Severus Snape - The (Relatively) Benign Years
(Books One-Five)
Singing Snape by Laerry
Singing Snape by Laerry
* = post-OOP
** = post-HBP
Copyright 2000-2003, 2005 by Caius Marcius except A Good Shampoo, Snape's Favorite Things, I Enjoy Being a Git, and That's Why Ol' Snapey is a Vamp Copyright 2000, 2001 by Pippin; That Drip Potter Copyright 2001 by Sherman Dorn; Pretty Fly (for that Snape Guy) Copyright 2001 by Alex Jones; I Am the Very Model of an Anti-Hero Archetype, Searching For Redemption, Another One flunks the Class, He's Always a Bastard to Me and I Hate Snape Copyright 2002-2003 by Mariner; All I Ever Wanted Copyright 2002 by Niche Eenhoorn; Get Those Potions Brewing Copyright 2002 by selkie; Our Informative Snape Copyright 2002 by SmilingFalcon; Snape's Yesterdays Copyright 2002 by Pip; Snape's "Little" List Copyright 2002 by Slytherin Sister; I Don't Know Why I Like Him, Potions Are Made of These, A Rant About Trust, Severus and Snape's Grudge Copyright 2002, 2003 by Gail; Potions Man Copyright 2002 by Nicole Lyon; Severus' Bar Copyright 2002 by Highlander; The Darkness in Me Copyright 2002 by Wolfie; Snape Copyright 2003 by Alex H.; All Alone, Casting Spells, Do You Believe?, I'm Professor Snape and I Schemed A Scheme Copyright 2002 by Veresna Ussep; The Head of Slytherin House, Snape's Song (Potter is a Drip) and Teacher Copyright 2003, 2006 by Salazar; Snape's Way Copyright 2003 by Manda; Sev'rus the Hated Teacher and A Visit From St. Severus Copyright 2002 by Catherine Johnson; Secret Agent Snape Copyright 2004 by Iggy McSnurd; The Cruel Death Eater Copyright 2004 by Indigo Ziona (This) One's For Old Sevvy Copyright 2004 by Star Opal; Just Another Day in Potions Class opyright 2004 by Richard; Professor Snape Copyright 2004 by The Final Stillness of Saturn; Kids! Copyright 2004 by RJ Lupin; Grey Panties Copyright 2004 by Murasaki; I Am A Shmuck Copyright 2004 by Jason LeBouef; Sevvy Got Snark Copyright 2004 by Wolfwoman; Dunderheads! Dunderheads!, Me and Minnie McG and That Potion Master's Fine Copyright 2004, 2005 by Ginger; The Ballad of Sevvy Snape Copyright 2004 by Antosha Chekhonte; Potions in Dungeon Nine Copyright 2004 by Desiderata atte Sneppe; Manky Slyth Git Copyright 2005 by Tann; Snape's Little List Copyright 2005 by Dungrollin; I'm In Love With A Man Called Snape, Potions Man and Snapester Man Copyright 2005 by The Dark Evil One; Both Sides Now Copyright 2005 by iTickleSleepingDragons
A filk by Marina to the tune of I Am the Very Model of a Modern Major-General, from Gilbert and Sullivan's The Pirates of Penzance
Scene: Enter SNAPE, swirling his cloak, followed by a chorus of SLYTHERINS
SNAPE
I am the very model of an Anti-Hero Archetype,
My condescending manner's guaranteed to make the heroes gripe,
I hang out in a dungeon that a nicer guy would wither in,
It doesn't bother me at all because I am a Slytherin.
I always dress in black with a theatrical and stylish flair,
It makes up for the fact that I don't brush my teeth or wash my hair.
I work with smelly potions in an underground laboratory
And have a gift for sarcasm and other snarky oratory.
SLYTHERINS
He has a gift for sarcasm and other snarky oratory,
He has a gift for sarcasm and other snarky oratory,
He has a gift for sarcasm and other snarky oratory!
SNAPE
I'm biased toward Malfoy and the other kids in Slytherin,
I terrorize Longbottom into quiverin' and ditherin',
In short I can assure you that I more than live up to the hype
Of being the very model of an Anti-Hero Archetype.
SLYTHERINS
In short we can assure you that he more than lives up to the hype
Of being the very model of an Anti-Hero Archetype.
SNAPE
I have an evil history that's murky and mysterious,
I have a vicious grudge against that bloody bastard Sirius,
I torment Harry Potter every opportunity I get,
But when he is imperiled I am always there to save the brat.
I was a double-agent in the previous Death Eater war,
And now I go again to risk my scrawny neck for Dumbledore,
Exactly what I'm doing, only JKR can say for sure,
But if I'm caught I'll probably get Crucio'd by Voldemort.
SLYTHERINS:
But if he's caught he'll probably get Crucio'd by Voldemort,
But if he's caught he'll probably get Crucio'd by Voldemort,
But if he's caught he'll probably get Crucio'd by Voldemort.
SNAPE
I'm capable of standing up to hazards occupational,
I'm capable of carrying a grudge cross-generational,
In short I can assure you that I more than live up to the hype
Of being the very model of an Anti-Hero Archetype.
SLYTHERINS
In short we can assure you that he more than lives up to the hype
Of being the very model of an Anti-Hero Archetype.
SNAPE
In fact, when we discover the true history behind the Prank,
And learn the real reasons for my quitting the Death Eater ranks,
And why I knew Dark Magic by the time I first showed up at school,
And whether I'll make Dumbledore look like a genius or a fool,
And if Karkaroff mentored me the way he mentors Victor Krum,
And if I ever really had a crush on Harry Potter's mum,
In short, when Jo reveals the truth behind my nastiness and rage,
You'll say a better archetype has never stalked across a page.
SLYTHERINS
In short, when Jo reveals the truth behind his nastiness and rage,
You'll say a better archetype has never stalked across a page.
SNAPE
I'm complicated and intense, heroic and despicable,
My motives are so twisted, some would say they're inexplicable,
In short I can assure you that I more than live up to the hype
Of being the very model of an Anti-Hero Archetype.
SLYTHERINS
In short, we can assure you that he more than lives up to the hype
Of being the very model of an Anti-Hero Archetype!
A filk by Pippin to the tune of My Favorite Things from The Sound of Music
Toad guts and rat spleens and lacewings and leeches
Slimy things floating in jars where he teaches
Bicorns and bezoars, billywig stings
These are a few of Snape's favorite things
Wrecking the roses, evicting the smitten
Bagging on Ron because Malfoy got bitten
Binding up Lupin with magical strings
These are a few of Snape's favorite things
Telling Malfoy to cast Serpensortia
Catching those prats with their blue Ford Anglia
Swishing his cloak like a big pair of wings
These are a few of Snape's favorite things
Stalking Hogwarts
In the evenings
Searching high and low
'Cause picking on Harry's his favorite thing
Wherever the kid may go.
Threatening harm until someone confesses
Which side he'll end up on, anyone's guess is
Is he a good guy or is it a sting?
Pondering Snape is my favorite thing
Stalking Hogwarts
In the evenings
Looking like a bat
But if he's a vampire
There's no way to know
'Cause Rowling ain't told us that
To the tune of Mame from the 1966 musical
Who's the fearsome head of Slytherin's dorm?
Snape!
Who's not exactly fuzzy and warm?
Snape!
Who can we always count on for a snarl and a snap and then a sneer?
Who deducts points from Gryffindor every time that Harry ventures near?
Whose merest gesture holds immense threat?
Snape!
Who's made Draco M. his teachers' pet?
Snape!
He has the features into which the boggarts now all want to change their shape
He is the Master of Potions, who'll
Get sorely overemotional
At every Potter Promotional
Snape!
Your class is a dungeon drafty and dank
Snape!
You're lean, a meanie, cranky and lank
Snape!
You outed Lupin and to Black you are quite Sirius-ly averse
Yet you protected Harry and saved him from Professor Quirrell's curse.
You have a superb theatrical flair
Snape!
You seem to apparate out of thin air
Snape!
You know how to make an entrance that causes every mouth to fall agape
Your eyes glimmer as black as coal
You crush and swallow students whole
A guy we shouldn't try to troll
Snape!
Check the sundial it's after one
The Potions class has just begun
The cauldron's already beginning to boil
Snape!
Toward the back Hermione and Ron
Are wishing they could be already gone
While Malfoy snickers with Crabbe and Goyle
Snape!
According to Neville
You're the very devil
You're scarier than You-Know-Who
While you explain
How a dash of wolfsbane
And asphodel's best for this brew
Yet George and Fred have frequently said
Rather than sit through this
They'd rather undergo a Dementor's Kiss!
You want to teach the Dark Arts Defense
Snape!
But you're more skilled at taking Offense
Snape!
But now a disturbance has arisen, and it seems as though there may be no escape:
Your Dark Mark starts to blaze again
Lord Voldy's snake eyes gaze again
It's that Death Eater craze again!
Snape!
You were once rivals with Harry's dad
Snape!
Your memories of him still drive you mad
Snape!
For over 20 years upon that werewolf incident you've dwelled
You don't want Harry dead, but you'll be avenged if you get him expelled.
We're spellbound by your spite and sheer rage
Snape!
You seem to leap right off of the page
Snape!
You've now become an archetype, like Sherlock Holmes or Batman in his cape
So it stands at the end of Volume Four:
You're off to spy for Dumbledore
You'll help demolish Voldemort!
Snape! Snape! Snape! Snape! Snape!
A filk by Slytherin Sister to the tune of As Someday It May Happen (aka I've Got a Little List) from Gilbert and Sullivan's The Mikado.
NOTE: In a Little List, the singer rants on about people he doesn't care about (which is why Snape's Little List isn't so little), without naming names. I have violated this rule, not often, only once.
SNAPE
As someday it may happen that a victim must be found,
I've got a little list, I've got a little list
Of Hogwarts people all of whom who might well be underground,
And who never would be missed, who never would be missed.
The dingbat in the tower with her horoscopes and leaves,
The ghosts of other houses and the poltergeist named Peeves,
The werewolf who's so poor that all his robes hang down in rags,
And who thinks it's fun to make a boggart look like me in drag,
And the twins by whom all figures of authority are dissed,
They'd none of 'em be missed, they'd none of 'em be missed.
After each stanza, a chorus of sycophantic Slytherins, relieved not to be mentioned in the song, serenade their fearless leader with their agreement, thus:
You can put them on the list, you can put them on the list,
And they'd none of 'em be missed, they'd none of 'em be missed!
The snippy head of Gryffindor who stole from me the Cup,
The vulture-like librarian who'd make a troll throw up,
The blonde from Beauxbatons who thinks she's every male's dream,
The Durmstrang Quidditch player from Bulgaria's pro team,
Yes, that smug and sour Seeker with the Snitch gripped in his fist,
I don't think they'd be missed; I'm sure they'd not be missed.
(chorus)
The foolish fop with phony grin and prissy, curly hair,
Who spends his royalties on buying multicolored wear,
The hulking lout whose giant dog almost bit off my limb,
The puny charms professor - well, we all look down on him.
All the kids who hide in bushes just to make out and be kissed,
They'd none of 'em be missed, they'd none of 'em be missed.
(chorus)
The portrait people who desert their frames to have a chat,
The squib who prowls the halls along with his disgusting cat,
Our precious young celebrity who transcends every rule,
Whose cloak allows him free rein after hours through the school,
And who managed in the tournament to be a finalist,
I don't think they'd be missed; I'm sure they'd not be missed.
(chorus)
Miss Know-It-All, with loads of books, whose hand is always raised,
And who shows off every chance she gets in order to be praised.
Those redhead kids with freckles - gad, we've surely had a lot!
I'm hoping that the daughter is the last of them, the snot.
Then the headmaster who makes me keep this job of alchemist,
They'd none of 'em be missed, they'd none of 'em be missed.
(chorus)
The teacher of herbology, with dumpy form and face,
The bossy infirmarian, who thinks she owns the place,
The bumblebee in Ministry whose gambling's an addiction,
The obnoxious dame reporter who writes nothing else but fiction,
The stupid Muggle who on writing junk like this insists,
I don't think they'd be missed; I'm sure they'd not be missed.
(chorus)
The moron who keeps losing his pet toad, or is it frog?
The murderous Marauder masquerading as a dog,
The Minister of Magic, who's the bravest man we've found,
As long as one or two of his dementors are around,
And the hist'ry teacher who drones on of goblin terrorists,
They'd none of 'em be missed, they'd none of 'em be missed.
(chorus)
The huge and snooty tête of Beauxbatons we'd ditch with glee,
As well as Durmstrang's head with his ridiculous goatee,
The paranoid auror who has that creepy eye of blue,
My ex-boss, whom those cowards all keep calling "You-Know-Who,"
And that ratty little wimp that he keeps with him to assist,
They'd none of 'em be missed, they'd none of 'em be missed!
SNAPE & CHORUS
I've/He's got 'em on my/his list, I've/he's got 'em on my/his list,
And they'll none of 'em be missed, they'll none of 'em be missed!
A filk by Dungrollin to the tune of I've Got a Little List from Gilbert and Sullivan's The Mikado
I've never written one of these things before, but thought of it on the train home from work (having injudiciously exhausted my reading matter). A couple of fudged rhymes, and some dodgy metre, but couldn't stop myself once it got into my head...
SNAPE:
Since frequently it happens that a victim must be found,
I've got a little list - I've got a little list,
And scorn-deserving students, staff and idiots abound,
I'm sure you get the gist - they're all upon the list.
The imbecilic cretins fill my classes year on year,
My contempt is not a front, it is whole-heartedly sincere,
Longbottom can't boil water without making it go "bang!"
He has the brains and subtlety of an orang-utan,
My loathing of them runs so deep, I really can't resist,
They're all upon the list - for they'll none of them be missed.
CHORUS:
He's got 'em on the list - he's got 'em on the list,
And they'll none of 'em be missed - they'll none of 'em be missed.
SNAPE:
There's Sirius and James, the dolt: so vain it nauseates
The flippant humorists - they were upon the list,
But Potter's swollen cranium much more infuriates,
He heads my little list - he never would be missed.
That damn trio's larks fill me with apoplectic rage,
Capricious squirts: Our world's at an apocalyptic stage,
That reckless bloody werewolf, lying calmly to my face,
How he got my job I'll never know, it's a disgrace!
I'm certain there are others... let me add them to the list,
They should all be on the list - I'm sure they'll not be missed.
CHORUS:
He's got 'em on the list - he's got 'em on the list,
And I don't think they'll be missed - I'm sure they'll not be
missed.
SNAPE:
Lockhart was a moron, I detested him with zeal,
The witless egoist - I've got him on the list,
I've taught all seven Weasleys (a disheartening ordeal),
They'll none of them be missed - they're all upon the list.
Granger is unbearable, she sets my teeth on edge,
I'd garrotte her if I could but I gave Dumbledore my pledge,
That graveyard-full of former friends, including You-Know-Who,
The task of filling in the blanks I'd rather leave to you...
Incompetents, who clearly cannot with wit coexist,
They're right there on the list - they're all upon the list.
CHORUS:
You may put 'em on the list - you may put 'em on the list,
For they'll none of 'em be missed - they'll none of 'em be missed.
A filk by Alex Jones, to the tune of Pretty Fly for a White Guy by The Offspring
Scene: The Potions Dungeon. Snape is sitting behind his desk, whilst the Gryffindor fourth-years cower behind their cauldrons. The FAT LADY and the PALE WITCH appear suddenly in one of the wall posters, giggling. The FAT LADY is clutching an empty box of chocolate liquers, and hiccupping.
INTRO
FAT LADY: Give it to me Snapey!
PALE WITCH: Uh-huh, Uh-huh!
FAT LADY: Give it to me Snapey!
PALE WITCH: Uh-huh, Uh-huh!
FAT LADY: Give it to me Snapey!
PALE WITCH: Uh-huh, Uh-huh!
NEARLY HEADLESS NICK drifts in through the blackboard
NICK: And all the ghoulies say he's pretty fly
FAT LADY and PALE WITCH: For that Snape guy.
NEVILLE accidently drops his wand into his cauldron. A loud guitar riff begins to boom out from it. HARRY jumps up onto his desk
HARRY: You know it's kinda hard
To get Potions right today
This subject isn't cool
But he'll teach it anyway.
SEAMUS: He may not have a clue
And he may not have style
HERMIONE: But no one in the whole wide world
Has ever seen him smile!
CHORUS
ALL: So don't debate
With Professor Snape
Cos you know he really doesn't get it anyway
He'll make Potions hell
Until we hear that bell
And then we'll run away, run away
HARRY: Whenever we see Snape
Our hearts are filled with hate
RON: And all we really wanna do is
Push him in the lake
HERMIONE: The world needs Potions teachers
Come on and do the Potions thing!
BRIDGE
FAT LADY: Give it to me Snapey!
PALE WITCH: Uh-huh, Uh-huh!
FAT LADY: Give it to me Snapey!
PALE WITCH: Uh-huh, Uh-huh!
FAT LADY: Give it to me Snapey!
PALE WITCH: Uh-huh, Uh-huh!
NICK: Uno dos tres, cuatro cinco cinco seis!
PARVATI: He needs to cut his hair
But a quick trim would suffice
LAVENDAR: He even made me cry once
Cos he's just not very nice
DEAN: He makes us work too hard
And we all wish he'd retire
NEVILLE: Can someone please help me?
Cos I think my hat's on fire!
CHORUS
(as before)
HARRY: Now he wants to teach Dark Arts
Cos he thinks it could be fun.
HERMIONE: He applied at thirteen
But now he's thirty one!
RON: Some say he's not so bad
And he's just a moody git,
But if you ask me
Snape's a little piece of -
HERMIONE: Ron!
CHORUS
ALL: So don't debate
With Professor Snape
Cos you know he really doesn't get it anyway
He'll make Potions hell
Until we hear that bell
And then we'll run away, run away
HARRY: And those who don't hate him
Belong in Slytherin.
RON: Cos the rest of us just wanna
Kick him in the shins.
HERMIONE: The world needs Potions teachers
Hey, hey, do the Potions thing!
A filk by Alex H. based on the theme from Shaft
RON and HERMIONE sing as a seventies-style intro shows Snape 'in action'.
RON:
Who's the man all in black,
That's makes you wanna watch your back?
HERMIONE:
SNAPE!
RON:
Ya damn right!
Who is the plotter that's risking his neck
To protect Harry Potter?
HERMIONE:
SNAPE!
RON:
Can you dig it?
But who's the Potions mack
Who denies what he's doin', jack?
HERMIONE:
SNAPE!
RON:
Right On!
They say this snake Snape is one Death Eater
HERMIONE:
LOSE THAT WAND!
RON:
I'm talkin' 'bout Snape.
HERMIONE:
THEN WE CAN DIG IT!
RON:
He's a mysterious man
But no one understands him but Boss Albus
BOTH:
SEV SNAPE!
A filk by Marina to the tune of Another One Bites the Dust by Queen
NEVILLE
Here I am in Potions class
With my cauldron on the boil.
I have to get it right this time,
Can't afford to let it spoil.
I measured, I cut and stirred,
But it's never any use.
Instead of turning royal blue
My potion's gone chartreuse.
SNAPE
Another one flunks the class.
Another one flunks the class.
And another one flunks, and another one flunks,
Another one flunks the class.
Hey! Ten points from Gryffindor!
Another one flunks the class.
HARRY AND RON
It doesn't matter what we do,
We can never get it right.
We might as well resign ourselves
To detention every night.
Is it garlic? Is it eye of newt?
How did we mess it up?
We tried to drink the end result,
But it dissolved the cup.
SNAPE
Another one flunks the class, etc.
HERMIONE
I never get a potion wrong,
My work is all first-class.
I've got the textbooks memorized,
My lecture notes kick ass.
I do it! I get it right!
But it seems I cannot win.
Snape just calls me a know-it-all
And gives points to Slytherin.
SNAPE
Another one flunks the class, etc.
A filk by selkie to the tune of Get This Party Started by P!NK
SNAPE
I'm comin' in so you better get those potions brewing.
I'm comin' in so you better get those potions brewing.
Get those potions brewing in my afternoon class.
Sure, you're gonna fail it, but for me it's a blast
Handing out detentions to the Gryffindor boys,
Taking 50 points off if I hear any noise.
Malfoy is my pet, he's got that Slytherin style,
Potter and his gang are easy prey for our wiles.
I'm comin' in so you better get those potions brewing.
I'm comin' in so you better get those potions brewing.
Checking out the potions before they explode;
Longbottom's looks ruined,
Think I'll poison his toad.
If you help him fix it, Ms. Hermione
I'll be glaring at you most malevolently.
Each of you must learn to not put up any fight
If you're not in my House, you can't do anything right.
I'm comin' in so you better get those potions brewing.
I'm comin' in so you better get those potions brewing.
I'm comin' in so you better get those potions brewing.
I'm comin' in so you better get those potions brewing.
Making students nervous as I stalk through the halls-
It's a pleasant sight to see them climbing the walls.
Acting antisocial, pretty soon you'll see
Everybody showing deep respect for me.
I'm your potions master, if you step out of line
I will spike your pumpkin juice with poisonous slime.
I'm comin' in so you better get those potions brewing.
I'm comin' in so you better get those potions brewing.
Get those potions brewing.
Get those potions brewing right now.
Get those potions brewing.
Get those potions brewing.
Get those potions brewing right now.
(bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha)
To the tune of My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean
The first day of Potions Class. Enter SEVERUS SNAPE, to a room full of nervous first-year students
SNAPE
The class that I teach is called Potions
To earn a grade higher than "C"
You must study each day with devotion
And do nothing annoying to me
Cut up, slice up, chop up those potions for me, for me
Cook up, heat up, whip up those potions for me
There are three things that I find annoying
Those who doze off in class and then snore
Those who my equipment keep destroying
And anyone from Gryffindor
CHORUS OF GRYFFINDOR STUDENTS
Cut up, slice up, chop up those potions for Snape, for Snape
Stir up, brew up, but don't get him bent out of shape.
NEVILLE
He couldn't be any more scary
If he had huge fangs and a cape
A session with Dr. Caligari
Would be better than Severus Snape
CHORUS
Drop out, drop out, we would if we could but we can't, we can't!
Bomb out, burn out, our GPA's gonna be scant!
A filk by Pippin to the tune of A Bicycle Built for Two
Snape-y, Snape-y,
Give us your answer do.
We're half crazy,
All for the love of you.
We know that you would disparage
A wizard-Muggle marriage,
But come, we entreat,
To the Prefect's bath suite,
And we'll give you a good shampoo!
To the tune of I Walk the Line by Johnny Cash
THE SCENE: Potions Class. Enter SNAPE, dressed in black
SNAPE
I keep a closed mind when I teach my kids
I give a free reign to my hostile id
All kind and merciful deeds I forbid
Because they whine I act malign
I find it very, very easy to be cruel,
I strictly enforce each and every rule
I make them wish they never came to school
I don't decline to act malign
I find it such fun to subtract a point
That Granger girl I like to disappoint
I love to get Potter's nose way out of joint
It's so divine to act malign
As sure as sneers are sneers and snakes are snakes
I'll snap at Neville for ev'ry mistake
As I tell him it's all for his own sake
I'm such a swine - I'm so malign!
To the tune of Jefferson Airplane's White Rabbit
THE SCENE: Potions' Dungeon. Enter SNAPE
SNAPE
"One spleen makes it oranger, and one root gives it gall..."
And the next test that I'll give them will demand total recall
Go have malice in the lecture hall
And if they go losing house points and they think they're going to fail
Tell 'em to look up texts on British bezoars and report ev'ry detail
Go have malice, and their butts you'll nail
When the bile all starts to boil and cauldrons start to thaw
And the dungeon smells like the men's room, and Potter is breaking laws
Go have malice, it's the final straw
When magic skill in Potions Neville shows not a shred
And Ron Weasley is shouting back talk
And Hermione's blushing red
Remember what you've always said
"Dunderheads! Dunderheads!"
To the tune of Teach Your Children Well by Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young
The Scene: Potions Class. Enter SEVERUS SNAPE
SNAPE
Taunt your children well
Put them through Hell
Inside the classroom
When it's time to teach
Be sure to screech
And make 'em sense doom
As the Potions Prof
They won't dare scoff
Cause you're the top wiz
Surprise them all with tests
Make them detest
And fear each pop quiz
Persecute a student's toad
His self-esteem you will corrode
And within him seeds you've sowed
To make him hate you
Flash a mocking smile
And assign a pile
Of dreary homework
Watch their spirit fade
As a failing grade
You grant with a smirk
In your seminar
You can start war
If you play favorites
Select a teacher's pet
The rest forget
Sit back and savor it
Give each child what he deserves
You'll augment his learning curve
If you jangle all his nerves
Until he hates you
Uh-huh!
A filk by Nicole Lyon to the tune of Billy Joel's Piano Man
The setting: The Potions classroom in the dungeon. A huge, black grand piano is wheeled into the room, Draco sitting on the bench. Pansy Parkinson sits on top of the piano, brandishing a harmonica. The candles go out, leaving only an iron chandelier shining directly down on the piano and its occupants. Draco begins to play and sing with Pansy accompanying him on the harmonica.
DRACO:
At two o'clock every weekday
The Hogwarts students shuffle in
For their double length class of potions
And the master's insidious grin
You say, "Potter, that's ten points from Gryffindor
For your rebellious show of cheek
Don't you do it again.
Seems you will not attain
The adulation that you seek."
La la la diddy da
La da diddy da da
Make us a brew you're the potions man
Teach us to brew glory
Well we'd so like to see how you stopper death
We're ready and willing quarry
That Neville Longbottom is so hopeless
Melted five cauldrons this week
You fill him with strife, threaten his pet toad's life
I admire how you torture the meek
He says, "Snape threatened to kill my poor Trevor"
As he struggled to get his brew right
"Well, I can't afford to make any mistakes
His threat has me filled with such fright."
Oh la la la diddy da
La da diddy da da
Well you always favor your Slytherins
Awarding us point after point
You harass that old Potter, by threatening slaughter
Or expulsion from this old joint
And that know-it-all Hermione Granger
Has received a great share of your wrath
That's what she gets for having the gall to think
She's good enough to walk our same path
Piano solo, Draco's normally slicked-back hair flying from side to side as he pounds at the ebony and ivory
Make us a brew you're the potions man
Teach us to brew glory
Well we'd so like to see how you stopper death
We're ready and willing quarry
There is no foolish wand waving in your class
And all must listen attentively
For there's not one sole chant and we never incant
So you inform us disdainfully
And the potions are really quite powerful
And if we add powdered asphodel
And if we're really good and then add some wormwood
We'll create Living Death, so stir well
Oh la la la diddy da
La da diddy da da
Make us a brew you're the potions man
Teach us to brew glory
Well we'd so like to see how you stopper death
We're ready and willing quarry
As the music fades out, Draco and Pansy smirk and Snape smiles nastily and announces, "Fifty points to Slytherin."
A filk by Gail to the tune of Memories Are Made of These performed by Dean Martin
CHORUS OF STUDENTS (in the background):
Complete...the potions you teach-a-me,
You can't beat the potions you teach-a-me
SNAPE:
Take one fresh and tender newt
Add your sliced up ginger roots
One powdered shrew
One flowered rue
Potions are made of these
Don't forget heart of crocodile
Fold in lightly with some bile
Twig of hemlock
A sprig of dock
Potions are made of these
Then add the blindworm's sting
Lizard's leg and owlet's wing
A little saline for the flavor
Let simmer for two hours
Just feel the subtle power
These are the fumes that I savor
If you're not dunderhead
And you've done just what I've said
This potent brew
Will work for you
Potions are made of these
A filk by Eloise to the tune of It's Not Easy Being Green from The Muppet Movie
THE SCENE: The Quidditch Cup Final....."Behind the Slytherin goalposts, however, two hundred people were wearing green...and Professor Snape sat in the very front row, wearing green like everyone else, and a very grim smile.' (POA, UK PB, 225).
SNAPE:
It's not that easy wearing green
When I'd rather wear my usual black weeds;
They lend an air of menace to my mien
And bring out the colour of my eyes.
It's not that easy wearing green.
It seems you blend in with all the other Slytherins.
And people tend to pass you over 'cause you're not standing out
Like a flashy DADA teacher - or a show-off Gryffindor.
But green is the colour of my house.
And green can be serpentine and sinister.
And green can be dangerous, like a dragon, or deadly like a poison,
or (N0!)...Like Potter's eyes.
When green is all there is to wear
It could make you wonder why, but why wonder why?
Wonder, I wear green and it'll do fine: I'm a Slytherin!
And I think it's what I want to be.
A filk by Pippin to the tune of I Enjoy Being a Girl , from Rodgers and Hammerstein's Flower Drum Song
SNAPE
I'm a git and by me that's only great!
I am proud that my gaze is quite perturbing
That I walk with a silent gliding gait
With my eyes on the watch for what's disturbing
Rule breakers are my favorite quarry
When Filch comes to fetch me at my place
Out we go after Ron or Herm or Harry
Like a Granian who is ready for the race.
RON, HERMIONE and HARRY
Oh he's got a greasy hairdo
And his eyes are a lightless pit
And he moves like the bats in air do
He enjoys being a git
You can't say he's cute or funny
He scares all of us (just a bit)
And his manner is hardly sunny
He enjoys being a git
He flips when he finds us after hours
He drools when ol' Sirius escapes
He prowls round the corridors and towers
With a pound and a half of grease upon his face.
Oh he could bamboozle Voldy
And convince him he was for sale
He gave our side much information
That's why Snape isn't in jail
He's hoping our OWL degrees fail
But to our strategy he's key
So we're stuck with that slimy grease pail
Who enjoys being a spy being a git like he
A filk by Marina to the tune of I Hate Men from Kiss Me, Kate by Cole Porter
SCENE: After an especially trying Potions class, our intrepid Trio take some time to rant.
RON:
I hate Snape.
He gets me totally bent out of shape.
He's nasty and he's biased and he's always docking points.
I'd like to punch his ugly nose and put it out of joint.
Expect no kindness from him, 'cos he's sure to disappoint.
Oh, I hate Snape!
Of all the teachers in this school -- a fine, diverse collection --
I hate most the Potions Master with his bad complexion.
When he approaches, I take off in the opposite direction.
'Cos I hate Snape!
HARRY:
I hate Snape.
He almost foiled Sirus' escape.
He used to work for Voldemort, a fully-pledged Death Eater.
And he might be reformed now, but he sure ain't any sweeter.
He's even more annoying than Malfoy and Rita Skeeter.
Yes, I hate Snape!
If you find yourself in Potions class, you'd better pay attention,
Unless you are a Slytherin, you'll wind up in detention,
Performing tasks too gruesome and embarrasing to mention.
Oh, I hate Snape!
HERMIONE:
I hate Snape,
Like I hate the stuff that off my shoe I scrape.
I do not find his swooping manner graceful or romantic,
I do not like the way he makes poor Neville scared and frantic
And I don't appreciate how he insults my orthodontics.
Oh, I hate Snape!
I know that he's a teacher, and I really should respect him.
I know he's guarded Harry and attempted to protect him.
But every time he speaks, I feel this great urge to dissect him.
Yes, I hate Snape!
To the tune of Mister Cellophane from Kander & Ebb's Chicago
THE SCENE: Potions Class. Enter SEVERUS SNAPE
SNAPE
If students read silly gossip
That prattles of their tangled ships
Distracting them from Potions class
I'll notice it
If Potter isn't on the train
To cruise a car just like a plane
And thinks he'll win himself a pass
I'll notice it
And merely with a quiet smile and sneer
I'll reduce the culprits to the utmost fear
Because of course their tormentor will be
Inexorable, ultra-uncordial me
Spellotape
Mister Spellotape
aka Severus Snape
Mister Spellotape
'Cause I can look right through you
Stick right on you
And just like glue adhere!
If DADA teachers serve as spies
Who target broomsticks in the skies
And play a double-facéd game
I'll notice it
If fugitives from Azkaban
Renew old ties with a Wolfman
And loud their innocence proclaim
I'll gloat a bit
I have a motto that describes my stance:
"Constant Unceasing Hyper-Vigilance!"
The person eyeing you suspiciously
Is that obsessive, unregenerate
You know me……..
Spellotape
Mister Spellotape
aka Severus Snape
Mister Spellotape
'Cause I can look right through you
Stick right on you
And just like glue adhere!
I tell ya
Spellotape
Mister Spellotape
There is no escape from
Mister Spellotape
'Cause I can look right through you
Stick right on you
And just like glue adhere!
And I will just like glue adhere!
A filk by Marina to the tune of She's Always a Woman to Me by Billy Joel
HARRY expresses his opinion of Snape in musical form.
HARRY:
He can slay with a sneer,
He can scar with a smirk,
In or out of the classroom he acts like a jerk,
And he's always the last guy that I want to see,
He swoops like a bat
And he's always a bastard to me.
He can lose you house points,
He can pass you or fail you.
When you think you're on track, he is sure to derail you.
Always popping up where you don't want him to be.
He slinks like a snake
And he's always a bastard to me.
CHORUS
Oh, he holds on to a grudge,
And he always appears
At the worst time and place.
Oh, and he never lets up,
And he never backs off,
He's always right in my face.
He's become Neville's boggart,
Hermione's tormentor,
He nearly fed Sirius to a Dementor,
And he hated my dad out of sheer jealousy.
He made Lupin resign
And he's always a bastard to me.
CHORUS
He's always unkind
And he's frequently cruel,
He's the greasiest, nastiest git in this school.
Of our mutual loathing there's no secrecy.
And he may be a rock
To his Slytherin flock,
But he's always a bastard to me
A filk by Niche Eenhoorn, to the tune of All I Ever Wanted from The Prince of Egypt
This is sung by SNAPE, according to the idea that he was a Death Eater and then realised he was wrong all the time. He denies it at first, of course, but he ends up accepting it. The final verse is someone - perhaps Dumbledore - welcoming him back.
Practicing the Dark Arts,
Friends and fun and power never known,
All I ever wanted!
The sweet taste of victory,
Knowing I'm important in this world,
All I ever wanted!
This is my home,
With my Lord, my Guide, my Master, oh so mighty, oh so strong,
I feel at home,
Here among the cleverest kind of wizards, I belong,
And if anybody doubts it, I'll gladly prove them wrong.
I am a powerful Death Eater,
A pure-blood potions expert, proud and bold,
Doing all I'm told....
Is this really all I ever wanted?
All I ever wanted?
All I ever wanted...
"Now you are back, at home,
Life's been playing with you, but its grip has loosened now
You're not alone,
Yes, you know the truth now, time to stand up and move on,
Grasp this option tight with your hands,
Don't reject this second chance..."
A filk by Gail to the tune of Soliloquy: Javert's Suicide from the musical Les Miserables
SNAPE:
That Sirius Black
Thought he was being funny
He sent me down to a trap
And Potter had to save me
A highly amusing joke
That would have ended in death
Had not Potter
Pulled me out from the depths
Lupin was there
A werewolf at the Shack
Their stupid prank
At the last moment, brought back
Damn it, I have a life debt to Potter
Damn it, I have this hanging over my head
I'm not a fool and I shall not be mocked
Would have been better had he left me for dead
There's been nothing but hostility
It has always been him versus me!
How can I now repay this man
Of this life debt that I owe?
This arrogant man whom I have hated
He saved my life but he died long ago
Potter was killed by Voldemort
By the Dark Lord
By the Dark Lord I once served well
He is now dead, I live in hell
Now many years later
Potter's young son, Harry
He's so much like his father
The resemblance, uncanny
When I look at this Potter boy
Reminded after all these years
My heart is hard and yet I still need
To make this life debt somehow disappear
At the Quidditch game Harry played
He did not know
I was saving his life that day
From the hex of Professor Quirrell
I try to let go but I can't
And my hate grows more and more
As I try to protect him
As I try to settle the score
I'll be released now from this debt
From this debt of James Potter
Then I'll finally be at peace
Then maybe it will be over
A filk by Wolfie to the tune of Tim McGraw's The Cowboy in Me
SNAPE:
I don't know why I act the way I do
Like I've not got a single thing to lose
Sometimes I'm my own worst enemy
I guess that's just the darkness in me
I'm alive and most no longer are
and sometimes I still wake up fightin' mad
At where this road I'm heading down might lead
I guess that's just the darkness in me
CHORUS:
The urge to run
the restlessness
The heart of stone
I seem to have
The things I've done
For foolish greed
The me that's never ever seen
The face that's in the mirror and I don't like what I see
I guess that's just the darkness in me
Repeat Chorus
Albus, I know there's times you must have thought
There's not a line you've drawn I've not crossed
But you've set your mind to see my salvation through
I guess that's just the darkness in you
We'll win and never worry about the fall
I guess that's just the darkness in us all
A filk by Marina to the tune of First We Take Manhattan by Leonard Cohen
SNAPE
They stuck me in the dungeon teaching potions
For spying on Death Eaters from within.
To Dumbledore I now give my devotion,
Searching for redemption, here in Slytherin.
I'm haunted by the sins that I've committed,
I'm haunted by this Dark Mark on my skin.
My students are obnoxious and dim-witted.
I'm searching for redemption, here in Slytherin.
I'd really like to loosen up a little,
To chug a butterbeer in Hogsmeade now and then,
But do you see those thugs in hoods there killing Muggles?
I tell you, I tell you, I tell you I was one of them.
READERS
Ah, we love to read about him, but will he really help the good guys
win?
His history's a mystery; Jo's plots make all our poor heads spin.
How many times have we re-read his final Goblet scene?
Will he find redemption, there in Slytherin?
SIRIUS
I don't like your slimy ways, Professor,
Your creepy manner gets under my skin.
Don't care if Dumbledore is your confessor,
There is no redemption for a Slytherin.
SNAPE
I'd really like to loosen up a little...
LUPIN
I thank you for the potion that you gave me.
Your brilliant brew helped keep the wolf reined in.
You got me sacked, but to forgive I'm ready.
May you find redemption, there in Slytherin.
SNAPE
I'm haunted by...
Remember now, I've been protecting Harry.
Remember now, I go to risk my skin.
The Dark Lord's back, and there's no time to tarry.
I must find redemption, here in Slytherin.
A filk by Pip to the tune of Yesterday by John Lennon and Paul McCartney
SCENE: Snape sitting alone in his office, brooding over times past.
SNAPE:
Yesterday
On Lord Voldy's team I loved to stay,
Now at Hogwarts I must make my way.
Oh, I believe in yesterday.
Suddenly,
Not the heartless fiend I used to be,
And now Potter's lording over me.
Oh, yesterday went suddenly.
Why I had to go I don't know,
I couldn't say:
I saw it was wrong,
But I long for yesterday.
Yesterday,
Friends who games of real torture play,
Now with wimps I've got to side today.
Oh, I believe in yesterday.
Mm mm mm mm mm
A filk by SmilingFalcon to the tune of Poor Unfortunate Souls from Disney's The Little Mermaid.
SCENE: A small, underground dungeon. In the middle of the room sits a small wooden table. On one side the table sits Severus Snape. Across from him (looking thoroughly disgusted) sit Alastor Moody and Barty Crouch, Sr. Standing behind Snape's chair is Albus Dumbledore.
DUMBLEDORE (spoken):
The only way we can get what we want is to have Snape spy for us
himself.
MOODY (spoken, obviously sceptical):
Do you trust him?
DUMBLEDORE (spoken):
My dear Alastor, that's what I do - it's what I live for. To trust
unfortunate Death Eaters - like Snape...
Phantom Disney music wafts through the room.
DUMBLEDORE (breaking into song):
I'll admit that Mr. Snape here is quite nasty
His character would make a dragon twitch
SNAPE
But you'll find that nowadays
I've mended all my ways
DUMBLEDORE:
Repented! To our side he'd like to switch!
MOODY:
Why?
DUMBLEDORE:
Ahh...
SNAPE:
I'll admit that I'm an adept of the Dark Arts
It's a talent that I always have possessed.
But 'cause torture's just so crass
I'll spy on your behalf
MOODY (aside to Crouch):
I think some woman
Caused an urge that was repressed!
CROUCH:
Pathetic.
DUMBLEDORE:
Our informative Snape!
His news
We need!
And if we let him live just
Long enough to get a girl
He'll relax some
Wait and see!
Oh! Our informative Snape!
MOODY (Sarcastically):
So sad!
CROUCH (Angrily):
Hey you!
This Death Eater has a cauldron
If we trust him wait and see!
He will toss us
In his brew!
SNAPE (Smiling evilly at Crouch):
That may have happened once or twice
When someone wasn't very nice...
DUMBLEDORE (aside, to Snape):
Shut up! Or a Dementor's your next date!
SNAPE (somewhat conciliatory):
Well, my temper's quite irate,
But next to Voldy, I'm a saint.
DUMBLEDORE:
Oh, our informative Snape!
MOODY:
Those Death Eaters of Voldemort's don't blabber
How else are we to find out what's in store?
So I'll agree, though I'd prefer
To lunch on dragon tur -
CROUCH (interrupting):
Why should we trust
This, greasy git now, Dumbledore?
SNAPE:
I'm no longer that impressed by blood and screaming
Guess my other motivations, if you can.
Trusting me may hurt your head
DUMBLEDORE:
Without news, we'll soon be dead!
We need clever spy and he's our man!
Come on, now, our informative Snape!
Sympathise,
Imagine,
Mr. Snape just may have suffered
From the Cruciatus curse
CROUCH:
Oh, ouch! That
Really hurts!
DUMBLEDORE:
Our informative Snape!
CROUCH:
All right!
He's in!
If Snape will spy on Voldemort
Then maybe we can win, but
One wrong move and it's a cell
In darkest Azkaban for him!
SNAPE (muttering):
Brew a potion just for you..
DUMBLEDORE (aside, sternly to Snape):
Now, Severus, we made a deal!
Snape leaves the room to begin his undercover work
DUMBLEDORE, MOODY and CROUCH:
If he's not killed we'll see him later on
When he's got news to squeal:
Our spy, informative Snape!
A filk by Highlander to the tune of Morgana's Bar from Robin, Prince of Sherwood by Rick Fenn & Peter Howarth
NB - This is very tongue in cheek, please ignore all incongruities! If you want to place it in a context it takes place early on during Philosopher's Stone and concerns TRELAWNEY'S first genuine prediction, but please don't over-analyse it :-)
QUIRRELL is lounging on SNAPE'S desk which, for tonight, is being used as a bar. Several Goblins and other such creatures sit around on stalls
QUIRRELL:
My work is very taxing
It takes it out of me
There's nothing like relaxing
In the Wizard's brewery
Where I partake of
The hair of The dog that's bitten me
I soak in the potion
Down in Severus's bar.
GOBLINS: Oh Severus!
QUIRRELL: A cocktail if you please!
GOBLINS: Oh Severus!
QUIRRELL: Mix it up for me!
QUIRRELL & GOBLINS: You Indiana Jones of alchemy
QUIRRELL:
Fill me up the Dark Lord's cup
Voldemort's speciality
SNAPE:
A pinch of iguana bile
A salamander's ear
A synthesis of all that's vile
Blended in to cheer
And I've got Voldemort's blood wine
Chillin' here on ice
The Dark Lord is my Landlord
Down in Severus's bar
GOBLINS: Oh Severus!
QUIRRELL: A cocktail if you please!
GOBLINS: Oh Severus!
QUIRRELL: Mix it up for me!
QUIRRELL & GOBLINS: You Indiana Jones of alchemy
QUIRRELL:
Fill me up the Dark Lord's cup
Voldemort's speciality
GOBLINS: Oh Severus
QUIRRELL: Dark host of my fate
GOBLINS: Oh Severus
QUIRRELL: The happy hour can wait!
QUIRRELL & GOBLINS: The sweet aroma of misery and hate
QUIRRELL: I'm running up a wicked tab
GOBLINS: Cest la vie!
QUIRRELL:
Put it on the slate!
Give it to me Brother Severus
Fellow antichrist
Line me up a vampire slammer
With ice and a slice
Say a little Avada Kedavra
And magic up a case
I've gotta say the good old Three Broomsticks'
Got nothing on this place
I'm getting loaded
GOBLINS: Loaded!
QUIRRELL: Wasted
GOBLINS: Wasted
QUIRRELL:
Intoxicated!
Totally faced in Brother Severus's bar
TRELAWNEY bursts in holding a crystal ball
TRELAWNEY:
Look in here
It's him again that damned scar-headed boy
He's stronger now
He's closer now
He could undermine your ploy
And he's not alone
There's someone else there
A boy I think
With flaming red hair
QUIRRELL:
What do you mean?
What are you saying?
TRELAWNEY:
They must be crushed
Or it's the end of you both
TRELAWNEY faints, VOLDEMORT speaks to QUIRRELL from inside his turban
VOLDEMORT:
Listen fool I damn these lies
That see this cancer multiply
This double troubles' your concern
Find them quick or I'll see you burn!
QUIRRELL:
Keep your head
Don't loose your rag
We'll sort it out
It's not that bad
SNAPE: My Landlord is the Dark Lord
QUIRRELL:
Forgive me Lord but now I think
I've seen the boy of whom she speaks
He's in the hall with Dumbledore right now
He has a scar upon his head
VOLDEMORT: You must see that he winds up dead
QUIRRELL:
I don't know
He seems so very strong
VOLDEMORT: That answer's wrong! Get on with it!
GOBLINS: Oh Severus!
QUIRRELL: A cocktail if you please!
GOBLINS: Oh Severus!
QUIRRELL:
Mix it up for me!
I'll see to it that Dumbledore
Leaves that boy alone with me!
Fill me up the Dark Lord's cup
Voldemort's specialty
GOBLINS: Oh Severus
QUIRRELL: Dark host of my fate
GOBLINS: Oh Severus
QUIRRELL: The happy hour can wait!
GOBLINS & QUIRRELL: The sweet aroma of misery and hate
QUIRRELL: I'm running up a wicked tab
GOBLINS: Cest la vie!
QUIRRELL: Put it on the slate!
To the tune of Zing! Went the Strings Of My Heart
THE SCENE: The Potions Dungeon. Enter SNAPE, immediately after his final meeting with Dumbledore toward the end of GoF
SNAPE
It seems fate frowns on me,
I feel a malady
That's haunting me with alarm.
Something tattooed on me
Deepens my agony
Dark! Went the Mark on my arm
It was the death of hope
A downward slip'ry slope
When Voldemort caused such harm.
I thought it was all past
But now I'm all aghast
Dark! Went the Mark on my arm
As we face You-Know-Who again
Albus said, "We need you again
To stage a counter-coup again.
You've got to come through!"
Shall I take Polyjuice?
Put V-Serum to use?
Or cast Unforgiven charms?
Whatever I decide
Is for now classified
Dull burns the skull on my……..
Ache goes the snake on my………
Dark went the Mark on my arm!
A filk by Gail to the tune of I Don't Know How To Love Him from Lloyd Webber's Jesus Christ Superstar
The confessions of a hopeless Snape fan
I don't know why I like him
What he does, how he does it
It's really strange, must be deranged
'Cause I read his scenes in all the books
Over and over again
So dark and yet mysterious
I don't know, he intrigues me
I'm a fan of this Snape man
But there are others in Rowling's books
Who I should like much more
Him, I adore
He's not being fair when he screams and shouts
Bullying Neville.
Chewing Harry out
Taking away House points - what's it all about?
I think it's rather funny
I'm not the only one here
Who thinks Snape is really cool
How he dealt with Black, back at the Shack
Stealing every scene
But he's so mean
I never thought I'd like this Snape - what's it all about?
Yet, if knew him in real life
I'd avoid him, I'd be frightened
Won't tolerate the way he hates
I'd be grossed out by his greasy hair
His bad teeth and large nose
I just don't know
That's how it goes
I like him, though
A filk by Pippin to the tune of That's Why The Lady is a Tramp
He gets real hungry, he could eat quarts
But they don't serve type A blood at Hogwarts
And Dumble would grumble, if people he ate
Cause he knows Snapey is a vamp.
If he's a vampire, Severus Snape,
That explains why he keeps swishing his cape
And why Quirrell kept garlic next to his nape
Because ol' Snapey is a vamp
He loves his long, black, greasy hair
Eyes that can scare
He's mean, but he's OK
He hated Potter for being a champ
Did James know Snapey is a vamp?
Doesn't like Harry, Hermione or Ron
He's seldom in sunlight, he always looks drawn
He never laughs with the rest of the throng
Because ol' Snapey is a vamp
A filk by Veresna Ussep to the tune of Cher's Believe
No matter how hard I try
I can't keep my panties dry
When I think of Snape
And his mouth on my nape
I hope J. K. Rowling ain't teasin'
'Cause I find the notion quite pleasin'
I've read the signs, I've seen the clues
And I gotta believe it's true-oh-
(Chorus)
Do you believe that Snape is a Vamp (is a Vamp, is a Vamp is a Vamp)
Everytime he swoops just like a bat
I really don't think there's doubt of that
Oh, yes I believe that Snape is Vamp (is a Vamp, is a Vamp is a Vamp)
I can feel something inside me say
I really don't think I'm wrong on that, oh
What else is he supposed to be?
Just a tortured entity?
Well, I don't buy that
He looks too good in black
The way his nose sniffs and quivers
It really gives me the shivers
Sev, if it's fresh blood you crave
I'll gladly be your love slave, oh
(Chorus)
Do you believe that Snape is a Vamp (is a Vamp, is a Vamp is a Vamp)
Everytime he swoops just like a bat
I really don't think there's doubt of that
Oh, yes I believe that Snape is Vamp (is a Vamp, is a Vamp is a Vamp)
I can feel something inside me say
I really don't think I'm wrong on that, oh
Well, I'm hoping that he'll bite me
And, I know it won't take long
I'll be his forever more
Oh, I'll be his forever more
Yeah, I'll be his forever more
Oh, I'll be his forever more
(Chorus)
Do you believe that Snape is a Vamp (is a Vamp, is a Vamp is a Vamp)
Everytime he swoops just like a bat
I really don't think there's doubt of that
Oh, yes I believe that Snape is Vamp (is a Vamp, is a Vamp is a Vamp)
I can feel something inside me say
I really don't think I'm wrong on that, oh
Repeat and dance until the music fades
A filk by Veresna Ussep to the tune of I Dreamed a Dream from Les Miserables
SNAPE:
Now is the time, I'm in my prime
My voice is so soft
And my words so biting
There was a time, ambition-blind
All I had was a scheme
And the scheme was exciting
There was a time
But it all went wrong
I schemed a scheme in time gone by
The Shrieking Shack, it was a puzzle
What did the Whomping Willow hide?
A beast unchained, without a muzzle
Marauders Black and Lupin knew
And Potter too, so vain and haughty
They hung around with Pettigrew
No prank unplanned, no trick too naughty
But, the werewolf comes at night
When the moonlight casts her dark spell
As he turns your hope to fright
As he blows your plans to hell
Oh, yes, I almost died that night
While Black just watched, and laughed and waited
For there was no escape in sight
Then he was gone-and Potter came…
And to that git I owed my life
And I knew somewhere, somehow, someday-
The thought cut through me like a knife
That was a debt I'd have to repay
I had scheme my job would be
So different from this post I'm filling
So different know than what I dreamed-
Marauders spoiled the scheme I schemed
A filk by Veresna Ussep to the tune of Master of the House from Les Miserables
SNAPE:
I'm Professor Snape
Don't get in my way
If you try to fool me there'll be hell to pay
Neville is a dolt
Weasley is a geek
Granger is a know-it-all who loves to speak
Potter's always sneaking somewhere
Thinks he's quite above the rules
He's just like his father
I'd rather not be stuck with all these fools
My hair and eyes are black
So are all my clothes
If you want to stay alive don't talk about my nose
Hogwarts is my school
Potions is my class
Those who try to cheat will always wind up on their ass!
Better keep your cauldron boiling
Never know what's next in store
Nothing here is easy
So my hair is greasy-
But I've never ever been a bore!
A filk by Veresna Ussep to the tune of On My Own from Les Miserables
SNAPE:
All alone
You see, that's how I like it
Company-I've found I quite dislike it
In stillness,
With no one else around me
I wrap myself in lovely black, and emptiness surrounds me
All alone, my dungeon's dark and drafty
Here I sit: so still, so sly, so crafty
The students, they call me cruel and frosty
For I am head of Slytherin, and no one dares to cross me
Solitude, that's all I ask of life
Can't you leave me where I am, just go away?
You may think you understand my strife
But, I say-there's no way you may
That Potter, he really drives me crazy
What a dolt, so over-proud and lazy
Respected- I just don't understand it
Why Dumbledore adores him so- it's really hard to stand it
I hate him-with every breath I'm yearning
For his death, that curse within me burning
Without him, my life would be so perfect
The house cup would be mine again, we'd never ever lose
I hate him
I hate him
I hate him
Just let me be alone
A filk by Veresna Ussep to the tune of Jingle Bells
SNAPE
Casting spells, casting spells
Cursing all the way
Oh, what fun it is to hex
A Gryffindor each day
Casting spells, casting spells
Cursing all the way
Oh, what fun is it to hex
A Gryffindor each day
Slinking through the halls
With a sneer upon my face
The students hug the walls
Away from me they race
Hearing students squeak
Because they're scared as hell
Oh, what fun it is to sneak
Behind them and to yell
Casting spells, casting spells
Cursing all the way
Oh, what fun it is to hex
A Gryffindor each day
Casting spells, casting spells
Cursing all the way
Oh, what fun is it to hex
A Gryffindor each day
A day or two ago
That Potter brat did try
To sneak out of the school
With Weasley by his side
I knew something was up
And so I cast a spell
It made his stupid cloak dissolve
And now he's mad as hell
Casting spells, casting spells
Cursing all the way
Oh, what fun it is to hex
A Gryffindor each day
Casting spells, casting spells
Cursing all the way
Oh, what fun is it to hex
A Gryffindor each day
Longbottom is next
He's such an easy mark
I'll curse his stupid toad
That should break his heart
And last of all you see
There's Granger, she will learn
Sometimes it's best to close your mouth
And not talk out of turn
Casting spells, casting spells
Cursing all the way
Oh, what fun it is to hex
A Gryffindor each day
Casting spells, casting spells
Cursing all the way
Oh, what fun is it to hex
A Gryffindor each day
A filk by Gail to the tune of Honey Pie by the Beatles
He was a Death Eater with Lord Voldemort
Now he's mixing potions beside Dumbledore
All of the Snape fans out there are who I'm speaking for:
Severus, you have caught my attention
Would you give me detention? There I could speak my mind
Oh, Severus, I think that you're Dead Sexy
If you want you can hex me anyplace, anytime
I don't agree with the way you treat Harry
But when you're acting snarky then I can feel my heart beat
Oh, Severus, your actions are a complex thing
I find it so perplexing - but still I think you're fine
Severus, I think you're fine
Oooo! Yeah!
I like him like that, ooo-ah!
I like him dark and mysterious, dark and mysterious...does something
to me,
That sexy Potions Master
Will we learn by the last book of the series
The reason for you leavin' Voldy?
De, de, de
Now, Severus, in you Dumbledore's trusting
I feel this song I must sing: won't you please be mine?
Please, please be mine Severus Snape!
Severus, Severus
A filk by Gail to the tune of A Matter Of Trust by Billy Joel
RON (to Hermione):
This Snape, he is a horrible guy
But now they tell us that this person is one of our spies
I am finding this hard to believe
I think Snape has got something up his sleeve
You're saying I'm only being dumb
If we can't trust Dumbledore than we can't trust anyone
And that ought to be enough
Because Snape is somebody Dumbledore trusts
I know they say that he risked his life
When he left You-Know-Who and joined us on Dumbledore's side
I've never seen any proof
That him swapping sides is really the truth
And so he's been instructing Harry
Some kind of mind defense but hearing this rather scares me
We know he hates Harry's guts
Tell me why should we trust?
Teaching Occulmancy
There is a good chance he's
Not trying to help
Opening his mind with those spells
You say I should look at the facts
And that I have a tendency now to over-react
I should have faith in Dumbledore
And you point out how I've been wrong before
Like the time we were in our first year
Was Quirrell's hex that made Harry's new broomstick start to veer
Snape helped Harry on his Nimbus
And so you say in him we should also trust
Wearing the Dark Mark he
Was in the hierarchy
Of the Death Eaters
How do we know he's not a cheater?
Remember how Snape once reacted?
He tied Lupin up in the Shack and he wanted Black dead
And I'm sure you can also recall
The day when he called you a Know-It-All
The way this git behaves is a clue
That he remains a Death Eater faithful to You-Know-Who
I'll continue to think thus
Will be a long time before he earns my trust
Before he earns my trust
He is the last person I'm gonna trust
A filk by Salazar to the tune of Master of the House from Les Miz.
SNAPE
Good God above
This world is nuts
Why love a boy
Who just loves to strut?
Like Dad, like son
Potter I hate
This Boy Who Lived's
Got me in a state.
Potter's a has-been
Potter's just a pill
He's not in Slytherin
So his worth is nil!
Potter is a drip
Potter is a rat
Potter's just a Gryffindor
Whose head's too fat.
Bloody little scum
Love to see him twitch
I hate Potter, Weasley
And that Mudblood witch.
And he's got this awful talent
Out there on the Quidditch field
Other teachers think his fame is from
Hardships a ruddy shield!
Potter is a drip
Potter is a schmuck
Potter's just another kid
With too much luck.
Got his father's face
And his mother's eyes
But always his father
Do I recognize!
And he's got this damn Godfather
Who is just a royal prig
God, I'm bloody furious
Sirius wormed his way out of the brig!
SLYTHERINS
Potter is a drip
Makes us all look bad
SNAPE
And his potions average
Is rather sad
SLYTHERINS
Just another dumb
Old flash in the pan
DRACO
And he put my poor father
In Azkaban!
SNAPE
I remember when his father
Loved to get me oh, so pissed
Daddy got my anger
Mom, she got my rancor
I didn't rank her high upon my list.
Dear Dumbledore
That kid's a pain
Occlumency
Can go down the drain!
He's just a brat
From hell for me
That scum looked at my
Worst memory!
He may be our light
He may be our hope
But for me he's just blight
Oh, that bloody dope!
Potter is a drip
Who the Dark Lord fought
But, who cares when he
Looked at my private thoughts!
Just because I want
Voldemort in Heck
Until Voldy's dead
I'll save that Potter's neck.
But no matter what you tell me,
My memories he so defiled.
DUMBLEDORE
Severus, you realize
That you are acting like a child!
SNAPE
Potter is a drip
Not worth half my time
I think he's a reprobate
Is that a crime?
Oh, that Umbridge hag
Might not be so dim
But I'm on Probation all
Because of him!
And his little fights with Voldy
Oh, good lord they're such a farce!
SLYTHERINS
All our dads he foiled!
Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle
Toil to defeat his bloody arse!
SLYTHERINS
Potter is a drip
Makes us all look bad
SNAPE
And his potions average
Is rather sad
SLYTHERINS
Just another dumb
Old flash in the pan
DRACO
And he put my poor father
In Azkaban!
SNAPE
He's got no regard for order
Treats the schools rules like they're mold
His chaos never ceases
Order goes to pieces
Creases always end up in the fold.
DUMBLEDORE
I used to think
Snape was above the games
That used to be played by
Sirius Black and James...
Potter isn't bad
There are bad things he did
But lighten up now, Severus
He's just a kid!
Why, he's not that proud
Though he's insecure
As to breaking rules,
Some can't resist the lure.
What a cruel trick of nature
Put him in that Muggle house
God knows how he lasted living
With old Dursley and his spouse!
SLYTHERINS & SNAPE
Potter is a drip!
DUMBLEDORE
No, you've got it wrong!
It is all our mission
To guide him along.
Everybody vote for Potter!
SNAPE
The kid is on an ego trip!
DUMBLEDORE
Arrogant prick? What a laugh!
SLYTHERINS and SNAPE
We want to snap his wand in half!
SNAPE
But I'm still on his behalf despite the fact that he's a drip!
A filk by Salazar to the tune of Was I Wazir from Kismet.
Confessions of a Hopeless Snape Fan, Part II
SNAPE
Who caught those sniveling Gryffindors?
Who went into my private stores?
Who acted the part of the louse?
The head of Slyth'rin house!
When Longbottom's cauldron sprung a leak
And let out a frightened squeak
Who taunted him for being so weak?
The head of Slyth'rin house!
I have a way of making classes listen without too much work.
Subtle as Cauldron leaks!
They always pay more attention just when I threaten detention
For hours and hours and days and days and weeks
By weeks!
When the werewolf brought his old friend back
And thought they'd be too hard to track
Who caught him and his buddy, Black?
The head of Slyth'rin house.
The time we got that turbaned idiot of Voldemort's
I took him for a ride!
I cornered him in the hallways and gave him dirty looks all day
For I knew he was never really on
Our side!
When, at last, by being mean and curt
I've made the students feel like dirt,
If I'm not killed or badly hurt...
I'll be a myth,
A monolith!
The head of Slyth-
Rin house!
A filk by Manda to the tune of REM's Bad Day.
HARRY: An impossible potions lesson,
Has now come around again.
Snape drives me out of my mind,
Every day.
NEVILLE: My potion's so thick,
You couldn't stir with a stick,
RON: This grey colour isn't quite supposed to be here now!!
SEAMUS: I'm sick of being jerked around,
By a greasy haired ol' thing.
HARRY: The bell casts out a joyful noise,
When the end of this class comes
HERMIONE: Count your blessings
RON: We're sick of being jerked.a-round….
When Snape comes.a-round.
HARRY: Have you ever seen Snape's happy eyes,
Or a smile on his face arise?
RON: No, he can't even dance,
With ants in pants,
HARRY: Even is we looked behind the eyes,
It's a hell of a hollow place inside,
Evil thoughts, Death Eater guys,
Smoking tattoo of a skull,
SEAMUS: The bell seems such a joyful noise,
Potions class is rotten
HERMIONE: Counts your blessings,
You'll survive every pot-ions class no doubt.
RON (moaning): No More!!
HARRY: It's been a bad day,
Please don't make me face Snape,
RON: It's been a bad day,
NEVILLE: Pleeeeaaassseeee….
HARRY: It's been a bad day,
Please, I can't bear to face Snape,
RON: It's been a bad day,
NEVILLE: Pleeeeaaaaassssseeee….
NEVILLE: I'm diggin' deep,
The cauldron's steep,
My wand fell in,
I can't bear to peek,
RON: If the sun burned out,
The water went dry,
Snape would blame it,
On one of us guys,
HARRY: Sure, students are to be treated equal,
But snape comes in,
And gives good marks to Draco.
Seamus: Takes points from our House,
RON: He can't stand Gryffindor.
Lavendar Brown: We sneeze and cough- our marks go down
HARRY: The bell casts such a joyful noise,
Lets get out of here,
Harmione: Counts your blessings,
Ignore the snide remarks,
RON: No,
HERMIONE: Yes,
HARRY: We cant,
Because..
It's been a bad day,
We just cannot stand Snape,
RON (nodding in agreement): Its been a bad day,
Yeeeesssssss….
HARRY: It's been a bad day,
Please don't let us face Snape,
It's been a bad day,
Pleeeeeaaasssssseeee….
A filk by Catherine Johnson to the tune of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
You know Flitwick and Lockhart
And Vector and Moody
McGonagall, Quirrell
Trelawney and Moony
But do you recall...
The most hated teacher of all?
Sev'rus, the hated teacher
Had a long and hook'ed nose
He was tall and imposing
Always dressing in black clothes
Most of the Hogwarts students
Hated him and cursed his name
Treating his students cruelly
That was Sev'rus' claim to fame!
Then one dark and tragic night
Albus came to say
"Sev'rus, in our time of need
Won't you help us, this I plead?"
Then all the students...Well, OK, they all still pretty much hated him, cuz, c'mon, he's a JERK, and really, just cuz he's on OUR side doesn't mean he can get away with treating students like that, I mean really........!
A filk by Catherine Johnson to The Night Before Christmas by Clement C. Moore.
'Tis the night before Christmas and here in the castle
I'm still wrapping presents--egad! What a hassle
I plan to give presents to all of the kids
And the teachers and Filch, and yes, even Hagrid
I'll even wrap one for myself--aren't I clever?
Then they'll never guess it was me--no, not ever!
I don't know what's caused this odd holiday cheer
But it keeps getting stronger as Christmas draws near
So gifts I will give, of books, candies and toys
For all Hogwarts girls and all Hogwarts boys
I shall use a charm to make the gifts small
How else do you think I could carry them all?
Then I'll take them up, just as quick as can be
And sneak out and put them all under the tree
Ah yes, there is it, what a beautiful sight
And no one will know what I've done here tonight
For quiet I'll be, and clever and sly
I'll be less than shadow as I slither by
And place the gifts hither and thither and yon
And then, like a memory, I'll simply be gone
For Slytherin! Ravenclaw! Both these and more!
For Hufflepuff! Yes! And even Gryffindor!
I'll slip under the tree! They never will know!
And then, and then, and then I will go!
But wait, what is this; is some else here?
I get this odd feeling, like someone is near
It's Potter, if course; why'd it have to be him?
He snuck out, I suppose, on some stupid whim.
Perhaps if I'm quiet, and don't make a sound
He'll stay where he is, and he won't turn around.
Yes, stay here I will, until that brat leaves
Now what was that sound? Oh, pro'bly just Peeves.
But then Potter turns, and looks me right in the eyes
"Oh, damn," I exclaim. "Professor!?" he cries.
"What are you doing," the boy asks with a sneer.
"I could ask you the same; you shouldn't be here!
You're out after curfew, you know that's not right
Do you want detention on Christmas eve night?"
"No, sir," he replies, sounding awfully contrite
Which is good; I'm not in the mood for a fight.
He looks at the bag I've slung over my shoulder
And takes a step forward, looking a bit bolder
"Those are presents, aren't they? Who are they for?"
"That's none of your business, Potter, don't be a boor.
Just leave me alone here and go back to bed
And get thoughts of this night right straight out of your head."
At this, he shrugs and heads out of the hall
Well, now that that's over--presents for all!
Christmas day dawns, so clear and so bright
And mysterious presents showed up in the night
All the kids are so happy, they can't wait to see
And, oh look, some new potion books all just for me
So they eat and they play, and they can't help ask, "Who?"
But they never will know--well, perhaps one or two.
Before I depart, I must not fail to mention:
"Happy Christmas to all, and to Potter--DETENTION!"
A filk by Iggy McSnurd to the tune of Secret Agent Man by Johnny Rivers
There's a wizard who leads a life of danger
To every kid he teaches, he stays a stranger.
With every lie he states, another chance he takes
Odds are he won't live to teach tomorrow
Secret agent Snape
Secret agent Snape
You're giving information,
But who's side are you on?
Beware the different faces that you find
Any face can hide an evil mind
Be careful what you say, you'll give yourself away
Odds are you won't live to teach tomorrow.
A filk by Indigo Ziona to the tune of The Ugly Duckling
Danny Kaye sang 'The Ugly Duckling'. I'm not sure who wrote it. It's quite a cute song. There's a clip (the first verse) under 'Hans Christian Anderson' here
There once was a Hogwarts student
He became a cruel Death Eater
Going back to Hogwarts: he went there straight away
"I'm now not a cruel Death Eater
Voldemort arrives and glares at him
"Er… Hail the Dark Lord."
A filk by Star Opal to the tune of One For My Baby by Ella Fitzgerald
Okay, sure he don't beam,
This one's for old Sevvy
Yeah, know the routine,
This one's for old Sevvy
Yeah we all know it
Well that's how it goes,
This one's for old Sevvy
Made it through One, Two, Three, and Four
A filk by Richard to the tune of Phil Collin's Just Another Day In Paradise
HARRY:
Oh, work fast,
He walks over to Longbottom's chair,
Oh, work fast,
Oh no!
Oh, work fast,
Fade
A filk by The Final Stillness of Saturn to the tune of Stacy's Mom by Fountains of Wayne.
Professor Snape is really very great.
Snapey, can I come back here after school? (after school)
You know, I'm not the potions kid that I used to be.
Professor Snape is really very great.
Professor Snape is really very great.
Snapey, do you remember when I cleaned your room? (cleaned your room)
And I know that you think that I'm just a loony,
Professor Snape is really very great.
Professor Snape is really very great.
Wait a minute,
A filk by R.J. Lupin to the tune of the same name from the musical Bye Bye Birdie
Just general Snape complaining-about-stuff, it takes place in the first year.
SNAPE:
Scars!
Kids!
(sung)
And while we're on the subject
A filk by Murasaki to the tune of White Flag by Dido
Severus Snape stands at the Pensieve waiting for Harry to come for his Occlumency lessons, taking out strands of memory and placing them in the bowl. He stares down into the swirling silver surface and speaks to the memories inside.
SNAPE (singing to James's memory):
And it's so hard not to make Harry suffer
'Cause this memory I won't forget,
You know you gave me too much shame
And though I did save Harry in first year from Quirrell
'Cause this memory I won't forget,
When Occlumency
'Cause this memory I won't forget,
A filk by Jason LeBouef to the tune of I Am A Rock by Simon & Garfunkel
The second verse is original to the song. I couldn't think of a new
one so I left it. It fits.
SNAPE:
I am a shmuck
I built walls, a fortress deep and mighty
I am a shmuck
And speak of hate, well I hate those Gryffindors
I am a shmuck
I have my books, and my potions there to protect me
I am a shmuck
And a shmuck is jerk
A filk by Wolfwoman to the tune of Baby Got Back from Sir Mix-A-Lot
Oh, my, god. Hermione, look at his scowl.
[Lady Snarks-a-Lot]
A filk by Ginger to the tune of Me and
Bobby McGee, words and music by Kris Kristofferson (most popularly sung by Janis Joplin)
This is one of those filks where the singer would probably rather
eat slugs than sing it.
SNAPE (at no particular match) sings:
CHORUS
From the time kids are firsties, to the time they're grown and done
CHORUS
La-da-da-da-da-da
Well, I call her my cohort, I call her my friend
A filk by Antosha Chekhonte to the tune of The Ballad of Sweeney Todd from Sondhiem's Sweeney Todd
Attend the tale of Sevvy Snape
He ran his classes underground.
Hate those Potter boys, Sevvy!
He plays the villain like no one can:
Unmistakable, Sevvy was,
Attend the tale of Sevvy Snape.
A filk by Desiderata atte Sneppe to the tune of Love Potion #9 written by Jerry Leiber and Mike Stoller and performed by The Clovers, and The Searchers
SNAPE:
James thought himself a god with his broom-tricks,
Been a Marked man, now, for many a year,
I close my mind,
From Azkaban, Headmaster's kept me safe.
I close my mind,
From Azkaban, Headmaster's kept me safe.
A filk by Tann the tune of Randy Scouse Git by Micky Dolenz of the Monkees
He's a mean potions master and he's Snape, all Snape,
Through five books by JKR he has been stalking like a crow
Why don't you wash your hair? Why don't you be more fair?
Now they've brightened Snape in fanfic, so he won't seem such a wretch.
Why don't you cut your loss? Why must you be so cross?
Scatting:
Slytherinny Ginny ninny whinny Guinea shinny skinny Vinnie Binnie finny tinny mini, etc.
Why don't you wash your hair? Why don't you be more fair?
Why don't you cut your loss? Why must you be so cross?
Sung simultaneously with:
He's a mean potions master and he's Snape, all Snape,
A filk by Ginger to the tune of Matchmaker! Matchmaker! from Fiddler
on the Roof
SNAPE, alone in his classroom, contemplates his students and
teaching methods.
SNAPE:
Dunderheads! Dunderheads!
Dear Albus, send me a scholar.
Dunderheads, Dunderheads,
SNAPE runs to the chairs, as though envisioning the students who
usually sit there
Neville, oh, Neville, 'twas an honest lad's mistake.
Harry! Keep talking, I'll take it all in stride.
Did you think 'twould be OK
SNAPE sighs, and returns to his chair
Dunderheads, dunderheads,
Hermione, 'side from the dental,
Dunderheads, Dunderheads.
To the tune of Superstition by Sevvie - I mean Stevie Wonder
THE SCENE: The Potions Dungeon. Enter SEVERUS SNAPE
SNAPE: Greetings, loyal fans. Perhaps you have been wondering how it is that, year after year, I get away with such blatant emotional abuse of my students - not to mention my manifest dereliction of duty such as failing to inform my colleagues and superiors when I halted Potter's Occlumency lessons. The answer is quite simple, and is perhaps one you've had occasion to observe in your own place of humble Muggle employment…….
Little supervision, Dumble's laissez-faire
Since they ignore the things they shouldn't overlook
Little supervision, no chain of command
Since they ignore the things they shouldn't overlook
Very superficial performance review
Since they ignore the things they shouldn't overlook
A filk by Ginger to the tune of Love Potion #9 by the Searchers
The challenge was set for me: write a Sexy!Snape filk. Easy enough,
I thought. The challenge continued: a la Alan Rickman. Now we hit
a snagging point. Rickman is indeed a hottie, but my Sexy!Snape came
off the pages themselves.
But, Rickman or canon, all the Snape fangirls agree: That potion
master's fine.
There's a professor in the Potter books.
Some scour the books to see what makes him tick.
They say he's a jerk and a git and a dink,
His silky voice just fills us with delight.
A filk by The Dark Evil One to the tune of I Believe In A Thing Called Love by The Darkness
A SMITTEN STUDENT:
I'm in love with a man called Snape
I think about him every minute, every hour, every day
I'm in love with a man called Snape
Get down!!!
Rock out; show images of Snape being magical and Snape-ish
Teaching you!!
I'm in love with a man called Snape
Ah-ah-ah-ah!!!
A filk by The Dark Evil One to the tune of ZZ Top's Sharp-Dressed Man
SNAPE:
Cold sneer, silky voice
Dark looks, dark eyes
A filk by The Dark Evil One to the tune of David Bowie's China Girl
(Oh-oh-oh-oh, bitter Potions Man…
I won't escape detention with the Potions Man
I'm a mess without my bitter Potions Man
I feel the magic like I'm under his spell
I stumble into class, not caring if I pass
My bitter Potions Man, please don't take points from me
And when I get annoying, my bitter Potions Man says,
And when I get annoying, my bitter Potions Man says,
(Oh-oh-oh-oh, bitter Potions Man…
A filk by iTickleSleepingDragons to the tune of Joni Mitchell's Both Sides Now
Disclaimer: I hate Snape. I hate fangirls who write sympathetic poems about Snape. Yet, here's mine.
SNAPE:
But now his son is in my class
I've looked at Prongs from both sides now
Mudbloods tortured Muggles scared
But now I want my evil cured
I've looked at war from both sides now
Going back to school in fall
But now I'm sick of potion brews
I've looked at life from both sides now
A filk by Salazar to the tune of Dentist from Little Shop of Horrors.
SNAPE
I am a teacher!
SLYTHERIN STUDENTS
SNAPE
I am your teacher
And though it may seem a tiny bit cruel
Who liked to show all he knew
But this annoys less talented boys
Who said: "We don't like you
O Snape, we don't
O Snape, we don't
No Snape, we don't like you."
And they tricked him to the willow with a great
werewolf
And proved that it was true.
Who did almost every curse
And all his victims said before they dropped dead
"You, Snape, you are the worst!
O Snape, you are
O Snape, you are
Yes Snape, you are the worst!"
Yet no other Death Eaters did decide to betray
But Snape became the first
Ashamed to show his face, afraid of what others might
say
To his headmaster, the great Albus Dumbledore
Who looked so very sad, but then soon he agreed
"You'll be such a fine spy indeed"
"A spy? Me, a spy? Oh, but why?"
And he said, "Yes, you're a spy.
Why don't you try to trick Voldemort and you'll see"
And he tried, and he saw, and he said,
"I am a spy! Wheeeeeeee!"
Can you believe that it's true?
For in fact all the while, my fangirls would smile
And say, 'We all love you.
O Snape, we do
O Snape, we do.'
Not a poison, not a curse, no one says I'm the worst
And I'm doing fine (till one more guilty outburst)
And I'm one sneaky spy!
Say who's an cruel Death Eater?
Not I!"
(This) One's For Old Sevvy
And his eyes don't hold cryptic gleams
Just blame it on Jo'
Uses adverbs like silkily
Makes his robes billow
That good and bad blend
True, sallow skinned, bad teeth, hook nosed
Even though he hates that toad
He's greasy, and ugly, and really mean
Sometimes he goes quite mad
Not the sort you'd look for in an ad
He's important - he's important to plot
Knows a lot
In ex-Death Eater mode
Even though he hates that toad
With potions he's a kind of poet
"Brew glory... stopper death," likes to say
Dark and gloomy, still think he's super groovy
'Fraid it'll stay that way
Jo pretty soon the books will close
And I do fear
He might not survive Harry's seventh year
There's two - there's two more rounds
To a pulp he may be ground
Unclear his future road
Even though hates that toad
With Five that leaves just two - two more
This one's for old Sevvy
Even though he hates that toad
Just Another Day in Potions Class
He calls my name with his usual sneer,
"Potter, you are late."
"I will take away all your cheer,
Ten points I think I will take."
He calls on, ignores dirty looks,
He pretends he can't see them.
I start to open my thick Potions book,
Guess he's wood that will not bend.
It's just another day for you and me in Potions Class,
Oh, work fast,
It's just another day for you-
You and me in Potions Class.
Just think about it…
His beetles have been frying.
Thick black smoke billows into the air,
Snape flunks him for trying.
It's just another day for you and me in Potions Class,
Oh, work fast,
It's just another day for you-
You and me in Potions Class.
Just think about it…
Is there anything that Dumbledore can do?
Oooohhhh no!
There must be a curse that you can say!
You can tell why he hates me so much,
You see, my father teased him.
Probably been teased till his brain went to mush,
Because he just didn't fit in.
It's just another day for you and me in Potions Class,
Oh, work fast,
It's just another day for you-
You and me in Potions Class.
Just think about it…
Just think about it…
It's just another day for you and me-
Potions Class
Just another day for you and me-
Potions Class…Potions, Potions Class…
Just another day for you and me-
Potions Class…
Professor Snape
Professor Snape is really very great.
Professor Snape is really very great.
Professor Snape is really very great.
I think the dungeon is quite cool. (dungeon is cool)
Did your brew get done or is it still thick? (is it thick?)
Can you forget teaching and can I give you a lick? (give you a lick)
I've rather changed now, Snapey can't you see?
He's all I want, and I think it must be fate.
Harry, can't you see, you're just not the guy for me.
I think I've found a mate, 'cause I'm in love with my dear Snape.
Professor Snape is really very great.
You just came out and handed me a broom. (me a broom)
I could tell you liked me from the way you stared (way you stared)
And the way you said, "You missed a toad over there." (toad over there)
But since your not busy, you just could spend some time with me.
He's all I want, and I think it must be fate.
Harry, can't you see, you're just not the guy for me.
I think I've found a mate, 'cause I'm in love with my dear Snape.
He's all I want, and I think it must be fate.
Harry, can't you see, you're just not the guy for me.
I think I've found a mate. I'm in love with my dear Snape, oh.
I'm in love with my dear Snape, oh.
Harry, can't you see, you're just not the guy for me.
I think I've found a mate, 'cause I'm in love with my dear Snape.
Kids!
Do you know what's wrong with these kids today?
Kids!
Chuck 'em out and then lock them all away!
Kids!
An idiot or insuff'rable know-it-all!
Trouble making, cauldron breaking
Morons!
And while we're on the subject
Potter thinks he's a real celeb with one!
Scars!
So he lived, so what, 'cause what's done is done!
And yet all of my students
Worship him and I say
What's the matter with kids today?!
(spoken, imitating Harry Potter)
I'm Harry Potter, worship me because of the injury on my forehead!
(sung)
Kids!
(spoken, imitating Hermione Granger raising her hand)
Oh! Call on me! I suffer from Know-it-all-ititus!
(sung)
Kids!
(spoken, imitating Neville Longbottom melting a cauldron)
Oops! Golly gee, I'm hopeless! That's the...never mind, I forgot how to count.
Dunderheads with
A brain of lead
Dumbbells!
Kids!
They are always putting toes out of line!
Kids!
What they need is a smack on their behind!
I'd curse them on purpose if
I taught DADA!
What's the matter with kids today?!?!
Grey Panties
I know you think that I shouldn't still hate you
For things long past.
But since you really hurt me-- the shame, I still feel it--
How can I forgive?
In return for what you did.
And it's so painful now to remember:
That time you showed my grey panties to the school.
I hold this grudge, and I always will.
And tormenting to bear with grace.
And you caused me nothing but trouble;
Still I cannot talk to your friends face to face.
That doesn't mean I forgive you.
And it's so painful now to remember:
That time you showed my grey panties to the school.
I hold this grudge, and I always will.
Lessons I give,
I'll hide this thought
In my Pensieve,
But if he peeks,
Father like son,
He will know well
I've not moved on . . .
And it's so painful now to remember:
That time you showed my grey panties to the school.
I hold this grudge, and I always will.
I Am A Shmuck
A winter's day, in a damp and darkened dungeon
I am alone
Gazing at my potions hanging on the wall
I have no love and yes I frighten all
I am a weener
That none may penetrate
I have no need for friendship, friendship causes pain
It's laughter and it's loving I disdain
I am a weener
They're seething in my memory
I just despise that Potter, his actions do I chide
I'm so happy that his parents went and died
I am a weener
I'm shieded in my armor
Hiding in my room, sulking in my gloom
I touch no one and no one touches me
I am a weener
And a weener such as I
Sevvy Got Snark
It is so sexy. *drool* He looks like,
one of those goth gods.
But, y'know, who understands those dark, brooding types? *drool *
He only scowls, like,
'cause he's hiding a tortured soul , 'kay?
I mean, his sneer, is just so sexy. *mmm*
I can't believe he's just so gorgeous, like,
wow, I mean - sexy! Look!
His mood is so... black!
I like your snark and I can not lie
All the Slytherins can't deny
That when Snape walks in with a scowl on his face
And a finger in your face
You get hot, wanna pull him up tough
'Cause you notice he struts his stuff
Deep in the robes he's wearing
I'm hooked and I can't stop staring
Oh Sevvy, I wanna get wit'cha
And take your picture
My homegirls tried to warn me
But with that scowl you got makes me feel so horny
Ooh, sexy man of doom
You say you wanna go to my room?
Well, use me, use me
'Cause you ain't no average Snapey
I've seen them dancin'
The hell with romancin'
He's hot, as heck
He'll be showin' up ol' Draco's dreck
I'm tired of magazines
Sayin' nice guys are the thing
Take the average Slyth girl and ask her that
She wants a snark attack!
So, ladies (Yeah!) ladies! (Yeah!)
Has your master got the snark? (Hell yeah!)
because it's Snape yeah!! (Snape yeah!!)Snape yeah! (Snape yeah!)
Give us that sexy snark!
Sevvy got snark!
(Chocolate eyes and a chocolate voice)
Sevvy got snark!
Me and Minnie McG
Waiting at the Quidditch pitch, vict'ry to attain.
My accustomed black robes traded in for green.
Weasley thumped a Bludger down, Flint is out again,
Angelina just scored goal thirteen.
I cursed Harry Potter, and his second red banana,
Who's Keeping missed a lot, to tell the truth.
Snitch was caught in too short time,
I's shaking Minnie's hand with mine.
Victory was hers again, I knew.
Quidditch is another word I hate to pair with lose.
Losing, I hate losing up against McG.
Yeah, winning sure was easy, before Potter came to cruise.
Yeah winning, it was good enough for me.
Winning against good old Minnie McG.
Minnie and I share a single goal-
A good education, a house cup to be won,
But Quidditch really is the heart and soul.
With Draco on our team, oh no, he lets it slip away.
He's looking for that Snitch, and I hope he finds it.
But I'd trade all the Crabbes and Goyles for the team of yesterday
To be holding Minnie's trophy that was mine.
La-da-da-da-da
La-da-da-da-da-da
Minnie McG, yeah
La-da-da-da-da-da
La-da-da-da-da
La-da-da-da-da-da
Minnie McG.
La-da-da La-da-da-da-da-da La-da-da
La-da-da-da-da-da La-da-da
Hey, my Minnie, Minnie, Minnie McG, Yeah.
Lo-da-lo-da-lo-da-lo-da-lo-da-lo-da-lo-da yeah,
Hey, my Minnie, Minnie, Minnie McG.
I said I call her my colleague, With her to the end, c'mon
Hey now Minnie, now, Hey now, Minnie McG, yeah
La-da La-da La-da La-da La-da La-da La-da La
Hey, Hey, Hey, Minnie McG. Yeah
The Ballad of Sevvy Snape
His skin was pale, and his mind opaque.
He taught the children of wizard-kind
How to brew potions or block others' minds.
He played a role that few would take,
Did Sevvy Snape,
The Potions Master of Hogwarts.
For fear and loathing they were renowned.
And what if students all passed their OWLs?
He always judged progress by volume of howls,
Did Sevvy,
Did Sevvy Snape,
The Potions Master of Hogwarts.
Mutter something snide!
Make them pay--they'll rue the day they pricked your pride....
The lank dark hair and the ashen tan.
In every book he's a herring red,
Suspicions against him are best left unsaid
'Gainst Sevvy,
'Gainst Sevvy Snape
The Potions Master of Hogwarts.
Sharp and bitter and tart, he was.
Back of his smile, under his hat,
Sevvy took points at the drop of a bat.
Sevvy muttered, and Sevvy brewed,
Like decoction of slugs, he stewed.
Sevvy was swift, Sevvy was subtle
Sevvy would blink, and students would scuttle.
Sevvy, Sevvy, Sevvy, Sevvy, Sevvy!
His teaching style was just short of rape.
A villain's noose or a hero's crown?
We won't ever know till the last book goes down
'Bout Sevvy,
'Bout Sevvy Snape
The Potions Master of Hogwarts.
Potions in Dungeon Nine
I've had my troubles down at Hogwarts School.
Celebrity makes Potter quite the fool.
But, dunderhead or not, I still must teach him the sublime,
Though he can have no love for --
Potions in Dungeon Nine.
For seven long years I withstood his kicks.
Can't stand it that he saved me when his friend had gone lupine,
Whose status I now guard through --
Potions in Dungeon Nine.
Teaching at Hogwarts, not my choice of career.
The Dark Lord wants me dead;
But I cannot fall to fear.
I goad the boy,
To persevere!
That I don't teach Defense I often chafe.
Now, I'm a Phoenix spy and Head of House that's serpentine,
And stewing here in tenure with --
Potions in Dungeon Nine.
I goad the boy,
To persevere!
That I don't teach Defense I often chafe.
Now, I'm a Phoenix spy and Head of House that's serpentine,
And stewing here in tenure with -
Potions in Dungeon Nine --
Potions in Dungeon Nine --
Potions in Dungeon Ni-i-i-i-ine.
Manky Slyth Git
And one doesn't see the way that You-Know-Who let him escape.
It's not easy teaching balms to a class of dunderheads,
When the class that you would rather have, a werewolf has instead.
(Like the birds Alfonso Cuaron filled the movie with, you know).
He reminds me of a vampire, with dank, unshampooed hair,
And he torments Harry Potter. What a grudge the man can bear!
Why don't you dress like men dress, wear the pants a man should wear?
I've been reading for an hour. I now need a place to retch.
The being known as Voldemort has promised Snape will die,
And I don't dare tell the fangurls that I hope he will comply.
Why don't you wash with mouthwash, buy some toothpaste, brush and floss?
Why don't you dress like men dress, wear the pants a man should wear?
Why don't you wash with mouthwash, buy some toothpaste, brush and floss?
Why don't you wash your hair? Why don't you be more fair?
Why don't you dress like men dress, wear the pants a man should wear?
And one doesn't see the reason that he has to wear that cape.
It's too easy hating Snape, though the fangurls, I confess,
Are in love with Alan Rickman wearing Wednesday Addams' dress.
Dunderheads! Dunderheads!
Dunderheads! Dunderheads!
Look at this batch!
Brains full of rocks,
Heads full of thatch.
Dunderheads, dunderheads,
Can't read a book
Or think of a thought to hatch.
Destined to fail.
Info I hurl,
Try to impale
Just one small thing
In the void that I see
In eyes staring back at me.
Minerva, make your quill do its thing.
And me, well, I'm not a brawler,
But for one good mind, I'd do anything!
Look at this batch!
Brains full of rocks,
Minds full of thatch.
Day after day, words of wealth I intone
So they will be wise when they're grown.
It's turquoise, not red. Ok, so Dean's a snake.
But it's allright, lad, it happens. True? True.
I'll try "Mammal returnus", but even if it flunks,
You've got your self-esteem, and all else pales.
Ron's buddy, his mate. Your chatter I'll abide.
But you don't need my directions. Right? Right.
And so you miss ingred'nts, and stir more than is due,
You'll be the one to test it- Look what you grew!
To just throw things in a pan?
Without practice, or patience, or reading instrucutions?
Be glad that Seamus ran!
Time after time.
I'm feeling old,
Whilst in my prime.
Each year of firsties,
Has misunderstood
That this was all for their good.
Encumbered and infringed on my pride.
And Flint, well, he was just mental.
And Justin was petrified.
Please, no more Crabbes,
No more Cho Changs,
My stomach's churned.
Playing with potions a Goyle can get burned.
So no Katie Bell, no Susan Bones,
Not one more George. Please, no more Freds!
They all are such dunderheads!
Super-Vicious
Little supervision, don't have to play fair
Thirteen-year old students cower in my class
Seven years of bad luck, if OWL exams they pass
Then you'll suffer
Super-vicious is my way
Kids are not a problem, that's 'cause I'm The Man
Harry had these weird dreams, won't empty his mind
Who cares if I save him, I won't be fined
Then it's rougher
Super-vicious is my way, yeah, yeah
Lack of supervision, and so what else is new
Thirteen-year old students cower in my class
Seven years of bad luck, if OWL exams they pass
It gets tougher
Super-vicious is my way, no, no, no
That Potion Master's Fine
Only in movies does he have good looks.
Though there are folks who just wish he would resign,
The Snape Fangirls agree that (sigh) that potion master's fine.
Some dash to theatres to see each flick.
Each says to herself "ooh, I want to make him mine".
And they all agree that (sigh) that potion master's fine.
But there's something about him that just tickles us pink.
He makes us all react like we've had too much to drink.
We raise our nose, and close our eyes to what they think.
His snarky attitude fits him just right.
When he swishes his cloak, it is borderline divine.
Concensus of the fangirls: (sigh) That potion master's fine.
(repeat)
I'm In Love With A Man Called Snape
Can't explain why I can't control my feelings no more
A kind of magic that I've never, ever known before
Teaching you!!
Teaching me!!
Teaching me, ooh, what do I do?
He gets me with a flourish of his cape
Greasy black hair, it turns me on
Someone tell me, please, why this is so wrong
I'm in love with a man called Snape!!!
Ooh-ooh…
He's got me in his spell, but everything is a-okay
Teaching you!!
Teaching me!!
Teaching me, ooh, what do I do?
He gets me with a flourish of his cape
Greasy black hair, it turns me on
Someone tell me, please, why this is so wrong
I'm in love with a man called Snape!!!
Ooh-ooh…
Teaching me!!
Teaching you, oh, he's teaching me!!!
Ahh!!!!
He gets me with a flourish of his cape
Greasy black hair, it turns me on
Someone tell me, please, why this is so wrong
I'm in love with a man called Snape!!!
Ooh-ooh…
Snapester Man
Black robes, black cape
And when I'm around, there's no escape
Hooked nose, long hair
Everybody stops to stare
They come runnin' just as fast as they can
'Cause every girl's crazy 'bout the Snapester man
Studliness ain't no matter of choice
Black shoes, smooth stride
So sexy it hurts, better step aside
They come runnin' just as fast as they can
'Cause every girl's crazy 'bout the Snapester man
One withering stare and they're hypnotized
Long legs, short fuse
Takin' points, but it's no use
They come runnin' just as fast as they can
'Cause every girl's crazy 'bout the Snapester man
Potions Man
Oh-oh-oh-oh, bitter Potions Man…)
I feel a wreck without my bitter Potions Man
I hear his voice screaming, loud as thunder
Saw his eyes flashing…
Can't wait till the morning, see my bitter Potions Man
I hear his voice screaming, loud as thunder
Saw his eyes flashing, now…
When I look at my Potions Man
And I could pretend that nothing really meant too much
When I look at my Potions Man
Visions of the Snapester in my head
Feared by everyone…
It's in the way of his stride!
You'll ruin everything I am…
You know, you cloud my every vision…
I want to die, it's true…
You are the man who ought to rule the world!
"You pillock! Can't you shut your mouth?"
He says… "SILENCE!"
He says… "SILENCE!"
He says… He says…
"You pillock! Can't you shut your mouth?"
And when I get annoying, my bitter Potions Man says,
"You pillock! Can't you shut your mouth?"
He says… "SILENCE!"
He says…
Oh-oh-oh-oh, bitter Potions Man…)
Both Sides Now
Puffed-up prick so full of pride
All the girls around him sighed
And I'm the reason why he died
I've looked at Prongs that way
It''s doubtful that I'll let him pass
Yet every book I save his ass
When he gets in harm's way
From dad and son and still somehow
It's Prongs' allusion I recall
I really don't know Prongs at all
Hoods and masks we'd always wear
The Dark Mark blazes in the air
I've looked at war that way
I'm sick of serving this Dark Lord
After the Seer was overheard
Went to Albus that day
From dark and light and still somehow
It's war's allusions I recall
I really don't know war at all
Hexing Peter in the hall
Secret dorm through the dungeon wall
I've looked at life that way
And Quidditch games I knew we'd lose
If I had a choice I know I'd choose
To somehow get away
From high and low and still somehow
It's life's allusion I recall
I really don't know life at all
Teacher
When I was just a naïve Hogwarts grad
I started doing things that were real bad
Like casting curses
Which made people scream
And what was worse is
I'm still not redeemed
Because right now I'll just take any excuse
To use verbal abuse!
Know why I can?
Because I am the kind of man
Whose lesson plan
Deserves a life sentence in Azkaban
I make my students all feel like such fools
I am a teacher
Socratic method and sneers are my tools
I once was an evil Death Eater
Who loved to break the golden rule
Now I'm a teacher
So kids, back to school!
Step in, students, it's time for Potions class
Watch him take all those points, what a bore!
He's a teacher who will never ever take any cheek
From anybody who is a Gryffindor.
Some brew fame in his class.
I just whip up a batch of whoop-ass!
Though some are sure I'm a greasy-haired prick
I am your teacher
And I'm a hit with the girls in fanfic
When students do not pay attention
They wish they were dead when they're in detention
Teacher!
When I think how the Marauders would shove me
I know that tormenting their kids is just lovely
Sit down, Potter!
'Cause I'm a teacher
So back to school!
Come in
Books out
No wands
Now sit.
Snape: The Malignant Years