The Weasleys

Ron Weasley's Emotional Epic: The Dark Side of the Spoon

Based on The Dark Side of the Moon by Pink Floyd

Image © 2005 Red Scharlach

* = Post-OOP
** = Post-HBP
*** = Post-DH

Copyright 2001, 2002, 2004 by Cauis Marcius, except Frederic Weasley and George Weasley Copyright 2000 by MissIzzy; L'il Miss Cellophane Copyright 2001 by Lisa I.; I'm Pregnant (aka Weasleys: A History) Copyright 2002 by Snape's Mistress; We Do! (The Weasley Twins' Song) Copyright 2002 by Miranda Shadowind; Mudblood Copyright 2002 by Darrin; Romania, Arthur, et al, I've Got Plenty of Brothers, Thick-Bottomed Cauldrons Copyright 2002 by Lilac; Arthur Weasley, Burrow, Curse Breaker, Muggle Inventions, Muggle Protection, Second Hand Ron, We've Got All The Jokes That You'd Want To Buy At Weasley Wizard Wheezes and When I Was At School Copyright 2002, 2003 by Gail; Wizarding Pranksters Copyright 2002 by Annie Llewellyn; Part of That World Copyright 2002 by paroxysm; Lifestyles of Redheaded Weasleys and Ron Copyright 2002-2003 by Nicole Lyon; Ginny in the CoS Copyright 2003 by Polish Girl; If Ron Were A Rich Man Copyright 2003 by Jonathan Pessin; Best Things and Don't Tell Molly Copyright 2003 by Haggridd; Ginny Gets The Ball Copyright 2003 by Anton; Must Stop Playing Jokes Copyright 2004 by Kelly M.; Minister of Magic Copyright 2004 by Constance Vigilance; The Ron Weasley Blues (Pocket Full Of Sorcerer's Stone) Copyright 2004 by Sanscrit Thromwell; Bold Fred n' George Copyright 2004 by Nickendo; The Weasley Bunch Copyright 2004 by Jason LeBouef; Meet Ginerva, There Is a Copy of Me and A Weasley Lace-ed Son Copyright 2004, 2005 by The Final Stillness of Saturn; Molly Weasley's Lament Copyright 2005 by Red Scharlach and Allemande; On My Own Copyright 2005 by LadyEruke; Muggle Love and The Old Wand Song Copyright 2005, 2006 by Ginger; All The Tonks Are Brown Copyright 2005 by ewe2; The Bat-Bogey Hex and She's Also A Woman Copyright 2005, 2007 by Nimbus 1944; Summer at the Burrow Copyright 2005 by Alessandra C.; Nothing Rhymes with "George" Copyright 2009 by Bandersnatch; Muggle Love Copyright 2010 by Lindsay Addison

A filk by Nicole Lyon to the tune of Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous by Good Charlotte

Setting: A massive stadium filled to capacity. Bill Weasley bounds onstage sporting black threads, his ponytail, and fang earring. The band consists of lead singer Bill, bass guitarist Ginny, guitarists Fred and George, drummer Ron, keyboardist Percy, and Charlie's Amazing Dragon Pyrotechnics. Everyone is dressed like Bill, earrings, ponytail, and all with the exception of Percy, with his cropped hair, glasses, very proper clothing, and vaguely disapproving frown.

BILL:
We're one huge fam'ly
As sweet and loving as can be
We make it look extremely easy
At first we look ideal
You wonder if we're real
Look a little closer and you'll see

Although we share a lot of love
Don't always fit like a glove
We're not always so perfect
A pretty happy bunch, that's true
Still we don't always stick like glue
But in the end it's one for all
One for all

ALL
Lifestyles of the redheaded Weasleys
I'm always curse-breakin', always curse-breakin'
And Percy, he studies cauldrons
Some are at Hogwarts
One plays with dragons

Did you know our dad thinks Muggles are just so darn cool
Mum thinks that Lockhart's quite worthy of a drool
We kids can't help but think they're both barking mad
We live in the Burrow and had a flying Anglia
Our ghoul enjoys moaning and annoying ya
Please come visit us in Ottery St. Catchpole

Although we share a lot of love
Don't always fit like a glove
We're not always so perfect
A pretty happy bunch, that's true
Still we don't always stick like glue
But in the end it's one for all
One for all

Lifestyles of the redheaded Weasleys
I'm always curse-breakin', always curse-breakin'
And Percy, he studies cauldrons
Some are at Hogwarts
One plays with dragons
(Dragons, dragons)

ALL
Lifestyles of the redheaded Weasleys
I'm always curse-breakin', always curse-breakin'
And Percy, he studies cauldrons
Who wants to study cauldrons
Instead of dragons?

Lifestyles of the redheaded Weasleys
We've got the home, wands, robes, and gnomes
Just not the galleons

Lifestyles of redheaded Weasleys
Lifestyles of redheaded Weasleys
Lifestyles of redheaded Weasleys

A filk by Jason LeBouef to the tune of the theme from the Brady Bunch

FINALLY! A milestone in my filking career has arrived. The lyrics have come to me, so here it is... My favorite wizarding family meets one of my favorite TV shows.

Split screens with characters in blue backgrounds appear

(trumpet: Dun da dun da dun dunnn…)

Here's a story of a man named Arthur
Who had fathered seven children in a whirl
All of them had hair of red, like their father
The youngest one's a girl

Here's a story of a girl named Molly
Who was busy with no time left to roam
They were nine there, living all together
It was a busy home

And they live inside a house they call The Burrow
With a ghoul in the attic with a crunch
And who knew this was a pure blood family
But we all know them as just The Weasley Bunch

The Weasley Bunch
The Weasley Bunch

And we all know them as the Weasley Bunch

camera zooms in the Burrow with soft happy 70s music playing in the background

A filk by Lilac to the tune of Jacob and Sons from Lloyd Webber's Joseph And The Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat

Way, way back many pages ago
Not long after book one began
Harry met Ron on the Hogwart's Express
just one example of a Weasley man

Arthur, Arthur et al
Can't fit them all in their breakfast nook
Arthur, Arthur et al
A remarkable family in anyone's book

Arthur is the father of a wonderful family
Thanks to the number of children he has
He's known as Mr. Weasley, but soon we will hear
Hermione and Harry call him "Dad"

Arthur, Arthur et al
With a large family, the budget they juggle
Arthur, Arthur et al
Collects lots of batteries and plugs from Muggles

Molly is the mother of the children of Arthur
Bill and Charlie are next in line
Percy, Fred, George and Ron
And then Ginny brings the total to nine

Arthur, Arthur et al
Don't forget Hermione, which leaves only one
Arthur, Arthur et al
Harry, another "adopted" son

Arthur, Arthur et al
(repeats 2 more times)

Arthur, Arthur, Arthur, Arthur et al!

A filk by Nicole Lyon to the tune of Belle from Disney's Beauty and the Beast

RON
Weasley clan, it's one huge fam'ly
There's no way you could call us measly
Weasley clan, full of red-haired people
See us and you'll say

MOLLY
Weasley!

ARTHUR
Weasley!

PERCY
Weasley!

GINNY
Weasley!

BILL
Weasley!

RON
There goes my dad to work at the Ministry
Bill's a curse-breaker for Gringotts
My sister's name is Ginny
And she's really quite skinny
But as far as money goes

FRED
Ain't got a lot!

MOLLY
I try my best
With seven it's not easy
But I try to meet all their needs

GEORGE
Poor Ron just doesn't stand out

FRED
But he likes to scream and shout

ARTHUR & MOLLY
These darn kids, they just won't stop growing like weeds

CHARLIE
Weasley!

RON
My clan

FRED
Hey aren't we the best?

GINNY
Weasley

RON
My clan

GEORGE
We're really cool

MOLLY
I need…a break

ARTHUR (Examining a picture of a racing broom that Fred and George have handed to him)
That's too expensive

RON
Have to find a way to stand out at school!

FRED & GEORGE
Hey we're the twins -and we are full of mischief
Practical jokes we love to play

MOLLY
Very much to my chagrin

ARTHUR (Shaking his head and chuckling indulgently)
Our rascals at it again

FRED & GEORGE
Aw sheesh, Mum and Dad, we don't know what to say

RON
Why don't they pay attention?
I just feel so awf'ly neglected
Each year my hand-knit jumper
Is the same nasty shade of maroon
I'm rejected

CHARLIE
Gosh, I just really love working with dragons
The hazard pay is really great

PERCY
Love my job, I must confide
Study cauldron undersides

RON
I am different from the rest of them
I'm nothing like the rest of them

ALL (except Ron)
He's working himself into quite a state

HERMIONE
The very first time that I laid eyes on Ron
He had some dirt upon his nose
Then I saw how he plays chess
How he stands out from the rest
Every day my love for him just grows and grows

GINNY
The only girl
In the whole fam'ly
Ginny Weasley
I'm Daddy's pet!
The very last
To go to Hogwarts
That Harry is the cutest boy I've met

BILL
Weasley!

HERMIONE
Weasley!

RON
My clan

ARTHUR
Weasley

MOLLY
You call this room clean?

PERCY
Ssh! I can't think

CHARLIE
Welsh green

BILL
…goblins

GINNY
…hate snakes

HERMIONE
Listen!

ARTHUR
I'm off to work

HERMIONE
Please let me speak!

GEORGE
Our dream…

FRED
Wizard…

GEORGE
…joke shop!

FRED
…Wheezes!

MOLLY
No, I don't think so!

FRED & GEORGE
Aw, come on Mum!

ALL
Weasley clan!

RON
Why won't someone pay attention to me?

HERMIONE
I'll help Ron to be all that he can be!

ALL (except Ron and Hermione)
So here we are a big and loving fam'ly
Can you believe we get along?

MOLLY & GINNY
We can't help but think it's sad

FRED, GEORGE, ARTHUR, BILL, CHARLIE, & PERCY
It really is too bad

ALL (except Ron)
'Cause we really love that Weasley boy
That bright and clever Weasley boy
He really is a special boy…that Ron!

A filk by Alessandra C. to the tune of Ob-la-di, Ob-la-da by the Beatles

HARRY:
Summer at the Burrow, there's no better place.
Molly's cooking with a charmed pan.
Arthur comes back home with his kind, happy face
“Hello, my Weasleys,” says and his kids say “Hello, Dad!”

Privet Drive is not right, I prefer here
With the Weasleys life's much fun.
Privet Drive is not right, I prefer here
With the Weasleys life's much fun.

Arthur takes the kids to Diagon Alley,
First stop: Gringott's, the wizarding bank.
Buys his kids some second-hand school books
And from the brooms store he drags Ron and me away.

Privet Drive is not right, I prefer here
With the Weasleys life's much fun.

In a couple of days I'm at Hogwarts
Home sweet home
With the Weasley kids waving from the train
At Arthur and Molly Weasley.

Happy at the Burrow on those summer days
Arthur lets the children lend a hand.
Molly sends us in the garden for degnoming
And then some Quidditch in a nearby hidden place.

Privet Drive is not right, I prefer here
With the Weasleys life's much fun.
Privet Drive is not right, I prefer here
With the Weasleys life's much fun.

In a couple of days we'll leave Weasleys'
Home sweet home
In a couple of days I will say goodbye
To Arthur and Molly Weasley.

Happy, shortly after, back at Hogwarts School
We will meet the other Gryffindors.
Classes all together and lots of homework
And in the evening lots of fun in the common room.

Privet Drive is not right, I prefer here
With the Weasleys life's much fun.
Privet Drive is not right, I prefer here
With the Weasleys life's much fun.

And if I want some fun - Hey Burrow, Here I come.

A filk by The Final Stillness of Saturn to the tune of Avril Lavigne's Complicated

Uh-huh,
Red haired kids.
Uh-huh, uh-huh
This is how it is
With red haired kids.
Uh-huh, uh-huh
This is how it is.

Welcome to the Weasley house.
Come here, inside, and check it out.
There are only four now living here.
Molly Fears.

Mary Sue would be Ginny.
Fans say Ron loves 'Mione.
Arthur loves his Muggle things and toys.
Five Weasley boys

Have left their home.
No more garden gnomes.
From Mum they've gone
To make their fortune.
They're tryin' to be cool
And play tricks on you
For free.

Tell me:
Why did they have to go make the fam'ly seperated?
Now they are out there
Tryin' to be somebody and getting frustrated.
Weasley men, now,
They go, and they show,
And they irk, and they work.
Open their Weasley's Wizard Wheezes
And make their family get with them very irritated.

Oh, oh, oh.

Charlie works with big dragons.
Hagrid had to send him one.
Percy is just
Such a git, you see.
He's making Ron
Lash out
In his Quidditch robes.
Fred or George would punch his nose.
You know,
He's not fooling anyone
Since he's become

Fudge's lackey,
A secretary.
Watchin' his back
'cause he can't relax.
Phoenix Order foe,
He looks like he's no
Weasley.
Tell me:

Why can't Percy see the folly Fudge demonstrated?
Can't see the way his
Policies are reckless and make the world jaded?
He's like this, now.
Fudge just falls, and he brawls,
And he ducks, and he mucks.
You must see that he lies, and he can't
Honestly, promise he
Is never gonna be debated.

No, no, no...

Welcome to the Weasley house.
Come here, inside, and check it out.
There are only four Weasleys here still,
One's not Bill.

He's readin' verse,
Breakin' some old curse.
He's growin' his hair,
Takin' some friends' dares.
He is really quite cool,
Doesn't look a fool
To Fleur, to Fleur.

Why does he get to go make curses invalidated?
You see the way he's
Savin' us from curses when tombs are desecrated.
Bill's like this, then.
Know he can take a stand.
Gets a break and can make
More money than all of his fam'ly.
Honesty, promise me
We hope we never find him taken.
Oh no!

Why must all wizards and witches be so segregated?
We see the way they're
Sayin' that the Weasleys are poor, gets us frustrated.
Life's like this, there.
They earn, and they learn,
And they save, and they crave
To be one big, happy family
Honestly, the Weasleys,
They're always gonna be related!
Oh, oh, oh!

A filk by Jonathan Pessin to the tune of If I Were A Rich Man from Fiddler on the Roof

THE SCENE: Ron is sitting alone in his room, looking at the frilly, lace-trimmed dress robes his mother has given him. He grumbles to himself

RON: (spoken) I hate being poor. I really hate being poor. Would one or two galleons be too much for me to ask? Just a SMALL fortune? Why is everything I own rubbish?!?!

(sung) If I were a rich man
Deidle-deedle-deidle-diddle-diddle-deedle-deidle-dum
All day long I'd chew on Drooble's gum
If I were a wealthy man.
I wouldn't have to work hard.
Deidle-deedle-deidle-diddle-diddle-deedle-deidle-dum
If I were a biddy-biddy rich
Eidle-deidle-deedle-deidle man.

I'd fix our big tall house with rooms by the dozen
Stuck very oddly in the halls.
With bedrooms jutting out above and below.
There would be more than one staircase just going up,
And no ghouls there rattling the walls,
But I'd still have my Cannons bedsheets, though.

I'd fill my yard with random magical beasts
All picked to delight the eye and ear,
Picking gnomes and placing them in a can,
And then I'd gather the gnomes and put them in the country
Far, far away rather than near
So I'd never have to deal with them again!

Oy!

If I were a rich man
Deidle-deedle-deidle-diddle-diddle-deedle-deidle-dum
All day long I'd just sit on my bum
If I were a wealthy man.
I wouldn't have to work hard.
Deidle-deedle-deidle-diddle-diddle-deedle-deidle-dum
If I were a biddy-biddy rich
Eidle-deidle-deedle-deidle man.

I see my mum, my mummy, looking like a rich man's mum
Finer dressed than she has been,
Conjuring good meals to her heart's delight.
I see her yelling at George and scolding at ol' Freddie,
Oy, what a happy mood she's in!
Screaming at my brothers day and night!

random nagging sounds

The most important men in town would come to fawn on me!
They would ask me to advise them, just like Dumbledore the wise.
"If you please, Ron Weasley," "Pardon me, Ron Weasley,"
Posing problems that would cross a sphinx's eyes!
Yeidle-dee-dai-dai, Yeidle-dai-dai-dai! (wailing, yiddish-sounding chant)

PERCY peeks his head in the doorway

PERCY: RON! Could you keep it down, please!

RON: (spoken) sorry.

Percy returns to his room

RON: (sung) If I were rich, then I could stifle my pride
And no longer feel I'm in the way,
And Harry, Herm' and I'd really have a ball.
And maybe I could admit to her that I like her
And maybe she'd say that was OK!
That would be the sweetest thing of all!

Oy! (sighs deeply)

If I were a rich man
Deidle-deedle-deidle-diddle-diddle-deedle-deidle-dum
All day long I'd wander with my chums
If I were a wealthy man.
I wouldn't have to work hard.
Deidle-deedle-deidle-diddle-diddle-deedle-deidle-dum
Fred and George have a joke-shop-making scam,
Percy's business ventures have began,
But how can I concieve a proper plan
To become a wealthy man??

A filk by Sanscrit Thromwell to the tune of Pocket Full Of Kryptonite (Jimmy Olsen) by the Spin Doctors

THE SCENE: With Ron in Potion's Class, watching Harry and Hermione sharing a cauldron.. Snape leans back and pulls a guitar out of nowhere for an upbeat guitar opening as Ron starts singing to himself

RON:
Well, I don't think I can ever pass..
A cloudy day here in Potion's class..
I think I'll talk to my Dorm room door..
I got it so bad for this little Gryffindor..
It drives me through the roof and up the wall..
Harry and 'Mione in a bathroom stall..
I think i'm sad as a boy can be..
I got it so bad for little miss 'Mione..

Ron jumps up onto the table, singing and pleading into his half-broken wand

Hermione please put me on your blotter,
Yeah, 'Mione you don't need no Harry Potter.
. Come on upstairs , no need to be alone..
I got a pocket full of Sorcerer's Stone..
Got a pocket fulla.. Sorceror's Stone..
I got a pocket full of.. Sorceror's Stone!!

The camera fades to the Quidditch Pitch, Harry flying around as usual, Hermione waving a pennant for him.. Ron singing up in the bleachers, alone except for a jamming Snape

He's catching Snitches in the chilly air..
I'm reading textbooks at my place upstairs..
Come on upstairs and make love to me..
I'm Ronald Weasley not a Muggle, you see..
He's faster on a broomstick, more popular than me..
He's the one who got lucky, got his arm around Hermione..
I can't believe it, I've got so much to give..
But I'm competing with the Boy Who Lived...

Ron begins dancing around, singing and pleading in the stands

Hermione please put me on your blotter
Yeah, 'Mione you don't need no Harry Potter
Come on upstairs , no need to be alone
I got a pocket full of Sorcerer's Stone..
Got a pocket full off...

Oh Hermione.....

Snape duckwalks in for a rocking guitar solo

Well, I don't think I can ever pass..
A cloudy day here in potions class..
I think I'll talk to my Dorm room door
I got it so bad for this little Gryffindor..

RON shrugs and walks down the bleachers and out of the picture. Snape still jamming as the camera pans fast over to a confused Dumbledore, staring into the end of his wand like a just fired gun barrel..

Hmmmm, so THAT'S what that spell does...

A filk by Lilac to the tune If I Had a Million Dollars by the Bare Naked Ladies

(Author's Note: Okay, this song is very weird, but it is not any more weird than the original. It is also very repetitive. I highly suggest you listen to it to fully appreciate -- or at the very least, understand -- some of the humor of this filk. It was really funny to me at 1 a.m...)

FRED: If we had a million galleons, GEORGE: If we had a million galleons,
FRED: We'd make lots of fake wands. GEORGE: Fake wands that squawk and turn into chickens

FRED: If we had a million galleons, GEORGE: If we had a million galleons,
FRED: We'd make ton-tongue toffies GEORGE: And send a few to dear old Dudley.

FRED: If we had a million galleons, GEORGE: If we had a million galleons,
FRED: We'd buy Dad a new car. GEORGE: A nice Muggle automobile.

FRED: If we had a million galleons BOTH: We'd build our store!
FRED: If we had a million galleons GEORGE: We could make-up business cards.

FRED: If we had a million galleons GEORGE: Lee could help -- it wouldn't be that hard.
FRED: If we had a million galleons GEORGE: Maybe we could put a little tiny spell on the cards...

FRED (SPEAKING): Yeah, like it would stick to their fingers and wouldn't come off until they came to the store...

GEORGE (SPEAKING): ...yeah, then we'd take the card off after they bought at least three things!

FRED (SP): Hey, some people may not like that!

GEORGE (SP): Well, can you blame them? FRED(SP): Well... yeah.

FRED: If we had a million galleons, GEORGE: If we had a million galleons,
FRED: We'd buy Ron new dress robes. GEORGE: But not dress robes with lace, that's cruel.

FRED: If we had a million galleons, GEORGE: If we had a million galleons,
FRED: We'd buy a magical pet. GEORGE: Yup, like a Phoenix or a Billywig.

FRED: If we had a million galleons, GEORGE: If we had a million galleons,
FRED:We'd make tons of canary creams. GEORGE: Oooh, all them crazy feathers everywhere!

FRED: If we had a million galleons, BOTH: We'd start our store!
FRED: If we had a million galleons, GEORGE: We wouldn't have to floo to our store.

FRED: If we had a million galleons, GEORGE: We'd fly on Firebolts cuz they cost more.
FRED: If we had a million galleons, GEORGE: We wouldn't have to eat Mom's dinners

FRED (SPEAKING): But we would eat Mom's dinners. GEORGE (SPEAKING): Of course we would, we'd just buy her really expensive ingredients. FRED (SP): Yeah, that's right, like all the fanciest wizard ketchups. GEORGE (SP): Mmmm....

FRED: If we had a million galleons, GEORGE: If we had a million galleons,
FRED: We'd eat a ton of chocolate frogs. GEORGE: But not eat real live frogs, that's cruel.

FRED: If we had a million galleons, GEORGE: If we had a million galleons,
FRED: We'd make our own bombs. GEORGE: Yeah, like dung-, letter- or cherry-.

FRED: If we had a million galleons, GEORGE: If we had a million galleons,
FRED: We could buy Dobby the house-elf, GEORGE: Haven't you always wanted a house-elf!

FRED: If we had a million galleons, BOTH: We'd own our store!
FRED: If we had a million galleons, GEORGE: If we had a million galleons,

(repeat 2 more times)

BOTH: We'd be rich!

A filk by MissIzzy to the tune of Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer from Lloyd Webber's Cats

FRED:
Frederic Weasley
GEORGE:
And George Weasley

BOTH:
We're a notorious couple of twins
As knockabout clowns, quick change comedians
Human Bludgers and prankster kings

FRED:
We have an extensive reputation
We grew up in a house called The Burrow
Both Hogwarts is our center of operation

BOTH:
For we are incurably given to rove

When the Prefects all assemble for their weekly conference
Their minds all on how they'll build up a defence to
Rule-breaking students and the one known as Peeves
Then Dumbledore would appear from behind the scenes
And speak as if it was very amusing
"The whole situation seems so very confusing
The conference room ceiling has abruptly caved in!"
Then the teachers all would say, "It's that horrible twin!"

FRED:
Was it Frederic Weasley
GEORGE:
Or George Weasley?

BOTH:
And most of the time we'd both get detention

Frederic Weasley and George Weasley
Have a wonderful way of working as a team
And some of the time you would say it was luck
But all of the time you would say we're supreme
We go through the school like a hurricane
Not even McGonagall can take her oath

FRED:
Was it Frederic Weasley
GEORGE:
Or George Weasley?

BOTH:
But you may sure it was probably both!

And when you hear from the tower a smash
Or down from the kitchens there come a loud crash
Or up from a corridor came a loud clong
And everyone who passed after smelled a dungbomb
Then the teachers all will say: "Now which was which twin?"

FRED:
It was Frederic Weasley!
GEORGE:
And George Weasley!

EVERYONE ELSE:
So we just have to wait till Filch hauls them both in!

A filk by Annie Llewellyn to the tune of Original Pranksters by Offspring

(They can do it!)
It's a brand new year
Hogwarts
Cannot go without laughter
Fred, George
Weasley will make it better
Stunts, stunts
Any kind will do
You can blame just everything on those two (Hey!)
Beaters
Playing the game of Quidditch
Bam, Slam
Bludgers beat to show the witches
No way!
This is so absurd --
I've eaten a cream and turned into a bird!

Gonna take the school (At it again!)
Cuz they're not fools (With Lee their friend!)
Fred and George are cool (Will it ever end?)
They're gonna make Filch real mad
With a fake wand...
Wizarding Pranksters!
A Dung Bomb...
Wizarding, yeah!
Annoying Ron...
Wizarding Pranksters!
They're never stop, no
Stop? No!
They're good at being bad!

Uh oh, it smells like -
Dung Bomb!
Off in the hall again
Fun, fun
If you're the Weasleys' friend
Zonko's
Best customers of all
Jokes, spells, and tricks from wall to wall (Hey!)
Tests, tests,
They'll take them and pass
Laugh, laugh
They're the clowns of the class
Filch, Snape
Teachers get a trick or two
And you'll see, here comes a day
When there's a joke on you!

Gonna take the school (At it again!)
Cuz they're not fools (With Lee their friend!)
Fred and George are cool (Will it ever end?)
They're gonna make Filch real mad
With a fake wand...
Wizarding Pranksters!
A Dung Bomb...
Wizarding, yeah!
Annoying Ron...
Wizarding Pranksters!
They're never stop, no
Stop? No!
They're good at being bad!

A filk by Nickendo to the tune of Bold Thady Quill

Ye maids of dear Hogwarts who're anxious for datin'
A piece of advice I will give unto ye
Proceed to Gryffindor to the Quidditch Sportin'
And hand in your names to the Team Commendeer
And never commence any skits on your programme
Till the brooms you see flyin' over the hill
Right through the glens and the valleys of dear Hogwarts
With our own darlin' Quiditcheerers the bold Fred n' George

Ahhhhh- for jokeing for jeerin' for Quidditch an' datin'
For drinkin' strong Butterbeer as much as you please
In all your days playin' you find none so jovial
As our Gryffindor Quidditcheerers the Bold Fred n' George

At the great Quidditch match between lion and snake.
(Twas played in the field under loudness of Lee)
Our own darlin' lads were afraid of bein' beaten
So they sent for bold Weasleys and they would agree
They beat the Bludger left n' right in their faces
And showed Slytherins men action and skill
if they even just tapped em' they'd certainly beat them
And the people were a-shouting praise for the Weasleys

Ahhhhh- for joking for jeerin' for Quidditch an' datin'
For drinking strong Butterbeer as much as you please
In all your days playin' you'll find none so jovial
As our Gryffindor Quidditcheerers the bold Fred n' George

FRED:
Retail trade of magic tricks
May induce some hysterics
From Missus Dolores
To …..Ilias Yocaris?
Because George Weasley is the guy
Who's done as well as I.

Oh gee, it's great,
At last we've got an entrepreneur who is
Just as smart as me!
You can expect that Voldemort
Is gonna face defeat
Cause in the corporate jungle we
Twins learned how to compete!

The essays that you've read
In the NYT's Op-Eds
At our capitalist methods look askance.
Should the Weasleys run joke shops? They say that
It's innately exploitative to sell Headless Hats
Though now we all hasten to reject their folly
With the support
Of Mother Molly

Marketing to Muggles we will next pursue
Let's lobby 'gainst the Secrets Laws of 1692
Yes, now that we're commercialized, we gonna go quite far
We'll be as wealthy
As JKR!

Inspired by the eighth paragraph of Severine Snape's Leaky Cauldron blog entry

Downing the coffee, taut as a wire
Chewing my pencil, nerves are on fire
Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do
George Weasley is my filking desire
But his first name makes my blood pressure go higher
Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do

Impossible sound
I'm really confound-
ed by this word
It's making me pound
My fists on the ground
Because nothing rhymes with "George"
Though most of the time
I filk on a dime
I'm totally stym-
ied by this word
I'm mute as a mime
It's really a crime
Because nothing rhymes with "George"

How can I write this filk about George?
Who wants to hear about a forge in a gorge?
Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do
This never happens with his twin brother Fred
A dozen rhyming words fall out of my head
Bed-bread-dead-dread-fed-fled-led-red-said-shed-spread-stead-thread-tread-wed

Impossible sound
I'm really confound-
ed by this word
My troubles compound
Frustration's profound
Because nothing rhymes with "George"
Though most of the time
I filk on a dime
I'm telling you I'm
Stuck on this word
I'm mute as a mime
My stress-levels climb
Because nothing rhymes with "George"

Nothing rhymes with "George"
Nothing rhymes with "George"
Nothing rhymes with "George"

I've run aground
Impossible sound
I'm really confound-
ed by this word
It's making me pound
My fists on the ground
Because nothing rhymes with "George"
Though most of the time
I filk on a dime
I'm totally stym-
ied by this word
I'm mute as a mime
It's really a crime
Because nothing rhymes with "George"

I've run aground
Impossible sound
I'm really confound-
ed by this word
My troubles compound
Frustration's profound
Because nothing rhymes with "George"
Though most of the time
I filk on a dime
I'm telling you I'm
Stuck on this word
I'm mute as a mime
My stress-levels climb
Because nothing rhymes with "George"

A filk by Lilac to the tune of I've Got Plenty of Nothin' from Gershwin's Porgy & Bess

GINNY:
Oh, I've got plenty of brothers,
And brother, they're plenty for me
We got no room
They hog the food
I get no privacy

Oh, folks with one or two children
Lock the bath-a-room door
We got no lock upon that door
We can squeeze in two or three...or four

Tried to lock my bedroom door - does no good, you see
Because the tricksters Fred and George - break in easily
Then they charm all my stuff - disappears with a puff - THAT'S ENOUGH!

Oh, I've got plenty of brothers, And brother, they're plenty for me
But I'd be sad
If Mum and Dad
Had stopped at just Percy
(Spoken) I wouldn't even be here!

Thank you, Mum! Thank you, Dad! Thank-you, Bros!

Oh, I got plenty of brothers
And brother, they're plenty for me
And though we're poor,
And I hear snores
At night, like a downpour

It's nice to know I've so many
Brothers who care about me.
There are some people in this big world
Who have no family ...Harry

Percy fusses over me - Ron can be so mean
Bill and Charlie think I'm too young - treat me like I'm three
Though they get on my nerves - I love them and I know they love me!

Oh, I've got plenty of brothers
And brother, they're plenty for me
I love my Bill
My Charlie, too
And I love my Percy

(Spoken)There's no use complaining!

Love my Fred! Love my George! Love my Ron!

A filk by Lisa I. to the tune of Mister Cellophane from Kander and Ebb's Chicago

Enter Ginny Weasley, solo.

GINNY
If some young witch at dinnertime
Stood up and swore in perfect rhyme
And waved her wand and threw a fit
You'd notice her

If someone in the midnight gloom
Yelled, "FIRE in the Common Room!"
And even screamed a little bit
You'd notice her

And even without clucking like a hen
Everyone gets noticed now and then
Unless, of course, that personage should be
Invisible, inconsequential me...

Cellophane
Li'l Miss Cellophane
Shoulda been my name
Ginny Cellophane
'Cos you can look right through me
Walk right by me
And never know I'm there!

Suppose you were a gang of boys
Who'd tease their sister for their joys
And use her for their greatest jokes
You'd notice her

Suppose you shared a Hogwarts House
With one who, quiet as a mouse,
Spoke up for you against the blokes--
You'd notice her

You'd think with all the catastrophic fare
We'd see more than a Weasley with red hair
Unless that red-haired Weasley next to you
Is unimpressive, undistinguished You-Know-Who...

[spoken](And no, I don't mean Voldemort!)

...Shoulda been my name
Ginny Cellophane
'Cos you can look right through me
Walk right by me
And never know I'm there
I--tell--ya--
Cellophane
Li'l Miss Cellophane
Shoulda been my name
Ginny--Cellophane
'Cos you can look right through me
Walk right by me
And never know I'm there
Never even know I'm there...!

Ginny shakes her fist at JKR impatiently and walks offstage

A filk by Polish Girl to the tune of Jenny From The Block by J.Lo.

GINNY:
G.W
Off to Hogwarts that year
Caused a lotta chaos that year
Goin' mad at the diary I wrote in
Didn't know where I was goin' and I don't now I hear Riddle's voice in my ear
Yeah, from Kings Cross, goin' to school
Where Muggle-borns got turned to stone
'Cause of stupid me
And a phoney, takin' me over, got my soul, brought me to the CoS

Don't be fooled by the blokes that I got
I'm still, I'm still Ginny in the CoS
Used to have some friends, which I lost
No matter where I go, I got this reputation (from the CoS!)
Don't be fooled by the blokes that I got
I'm still, I'm still Ginny in the CoS
Used to have some friends, which I lost
No matter where I go, I got this reputation (from the CoS!)

From porridge bowls to butter dishes
To Valentines to get-well cards, I just wish.
I stayed still as my soul was stolen
I'm innocent, didn't Dumbledore tell you?

I really been down in that Chamber
But now I'm free
Nothin' phoney, don't be scared of me
What you get is what you see

Don't be fooled by the blokes that I got
I'm still, I'm still Ginny in the CoS
Used to have some friends, which I lost
No matter where I go, I got this reputation (from the CoS!)

Don't be fooled by the blokes that I got
I'm still, I'm still Ginny in the CoS
Used to have some friends, which I lost
No matter where I go, I got this reputation (from the CoS!)

I'm down under the school
Rockin' this joint
But now I've grown up so much
I'm popular and lovin' it!
Crush still got me blushin', kid
Love my family and my friendships
Put Harry first
Then can't forget to stay cool
To me he's like breathin'!

Don't be fooled by the blokes that I got
I'm still, I'm still Ginny in the CoS
Used to have some friends, which I lost
No matter where I go, I got this reputation (from the CoS!)

Don't be fooled by the blokes that I got
I'm still, I'm still Ginny in the CoS

Used to have some friends, which I lost
No matter where I go, I got this reputation (from the CoS!)

It takes hard work to build a new rep from the ground

So don't be fooled by the blokes that I get, no assets

Don't get back what I put out
Even if I hadn't taken the bad route
Can't count the good out
After a while, You-Know-Who almost succeeds
Unreal, went out with Harry next to me
Best thing to do now is stay low, G.W and Y'Know
He thinkin' I don't but I know

Don't be fooled by the blokes that I got
I'm still, I'm still Ginny in the CoS
Used to have some friends, which I lost
No matter where I go, I got this reputation (from the CoS!)
Don't be fooled by the blokes that I got
I'm still, I'm still Ginny in the CoS
Used to have some friends, which I lost
No matter where I go, I got this reputation (from the CoS!)
Don't be fooled by the blokes that I got
I'm still, I'm still Ginny in the CoS
Used to have some friends, which I lost

No matter where I go, I got this reputation (from the CoS!)
Don't be fooled by the blokes that I got
I'm still, I'm still Ginny in the CoS
Used to have some friends, which I lost
No matter where I go, I got this reputation (from the CoS!)

A filk by The Final Stillness of Saturn to the tune of Meet Virginia by Train

What she thinks, none can guess.
Her hair is never a mess.
If you catch her list'ning, she won't confess.
She's Mary Sue.

She plays chess ev'ryday,
Oh, wait that's Ron, but anyway,
Take over her body, Riddle may.
She's kind of Mary Sue.
Meet Ginevra.

Her deep stare hypnotizes.
Likes Malfoy and sun rises.
Perfect spells her wand exercises.
Ain't that Mary Sue?
Meet Ginevra.

Well she wants to be someone.
Then she thinks about what's done.
She's more than the youngest one.
She just really wants to have some fun.

Her daddy tinkers with Muggle things.
Mama stays home; she cooks and cleans.
Her brothers run a fine joke shop down in Diagon Alley.

There she is again, tossing gnomes.
Just like Black hates to be alone.
She just likes to stroll around down in Diagon Alley.
Meet Ginevra.

Well, she wants to live her life.
Then she thinks about her life.
She's more than just a no one.
She don't really wanna face this life.

She often sneaks around at midnight.
She knows Hermione's right,
But Ginny knows best, as usual.

And, yes, her existence is tragic
As she practices her magic.
The scenes of her mischief are quite usual.
Meet Ginevra.
I can't wait to
Meet Ginevra.

Well she wants to be someone.
Then she thinks about what's done.
Well, she wants to live her life.
Then she thinks about her life.
She's more than just a no one.
She just really wants to have some fun.
She just really wants to have some fun.
She just really wants to have some fun.
She just really can't face life.

A filk by Nimbus1944 to the tune of She's Always a Woman by Billy Joel

RON:
Ginny casts any spell
Like she's one of the guys;
You'll be hexed into next week
If you tell her lies.
I could never admit
What her best charm might be,
To be sure, she's a witch,
But she's also a woman, y'see!

She would date all the boys
And I'll be so protective
She would snub me and say
That I shan't be corrective,
And I had to begin
To release her to be;
She's my little sis,
But she's also a woman, y'see.

Oh! Like a young butterfly
She would flit here and there
And alight where she dares.
Oh! When she's just settled in,
She would flutter away,
Fickle mind without cares!

She'd find a new beau
And she'd praise and delight him;
Intense and intriguing
And never she'd fight him.
But then, one day he's gone;
I say, how could this be?
Only now I admit
Tho she's just a kid sister to me,
She's also a woman, y'see.

Oh! I can't live in the past!
I don't know if I'll see
What her future will find;
Oh! I can't always look back,
So I try to foresee
And one scene comes to mind:

I give her my arm
To escort down the aisle;
It's just a few yards
But it seems like a mile!
The hand of my best mate
Takes hers, nervously;
And her promise is told
That she'll now have and hold --
'Cos she's also a woman, y'see.

To the tune of Pop Goes the Weasel

He supports a very large family
On a salary quite measly
Works in the Magic Ministry
Pop of the Weasleys!

When Lucius Malfoy mocked at him
Arthur punched out that sleaze, he
Made that Death Eater's head swim
Pop of the Weasleys!

And with respect to flying Fords
He has much expertise, he's
Pleased to welcome Muggles aboard
Pop of the Weasleys!

Molly heads the Burrow at home,
With Twins who want a joke shop
There's Percy, Ginny, and of course Ron
Who all love their dear pop!

A filk by Darrin to the tune of Bui Doi from Miss Saigon.

Scene: A young Arthur Weasley is giving a speech promoting his new group at Hogwarts, the Society for the Protection of Afflicted Muggle- borns (SPAM)

Chorus of SPAMMERS:
They're called "Mudbloods"
The dirty vein
Sent to our world
For shame and pain
They are the kinsmen we don't want
The ones we refuse to face
But we can't forget
Must not forget
That they are
part of the wizard race

ARTHUR:
Like all young wizards I once said
I'm so glad I was born pure
But now I know we give them
an unfair burden to endure

Without them, our kind would be extinct
Yet they still are thought as second-rate
The snake-heads still preach Salazar
And his doctrine of pure hate

They're called "Mudbloods"
The dirty vein
Sent to our world
For shame and pain
They are the kinsmen we don't want
The ones we refuse to face
But we can't forget
Must not forget
That they are
All good wizards too

These wizards have no home
Their parents afraid to speak
Worried that their children
Will be thought of as a freak

I hope someday to see a time
When choices override the blood
But until then, we must fight
The scummy Slytherin crud

They're called "Mudbloods"
The dirty vein
Sent to our world
For shame and pain
We should be kindly and gracious
And stop the vile spew
Because we know
deep in our hearts
That they are
All good wizards too

These are wizards and witches
just with a different past
We need to protect them
if we hope to last
Help me try

ARTHUR AND CHORUS:
They're called "Mudbloods"
The dirty vein
Sent to our world
For shame and pain
We should be kindly and gracious
And stop the vile spew
Because we know
deep in our hearts
That they are
All good wizards too

A filk by Ginger to the tune of Jungle Love by the Steve Miller Band.

MOLLY WEASLEY:
He's running all over the Islands*
Collecting odd trinkets to hoard.
He brought home ipods and a vacuum
And part of a '69 Ford.

He made sure they wouldn't remember-
He made sure that they would forget.
Muggle love and a bit of "Obliviate"
Just how nuts can a man get?

Muggle love
It's driving me mad.
It's making me crazy.
Muggle love
It's driving me mad.
It's making me crazy.

He wanted to live like a Muggle
But couldn't use a fellytone.
He got a job where he can dabble
And maybe some skills he can hone.

He questions each time he encounters
A Muggle-born child and its kin.
He cannot refrain,
Nor excitement contain
Whilst digging around in their bin.

Muggle love
It's driving me mad.
It's making me crazy.
Muggle love
It's driving me mad.
It's making me crazy.

He has a shed out in the garden
With objects of all size and form.
It's lit with eclectical torches
And kerosene heat keeps it warm.

He keeps there his crockpots and routers,
His decor is a Muggle theme.
But one more of those 8-track players,
And I think I'm just gonna scream.

Muggle love
It's driving me mad.
It's making me crazy.
Muggle love
It's driving me mad.
It's making me crazy.

A filk by Lilac to the tune of America from the musical West Side Story

CHARLIE:
I am Charlie, an older Weasley
And you can tell I'm not measley.
Since I work with dangerous dragons,
I'm muscular and buff and handsome;
Brave and smart and kind some.
Modesty not withstanding,
I'm a piece of eye candy.
I'm playing with fire lit'rally.
Don't forget me, I am Charlie!

My life is hot in Romania,
Dragons I've caught in Romania.
Got burned a lot in Romania,
Norbert I've got in Romania.

A Gryffindor Seeker was I
Following Snitches in the sky.
Now I follow dragons for fun.
(Snitch ain't got nothing on dragons!)

My life is great in Romania,
Keep dragons straight in Romania.
Burn salve can wait in Romania,
Scars I don't hate in Romania.

Don't like to go to the Burrow
Cuz Mom's brow at me will furrow.
She fusses all over my burns,
Saying her stomach it will churn.

It's dangerous in Romania,
I'm courageous in Romania,
And flirtatious in Romania,
With death, of course, in Romania.

I've handled Norwegian Ridgebacks, Common Welsh Greens,
Hebridian Blacks every day, people!
And when you hear the Welsh Greens go, "ROAR, ROAR, ROAR"
Better get out of the way, people!

There's also Hungarian Horntails, Swedish Short Snouts,
Peruvian Vipertooths, people!
And when I'm getting scorched I go "HEE, HEE, HEE!"
That is why my name is "CHAR"-lie!

Marry some day in Romania?
Well, who can say, in Romania?
She'll have to stay in Romania,
With dragons play in Romania.

When all of us gather at home,
Outside St. Ottery Catchpole,
We rid the garden of brown gnomes
By tossing, 50 feet's the goal..

I'm living free in Romania.
All right by me in Romania.
Safe as can be in Romania?
No guarantees in Romania.

My brother Bill and I help set up tables
By floating them up in the air, people!
And when they collide hard we laugh, "HA, HA, HA,"
Then fix the leg in a flash, people!

I'm older than Percy, the twins Fred and George,
Then comes Ronald and finally Virginia..
We have fun saying phrases like, "OY, OY, OY!"
Big families can be such fun, people!

Miss them when I'm in Romania.
To them I'll write in Romania.
Send Fred and George to Romania?
Not in your life in Romania!.

Went to Hogwarts for the first task.
Brought dragons four (What kinds?)-- Don't ask.
Mommies with eggs, they are restless.
How get egg? Anyone's guess is.

War I might fight in Romania.
Dragons in flight in Romania.
Don't get uptight in Romania.
Not scared of heights in Romania.

So that's the end in Romania.
Time we've well spent in Romania.
Hope we are friends in Romania.
Goodbye, THE END in Romania!

A filk by Ginger to the tune of The Hairbrush Song from VeggieTales. It's one of the Silly Songs with Larry.

The Scene: The Burrow, the summer before Ron sets off to Hogwarts. Charlie has come home for a visit. Charlie digs through his old dresser drawer, in search of his old unicorn haired-wand, but finds only a wooden dowel. Unbeknownst to him, Ron is secretly practicing wand movements elsewhere in the house with the dowel's counterpart.

NARRATOR:
Our story opens as Charlie, now visiting his family home, is searching for his old wand. Having no success, Charlie cries out:

CHARLIE:
Oh, where is my old wand?
Oh, where is my old wand?
Oh, where, oh, where, oh, where, oh, where
Oh, where, oh, where, oh, where, oh, where,
Oh, where... is my old wand?

NARRATOR:
Having heard his cry, Percy enters the scene. Shocked, and slightly embarrassed at the sight of Charlie with a dowel, he regains his composure and reports:

PERCY (gesturing downstairs):
I think I saw your old wand down there.

CHARLIE:
Down there is my old wand.
Down there is my old wand.
Down there, down there, right down the stair,
Right there, down there, down there, right there,
Down there... is my old wand.

NARRATOR:
Having heard his joyous proclaimation, his sister Ginny enters the scene. Shocked, and slightly embarrassed at the sight of Charlie with a dowel, Ginny regains her composure and comments:

GINNY:
Why do you need your old wand? Your new wand has more hair.

NARRATOR:
Charlie is taken aback. The thought had never occurred to him. More hair? What does this mean? What will become of him? What will become of his old wand? Charlie wonders:

CHARLIE:
More hair in my new wand.
More hair in my new wand.
More hair, more hair, more hair in there,
More hair in there, in there more hair,
More hair... in my new wand.

NARRATOR:
Having heard his wondering, Molly, his mother enters the scene. Shocked and slightly embarrassed at the sight of Charlie with a dowel, she regains her composure and confesses:

MOLLY:
Charlie, that old first wand of yours. Well, you never use it. Y- You don't really need it. So, well, I'm sorry, I didn't know, but I gave it to our Ron, 'cause he needs hair.

NARRATOR:
Feeling a deep sense of loss, Charlie stumbles back and laments:

CHARLIE:
Not fair, oh, my old wand.
Not fair, my poor old wand.
Not fair, not fair, not fair, not fair,
Not fair, more hair, more hair, not fair,
Not fair, my little old wand.

NARRATOR:
Having heard his lament, young Ron enters the scene, himself with a dowel. Both Charlie and his bro are shocked and slightly embarrassed at the sight of ...each other. But recognizing Charlie's generosity, young Ron is thankful:

RON:
Thanks for your old wand.

NARRATOR:
Yes, good has been done here. Young Ron exits the scene. Charlie smiles, but still feeling an emotional attachment to his old wand, Charlie calls out:

CHARLIE:
Take care of my old wand.
Take care of my old wand.
Take care, take care, take care, take care,
Don't dare not care, don't dare not care,
Take care... of my old wand.

NARRATOR:
The end.

A filk by Lilac to the tune of Queen's Fat Bottomed Girls

THE SCENE: Percy is in his room, working on his reports for the Department of International Magical Cooperation, pauses to think about how this job is just the first step on the ladder that will lead him to power within the Ministry of Magic...

PERCY
I got to take reports home tonight,
Ah, and study them by my wand-light!
I'm gonna earn some of Crouch's clout!
Thick bottomed cauldrons help the Magic world go round!

GUITAR SOLO

(Hey!)

I was just a skinny lad.
I was always good, not bad,
But there's power to be had at the Ministry - Huh!
Perfect Prefect years five/six,
But to fully get my kicks,
Dumbledore had to make Head Boy out of me.

(Hey!)

(MORE GUITAR)

(Woooo!)
I've been working hard all day,
These reports won't let me play,
Standardizing cauldron thickness for my pay.
But I'd rather work on this
(They see me a tad "obsessed")
Than spend time with all those nutters like the twins.
(C'mon!)
Oh, charts and graphs to take home tonight!
Oh, I'll study them by candlelight!
Oh, and I'll give it all I've got
Thick bottomed cauldrons will make me a Prefect Who Gained Power!
Thick bottomed cauldrons will make me a Prefect Who Gained Power!

(Hey listen here...)
Now this teeny, tiny home
Fills me with the urge to roam;
Ain't no brainy types in this locality ( I mean There are).
But my job gives me this pleasure,
Crunching numbers for my treasure,
Making money climbing up at the Ministry.

(Now get this...)
Oh, (I know) more reports to read tonight (please!)
Oh, down beside the dim firelight!
Oh, it just makes me want to shout,
"Thick bottomed cauldrons will make this Wizard go world-round!"
"Thick bottomed cauldrons will make this Wizard go world-round!"

Percy is playing a broom like a guitar during this part...

Get on your brooms and fly!
Ooh yeah oh yeah them thick-bottomed cauldrons!
Thick bottomed cauldrons...Thick bottomed cauldrons...Yeah yeah yeah
Alright, ride 'em, c'mon...Thick bottomed cauldrons...yes yes!

Punctuating the last three beats by slamming a broom hard on the floor, Percy soon realizes the mess he's made with the now twig-less broom. After he takes a few calming breaths, he pushes his crooked glasses back on his nose, grabs his wand to repair the broom, then goes back to finishing the report.

A filk by Constance Vigilance to the tune of If I Were a Rich Man, from Fiddler on the Roof

PERCY (spoken): Dear God, you made many public servants.
I realize, of course, that it's no shame to be stuck in a cubicle.
But it's no great honor, either.
So what's so bad about having ambition?

Minister of Magic -
It's the vital title pride'll buy me undeniably.
All day long I'll wheedle deedle dee
As head of the bureaucracy!
No more kissing-up time,
Running errands with lips pointed at the proper beadle bum.
When I am the Big Man at the Top
Everybody's kissing up to me.

I'll have the corner office decorated nicely,
Silver instruments that whirr -
Famous wizard portraits on every wall.
I'll have a lackey assistant whose name I can't remember
Him - or maybe it's a "her" -
Ready at my every beck and call!

I'll have her testing cauldron bottoms and nonsense
And writing reports for me to read.
And I'll say "Hmm" and "Well", and "Let me see ..."
And then I'll frown and turn and reprimand gently -
Looking very sad indeed.
She won't know that I never read a word!

Minister of Magic -
Daily Prophet in my pocket printing only what I say.
If I say that something isn't so
The headline will turn out that way!
Oh!
Wouldn't have to work hard.
Come in late and when I get there, all I do is delegate!
When I speak the syncophants all say
Yes, Sir! No, Sir! Right, Sir! That's first rate!

A trophy wife named Penny hanging on my elbow
Gazing, adoring, up at me -
A perfect family that I show with pride.
I've got a chauffer-driven carriage to take me
From the ministry to see
The mistresses that I've got on the side.

The most important men in town will come to fawn on me!
They ask for favors - I don't get a moment's peace.
"If you please, Sir Percy..."
"Pardon me, Sir Percy..."
(But the wheels move faster with a bit of grease.)
And it won't make one bit of difference who's in the right and who is wrong,
When you're Boss, it's you who runs the show!

One day my father will come round to my door
Remorseful and teary in the eye,
Apologizing and with the wherewithal.
And I'll be gracious and forgive him his foibles and we'll have a manly cry.
That will be the sweetest thing of all.

Minister of Magic -
It's an honorific that I'd be delighted to apply.
But for now, I'll run and fetch and pour
That's what Junior Ministers do.

I'll be patient and I'll work hard.
And I'll stay alert and careful, always keep my powder dry.
Someday it will surely be my turn
Until then, I'll listen and I'll learn.
Follow Fudge's every small decree,
'Till the day he follows me.

Greatly Pretentious

To the tune of The Great Pretender by the Platters

THE SCENE: The Great Hall of Hogwarts, Spring of 1994. Enter PERCY WEASLEY. Exulting in his status as substitute Triwizards judge, he reviews the path that bought him here.

PERCY
Oh, yes, I'm greatly pretentious
Ron clenches his teeth when I say,
"To become prefect one augments affect
Each statute you swiftly obey"

Oh, yes, I have been contentious
A mensch is not how I've been tagged
I glowed with joy when named Head Boy,
I ignored Fred and George while they gagged

So gallant my talent that it topped this class
But my siblings keep scribbling I'm just a pompous ass

Oh, yes, I can be sententious
Entrenched in a Ministry post
I impress Penelope though misnamed Weatherby
Crouch Senior is always my boast

My brothers might bother me when they deride
But my mother and father feel unalloyed pride

Oh, yes, I'm greatly ambitious
Propitious circumstances have proved
Since Crouch became ill, I now his slot fill
This prefect to power has moved,
From Head Boy to Head Man improved.

A filk by LadyEruke to the tune of the same name from Les Miserables PERCY sits in his apartment, starting at a picture of his family.

PERCY:
I am on my own again
Nothing has changed, nothing will ever
Aching from the pain, grueling from the shame
The ties I sever
But at night I can pretend
That all this pain can end

Sometimes I dream about a day
When Dad and Mum will see me
They'll apologize for doubting
And finally believe me
I'll embrace them very tight
And we'll forget this stupid fight

Far from home
For not believing lies
No trust they've shown
They risk each day their lives
Won't turn back
Although it sears my soul
Can't Dumbledore see his silly war
Has had it's horrid toll

How they laughed, they mocked each thing I did
I'll bet they're glad, of me they're finally rid
They never cared for me, they saw me as a joke
They never saw the tears, that I was forced to choke

Yes, I know, I should not really care
I've a job, a life, I should forget them now
Yet, I yearn for the life that we did share
Still, I say, there is a way for us!

I love them
But if they think I'm a hack
I'll stay here
I'll never ever turn back
I'll prove to them
This job I really earned
They'll see the light, they'll find their sight
And love the son they've spurned

I love them
But I must stand for what's true
I love them
But I love justice too
Without me
I 'll bet that they are happy
Their world is full of trust
That I was never shown!

I love them
I love them
I love them
Though I'm so far from home

A filk by ewe2 to the tune of California Dreamin' by Mamas & Papas

Arthur decides to take matters into his own hands and save the world from Voldemort. Sneaking out of the Weasley house to avoid Molly realizing, he sets off on his broomstick and a song swells up from nowhere:

ARTHUR:
Now the Tonks are brown (All the Tonks are brown)
And the Snape is grey (And the Snape's away)
I took my broom for a ride (His broom's on a ride)
On a wizard's day (What a wizard day)
If I sneak out quietly (If he creeps on tiptoe)
She won't know I'm away (Know what she would say)
Must stop Voldy winnin' (Must stop Voldy winnin')
On such a wizard's day

Dropped into the Ministry, they want to up my pay
Well I don't trust my new boss, but I don't have a say
And Percy still can't see the danger
I know he's gonna stay
Must stop Voldy winnin' (Must stop Voldy winnin')
On such a wizard's dayyyyy

Arthur whips out his flute and plays a sad tune. This is quite a feat balanced on a broomstick, but he's a great flier as well as being groovy and cool.

All the Tonks are brown (And my son's a werewolf)
And the Snape's away (What a rotten guy)
I took my broom for a ride (Gee it's cold up here)
On a wizard's day (And the clouds are wet)
So I didn't tell her (Cos she'd yell his ears off)
Have to go today (Harry needs his help)
Must stop Voldy winnin' (Must stop Voldy winnin')
On such a wizard's day (Molly's going to kill him)
On such a wizard's day (If Nagini doesn't)
On such a wizard's day (Not to mention Voldy)
On such a wizard's dayyyyyyy

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