Sibyll Trelawney
Edvard Munch's Trelawney's Scream.
Based on The Scream
Image © 2004 Red Scharlach
Edvard Munch's Trelawney's Scream.
Based on The Scream
Image © 2004 Red Scharlach
* = post-OOP
Copyright 2001-2002, 2004 by Caius Marcius, except The Ballad of Professor Trelawney Copyright 2001 by Angela Boyko; Sketchy Omens Copyright 2002 by Kit; Full Moon Risin' Copyright 2002 by snazzybird; She Reads the Crystal Ball Copyright 2003 by Haggridd; The Prophecies Copyright 2004 by Kelly; The Inner Eye II Copyright 2004 by Gail
To the tune of CCR's Bad Moon Rising
THE SCENE: Divination Class. Enter PROFESSOR TRELAWNEY
TRELAWNEY
I see a bad orb aclouding
I see in tea leaves TNT
I see catastrophes acrowding
I see Binky's history
The Ball's around tonight
For we who have the Sight
The future is full of awful fright.
I see through a bad orb darkly
I see a bad Harry day
I see his fate unveiled starkly
I see Potter returned to clay
Harry has the Grim
In hot pursuit of him
His prospects are lookin' mighty dim
Look at the stars and their dynamics
Saturn is making me nonplussed
Hope Neville won't break my ceramics
Hope Ron won't pun on Uranus
Please don't seat thirteen
Well, the first one off the scene
Might meet with some vile force unseen
Minerva says it's tripe
But we all know her type
She better learn to shut her pipe
A filk by snazzybird to the tune of Bad Moon Rising by Creedence Clearwater Revival
SCENE: SIBYLL TRELAWNEY's classroom, empty except for the Professor herself, who has just finished a cup of tea. As she examines the tea leaves, suddenly her eyes glaze over and she sits bolt upright in her chair. Music begins to play, a distinctive jangling country-rock guitar backed up by a solid beat, and the Professor begins to sing:
I see a full moon risin',
I see trouble on the way,
I see a werewolf that's frightenin',
I see a bad time today.
Don't leave the shack tonight!
Beware the werewolf's bite!
There's a full moon on the rise.
I fear dementors congregating,
I fear they'll capture Sirius soon.
I fear Wormtail escaping --
He'll be the instrument of ruin.
Don't chain Pete to Lupin!
You'd better be regroupin' --
There's a full moon on the rise.
Hope you can conjure a Patronus,
Hope you can fly the hippogriff,
Looks like two lives will be the bonus,
Snape's going to have a screaming fit!
Turn back time tonight,
You're going to save two lives,
There's a full moon on the rise.
Don't be afraid tonight,
You're bound to make things right,
There's a full moon on the rise.
With a ringing guitar chord the music ends. TRELAWNEY's eyes open wide, she looks around as if to ask "Did something just happen?" Then she settles back in her chair and resumes her examination of the tea leaves, which look a little… different… then they did a few minutes ago.
A filk by Angela Boyko to the tune of I Can't Help Falling in Love With You by Elvis Presley
THE SCENE: Sybil Trelawney strums a guitar, surrounded by a heavily scented gauzy mist. She gazes dreamily into the mists and begins to croon
Most students say
There is no Eye
But future days, I can clearly See
Hermione says
This is all a crock
Poor, "blind" girl, she can't really See
People come and go
The universe unfolds
I can See it all
Everything, the future holds
That poor lad
With the lightning scar,
I can See, his future tragedy
He will die
In pain, for sure
His awful death, I can clearly See
Professor Trelawney suddenly goes rigid. Her mouth forms into a sexy sneer, and she speaks in a masculine, Southern drawl, "Thankya, thankya very much"
A filk by Kit to the tune of Witchy Woman by The Eagles
THE SCENE: The Hogwarts skeptics show their disdain for Professor Trelawney
All common logic she strips
Goes on frequent ego trips
Foretells doom and coming plight
She's been blessed with special, self-contained eyesight
She gives sketchy omens
Intends to horrify
She gives sketchy omens
There is no real Inner Eye
She does it only to excite
No matter if she's close to right
Perhaps she's gone crazy from the fumes
Or is her tea making her see multiple Neptunes?
She gives sketchy omens
With some dramatic sighs
She gives sketchy omens
There is no real Inner Eye
Through mist that threatens to smother
We stare at each other
Has this chick taken a blow to the head?
And when we're to our next class bound
Will Ron have been drowned?
I've a feeling by the end of term we'll all be dead
She gives sketchy omens
Falseness she exemplifies
She gives sketchy omens
There is no real Inner Eye
To the tune of The Shoop Shoop Song (It's In His Kiss) by Betty Everett
THE SCENE. Divination Class. Enter LAVENDER BROWN & PARVATI PATIL, to earnestly entreat of PROF. TRELAWNEY the secrets of her success
LAVENDER & PARVATI
Can you predict? We want to know!
Can you tell what tomorrow holds?
Is it in tea leaves?
TRELAWNEY
Oh no, they are all wet
LAVENDER & PARVATI
Should we stars believe?
TRELAWNEY
Oh, they're for space cadets
If you want to spy with your Inner Eye
Just use the Crys
LAVENDER & PARVATI
Crystal, that is! Oh, yeah!
Oh, is it in the flames?
TRELAWNEY
Oh, no, they are too hot
LAVENDER & PARVATI
Should we palms proclaim?
TRELAWNEY
I think I'd rather not
If you want to speak of wazzup next week
Just use the Crys
LAVENDER & PARVATI
Crystal, that is!
TRELAWNEY
Oh, just use the Crys
LAVENDER & PARVATI
Crystal, that is!
TRELAWNEY
Oh, take it and peer in close
And find out what you want to know
You'll know what the future is
When you See in Crys!
LAVENDER & PARVATI
How about entrails of birds?
TRELAWNEY
Oh, no, that's far too crass!
You won't earn a passin' grade in my class
If you wanna jog through futures unfogged
It's in the Crys
ALL
Crystal, that is!
Oh, yeah, it's in the Crys!
Crystal, that is!
Instrumental bridge
TRELAWNEY
Oh, take it and peer in close
And find out what you want to know
Through the orb, you will learn it all
Once you have the balls
LAVENDER & PARVATI
How about the Tarot cards?
TRELAWNEY
Oh, they're a pack of Fools!
You won't earn a decent grade in this school
If you think you're fit to be a true Prophet
Just use the Crys
ALL
Crystal, that is!
Oh, yeah, it's in the Crys.....
A filk by Haggridd to the tune of He Plays the Violin from the musical 1776.
SCENE: PROF. TRELAWNEY'S classroom. The place is suffused by crimson light, the fire is roaring in the hearth, and LAVENDER BROWN is excitedly praising TRELAWNEY 's virtues to PARVATI PATIL.
LAVENDER BROWN:
Oh she rarely reads the tea leaves,
In teacups pink or blue.
Where most other methods might not,
This one always comes through.
So sooth she will aver;
Sundry visions seen through her
Inner Eye.
She reads the crystal ball,
A sphere not too large or too small.
And it glows, oh, it glows,
'Cause she knows what she knows.
Then she makes her prognostication
Proclaims to the Wizarding Nation.
"The future behold!"
O, O, O, O, Our fortunes are told.
TRELAWNEY:
I read the crystal ball,
And I hear the spirit world call.
From the orb I absorb
Into my Inner Eye
The most mystical of vibrations.
Then I make my divinations
Of what shall unfold.
O, O, O, O, your fortunes are told.
But then there was the time;
There was neither reason or rhyme,
When I tried; prophesied
Without fail, 'bout Wormtail.
In spite of my old prediliction
I made an accurate prediction.
I really can See!
O, O, O, O, Crystal Ball is for me.
LAVENDER BROWN:
She reads the Crystal Ball.
PARVATI PATIL:
She reads the Crystal Ball
TRELAWNEY:
I read the Crystal Ball.
To the tune of It's De-Lovely from Cole Porter's 1936 musical Red, Hot & Blue
THE SCENE: Gryffindor Common Room. Pro- and anti-Trelawney factions have their say about Hogwarts' notorious Divination Professor
Enter LAVENDER BROWN AND PARVATI PATIL; enter, from the opposite direction, HARRY and RON
LAVENDER: The stairs are long and the ladder steep
But the metaphysics are awfully deep
BOTH: It's transcendent, it's tremendous, it's Trelawney
PARVATI: She teaches us how to read tea leaves
To learn what the future has up its sleeves
BOTH: It's transcendent, it's tremendous, it's Trelawney
LAVENDER: When we enter her room, we are elated by her brand of perfume
And the rhythms of the grand celestial dance
Put us in a trance!
PARVATI: When you gaze into her crystal ball the Inner Eye will reveal all
BOTH: It's transcendent, it's tremendous,
It's transfixing, it's translucent,
It's a treasure, it's tranquil'ty
It's terrific, it's Trelawney!
RON: If into the future we would see
We must better learn to hold our tea
BOTH: It's trumpery, it's trifling, it's Trelawney
HARRY (laughing): That class never fails to entertain us
Now please, Ron, no jokes about Uranus
BOTH: It's trivial, it's a trinket, it's Trelawney
RON: (pretending to gaze into a crystal ball)
As the future unfogs, I see a midget pursued by a gigantic dog
He was born 'neath the baleful planet of Saturn
Hence this pattern….
HARRY: In Divination to earn an "A"
I predict my death three times each day
BOTH: She's pretentious, she's prepost'rous,
She's too precious, she's a problem,
She's provincial, she's a prune
She's the Predictions Professor!
Exit all, except HARRY, who alone ponders the matter further
With all her bangles and beads so odd
She seems no more than a blatant fraud
Is it trickery? Is it transient? Is it Trelawney?
She conjures portents from the vasty deep
In a room so warm that I fall asleep
Is it trendy? Is it triteness? Is it Trelawney?
Yet I recall a day when a weird voice through her had its say
Which informed us how Peter, that Wormtail git
Would hightail it
And though she often seems absurd
It all came true, her every word
Of his treachery, of his travesty,
Of his treason as it triggered
His transgressions towards the triumph
Of our tormentor, 'told Trelawney!
A filk by Kelly to the tune of The Scientist by Coldplay, but it is kinda cut short and moved around a bit.
THE SCENE: TRELAWNEY sits alone in her classroom, gazing out the window into a snowy landscape. She moves over to her crystal ball and sighs as music plays.
TRELAWNEY:
Come up to see you,
See the future and worry.
You don't know how unlucky you are...
I will gaze for you
Tell you I'm sorry.
Tell you your life will soon part...
Ask me more questions
About your future
Let's go back to the start.
Seeing the Grim,
Soon to your present.
It's all too close apart...
(chorus) Nobody said the future's easy.
Seeing's a game with mind and heart...
Nobody said seeing's easy.
I gave the tea leaves all my all...
I'm goin' back to crystal balls... to crystal balls...
Students come up the ladder, in dark robes and with sad faces, all except Neville, who is looking around confused. TRELAWNEY looks pitifully at him and shakes her head slowly...
Nobody said the future's easy.
Seeing's a game with mind and heart.
Nobody said seeing's easy.
I gave the tea leaves all my all...
I'm goin' back to crystal balls... goin' back to crystal balls...
A filk by Gail to the tune of The Inner Light by the Beatles
This filk is called "The Inner Eye II" because I previously wrote a filk entitled The Inner Eye to a different Beatles tune Within You And Without You
TRELAWNEY:
By just looking into this orb
You can know of the future
By just reading somebody's palm
You can learn about that person
The stronger your Sight is
The more you'll know
Your Inner Eye will show
By just understanding omens
You will see what will occur
By just gazing out at the stars
You can interpret the heaven
If you possess the Gift
The future will unfold
And then you will behold
Penetrate the mystery
Unfog the obscurity
Unravel your destiny
To the tune of When I Went to the Bar (aka Said I to Myself, Said I), from Gilbert and Sullivan's Iolanthe.
THE SCENE: Divination Class. PROFESSOR TRELAWNEY reflects back to the onset of her teaching career
TRELAWNEY:
When I went to Hogwarts as a teacher brand new
To my Inner Eye, said I
I'll teach Divination without grand ado
To my Inner Eye, said I
I will not go in for cheap beads and incense
Or fill up my classroom with perfumes too dense
And breakable teacups I will not dispense
To my Inner Eye, said I
My lighting will never be gloomy or dim
To my Inner Eye, said I
I'll never scare students with thestrals or Grims
To my Inner Eye, said I
Clairvoyant theatrics I'll always avoid
For students are apt to become quite annoyed
If I keep predicting that they'll be destroyed
To my Inner Eye, said I
Professional friendships I'll strongly promote
To my Inner Eye, said I
I'll never act mystic or strange and remote
To my Inner Eye, said I
When dining with colleagues, you'll not see me preen
Or discomfit them by creating a scene
Should our table by some happenstance seat thirteen
To my Inner Eye, said I
With learning and knowledge our teachers are armed
To my Inner Eye, said I
In Potions, Defenses, and Runes and in Charms
To my Inner Eye, said I
Their goals and their methods are clear and precise
And the Prophetic Arts should accept their advice
For mere smoke and mirrors no longer suffice
To my Inner Eye, said I