Draco Malfoy and Slytherin

Draco Malfoy, the Amazing Showjumping Ferret

Based on Odelay by Beck

Image © 2005 Red Scharlach

*=Post-OOP
**=Post-HBP
***=Post-DH

Copyright 2001-2005 by Cauis Marcius, except The Ballad of Draco Malfoy and Let's Hold the Fanfic Off Copyright 2001, 2005 by Pippin; Slytherin Strut Copyright 2002 by Mariner; You Don't Impress Me Much Copyright 2002 by GiNnY; Slytherins Copyright 2002 by MagicPoni; Duelin', Pretty Fly (For The Bad Guy) and Slytherin Paradise Copyright 2002 by Annie Llewellyn; Gee, Auror Moody Copyright 2002 by bluemeanies; Slytherin Boy Copyright 2002 by Elizabeth Spinner; Rich Death Eater's Son Copyright 2002 by Lilac; Too Little Too Late Copyright 2002 by V-Star; Hating Potter, I Like Being Slytherin and Slytherin Evil Copyright 2002-2003 by Gail; A Letter Home Copyright 2002 by DangerMouse; Draco Malfoy Copyright 2003 by Ravenclaw Chaser; Draco's Hairbrush Song Copyright 2003 by Slytherincess; Matchmaker Copyright 2003 by Terra; Slytherin Girl Copyright 2003 by Josh Riddle; What We Own (Is You) Copyright 2002 by Amity; Crap, Crabbe Copyright 2003 by Constance Vigilance; Ah Gee, JK Rowling Copyright 2003 by Salazar; The Draco Malfoy Song Copyright 2004 by R.J. Lupin; Mudbloods Copyright 2004 by The Heiress of Slytherin; I'm Gonna Be the Second Lord and Not in the Middle Copyright 2004, 2009 by The Final Stillness of Saturn; Be Prepared and Slytherin Rhapsody Copyright 2005 by Fyre; Mr Zabini, the Hogwarts Latin Lover, Numb and Out of My Way Copyright 2005, 2006 by Alessandra C.; The Green-and-White Flag & The House of White and Green Copyright 2006 by Eric Oppen; Draco's Lament Copyright 2006 by Sarasusamiga; Crabbe and Goyle Copyright 2008 by Snape's Mistress; Just You Wait, Harry Potter Copyright 2009 by Selkie

A filk by Annie Llewellyn to the tune of Gangsta's Paradise by Coolio

Enter SNAPE, DRACO & MARCUS FLINT

SNAPE:
As I walk through the hallway with the greatest of ease
I take a look at students and see I'm a disease
But that's just perfect for Slytherins like me
You know we shun stupid things like Muggle-icity
At twelve thirty in the morning I'm feeling bored
Crabbe is still real smelly and Goyle snores
And I've been sneering and brooding so long that
Even Adrian thinks that my mind is gone
I'm head of Potions, I'm into discipline
Got a wand in my hand and Dark Mark on my skin
So if I finish all my grading and getting real mad
Then I'm gonna show Gryffindor the new meaning of "bad"!

ALL:
We've been spending most our lives
Livin' in Slytherin Paradise
I've flunked Neville once or twice
Livin' in Slytherin Paradise
We're all colder than ice
Livin' in Slytherin Paradise
To cross us comes with a price
Livin' in Slytherin Paradise

DRACO:
The Potter kid beat me in Quidditch last match
I just sneer at him, and another reply I will hatch
Hey I really don't worry, I've got it under control
Personality test, they'd say black is my soul

But I have never punched a Gryffindor even if I could
There's no point in bothering, none of them are good
Never wear jeans but I got a cool cloak
You just know I will never be a kind-to-Muggle folk

The Slytherin common room is a neat place to be
And of course we don't use Muggle electricity
But we think Mudbloods should be kicked out of school
And I know that we are all really cool.

There's no phone, the lights are torches
But we think it's great to be
A Slytherin, cause you know
We're better than the other three

ALL:
We've been spending most our lives
Livin' in Slytherin paradise
Crabbe and Goyle are backup guys
Livin' in Slytherin paradise
You know that I won't give bad advice
Livin' in Slytherin paradise
And you know I just don't play nice
Livin in Slytherin paradise

FLINT:
Trainin' up the Beaters,
Enchanting all the Bludgers,
Soupin' up the Snitches
Hangin' with my brothers

Think you're really good?
Think you'll beat me?
Well, I know that we've got the skill
As bad as we can be

I'm Quidditch Captain
The Gryffindors
Think they're all so great
But they're a bunch of bores

So don't try to win
Don't try to fight
Cause whatever you do
We'll always be right!

ALL:
We've been spending most our lives
Livin' in Slytherin Paradise
When we win it's always nice
Livin' in Slytherin Paradise
And if we lose, we'll play twice
Livin' in Slytherin Paradise
My favorite group's Vanilla Ice
Livin' in Slytherin Paradise

A filk by Amity to the tune of What You Own from the musical Rent, song and dance done by Slytherins

DRACO
Don't Breathe Too Deep

Slytherins in the background all hold their breath

Don't Think All Day

Pan to Crabbe and Goyle looking stupid as usual

Dive Into Blood

Pan to pool of red liquid and someone standing on a diving board with scuba mask on

Drive Into a Steer

Snape pretends to drive and a cow walks up to him, he is surprised

That Drip Of Hurt

Focus on Draco

That Pint Of Shame
Keeps coming back
Just Play with knives

Draco pulls the Gryffindor sword from his pocket

ALL SLYTHERIN'S
We're killing In Great Britain

Wands out

At the end of Voldemort's reign

Big picture of Voldemort comes down like a curtain in back of them

We're killing in Great Britain
Don't leave your wand at home

One of the Slytherins makes an "oops" gesture with empty hands extended

And When we're killing in Great Britain

Focus again on Draco

At The End of Voldemort's reign
You're what we own

They all point

DRACO
The planmaker cannot heal

Draco steps forward

TOM RIDDLE
And The songwriter isn't here

Tom is next to him

DRACO
Yet I See Hermione Everywhere

Hermoine walks across stage and glares at Draco, he flinches remembering the slap from 3rd year

TOM
The Devil's Voice Is In My Ear

Cups his ear

DRACO
Just Tighten Those Shoulders

Pulls shoulders back and stands like a soldier

TOM
Just Clench Your Jaw Til You sneer

Draco comes into the frame sneering by Tom's shoulder

DRACO
Just please let go

Draco takes his hands off Tom's arm

TOM
Or we'll make you drown

Pretends to ring Draco's neck while Draco's face turns blue

ALL SLYTHERINS
We're killing in Great Britain

The Slytherins all blast curses at each other while trying to sing

At The End Of Voldemort's reign
We're killing in Great Britain
Where It's really the Twilight Zone

Confusion

And When we're killing in Great Britain
At The End Of Voldemort's reign
You're what we own

Tom has Oliver Wood (a Gryffindor) in handcuffs

DRACO AND TOM
So I Own Not An ocean

The floor opens up and water laps at their feet

I Escape from Az-kaban

Tom holds up a barred window sans wall

I Don't Own Emotion - I own Harry...

Draco is seen stringing up an effigy of Harry Potter

DRACO
What Was It About That Night

Tom and Draco stand next to each other with hands under their chins trying to look like choir boys with haloes over their heads that shatter and turn into horns

TOM
What Was It About That Night?

DRACO AND TOM
When Voldemort came to me?

DRACO
For Once-The Shadows Gave Way To Night

TOM
For Once The Shadows Gave Way To Night

DRACO AND TOM
For Once I didn't disobey

DRACO
Father- I Hear You- I hear it
I See It- I See It
My dream!

Lucius flits through frame

TOM
My future- I See You- I See It
I Hear It- I Hear It
This song!!

Tom glugs down a potion

DRACO
Father - Draco

Draco holds a phone to his face

Call Me a muggle-lover
I Need TO Finish My
Own crime
I Quit!

there's a beep and Draco throws phone realizing the answering machine hadn't recorded his message

TOM
One Song for glory
Wormtail
Your hand!

Tom holds up a bloody hand

CHORUS OF SLYTHERINS
Killing in Great Britain

Slytherins push Snape around

At The End of Voldemort's reign
We're killing in Great Britain
To become Death Eaters

Someone walks across frame wearing a black cloak and mask

And When we're killing in Great Britain
At The End of Voldemort's reign
You shouldn't be alone

all the Slytherin's run together

I'm out to get you ooo ooo

They all sneer

I'm out to get you ooo

dadadada

Voldemort curtain falls down in a heap and all Slytherins run except Snape who is still clapping and dancing and doesn't realize they're gone

A filk by Elizabeth Spinner based on Avril Lavigne's Skater Boy, it's now about a Gryffindor girl who dumped a Slytherin boy...and realized her mistake too late.

He was a boy
She was a girl
Can I make it any more obvious?
She was a witch
He chased the Snitch
He's into Quidditch.
He wanted her
She'd never tell
Secretly she wanted him as well.
Her Gryffindor friends
Stuck up their nose
And they had a problem with his baggy robes.

He was a Slytherin
And 'cause of the House he's in
He wasn't good enough for her
She was in Gryffindor
She even knew Dumbledore
She needed to come back down to Earth.

Five years from now
She sits at home
Reading The Daily Prophet alone.
She looks on page three
Guess who she sees?
Slytherin's on a pro Quidditch team.
She calls up her friends
They went yesterday
And they've all got tickets to see him play.
She apparates
But stands in the crowd
Looks up at the man that she turned down.

He was a Slytherin
And 'cause of the House he's in
He wasn't good enough for her
Now he's a superstar
A Woolongong Warrior
Soaring so high above the Earth.

He was a Slytherin
And 'cause of the House he's in
He wasn't good enough for her
Now he's a superstar
A Woolongong Warrior
Does your pretty face see what he's worth?

Sorry girl but you missed out
"Gryffindor" don't mean much now
We are more than just good friends
This is how the story ends.

Too bad that you couldn't see
See the man that boy could be
There is more to Slytherins
I see the soul that is within.

He's just a boy
And I'm just a girl
Can I make it any more obvious?
We are in love
Haven't you heard?
How we rock each other's world

I'm with the Slytherin
I said see ya when you win
I'll be outside after the game
Cheering his victory
Wishing that you could see
The Gryffindor he used to know

I'm with the Slytherin
I said see ya when you win
I'll be outside after the game
Cheering his victory
Wishing that you could see
The Gryffindor he used to know

A non-Canon filk by Josh Riddle of Madonna's Material Girl

Some boys tease me, some boys taunt me
I think they're so gay
If they don't give me front-row class seats
I blast them away

Dean can beg and he can plead but
I won't stay up all night, that's right
'Cause the boy with all the galleons
Is always Mister Right, 'cause we are
Living in a m-m-magical world
And I should be a Slytherin girl
You know that we are living in a m-m-magical world
And I should be a Slytherin girl

There's no romance, Ron can't slow dance
That's all right with me
Fred and George should go away and
Try to take out Lee
Neville cries and Harry lies but
They won't hear me say:
"Only boys who look like Draco
Make my rainy day," 'cause we are
Living in a m-m-magical world
And I should be a Slytherin girl
You know that we are living in a m-m-magical world
And I should be a Slytherin girl

Living in a magical world (magical)
Living in a magical world
Living in a magical world (magical)
Living in a magical world

Draco comes and then he goes and
That's all right you see
Polyjuice has made my chest big
Now he's after me, 'cause everybody's
Living in a m-m-magical world
And I should be a Slytherin girl
You know that we are living in a magical world
And I should be a Slytherin girl

A filk by Ravenclaw Chaser to the tune of Sk8er Boi by Avril Lavigne

NOTE: This is the cry of a person who has read one too many "Draco is HOTT!" posts and is sick of her friends' little sisters squealing over the little slime ball. If this filk sounds bitter, then I have done my job.

He's just a boy
And all of the girls
Say that it's so obvious
"Draco's a babe,
A luscious HOT-TAY!
What more can I say?"
To me, he's a punk
Gosh he's so mean
The cliché of the Slytherin scene
Throws taunts at Harry
"The Dark Lord is back"
Dang, his head needs a whack

He's Draco Malfoy
The Slytherin daddy's boy
Kicks around the house-elf
Doesn't have to clean his room
Pop will buy him a broom
He's only in it for himself

This little brat
Thinks he's so great
He's the pet of Professor Snape
Does that tell you much?
Oh, maybe not
(Some even think that Snape is hot)
I don't think that
He's number one
More like number one scum
It's "My father that"
And "My father this"
With the hint of a Serpent's hiss

So Draco Malfoy
Has all of the toys
Why the heck do I care?
Harry's the superstar
Power to the lightning scar And down with Slytherin's heir

It's Draco Malfoy
He lives to annoy
Hermione had it just right
Hit him across the face
Put the jerk in his place
In response to Buckbeak's plight

Instrumental

All the girls can squeal and drool
Over the real git of Hogwarts School
I'll take my Gryffindor Pride
It's the with heroes that I side
They may not have all the looks
But do they ever really cook
When it comes down to the end
They beat all of Slytherin

Harry and Ron
And Hermione too
I'm making it really obvious
They kick tail
We've all heard
How they rock the wizard world

Eat slugs, Malfoy!
You Slytherin daddy's boy
Take your broom and shove it
In the next Quidditch race
You'll fall flat on your face
And, gosh how I'll love it!

Well, Draco Malfoy
That Slytherin daddy's boy
Can think that he's such a stud
The real heroes of the story
Live in Lion-hearted glory
And don't need to be pureblood

A filk by Lilac to the tune of Blister in the Sun by the Violent Femmes

THE SCENE: (COS) Malfoy, with Crabbe and Goyle walking behind him, is strutting around the dungeons on his way to the Slytherin common room, acting like he owns the school. Malfoy is the lead singer (of course), Crabbe is on guitar, and Goyle is on the snare drum, which is strapped around his thick neck like he's a drummer in a marching band.

MALFOY:
When I'm a walking,
I strut my stuff
'Round these dungeon halls.
Girls on the stairs
Can't help but stare
'Cause I say with a drawl,

"Check me out, ladies!
I'm a rich Death Eater's son.
Check me out, ladies!
I'm one cool Slytherin."

Since I was one,
Dark Lord's been gone
But Dad's still a D.E.
Helps that we had
Such a nice pad and
Vaults with lots of money.

Outta my way,
I'm a rich Death Eater's son
Outta my way
Pure-bloods this school will run!

Musical interlude...Malfoy smirks at all of the Slytherin girls, making each of them swoon. Crabbe and Goyle get a chance to show off their musical "talent" -- the term "talent" being used loosely here -- on their respective instruments.

(Quietly singing to just Crabbe and Goyle)
Those stupid twins
Say with big grins
Potter's Slytherin's heir.
That's so untrue!
Wish that I knew
Who is really the heir.

(A little quieter)
Dad said to stay
out of his way,
Keep my bloody mouth shut.
But if I knew him,
Then I could help him
Get rid of wizard mutts.

(Whispering)
School's full of danger;
Hope that it's Granger
Next in line to get stoned.
Tut! What a shame
To see her name
Etched upon a tombstone!

They arrive at the common room door. Not wanting to wait behind the crowd of Slytherins slowly shuffling in, Malfoy shouts loudly...

Outta my way,
I'm a rich Death Eater's son!
Outta my way,
I'm one cool Slytherin!

Everyone moves to let them through first. Crabbe and Goyle continue to play while Malfoy struts his stuff for all he's worth all the way up to the Boys' 2nd year dorm room

A filk by Annie Llewellyn to the tune of Pretty Fly (For A White Guy) by Offspring

CHORUS OF SLYTHRERINS:
(Draco is a hottie) Uh Huh, Uh Huh!
(Draco is a hottie) Uh Huh, Uh Huh!
(Draco is a hottie) Uh Huh, Uh Huh!

And all the witches say I'm pretty fly for the bad guy

(Win-gar-di-i-um Lev-i-o-sah!)
You know it's kinda hard just to catch the Snitch today?
He's got skill but Harry just snatches it away.
Walks around with a stupid scar on his head,
Thanks a lot Potter, now his father's boss has fled!

So don't be cruel, he's not a fool,
Draco is the hottest guy in school.
Yo Slytherin, it's the house he's in.
Playing Quidditch, playing Quidditch!
With that big bad broom
Through the sky he'll zoom
With him the Quidditch team will try to win

Take out your wand and robes and
Hey Hey! Do that magic thing!

(Draco is a hottie) Uh Huh, Uh Huh!
(Draco is a hottie) Uh Huh, Uh Huh!
(Draco is a hottie) Uh Huh, Uh Huh!

And all the witches say I'm pretty fly (for the bad guy!)
Well, some of you argue that he's really mean,
Have you heard the situations he's been in?
Harry's got this idea of stardom with his friends,
That Weasel and Mudblood are gonna find sticky ends!

So don't be cruel, he's not a fool,
Draco is the hottest guy in school.
Yo Slytherin, it's the house he's in.
Playing Quidditch, playing Quidditch!
With that big bad broom
Through the sky he'll zoom
With him the Quidditch team will try to win

Take out your wand and robes and
Hey Hey! Do that magic thing!

Now he's going to Potions, he's going to class,
That stupid Longbottom is never gonna pass.
Snape is the teacher, never picks on him
Even though Crabbe and Goyle are um, pretty dim!

(Draco is a hottie) Uh Huh, Uh Huh!
(Draco is a hottie) Uh Huh, Uh Huh!
(Draco is a hottie) Uh Huh, Uh Huh!

Win-gar-di-i-um Lev-i-o-sah!

So don't be cruel, he's not a fool,
Draco is the hottest guy in school.
Yo Slytherin, it's the house he's in.
Playing Quidditch, playing Quidditch!
With that big bad broom
Through the sky he'll zoom
With him the Quidditch team will try to win

Take out your wand and robes and
Get out your books and broom and
Bring out your ink and quills and
Hey Hey! Do that magic thing!

To the tune of The Banana Boat Song (Day-O) as sung by Harry Belafonte.

THE SCENE: Slytherin Commom Room. Enter VINCENT CRABBE AND GREGORY GOYLE

CRABBE: Draco! Draco!
Draco, come, make Harry go home
Dra! Give me Dra, give me Dra, give me Dra, give me Draco!
CRABBE & GOLYE: Draco, come, make Harry go home

Enter DRACO MALFOY

DRACO M: Ever since initial day of his arrival
C & G: Draco, come, make Harry go home
DM: Harry Potter been my chief arch-rival
C & G: Draco, come, make Harry go home
DM: He could of joined with Slytherin to try to please me
C & G: Draco, come, make Harry go home
DM: Instead, he rather chum around with tribe of Weasleys
C & G: Draco, come, make Harry go home

DM: Harry get himself a broomstick, thought he could play Quidditch
C & G: Draco, come, make Harry go home
DM: We all know that he can not, but he always grab the Gold Snitch
C & G: Draco, come, make Harry go home

ALL: We're six games seven games eight games down, huh!
C & G: Draco, come, make Harry go home
ALL: It's time once more to don Dementor gown, huh!
C & G: Draco, come, make Harry go home
DM: Harry is bad, make us lose our elf
C & G: Draco, come, make Harry go home
DM: Poor Mom has to clean the house herself
C & G: Draco, come, make Harry go home
DM: Harry quite insulting, he can't get worse, see?
C & G: Draco, come, make Harry go home
DM: He tell people I'm another Dudley Dursely.
C & G: Draco, come, make Harry go home

C & G: Dra! Give me Dra, give me Dra, give me Dra, give me Draco!
ALL: Dirty Harry, go ahead and make our Day-O!

NOTE:The final line doesn't scan, but I couldn't resist

To the tune of Three Little Maids from Gilbert & Sullivan's The Mikado

THE SCENE: The Great Hall. Enter DRACO MALFOY, VINCENT CRABBE and GREGORY GOYLE

ALL: Three little thugs from school are we
We'll break the caps of both your knees
Through magical delinquency
Three little thugs from school

CRABBE: We're forming tight little male bonds
GOYLE: Nobody's safe when we have our wands
MALFOY: I'm the most gorgeous 'cause I'm blonde
ALL: Cute little thugs from school

Three little thugs who quite contrary
Meaner than Curly, Moe and Larry
Make it their mission to harass Harry
Three little thugs from school

CRABBE: One little thug just slithered in
CRABBE & GOYLE: Two thugs ask where the third one's been
MALFOY: Executing a cardinal sin
ALL: Three little thugs from school

MALFOY: When three little thugs master Dark Arts
CRABBE: Gryffindor will not feel so smart
GOYLE: After we've torn them all apart
ALL: Three little thugs from school…….

Three little thugs by the name of Goyle
Vince Crabbe and Draco Malfoy'll
Do what they can to make Mudblood boil
Three little thugs from school
Three little thugs who rule!

Enter, from several directions, Fred, George, Ron, Hermione and Harry, who simultaneously hex them. After several minutes, exit MALFOY, CRABBE & GOYLE, very very very slowly to Pomfrey's

To the tune of Tomorrow Belongs to Me from Kander and Ebb's Cabaret

The Scene: The Malfoy Estate. Enter DRACO

DRACO
The breath of the Nundu is bracing and sweet
The troll in the forest runs free.
So gather together the New Elite
Book Seven belongs to me.

The toads are now nesting on their chicken eggs
The Streelers now streak toward the sea
The Doxies are stretching their extra legs
Book Seven belongs to me.

The Moke has arrived, but I can't see him now
The Tebos chase the Occamy
And soon every Mudblood will have a cow
Book Seven belongs to……

VOLDEMORT (softly)
…………………………………………………..Me….

Act 4, Scene 1. A cavern. In the middle, a boiling cauldron.

Thunder. Lightning. Global Warming. Enter the three Slytherins

MALFOY
Thrice the Bulstrode cat hath mew'd.

CRABBE
Thrice and once has Hedwig dined.

GOYLE
Salazar cries 'Tis time, 'tis time.

CRABBE
Crabbe plus Goyle then Draco
Now about the cauldron throw
Book unread by Hermy-own,
DVD of Sorcerer's Stone,
Missing toe of Scabbers Rat
Boil thou first in Slytherin's vat.

ALL
Dabble, dabble, Goyle and Crab'll
Fires burn as psychos babble.

GOYLE
Cage of Little Whinging snake,
In the cauldron boil and bake;
Test of NEWTS and Wart of Hog,
Flea from Animagic dog,
Spell-o-tape and Bertie's Beans
Prefect's badge, Canary Creams
For a curse increasingly grimmer
In this hell-broth broil and simmer

ALL
Dribble, dribble, quibble with Sibyll
Harry's troubles ain't with Tribbles.

MALFOY
In our potion next I splash
Leather slacks I wore in Slash,
Milkbone on which Fluffy chews
Fanfic starring Mary Sue
Choc'late bar of Remus Lupin
Winky's bowl that she slurps soup in
Discarded scene from Chamber's script
Rumored Ron & Hermy ship
Old PlayStation smashed by Dudley
Critter that Hagrid thinks cuddly
Snitch that scored in Chudley win
Piece of Viktor Krum sharkfin
Riddle's message Ginny scrawled on
For the ingredients of our cauldron.

ALL
Neville, Devil's revels, and Trevor;
Clever three forge this endeavor.

GOYLE
Pound it with Mudblood's ID
Then the charm will be tidy.

MALFOY (exultantly)
By the succumbing of this prick,
I've perfected Dark Magic!

Exeunt omnes

A filk by Annie Llewellyn to the tune of Rollin' by Limp Bizkit

DRACO: All right, Potter. Let's start duelin', Scarhead...you know what time it is...

(Put your wand up...
Put your, put your wand up...
"Ladies and Gentlemen!"
Put your, put your wand up...
"Gryffindor versus Slytherin!"
Put your, put your wand up...
"Potter versus Malfoy!"
Put your wand up
Put your wand up!)

Wands up, now wands out
Heads up, now heads down
Back up, back up
Tell me, what you gonna do now?
Breathe in, now breathe out
Curse up, now jinx down
Back up, back up
Tell me, what you gonna do now?
Keep duelin' duelin' duelin' duelin' (what?)
Keep duelin' duelin' duelin' duelin' (c'mon)
Keep duelin' duelin' duelin' duelin' (yeah)
Keep duelin' duelin' duelin' duelin'

Now I know you be lovin' this pride right here
D-R-A-Co Malfoy is right here
People in my house, put your hands in the air
And if you don't care, then I don't care (yeah)
Ex-Pel-I-armus, one two three!
Tantellegra? Do you know you're battling ME?
So what, your trying to hex up?
Getting my legs up?
I'm just gettin' set up
Ready for you to mess up!

(put your, put your wand up...
put your, put your wand up...
put your wand up,
put your wand up!)

Wands up, now wands out
Heads up, now heads down
Back up, back up
Tell me, what you gonna do now?
Breathe in, now breathe out
Curse up, now jinx down
Back up, back up
Tell me, what you gonna do now?
Keep duelin' duelin' duelin' duelin' (what?)
Keep duelin' duelin' duelin' duelin' (c'mon)
Keep duelin' duelin' duelin' duelin' (yeah)
Keep duelin' duelin' duelin' duelin'

You wanna mess with the Malfoy?
(Yeah)
You can't mess with the Malfoy!
(Why?)
Because I get it on
(When?)
Every day and every night
(Oh.)
And this domination thing right here?
(Uh huh.)
I'm doing it all the time
(Huh.)
So you better get some better friends
And, uh, get some better lines.
(Hey!)
I got this battle crashed, so don't try to flash
Twenty-four seven, never befriending wizard trash
I'm an canon char gettin' all the lovin'
That rocks you and your heritage of nothin'

(put your, put your wand up...
put your, put your wand up...
put your wand up,
put your wand up!)

Wands up, now wands out
Heads up, now heads down
Back up, back up
Tell me, what you gonna do now?
Breathe in, now breathe out
Curse up, now jinx down
Back up, back up
Tell me, what you gonna do now?
Keep duelin' duelin' duelin' duelin' (what?)
Keep duelin' duelin' duelin' duelin' (c'mon)
Keep duelin' duelin' duelin' duelin' (yeah)
Keep duelin' duelin' duelin' duelin'

Hey Ladies! Where you at?
Hey Fellas! Where you at?
And the people that are the purebloods! Where you at?
All the lovers, where you at?
All the tragics, where you at?
And all the people that call themselves magic, where you at?
Crabbe, Goyle, where you at?
And Pansy, where you at?
And the people wishin' they could have me, where you at?
Hey ficcers, where you at?
Weird SHIPpers, where you at?
And everybody all around the world...

Wands up, now wands out
Heads up, now heads down
Back up, back up
Tell me, what you gonna do now?
Breathe in, now breathe out
Curse up, now jinx down
Back up, back up
Tell me, what you gonna do now?
Keep duelin' duelin' duelin' duelin' (yeah)
Keep duelin' duelin' duelin' duelin' (what?)
Keep duelin' duelin' duelin' duelin' (c'mon)
Keep duelin' duelin' duelin' duelin'
Wands up, now wands out
Heads up, now heads down
Back up, back up
Tell me, what you gonna do now?
Breathe in, now breathe out
Curse up, now jinx down
Back up, back up
Tell me, what you gonna do now?
Keep duelin' duelin' duelin' duelin' (what?)
Keep duelin' duelin' duelin' duelin' (c'mon)
Keep duelin' duelin' duelin' duelin' (yeah)
Keep duelin' duelin' duelin' duelin'

A filk by GiNnY to the tune of That Don't Impress Me Much by Shania Twain

Author's Note: My apologies to those who may suddenly have visions of Draco in a leopard print cloak with hood and exposed midriff. ;o) The Scenario: Draco Malfoy (with Crabbe and Goyle) meets Harry, Ron, and Hermione in the Hogwarts hallways and decides to make a musical encounter of it.

DRACO (to Hermione):
I've known a few gals who thought they were pretty smart.
But I admit you are the smartest at Hogwarts.
But are those your front teeth? Your hair is a puffball!
You're a Mudblood, you're a regular know-it-all.

Oh, you think you're special,
Oh, you think you're something else.

Okay. So you're the teachers' pet.

That don't impress me much.
So you've got the brains, but have you got the blood?
You may perfect the NEWTs, you can study all night.
But that won't matter when the Malfoy name wields its might.
You don't impress me much.

DRACO (to Ron):
I never knew a guy with less Galleons in his pocket,
And a second-hand robe that's all trimmed with lace.
You can belch out slimy slugs to fill a whole bucket.
You wish you had more money
Than the freckles on your face.

Oh, you think you're special.
Oh, you think you're something else.

Okay. So you're a Weasley.

That don't impress me much.
So you've got the name, but have you got the gold?
Your Mum works all day, but we have a house elf.
I think I'll lounge around while you clean your room yourself.
You don't impress me much.

instrumental

DRACO (to Harry):
You're one of those guys who almost equals my fame,
You've got a stash of gold at Gringotts
And you've got a good name.
Folks just adore you, but do you even recall why?
The Dark Lord will soon come. He'll get you by and by.

Oh, they think you're something special.
Oh, they think you're something else.

Okay. So you've got a scar.

That don't impress me much.
So you've got the fans, but have you got the love?
Now don't get me wrong, I'm not envious at all.
I am not an orphan and I have got it all.
You don't impress me much.

CRABBE & GOYLE:
Uh-uh, oh, no!

DRACO (to Harry again):
They think you're cool, but have you got my style?
You've got it wrong, you cannot win the fight.
I'll knock you off your broom, wiped... clean... out of sight.
You don't impress me much.

instrumental

Okay, so what do you think, you're Godric's heir or something?

more instrumental

You don't impress me!

DRACO smirks, and strides haughtily away from the trio.

A filk by V-Star to the song of the same name by the Barnaked Ladies

DRACO:
Potter, why does everything revolve around you?
Father, why does nothing that I do astound you?
I say Wonder boy is overrated
He will be destroyed this time

And it could be good,
And I would -
If my grandeur was understood
And it'll be great, just wait
Or is it too little too late?

One day, being transfigured will fade behind me
And that day I could think of things that won't remind me
That Moody has a bloody awful temper
And a passion for rodents

Gaining strength
Trying to learn pull his own weight
Voldemort will take over the world some day
Just wait

And it could be good,
And I would -
If my grandeur was understood
And it'll be great, just wait
Or is it too little too late?

Wonder boy,
Your scar serves as a remind
Voldemort won't be lenient this time
This time will be hell
Last time, you couldn't tell
Muggles won't fair well
Next time, hope I'm...

Not going to be good, but I would
And I would
If my grandeur was understood
And it'll be great, just wait
Or is it too little too late?
Good, and I would -
If I knew I was understood
And it'll be great, just wait -
Or is it too little too late?

To the tune of There's Always a Woman, a Sondheim song written for Anyone Can Whistle (but not included in the original show)

NOTE: The various verbal ping-pong sequences are spoken

THE SCENE: The Great Hall. Enter HARRY

HARRY:
There's always a Slyth'rin
Inducing destruction,
The pus in your mail
The smear in the press
There's always a Slyth'rin
Producing obstruction.
There's nothing as low as a Slyth'rin.
Let me stress

Enter from the opposite direction, DRACO, approaching HARRY with insincere and exaggerated politeness

DRACO: Join you?
HARRY: No way!
DRACO: How narrow.
HARRY: OK.
DRACO: My turn?
HARRY: Yours.

DRACO:
There's always a Slyth'rin,
The vaulting ambition.
The one who soars higher
Who masters each goal
The cauldron they can't melt,
Prestige and position!
There's nothing that glows as a Slyth'rin.
We control!

HARRY: That it?
DRACO: Sure.
HARRY: Leaving?
DRACO: Why not?
HARRY: Ta-ta.

DRACO makes as if to leave, then returns to HARRY's side

DRACO: I lied.

BOTH:
There's always a Slyth'rin,
Toward darkness inclined,

HARRY:
The troll in the toilet,

DRACO:
The planets aligned!

BOTH:
The cobbing in Qudditch
The feigned injury.
There's nothing as low/that glows as a Slyth'rin...
(each turning to the other and nodding) I agree.

HARRY: Git!
DRACO: Wuss!
HARRY: Dope!
DRACO: Trash!

HARRY:
The ferret who's fleeing
The snake in the chamber
The "Potter Stinks" badges
The muscly thugs
There's always a Slyth'rin.
Robed up like Dementors
There's nothing as low as a Slyth'rin.
Or as smug

DRACO: Dormiens....
HARRY: Draco....
DRACO: Longhorn?
HARRY: Horntail?
DRACO: Short-Snout?
HARRY: Fireball?
DRACO: Welsh Green?
HARRY Heb Black?
DRACO: Ridgeback?
HARRY: Norbert?
DRACO: Vipertooth?
HARRY: Opaleye?
DRACO: Titillandus….
HARRY: Nunquam
BOTH: Uh-huh

DRACO:
There's always a Slyth'rin,
With rules we can fiddle
Our lineage perfect,
Our heritage pure.
We reject the Mudblood
Unless he's a Riddle.
Whoever he is, he's a Slyth'rin.
That's for sure!

HARRY:
You'd…..

DRACO:
Know Who…..

BOTH:
It's always a Slyth'rin,

HARRY:
The jerk on the train

DRACO:
The fanfic redemption

HARRY:
The house-elf in chains

BOTH:
A Machiavelli
Who's tacky/natty as hell.
There's nothing as low/that glows as a Slyth'rin.
Name your spell!

DRACO: Disarming
HARRY: Charming
DRACO: Confusing
HARRY: Stunning.
DRACO: Freezing
HARRY: Hurling
BOTH: Extinguishing

HARRY & DRACO (Alternately):
Incendio's perfect-
Diffindo is perfect-
Let's set him on fire
Just see him perspire
Or just use a Bludger
I could loose a Bludger
Or something extreme.
What would Salazar scheme?
A charm that would kick well-
A curse does the trick well-
It'd be worth a wheeze.
I know two or three.
This moron's deficient-
My wand is sufficient
He won't hang around.
Right flat to the ground.
Whatever will do it,
Whatever will do it,
If any spell will.
If any spell will.

BOTH: There's nothing as low/that glows as a Slyth'rin.

DRACO: Moke.
HARRY: Snake
DRACO: Shrake.
HARRY: Fake
DRACO: Dork.
HARRY: Crook.
DRACO: Elf.
HARRY: Snob.
DRACO: Squib.
HARRY: Cheat
DRACO: Nerd.
HARRY: Blonde

HARRY & DRACO suddenly pull out their wands.

BOTH:
Puh-leeez!
Flick to kill!

Black-out

A filk by MagicPoni to the song Savages from Disney's Pocahontas

THE SCENE: Harry and Ron are running down the hall because they are late for Potions class (yet again).

RON:
What can you expect from those filthy little weasels,
This is what you get when the Houses are diverse.
Their robes are serphant green,
Their thoughts are really mean,
They're vermins as I said and worse...

GRYFFINDORS:
They're Slytherins! Slytherins!

RON:
Barely even students!

GRYFFINDORS:
Slytherins! Slytherins!

RON:
Drive them from our school!

HARRY:
They're not as nice as we,
Which means they must be evil.
We must expel them all!

GRYFFINDORS:
Slytherins! Slytherins!
Dirty, scheming, devils!
Don't know what they're useful for!

RON:
This is what we feared, those little gits are demons
The only thing they feel at all is greed
Beneath their filthy minds there's emptiness inside
Their evilness we do not need!

GRYFFINDORS:
They're Slytherins! Slytherins!
Barely even students!
Slytherins! Slytherins!
Rotten to the core.

HARRY:
They're nasty to us
Which means they can't be trusted!
We must expel them all!

GRYFFINDORS:
They're Slytherins! Slytherins!

RON:
First we beat up Malfoy!

GRYFFINDORS:
Then we will rule this school!

Enter into classroom

SLYTHERINS:
Gryffindors! Gryffindors!
Let's go make Snape yell at them!
Gryffindors! Gryffindors!
Perfect little prats!

GRYFFINDORS:
Slytherins! Slytherins!
Barely even students.
Don't know what they're useful for!

To the tune of Finch'han dal vino (aka The Champagne Aria) from Mozart's Don Giovanni, K. 527

THE SCENE: Gryffindor Commons. On the eve of a game with Slytherin, HARRY leads a butterbeer toast in a denunciation of Gryffindor's most-hated rival

HARRY
Finkin' ol' Draco
Him we detest-a
'Tis no contest-a
That predator!

No trophy in the Quidditch
Will go to that kid rich,
Draco's sure to quail-a
He'll never score!

Slyth'rins grow all dumber-a,
With their disgraced crap
Robed like dement-os
Herm will their face slap,
They are so menta,
Failures they are.

Once more will Gryffindor
Our far more diff'rent dorm
Conquest-a the Slyth'rins,
Foiling Malfoy's heir.

Ah! Into the trash kick
All of the slashfic
That dares to depict
We two as a pair!
That depicts we two as a pair!

To the tune of There Won't Be Trumpets from Sondheim's Anyone Can Whistle

THE SCENE: Divination Class, at the beginning of Year Six, with TRELAWNEY back on the job. Before the startled Gryffindor class, she suddenly goes rigid in her armchair, her eyes roll & unfocus, her mouth sags, as she begins to speak in a deep harsh voice, quite unlike her own: Yes, Sibyll is about to deliver her third Genuine Prediction!

TRELAWNEY:
That bad little brat in his bad little dorm
He forgot one thing:
This story isn't his by a long shot yet!
There are heroes in these books
Saviors and heroes in these books
Not one of them's named Draco
There's no way!
There's no way!

There's no redemption, no subtle plot twist
To show he's changing.
No new nuances, no clues that we've missed,
No cataclysmic Banging.
He will not be the catalyst.
One-dimension, he's a foil
For young Potter, just the same as Crabbe and Goyle.

But no redemption in scenes dramatic
Or swift conversion.
He won't develop, he remains static,
There's no upgraded version.

Fans may say, wait another year
He has two more books to go
But our Draco,
Hasn't he shown he cannot grow?

Don't look for shipping or slashing romance
To help redeem him!
He won't win Hermy, and Harry - fat chance -
No tryst in leather jeans, then.

I know when, I know where,
So I won't even say don't ask us!
What I know is, that git will not trek
Towards Damascus!
He won't be redeemed!
There's no redemption!
For damned Draco!

After coming out of her trance, TRELAWNEY awards 10 points to Gryffindor in appreciation of their standing ovation.

A filk by Terra to the tune of Matchmaker from Fiddler on the Roof.

PANSY:
Matchmaker, Matchmaker,
Spin me a spell,
Mix elixers,
All else to hell

Matchmaker, Matchmaker
Look through your scroll,
Find someone to fit the role

Matchmaker, Matchmaker,
Make sure he's male,
As you bring the groom,
Deathly and pale.
Bring me his Mark for I'm longing to be,
The Mistress of all I see.

For Papa,
Make him a pureblood.
For Mama,
Make him rich as a king.

For me, well,
I wouldn't holler
If he were as evil as anything.

Matchmaker, Matchmaker,
Increase my account,
Find me a Sir,
Raise temperatures,
Night after night in the dorms I am bored
Find a match who serves the Dark Lord.

DRACO (spoken): Don't be such an imbecile!
PANSY (spoken): Why not?
DRACO: It's not like you'll choose for yourself!
PANSY: I will to. Even if I don't, I'll get the best.
DRACO: No, you'll get whoever your mother can convince.
Whoever your mother wins over, you'll have to take!

DRACO (singing, mimicking Pansy's mother):
Pansy, oh Pansy,
Have I made a match for you!
He's clever, he's young!
Alright, he's 42.
But he's a good teacher, Potions Master

PANSY:
Snape?!

DRACO:
Snape!

I won't promise you'll be happy,
Don't be surprised if you're not,
There's more to life than that---
Don't ask me what.

Honey, I found him.
Won't you be eager for eventide!
He's rich, he's tall,
That is from side to side.
But you'll be thinner by his side, right?

PANSY:
No!

DRACO:
You heard he has a temper.
He'll beat you every night,
But at least he's not Longbottom!

PANSY:
Well, that's alright.

You think you could get a prince?

DRACO:
Well I do the best I can.
With every family only having one boy a round
Be glad you got a man!

PANSY:
Matchmaker, Matchmaker,
You know that I'm
Still very vain.
Please, don't raise Cain.

Right at this minute,
I became very down
Because a future frown.

Dear Baron,
See that he's gentle
Remember,
My Slytherin pride.
It's not that
I'm sentimental
Our children will be terrified!

Matchmaker, Matchmaker,
Put down that book
Send them away
Maybe I've learned
Playing with matches
A girl can get burned

So,
Bring me no Mark
Leave me in the Dark
I've changed my mind
Catch me no catch
Unless he's a Death Eating match.

A fans vs. purists filk about Draco, to the tune of Gershwin's Let's Call The Whole Thing Off by Pippin

Enter Stage Left, The Purists Enter Stage Right, The Draco Fandom

PURISTS
There's Draco in canon
And Draco in fanon
The difference between them's as wide as a canyon
Abandoning canon, there should be a ban on
Let's hold the fanfic off

FANDOM
You say he's nasty
You say he's wack-o
We love our Draco and we say he's macho
He's macho, muchacho, that's our fanon Draco
Why don't you bugger off?

PURISTS
Jo says in dress robes
He looks like a churchman

FANDOM
He wears Armani, so sexy it hurts man

PURISTS
He may be hotter than Harry J Potter but
Jo's gonna Kiss him off.

He's just a fascist
Like Goebbels and Goering

FANDOM
His politics could be just a red herring
In the grand scheme we know
He'll be redeemed so
Call those Dementors off.

PURISTS
Whenever there's danger
He shows the white feather

FANDOM
Who cares about that, he looks good in leather

PURISTS
White feather

FANDOM
Black leather
He's got it together
Let's take his trousers off!

A filk by Salazar to the tune of Gee Officer Krupke from West Side Story

PANSY (spoken, as JK Rowling)
Hey, you!

DRACO (spoken)
Me, Miss Rowling?

PANSY
Yeah, you! Give me one good excuse for not sending you to join Sirius, ya punk!

DRACO (sung)
Dear...Author J.K. Rowling...
The readers take me wrong
It's just my father's foul being
I've learned from it so long!
You write me up as evil
And I get into fights...
Gulpin' Gargoyles,
How'd I get fan sites?

SLYTHERINS
Ah Gee, J.K. Rowling, don't stress him too much
We know he's quite a git but give him a pleasant touch
He's lost all his family, he sucks at Quidditch
Could you for once let him catch the Snitch?

DRACO
Catch the Snitch?

SLYTHERINS
Catch the Snitch
Catch the Snitch
Catch the goldarn Snitch
Could you maybe let him catch the Snitch?

PANSY (as JK)
Maybe you're an OK character

DRACO
Let me show it to the world!

PANSY
Show it to Umbridge

DRACO
Dear Kindly Missus Umbridge,
My grades have been in hell
I'm not the nicest person
My hate I cannot quell!
You really must believe me,
I want to be redeemed
You are not so nice yourself
It seems!

suddenly realizes he's been talking to a villain

Crap!

SLYTHERINS
Gee, JK Rowling, you're quite prejudiced
Draco doesn't deserve to work for a fascist!
Your hate for us Slyth'rins is really quite odd.
Why'd you put him in the IQ Squad?

DRACO
IQ Squad!

SLYTHERINS
IQ Squad! IQ Squad!
Oh, that bloody Squad
Why'd you go and put him in that Squad?

PANSY
In the opinion of the critics, this character is unrealistic on account of the fact that he isn't three dimensional!

DRACO
I don't have three dimensions!

PANSY
So give him to J.R.R. Tolkien!

DRACO
Dear Mr. Middle-Earther
My life is worse than death
If it weren't for Tom Felton
They'd hate my bloody breath!
JK likes Harry Potter
With villainy I'm stuck
Holy Jesus, that's why I'm a schmuck!

CRABBE (as Tolkien)
Oh, dear, J.K. Rowling, in all of my faith
I've never met a boy who is more like a ringwraith!
So while you might want him to join Voldemort
He'd much rather be an Orc in Sauron's fort!

DRACO
Sauron's fort?

SLYTHERINS (turning into ORCS)
Sauron's fort! Sauron's fort!
Sauron's fort, fort, fort!
Yes, big S is worse than Voldemort!

CRABBE
In my opinion, this boy does not need to be involved in the Harry Potter series at all All his problems could be cured by time with some really evil creatures

DRACO
I ain't seen evil!

CRABBE
So send him to work for the Black Riders!

DRACO
Dear kindly Lord of Morgul,
I'm new to Middle Earth
I'm not a pleasant person
'Twas hated since my birth.
I might as well just carry my own dern devil's fork!
Gulpin' Gondor, that's why...(looks down at himself) I'm an orc!

WITCH KING
(Sigh)
Gee, JK Rowling, take him back now, clear?
He cannot lift a club much less carry his own spear!
This kid is not a warrior, but a damn autocrat!
He's truly nothing but a little spoiled brat.

DRACO
I'm a brat!

ORCS (turning back into SLYTHERINS)
He's a brat!
He's a brat!
He's a bloody brat!
All that pampering makes him a brat!

WITCH KING
The trouble is his breeding!

PANSY
The trouble is his house!

CRABBE
It's fleshing out he's needing!

GOYLE
Or else he's just a louse!

WITCH KING
He's just a bloody weakling!

PANSY
His blonde hair drives girls mad!

DRACO (suddenly surrounded by groupies)
I thought being hated was so bad!

SLYTHERINS
Ah gee, JK Rowling
Please stop taking sides
Would you please not treat our house
Like we need pesticides?
Ah gee, JK Rowling
Our hatred just grew
In truth, JK Rowling
FOR YOU!

A filk by R.J. Lupin to Dujour Round the World from the Josie and the Pussycats movie

SCENE: The Great Hall. There is a stage set up that slightly resembles the Dueling Club stage. All the students are around it, and all of the girls are screaming. Rita Skeeter is there and she commentates. Note: in the song, '...' means that the note is held and crooned over some more notes. You know what I'm talking about if you've heard the song.

RITA: (spoken)
So, Hermione. How do you feel?

HERMIONE: (spoken)
I'm so excited! I just love Draco!

HARRY and RON: (groaning)
Oh Hermione...

RITA (spoken)
And Ms. Chang, how about you?

CHO: (spoken as she cries hysterically)
I know that I should be really sad that Cedric died, but I can't help it! I love Draco!

RITA: (spoken)
And Mr. Flint?

FLINT: (spoken)
Oh yeah. Me and Draco. We're like brothers, you know? Meh

RITA: (spoken)
And what do we have here?

PANSY: (waving a 'Marry Me Draco!' sign)
Draco, I love you! Marry me!

HERMIONE: (screams)
Merlin's Beard! Here he comes!

CHO: (screams and cries more and begins fanning her face with her hand)
Oh my God!

Draco emerges, wearing black sunglasses, a leather jacket, and some leather pants. Crabbe and Goyle come out behind him, dressed in black, but not leather. The music begins, and the girls scream loudly again

DRACO:
Yeah...

CRABBE & GOYLE:
No one's a Slytherin like Draco
Draco!

DRACO:
Oh, oh...

CRABBE & GOYLE:
Leather no one's wearin' like Draco
Draco!

DRACO:
Ooh...

CRABBE & GOYLE:
Nobody beats Potter like Draco
When he starts rulin' you'll
Wish you could be him
Draco!

DRACO:
This is the life
To have a fancy name like 'Malfoy'
About my dad
Well, Potter he will help destroy
At my mansion house-elves do my chores and
I can strut around and tell them 'you keep scrubbing all those floors'

Of a pureblood family
And I'm rich, you know my name is

DRACO, CRABBE & GOYLE:
Great Draco Malfoy

CRABBE & GOYLE:
No one's a Slytherin like Draco
Draco!

DRACO:
No one is...

CRABBE & GOYLE:
Leather no one's wearin' like Draco Draco!

DRACO:
Draco...

CRABBE & GOYLE:
Nobody beats Potter like Draco
When he starts rulin' you'll
Wish you could be him
Draco!

DRACO:
I'm number one
The greatest wizard of Hogwarts School
And anywhere
'Cause you know I'm at the top of cool

CRABBE & GOYLE:
Draco

DRACO:
Livin' large forever, yeah
You won't see me without my leather...

Of a pureblood family
And I'm rich, you know my name is

CRABBE & GOYLE:
Great Draco Malfoy

DRACO:
Draco...

CRABBE & GOYLE:
No one's a Slytherin like Draco
Draco

DRACO:
Ooh yeah

CRABBE & GOYLE:
Leather no one's wearin' like Draco
Draco

DRACO
Like Draco...

CRABBE & GOYLE:
Nobody beats Potter like Draco
When he starts rulin' you'll

DRACO:
When I start rulin'...

CRABBE & GOYLE:
Wish you could be him

DRACO, CRABBE & GOYLE:
Draco...

DRACO: (slowly taking off his leather jacket and throwing it at the crowd)
Leather like Draco
Oh yeah
My leather
My leather
My leather...
My leather...

CRABBE & GOYLE:
No one's a Slytherin like Draco
Draco

DRACO:
Oh yeah

CRABBE & GOYLE:
Leather no one's wearin' like Draco
Draco

DRACO: Oh...

CRABBE & GOYLE:
Nobody beats Potter like Draco
When he starts rulin' you'll

DRACO:
Leather baby, leather baby, ooh...

CRABBE & GOYLE:
Wish you could be him
Draco!

No one's a Slytherin like Draco
Draco

DRACO:
Ooh...

CRABBE & GOYLE:
Leather no one's wearin' like Draco
Draco
Nobody beats Potter like Draco

DRACO:
Ooh...yeah...

CRABBE & GOYLE:
When he starts rulin' you'll
Wish you could be him
Draco!

DRACO:
Draco...

A filk by The Final Stillness of Saturn to the tune of I Just Can't Wait to Be King from Disney's The Lion King.

DRACO: I'm gonna be the second Lord,
So Potter's fans beware!

HERMIONE: Well, I've never seen Lord Voldemort
With such exquisite hair.

DRACO:I'm gonna be the main event
Like Voldy was before.
I'm practicing on looking down.
I'm plotting out the war.

PANSY: Which is a very inspirational thing.

DRACO: Oh, I just can't wait to be Lord!

DRACO: No Muggles in Hogwarts.
GOYLE: No Muggles anywhere.
DRACO: No Muggles with magic.
CRABBE: No Muggles to see here.
PANSY: To see here!
DRACO: Free to seek them out all day!
Free to kill them all my way!

PANSY: I think it's time that you and I
Arranged a heart to heart.

DRACO: I will need nothing
From little witch chicks for a start.

GINNY: If this is where the Death Eaters are headed
Count me in.
Into service, in with the Dark Lord.
I like you more than him.
Then you'll keep me from forever being bored.

DRACO: Oh, I just can't wait to be Lord.

Everybody look left.
Everybody look right.
Everywhere you look they're
Casting "Lord Draco Light."

SLYTHERINS: Let every Slyth'rin go for broke and sing.
He will make muggles hear many bells ring.
It's gonna be Lord Draco's finest fling.
DRACO: Oh, I just can't wait to be Lord!
Oh, I just can't wait to be Lord!
Oh, I just can't wait to be Lord!

To the tune of In Enterprise of Martial Kind, aka The Duke of Plaza-Toro, from Gilbert & Sullivan's The Gondoliers

THE SCENE: Slytherin Commons. Enter CHORUS OF SLYTHERINS, to serenade one of their own. BLAISE ZABINI does the snare drum solos.

PANSY
He's brilliant, handsome, brave and bold
Or so they say in fanfic
But when the Canon's roar takes hold
He's one who always ran quick.
"A duel, oh Harry, let's begin!"
But showed up not at all, oy!
That lily-livered
Timber-shivered
Undelivered
Slytherin
The son of Lucius Malfoy!

ALL
He is our fellow sneak, ha, ha!
With quite the yellow streak, ha, ha!
That lily-livered
Timber-shivered
Undelivered
Slytherin
The son of Lucius Malfoy!

MONTAGUE
When 'mentors glided through our grounds
And gave Potter great anguish
Our hero did a plan propound
That he would not let languish
But when disguised in dusky sheets
He quite lost his morale, oy!
That masquerading
Unpersuading
Truth-evading
Faux elite
The son of Lucius Malfoy

ALL
When faced with Patron's blast, ha, ha!
He fell to earth quite fast, ha, ha!
That masquerading
Unpersuading
Truth-evading
Faux elite
The son of Lucius Malfoy

MILLICENT
When Lucius was to sent to the poke
For Voldemort a-helping
His son did Gryffindor provoke
With Crabbe and Goyle a-yelping.
In contrast to Harry's D.A.,
He proved the weaker alloy
That red-and-swelling
Badly smelling
Cellar-dwelling
Popinjay
The son of Lucius Malfoy

ALL
His fans adore his mug, ha, ha!
Though oozing like a slug, ha, ha!
That red-and-swelling
Badly smelling
Cellar-dwelling
Popinjay
The son of Lucius Malfoy
That red-and-swelling
Badly smelling
Cellar-dwelling
Popinjay
The son of Lucius Malfoy!

A filk by Fyre to the tune of Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen

Scene: Draco Malfoy, after a long hard day of conspiring to kill good old Dumbleodre, sleeps. A dream runs through his head of what yet happen…

DRACO
I love the Pureblood life -
Exactly like fantasy -
Born into a loyal family
Why would I want to escape from reality?
Open my eyes
I look into the skies and see
I'm just a rich brat, I need no sympathy
It's all easy come, easy go
Living high, living low
Anyway my broom goes doesn't really matter to me…
To me

Sev'rus, I killed a man
Put my wand up to his head, said the words, now he's dead
My life was a noble one
But now I've gone and thrown it all away
Dark Lord ooo
Didn't mean for that surprise
If I don't come back by this time tomorrow
Carry on, carry on,
As if I never served you

It's late, the time has come
Night sends shivers down my spine
I dare not even ask the time
Goodbye to Hogwarts-It's time for me to go
Must leave and leave the past behind.
Dark Lord ooo (Any way my broom flies)
Another shall not die
Those Mudbloods should have never been born at all

Draco walks off, attempting to disappear into the Dark Forest

POTTER -
There goes the little silhouette of Malfoy

GRYFFINDORS -
There he goes, there he goes, we must not let him escape!
Crucio or Lightning, Anything frightening, Please!
Draco Malfoy, Draco Malfoy
Draco Malfoy, Draco Malfoy
Draco Malfoy you must not go! - Crucio!

Gryffindors grab Draco and drag him into the Room of Requirement.

DRACO
I'm just a spoiled brat, nobody loves me

DEATH EATERS
He's just a spoiled brat, from a spoiled family
Spare him his life from his monstrosity!
Easy come, easy go-Come on, Potter, let me go!

POTTER-
You really think so? NO, I will not let you go-Let me go!
You really think so? NO, I will not let you go-Let me go!
You really think so? NO, I will not let you go-Let me go!

BOTH-
Will not let you go-Let me go!
Will not let you go-Let me go!

DRACO-
Let me go, go, go, go-
Harry Potter, Harry Potter, Harry Potter let me go-
I can easily have a curse set aside for you, for you, for you-

Draco pulls wand and aims it at random DEATH EATERS

(To DEATH EATERS)
So you think you can help me then leave me behind-
So you think you can raise me then leave me to die?

(To Pansy Parkinson)
Oh, Pansy- forgive me Pansy
I've just gotta get out-Just gotta get out of here

DRACO shoots randomly at Gryfindors in room. Frantic scrambling for a little bit until DRACO is taken down. Skip to Dungeons, DRACO sitting on the floor, head in hands

Why does it really matter
Why did this happen to me?
Why does it really matter- Why does it really matter to me?
Any way my broom flies…

A filk by Fyre to the song of the same name from Disney's The Lion King

Setting: Snape is giving Draco a little "pep talk" before the final war against the Order of the Phoenix

SNAPE:
[Spoken] I don't know why you are so essential
You're slow and in tremendous pain
But maybe this grief has potential
When allied to Voldemort's brain

[Sung]I see that you aren't quite in contention
You hate all this having to hide
But scared as you are, pay attention
These words can help recover your pride

It's clear from your sorry expressions
You are quite unawares
But I'm talking war and progression
You know that no one can be spared!

So prepare for the war of the century
Be prepared for most excellent news
The Dark Lord's new era is slithering nearer

DRACO:
[Spoken] And why must I feature?

SNAPE:
[Sung] For once will you listen to teacher?
Yes, it sounds sordid but you'll get rewarded
When the Dark Lord's been given his dues
And the killing deliciously Squared
Be Prepared!

DRACO:
[Spoken] Alright, I'll be prepared
Prepared for what?

SNAPE:
[Spoken] For the destruction of Wizarding kind!

DRACO:
[Spoken] Is it sick?

SNAPE:
[Spoken] No you fool! We're going to destroy it!

DRACO:
[Spoken] Yeah. Who needs Wizards anyway? No Wizards No Wizards! Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah!

SNAPE:
[Spoken] Silence! There will be Wizards!

DRACO:
[Spoken] But you said…

SNAPE:
[Spoken] There will be Death Eaters! Stick with Voldemort, and you'll never lift a finger again!

DRACO:
[Spoken] Yay, all right!
Long live Voldemort!
Long live Voldemort!

Death Eaters Apparate in and begin to sing

DEATH EATERS:
It's great that we'll all be connected
To a Lord who is all powerful

SNAPE (Draco and Death Eaters)
[Sung]Of course you will be expected
To stay forever loyal
The Future shall be full of surprises
And though Riddle's the main addressee
The point that I'll now emphasize is
YOU WON'T GET A CHANCE WITHOUT HE!

So prepare for the battle of a lifetime
(OHHHHHHHHHHH)
Be prepared for a wondrous plan
(ohhh la la la!)
Wonderful Scamming
(We'll be rich)
Brilliant planning
(ohh so rich)
Decades of revival
(We'll again say)
Is exactly why we'll
(Mudbloods will pay)
Be feared and rebooted
Adored and Saluted
And seen for our wonderful plans

Yes out wands and attentions are bared
Be Prepared!

(Death Eaters and Draco)
Yes out wands and attentions are bared
Be Prepared!

A filk by Pippin to the tune of The Ballad of Rocky Raccoon by the Beatles

Now somewhere in a dark manor home in Wiltshire
There lived a young boy named Draco Malfoy
One day his Daddy got sent off to Azkaban
Potter put him in the can
Draco didn't like that said I'm gonna get that boy
So one day he went back to school
Found him some space in that Come and Go Room

Draco Malfoy set out to destroy
By fixing the vanishing cabinet
Draco had gone
Equipped with a wand
In order to take a stab at it
The cabinet it seems
Would help in his schemes
Fulfilling Lord Voldemort's fancy
He tried to succeed
By poisoning mead
But everyone knew it was chancy

Now Albus and friend, his man to the end
Flew up on their brooms to the tower
Draco burst in and grinning a grin
He said Dumbledore you're in in my power
Then Harry got froze- Snape struck I suppose
And Harry said Come back you coward!

Now Harry gave chase to find but a trace
And proceeded to stagger unstable
I knew Dumbledore must be dead
Though he looks like he could be in bed
And I'll get Voldie I'll get Snape and Voldie as soon as I am able

Now Draco Malfoy
Escaped by a ploy
Only to be Snape's disciple
Albus checked out and he left us in doubt
To wait for Book Seven's arrival

A filk by Sarausamiga to the tune of Glitter and Be Gay from Leonard Bernstein's Candide

DRACO:
Shallow, vicious snot
That's the part I've got
Born of a simplistic mind...

Nothing but a foil
Just like Crabbe and Goyle--
Victimizing weaklings is no way to shine!

Alas, poor me, had I remained
Disdainful from afar
My rep would not have been so stained;
Who knows, I even may have gained
Top billing with the Scar.

Ah, 'twill never be. Mediocrity
Rowling can't do shades of gray.
Bored beyond belief,
Potter's comic relief--oh!
Frozen, formulaic,
This way I must stay.

...And yet, of course, there's always a plot loophole, ha-ha!
I've got a great assignment from the Lord, ha-ha!
You'll see that I'm adept at greater evil, ha-ha!
No longer will I languish here ignored...

Enough, enough
Of being basely fearful
I'll show my Pureblood stuff
(Who says they've seen me tearful?)
Aha ha ha ha,
Ha, ha, ha,
hahahaha! [etc.]

A filk by Selkie to the tune of Just You Wait, Henry Higgins from Lerner and Loewe's My Fair Lady

Draco Malfoy is in his room, unhappily scheming...

DRACO:
Just you wait, Harry Potter, just you wait!
You'll be sorry, but your tears'll be too late!
You'll be crying for your Mummy
Like a helpless little dummy!
Just you wait, Harry Potter, just you wait!

Just you wait, Harry Potter, 'til we duel.
Then all Hogwarts will see that you are a fool!
I'll be throwing curses faster.
It will be your big disaster!
Oh ho ho, Harry Potter, just you wait!

Ooooh, Harry Potter,
Just you wait 'til we play our next Quidditch match!
Ooooh, Harry Potter,
And you see the Snitch which you will try to snatch!
I'll fly faster and I'll beat you
Slytherin will then defeat you!
Oh ho ho, Harry Potter!
Down you'll go, little rotter!
Just. You. Wait!

One day I'll be older, I'll be of age, and tall.
I will be a Death Eater, with a Dark Mark and all.
And the Dark Lord will say to me, "Oh Draco, old son,
Of all my Death Eaters, you're my favorite one!
The rest of them shall bow down to you
When I tell them you're steadfast and true!
My Death Eaters will understand how loyal you are,
How you fought all your life against that kid with the scar."
"Thanks a lot, Lord." I'll say although I'm shaking with dread,
"But all I want is Harry Potter dead!"
"Done!" he will say with a smirk.
"Wormtail, go bring in that jerk!"
Then they'll bring you, Harry Potter, here you'll stand,
And the Dark Lord will say "On Draco's command..."
As they raise their wand arms higher
I'll shout "Ready! Aim! Fire!"
Oh ho ho, Harry Potter!
Crucio! Harry Potter!
Just. You. Wait!

As Draco dances madly around, wildly waving his wand with a malevolent leer on his face, he notices his father in the doorway. Lucius has been standing there watching for some little time apparently. Draco stops and turns even paler than he normally is. As the door closes, we hear a murmured "Crucio!" and Draco's screams...

A filk by Alessandra C. to the tune of the same name by Linkin Park

I was listening to this song and thought it could fit with Draco's mood in The Half-Blood Prince.

DRACO:
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so helpless, cold over the surface
I know what you're expecting of me
To join the Death Eaters and follow father's steps
(Serving the Dark Lord just serving the Dark Lord)
Every step that I take is another step to darkness
(Serving the Dark Lord just serving the Dark Lord)

[Chorus]
I've become so numb, I know what lies ahead
I've become so tired, so much more aware
I'm doing evil things, all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

Can't you see how much you're stressing me
Falling to my knees, afraid to lose control
Cause everything that you thought I would be
Is some bloody killer, pitiless like you
(Serving the Dark Lord just serving the Dark Lord)
Every step that I take is another step to darkness
(Serving the Dark Lord just serving the Dark Lord)
And every second I waste is more than I can take

[Chorus]
I've become so numb, I know what lies ahead
I've become so tired, so much more aware
I'm doing evil things, all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

And I know
I may end up failing too
And I know
The Dark Lord will kill me 'cause I disappointed him too

[Chorus]
I've become so numb, I know what lies ahead
I've become so tired, so much more aware
I'm doing evil things, all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

[Chorus]
I've become so numb, I know what lies ahead
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
I've become his slave just like my father did
I'm tired of being what you want me to be

A filk by Alessandra C. to the tune of Have a Nice Day by Bonjovi

DRACO:
Why Snape wanna tell me how to live my life?
Who is him to tell me what it's wrong or right?
Mother, can you help me try to understand
Is Innocence the difference 'tween a boy and a man?
My father has failed, that's just the price that he paid
Sacrified his son just slaving away

Oh, I need something to hang onto that gets me through the night
I am gonna do what I don't want to
I'm gonna risk my life
Shining like a diamond, my future's in the mud
Standing on the edge, I'll show you I'm tough
When the world gets in my face, I say ...
Out of my way
Out of my way

Take a look at my face
Nothing's what it seems
Inside I feel broken, with no hopes or dreams
I won't be the first to ask for a helping hand
Hey, I'm brave enough to take a stand
I've leared no forgiveness, only in power I believe

Oh, I need something to hang onto that gets me through the night
I am gonna do what I don't want to
I'm gonna risk my life
Shining like a diamond, my future's in the mud
Standing on the edge, I'll show you I'm tough
When the world gets in my face, I say ...
Out of my way
Out of my way
Out of my way
When the world keeps trying to drag me down
Won't raise my hands, gonna stand my ground
I say, hey
Out of my way
Out of my way.

A filk by Eric Oppen to the tune of The Wearing of the Green (a traditional Irish song)

Oh, Vince and Greg, hear me, I beg, bad news is goin' round,
For Slytherins are not permitted on our old school's ground,
The Serpent's Nest is now bereft, no more will we be seen,
For now the whole school's out to get the house of White-and-Green.

Chorus:
Oh, the house of White-and-Green, oh, the house of White-and-Green
We're all in dire disgrace because we're wearing White and Green.

I met with Marcus Flint just now, he took me off aside,
And asked "How is it for our House, does Slytherin abide?"
I had to tell him that we cannot let ourselves be seen,
For Slughorn can't help us preserve the house of White-and-Green.

Now thanks to those Death Eaters our whole house is in disgrace,
But we will work to clear our names and gain our rightful place,
We'll work together all as one, like one well-oiled machine,
And someday they will welcome back the house of White-and-Green.

And since our name's been flung in mud at Voldemort's command,
We'll work together, day and night, to drive him from the land!
Though our Old Boys disgraced us all, and times for us are lean,
We'll win at last, because we are the House of White-and-Green!

And Gryffindor will never more run Hogwarts like its fief,
And act like any points we get were stolen by a thief!
They act like Rangers football fans, which means they're acting mean,
But someday they will all bow to the House of White-and-Green!

Our Hogwarts stands on four firm legs, with three it won't stand right,
And so we Slytherins must now get ready for a fight!
We'll fight the Dark Lord and our friends, to make our name shine clean,
And we will triumph, for we are the House of White-and-Green!

A filk by Eric Oppen to the tune of The Red Flag (Billy Bragg version)

Our House's flag is green-and-white
We snooze by day and skulk by night
And what we're planning in our schemes
You'd not see in your wildest dreams

Chorus:
Then raise the serpent banner high
The emblem of the house that's sly
Though Gryffs and Huffs may point and sneer
The Slytherin flag's flying here!

It was first raised by Salazar
It serves the House that's best by far
In later times when things got grim
We Slytherins kept faith with him!

Our enemies will all be dazed
Our friends will stand there, all amazed
They won't believe what we can do
When we to Green and White are true!

In battle or the Quidditch field
The Green and White will never yield
And though our day may not come fast
The Slytherins will win at last!

And when the fight is through and done
And Slytherin has finally won
The other Houses will attest
That Green and White is truly best!

To the tune of The End of the World by Skeeter Davis

The SCENE: Slytherin Common Room. Enter VINCENT CRABBE and GREGORY GOYLE

BOTH
Why don't we get any quote marks?
Why don't our quips get set down?
JKR has suspended our words
We don't get to use verbs and nouns

Why do we two only chortle?
Why don't we discourse or chat?
JKR has suspended our words
She will not let us chew the fat.

GOYLE
My pal Vincent's a quite persuasive wonder
Of his wit and culture there can be no doubt

CRABBE
My friend Gregory's a font of hilarity
But his every wisecrack gets left out

BOTH
Why aren't we done by Jim Dale?
Why doesn't Fry do our voice?
JKR has suspended our words
She will not give them any choice……

To the tune of Tom Lehrer's She's My Girl

THE SCENE: Slytherin Commons. Enter VINCENT CRABBE

CRABBE:
Shrakes gotta swim, and ghouls gotta moan,
I gotta have a sidekick all my own.
To Herm or Fred or Ron,
He may be a moron,
But to me, well,
He's my Goyle.

He enters the classroom with a mind quite blurred
And he chortles and he snickers 'cause he cannot speak in words.
His Full-Scale IQ
Is almost 22
But he's my Goyle, he's my Goyle, he's my Goyle,
'Cause I'm like him!

The Goyle whose affect's blunted
The Goyle whose brain is stunted
The Goyle who loudly grunted
The Goyle that rat confronted
The Goyle Neville affronted
Is the Goyle that weighs three hundred three.

So when we tag alongside Draco as if we were glued
I know that I'm on the same wavelength as that dude.
And he's got such a knack
For making knuckles crack
So, oh well, can't you tell,
He's my Goyle,
'Cause I'm like him!

A filk by Constance Vigilance to the tune of Dammit, Janet from The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

THE SCENE: Slytherin Commons. VINCENT CRABBE has just finished singing his tribute to his buddy Gregory Goyle

GREGORY GOYLE, overwhelmed with emotion, begins a return tribute, and the two finish as a sappy duet.

GOYLE:
Hey, Crabbe

CRABBE:
Yes, Goyle?

GOYLE:
I've got something to say

CRABBE:
Uh huh?

GOYLE:
I really love the...skillful way
You beat the other boys
To pound Potter today

CRABBE:
Oh...oh, Goyle

GOYLE:
Instead of an ear, you've a flap, Crabbe
When you sit down, you can't see your lap, Crabbe
You can't find your butt with a map, Crabbe
I've one thing to say, and that's

Crap, Crabbe, I love you ...

They should auction your body for scrap, Crabbe
Where your brain should be there's just a gap, Crabbe
You're as fun as an outbreak of clap, Crabbe
I've one thing to say, and that's

Crap, Crabbe, I love you ...

The late bludger hit you gave Potter
Was a sneaky but beautiful low blow
We used Longbottom's head for a blotter
Oh G-R-E-G-G, I love you so

CRABBE:
In the Umbridge Squad Inquisitorial, oh, Goyle
I'm certain that you and Malfoy'll, oh, Goyle
Not play according to Hoyle, oh, Goyle
I've one thing to say, and that's
Goyle, I'm roiled for you too
Oh, Goyle

GOYLE:
Oh ... crap!

CRABBE:
I'm roiled

GOYLE:
Oh, Crabbe!

CRABBE:
For you

GOYLE:
I love you too

BOTH:
There's one thing left to do, ah-hoo

GOYLE:
On the seventh floor, set up a trap, Crabbe
And see if Potter will land in our lap, Crabbe
And then smash a skull or kneecap, Crabbe
Now I've one thing to say, and that's

Crap, Crabbe, I love you...

Crap, Crabbe

CRABBE:
Oh Goyle, I'm roiled

GOYLE:
Crap, Crabbe

BOTH:
I love you

A filk by Alessandra C. to the tune of Buona Sera by Dean Martin

BLAISE ZABINI (to some Slytherin girl):
Buona sera, signorina, buona sera
It is time to say goodnight to Hogwarts school
Though it's hard for us to whisper "buona sera"
With that old moon above the Quidditch pitch,
In the weekend, signorina, we'll go walkin'
To the village of Hogsmeade, oh what a sight!
And by Honeyducks sweets shop we'll stop and linger
While I buy you a sugar quill flavoured ginger
While you enjoy it, let me tell you that I love you
Buona sera, signorina, kiss me goodnight
Buona sera, signorina, kiss me goodnight.

BLAISE ZABINI (to some Ravenclaw girl):
Buona sera, signorina, buona sera
It is time to say goodnight to Hogwarts school
Though it's hard for us to whisper "buona sera"
With that old moon above the Quidditch pitch,
In the weekend, signorina, we'll go walkin'
To the village of Hogsmeade, oh what a sight!
And by Honeyducks sweets shop we'll stop and linger
While I buy you a sugar quill flavoured ginger
While you enjoy it, let me tell you that I love you
Buona sera, signorina, kiss me goodnight
Buona sera, signorina, kiss me goodnight.

For all those unfamiliar with the Italian way of dividing into syllables: it's "Na-po-li", three syllables, so "Hogwarts school" fits.

A filk by The Final Stillness of Saturn to the tune of Stealers Wheel's Stuck in the Middle

Millicent Bulstrode in her first solo!

MILLICENT:
No! It doesn't interfere with my sight!
People always say that somethin' ain't right.
Some folks ask if I was hit with a bat,
And then they wonder why I have loads of cats,

Nose isn't hooked or long;
No, it's not too big.
My nose is not in the middle, I know
Yes, it's not in the middle, I know.

People starin'; they always have a joke,
It's so hard to put a smile on my face,
Yes, I'm depressed cuz my nose isn't in place.

Eyes face the front of me;
Brows don't arch too high.
My nose is not in the middle, I know.

Well, they started off in first year
And still say that I look like a dog
And added more in our third year.
They just can't leave alone my
Nose, nose.

Willing to put you in a headlock,
Or maybe I'll stuff your mouth with a sock.
You know, I can wrestle you to the floor.
I don't want to take insults anymore.

Teeth form a straight line;
My lips are just right.
My nose is not in the middle, I know.
Yes, it's not in the middle, I know.

Well, they started off in first year
And still say that I look like a dog
And added more in our third year.
They just can't leave alone my
Nose, nose.

No! It doesn't interfere with my sight!
People always say that somethin' ain't right.
Some folks ask if I was hit with a bat,
And then they wonder why I have loads of cats,

Hair hangs down like curtains;
Ears are on the sides.
My nose is not in the middle, I know.
Yes, it's not in the middle, I know.

It's not in the middle, I know.
Yes, it's not in the middle, I know.
Yes, I'm, not in the middle, I know.

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