Peter Pettigrew

Wormytail
**For All I Became Was A Rat by R.J. Lupin
**Marauder Loser by RJ Lupin
Dumbledore's Side by Mariner
*If I Were A Bagman
Talk to Me by Kristi Miller
**Tonight's the Night When I Betray My Friends by R.J. Lupin
Blastin' in the Street
*Bite the Dust, Rat by Murasaki
*Peter the Death Eater by Indigo Ziona
The Way We Gnaw
*Rat Out of Hell by Ginger
A Lord I Can't Name
Pete Pettigrew by d*josephine and friend
*Don't Stop Bereavin' by Ginger
You'll Cut Off Your Right Hand by Gail
Yellow by Kelly Lasiter
*Peter's Silver Hand by Constance Vigilance
*Feed My Snake by Allemande
*For Pete, Snake by Tann
*I Want A Silver Hand by Allemande
*Hey Peter
*A Day in the Life (of Wormtail) by Riibu
The Creepy Dark Lord from 'bania
You're Bad for Me
**Forty-Something Pete
**I Will Survive by Ms. Gehayi

* = post-OOP
** = post-HBP

Copyright 2001-2005 by Caius Marcius, except Dumbledore's Side Copyright 2002 by Mariner; You'll Cut Off Your Right Hand Copyright 2002 by Gail Talk to Me Copyright 2002 by Kristi Miller; Pete Pettigrew Copyright 2003 by d*josephine; Yellow Copyright 2003 by Kelly Lasiter; Peter's Silver Hand Copyright 2003 by Constance Vigilance; Peter the Death Eater Copyright 2004 by Indigo Ziona; A Day in the Life (of Wormtail) Copyright 2004 by Riibu; Feed My Snake and I Want A Silver Hand Copyright 2004 by Allemande; Bite the Dust, Rat Copyright 2004 by Murasaki; For Pete, Snake Copyright 2005 by Tann; Don't Stop Bereavin' and Rat Out of Hell Copyright 2005 by Ginger; For All I Became Was A Rat, Marauder Loser and Tonight's the Night When I Betray My Friends Copyright 2005, 2006 by R.J. Lupin; I Will Survive Copyright 2007 by Ms. Gehayi

HARRY:
Than the loathsome deeds of a traitor
Heading straight for Circle Nine

BOTH (spoken)
Then let us talk Pettigrew!

BOTH (music)
Wormytail, Wormytail, Wormytail, Wormytail!
Hear his tale, hear his tale, hear his tale, hear his tale!

HARRY
Who knew that I'd combat Scabbers Rat?
Wormytail!

VOLDEMORT
My demands are so grand, lend a hand,
Wormytail!

HARRY
Soft and bald! Vold installed! I'm appalled!
Wormytail!

VOLDEMORT
There's never-ever-ever-ever-ever been a spy like Wormytail!

HARRY
I should never-ever-ever-ever-ever spare a guy like Wormytail!

BOTH
The crimes of Wormytail-ail-ail-ail-ail!

A filk by R.J. Lupin to the tune of For No One by The Beatles

And in a very rare act, I decide to give Peter Pettigrew a little sympathy song. Because when you think about it, Peter must've been a little miffled when he discovered that his Animagus form was a rat.

PETER:
We thought long
We thought wrong
And then we fin'lly knew that Moony was a werewolf
For all the full moon nights

We read more
Our head's sore
For we decided if us four were all animals
Then it all would be right

So Animagi we studied
Three years learning how to do that
I was nothing
For all I became was a rat

I was mad
I was sad
'Cause how could anyone be glad when they discover
Inside they're a rat lad?

And Animagi we studied
Three years learning how to do that
I was nothing
For all I became was a rat

Well, Moony
Cried when he
Found that he had three Animagi pals, Padfoot and Prongs
And Wormtail, that's me

The moon comes
I feel dumb
'Cause all I can do is run and I can't control him, they
Don't really need me

And Animagi we studied
Three years learning how to do that
I was nothing
For all I became was a rat

A filk by R.J. Lupin to the tune of Beauty School Drop Out from the original musical version of Grease

SCENE: After graduating Hogwarts, Peter Pettigrew has a nightmare. Voldemort is in his dream, while some Death Eaters sing backup vocals. He himself cluelessly watches them.

VOLDEMORT:
Your story's sad to tell
You've never done that well
There's so many important things you lack
Could they all be there inside?
Because you've told them to hide?
Either way, your friends laugh behind your back...

Voldemort and the Death Eaters suddenly vanish, and are replaced by James, Sirius, and Remus, who start laughing at him.

JAMES, SIRIUS, and REMUS:
Ha ha ha ha ha ha, ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha, ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

JAMES: (with Sirius and Remus singing background vocals)
Marauder loser
Getting in our group was a joke
Marauder loser
You're not the most alluring bloke
Don't you realize that you're quite useless
And everything you muck-up?
But I'll admit that you're truly blessed
At being a good suck-up!

You're fat and stupid
Why don't you hang your head in shame?
Even old Cupid
Says face the facts, you're really lame!
If you asked a girl for marriage
She would surely point and laugh
You're just not cool enough
And please, go take a bath

The three Marauders vanish and are now replaced with Voldemort and the Death Eaters again. Severus Snape and Lucius Malfoy have their masks removed.

VOLDEMORT: (with Death Eaters singing background vocals)
Marauder loser
I see you really want to win
Marauder loser
So come here and I'll clue you in
Though you're not that good at anything
You can still be my servant
No, it's not the best job life could bring
But hello, you're a rodent!

Think fast and hurry
Even dear Snape knew what to do
Came to me for tea
Got our cookies and Lucius too
While you sit and mope, you're still a dope
But there's hope to afford
Get off your lazy butt and come join the Dark Lord
Ooh....

Over a year later, Peter is responsible for James and Lily's death and has another nightmare, to the tune of the reprise

JAMES:
Loser, you blew it
You've gotten me and Lily killed
How could you do it?
Did you think that it'd be a thrill?
Padfoot wants you dead, he vowed and said
"Don't even try to run"
Might as well cry now that you've realized what you've done

NOTE: The cookie line was in relation to an icon that says 'Come join the Death Eaters- we have cookies!' and another one that crosses out 'cookies' and writes in 'Alan Rickman, Jason Isaacs, Ralph Fiennes'

A filk by Kristi Miller to the tune of Talk to Me by Stevie Nicks

Note: if you are not a Peter\Wormtail sympathizer please read with caution.

SCENE: October 26, 1981. In a office at an undisclosed location LORD VOLDEMORT sit behind a desk. A short pudgy young man with colorless hair and watery eyes stands in front of the desk.

VOLDEMORT (speaking): Welcome Wormtail. What news have you brought me?

WORMTAIL (speaking): Well... Master, I... um... On second thought, it's not important. I'd better go.

VOLDEMORT get up and walks to WORMTAIL.

VOLDEMORT (singing):
I can see you've got something on your mind
And I can see from your expression that it's got you in a bind
Quit stalling & get your mouth in gear
Don't take too much time with the words you select
You must tell me the secrets that they protect
Don't turn from me you know there's plenty here to fear

You must talk to me
Talk to me
You must talk to me
You must set those secrets free, Wormtail

Important words lying in your brain
I haven't heard you mustn't keep your secrets
Locked inside hidden safe from view
That isn't the reason I hired you
Is it all that hard
Because I can be tough

VOLDEMORT takes out his wand and points it at WORMTAIL

VOLDEMORT (singing):
Well, you can see this
That had better be enough
You wouldn't dare Apparate
But, there is something you can do

You must talk to me
Talk to me... Talk to me
You must set your secrets free, Wormtail

Though we stand face to face
Your voice still strays from
where it should meet

WORMTAIL shaking, but remains quiet.

VOLDEMORT(speaking): Crucio.

WORMTAIL falls to the ground screaming. VOLDEMORT eventually releases him.

VOLDEMORT (singing over Wormtail's whimpers):
Your stakes run high
I can be your worse fear
You can break these bonds
'Cause your not safe otherwise
You can't lose doubt
You're in more danger
Right here

You must talk to me
Talk to me
You must talk to me
You must set your secrets free, Wormtail

VOLDEMORT raises his wand to curse again.

WORMTAIL (speaking): Wait! The Potters has a Fidelius Charm cast on them and I'm their Secret Keeper. There in Godric's Hollow.

Later, WORMTAIL sits at a bar with a shot glass and an open bottle of Ogden's Old Firewhisky.

WORMTAIL(thinking\singing)
Oh, I can see you going...I can see you going
I can see you going right to Godric's Hollow
I can see their expressions when you break in
And I can see Sirius when he discovers my sin
Is was that hard
to try and be tough
Well, I've lost
my efforts weren't enough
Well, I can see myself going...I can see myself going
All the way to Hell

WORMTAIL pours himself a shot and glups it down

A filk by R.J. Lupin to the tune of Better Days by the Goo Goo Dolls.

This is about Peter on the night that he betrayed James and Lily.

PETER:
You may ask me what I'm thinking here
And I'll say the answer's getting clear
That I think it's time to come into my own
Since I never have accomplished much
And you all think I'm stupid and such
So it's time to do something that will be known

They'll notice me
But never see
My face again
And how sad they'll be
'Cause tonight's the night when I betray my friends

And I know this choice of mine's not too good
To do this-- didn't know I could
Yet I don't see what could really be so bad
There is one poor child to stop this man
So I'm asked to protect him best as I can
But if I revealed him, what could be so bad?

They'll notice me
But never see
My face again
And how sad they'll be
'Cause tonight's the night when I betray my friends

I wish somebody would understand
Why I must go and ruin what's planned
But they won't, so sadly this is how it ends

They'll notice me
But never see
My face again
And how sad they'll be
'Cause tonight's the night when I betray my friends
Yes, tonight's the night when I betray my friends.

A filk by Murasaki to the tune of Hit the Road, Jack by Ray Charles

After the death of Lily and James, Sirius accosts Peter for his role in their betrayal. He's so angry he could kill him, but Peter gets there first.

SIRUS (charging in on Peter): Bite the dust, rat, and don't you bother us no more, no more, no more, no more. Bite the dust, rat, and don't you bother us no more.

PETER (with bewildered innocence): What you say?

SIRIUS: Bite the dust, rat, and don't you bother us no more, no more, no more, no more.
Bite the dust, rat, and don't you bother us no more.

PETER: Woah, Padfoot, oh Padfoot, you treat me so mean.
You're the meanest best friend that I've ever seen.
Are you saying that it was me
Who killed James and Lily?

SIRIUS (snarling): That's right!
Bite the dust, rat, and don't you bother us no more, no more, no more, no more.
Bite the dust, rat, and don't you bother us no more.

PETER: What you say?

SIRIUS: Bite the dust, rat, and don't you bother us no more, no more, no more, no more.
Bite the dust, rat, and don't you bother us no more.

PETER: Now Padfoot, listen, Padfoot, don't treat me this way,
Cause I'll be back after you some day.

SIRIUS: Oh no you won't!
You killed James and his wife,
And you won't leave here
Intact with your life!

PETER: And you'll tell the world it was me
Who killed James and Lily?

SIRIUS: That's right!

He pulls out his wand and begins to aim at Peter.

Bite the dust, rat, and don't you bother us no more, no more, no more, no more.
Bite the dust, rat, and don't you bother us no more.

PETER (backing off, still playing confused): What you say?

SIRIUS: Bite the dust, rat, and don't you bother us no more, no more, no more, no more.
Bite the dust, rat, and don't you bother us no more.

PETER (fumbling for his wand in his back pocket): Well!

SIRIUS: Don't you bother us no more.

PETER: Uh, what you say?

SIRIUS: Don't you bother us no more.

PETER (stalling): I didn't understand you.

SIRIUS: don't you bother us no more.

PETER: You can't mean that!

SIRIUS: Don't you bother us no more.

Sirius stops walking and takes aim. Peter finally reaches his wand.

PETER (sarcastically): Oh, now, Padfoot, please!

SIRIUS: Don't you bother us no more.

Peter positions his wand behind his back.

PETER: Watch what you say to me!

SIRIUS: Don't you bother us no more.

Peter lets fly his spell with a flash, and those 13 unfortunate Muggles around him fall dead. Sirius stands, stunned, as Peter transforms into a rat and scampers off, leaving only his finger.

PETER: Oh, don't forget this rat!

SIRIUS (convinced Peter killed himself): Don't you bother us no more!

He laughs madly, unaware that the rat has slipped into the sewer just by his feet.

A filk by Indigo Ziona to the tune of Nellie the Elephant by the Toy Dolls

To Hogwarts
Prongs, Padfoot and Moony came
Tagging behind was young Pettigrew One dark night
He left James and his kid
Then off he flew to You-Know-Who
And told him where they hid

Peter the Death Eater left his friends
And went to work for the Dark Lord
Off he went with a squeakety-squeak
Squeak, squeak, squeak
Peter the Death Eater, little rat
Was scared of his comeuppance
Off he went with a squeakety-squeak
Squeak, squeak, squeak

Sirius Black
Is now out of Azkaban
Wormtail's the rat that's on the run
So catch him if you can
That black dog
Is far worse than any cat
He wants to eat some nice fresh meat
And has a taste for rat...

Lord Voldemort is calling
Far, far away
(And venom to take from a vicious snake
Seems safer any day)
So Peter the Death Eater scurried off
He's a really accomplished coward
Off he went with a squeakety-squeak
Squeak, squeak, squeak.

To the tune of Marvin Hammlisch's The Way We Were

The Scene: The Forbidden Forest outside Hogwarts. We discover, fleeing in panic from those who would bring him to justice, a lone rat, who upon closer examination turns out to be SCABBERS , aka PETER PETTIGREW, or WORMTAIL, or whatever it is he's calling himself these days. He pauses to catch his breath, and reflects upon his sudden reversal of fortune.

SCABBERS
Mammals always have such teeth and claws
But especially us rodents, that's the way we gnaw

Shattered pictures of the form I left behind
Never more will Weasley's pellets be the thing I gnaw

Can it be that I betrayed my ev'ry friend?
Or that I've chosen the wrong side?
Since I have the chance to do it all again, will I be a greater traitor?

Obscur'ty can be wonderful and yet
As the servant of Lord Voldemort, I assume a heavy debt
Now, Fate says "You're up!," so I'm off to Eastern Europe
To help Voldy get things stirred up - it's just the way he awes…….

A filk by Ginger to the tune of Bat Out of Hell by Meat Loaf.

Pettigrew remembers the night he was outed in the Shrieking Shack and began his life on the run back to LV:

PETER:
The Wolfsbane not taken and the werewolf is howling
Way down by the forest tonight.
There's a man who's transforming and the gleam in his eye
And his teeth shining oh so bright.
There's fear that's in the air and a full moon in the sky,
And a killer's out to make things right.
And down in the tunnels from which we are arising
Where I once went as a young boy with the Marauders,
He was starting to foam in the night.

(pre-chorus)
Oh, Master, you're the only one in this whole world
That's mad and full of might.
And wherever you are and wherever you go,
There's always gonna be a fight.
But I gotta get out, I gotta break out now
Before Old Sevvie sees I'm gone.
So I gotta make the most of this chance- now or never.
If I don't oh, you know,
I'll go to Azkaban.

(chorus)
Like a rat out of hell, I'll be gone to Albania.
When the night is over, like a rat out of hell,
I'll be gone, gone, gone.
Like a rat out of hell, I'll be gone to Albania.
But when the trip is done
And I find my Lord
And he sees devotion true.
I'll say "My Master, I've searched for you forever;
And I'm groveling now to you."

I'm gonna hit the forest like a Banishing Curse
From a dragon-heart/Sequoia wand.
As soon as I transform, I'll be off to Apparate
And I'm off with the Dark Lord to bond.
Though life was really good in the Weasley Burrow,
Now everything is totally lost.
And, yeah, it really sucks, but now, unless I roll,
You know I'm gonna pay the cost.

Well, I know that I'm damned if I cannot get out,
And maybe I'm damned if I do.
But, My Master, you know that I'm just too faint of heart
And so I want to align with you.
If I gotta be damned, you know I'd rather be damned,
Rather be aligned with you.
Well, if I gotta be damned, you know I'd rather be damned
Gotta be damned, you know I'd rather be damned,
Gotta be damned, you know I'd rather be damned,
Rather be aligned,
Rather be aligned,
Rather be aligned with you.

repeat pre-chorus and chorus

I'll say "My Master, I've searched for you forever;
And I'm groveling now to you."

Well, I can see myself, tearing out of here
Faster than any other rat has ever gone.
And my paws are tired, but my soul is wired
And Sirius can't stop me now,
I'm gonna make my escape.
And I can't stop thinking of you
And I never see you Crucio until you're real irate.

And I never see you Crucio until you're real irate.

Then I'm down in the middle of a wood in Albania.
Down and pledging my own soul to a writhing snake.
And I think somebody somewhere is in Dementor hell.
But the one thing for me is my heart's still beating,
'Cause it's still in my body. 'Cause I got away
Like a rat out of hell.

Then I'm down in the middle of a wood in Albania.
Down and pledging my own soul to a writhing snake.
And I think somebody somewhere is in Dementor hell.
But the one thing for me is my heart's
Still beating, Still beating,
'Cause it's still in my body.
'Cause I got away
Like a rat out of hell.
Like a rat out of hell.

A filk by d*josephine and friend to the tune of Runaround Sue by Dion and the Belmonts

THE SCENE: A desolate Albanian graveyard. Enter BERTHA JORKINS and CHORUS OF GHOSTS

BERTHA
Here's my story it's true but sad
It's about a guy that went so bad
He took my mind to help restore
The evil Dark Lord Voldemort

BERTHA and CHORUS
Hey hey.....hey hey......oh. oh hey hey.....(continue)

BERTHA
Yeah I should've known it from right off the bat
This guy would prove to be a total rat
Listen, witches, what I'm telling you
Keep away from Pete Pettigrew

I thought he died without leavin' a trace
Then inside an inn I once more saw his face
He said he was here trackin' down You-Know-Who
Secret Agent Pete Pettigrew

BERTHA and CHORUS
Hey hey.....hey hey......oh. oh hey hey.....(continue)

BERTHA
Ah, he helped unravel my mind
He Charmed me and then Cursed me blind
Pettigrew ignored all my pleas
He's the worst of the DEs

Here's the moral and the story from a gal who knows
Don't tell on Florence or Crouch expose
Don't think Ludo's gonna rescue you, he won't
If you're snagged by Pete Pettigrew

He loves to grovel to Vold
He loves to crawl through rat holes
Pete did things that appall, but hey,
Exactly what, I can't recall

Here's the moral and the story from a gal who knows
Don't tell on Florence or Crouch expose
Don't think Ludo's gonna rescue you, he won't
If you're snagged by Pete Pettigrew…..

A filk by Ginger to the tune of Don't Stop Believin' by Journey

The setting: Albania, shortly after the end of PoA. Begin piano.

Just a nosy girl, working in the Wizard World.
She had to Apparate to Albania.
Just a Wizard boy, no more Animagus ploy.
Took rat-infested grain to Albania.

He'd seen her in a roadside room.
Walked with her to meet her doom.
Made her talk, and to his delight,
She goes on and on and on and on...

Stranger slithers, up and down the forest dark
A shadow listening in the night.
Memories freeing. Curses cast by rat's devotion.
Hiding somewhere in her mind.

Working hard to overkill.
Now her mind is dead and still.
She said everything and said it twice,
And one more time.
Crouch would win, Crouch would lose.
Junior sang the prison blues.
But his prison never ends,
It goes on and on and on and on...

(chorus)
Don't stop bereavin'
Kill her- her mind's reelin'
Memories freein', oh, woah.

(repeat)

A filk by Kelly Lasiter to the tune of Yellow by Coldplay

This is what resulted when I got to thinking about the symbolism of Ron's attempt to turn "Scabbers" yellow on the train in PS/SS.

Cast: RON, SIRIUS, PETTIGREW, VOLDEMORT

RON:
Got Percy's rat,
So fat and useless too;
A spell I tried to do,
To turn him all yellow.

SIRIUS:
That's not a rat!
That's Peter Pettigrew.
He's hiding out with you,
'Cause he is all yellow.

Tonight I'll take my turn,
Do what they think I have done.
And kill that rat fellow.

His skin, oh yeah his skin and bones
Turn in...into a human form
D'you know, you know I hate him so.
You know I hate him so.

VOLDEMORT:
A coward still,
You'd be in Timbuktu
If you could flee or Floo,
Deep down you're all yellow.

PETTIGREW:
I'll give my hand,
I'll give my hand to you,
I'll prove that I am true,
And not just all yellow.

VOLDEMORT:
Your skin, oh yeah your skin and bones
Helped me regain my human form.

PETTIGREW:
D'you know, for you I'll bleed Harry dry
For you I'll bleed Harry dry

VOLDEMORT, of course, rewards PETTIGREW, who gazes lovingly at his new silver hand

PETTIGREW:
It's true
Look how it shines for you
Look how it shines for you
Look how it shines for...
Look how it shines for you
Look how it shines for you
Look how it shines...

My silver hand,
Look how it shines for you.,
And all the things you do...

A filk by Constance Vigilance to the tune of the Beatles' Maxwell's Silver Hammer

James was tragical studied Animagical science in the dorm
Late night all alone with his best friend Black, oh oh oh
Peter Pettigrew one night bid his bed adieu
Stumbles on the pair
Teach me how to change to a different form, oh oh oh
Little did the three of them know in twenty years or so
Bang bang Peter's silver hand will come down on someone's head
Bang bang Peter's silver hand will make sure someone's dead

Back in school again James would play the fool again, Lily gets annoyed
Wishing to avoid an unpleasant scene, oh oh oh
She tells James OK, he can date her straight away
And before too long
Singing cupid's song, there's a wedding planned, oh oh oh
Peter gets Fidelius charm, which is a big mistake
Bang bang Peter's sneaky manner exposed their safety stead
Bang bang Peter's snakey master made sure both were dead

In the Shrieking Shack, Marauders get their vengeance back, Peter stands alone
Pleading for his wretched life to be spared, oh oh oh
Harry stops the fatal blow, saves the ratfink Peter so
Peter gets away
Coming back to make a rebirthing brew, oh oh oh
Now the Dark Lord's solid again and a year or two from now
Bang bang Peter's silver hand will come down on someone's head
Bang bang Peter's silver hand will make sure someone's dead.

Silver handed man, silver handed man

A filk by Allemande to the tune of the Beatles' Drive My Car

PETER:
Asked a man what he wanted to be,
He said, Peter, can't you see?
I wanna be famous, the scare of G.B.
And you can do something good for me:

Peter, you can feed my snake
Yes I'm gonna be a quake
Peter, you can feed my snake
And maybe I'll keep you

I told that man that my prospects were good,
He said, Peter, it's understood,
Working for Albus is all very fine
But I can show you a better time

Peter, you can feed my snake
Human bones and bits of steak
Peter, you can feed my snake
And maybe I'll spare you

Beep beep mm, beep beep yeah!

I told that man I could start right away,
And he said listen, Pete, I've got something to say,
I'm full of greed and I don't have a heart,
But I've found a traitor and that's a start

Peter, you can feed my snake
Trusting me is no mistake
Peter, you can feed my snake
And I will reward you...

Beep beep mm, beep beep yeah!

A filk by Tann to the tune of For Pete's Sake by Joseph Richards and Peter Tork of the Monkees

WORMTAIL:
Voldemort's demanding,
And he won't forgive mistake.
Voldemort's demanding
That I milk his bloody snake.

His regeneration
He owes all to me.
My remuneration
Is to tit-jerk Nagini.

Was I born to fondle a boa?
If it's milk Big V.'ll need,
Won't a cow do well as a boa?
Nobody considers my needs --
Nobody thinks of Pete!
Poor me!

His regeneration,
He's got it all planned,
And his intimation
Is that I'll give him a hand.

Was I born to feed Voldy's boa,
And am I the serpent-feed?
If I give the slip to the boa,
That maniac Black is still free --
He only thinks of Pete!
Poor me!

Voldemort's demanding, (His regeneration)
Poor pitiful me!
Voldemort's demanding, (His regeneration)
Poor pitiful me!
His regeneration (His regeneration)
Voldemort's demanding.
Poor pitiful me! (His regeneration)
Poor pitiful me! (His regeneration)
Poor pitiful me! (His regeneration)
Poor pitiful meeeeeeee!

A filk by Allemande to the tune of The Beatles' I Wanna Hold Your Hand

PETER, having rolled on the floor sobbing for at least two pages, suddenly gets up and faces Voldemort.

Oh yeah, I'll tell you something
It's all just like you planned
Now you owe me something:
I want a Silver Hand
I want a Silver Ha-a-a-a-aaand
I want a Silver Hand

Oh please, say to me
You'll let me kill wolfman
And please, say to me
I'll get a Silver Hand
I want a Silver Ha-a-a-a-aaand
I want a Silver Hand

And when I touch my old friend Remus (I lied)
He'll end up screaming and, my Lord,
He can't hide, he can't hide, he can't hiiiiide…

Yeah, you're good at something
That I don't understand
If I tried that something,
I'd get a Kappa's Hand
I want a Silver Ha-a-a-a-aaand
I want a Silver Hand

And when I poke it into Moony's left side,
He'll end up begging and, my Lord,
He can't hide, he can't hide, he can't hiiiiide…

Yeah, you've got that something
So powerful and grand
For fear of that something
I chopped off my old hand
I want a Silver Ha-a-a-a-aaand
I want a Silver Hand
I want a Silver Ha-a-a-a-a-a-aaand

A filk by Riibu to the tune of A Day in the Life by the Beatles

WORMTAIL:
I read the news today oh boy
About a wizard who was put in jail
And though the news was rather sad
Well I just had to laugh
I saw the photograph

He blew a whole street before him
He didn't notice that his luck had changed
A crowd of Muggles died out there
They saw my wand before
Nobody did really know
that it was me who blew it all

I saw my Lord today oh boy
The wizard glory had wore out of him
At first I tried to turn away
But I just had to look
Similarly crooked

I'd like to choose once more

Woke up, milked the snake
Fed my Lord a bit too late
Heard my master's plan and almost choked
But seeing him I knew that I was doomed
Found his robes and let him rest
He's a demon, I'm a pest
Found my way downstairs and had a smoke
Somebody tell me this is just a dream

I made a count today oh boy
Four hundred graves in Little Hangleton
And though the graves were rather old
They interested my Lord
Now I know how flesh of mine
Will be the bane that caused it all

I'd like to choose once more

To the tune of It's Bad for Me from Cole Porter's Nymph Errant

THE SCENE: Late night at a favorite Dark Wizard watering hole, we discover VOLDEMORT and WORMTAIL, both having had a few drinks too many…

WORMTAIL
You're bad for me
So bad for me
I grovel at your every command to me
You got me to cut off my hand from me
You're so bad for me

VOLDEMORT
I'm so good for you, so cool for you
I helped bring about a renewal for you
I got you to finally leave ol' Hogwarts School
I'm so good for you

WORMTAIL
I'm good for you
You were more dead than alive
Dwelling with the rodents and snakes
I found you and bought you back home
In just a couple of rat tail shakes

VOLDEMORT
You're so bad for me, it's bad for me
Harry could've killed you, yet he showed mercy

BOTH
It's really regretted I'm/you're so deeply indebted
To a kid who's no good for me

VOLDEMORT
Years ago, we both pooled our forces
To make sure that James was undone

WORMTAIL
But since, we've nothing but trouble
From his miserable runty son

BOTH
Are you good for me?
Or bad for me?
The answer should be patent yet it's hard to see
It's awfully confusing
Am I winning or losing?
Are you good or are you bad for me?

NOTE: Objections have been raised that Pete was a few years shy of 40 as of Book Six's beginning - but rather than title the song "30-Something Pete," I decided to stay closer to the orginal's title. I could simply invoke Peter in his decidedly Forty-Something cinematic incarnation, but let's instead devise a Lt. Kije scenario: we'll just say that Narcissa got Peter's age from the Death Eater HR office, and that, in addition to stripping Pettigrew of every vestige of dignity and assigning him to perform humiliatingly menial duties, Voldemort also couldn't be bothered to correctly record Pettigrew's date of birth in his personnel file, and so a few extra years got mistakenly tacked on. (Naturally, no one wants to tell the Dark Lord that he is in error!)

A filk by Ms. Gehayi to the tune of Gloria Gaynor's I Will Survive

PETER:
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
There's nothing quite like knowing every side is suicide.
And so I spent twelve solid years
Living as the Weasleys' rat--
I'd still be that,
If not for that girl's damned cat!
And so I fled to Europe's woods;
I thought that my luck was due to turn to something halfway good.
I should have flown into the States,
I should have fled to N.Y.C.--
If I'd've known for just one second he'd back to bother me…
I'd like to go, just walk away,
But there's nowhere left
That I can run--he'd find me, anyway.
He's taken me apart, torn my heart and then my soul;
I didn't crumble
And now I'm grabbing back control.

It's not a lie, I will survive
And I'll take him down in such a way that Harry's cause will thrive.
I'm a killer, I've betrayed--
And yet I'll give the boy some aid. And I'll survive,
I will survive. Hey, hey.

It took all the strength I had to endure the pain
That he used to break my mind and will and drive me half insane.
And I won't talk about the dreams
Of the murders of my friends. I used to cry…
But now his plans have gone awry.
He doesn't know that he can die--
A vengeful slave's a bad choice upon whom to rely.
He doesn't know that graveyard potion
Restored his mortality,
He'll find it out at wandpoint, end as battleground debris!

It's not a lie, I will survive
And I'll take him down in such a way that Harry's cause will thrive.
I'm a killer, I've betrayed--
And yet I'll give the boy some aid. And I'll survive,
I will survive. Hey, hey,
I will survive.