Hermione Granger

*=Post-OOP
**=Post-HBP

Copyright 2001-2003 by Caius Marcius, except Hermione and Granger Copyright 2002 by Mariner; My Hair Copyright 2002 by Marilyn Malfoy; When You Got It, Wand It Copyright 2002 by Kit; Poor Much Uninformed Boys Copyright 2002 by Gryffleraverin; Hermione Copyright 2002 by Ravenclaw Chaser; Her-my-oh-nee (Story of a Girl) Copyright 2002 by Annie Llewellyn; Hermione Copyright 2003 by Melody; The Know-It-All of Gryffindor, Official Reporter of Hogwarts' History, Our Angel, Our Hermione and Time-Turner Girl Copyright 2003-2005 by Ginger; Harry Do Take Care Copyright 2003 by Meg D.; Hermione Copyright 2003 by Darrin; Baby Got Brains Copyright 2003 by Terra; Hermione Can! Copyright 2003 by QoE; Hermy, You're a Boy's Best Friend Copyright 2003 by Kirstini; OWL Tests at Hogwarts Copyright 2004 by Iggy McSnurd; My Strongest Read and Stop! In the Name of Stress Copyright 2004 by R.J. Lupin; Every Mud's a Buddy Copyright 2004 by Prankoholic; An Intelligent Girl Copyright 2004 by The Final Stillness of Saturn; How Do You Solve a Problem Like Hermione? Copyright 2005 by bribitribbit; Hermione Copyright 2005 by Jim Lucas; Hermione Copyright 2007 by Nymphadora; The Auror World Copyright 2007 by LovCedricdiggory

A filk by Melody to the tune of Macavity from Lloyd Webber's Cats

HARRY:
Hermione's a clever witch
She's called the teacher's pet
For she's the smartest Gryffindor
Who can out mark the rest
She's a silly girl to Severus Snape
Her hand high in the air
For when he posed a question, then Hermione's right there.

Hermione, Hermione, there's no witch like Hermione
She masters every wizard spell
She's memorized its history
Her powers of petrification would make Neville fall square
For when a spell is needed, then Hermione's right there.

You may see her in the library
Piled high with books to spare
And I tell you once and once again
Hermione's right there.

RON
Hermione's a witty girl
Her tongue is quick and fierce
You would know her if you heard her
For her voice is rather pierce
Her mind is racing deep in thought
her hair is highly teased
Her back is weighted by her bag
her front teeth are for cheese
She waves her wand from side to side
With a swish and a flick
And when you think there is no hope
Her logic does the trick!

Hermione, Hermione, there's no witch like Hermione
Remembered flames for Devil's Snare
Solved the Chamber mystery
Her answers win them house points
Aced Lockhart's questionnaire
For when perfection's needed then, Hermione's right there.

HARRY: She's usually respectable
RON: I know she slapped Malfoy
HARRY: And you won't find her name in any files in Filch's drawers.

RON: But when the bathroom's empty
HARRY: Or a prof's robe's on fire
RON: Or when the boomslang's missing
HARRY: Or another bug's a liar
RON: Or the kitchen's pear is tickled
HARRY: And the elves are in despair
BOTH: There's a wonder of the thing, Hermione's right there.

BOTH:
Hermione, Hermione, there's no witch like Hermione
There never was a witch of such intelligence and ability
She always has an answer and one or two to spare
Whatever time's the essay's due, Hermione's right there.

And they say that all homework that could be copied easily
HARRY: I might mention divination,
RON: I might mention history
BOTH: Are nothing more than knowledge held by this smart know-it-all
Who will never let us copy
Can you imagine, her gall?

Hermione, Hermione, there's no witch like Hermione
For she's a witch with Muggle blood
A fighter of elf tyranny
Her loyalty never wavers
In her heart she deeply cares
For when a friend's in trouble then, Hermione's right there.

A filk by Ravenclaw Chaser to the tune of the theme song from Disney's Pepper Ann

SCENE: Hermione is walking down the halls of Hogwarts in the midst of STUDENTS who begin to sing her praises. For the purposes of this filk (and because I can't stand either of them) Parvati and Lavender are being less than friendly toward Hermione.

STUDENTS IN HALLWAY:
Here she is, what a switch
Here at Hogwarts to be a witch
No one in her family's magic
Hermione

Here she is, can you guess
Who can put her to the test?
At Hogwarts, she's the best
Hermione

Hermione, Hermione
Logic is her game
Hermione, her friends are Harry and Ron

Hermione, Hermione
Krum just can't say her name
Hermione, the next Gryffindor prefect

PARVATI PATIL and LAVENDER BROWN both emerge from the crowd to snipe at Hermione.

PARVATI (whispered to LAVENDER with disdain):
Hermione?

LAVENDER (whispered back):
The girl who walked out of Divination class?

PARVATI:
Yeah, that's her.

LAVENDER:
Oh…
Who's she that she gets her own song?

HERMIONE (oblivious to PARVATI and LAVENDER):
Has anyone seen my Arithmancy book?

HARRY and RON:
Hermione, Hermione
Rarely thought of as a girl
Hermione, she's just one of the guys

Hermione, Hermione
Much too cool for the Muggle world
Hermione, the cleverest witch at Hogwarts
She figured out the Basilisk, Hermione

HERMIONE:
Oh look, another A!

HARRY and RON:
Where'd we be without Hermione?

A filk by Darrin to the tune of Kryptonite by 3 Doors Down

Scene: HERMIONE in the library, alone, looking up charms and spells for Harry to use during the Third Task. She finally slams the book down.

HERMIONE
I came here and hit the books
To find you some more nifty spells
I ditched an owl from Krum
To keep your bony ass from Hell

I find you and Ron
Playing chess and reading Quidditch books
I give such dirty looks, yeah

I find you and Ron
Playing chess and reading Quidditch books
And I know that if you live
It's up to me
I really don't care, if you ignore me now and then
As long as you respect me as the smart friend

If you don't listen then you
Won't make it through the task
You can rely on me or
On old Mad-Eye with his flask
I find the spell to get you through
With my superhuman IQ

Hermione

You say I'm pushy, you say I'm mad
But without me you would be had
Don't you forget that it was me
Who set old Snape on fire
You stumbled in and saw those jars
Without my logic you would be barred
I grabbed your hand, turned my glass
And back in time we went

If you don't listen then you
Won't make it through the task
You can rely on me or
On old Mad-Eye with his flask
I'll find the spell to get you through
With my superhuman IQ

Hermione
Yeah!!

repeat chorus

A filk by Jim Lucas to the tune of The Beatles Let It Be

Harry is singing this song on the train home from Hogwarts at the end of Sorceror's Stone.

HARRY:
Well I met her on the train to Hogwarts
She burst in on Ron and me
Speaking with her nose up, Hermione.
She had bushy dark brown hair
And she had large front teeth, you see
She spoke very quickly, Hermione.

(Chorus)
Hermione, Hermione, Hermione, Hermione.
She spoke so darn quickly, Hermione.
And when the Sorting Hat had spoken
Gryffindor was where she'd be
Ron and I would join her, Hermione.
And when Snape asked me potions questions
She raised her hand excitedly
She had all the answers, Hermione.

(Chorus)
Hermione, Hermione, Hermione, Hermione.
Yes, she had all the answers, Hermione.
Hermione, Hermione, Hermione, Hermione.
She really tried to help me, Hermione.
Hermione, Hermione, Hermione, Hermione.
She had all the answers, Hermione.

And when a troll came in one night,
We saved her in the lavat'ry,
She got very lucky, Hermione.
When we hunted down Flamel's Stone
She helped solve the mystery
She solved Snape's word puzzle, Hermione.

(Chorus)
Hermione, Hermione, Hermione, Hermione.
She had all the answers, Hermione.
Hermione, Hermione, Hermione, Hermione,
She helped save the castle, Hermione.

To the tune of Lydia The Tattooed Lady as sung by Groucho Marx

THE SCENE: The Gryffindor common room. Enter HARRY, NEVILLE, GEORGE, FRED and RON, all sporting greasepaint mustaches and brandishing large cigars. They gather round the piano, at which Dean Thomas performs

ALL: Hermione, Hermione, we say without irony
Hermione, the queen of libraries
GW: Her IQ shatters every record
FW: Her brain was designed by Hewlett-Packard
ALL: Hermione, Hermione, sing we 'round the piany
Hermione, the queen of Hogwarts
NL: She's read every book on the library shelves
HP: Her test scores now average one hundred and twelve
RW & FW: She's the founder of SPEW who will free all the elves
ALL: She does know it all, that Hermione!
La la la la la la,

HP & RW: While out on a stroll she once strayed 'cross a troll
And so she became our friend in need
GW & FW: She's been turned into stone, trapped in the mer-people's zone
NL & HP: But for her we would gladly eat gillyweed
ALL: La la la la la la, etc.

ALL: Hermione, Hermione, stamp her face on the ha'penny,
Hermione the queen of Hogwarts
FW: Someday she'll be our Valedictorian
RW & GW: Bringing glory to all of Gryffindorean
ALL: Hermione, Hermione, may we ask with proprieny,
On who will you bestow your heart?
NL: Will Harry to your charms eventually succumb?
GW & FW: Will this greatest of honors go to Viktor Krum?
ALL (except RW): And as for Ron Weasley, won't he feel dumb
If he loses the hand of Hermione?
ALL: La La La La La

RW: She can whip up a mean batch of Polyjuice
GW & FW: She helps Neville whenever he's all obtuse
NL: She's a bulwark against Voldy's comin' doom
HP: She can teach you a spell that will summon brooms
ALL: La la la la la la

NL: If there's a question in class, her hand shoots up
HP: She assists Hagrid to nail all his Skrewts up
GW & FW: She got Pomfrey to jazz with her dentals
RW: So at the Yule Ball she was pure dazzlementals
ALL: La la la la la la

ALL: Hermione, Hermione, we all say without ennui
Hermione, the queen of Hogwarts
HP & NL: She used the Time-Turner to gain extra bounce
RW & FW: She forced Rita Skeeter her ways to renounce
ALL: Weren't we ever glad once we learned to pronounce
The tongue-twisting name of Hermione!

HP: I said Her-my-oh-nee
GW: He said Hermy-one
NL: They said Herm-own-ninny
HP & RW: We said Her-MY-on-e

Simultaneously, they magically light their cigars, which - since they were provided by Fred and George - all promptly explode

ALL: La La!

A filk by bribitribbit to the tune of Maria from Rodgers/Hammerstein's The Sound of Music. It's very Ron/Hermione.

Scene: FIRST YEAR, Halloween day, after Charms class.

RON:
Did you see Hermione in Charms today? What a know-it-all.
NEVILLE:
I was concentrating too hard on my own work. Why, what happened?
RON: I'll tell you....

She reads all day and never plays
Her annoyingness has reached new heights

NEVILLE (in the background):
Annoyingness? Is that a word?

RON:
She's so bloody perfect in class
And never gets in fights
Her hair is really bushy
She nags all day and night
Hermione is such a nightmare, honestly!

HERMIONE walks by, crying.

HARRY:
I think she heard you, Ron.
RON:
So what? She must have noticed already. I mean:

RON:
She's never late to Charms class
And her homework's always done
She's never late to anything
SEAMUS:
Except for having fun!
RON:
I hate to have to say it
But I agree with everyone
Hermione is such a nightmare, honestly!

DEAN:
I'd like to say a word on her behalf.
HARRY:
Then say it, Dean, go on.
DEAN:
Hermione... makes me... laugh.

The boys all laugh.

RON:
How do you solve a nightmare like Hermione?
HARRY:
How do you find a parking spot at the mall?
(SEAMUS, RON, AND NEVILLE:
What?)
SEAMUS:
How do you find a word that means Hermione?
ALL:
A nagging hag! A nightmare!
RON:
Know-it-all!

HARRY:
Many a thing you know you'd like to tell her--
(RON:
Like, what, go away?)
HARRY:
Many a thing she ought to understand--
(RON:
She understands everything, Harry!)
DEAN:
But how do you make her stay?
NEVILLE:
And listen to all you say?
RON: How do you catch a wave upon the sand?

RON:
Oh, how do you solve a nightmare like Hermione?
How do you catch a moonbeam in your hand?

SCENE: SIXTH YEAR, in Ron and Harry's room at Number 12 Grimmauld Place.

RON:
I just don't know, Harry. Did you know it when you liked Cho?
HARRY (shrugging):
Well... I don't know...

RON:
When I'm with her I'm confused
Out of focus and bemused
And I never know exactly where I am
Unpredictable as weather
She's flighty as a feather
One minute, she's a darling! Then a demon! Then a lamb!

HARRY:
She would outnag any nag
Make Napoleon raise a white flag
RON:
She'd throw a whirling dervish out of whirl
She is gentle! She is wild!
She's a riddle! She's a child!

RON shakes his head increduously. HARRY nods as if he understands.

HARRY:
One second--she's a headache! Then an angel!
RON:
No... she's a girl...

HARRY:
Sounds like you fancy her a bit, mat
e. RON (looking rather scared):
Does it, really? Oh...

RON:
How d'you solve a problem like--liking Hermione?
(HARRY: You can't.)
HARRY:
What's a dervish, and how does it whirl?
RON:
How do you find a word that means Hermione?
(HARRY:
Getting off the subject, are we?)
HARRY:
A nag! A hag! A know-it-all!
RON:
A girl...

HARRY:
Just found that out, did you, Ron?
RON:
Shuddup, Harry.

RON:
Many a thing... I think I'd like to tell her.
Many a thing I wish--she'd just understand.
(HARRY:
Getting a bit sentimental there, aren't you?)
RON:
But how do I make her stay?
And listen to all I say?
Without her laughing in my face?

How do you solve a problem like--liking Hermione?
HARRY:
How do you get a broomstick to outer space?

HARRY:
Just tell her you fancy her, Ron.
RON:
Ha, right. And then she'd start laughing in my face.

A knock at the door.

HERMIONE:
Er--Ron? Can I talk to you?

A filk by Annie Llewellyn to the tune of Absolutely (Story of a Girl) by Nine Days

This is the story of a girl
Who read books to explain her world
And while she moves around in photographs
Her name's Her-my-own-nee
Changed her smile

She doesn't know why she is here
Found she was a witch in her 'leventh year
And Harry and Ron are so sincere
Making the promise of friends for real

As long as she's in the library
Studying to ace every test
She's learning about wizardry
She always wants to be the best

Well, she's learning new things every day after day
And she'll ever really act in quite the same way
But she never seems to run out of things to say

This is the story of a girl
Who reads books to explain her world
And while she moves around in photographs
Her name's Her-my-oh-nee
Changed her smile

How many people would stay
In Hogwarts to know the wizarding way
When will it be her day
When people understand everything she'd say

As long as she keeps on reading
The library day after day
How did she wind up this way
Get back at Malfoy for everything he'd say

Well, she's learning new things every day after day
And she'll ever really act in quite the same way
But she never seems to run out of things to say

This is the story of a girl
Who reads books to explain her world
And while she moves around in photographs
Her name's Her-my-oh-nee
Changed her smile

A filk by Ginger to the tune of The Yellow Rose of Texas

Dedicated to Eileen, who filked Dance of the Cucumber far better than I could have, and from whom I blatently stole the "Know-It-All" part, or at least the idea to use it in a filk.

OK, everyone! Pick your favourite HP character who you'd like to see shipped with Hermione, and rosin up that bow, cuz it's a hand- clappin', foot-tappin', knee-slappin' Hoedown at Hogwarts! Yee-haw!

She was born of Muggle parents,
But her blood is oh, so clean.
She's a brain that makes the Ravenclaws
Turn brilliant Slytherin green.
You can go on about Lavender
Or sing of Parvati
But the Know-It-All of Gryffindor's
The only girl for me.

She's a whiz at ev'ry subject.
She's always in the groove.
Her memory's photographic.
The pictures even move.
Her logic's never failed her,
Nor has the library.
The Know-It-All of Gryffindor's
The only girl for me.

She's as loyal as a badger.
Has wisdom of an owl.
If chips are stacked against her
She won't throw in the towel.
Whether standing up for werewolves
Or setting House-Elves free,
The Know-It-All of Gryffindor's
The only girl for me.

A filk by Kit to the tune of When You Got, Flaunt It from The Producers

THE SCENE: I suppose this is Hermione, but the Grindylow thing seems like Fleur...ah, so much for a canon filk.

HERMIONE:
When you got it, wand it
Change this to that with one small magic puff
Some say restraining wand use is a virtue
But sometimes there are curses that can hurt you

When you got it, wand it
Have no regrets: show that you're avowed!
When the Grindylow ambush
Whip that stick out with a "whoosh"
When you got it, know you're endowed

When you got it, wave it
Hold your dire enemies at bay
A wand can be a most invaluable thing
So if you've got one let your spelling skills ring

When you got it, use it
Show them all how your powers have grown
Sing your spells just like a song
Make the "gar" nice and long
When you got it, let it be known

When I still thought that I could not be a witch
About wand use I found a book that tells
If you need to know a motion or enchantment
You should try the Standard Book of Spells

(spoken) Chapter seven

When you got it, wave it
Let you classmates learn from all your charms
When people say your skills are like a pauper
Turn them into a huge bug-eyed grasshopper

When you got it, wand it
Shout lumos and light the darkened way!
Just forget the eye of newt
Show your wooden attribute

When you got it,
If you got it,
Once you got it,
Go save the day!

A filk by Ginger to the tune of Calendar Girl by Neil Sedaka

Note: Words in italics are HERMIONE'S thoughts since she can't say them out loud without breaking her promise

HERMIONE: I've got a secret; I'm a Time-Turner girl (repeat)

HARRY & RON: Divination
! HERMIONE: A waste of time, I fear.

HARRY & RON: History!
HERMIONE: Binns just bores me to a tear.

HARRY & RON: Charms!
HERMIONE: With spells and hexes we should know.

HARRY & RON: Potions!
HERMIONE: I think Neville's cauldron's gonna blow.

HARRY & RON: Turn. Round. She's gone in a whirl.
We don't know how she does it.
HERMIONE: I'm a time-Turner girl.
HARRY & RON: She's all work. And no play. All the year.

HARRY & RON: Runes!
HERMIONE: Others quail and look on it with fright.

HARRY & RON: Astronomy!
HERMIONE: Up learning constellations late at night.

HARRY & RON: Muggle studdies!
HERMIONE: Not like I had to learn all that here.

HARRY & RON: D.A.D.A.!
HERMIONE: With a different teacher every year.

Repeat chorus

HARRY & RON: Transfiguration!
HERMIONE: Animagus status, here I come.

HARRY & RON: Arithmancy!
HERMIONE: Not a class for slackers or for those who're dumb.

HARRY & RON: Herbology!
HERMIONE: Meeting flora that at first seem strange.

HARRY & RON: Care of M.C.!
HERMIONE: Fauna in Hagrid's home on the range.

HARRY & RON: Turn. Round. She's gone in a whirl.
We don't know how she does it.
HERMIONE: I'm a time-Turner girl.
HARRY & RON: She's all work. HERMIONE:(I'm all work.)
HARRY & RON: And no play. HERMIONE: (And no play.)
TRIO: All the year.

Another note: apologies on not making the classes scan.

To the tune of Whitney Houston's One Moment in Time

THE SCENE: Gryffindor common area. Enter HERMIONE

HERMIONE
Each class I take
I want to be
A class that makes
Me scholarly
I'm only one
I have no clone
There's magic yet
To me unknown

To know, I yearn -
Despite each "A"
That I have earned
I feel dismay.
To take each course
Would reinforce
All I should learn

I want one turner of time,
In more places than you thought I could be
When all of my classes are coincident
Ev'ry answer will be known to me
Give me one turner of time
When I'm racing to History
Then with that same turner of time
I will attend
I will attend Arithmancy

I want each course
On my transcript
I'll be discreet
My mouth is zipped
Rewards I'll reap
I'll gain such sweep
I'll give up sleep

Give me one turner of time
The curriculum in totality
When all of my textbooks I have memorized
Each topic will be mastered by me
Give me one turner of time
When I'm dashing to Herb'logy
Then with that same turner of time
I will take
I will take Muggle Studies

I can rescue now two lifelines
If I seize that one turner of time
Make it chime!

Give me one turner of time
Black and Buckbeak's lives I will guarantee
Harry's Patronus will be hoofbeats away
We will not have to change history
Give me one turner of time
So Sirius from the tower can flee
Then with that same turner of time
He will be
He will be
He will be free
He will be
He will be free!

HERMIONE turns the hourglass and vanishes

A filk by Marilyn Malfoy to the tune of Mein Herr from Cabaret

HERMIONE
You have to understand I have a 'fro, my hair,
No hairspray, mousse, or gel could could calm these locks, my hair,
You'll never turn this mess to something nice, my hair,
But I do,
What I do,
Each time through,
And I'm through,
With my 'do'
Toodle-loo!

Bye, bye, my 'froed out hair,
You are beyond repair
No more Paul Mitchell's care,
Cause now it's over
And it's beyond a prayer
Without a spell to share,
I'm better off without it,
My hair

There are so many great spells in my book of hair,
Not only straight and curly, but wavy, too, my hair,
I couldn't ever brush it if I tried, my hair,
But I do,
What I can
Clip by Clip
Comb by comb
Spray by spray
Can by can.

Bye, bye, my 'froed out hair,
Farewell, frizzed-out despair
No more Paul Mitchell's care,
Cause now it's over
And though I used to care
A new look soon I'll wear,
I'll get on with a spell on
My hair!

A filk by Gryffleraverin to the tune of Poor Unfortunate Soul from Disney's The Little Mermaid

SYNOPSIS: While getting ready for the Yule Ball in Book Four, Hermione tries to cheer Ginny up about not being able to go with Harry by telling her she should leave boys, who are idiotic, for the more mature men (if you call an eighteen-year-old like Viktor Krum a man).

HERMIONE (spoken): Oh, Ginny-the only way to get over Harry is to see how stupid boys are.

GINNY: Can I do that?

HERMIONE: My dear, sweet child. That's what I do - help unfortunate witches - like yourself - to see that those dumb boys are not always as great as they're supposed to be.

[music]
I admit that in the past I've been their victim
But that was when I was another, well, young witch
But I've found that now-a-days
Boys are just dumb and glazed
I've grown up, seen that Krum and made a switch
Men? Yes...
And I fortunately know more than simple magic
Boys have talent, but not like girls possess
And though Ronnie, he may laugh
I know on my behalf
That he's miserable, lonely and depressed
(Pathetic)
Poor much uninformed boys
A pain
Indeed
This one ignoring little Gin
One just noticed I'm a girl
And do I love them?
There's no need
Those poor much uninformed boys
It's bad
They're cruel
They come flocking to my cauldron
Crying, "Do my homework, please!"
And I hate them
'Cause they're fools
Now it's happened once or twice
To them I was more than nice
And I'm afraid I like some more than the Malfoys
Yes, I've had the odd friendship
But on the whole I've not been gipped
By those poor much uninformed boys

HERMIONE: So, are you giving up on Harry?
GINNY: If I give up, I'll never get a chance to be with him.
HERMIONE: But you'll have a man! Life's full of tough choices, innit? Oh-and there is one more thing. We haven't discussed the drawbacks.
GINNY: But I'm not giving up on-
HERMIONE: It doesn't tax much. Just a token, really, a trifle. What it does to you is. . . Well, you most likely won't be able to date until you're older unless you find another person like Krum. Your choice.
GINNY: But I don't want to date when I'm older-
HERMIONE: You'll have your books! Your homework! You'll be too busy doing homework to worry about boys! And when you're older, men for you! Maturity! Ha!

A man's top priority is not Quidditch!
They think a girl who gossips is a bore
Yes, with men it's much preferred
To speak when you have good words
And after all, dear, what are these idle prats for?
Come on, they're not all that impressed with conversation
While gentlemen will have it when they can
Boys will dote and swoon and fawn
On a girl whose figure's well drawn
It's she with a sharp tongue who gets a man!
Come on, you poor unfortunate girl
Leave them dead!
Find your voice!
You're a very bright young lady
But Harry won't look your way
Boys aren't worth much
Make your choice!
Those poor much uninformed boys!
They're mad
It's true
If you want to live a life that's sweet
You've got to leave your toys
Take a gulp and take a breath
And go ahead and slap Malfoy!
Ron and Harry are just fourteen years
Do not fall for their ploy...
Those poor much uninformed boys!

A filk by Meg D. based on Savannah, Fare You Well by Jimmy Buffett

Scene: HERMIONE pads down the stairs carrying a few things to study. It's obvious that she hasn't been sleeping well. Settling at her favorite table, she starts working on her homework, but her mind quickly wanders elsewhere. Softly she begins to sing:

HERMIONE
There's something out there tonight
Some kind of chill in the weather
Somewhere Voldemort's mixing hate and fury together
I read that the dark forces of the Wizarding World are on the rise
The end could be forever

Now, you could wait another year or two
But what's the use of stalling
Deep in the castle, even holdout Snape starts lying
Lately every night above Lavender's snores
I hear your destiny calling

It's such an ancient magic
And you alone are the heir
But all ours dreams and fears are held in your unshed tears
Harry, do take care

In the Tri-Wiz you won last year
Diggory dead, you stretched on the ground.
While we waited for the fury to die down
The daily howlers rushing to me were wild and upsetting
That Ron could not calm down

It's such an ancient magic
And you alone are the heir
But all ours dreams and fears are held in your unshed tears
Harry, do take care

Shaking herself out of her reverie, she goes back to studying, never noticing Harry sitting quietly on a couch next to the fire.

To the tune of Conga, from Leonard Bernstein's Wonderful Town

THE SCENE: The Common area of Gryffindor, late one weekend night. HERMIONE, having had a few butterbeers too many, leads the house in a raucous celebration of nothing in particular. NOTE: The name of McGonagall is used here for purely prosodic purposes

HERMIONE
What do you think about powdered floo?
Pettigrew?
Potion brew?
What's your opinion 'bout You-Know-Who?
What do you think about…

ALL
.....……McGonga!!!!

HERMIONE
What do you think about Zonko's japes?
Black's escape?
Boggart shapes?
Enjoying a class with Severus Snape?
What do you think about…

ALL
……McGonga!!!!
La, la la la la la la la la la, etc

HERMIONE
Professor Professor Professor McGonagall
If she heard us singing she'd think it ironical

What do you think about Slytherin?
The Weasley twins?
Professor Binns?
Don't you just love Harry's next-of-kin?
What do you think about…

ALL
……McGonga!!!!

HERMIONE
What do you think about Filch's prowls?
Lupin's howls?
Quidditch fouls?
How do you like getting letters from owls?
What do you think about…

ALL
……McGonga!!!!
La, la la la la la la la la la, etc

HERMIONE
Professor Professor Professor McGonagall
Let's give her a headline in the Daily Chronicle

What do you think about Crookshanks Cat?
The Sorting Hat?
The Lady Fat?
How about that Ron and his pet rat?
What do you think about…

ALL
……McGonga!!!!

HERMIONE
What do you think about flying brooms?
Magic rooms?
Riddle's tomb?
What do you know about Phoenix plumes?
What do you think about…

ALL
……McGonga!!!!
La, la la la la la la la la la, etc

HERMIONE
Professor Professor Professor McGonagall
It's so hard to picture her wearing a monocle

What do you think about magic wands?
Diagon?
Beauxbatons?
Merfolk swimming deep in ponds?
What do you think about…

ALL
……McGonga!!!!

HERMIONE
What do you think about portkey trips?
Malfoy's quips?
Durmstrang's ships?
The jaws of Fluffy that tear and rip?
What do you think about…

ALL
……McGonga!!!!
La, la la la la la la la la la, etc
Professor Professor Professor McGonagall
Our filk is now over, folks, so you see that is all!

A filk by Terra to the tune of Baby Got Back by Sir Mix-A-Lot.

SETTING: The Hogwarts Library. Students are quietly studying or chatting. Hermione, sitting with Harry and Ron, is buried in a textbook.

PANSY (speaking): Oh, my, god. Millicent, look at Granger. She's studying. *scoff* She looks like, one of those Ravenclaw girlfriends. But, y'know, who understands those Ravenclaws? *scoff* They only talk to her, because, she thinks like a total Encyclopedia, 'kay? I mean, her brain, is just so big. *scoff* I can't believe she's such a know-it-all, it's like, annoying, I mean - gross. Look! She's just so ... brainy!

RON (singing/rapping): I like big brains and I can not lie
You other fellas can't deny
That when a girl walks in with her towering class notes
With the sources to her quotes
You go 'what?!', you can't even see
'Cause that stack is taller than me
Deep in the notes she's starting
I'm stunned and I can't stop staring
Oh baby, I wanna sit wit'cha
And see what's with ya
My brothers tried to warn me
But with those brains you got

HARRY (coughing): Makes me so horny

RON: Ooh, Queen Study Room
Want me to take you on my broom?
Well, use me, use me
'Cause you don't get all giggly
I've seen them laughin'
The hell with romancin'
She's nuts, nuts,
But she's always saving our butts
I'm tired of magazines
Sayin' airheads are the thing
Take the average wizard and ask him that
She gotta have a brain
So, fellas!

HOGWARTS' MALE STUDENTS (except RON): Yeah!

RON: Fellas!

HOGWARTS' MALE STUDENTS (except RON): Yeah!

RON: Has your girlfriend got her brain?

HOGWARTS' MALE STUDENTS (except RON): Hell yeah!

RON: Tell 'em to use it!

HOGWARTS' MALE STUDENTS (except RON): Use it!

RON: Use it!

HOGWARTS' MALE STUDENTS (except RON): Use it!

RON: Use that crafty brain!
Baby got brains!

Baby got brains!

I like 'em proud, and tough And can take more than enough
I just can't help myself, I'm actin' like an animal
Now here's my scandal
You want me to study
But ugh, now come on, ugh, ugh
I ain't talkin' Witch Weekly
Because those girls make me uneasy
I want 'em real smart and brainy
Find answers to our trouble
Oh, Ronald's in trouble
Now that Krum has just burst my bubble
I'm listenin' to the Wireless
And hearin' these women make no sense
You can have them scarlets
I won't mess with all those coquettes
A word to the thick book witches, I wanna get with ya
But I may bicker with ya
And I gotta be straight, we'll running from danger
Til the break of dawn
Harry got lots goin' on
A lot of wimps won't like this song
'Cause them girls like to flirt and then quit it
And you'll have to stay and play
It'll be long, but I'm strong
But I am down with what's goin' on
So, ladies!

HOGWARTS' FEMALE STUDENTS (except Hermione and Pansy): Yeah!

RON: Ladies!

HOGWARTS' FEMALE STUDENTS (except Hermione and Pansy): Yeah!

RON: If you wanna drive in my flying Ford

HOGWARTS' FEMALE STUDENTS (except Hermione and Pansy): Yeah!

RON: Then know it all! Let it out!
Even Malfoy's got to shout
Baby got brains!
Baby got brains!

RON (speaking): Yeah, baby ... when it comes to females, Witch Weekly ain't got nothin' to do with my selection. Scarlet woman? Ha ha, only when she misses a bonus problem.

RON (singing/rapping):
So your girlfriend's rolls are covered, doin' extra credit course work
But if you try to copy off her, she'll call you a big jerk
But the big Order don't want none
Unless you've got brains, hon
You can read girl junk on the train,
But please don't lose that brain
Some ladies wanna play that "ditz" role
And tell you that the brains ain't go
So they toss them and lose them
But she showed all that she still had them
So "Weekly" says you're nuts
Well, shove it up their butts!
Your book stack is tall and your brain is tickin'
And I'm thinkin' bout gettin'
Sick on mindless dames in the magazines
they just aren't my thing!
Just ask my sister, I can't resist her
Old Shakespeare sure didn't miss her
Some knucklehead tried to dis
'Cause this girl is on my list
He had no class, he chose to tease 'er
And I pulled up quick to defend 'er
So ladies, if your brain is full,
Think your shot at a boyfriend is null,
Then come on down to Gryffindor Tower
And see who's in power
Baby got brains!

A little bit mental but she got those brains
A little bit mental but she got those brains
A little bit mental but she got those brains
A little bit mental but she got those brains

Music ends. Hermione slams her book shut in irritation.

HERMIONE (shouting): Ron! Some people are trying to study here!

A filk by Iggy McSnurd to the tune of One Night in Bangkok from the musical Chess

HERMIONE:
Hogwarts, scholastic setting.
And the students don't know what grades they're getting
The hardest of the tests for the fifth years in a
Week with every quiz but a blood test.

Time flies - - doesn't seem a minute
Since the Great Hall last has testers in it.
All stress - - don't you know that when you
Test at this level, it's no ordinary revue.

It's potions - - or transfiguring - - or charms - - or - - or this test?

CHORUS OF STUDENTS:
Take OWLs at Hogwarts and your brain's a pudding
Your eyes are sandy, you can barely see
You'd know the answers if you can just keep thinking
And if you're lucky you don't get a "D"
Though that's still better than a "T"

HERMIONE:
One test's very like another
When your head's down over your paper, brother.

CHORUS OF STUDENTS:
It's a drag, it's a bore, it's really such a bitch
Taking all of these tests, and not playing Quidditch.

HERMIONE:
Whaddaya mean? Didn't I just take this test??

CHORUS OF STUDENTS:
Butterbeer, warm, sweet
Drink up since it's hours 'til we eat.

HERMIONE:
Get stuffed! You're talking to the student
Who's every choice is the most prudent.
I study during all my free time, sunshine.

CHORUS OF STUDENTS:
OWL tests at Hogwarts makes the proud man humble
Not much between despair and ecstasy.
OWL tests at Hogwarts and even smart guys crumble
Can't be too careful with fellow test-ees
I can see Goyle trying to copy me.

HERMIONE:
This hall's gonna be the witness
To the fifth year's test of cerebral fitness
These tests grip me more than any
Tri-Wizard or World Cup tourney

And thank God I'm finishing my test - - completing it - -

I don't see you guys grading
The kind of test I'm contemplating
I'd let you try, I would invite you
But the spells we use are quite beyond you

So you'd better stay away from the DA, our secret room, the Ministry.

CHORUS OF STUDENTS:
Take OWLs at Hogwarts and your brain's a pudding
Your eyes are sandy, you can barely see
You'd know the answers if you can just keep thinking
And if you're lucky you don't get a "D"
Though that's still better than a "T"

OWL tests at Hogwarts makes the proud man humble
Not much between despair and ecstasy.
OWL tests at Hogwarts and even smart guys crumble
Can't be too careful with fellow test-ees
I can see Goyle trying to copy me.

A filk by R.J. Lupin to the tune of My Strongest Suit from Aida

In the Library, Harry and Ron sit at a table doing their homework, and then Hermione comes walking in slowly between the book shelves, and breaks into song

HERMIONE:
Oh now I believe in knowing
Everything that has been going
On in present time, the future
Or the past
And my books will help me do it
With my books I will get through it
However it goes, reading is
Such a blast
From your first year in the school until
Your job you'll need this tool cause
You just never know exactly when you'll need
Some really information
On a charm or confrontation
So books have always been
My strongest read

Hermione breaks out into a dance

Reading fair
Going there
Anytime
Anywhere

Reading out or in your classes
Don't you know how much time passes
When you are totally in
Love with your book?
Whether reading for your homework
Or you're just reading for the perk
To not read a thing at all
Makes you a crook

And the students failing subjects
Could be like me, oh so perfect
If they only came up to me
And then heed
Everything I'm always saying
About reading and not playing
For books have always been
My strongest read

Reading fair
Going there
Anytime
Anywhere
Reading fair
Going there
Anytime
Anywhere
Reading fair
Going there
Anytime
Anywhere
Reading fair
Going there
Anytime
Anywhere

So bring me all my text books
And don't you dare give me that look
In my classes I just have to be the lead
Cause I always
Have a needing
To be learning
To be reading
Cause I always
Have a needing

Books have always been
My strongest read

Hermione breaks out into a bigger dance and starts belting out the song. Harry and Ron look at each other, bewildered

I am what I know
I am what I know
I am what I know
Books have always been my strongest read... So
Bring me
All my text books
And don't you dare give me that look
In my classes I just have to be the lead
'Cause I always
Have a needing
To be learning
To be reading

Books have always been my strongest read...
My strongest read
You know that
I am what I know
Books have always been my strongest read...
My strongest, my strongest!
My strongest, my strongest, my strongest
Read!

Hermione's eyes go wide as she sees that Harry and Ron have been watching her the whole time. She speaks

Oh...hello...nice weather we're having...I think I'll just go now...

She leaves. Ron starts singing

RON: I am what I know!!!

HARRY: (speaking) No Ron. Please. Don't

A filk by The Final Stillness of Saturn to the tune of Trisha Yearwood's An American Girl

HERMIONE:
Potions, Ancient Runes.
Transfiguration is soon.
Good mornin' Harry.

RON:
Do homework, stay up.
Try to keep her ranking up above Lav and Ginny.
She's used to showing off in class all that she knows.
She gets nothing lower than O.W.L. Os.
You know her papa and mama can make teeth like pearls.
She's tryin' to make it in the Hogwarts' world.
She's an intelligent girl,
An intelligent girl.

HERMIONE:
Long rants, spelling chants.
The elves need more pants
And some hats for sure.

Cast a spell, play the cards,
Really isn't all that hard.
RON: If you are her.

She's used to showing off in class all that she knows.
She gets nothing lower than O.W.L. Os.
You know her papa and mama can make teeth like pearls.
She's tryin' to make it in the Hogwarts' world.
An intelligent girl,
An intelligent girl.

Well, she's got her books,
and she's got good taste.
Not putting her mind to any waste.

She's used to showing off in class all that she knows.
She gets nothing lower than O.W.L. Os.
You know her papa and mama can make teeth like pearls.
She's gonna make it in her Hogwarts' world.
An intelligent girl,
An intelligent girl,
She's an intelligent girl.

She's used to showing off in class all that she knows.
She gets nothing lower than O.W.L. Os.
You know her papa and mama can make teeth like pearls.
She's gonna make it in her Hogwarts' world.
She's an intelligent girl, yeah.

Well she's used to showing off in class all that she knows.
Won't take a grade lower than O.W.L. Os.

She gets O.W.L. Os.
She gets O.W.L. Os.

A filk by R.J. Lupin to the tune of Stop! In the Name of Love by the Supremes.

This is what happens after watching Hermione punch Draco so many times and then your showchoir does a 60s medley. Backups are in parentheses.

HERMIONE:
Stop!
In the name of stress
Before I punch you too

Harry, Harry, I'm aware
You smashed your broom-oom
But now you're feeling go-ood
Someone sent you a new Firebolt (Hey Harry, Ooh yeah yeah)
I-impressing everyone and Wood (Hey Harry, Ooh yeah yeah)
It's not jinxed, we know that 'cause it's back, but (Ooh___)
Could'a been by Sirius Black (Ah___)
(Think it o-over)
I just wanted you real safe
(Think it o-over)
But you're jumping on-n my ca-ase

Stop!
In the name of stress
Before I punch you too
Stop!
In the name of stress
Before I punch you too
Think it o-over
Think it o-over

Ronnie, your rat
Makes you mad at me
I'm si-ick of of that
Ronnie, can't you see
That this-is i-is just what they do (Hey Ronnie, Ooh yeah yeah)
Ca-ats a-nd rats fight like me a-nd you (Hey Ronnie, Ooh yeah yeah)
I cried, you nearly we-ere atta-acked (Ooh___)
By the knife o-of S. Bla-ack (Ah___)
(Think it o-over)
Ronnie, I do really care
(Think it o-over)
Ron, my heart is al-always there-ere

Stop!
In the name of stress
Before I punch you too
Stop!
In the name of stress
Before I punch you too
Think it o-over
Think it o-over
Think it o-over
Think it o-over

You act like jerks
And I've so-o much work
Homework for class
And must make Buckbeak pass
And wi-ith you-ou guys I had much pleasure (Ron, Harry, Ooh yeah yeah)
But now-ow you-ou guys just give me so much pre-esure (Ron, Harry, Ooh yeah yeah)
It feels like I'm the one-un and only (Ooh____)
Who could be thi-is much lonely (Ah___)
(Think it o-over)
'Member when we had been friends?
(Think it o-over)
Who'd've know that day-ay could en-end?

Stop!
In the name of stress
Before I punch you too
Stop!
In the name of stress
Before I punch you too
Stop!
In the name of stress
Before I punch you too

Stop!

By LovCedricdiggory to the tune of Part of that World from The Little Mermaid

HERMONE:
Look at my mind
Isn't it neat
Wouldn't you think
That my learning's complete?
Wouldn't you think I'm the girl,
The girl who knows everything?
Look at this cove
Questions untold
How much knowledge
Can my big brain hold?
Lookin' around here you think,
"Wow, she knows everything"

Oh, Magical Creatures is tiring
And Transfiguration's a bore
You want Questions?
I've got plenty
But who cares?
No big deal
I want more!

I want to be where the Aurors are
I wanna see, wanna see the action
Though you never see them on the street
Flippin' pages don't get you far
I've got the knowledge to get me goin'
I'll be the one everyone wants to meet

Where they cast fire
Up where they shoot
Dealing with a dumb Malfoy-like brute
Why can't they see?
Just to send me
To the Auror world

What would I give
To have a peek into the Pensieve
What would I gain to see a world full of pain?
What would I bet
That they would
Recommend their daughters
Just to me
So they could see
That other world

Oh, I'm ready to know what the Aurors know
Ask them my questions
Maybe get some answers
What's required?
What do I have to learn?

When's it my turn?
When's it my time?
(Oh, I just hate that I have to rhyme)
Wish they could see
Why can't I be
In the Auror world?
Wish I could be……
In the Auror world….

A filk by Ginger to the tune of Official Historian of Shirley Jean Berrell by the Statler Brothers.

JKR has said in an interview that Hermione has the narrative function of revealing to the reader facts that might otherwise not come to light. By having read Hogwarts: A History, Hermione knows all the tidbits that JKR might wish to share with us about her world.

Hermione usually takes this duty very seriously, imparting only factoids which are relevant to the plot, but with a few Butterbeers, I've been able to get her to divulge a few of the more personal details about the school's past.

HERMIONE (CHORUS):
I'm the official reporter of Hogwarts' History.
I know every tidbit and fact from A to Z.
There's naught can escape from my photo-memory.
It's all in Hogwarts: A History.

I know all the founders and their personal beliefs.
And if Sally Slytherin wore boxers or briefs.
I know Helga's bra size (it's DD42)
And that's only the beginning of the things I could tell you.

CHORUS

I can tell you the scandals 'bout what Rowena did.
(I'm still not quite sure on the one 'bout the squid.
There's just some things I'm not sure one can do physically.)
But for other things you need to know about Hogwarts, just ask me.

There is one omission, one little tiny quirk:
A book this size should say there are House-Elves at work.
Now this, I can't stand for. This musn't be allowed.
The only thing that I can say is "Free the House-Elves now!"

I'm the Official reporter of Hogwarts' History.
How dare they gloss over this grave monstrosity?
It's all part of a vast right-wing conspiracy.
It's not in Hogwarts: A History.

Let's edit Hogwarts: A History.

A filk by Ginger to the tune of Angel of the Morning. Written by Chip Taylor (who also wrote Wild Thing - you learn something new every day) recorded in 1968 by Merillee Rush and in 1981 by Juice Newton

DR. AND DR. GRANGER:
Our Muggle world can't bind your head,
Not if there's magic in your heart.
Though we can't fathom books you've read,
You now your education start.
So Hogwarts soon will be your home.
Remember one thing when you've gone:

You're still our angel, our Hermione, Angel.
Just brush your teeth before you leave, please, baby.
You're still our angel, our Hermione, Angel.
Please floss when you're away from me.

Maybe a spell cast on a whim
Or in the middle of a row,
Will cause your dental work to thin,
Or cause it to erupt somehow.
But if the nurse can't set it straight,
We've got insurance throught the State.
You're still our angel, our Hermione, Angel.
Just brush your teeth before you leave, please, baby.
You're still our angel, our Hermione, Angel.
Please floss when you're away,
We don't want tooth decay, oh, please,
Flouride cheers up the day,
Good for years, baby, baby, baby..

You're still our angel, our Hermione, Angel...

repeat chorus and fade (and floss and rinse)

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