* = post-OOP
** = post-HBP
*** = post-DH
Copyright 2001, 2003, 2007 by Caius Marcius except It's Not Easy Being Mean Copyright 2002 by Ellen Anglin; Torturing Muggles in the Dark Copyright 2002 by Mariner; I Love Lucius Copyright 2002 by Serena Brewster & Audra Hammer; Crying In Azkaban and There Is A Place in the North Sea Copyright 2004, 2006 by Chris Caton-Greasley; Elf! Copyright 2004 by Constance Vigilance; Stuck Here in Azkaban Copyright 2005 by dungrollin; Narcissa Malfoy Copyright 2006 by loki; Master Don't Screech Copyright 2006 by by Alessandra C.; Don't Be the Muggle Copyright 2006 by Salazar; Cell in Azkaban Copyright 2006 by JustJeanette
To the tune of Henry Chapin's Cat in the Cradle
THE SCENE: The Malfoy Estate. Enter LUCIUS MALFOY, and DRACO (as a toddler)
LUCIUS: Draco my son was born to wealth and fame
But would he add luster to our family name?
As I watched him eating in his lobster bib
I had this horrible feeling he'd turn out a Squib
But as soon as he could talk I heard him give me a clue
He said
DRACO (as toddler): I'm gonna root for You-Know-Who, Dad
You know that I'll serve You-Know-Who
LUCIUS: That's the brat I've enabled with a silver spoon
And with Death Eaters he'll some day commune
DRACO (as toddler): When will He come back, Dad?
LUCIUS: I don't know when
We're gonna have a good time then son
BOTH: We're gonna fry some Mudbloods then!
Dissolve to the teen DRACO
LUCIUS: Draco went to Hogwarts on that Express train
His demeanor dripped with ice-cold disdain
He was placed in Slytherin by the Sorting Hat
As if there were ever any doubt of that
And he sent an owl to me after his debut
That said
DRACO: (as teen) I'll always root for You-Know-Who, Dad
You know that I'll serve You-Know-Who
LUCIUS: You're the brat I enabled with a silver spoon
Got you on the team with a high-priced broom
DRACO : When will He come back, Dad?
LUCIUS: I don't know when
We're gonna have a good time then son
BOTH: You're/I'm gonna get your/my Dark Mark then!
LUCIUS: Enrolled in Hogwarts he did real fine
Beat up kids from Hufflepuff all the time
Got nice and cozy with Professor Snape
But he needed to get his grades in better shape
Cause that Granger girl was doing better than you
He said
DRACO: I'm so busy serving You-Know-Who, Dad
I root so hard for You-Know-Who.
LUCIUS: He's the brat I enabled with a silver spoon
Who makes each Gryffindor student fume
DRACO: Is He ever coming back?
LUCIUS: Quite soon and then
We're gonna have a good time when, son,
BOTH: We slaughter Harry Potter then!
LUCIUS: Now the Dark Lord is back and aren't we ever glad!
We're all proud to join his new jihad
After Cedric was killed I was pleased to note
That Draco set aside a little time to gloat
When I said, we'll get some changes made without more adieu
He drawled
DRACO: You-Know-Who at last came through, Dad
Can't wait till I serve You-Know-Who
BOTH: Here's/I'm the brat I've/you've enabled with a silver spoon
He's/I'm home for the summer every year in June
DRACO: Am I going back to Hogwarts, Dad?
LUCIUS: I don't see how
But we're gonna have a good time now son
BOTH: We'll both be Unforgiven now!
A filk by Mariner to the tune of Poisoning Pigeons in the Park by Tom Lehrer
The Scene: Lucius Malfoy is preparing for an evening's entertainment.
LUCIUS:
Ain't it sweet, ain't it grand,
Spreading terror across the land,
I think a Dark Revel tonight is the finest way
To play. (You don't say?)
This one thing makes a fling just right for me,
Livens up every Saturday night for me...
Every sadistic ploy makes life more of a joy
When we're torturing Muggles in the dark.
It will be quite a sight at the Manor tonight
As we're torturing Muggles in the dark.
Those inferior folks will find life quite unlivable
When we show them why Crucio is Unforgivable.
Oh, we'll all have a blast at this evening's repast
As we're torturing Muggles in the dark.
We've gained notoriety, and caused much anxiety,
In the Wizarding Society with our games.
With sickening piety and prissy sobriety
They speak of our impiety and call it a shame.
But I don't see why someone should boggle
At the thought of tormenting a Muggle.
So whenever you're bored, come and join the Dark Lord
And we'll torture some Muggles in the dark.
And maybe we'll gore a Mudblood or four,
While we torture some Muggles in the dark
We'll tear them apart in a show of devotion,
Except for a few Snape can poison with potions...
To hex and to curse we're by no means averse,
And we won't reimburse the expense of a hearse
After torturing Muggles in the dark.
A filk by Ellen Anglin to the tune of It's Not Easy Being Green from The Muppet Movie
LUCIUS MALFOY
It's not that easy being mean,
Spending every day pretending "Cruel" is not your scene,
When it would be so much nicer hexing muggles, torturing mudbloods,
And making them kiss your feet!
It's not easy being mean,
No one appreciates, just how hard it's been,
Building power within the Ministry, reputation and status
Since the Dark Lord's been gone….
So mean's the way I get my thrills,
And mean's a means to my ends,…
And mean can be such a sweet feeling, when you're bashing a Weasley,
Or kicking an Elf!
So what if mean makes people wince?
When Voldie's Emperor, then I'll be a Dark Prince,
It's no wonder that I'm mean, and it'll do fine, it's Wicked!
And it's exactly what I want to be!
A filk by Serena Brewster and Audra Hammer to the tune of the I Love Lucy theme
NARCISSA:
I love Lucius and he loves me.
We're a pureblooded family,
And you won't hear us complain
When Voldemort rises up again.
Lucius' passion you can't assuage.
I'm his missus and he's my mage.
We're as evil as evil can be!
Oh, I love Lucius,
Yes I love Lucius,
And Lucius loves me…
A filk by Constance Vigilance to the tune of Help! by the Beatles
THE SCENE - Lucius Malfoy, frustrated at the lack of cooperation he is getting from his House Elf, sings out his displeasure.
LUCIUS:
Elf! My servant, Dobby.
Elf! Though your knees are knobby,
Elf! Get here this minute! Elf!
The Malfoy Manor, with its chambers by the score,
Needs constant cleaning. Look! There's dirt here on the floor!
I need my jacket pressed, the litter box needs dumping.
Feed the ghoul, vacuum the pool, and polish up the door.
Elf! Take those cobwebs down off the ceiling.
Milk the cow and fix the barn, the paint is peeling.
Elf! Get me some tea, make it Darjeeling.
Worthless, Elf! So help me!
Pour me a brandy now, you know how that relaxes.
Helpful is what you should be like that house elf of the Blacks is.
Clean out the parlour flue, the bathroom pipes need caulking,
Rewind the clocks and wash my socks, the Sphinx is due a walking.
Elf! You clumsy git, you burned the bacon
My martini should be stirred and never shaken.
Elf, you're Oliver and I'm your Fagin.
Worthless, Elf! So help me!
Mistress Narcissa needs her roots retouched today
When done with that, go feed the bat and polish the buffet.
If you have misbehaved or spoken out unwisely
Bad house elf, punish yourself - the method you devise.
Elf, my ermine robe is needing pressing
Looking good is just the curse of those noblessing.
I'll blame you if I am not impressing.
Worthless Elf! So help me! Dobby, House Elf, oh.
To the tune of Bye-Bye Love by the Everly Brothers
THE SCENE: The Malfoy Estate, the summer of 1993. LUCIUS breaks the news to NARCISSA that they will be henceforth deprived of house-elf services.
LUCIUS & NARCISSA
Bye bye, elf.
Bye bye, cleanliness
Hello, what a mess
I think that I see grime
Bye bye, elf.
Bye bye, posh address.
Domestic distress
Will drive us both awry-ry
Bye bye, our elf, goodby-ye.
LUCIUS
There goes our Dobby
Far from our street
That Potter gave him
Socks for his feet.
He was our servant
'Til he got threads
Goodbye to breakfasts
He served in bed.
LUCIUS & NARCISSA
Bye bye, elf.
Bye bye, cleanliness
Hello, what a mess
I think that I see grime
Bye bye, elf.
Bye bye, flashiness
Hello, moldiness.
We can't keep this house dry-y
NARCISSA
Our home once sparkled.
With flair and grace.
Soon it will look like
12 Grimmauld Place
Why must our home turn
To a latrine?
Because no Malfoy
Knows how to clean
LUCIUS & NARCISSA
Bye bye, elf.
Bye bye, loftiness
Hello, tawdriness.
Good help's hard to come by-y.
Bye bye, elf.
Bye bye, loveliness.
Hello, shoddiness.
Let's give this broom a try-y
Bye bye, our elf, goodby-ye.
Bye bye, our elf, goodby-ye.
Bye bye, our elf, goodby-ye.
LUCIUS & NARCISSA spend several hours trying to charm a broom into sweeping the floor on its own, before realizing they are using a spell from a discarded Fantasia script
A filk by Chris to the tune of Crying in the Rain by Whitesnake
LUCIUS:
A Death Eater moans when he's stuck with the dementors,
A Malfoy howls when he's lonely in the night,
Narcissa goes crazy with the thought of retribution
And I can't stop weeping when I'm stuck in Azkaban.
I keep on dreaming memories of my past
Feel I'm wasting my time the dementors steal them all.
Always taking my chances on another dream of Voldy
But, a heart full of sorrow is all they are looking for.
It's quiet now, but they'll be back again soon.
No one understands the heartache,
No one feels the pain,
'Cos no one ever sees the tears when you're stuck in Azkaban
Crying thro the pain (repeat as req'd)
I can never deny all the curses that I've cast,
Tho' I ignored Lord Voldy I did come back again.
I know why I'm in here There's no hope of escape yet
I can't seem to block them out; they suck out all my joys.
The sun is shining, Oh Narcissa, it's raining in Azkaban.
You'll never understand the heartache,
Never feel this pain,
You'll never see my tears, as I am stuck in Azkaban
A filk by dungrollin to the tune of When You Are Old And Grey by Tom Lehrer
Lucius, languishing in his cell in Azkaban, sings a paean to his master
LUCIUS:
Oh, I still appreciate him
The Dark Lord - I'm his man,
I've more sense than to hate him
Stuck here in Azkaban,
He'll be here any minute now
I'll be out of here like that,
The Dementors deserted,
The new guards disconcerted,
He'll AK them in seconds flat.
His quirks anatomical
Up close are not comical,
From toenail to follicle
He is quite diabolical;
A mess psychological
It's all pathological,
Please don't call me cynical
His problems are clinical;
His flaws astronomical
A psychopath chronical,
Don't think me ironical
His evil's canonical;
Of sins there's a chronicle
(some are not chronological)
But I'll be economical
For I grow hyperbolical;
He'll be here soon with Bella
The escape at last succeeds,
We'll be out of here together
And back to our misdeeds,
I'd do anything for him at all
O rescue me my Lord!
Pity my struggles,
Here I can't torture Muggles,
I'm really getting bored.
Annoying thought: If Voldy's bald, does that mean he doesn't have any follicles?
A filk by Alessandra C. to the tune of Papa Don't Preach by Madonna
LUCIUS MALFOY:
Master, I know you're going to be upset
'Cause I said it was the Imperius curse,
But you should know I am
Your faithful servant
You always taught me crime will pay
I swear I'll serve you till my last day
I may be cruel at heart
And you know what I'm saying
The thing you warned us all about
The one you said you could do without
He's now in an awful mess, and we'll have no mercy - please
Master don't screech, (I'm in trouble deep)
Master don't screech, (I've a fame to keep)
But I made up my mind, I'm offering my son, oh
I'm gonna give you my son, yeah ...
He says that he's going to kill you
Wants to revenge his family,
I'll get that sphere for you
It's a sacrifice
But my mates keep telling me to come back
Saying I'm not good to bring it back
What I need right now is your support, please
Master don't screech, (I'm in trouble deep)
Master don't screech, (I've a fame to keep)
But I made up my mind, I'm offering my son, oh
I'm gonna give you my son, yeah ...
Master, Master if you could only see
Just how good my perfect plan will be
You'd give me your blessing right now
'Cause I am the man, I am the man, so please
Master don't screech, (I'm in trouble deep)
Master don't screech, (I've a fame to keep)
But I made up my mind, I'm offering my son, oh
I'm gonna give you my son, yeah ...
Oh, I'm gonna give you my son, ooh
Please stop suspecting me, Master
I know, I'm giving you my son.
A filk by Chris Caton-Greasley to the tune of The House of the Rising Sun by the Animals
LUCIUS:
There is a place in the North Sea
They call it Azkaban
And it's been the home of this Death Eater
For many and moon and more
My son he is a hopeless case
He'll ne'er repay my debt
His mother is a Black at heart
A deal with Snape she must make
Draco the fool must do the task
That I was going to do
To lay that old fool to his rest
Dumbledore's rule is o'er
------ dementor freeze ------
Narcissa do tell Draco
Not to 'ere as I have done
Voldemort will have his revenge
And he'll dwell here in Azkaban
My fate is with a Muggle now
And for her pen I am bound to wait
Ms Rowling, please release me
From this cold unforgiving place
Well, there is a place in the North Sea
They call it Azkaban
And it's been the home if many a Death Eater
And Lord I know I'm one
A filk by JustJeanette to the tune of The House of the Rising Sun by the Animals
There is a cell in Azkaban
It is where Lucius stays
And it's been his home since he failed Voldemort
And it's there I hope he stays
His master is the Dark Lord
A man you do not cross
He failed to regain the Prophecy
Shattered with a toss
Now the only thing a Death Eater needs
Is a Muggle and a curse
And the only time he's satisfied
Is when the Muggle's in a hearse
------ organ solo ------
Oh Master tell your Faithful
Not to do what I have done
Else they'll spend lives in sin and misery
In the is a cell in Azkaban
Well my face is near a Dementor
My soul it plans to drain
I'm goin' to die in Azkaban
For I failed my master again
There is a cell in Azkaban
It's were Lucius stays
And it's been his home since he failed Voldemort
And it's there I hope he stays
A filk by Salazar to the tune of Don't Be the Bunny from the musical Urinetown.
The Scene: DRACO is visiting his father in Azkaban. LUCIUS is explaining to DRACO the benefits of being a Death Eater. He decides to try a new tack: the awful extended metaphor. A CHORUS OF PRISONERS supports him.
LUCIUS
A silly Muggle on the subway
He's riding on it to his job
He's sitting happily and dreaming, yes
His newest pocket watch is gleaming, yes
One "Crucio!" and he's a screaming mess!
Good bye, Muggle rot
Voldie's chum you're not!
Get me, mates?
CHORUS
Completely, sir.
LUCIUS
Don't be the Muggle
Don't be the rot
Don't be the victim
You'd regret it quite a lot!
The Dark Lord's side
Will win this struggle
With homicide.
Don't be the Muggle!
Don't be the Muggle!
DRACO (spoken)
But father, we're dealing with Dumbledore here, not a Muggle.
LUCIUS (spoken)
Dumbledore loves Muggles, Draco.
DRACO
Yes, but that doesn't make him one.
LUCIUS
No, it makes him worse, which is why you have to kill him,
Draco!
(sung) A bloody Muggle girl is pregnant
And it turns out the kid's a girl
This Muggle child isn't like the rest
Although her parents never could've guessed
She goes to Hogwarts and becomes the best
Well, we'll see if she's so skilled
When Miss Granger winds up killed!
See the outcome, Draco?
DRACO
Yes, I think so, dad.
LUCIUS
Don't be the Muggle
Don't be their kid
You'll just be murdered
'Cause the light side's on the skids.
With the Dark Side
You have to snuggle
Show pureblood pride!
Don't be the Muggle.
Don't be the Muggle.
DRACO (spoken)
Well, I am pissed off at Granger…
LUCIUS (spoken)
I thought so.
DRACO
But father, Dumbledore's a pureblood!
LUCIUS
Oh, is he?
DRACO
Yeah, I'm pretty sure he is.
LUCIUS
He's less of a pureblood than Arthur Weasley, and that's
saying something!
DRACO
Dad, you're not making any sense.
LUCIUS (sung)
A bloody Muggle
Has a daughter
The girl's got red hair and green eyes
This girl's a bright one, and the boldest sort
But when her secret keeper sold her short,
She wound up murdered by Lord Voldemort!
He destroyed the bloody trollop
Though her love could pack a wallop!
Grasp my meaning, son?
DRACO
Not a problem, dad!
LUCIUS, CHORUS
Don't be the Muggle
Don't be the scum
You won't be murdered
LUCIUS
Just like Harry Potter's mum!
ALL
Your loyalties
You cannot juggle
Join the DE's
Don't be the Muggle!
Don't be the Muggle!
Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah!
A filk by loki to the tune of Mrs. Robinson by Simon & Garfunkel
And here's to you, Narcissa Malfoy
You'll miss Lucius more than you will know, oh oh oh
The Dark Lord ain't pleased, Narcissa Malfoy
Now it is your son he wants to slay, hey hey hey
We'd like to know what happened at the Ministry
We'd like to know why Lucius's in jail
Look around you, all you see are bloody Death Eaters
Bad luck, your son has become one of them
How cruel for you, Narcissa Malfoy
Draco mistakes more than he will know, oh oh oh
Do something now, Narcissa Malfoy
His assignment is far too hard for him, hey hey hey
Going to a slummy place where no one else would go,
Followed all the way by Bellatrix.
It's a serious secret, just the Dark Lord's affair.
Most of all she wants to look after her kid.
Here's Pettigrew, Narcissa Malfoy
Snape will help you more than he will know, oh oh oh
At Spinner's End, Narcissa Malfoy
Severus will try to ease your pain, hey hey hey.
Sitting on his sofa while Sister Bella argues,
Snape says the Dark Lord trusts him
Laughs about it, shouts about it
When she starts to weep
No matter what, he must help Cissy.
He has done it, the Unbreakable Vow,
Now he will watch over Draco for you.
What's that you say, Narcissa Malfoy
Dumbledore will have to go away, hey hey hey.
To the tune of Conway Twitty's It's Only Make Believe
THE SCENE: The Malfoy Manor. The Death Eater Who Came to Dinner is wearing out his welcome with the Malfoys.
LUCIUS:
People sometimes may declare
That I am Voldy's heir
But the Dark Lord makes me heave
If we could only make him leave
He came to our estate, and makes us so irate
Took over the master suite, won't put down the toilet seat
Gives our Manor no respect, now it's all a total wreck
Dotes all the time on Snape, gets mad over one escape
If we could only make him leave.
Toward Narcissa he gets mean, will not keep the kitchen clean
Takes my wand away from me, treats Draco like a dummy
Makes our other guests succumb as he throw AK tantrums
He's even making mock of our beloved peacock
If we could only make him leave.
All night long he shrieks and yells, overcrowds our dungeon cells,
Wakes each morning with a scowl, scorches Dark Marks on our towels
Eats us out of house and home, lets that serpent freely roam
He's truly not Dark Side, he's Sheridan Whiteside
If only Harry makes him leave……
To the tune of Stand By Your Man by Tammy Wynette
THE SCENE: NARCISSA MALFOY explains her DH behaviors
NARCISSA:
Some times it's hard to be a mother
When you have a lovely son like mine.
But the Dark Lord became our landlord,
Draco's life he tried to undermine.
Because I love him, had to save him -
Even went to Spinners End to whine.
Vold weren't forgiving, now he ain't living,
But I have preserved our male line.
Stand by your clan, to stop Vold's military,
I offered aid to Harry to save my one and only.
Voldy can scram, who cares what became of him,
But Scorpius must have his Gran!
I'm no Sheehan!