's some spell he'd rather it be.
He says, "Harry, this spell might just fail me"
As the smile ran away from his face
"Well, I'm sure I could get a passing grade
If Malfoy would get expelled from this place."

Now Percy's the Headboy at Hogwarts
Who never had time for a life
And he's yelling at Fred for what he had said
and George is giving him strife.
And Quirrell is stuttering nonsensically
As he attempts to steal the Sorcerer's Stone.
Yes their sharing a drink they call butterbeer,
But Snape would rather be left alone.

It's a pretty weird crowd for a Saturday
And Hagrid gave me a smile
Cause he knows it's me they've been coming to see
To forget about school for awhile.
And Hermione sounds like a Know-It-All
And McGonagall looks so severe
And they sit at the bar and they stare at my scar
And say "Harry, that really looks queer."

Chorus:
La La La De De Da La La De De Da Da Da...
Show us a spell, you're the boy who lived.
Show us your wizard's skills tonight
Well, we're all in the mood for a Quidditch game
And you're the best Seeker alright.

THE SCENE: Harry, feeling very alone and cut up about Malfoy

HARRY
Scar Tissue that Malfoy saw
Sarcastic Mister Know-It-All
Close your eyes and I'll hit you cause
With my bird I'll share
This lonely view
With my bird I'll share
This lonely view
He pushed me up against the wall
Young rich spoiled boy in Slytherin shawl
Fallin' all over myself
To lick his butt and waste his health 'cause
With my bird
I'll share this lonely view

Blood loss in a Hogwarts hall
Obnoxious boy with a real slow drawl
He tried to wave goodbye to a Remembrall but
With the birds I shared
That lonely view
With my bird I'll share
This lonely view

No Quidditch with a broken arm
Cuddle up to Snape and start to smarm
I really hope he has a fall
And I'll hit a bludger to the moon if it stops it all 'cause
With my bird I share
This lonely View

Scar tissue that Malfoy saw
Sarcastic Mister Know-It-All
Close your eyes and I'll hit you and
With my bird I share
This lonely view

REPEAT & FADE OUT

A filk by Opie-Wan Cannoli, to the tune of Lynyrd Skynrd's Sweet Home Alabama

HARRY
Ford Anglia keep on flyin'
Carry me a-way from my kin. (I'm 'fraid to say!)
Singin' songs about the wizard world
I miss my school once again...

Heard Mr.Dursley yellin' at me
I heard ol' Dudley put me down.
I hope the Dursleys don't remember
That I can't turn them into prawns...

CHORUS
Bitter home Little Whinging,
Where the sky's so gray (Every day!)
Bitter home Little Whinging,
Glad I'm goin' far away.

Now Gilderoy, he likes the Minister,
'S glad Hagrid's in Azkaban.
And when he chickens out on us
'S Memory Charms just will not scan...(Not scan!)

CHORUS

Now Hogwarts School has Dumbledore,
Some people may think he's a clown, (They're wrong!)
But he's not just the greatest wizard,
He picks me up when I'm feelin' down!

CHORUS

Bitter home Little Whinging,
I'm getting sent back home to you.
'Cause Voldemort is on the march again,
'N no I won't say "You-Know-Who"!

A filk by Lilac to the tune of Summertime from Gershwin's Porgy and Bess

THE SCENE: The summer after GOF, Harry is sitting up in the smallest bedroom of Number 4 Privet Drive. He laments his current living arrangements with the Dursleys, who unknowingly provide him with protection while under their roof.

HARRY:
Summertime
And I'm stuck at the Dursleys
For two long months, though it seems like a year.
Yeah, my dad was rich and he left me some money,
But I can't escape yet, I'm "safe" here.

One of these mornings
I'm gonna tell them, "I'm leaving!"
And I'll get my broom, and I'll take to the sky.
But Dumbledore said to stay 'till he tells me.
Guess their "protection" keeps me alive.

To the tune of The Impossible Dream from Man of La Mancha by Joe Darion and Mitch Lee

THE SCENE: Harry's room at Gryffindor. He awakens late at night in a cold sweat after another terrible - and no doubt prophetic - nightmare

HARRY
To dream such indelible dreams
To flash back to green flashes that burn
To recall motorcycles a-flying
To get yelled at by my Uncle Vern

To be caged as an underage Wiz
To see Malfoy changing his shape
To rap with an unwrapping turban
To dream anything about Snape

I get no rest!
It's hurting my scar!
When I'm off in dreamland
Things get so bizarre
I see Wormtail plotting
With Lord Voldemort
And I'm telling Frank Bryce, "Oh, God, please,
Do not go through that door!"

And I know
My dreams always are true
'Cause The Sight I possess
And I can't lie peaceful and calm
For I'm too overstressed

And will my grades be better for this?
If one boy, scorched and nursing his scar,
Still strove to at least cop a few "Zs"
Before dawn erases the stars!

HARRY pulls the covers over his head and tries to resume his slumbers

To the tune of One Jump Ahead, from Aladdin

THE SCENE: Dreamland: A surrealistic landscape improbably composed of incongruous elements from the Forbidden Forest, the cemetery of Little Hangleton and Privet Drive. HARRY dreams of himself fleeing all of his adversaries en masse, both great and trivial

HARRY
Gotta keep…one spell ahead of the death squad
One charm ahead of their hex
I thrive with a quick Quidditch reflex
That's everything
One wand ahead of the lynch mob
One turn ahead in the maze
Gotta dodge Voldy's Kedrava haze!

VOLDEMORT
He's mine!

AUNT MARGE
So rude!

DRACO & DUDLEY
Loser!

DEMENTORS
Soul food!

HARRY
Cut a little slack, guys

SNAPE & WORMTAIL
Rip him open, he's with Black, guys

HARRY
I can take a hint, so I'm makin' tracks
He is after me, you know…

ALL (except HARRY)
........................…WHO!!

LUCIUS & CROUCH. JR.
Oh, it's bad, Harry's worse than Longbottom

RITA SKEETER & AUNT MARGE
He's become a one-boy psycho ward

VERNON, PETUNIA & VOLDEMORT
Blame his parents, 'cause they spoiled him rotten!

HARRY
Gotta fight to live, gotta plan to flight
If I could get my hands back on Godric's sword

Nine months away from the Muggles
Three months away from my school
Either place is apt to boast misrule
One snack ahead of the DE's
One Mark ahead of the Dark
Don't think this is some stroll around the park

VERNON & PETUNIA
Dinner withheld!

DUDLEY, CRABBE & GOYLE
Beat up!

SNAPE
Expelled!

HARRY
They'd love to disgrace me

ARAGOG, BASILISK, NAGINI, & HUNGARIAN HORNTAIL
Still we think he'd be quite tasty!

HARRY
Gotta fly to live, gotta play to fly
They'll yield to me if I'm strong!

VOLDEMORT, DURSLEYS & MALFOYS
WRONG!

HARRY'S enemies close in relentlessly

HARRY: One cloak ahead of detection
ALL: Orphan!
HARRY: One map ahead of the dots
ALL: Target!
HARRY: One broom ahead of the Willow
ALL: Dwarfin'!
HARRY: Thank God, my head's on its pillow
ALL: Scar git!

HARRY is now cornered and appears hopelessly trapped

HARRY
OK, can't be a mistake now
If I were awake now
All I'd have to yell is "Fawkes!!!"

Fawkes swoops down to rescue HARRY in the nick of time

To the tune of Talk to the Animals, from the film Dr. Dolittle - the 1967 version

The Scene: Neutral Ground in Brazil. HARRY POTTER and LORD VOLDEMORT, ordinarily the most implacable of foes, have called a temporary truce in order to celebrate that rare and extraordinary talent which they alone share

BOTH: Oh, we can talk to the basilisks, learn what makes 'em hiss
With king snakes and king cobras we confer
HARRY: Conversing with a Cottonmouth just comes of being Parselmouth
VOLDEMORT: Scales have it over fin and fur

BOTH: We love prattlin' with the rattlesnakes, even playin' pattycakes
VOLDEMORT: It's a thrill to speak in serpentine
BOTH: We're always jubilant when the syllables get sibilant
HARRY: You soon find out that snakes have all the lines

BOTH: We can chew the fat with a black adder
We're quite fond of anaconda, too
VOLDEMORT: And when they ask, "Can you speak in boa constrictor-ese?"
HARRY: "With unrestricted ease! Can't you?"

VOLDEMORT: We love talking to the snakes in their own languages
HARRY: In reptilian, there's a million things to say
BOTH: For when you talk to the basilisks, hiss with the basilisks
Coil and shed and squeeze with the basilisks
Then they will hiss and coil and shed and squeeze all day!

VOLDEMORT: Consulting with the critters in
The emblem of Slytherin
Is my unswerving source of good advice
HARRY: And even although a coral snake
Might make even an Auror shake
You'll quickly learn that they are very nice

BOTH: We can speak to each and every reptile
We understand all things that undulate
HARRY: And if I told you that I'd just learned Python?
VOLDEMORT: Then I'd cry, "Writhe on!" and celebrate!

HARRY: If you talk to the basilisks, you do incur some risks
People are sure to say, "Tsk Tsk"
VOLDEMORT: But if you gossip with the garter snakes,
Strategize with smarter snakes
You'll reduce that grumbling to an asterisk

BOTH: We can delve into a snake pit, or even throw a hissy fit
And a snake in friendship will extend its palm
HARRY: And if you feel hyperactive, just get viper-interactive
VOLDEMORT: And we can guarantee you'll feel calm

BOTH: So though we're deadly enemies, we're so fluent in venom-ese
That maybe we'll resolve things without fuss
Cause when we talk to the basilisks, hiss with the basilisks
Coil and shed and squeeze with the basilisks
Then they will hiss and coil and squeeze and not kill us!

A filk by Diana L. to the tune of Lost Cause from the album Sea Change by Beck.

Setting: Somewhere in Book Five, when DUMBLEDORE is going to tell Harry everything. The music swells as DUMBLEDORE sits upon his desk and faces Harry

DUMBLEDORE
Those bright green eyes, they were your mom's
They might one day keep you from harm
Leave you alone the Dark Lord won't
Saving your life may be their point

Harry, your eyes
Harry, your eyes
Harry, those bright green eyes

There's so many things that you don't know
We couldn't tell you then, that is so
I know your secrets and now will say
All of those things; today's the day

Harry, your eyes
Harry, your eyes
Harry, those bright green eyes

I'm tired of hiding
I'm tired of hiding
I'm tired of hiding all these whys

There's some facts you'll soon be knowing
Nothing happy in what I share
But I must tell you 'fore you go
'Cause if I don't, twon't be fair
You must face your place as heir

Harry, your eyes
Harry, your eyes
Harry, those bright green eyes

I'm tired of hiding
I'm tired of hiding
I'm tired of hiding all these whys

A filk by Selkie to the tune of Someone Saved My Life Tonight by Elton John

BACKGROUND: It is thirty years after the final defeat of Lord Voldemort. Neville Longbottom is Minister of Magic. Hermione Granger is Headmistress of Hogwarts. Ron Weasley and Hermione are married and have 13 children. Harry Potter can't find work in the Wizarding World - no one is willing to hire him because they feel it "just wouldn't be right" to be in a supervisory position over the famous Harry Potter. Harry, therefore, has embarked on a career as a lounge singer with Gilderoy Lockhart (memory restored) as his agent and Rita Skeeter as his publicist.

SCENE: A dingy little cabaret in some no-name one-horse town. The sign outside reads "Limited Engagement: Harry Potter Sings His Life!" The club is nearly empty, very tatty and run-down. The few customers present are half-drunk and none of them are paying much attention. A single spotlight focuses on Severus Snape at the piano as he plays the opening chords of Elton John's Someone Saved My Life Tonight. The spotlight expands and we see Harry striking a pose as he begins to sing...

HARRY
When I think of that fateful night:
Greenish light, a high-pitched cackle,
In my darkest dreams.
Sirius said to Peter, "I'll decoy them away.
You'll be secret-keeper, and we'll save our dear Lily and James."
But things didn't turn out too great.

And something saved my life that night, Voldemort.
You almost had that curse on me, didn't you sport?
You nearly killed me out of spite,
One year old, a helpless child,
My mother pleaded for my life
But you would not be swayed,
And for that final curse you paid
An awesome price.
You rolled the dice.
Snake eyes!

Too late they realized they'd been betrayed.
The traitor: Peter, secret-keeper of Fidelius Charm.
"He'll keep James and Lily safe from harm."
Sirius thought, and never felt the least alarm.
But Peter, the Death Eater (Damn it!)
Went to Voldemort
And gave him a complete report.
Then he arrived.
And now I'm stuck on Privet Drive.

And something saved my life that night, Voldemort.
You almost had that curse on me, didn't you sport?
You nearly killed me out of spite,
One year old, a helpless child,
My mother pleaded for my life
But you would not be swayed,
And for that final curse you paid
An awesome price.
You rolled the dice.
Snake eyes!

Peter faked his death, and Sirius got blamed for the crime.
Never even got a trial.
Sentenced to Azkaban to do his time.
Hagrid bummed his bike and brought me safe to Dumbledore.
He left a note explaining me.
Aunt Petunia gave a scream.
Uncle Vernon's none too pleased.
The Dursleys act like I'm diseased.
But here I'll stay until it's time to be at Hogwarts...

And something saved my life that night, Voldemort.
You almost had that curse on me, didn't you sport?
You nearly killed me out of spite,
One year old, a helpless child,
My mother pleaded for my life
But you would not be swayed,
And for that final curse you paid
An awesome price.
You rolled the dice.
Snake eyes!

Something saved, something saved, something saved my life that night...
Something saved, something saved, something saved my life that night...
Something saved, something saved, something saved my life that night...

Repeat and fade as the spotlight narrows to focus on Harry's scar. Desultory applause. Snape's mouth curls in a malicious grin.

To the tune of Shake, Rattle and Roll by Bill Haley and the Comets

THE SCENE: HARRY sings of his three major Year Two antagonists

HARRY:
Way down in the chamber Tom Riddle would Potter damn
Way down in the chamber Tom Riddle would Potter damn
And Gilderoy will show he's a total sham

[Chorus]

I said Snake, Riddle and `Roy
I said Snake, Riddle and `Roy
I said Snake, Riddle and `Roy
I said Snake, Riddle and `Roy
Well, them three are all nutters who would my life destroy

To 'Roy Lockhart

Wearin' your outfit in forget-me-not blue
Wearin' your outfit in forget-me-not blue
You think you're cool, you're a hot mess through and through

[Chorus]

To the basilisk

You were a two-eyed snake, till you met the Phoenix Fawkes
You were a two-eyed snake, till you met the Phoenix Fawkes
Now I look at you, tell you don't know to walk the walk

To Tom Riddle (as Harry prepares to plunge the basilisk fang into Tom's diary)

You believe you're coming on strong as You-Know-Who
You believe you're coming on strong as You-Know-Who
The time has come for us to say "toodle-loo."

[Chorus]

I said Snake, Riddle and `Roy
I said Snake, Riddle and `Roy
I said Snake, Riddle and `Roy
I said Snake, Riddle and `Roy
Well, them three are all nutters who would my life destroy!

To the tune of Tonight from West Side Story by Bernstein and Sondheim

The Scene: Station Nine and Three-Quarter. That now archetypal sequence, when the TRIO return home after another harrowing year at Hogwarts

HARRY
Tonight tonight
My life becomes so trite
To Privet Drive tonight I've come back
Tonight tonight
As the Prince said, "Curséd spite!"
As a climax, this does somewhat lack.
On me, the fate of Hogwarts may hinge
Death Eaters at my name cringe
My strength is at its height.
Then how absurd
To stay with the Dursleys in the 'burbs
Tonight!

RON & HERMIONE
Tonight we'll get
At long last some respite
It's not easy to be Harry's friend
Tonight tonight
We'll go home and sleep tight
And relax until the summer's end
Tonight
There'll be no Secret Chamber
Or Goblet of Flame or
Time-turning at midnight.
We're out of school
Tranquility commences its rule
Tonight!

Sensing HARRY's depression, RON and HERMIONE attempt to console him

HERMIONE
For now, recoup
Take some time to regroup
Too soon will September arrive

RON
We may not like
What's coming down the pike

HARRY
But our fate guarantees we'll survive.

TRIO
We'll dwell
Amidst terrific danger
Through plot twists ever stranger
And nearly come to woe.
But end of year,
Once more we'll preservere!
Time to go!
Farewell!

The Trio depart with their respective families

A filk by Terra to the tune of Weird Al Yankovic's Ode to a Superhero, which is a parody of Billy Joel's Piano Man. I've always imagined Sirius singing it.

Poor Harry Potter was pitiful
Couldn't have been any shyer
The Dursleys still wouldn't notice him
Unless he set something on fire
But then one day he went to the Hut on the Rock
That Giant Hagrid came right in
Oh, and now Harry flies over the Quidditch pitch
And he's getting into everythin'
La li la, li de da
La la, li le la da dom

Show us that scar, you're the Boy-Who-Lived
Her love saved you that night
Cause we're all in the mood for a hero now
And there's Lord Voldemort to fight

Now Ron the poor kid's a friend of his
And big bro to little Ginny
But to his great surprise it seems she prefers guys
Who like to go on a mad killing spree
"It's our choices, not our inborn abilities"
That's the catch phrase of old Dumbledore
If you missed it, don't worry, they'll say it a lot
Till you can't take it anymore
Oh, la la la, di de da
La la, di di da da dom

Now Hermione's a brilliant witch
Who never had time for some fun
But then something went screwy and before you knew she
Was wrecking the time continuum
And she's ridin' around on that hippogriff
Oh, and Harry's savin' his past self
For all her talk about not being seen
They certainly don't use any stealth

Show us that scar, you're the Boy-Who-Lived
Her love saved you that night
Cause you're brave and you're strong and so grown-up now
Why do your glasses still fit just right?

It's a pretty sad day at the Tournament
Young Diggory has served as a spare
And I heard Harry's said that he wants Voldemort dead But the Ministry don't seem to care
Oh, and Ginny is still hot for Harry now
Aw, but Harry, he just shot her down
Little Gin, don't you cry, you can give it a try
Again when the fifth book comes round
Oh, la la la, di de da
La la, di di da da dom

Show us that scar, you're the Boy-Who-Lived
Her love saved you that night
Cause we all sure could use us a hero now
And we think that you'll do all right

A filk by Manda to the tune of Adam's Song by Blink 182.

He always thought
He'd be alone
Before they died he was unknown.
He slept in a cupboard in the wall
Dursleys' pretended he didn't exist at all.
He served the food
Swept the path
Until he was eleven, Muggles raised him up.
He was kept alive
'Coz of his mum.
Love caused Voldemort to be gone.

The age eleven took long to come
But he got powers and fun flying games
Quidditch matches made him feel alive.
He couldn't wait to get outside
The pitch was telling him to fly
That evil rouge Bludger that he survived.
He couldn't wait
For summer to be done
While he passed the time in his room alone.

He always thought
He'd feel alone
Powers that that scar held was unknown.
In the common room
With all his friends
Hermione was doing homework again.
Go back in time
To do more stuff
When living normally, she couldn't do enough
Get good scores
Prepare for O.W.L.'s
If they all fail this is all their fault.

Sirius's letters just rarely came
Where does he get parchment when staying in a cave?
Days and days would pass him by
And he's not allowed to get outside
Unless he turns into a dog
He beat Dementors, he survived
He couldn't wait, to not be alone
Announce that he's been innocent all along.

A perfect photo just rarely came
When Creevey snaps away again.
The best photo he'd ever strive
Was when Ron spat out slugs, alive
With his broken wand in hand
Defense when Draco had Mudbloods canned.
Harry can't wait
'Till he gets home
To threaten Dursleys' with spells when they're alone....

Hogwarts Students and Families

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