SORTING HAT SONGS
Image © 2004 Red Scharlach
Image © 2004 Red Scharlach
* = post-OOP
See also Constance Vigilance's full-length musical Cap Awry, featuring the Sorting Hat as the Master of Ceremonies
Severus' Sorting Songs Copyright 1982, 1999 and 2002 by Severus Snape and Textual Sphinx; There is a Sorting Copyright 2003 by Caius Marcius; I Am The Very Model Of A Proper Hogwarts Sorting Hat Copyright 2003 by Salazar; First Day Back and Only a Sorting Song Copyright 2003, 2004 by Constance Vigilance; Sort This Way Copyright 2004 by Red Scharlach; Tom's Sorting Copyright 2004 by Riibu
Incidentally, the Sorting Hat is male. He's a divider and selector with a lot of conservative power. His demise at the end of Book Seven, for the sake of conflict resolution in the Wizarding World, is hereby prophesied.
The Sorting Hat began to write songs again once English as we can more or less recognise it started to gain ascendency in Britain. He was inspired by the Pearl Poet (of Sir Gawain and the Green Knight, Patience, and Pearl) to pen two or three fine Alliterative versions in the 14th century, and Chaucer was the model for an excellent song in the early 15th. His most sustained production was during the time of Marlowe and Shakespeare, during which he produced no less than nine songs in blank verse. He rather lost his energy during the eighteenth and nineteenth centuries for want of inspirational models (the Keatsian song was banned for being too riské) and left the versifying almost entirely to Hogwarts' staff, until a group of them complained that song-writing wasn't in their job description whilst it WAS one of the Hat's raisons d'être. It was only after a disastrous attempt at Concrete Poetry, which left the teachers as well as the students of 1962 completely baffled, that the Hat was officially relieved of Song duty for good.
The staff at Hogwarts now take it in turns. Professor Flitwick did the delightful ditty in Harry's first year. McGonagall admits responsibility for the rather earnest effort of Year Four. The Hat's favourite remains the one Professor Snape wrote in his first year of teaching (September 1982, when the War with Voldemort was still in people's minds) - a sinister little number to the tune of Mack the Knife that had half the firsties sneaking back to the boats, and the other half (mostly Slytherins and Ravenclaws, with whom it was a cult hit) tormenting them with their Lotte Lenya/Louis Armstrong impersonations:
I'm the Hat that
Reads your mind, dears,
And there's nothing
You can hide;
I will put you
In a place that
Seven years you
Must abide.
I am skilled in
The detection
Of that crucial
Inner trait
Which determines
My selection,
Making Charact -
er your Fate
See the Gryffind-
dor whose roaring
Opens wide that
Fearsome face;
But the Slyther-
in keeps venom
In a much less
Obvious place.
And the Huffle-
puff so tender,
Never preda-
tor but prey;
Whilst the Raven-
claw soars highest,
Asking 'Why?' far
From the fray.
And as Peacetime
Follows Wartime,
All our conflicts
Are dismissed;
But in learning,
And in yearning,
House distinctions
Will persist.
So the Lions
Cram for Glory,
Whilst the Eagles
Learn for joy.
For the Badgers,
Study's duty,
For the Serpents,
It's a ploy.
Know that Gryffin-
dors in love are
Not a force to
Be ignored;
That the Raven-
claws are guarded,
Consequently,
They're adored.
And the Huffle-
puffs' affections
Are most steady
And serene;
But in Slyther-
ins Obsession
And Indifference
Find no mean.
If Determin-
ism galls you,
Understand this
Is your choice.
I am spelled to
Sort you truly,
So you might as
Well rejoice.
Yes whichever
House you go to,
You were meant to,
So Rejoice.
_________________________________________________
The Headmaster henceforth preceded his Sorting Song requests to Severus with the words, "Something nice and cheerful. The new students get so very nervous.." The Hat doesn't agree. He loves doing Lotte Lenya impressions. And he can. She had a very deep voice.
Anyway, in the year of A Decoding of the Heart (1999), it is once more Severus' turn, and he has done something Cheerful with a vengeance - indeed malice. He HATES the tune of Modern Major General from The Pirates of Penzance, and this is as near as he's ever got to saying 'up yours' to Dumbledore (who is very fond of Gilbert and Sullivan, of course, and thinks Severus is an intellectual snob to dismiss them).
"I AM the very MOdel of a MOdern major GEN-er-al" is what's known as a 'patter' song: it is sung rather fast. (The Hat took the precaution of having the tear in its rim reinforced with a zip. It glinted a tad malevolently in the candlelight, affording him a mildly trendy air of Punk.) People were so impressed with the hard work the Hat obviously put in to singing it right that they asked for an encore. Plus they didn't follow a word the first time round.
When Hogwarts' founders Snuffed It at the start of the millennium,
Their rivalries and foibles didn't cross the Lethe's banks with them;
For Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw and Slytherin and Gryffindor
Bequeathed me the authority to pick the House you're suited for.
Let other schools set entry tests and quiz your personality,
A SORTING HAT gets access to your innermost reality.
Your aptitudes and certitudes and psychoanalytical
Complexities will point you to the path which proves so critical.
Now Gryffindors are fêted for persistent feats of bravery,
And Righting every Wrong from Third-World Debt to House-elf Slavery.
They'll throw you in the thick of fine adventures that should not be missed -
If you can stick their heartiness and aren't too individualist.
The Hufflepuffs are loyal, fair, hardworking and meticulous,
Which makes up for the fact that Helga's surname was ridiculous.
You never take short cuts or cheat, for laziness is criminal,
An excellent philosophy when praise you win is minimal.
The wise Rowena Ravenclaw creamed off the intellectual,
The scholarly, the witty and profoundly ineffectual,
Whose Credo Cogitamus ergo sumus makes the best hot air;
But if you didn't get all that, Don't Panic - I won't put you there.
The virtues of the Serpent's house are swathed in deepest mystery,
But only slaves to simpleness would shun its chequered history,
With drive that sends you far in life, with shrewd and ruthless brilliance-
A Slytherin, for good or ill, will make the greatest diff-er-ence.
But now my tender audience I'm sure that you have heard enough
Of Slytherin and Ravenclaw and Gryffindor and Hufflepuff,
My job's to get you Sorted and I'll brook no bribes, or threats or tears;
Just put me on and trust me - I've been doing this a thousand years.
_________________________________________________
'Determinism' is the word given to the philosophy that states that all things are basically predestined and we can't change them. (Not to be confused with 'determination' - which is the will we use to fight Determinism, you could say. Someone at ff.net got confused over this, so I thought I should explain...)
The Latin in the Ravenclaw verse means "We think therefore we are". Plural version of Cogito ego sum.
The nods towards Muggle culture and concerns was thoroughly approved of by the Headmaster - and Hermione. They were delighted to hear pureblood firsties asking each other what the Third World was and muggle-borns wanting to see the House-elves. They regarded the Millenium Sorting Song as nicely representative of Post-Voldemort Political Correctness.
The Sorting Hat song of 1999 may not have achieved quite the popularity of Professor Lee Jordon's Rap version of 2006 (anyone care to write it?) but it did make it to the footnotes of Hogwarts, A History as 'One of the only Songs in which the description of the Houses is not wholly positive.'
A few of the teachers were a bit miffed that Slytherin got the best press. Especially when all the most interesting-looking students (cunning enough to foreground their greatest ambitions when under the Hat) were Sorted to Slytherin. Professor Snape said he was only making up for having the scum dumped in his House every year - a view hotly denied by Professor Sprout, who claimed that SHE got all the hopeless ones.
To the tune of There is a Sucker Born Ev'ry Minute from Barnum (a 1980 musical by Cy Coleman & Michael Stewart, first sang by Jim Dale)
NOTE: If Textual Sphinx is correct that the sorting songs are actually written by the Hogwarts faculty, this brash and blustery number may be the work of Gilderoy Lockhart, the closest thing the Potterverse has to a P.T. Barnum….
THE SCENE: The Great Hall, during the annual sorting ceremony.
THE SORTING HAT: (Spoken) Hat is the name, the Hogwarts Sorting Hat. And whether you think my singing is splendid or accursed, you're still going to listen. Why? Because every time I plop down upon a Firstie noggin, a delightful phenomenon takes place that absolutely guarantees it……
(music)
There is a Sorting done when I'm on it
Each time that I am placed upon a skull
A process quite remarkable
Occurs right here as I decide
Which of four ways you're classified at Hogwarts
This clever bonnet
Is now all set to let you meet your future peers
'Cause at the Start-of-Term, the Sorting Hat is on it
As I recite for you this sonnet true, my dears…..
The HAT slides the entire length of the Ravenclaw table, then springs over to Slytherin
Of our four Founders, I'll tell the tale
About a thousand or so years it seems
Ago they had this lofty dream
To educate young acolytes
In all the wisdom and the rites of magic
Nor did they fail
For their pupils they quadruple dorms decreed
Since then at Start-of-Term, the Sorting Hat is on it
For due to an odd trick of ol' Godric, that's me!
This year, instead of waiting on the stool as the students come to him, the HAT flies around the room, landing on random assorted first-year craniums
If I discern that you're an Al Einstein
Who revels in the life of mind
Then I'm inclined to call for Ravenclaw
If of courage you've a whiff in store
You'd better go to Gryffindor
The house that is a huge filk-maven draw
If you're a kid who's prone to juxtapose
The grindstone and your own known nose
Then head for Hufflepuff (beside the salad bar)
And if your bent's Medici-an
With just a trace of Nietzschean
Then, you, young friend, I'll plunk straight down with Salazar
For you're at Hogwarts, hey, all right
And here's our headline show tonight…..
…..A Sorting done when I'm on it
Each time that I stroke a frontal lobe
An inmost self I then behold
And it's my job to organize
The dark, the brave, the meek, the wise in houses
This witty bonnet
Is now all set to let you meet your future crew
'Cause at the Start-of-Term the Sortin' Hat is on it
The HAT spies the smallest most timid of the First-Years
And friend, I now report the next I'll sort is....
The HAT laughs exuberantly
......you!
The HAT lands on the head of the terrified Firstie. Black-out
A filk by Salazar to the tune of Gilbert and Sullivan's Major General Song from The Pirates of Penzance.
HAT:
I am the very model of a proper Hogwarts Sorting Hat
Just put me on your head and I will find the right house just like that!
If you want some description of the options that I offer here
Just listen to me well and I assure you that you need no fear
The Gryffindors are nothing if they're not a quite enduring lot
When trouble rears its ugly head do they all hide? Well, surely not!
And they don't like it all that much if you are not an honest type
And around all their chivalry they place a rather unjust hype.
GRYFFINDORS
And around all our chivalry we place a rather deserved hype!
And around all our chivalry we place a rather deserved hype!
And around all our chivalry we place a rather deserved hype!
HAT
Yet, if you want adventure and a life of living on the edge
And you think that all cowardice is nothing but a sacrilege
In short, if you would gladly fight a dragon with a cricket bat
Then Gryffindor's what you will find within the Hogwarts Sorting Hat!
GRYFFINDORS
In short, if you would gladly fight a dragon with a cricket bat
Then Gryffindor's what you will find within the Hogwarts Sorting Hat!
HAT
The Hufflepuffs are diligent, though slightly immaterial
And they're about as similar as grains of breakfast cereal
Although you may be mocked because you're not the most distinguished kid
Without you all subordinates and workers would be gotten rid.
You must attempt to always work, regardless of banality
Considering that laziness carries much criminality
Loyalty's the biggest point, they all are classic altruists.
A Hufflepuff, above all else, is completely collectivist!
HUFFLEPUFFS (proudly)
A Hufflepuff, above all else, is completely collectivist!
A Hufflepuff, above all else, is completely collectivist!
A Hufflepuff, above all else, is completely collectivist!
HAT
Yet if you find that loyalty and study are the best of all
And think that others slacking is a troubled case of excess gall
In short, if you're not distinguished by being short or thin or fat,
Then Hufflepuff is waiting right within the Hogwarts Sorting Hat.
HUFFLEPUFFS
In short, if you're not distinguished by being short or thin or fat,
Then Hufflepuff is waiting right within the Hogwarts Sorting Hat.
HAT
The Ravenclaws are well versed in all things which have a scholar's touch
They like to read philosophy and complex science very much.
Their work is always excellent, they have a proper intellect
Their tests are always perfect, which is what your teachers will expect.
If you cannot believe that some people think class is glorious
And think that all the textbooks are just clumsy and laborious
Then Ravenclaw is not the house you'll want to enter into here
Yet, if you are the top of class, just put me on and have no fear!
RAVENCLAWS
Yet, if you are the top of class, just put him on and have no fear!
Yet, if you are the top of class, just put him on and have no fear!
Yet, if you are the top of class, just put him on and have no fear!
HAT
If you believe quite firmly in the truth of Einstein's eminence
And put no other things before your pursuit of intelligence
In short, if your life revolves around all of the exams you've sat
Then Ravenclaw is waiting right within the Hogwarts Sorting Hat!
RAVENCLAWS
In short, if your life revolves around all of the exams you've sat
Then Ravenclaw is waiting right within the Hogwarts Sorting Hat!
HAT
And finally, the Slytherins, who are a group of demagogues.
You'll don't belong in Slytherin if you're one bit ideologue.
They care not for morality or anything which keeps them back
To win they'll lie and cheat and stretch their enemies upon the rack!
Yet, if you all find that thoughts of right and wrong are so damn silly
And take all of your cues from Niccolo Machiavelli
Why, you will find a welcome place within the serpentine house, then
But when you're out of Hogwarts you will never trust a soul again!
SLYTHERINS (smiling maliciously)
But when you're out of Hogwarts you will never trust a soul again!
But when you're out of Hogwarts you will never trust a soul again!
But when you're out of Hogwarts you will never trust a soul again!
HAT
Although, if you think dog-eat-dog's the way of all the world today
And care not who you hurt just as long as you can just get your way..
In short, if you aspire to become a ruthless plutocrat
Then Slytherin is waiting right within the Hogwarts Sorting Hat!
SLYTHERINS
In short, if you aspire to become a ruthless Plutocrat
Then Slytherin is waiting right within the Hogwarts Sorting Hat!
A filk by Constance Vigilance from the Beatles' Yellow Submarine album, to the tune of Only a Northern Song.
THE SCENE: After sitting on a shelf in Dumbledore's office all year, it's the Sorting Hat's annual moment in the sun. The Hat knows that It, its song and the Sorting Ceremony, is all that is keeping 1,000 hungry teenagers from their Welcoming Feast.
If you're listening to this song
You may think it's lasting way too long.
But it's fate;
The Feast will just have to wait.
It doesn't really matter if I cast a spell
Wait for it, I'm going to tell! What the Hell!
This is my Sorting Song
It doesn't really matter what the Founders said
Because the Four have long been dead! And gone.
And it's Only a Sorting Song.
Once a year I strut my stuff
Shout out "Gryffindor!" or "Hufflepuff!"
Just like that - And my word is enough.
It doesn't really matter what house I choose
Because win or lose, you can always refuse.
As it's Only a Sorting Song.
It doesn't really matter if your Feast is late.
Sit and wait. Contemplate an empty plate.
Make a date, for a Sorting Song.
Some make speeches short and sweet:
"Nitwit, blubber, oddment, tweak."
That's OK, but where's the mystique?
From year to year I get to sing a song for you
And when I'm through, you get to chew.
And now, everyone, please do!
The tables fill with food and stomach grumbling sounds are replaced with delighted sounds of eating
A filk by Red Scharlach to the tune of Walk This Way by Aerosmith and Run DMC
SORTING HAT:
Now when it comes to sortin', I put a lotta thought in
Cause I'm more than just a thinking cap
When your head needs stuffin', I'm a magical McGuffin
And I'm pretty fly at rhyme and rap
If you're a true-born leader or a real bottom-feeder
I can tell where your future is
So listen to my story, I can line you up for glory
If you wanna be a witch or wiz - like thiz!
I started hangin' down in Hogwarts School
In the days of the Founders Four
When they founded this college to pass on all their knowledge
In a way no one had before
But they all had a stance on who should get a chance
To be tutored, and it caused an affray
So to make the best division, they all came to a decision
And they taught me how to sort this way
CHORUS:
(They taught me to)
Sort this way, sort this way
Sort this way, sort this way
(They taught me to)
Sort this way, sort this way
Sort this way, sort this way
So I do it like this
Now there was sweet Rowena, well man you shoulda seen her
They called her Missy Ravenclaw
You can bet your sweet patootie that the chick could shake her booty
And her homies all had brains galore
And there was Slytherin Sal, a magician with ambition
That was deeper than a great abyss
He had to be surest that his posse were the purest
And he said it with a little hiss - like this!
Now my man Godric was the Gryffindor lion
Well, that dude sure be kickin' yo' butt
Just the bravest and the boldest were the reddest and the goldest
And were good enough to make the cut
But there was one cool dame liked them all the same
Helga Hufflepuff was ready to say
That as long as they were loyal and not afraid of toil
Then she'd take 'em when I sort this way
CHORUS:
(They taught me to)
Sort this way, sort this way
Sort this way, sort this way
(They taught me to)
Sort this way, sort this way
Sort this way, sort this way
So I do it like this
A filk by Riibu to the tune of Space Oddity by David Bowie
SORTING HAT:
The Sorting Hat to Riddle, Tom
The Sorting Hat to Riddle, Tom
Sit down on a stool and put me tightly on.
The Sorting Hat to Riddle, Tom
Slytherin blood in Muggle's son
Such ambition I have not seen for a while
This is Sorting Hat to Riddle, Tom
You really made it here
And the world you used to know exists no more
Now it's time to find your House amongst the four
This is Riddle, Tom to Sorting Hat
I've sat here quite a while
Don't you dare to put me where I don't belong
I've got talent, you know, so don't sort me wrong
For here
My destiny's awaiting
In Wizarding world
Slytherin is green
And the snake in me is keen
Now it's Nineteen-Hundred Forty-Five
I'm feeling very still
And I think my instinct knows which way to go
Soon I'll learn everything there is to know
The Sorting Hat to Riddle, Tom
Can't read your mind, there's something wrong
A Sorting Song by Constance Vigilance (not set to any particular song)
Looking especially grumpy from his spot on the stool, THE SORTING HAT surveys his audience. Then a rip near the brim opens and he begins to sing......
SORTING HAT:
First day back at Hogwarts School
And here I sit upon this stool.
First Years in a line - the schmucks -
From where I sit, the whole thing sucks.
Old Godric and the other three
They put intelligence in me.
As Oracle of Hogwarts lore
Each new event I've seen before.
A thousand years of knowledge here
Need expertise? I volunteer!
Behind each headmaster I've sat
Dispensing sound advice thereat.
But do my words get past an ear?
No! I am heard but once a year.
For counsel wise, they need but ask
Instead I get this piddling task.
So I'm the beanie that will go
Eenie meenie miney moe
Slyth or Griff or Rave or Huff
Come on, guys, it ain't that tough.
To save our world, I stand prepared.
A hundred times at death I've stared.
My golden sword beside me stands
But what's the point. I've got no hands.
Here I sit in gross neglect
This Dangerfield gets no respect.
I've rips and tears and lots of dirt.
Wash me please? What could it hurt?
No daring deed, no laurelled grace
No maiden's tear upon my face.
Just sorting First Years here instead.
So hurry up. I need some head.