Lord Voldemort

(aka The Dark Lord, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, You-Know-Who, or just plain Voldy)

Based on a quote from J.K. Rowling: "Why didn't Voldemort die? The killing curse rebounded, so he should have died. Why didn't he? At the end of Goblet of Fire he says that one or more of the steps that he took enabled him to survive."

Although it has been stated that Voldemort is using Horcruxes, I for one firmly believe that the true secret of the plot is all down to where he shops....

Image © 2004 Red Scharlach

* = Post-OOP
** = post-HBP
*** = post-DH

See also SchmergoWeasley's Dark Lord trilogy Lord Voldemort: The Musical, Lord Voldemort: The Psycho Dark Lord of Hogsmeade and Worst Side Story; Caius Marcius' A Vast LEPHT-Wing Conspiracy for villains only, with Lord Voldemort as the Master of Ceremonies, as well as its sequal The 66th Annual Dark Wizards' Conspiracy by Salazar

Copyright 2000-2007 by Caius Marcius, except The Horcrux Song and My Master, You-Know-Who Copyright 2001, 2006 by Pippin; Voldy Story Copyright 2001 by PottergirlUK; Hell's Spell Copyright 2002 by Devin; Yesterday Copyright 2002 by She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named; Be Prepared Copyright 2002 by Moony & Padfoot's Girl; Betrayed Copyright 2002 by Kit; Here Comes Voldemort and Without Me Voldy Copyright 2002, 2003 by MagicPoni; Come Together, I'll Hide Instead and The Night Voldemort Died Copyright 2002 by Gail; Voldy Went Down To Hogwarts Copyright 2002 by Annie Llewellyn; Long Time Gone Copyright 2002 by Lilac; Man Of Constant Evil Copyright 2002 by Kaesa Aurelia Secunda; Der Voldemort, Der Bin Ich Ja Copyright 2002 by Tann; A-Va-Da, Ke-Da-Vra Copyright 2002 by Ellen Anglin; Voldemort Copyright 2002 by Kristi Miller; The Voldemort Whilly-Nillies Copyright 2002 by DangerMouse; Bring Me To Life Copyright 2003 by GiNnY; The Heir of Slytherin Copyright 2003 by LuckyCharmzz; Nobody Mentions My Name Copyright 2003 by Haggridd; Master Voldemort Copyright 2003 by Star Opal; Sorcerer's Stone Copyright 2003 by Jackie DeMedio; Fear Grows Where Lord Voldemort Goes Copyright 2003 by Willow; Here Comes Voldemort Copyright 2002 by Catherine Johnson; In the Body of a Snake and Just Lord Vapormort Copyright 2003, 2004 by Ginger; The Dark Lord Copyright 2003 by Iggy McSnurd; Oh My Dark Lord and Voldemort's Resurrected Copyright 2004 by Indigo Ziona; Evil Wizard Copyright 2004 by Eustace Scrubb; Voldemort Copyright 2004 by Star Opal; Alive and You're Too Afraid To Call Me By My Name (The Perfect Harry Potter Filk) Copyright 2004 by Jason LeBouef; All Your Fighting, Voldy is No Man and You Win Again Copyright 2004, 2005 by Allemande; The New World of Magic Copyright 2005 by Anon E. Mouse; You'll Never Beat Lord V Copyright 2005 by Red Scharlach; The Ballad of the Dark Lord Copyright 2005 by Anon E. Mouse; You're A Bad Guy, Voldemort Copyright 2007 by Nymphadora; Lord Voldemort Copyright 2007 by Ms. Gehayi; Vol-de-mor Copyright 2007 by Anton; Vapormort Copyright 2007 by Aislinn; Lord Voldemort Copyright 2008 by Eric Oppen; You-Know-Who Copyright 2010 by Lindsay Addison

To the tune of When I Was a Lad, from Gilbert and Sullivan's HMS Pinafore

Enter VOLDEMORT and a Chorus of DEATH EATERS

VOLDEMORT
When I was a lad still in Hogwarts School
I determined the entire world I'd someday rule
But I didn't need to study the whole library
I decided all I needed was a diary
I preserved my thoughts so carefully
That I became the darkest Lord in History

CHORUS OF DEATH EATERS
Too bad that diary of yours got gored
For once, the pen was not as mighty as the sword

VOLDEMORT
When I was but a toddler, my Muggle dad
Abandoned me and Mummy, it was rather sad.
Thoughts of him ensconced in his ancestral estate
Retained some power always me to irritate
Being mild by nature and quite risk-averse,
I addressed this family issue via Kedrava curse

CHORUS
When relationships get unlivable
You can always count on Curses Unforgivable

VOLDEMORT
I later elected I should change my name
My original was questionable and rather plain
As I then stood upon the brink of world renown
I found an appellation of euphonic sound
I unveiled this name with such ado
That they're only brave enough to call me "You-Know-Who"

CHORUS
> You must say "He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named,"
Or we Death Eaters will make sure you get really flamed

VOLDEMORT
And then for a time I was Number One
I killed people sometimes but 'twas all in fun
I slew James and Lily (who I never did like),
Then I cast a wicked spell upon their little tyke
I cast that spell so wickedly,
That I rather blush to say it, but the joke was on me.

CHORUS
When a helpless infant you would curse
First make sure that Mom has not invoked a curse reverse.

VOLDEMORT
I retreated in the interim to the Albanian dale
As I contemplated how best to hit the comeback trail
And since with Harry Potter I'm inextricably linked
Just a dabble of his blood has put me in the pink
Now, fully restored to my physical form
I'm preparing to unleash on you my Perfect Storm

VOLDEMORT & CHORUS
You'll never guess what we've cooked up next
We're afraid that when we tell you, you'll be rather vexed!

A filk by Star Opal to the tune of Mona Lisa

Voldemort, Voldemort, you have named you
So unlike the Riddle with the charming smile
Is it the search for immortality that has changed you?
That made that icy cruelty in your smile?

Do you smile cause you're happy, Voldemort?
Because its time to blow Potter apart?
Many schemes you've brought to Hogwarts' doorstep
Get him try there, him to die there
Now you're formed, and you're real, Voldemort
You're just a red-eyed baddy, making pain an art

Do you smile cause you're happy, Voldemort?
Because its time to blow Potter apart?
Many schemes you've brought to Hogwarts' doorstep
Get him try there, him to die there
Now you're formed, and you're real, Voldemort
You're just a red-eyed baddy, making pain an art

Voldemort...
Voldemort!

A filk by Allemande to the tune of Frosty the Snowman

Voldy is no man, bears resemblance to a snake
With his skull-white skin and his flattened nose
And two eyes as red as steak.
"Voldy is no man, but a fairytale," they said
"He does not exist!" But then Voldy hissed
And now most of them are dead.
There must have been some turmoil
In the Sorting Hat that day
For when Tom placed it on his head
It fell off and ran away

O, Voldy is no man, but alive as he can be
And the wizards say he'll be back one day
To come after you and me.

Thumpetty thump thump
Thumpetty thump thump
Look at Voldy kill.

Thumpetty thump thump
Thumpetty thump thump
Ever his greatest skill.

Voldy was no man of self-doubt, as you can see
So he said "I'll run and kill Potter's son
and be back with you for tea."
Down went the villain with a wand clutched in his hand
Wizards here and there zoomed around the air
Shouting, "You-Know-Who is banned!"

He finished killing James and went
The baby boy to seize
And he only paused a moment when
He heard his mother's pleas
Now Voldy was no man, and his spirit flew away
But it gave a sneer saying,
"Don't you cheer, I'll be back again someday."

Thumpetty thump thump
Thumpetty thump thump
Look at Voldy go.

Thumpetty thump thump
Thumpetty thump thump
He'll be back, You Know.

A filk by LuckyCharmzz to the tune of The Real Slim Shady by Eminem

VOLDEMORT recounts the last couple of years, telling the Wizarding World that he is going to kill all the Mudbloods...okay the 3rd verse is a little messed up, the Death Eaters want to go to the HP movie premiere...but hey it could happen

VOLDEMORT:
May I have your attention please?
May I have your attention please?
Will the heir of Slytherien please stand up?
I repeat, will the heir of Slytherien please stand up?
We're gonna have a problem here

Y'all act like ya never seen a Basilisk before
Jaws all on the floor like a huge troll just burst in the door
And started tearing down the stalls worse than before
First he was after Herimone but then he wasn't for sure
It's the return of the...
"Ah, wait, no way, you're kidding,
Voldemort isn't really here, is he?"
And Ginny Weasly said...
"Nothing you idiots! Ginny's almost dead, she's locked in the basement!"
Death Eaters love Voldemort
Diggy, diggy they thinks killings a sport
You watched me, floating around, living off unicorns, hiding in the school,
But I was still a little weak, fool.

Yeah, I probably got a couple of screws up in my head loose
But the worse is what's going on in back in 1972
Sometimes, I wanna just let my Basilisk loose
But when I do people end up as dead as Bruce
"My snake is gonna hiss, my snake is gonna his"
And if you're smart, you might just give it a little kiss
And that's the message that we deliver to little kids
And expect them not to know what Avada Kedavra is
Of course they gonna know how I kill people
By the time they hit second year
They got The Daily Prophet don't they?
They ain't nothing but Muggles
Well, some of them Mudbloods
Or ones who just stand in my damm way
But if we can keep all the pure bloods
Then there's no reason that me and the dementors can't elope
But if you feel like I feel, I got the anecdote
Kill all the Mudbloods, sing the chorus and it goes

Chorus:
I'm heir of Slytherin, yes I'm the heir of Slytherin
All you other heirs of Slytherien are just imitating
So won't the heir of Slytherien please stand up?

Please stand up, please stand up

'Cause I'm heir of Slytherin, yes I'm the heir of Slytherin
All you other heirs of Slytherin are just imitating
So won't the real heir of Slytherin please stand up?
Please stand up, please stand up

Harry Potter don't got to kill people to be famous
Well I do so "Kill him and kill you too!"
You think I give a damn about an movie premiere?
Half of the readers can't even stomach me let alone stand me
"But Voldy what if you don't die, wouldn't it be weird?"

Why? So you guys could just lie to get me there
So you can sit me here next to Pettrigrew
Man Lucius Malfoy better switch me chairs
So I can sit next to Goyle and Crabbe
And hear them argue over whose gonna kiss my robes first
You little twit, put me on blast in The Daily
"Yeah, he's back but remember we work for the Ministry"
I should roll up his freakin' silver sleeve and show the whole world
The little Dark Mark courtesy of Voldy
I'm sick of you little Muggle-loving fruits

All you do is annoy me so I have been sent here to destroy you
And there's a million of us just like me
Who curse like me; who just don't give a darn like me
Who dress like me; walk, act and kill like me
And just might be the next best thing; a bunch of Voldys

Chorus:
I'm heir of Slytherin, yes I'm the heir of Slytherin
All you other heirs of Slytherinare just imitating
So won't the real heir of Slytherin please stand up?
Please stand up, please stand up

I'm like a head trip to listen to cuz I'm only giving you
Things Slytherins joke about inside their common room
The only difference is I got the balls to say it
In front of y'all and I don't gotta be hushed or sugar-coated at all
I just get out in the world and kill 'em and whether you like to admit it
You all just wanna get those stupid muggles out of here anyway
Then you wonder why so many kids wanna get into the Chamber today
It's funny cuz at the rate I'm going when I'm seventy
Pure bloods will be the only ones still magicing

Conjuring up potions and living the life Salazar intended
Only the true magical blood will be learning
And every single person is a heir of Slytherin lurking
He could be working at the Ministry learning all the secrets
Or at The Daily Prophet typing up a thousand times "I hate Muggles!"
With his wand down and Rita Skeeter dead
So, will the real heir of Slytherin please stand up?
And raise that Dark Mark all the way up?
And be proud to be outta ya mind and outta control
And one more time, loud as you can, how does it go?

Chorus:
I'm heir of Slytherin, yes I'm the heir of Slytherin
All you other heirs of Slytherin are just imitating
So won't the real heir of Slytherin please stand up?
Please stand up, please stand up

Chorus:
I'm heir of Slytherin, yes I'm the heir of Slytherin
All you other heirs of Slytherin are just imitating
So won't the heir of Slytherin please stand up?
Please stand up, please stand up

Ha ha
Guess there's an evil side in all of us

Oh well, let's all stand up

A filk by PottergirlUK to the tune of Pharoah's Story from Lloyd Webbers's Joseph and the Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat

Voldy, he was a powerful man
With the wizarding world in the palm of his hands
To all intents and purposes he
Was Evil, with a capital E
Whatever he did ended up with a grave
He murdered all people who got in his way
That was until baby Harry stepped in
And caused Voldy's curse to backfire on him

Strange as it seems
Though Voldy's name caused many screams
A baby caused Voldy to almost die
Nobody knows why

Ten years pass, and Voldy tries to return
While Harry's at Hogwarts with lessons to learn
But Harry stops Voldy from stealing the stone
Which would grant him the life that he's desperate to own
Three years more and Voldy's nursed back to health
By a servant who can transfigure himself
The Triwizard cup is an ideal thing
To use as a portkey to bring Harry to him

Strange as it seems
Harry's had some crazy dreams
He dreamed that someone killed Frank Bryce
And Bertha too
Was it You-Know-Who?

Strange as it seems
Harry's had some crazy dreams
He dreamed that Voldy killed Frank Bryce
But no-one knew
That these dreams were true.

A filk by Tann to the tune of Der Vogelfänger bin ich ja from Mozart's Die Zauberflöte (i.e., Papageno's opening aria)

VOLDEMORT:
Der Voldemort, der bin ich ja!
Mein Urgroßvater Salazar
Hat mir vererbt die große Schlang'
Die harrt' im Badezimmer lang.
Nach meinem grauslichsten Gebot,
War sie der Stöhnen-Myrthes Tod.
Sie frißt die Muggels, eins! zwei! drei!
Das nenn' ich echte Zauberei!

Das nenn' ich echte Zauberei,
Daß Ginny Weasley macht mich frei!
Denn durch mein Zaubertagebuch
Verfiel sie meinem starken Fluch.
An Ginnys Wesen fraß ich dann,
Und bin geworden so ein Mann!
Nun löse ich ihr' Seel' für mich -
Ein Rätsel gar zu hart war ich!

Ein Rätsel gar zu hart bin ich,
Und Herrscher, ja, ganz sicherlich -
Was taugt das dumme Potterkind,
Wenn alle Zaubr'er Sklaven sind?
Was machst du mit dem Schlangenzahn?
O weh! Was tatest du mir an?
Ohn' Zauberkraft, ohn' Schwertesmacht
Du Potter hast mich umgebracht!

A filk by Star Opal to the tune of Madame Guillotine, from Scarlet Pimpernel: The New Musical Adventure

Dedicated to the undead sexiness that is Voldemort.... Just kidding!

The Death Eaters sing the praises of Voldemort, with cameos from other characters

LUCIUS:
Blood of the gutter, oh the stink of Muggle half breeds
Kick them like dogs, feel contaminated when they bleed!
All you mudbloods I will not be tainted!
I will give you the curse from my wand
Send you back to the gutter!

DEATH EATERS:
We'll give you the judgment of Vold!

Vengeance victorious
These are the glorious days!

BELLATRIX:
Wizards of evil, come gather before our Dark Lord!

MACNAIR:
Now gaze on our god of purity
With his shimmering glimmering eyes!

DEATH EATERS:
He curses these blood traitors! No counter, all in its path dies!

Ava-
Savour the sting!
As he Unforgives, Master Voldemort
-da Kedavra!
You'll be smitten with Master Voldemort!

HARRY:
The job may be ugly, like a man I'll do what I must!

BELLATRIX:
Give in widdle boy, in a second all you'll be is dust!
Now come let my Master possess you

DEATH EATERS:
He is awe striking, flying from death
You will cower in fear
As he stops your blood, pulse, and breath!

Ava-
Savour the sting!
As he Unforgives, Master Voldemort
-da Kedavra!
Our Master will make the blood pure and clean!

ARTHUR:
When did wizards lose their reason?!
Oh, children, you weren't there!
To come home and feel the terror of the Dark Mark in the air!

DEATH EATERS:
Green flash!
Scar - slash and gash!
He will control you, Master Voldemort!
No point to fight it
Come forsake the light, expect no comfort!
Curse, savour the sting
As he murders you, Master Voldemort!
Kill, gives us a thrill!

LUCIUS:
Hail his Majesty!
DEATH EATERS:
Master Voldemort!

A filk by Devin based on AC/DC's Hells Bells (a song that can definitely do Voldemort-style evil justice, plus the voice of AC/DC's Brian Johnson is pretty high - though maybe not cold - anyway)

SCENE: The dark and stormy (for the purpose of this filk) night of Halloween, 1981. Voldemort is heading for Godric's Hollow. Moody, slowly building opening as each instrument takes its place in the song, when they all come together, Voldemort begins singing

VOLDEMORT
Through the rolling thunder and pouring rain
Gonna cause the Potters major pain
Wormtail told me the place they'd hide
Kid's only one, but he's gonna die

Pre-chorus:
Oh, won't take no prisoners, might spare one life
If Lily don't put up a fight
Got this spell to send the Potters to Hell
Avada Kedavra, now it's gotcha

Chorus:
Hell's Spell
Oh, Hell's Spell
They got me cursin' Hell's Spell
Their ending is nigh, Hell's Spell

Won't Crucio anyone this time
Just the green light for those friends of mine
Watch me kill these three fools fighting for the light
And then this Halloween brings eternal night

Pre-chorus:
Oh, won't take no prisoners, might spare her life
But the chances of that are slight
Ohhhhh, it's the highest Unforgivable spell
Avada Kedavra's gonna swat ya

Chorus:
Hell's Spell
Oh, Hell's Spell
Soon they'll be facin' Hell's Spell
My body count's high with Hell's Spell

Eruptive, evil guitar solo as Voldemort passes a sign that says Godric's Hollow, now approaching the Potter cottage

Hell's Spell
Voldy's comin' for you
Hell's Spell
I'm going in now
Hell's Spell
I see James inside
Hell's Spell
And now he dies!

Hell's Spell
I'm heading upstairs
Hell's Spell
She's waiting right there
Hell's Spell
Begging, goes down in shock
Hell's Spell
There's no way to block

Voldemort is anguished to find there IS a way to block it

Ow!
Ow! Ow!
Owwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!

Untimely ripped from his body, Voldemort gets out one last scream......

Hell's Spell!!!!!!!!!!

......and then, in his incorporeal form, runs(?) madly away....

A filk by Ellen Anglin to the tune of Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da by The Beatles

Voldemort's a Dark Lord, power on the rise,
Albus is a leader for the light
The Potters are the subject of a prophecy,
And on Halloween there's gonna be a fight

A-va-da, Ke-da-vra, your life's gone, Ha!
Give it up cuz' your life's done!
A-va-da, Ke-da-vra, your life's gone, Ha!
A flash of green and life is done!

Voldy takes the Knight Bus to a hollow dark
Has some special magic up his sleeve
Gonna share it with the Potters so he blasts the door
And as he gives it to them he is heard to sing:

A-va-da, Ke-da-vra, your life's gone, Ha!
Give it up cuz' your life's done!
A-va-da, Ke-da-vra, your life's gone, Ha!
A cold high laugh, your life is done!

Thus Ol' Voldy invaded the Potters' home,
Set on killing James and his kid
Tho Lily he might let alone....
(Mbaha ha ha ha ha ha!)

Ol' Voldy zapped the father with a flourish grand,
Turned to do the same to James young heir,
But Lily chose that moment for to make her stand
"No Not Harry!" Oh the Dark Lord best beware....

A-va-da, Ke-da-vra, your life's gone, Ha!
Give it up cuz' your life's done!
A-va-da, Ke-da-vra, your life's gone, Ha!
You foolish girl, your life is done!

With a flash of green the fatal spell was cast
Bouncin' off the child, the spell went wild
And Voldy succumbed to the blast!
(Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!)

Yeah, happy ever, word spreads wide and far
Fireworks and dancing in the street,
Celebrate the infant with the lightning scar
Toast him for the Evil Lord's defeat!

Yeah, A-va-da, Ke-da-vra, Voldys gone, Ha!
Give a cheer! The dark reigns done!
A-va-da, Ke-da-vra, Poof! He's gone!, Ha!
A flash of green and Voldy's gone!!

Sing out and Shout Huzzah!
Here's to the Boy Who Lived!

A filk by Ginger to the tune of Just a Gigolo/I Ain't Got Nobody by David Lee Roth.

LV, in his Albanian Period, sings:

I'm just Lord Vapormort
With serpentine rapport
Daily my demise delaying.

Furry little friends
Soon will meet their ends.
Possession is the game I'm playing.

Waiting for the day
A DE comes my way
And casts a strong spell right at me.

Then the end comes Hoho!
For that nasty Muggle-o
Like him who begat me.

'Cause-
I ain't got no body.
No body! One day I'm a hedgehog-
I'm so mad and homely-
Then a groundhog, then a tree frog.
Won't some Death Eater
Come and cast a spell on me
So I can be bad?

Get on over here Pete,
Start incantations
Any old time
Just zap one on me, any any one on me
Zap! Boomadee Boomadee Zap Zippy Zap.

I ain't got no body for slitherin' around
Ugalee bahuhbee see-a become-a-me
Ugalee bahuhbee see-a become!

I ain't got no body. No body.
No body 'cept a skunk
A chipmunk, it's all bunk!
I'm so mad and homely-
I'm a weasel, then a Kneazle.
Won't some Death Eater come and cast a spell on me
So I can be bad.

Get on over here Pete,
Start incantations
Any old time
Just zap one on me, any any one on me.

A filk by Ginger to the tune of In the Belly of the Whale from the Veggietales movie Jonah (performed by the Newsboys).

In the forest of Albania, during his bodyless phase, LORD VOLDEMORT sings (Backup vocals provided by furry woodland creatures)

Out of my norm without a form.
Can't believe I took that blow.
Of my curse rejected, then reflected.
Got word from Pete, thought my dark plan would be complete.
He said "go, Godric's Hollow"
Tossed an AK-but, hey,
What's that blinding green glow?

I'm down on my belly here
(In the body of a snake)
I'm weaker than jelly here
(In the body of a snake)
Not even a deli here!
(And I've got a belly ache)
How long must this form I take?

So now I'm coiled here feeling blue
Got no wand, so I'm just chillin'.
Can't hold one in a bod reptilian.
If one were served me, I'd be saved-
Back to be a nasty git-head
(Hmm, I wonder what rhymes with "git-head")

I'm down on my belly here
(In the body of a snake)
I'm weaker than jelly here
(In the body of a snake)
I'm going through Hell-y here
(And I've got a belly ache)
How long must this form I take?

The years, they pass dragging me down
No beers to pass, helping me drown
the horror.
The DE's pass on giving a second chance.

I'm down on my belly here
(In the body of a snake)
Scenery's Mary Shelley here
(In the body of a snake)
Some hands would turn up my frown
(Winnin' hands down.
In the body of a snake)

I'm in the body of a snake
(In the body of a snake)
I'm in the body
(In the body of a snake)
I'm in the body of a snake
(In the body of a snake)

In the body, in the body of a snake
It's just more than I can take.
When my coils squeeze
It's indigestion, but it's a feeling I can shake.
Hey, buddy, wipe my nose please
Cuz as you can plainly see
Haven't got a hand that's free.

I'm a Voldemort, heading back someday
It's a ruddy chore, but I'm gonna make them pay.
All the DE's must pray
I'll forget, no regret-say
They're wrong-I am strong
I belong
And that Potter's gonna pay!

In the body of a snake
(In the body)
In the body of a snake
(In the body)
In the body of a snake
(In the body, in the body of a snake)
In the body of a snake
I'm livin' in the body of a snake.

A filk by Jackie DeMedio to the tune of Mr. Brownstone by Guns n' Roses

VOLDEMORT:
I was a bodiless spirit,
Neither alive nor dead
That's when I saw a young teacher, so
I made home on the back of his head

Everyone thought I was gone,
That I'd made my last attack
Now I'm headin' to Hogwarts
Looking for ways I can come back

I've been lookin' for
The Sorcerer's Stone
Need to find it
To get life of my own
Oh, oh, oh,
Need a life of my own

I used to be Tom Riddle,
But the name it wouldn't do it,
So Tom Riddle's now Voldemort
I just keep tryin'
To kill a couple Mudbloods
Yeah, a few more than I killed before

I used to be Tom Riddle
But the name it wouldn't do it
So Tom Riddle's now Voldemort
I just keep tryin'
To kill a couple Mudbloods,
Yeah, a few more than I killed before

I've been lookin' for
The Sorcerer's Stone
Need to find it
To get life of my own
Oh, oh, oh,
Need a life of my own

Now we're in front of a mirror
But what it means, we can't tell
That Dumbledore, he's a real Mudblood-lover
And he's hid the Stone really well

I used to be Tom Riddle,
But the name it wouldn't do it,
So Tom Riddle's now Voldemort
I just keep tryin'
To kill a couple Mudbloods
Yeah, a few more than I killed before

I used to be Tom Riddle
But the name it wouldn't do it
So Tom Riddle's now Voldemort
I just keep tryin'
To kill a couple Mudbloods,
Yeah, a few more than I killed before

I've been lookin' for
The Sorcerer's Stone
Need to find it
To get life of my own
Oh, oh, oh,
Need a life of my own

Neeeeed life of my own

Stuck it in the mirror
And we couldn't get it nearer and that's
That's when Potter came in
His thoughts did unlock it,
Cause he has it in his pocket, then his
Touch boiled away our skin

QUIRRELL: YOWSA!

A filk by GiNnY of Bring Me To Life by Evanescence (from the album Fallen and the Daredevil OST)

Setting: VOLDEMORT is tired of being formless and virtually helpless and orders his most trusted servant to call on old magic to bring him back to his old form....

Author's Note: VOLDEMORT does all the singing, PETTIGREW does all the rapping....

VOLDEMORT & [PETTIGREW]:
I cannot live on like a ghost roaming the land.
Defeated, cannot use my wand,
Not able to cast spells.
Without a form,
My spirit seeking bodies warm,
Until they die then I leave and search for more.

Chorus:
[You will live!]
Take my father's bone.
[You will revive!]
Flesh, my servant's own.
[Rise up!]
Call my name, summon me from the dark.
[You will live!]
Get me Potter's blood
[You will revive!]
Then I will have a bod.
[Rise up!]
I'll rise from this nothing I've become.

Tried to get the Sorcerer's Stone
But Potter stopped me.
Help me and I will make you see.
I'll change your life.

Chorus:
[You will live!]
Take my father's bone.
[You will revive!]
Flesh, my servant's own.
[Rise up!]
Call my name, summon me from the dark.
[You will live!]
Get me Potter's blood
[You will revive!]
Then I will have a bod.
[Rise up!]
I'll rise from this nothing I've become.
Bring me to life.
[You will rise up again! The Dark Mark will reign!]
Bring me to life.

Bridge:
Helpless for years without a form, without my wand.
And soon all the world will see me rise from the dead!

[Oh my lord, I cannot take this awful pain
I've lost my hand but what is it that I will gain?]
You are losing your faith in me, it seems,
Here's a silver hand, now, am I redeemed?
[Thank you my Lord, my loyalty, even my soul,
I give them to you,
I give all that and more.]
I am alive!

Chorus:
[You will live!]
Take my father's bone.
[You will revive!]
Flesh, my servant's own.
[Rise up!]
Call my name, summon me from the dark.
[You will live!]
Get me Potter's blood
[You will revive!]
Then I will have a bod.
[Rise up!]
I'll rise from this nothing I've become.
Bring me to life.
[You will rise up again! The Dark Mark will reign!]
Bring me to life.

A filk by Annie Llewellyn to the tune of The Devil Went Down to Georgia by Charlie Daniels

Voldy went down to Hogwarts
He was looking for a kid to get
He was in a mess 'cause he was under stress
And he was willing to make a bet
When he came across this young man
Sitting on a broom way up in the sky
Voldy took a stroll up to a Quidditch goal
And said, "Boy, do give me a try.

Well, I guess you didn't know it
But I'm a Quidditch player too.
And if you'd care to take a dare
I'll make a bet with you.
Now, you play pretty good Seeker, boy,
But give the Dark Lord his due
I bet a broom of gold against your soul
'Cause I think I'm better than you."

The boy said, "My name's Harry,
And it'll make Albus mad,
But I'll take your bet - you're gonna regret
'Cause I'm the best he's ever had."

Harry, polish up your broom and go to get the Snitch
'Cause hell's broke loose in Hogwarts
And the Dark Lord's on the pitch
If you win you'll get this shiny broomstick made of gold
But if you lose, then Voldy gets your soul!

Voldy made his broom appear
And said, "Let's play Quidditch!"
Fire flew from his fingertips
As he released the Snitch
First he did a loop-the-loop
A corkscrew turn, and then
He stalled for but two seconds
And caught the Snitch in ten.

When he returned, Harry said,
"Well, you're pretty good, old son!
But rest your feet and take a seat
As I show you how it's done!"
All the students run to come and see
Voldy in the school of Wizardry
Dark Lord right there on the Quidditch pitch
But Harry in a blink has caught the Snitch!

Then Voldy bowed his head
Because he knew that he'd been beat
And he laid that golden broomstick
On the ground at Harry's feet.
Harry said, "Voldy, just come on back
If you ever want to try it again
I done told you once, you son of a witch,
I'm the best there's ever been!!"

All the students run to come and see
Voldy in the school of wizardry
Dark Lord right there on the Quidditch pitch

A filk by Lilac to the tune Long Time Gone by the Dixie Chicks

The Scene: VOLDY, WORMTAIL and NAGINI are sitting in the Riddle House in front of the fireplace. They are all pretty bored waiting for the events at Hogwarts to play themselves out, so they decide to have a little country jam-session. WORMTAIL is plucking on the banjo (doing a remarkable job with only four fingers), NAGINI is on the fiddle, and VOLDY is singing in his high voice about the events that brought him back to his Daddy's place.

VOLDY
Daddy was eatin' at the supper table
Grammy and Grampy sittin' there with Dad
I came and opened up a can of whoop-ass
And AK'd them all dead

Took off after the dark arts a-runnin'
Made it so I'd never buy the farm
Couldn't recognize me, changed my name to Voldy
From there I've been a long time gone

Been a long time gone
No, I ain't been to Daddy's since I don't know when
Long time gone
But I had to come back again

Harry was sleepin' in ole Godric's Hollow
His Momma and Daddy tried to hold me off
They always thought that they'd stay hidden
But I always meant to do 'em harm!

Asked me to spare her precious little baby
Me, I had another thought
Killed the Momma then went after Harry
And Lord, I've been a long time gone

Been a long time gone
No, I ain't had a body since I don't know when
Long time gone
But I'm gonna get it back again!

Now me, I went a floatin' round, trying to find my loyal ones
Possesin' little snakes and critters, givin' creatures the jitters
Found Quirrell in his prime but he failed me big-time
Wormy's gonna lend a hand to help me get my body back!

Now and me and Wormtail came back to Daddy's
Milking Nagini for my hourly snacks
Broke down Bertha to hear what's a-cookin',
So a quick plan got dispatched

The plan's a little weird, but it ain't LESTRANGE
We're in hidin' so we have to CROUCH
The minister is pro'bly gonna FUDGE
He'll fudge, he'll fudge, he'll fudge cuz I've been

Long time gone
Yeah, Fudge ain't gonna think that I'm back again
Long time gone
Yes, I'm coming back,
I said a long time gone
No, I ain't AK'd since I don't know when
Long time gone
But I'm coming back again!

VOLDY, WORMY AND NAGINI (singing/hissing in three-part harmony)
I said a long time, long time, long time gone
Oh, It's been a long time....
etc.

A filk by Pippin, to the tune of My Darlin' Clementine

i "By a gravestone, with the grave dust
Exhumated from a tomb
I will do as Voldy told me
I will save him from his doom"

Oh my master, oh my master,
Oh my master, You-Know-Who
When I bring you back to power
They'll be sorry, You-Know-Who

Blood of foe and bone of father
Flesh of servant Pettigrew
With devotion brewed he potion
Resurrecting You-Know-Who

Ruby eyes above the cauldron
In a countenance malign
'Twas that scapegrace with the snake face
Rising from the foaming brine.

In a circle stood the bad guys
Wormtail wallowing in gore
A prosthetic so aesthetic
Was the gift of Voldemort

Duelled then Harry with the Dark Lord
Dire curses hurt him bad
But Priori Incantatem
Saved the bottom of our lad

Corny Fudge said in denial
Dumbledore, this can't be true.
It's confusion or delusion,
It just can't be You-Know-Who.

Ways are parted, something's started
Someone's sure to take a dive
What disasters claim spellcasters
We won't know until Book Five.

Oh my wizards, oh my goodness
Oh my what are they in for?
It's another incarnation
Of the fiend called Voldemort

A filk by Indigo Ziona to the tune of Teddy Bears' Picnic

If you go out in the woods today
You're sure of a big surprise.
If you go out in the woods today
You'd better go in disguise.
For Wormtail's there with the Dark Lord, and worse
Cedric was killed with the killing curse
Today's the day that Voldemort's resurrected.

Party time for Death Eaters,
Those Evil Death Eaters are having a lovely time today.
But You-Know-Who and his Crucio
Are making quite a painful holiday.
See them swiftly Apparate,
They don't dare be late,
They're right at their master's side.
How nice to torture Mudbloods and Muggles
The Dark Mark overhead!
(But Snape's committing suicide)

If you go out in the woods today,
You'd better not go alone.
The Dark Mark's out in the woods today,
So safer to stay at home.
Into the cauldron - flesh, blood and bone
All Wormtail does is weep and moan
Today's the day that Voldemort's resurrected.

Every Death Eater tries hard
To please their lord as they can
The Lestranges are in favour though
They're locked up in Azkaban
They'll all bow down, kiss Voldemort's hem
But he's not really so pleased with them
Today's the day that Voldemort's resurrected.

A filk by Jason LeBouef to the tune of Alive by Immortalized - I'm in a Christian band called Immortalized. I play the drums and sing backup vocals.

VOLDEMORT
I was always alive and it's true
I was always alive
I was always alive and it's true
I was always alive

I was a spirit floating deep in the forest going nowhere
I was a vapor when I …When I was saved
Nothing more than floating mist feeding on dead unicorn's blood
Dwelling in the dark depths of the woods

Now I'm alive!
I will pour my hate on you
Voldemort is now alive
And there is nothing you can do
Voldemort is now alive
And I will rule over you
Voldemort is now alive

I was always alive and it's true
I was always alive
I was always alive and it's true
I was always alive

(to Wormtail)
You came to me there somehow and you give me life when I needed it
You overwhelmed me with your… Loyalty!
Brewing the potion on that night, and then I rose up with power again
And I called the death eaters… unto me!

Now I'm alive!
I will pour my hate on you
Voldemort is now alive
And there is nothing you can do
Voldemort is now alive
And I will rule over you
Voldemort is now alive

I was always alive and it's true
I was always alive
I was always alive and it's true
I was always alive

(repeat chorus)

A filk by Allemande to the tune of the Bee Gees song of the same name

LORD VOLDEMORT, right after the battle in the Ministry of Magic, Apparates in the graveyard, dragging a sniveling Bellatrix behind him. For several minutes he just stands there. Then suddenly, all the frustration and anger unload themselves as he breaks into a falsetto…

VOLDEMORT:
I couldn't figure why
You should have lived while I left my body then
I shouldn't have been kicked and sent to hell
By a baby
I find out everybody knows that
It was destiny
I'm surprised I didn't see it sooner
One day I'm gonna lift the secret
And stop that little heart
How I will chuckle the day I go
And tear this boy apart

(chorus) You can't fight the green light
But when you use love with me
You win again
This little heart
can do nothing then but flee
There's no force on earth
That ever survived me - but
You win again
One man must die
But if anybody will, you will
And I'll be, I'll be
Slaughtering you

Oh Harry I'll smite your precious Ron
I'm gonna A-K all your posse
One by one
I'm gonna kick ass all around
Burn that fortress to the ground
Nobody stops Lord Voldy from mangling you

You better beware, I swear
I'm gonna plot and scheme until you fall
Then before you die, you'll bow before
The Darkest Lord of all

(repeat chorus)

A filk by Indigo Ziona to the tune of Oh my Darling Clementine

Armando Dippet was Head of Hogwarts
A young orphan boy was there
As we all know, Tom Marvolo
Was Great Slytherin's heir

Oh my Dark Lord, Oh my Dark Lord
Oh my Dark Lord Voldemort
You are lost and gone forever
Dreadful sorry Voldemort

He set a monster from a chamber
On a Mudblood in the loos
Said a giant, uncompliant
Had set a spider on the loose

Oh my Dark Lord…

Arranged the letters, name was better
For a Master of Dark Arts
He came to meet us, the Death Eaters,
Saw ambition in our hearts

Oh my Dark Lord…

Came the hour, he rose to power
Killed a Muggle every day
But James Potter, little rotter,
Was standing in his way

Oh my Dark Lord…

To kill Potter and his toddler
Voldemort went to attack
But then bouncing off the baby
That dread curse came hurtling back

Oh my Dark Lord, Oh my Dark Lord
Oh my Dark Lord Voldemort
You are lost and gone forever
Dreadful sorry Voldemort

So we cried and so we lied and
So escaped from Azkaban
So we got out - so forgot about
Our Dark Lord's great plan.

Oh my Dark Lord, Oh my Dark Lord
Oh my Dark Lord Voldemort
Have you really gone forever?
Don't return, O Voldemort

So the years passed and so we last
Never giving him a thought
But in a cauldron in a graveyard
Rose again Lord Voldemort

Oh my Dark Lord, Oh my Dark Lord
Oh my Dark Lord Voldemort
You are back to stay forever
So we serve you Voldemort

So we cower to his power
So we beg him for our lives
So we wish that we were back with
Our nice henpecking wives

Oh my Dark Lord, Oh my Dark Lord
Oh my Dark Lord Voldemort
You are back to stay forever
So we serve you Voldemort

But we're back to having parties
Every time a Mudblood dies
So we cavort with our Voldemort
With the Dark Mark in the skies

Oh my Dark Lord, Oh my Dark Lord
Oh my Dark Lord Voldemort
We'll stick by you forever (this time)
Oh my Dark Lord Voldemort.

A filk by Eustace Scrubb to the tune of Pinball Wizard from Tommy by The Who

Ever since I was a young boy
I've loved the darkest arts
From Hogwarts down to Brighton
I must have cursed the lot
But I ain't seen nothing like him
Since Grindelwald's heyday
That tall black-haired orphan
Sure casts a mean AK

He grew up hating Muggles
'cause his dad was such a git,
Sent away his mom when
He found she was a witch
He bided time with patience
Made his father pay
That tall black-haired orphan
Sure casts a mean AK

He's an evil wizard
There has to be a twist
An evil wizard
Got such a supple wrist (swish-and-flick)

How do you think he does it?
I don't know
What makes him so bad?

He thirsts for life eternal
Swears he will never die
Fear goes out before him
No one will say his name
Seeking domination
All wizardkind would tame
That tall black-haired orphan
Sure casts a mean AK

I thought I was
The Unforgiveables king
But I just handed
My Crucio crown to him

Up against the finest Aurors
He can kill the best
His D.E.s lead him in
And he just does the rest
How strange to think an infant
Could end his evil reign
That tall black-haired orphan
Sure casts a mean AK

A filk by Kristi Miller to the tune of Gloria by Laura Branigan

THE SCENE: Just after Voldemort's big defeat in 1981.

Voldemort, you're on the run now
Running from the Aurors,
you gotta get away now
I think your headed for Albania
before you start to fade out
Our world's headed for Potter-mania
while you go and pout
You always will remember,
and the question will annoy
How were you nearly destroyed by a little boy, Voldemort

In Albania

Voldemort, stuck snake-body bumming
If the Death Eaters serve you,
why is anybody coming?
You'd love to have an answer
Is anyone on the line, oh-oh-oh, calling, Voldemort?
Voldemort (Voldemort), I think they plead Imperious
I think they got the ministry (Voldemort) to take them serious
You really will remember, what it was they said
How you were the voice in their head, Voldemort

10 years latter

A-ha, a-ha Voldemort, this how it went down
You didn't get him in the first year
And your memory failed on the rebound
There's a servant gonna break free
And take a look for you
Feel your chance slipped away
Well, another one's coming soon

And you quickly will remember, what it is he'll do
Give him a silver hand shiny and new, Voldemort
Voldemort, no longer body bumming
You gave the call and everybody should be coming
They all have to answer
Wouldn't dare leave you hangin' on the line, Voldemort
Oh-oh-oh
Voldemort, I think now you have a shot
I think your gonna make Harry suffer a lot

After the duel

Now you will remember, yet another defeat
Is there any way this boy can be beat, Voldemort?

(Voldemort, Voldemort, Voldemort, Voldemort, Voldemort)
(Voldemort, Voldemort, Voldemort, Voldemort, Voldemort)

To the tune of Elvis Presley's Teddy Bear

Enter VOLDEMORT, in sequined jacket, sunglasses, and slicked-back hair; enter as backup trio, WORMTAIL, LUCIUS MALFOY, AND BARTY CROUCH, JR; enter also NAGINI, affectionately curled up beside VOLDEMORT

VOLDEMORT
Lord Voldy here - I inflict scars!
My anagram
Tells who I am
Tom Riddle's come so far
I wanna be
TRIO: Please let him be
ALL: Your evil czar

VOLDEMORT
You'll do what I want
For you my word is law
Worship me
On bended knee
And hold my name is awe
'Cause, hey, I'm not
TRIO: Cause, hey, he's not
ALL: From Ravenclaw

Nagini begins hissing

VOLDEMORT
Nagini's now explainin'
Our venom's been uncorked
ALL: 'Cause folks won't stop maintainin'
That every Parseltongue should just get forked

VOLDEMORT
Now as the heir of Salazar
Lloyd Webber will
Do a musical
You'll be hummin' every bar
Of "You Know-Who…."
TRIO: Of "You Know-Who…."
ALL: "….You Superstar!

To the tune of Just a Spoonful of Sugar, from Disney's Mary Poppins

Enter VOLDEMORT and a CHORUS OF DEATH EATERS

VOLDEMORT
When we're out killing everyone
There is an element of fun
We find when dealing death
The hunt's a joy

The newest task of my misrule
Is to demolish Hogwarts School
A curse! A hex!
We'll frolic in its wrecks!

VOLDEMORT & CHORUS
Just a dabbling of Dark Arts will help Dumbledore go down
Dumbledore go down
Dumbledore go down
Just a dabbling of Dark Arts will help Dumbledore go down
In a most destructive way!

VOLDEMORT
While Fudge is feathering his nest
Azkaban will be reposessed
Dementors great and small
Will dance a jig

They're so malign in their pursuit
If there are merry thoughts to mute
They know they're strong
Once they ally with Wrong!

VOLDEMORT & CHORUS
Just a dabbling of Dark Arts will help Dumbledore go down
Dumbledore go down
Dumbledore go down
Just a dabbling of Dark Arts will help Dumbledore go down
In a most demented way!

VOLDEMORT
I'd like to wring him by his neck,
Or worse, that protégé of his
That 14-year-old with his mother's eyes
If Dumbledore cannot protect
It will be then, I now suspect,
Past tense
I'll make
That Harry Potter flake…….

VOLDEMORT & CHORUS
Just a dabbling of Dark Arts will make Dumbledore go down
Dumbledore go down
Dumbledore go down
Just a dabbling of Dark Arts will make Dumbledore go down
In a most demonic way!

A filk by MagicPoni based on Eminem's Without Me

SCENE: Voldy comes back, and takes over Eminem's music video...

WORMTAIL: Two Death Eater guys go round the outside, round the outside, round the outside
VOLDEMORT: Guess who's back, back again
Voldy's back, tell a friend
Guess who's back, guess who's back, guess who's back
Guess who's back...
WORMTAIL: I've created a monster, cuz nobody wants to
see Wormtail no more they want Voldy I'm chopped liver
Well if you want Voldy, that is what I'll give ya
a little bit of me mixed with some hard liquid
some foe's blood that'll jumpstart his heart quicker than a
shock when I get cursed by the Crucio curse by my master when I'm not cooperating
when I'm disturbing his thoughts while he's concentrating
VOLDEMORT: You waited this long now stop debating cuz I'm back, I'm on the rage and overwhelming
I know that you got a life Mrs. Weasley but your husbands muggle loving's complicating
So the Hogwart's three won't let me be or let me be me so let me see
They tired to shut me down before book three but it feels so empty without me
So come let it rip, run on you life's luck that, scum on you gets and just for the kicks and get ready cuz this bit's about to get heavy
I'll just settle all my problems YES YOU HARRY!

(chorus)
Now this looks like a mob for me so all the DE's just follow me
cuz we need a little controversy, cuz it feels so empty without me

Little Slytherins kids feeling rebellious
embarrassed, their parents still listen to Albus
they start plotting the Gryffindors defenseless, 'til someone comes along on a mission and yells "Filch"
A visionary, his diary's scary, could start a new solution, pollutin' the hallways Tom Riddle
so let me just "riddle" and ask, the fact that I got everyone feeling my wrath
and it's a disaster such a catastrophe for you to see so much of my wrath you ask for me?
Well I'm back (batman sound) fix your bent Anglia fly it in and then I'm gonna
enter in and get under your skin like a spider
The center of attention back for the chapter
I'm frightening, the best think since lightning
Infesting in your book four and nesting
Testing "Attention Please" feel the tension soon as someone mentions me
here's my servant my service is free
A nuisance
WORMTAIL: Who sent, you sent for me?

(Chorus)
VOLDEMORT: Now this looks like a mob for me, so all the DE's just follow me,
cuz we need a little controversy, cause it feels so empty without me

A tisk-it a task-it, I'll have a big fit for any DE's who's talking run hide and quit
Igor Karkaroff you can bet this wrath kicks
worse than them little lame counter curses, and Malfoy
you might get stomped by Voldy, you 36-year-old cowardly hag, know me
You don't respect me, you were told let go its over, nobody listens to "Crucio"
Now lets go, give me the Dark Mark, I'll be there with a new list full of new Dark Arts
I've been a dope, suspenseful with the same spell, ever since Potter turned himself into a symbol
But sometimes this bit just seems, Harry Potter always wants disrupt me
So this must mean I'm disrupting, but its just me I'm just obscene
Though I'm not the first Lord of controversy
I am the worst thing since Alastor Moody, to do Black Magic so selfishly
and use it to get myself healthy (Hey)
there's a concept that works
20 million other Dark Lords emerge
but no matter how many fish in the sea it'd be so empty without me

(chorus)
Now this looks like a mob for me so all the DE's just follow me
cuz we need a little controversy, cuz it feels so empty without me

VOLDEMORT & DEs
(Hum dei dei la la Hum dei dei la la... la la la la...nah nah nah nah nah...)

A filk by Kaesa Aurelia Secunda to the tune of Man of Constant Sorrow from the movie O Brother, Where Art Thou?

VOLDEMORT (and a CHORUS OF DEATH EATERS) are in a huddle in the graveyard, singing (for some reason) to Tom Riddle Senior's tombstone:

(In constant evil all through his days!)

I am a man of constant evil!
I've made trouble all my days.
I bid farewell to my old orphanage,
The place where I was born and raised.

(The place where he was born and raised.)

For fifteen years I've been in hiding,
A shadow of my former self.
No one knows that time I'm biding,
So I can come back with full stealth.

(So we can come back with full stealth.)

When I was young, my da rejected Mummy,
I never expect to see him again,
For, you see I killed him and his other family.
He came to quite a nasty end.

(He came to quite a nasty end.)

Well, they buried him in this old graveyard,
In Little Whinging oh so near,
Ah, yes, I do remember,
To my heart this place is dear.

(To his heart this place is dear.)

Maybe Fudgie thinks I'm just a raving,
My face he never will see no more,
But there is one promise that is given.
I'll meet him at the Ministry's door.

(We'll meet him at the Ministry's door.)

They disappear, cackling, presumably off to do evil things

A filk by Haggridd to the tune of My Name from the Lionel Bart musical Oliver!

SCENE: He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named is giving a pep talk to his Death Eaters.

LORD VOLDEMORT:
Wizards are afraid to say it!
Though they hasten to obey it!
They will die if they betray it!
Nobody mentions my name!

I smile when we torture Muggles
Yes, I quite enjoy their struggles
Watch when a Death Eater juggles
Mudbloods in praise of my name!

With my minions at my hand,
I will lead them all to war.
With Death Eaters to command
I will vanquish Dumbledore!

Snakes will hiss, cats yowl and dogs bark
When you fill the sky with green spark.
"Morsmordre!" summons the Dark Mark.
Don't even whisper my name!

Dark Lord!

Witches tremble when they hear me!
They've got cause enough to fear me!
I'm much blacker than they smear me!
He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.

Though right now I have no torso,
I'm the leader you adore so.
I'll be stronger than before so
Everyone will hear my name!

Jorkins used to boast a claim
She could take my name in vain.
Bertha, shame she was so green;
Never was she seen again!

But there is a little rotter
Who attends my alma mater
Son of James and Lily Potter
Able to say my name!

You-Know-Who! You-Know-Who! You-Know-Who! My Name!

A filk by Willow to the tune of Love Grows Where My Rosemary Goes

As to who is singing, it is sung by a random wizardess, probably an Auror, who went up against Voldy in a fight, and lost.

He's not bright and sunny
His face is kinda funny
Hair, he don't got much you see,
Oh but fear grows where Lord Voldemort goes,
And nobody knows like me!

His hist'ry's kinda hazy,
All people know he's crazy,
And they cower shamelesssly,
Because fear grows where Lord Voldemort goes,
And nobody knows like me!

There's somethin' about the things on his mind,
They don't all click so fine,
But he's the first to say-hey,
He's got a lotta magical spells,
And they all work so well,
That I won't get away!

He's a lucky fella, (points to Harry)
Why, okay I'll tell ya,
That he got away you see,
Because fear grows where Lord Voldemort goes,
And nobody knows like me!

I don't understand the takeover 'biz,
But he finds it a whiz,
As I found out today-hey!
My spells all sort of die with a fizz,
None of them work like his,
And I can't get away!

I'm not a lucky fella,
Why, okay I'll tell ya,
That he did away with me,
Oh and fear grows where Lord Voldemort goes,
And nobody knows...
Like me!

Another Certifiably Wakey filk by MagicPoni - The worst thing since the Death Eater Barbershop quartet...A dreadful little ditty sung by Lord Voldemort's Chorus of Death Eaters! Sung to Gene Autrey's "Here Comes Santa Claus"

CHORUS OF DEATH EATERS:
Here comes Voldemort!
Here comes Voldemort!
He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named!
Lucius Malfoy and all his DEs
Promote his evil reign.
Mudbloods cringing, Muggles screaming;
All is horror and fright.
Sport a Dark Mark or say your prayers,
'Cause Voldemort comes tonight.

Here comes Voldemort!
Here comes Voldemort!
He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named!
He's got a plot that is filled with schemes
To haunt Harry in his dreams
Hear those Potters plead for mercy,
Oh What a horrible sight.
Jump in bed, cover up your head,
'Cause Voldemort comes tonight.

Here comes Voldemort!
Here comes Voldemort!
He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named!
He doesn't care if you're a rich snob Malfoy,
He loves purebloods the same.
Slytherin knows that we're the chosen,
That makes everything right.
Fill your ears with dreadful fears,
'Cause Voldemort comes tonight.

Here comes Voldemort!
Here comes Voldemort!
He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named!
He'll come around when his old friends break out
Of Azkaban again
Hell on Earth will come to all

A filk by Moony & Padfoot's Girl to the tune of Be Prepared from Disney's The Lion King

At the next DEATH EATERS meeting, Snape watches the goings-on as VOLDEMORT steps up onto a tree trunk and calls their attention

VOLDEMORT:
I know that your wizarding powers
Are as good as those of a first year
But alas, only I have superpowers
My words to you should be crystal clear

It's clear from your loyal devotion
That you clearly know what will be done
But as I sing you'll get the notion
That I truly am Salazar's son!

So prepare for the fight of a lifetime
Be prepared for a telling of truths
A Muggle-free new era
Is a year and a half nearer

DRACO:
And where's the main feature?

VOLDEMORT:
Just let me be your teacher
I know it is sordid
But we'll all be recorded
When they write the history books of new!
Not one mangy Mudblood will be spared
Be prepared!

DRACO:
Be prepared for what?
VOLDEMORT:
For the rise of the dark arts!
GOYLE:
Why? Where'd they fall?
VOLDEMORT:
No, you fool, they're being shunned... and being neglected!
DRACO:
Great idea! Who needs the Dark Arts?
DEATH EATERS:
No Dark Arts, No Dark Arts, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah!
VOLDEMORT:
Idiots! They will RISE again!
CRABBE:
But you just said...
VOLDEMORT:
I will make sure of it!!!
Stick with me, and you'll never be poor again!
DEATH EATERS:
YEA!!!!!! Long live Lord Voldemort!!!!

It's great that we'll soon be connected
With a craft that had long been ignored

VOLDEMORT:
Of course, you dumb mutts, you're expected
To furthermore call me your Lord!
Our future is Muggle destruction
And though I'll be the only creditee
The point that will give you instruction
Is you won't get a knut without me!!

So prepare for the news of the century
Be prepared for the most beautiful scam
(Ooooh!)
Unending planning
(We'll have galleons!)
merciless enchanting
(Lots of galleons!!)
Decades of denial
(We'll never be plebians)
Is exactly why I'll
(Endless Galleons)
Be Lord undisputed
(Aaaaaaaaaah!)
prayed to, saluted
(Aaaaaaaaaah!)
And seen for the wizard I am
(Aaaaaaaaaah!)
Yes, the Muggles and Mudbloods should be scared
Be prepared!
DEATH EATERS:
Yes, the Muggles and Mudbloods should be scared
Be prepared!

A filk by Jason LeBouef to the tune of You Never Even Call Me By My Name (The Perfect Country & Western Song) by David Allen Coe

VOLDEMORT:
It was all, that I could do, to keep from dyin'
Sometimes it seemed so useless to remain
And you don't have to call me Voldy… darlin'
You're too afraid to call me by my name

Now some folks call me You-Know-Who
And some people say He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named
And you don't want to call me, by my name "Voldemort"
Even though The Dark Lord will suffice.

And I'll hang around because I'll live forever
And my hatred and my anger stays the same
You don't have to call me `Voldy'… darlin'
You're too afraid to call me by my name

Well I've heard my name spoken by Harry Potter
And I've heard it when I got blown away
But the only time you'll know, that I am Tom Marvolo
Is when Harry finds the girl and saves the day

So I'll hang around because I'll live forever
And my hatred and my anger stays the same
You don't have to call me `Voldy'… darlin'
You're too afraid to call me by my name

(spoken) Well a filthy Muggle named Jason LeBouef wrote that filk, and he told me it was the perfect Harry Potter Filk. I wrote him back a letter and I told him it was not the perfect Harry Potter Filk because he hadn't said anything at all about Hogwarts, or Magic, or Hagrid, or Quidditch, or gettin' hurt. Well he sat down and wrote another verse to this filk and sent it to me. After reading it, I realized this nasty Muggle had written the perfect Harry Potter filk. I felt obliged to include it on this song. And the last verse goes like this here:

HARRY:
I got hurt, the day we won playing Quidditch
And I went to visit Hagrid in the rain
But before we could get to Hogwarts in the Anglia
Almost got runned over by that damned old train.

VOLDEMORT:
And I'll hang around because I'll live forever
And my hatred and my anger stays the same
You don't have to call me `Voldy'… darlin'
You're too afraid to call me
I wonder why you're afraid to call me
Why don't you ever call me by my name?

A filk by Allemande to the tune of The Beatles' All My Loving

VOLDEMORT:
Close your eyes and I'll kill you
Tomorrow I'll grill you
Remember I'm no man of taste
And then after you're dead
All your mates'll want my head
And I'll kill them without any haste.

DEATH EATERS:
All your fighting, people, is in va-a-ain
All your fighting!
We will come again.

VOLDEMORT:
I'll pretend that I'm killing
Young Potter while chilling
And hope that my dreams will come true
And then after he's dead
Dumbledore'll want my head
And I'll kill the old Headmaster, too.

DEATH EATERS:
All your fighting, people, is in va-a-ain
All your fighting!
We will come again.

A filk by Ms. Gehayi to the tune of Macavity from Lloyd Webber's Cats

Lord Voldemort!

Lord Voldemort--the Darkest Lord. He's evil incarnate.
He's the terror of all wizards, the embodiment of hate.
Yet the Ministry swears he's not real, to Dumbledore's despair
For when they reach the scene of crime...Lord Voldemort's not there!

Lord Voldemort, Lord Voldemort, there's no one like Lord Voldemort,
He violates all human law, commits each crime and civil tort.
His frequent resurrections make the Holy Father stare...
But once young Harry has appeared--Lord Voldemort's not there!

You may seek him 'neath a turban, with a basilisk perchance...
But Voldemort is leading his foes on a merry dance.

Lord Voldemort's an undead fiend. He's very tall and thin
With hands like whitish spiders and red eyes all sunken in.
His head looks like the ruined skull of some pre-history snake;
That helium-tinged speaking voice keeps Death Eaters awake.

He postures and pontificates--I'm sure you get the gist--
While most D.E.s pray that he'll read the famed Overlord List.

Lord Voldemort, Lord Voldemort, there's no one like Lord Voldemort,
He fears no one but Dumbledore--and, perhaps, a toddler short.
You may see him in a graveyard, or a dream that brings a scare,
But once the trio dares appear…Lord Voldemort's not there!

He's outwardly still in control, despite twelve years of death,
Though the newspapers and Skeeter mock him with every breath.
But when the Aurors raid D.E.s or that Stone disappears,
Or a fang destroys a diary he's been lurking in for years,
When a prophecy is shattered, when each chance is past repair,
There's the wonder of the thing...Lord Voldemort's not there!

Lord Voldemort, Lord Voldemort, there's no one like Lord Voldemort
His followers all fawn on him, they flatter and they pay him court
He excuses every failure--if a comment one should dare--
It's Potter's fault he didn't win! Besides, he wasn't there!

And they say that all Dark Wizards (there have always been a few)--
I might mention Lucius Malfoy, Bellatrix or Pettigrew--
Are nothing more than agents...but this warning kindly heed:
Unlike the man who is their boss, they've been known to succeed.

Lord Voldemort, Lord Voldemort, there's no one like Lord Voldemort,
He's the wizard's Joseph Stalin, two or three bricks of a load short.
He doesn't have the brains to win, by foul means or fair,
For once young Harry lifts his wand, Lord Voldemort,

Lord Voldemort, Lord Voldemort, Lord Voldemort...
It's Potter's fault he didn't win! Besides, he wasn't there!
Lord Voldemort's not there!

I won't curry love
No, I'd much rather hate
Like that dwarf who went crazy
So he could the Rhinegold take

I won't curry love
No, I'd much rather hate
I've got to curse ev'ry time
To hurt, control, annihilate

But how many headaches
Did I bear before I found a way
To let me live again
I was an ugly thing
But I kept hangin' 'round
Till I felt my strength, yeah
On the rebound
And so ever since I've said:

I won't curry love
It's a miserable fake
For the dove is too spotless
I'll take wisdom from the snake

How much must I hate
How much more can they take
Before wickedness will cause their skulls
Skulls to break?

No I can't stand to young Potter possess
He's got that ancient form of love that I detest
He made me feel that I, I can't hold him
But vicious words help renew my vim
And so ever since I've said:

I won't curry love
'Cause I love only hate
For hate is the feeling
Jo misunderestimates.

I won't curry love
No, I'd much rather hate
My disgust and my crime
Halts their metabolic rate

No, love, love, I do not see
For I keep rejecting
And disrespecting with my cold voice
All through the day and night
With offensive arms
And hellish might
I keep hating
I keep negating
They can't appease me
Can't appease me
I've always said

I won't curry love
No, I'd much rather hate
I say it's just muck and slime
Though it can be used as bait

I won't curry love
No, I'd much rather hate….

A filk by Pippin to the tune of The Dreydl Song

I had a little Horcrux
I made it from a ring
When Dumbledore destroyed it
It gave his hand a sting

Chorus:
Oh, Horcrux, Horcrux, Horcrux
I've hidden them away
And if nobody finds them
Immortal I will stay.

I had a little Horcrux
I made it from a book
A basilisk fang stabbed it
And covered it with ook.

I had a little Horcrux
I hid it in a cup
That once belonged to Helga
And Hepzibah stored up.

I had a little Horcrux
A locket made of gold
They say RAB stole it
But how remains untold

I had a little Horcrux
It might be in a snake
But living things are tricky
That could be a mistake.

I had a little Horcrux
It might be in the sword
That Dumbledore was guarding
So safely in his horde.

I had a little Horcrux
It might be in a crown
Above that busted statue
Where Harry set it down

I had a little Horcrux
It might be in the scar
On Harry Potter's forehead
But that would be bizarre!

I had a little Horcrux
I laid it on a shelf
And if you want more verses
Just make them up yourself

To the tune of Tammy Wynette's D-I-V-O-R-C-E

NOTE: My premise in this song is that Voldemort, after he acquired one, came to believe it unlucky to actually say the word "Horcrux" (just like you can't say "Macbeth" if you're appearing in a stage performance of the play).

VOLDEMORT:
My fiendish plan's to split my soul in seven different parts
With a spell that's the worst of all the evil Darkest Arts
So that is why it's like my name, that's better left unsaid
But the word that I can only spell
From my cave, alas, has fled.

My H-O-R-C-R-U-X has been stolen away
That S.O.B. R.A.B, how he's going to pay
I shall get him ASAP and he'll be facing my worst hex
He'll rue the day he took my H-O-R-C-R-U-X.

On an isle, I hid my locket
With some folks who died
They lived within a cavern I with magic fortified
With spells I cast for hurting those
Who would dare to mess with me
But now I am a victim of
A Grimmauld B & E

My H-O-R-C-R-U-X has been stolen away
That S.O.B. R.A.B, how he's going to pay
I'll hang him by his You-Know-Whats, he'll nevermore have sex
He'll rue the day he swiped my H-O-R-C-R-U-X.

To the tune of Silent E by Tom Lehrer

Name pronunciation: VOL-duh-more - the final 't' is silent, according to JKR in an interview

VOLDEMORT
You're gonna get cursed
You will be trounced
If "Lord Voldemort"
Gets mispronounced
You better humor me
With "Silent T"

I can rhyme with "war"
Not with "good sport"
I can rhyme with "gore"
Not with "Hogwarts"
So if you're filking me
Use "Silent T"

If I'm hard-core
My schemes you dare not abort!
You can deplore
If I don't come up short!

Talk like the French
Not like the Brits
Or my teeth I'll clench
I'll lose my wits
My Dark Lord name Is-Not-Named, now you see,
So they won't declaim the "T"

There's a man in Azkaban I'll never free
Because he planned to say my name with "T"

To mispronounce Herm
Isn't so rare
Misspeak magic terms
I'll never care
But if you want to suit me to a "T"
Say the "L" and C'est le vie!
And utter "R" and "D"
But don't say the "T"

A filk by Anton to the tune of More, More, More by the Andrea True Connection

LORD VOLDEMORT:
Oooh, how do you say my name?
Oooh, how do you say my name?
Well if you want to know
How my name's pronounced,
Just don't pronounce the last "t"
Or else I will get nasty
You ought to know,
The final letter's bounced,
So say it as I want it,
Or else you might get trounced

Vol-de-mor,
That's how you say it, that's how you say it
Vol-de-mor,
That's how you say it, that's how you say it
Vol-de-mor,
That's how you say it, that's how you say it

Oooh, how do you say my name?
Oooh, how do you say my name?
Well if you want to know
This hint I'll reveal:
The silent "t" in "ballet,"
You pronounce it that way
By now you know
My killing curse is real
So say it as I want it,
Have we got a deal?

Vol-de-mor,
That's how you say it, that's how you say it
Vol-de-mor,
That's how you say it, that's how you say it
Vol-de-mor,
That's how you say it, that's how you say my name

Well if you have to know
How to say my name
Just keep the last T silent
Or else I will get violent!

Vol-de-mor,
That's how you say it, that's how you say it
Vol-de-mor,
That's how you say it, that's how you say it
Vol-de-mor,
That's how you say it, that's how you say it
(fade out)

A filk by Eric Oppen to the tune of Joe Hill

I dreamed I saw Lord Voldemort
A-standing by my bed,
Said I, "For twelve years you've been gone!"
Said he "But I ain't dead!"
Said he "But I ain't dead!"

"But Harry Potter killed you, Lord,
You say that was a lie?"
"Takes more than that to kill your Lord,
I say I didn't die,
I say I didn't die!"

Lord Voldemort then smiled at me
With eyes of fiery red,
And said "My Horcrux did its work
And so I am not dead!
And so I am not dead!"

I will admit that seeing him
Gave me an awful scare,
But, Death Eaters, when you do wrong,
Lord Voldemort is there,
Lord Voldemort is there.

So cast your Dark Mark, wave your wand,
Do evil for a thrill,
For every time you do these things,
The Dark Lord's with you still,
The Dark Lord's with you still!