Barty Crouch, Jr.
This Christmas, everyone wants to snog David Tennant...
Image © 2005 Red Scharlach
Image © 2005 Red Scharlach
* = post-OOP
Poly Wolly Juice It Copyright 2001 by Caius Marcius; One Singular Sensation Copyright 2002 by Eloise; Kept Under Imperius and Master Barty Copyright 2003 by Gail; Unworthy Of The Mark Copyright 2003 by Heidi Tandy; Born to Make You Happy\I Love You Copyright 2003 by Kristi Miller; Auror Switch Song (Bein' Moody) Copyright 2004 by Constance Vigilance; Dark Arts Copyright 2004 by Riibu; The Clunk! Clunk! Song (He's In His Trunk) Copyright 2005 by Pippin
A filk by Kristi Miller to tunes by the same name by Britney Spears and some annoying purple dinosaur
SCENE: Bedroom in the Crouch residence. BARTY JR. lying in bed recovering from his time in Azkaban.
BARTY JR. (singing):
I'm sitting here alone up in my room
And thinking about the times
that I've been through (oh my Lord)
I'm looking at a picture in my head
Trying my best to understand
I really want to know what went wrong
With a power that was so strong
If only you were here tonight
I know that you could make it right
I don't know how to live without you
I was born to make you happy
'Cause you're the only one within my heart
I was born to make you happy
Always and forever you and me
That's the way my life should be
I don't know how to live without you
I was born to make you happy
I know they've all been fools since you've been gone
I'd better get out before dawn (oh my Lord)
'Cause living in a place with my Dad
Is not the way my life will be
BARTY tries to get out of bed. He manages to stand then his legs give out.
I don't wanna sit here and think of you
So forgive me while I do
If only you were here tonight
I know that you could make it right
BARTY tries to get up again, This time he manages to get to a bedpost.
BARTY (singing while holding on to the bed post):
I don't know how to live without you
I was born to make you happy
'Cause you're the only one within my heart
I was born to make you happy
Always and forever you and me
That's the way my life should be
I don't know how to live without you
I was born to make you happy
BARTY JR. lets go and this time finds the strength to stand.
I'll do anything, I know that I can
I won't wait forever to be your servant
Just call out my name, and I will be there
Just to show you how much I care
BARTY JR. starts to make his way to the door.
I don't know how to live without you
I was born to make you happy
'Cause you're the only one within my heart
I was born to make you happy
Always and forever you and me
That's the way my life should be
I don't know how to live without you
I was born to make you happy
BARTY JR. manages a few steps when his father come in.
BARTY SR. (speaking):
Bartemius...
BARTY JR. (speaking and ignoring his father):
I'm coming, Lord Voldemort!
BARTY SR. takes out his wand.
BARTY SR. (speaking):
Imperio! Sing something else.
BARTY JR. (singing):
I love you
You love me
We're a happy family
BARTY SR. (speaking):
That's enough. Stay there while I find an Invisibility Cloak and Winky.
A filk by Gail to the tune of Wrapped Around Your Finger by the Police
BARTY CROUCH JR. (speaking to his father):
You sent me off to Azkaban prison
Shouted and told me, "I have no son!"
From that hellish place my mother saved me
You brought me back here and then enslaved me
I only thought of finding my master
You considered this a great disaster
I had to be concealed and controlled
Day and night hidden beneath this cloak
You kept me under Imperius
You kept me under Imperius
Always with the House Elf as my keeper
Given treats for my good behavior
Denied any free will of my own
In plain sight but unseen and alone
You kept me under Imperius
You kept me under Imperius
Late one evening my master came for me
He imprisoned you and then I was freed
The tables have turned as you'll discover
When I say to you, "I have no father!"
And you'll be kept under Imperius
You'll be kept under Imperius
You'll be kept under Imperius
You'll be kept under Imperius
A filk by Heidi Tandy to the tune of Unworthy of Your Love from Stephen Sondheim's Assassins
BARTY
I am nothing,
You are wind and father and sky,
Voldy
Tell me, Voldy, how I can earn the Dark Mark.
I'd torture Aurors
I would kill Mudbloods,
I would do anything for you.
What do you want me to do?
I am unworthy of your Mark,
Voldy Voldy,
Let me prove worthy of your Mark.
Tell me how I can earn the Dark Mark,
Then brand me.
How else can I do Morsmerde?
PETER
I am nothing,
You are snakes and power and Lord,
Voldy,
Mark my arm, Crucio me
For your fun.
Let me kill the spare,
Or torture Bertha,
Tell me to tear my arm in two,
If that's what you want me to do...
I'm unworthy of the Dark Mark,
Voldy darlin',
I have not fully earned your Mark.
Let me be worthy of your Mark,
Set me free --
BARTY
I would save you from years of strife...
PETER
I would come find you in your cell...
BARTY
You're the dad missing from my life...
PETER
I would crawl like a rat through hell...
BARTY
I'd die for You-Know-Who...
PETER
I'd die for You-Know-Who...
BARTY
Even though --
PETER
Even though --
PETER
I will always know
BARTY
I am unworthy of the Mark
Voldy darlin',
Let me be worthy of your Mark.
BARTY & PETER
I'll find a way to earn your Mark,
Wait and see.
Then you'll put the Dark Mark right on me.
Your mark.
On me!
A filk by Eloise to the obvious tune from A Chorus Line by Marvin Hamlisch
A celebration of the talents of our (well, my) favourite bad guy, Crouch/Moody.
One
Singular sensation
Ev'ry little curse he makes.
One
Magnificent deception
Ev'ry time that he fakes.
One glance and suddenly his eye sees right through you.
Nobody guesses he's working for You Know Who.
One
Curse, there is no contest:
You will act at his behest.
For this guy is second best
To none, son.
Ooh! Sigh!
Give him your attention,
Evil beyond your comprehension.
He's the one
To the tune of Polly Wolly Doodle
THE SCENE: The Moody Residence. Enter BARTY CROUCH, JR., disguised as Alastor Moody
CROUCH
With an old hip-flask
'Tis a simple task
To Poly Wolly Juice it all the day
Auror costumes
Have wriggle room
As I'm Poly Wolly Juicin' all the way
This is swell!
Who can tell
That it isn't really him?
My Alastor impression
Will serve Voldemort's aggression
'Til he's tearing Potter limb from limb
I'll meet Malfoy
That bouncing boy
As I Poly Wolly Juice it all the day
Oh, I just can't wait
To manipulate
All the good folks who are coming my way
Off to school!
I will rule!
Dumbledore will get dumbed down
When he learns about our portkey
He is gonna come up short, he
Must cede to Voldemort the crown
But I have no chance
Without vigilance
As I Poly Wolly Juice it all the day
The non-paranoid
Get unemployed
If their Poly Wolly Juice should go astray
If suspect
They'll detect
My true identity
They'll expose impersonation
I'll go through interrogation
As they Verry Terry Serum poor ol' me!
A filk by Gail to the tune Sexy Sadie by the Beatles
WINKY:
Master Barty, what is you doing?
You is getting us in trouble
You is getting us in trouble
Master Barty, ohhh what is you doing?
Master Barty, please say no more
You isn't ought to tell no one
You isn't ought to tell no one
Master Barty, ohhh please say no more
That Quidditch game Winky is convincing to your father
Ought to allow Master Barty to go
Master Barty, Winky did not realize
Master Barty, you then broke free
Winky is almost letting you escape
Winky is almost letting you escape
Master Barty, ohhh you then broke free
Master Barty, you is a bad boy
You is killed your own father
You is killed your own father
Master Barty, ohhh you is a bad boy
Master Crouch was keeping you at home under Imperius
But Winky keeps her Master's secrets
Master Barty, you is making everything worse
You is getting us in trouble, Master Barty
You is killed your own father
A filk by Constance Vigilance to the tune of The 49th Street Bridge Song (Feelin' Groovy)
SCENE: Just prior to the start of school in Harry's 4th year, BARTY CROUCH JR, in his disguise as the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher Alastor Moody, reviews his foolproof plans to deliver Harry to his Master and is feeling just a bit giddy in anticipation. Unable to hold in his joy, he begins to sing ...
CROUCH JR:
Dark Arts, Defensive class
Wooden leg and eye of glass
I'm chuggin' down the Polyjuice
Bidin' my time just
Bein' Moody
Look at Harry -
Goblet picked him.
He will make the perfect victim
"Blood of foe" says the recipe
Birthing brew through
Bein' Moody
A Tri-Wizard match
Make sure Harry's won
A cup that's a portkey and my job is done.
And the Dark Lord will heap all his praises on me...
Life, I love you
While I'm Moody
A filk by Riibu to the tune of Parklife by Blur
CROUCH, JR:
Politics is a bad excuse for the habitual usage of what is known as (Dark Arts)
Dad thinks his son should be avoided if he wants to speak awkwardly what is
known as (Dark Arts)
Evan was killed too he was associated with the evil people -they use a bit of it
(Dark Arts)
Who's that Dark Lord marching... You are not better with your Auror crew -Get
some self-respect!
All the people
So many people
They all go wand in hand
Wand in hand using the Dark Arts
I do just what I want except at dinners when I get rudely avoided by my father
(Dark Arts)
I put my black robes on, have a mask in hand and think about leaving the house
(Dark Arts)
I use Imperius I sometimes use the AK too it gives me a sense of enormous power
(Dark Arts)
And then I feel sick for the rest of the day scared by the knowledge there will
always be more of my heart devoted to it
All the people
So many people
They all go wand in hand
Wand in hand using the Dark Arts
Dark Arts (Dark Arts)
Dark Arts (Dark Arts)
It's got nothing to do with Mudblood hate league you know
And it's not about you daddy who fight round and round and round
::All the people
So many people
They all go wand in hand
Wand in hand using the Dark Arts
A filk by Pippin to the tune of The Shoop Shoop Song (It's in his Kiss) by Betty Everett
BARTY CROUCH JR. & (WORMTAIL):
Where is Mad-Eye?
Where did he go?
What should I say, Master wants to know
(Have you got the leg?)
Oh yeah, it's just a peg
(Have you got the eye?)
Oh yeah, it's just my size
If you wanna know
[Clunk! Clunk! Clunk! Clunk!]
Where did Moody go
[Clunk! Clunk! Clunk! Clunk!]
It's in his trunk
(That's where he is!)
(How bout the Shrieking Shack?)
Oh no that's a disgrace
(How bout the dungeon black?)
Oh no that's Snapey's place
If you wanna know
[Clunk! Clunk! Clunk! Clunk!]
Where did Moody go
[Clunk! Clunk! Clunk!Clunk!]
He's in his trunk
(That's where he is!)
Oh, oh oh Wormtail
He's locked up tight
And Dumbo doesn't even know
I promise this and it ain't no lie
He's there in his trunk
(How bout the way he acts)
Oh just you wait and see
If wizards had Oscars I'd be a nominee
If you wanna know
[Clunk! Clunk! Clunk! Clunk!]
Where did Moody go
[Clunk! Clunk! Clunk! Clunk!]
It's in his trunk
(That's where he is!)
If you want to know
Where did Moody go
He's in his trunk
(That's where he is)
He's in his trunk
(That's where he is)