** = post-HBP
*** = post-DH
Copyright 2000-2002 by Caius Marcius, except Avada Kedavra Copyright 2001 by Pippin; Brush Up Your Curses Copyright 2002 by Mariner; Oops, I Crucio'd Again Copyright 2002 by Niche Eenhoorn; Crucio Copyright 2002 by Gail; Forbidden Curses Copyright 2003 by Cassie; Unforgivables Copyright 2006 by Embledore; Crucio Copyright 2007 by Bandersnatch
A filk by Mariner to the tune of Brush Up Your Shakespeare from Cole Porter's Kiss Me Kate
THE SCENE: A remote hillside, during the early days of Voldemort's first rise to power. Concerned that his Death Eaters are not wreaking enough havoc, the Dark Lord delivers a lecture on proper terror techniques.
VOLDEMORT:
The good guys in our society
Are starting to lack timidity.
To impress them, it's not enough (you'll find)
To cast a Stun or Full Body-Bind.
You'll find that things go from bad to worse
If you merely manage a Leg-Locker curse.
They'll continue to harry and hound and harm us
If you hit them with Expelliarmus.
So the spells which you must learn,
Which allow for no repentance,
Are the spells with which you earn
An Azkaban life sentence!
refrain
Brush up your curses,
Start casting them quick.
Brush up your curses,
Figure out what makes them tick.
If some Aurors are coming to swat us,
Give 'em hell with a swell Cruciatus.
Whenever your situation gets serious,
Save yourself with a touch of Imperius.
Turn your enemies cold and cadav'rous
With a well-cast Avada Kedavra.
Brush up your curses,
They will do the trick!
Brush up your curses,
Start casting them quick.
Brush up your curses,
Figure out what makes them tick.
You'll be swell, yes, you'll be fine and dandy
If you've got Unforgivables handy.
Learn the right bits of doggerel in Latin
And your enemies soon you'll be swattin'.
There is nothing more thoroughly frightenin'
Than that two words and a flash of green lightnin'.
Brush up your curses,
They will do the trick!
Brush up your curses,
Start casting them quick.
Brush up your curses,
Figure out what makes them tick.
I must warn you, my temper it vexes
When my underlings cast puny hexes.
Our reputation will go out the window
If the best we can cast is Diffindo.
And I tell you, I don't want to see ya
Fool around with the Serpensortia.
Brush up your curses,
They will do the trick!
Brush up your curses,
Start casting them quick.
Brush up your curses,
Figure out what makes them tick.
Just Imperio the enemy factions
And they'll soon learn to follow instructions.
If to answer your questions they're failin',
Crucio them until they start wailin'.
If some good guys have ruined your fun day,
Just AK them six ways from next Sunday.
Brush up your curses,
They will do the trick!
Brush up your curses,
Start casting them quick.
Brush up your curses,
Figure out what makes them tick.
Now go out there and visit some horrors
On some Muggles and Mudbloods and Aurors.
Brush up your curses,
They will do the trick!
A filk by Pippin to the tune of Hakuna Matata from Disney's The Lion King
Enter VOLDEMORT, LUCIUS MALFOY and DRACO MALFOY
VOLDEMORT (spoken)
Avada Kedavra!
What a wonderful curse
LUCIUS (spoken)
Avada Kedavra
(sung) Can't do any worse
VOLDEMORT
We're unforgiven
For the rest of our days.
VOLDEMORT AND LUCIUS
It's our morals-free
Philosophy.
Avada Kedavra!
VOLDEMORT
When I was a young Hogwart
LUCIUS
When he was a young Hogwart
He found his destiny with a certain basilisk
He could clear the school of Mudbloods
But it was a frightful risk
VOLDEMORT
I'm only half blood
Though I am Slytherin
But my intimate friends
Knew I stood to win
VOLDEMORT (Spoken)
But oh the shame
LUCIUS
He was ashamed
VOLDEMORT
Thought of changing my name
LUCIUS
You Must Not Be Named!
VOLDEMORT
Every time that it hit
And I felt like --
LUCIUS
Hey Master, not in front of the kid
VOLDEMORT
Oh, sorry
ALL
Avada Kedavra
What a wonderful phrase
Avada Kedavra
Ain't no passing craze
Annihilation
In a flash of green haze
It's our Muggle-free
Philosophy
Avada Kedavra
Avada Kedavra, etc.
VOLDEMORT, LUCIUS and DRACO draw their wands, form a conga line and exit, chanting
A filk by Cassie to the tune of from the Sera Myu, Tanjou! Ankoku no Purinsesu Burakku Redii
Forbidden Curses...
Now...STOP!
The Imperius Curse controls me.
Its the first of the Forbidden Curses
Why resist? Why even try?
I just allow them to lead me on.
Crucio brings pain past the limits
Will it ever end? Forbidden Curses.
I've stood the pain as long as I can.
I cry out for the release I know will never come.
What remains is the very most forbidden
It is called Avada Kedavra, known as the killing curse
With those words your life is gone forever
All in a simple flash of green.
Imperio! Crucio! Avada Kedavra!
These curses are unforgivable in the wizard world.
No matter who you are or where you came from
Use them and you will lose your soul.
To the tune of Buddy Holly's That'll Be the Day
The Scene: London, the Late 70s. VOLDEMORT (accompanied by a CHORUS OF DEATH EATERS), at the height of his reign of terror, sings of his deadly intentions
VOLDEMORT
Well, it'll be AK, and you'll say goodbye
Yes, that'll be the way that I will apply
You say you're gonna flee, but don't even try
'Cause it'll be AK, then you'll die
Well you say that you're hatin' all my decimatin'
'Cuz my thugs and Eaters worship You-Know-Who
Well, you know I love to juggle killin' wizards 'n' Muggles
And one day, I'll get you too
Well, it'll be AK, and you'll say goodbye
Yes, that'll be the way that I will apply
You say you're gonna flee, hey, don't even try
'Cause it'll be AK, then you'll die
CHORUS OF DEATH EATERS
Well, it'll be AK, and they'll say goodbye
Yes, that'll be the way that he will apply
They say they're gonna flee, but he's the bad guy
Once he says AK, then they die
Well, when Voldy made his Mark he made it really Dark
And it's been such a lark, believe you me
VOLDEMORT
They try to implore me not to feel so stormy
But I say, it's R.I.P.
VOLDEMORT & CHORUS
Well, it'll be AK, and you'll say goodbye
Yes, that'll be the curse on which I rely
You say you're gonna flee, you're such a wise guy!
But it'll be AK, then you'll die
CHORUS
Well, that'll be AK, woo hoo
That'll be AK, woo hoo
That'll be AK, woo hoo
That'll be AK…….
To the tune of The Longest Time by Billy Joel
Enter LORD VOLDEMORT, LUCIUS MALFOY and WORMTAIL
ALL: Oh, oh, oh,
It's our favorite curse
Oh, oh, oh,
Inspires us to verse
WORMTAIL: The Imperius Curse robs you of your will
LUCIUS: The Cruciatus makes your blood run chill
VOLDEMORT: But I so love killin'
Cause I'm such a super-villain
ALL: That's why Kedavra is my/his favorite curse
LUCIUS:The Imperius Curse puts me in control
WORMTAIL: The Cruciatus stirs my very soul
VOLDEMORT: But the greatest charm's with
The hex that you must buy the farm with
ALL: That's why Kedavra is our favorite curse
VOLDEMORT: Some say these curses they won't forgive
But they'll never outlive
Me, they can't see their error
WORMTAIL: Nothing's finer than these hexes three
LUCIUS: They so effectively
ALL: Create a grand reign of terror
LUCIUS: The Imperius Curse some learn to resist
WORMTAIL: The Cruciatus sometimes goes amiss
VOLDEMORT: But if you're a cadaver,
You can't shrug and say, "Whatever."
ALL: That's why Kedrava's such a savored curse!
VOLDEMORT: So, bring on that Potter kid to me
We will make it best two out of three
We will yank our wands out
ALL: And this time there will be no doubt
Why the Kedavra is my/his favorite curse.
Oh, oh, oh,
It's our favorite curse
Oh, oh, oh,
Inspires us to verse
Oh, oh, oh (fade-out)
THE SCENE: Undisclosed: an apparent cave. Enter LORD VOLDEMORT
VOLDEMORT
Something destructive
Something subversive
Snuffing for everyone
Kedavra tonight!
Something that's vicious
Something seditious
Just swing a magic wand
Kedavra tonight!
No vital signs! No trace of life!
No need for anthrax, cutters or knives!
Old invocations,
New desecrations
Nothing respecting human rights!
Treachery 'n' sorrow
Kedavra tonight!
Acts of manslaughter
Attacks on boy Potter
Sufferin' for everyone
Kedavra tonight!
Something cadaverous
Abbra-cadrabra-erous
Scabber-ous toward everyone
Kedavra tonight!
Nothing shall bloom, nothing must live
Curses we're casting you can't forgive
Nothing that's pleasant
Nothing innocent
Nothing to bring about delight
Soon it will be curtains
Kedavra tonight!
Something diseasing
Something spine-freezing
Something kills everyone
Kedavra tonight!
Noxious and lethal
And quite illegal
Succumbing for everyone
Kedavra tonight!
(Spoken) And now, my entire company……..
CHORUS OF DEATH EATERS proudly march in
CHORUS
Something terminal
Something criminal
Last fling for everyone
Kedavra tonight!
Once disembodied,
He's now our God, he--
VOLDEMORT
--will turn quite Sweeney Todd-y!
ALL
Kedavra tonight!
WORMTAIL
Nothing that's nice
CROUCH, JR
Nothing that's meek
LUCIUS
Now let the strong prey upon the weak
MACNAIR
Surfeits of bloodshed
Make the streets flood red
VOLDEMORT
Darkness shall overcome the Light!
WORMTAIL
Sanguinary murder
LUCIUS
Villains who interred her
AVERY
Deeds of unclean cruelty
CRABBE (père)
To honor You-Know-Who'll-te
CROUCH
Homicides!
VOLDEMORT
Demonic pride!
NOTT
Calamity!
GOYLE (père)
Malignity!
MACNAIR
Heartaches!
VOLDEMORT
Snakes!
WORMTAIL
Tomb!
LUCIUS
Doom!
MCNAIR, GOYLE & CRABBE
Chillers!
Grillers!
Thrillers!
Killers!
ALL
Our preferred curse, always on course
Now, let's pull off a tour de force!
Goodness, our badness
Makes us so glad, yes!
The last thing you'll see is green light!
Travesty tomorrow…….
Kedavra tonight!
VOLDEMORT and CHORUS aim their wands forward
(spoken) One! Two! Three!
Flash!
A filk by Gail to the tune of Chicago as performed by Frank Sinatra
VOLDEMORT:
Crucio, Crucio
That horrible curse
Crucio, Cruico
There's nothing that's worse
Bet your bottom sickle that you'll go psycho with Crucio
Crucio; the one that sent the Longbottoms to Mungo's
Death Eaters, they'll beat ya
I just have to say
They'll Crucio you any time of the day
They'll torture you with much worse than knives
I met a man, he screamed for his life
With Cruico, my favorite curse!
They'll torture you with much worse than knives
I knew a man, he screamed for his life
With Crucio, my favorite curse!
Crucio!
Crucio!
Crucio!
A filk by Niche Eenhoorn to the tune of Oops, I Did It Again by Britney Spears
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
Oh yes, I have to accept,
I made them believe I was one of them,
Dumb Muggles,
They thought I was their friend,
How couldn't they see they had reached their end?
face it, I'm a Death Eater,
And I'll do what's typically me,
Oh Muggle, Muggle
Chorus
Oops!...I Crucio'd again,
I tortured him bad, and he cried in pain
Oh Muggle, Muggle,
Oops!...I crucio'd too much,
Now my Muggle is dead,
I'll look for someone else.
You see the thing goes like this,
I just laugh away
as they start wishing they ceased to exist
They scream, hit by my spell
as their limbs shake and twist in so many ways,
It appeals to my senses
I can't help it now so sue me,
Oh muggle muggle
Chorus
Oops!...I Crucio'd again,
I messed up his mind, and made him insane
Oh muggle, muggle,
Oops!...I Crucio'd too much,
Now my Muggle is dead,
I'll look for someone else.
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
Niche: "Hey, before you go, there's something I want you to see."
shows him the wand
Muggle: "Oh, it's... interesting, but wait a minute, isn't this...?"
Niche: smirk "Yeah, it's a wand"
Muggle: "Oh, a wand... I was going to say a stick..."
Niche: "A 'stick'?! Well let me show you what this 'stick' can do!"
Muggle: "Be my guest!"
Oops!...I Crucio'd a Muggle again!
I guess I just lost my temper,
Oops!...I think I'll never have enough,
I love this painful Curse!
Repeat CHORUS
A filk by Bandersnatch to the tune of Jingle Bells by James Lord Pierpont
CHOIR OF DEATH EATERS:
Crashing through the door,
Looking for Mudbloods to slay.
Killing for Voldemort,
Laughing all the way! (Mwa-ha-ha!)
Spells of red and green,
Bursting strong and bright.
What fun it is to laugh and sing
A slaying-song tonight! (Get it?)
Chorus
Crucio, Crucio,
Sectumsemp-rrr-a!*
Oh, what fun it is to kill
With Avada Kedavra!
repeat
If a Mudblood cur,
You had best beware.
If a blood traitor,
Cross us if you dare!
But if your blood is pure,
You have nought to fear.
Cast Morsmordre, give a scream,
The Death Eaters are here! Oh!
Chorus
Repeat first verse and chorus, and end with abundant maniacal laughter
*Yes, I know Sectumsempra has only four syllables. You gonna tell the Death Eaters that? Consider the extra syllable an extended trill on the "r" (accompanied by an extravagant wand-flourish). :-)
A filk by Embledore to the tune of Razzle Dazzle from the musical Chicago
The Death Eaters have formed a tight circle around their master in a graveyard. The graveyard is pitch black, then the near-full moon appears from behind a cloud and shines directly on Voldemort, who has his head bowed and the top hat covering his eyes. As the music starts up, he begins to tap his feet and cane. He lifts his head slowly as he begins to sing....
VOLDEMORT:
Give 'em the Unforgivables,
Kill and torture 'em.
Give 'em a curse with so much spite in it
Show 'em you're taking much delight in it.
Give 'em the old Dark Arts Curses
Maim and torment them
They'll never hear your laughter through their cries.
Do as your master Voldemort does
He'll never steer you wrong now, because
If you torture 'em
Now their pain is your prize.
The Death Eater circle begins to widen, as they slowly take up the dance.
Give 'em the old Imperious,
Imperio them
Make them all do just what you want 'em to,
And they will end up on the bottom too.
Give 'em the old mind control spell
Make 'em do your deeds.
You can make your wish be their command.
Have 'em attack their fellow wizards
Or make 'em think they're puny lizards.
Imperio them
And they'll do what you planned.
The tempo picks up, and everyone is dancing now
VOLDEMORT AND DEATH EATERS:
Give 'em the old Cruciatus
Cruciatus 'em
Back since the days of dear old Slytherin
We've hated Muggles and all of their kin.
VOLDEMORT:
Give 'em the old Cruciatus
Drive 'em all insane
When you are finished Apparate away.
But don't forget, before you leave there,
Fire the Dark Mark in to the air.
Just stick out your wand,
And shout "Morsmordre!"
Voldemort shouts the incantation, and the Dark Mark lights up the sky, and green sparks come raining down over the entire group as they dance and sing the last verse
ALL:
Give 'em Avada Kadavra
Go and kill 'em all
Show 'em the evil Sorcerers we are
As long as we keep 'em scared and frightened
Our grip on them will ever tighten.
VOLDEMORT:
Terrify them all
DEATH EATERS:
Terrify them all
ALL:
Terrify them all
And they'll never go far!
The spell vanishes, along with the moon, as the song ends, throwing the scene into total darkness again. Faint popping noises are heard as the Death Eaters disapparate.