Abe's Babes
"Billy Goat is not my lover... owwww!" Aberforth Dumbledore fights back against his critics. He also wishes
to stress that the kid is not his son.... Image © 2004 Red Scharlach
"Billy Goat is not my lover... owwww!" Aberforth Dumbledore fights back against his critics. He also wishes
to stress that the kid is not his son.... Image © 2004 Red Scharlach
*** = post-DH
Copyright 2004 by Caius Marcius, except Aberforth's Afternoon Delight, Embraceable Ewe and My Nanny Copyright 2004 by Haggridd; Charms on a Goat and I Read It In The Prophet Copyright 2004 by Gail; A Goat is a Goat Copyright 2004 by Constance Vigilance; Nanny Copyright 2004 by Ginger; Along Comes Nanny Copyright 2004 by Arcum; Blue-Eyed Goatherd (aka Aberforth) Copyright 2008 by dianahawthorne. And thanks to Amy Z for coming up with "Abe's Babes."
"My own brother, Aberforth, was prosecuted for practicing inappropriate charms on a goat. It was all over the papers, but did Aberforth hide? No, he did not! He held his head high and went about his business as usual! Of course, I'm not entirely sure he can read, so that may not have been bravery. . .."
- Albus Dumbledore, GoF, Chapter 24
Emerson Spartz: What on earth was Aberforth Dumbledore doing with those goats?
Big laughs from all
JKR: Your guess is as good as mine! [Evil laugh!]
- Leaky Cauldron/MuggleNet interview, July 16, 2005
What JKR refuses to discuss - we reveal!
A filk by Haggridd to the tune of George and Ira Gershwin's Embraceable You. It is purely a bit of outrageous fluff. It is not at all meant to advocate wizard/ovine slash. Really. I mean it. Really.
SCENE: Albus Dumbledore's brother Aberforth provides us with a hint at why he might have gotten into trouble in his youth.
ABERFORTH:
Embrace me, my sweet embraceable ewe
Embrace me, you irreplaceable ewe.
Just one look at ewes
My heart grew tipsy in me
Ewes and ewes alone
Bring out the gypsy in me.
I love all the many charms about ewes;
Above all, I want my arms around ewes.
Don't you be a naughty lamby
Come to Abby, come to Abby do
My sweet embraceable ewe.
To the tune of The Love Boat theme.
You've heard of the Unforgivable Curses - here is an example of an Unforgivable Filk
THE SCENE: ABERFORTH DUMBLEDORE addresses charges that he has…well, you know………
ABERFORTH:
Goats, the final taboo:
I adore
Ev'ry doe revue,
And goats, both hard and soft-core
Let them bray
To make this breakthrough
The Love Goat
Proving mere cash just can't match cashmere
The Love Goat
Let me applaud each hircine career
I will cast all my charm spells
Some call inappropriate….
It's Gruffffffff!
Billy Goat Gruff - It's Grufffffff!
16-Ton weight falls on ABERFORTH
A filk by Haggridd to the tune of Starland Vocal Band's Afternoon Delight
SCENE: Aberforth seranades his dearest friend Nanny, whom he has nicknamed his "Aberforth's Delight."
ABERFORTH:
Gonna find my kid, I'm gonna hold her tight
Gonna grab my "Aberforth's Delight"
My motto's always been "when it's tight, it's right,"
And that Mafalda Hopkirk is just full of spite.
The Improper Use of Magic Office owls me,
But I say my charms are quite appropriate, anyone can see.
Thinkin' of you's workin' up my appetite
Looking forward to my little "Aberforth's Delight."
Rubbin' "wands" and "stones" together makes the
charms ignite,
And the thought of lovin' you is getting so exciting
Wands rise to great height.
"Aberforth's Delight"
Afternoon delight
Afternoon delight
Started out this morning in an awful plight.
The Department of Magical Law Enforcement will fight
But you've got some hay a waitin' and I think you might try
nibbling,
My little "Aberforth's Delight"
Wand sparks up in flight
"Aberforth's Delight"
Afternoon delight
Afternoon delight.
Please be waiting in the barnyard, when I come around
We could make a lot of lovin' 'fore the sun goes down
Thinkin' of you's workin' up my appetite
Looking forward to my little "Aberforth's Delight."
Rubbin' "wands" and "stones" together makes the
charms ignite
And the thought of lovin' you is getting so exciting
Wand sparks up in flight
"Aberforth's Delight"
Afternoon delight
Afternoon delight.
"Aberforth's Delight!"
A filk by Gail to the tune of A Kiss From a Rose by Seal
Always wanted to filk this song...I just would not have imagined myself filking it in this context...
DUMBLEDORE:
My brother's odd behavior was found by the Ministry
It became a disgrace to our family
We hoped that the press would not find out the truth
But it they got - his rep was shot
The papers all wrote
About Aberforth's goat the next day
*
They said: "He performed improper charms on a goat, it's depraved"
Ooooo...the more I think of it the sicker I feel, yeah
Now, I'm not sure he can read
I don't know if he'd acted brave
**
There is so much a man can handle
So much he can take
But it came: the scandal, the stigma, the shame (Merlin!)
To him it was a growing obsession he wouldn't hide
Kept telling him, "It's not healthy, Abe."
But did my brother hide? He did not
He held his head high
And went about business just the same
(repeat *)
He cast charms on a goat, he's depraved
He cast charms on a goat, he's depraved
(Aberforth's goat)
He cast charms on a goat, he's depraved
He cast charms on a goat, he's depraved
(repeat ** / * / * )
Now, I'm not sure he can read
I don't know if he'd acted brave
A filk by Ginger to the tune of on Mandy by Barry Nannylow, er, Manilow.
Sigh. First Haggridd, then CMC, then Haggridd again, then Gail. You guys are corrupting me, you know.
ALBUS sings offstage as narrator. ABERFORTH sings the chorus.
ALBUS:
Aberforth, for all his life,
Never had a gal or wife.
Most peculiar man,
With Capricorn interests.
I guess it could be worse-
He avoids incests.
Daily Prophet, yesterday-
Found out about Abbie's play.
Printed in the news,
Near the sports section.
A censored photogragh
Of his sweet affection.
ABERFORTH:
Oh, Nanny,
You left and now my heart is breaking.
Yes, they took you away,
Oh, Nanny,
Well, I charmed you and stopped you from shaking.
And I miss you today,
Oh, Nanny.
ALBUS:
Now Aberforth's the butt of jokes.
Subject to stares and laughs and pokes.
These he just ignores, with such great bravery.
Completely unaware of his depravery.*
On with head held high-
To this he pays no heed.
Either acting brave
Or he can not read.
ABERFORTH:
Oh, Nanny,
You left and now my heart is breaking.
Yes, they took you away,
Oh, Nanny,
Well, I charmed you and stopped you from shaking.
And I miss you today,
Oh, Nanny
(repeat and fade)
*I made up depravery. Depravity didn't rhyme, and I thought, "well, if the act of being brave is bravery, then the act of being depraved ought well to be depravery. Just like Buick ought to rhyme with quick." Work with me on this one. Please?
A filk by Constance Vigilance - I cannot let this challenge go unmet! I take my place with the sickies and present (to the theme of that old TV sitcom Mr. Ed)
A goat's not a moat to float your boat
And no one can gloat of a goat wild oat
That is, I quote, unless the goat's with the famous Aberforth.
Go right to the cote and ask the goat
She'll give you the answer that you promote.
Be careful that you don't misquote.
Talk to Aberforth.
You can keep all your barnyard friends with feathers and coats of silk
My sweetie's not much to look at but at least I've got lots of milk
A goat is a goat, a haute devote,
And this one is game if a mote remote.
You never heard a goat emote?
Well, listen to this: "I love Aberforth."
A filk by Gail to the tune of I Heard It Through the Grapevine by Marvin Gaye
Aberforth's Archie-Bunker-type next door neighbor is singing (with his wife as the back-up)
I read it in this morning's news
Aberforth has been accused
Of a certain crime which I won't speak
Because it makes my stomach weak
Wasn't the least surprised
'Cause I knew
Aberforth is a great fool
I read it in The Prophet
'Bout the crimes he did commit
Oooo...Aberforth had to admit
But he didn't seem to feel regret
Gulpin' gargoyles, baby
(Read it in the Prophet 'bout the crimes that he'd committed, baby)
They say Aberforth is a good guy
But that he has a darker side
Casting charms
On goats improperly
Was found by the Ministry
I could have told them myself
Bet he does the House-elf
Today
I read it in The Prophet
Always knew he wasn't legit
Oooo...it got my wife all upset
And I just about done threw a fit
Gulpin' gargoyles, baby
(Read it in The Prophet and he just about threw a fit, baby)
They tell me you can't believe all you read
But don't doubt he did the deed
I'd often hear the noise next door
In the House of Dumbledore
So I know that it's all true
What's the Wizarding World coming to?
Oooo...I read it in The Prophet
How could Aberforth have done it?
Oooo...they took the goat to a vet
This is something I'd rather forget
Gulpin' gargoyles, baby
(Read it in The Prophet something that I'd rather forget, baby)
I knew all along
That he's just plain wrong...
A filk by Haggridd of the Sam Lewis-Joe Young-Walter Donaldson tune My Mammy, as made famous by Al Jolson.
Only the chorus is filked here. I wish I could say that the supply of Aberforth filks has been exhausted, but, as Al Jolson himself would say, "I got a million of `em!" Some lines have purposely been left as they were in the original, so that I could deny having put them in the filk. You'll know the ones I mean. :)
SCENE: Aberforth again serenades his dear Nanny.
ABERFORTH:
Nanny,
Nanny,
The sun shines west, the sun shines east,
I go where the sun shines least--
Nanny,
My little Nanny,
My heartstrings are tangled around your sweet fanny.
I'm comin',
Sorry that I made you wait.
I'm comin',
Hope and trust that I'm not late, oh oh oh
Nanny,
My little Nanny,
I'd chant forbidden Charms
For you in my arms,
My Nanny! Oh oh oh...
(SPOKEN) Nanny...
My little Nanny.
The sun shines west-- the sun shines east--
I know where-- the sun shines least!
It's in my Nanny I'm talkin' about, nobody else's!
(SUNG) My little Nanny,
My heartstrings are tangled around Your sweet fanny.
(SPOKEN) Nanny-- Nanny, I'm comin'--
I'm so sorry that I made you wait!
Nanny-- Nanny, I'm comin'!
Merlin, I hope I'm not late!
Look at me, Nanny! Don't you know me?
I'm your little Abby!
(SUNG) I'd chant forbidden Charms
for you in my arms,
My Nanny!
This filk came about as a side effect of my H2$ musical.
To the tune of The Love From a Heart of Gold from Frank Loesser's How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying (The original song parodies the style of a Victorian-era parlor ballad)
The SCENE: ABERFORTH DUMBLEDORE, that ever-copious fountain of melody, again holds forth on the object of his affections.
ABERFORTH
In pasture dwells my passion
Over which I must deep emote.
What care I if The Daily Prophet
Keeps a-bashin'
With their coarse
Anecdotes?
She is my source for bezoars
That all-purposing antidote
There is nothing in life that could possibly be more
Than the love from a hearty goat
A filk by Arcum to the tune of Along Comes Mary by the Association
ABERFORTH:
Every time I think that I'm the only one this lonely
She calls to me
And every now and then I cast a charm I learned
Cursing this fault in me
And then along comes Nanny
And she never does kick, and does an amazing trick
And gives me memories
And she never turns tail, and my charms never fail
And no one ever sees
When we met she was eating lunch
And ate a tin can with a loud crunch
When my goatly desire is the fire behind my tricks
The sickness in those games I play
And The Daily Prophet's amazed, and the neighbors make jokes
And cast around blame today
And then along comes Nanny
And even if they want to set her free, she always follows me
To where I call her name
And she never struggles much and comes to my tender touch
She wouldn't treat them the same
When we met she was eating lunch
And ate a tin can with a loud crunch
And when the ministry's warning passed, the grassed
And placid kids I bring along to bars
The ministers and reporters gone
The charms undone, and my fame sung afar
And then along comes Nanny
And a cleaning charm removes the stains, and remains of all our games
Left from the night before
And her gazing eyes look at me as she lies, and I
Hear an urgent cry from the one I adore
When we met she was eating lunch
And ate a tin can with a loud crunch
(with a loud crunch) (x7)
A filk by dianahawthorne adapted from the song The Lonely Goatherd from The Sound of Music.
This filk is about Aberforth Dumbledore and Poppy Pomfrey.
High on a hill was a blue-eyed goatherd
Layee odl, layee odl layee-oo
Loud was the voice of the blue-eyed goatherd
Layee odl, layee odl-oo
Folks in a town that was quite remote heard
Layee odl, layee odl layee-oo
Lusty and clear from the goatherd's throat heard
Layee odl, layee odl-oo
Oho layee odllee-oo
Oho layee odl ay!
Oho layee odllee-oo
Hododlleeoay!
A Half-Blood Prince near a castle moat heard
Layee odl, layee odl layee-oo
Kids in a boat with a load to tote heard
Layee odl, layee odl-oo
A boy wrapped in the folds of a giant's coat heard
Layee odl, layee odl-oo
Peeves and a bundle of canes afloat heard
Layee odl, layee odl layee-oo
[Cough cough!]
One pretty witch in a nurse's coat heard
Layee odl, layee odl-oo
She yodeled back to the blue-eyed goatherd
Layee odl, layee odl-oo
Soon her mama with a gleaming gloat heard
Layee odl, layee odl layee-oo
What a duet for a nurse and goatherd
Layee odl, layee odl-oo
Hmm hmm hmm hmm
Hmm hmm hmm hmm
Ode layee
Ode layee-ee
Ode layee
Oh Oh Oh Oh layee odl layee-oo
Oh oh layee odl lay
Oh Oh Oh Oh layee odl layee-oo
Layee odllee-o hododlleeoay!
One pretty witch in a nurse's coat heard
Layee odl, layee odl layoo-oo
She yodeled back to the blue-eyed goatherd
Layee odl, layee odl-o
Soon her mama with a gleaming gloat heard
Layee odl, layee odl lay mmm mmm
What a duet for a nurse and goatherd
Layee odl, layee odl-o
Happy are they layee odllayee-o oh layee odlayee layee-o
Soon their duet will become a trio
Layee odl, layee odl layee-o
Ode lay-ee
Ode lay-ee
Ode lay-ee-ee
Ode lay-ee
Odllayee odllay
Odllayee odllay
Odllayee odllay
Odllayee odllayee odlayee odlayee odlay!
Wooo!