The Shipping News
Valentines Day
Image © 2003 by TikiGeek
Valentines Day
Image © 2003 by TikiGeek
* = Post-OOP
** = Post-HBP
*** = Post-DH
Copyright 2002 by Caius Marcius, except I'll Never Tell Copyright 2001 by Heidi Tandy & Cassandra Claire; I'm In Love With Hermione Copyright 2001 by Trina; Relationship Things Copyright 2002 by David P.; That Face and Little Miss Can't Be Wrong Copyright 2002 by Kit; Something Stupid Copyright 2002 by GiNnY; The Weasley Bunch Copyright 2002 by Tabouli; Hermione, How Could I Have This Big Crush?, The Letter Song, and Ron's Sister Copyright 2002 by Lilac; Why Krum Why? Copyright 2002 by Darrin; Hermione, Mudblood Girl, They Say That I'm In Love With Her and Yule Ball They'll Brawl Copyright 2002-2003 by Gail; Complicated Copyright 2002 by Nicole Lyon; Hogwarts Love Triangle Copyright 2002 by Laura; Weasley Girl Copyright 2002 by Severely Snaped; Happy with Viktor, Hexes Are a Girl's Best Friend, My! Ginevra and Skeeter Will Say We're in Love Copyright 2002, 2007 by Pippin; My Friends Over You Copyright 2002 by Charlene; What I Like About You Copyright 2002 by Audra Hammer; You're the Top Copyright 2002 by Debbie aka elfundeb; Something There Copyright 2002 by Kelly Lasiter; Dance of the Know-It-All Copyright 2003 by Eileen; Brawl Test Copyright 2003 by Stickbook; Short Scar, Long Broomstick Copyright 2003 by Shay Caron; Starry, Starry Night Copyright 2003 by Alexandra; Potter Man Copyright 2004 by Jonathan Pessin; Ginny Ends and Witchin' Copyright 2004 by Richard; The Wank Of The Fleet Harry Potter Copyright 2005 by Will "scifantasy" Frank; In My Heart Copyright 2005 by ewe2; I'm So Glad He/She Loves Me Copyright 2005 by Nelsongirl; Slow-Moving Canon Copyright 2005 by iTickleSleepingDragons; Hermione Caught Me Dreamin' Copyright 2005 by Randy Estes; Delusional Copyright 2005 by RJ Lupin; Don't Jinx My Heart Copyright 2005 by Fyre; Life Copyright 2005 by Abiona Lowell; He's the Wizard I Want Copyright 2007 by Nimbus1944
A filk by David P. to the tune of My Favorite Things from Rodgers and Hammerstein's The Sound of Music (more or less)
There's Harry and Cho, and Ginny and Neville,
Ron and Hermione, now that's the level
Percy, Penelope, will they trade rings?
These are my fav'rite relationship things...
There's James and there's Lily, and some say there's Sev'rus;
McGonagall, Dumbledore, what shall come o'er us?
May not be canonical, still makes me sing
'Bout all my fav'rite relationship things...
There's Black and there's Lupin in some slash fan fiction;
Arthur and Molly are more in tradition;
Rita's an insect, her lying quill stings
Causing commotion `mong all shipping things…
At the Yule Ball
Ron felt so small
He was dumped so fast
But some day he'll ask out Hermione
And then have a ship
That lasts.
A filk by Jonathan Pessin to the tune of Piano Man by Billy Joel
It's time for the fans of the Potterverse,
Who debate over every small thing,
To decide who's the one to give Potter some fun
And perhaps end up wearing his ring.
We say, "Son, since you're fighting Lord Thingummy,
We'll give you a bit of a wait,
But the time soon will be when fans all want to see
Who you're gonna take out on a date!"
La la la, de de da
La la, de de da da dum
CHORUS:
Give us a snog, you're the Potter man,
Give us a snog tonight!
Well, we're all in the mood for "astronomy"
Even though it's 2:30 at night!
Now Hermione there is a friend of his,
Has been since they defeated a troll,
And he saw at the ball she's not ugly at all,
So perhaps they can go on a roll?
But then, Ron might have something to say 'bout that,
If his friend and the gal had a fling,
Cause we know he'll be asking her out sometime,
Once he gives up that whole "Vicky" thing.
Oh, la la la, de de da
La la, de de da da dum
Chorus
Give us a snog, you're the Potter man,
Give us a snog tonight!
Well, we're all in the mood for "astronomy"
Even though it's 2:30 at night!
Now Luna's a Ravenclaw oddity,
Who hears voices when nobody's there,
Oh, and sometimes it seems she's the gal of his dreams,
So perhaps those two might be a pair?
But then sometimes she goes a bit overboard,
With her oddness and gaze of surprise,
So I don't think that Potter would go for it,
And besides, she might like other guys.
Oh, la la la, de de da
La la, de de da da dum
Chorus
Give us a snog, you're the Potter man,
Give us a snog tonight!
Well, we're all in the mood for "astronomy"
Even though it's 2:30 at night!
So theres lots of nice lasses at Hogwarts,
Those we've mentioned, and some we have not,
And we safely assume it'll be someones doom
To take Potter's hand and tie the knot
So whose luck will turn out to be luckiest?
We'll find out on some long-waited day,
But with ol' JKR guesses don't go that far...
Even if Harry won't turn out gay!
Oh, la la la, de de da
La la, de de da da dum
CHORUS:
Give us a snog, you're the Potter man,
Give us a snog tonight!
Well, we're all in the mood for "astronomy"
Even though its 2:30 at night!
RON (Speaking)
Well, I can do an Alohamora, I've almost got that...
HERMIONE (music)
This is the man that I've known since our first schoolday
Isn't he fine?
My claims to fame were in class and library
Top marks mine!
But I've got all my N.E.W.T.s
And I admit, he's sort of cute
The only trouble is - -
I'll never tell.
RON
She is the one
With smarts and such fun
No time will she waste
Excellent teeth and her hair in a band's - -
Embrace! Tight embrace!
I'll never let her go
The love we've known can only grow
There's just one thing that - -
No. I'll never tell.
HERMIONE AND RON
Cause there's nothing to tell.
RON
She's bossy, she's swotty
HERMIONE
His face is really spotty
RON
She's hanging out with Malfoy, who I so despise
HERMIONE
I'm gone - he doesn't miss me
RON
She'd rather read than kiss me
HERMIONE
He doesn't listen when I say I don't care about size
HERMIONE AND RON
The vibe gets kind of scary
RON
Like, she thinks I'm ordinary
HERMIONE
Like, it's all just temporary
RON
Like, her toes are kind of hairy
HERMIONE AND RON
But it's all very well
Cause, God knows, I'll never tell!
HERMIONE
When things get scary
He just hides behind his Harry
Now look he's getting wary
'Cause he knows that I know.
RON
To clever by half,
Never makes me laugh
She nev - -
HERMIONE
He acts like such an ass
RON
This is my verse, hello?
She - -
HERMIONE (Spoken)
Hey, look at me! I'm making confetti!
HERMIONE AND RON
You know
RON
You're really helpful
HERMIONE
And Pig's delightful
RON
You're the cutest in our class
With your eyes as clear as glass
And your firm, yet supple - -
Tight embrace!
HERMIONE
He's swell
RON
She's sweller
HERMIONE
He'll always be my feller
RON
That's why I'll never tell her that I petrified
HERMIONE
I've read this tale
There's wedding, then betrayal
And I know someday I'll want to run to Harry's side
HERMIONE AND RON
I've lied
I've said it's easy
I've tried
HERMIONE
I even tried a love spell
RON
Is she really looking right past me?
HERMIONE
Why is Harry all that I can see?
RON
Will our lives become too stressful if I'm never that successful?
HERMIONE
Will I always feel uneasy with those One Big Happy Weasleys?
RON
Is she crazy?
I'm a cheater!
HERMIONE
Will I marry a Death Eater?
HERMIONE AND RON
We can really raise the beam in making marriage a hell!
So, thank God, I'll never tell!
I swear, that I'll never tell
RON
My lips are sealed
HERMIONE
No Veritas-
RON
Nothing to see
Move it along
HERMIONE AND RON
I'll never
Tell!
A filk by Trina to the tune of I'm In Love With a Wonderful Guy from Rodgers and Hammerstein's South Pacific
Scene: The Great Hall. Enter, HARRY, RON, and VIKTOR KRUM.
H&R: I have known her since the first day of school.
VK: She was my date to the Ball during Yule.
All: She is the girl who puts my heart in a whirl.
H&R I'm in love with Hermi-ione!
VK: I'm in love with Herm-own-ninny!
H&R: She is bookish and brainy.
She never complains.
She knows Hogwarts' Hist'ry.
VK: When the lake's watery hosts took what I'd miss the most,
It was Herm-own-ninny!
ALL: She is a most wonderful girl!
R&H: She took a risk with the great Basilisk so we could find Gi-inny.
VK: She fights for elf-rights and is never whineee!
ALL: She is the girl who puts my heart in a whirl,
I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love,
H&R: I'm in love with Hermi-ione!
VK: I'm in love with Herm-own-ninny!
A filk by Pippin to the tune of People Will Say We're in Love from Rodgers & Hammerstein's Oklahoma
The Scene: After the Daily Prophet article, HARRY offers Hermione a little advice
HARRY [Spoken]
What if she writes more stories that link my name with yours
What will the Slytherins tell her next, behind their paws
I know a way to prove what they say is quite untrue
Here is the gist, a practical list of "don'ts" for you
[Sings]
Don't bring your toast to me
Don't send owl post to me
She'll say that you're close to me
Skeeter will say we're in love
Don't give advice to me
Don't show you're wise to me
Don't ask to revise with me
Skeeter will say we're in love
If I get high a bit
When I am Veela bit
Don't grab me and make me sit
Skeeter will say we're in love
Don't practice charms with me
Don't spend your break with me
Don't walk by the lake with me
Skeeter will say we're in love
Don't think of kissing me
Just 'cause you'll be missing me
She'll say we were meant to be
Skeeter will say we're in love.
Skeeter will say we're in love
A filk by Laura to the tune of Lynyrd Skynrd's Sweet Home Alabama
RON:
Harry, you are my best friend
We've been pals so very long
But there's something I must tell you
And I thought I'd say it with a song
Well, there's this girl at Hogwarts
And I think she's kind of cute
So if you say that you like her
Well then I don't give a hoot
'Cause I'm in love with Hermione
And I think she likes me too
She's the swellest girl at Hogwarts
I know my love for her is true
HARRY:
Ron, I don't think there's a problem
'Cause Cho Chang is the girl for me
Maybe we could even double date
Me, Cho, you, and Hermione
I'm in love with Cho Chang
And I think she likes me too
She's the swellest girl at Hogwarts
I know my love for her is true
HERMIONE:
Ron, I know that you love me
So try not to be bummed
But there's another guy who loves me
And his name is Viktor Krum
I'm in love with Viktor
And I know he loves me too
He's the swellest guy at Durmstrang
I know my love for him is true
GINNY:
I'm in love with you, Harry
And I wish you loved me too
You're the swellest guy at Hogwarts
I know my love for you is true
A filk by Gail to the tune of Come on Eileen by Dexy's Midnight Runners
Note: Ron is singing the lead. The lyrics in the parentheses are Fred, George and Lee Jordan singing back-up vocals. Percy's playing the fiddle.
RON:
Hermione
Hermione
We first met on the train
On the way to Hogwarts, you were there
With your buck teeth and frizzy hair
We thought you were a know-it-all, who'd blame us?
Now you've grown (You've grown)
I've grown (So grown)
Now I must say more than ever (Hermione)
Toora loora toora loo rye aye
My feeling have changed for you since then
Hermione, Oh I swear (On his knees)
At this moment, it's just you and me
We've been through a lot
Of some very tight spots
But since then, ah Hermione
Hermione
Those guys 'round Slytherin
You study very hard, it's such a struggle
But they mock you 'coz your family's Muggle
But not me (No no no)
No, not me (No no no)
I know you're much more smart and clever (You heard him)
Toora loora toora loo rye aye
I'll fight for your honor any day
Hermione, Oh I swear (Listen please)
Your blood-line, it don't mean a thing
That git Draco, I'll punch his fat nose
If he trys to say any thing
(Come on, Hermione rye aye)
(Come on, Hermione rye aye)
Now you've grown (Toora)
Now I've matured (Toora too loora)
Oh, please, say Hermione (Come on)
There's something that I really want to know (Hermione rye aye)
Do you also feel? (Come on, Hermione rye aye)
I must ask now more than ever (Toora loora too loora)
Everything has changed, I said
Toora (Hermione) Loora (Too loo rye aye)
Toora (Hermione) Loo rye aye (Too loo rye aye)
(Toora toora too loo rye aye)
Hermione, oh I swear (Hear him sing)
I will tell you how I was feeling
When I saw you with Krum
I said you were dumb
But darling, that was jelousy
Hermione, oh I swear (What he means)
At the Yule Ball, you were breathtaking
(In those robes) My thoughts (He'll disclose)
Well, I won't say...Hermione!
Hermione...woh, oh, oh
A filk by Kit to the tune of That Face from the Broadway musical The Producers
RON
Our paths diverged in first year on the red train
I'd best confess that I was not quite pleased
To me she was a know-it-all, a big pain,
But soon into my life a friend was eased
Clear opposites, we fight with much inflection
In retrospect I see it's a disgrace
Scared of the truth, I squandered my affection
'Til suddenly I realized...
That face...
That face, that face, that magical face
I guess she's rather cute
We never should dispute
But she's so damn astute
That face, that face, that spellbinding face
Her teeth are finally small
That fight at the Yule Ball
That sure was a close call
For in that light she looked just right
I came so very near
Thought I'd gone mad, I guess I had:
I almost was sincere
That face, that face, that enchanting face
She's s'posed to be my pal
This is how friendship meets its end
Now I'm a basket case,
But it's worth it
For that face
HERMIONE
That face, that face, that warm freckled face
He's such an idiot
How did this git win my heart?
What happened I can't trace,
BOTH
But it's worth it for...
That face
A filk by Kit to the tune of Little Miss Can't Be Wrong by the Spin Doctors
THE SCENE: Ron is reflecting on his relationship with Hermione
RON:
Came in to our compartment lookin' all around
Said a kid had lost his toad and it could not be found
Her frizzy hair and buck teeth both stuck out
Haughtily she told us to be on the look out
I was relieved that she was 'bout to go
But she had time to show off all the magic she know
Pointed out dirt on my nose then she said so long
Little Miss, Little Miss, Little Miss Can't Be Wrong
Little Miss, Little Miss, Little Miss Can't Be Wrong
Never gonna back down and try to get along
Little Miss, Little Miss, Little Miss Can't be Wrong
You know it's true that this tune is just right for your theme song
She wanna do her homework late into the night
Won't let me turn my own in 'til I get it right
It really ain't her business if my work gets done
But if she had the time she would check off everyone
Little Miss...
Where do you get the gall to treat me like a pawn
Little Miss...
Don't know what to do because your will to be perfect is so strong
Whenever we fight you just sit and scoff
You're so sure you're right, and you piss me off
But I guess its a good thing I ain't keepin' score
Because you always win, and that fact I just abhor
Little Miss...
I thought by now outta my life your face would be gone
Little Miss...
Guess I'm glad you're here, but don't you go mistake this for a stupid love song
A filk by Kelly Lasiter to the tune of Something from Disney's Beauty and the Beast
Cast: RON, HERMIONE, HARRY, and NEVILLE. Setting: Gryffindor Tower, just after the Yule Ball.
RON:
Her big brown eyes, her silken curls,
But till tonight I barely saw she was a girl.
She danced with Krum, and now I'm sore;
I don't know why I never noticed her before.
HERMIONE:
He glanced my way, at the Yule Ball.
But he thought I was just a snotty know-it-all!
No, it can't be, I'll just ignore--
But then he's never looked at me that way before.
RON:
What is this strange appeal-a,
Why do I feel all this jealousy?
HERMIONE:
True, I may be no Veela,
But perhaps he's finally got the sense to notice me...
HARRY:
Ron was so green, but he denied
His indignation could be more than Hogwarts pride.
Just wait and see, a few days more,
There may be something there that wasn't there before.
NEVILLE (who hasn't been paying attention):
What? What's there?
HARRY:
There may be something there that wasn't there before.
A filk by Debbie aka elfundeb to the tune of You're the Top by Cole Porter from the musical Anything Goes
It takes place during The Unexpected Task chapter from GoF. It is not properly sung out loud, but may be heard faintly by listening to Ron's deepest subconscious.
RON:
Mere thoughts romantic leave me so frantic
That always I find it best
Instead of getting them off my chest
To let them rest unaddressed.
Were I admittin' that I'm so smitten
Well, then I could tell you how great you are . . .
You're the top
You're a day in Hogsmeade
You're the top
You're a Fizzing Whizbee
You're a tangerine flavored bean from Bertie Botts
You're a sugar quill
You're my brother Bill
You're wizard's chess!
You're the top
You're the Chudley Cannons
You're a vault full of golden galleons
I'm a worthless cheque, a total wreck, a flop
But if, Hermione, I'm the bottom, you're the top!
You're the top
You're a bouncing ferret
You're the great pyramids of Egypt
You're a shimmery silver Invisibility Cloak
You're a Weasley jumper,
You're a Cockroach Cluster,
You're Zonko's jokes!
You're a lark
You're my owl Pigwidgeon
You're a mark of three hundred seven
I'm a house of cards that's fated soon to drop,
But if, Hermione, I'm the bottom, you're the top!
You're the top
You're the best of Aurors
You're a pair of Omnioculars
You're the nimble zoom of the broom of Viktor Krum,
You're an eclair platter
You're a flying Anglia
You're Drooble's gum!
You're romance
You're a Sneakoscope
You're a dance, dressed in brand new dress robes
,
I'm a lazy lout who's just about to stop,
But if, Hermione, I'm the bottom, you're the top!
Two filks by Lilac both to the tune of Her Majesty by the Beatles (yay, I'm on the bandwagon!)
RON:
Hermione's a really smart girl
And boy, she's got a lot to say.
Hermione's a gutsy kind of girl
And she told off Malfoy today.
He called her a really foul word
And I got myself a belly full of slugs.
Hermione's a really good friend
And for her I'd belch a million slugs, oh yeah
For her I'd belch a million slugs
==============================
HARRY:
Ron's sister is a really nice girl
But she doesn't have a lot to say.
Ron's sister is a really quiet girl
But she stood up to Malfoy today.
She told him to leave me alone
and he called her my girlfriend, that slime!
Ron's sister ain't my girlfriend, but
I'm glad that she is on my side, oh yeah
I'm glad that she is on my side.
A filk by Charlene to the tune of My Friends Over You by New Found Glory
THE SCENE: HERMIONE walks into the library to find Viktor sitting at a table. She pulls out her wand, conjures up a stage and guitar, and starts slammin', causing everyone to cluster together and jump around like crazy. Parvati takes out her wand and points it at the ceiling, making the room flash red and blue. A microphone pops up, and here she goes!
HERMIONE
I'm drunk off your skill
Another library day in a row
You said that you did not have the courage
But I did not mean to lead you on
And it's all right to pretend
That we don't talk
It's just for show, isn't it
It's my fault that you asked me out
Just maybe
You need this
And I didn't mean to
Lead you on
You were nothing that I wanted
But then you go ask me to the Yule Ball
There's no room left here in my book
I have read it long ago
Though you swear I'm something new
I still pick my friends over you
(My friends over you)
HERMIONE begins to jump up and down during the killer guitar solo, causing everyone in the library to go wild and jump along with her.
Please tell me everything,
That you think that I should know
About all the plans we made
To visit your old cold hometown
And it's all right to forget
Harry's my friend
Its just for fun, isn't it
It's my fault that you asked me out
Cuz maybe you need this
And I didn't mean to
Lead you on
You were nothing that I wanted
But then you go ask me to the Yule Ball
There's no room left here in my book
I have read it long ago
Though you swear though you swear I'm something new
I still pick my friends over you
(My friends over you)
Just maybe you need this
You need this
You need this
And I didn't
Mean to
Lead you on
You were nothing that I wanted
But then you go ask me to the Yule Ball
There's no room left here in my book
I have read it long ago
Though you swear I'm something new
I still pick my friends over you
The stage and guitar disappear, Madame Pince shooshes HERMIONE out angrily, and the students all resume their original places as though nothing had happened. Viktor looks blown away.
A filk by Pippin to the tune of Happy Together by the Turtles
THE SCENE: Alone after the Yule Brawl, RON expresses his (rather confused) feelings
RON:
Imagine him and you
I do, I think about it days and nights
It really bites
To think about the girl I know and almost like
So happy with Viktor
I could have asked you out
For sure, if only I had seen in time
That you're a girl
But when I think of you with him
I want to hurl
It just makes me sicker
I can't stand it seein' him go out with you
It makes me mad
When you're with him somehow it makes me so blue
And I'm so sad
If I could only say just how I feel
You'd realize this pain inside
Is something real
I wouldn't have to rant and rave and tear the arms
Off miniature Viktor
I can't stand it seein' him go out with you
I'm going mad
When you're with him I just don't know what to do
And I'm so sad
I guess I've missed my chance
It's true, no matter how I toss the dice
I guess we're through
He'll ask you to Bulgaria
This summer, too
That crummy scum Viktor
I can't stand it seein' him hanging with you
It's just a crime
Are you telling tri-wizard secrets to him
That Durmstrang slime
Him and you and you and him
What makes it worse is he's so nice
And I'm so dim
Why would you even look at me
If you're with him
So happy with Viktor
So happy with Viktor
What am I, chopped liver
So happy with Viktor
A filk by Stickbook to the tune of Fight Test by the Flaming Lips, from their excellent album Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots.
Setting: The Yule Ball... RON begins his assault on Hermione's choice of dates. He uses finger-quotes a lot.
DISEMBODIED VOICE:
The Brawl begins… NOW!
RON:
I thought you were smart
I think that I'm right
I think it's better to pick a fight
I thought there was a virtue
In fighting for your school
So when it came time to dance
I thought I'll point out the chance
That this time you could be wrong
And that you
Would be a fool
You don't know where this "friendship" ends
And where the cheating begins
It's not a mystery!
Oh it's Harry who's your friend
Tell me why aren't you helping him
Work out his clue
Instead of fraternizing with Krum?
For I'm sure he takes advantage of
A certain girl blinded by "love"
I'm afraid I don't get it
Oh it makes
Me throw up
You don't know where this "friendship" ends
And where the cheating begins
It's not a mystery!
And I heard your confessions
About those little "study sessions"
In the library
All because of his fame
And he can't even say your name
You have to face it
That he doesn't really like you
I laid eyes on that guy
And I knew it was a pack of lies
I should have punched him
But instead I let him
I let him take you
You don't know where this "friendship" ends
And where the cheating begins
It's not a mystery!
And you've got the nerve to get this uptight
When I likely saved your life
You got all mad at me!
You don't know where this "friendship" ends
And where the cheating begins
It's not a mystery!
And you don't know where the dancing ends
And where the treachery begins
Poor Harry's history!
Harry rolls his eyes. Hermione stomps off in a huff.
And I don't know where school spirit ends
And where hormones begin
It's all a mystery
A mystery…
A filk by Gail to the tune of Hello, Goodbye by the Beatles
WARNING: It gets a bit Shippy at the end here.
HARRY (R/H SHIPPERS):
Ron asked, "Who will you go
With tonight?" Hermione said, "No."
Uh-oh
Although he tries, she won't let him know
He wants to know
On Christmas night there'll be a fight once Ronald knows
He wants to know
On Christmas night there'll be a fight once Ronald knows
Ron said, "Krum?" She said, "So?"
"It's not right," Ron said, "He is the foe!"
Low-blow
Ron was uptight once he came to know
(Yule Ball they'll brawl, Yule Ball they'll brawl) Ron went psycho
(They'll brawl) On Christmas night there was a fight, Ron went psycho
(Yule Ball they'll brawl, Yule Ball they'll brawl) 'Cause of her beau
(They'll brawl) On Christmas night there was a fight 'cause of her beau
I - I - I - I - I - I hate it when they fight, they fight
Oh no!
Like dynamite Ron started to blow
Hurt his ego
On Christmas night there was a fight 'tween the duo
Wished I could go
When on that night they had their fight, wished I could go
She was mad (Was too bad) And although (But I.M.H.O.)
They both yelled (Something else) It didn't come to blows (Was going on below)
Whoa-oh
Now with hindsight, I think that I know
I think I know
The reason why Ron picked that fight and caused such woe
I think I know
By morning's light things were all right, but I'm not slow
I think I know
To my delight they were polite, they let it go
I think I know
When Christmas night they had their fight the seeds were sown
(We know-oh-oh!)
(Ron and Hermione-ah! CHA CHA Ron and Hermione-ah Hey-la! Ron and Hermione...)
A filk by Darrin to the tune of Why God Why from Miss Saigon.
The Scene: Ron alone in his bedroom, after the Yule Ball
RON:
Why did Hogwarts have to host these games?
When did she become so beautiful?
I can't believe I used to call her names
And used to joke about the stupid SPEW
Hermione
I can't believe you're just a friend
But now I'm worried it will all end
Why Krum? Why that git?
I can't believe it, I am an idiot.
She might have given him a good night kiss
Oh God, what chance did I miss?
When did she get such a perfect smile?
And what did she do to fix her hair?
She's doing this just to get me riled
Or even worse, she does not care
Hermione
I should have asked you to the dance
Oh please just give me one more chance
Why Krum? Why not me?
We are fated. We're meant to be.
Yes, I should have seen you before
but I'll make it up, all that and more
Why Krum? What is next?
My heart is thudding in my chest
I liked the Trio I thought I knew
but now it's down to me and you
When I went to the ball
Couldn't talk to you at all
Padma left me in a chair
And I didn't even care
I went home to my room
And broke my Krum heirloom
Once liked watching him play
in the Quidditch World Cup
But now I look at him
And give in to my heart's whim
Just please don't give up on us yet...
Why Krum? Why this way?
Why didn't I know what to say?
I liked the trio I thought I knew
But now it's down to me and you....
Me and you...
A filk by Gail to the tune of I Wish I Were In Love Again as performed by Frank Sinatra
RON:
I argue with her - but some SHIPpers
Say that I'm engaging in banter
I thought I wasn't but now I'm not sure
They say that I'm in love with her
When she speaks - it's a critique
From House Elves to saving Buckbeak
Call her "Know-It-All" at least twice a week
Still they say that I'm in love with her
I don't know - does it show?
Like her though - but I swear that we're just friends
I was fine - up to this time
But then they started pointing out the signs
Never thought about it - but they say that I'm
In love with her
I remember that - when her pet cat
Tried to attack Scabbers my rat
She treated me like a stupid prat
Still they say that I'm in love with her
When she said "Vicky" - at the library
Invited her to the Yule Party
I said "You're fraternizing with the enemy"
Doesn't prove that I'm in love with her
No, it can't be - no, no not me
Hermione? - I swear that we're just friends
I suppose that I - cannot deny
Was upset when she was petrified
I know I'm not but still they say that I'm
In love with her, in love with her, in love with her
A filk by Nicole Lyon to the tune of Complicated by Avril Lavigne
The Scene: Seething, HERMIONE stomps off after one of her post-Yule Ball fights with Ron and tears at her hair.
HERMIONE (chanting):
Hey Ron, what's the sitch?
Hey Ron, Hey Ron, what's it gonna be?
So what's the sitch?
Hey Ron, Hey Ron, what's it gonna be?
(Now singing)
Time out, what's this all about?
Why do you need to scream and shout
Are you mad about my date with Krum?
Why, how come?
Did you want me just to sit
And brood over you, you twit?
While you and your date had loads of fun
Well you've become
Somebody else, you're just not yourself
It's mean and it's rude, your bad attitude
You're treatin' poor Krum like you think he's scum it seems
Tell me
Why do you have to go and make things so complicated?
You see the way you're acting like a big giant jerk gets me frustrated
So what's the deal
You snarl and you jeer and you sneer
And you act like I turned you down flat but you never even
Thought to ask me, "Wanna be my date for the ball?"
No no no
You act like a stupid grouch
Your face is a great big pout
Your thoughts and your acts are so petty
It's makin' me
Want to punch you in the nose
And stomp my foot on your toes
You're far from impressin' anyone
When you become
Somebody else, you're just not yourself
It's mean and it's rude, your bad attitude
You're treatin' poor Krum like you think he's scum it seems
Tell me
Why do you have to go and make things so complicated?
You see the way you're acting like a big giant jerk gets me frustrated
So what's the deal
You snarl and you jeer and you sneer
And you act like I turned you down flat though you never even
Thought to ask me, "Wanna be my date for the ball?"
No no no
Time out, what's this all about?
Why do you need to scream and shout
Are you mad about my date with Krum?
Ron, you've become
Somebody else, you're just not yourself
It's mean and it's rude, your bad attitude
You're treatin' poor Krum like you think he's scum it seems
Tell me
Why do you have to go and make things so complicated?
You see the way you're acting like a big giant jerk gets me frustrated
So what's the deal
You snarl and you jeer and you sneer
And you act like I turned you down flat though you never even
Thought to ask me, "Wanna be my date for the ball?"
No no
(repeat last stanza)
Hermione lets out a scream of frustration and then hurries to bury herself in the oblivion of her homework
A filk by Eileen to the tune of the Veggie Tales' Dance of the Cucumber
N.B. - My attempt at filking two languages at a time. Any
native Spanish speakers are directed to forgive me for
my grasp of the language. I only have two years of
formal Spanish, and my HP Spanish books to rely on
here.
NARRATOR: As part of the Yule Ball entertainment,
Hermione will be performing the traditional
Argentinian ballad The Dance of the Know-It-All in
its original Spanish. Ron will translate.
HERMIONE: Miren al sabelotodo
RON: "Watch the know-it-all"
HERMIONE: Miren como se mueve
RON: "See how she moves,"
HERMIONE: Como un kneezle
RON: "...like a kneezle..."
HERMIONE: tras una rata.
RON: "...chasing a rat."
HERMIONE: Miren al sabelotodo
RON: "Watch the know-it-all."
HERMIONE: sus suaves movimientos
RON: "Oh, how smooth her motion,"
HERMIONE: tal como Lockhart
RON: "...like Lockhart..."
HERMIONE: con sus admiradoras.
RON: "...with his admirers."
HERMIONE: Miren al sabelotodo
RON: "Look at the know-it-all"
HERMIONE: Los chicos bobos
RON: "The foolish boys..."
HERMIONE: envidian a su amigo
RON: "...envy their friend..."
HERMIONE: como ella quieren bailar
RON: "...wishing to dance as she"
HERMIONE: Sabelotodo bailarin, sabelotodo bailarin,
sabelotodo bailarin
RON: "Dancing know-it-all, dancing know-it-all, dancing know-it-all"
HERMIONE: Baila, baila, ya!
RON: "Dance, dance, yeah!"
HERMIONE: Miren al pelirrojo
RON: "Look at the red-head"
HERMIONE: No es triste?
RON: "Isn't it sad?"
HERMIONE: El no puede bailar.
RON: "He can't dance."
HERMIONE: !Pobre pelirrojo!
RON: Poor red-head!
HERMIONE: El deberia poder bailar
RON: "He wishes he could dance..."
HERMIONE: Con el sabelotodo
RON: "....with the know-it-all"
HERMIONE: libre y suavemente.
RON: "...free and smooth."
HERMIONE: Pero el no puede danzar.
RON: "But he can't ..." Okay! Stop the music! What do
ya mean I can't dance with you? I don't want to dance
with you! It's just that you're fraternizing with the
enemy! Don't you know that Viktor Krum's Harry's
enemy?
HERMIONE: No comprendo.
RON: "No comprendo? I'll show you 'No comprendo'!"
NARRATOR: "This has been Silly Songs With Hermione.
Tune in next time to hear Hermione sing ..."
HERMIONE: "Ron is really angry!
I think he's jealous of me!
Well, you know what the solution is. Next time ask me
first, and not as as last resort!
A filk by Audra Hammer to the tune of What I Like About You by The Romantics, for our favorite Hogwarts couples that I made up in the car on my way home--it doesn't go exactly to the music, but it's just for fun.
Setting: The Yule Ball in Goblet. Cedric Diggory and Cho Chang are dancing
CHO:
Hey, uh-huh
What I like about you, you're the man of my dreams,
And we play the same position on our Houses' Quidditch teams.
CEDRIC:
Racing for the snitch, I felt a bond.
Picture you each time I polish my wand, yes I do.
That's what I like about you.
And we move on to Draco Malfoy and Pansy Parkinson
PANSY:
What don't I like about you? You really got it all,
With your blonde hair, silver eyes, and aristocratic drawl.
DRACO:
What can I say? Our tastes agree.
We have so much in common--we both love ME, yes it's true.
That's what I like about you
Now we listen in on Viktor Krum and Hermione Granger
VIKTOR:
Vat I am liking about you, Her-mi-nin-o-nin-ny,
Your eyebrows don't meet in the middle like the girls from my country.
HERMIONE:
Please stop talking, Viktor, my dear,
You're not the brightest bulb, but you've got a nice rear, yes you do.
That's what I like about you.
A filk by Fyre to the tune of Don't Phunk With My Heart by the Black Eyed Peas
SCENE: Hermione decides that she should finally choose between guys, so she decides to spice things up buy making it into a game show.
Comment: I liked the music video for this and I'm very loosely basing this off it, and I'm sorry to all shippers who disagree with this
HERMIONE:
No, no, no, no don't jinx up my heart (yeah)
No, no, no, no don't jinx up my heart
I wonder if I bring you home Will you still love me, baby (love me baby) I wonder if I bring you home Would you still love me, baby (love me baby)
RON:
Hermione, you know you have me
That wand tip has shot me
And I'm here helplessly
I'm in love, nothing can stop me
You can't stop me once it's started
Can't leave me once you got me
Come to me, girl. You know I've got it (for you I'll wait)
So let's get about it
HERMIONE:
No, no, no, no don't jinx up my heart
RON:
Baby, you can trust me, trust me
You know I ain't all lusty, lusty
You know I bring you comfort
You know I don't just want your body
I want your mind too
Wonderin' what I'll find in you
Yes, I'm interested in it all
Come on girl (yee-haw)
(come on)
HERMIONE:
I wonder if I bring you home
Will you still love me, baby (love me baby)
I wonder if I bring you home
Would you still love me, baby (love me baby)
No, no, no, no don't jinx up my heart
HARRY (HERMIONE):
'Mioney, you had me when you met me
My care for you is not iffy
I always want you with me
I'll play Charming, you play Beauty (ahh-ee-ahh)
If you drink, I'll drink too
You know I'm so in love with you
Crazy me, crazy you
I'm crazy in love, a crazy fool
HERMIONE:
No, no, no, no don't jinx up my heart
HARRY (to RON):
Why are you so uneasy
When you say you love her freely
You claim I'd be a cheater
You'd say I'd go off and just leave her
For some other senorita
Hermione knows that I need her
You must have caught amnesia
Since you don't believe
(Uh, yeah, check it out)
RON:
Don't worry about a thing, baby
You've got my heart my a string, baby
Don't worry about a thing, baby
You've got my heart my a string, baby
VICTOR:
Her-me-own-ie you make me feel
You make me feel oh so real
I can keep you from this whole ordeal
(Cause you're)
My-m, My-m, My-m, my girl
My-m, My-m, My-m, my girl
My-m, My-m, My-m, my girl
My-m, My-m, My-m, my girl
My-m, My-m, My-m, my girl
[Overlapping]
HERMIONE: No, no, no, no don't jinx up my heart
No, no, no, no don't jinx up my heart
VICTOR: My-m, My-m, My-m, my girl
My-m, My-m, My-m, my girl
HERMIONE:
I wonder if I bring you home
Will you still love me, baby (love me baby)
I wonder if I bring you home
Would you still love me, baby (love me baby)
I wonder if I bring you home
Will you still love me, baby (love me baby)
I wonder if I bring you home
Would you still love me, baby (love me baby)
RON:
Don't worry about a thing, baby
You've got my heart my a string, baby
Don't worry about a thing, baby
You've got my heart my a string, baby
Draco Malfoy sneaks up behind Hermione and whispers something inaudible in her ear. Hermione's face lights up. Hermione jumps into Draco's arms, which produces a fair bit of complaining as Draco and Hermione head out the door.
On a suggestion of Lisa I.
To the tune of Tango: Maureen from Rent
THE SCENE: The Quidditch playing fields of Hogwarts. On broomstick are HARRY and VIKTOR KRUM. KRUM is teaching HARRY how to properly execute the Wronski Feint. During the music, HARRY and KRUM fly around one another in a simulation of tango dancers, with the Bludgers and the Snitch flitting about in time with the music.
HARRY
The Bludgers won't delay
But the Quaffle-
KRUM
There's another way
Fly upwards -- anywhere
HARRY
Right! - one, two three --
A Bludger almost creams Harry
KRUM
Anywhere but there
This is weird
HARRY
It's weird?
KRUM
Very weird
HARRY (to himself)
Blinkin' weird
KRUM
I'm so mad
That I don't know what to do
Fighting with Karkaroff
Wishing he'd bugger off
And to top it all off
There's that girl
She ignites such a spark
That for her I turned shark
She's the one who once turned the time, you see
HARRY
You're now a believah
In that most learnèd diva
It's called the Tango Hermy
BOTH
The Tango Hermy
It's deft dizzy Jeopardy game
HARRY
It's a hedgehog pincushion…..
KRUM (spoken)
You're right
HARRY
….that won't ever stop pushin'
KRUM (spoken)
No different with me
HARRY
There's just no holding back
As each fact she attacks
She's all almanac and all woman
KRUM
I think she's the girl fer me
BOTH
The Tango Hermy!
KRUM
Has she ever heaved a great sigh
And cried out, "Ronald"?
HARRY (spoken)
Never.
KRUM
Could she ever go for a guy
Who talks like Ahnold?
HARRY
We've been friends ever since she was rescued from troll disaster
But we're friends, nothing more…
KRUM
HARRY (spoken)
It's hard to fly this backwards
KRUM (spoken)
You should try it with Veelas!
HARRY (music)
That Skeetah
KRUM
She defeated
HARRY
She gets heated
If a sweet elf gets mistreated
KRUM
Should I join up with SPEW?
HARRY
When you meet in libraries
Is she unaware she
Casts this love charm on you?
BOTH
With her teeth set so straight
She allures like pure fate
Or a portent of great mystery
While whole chapters she quotes
Which she has learned by rote
From that Hogwarts: A History
HARRY
The Tango Hermy….
Who knows if she'll take Ron or take you….
KRUM
Just came here for a trophy
For the folks back in Sofia
BOTH
But there's only one prize
It's the brain with brown eyes
KRUM
Oh my chum I've succumbed
Yes it's true
HARRY
So even though she's skinny
KRUM
And though her voice sounds tinny
Harry perfectly executes the Wronski Feint, barely missing the ground
HARRY (spoken)
Missed the pitch!
KRUM
My Herm-own-ninny
HARRY (spoken)
Matched!
KRUM (spoken)
Good!
HARRY (spoken)
You know - I feel great now!
KRUM (spoken)
I feel….Krummy
BOTH (music)
The Tango Hermy!
NOTE: Sofia is the capital of Bulgaria
A filk by GiNnY to the tune of Something Stupid
SETTING: Ginny walks along the Hogwarts corridors after fleeing from the Gryffindor Common Room, following the incident where Ron first finds out Hermione has a Yule Ball date, and insists that Harry settle for going with Ginny, but Ginny already agreed to go with Neville. Feeling totally miserable, Ginny felt dramatically like she was in a musical, and sings while walking in the halls....
This cool guitar intro plays in the background....
GINNY
I have to stand in line
Before you even take the time
To stop and glance my way.
When you were at our place,
I hid and stared, got lost in space,
Can't think of words to say.
You finally spoke to me,
I promptly blushed and flustered
Then I dropped the porridge bowl, too.
Well, I just went and spoiled it all
By doing something stupid.
Oh, I love you.
I can see in your green eyes
That you despised Tom Riddle's lies,
You rescued me from harm.
You killed the basilisk,
For me you took an awful risk,
Found myself safe in your arms.
Years after, you've no date
To the Yule Ball, those cruel fates,
I should be going with you.
But to Neville, I said "Yes!",
Oh this is such a crazy mess,
I want to dance with you.
Fled from the room, my poor heart bled,
My cheeks turned red,
And, oh, I feel so blue.
'Cause I just went and spoiled it all
By doing something stupid,
But I love you.
another cool guitar sequence
My poor heart, how it bled,
My cheeks turned red,
And, oh, I felt so blue.
'Cause there it is, I spoiled it all
By doing something stupid.
How I love you....
I love you....
I love you... (repeat to fade)
A filk by Lilac on The Letter Song from the musical The Secret Garden
H/G SHIP WARNING! This scenario is inspired by the many stories from The Sugar Quill. No, it hasn't happened, but it could happen. Only JKR knows for sure...
The Scene: Let's pretend it's the summer after GoF. Harry will spend the last two weeks of the summer at the Burrow with the Weasleys. In the meantime, Ginny wants to write a nice note to Harry to let him know she is thinking about him--not as a crush anymore, but as a friend. Hermione is with her as she writes [she arrived a couple of days ago]. Also, pretend the scene is split down the middle and we can also see Harry reading the same letter after it is delivered and can hear his comments as well.
GINNY (singing as she is writing - Hermione is with her)
D E A R Harry Potter
How are you? I'm fine
And everybody else is too.
See you soon.
HARRY:(Spoken) I know, I can't wait to get there.
GINNY: Ron tells me those awful Muggles barely feed you food.
Do they have hearts made of stone there?
HARRY (Spoken) Yes! I can't get away from them fast enough!
GINNY: See you soon. (Asking Hermione) Should I say I've got no crush now?
HARRY: Oh, she still must crush on me!
GINNY: Should I say we're just good friends now?
HARRY: Will she ever get over me?
HERMIONE: I think that what you've got is good, let's send it owl post right away. He'll come here then he can see how you don't blush and run away...
GINNY: (just singing not writing) Oh, kind friend, Harry Potter, I hope that you will see that my crush on you is over..
HARRY:(Spoken) That's okay if she still likes me, she's kind of cute.
GINNY: See you soon..... HARRY: Can't tell Ron....
GINNY: Yours Truly?
HERMIONE: Well...
GINNY: Sincerely?
HERMIONE: How's about...
GINNY: Your friend, Ginny
A fill by Lilac based on How Could I Ever Know? from The Secret Garden
H/G SHIP WARNING! Inspired by That Corner Of The Room by Honeychurch at The Sugar Quill. No, these events haven't happened, but they could happen. I, like Honeychurch, want so badly for Harry to have a crush on Ginny, especially if she is obviously over her "crushy" awkwardness towards him.
The Scene: Let's pretend it's Harry's 5th year, and the war against Voldemort has started outside of Hogwarts. But safely inside Hogwarts, we find Harry, along with many other Gryffindors, in the common room. He can see Ginny in a chair in the corner. He has this inner dialogue with himself...
HARRY:
How could I have this big crush on Ginny?
How could I know I would like her so?
How could I not notice her before this?
How could I be so slow? How could I be so slow?
How could I think she is just Ron's sister
When I see more than just sister there
We've become friends, but I want more, now, oh,
How can I let her know? How can I let her know?
Forgive me, can she forgive me
and search within her heart
and find out that she still likes me
so we can never part.
How can I tell her when those around me
Get hurt or killed just by knowing me?
Sure as she breathes, when this war is over,
I'll tell Ginny just how I feel.
That is, if... I do not get killed.
A filk by Tabouli to the tune of the theme song for The Brady Bunch
This is the story
Of a boy called Harry,
Who was caught between two very lovely girls,
One of them had hair of fire, like her brothers,
And one had bushy curls;
A crush on Harry
Had the girl called Ginny,
She was dizzy to have him for her own,
He was best friends with her older brother,
But she was all alone.
H/G shippers say if Ginny got her fellow,
All would tru - ly come right in the crunch,
Harry then would get a loving family,
For through marriage he would join the Weasley Bunch!
The Weasley Bunch,
The Weasley Bunch,
Yes, they say he will join the Weasley Bunch!
A filk by Richard to the tune of Truckin' by the Grateful Dead
Now, the HP universes that I have spent time around all revolve around the fact that Harry falls in love and marries Ginny, while Hermoine falls in love with and marries Ron. So, these songs are focused around such story lines. Here is the song:
Witchin' - got my spells cassed in, I mean Witchin', just like Ginny can.
Together, everybody's fine, just keep Witchin' on.
Arrows of light and flashing spells out on Diagon Street.
Dudley, Snape, Voldy and all the usual creeps.
Your typical witch involved in a typical daydream,
Hang up your robes and see what tomorrow brings.
Ginny, oh you're mighty fine; Harry, oh baby you are mine;
McGonagall's got the ways and means; but just won't let you be.
Most of the students that you meet in the rooms speak of true love,
Most of the time they're brewing a potion at home.
One of these days they know they better get goin'
And pass their NEWT's or they're gonna be Witchin' alone.
Witchin', the way that Ginny can. Harry told Voldy "You've got to play your hand"
Sometimes your cards ain't worth a Knut, if you don't lay 'em down.
Sometimes the spell's all shinin' on Ginny;
Other times it can then be Harry.
Lately it occurres to me; what a long school year it's been.
What in the world ever became of sweet Gin?
She lost her true love, you know she isn't the same
Livin' on Fred's curing potion and Ron's games,
All Harry can say is "Ain't it a shame?"
Witchin', up to Diagon. Been thinkin', you got to talk to Ron,
Takes time, you need a broomstick to go, and just keep Witchin' on.
Sittin' and starin' out of the Common Room window.
Got a tip Voldy's gonna kick the door in again.
I'd like to get some sleep before I battle,
But if you got a curse, I guess you're gonna come in.
Busted, down on Hogsmeade Street, Set up, like a Muggle geek.
Cursed down, spells get to wearin' thin. They just won't let you be.
You're sick of hangin' around and you'd like to battle;
Get tired of Witchin' and you want to settle down.
Guess Voldy can't revoke your soul for tryin',
Get out of the room and curse out and look all around.
Sometimes the spell's all shinin' on Ginny;
Other times it can then be Harry.
Lately it occurres to me; what a long, school year it's been.
Witchin', I'm a goin' home. Whoa whoa Harry, baby here I come,
Back home, to the Burrow I go, and get back Witchin' on.
Hey now get back Witchin' home.
A filk by Richard to the tune of Paul Simon's Book Ends.
Time it was and what a time it was, it was
A time of magic spells, a time of hexes.
Long ago, my dear Ginny, I have you in my heart,
Preserve your memories, they're all that's left of you
A filk by Severely Snaped to the tune of Sk8er Boi by Avril Lavigne
The Scene: It's the Hogwarts graduates' 5th-year reunion, a certain someone gets up and starts singing to his guest (his wife) and another guy in the crowd...
He was a boy
She was a girl
Can I make it any more obvious?
She was a kid
He was a star
With a lightning-bolt scar
She wanted him
They could all tell
And maybe then he wanted her as well
But all of his friends
Started to jeer
'cause she was a red-haired Weasley fourth year
She was a Weasley girl
While he tries to save the world
She was his best friend's kid sister
She tried to talk to him
But he thought that she was dim
Because of her stutter and shy words
Eight years from now
He sits at home
He's saved the whole world but he's all alone
He turns on TV
Guess who he sees?
Ginny who's Head of the Ministry
He owls up her bro
Of course he does know
"Why don't you come see us at the Burrow?"
So Harry flies there
But can only stare
At the pretty witch with the confident air...
She was a Weasley girl
Now his head was in a whirl
She was a confident young witch
He tried to talk to her
But his words were just a slur
It seems that their roles had just been switched
She was a Weasley girl
Now his head was in a whirl
She was a confident young witch
He tried to talk to her
But his words were just a slur
It seems that their roles had just been switched
Instrumental--The singer jumps onto a table and smirks at a messy-haired young man
Well too late now, git, you missed out
You see that girl, she's all mine now
We got lost one lonely night
Then she saw me in a whole new light
Though at first I made her cry
She trusted me, stuck by my side
Made me see through my Father's lies
You saved the world but I got the prize
I'm just a man
She's just my witch
We're expecting a baby
We're filthy rich
We are in love
Haven't you heard?
How we rule the Wizard World...
I'm with the Weasley girl
You look like you're gonna hurl
Well Potter you shouldn't have ignored
The way she defended you
Which I gave her credit to
Oh well you got what you deserved
I'm with the Weasley girl
You look like you're gonna hurl
Well Potter you shouldn't have ignored
The way she defended you
Which I gave her credit to
Oh well you got what you deserved
end song
Twirling a microphone in his hand, Draco Malfoy smirked at Harry Potter. "I guess the hero doesn't always get the girl, eh, Potter?" Draco drawled. Harry raised an eyebrow and Ginny sent him an apologetic look. "Draco! Stop that!" she ordered. "Yes, m'am," he said meekly, and sat quietly in the corner for the rest of the night.
A filk by Gail to the tune of Uptown Girl by Billy Joel
Dedicated to those Draco/Hermione Shippers...I would never have imagined such a pair, but hey, it takes all kinds!
DRACO (with Crabbe and Goyle singing backups)
Mudblood girl
She's been living in her Muggle world
I bet she never had a Slytherin guy
Would have asked before, but was too shy
I'm gonna try for a Mudblood girl
She's been living in her Muggle world
Now she's schooling here at Hogwarts and
I wonder if she'll like a Slytherin man
That's what I am
My friends they mock me
I don't mind her pedigree
We'll make a good pair
This I will guarantee
She'll see I'm not evil
What a thrill
Maybe she'll be my Mudblood girl
I have heard about her Muggle world
She's gotten tired of that mundane life
I can take her away from all that strife
Maybe as wife
Mudblood gal
Hanging out with her Gryffindor pals
I know what reputation Slytherin has
Hope she will forget this prejudice
'Cause I have class
And when she's studying
Down at the library
That's when I'll ask her
If she will go out with me
I hope she'll say, "Okay"
Would be great
Want to date
With a Mudblood girl
She's been living in her Muggle world
Now she's schooling here at Hogwarts and
I wonder if she'll like a Slytherin man
That's what I am
Mudblood girl
She's my Mudblood girl
You know I'm in love
With a Mudblood girl
My Mudblood girl
You know I'm in love
With a Mudblood girl
My Mudblood girl
You know I'm in love
With a Mudblood girl
....personally waiting for a Ron/Hermione SHIP to come in :)>
A filk by Shay Caron to the tune of Short Skirt, Long Jacket by Cake
I want a boy with a heart that's enormous
I want a boy who bends the rules
I want a boy with taped-up specs
And eyes that glow like emerald jewels
I want a boy with the right incantations
Who is fast and nimble and knows how to sneak
He's putting on his glasses
He's messing with his hair
He's soaring 'round the Quidditch pitch and he can sure Seek
I want a boy with a short scar and a long broomstick
I want a boy who's bad at Potions
I want a boy who's good at Charms
I want a boy with simply insane generosity
Who uses his holly wand to smack evil down
With his old map that charts out Hogwarts
And a cloak that turns him invisible
He is fast, nimble and knows how to sneak
He is soaring 'round the Quidditch pitch and he can sure Seek
I want a boy with a short scar and a long, long broomstick
I want a boy with a long streak of kindness
I want a boy who has a strong will
In common room we will meet accidentally
We'll start to talk when he borrows my quill
He wants to hide from the paper reporters
He wants to just live a normal life
He's the Boy Who Lived -- that's not why I want him
To me he's just Harry, and I won't stop 'til I've got him
I want a boy with a short scar and a long broomstick
To the tune of I Have a Song to Sing, Oh! from Gilbert & Sullivan's The Yeoman of the Guard
THE SCENE: Gryffindor Common Area. Several residents gather to pay musical homage to (i.e., to gossip about) the various ships in their midst.
LEE JORDAN
I have a ship to sing, oh!
ALL
Sing us your ship, oh!
LEE
It is sung of a lass
Who's atop her class
Who's showed she's smart as a whip, oh!
It's the song of a Gryffindor, growing great
Whose frocks were frizzed and whose teeth were straight
Who sought forsooth but met no mate
As she sighed for the love of a laddie.
ALL
Heighdy! heighdy!
Misery me--lack-a-day-dee!
She drove off Drac and craved no Krum
As she sighed for the love of a laddie.
PARVATI
I have a ship to sing, oh!
ALL
Sing us your ship, oh!
PARVATI
It is sung on webrings
Where they filksongs sing
To tunes that are not quite hip, oh!
It's the song of a Parselmouth, perfect pluck,
Who dunks Dark Lords, and who, with some luck,
Was sorted into Gryffindor, Quidditch quick,
His head was scarred and his hair would stick
He Seeker sought but Ced she said
As he sighed for the love of a lady.
ALL
Heighdy! heighdy!
Misery me--lack-a-day-dee!
He drove off Dud and snapped at Snape
As he sighed for the love of a lady.
SEAMUS FINNEGAN
I have a ship to sing, oh!
ALL
Sing us your ship, oh!
SEAMUS
It is sung to the air
Of a girl red-haired
And her brothers gave her lip, oh!
It's the song of an innocent, shy and sweet
Who let a dwarf with valentines greet
The bold youthful Parselmouth, perfect pluck,
Who dunks Dark Lords, and who, with some luck,
Shed the blood of the basilisk, born of hate
Whose eyes were death and whose fangs were great
He bit the book and set Tom straight
Once she wrote in the book of a Riddle
ALL
Heighdy! heighdy!
Misery mill --lack-a-diddle!
He bit the book and set Tom straight
Once she wrote in the book of a Riddle
LAVENDER BROWN
I have a ship to sing, oh!
ALL
Sing us your ship, oh!
LAVENDER
It is sung by a gnome
Who is heading back home
As through the fence he slips, oh!
It's a song of the youngest bro, clan renowned,
But the duds he donned were hand-me-downs
He's sent with the Gryffindor lass by the Hat
Where they bickered brash like cat and rat
And the Parselmouth was his perfect pal
For his mordant mirth multiplied morale
When the Ball began he at last gained chance
To ask the lass with frizzed frocks to dance
But lost his luck and stalled his stance
When he vied for that vamp of a Veela
ALL
Heighdy! heighdy!
Misery me--lack-a-dee-la!
She's voting Vic and courting Krum
'Cause he vied for that vamp of a Veela
Heighdy! heighdy!
Misery ming--lack-a-day-ding!
They're still just teens, so it can't be seen
All the trips that their ships will be taking!
A filk by Alexandra to the tune of the song by Don McLean that is actually called Vincent
Here's another Sirius sobfilk. I'm an SB/RL shipper all the way, oh yeah!
As students at Hogwarts, Sirius sees Remus looking out the window.
SIRIUS:
Starry, starry night
Dominated by the moon
You know it will be full soon
You look away, I gaze into your soul
Shadows 'neath your eyes
Haunt your face and make me cry
Count the days until you die
I only do the little that I can
Now I understand that you tried to shy from me
To bear your suffering with dignity
With no help from James and me
Most people only see the monster, so
I doubt they'll listen… no
Starry, starry night
The new moon, and your eyes so grey
Shine because the moon's away
I tell you just how much I care for you
Your cheeks changing hue
Sirius is taken away to Azkaban.
Then the years fall by like rain
On weathered faces lined in pain
I dare to hope and take your gentle hand
Remus pulls Sirius to his feet in the Shrieking Shack and embraces him, to the shock of Harry and Co.
How I understand why you cried for me, instead
When you thought the Rat was dead
When so many did agree
That I was heartless, oh yes, how
Nothing has changed now
Sweet, they cannot love you
Even though your heart is true
Back then, no hope was left in sight
On that starry, starry night
But you took my hand and pulled me back to you
Oh, I could have told you, Remus
This world was never meant
For one as beautiful as you
Late one night at Order headquarters, Remus cannot sleep. But he is not as alone as he thinks.
Another starry night
Portraits hung in empty halls
House elf heads on shameless walls
Your eyes still watch the world and can't forgive
The mistakes you live
You dress in ragged, ragged clothes
But you are sweeter than a rose
Your heart was shattered many years ago
Now I think I know what you tried to save from me
How you forced your soul to be
I wish I could set it free
I can just watch, now, from the windowsill
But, love, I always will
A filk by Will "scifantasy" Frank to the tune of The Wreck Of The Edmund Fitzgerald by Gordon Lightfoot
Not so much a filk of the book, but a filk of the wankstorm the book caused as people's pet pairings were either canonized or destroyed. Here's a list of the ship names I used.
The legend lives on from Livejournal on down
Of the fleet of ships for Harry Potter
The fans, so we hear, grow by bounds every year
And the ship wars grow hotter and hotter
With the legions of fans who were wringing their hands
'Cause about the next book they were thinking
Well it finally came out, and they let out a shout
Then a lot of the ships started sinking
The ships were all manned though a few had been banned
And a good many more made folks squicky
Well they all read the books and then got dirty looks
Because Rowling had written quite tricky
Many shippers were pissed and a few felt quite dissed
As their ships all fell into the water
Then the wailing began, from the mouths of the fans
On the ships of the fleet Harry Potter
Well all Girl!Blaise ships died and the slashers all cried
When the "Wolfstar" and "Handcuffs" hit bottom
And the "Fire And Ice" sailors didn't think twice
But the iceberg of plot is what got 'em
Oh, the "Loonies and Lions" collapsed from inside
And the "Pumpkin Pie's" rats all are leaving
And one big ship to go was the "Prudence & Po-
Tions" when Severus turned out to be evil
Well a few ships got far but they fell ever harder
When a plot complication struck home
Like the "Strawberry Tart" with the jealousy part
But a love potion trick sent it going
Well, the "Neon," we thought, would be part of the plot
Though it technically still would be listing
But the dream quickly broke since it all was a joke
When she changed who it was she was missing
Coming into the lead and still gaining more speed
Well the old "Orange Crush" flags were flyin'
And the "Good Ship H/R" followed close but still far
While the "Government" seemed to be tryin'
The adult ships don't get much attention, I bet
Grownups' lives are not always what we see
But the two ships we saw left the readers in awe
"Fang And Flora" and old "Wotcher Wolvie"
And the fans went online and they all started cryin'
And the watery tears started swellin'
But then over the waves came a few who were brave
And they started all screamin' and yellin'
They had not taken kindly to what they did find
How would you like it if your ship sank?
There was nothing to do but complain through and through
And so there was the start of the wank
Well the wank has begun; it'll be lots of fun
To see what happens next to the fandom
Lots of people might leave 'cause they just can't believe
That the ships they were on were not canon
The legend lives on from Livejournal on down
The flames growing hotter and hotter
But the way that I see it, too much OTP
Caused the wank of the fleet Harry Potter
A filk by Abiona Lowell to the title tune from the musical Rent
HARRY:
How do I live my own life
When the world is getting more
Darker each day?
Dementors--Death Eaters--blow my mind
And now this deadline
Fight him or die!
Riddle!
HERMIONE:
How do you tell Ron
When he's always wrong
About how stupid he is in that robe
When he's so sour
And he thinks he has power
To date little old me--He doesn't care
GINNY:
When his heart is frozen!
HARRY & HERMIONE:
Some life that we've chosen!
How we gonna get through
How we gonna get through
How we gonna get through
This school year!
GINNY:
He's a nitwit!
HARRY:
How do you end a war
When they're no longer here
Oh Dumbledore, Sirius, I miss you...
HERMIONE:
How can you tell him
When you can't find the words
GINNY:
Say I love you!
RON:
Just believe in yourself mate
GINNY:
Say I
HERMIONE:
I love you
HARRY & HERMIONE:
How we gonna get through
How we gonna get through
How we gonna get through
This school year!
RON:
Listen to me mate
It's me--Ronald
Your very best friend
Hey Hey Hey (You should sleep)
Don't change the subject Harry
But mate--you never sleep at all
You won't fall asleep
You won't fall asleep
The nightmares
Will stop eventually
You need to really need to try to get some sleep
I don't sound like Hermione!!
GINNY:
You've got to stay on your feet
Even when he may treat
You like shit
(And usually it's shit)
Please don't back down
You need to calm down
I think you found..
HERMIONE:
And uh--oh
I feel sick
RON & HARRY:
Where is she?
HERMIONE:
Getting dizzy
RON, HARRY, HERMIONE, AND GINNY:
How we gonna get through
How we gonna get through
How we gonna get through
This school year!
GINNY:
Hermione, you sound sad
I don't believe those two after everything you've done
Ever since the Ball they've been dirt
They'll see they were wrong about everything done.
Sung Simultaneously
GINNY:
They are just stupid boys
They are just stupid boys
Oh, they will pay...
They are just stupid boys
HERMIONE:
Ughhhhh--
Ughhhhh--
Ughhhhh-- I can't think
Ughhhhh--
Ughhhhh--
Ughhhhh-- I need a drink
HARRY:
The Death Eaters ignite the sky with fire
RON:
Harry, I'm not a dating person!
HARRY:
Avada Kedavra hovers and instills fear
RON:
Could never be a dating person...
HARRY:
Zoom in as the burn the world to the ground
HERMIONE:
Hello?
HARRY:
And feel the heat of the future glow
End overlap
HERMIONE:
Hello?
RON:
Hello? Hermione?
You want to talk with me?
Okay, all right
HERMIONE:
Let's go!
HERMIONE & RON:
How do you leave the past behind
When it keeps finding ways to get to your heart
It reaches way down deep and tears you inside out
Till you're torn apart
Love!
GINNY AND HARRY:
How can you get through these days
Where strangers, best friends, family members
These days keep getting gray
HERMIONE & RON:
What binds friendship together
HARRY:
When the death, haunting us all day
Keep slipping away
RON:
Draw a line in the sand
And then make a stand
HERMIONE:
Use your wand to spar
GINNY:
You will get far
HARRY:
When they act tough - you call their bluff
HERMIONE & RON:
We are gonna get through
GINNY AND HARRY:
We are gonna get through
ALL:
We are gonna get through
This school year
Next school year
This school year!
Life Life Life Life Life
We're gonna get through life!
HARRY & HERMIONE:
We only have one life!
A filk by ewe2 to the tune of In My Life by the Beatles
HERMIONE:
There's a boy named Ron I favour
In my heart, i do despair
There are times I almost waver
For his head it seems is filled with air
Why are boys so uniformly stupid?
And why do I do his homework for him?
He never stops explaining Quidditch to me
In my heart, I'm sweet on him.
But of all the boys at Hogwarts
There is noone else, I should be glad
Though my girlfriends show me pity
I hear murmurs of "she must be mad!"
Though I know I'll never understand him
His fondness for things I quite despise
I know I cannot help myself around him
In my heart, I know he tries
pause for clever keyboard solo by willing pixie
Yes he's got a thing for wizard chess and dungbombs,
He never listens (ha), I make it known
I'm sure one day he'll have to do his homework
In my heart, I love him so
In my-y-y heart, I love him sooooo....
A filk by Nelsongirl to the tune of All I Ask of You from Lloyd Webber's Phantom of the Opera
This filk is about some of the ships that I like from HBP. Enjoy!
RON:
When we started Hogwarts
She was such a nightmare
All she did was read books
And shoot us nasty looks
HERMIONE:
Ronald was so selfish
He made us lose House points
But then the troll we fought
Friendship was the result
RON:
Every time Hermione talked of Vicky
I would explode with jealousy
HERMIONE:
Ron would gape at Fleur like a true madman
Why did he not look that way at me?
BOTH:
If only he'd/she'd like me
GINNY:
When I first saw Harry
I started liking him
I tried every convention
To get Harry's attention
HARRY:
Ginny was a good friend
But I was into Cho
And Ginny was always there for me
While Cho would just ignore me
GINNY:
Harry dated Cho in his fifth year
So I started dating Michael C.
HARRY:
Now my crush on Cho has disappeared
And I realized that I like Ginny
BOTH:
If only he'd/she'd like me
JAMES:
I knew all along I'd be with Evans
MOLLY:
Arthur and I are such a match
REMUS:
Being with Tonks feels like I'm up in heaven
UMBRIDGE:
And Argus sure is a good catch
FOUR LAST COUPLES:
I'm so glad he/she loves me
Musical interlude during which all of the couples in this filk embrace and kiss.
ALL:
My love has made me so happy
I'm so glad he/she loves me!
A filk by iTickleSleepingDragons to the tune of Moody Blues' Night in White Satin
Was I the only one who was really really frustrated that R&H still haven't gotten together? No, hugging and crying in the last chapter does NOT count!!!
Slow-moving canon
Never gives them a chance
Ron and Hermione
Still don't have their romance
Though they snogged others
It's clear who they adore
Make your move soon, Ron
There's just one book more
For us shippers
Yes we're shippers
Oh, so many shippers!
Gazing at fanfic
Some rated R
Cuz nerdy Hermione
Acts like a porn star
Jo, please don't think that
Their works I condone
But I must read their romance
Cuz you won't write your own
For us shippers
Yes we're shippers
Oh, so may shippers
Slow-moving canon
Never gives them a chance
Ron and Hermione
Still don't have their romance
Though they snogged others
It's clear who they adore
Make your move soon, Ron
There's just one book more
For us shippers
Yes we're shippers
A filk by R.J. Lupin to the tune of Beautiful Day by U2
This filk was inspired from the interview with JKR by Emerson of Mugglenet and Melissa of The Leaky Cauldron when they talked about the shipping in HBP, and Emerson declared that Harry/Hermione Pumpkin Pie shippers (called 'Harmonians' on Mugglenet) were "delusional." Well, this filk just kind of found its way into my head. I want to say to the H/Hr shippers right now that I'm not trying to be offensive or anything, because I enjoy a good Pumpkin Pie fanfic, though I'm a R/Hr shipper at heart, and have nothing against the pairing. I also want to apologize to Emerson for making a filk where he bursts into song, because I know that if he somehow ever reads this, he's going to think I'm a strange lunatic. Sorry! I love you, Pumpkin Pie shippers and Emerson. And now... to the filk.
SCENE: After leaving the interview with JKR and going to update his website, Emerson gleefully bursts into song about how JKR (and he himself) bashed the Pumpkin Pie shippers (with the other staffers providing some backups)
EMERSON:
The ships are alive
And Potter's fandom's aware
Shippers thrive
On moments of their fave pair
We had to know
Just to who Harry's love would show
Might it be Ginny
Or his best friend Hermione
The sixth book came around
An' so many ships went down
We cry, some brutally died
Like the Pumpkin Pie
They were delusional!
What were they thinking?
They were delusional
An' now their ship's sinking
Harry can feel
That his love for Ginny is real
Pumpkin Pie squeals
His love for Herm will be revealed
An' they're pressing on
Hermione can't be with Ron
They say the book's wrong
But other ships get along
Well, they're delusional!
Long live the Orange Crush
'Cause they're delusional
Ooh...
Pumpkins
Are only decoration
Orange Crush
Gives off that grand love sensation
Harry and Herm are just friends
That is how their story will end
Harry and Gin, like James and Lil
Repeat history as a cute couple
Ron Weasley and Hermi'ne
All their ship hints I could see, but
Pumpkin Pie is still raging a war
That Hermione deserves Harry more
No
No
You're all so delusional!
Those hints were like anvils
Delusional!
It's true
Now your ship has been well beat
Time to
Willingly accept your defeat
And too bad, this is J.K.R.'s book
So you can't tell her what pairs to hook
It's confirmed, I think it's time you took
A better look
You're all delusional!
A filk by Randy Estes to the tune of California Dreamin' by the Mamas and the Papas
Ron, Harry, and Ginny have had a few too many at the Hogs Head, and they are now brave enough to attempt to sing along with the Karioke machine that someone brought in that evening. Hermione is trying to make them come back to the table where they were sitting, but she does not succeed. Ron walks up to the microphone on the Hogs Head stage with Ginny and Harry doing dance moves behind him, and he begins to sing.
All the kids went out
And the sky was grey
We went for a beer
On a winter's day
We'd be safe and warm
In Madam Roserta's Place
Hermione caught me dreamin'
Looking Rosmerta's way !
.....Hermione is laughing, blushing, and trying to hide her face behind a menu. Harry laughs out loud and grabs the microphone away from Ron and starts to sing.
Ron's sister caught my eye (Ginny caught his eye)
At Quidditch the other day (Just the other day)
You know, she flew between the trees (Flew between the trees)
Boy that girl can play! (That girl can play)
Hermione saw us laughing (Hermione saw us laughing)
She didn't have to say (Didn't have to say)
Hermione caught me dreamin' (Hermione caught me dreamin')
While looking Ginny's way!
.....Ginny kisses Harry hard on the lips and grabs the (uh, er) microphone away from Harry.
When Harry was around (Harry was around)
I was afraid to say (She was afraid to say)
But as I got older (She got a little older)
I hoped he'd look my way (He'd look her way)
If I didn't kiss him (if she didn't kiss him)
I'd still be sad today (Be sad today)
Hermione caught us dreamin' (Hermione caught us dreamin')
And we're in love today (Hermione caught us dreamin')
....Hermione is pushed onto the stage by Ron to the cheers of the Hog's Head crowd. Ginny shoves the mircophone in her hands, and Ron puts his arm around her as she starts to sing.
At first we always fought ( We always fought)
But now its okay (Now its okay)
I thought he needed help (Thought he needed help)
With his Quidditch play (His Quidditch play)
Then he finally grew up (Gawd, he finally grew up!)
And started lookin' my way ( And he looked her way!)
Ronny caught me dreamin' (Ronny caught me dreamin')
Now everything's okay (Ronny caught me dreamin')
Now everything's okay!!!
Ron grabs Hermione and dips her while planting a long wet kiss on her lips to the cheers of the crowd. Ginny and Harry do the same, and then all four wander back to their table to a standing ovation.
A filk by Pippin to the tune of My Sharona, by The Knack
Canon note: Ginny's full name is given as Ginevra on Jo's website.
HARRY:
Ooh you won the Quidditch Cup, Quidditch Cup,
Never even knew you could fly, Ginevra
Ooh you get my broomstick up, my broomstick up,
Thought you were supposed to be shy, Ginevra
Never gonna stop, won't shut up, not normally,
She's the one that Jo made, Jo made just for me,
My! my! my! i yi woo, M M M My! Ginevra....
Hangin' with the basilisk, oh such a risk,
Where'd you learn to tell all those lies, Ginevra?
Making you a mystery, the diary
Thought that you would be my demise, Ginevra
Knew I'd never stop, give it up, such an evil mind
Riddle took you down in the chamber of secret kind
My! my! my! i yi woo, M M M My! Ginevra....
Are you gonna be with me, be with me?
Is it just a matter of time, Ginevra?
Are you my destiny, destiny?
Or are you just a partner in crime, Ginevra?
Gotta metaphor in my chest, it's an awful pest,
Wish that Jo would give it up, it deserves a rest,
My! my! my! i yi woo, M M M My! Ginevra...
A filk by Nimbus1944 to the tune of You're The One I Want by John Ferrar (from the musical Grease
HERMIONE:
I have tried
To awake him;
All I know is from books.
But so far,
He forsakes me,
Oh, I can't get his looks!
LAVENDER:
I gotta shake butt
Just to get his eye,
Or I'd pine away and die!
I gotta shake butt
And he comes my way,
And he'll dream of me and sigh!
HERMIONE:
Is that so?
LAVENDER:
He'll be in my arms today!
TOGETHER:
He's the wizard I want,
He's the wizard I want -- Ronald Weasley!
He's the wizard I want,
He's the wizard I want -- Ronald, tease me!
He's the wizard I want,
He's the wizard I want -- love me easily!
You're my man;
Oh, yes, we can!
HERMIONE:
I will learn
How to praise him
And amaze him with sense.
I will learn
How to charm him
And disarm his defence.
LAVENDER:
I gotta lock lips
And he'll wrap his arms
And envelop me in love.
I gotta lock lips
And he'll hang with me,
I'm a hawk, you little dove!
HERMIONE:
Want to bet?
LAVENDER:
Yeah, he'll be mine yet!
TOGETHER:
He's the wizard I want,
He's the wizard I want -- Ronald Weasley!
He's the wizard I want,
He's the wizard I want -- Ronald, please me!
He's the wizard I want,
He's the wizard I want -- hold me, squeeze me!
You're my man;
Oh, yes, we can!
A filk by Pippin to the tune of Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend
Predicting that at least one ship will hit the rocks in DH
ENTER Fleur, Tonks, the former Mrs. Zabini and Hermione
FLEUR and TONKS:
A slap in the face may be quite temperamental
But hexes are a girl's best friend
Good looks have their place but they're just incidental
When a man's a beast, he only wants to have a feast
Potions stale and love charms fail
And a cad is a cad in the end
But when things go pear-shaped
A wand beats a were-shape
Hexes are a girl's best friend
(The FORMER MRS. ZABINI)
There may come a time when a wizard adores you
But hexes are girl's best friend
You may feel inclined to do all he implores you
But get your price, and no more nice
Get his gold, and leave him cold
For there's more where he came from, girlfriend
A life of bereavement can be an achievement
Hexes are a girl's best friend
(HERMIONE )
When Ronald B Weasley is making me queasy
Hexes are a girls best friend
I'll give him the birds if he makes me uneasy
With that Lavender, I've had enough of her
If he's true, then I'll be too and we'll live happily to The End
But don't mess with witches
Cause we can be ... vicious
Hexes, hexes!
Not to be sexist
But hexes are a girl's best friend