Copyright 2000-2007 by Caius Marcius, except If You're Anxious For to Shine in the Dark-Art Fighting Line Copyright 2001 by Lisa I.; Whomping Willow Copyright 2001 by Judy Nathanson; Dark Defense Tutorial and Hogwarts High Inquisitor Copyright 2002, 2003 by Pippin; Oh, Men of Dark and Dismal Fate Copyright 2002 by She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named; Snape's "Little" List Copyright 2002 by Slytherin Sister; I'm Called Mrs. Norris and Three Profs from Hogwarts School Are We Copyright 2002 by Eloise; When I Was At School Copyright 2002 by Gail; I Am The Hogwarts High Inquisitor (Trelawney's Inspection) Copyright 2003 by Anne Urbanski; The Hogwarts High Inquisitor's Song and My Eyes Are Finally Open Copyright 2003, 2010 by Eric Oppen; Founder of the Serpent's House, I Am the Very Model of a Modern Magic Minister, I Am The Very Model Of A Proper Hogwarts Sorting Hat and Salazar's Song Copyright 2003 by Salazar; We Are the Sisters Black Copyright 2003 by Catherine McK; If You Give Me Your Attention Copyright 2004 by Indigo Ziona; Fudging the List Copyright 2004 by Falcona; Snape's Little List Copyright 2005 by Dungrollin
A FLIRTIAC filk by Eloise to the tune of I'm Called Little Buttercup from HMS Pinafore
MRS. NORRIS
I'm called Mrs.. Norris - just Mrs. Norris,
Nobody ever knows why
But still I'm called Norris - just Mrs. Norris,
Plain Mrs. Norris I !
I'm grey and skeletal - the people I meet all
Think I'm just a scrawny old cat;
But I have a history - I'm really a mystery
My name is a pointer to that.
Am I Filch's lover, though sworn to another?
Am I only feline since cursed?
Did Argus' devotion and Kittygro Potion
Transform me so I can't reverse?
I'm called Mrs. Norris - just Mrs. Norris,
One day you'll surely know why
You don't know my first name, but only my spouse's name,
Filch's cursed sweetheart am I!
To the tune of When I Was a Lad from HMS Pinafore
Enter LORD VOLDEMORT and a CHORUS OF DEATH EATERS
VOLDEMORT
When I was a lad still in Hogwarts School
I determined the entire world I'd someday rule
But I didn't need to study the whole library
I decided all I needed was a diary
I preserved my thoughts so carefully
That I became the darkest Lord in History
CHORUS OF DEATH EATERS
Too bad that diary of yours got gored
For once, the pen was not as mighty as the sword
VOLDEMORT
When I was but a toddler, my Muggle dad
Abandoned me and Mummy, it was rather sad.
Thoughts of him ensconced in his ancestral estate
Retained some power always me to irritate
Being mild by nature and quite risk-averse,
I addressed this family issue via Kedrava curse
CHORUS
When relationships get unlivable
You can always count on Curses Unforgivable
VOLDEMORT
I later decided I should change my name
My original was questionable and rather plain
As I then stood upon the brink of world renown
I found an appellation of euphonic sound
I unveiled this name with such ado
That they're only brave enough to call me "You-Know-Who"
CHORUS
You must say "He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named,"
Or we Death Eaters will make sure you get really flamed
VOLDEMORT
And then for a time I was Number One
I killed people sometimes but 'twas all in fun
I slew James and Lily (who I never did like),
Then I cast a wicked spell upon their little tyke
I cast that spell so wickedly,
That I rather blush to say it, but the joke was on me.
CHORUS
When a helpless infant you would curse
First make sure that Mom has not invoked a curse reverse.
VOLDEMORT
I retreated in the interim to the Albanian dale
As I contemplated how best to hit the comeback trail
And since with Harry Potter I'm inextricably linked
Just a dabble of his blood has put me in the pink
Now, fully restored to my physical form
I'm preparing to unleash on you my Perfect Storm
VOLDEMORT & CHORUS
You'll never guess what we've cooked up next
We're afraid that when we tell you, you'll be rather vexed!
A filk by Gail to the tune of When I Was A Lad from H.M.S. Pinafore
PERCY is telling his secret of success to his brothers Fred, George and Ron. Although Percy is being dead serious, his brothers (who are singing the chorus) are making fun of him.
PERCY:
When I was at school I soon was made
Prefect due to my outstanding grades
I'd give House Points or take them away
And my Prefect badge I polished every single day
CHORUS (in a mocking tone of voice):
His Prefect badge he polished every single day
PERCY:
My Prefect badge I polished 'til it gleamed
And now I am here working at the Ministry
CHORUS:
His Prefect badge he'd polish 'til it gleamed
And now he is there working at the Ministry
PERCY:
Our mother she became overjoyed
When I was made Hogwarts Head Boy
I'd done so well in my exams called OWLs
And never from my mother did I get a Howl'
CHORUS:
And never from our mother did he get a Howl'
PERCY:
I must say she was so proud of me
And now I am here working at the Ministry
CHORUS:
We must say she was so proud of he
And now he is there working at the Ministry
PERCY:
After school I was no slouch
I started working under Mister Crouch
I took down notes and I made him tea
And I wouldn't mind when he would call me "Weatherby"
CHORUS:
He wouldn't mind when he would call him "Weatherby"
PERCY:
I served Mister Crouch so faithfully
That's how I'll get ahead here at the Ministry
CHORUS:
He served Mister Crouch so faithfully
That's how he'll get ahead there at the Ministry
PERCY:
I served so well, it was no accident
That Crouch chose me to be his assistant
I took his place when he fell ill
Following instructions written by his quill
CHORUS:
Following instructions written by his quill
PERCY:
I'm following instructions so carefully
Since I really do love working at the Ministry
CHORUS:
He's following instructions so carefully
Since he really does love working at the Ministry
PERCY:
My long term plans I'll make public
I'd fain to be Minster of Magic
I'll do my duties and hold no grudge
And I'll be as great as Cornelius Fudge
CHORUS:
And he'll be as great as Cornelius Fudge?
PERCY:
I can see it now, I'll make history
When I am made the Minister of the Ministry
CHORUS:
He can see it now, he'll make history
When he is made the Minister of the Ministry
PERCY:
Now brothers, listen attentively
Or else you'll remain in mediocrity
A bit of ambition is all it took
You could do with taking a leaf out of my own book
CHORUS:
We really do not think we will Percy, you schnook
PERCY:
Follow my advice and you could be like me
And get yourselves positions at the Ministry
CHORUS:
Follow his advice? And we could be like he?
We think we'd rather not work for the Ministry
A filk by Salazar to the tune of I Am a Pirate King from The Pirates of Penzance
SALAZAR
Oh better far to use Dark Arts
Than to let in Mudblood upstarts
For their admittance has me sore
Though they're almost all in Gryffindor....
And Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw take them too
When I'd like to send them all out the floo
But I'll give them glances witherin'
And take purebloods in Slytherin!
SLYTHERINS
For...he rules all Slytherin!
And it's true, it's true, the house cup you win
When you rule Slytherin!
For he rules all Slytherin!
And it's true, it's true, the house cup you win
When you rule Slytherin!
SALAZAR
I'm Salazar Slytherin!
When I teach my students all I know
I don't spare AK or Crucio
The Dark Arts, you can ridicule 'em
But for me they're good curriculum!
My fellows might think that I've gone too far
GODRIC
You're a fascist racist, Salazar!
SALAZAR (to Godric)
I'll crucio you till your head doth spin
Don't mess with the Head of Slytherin!
For....I rule all Slytherin!
SLYTHERINS
And it's true, it's true, the house cup you win
When you rule Slytherin!
For he rules all Slytherin!
And it's true, it's true, the house cup you win
When you rule Slytherin!
ALL
I'm/He's Salazar Slytherin!
A filk by Pippin to the tune of I Am the very Model of a Modern Major General from The Pirates of Penzance
The Scene: Lockhart's Office, September, 1992. Lockhart sings while putting up posters and photographs of himself. The images join in on the chorus
LOCKHART:
I'll teach the very model of a Dark Defense tutorial
I'll cover subjects vegetable animal and mineral
I know the spooks of England, and the lore of beasts fantastical
From to Augureys to Unicorns in order alphabetical
I'm very well acquainted too with matters on the Quidditch pitch
I could have played for England if I hadn't caught the Dark Arts itch
And when it comes to potions I am teeming with a lot of brews
Restoratative draughts are something I can whip up while I snooze
ALL:
Restoratative draughts are something we can whip up while we snooze
LOCKHART
Oh I have even cured a werewolf having mastered Homorphus
And I've dealt with a vampire so that he could only suck lettuce
In short in matters sorcerous tenebrous and black magical
I'll teach the very model of a Dark Defense tutorial
ALL:
In short in matters sorcerous tenebrous and black magical
We'll teach the very model of a Dark Defense tutorial
WIZARD CALENDAR PAGES flip past to June: Ron and Harry have come to offer their help in rescuing Ginny. Lockhart sings a reprise as he packs
LOCKHART:
Oh I've a real talent when it comes to turning pixies loose
For dimly signing forged requests for students wanting Polyjuice
And whilst I gladly act out all the scenes from my collected books
If you believe I did that stuff you really are a pair of schnooks.
RON AND HARRY:
And while he gladly acts out all the scenes from his collected books
If we believe he did that stuff we really are a pair of schnooks?
LOCKHART:
In fact if I knew what was meant by kneazle and Abraxian
If I could tell at sight a hippocampus from a pogrebin
And if I knew precisely how the leprechaun can do its tricks
And if in facing basilisks no other Auror took such risks
If I had learned what progress has been made in fighting You-Know-Who
And if my lilac robes had all assumed a much more modest hue
In short if I'd a smattering of dark arts fighting strategy
I wouldn't have to hex you both and say it was a tragedy.
RON AND HARRY:
He's going to try and hex us both and say it was a tragedy
LOCKHART:
For though I've boasted daily in my Dark Defense tutorial
My dark arts fighting knowledge, I'm afraid, is rather minimal
Besides the winning smile with which I hawk my wares authorial
The only skill I really have is with my charms memorial
Harry performs Expelliarmus and Lockhart's wand flies from his hand
RON AND HARRY:
If he had mastered magic other than his charms memorial
We'd say there never was a better Dark Defense tutorial
A filk by Pippin to the tune of the Major-General's Song from The Pirates of Penzance.
UMBRIDGE
I am the very model of a Hogwarts High Inquisitor
I sit in back of every class as if I was a visitor
There'll be no deviation while I serve as an inhibitor
From subjects in the syllabus which you will all be quizzing for
Although I do not soil my hands with matters strictly practical
I am the prefect parody of educratic folderal
As I bring Hogwarts to its knees with educational decrees
From twenty-two to twenty-eight in Ministry bureaucrat-ese
ALL:
From twenty-two to twenty-eight in Ministry bureaucrat-ese (3x)
HERMIONE
She looks all loveydovey with her velvet bow and cardigan
And yet she has a magic quill that carves out letters in your hand
Oh Harry go tell Dumbledore, the woman's a sadistic --boar
We cannot let her go on being Hogwarts High Inquisitor
HARRY
Your good advice I will ignore for I've defeated Voldemort
And surely I'm an equal for the Hogwarts High Inquisitor
UMBRIDGE
I have a thing for halfbreeds which is positively Freudian
I passed a law so Remus Lupin cannot be employed again
I sent Trelawney packing with my breathless phony hacking
'hem'
And my reforms are sticking cos The Daily Prophet's backing
them
And now that I have evidence against that old fool Dumbledore
I've proved he's raised an army and we're going to shove him out
the door
I'll use Veritaserum, I can prove that Potter's telling lies
And naughty Marietta tells that they've been meeting in disguise
THE DA
And naughty Marietta squeals that we've been meeting in disguse (3x)
UMBRIDGE
I'll squelch this nasty rumour saying You-Know-Who is back again
And I'll be the new Hogwarts Head before you can say "Slytherin"
And I will have accomplished everything that is requisite for
Fulfilling my assignment as the Hogwarts High Inquisitor
ALL
And she will have accomplished everything that is requisite for
Fulfilling her assignment as the Hogwarts High Inquisitor
UMBRIDGE
If Harry Potter doesn't talk I'm going to use a Crucio!
Unless the little bugger tells me whom he was floo-speaking to
It's time he was discredited, I do not need a dementor
I'll make him talk because I am the Hogwarts High Inquisitor
HERMIONE
No! Come in to the forest where a weapon's hidden carefully
And do not take your squad unless you trust them all implicitly
(And if you are not capable of fighting off a mad centaur
I think we'll finally get rid of the Hogwarts High Inquistor)
THE DA
I think we'll finally get rid of the Hogwarts High Inquisitor (3x)
UMBRIDGE
What I have learned from Slinkhard's book is highly theoretical
It's only useful when I'm fighting monsters hypothetical
The centaurs have surrounded me, my terror is exquisite for
They don't seem to respect me as a Hogwarts High Inquisitor
THE DA
The centaurs have surrounded her, her terror is exquisite for
They do not give a clop about the Hogwarts High Inquisitor
A filk by Mariner to the tune of I Am the Very Model of a Modern Major-General from The Pirates of Penzance
Scene: Enter SNAPE, swirling his cloak, followed by a chorus of SLYTHERINS
SNAPE
I am the very model of an Anti-Hero Archetype,
My condescending manner's guaranteed to make the heroes gripe,
I hang out in a dungeon that a nicer guy would wither in,
It doesn't bother me at all because I am a Slytherin.
I always dress in black with a theatrical and stylish flair,
It makes up for the fact that I don't brush my teeth or wash my hair.
I work with smelly potions in an underground laboratory
And have a gift for sarcasm and other snarky oratory.
SLYTHERINS
He has a gift for sarcasm and other snarky oratory,
He has a gift for sarcasm and other snarky oratory,
He has a gift for sarcasm and other snarky oratory!
SNAPE
I'm biased toward Malfoy and the other kids in Slytherin,
I terrorize Longbottom into quiverin' and ditherin',
In short I can assure you that I more than live up to the hype
Of being the very model of an Anti-Hero Archetype.
SLYTHERINS
In short we can assure you that he more than lives up to the hype
Of being the very model of an Anti-Hero Archetype.
SNAPE
I have an evil history that's murky and mysterious,
I have a vicious grudge against that bloody bastard Sirius,
I torment Harry Potter every opportunity I get,
But when he is imperiled I am always there to save the brat.
I was a double-agent in the previous Death Eater war,
And now I go again to risk my scrawny neck for Dumbledore,
Exactly what I'm doing, only JKR can say for sure,
But if I'm caught I'll probably get Crucio'd by Voldemort.
SLYTHERINS:
But if he's caught he'll probably get Crucio'd by Voldemort,
But if he's caught he'll probably get Crucio'd by Voldemort,
But if he's caught he'll probably get Crucio'd by Voldemort.
SNAPE
I'm capable of standing up to hazards occupational,
I'm capable of carrying a grudge cross-generational,
In short I can assure you that I more than live up to the hype
Of being the very model of an Anti-Hero Archetype.
SLYTHERINS
In short we can assure you that he more than lives up to the hype
Of being the very model of an Anti-Hero Archetype.
SNAPE
In fact, when we discover the true history behind the Prank,
And learn the real reasons for my quitting the Death Eater ranks,
And why I knew Dark Magic by the time I first showed up at school,
And whether I'll make Dumbledore look like a genius or a fool,
And if Karkaroff mentored me the way he mentors Victor Krum,
And if I ever really had a crush on Harry Potter's mum,
In short, when Jo reveals the truth behind my nastiness and rage,
You'll say a better archetype has never stalked across a page.
SLYTHERINS
In short, when Jo reveals the truth behind his nastiness and rage,
You'll say a better archetype has never stalked across a page.
SNAPE
I'm complicated and intense, heroic and despicable,
My motives are so twisted, some would say they're inexplicable,
In short I can assure you that I more than live up to the hype
Of being the very model of an Anti-Hero Archetype.
SLYTHERINS
In short, we can assure you that he more than lives up to the hype
Of being the very model of an Anti-Hero Archetype!
A filk by Salazar to the tune of the Major General Song from The Pirates of Penzance.
FUDGE prances onto the stage, followed by a CHORUS OF MINISTRY OFFICIALS.
FUDGE
I am the very model of a modern Magic Minister
I wear a lime-green bowler hat and can look oddly sinister.
I'm teeming with enthusiasm for the office that I hold
Although when it comes down to it, my acts are never very bold.
My assistants are well-versed in all their history and other writs
Despite the fact that most of them are just Death Eater hypocrites.
I find myself in dire straits when Umbridge makes herself a fool
By bogging down the system that they instrument at Hogwarts School!
OFFICIALS
By bogging down the system that they instrument at Hogwarts School!
By bogging down the system that they instrument at Hogwarts School!
By bogging down the system that they instrument at Hogwarts School!
FUDGE
Though I didn't believe Dumbledore when he said You-Know-Who was back
I find myself in trouble now that he has launched a new attack
But still, by wearing bowler hats and looking oddly sinister
I am the very model of a modern Magic Minister!
OFFICIALS
But still, by wearing bowler hats and looking oddly sinister
He is the very model of a modern Magic Minister!
FUDGE
I haven't just the foggiest how Wormtail came alive again
Although just when it happened Potter and his friends derived it then
And Voldemort's return is just a myst'ry where I am concerned
Although when they proved us wrong I knew then that I had gotten burned.
Now You-know-who is back again and I am really quite surprised
Because I haven't just one clue how he has been revitalized
I used to think that Potter and his mentor were alarmist jerks
For teaching all the students how the spell expelliarmus works!
OFFICIALS
For teaching all the students how the spell expelliarmus works!
For teaching all the students how the spell expelliarmus works!
For teaching all the students how the spell expelliarmus works!
FUDGE
It's such a bloody nuisance now that Dumble's got his eminence
And I am stuck here publishing the Idiot's (pronounced id-yot's) guide to self defense
But still, by wearing bowler hats and looking oddly sinister
I am the very model of a modern Magic Minister!
OFFICIALS
But still, by wearing bowler hats and looking oddly sinister
He is the very model of a modern Magic Minister!
FUDGE
In fact, at some point when I'm doing work to run the government
And not spending all of my time in Dumbledore's damn covenant
And maybe then I'll have some time to do some work that's not absurd...
And not be tangled up in this weird order of a firebird
Perhaps one day I'll find that I can safely, strongly rule the land
While Umbridge carves some letters in the back of all our children's hands.
But I can't think about all that when I have got a war to fight
Why did this have to happen now, I wish that I could still sit tight!
OFFICIALS
Why did this have to happen now, we wish that we could still sit tight!
Why did this have to happen now, we wish that we could still sit tight!
Why did this have to happen now, we wish that we could still sit tight!
FUDGE
But my standards of security are not based quite so loosely, though
Because I am afraid that I may be hit with a Crucio
But still, by wearing bowler hats and looking oddly sinister
I am the very model of a modern Magic Minister!
OFFICIALS
But still, by wearing bowler hats and looking oddly sinister
He is the very model of a modern Magic Minister
A filk by Salazar to the tune of Major General Song from The Pirates of Penzance.
HAT:
I am the very model of a proper Hogwarts Sorting Hat
Just put me on your head and I will find the right house just like that!
If you want some description of the options that I offer here
Just listen to me well and I assure you that you need no fear
The Gryffindors are nothing if they're not a quite enduring lot
When trouble rears its ugly head do they all hide? Well, surely not!
And they don't like it all that much if you are not an honest type
And around all their chivalry they place a rather unjust hype.
GRYFFINDORS
And around all our chivalry we place a rather deserved hype!
And around all our chivalry we place a rather deserved hype!
And around all our chivalry we place a rather deserved hype!
HAT
Yet, if you want adventure and a life of living on the edge
And you think that all cowardice is nothing but a sacrilege
In short, if you would gladly fight a dragon with a cricket bat
Then Gryffindor's what you will find within the Hogwarts Sorting Hat!
GRYFFINDORS
In short, if you would gladly fight a dragon with a cricket bat
Then Gryffindor's what you will find within the Hogwarts Sorting Hat!
HAT
The Hufflepuffs are diligent, though slightly immaterial
And they're about as similar as grains of breakfast cereal
Although you may be mocked because you're not the most distinguished kid
Without you all subordinates and workers would be gotten rid.
You must attempt to always work, regardless of banality
Considering that laziness carries much criminality
Loyalty's the biggest point, they all are classic altruists.
A Hufflepuff, above all else, is completely collectivist!
HUFFLEPUFFS (proudly)
A Hufflepuff, above all else, is completely collectivist!
A Hufflepuff, above all else, is completely collectivist!
A Hufflepuff, above all else, is completely collectivist!
HAT
Yet if you find that loyalty and study are the best of all
And think that others slacking is a troubled case of excess gall
In short, if you're not distinguished by being short or thin or fat,
Then Hufflepuff is waiting right within the Hogwarts Sorting Hat.
HUFFLEPUFFS
In short, if you're not distinguished by being short or thin or fat,
Then Hufflepuff is waiting right within the Hogwarts Sorting Hat.
HAT
The Ravenclaws are well versed in all things which have a scholar's touch
They like to read philosophy and complex science very much.
Their work is always excellent, they have a proper intellect
Their tests are always perfect, which is what your teachers will expect.
If you cannot believe that some people think class is glorious
And think that all the textbooks are just clumsy and laborious
Then Ravenclaw is not the house you'll want to enter into here
Yet, if you are the top of class, just put me on and have no fear!
RAVENCLAWS
Yet, if you are the top of class, just put him on and have no fear!
Yet, if you are the top of class, just put him on and have no fear!
Yet, if you are the top of class, just put him on and have no fear!
HAT
If you believe quite firmly in the truth of Einstein's eminence
And put no other things before your pursuit of intelligence
In short, if your life revolves around all of the exams you've sat
Then Ravenclaw is waiting right within the Hogwarts Sorting Hat!
RAVENCLAWS
In short, if your life revolves around all of the exams you've sat
Then Ravenclaw is waiting right within the Hogwarts Sorting Hat!
HAT
And finally, the Slytherins, who are a group of demagogues.
You'll don't belong in Slytherin if you're one bit ideologue.
They care not for morality or anything which keeps them back
To win they'll lie and cheat and stretch their enemies upon the rack!
Yet, if you all find that thoughts of right and wrong are so damn silly
And take all of your cues from Niccolo Machiavelli
Why, you will find a welcome place within the serpentine house, then
But when you're out of Hogwarts you will never trust a soul again!
SLYTHERINS (smiling maliciously)
But when you're out of Hogwarts you will never trust a soul again!
But when you're out of Hogwarts you will never trust a soul again!
But when you're out of Hogwarts you will never trust a soul again!
HAT
Although, if you think dog-eat-dog's the way of all the world today
And care not who you hurt just as long as you can just get your way..
In short, if you aspire to become a ruthless plutocrat
Then Slytherin is waiting right within the Hogwarts Sorting Hat!
SLYTHERINS
In short, if you aspire to become a ruthless Plutocrat
Then Slytherin is waiting right within the Hogwarts Sorting Hat!
A filk by Salazar to the tune of the Major General Song from The Pirates of Penzance.
SALAZAR
I am the very person who is founder of the Serpent's House
My prejudiced ideals have made Godric think I am a louse.
I'm sarcastic and quite rude as well as Parseltongue endowed
And I want a new policy that says no Mudbloods are allowed.
I am highly pureblood maniac and utterly supremacist
I am villainous and wicked just as well as a complete sadist
I don't believe in anything so stupid as morality.
I consider right and wrong to have a measure of banality.
SLYTHERINS
He considers right and wrong to have a measure of banality
He considers right and wrong to have a measure of banality
He considers right and wrong to have a measure of banality!
SALAZAR
I prefer the kids whose magic is familially hereditary
And I destroy your homework with a load of vicious commentary
In short I swear to all of you that Slytherin I do espouse
In fact I am the person who is founder of the Serpent's house
SLYTHERINS
In short we swear to all of you that Slytherin he does espouse
In fact he is the person who is founder of the Serpent's house.
SALAZAR
I'm portrayed as quite a monster fictionally and historically
"Why was he born at all" is now a query quite rhetorically
I am easily compared with Adolph Hitler, though improperly
And Voldemort compared to me is bloody David Copperfield
Although he is my grandson he has wrecked my whole house damnably
I can't believe that he and I are part of the same family!
Although, despite our differences, we both were glad to take the risk
And torment Hogwarts School with an entirely hungry Basilisk!
SLYTHERINS
And torment Hogwarts School with an entirely hungry Basilisk!
And torment Hogwarts School with an entirely hungry Basilisk!
And torment Hogwarts School with an entirely hungry Basilisk!
SALAZAR
I can set a basilisk upon the students oh so willingly
Yes, my bigotry's intrinsic to the wholeness of my villainy.
In short I swear to all of you that Slytherin I do espouse
In fact I am the person who is founder of the Serpent's house
SLYTHERINS
In short we swear to all of you that Slytherin he does espouse
In fact he is the person who is founder of the Serpent's house.
SALAZAR
In fact, when I become less so a figure only in fanfics
And take up a position with the likes of Crouch and Bellatrix
And Slytherin is fin'lly seen as humane and not ster-yo-typed
And Dumbledore is seen at last as "stupid old guy" archetype
Perhaps Ron Weasley will one day get slightly more antipathy
And Mr. Draco Malfoy will get just an ounce of sympathy.
But JKR will never let any of that stuff start it seems.
But at least me and all my house will always have the right to dream!
SLYTHERINS (sadly)
But at least we and all our house will always have the right to dream!
But at least we and all our house will always have the right to dream!
But at least we and all our house will always have the right to dream!
SALAZAR
But perhaps it's better that me and my evil blood fanaticism
Remain a figure shrouded in myst'ry and enigmaticism!
In short I swear to all of you that Slytherin I do espouse
In fact I am the person who is founder of the Serpent's house
SLYTHERINS
In short we swear to all of you that Slytherin he does espouse
In fact he is the person who is founder of the Serpent's house.
"I AM the very MOdel of a MOdern major GEN-er-al" is what's known as a 'patter' song: it is sung rather fast. (The Hat took the precaution of having the tear in its rim reinforced with a zip. It glinted a tad malevolently in the candlelight, affording him a mildly trendy air of Punk.) People were so impressed with the hard work the Hat obviously put in to singing it right that they asked for an encore. Plus they didn't follow a word the first time round.
THE SORTING HAT:
When Hogwarts' founders Snuffed It at the start of the millennium,
Their rivalries and foibles didn't cross the Lethe's banks with them;
For Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw and Slytherin and Gryffindor
Bequeathed me the authority to pick the House you're suited for.
Let other schools set entry tests and quiz your personality,
A SORTING HAT gets access to your innermost reality.
Your aptitudes and certitudes and psychoanalytical
Complexities will point you to the path which proves so critical.
Now Gryffindors are fêted for persistent feats of bravery,
And Righting every Wrong from Third-World Debt to House-elf Slavery.
They'll throw you in the thick of fine adventures that should not be missed -
If you can stick their heartiness and aren't too individualist.
The Hufflepuffs are loyal, fair, hardworking and meticulous,
Which makes up for the fact that Helga's surname was ridiculous.
You never take short cuts or cheat, for laziness is criminal,
An excellent philosophy when praise you win is minimal.
The wise Rowena Ravenclaw creamed off the intellectual,
The scholarly, the witty and profoundly ineffectual,
Whose Credo Cogitamus ergo sumus makes the best hot air;
But if you didn't get all that, Don't Panic - I won't put you there.
The virtues of the Serpent's house are swathed in deepest mystery,
But only slaves to simpleness would shun its chequered history,
With drive that sends you far in life, with shrewd and ruthless brilliance-
A Slytherin, for good or ill, will make the greatest diff-er-ence.
But now my tender audience I'm sure that you have heard enough
Of Slytherin and Ravenclaw and Gryffindor and Hufflepuff,
My job's to get you Sorted and I'll brook no bribes, or threats or tears;
Just put me on and trust me - I've been doing this a thousand years.
A filk by She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named to the tune of Oh, Men of Dark and Dismal Fate from The Pirates of Penzance.
VOLDEMORT is about to meet his end, but he suddenly throws down his wand, and begins to sing.
VOLDEMORT:
Oh, men of dark and dismal fate,
Forgo your cruel employ,
Have pity on my lonely state,
I am an orphan boy!
DUMBLEDORE & McGONAGALL:
An orphan boy?
VOLDEMORT:
An orphan boy!
THE OLD GANG:
How sad, an orphan boy.
VOLDEMORT:
These DEs whom you see
Are all I have to call my own!
GANG:
Poor fellow!
VOLDEMORT:
Take them away from me,
And I shall be indeed alone.
GANG:
Poor fellow!
See at our feet they kneel;
Our hearts we cannot steel
Against the sad, sad tale of the lonely orphan boy!
VOLDEMORT:
I'm telling a terrible story
Since I murdered my father so gory.
But they would have ended this grand occupation,
And thwarted my world domination,
If I hadn't, in elegant diction,
Indulged in an innocent fiction,
Which is not in the same category
As a telling a regular terrible story.
ENSEMBLE
DEs (aside, simultaneous with below)
He is telling a terrible story,
Which will tend to diminish his glory
Though they would have ended this grand occupation,
And thwarted his world domination.
THE OLD GANG: (aside, simultaneous with above)
If he's telling a terrible story.
He shall die by a death that is gory.
He'll find himself dying by assasination
To pay for his vile fabrication.
DEs & THE OLD GANG:
It is easy, in elegant diction.
To call it an innocent fiction,
But it comes in the same category
As telling a regular terrible story.
VOLDEMORT et al:
It is easy, in elegant diction.
To call it an innocent fiction,
But it comes in the same category
As telling a regular story.
DUMBLEDORE:
Although our dark crusade
At times involves some dirty dealing (looks at Snape),
We'd rather think that we're
Not altogether void of feeling.
Although we live in strife,
We're sorry still to enter in it.
For what, we ask, is life
Without a touch of Poetry in it?
All kneel
ALL:
Hail, Poetry, thou heav'n-born maid!
Thou gildest e'en the wizard's trade.
Hail, flowing fount of sentiment!
All hail, all hail, divine emollient!
All rise
DUMBLEDORE:
You may go, for you're at liberty,
Our righteous rules protect you,
And honorary members of our gang we do elect you!
LUCIUS MALFOY:
For he is an orphan boy!
All: He is! Hurrah for the orphan boy!
VOLDEMORT:
And it sometimes is a useful thing
To be an orphan boy.
ALL:
It is! Hurrah for the orphan boy!
Hurrah for the orphan boy!
To the tune of When a Felon's Not Engaged, from The Pirates of Penzance
THE SCENE: An office at the Ministry of Magic. ALASTOR MOODY had a seeming change of heart after completing mandated sensitivity training
MOODY
When dementors aren't engaged in soul-destroyment
Or in draining out each happy thought they can
Our ear toward their rich culture is with joy bent
As love and peace they spread through Azkaban
We must embrace each Dark Lord as our brother
Stereotyping of Death Eaters we reject
We must make sure that we don't label them The Other
An Auror must be politically correct
Oh! We don't advocate a jingoistic Dark Arts Defense
We must heed the call for Constant Tolerance
Although Dark Wizards try at times to kill us
Or to hurt us with an Unforgiven Curse,
'Tis a sensitive thought certain to fulfill us
If we celebrate the ways that they're diverse
When a Red Cap feasts on bodies after battle
That's a lifestyle choice that we should all respect
The differences 'twixt Dark and Light we'll straddle
All Aurors shall be politically correct
Oh! When Lord Voldemort next strikes at us with murderous force
We must ask ourselves how we've wronged him, of course.
Exit, skipping merrily
NOTE: Although Moody's consciousness may appear to have been "raised", he was actually put under a mild Confundus Charm, which wore off in a couple of hours - after which he went back to detesting and loathing all Dark Wizards and creatures, as an Auror properly should.
To the tune of With Cat-Like Tread from The Pirates of Penzance
THE SCENE: The First Floor Girls' Restroom of Gryffindor A large cauldron sits in front of the restroom stalls. Enter HARRY, RON & HERMIONE, bearing ingredients for Polyjuice Potion, in furtherance of their mission to penetrate Slytherin incognito that they may interrogate Draco Malfoy about the Chamber
TRIO (very loud, with bold gestures)
With firm resolve
The Polyjuice we'll brew!
It really stinks
And from boogers take its hue!
Here's our intent:
We'll make just like Clark Kent
If in disguise
Slytherin won't get wise!
MOANING MYRTLE (off-stage)
Boo-hoo-hoo-hoo Boo-hoo-hoo-hoo
TRIO
They'll be filled with deep regrets
When we learn their Chamber Secrets
We shall new shapes assume!
Transmogrification
'Tis Calvin `n' Hobbes' elation
We'll take the form of goons
-
To leave Slytherin's scheme in ruins
HERMIONE
Enough of this persiflage!
We'll instigate this mixture
Before these restroom fixtures
HARRY & RON
We'll don some camouflage
To do a little espionage!
MOANING MYRTLE (off-stage)
Boo-hoo-hoo-hoo Boo-hoo-hoo-hoo
Reading from Moste Potent Potions, Hermione supervises RON and HARRY as they mix various ingredients into the cauldron
HERMIONE
Here is your knotgrass, then we add the fluxweed
Stir the lacewing flies - now a leech we will need
Powdered horn of bicorn, a boomslang's shred skin
The cauldron smokes convulsively, and finally settles. HERMIONE ladles the Polyjuice into three different cups
Finally, in each cup - just a pinch of Slytherin.
All three drops in a hair from the selected Slytherin resident. Exchanging a single glance and a nod, the three retreat into individual stalls. Several moments of silence. Then, the first door opens, revealing HARRY as Goyle. A moment later, RON emerges from the second door as Crabbe. Then after an extremely long pause, HERMIONE emerges - but not as Millicent Bullstrode........
HERMIONE
With cat-like fur
From the bathroom stall I steal
HARRY & RON (as Crabbe and Goyle)
Believe us, you look
As bad as you must feel
HERMIONE
I'm so confused
The hair I must have used
Came from some cat
HARRY & RON (as Crabbe and Goyle)
Can't Pomfrey fix that?
TRIO
We learn despite our toil
Just why Moste Potent Potions
Creates such great commotions
HARRY and RON (as Crabbe and Goyle)
But let's see if Draco Malfoy'll
Spill the beans to "Crabbe" and "Goyle."
Exit HARRY and RON, as HERMIONE retreats back into her stall. Myrtle's laughter echoes in the background
A filk by Lisa I. to the tune of If You're Anxious for to Shine in the High Aesthetic Line from Patience
Enter GILDEROY LOCKHART, scooting quickly into his office, conjuring trunks with exotic stamps on them and tossing all his belongings in willy-nilly.
LOCKHART
Am I alone,
And unobserved? I am!
Then let me own
I'm a magical sham!
This air of cheer
Is but a mere
Veneer!
This winning smile
Is but a wile
Of guile!
These robes are placed
To feign good taste --
A waste!
Let me confess!
The casualty of students does NOT blight me!
A magical entente does NOT delight me!
I do NOT care for heroic scenes
By any means.
I do NOT want opportunities
To scrape my knees.
I am NOT fond of professing DADA
--
To me, it's nada!
In short, my heroism's affectation,
Born of a morbid love of admiration!
If you're anxious for to shine in the dark-art fighting line,
as a man of talent rare,
You must get up all the germs of Transfiguration terms,
and plant them everywhere.
You must stand upon the dais-es and discourse in novel phrases of the
creatures that you find,
The meaning doesn't matter if it's only idle chatter of a
brave, yet modest, kind.
And everyone will say
As you walk your knowing way,
"If this young man expresses greater bravery than ME,
Why, what a very singularly brave young man this brave young man must be!"
Be eloquent in praise of your roaring salad days
which by no means have passed by,
And the Bandon Banshee's eyes, and the werewolf's close demise
are a blink in your turquoise eye.
Of course you will pooh-pooh whatever others do,
and declare you did it better;
And you will get the meat of a far-off wizard's feat,
and purloin it to the letter.
And everyone will say,
As you walk your hero's way,
"If that's not wild enough for him that's wild enough for ME,
"Why, what a very rootin' tootin' kind of man this kind of man must be!"
Then a sneaky kind of penchant for a permanent and trenchant
Memory Charm must be your skill,
To protect the name you're making from the charge of blatant faking
made by those who wish you ill.
Though the wizards may all snicker and declare you're truly thicker
than the Gringotts main vault door,
All the witches will applaud you and the tabloids will all laud you
if you give them one smile more.
And everyone will say,
As you walk your handsome way,
"If he's content with charm and looks which can't be had by me,
Why what a most particularly unique man this unique man must be!"
LOCKHART startles as a knock sounds upon his office door. He opens it, and finds Harry and Ron waiting.
To the tune of When I Go Out of Door from Patience
NOTE: LORD VOLDEMORT, having egregiously failed to meet the minimal Evil Overlord standards during the first four volumes, below outlines some of the procedural changes he is planning to institute over the next fiscal year. But pending the release of Volume Five, he has little choice for now but to endure the jibes of his principal antagonist with "Patience."
Enter LORD VOLDEMORT. Enter, from the opposite direction, HARRY POTTER
VOLDEMORT
Just call me Voldemort
In my anti-Harry war
I've made use of tactics
At moments climactic
Which I in hindsight deplore
With Potter's life at stake
It proved a dear mistake
When young Thomas Riddle
Did naught else but piddle
Instead of spring his snake
HARRY
A most contrite Dark Lord
A not-too-bright Dark Lord
An "unloose-his-bonding-and-give-back-his-wanding
Then-fall-on-my-sword" Dark Lord
VOLDEMORT
If I've gained the upper hand
I swear I shan't grandstand
I've given up fooling
With ritual dueling
Long speeches are henceforth banned
Expository prose
Is one of my "no-nos"
For Overlord status
I'll not gain for gratis
If my mouth can't stay closed
A quite reformed Dark Lord
A well-informed Dark Lord
A completely-believable-chillingly-evil-ble
Overdrive Overlord
HARRY
A total dork Dark Lord
A "he'll-get-Borked" Dark Lord
A brash-filibustering-needing-Ghostbustering
Overboard Overlord
VOLDEMORT
A most intense Dark Lord
A common sense Dark Lord
A hail-good-fellow-yet-Machiavelli-vet
Hit-every-chord Dark Lord
HARRY
A dim and dumb Dark Lord
An immensely dense Dark Lord
A stand-there-and-gloat-at-you-missing-the-boat-on-cue
Over-the-top Dark Lord
VOLDEMORT
A Richard Three Dark Lord
An Iago-y Dark Lord
A Shakespearean-tragical-cutting-edge-magical
Byronic-y Dark Lord
VOLDEMORT (simultaneous with below)
Conceive me, if you can,
As much more than just a man
An eschatological-herpetological
Nietzschean Overman
HARRY (simultaneous with above)
Conceive him, if you can
As a Sauron also-ran
A pulp-fiction-villainy-hexin'-and-killin'-spree
"Bad guy" without a plan
VOLDEMORT and HARRY ostentatiously turn their backs on one another before exiting
To the tune of When I Went to the Bar (aka Said I to Myself, Said I), from Iolanthe.
THE SCENE: Divination Class. PROFESSOR TRELAWNEY reflects back to the onset of her teaching career
TRELAWNEY:
When I went to Hogwarts as a teacher brand new
To my Inner Eye, said I
I'll teach Divination without grand ado
To my Inner Eye, said I
I will not go in for cheap beads and incense
Or fill up my classroom with perfumes too dense
And breakable teacups I will not dispense
To my Inner Eye, said I
My lighting will never be gloomy or dim
To my Inner Eye, said I
I'll never scare students with thestrals or Grims
To my Inner Eye, said I
Clairvoyant theatrics I'll always avoid
For students are apt to become quite annoyed
If I keep predicting that they'll be destroyed
To my Inner Eye, said I
Professional friendships I'll strongly promote
To my Inner Eye, said I
I'll never act mystic or strange and remote
To my Inner Eye, said I
When dining with colleagues, you'll not see me preen
Or discomfit them by creating a scene
Should our table by some happenstance seat thirteen
To my Inner Eye, said I
With learning and knowledge our teachers are armed
To my Inner Eye, said I
In Potions, Defenses, and Runes and in Charms
To my Inner Eye, said I
Their goals and their methods are clear and precise
And the Prophetic Arts should accept their advice
For mere smoke and mirrors no longer suffice
To my Inner Eye, said I
To the tune of If You Go In (aka Faint Heart Never Won Fair Lady) from Iolanthe
THE SCENE: Slytherin Commons. The ANTI-TRIO make a recruiting pitch for their home dorm.
DRACO
If you go in
To Slytherin
You will succeed like Mussolini:
Simply recite
This old sound-bite,
"The ends justify the meanies"
DRACO, CRABBE & GOYLE:
Meanies, meanies meanies,
The ends justify the meanies!
Ev'rybody has their price
Finishes last does ev'ry guy nice
If they lack bread, let 'em eat cake
Give no sucker an even break!
CRABBE:
It's so cool
To be as cruel
As the famous barber Sweeney
Who once prayed
To his sharp blade:
"The ends justify the meanies!"
DRACO, CRABBE & GOYLE:
Meanies, meanies meanies,
The ends justify the meanies
Just look out for Number One --
Risk not your neck for anyone
Plausible be what you deny
Life is a bitch and then you die!
GOYLE:
In our dorm
It is the norm
To have a conscience rather teeny
Take this proverb
As your sworn word:
"The ends justify the meanies!"
ALL
Meanies, meanies meanies,
The ends justify the meanies
When you find an opportunity
Make sure you ask, "What's in it for me?"
Divide and conquer be your aim
To prove you know to play the game!
A filk by Indigo Ziona to the tune of If You Give Me Your Attention from Princess Ida .
If you give me your attention, I will tell you what I am:
A fixated Harry Potter fan - all other kinds are sham.
Each little fault off-canon, each canonical defect,
In those erring fanfic writers, I endeavour to correct.
To the sex-life of Professor Snape, I open people's eyes
And tales of Draco's soft side I will cunningly devise.
I put in my own characters - as good as you could choose-
Yet ev'rybody says that all I write are Mary-Sues!
And I can't think why!
All J.K. Rowling's books I've read much over twenty times;
I've written tons of songfics, all were set to LeAnn Rimes;
My stories are in NetSpeak so they're so easy to read,
But I never seem to get all the reviews for which I plead.
My plot twists are exciting though they may seem quite contrived;
HG/SS Timeturner fics I've practically revived;
I get a great big sugar high, write 'Hogwartz all go's madd!'
Yet ev'rybody says that all the fic I write is bad!
And I can't think why!
I'm sure I'm no obsessive; I'm as laid-back as can be;
Letters to J.K. I've written only thirty-three!
I spent just six weeks in mourning for the characters now dead;
I don't have to read the books, I talk to Harry in my head…
Listen when I say I am not of that crazy bunch;
Whenever I read fanfic, I sometimes stop for lunch;
My 'Gryffindors are sexy' scarf I made myself, for free
Yet ev'rybody says that Harry's taken over me
And I can't think why!
And she can't think why!
She can't think why!
To the tune of If You Want to Know Who We Are from The Mikado
THE SCENE: Azkaban. Enter CHORUS OF DEMENTORS
CHORUS
You don't want to know who we are
We're dementors of Azkaban
Looking like someone sprayed tar
O'er gowns of the Ku Klux Klan
Our presence may leave you drained
Our anatomy's unexplained
Popularity we've disdained. Oh!
Please stop wondering how we chat
And spy à la Secret Police
Or how our Moms and Dads begat
To make our populace increase
Are we living or just a virus?
What made Fudge want to hire us?
Does Voldemort inspire us? Yo!
You don't want to know who we are
You don't want to see Azkaban
We are nothing like NPR
We are more like Taliban
To the tune of A Wandering Minstrel I from The Mikado
THE SCENE: The Dragon enclosure of GoF, Chap.18. The HUNGARIAN HORNTAIL looks forward to her appearance in the First Task of the Triwizard Tournament. The other three dragons function as a back-up CHORUS (If three singers seems too small a number for a chorus, just remember that these are dragons we're talking about here, and they sing REALLY loud).
HUNGARIAN HORNTAIL:
A thundering monster I
A thing that shreds and scratches,
Whose breath can light up matches
And makes its victims fry
My hornéd tail is long,
My fires far are ranging
When in battle exchanging
A ton of sulfur strong,
A ton of sulfur strong.
Are you a Tournamental dude?
I'll fly at you,
Tomorrow!
On nests of concrete eggs I'll brood,
I'll sit and stew
Tomorrow, morrow.
Once you endure my burn
You quickly might discern
'Twas not on planet Pern
Where up I grew.
Bizarro, 'zarro!
For when idiotic sport events are offered
This vitriolic dragon may decide
To run o'er the country's boundaries just like Fafner
And indulge herself in Budapest-icide!
Their challengers, whether they're slow or hasty
Ever fail - for they are merely human rubes
But although they may be dumb, they are so tasty
They egg me on to waltz, to waltz the Blue Danube!
CHORUS
Although they may be dumb, they are so tasty
They egg her on to waltz, to waltz the Blue Danube!
HORNTAIL:
And when they call for the Task you will see
My neck that swivels round
With a roar or more, I will guard my eggs
I'll escape their traps and a-break their legs
And pound 'em into the ground!
CHORUS
A roar or more!
She'll pound 'em into the ground!
HORNTAIL:
To fire some flame at a Firebolt
This dragon does with panache
'Cause my hungriest hank'ring ain't for goat
But human flesh
Delicious and fresh
Is a banquet I will bolt, roar more!
It's a guaranteed goulash.
HORNTAIL & CHORUS
Then start the tourney - off we go
As we sizzle in this compound
With a roar for more
You can't tell us "whoa!"
We'll pound 'em into the ground!
HORNTAIL
A thundering monster I,
A thing that shreds and scratches
Whose breath can light up matches
And make its victims fry, victims fry…..
NOTE: "Fafner" is a singing Wagnerian dragon in the opera Siegfried (he was originally a giant, but that's another story). "Pern" refers the setting of Anne McCaffrey's novels, a world inhabited by a race of lovable, super-intellegent and gallant dragons (and their human riders).
A filk by Anne Urbanski to the tune of Behold The Lord High Executioner from The Mikado
The Scene: Madam Trelawney's tower. Dolores Umbridge arrives to inspect the fifth-year Gryffindor Divination class. Overture, Umbridge enters, Trelawney and students glare
UMBRIDGE:
I am the Hogwarts High Inquisitor
Here to ensure your class is really up to snuff.
I'll just sit down like I'm a visitor;
Oh, don't mind me, I'll watch and learn and write some stuff
HEM HEM, HEM HEM
I'm the Hogwarts High Inquisitor
HEM HEM, HEM HEM
Pledge allegiance to me, or the Ministry
Will boot you out on your kee-ee-ster
Tell me, Madam Trelawney,
How long have you taught at Hogwarts?
TRELAWNEY:
Sixteen years it soon will be.
(aside) Why must I be grilled by upstarts?
UMBRIDGE (smirking):
So, you have the Inner Eye?
Please, then, make me a prediction.
TRELAWNEY (affronted):
Seers See not, if they try,
And their trances are not fiction!
Why must you interrogate?
I don't understand your diction.
My technique you do berate
This inspection's an affliction.
HARRY & RON (fretting):
Must the cow interrogate?
Force her to make a prediction?
Oh dear, we fear Trelawney
Will receive a malediction....
UMBRIDGE:
HEM HEM, HEM HEM,
I'm the Hogwarts High Inquisitor
HEM HEM, HEM HEM
So in ten days' time you'll discern if I'm
Going to pass you or toss out your keester.
TRELAWNEY (angrily):
You'd dare, you'd dare, you'd dare, you'd dare?
UMBRIDGE (gleefully):
I would, I would, I would, I would!
GRYFFINDORS: (fearfully):
She would! She would! She would! She would!
No good! No good! No good!
UMBRIDGE (triumphantly):
HEM HEM,
I'm the Hogwarts High Inquis-
The High In-quis-i-tor!
Umbridge struts out like a toady peacock. Trelawney breaks down. Gryffindors huddle morosely.
A filk by Eric Oppen to the tune of Behold the Lord High Executioner from The Mikado
Hogwarts, the Great Hall. A flourish of trumpets. Enter DOLORES UMBRIDGE, preceded by Pansy Parkinson and Millicent Bulstrode, dancing backwards before her and strewing her path with rose petals, carried on a litter by the other members of THE INQUISITORIAL SQUAD
INQUISITORIAL SQUAD (IN FOUR-PART HARMONY):
All hail the Hogwarts High Inquisitor!
A bureaucrat of unlimited power!
She isn't just some random visitor,
Her influence increases every hour!
Defer! Defer!
To the Hogwarts High Inquisitor!
Bow low! Bow lo-o-w!
To the Hogwarts High,
To the Hogwarts High,
To the Hogwarts High Inquisitor!
UMBRIDGE:
I worked at the Ministry,
Helping out Cornelius Fudge,
That was just my cup of tea,
Got to be a Wizard Court judge.
Minister Fudge then asked me
To help him get rid of his grudge,
Here I am and soon you'll see
Potter's lies thrown into the sludge!
Classes you may take with me
Will prove to be quite a dull trudge,
But soon the naughty Three
Will find out that I will not budge!
INQUISITORIAL SQUAD (IN FOUR-PART HARMONY):
Defer! Defer!
To the Hogwarts High Inquisitor!
Bow low! Bow lo-o-w!
To the Hogwarts High, to the Hogwarts High,
To the Hogwarts High Inquisitor!
A filk by Falcona to the tune of As Someday It May Happen (aka I've Got a Little List) from The Mikado by Gilbert and Sullivan.
Fudge in the wake of OotP is providing his excuses for hindering rather than helping Dumbledore combat Voldemort
FUDGE:
When reasoning for my delay of Albus must be found,
I've got a little list--I've got a little list
Of rationalizations which to fool the press are bound,
So I'll now give you the gist--I'll now give you the gist!
First, the troubled teenage hero who hears voices in stone walls--
"He's friends with mad half-giants," Draco told me in a drawl,
"And he set a serpent on a student right back in his Second Year--
Not to mention how he sneaks around just for some Butterbeer."
Thus, Lord Thingy's only spotter's Dark, delusional and pissed--
He's the main one on my list--the main one on my list!
Then there's that greasy-haired Professor with a nose that's far too long,
Who needs a psychoanalyst--I've got him on my list!
Employing an ex-Death Eater--it really isn't done,
Snape should rather have been kiss'd--should rather have been kiss'd!
Please remember he was set to guard the Philosopher's Stone,
And made a puzzle solved by one elev'n year old alone,
One cannot help but wonder who he took his orders from--
If the director in this case was dear Albus or--er--Tom.
The evidence proves Snape to be a D.E. loyalist--
That's another on my list--another on my list!
And the Azkaban escapee who has been an ample threat;
And was at large in our midst--I've got him on the list!
Apparently a slayer, who could kill and not break sweat
And worse: a motorcyclist--a motorcyclist!
Then his cousin and his in-laws broke from prison with his aid,
Every Auror had to guard against the Death Eater brigade;
But Albus thought Black innocent - now what to make of that?
Had he finally gone senile, since he so trusted the Brat?
Though new reports the truth of Potter's story do assist
Black'll still go on my list--he'll still go on my list.
Then the werewolf and the mermen and the centaur-prophesier
And that house-elf anarchist--he's next upon my list!
Also goblins, trolls and dragons, for they cause a lot of fear
And should not, I think, exist--should not I think exist!
Those children who at Hogwarts work at Dumbledore's behest--
And since I've mentioned them I may as well add all the rest,
The students, staff and portraits, with their plans for coup d'etats
Plus the ghosts, the suits of armour and, of course, that Sorting Hat!
So every House and teacher that Dolores did resist
Will have room upon my list--will have room upon my list.
To the tune of I've Got a Little List, from The Mikado
THE SCENE: Gryffindor Common Area. Enter NEVILLE
NEVILLE
As ev'ry day it happens that the password I forget
I've made a little list, I've made a little list
An "Open Sesame" compendium to help reduce my sweat
And it's certain to assist - it's certain to assist
There's "balderdash" and "fairy lights," "pine fresh," and "scurvy cur"
There's "lemon drop", "banana fritters," and also "Wattlebird"
There are sayings from the Latin, such as Caput Draconis
That they think I can memorize (which quite mistaken is)
And phrases like "Oddsbodikins", which make my poor tongue twist
Can now be reminisced, can now be reminisced.
They're all upon my list, they're all upon my list.
And it's certain to assist - it's certain to assist
Segue to the same location, several hours later.
There's that noisy painted nuisance who is always in our face
For the password he insists - but I think I lost my list……
My grandma will send Howlers and I'll be in deep disgrace
I'll wish not to exist - if I can not find my list
For a fugitive now prowls our grounds on wicked escapades
To the bottoms of my bunny-slippered toes I feel afraid
Awakened now by screams from Ron, who cries that with a knife
The Prisoner from Azkaban tried cutting short his life.
The cause of this unpleasantness must boil down to this:
The fact I lost my list, at such cost I lost my list.
I've lost a little list, I've lost a little list,
Black found my password list, McGonagall is....mad.
A filk by Slytherin Sister to the tune of As Someday It May Happen (aka I've Got a Little List) from The Mikado.
NOTE: In a "Little List", the singer rants on about people he doesn't care about (which is why Snape's Little List isn't so little), without naming names. I have violated this rule, not often, only once.
SNAPE
As someday it may happen that a victim must be found,
I've got a little list, I've got a little list
Of Hogwarts people all of whom who might well be underground,
And who never would be missed, who never would be missed.
The dingbat in the tower with her horoscopes and leaves,
The ghosts of other houses and the poltergeist named Peeves,
The werewolf who's so poor that all his robes hang down in rags,
And who thinks it's fun to make a boggart look like me in drag,
And the twins by whom all figures of authority are dissed,
They'd none of 'em be missed, they'd none of 'em be missed.
After each stanza, a chorus of sycophantic Slytherins, relieved not to be mentioned in the song, serenade their fearless leader with their agreement, thus:
You can put them on the list, you can put them on the list,
And they'd none of 'em be missed, they'd none of 'em be missed!
The snippy head of Gryffindor who stole from me the Cup,
The vulture-like librarian who'd make a troll throw up,
The blonde from Beauxbatons who thinks she's every male's dream,
The Durmstrang Quidditch player from Bulgaria's pro team,
Yes, that smug and sour Seeker with the Snitch gripped in his fist,
I don't think they'd be missed; I'm sure they'd not be missed.
(chorus)
The foolish fop with phony grin and prissy, curly hair,
Who spends his royalties on buying multicolored wear,
The hulking lout whose giant dog almost bit off my limb,
The puny charms professor - well, we all look down on him.
All the kids who hide in bushes just to make out and be kissed,
They'd none of 'em be missed, they'd none of 'em be missed.
(chorus)
The portrait people who desert their frames to have a chat,
The squib who prowls the halls along with his disgusting cat,
Our precious young celebrity who transcends every rule,
Whose cloak allows him free rein after hours through the school,
And who managed in the tournament to be a finalist,
I don't think they'd be missed; I'm sure they'd not be missed.
(chorus)
Miss Know-It-All, with loads of books, whose hand is always raised,
And who shows off every chance she gets in order to be praised.
Those redhead kids with freckles - gad, we've surely had a lot!
I'm hoping that the daughter is the last of them, the snot.
Then the headmaster who makes me keep this job of alchemist,
They'd none of 'em be missed, they'd none of 'em be missed.
(chorus)
The teacher of herbology, with dumpy form and face,
The bossy infirmarian, who thinks she owns the place,
The bumblebee in Ministry whose gambling's an addiction,
The obnoxious dame reporter who writes nothing else but fiction,
The stupid Muggle who on writing junk like this insists,
I don't think they'd be missed; I'm sure they'd not be missed.
(chorus)
The moron who keeps losing his pet toad, or is it frog?
The murderous Marauder masquerading as a dog,
The Minister of Magic, who's the bravest man we've found,
As long as one or two of his dementors are around,
And the hist'ry teacher who drones on of goblin terrorists,
They'd none of 'em be missed, they'd none of 'em be missed.
(chorus)
The huge and snooty tête of Beauxbatons we'd ditch with glee,
As well as Durmstrang's head with his ridiculous goatee,
The paranoid auror who has that creepy eye of blue,
My ex-boss, whom those cowards all keep calling "You-Know-Who,"
And that ratty little wimp that he keeps with him to assist,
They'd none of 'em be missed, they'd none of 'em be missed!
SNAPE & CHORUS
I've/He's got 'em on my/his list, I've/he's got 'em on my/his list,
And they'll none of 'em be missed, they'll none of 'em be missed!
A filk by Dungrollin to the tune of I've Got a Little List from The Mikado
I've never written one of these things before, but thought of it on the train home from work (having injudiciously exhausted my reading matter). A couple of fudged rhymes, and some dodgy metre, but couldn't stop myself once it got into my head...
SNAPE:
Since frequently it happens that a victim must be found,
I've got a little list - I've got a little list,
And scorn-deserving students, staff and idiots abound,
I'm sure you get the gist - they're all upon the list.
The imbecilic cretins fill my classes year on year,
My contempt is not a front, it is whole-heartedly sincere,
Longbottom can't boil water without making it go "bang!"
He has the brains and subtlety of an orang-utan,
My loathing of them runs so deep, I really can't resist,
They're all upon the list - for they'll none of them be missed.
CHORUS:
He's got 'em on the list - he's got 'em on the list,
And they'll none of 'em be missed - they'll none of 'em be missed.
SNAPE:
There's Sirius and James, the dolt: so vain it nauseates
The flippant humorists - they were upon the list,
But Potter's swollen cranium much more infuriates,
He heads my little list - he never would be missed.
That damn trio's larks fill me with apoplectic rage,
Capricious squirts: Our world's at an apocalyptic stage,
That reckless bloody werewolf, lying calmly to my face,
How he got my job I'll never know, it's a disgrace!
I'm certain there are others... let me add them to the list,
They should all be on the list - I'm sure they'll not be missed.
CHORUS:
He's got 'em on the list - he's got 'em on the list,
And I don't think they'll be missed - I'm sure they'll not be
missed.
SNAPE:
Lockhart was a moron, I detested him with zeal,
The witless egoist - I've got him on the list,
I've taught all seven Weasleys (a disheartening ordeal),
They'll none of them be missed - they're all upon the list.
Granger is unbearable, she sets my teeth on edge,
I'd garrotte her if I could but I gave Dumbledore my pledge,
That graveyard-full of former friends, including You-Know-Who,
The task of filling in the blanks I'd rather leave to you...
Incompetents, who clearly cannot with wit coexist,
They're right there on the list - they're all upon the list.
CHORUS:
You may put 'em on the list - you may put 'em on the list,
For they'll none of 'em be missed - they'll none of 'em be missed.
To the tune of Three Little Maids from The Mikado
THE SCENE: The Great Hall. Enter DRACO MALFOY, VINCENT CRABBE and GREGORY GOYLE
ALL: Three little thugs from school are we
We'll break the caps of both your knees
Through magical delinquency
Three little thugs from school
CRABBE: We're forming tight little male bonds
GOYLE: Nobody's safe when we have our wands
MALFOY: I'm the most gorgeous 'cause I'm blonde
ALL: Cute little thugs from school
Three little thugs who quite contrary
Meaner than Curly, Moe and Larry
Make it their mission to harass Harry
Three little thugs from school
CRABBE: One little thug just slithered in
CRABBE & GOYLE: Two thugs ask where the third one's been
MALFOY: Executing a cardinal sin
ALL: Three little thugs from school
MALFOY: When three little thugs master Dark Arts
CRABBE: Gryffindor will not feel so smart
GOYLE: After we've torn them all apart
ALL: Three little thugs from school…….
Three little thugs by the name of Goyle
Vince Crabbe and Draco Malfoy'll
Do what they can to make Mudblood boil
Three little thugs from school
Three little thugs who rule!
Enter, from several directions, Fred, George, Ron, Hermione and Harry, who simultaneously hex them. After several minutes, exit MALFOY, CRABBE & GOYLE, very very very slowly to Pomfrey's
A filk by Eloise to the tune of Three Little Maids from The Mikado
Prof. Lockhart, you should know, has donned special Japanese robes for the occasion and keeps fluttering his eyelashes, in what he seems to think is a winning way, from behind his fan. The other two aren't at all impressed by this and keep throwing him evil glances.
THE THREE:
Three profs from Hogwarts School are we,
Experts in Dark Arts and sorcery,
None of us quite what he seems to be,
Three profs from Hogwarts School!
'MOODY':
I turned my father into a bone (Evil chuckle)
QUIRRELL:
I only want the Philosopher's Stone (Evil chuckle)
LOCKHART:
Look at my hair! Have you got a comb? (Flirtatious giggle behind fan)
THE THREE:
Three profs from Hogwarts School!
Teachers, whose pupils, all unwary,
Studying at Hogwarts Seminary,
Think that we're good; the truth's contrary -
Three profs from Hogwarts School!
Three profs from Hogwarts School!
LOCKHART:
One of us just doesn't have a clue!
QUIRRELL:
Two of us working for You-Know-Who!
'MOODY':
Three of us bent on deceiving you!
THE THREE:
Three profs from Hogwarts School!
Three profs from Hogwarts School!
QUIRRELL:
From three Hogwarts profs take one away.
LOCKHART:
Two Hogwarts profs remain, and they -
'MOODY':
Didn't survive very long, they say -
THE THREE:
Three profs from Hogwarts School!
Three profs from Hogwarts School!
THE THREE:
Teachers whose pupils, all unwary,
Studying at Hogwarts Seminary,
Think that we're good -the truth's contrary -
Three profs from Hogwarts School!
Three profs from Hogwarts School!
A filk by Catherine McK to Three Little Maids from The Mikado
Dedicated to trios of sisters everywhere; which Black girl are you? See, it really is best being the eldest.
Enter the young Bellatrix, Andromeda and Narcissa Black, all three wearing kimonos and twirling Japanese fans. Bellatrix has managed to make her outfit very close-fitting and slightly kinky if you like that kind of thing, Narcissa looks demure, and Andromeda pregnant.
THE THREE
Three little sisters Black are we,
Born of a pure-blood family,
Filled to the brim with wizardry,
We are the sisters Black!
BELLATRIX
Everything is a source of fun, (Crucio!)
NARCISSA
Nobody's safe once she's begun (nervous giggle)
ANDROMEDA
She uses Dark Arts we should shun! (throws up)
THE THREE
We are the sisters Black!
Three magic sisters, we are sure we
Are at the heart of this long story,
Bound to our fate be it good or gory -
We are the sisters Black!
We are the sisters Black!
NARCISSA
One sister dear has a bride's gown donned,
BELLATRIX
All for the lure of his magic wand!
ANDROMEDA
I still think it's weird that she's a blonde.
THE THREE
We are the sisters Black!
We are the sisters Black!
NARCISSA
From three sisters now take one away
BELLATRIX
She has our pure-blood house betrayed
ANDROMEDA
Only Imperius could make me stay!
THE THREE
We are the sisters Black!
We are the sisters Black!
Three magic sisters, we are sure we
Are at the heart of this long story,
Bound for a fate be it good or gory -
We are the sisters Black!
We are the sisters Black!
To the tune of I Am So Proud from The Mikado
THE SCENE: The Great Hall. McGONAGALL & ANGELINA JOHNSON react with anger when they learn that HARRY has earned himself a second week of detention with Delores Umbridge.
McGONAGALL
You both got loud
But I'm allowed
To quiet the scene
And intervene
For my advice
Did not suffice
To shut your trap
When Dolores talks crap.
I'll take away points
To make my point
You're out of joint
You disappoint
You disappoint
ANGELINA:
Our Quidditch team
Won't rank supreme
We will fall through
All thanks to you,
All thanks to you;
If you'd the wit
To simply sit
Through class, you'd cruise
We would not lose
Now this young witch
In woe is rich
We'll Seek no Snitch
Thanks to your glitch
HARRY:
I heard her say
That Quirrell's OK
The criminal who
Helped You-Know-Who
I did not fail
To mock her tale
And so detained, detained
With too much pain.
But I defy
Old Fudge's ally
I tell no lie
Is ever my cry
The three repeat their verses, all singing simultaneously (thus preventing the would-be eavesdroppers from Ravenclaw from listening in)
MCGONAGALL
Your plight
Tonight is that you must write
Just make this leap:
Your temper keep
Make not a peep
Against that creep
Rewards you'll reap
You'll get more sleep
ANGELINA:
Your plight
Tonight is that you must write
I'm sure you see
That your duty
Is be truly
For the GQT
That once flew free
With rare beauty
HARRY
My plight
Tonight, although I write,
Let her begin
To carve my skin
Despite her sin
To her chagrin
I'll not give in
She will never win!
MCGONAGALL (simultaneously with the other two singers)
You'll get more sleep, etc.
ANGELINA: (simultaneously with the other two singers)
With rare beauty, etc.
HARRY (simultaneously with the other two singers)
I'll not give in
She will never win, etc.
HARRY, McGONAGALL & ANGELINA
To do her dark detention is a drear dread drill
As I/you hear her hemful hacking like a sharp shriek shrill
I/You scribble every sentence with her cold cruel quill
That bids my/your blood be battered to this fiend fulfill!
To do her dark detention is a drear dread drill
And hear her hemful hacking like a sharp shriek shrill
I/You scribble every sentence with her cold cruel quill
That bids my/your blood be battered to this fiend fulfill!
A drear dread drill!
A sharp shriek shrill!
A cold cruel quill!
A fiend fulfill!
To do her dark detention
As I/you hear her hemful hacking
And to scribble every sentence
That bids my/your blood be battered to this fiend fulfill!
To the tune of From Every Kind of Man, from The Mikado
THE SCENE: The Great Hall. DUMBLEDORE tries to start the term off right, but meets some interference from the new Dark Arts Defense Professor
DUMBLEDORE:
Our Hat's complete its Sort
So let our feast now commence!
I'm the Headmaster of Hogwarts…
UMBRIDGE (interrupting):
….And I'll be teaching Dark Arts Defense!
This book by Wilbert
Will bore you inert
When I'm teaching Dark Arts Defense!
DUMBLEDORE:
To stroll in the Forbidden
Forest is a high offense…
UMBRIDGE (interrupting):
…And I'm not the least bit kiddin'
In my aims of teaching Dark Arts Defense
De - crees-
From me, teaching Dark Arts Defense
ALL:
De - crees-
When she's teaching Dark Arts Defense
DUMBLEDORE:
And Mister Filch has asked once more
(Four hundred sixty-secondth)
To not wave wands in corridors…
UMBRIDGE (interrupting):
…When I'm teaching Dark Arts Defense
My foes I'll condemn
With a soft little "HEM",
As I'm teaching Dark Arts Defense!
DUMBLEDORE:
And Quidditch tryouts occur
In merely three evenings hence….
UMBRIDGE (interrupting):
….If dutifully you defer
To the witch who's teaching Dark Arts Defense!
Quills grill
When I'm teaching Dark Arts Defense!
ALL:
Quills grill
When she's teaching Dark Arts Defense!
The Weasley's Anglia got caught as it flew
Whomping Willow, Oh Willow, Oh Willow
Trapped inside that car Ron and poor Harry too
Whomping Willow, Oh Willow, Oh Willow
Then the car started up & backed out of that tree
Thus finally setting the two students free
And all of their classmates sang out with glee
"You flew to the great Whomping Willow!"
This tree has a knot you can press if you dare
Whomping Willow, Oh Willow, Oh Willow
And plunge to the home of the werewolf down there
Whomping Willow, Oh Willow, Oh Willow
'Twas there that three friends nearly met with their doom
When before branches made twigs of what WAS Harry's broom
So when you're out walking through fog, night and gloom
Beware of the great Whomping Willow!
To the tune of
THE SCENE: The grounds of Hogwarts, before the WHOMPING WILLOW. HARRY, with NEVILLE as backup, describes his least-favorite member of the botanical kingdom
HARRY & (NEVILLE)
When I flew in with Ron on a flubberized Ford
Not since Charlie Brown battled his kite-eating tree
A filk by Eric to the tune of My Eyes Are Fully Open, from Gilbert and Sullivan's Ruddigore
HARRY:
HERMIONE:
RON:
TRIO:
HERMIONE:
HARRY:
RON:
TRIO:
RON:
HARRY:
HERMIONE:
TRIO:
Whoof! That was difficult...Gilbert had serious talent!
To the tune of When Our Gallant Norman Foes from The Yeoman of the Guard
THE SCENE: Gryffindor Common Room. HARRY & RON, struggling through Divination homework, decide to go to "Divination Standby". Crookshanks observes from the background
HARRY
Our clairvoyance is scrawny
RON
Sums and symbols can't succeed
RON & HARRY simultaneously take up their quills and begin writing
BOTH
"Venus will conjoin Saturn and Mars
HARRY (putting his quill down)
It's no time to get fancy
RON
Sibyll's certain to applaud
RON & HARRY take up their quills again to write
BOTH
"Saturn will conjoin Pluto and Mars
Crookshanks walks away in disgust
To the tune of I Have a Song to Sing, Oh! from The Yeoman of the Guard
THE SCENE: Gryffindor Common Area. Several residents gather to pay musical homage to (i.e., to gossip about) the various ships in their midst.
LEE JORDAN
ALL
LEE
ALL
PARVATI
ALL
PARVATI
ALL
SEAMUS FINNEGAN
ALL
SEAMUS
ALL
Heighdy! heighdy!
LAVENDER BROWN
ALL
LAVENDER
ALL
Heighdy! heighdy!
To the tune of Tell a Tale of Cock and Bull from Yeoman of the Guard
NOTE: Accent on the second syllable of i-DI-ot and re-SU-me
THE SCENE: The Trial of LUDO BAGMAN. To the dismay of CROUCH & MOODY, the jury is eager to acquit the famed Quidditch star.
CHORUS OF JURORS (to BAGMAN)
BAGMAN
CHORUS
BAGMAN
CHORUS: An idiot
BOTH An idiot/ You'll kid us not,
CHORUS (simultaneous with below)
BAGMAN (simultaneous with above)
As BAGMAN is mobbed by autograph-seeking fans, CROUCH and MOODY view the outcome with anger.
CROUCH
MOODY
CROUCH
CROUCH: Ministry job
BOTH
CROUCH & MOODY
CROUCH (eyeing the jury): What a bunch of gulls!
BOTH
To the tune of In Enterprise of Martial Kind, aka The Duke of Plaza-Toro, from The Gondoliers
THE SCENE: Slytherin Commons. Enter CHORUS OF SLYTHERINS, to serenade one of their own. BLAISE ZABINI does the snare drum solos.
PANSY
ALL
MONTAGUE
ALL
MILLICENT
ALL
To the tune of For Every One Who Feels Inclined (aka And All Shall Equal Be) from The Gondoliers
The various candidates for the role of co-titular Book Six protagonist (or antagonist, as the case may be) step forth to proselytize on their own behalf.
ALL
KRUM
LUPIN
DUDLEY
ALL THREE:
SEAMUS
COLIN
NEVILLE
ALL THREE:
GODRIC GRYFFINDOR
KARKAROFF
QUIRRELL
ALL THREE
HAGRID
BAGMAN
MASKED FIGURE
ALL THREE:
ALL
Search high, search low,
The werewolf howling at the moon-
To every one, etc.
Search high, search low,
Then hail, O Prince!
To the tune of Rising Early in the Morning from Gilbert and Sullivan's The Gondoliers
THE SCENE: Harry's debut as the Captain of the GQT
HARRY:
First, I make some formal notice
(Chorus)
Repeat Chorus
In the tryouts for the Chasers
(Chorus)
Repeat Chorus
To the tune of Here Is A Case Unprecedented from The Gondoliers
THE SCENE: The Daily Prophet finally acknowledges that there really is a threat to their very existence.
CHORUS OF DAILY PROPHET REPORTERS
WIZARDS
WITCHES
ALL
WIZARDS
WITCHES
When young Lupin came to this school they planted it
That willow (what willow?) that willow
And to protect his secret they enchanted it
Whomping Willow (this willow?) that willow
But once Remus had earned his NEWTS, there was no need
To continue to nurture that overgrown weed
Why must Hogwarts adhere to the tree-hugger's creed
Toward willow (whose willow?) that willow
Whomping Willow (which willow?) that willow
That tree tried to annihilate each boy on board
This willow (those willows?) that willow
When we flew against Hufflepuff in a big game
And a swarm of dementors unwelcoming came
Then my poor Nimbus two thousand toothpicks became
Thanks to willow (these willows?) that willow
Oh, willow (some willow?) that willow
Has 'twixt flora and fauna been such emnity
That willow (your willow?) that willow
Mister Black my godfather forever I'll thank
If he transforms into a hound shaggy and lank
And he trots to that tree to raise up a hind flank
On that willow (that willow!) that willow
My Eyes Are Finally Open (DH, Chap. 33)
My eyes are finally open to this awful situation
I must go tonight to Voldemort and face annihilation
If my friends learned what I'm planning they would say I've lost my senses
(At least Hermione, for poor old Ron severely dense is)
Now, I do not want to perish in an act of awful slaughter,
I would rather live my life beside the red-haired Weasley daughter,
But although I am as gone as any goose that's on a platter,
I will walk into the woods because it really doesn't matter!-
'Cause it really doesn't matter...-
'Cause it really doesn't matter...-
'Cause it really doesn't matter, cause it really doesn't matter,
Cause it really doesn't matter, matter, matter, matter, matter!-
Although they say I'm bookish and in fact I'm rather nerdy
And when I try to help my friends they say I'm rather wordy
I would say that going off into the woods is rather silly
And the thought of facing off with Riddle makes me feel all chilly
Since the war is not yet lost and all our friends are in the fight there
Why go off and just be killed to all the Death Eaters' delight there?
Of course your death would mean that all our hopes would truly shatter,
But I'll keep my big mouth shut for my opinion doesn't matter!
Her opinion doesn't matter-
Her opinion doesn't matter-
Her opinion doesn't matter, her opinion doesn't matter,
Her opinion doesn't matter, matter, matter, matter, matter!
Since we first met upon the train you've been just like my brother,
I would tell you all my secrets when I wouldn't tell another,
Although we've had our rifts you've always been the friend I'd die for,
And the friend that I would steal for, and the friend that I would lie for.
And I hope to stand there smiling as you wed my little sister
(At least if all the Dark Lord's evil curses have still missed her)
And although our hopes for winning have now frayed into a tatter,
I would like to stop you now but my opinion doesn't matter!
His opinion doesn't matter-
His opinion doesn't matter-
His opinion doesn't matter, his opinion doesn't matter,
His opinion doesn't matter, matter, matter, matter, matter!
The Skrewt May Scratch (GoF, Chap 14)
When the galling Trelawney
Doles out homework sans mercy
Through each page we must then spend the evening slogging
And it turns out much worse, see,
When decrees she gives to start Futures Unfogging
Insanity, indeed
But if we're to graduate
We must now invent some plausible predictions
We just cannot calculate
So we must devise for us ingenious fictions
"The skrewt may scratch and then it may burn
And we may need a funeral urn
A coughing fit and a losing fight
Will show to all our dismal plight
Inside a house with numerous stars
We are betrayed by an evil force
Than would kill us and make us hoarse"
Oh, our Inner Eye can't see
As its two pupils grow blind
For this topic is beyond our comprehension
We must not be left behind
For necessity's the mother of invention
Though our methods may be flawed
What our audience demands
Is narrative of gloomy desolation
If we prove we can't withstand
The impact of celestial mutations
"The skrewt may scratch and then it may burn
And we will need a funeral urn
A coughing fit and a losing bet
Will show to all our dismal threat
And woe to boys who have forehead scars!
They'll be deceived by a vile force
That will not show too much remorse...."
I Have A Ship To Sing, Oh!
I have a ship to sing, oh!
Sing us your ship, oh!
It is sung of a lass
Who's atop her class
Who's showed she's smart as a whip, oh!
It's the song of a Gryffindor, growing great
Whose frocks were frizzed and whose teeth were straight
Who sought forsooth but met no mate
As she sighed for the love of a laddie.
Heighdy! heighdy!
Misery me--lack-a-day-dee!
She drove off Drac and craved no Krum
As she sighed for the love of a laddie.
I have a ship to sing, oh!
Sing us your ship, oh!
It is sung on webrings
Where they filksongs sing
To tunes that are not quite hip, oh!
It's the song of a Parselmouth, perfect pluck,
Who dunks Dark Lords, and who, with some luck,
Was sorted into Gryffindor, Quidditch quick,
His head was scarred and his hair would stick
He Seeker sought but Ced she said
As he sighed for the love of a lady.
Heighdy! heighdy!
Misery me--lack-a-day-dee!
He drove off Dud and snapped at Snape
As he sighed for the love of a lady.
I have a ship to sing, oh!
Sing us your ship, oh!
It is sung to the air
Of a girl red-haired
And her brothers gave her lip, oh!
It's the song of an innocent, shy and sweet
Who let a dwarf with valentines greet
The bold youthful Parselmouth, perfect pluck,
Who dunks Dark Lords, and who, with some luck,
Shed the blood of the basilisk, born of hate
Whose eyes were death and whose fangs were great
He bit the book and set Tom straight
Once she wrote in the book of a Riddle
Misery mill --lack-a-diddle!
He bit the book and set Tom straight
Once she wrote in the book of a Riddle
I have a ship to sing, oh!
Sing us your ship, oh!
It is sung by a gnome
Who is heading back home
As through the fence he slips, oh!
It's a song of the youngest bro, clan renowned,
But the duds he donned were hand-me-downs
He's sent with the Gryffindor lass by the Hat
Where they bickered brash like cat and rat
And the Parselmouth was his perfect pal
For his mordant mirth multiplied morale
When the Ball began he at last gained chance
To ask the lass with frizzed frocks to dance
But lost his luck and stalled his stance
When he vied for that vamp of a Veela
Heighdy! heighdy!
Misery me--lack-a-dee-la!
She's voting Vic and courting Krum
'Cause he vied for that vamp of a Veela
Misery ming--lack-a-day-ding!
They're still just teens, so it can't be seen
All the trips that their ships will be taking!
Gullible (GoF, Chap. 30)
Even though you're bought to court
To stand trial
Keep your smile
I am quite the trusty sort
May I enter
Sans dementor?
It is thanks to you we win
Playing perky
You beat Turkey
It is plain that I have been
I'll kid you not
An idiot
BAGMAN: I'll kid you not
CHORUS: An idiot
BAGMAN: I'll kid you not
I'll kid you not/ An idiot
An idiot/ You'll kid us not
That dumb jock is gullible
Over his eyes they pulled wool
No penalty
Will insult he
That poor jock is gullible!
My dim fans are gullible
Over their eyes I've pulled wool
No penalty
Will insult me
Those poor fans are gullible!
I observe with great disgust
Their committal for acquittal
The harsh sentence I discussed
For Azkaban's in the trash can
His foolish fans cannot see
That this athlete
Also Death Eats
But what's sounding worse to me
His resume
He'll send our way
MOODY: He has a throb
CROUCH: Ministry job
MOODY: He has a throb
Ministry job/ He has a throb
He has a throb/ Ministry job,
Ministry job/ He has a throb!
Will networks Old-Boy-able
Make this guy employable?
If through intrigue
He turns colleague
That will not be enjoyable
MOODY (eyeing BAGMAN): What a bunch of bull!
CROUCH: What a bunch of gulls!
MOODY: What a bunch of bull!
What a trial of gulls and bull
Gulls and bull, gulls and bull
Him, our colleague!?
What a trial of gulls and bull!
The Son of Lucius Malfoy
He's brilliant, handsome, brave and bold
Or so they say in fanfic
But when the Canon's roar takes hold
He's one who always ran quick.
"A duel, oh Harry, let's begin!"
But showed up not at all, oy!
That lily-livered
Timber-shivered
Undelivered
Slytherin
The son of Lucius Malfoy!
He is our fellow sneak, ha, ha!
With quite the yellow streak, ha, ha!
That lily-livered
Timber-shivered
Undelivered
Slytherin
The son of Lucius Malfoy!
When 'mentors glided through our grounds
And gave Potter great anguish
Our hero did a plan propound
That he would not let languish
But when disguised in dusky sheets
He quite lost his morale, oy!
That masquerading
Unpersuading
Truth-evading
Faux elite
The son of Lucius Malfoy
When faced with Patron's blast, ha, ha!
He fell to earth quite fast, ha, ha!
That masquerading
Unpersuading
Truth-evading
Faux elite
The son of Lucius Malfoy
When Lucius was to sent to the poke
For Voldemort a-helping
His son did Gryffindor provoke
With Crabbe and Goyle a-yelping.
In contrast to Harry's D.A.,
He proved the weaker alloy
That red-and-swelling
Badly smelling
Cellar-dwelling
Popinjay
The son of Lucius Malfoy
His fans adore his mug, ha, ha!
Though oozing like a slug, ha, ha!
That red-and-swelling
Badly smelling
Cellar-dwelling
Popinjay
The son of Lucius Malfoy
That red-and-swelling
Badly smelling
Cellar-dwelling
Popinjay
The son of Lucius Malfoy!
A Possibility
To every one before or since
Jo Rowling has been giving hints
That one of our group might be the Prince.
A possibility.
The Quidditch star with soaring broom-
The werewolf howling at the moon-
The cousin who was born in June-
We're possibilities.
The Gryffindor with Muggle dad
The Gryffindor with Kodak clad
The Gryffindor whose folks went mad
We're possibilities.
The one who Hogwarts School founded
The one who from the Dark Lord fled
The one who they all thought was dead
We're possibilities!
The giant with the monster pet-
The gambler who loves to bet--
Or somebody who you never met
All possibilities!
To every one before or since
Jo Rowling has been giving hints
That one of our group might be the Prince
A possibility.
For each tableaux's
A possibility!
The cousin who was born in June-
The Gryffindor with Muggle dad
The Gryffindor whose folks went mad
The one who Hogwarts School founded
The one who they all thought was dead
The giant with the monster pet-
Or somebody who we never met
For each tableaux's
A possibility!
Whichever one you are
Jo says you ain't
One who gives or gets scars
Then hail, O Prince!
It Appears I Have Been Tapped, Then (HBP, Chap. 11)
It appears I have been tapped, then,
Once Ms. Johnson did retire
As the brand-new Quidditch Captain,
To exhort and to inspire.
And 'tis the Captain's path
Lets me in the Prefects' bath….
I have written to promote us
That announces when our tryouts should occur.
Then, I hear a plea from Katie
Which is solemn, strong and weighty,
"By default do not let last year's team recur.”
Next I move so to reserve the Quidditch pitch
So we have a place to practice with the Snitch,
For it is my duty to evaluate
Ev'ry Gryffindoran Quidditch candidate.
Then I chase away a loopy
Squad of Hufflepuff girl groupies
Well as giggling Ravenclaw gals who arrive here by the ton.
(Here's the scoop I got from Hermy,
As she hastens to assure me
That the fangirls have come flocking to gawk at the Chosen One).
Then the trials start in earnest,
My expression at its sternest,
Till I motion to dismiss them and remove them from my sight.
All the fangirls stay to titter
As the broomsticks crash and flitter
Bringing down the feeble Firsties who can barely stay in flight.
Oh, Angelina may complain
Mr. Wood display some strain
But the leadership of Quidditch is a positive delight
But it's slightly aggravating
When I'm forced to start berating
And dismiss the feeble Firsties who can barely stay in flight
Ginny lets no one displace her,
Katie Bell and Ms. Demelza do the same
Then I designate the Beaters,
Jimmy Peakes flies like a meteor,
And though Coote looks weedy, he has skilful aim.
Then the candidates for Keeper I inspect
And my old pal Ron is quite the nervous wreck
The crowd I thought by now would have dispersed
But its mockery and size grow worse and worse
Ron is up against a sore hack
Going by the name of Cormac
He's a boasting braggadocio with a shoulder for his chip
But his try is not so great, he
Scores a percentage of eighty
And he shows himself quite lacking both in sportmanship and zip.
Ron's triumphant in his tryout
Let Cormac in his rage fly out,
For he does not dare to cross me or my line drawn in the sand.
Though with joy Ron's face is flushing
I observe that Hermy's blushing
Over using a Confundus Charm to lend a helping hand.
Oh, Angelina might have moaned
Ollie would have often groaned
But the leadership of Quidditch puts me firmly in command
But I cannot understand it
When Hermione's underhanded
In employing a Confundus Charm to lend a helping hand.
Lord Thingy Has Been Resurrected (OOP, Chap. 38)
Lord Thingy has been resurrected!
And once again we go to war
Dumble and Harry we once rejected
They're heroes now whom we adore.
Our Ministers have this threat neglected
Which strikes at us demonically
When a dementor is detected
Read how to handle it on page three!
O citizens all,
Divided we fall
Tighten we must security!
When shall a commission be selected
To accuse ev'ry authority?
O citizens all,
Answer our call
Join in the fight 'gainst You-Know-Who
Our interview with brave Harry is found upon
Page two
Our interview with brave Harry when he fought You-
Know-Who!
Miscellany