Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry
Image © 2003 by TikiGeek
Image © 2003 by TikiGeek
* = post-OOP
** = post-HBP
*** = post-DH
Copyright 2002-2003 by Caius Marcius except Hogwarts and Part of That World Copyright 2002 by Niche Eenhorn; How Many Students at Hogwarts in All Copyright 2002 by Pippin; Hogwarts Castle Copyright 2002 by Judy Nathanson; Some Enchanted Castle Copyright 2002 by MagicPoni; The Hogwarts Express Copyright 2002 by Zoe Bromelow; Castle on a Lake and The Wizard World by Nicole Lyon; Hotel Hogwarts Copyright 2001 by Deanna Rubin; Hogwarts Wizard School Copyright 2002 by Jordan Mann; Tradition Copyright 2002 by Mariner; Twelve Days of Hogwarts Copyright 2002 by Big Head Girl and MagicPoni; The Students Who Don't Do Anything Copyright 2003 by Eileen; Born In The Muggle World Copyright 2003 by Stickbook; The Gryffs and the Slytherins Copyright 2003 by Ellen Anglin; Hogwarts Forever (Second Take) Copyright 2003 by Twisted Mentat; Hogwarts Polka Copyright 2003 by Shay Caron; Who Will Win The House Cup? Copyright 2003 by Emily Potter; The Twelve Days of Christmas: The Harry Potter Version Copyright 2002 by Catherine Johnson and Benjamin Wick; The Harry Potter Christmas Song Copyright 2002 by Catherine Johnson, Richard Eney, and Dennis Maggard; Dashing Through the Snow Copyright 2003 by JustJeanette; Our Favorite Things Copyright 2004 by GiNnY; Hogwarts Bound Copyright 2004 by Indigo Ziona; My House Copyright 2004 by The Final Stillness of Saturn; The Ladies of Hogwarts Copyright 2004 by Eric Oppen; The Hogwarts Hanukkah Song Copyright 2004 by Constance Vigilance; Put On Your Wizard Robes Copyright 2005 by Tann; Keep Friendship In Your Heart Copyright 2005 by Nimbus 1944; Hogwarts the Great and Muggle-Born Copyright 2005 by Alessandra C.; Pottermaniacs Copyright 2006 by Rohan; I Wish I Could Go Back to Hogwarts Copyright 2007 by R.J. Lupin; Albus and the Chipmunks Copyright 2007 by The Blibbering Humdingers
A filk by Niche Eenhoorn to the tune of Out There, from the Disney movie The Hunchback of Notre Dame.
The lyrics are to the tune sung by Quasimodo alone, beginning with the line, "Safe behind these windows and these parapets of stone..."
You received a letter asking you to join this place,
For you're wizards ready to be taught here,
Come inside this castle, full of magic, full of fun,
And discover the surprises lurking
Meet the Sorting Hat, for it will guide you.
Sorting you in one of the four Houses,
You will find new friends and learn a thousand things per day,
Don't be scared now, you're all welcome
To Hogwarts,
Where we all can learn.
Magic like no other,
How to cast a spell,
Prepare a potion
Hogwarts,
Where we learn to fly away
On our broom, to the moon,
Yes, in Hogwarts you will learn!
Come learn the rules of Quidditch,
Gaining house points with your team,
Pay attention always to the lessons
Those who work the hardest
Get the House Cup and they win,
Feasting then in joyful celebration
But if we all act smart,
Then we can share the triumph
Hogwarts,
Our beloved school,
We're so proud to be here,
Since it's where we belong,
Where we feel happy
Hogwarts,
Where we're gathered now
So come sing this song,
all along
Gryffindor! Slytherin! Hufflepuff! Ravenclaw!
Yes, in Hogwarts you will learn!
A filk by Twisted Mentat of the national anthem of the Soviet Union as sung by the Red Army Chorus
SCENE: Presumably set in the 6th or 7th year of Harry & Co., this piece became the unofficial anthem of Hogwarts during the interim between Cedric's death and the acknowledgement of Voldemort's return by the Ministry.
Long life to the Founders, whereever they may be
For their spirit, indomitable, remains!
Our prime institution for magical learning
Is now our fortress 'gainst all evil pains!
CHORUS:
Hogwarts, forever; all wizards, together!
Let us prevail over evil's black hand!
Long live our righteous house!
Long live our school, espoused!
For truth and for freedom let it always stand!
The labors of our work to roll back the darkness
With our great leader, Dumbledore, now go forth!
We'll prove to the whole world the might of our prowess
And crush Voldemort's terror reign in the earth!
CHORUS
Our towering castle of magic wizardry
Shall shine like a beacon for those who have died
"Be true to their memory," thus stated our Harry
"And no evil sorceror will hinder our pride!"
CHORUS
A filk by Jordan Mann to the tune of Happiness Hotel from The Great Muppet Caper
Oh there's a monster out to get you and he killed your Mom and Dad
You're just a fledgling wizard and the nameless one is mad
But if your guardians are Muggles and they treat you rather cruel
Then, welcome back, to Hogwarts Wizard School.
[Spoken] SORTING HAT: Hey, what house you planning to be in?
HARRY: What are my choices?
SORTING HAT: A) Hufflepuff b) Ravenclaw c) Gryffindor d) Slytherin.
HARRY: I'll take "c."
SORTING HAT: Very popular choice.
You've got two good friends beside you, but it's gonna be a job
'Cause the Potion Master hates you and ol' Malfoy is a snob
Though the portrait changed the password and the janitor's a fool
Well, welcome back, to Hogwarts Wizard School.
[Spoken] HARRY: Y'know, I may be mistaken but the bellhops look like trolls
FRED: You should see the chambermaids!
Welcome back (welcome back),
Welcome back (welcome back),
The Willow has a temper and there is no swimming pool
Okay, the place is filled with secrets, and the owls make a mess
And the only way to get here is an invisible Express
Still the nurse is always helpful if you lose a magic duel
Then, welcome back, to Hogwarts Wizard School.
[Spoken] HARRY:[to Resident Ghosts]: You ghosts live here?
NEARLY HEADLESS NICK: Yeah, but only since my head came nearly off, so that means we've been here this time...what?...five hundred years?
MOANING MYRTLE: Well, like, okay, y'know, I mean, like, okay, things are really gonna break as soon as we get our new Dark Arts professor!
HARRY: What's wrong with the groundskeeper? He seems a little crazed.
RON: Oh, he's just upset about the runaway Cerebus.
HAGRID: Fluffy, Fluffy!
You've got a broom (got a broom)
And there's Quidditch (there's Quidditch)
Just watch out for the Bludgers and then try to grab the Snitch
You got every kind of lesson,
You got every kind of spell,
But the faculty are masters, and they teach you very well
Though you've always been with Muggles, like your Dad you broke the rules
You'll fit right in at Hogwarts Wizard School
HARRY: I'll fit right in at Hogwarts Wizard School!!
A filk by Shay Carona based on Polka Party! by "Weird Al" Yankovic
Open on your friend and mine, Harry Potter, sitting in an empty classroom and looking a bit depressed. Behind him, the ghost of James Potter appears and begins singing, unnoticed (at least consciously) by his son.
[Sledgehammer/Peter Gabriel]
JAMES: Your parents are proud of you
We've been watching over you for so long
Now you've seen a ghostly stag, glowing
Harry, you can call me "Prongs"
I wanna be... your Patronus
Why don't you call me out?
Ah! Oh, let me be your Patronus
I can finally protect you now... now!
James vanishes as a slightly more cheerful Harry notices Ron Weasley enter the room, along with a few other students. Harry grins at him and turns to us.
[Sussudio/Phil Collins]
HARRY: There's a girl that's been on his mind
All the time
Her-Hermione
Ron immediately launches into a litany of denials as Harry continues -- "No way! Never! I don't know where you heard that, but it's a lie!" etc.
Oh-oh!
Now those two argue every day
But I think she likes him anyway
Yeah, Hermione...
Ron stops his ranting, mouth agape and ears red, then asks, "You really think so?"
Whoa-oh!
Ron recovers from his surprise and begins singing himself. Everyone else in the room has noticed them and is watching with interest.
[Party All the Time/Eddie Murphy]
RON: But my girl wants to
Study all the time, study all the time, study all the time
My girl wants to study all the time
Study all the time
It really is a crime
Harry and Ron finally notice that Hermione Granger has entered when she puts them in a double headlock. She tries to look mad at Ron, but her grin gives her away.
[Say You, Say Me/Lionel Richie]
HERMIONE: Potter, Weasley
And Granger always
That's the way it should be
HARRY: There's me
RON: And me
HERMIONE: And me together
TRIO: Naturally
Abruptly Draco Malfoy and his entourage (Crabbe and Goyle, of course) burst in. Malfoy is grinning lecherously and making eyes at every girl he passes. He seems to think he's Bachelor of the Year or some nonsense like that.
[Freeway of Love/Aretha Franklin]
MALFOY: Hey, let's go riding on my broomstick of love
CRABBE, GOYLE: (He's a million volts)
MALFOY: Girls, let's go riding on my broomstick of love
CRABBE, GOYLE: (It's a new Firebolt)
The trio glare at Malfoy, who rewards them with his trademark smirk.
[What You Need/INXS]
HARRY: More like... a twig...
RON: Ohhh, that's right...
HERMIONE: I would not go near you in a thousand years!
Malfoy snarls at the trio. Harry leaps forward and he and Malfoy almost start a fistfight, but Professor Dumbledore Apparates into the room and pulls them apart.
[Harlem Shuffle/The Rolling Stones]
DUMBLEDORE: [very cheerfully] Ja, ja, ja, do the Hogwarts polka
Everybody now!
ALL: [some with more enthusiasm than others] Ja, ja, ja, do the
Hogwarts polka
Abruptly a Golden Snitch flies past Harry, who grabs it reflexively. Quidditch commentator Lee Jordan pokes his head in, followed by Ginny Weasley and Colin Creevey.
[Venus/Shocking Blue]
LEE: He's caught it
Yeah, baby, he's caught it
Well, he's their Seeker
GINNY: No one's hotter
COLIN: Hooray for Potter!
Enter Professors McGonagall and Snape, deep in an argument.
[Nasty/Janet Jackson]
MCGONAGALL: Nasty! Slytherins are just so cruel
Oh, you Slytherins
SNAPE: Nasty! Gryffindors ignore the rules
Oh, you Gryffindors
Ex-Professor Lockhart wanders in, pursued by several lovestruck women, including Ron and Ginny's mother, Molly Weasley.
RON: I hate this part.
[Rock Me Amadeus/Falco]
MOLLY: [swooning] Oooh! Rock me, Gilderoy!
HERMIONE: [giggling] Oooh! Rock me, Gilderoy!
RON: [sarcastically] Oooh. Rock me, Gilderoy.
LOCKHART: [obviously confused] Who?
Hagrid joins the group, holding a large piece of parchment in his hand.
[Shout/Tears for Fears]
HAGRID: Food! Toys! A house in the weeds
These are the things that my new pet needs
Come on, we've gotta go shop
Come on
Harry stands in the center of the room, in preparation for the final number.
[Papa Don't Preach/Madonna]
HARRY: Oh, Dumbledore, please, I'm in trouble deep
Dumbledore, please, I've been losing sleep
But I've made up my mind
I'm gonna keep fighting
I've gotta keep on fighting
TRIO: We've gotta keep on fighting!
OTHER STUDENTS: (Keep on fighting)
TEACHERS: (Keep on fighting)
MALFOY, CRABBE, GOYLE: [with no enthusiasm at all] (Keep on fighting)
ALL: Hey!
A filk by MagicPoni to the tune of Some Enchanted Evening from Rodgers' and Hammerstein's South Pacific
THE SCENE: Hogwarts Castle
DUMBLDORE:
Some enchanted castle
You may see a teacher
You may see a teacher
Across a classroom
And somehow you know
You know even then
That somewhere you'll see her again and again
RON:
Some enchanted castle
Fred and George are laughing
You may hear them laughing
Across the common room
And night after night
As strange as it seems
The sound of their laughter is followed by screams
SNAPE:
Who can explain it?
Who can tell you why?
Gryffindors get detention
Slytherins always lie!
HERMOINE:
Some enchanted castle
You will find a good book
When you feel like reading
Across the library
HARRY:
Then fly to the Snitch
And score for the team
Or your career in Quidditch is just a dream.
Once you have found it never let it go.
Once you have found it never let it go.
A filk by Deanna Rubin to the tune of Hotel California by the Eagles
On a train station platform
Number 9, more or less
Young wizards are waiting
For the Hogwarts Express
They go off to learn magic
For the next seven years
Instead of boring math and history
Like their poor Muggle peers
When they get to the castle
They're rowed across the moat
And Hagrid surely scares them all
With the creatures that jump at the boat
Then they sit in the hallway
Tired and wet and dripping,
Then the students gather all around
To hear the Sorting Hat sing:
Welcome to the Hogwarts School of Magic
Such a lovely place, for a broomstick race
Plenty of rooms at the Hogwarts School of Magic
Hope you like old ghosts,
'Cause they'll be your hosts...
The brave are Gryffindor's chosen,
The wise fill Ravenclaw's slots.
Hufflepuff has lots of loyalty
While Slytherin plots.
They compete for the House Cup
Swift swooping sweat
Quidditch makes up the most points
That the houses can get
The Defense of the Dark Arts
Puts the profs on the run...
I mean, we haven't seen 'em last a year
Since the start of Book One
Transfiguration and Potions
Are really hard
Chasing skrewts 'till the middle of the night
Running through the yard
Welcome to the Hogwarts School of Magic
Such a lovely place, just like outer space
Plenty of fun at the Hogwarts School of Magic
You can't wave your wand
In the land beyond
Passwords in the portraits,
Fake steps in the stairs, and then there's
Weekend trips for the third-years and up, who
Go to Hogsmeade in pairs.
And in the Great Hall nightly
They gather for a feast
Students gossip about spells and school
And the trolls and other beasts
Last thing of the school year
They're all running for the train
They have to take the Express back
To their homes, magic and mundane
"Just wait," winks Hagrid, as the
Last kids all board finally.
"Yer not allowed to do magic, yeh,
But yer cousin don't know that, now do he?"
A filk by Nicole Lyon to the tune of Castle on a Cloud from Les Miserables
There is a castle on a lake
Maps are no use there, no indeed
It is unplottable you see
That massive castle on the lake
There one can learn about magic
Learn all about how to cast spells
There are lots of classes to take
Up in the castle on the lake
Headmaster's name is Dumbledore
Deputy is McGonagall
Then there's old Binns whose class is a bore
And Snape who intends to settle a score
Come to this place of such wonders
Come walk its old and hallowed halls
Hogwart's Express you'll want to take
To reach the castle on the lake
A filk by Alessandra C. to the tune of Scotland the Brave the Scottish National Anthem
Hark when the night is falling,
Hark hear Hagrid calling
"First-years, this way for the boats to the lake,"
When the Great Hall you're entering,
you'll feel your heart a beating,
Watch the school ghosts coming out through the walls.
School on a mountain high,
My mind I will apply,
And there be sorted in one of its glorious Houses.
School with its own story,
School of an ancient glory,
School of my heart forever, Hogwarts the Great. .
Highly prepared teachers,
Lots of interesting subjects,
Hundreds of volumes to read in its Library.
Under Dumbledore's kind eyes
Go by the students' days,
Merry, until they end up with Madam Pomfrey. .
School on a mountain high,
My mind I will apply,
And there be sorted in one of its glorious Houses.
School with its own story,
School of an ancient glory,
School of my heart forever, Hogwarts the Great. .
Your house is your family,
Always talk about it proudly,
And on the stands support your Quidditch team,
Your triumphs earn house points,
Rule-breaking loose those points,
And if you get detention your smile won't beam. .
School on a mountain high,
My mind I will apply,
And there be sorted in one of its glorious houses.
School with its own story,
School of an ancient glory,
School of my heart forever, Hogwarts the Great. .
A filk by Nicole Lyon to the tune of A Whole New World from Disney's Aladdin.
COLIN
Welcome to this new world
Awesome, enchanted, magic
Tell me, Dennis, did you
Dream of these amazing sights?
Hogwarts opened my eyes
Showed me all of its wonders
Monsters, Dark Lords who plunder
Basilisks that petrify
The wizard world
It's unbelieveable but true
A castle full of ghosts
One thing it boasts
Is a Forbidden Forest
DENNIS
The wizard world
I found it hard to believe you
But now that I am here
It's crystal clear
That your tales of the wizard world were true
COLIN
My tales of the wizard world were true
DENNIS:
I fell into the lake
Something rescued me, it did
You think that it was the squid
And I say how cool is that?
The wizard world
(COLIN: Look there's Harry Potter)
Can't wait to see a Quidditch game
(COLIN: He and I are such good friends)
This place is like a dream
My eyes, they gleam
Never again will my life be the same
COLIN
The wizard world
(DENNIS: So many things to see)
Amazing subjects to pursue
(DENNIS: I just can't keep from gawking)
BOTH:
Nowhere I'd rather be
Than here you see
Sharing the wizard world with my bro
COLIN
The wizard world
DENNIS
The wizard world
COLIN
It's where we'll play
DENNIS
It's where we'll play
COLIN
This magic place
DENNIS
This thrilling space
BOTH
We're here to stay
A filk by Alessandra C. to the tune of Barbie Girl by Aqua
COLIN: Hi Dennis!
DENNIS: Hi Colin!
COLIN: Do you wanna fly on a broom?
DENNIS: Sure Colin!
COLIN: Jump on ...
DENNIS:
I'm a Muggle-born, in a wizards' world
Ghouls in the attic, it's fantastic!
Black robes and pointed hats, ghosts everywhere
Transfiguration, magic is your creation
COLIN:
Come on Dennis, let's do magic!
DENNIS:
I'm a Muggle-born, in a wizards' world
Ghouls in the attic, it's fantastic!
Black robes and pointed hats, ghosts everywhere
Transfiguration, magic is your creation.
DENNIS:
I'm a blond tiny boy, in a magical world
Learning spells, waving wands, it's so funny.
COLIN:
You're my bro, a Gryffindor, show your bravery around,
Classes here, Quidditch there, I'm so happy...
DENNIS:
You can even levitate, if you say: "Wingardium Leviosa"
DENNIS: (uu-oooh-u)
DENNIS:
I'm a Muggle-born, in a wizards' world
Ghouls in the attic, it's fantastic!
Black robes and pointed hats, ghosts everywhere
Transfiguration, magic is your creation.
COLIN: Come on Dennis, let's do magic!
DENNIS: (Ah-ah-ah-yeah)
COLIN: Come on Dennis, let's do magic!
DENNIS: (uu-oooh-u)
COLIN: Come on Dennis, let's do magic!
DENNIS: (Ah-ah-ah-yeah)
COLIN: Come on Dennis, let's do magic!
DENNIS: (uu-oooh-u)
DENNIS:
To be here at Hogwarts, there are few better things
I can fly like a bird on a broom, without wings.
COLIN:
Come jump up, little bro, let us do it again,
On the grounds, fly around, let's do magic!
DENNIS:
You can even levitate, if you say: "Wingardium Leviosa,"
You can even levitate, if you say: "Wingardium Leviosa."
COLIN: Come on Dennis, let's do magic!
DENNIS: (Ah-ah-ah-yeah)
COLIN: Come on Dennis, let's do magic!
DENNIS: (uu-oooh-u)
COLIN: Come on Dennis, let's do magic!
DENNIS: (Ah-ah-ah-yeah)
COLIN: Come on Dennis, let's do magic!
DENNIS: (uu-oooh-u)
DENNIS:
I'm a Muggle-born, in a wizards' world
Ghouls in the attic, it's fantastic!
Black robes and pointed hats, ghosts everywhere
Transfiguration, magic is your creation.
DENNIS:
I'm a Muggle-born, in a wizards' world
Ghouls in the attic, it's fantastic!
Black robes and pointed hats, ghosts everywhere
Transfiguration, magic is your creation.
COLIN: Come on Dennis, let's do magic!
DENNIS: (Ah-ah-ah-yeah)
COLIN: Come on Dennis, let's do magic!
DENNIS: (uu-oooh-u)
COLIN: Come on Dennis, let's do magic!
DENNIS: (Ah-ah-ah-yeah)
COLIN: Come on Dennis, let's do magic!
DENNIS: (uu-oooh-u)
DENNIS: Oh, I'm having so much fun!
COLIN: Well Dennis, we're just getting started.
DENNIS: Oh, I love here Colin!
A filk by Judy Nathanson to the tune of California, Here I Come, first sung by Al Jolson
Hogwarts Castle, here I come
Right back where I started from
Where witches and wizards form student bonds
Enchanting and charming
Everything with magic wands
The owls deliver mail to you
Broomsticks fly and cauldrons brew
Ghosts and portraits wave to you
Dear old Hogwarts, here I come
Hogwarts Castle, here I come
You are now my second home
My house is the best, our points are way up
At Quidditch, we're winning;
Maybe we will win the cup
The feasts are calling me to dine
In the hall dome, candies shine
Magic is a skill divine
Dear old Hogwarts, here I come!
A filk by GiNny to the tune of My Favorite Things from The Sound of Music
HERMIONE:
Twelve-inch-long homeworks and whiskers on Kneazles
Charms and thick textbooks and whizbees that fizzle
Studying Arithmancy on evenings
These are a few of my favorite things
RON:
Every flavor beans and chocolate frog cards
Those lovely fellow Chudley Cannons diehards
Dream of tying Draco Malfoy with strings
These are a few of my favorite things
HARRY:
Chasing gold snitches and defeating Voldy
Fast racing broomsticks, a pig's tail on Dudley
Werewolf professors and useful teachings
These are a few of my favorite things
TRIO:
When Snape's grouchy,
When dementors are up and about,
We simply remember our favorite things
And we will feel glad, no doubt.
A filk by Mariner to the tune of Tradition from Fiddler on the Roof
SCENE: The Great Hall at Hogwarts. Students and teachers serenade the honorable tradition of the four Houses.
STUDENTS AND TEACHERS:
Tradition! Tradition! Tradition!
Tradition! Tradition! Tradition!
SLYTHERINS:
Who, day and night, is a-plotting and a-scheming,
A-lying and a-cheating, playing dirty tricks?
Who uses ends to justify the means,
And can't be trusted worth a damn?
Slytherins! Slytherins! Tradition!
Slytherins! Slytherins! Tradition!
GRYFFINDORS:
Who's not afraid to risk their life and limb?
To fight the fight! To face the foe!
Who's always honorable and chivalrous,
If not exactly sensible and smart?
Gryffindors! Gryffindors! Tradition!
Gryffindors! Gryffindors! Tradition!
RAVENCLAWS:
At three I learned to read and write, at ten I was casting spells.
I hear there's an exam today. I hope I do well.
Ravenclaws! Ravenclaws! Tradition!
Ravenclaws! Ravenclaws! Tradition!
HUFFLEPUFFS:
And who can be relied on to do the hardest work?
Our House is just and loyal, don't treat us like we're dorks!
Hufflepuffs! Hufflepuffs! Tradition!
Hufflepuffs! Hufflepuffs! Tradition!
A filk by Zoe Bromelow to the tune of The National Express by the Divine Comedy.
Take the Hogwarts Express when your life's in a mess
And Voldy's being mean
All student life is here from the little first year
To the strange jelly beans
From Fred Weasley who knows that to have one of those
Would be suicide
To the Prefect with spots
Who bosses him lots with fraternal screams!
And everybody sings....
We're going where the spells run free!
On the Hogwarts Express there's a jolly hostess
Selling chocolate frogs
You'll get bitten with by rats and mauled at by cats
And by giant dogs!
Ron and Hermione fight though neither are right
Looks like love to me
But it's hard to get by when Dementors are tryin'
To eat Harry!
And everybody sings...
We're going where the spells are free!
Tomorrow belongs to me
When term starts and you know that you
Will have nothing better to do
Don't just sit there feeling stressed
Take a trip on the Hogwarts Express!
A filk by Niche Eenhoorn to the tune of Part of Their World from Disney's The Little Mermaid
Look at that place,
isn't it neat,
wouldn't you think that
their lives are complete,
wouldn't you think wizards are
the guys who've got everything,
Look at their school,
wonders untold,
how many secrets can
one castle hold,
just look around and you'll see
yup, they got everything...
They got house elves that clean up their places,
and the best is they do it for free!
you want some magic tricks?
They got thousands!
Yes indeed,
I've seen it,
and want more...
I wanna be where the wizards are,
I wanna see, wanna see their magic,
chanting the words of a.... what do you call it... oh, spell,
waving their wands they can get so far,
they can make potions and turn into rats,
flying around on a... what's that word again... broom...
To where they walk,
swishing their robes,
and to the pubs where they all hang out,
careless and free,
wish I could be,
part of that world.
What would I give if
I could live somewhere in Hogsmeade,
what would I pay
to spend a day at Zonko's shop,
it's really sad,
I can't go there,
cause I am just a simple muggle,
not a single bit of magic
inside my veins...
But I want to learn
what wizard kids learn,
Boggarts and werewolves and animagi,
What's a Crucio and why does it, what's the word... hurt?
Oh please be kind,
give me a chance,
and I will promise to study real hard
Please, make my day
and let me stay
inside your world...
A filk by Indigo Ziona to the tune of Homeward Bound by Simon and Garfunkel...
O.W.Ls is pronounced 'Oh-dubya-ells' to make it scan and rhyme.
RON, HARRY & HERMIONE:
We're going to the railway station
And Hogwarts is our destination
We're going back to learn new spells
And play the pranks that Zonko's sells
Sitting our O.W.L.s
It's time to say our fond farewells
Hogwarts bound
We'll finally be Hogwarts bound
School! Where there's trolls escaping
School! Where there's Quidditch-playing
School! Where there's Snape's berating
Moodily at me\\'85
HARRY: There's practice with the Quidditch team
We'll win again and reign supreme
HERMIONE: Those books don't look too good to me
They're plainly written to appease
RON: Go and get your head fixed, please
What matters is we'll finally be\\'85
RON, HARRY & HERMIONE:
Hogwarts bound
We'll finally be Hogwarts bound
School! There are magic creatures
School! There are loony teachers
School! All those special features
Waiting there for me\\'85
The hat will sing its song again
We eat the feast and meet our friends
All the Hogwarts sights we'll see
The squid and great old whomping tree
Spells and camaraderie
Remind me why I long to be\\'85
Hogwarts bound
We'll finally be Hogwarts bound
HARRY: School! For the Dark Lord fighting!
HERMIONE: School! For the essay-writing!
RON: School! All the food's delighting
Waiting there for me\\'85
A filk by Nimbus 1944 to the tune of When Christmas Comes to Town from Alan Silvestri's score for The Polar Express
HARRY
An Accio's the spell
Retrieving things astray;
Riddikulus done well
Makes boggarts go away.
But no charm has the magic
Of your friends who'll never part;
At Christmas time,
Keep friendship in your heart.
HERMIONE
I know so many charms,
But two do not exist;
To hug in someone's arms,
Or being gently kissed --
Two joys that must be magic,
Yet no incantations start!
At Christmas time,
Keep friendship in your heart.
Faithful ones have joy their goal,
Spreading love at Yule;
It glows and warms your insides like
A fiery magic jewel!
No one need be lonely
On the night of Christmas Eve,
When you know you're loved that way!
RON
When families gather 'round,
Or friend can be with friend
The Christmas song will sound
And never needs to end.
To be a friend or lover
Is the finest magic art;
At Christmas time,
Keep friendship in your heart.
ALL
At Christmas time,
Keep friendship in your heart!
To the tune of Magic to Do from the musical Pippin
THE SCENE: It's Finals Week at Hogwarts, and the TRIO, surrounded by mountains of textbooks, are pulling an all-nighter.
TRIO
Join us........Head for the library
Join us........Head in book to bury
Join us........With caffiene to carry us through
Doo-dle-ee-do
Study....... Study through the night till
We have read through every title
Study........ strange and arcane knowledge pursue
We've got magic review........ to get through
We've got final exams to cram
HERMIONE
I've got Timers to turn....
HARRY
Charms to learn.
RON
Texts of hex to be discerned
TRIO
If we are to earn a "A."
HARRY
Potions.... Naming each ingredient
RON
Dark Arts.... Defense that's expedient
HERMIONE
Magic.... Creatures trained obediently
TRIO
Dee-dle-ee-dee
HERMIONE
Transfigure.... Matches into needles
RON
History.... Emetic the Evil
HARRY
Trelawney\\'85.Knowing what the tea leaves'll see
TRIO
We've got magic review........ to get through
In a multiple test contest
We've got Timers to turn.... Charms to learn
Texts of hex to be discerned
If we are to earn a "A."
Yet another Bighead Girl and MagicPoni creation to the tune of The Twelve Days of Christmas
One of those weird X-Mas songs - Note that the words in parentheses are sound effects
HARRY: On the first day of Hogwarts my Professor gave to me... A Nimbus 2003
(Cool beans!)
RON: On the second day of Hogwarts my Professor gave to me... two chocolate
frogs
(ummm yum!)
HAGRID: On the third day of Hogwarts a stranger gave to me... three headed
dog
woof woof)
McGONAGALL: On the fourth day of Hogwarts the Headmaster gave to me...Four
Dark Arts Teachers
(This job is cursed!)
ALBUS: On the fifth day of Hogwarts my Students gave to me... five Lemon Drops
(my favorite)
DRACO: On the sixth day of Hogwarts my Professor gave to me... six Slyths a
lying
(shut up mudbloods)
OLLIE: On the seventh day of Quidditch my Professor gave to me...seven
Brooms a Flying
(wwweeeeeeeeeee!)
HERMIONE: On the eighth day of Hogwarts my Professor gave to me... eight
Hogwarts A History
(fascinating)
MOODY: On the ninth day of Hogwarts my students gave to me... nine Ferrets
Bouncing
(Neener Neener Neener)
SNAPE: On the tenth day of Hogwarts my students got from me...ten weeks
detention
(LONGBOTTOM!)
FRED/GEORGE: On the eleventh day of Hogwarts my good friends gave to
me...eleven Pranksters Pranking
(want a canary cream?)
VOLDEMORT: On the twelfth day of Hogwarts my servants gave to me...twelve DEs
Running
(Hey come back!)
A filk by Catherine Johnson and Benjamin Wick to the traditonal tune
On the first day of Christmas, the Owl Post brought to me
A new sweater under the tree (Uh, thanks Mrs. Weasley...)
On the second day of Christmas, the Owl Post brought to me
Two best friends (You guys are so great!)
And a new sweater under the tree
On the third day of Christmas, the Owl Post brought to me
Three Dursleys (I'm related to them?)
Two best friends
And a new sweater under the tree
On the fourth day of Christmas, the Owl Post brought to me
Four Hogwarts Houses (Go, Gryffindor!)
Three Dursleys
Two best friends
And a new sweater under the tree
On the fifth day of Christmas, the Owl Post brought to me
Five Golden Snitches (What, I have to catch FIVE?!)
Four Hogwarts Houses
Three Dursleys
Two best friends
And a new sweater under the tree
On the sixth day of Christmas, the Owl Post brought to me
Six Quidditch teammates (We'll win the Cup again this year!)
Five Golden Snitches
Four Hogwarts Houses
Three Dursleys
Two best friends
And a new sweater under the tree
On the seventh day of Christmas, the Owl Post brought to me
Seven years at Hogwarts (I wish I could stay forever!)
Six Quidditch teammates
Five Golden Snitches
Four Hogwarts Houses
Three Dursleys
Two best friends
And a new sweater under the tree
On the eighth day of Christmas, the Owl Post brought to me
Eight books by Lockhart (Oh, goodie)
Seven years at Hogwarts
Six Quidditch teammates
Five Golden Snitches
Four Hogwarts Houses
Three Dursleys
Two best friends
And a new sweater under the tree
On the ninth day of Christmas, the Owl Post brought to me
Nine folks named Weasley (I wonder if they'd consider adopting me?)
Eight books by Lockhart
Seven years at Hogwarts
Six Quidditch teammates
Five Golden Snitches
Four Hogwarts Houses
Three Dursleys
Two best friends
And a new sweater under the tree
On the tenth day of Christmas, the Owl Post brought to me
Ten points from Gryffindor (C'mon, Professor Snape, it's Christmas!)
Nine folks named Weasley
Eight books by Lockhart
Seven years at Hogwarts
Six Quidditch teammates
Five Golden Snitches
Four Hogwarts Houses
Three Dursleys
Two best friends
And a new sweater under the tree
On the eleventh day of Christmas, the Owl Post brought to me
Eleven Slyth'rins scheming (Oh, that's not good)
Ten points from Gryffindor
Nine folks named Weasley
Eight books by Lockhart
Seven years at Hogwarts
Six Quidditch teammates
Five Golden Snitches
Four Hogwarts Houses
Three Dursleys
Two best friends
And a new sweater under the tree
On the twelfth day of Christmas, the Owl Post brought to me
Twelve Veelas dancing (Happy Christmas, indeed!)
Eleven Slyth'rins scheming
Ten points from Gryffindor
Nine folks named Weasley
Eight books by Lockhart
Seven years at Hogwarts
Six Quidditch teammates
Five Golden Snitches
Four Hogwarts Houses
Three Dursleys
Two best friends
And a new sweater under the tree
A filk by Catherine Johnson, Richard Eney, and Dennis Maggard to the tune of The Christmas Song
Lucius roasting on an open fire
Dobby nipping at his nose.
Yuletide Carols sung by Ravenclaw's choir
And Winky dressed in pretty clothes
Everybody knows a turkey and some butterbeer
Help to make the season right
Hufflepuffs with their eyes all aglow
Will find it hard to sleep tonight
They know the Owl Post's on its way
They'll get lots of toys and presents on this day
And every Gryffindor is gonna spy
To see if Neville really knows how to fly
(sorry Neville)
And so I'm offering this simple phrase
To all the kids; yes, Slytherin, too.
Although it's been said many times, many ways
"Happy Christmas to you"
A filk by Stickbook to the tune of Born In The USA by Bruce Springsteen
SCENE: A Mudblood Support Group meeting, CoS-ish
HERMIONE:
Born down in a dentists' town
Not a sign of magic in my whole background
Though I spent some time in a Muggle school
I got something and I'm gonna prove it to you, now
Born in the Muggle world
I was born in the Muggle world
I was born in the Muggle world
Born in the Muggle world, now
JUSTIN FINCH-FLETCHLEY:
My open-minded Dad and Mum,
Though I had a letter from Eton,
Sent me off to a magic land
To learn to be a magic man
Born in the Muggle world
I was born in the Muggle world, now
Born in the Muggle world
I was born in the Muggle world
COLIN CREEVY:
All that crazy stuff that I can do
Is hidden magic breaking out, I never knew!
I found my way to Diagon
And then, soon, to the Lexicon, now
PENELOPE CLEARWATER:
I have a boyfriend, a prefect
Who gives me a lot of respect
But his name is secret
DEAN THOMAS:
Brought up by Muggles in their family
That's all the Theory Bay knows `bout me, now
VOLDEMORT:
Despite a lengthy Wizard lineage
I was left to rot in a Muggle orphanage
All because they can't perform a spell,
I'm gonna make sure they end up in Hell
ALL:
Born in the Muggle world
We were born in the Muggle world, now
Born in the Muggle world
VOLDEMORT:
They will all pay dearly in the Muggle world
ALL:
Born in the Muggle world
Born in the Muggle world
Born in the Muggle world
VOLDEMORT:
I'll get my brutal vengeance on the Muggle world, now!
A filk by Eric Oppen to the tune of The Female of the Species/Ladies in the SCA as sung by Leslie Fish (via Rudyard Kipling)
There is one thing that you notice when you get to Hogwarts School,
That it has both boys and girls there, and there's just one simple rule
That will keep you sane and breathing as you hit the Hogwarts trail:
That the female found at Hogwarts is more deadly than the male!
There's Professor M. McGonagall, Assistant Headmistress,
Though she may look pretty harmless she can cause you some distress!
She knows Transfiguration and can turn you to a snail
And the female found at Hogwarts is more deadly than the male!
You may run into the well-meaning Hermione Granger
But if you get in her way you will soon be in danger!
For revenge is just another thing at which she'll never fail
And the female found at Hogwarts is more deadly than the male!
And her housemate Ginny Weasley is another potent threat
She's as clever as her brothers and nobody's caught her yet!
With Fred and George as role-models, how can she not prevail?
And the female found at Hogwarts is more deadly than the male!
There's that dreamy-eyed blonde Ravenclaw we call Luna Lovegood,
You may dis her daddy's paper but I don't think that you should,
For she'll feed you to the snorkacks and she'll giggle while you wail
And the female found at Hogwarts is more deadly than the male!
The Death Eaters also have them, as with Bellatrix Lestrange,
She's a sadist who'll zap you if she sees that you're in range
And she killed her cousin Sirius, sent him flying through the Veil,
And the evil Hogwarts Old Girl is more deadly than the male!
For the Slytherins are sneaky, and the Gryffindors are fierce,
And the Ravenclaws' raw knowledge gives defense no one can pierce,
And the Hufflepuffs' hard labor is what makes the good prevail
And the female found at Hogwarts is more deadly than the male!
A filk by Ellen Anglin based on The Pekes and the Pollicles from Cats by Andrew Lloyd Webber
Of the awful battle of the Gryffs and the Slytherins
Together with some account
Of the participation of the Huffs and the 'Claws
And the intervention of the Great Dumbledore
The Gryffs and the Slytherins everyone knows
Are proud and implacable passionate foes
It is always the same wherever one goes
And the Huffs and the 'Claws although most of them say
That they do not like fighting yet once in a way
They whip out their wands and join in the fray
And they...
Spark! Spark! Spark! Spark!
Spark! Spark! SPARK! SPARK!
Just watch Hexes flying all over the park!
Now on the occasion of which I shall speak
The tension was building for nearly a week
And on Bonfire night that when things hit the fan
The prefects were missing, all gone to a man
I don't know the reason, but most people think
They'd slipped off to The Three Broomsticks for a drink
And nobody knows who was in Hogsmeade square
When the Gryff and the Slytherin forces met there
They did not advance , they refused to retreat
But they glared at each other and shuffled their feet
And started to...
Spark! Spark! Spark! Spark!
Spark! Spark! SPARK! SPARK!
Just watch Hexes flying all over the park!
And they...
Spark! Spark! Spark! Spark!
Spark! Spark! SPARK! SPARK!
Just watch Hexes flying all over the park!
Now the Slytherin snakes with a look cold as ice
Faced the Lions and tried to turn cats into mice
And so all the Huffs, when they heard the uproar
Came rushing right out of the Honeydukes store
Soon gathered a dozen, or maybe a score
The backed up the lions and started to glare
The tension was thick like dark smoke in the air
The 'Claws smelling trouble turned up in a wink
Ravens are war birds and like a good stink!
Wizards and Witches of every sort
Turned up to sort out the mess
Gathering round to join in the sport
But to starting it no one will 'fess
It began with a simple retort;
"Give way? Arse off! We'll not knuckle under."
Let my meaning be perfectly plain
We're the best house at Hogwarts by Thunder!
And you'd best not give us sass again!"
Now you know any beater can strike a right fair blow
And any good seeker is fast on their feet
The teams lined right up wands in hand in good order
To defend yet again against House defeat.
Then the Gryffs and the Slyths held no longer aloof
But with back up snipers firing down from the roof
Join to the din with a...
Spark! Spark! Spark! Spark!
Spark! Spark! SPARK! SPARK!
Just watch Hexes flying all over the park!
Dirumpo! Conturbo! Inflatio! Dormio!
Obfirmo! Prurigo! Percello! Succendo!*
Hear them tossing hexes all over the Park
When these bold heroes in battle assembled
The townsfolk all ran and behind curtains trembled
And some of the neighbors were so much afraid
That they started to call up the Aurors Brigade
When suddenly right in the midst of the roar
Who should appear but our hero Albus Dumbledore
His hands filled with power most fearfully blazing
He banished the spells with an ease most amazing
And when he looked about at each shocked student face
Every ruffian had been set back in his place.
With a few taken points and a word about rules
The disheartened armies were sent back to school
And when the Night Auror returned to his beat
There wasn't a student left out in the street
All thanks and buy drinks for the great Dumbledore!
Slyths and Griffs, must when they meet
Huffs and 'Claws in Hogsmeade streets
When teachers are watching, simply retreat.
*Spell Translations; Break in pieces!, Confusion!, Fart!, Sleep!, Lock up!, Itch!, Catch on fire!
A filk by Eileen to the tune of the Veggie Tales' The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything
We are the Students Who Don't Do Anything
We just study and mill around
And if you ask us to do anything
We'll just tell you, we don't do anything
NATALIE MACDONALD:
Well, I haven't seen the Burrow and
I haven't been to Gringotts.
GRAHAM PRITCHARD:
And I never got to take part in that
Quidditch World Cup brawl.
STEPHEN CORNFOOT:
And you won't find me in Canon, and
I'm mighty rare in fanon.
ALL: And we never got invited to the Ball.
(Refrain)
NOTT:
Well, I haven't got a gender and my House is up
for tender.
BLAISE ZABINI:
And I'm never mean to Harry 'cause I
never talk at all
MORAG MACDOUGALL:
And I've never played at Quidditch
and I've never got detention,
ALL: And we never got invited to the Ball.
\\\{Refrain\\\}
SALLY-ANNE PERKS:
Well, I've never laughed at Quirrell,
and I've never crushed on Lockhart
TRACEY DAVIS:
And I've never been applauded or saluted
in the Hall.
SUSAN BONES:
And I haven't had a close-up. I mean,
outside of movies.
ALL: And we never got invited to the Ball.
\\\{Refrain\\\}
QUEENIE GREENGRASS:
And I've never flubbed at Potions
and I didn't date a Weasley.
KEVIN WHITBY:
And I don't crusade for House-Elves, and
I don't defend the small.
ORLA QUIRKE:
And I've never been a Beater and I
haven't filled in Skeeter.
ALL: And we never got invited to the Ball.
A filk by Pippin to the tune of One Hundred Bottles of Beer
One thousand students at Hogwarts in all
One thousand students in all
Sitting at tables or crowding the Ball
One thousand students at Hogwarts in all
Eight hundred students at Hogwarts in all
Eight hundred students in all
Two hundred Slyths hoping Harry will fall
Four times two hundred are students in all
Two hundred eighty are students in all
Two hundred eighty in all
Seven years, Houses four, ten per roll call
Makes two hundred eighty at Hogwarts, that's all
How many students at Hogwarts in all
How many students in all
You'll be excused for being bemused
Someone named Jo has her numbers confused.
NOTE: For more on the student population controversy, visit the Hogwarts FAQ at the Harry Potter Lexicon (scroll down to the section titled The Student Population at Hogwarts).
A filk by JustJeanette to the tune of the same name
Dashing through the snow
In a Thestral-drawn sleigh
Home to Hogwarts we go
Laughing all the way
Wands a casting spells
Malfoy's on the floor
Ron he tripped him up again
And threw him through the door.
[chorus]
Dumbledore, what a bore, and here he goes again
Telling us that things are great when Voldy's on the loose.
Hey, Dumbledore, still a bore, and still he goes along
Harry he will save us all, and that's his favorite song.
Snape is in the Dungeons
Dreading Christmas Cheer
Glory, fame and fortune
They are bottled here
Subtle arts he's knowing
Wand waving he disdains
Feel the liquids power
Creeping through your veins
[chorus]
Minerva's in her tartans
The trio does she seek
They've gone and snuck off again
The fourteenth time this week
Her Seeker she is wanting
Quidditch is about to start
Severus thinks they'll win this time
When Harry falls apart
[chorus]
To the tune of Billy Joe McGuffrey (aka First Aid in the First Grade), from Jonah: A Veggie Tales Movie
NOTE: The original song parodies a silly nonsense songs that one might sing around a campfire. Euan Abercrombie is the youth who is first sorted in OOP by the Hat after it has prophesied mayhem and division in the immediate future. Just as Tom Lehrer selected the name Nicolai Ivanovich Lobachevsky for purely prosodic purposes, so I selected the name of Mr. Abercrombie (I need six syllables)
Now Euan Abercrombie was a really dorky kid.
On the first day of First Year, I'll tell you what he did.
He's called up by the Sorting Hat, but much to his disgrace
He trips over his brand-new robes and falls flat on his face.
It was the worst fear for a First Year.
Worst fear for a First Year.
Worst fear for a First Year.
Even You-Know-Who could not be scarier, it's clear!
Oh, Euan Abercrombie was a really dorky kid.
On the second day of Second Year, I'll tell you what he did.
He tried out for the Quidditch team, and for the Snitch he zoomed
Then a Bludger creamed him and he fell off of his broom
It was the worst fear for a Second Year.
Worst fear for a Second Year.
Worst fear for a Second Year.
Even You-Know-Who could not be scarier, it's clear!
Now, Euan Abercrombie was a really dorky kid,
On the third day of Third Year I'll tell you what he did.
He planned a trip to Hogsmeade town that sounded so divine
But then he lost his mother's note and had to stay behind
It was the worst fear for a Third Year.
Worst fear for a Third Year.
Worst fear for a Third Year.
Even You-Know-Who could not be scarier, it's clear!
Now, Euan Abercrombie was a really dorky kid,
On the fourth day of Fourth Year I'll tell you what he did.
He took a stroll beside the lake but on a puddle slid
Fell into the water and went Shipping with the Squid
It was the worst fear for a Fourth Year.
Worst fear for a Fourth Year.
Worst fear for a Fourth Year.
Even You-Know-Who could not be scarier, it's clear!
Now, Euan Abercrombie was a really dorky kid,
On the fifth day of Fifth Year I'll tell you what he did.
He tried to play a trick on Snape but Filch forced a delay
Snape gave him detention and took 50 points away
It was the worst fear for a Fifth Year.
Worst fear for a Fifth Year.
Worst fear for a Fifth Year.
Even You-Know-Who could not be scarier, it's clear!
Oh, Euan Abercrombie was a really dorky kid.
On the sixth day of Sixth Year, I'll tell you what he did.
He sticks his magic wand in the back pocket of his jeans
It took Madam Pomfrey one whole week to stitch his seams
It was the worst fear for a Sixth Year.
Worst fear for a Sixth Year.
Worst fear for a Sixth Year.
Even You-Know-Who could not be scarier, it's clear!
Now, Euan Abercrombie was a really dorky kid,
On the final week of Seventh Year I'll tell you what he did.
He had to take all of his NEWTS - so what happened, here's a hint
He has to do the very thing once done by Marcus Flint
It was the worst fear for a Seventh Year.
Worst fear for a Seventh Year.
Worst fear for a Seventh Year.
Even You-Know-Who could not be scarier, it's clear!
A filk by The Stillness of Saturn to the tune of Good Charlotte's The Click.
This filk is sort of a House Fight Song, but more of a fighting houses song
SLYTHERINS: Just because I show
My Salazar Slytherin
You think you know
I'm bad and where I have been.
HUFFLEPUFFS: You Slytherins,
'Cause I am in Hufflepuff,
You think that I am
No more than just a cream puff.
RAVENCLAWS: I read a book
So you think that I'm too smart.
We Ravenclaws
Are more than just the brain part
But we don't care what you say.
SLYTHERINS: We don't like you anyway.
We'll snub you in the hallways,
But anyway...
HUFFLEPUFFS: You go out on Friday night.
RAVENCLAWS: We study, get answers right.
ALL: But we have found a house
To call our own.
This dorm,
That dorm,
We don't care.
Your dorm,
Our dorm,
We can't share,
But we have found
A house to call our own.
Just go!
GRYFFINDORS: So come and join Harry,
Be the best you can be.
Gryffindor will triumph
When you join our Quidditch team.
HUFFLEPUFFS: One day we all look back
And we will share some laughs.
SLYTHERINS: 'Cause we called you foul names
As soon as you turned your backs.
GRYFFINDORS: But we don't care what you say.
SLYTHERINS: We don't like you anyway.
RAVENCLAWS: Our years go by like a daze,
But anyway...
HUFFLEPUFFS: We'll get through ev'ry day.
RAVENCLAWS: We'll keep learning just the same.
SLYTHERINS: We will always get our way,
But anyway...
GRYFFINDORS: You go out on Friday night.
We stay in, get in big fights.
ALL: But we have found a house
To call our own.
This dorm,
That dorm,
We don't care.
Your dorm,
Our dorm,
We can't share,
'But we have found
A house to call our own.
RAVENCLAWS: They aren't that bad.
GRYFFINDORS: But we think they are.
HUFFLEPUFFS: They are.
GRYFFINDORS: They are.
SLYTHERINS: But anyway...
We stay up on Friday night.
You nod off, put out the lights.
ALL: But we have found a house
To call our own.
This dorm,
That dorm,
We don't care.
Your dorm,
Our dorm,
We can't share,
But we have found
A house to call our own.
Just go!
RAVENCLAWS: But anyway...
GRYFFINDORS: We don't need you anyway.
HUFFLEPUFFS: We don't need you anyway.
SLYTHERINS: We don't like you anyway.
A filk by Emily Potter set to an original tune.
MALFOY:(spoken) We will win the cup of course....
HARRY:(spoken) Yea,right!
CEDRIC: No, this time we will beat you
CHO: Oh? What if we win?
(music)
RON: I know the house that's going to win........
HARRY: Gryffindor! Gryffindor! (pause) Gryffindor! Gryffindor!
HERMINONE: Brave at heart, yet friendly and nice!
FRED: What house is that?
GEORGE: Gryffindor, Gryffindor! Gryffindor, Gryffindor!
MALFOY: Sillyyyyyyyy (drags out word) Gryffindors!
GOYLE: Silly indeed
CRABBE: For,the winner is........
NOTT: Slytherin...powerful Slytherin
MALFOY: Cunning Slytherin
CEDRIC: (spoken ) Hear that? (sings)They think theyyyy (drags word) will win
HUFFLEPUFF HEAD GIRL: We will win, it is so obvious
HUFFLEPUFF HEAD BOY: We will win! We will win!
CEDRIC: What house will win?
HUFFLEPUFF HEAD GIRL: Who will win?
HUFFLEPUFF HEAD BOY: Ravenclaw?
HUFFLEPUFF HEAD GIRL: No!
HUFFLEPUFF HEAD BOY: Slytherin?
HUFFLEPUFF HEAD GIRL: No!
CEDRIC: Us!
CHO: They thought they could win..
RAVENCLAW HEAD GIRL: They are WRONG
RAVENCLAW HEAD BOY: WE WILL WIN
CHO: WE ARE THE STARS!
RAVENCLAW HEAD BOY: Not last
RAVENCLAW HEAD GIRL: Or third
CHO: But us! Us!
GRYFFINDOR: We will win!
RAVENCLAW: Not a chance!
SLYTHERIN: Yea! The cup is ours
HUFFLEPUFF: Never! Not a chance!
DUMBLEDORE (spoken): The last place goes to.....Slytherin
SLYTHERIN: (sings) Are you kidding!
DUMBLEDORE (singing) Third Place....Hufflepuff!
HUFFLEPUFF: Oh no!
DUMBLEDORE Then Ravenclaw...(singing now)
RAVENCLAW: Second!?
GRYFFINDOR: WE WIN!!!!!
A filk by Constance Vigilance to the "tune" (such as it is) of Adam Sandler's The Hanukkah Song.
There are lots of Christmas songs in the HP filkdom, but isn't it time for us to recognize our diversity?
ANTHONY GOLDSTEIN:
Wearing my yalmulka, at Hogwarts for Hanukkah
Let's get harmonic-kah and sing out for Hanukkah!
The Great Hall has twelve fairy-lighted trees
But how about one menorah, Headmaster, pretty please?
When you feel like the only kid in town without a Xmas tree,
Here's a list of wizards who are Jewish, just like you and me:
You should visit Madam Malkin, for robes without peer,
And also Cassandra Vablatsky, the celebrated seer.
Bertie Botts whose Every Flavours makes each day a bit sweeter
Josef Wronski who feinted and most likely Rita Skeeter. [1]
Oswald Beamish, who pioneered goblin rights [2]
Was probably one who celebrated Eight Crazy Nights.
You don't need Deck the Halls although Jingle Bell works
But you can buy and sell goods down at Borgin and Burke's
(spoken:both Jewish!)
Nicolas Flamel wasn't Jewish in history,
But without Abraham the Jew, the Stone would be shrouded in mystery.
[3]
One guy who most likely has a six-point star under his cape
Is our dark-featured hook-nosed Professor Severus Snape!
Perhaps Hannah Abbott, but her beau Ernie Macmillan
I'm sure, would convert before they ever have chillen. [4]
And then there's Ms Brocklehurst whose first name is Mandy
She's a Ravenclaw who could be a Jew and that's handy.
Jews in the pop group Weird Sisters of show biz--
Orsino Thruston isn't Jewish, but maybe lead singer Myron Wagtail is.
Tell your friend Hermione-kah, its time you celebrate Hanukkah
I hope I don't sound whiny-kah, on this lovely, lovely Hanukkah.
Jews Muggle and Magical marry outside the blood long since
But doesn't it make you wonder about the blood of the Half-Blood
Prince?
[1]Ok, so her name isn't remotely Jewish, but she reminded me so
much of Joan Rivers I made a logical jump.
[2] So many civil rights pioneers are Jewish that I made another
logical assumption.
[3] Abraham the Jew was essential in translating the tablets that
led to the development of the Philosoper's Stone.
[4] I apologize.
A filk by Tann to the tune of Put on Your Sunday Clothes from Hello, Dolly! by Jerry Herman
HARRY:
Out there,
Put on your wizard robes, because we're almost there!
Put on your wizard robes! We'll smash the Slytherins,
HARRY AND RON:
HERMIONE:
HERMIONE AND NEVILLE:
HERMIONE, NEVILLE, AND GINNY:
HERMIONE, NEVILLE, GINNY, AND CHORUS:
MALFOY, CRABBE, AND GOYLE:
FEMALE CHORUS:
MALE CHORUS:
HERMIONE, NEVILLE, GINNY AND CHORUS:
HARRY, RON AND CHORUS:
MALFOY, CRABBE, GOYLE AND CHORUS:
HARRY, RON, HERMIONE, NEVILLE, GINNY, MALFOY, CRABBE, GOYLE AND CHORUS:
FIRST YEARS' CHORUS:
FEMALE CHORUS:
MALE AND FEMALE CHORUS:
HARRY, RON, HERMIONE, NEVILLE, GINNY, MALFOY, CRABBE, GOYLE, AND CHORUS:
CHORUS:
HERMIONE (spoken):
sung, in the manner of a conductor, echoed by Chorus:
Huffle-PUFF! (Huffle-PUFF!)
HARRY, RON, HERMIONE, AND CHORUS:
HARRY (TO MALFOY):
Harry, Ron, and Hermione fling them off the train.
MALFOY, CRABBE, AND GOYLE (screamed):
HARRY, RON, HERMIONE AND CHORUS:
HERMIONE:
HARRY, RON, HERMIONE, NEVILLE, GINNY AND CHORUS:
A filk by Rohan to the theme from Animaniacs
TRIO: It's time for Pottermaniacs,
FRED AND GEORGE: Come join the Weasley brothers,
TRIO: We're Pottermaniacs.
Meet Voldie and Wormtail who want to rule the universe.
ALL: We're Pottermaniacs.
LUCIUS: I'm in great painy!
TRIO: Pottermaniacs!
* Feel free to come up with your own alternatives for these lines.
A filk by R.J. Lupin to the tune of I Wish I Could Go Back to College from the musical Avenue Q. Just a little reflection the Trio make on their happier times at Hogwarts, and how they wish they could go back to them.
HERMIONE:
Ron and Hermione both give a loud sigh
HARRY:
ALL:
RON:
We could be
HARRY:
HARRY:
A filk by The Blibbering Humdingers to the tune of The Chipmunk Song by Alvin and the Chipmunks
All right class! Ready to sing your song?
Hoggy Warty School so dear
Okay kids get ready
Umbridge looks just like a toad
Very good, class
Put On Your Wizard Robes
Out there,
There's a school that they call Hogwarts!
What my uncle calls a slick con, easily,
Is no trick, Ron Weas-le-y!
Full of magic and enchantment -
Is it just a lie, a show done queasily?
No, Ron Weas-le-y!
Pack up your wand, and give your owl a rouse.
We're gonna find adventure on each moving stair.
Gryffindor
Greets us with a roar
As we score some more for the House!
And start with Draco Malfoy, that low louse.
We'll catch each Snitch
On the Quidditch pitch,
And each witch to us will look up,
And we won't come home until we've won the Cup!
Put on your wizard robes when you feel like a Squib.
With pointy hat a witch just can't feel low.
It's better still with raven quill and sharpened nib,
A tabby cat,
An owl, toad, or rat,
For a supernatural glow!
When magic wands appear the world's a clear, sweet song,
A Classic spell you may well find in Loeb's!
Though it be snowing,
Your mantle's glowing
With stars and crescents and globes,
For it's sun, not blizzard, in your wizard -
No blizzard in your wizard -
No blizzard in your wizard robes!
Put on your wizard robes when you've a hex to cast.
In hoods and masks your spells hurt all the worse.
Dressed like a dream a Mudblood's scream is such a blast.
A flowing cape,
In the style of Snape,
Adds panache and verve to your curse!
With broom beneath your arm the world's a charm so strong!\\'a6
It makes your troubles shrink down to microbes!
Get out your britches -
Your Golden Snitches -
Your racks, and thumbscrews, and probes -
For it's sun, not blizzard, in your wizard robes!
Put on your wizard robes to face the Giant Squid.
A dapper look will help in that ordeal.
Dress nattily and you may be relieved you did.
If it's impressed
With the way you're dressed,
Then it might not make you its meal!
Beneath your wishing-cap the world's a happy song -
A lovely lay like minstrels playing "Aubes"!
Get out your Kneazles,
Your Jarvey-weasels,
Your Clabberts flashing like strobes,
For it's sun, not blizzard, in your wizard robes!
Ginny, no more diaries -- they are far too Slytherinny!
Neville, don't be nervous -- get a grip.
Mr. Potter, Mr. Weasley, don't forget Neville and Ginny -
Just in case they try to form a secret ship!
Raven-CLAW! (Raven-CLAW!)
Gryffin-DOR! (Slyther-IN! Huffle-PUFF! Raven-CLAW! Gryffin-DOR!)
Put on your wizard robes, because we're almost there!
Put your House jumper on and don your tie.
We're gonna find adventure on each moving stair:
We three, old pal,
Find you lot banal -
So Crabbe, Goyle, and Malfoy, good-bye!
Yah!
Put on your scholar's gown, and down upon our toes
We'll wear a Common Welsh Green dragon shoe!
I've read they use the cast-off hides!
Now, clad in V-Necks
We'll join the Phoenix,
And this, I promise, is true,
That we won't come home -
No, we won't come home -
No, we won't come home till we beat You-Know-Who!
Pottermaniacs
And we're crazy to the max.
So just sit back and relax,
You'll laugh 'till you collapse.
We're Pottermaniacs.
GINNY: And the Weasley sister Gin.
FRED, GEORGE & GINNY: Just for fun we're terrorizing all of Slytherin.
They make us polish trophies when someone dobs us in,
Just take our word, it's not absurd: don't mess with Weasley kin.
Ginny's cute and Harry yaks.
Ronald packs away the snacks
While Hermione raids the stacks.
We're Pottermaniacs.
The firsties stick together, Draco zaps 'em with a curse.
Argus chases Peevesie, while Rita writes a verse.
The writer flipped, they're using ships, someone'll need a hearse.
We have light and dark contacts.
We're crazy to the max,
There's canaries in our snacks,
We're Pottermani, toally insaney,
SIRIUS: Hiding out in Spainy.
HARRY: Snape's detainee. *
Those are the facts.
I Wish I Could Go Back to Hogwarts
I wish I could go back to Hogwarts
Back to the very first year
RON:
I want to see how it used to be
When we came so excitedly here
I wish I could go back to Hogwarts
The place where I fin'lly fit in
Although it was weird
To hear "Merlin's beard,
Harry Potter, is that really him?"
How do I go back to Hogwarts?
I don't like what the world has become
HARRY:
I wanna go back to my dorm
And get the Invisibility Cloak for some fun
Whoaa....
I wish I could just ride my broom
Or play chess the whole day
HERMIONE:
Or take ten classes
HARRY:
Or start the D.A.
ALL:
I need something to help me return and live life that way
Sitting in the Potions dungeon
Freaking out because the potion just isn't right
Cursing at Snape just because we all hate him
And not yet knowing who he'd kill one night
I wish I could go back to Hogwarts
ALL:
How do I get back to Hogwarts?
Ahh...
I wish I could just go see Dumble
RON:
But, if I were to go back to Hogwarts
My reason why isn't clear
Though safe it appeared, I think, "Merlin's beard"
ALL:
We went through so much danger each year
Albus and the Chipmunks
-I'll say we are!
-Yeah!
-Let's sing it now!
Okay, Hermione?
-Okay!
Okay, Ron?
-Okay!
Okay, Harry? Harry? HARRY?!
-OKAY!!!)
Chocolate Frogs and Butterbeer
This time things don't look so good
Dementors in my neighborhood
Umbridge looks just like a toad
I just want my Firebolt
Fred and George left with a bang
And I just kissed Cho Chang
That was very good, Hermione.
-Naturally.
Very good Ron.
-Ahhh.
Ah, Harry, you were a little flat, watch it.
Ah, Harry? Harry? HARRY?!
-OKAY.
I just want my Firebolt
Fred and George left with a bang
And I just kissed Cho Chang
Fred and George left with a bang
And I just kissed Cho Chang
-Lets sing it again! Yeah, let's sing it again!
No, That's enough, lets not overdo it
-What do you mean overdo it?
-We want to sing it again!
Now wait a minute, kids
-Why can't we sing it again?
-[chipmunk chatter] Stupefy, Petrificus Totalus, Levi Corpus, Protego,
Crucio! Obliviate-
Harry, cut that out..Ron, just a minute.
Hermione that's 10 points from Gryffindor. Oh you'll get detention for
that one. You'll get detention with Snape…
Hogwarts Students and Families