The Order

Image © 2004 Red Scharlach

The Order of the Phoenix
*The Sorcerers' Drinking Song by Kirstini
*That's An Auror by Pippin
*War Song of the Order by Eric Oppen
*Will the Order Be Unbroken? by Richard
Arabella Figg by Ellen Anglin
*Nymphadora Tonks Woman by Jackie DeMedio
**Be Prepared by Machiavelli, Jr.
*Tonks, not Ms. Nymphadora by Jason Lebouef
*Nymphadora, the Auror by Jason Lebouef
*Tonks by Jason LeBouef
*Metamorph Girl by Jason LeBouef
*Sweet Girl Nymphadora by Jason LeBouef
*Five Foot Two by Jason LeBouef
*Sneaky Auror Girl by Jason LeBouef
*Hey Tonks by Jason LeBouef
*Tonks by Alessandra C.
**Remus, My Love by RJ Lupin
**Half-Blood Princess by Jason LeBouef
**Nymphadora by Nelsongirl
**Good Old-Fashioned Lover Boy by RJ Lupin
**Stay Up With Me by RJ Lupin
**And You're Just What I Need by R.J. Lupin
**The Name of the Man/Girl by Nelsongirl
*Mundungus Man by Phyllis
*Mr. Fletcher by Ginger
*Kingsley Shacklebolt Is On The Case by Gail

* = Post-OOP
** = post-HBP

The Order of the Phoenix Copyright 2001 by Caius Marcius; Arabella Figg Copyright 2002 by Ellen Anglin; Nymphadora Tonks Woman Copyright 2003 by Jackie DeMedio; Mundungus Man Copyright 2003 by Phyllis; The Sorcerer's Drinking Song Copyright 2003 by Kirstini; That's An Auror Copyright 2003 by Pippin; War Song of the Order Copyright 2003 by Eric Oppen; Five Foot Two, Half-Blood Princess, Hey Tonks, Metamorph Girl, Nymphadora the Auror, Sneaky Auror Girl, Sweet Girl Nymphadora, Tonks and Tonks, Not Ms. Nymphadora Copyright 2004, 2005 by Jason LeBouef; Will the Order Be Unbroken? Copyright 2004 by Richard; Kingsley Shacklebolt Is On The Case Copyright 2004 by Gail; Mr. Fletcher Copyright 2005 by Ginger; And You're Just What I Need, Good Old-Fashioned Lover Boy,Remus, My Love and Stay Up With Me Copyright 2005, 2006 by RJ Lupin; The Name of the Man/Girl and Nymphadora Copyright 2005 by Nelsongirl; Be Prepared Copyright 2005 by Machiavelli, Jr.; Tonks Copyright 2005 by Alessandra C.

To the tune of The Knights of the Round Table from Monty Python & the Holy Grail

DUMBLEDORE: (spoken) Sirius, I need you to set off at once. You are to alert Remus Lupin, Arabella Figg, Mundungus Fletcher - the old crowd.

Enter LUPIN, FIGG and FLETCHER

ALL
The Order of the Phoenix
Kick-two-three-four and five-six
We're the old crowd
Who sing so loud
Our songs might make you seasick
We're named for birds that resurrect
So we won't be all left derelict

LUPIN & FIGG
Our friend Mundungus Fletcher
Can catch Dark Lords, you betcher

FIGG & FLETCHER
And Remus L
With a lupine yell
Will silence each kvetcher

LUPIN & FLETCHER
Arabella lives near Privet Drive
Where she lives such an exquisite life

ALL
We're the New Phoenix Order
We'd fight our way to Mordor
As we're dancing
To Highland flings
With timbrels and recorders.
We follow Fawkes the phoenix bird

FLETCHER
For to follow hawks would be absurd

Exit LUPIN, FIGG and FLETCHER

DUMBLEDORE: (spoken) On second thought, let's not alert the old crowd. They are a silly group……

A filk by Pippin to the tune of That's Amore

When Mad Moody walks by with his swivelling eye
That's an Auror
When he clumps down the street with his mismatching feet
That's an Auror
Curses ring, making hexes sting, jinxes will take wing
And he'll growl Gotcha, Bella!
Legs will kick with a magic trick when he wields his stick
with a Tarantellegra

When a klutz in the hall starts to trip and then fall
That's an Auror
She can alter her hair but she's no Fred Astaire
I'm afraid
When she falls on her butt and she says call me not
Nymphadora
Excuse me but you see, in the DMLE
That's an Auror

When a soft-spoken guy does a charm on the sly
That's an Auror
Marietta won't speak, Harry's secrets won't leak,
I'm in awe
When they chase after Black...but they're on the wrong track
That's for sure-or
He's our man, that Kingsley, in the DMLE
That's an Auror (That's an Auror)
That's an Auror!!!

However, I then got to thinking. Why not do a HP filk to the tune of March of Cambreath itself? Accordingly, I present....

War Song of the Order

A filk by Eric Oppen to the tune of March of Cambreath by Heather Alexander

Phoenix Order, this means war!
Follow Albus Dumbledore!
Wield your wand and cast your spell,
Send all Death Eaters to hell!
Turn them all to slugs and snails,
Salt them then, from heads to tails!
We can win if we just try:
How many of them can we make die?

HQ in the House of Black,
We will soon launch our attack!
Every time they cast a curse,
We will give them ten times worse!
They'd see us in slavery,
We will win or else die free!
Let them hear our battle cry:
How many of them can we make die?

Voldemort's by far the worst,
If we can, we'll kill him first!
Malfoy is the one that's next,
He will soon be thoroughly hexed!
Lestrange, Wormtail and Macnair
We will slaughter then and there!
Though for mercy they may try
How many of them can we make die?

Each of them's so steeped in crime
They have lived for too much time,
Death's the least that they deserve,
From our mission we'll not swerve!
Use your wand and use your head,
Let their blood flow bright and red!
Voldemort thinks he's so sly,
How many of them can we make die?

A filk by Richard to the tune of The Nitty Gritty Dirt Band's Will The Circle Be Unbroken? The cast for this song is as follows: Lead Vocals: Harry Potter, Ronald Weasley, Ginny Weasley, and Albus Dumbledore, and Hermione Granger. Harmony Vocals: Mad-Eye Moody, Professor McGonagall, Serverus Snape; Guitar: Albus Dumbledore; Piano: Snape; Drums: Ms. Figg; Banjo: Hagrid; Lead Guitar: Remus Lupin; Fiddle: Hermione; Bass: Arthur Weasley; Dobro: Tonks

CHORUS:
Will the Order be unbroken?
Bye-bye Dark Lord, bye!
Harry Potter's been a-waitin'
To curse you and watch you die…

Snape's Piano Solo

HARRY:
I was waiting in the Castle,
On one cold and stormy night.
When I saw the Dark Lord Voldy,
Come and challenge me to a fight.

Repeat Chorus

RON:
I said to him, "Harry Potter,"
"Harry Potter, fight with ease,
For this curse that Voldy's brewin'
It will bring you to your knees."

Repeat Chorus

Hagrid's Banjo Solo, with Dumbledore on Guitar

GINNY:
Oh, Dumbledore was beside him,
Right before the killin' curse,
But he could not stop the Dark Lord,
And miss Figg hit Voldy with her purse.

Repeat Chorus

DUMBLEDORE:
Harry stepped up, faced the Dark Lord,
Waved his wand and sent a hex.
But Lord Voldy laughed and pointed,
Said "Potter, is that your best?"

Repeat Chorus

Hermione's Fiddle Solo, with Lupin on Guitar

HERMIONE & DUMBLEDORE:
They cursed at each other,
Sent spells of scarlet and red.
Curse caught Voldy, made him crumble,
Ding-dong, the Dark Lord's dead!

Repeat Chorus 2x

A filk by Ellen Anglin to the tune of Eleanor Rigby by the Beatles

NOTE: This song was written before OOP was released.

Ah, look at all the silly Muggles
Ah, but are they all really Muggles?

Arabella Figg plays with her cats in the garden as people go by.
What does she spy?
Sits by the window, wearing a polyjuiced form
Is that quite norm?

All the silly Muggles
Where are they coming from?
All the busy Muggles
And do they all belong?

Albus Dumbledore, sending the old crew a heads up, the Dark Lord is back,
Prepare for attack!
Look at him working
Laying his plans to forestall the Dark Lord's fell schemes,
Meanwhile Harry dreams…

All the silly Muggles
Where are they coming from?
All the busy Muggles
And do they all belong?

Ah, look at all the silly Muggles
Ah, but are they all really Muggles?

Arabella Figg, Tiddles and Fluffy and Snowy and Dear Mr. Paws
Sharp eyes and claws
Waiting and watching, silently guarding amidst all the Muggles so dim.
Shielding him.

All the silly Muggles (Ah, look at all the silly Muggles)
Where are they coming from?
All the busy Muggles (Ah, but are they all really Muggles?)
And do they all belong?

A filk by Jackie DeMedio to the tune of Honky Tonk Woman by The Rolling Stones

Sounds of breaking glass and things falling over replace the cowbell

HARRY:
I met a Metamorphmagus yesterday,
She came as part of Lupin's Advanced Guard,
She went upstairs and said she liked my broomstick
Then she packed my bags, and led me to the yard,

It's that Nym-pha-dor-a Tonks Woman
Changin' hair, changin' hair, changin' hair from pink to blue

I found out that Ms. Tonks is a young Auror
She's quite a klutz and walks without much grace
She kept us all amused throughout our supper
She changed her nose, and then she changed her face
(Yeah!)

It's that Nym-pha-dor-a Tonks Woman
Changin' hair, changin' hair, changin' hair from pink to blue
(Yeah, all right!)

It's that Nym-pha-dor-a Tonks Woman
(LUPIN: Call her Tonks, Call her Tonks)
Changin' hair, changin' hair, changin' hair from pink to blue
It's that Nym-pha-dor-a Tonks Woman
(LUPIN: Call her Tonks, Call her Tonks)
Changin' hair, changin' hair, changin' hair from pink to blue
(Whoo!)

A filk by Jason LeBouef to the tune of Istanbul, Not Constantinople by They Might Be Giants

TONKS:
Call me Tonks, not Ms. Nymphadora
You can Call me Tonks, not Ms. Nymphadora
Oh I hate that name, that Ms. Nymphadora
But to my delight, sayin' Tonks is right

LUPIN
Clumsy gal, that Ms Nymphadora

TONKS
No you can't call me that Ms. Nymphadora

LUPIN
So if you've a date with Ms. Nymphadora
She'd be happy to be called Tonks

Even Voldemort was once named Tom Riddle

GUARD:
Why he changed it I can't say

MOODY
Guess he just liked it better that way

HARRY
So take me out with Ms. Nymphadora

LUPIN
No you can't go out with Ms. Nymphadora

TONKS
How I hate that name, Ms. Nyphadora

HARRY
How did Ms. Nymphadora got her name?

TONKS
My mother must've been a crazy dame.

HARRY/GUARD
Aahhhhhhhhh…
Doo doo doo… doo doo dodododooo
Doo doo doo… doo doo dodododooo
Doo doo doo… doo doo dodododooo

HARRY/LUPIN
Nympadore…/Nymphadore…

HARRY/GUARD
Aahhhhhhhhh…
Doo doo doo… doo doo dodododooo
Doo doo doo… doo doo dodododooo
Doo doo doo… doo doo dodododooo

HARRY/LUPIN
Nympadore…/Nymphadore
Even Voldemort was once named Tom Riddle

GUARD:
Why he changed it I can't say
Guess he just liked it better that wayyyyyyyyy

TONKS:
Call me Tonks, not Ms. Nymphadora
You can Call me Tonks, not Ms. Nymphadora
Oh I hate that name, that Ms. Nymphadora

HARRY
How did Ms. Nymphadora got her name?

TONKS
My mother must've been a crazy dame

GUARD
Doo doo doo… doo doo dodododooo
Doo doo doo… doo doo dodododooo
Doo doo doo… doo doo dodododooo

MOODY
Doo doo doodoo doo doo doo dooooo

Moody raps his wand on Harry's head to the drum solo

HARRY
SO take me out with Ms. Nymphadora

LUPIN
No you can't go out with Ms. Nymphadora

TONKS
How I hate that name, Ms. Nyphadora

HARRY
How did Ms. Nymphadora got her name?

TONKS & GUARD
My mother must've been a crazy dame
Nym-pha-dora

A filk by Jason LeBouef of the theme to Dora The Explorer

I tuned in, I saw, I filked. Forgive me, Tonks.

LUPIN
Nymphadora!

TONKS
No! Tonks

LUPIN
Come on Nymphadora

GUARD
Nym Nym Nym Nymphadora (All right!)
Nym Nym Nym Nymphadora
Nym Nym Nym Nymphadora
Nym Nym Nym Nymphadora (Let's Go!)

Nympha Nymphadora the Auror ('dora)
Clumsy but very cool Auror 'dora

LUPIN
We need your help

SIRIUS
See ya Harry!

GUARD
Let's Go! Jump in

TONKS
Follow Me!

GUARD
You can change your face
That's right!

Nymphadora Nymphadora
Nymphadora Nymphadora

We'll protect Harry! We'll protect Harry

TONKS
Oh man!

EVERYONE
Nymphadora, the Auror!

A filk by Jason LeBouef to the tune: Theme From Shaft by Isaac Hayes

Who's the shape-shifting witch
That could knock over a cauldron with a single kick?
TONKS!

Damn right

Who is the girl
Who is single in the wizard world?
TONKS!

Can ya dig it?

Who's the witch who won't pitch out
When there's danger all about?
TONKS!

Right On!

They say this girl Tonks is a bad Meta…
…morphmagus!
I'm just talking about Tonks…
We can dig it.

She's a big Weird Sisters fan
And she likes the song Clumsy Tonks Woman ;-)
Nymph Tonks!

A filk by Jason LeBouef to the tune of Cinnamon Girl by Neil Young

Guess who this song's about ;-)

I wanna live with the metamorph girl
I can be happy the rest of my life
With the metamorph girl

A changer of faces, a wonderful sight
You see us together alone in the moonlight
My metamorph girl

A witch full of magic, she flies on her broom
A muggle relaxes, she comes to his room
Oh his metamorph girl

In magical places, we walk in the night
You see us together alone in the moonlight
My metamorph girl

I can't reject you now, I gotta win you somehow
Give me another chance
You got this Muggle in a trance
Yeah
Yeah
Yeah

A filk by Jason LeBouef to the tune of Sweet Home Alabama by Lynyrd Skynyrd

Hmm… Looks like I have some competition . Let's see who can woo Tonks in song… A Muggle such as myself or Bill Weasley?

BILL WEASLEY
1… 2… 3… (guitar)

… turn it up

Cleansweep Seven keeps on flyin'
Taking me home to see my kin
Hearing filks about my loved ones
I miss my girlie once again and I think it's a sin

Well I heard Jason sing about her
Well I heard LeBouef tryin' to love her down
Well I hope Jason will remember
A muggle man will bring her down anyhow

Sweet girl Nymphadora
With her hair violet blue
Sweet girl Nymphadora
Tonks I'm comin' home to you.

At Grimmauld place they have The Order
Ooh ooh ooh
Now we all did what we're to do
Now Voldemort does not frighten me
Does the Dark Lord frighten you… tell the truth

Sweet girl Nymphadora
With her hair violet blue
Sweet girl Nymphadora
Tonks I'm comin' home to you

Here I come… Nymphadora

guitar solo

VEELAS
Ahhh ahhhh ahhhh Nymphadora

repeat 4x

BILL
Now Caius Marcius does the musicals
He's been known to filk a song or two (yes he do)
Love them Harry filks so much
They pick me up when I'm feeling blue, Tonks how bout you?

Sweet girl Nymphadora
With her hair violet blue
Sweet girl Nymphadora
Tonks I'm comin' home to you

Sweet girl Nymphadora… oh sweet girl
With her hair violet blue… or a pinkish hue
Sweet girl Nymphadora
Tonks I'm comin' home to you

A filk by Jason LeBouef to the tune of Five Foot Two written by Sam Lewis and Joe Young. Music by Ray Henderson

She's not really 5'2" but the "Five Foot Two" part rhymes. Eat your heart out, Weasley! :-) )

Five foot two
Eyes of blue
But I think she can change that too
Has anybody seen my Tonks?

Changed her nose
Changed her clothes
Can't tell where, can't tell where that lady goes
Has anybody seen my Tonks?

Now if you run into
A five foot two
With gray matted hair

In disguise
From Death Eater eyes
I bet'cha that just might be her

But could she love
And could she woo
And could she, could she, could she coo
Has anybody seen my Tonks?

repeat once

A filk by Jason LeBouef to the tune of Secret Agent Man by Johnny Rivers

There's a girl who is a great shape changer
Each time she's on the street she is a stranger
A clumsy move she makes, another bottle breaks
Odds are you won't see her here tomorrow

Sneaky Auror girl, sneaky Auror girl
They've given you a mission and so you changed your face

A master of disguises you will find
Her pretty face can hide her cunning mind
Oh you might see her today, then suddenly she goes away
Odds are you won't see her here tomorrow

Sneaky Auror girl, sneaky Auror girl
They've given you a mission and so you changed your face

(guitar solo)
Sneaky Auror girl, sneaky Auror girl
They've given you a mission and so you changed your face

Sneakin' Harry to the Knight Bus one day
Then lyin' in St. Mungo's hurtin' next day
With a muggle she's been SHIP'd
And now she goes on coaster trips*
Odds are you won't see her here tomorrow

Sneaky Auror girl, sneaky Auror girl
They've given you a mission and so you changed your face

A filk and final ode to Tonks by Jason LeBouef to the tune of Hey Jude by the Beatles

Jason takes another drink of butterbeer, he grabs his trusty guitar and steps up to the filking stage. A look of surprise and happiness falls upon the patrons of the recently filkless Hogs Head Inn. Jason approaches the microphone and in a quavering voice begins to speak:

"Ladies and gentlemen, this will be my final ode to my dear Tonks. I've found love in the arms of another muggle, and I'm sure Tonks will be much happier being with someone of her own kind."

Just then, a head of purple hair sticks up out of the crowd, unknown to Jason, who is concentrating on his guitar and singing, knowing full well what has happened, she approaches the stage.

JASON:
Hey Tonks, Don't be so sad
I'm a muggle. You need a wizard
Remember that magic couples live long
And I am sure, you'll be much happier

Hey Tonks, Don't be afraid
You were made to be with a wizard
The minute you let him under your skin
Then you begin to make it better

And anytime you feel the pain
Hey Tonks, refrain, don't think you'll be happy with a Muggle
For well you know that if you did, I'm sure with me
Your magical life will be a struggle
Na na na na na na na na naaa

Hey Tonks, don't let me down
You have found him, now go and get him
Remember to let him into your heart
Then you can start to make it better

So let me out and let him in
Hey Tonks, begin, you're waiting for someone to transform with
And don't I know you will pull through
Hey Tonks, you knew, the wizard you need is just a Weasley
Na na na na na na na na naaa

Hey Tonks, Don't be so sad
I'm a Muggle. You need a wizard
Remember to let him under your skin (RON: Got the wrong chord! Bloody `ell)
Then you begin to make it
Better Better Better Better Better Better
Ahhhhhhhhhh

Naaaa naaaa naaa nana naa naaa, nana naa naaaaa, Hey Tonks

Repeat 1000x. The patrons gather around Tonks with wands lit and waving in the air begins to sing along.

Naaaa naaaa naaa nana naa naaa, nana naa naaaaa, Hey Tonks
OWWWW yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
Woooo ooohhh aahhhhhh
Tonks Tonks-a Tonka Tonka Tonka Tonka OW WOW!
Tonks Tonks Tonks Tonnnnkkks
Oh yeah yeah
You know you can make it you just gotta break it!
Don't make it bad Tonks
Tonks Hey Tonks
WOOWWWWWWW!!!! Ohhh Tonks
Hey hey hey hey hey
Na na na na na na NA NA NA NA NA OWWWW WOWW!!!
YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! YEAH!
Ma ma mama ma ma ma mama…

A filk by Alessandra C. to the tune of Nikita by Elton John

When I initially wrote this song, it wasn't yet canon. I was sooo happy when it turned into a real ship.

LUPIN:
Hey Tonks are you bored
In your corner of the Ministry
You can search the wizarding world
And never find a warmer soul to know.

Oh I saw you at Hogwarts
Ten of your tin Aurors in a row
You change your hair to look like fire
You're clumsy but you always play your role.

Oh Tonks you will never know, anything about my love
I'll never know how good it feels to hold you
Tonks I need you so
Oh Tonks I'm a werewolf and so I'll never declare you
Counting you tin Aurors in a row
Oh no, Tonks you'll never know.

Do you ever dream of me
Do you ever see the way I look at you
When I howl to the moon
Tonks you know, that's my doom.

And if there comes a time Fudge 'n' Shacklebolt no longer hold you in
And if you're free to make a choice
Look towards Grimmauld Place and find a friend.

Oh Tonks you will never know, anything about my love
I'll never know how good it feels to hold you
Tonks I need you so
Oh Tonks I'm a werewolf and so I'll never declare you
Counting you tin Aurors in a row
Oh, Tonks you'll never know.

A filk by R.J. Lupin to the tune of Freddy, My Love from Grease

Tonks once again dreams of her and Remus being together.

TONKS:
Remus, my love
I wish that you could understand
Remus, my love
That for me there's only one man
I know it's hard for you to think of me this way
Never expecting that we could come to this day
I only wish that you would listen to me say
You are my love
Remus, my love
Remus, my love
Remus, my love

Remus, oh please
Why won't you just give us a try?
'Cause I believe
We need each other, you and I
I really don't see why you tell me all these "can't"s
Because you can, I know, if you'd just give a chance
And finally, then we could have a hot romance
Remus, my love
Remus, my love
Remus, my love
Remus, my love

I know that you're a werewolf
But I would still stay there
I know you say you're too old
But why should we compare?
I know you say you're too poor
But that I can just ignore
You say it's just foolishness
"It's dangerous"
I don't care!
Oh...

Remus, you know
We'll be together in the end
Then we will go
And become lovers, not just friends
I cannot wait until somewhere, maybe a pub
You will propose as you confess to me your love
Then we can have those multi-colored werewolf cubs
Remus, my love
Remus, my love, Remus, my love, Remus, my love

Say I'm your love, say I'm your love, say I'm your love

"Tonks, you're my love, Tonks you're my love, Tonks you're my love"

Remus, my love, Remus, my love, Remus, my love

Remus, my love...

A filk by Jason LeBouef to the tune of Pinball Wizard by The Who

My favorite characters got SHIPped! Way to go JK!

LUPIN:
Ever since I was a young boy, I shied away from girls
My werewolf side would frighten, I must've made them hurl
But I ain't seen nothin' like her, purple hair and all
That metaphorph fine girl knew how to make me fall

Her dad was a muggle, her mum a witch you see
Changing her appearance at will so naturally
Called her Nymphadora, but she just likes it Tonks
That metamorph fine girl knew how to make me fall

She's a half-blood princess
How could I even miss
A half-blood princess
Got me in a such a twist

BILL:
Why do you think she loves you?

LUPIN:
I don't know
Can I be that good?

I change into a werewolf, at full moon it is hell
She sees right through the sickness, understands as well
I don't see why she likes me, I have no friends at all
That metamorph fine girl knew how to make me fall

I thought I was a bad freak of nature
Till I just handed my lonely heart to her

Even in my darkest hour, she can treat me best
With tender love and wolfsbane, I can say that I'm blest
We match it's just like magic, Myers-Briggs and all
That metamorph fine girl knew how to make me fall

A filk by R.J. Lupin to the tune of the same name by Queen

SCENE: Arthur and Molly Weasley, who have long ago found out the Remus/Tonks ship before most everyone else on page 624 U.S. and 582 U.K., and even before HBP, confront Remus about his denied feelings for Tonks whilst he is in their kitchen and no one else (except Bill and Fleur) is around.

ARTHUR:
We have seen the look that's in your eyes
When she's near you
How you look when she must say goodbye

MOLLY:
Plus we've heard her words of lonely cries
And we fear you
Might just let your lovelife pass right by

ARTHUR and MOLLY:
Ooh... love
Ooh... lover boy
We know she's your world
Hey boy
She thinks of ya
'Cause she loves ya
And she wants to become your Metamorphus girl

Bill and Fleur, who have been snogging on the couch, decide to add some background vocals to help Arthur and Molly's cause. Fleur, however, doesn't even really know what she's singing and is only doing it because Bill is.

ARTHUR AND MOLLY: (and BILL and FLEUR)
Ooh... tell her how you're feeling (go snogging, snogging)
Ooh... 'cause we know your love's real (Oooh)
Come on, it can't be denied
Tell her how you feel inside
Remus, come now you can't hide

REMUS: (and ARTHUR and MOLLY)
I'd like for you to now not talk about this (let's talk about this)
'Cause I swear to you we'll never kiss

ARTHUR and MOLLY:
Ooh... love
Ooh... lover boy
REMUS:
I am not in love!
ARTHUR and MOLLY:
Sure, boy
REMUS:
Too old for her
Nymphadora
So I'll assure ya we'd never have love or joy

He suddenly changes his tact and drifts off into dreamy fantasies of Tonks

REMUS: (and ARTHUR, MOLLY, BILL, and FLEUR)
But when she's with me
All of it seems fine
She's mine (You know you adore, want her yours...)
When she speaks with me
She so honestly
Sees me, sees me

He then realizes what he is doing and snaps out of it

BILL:
Remus, don't you get it now
Remus, you got it bad
REMUS:
I will not say it
'Cause I won't obey it
Ain't her lover boy!

Bill and Fleur go back upstairs, but not before a few loud snogs so that Remus will take notice

REMUS:
Spending time with her, it means nothing-
ARTHUR and MOLLY
We saw signs and we know that it means-
REMUS:
-Although we-
ARTHUR and MOLLY:
-Everything.
REMUS:
-May discuss about us quite briefly
Even if she says she understands
Lycanthropy
That does not mean that we were meant to be!
ARTHUR and MOLLY:
But we know you are!

Again, Remus drifts off

REMUS: (and ARTHUR and MOLLY)
Ooh... Tonks (There he goes again)
Ooh... oh that Tonks (Just like our good old fashioned lover boy)
So it might be love
ARTHUR and MOLLY:
Yeah, boy
REMUS:
But I promise you
It won't go through
That's because I'm a poor old werewolf-
ARTHUR and MOLLY:
Not true!
REMUS:
Lover boy

A filk by R.J. Lupin to the tune of Light My Candle from the film version of Rent

NOTE: I have realized that Tonks doesn't seem to care about Sirius at all. Sorry. Had to be done to poke some fun at Sirius/Remus.

SCENE: It's Grimmauld Place, after an Order meeting one night. Remus is heading down a hallway to go up to bed, when Tonks comes across him.

REMUS:
What do you want?
TONKS:
Just to talk
REMUS:
I know you- you're- you're scheming now
TONKS:
Of course not, what makes you think that?
But now that you've brought it up I could ask
Would you stay up with me?
What are you staring at?

REMUS:
Nothing! Your hair is so vibrant
It's very striking
Kind of like it
TONKS:
But I feel more like a mouse brown
You'd not guess 'cause I'm perky though I'm down
What?

REMUS:
Nothing! Your smile reminded me of-
TONKS:
I always remind people of- who is it?
REMUS:
He's dead. I called him Padfoot
TONKS: (who has always suspected Remus of having a relationship with Sirius. She mutters to herself)
I hope you're bi!
Sorry 'bout the guy
Would you stay up with me?

REMUS:
Er...
TONKS:
Yeah? Mmm...
REMUS:
Oh, the moon, it's-
TONKS:
-not full. I like it, I think it's-
REMUS:
-So late! I thought so
Oh well. Goodnight

Remus walks up a set of stairs and down a few more hallways when there's a 'thump' and he turns around to see Tonks on the floor behind him.

REMUS:
So you're back again?
TONKS:
Nah- it's just I tripped on my shoe
REMUS:
I know, it's not new 'cause I know you
And I know what you do

He peers at her and realizes that there are no shoes on the floor and she is not wearing any either

REMUS:
Hey, there's no shoe!

Embarassed that Remus figured that part out, Tonks stands up again

TONKS:
Oh, really? Well, I still fell
And now I'm a mess
Please tell me- is dirt on my dress?
REMUS:
Your dress?

Remus peers at her again and now realizes that she is now wearing a rather tight form-fitting dress. He stares.

TONKS:
I've heard that I have the best ass
Of all the Order. Is it true?
REMUS:
What?
TONKS:
You're staring again
REMUS:
Oh no
I mean, you do-- it's very
I mean-- you're awf'lly cunning!
TONKS:
Like your dead boyfriend
REMUS:
Just 'cause your his cuz
But I know you're up to something else

TONKS:
Do you listen to Weird Sisters?
They say this is the night
REMUS:
Hmm?
Those dimwits sing nonsense
TONKS:
Like magic works?
REMUS:
They also think that it's cool
To become hairy!
TONKS:
We could stay up all night
Oh please stay with me all night

REMUS:
Why don't you forget that stuff?
You know you're still so young
TONKS:
No, I'm not
It's just you think you're old!
Learn how mature I am
REMUS:
And then you'll learn I'm no man
Inside I'm wolf at the core
TONKS:
But I don't care-- I told you
REMUS:
And I'm so poor
TONKS:
That's nothing too
REMUS:
Uh huh?
You'll ruin your whole life with me
TONKS:
But being with you makes me-
REMUS:
Oh no
TONKS:
-Feel good
REMUS: (looking in his pockets for chocolate to distract her)
Oh, here, um
TONKS:
What's that?
REMUS: (sadly realizing it's only the wrapper
) Chocolate bar wrapper
TONKS:
We could stay up all night
Oh won't you stay with me all night?

REMUS: (nearly giving in)
I'm gonna regret
TONKS:
Don't live with regret, just
Love all you get
REMUS:
Maybe I really better go
We've still got time so no-
-One would know
TONKS:
Oh, Remus
Oh, Remus

And now Tonks starts to wrap her arms around him

REMUS:
I can't-
TONKS:
Please do
Scared?
Oh what is this?
Do you wanna kiss?
REMUS:
With you?
TONKS: (mocks him)
No- with your boyfriend
REMUS: (mocks her back)
Oh Nymphie!
TONKS:
Don't call me
By 'Nymphie'
Just Tonks!

And then slowly they kiss. A lot.

A filk by R.J. Lupin to the tune of What I've Been Looking For from Disney Channel's High School Musical

Well, it's another Remus/Tonks filk, but who can resist writing one of those? The song has been lodged in my head for weeks, and I just had to filk it.

The Remus/Tonks shippers weren't the only ones happy when J.K. Rowling made it canon...

REMUS:
It's hard to believe that Jo couldn't see
REMUS and TONKS:
The fans would ship us together
The sixth book came 'round, I thought I was bound
To be alone, but we're together

TONKS:
This werewolf's like no other
REMUS and TONKS:
And now she/he is mine

I never thought someone would make our ship come true
Who could've known?
I never thought someone would let me be with you
I'm not alone
So long I would plead, "Jo, help me, please do"
And you're just what I need

TONKS:
Not Kingsley or Bill
Not even Charlie
REMUS and TONKS:
There's only one for me
REMUS:
It's not Lily or Snape
Sirius won't do
The only
REMUS and TONKS:
One I want is you

REMUS:
This Auror's like no other
REMUS and TONKS:
And now she/he is mine

I never thought someone would make our ship come true
Who could've known?
I never thought someone would let me be with you
I'm not alone
So long I would plead, "Jo, help me, please do"
And you're just what I need

Doo doo doo
Doo doo doo doo doo doo
Whoa- oh- oh- oh
Doo doo doo doo
Doo doo doo doo doo doo
Whoa- oh- oh- oh

A filk by Phyllis to the tune of Billy Joel's Piano Man

Dedicated to those characters mentioned in passing in earlier books who receive fuller development later in the series.

It's Twelve Grimmauld Place on my first day
Dumbledore's old crowd shuffles in
There's a rag pile sitting next to me
Making love to his tobacco tin

He says, "Son, I owe you an apology
But I had a real need to flee
See, I would not have left
Except I was to net
A business opportunity"

Puff on your pipe you're the Mundungus Man
Puff on your pipe tonight
Well we're not in the mood for a smelly cloud
And you've got us feeling uptight

Now Sirius was my father's best friend
He sometimes confuses me
And he's quick to confess or to clean up the mess
But there's someplace that he'd rather be

He says, "Harry, I think this is killing me"
As a smile ran away from his face
"Well, I'm sure that I could help the Order out
If I could get out of this place"

Now Lupin is an unemployed werewolf
For whom there is no lasting cure
And he's talking with brother Bill, who's with Gringotts still
And probably will marry Fleur

And Fred and George are practicing magic tricks
As Mrs. Weasley quickly gets mad
They have a talent for making happiness
Which is better than keeping us sad

Cut us a deal you're the Mundungus Man
Cut us a deal tonight
Well we're not in the mood for a pleaseman bust
And you've got us feeling uptight

It takes a skillful crowd to fight Death Eaters
And Mr. Weasley gives me a smile
`Cause he knows it's my fate to be Voldemort's bait
To rid the world of wizards so vile

And the Black portraits sound like a carnival
And the door handle looks like a snake
And they sit at the table and dole stew with a ladle
And say "The weapon he must not take?"

Stay on your guard you're the Mundungus Man
Stay on your guard tonight
We're not in the mood for a dementor's kiss
And you've got us feeling uptight

A filk by Ginger to the tune of Mr Sandman by the Chordettes

FRED & GEORGE , working hard on their new Snackboxes, find themselves in need of a few, shall we say, hard to come by ingredients.

FRED & GEORGE:
Dung, Dung, Dung, Dung, Dung, Dung, Dung, Dung, etc.

Mr. Fletcher, bring us some seeds.
Oh, Great Purveyor of Illicit Needs.
For bloody nose, or nauseus tummy,
Just make sure that we don't get caught by Mummy!

Fletcher, now we've the clout
To make this venture in joke sales work out.
Candy that will make you bleed!
Mr Fletcher, bring us a seed.

Dung, Dung, Dung, Dung, Dung, Dung, Dung, Dung, etc.

Mr Fletcher, bring us some seed,
And pardon us if we play on your greed.
We've got the murtlap and the doxie venom-
Oh, my, the things that our new treats have in'em!

Fletcher, such a good bloke.
Too bad old Moody can see through your cloak.
So let's reword what we agreed-
Mr Fletcher, give us the seeds.

Dung, Dung, Dung, Dung, Dung, Dung, Dung, Dung, etc.

Mr Fletcher, once we move on
From Good old Hogwarts up to Diagon
We'll have a stash of things that are funny,
And, too, we'll have a stash of Wizard money.

Fletcher, glory and fame,
A trade where Weasley's the prominent name.
You're such a friend, a friend indeed,
Mr Fletcher, bring us, please, please, please,
Mr Fletcher, bring us a seed.

Ginger, wondering if the WW has an FDA, and how F&G would explain their ingredients should they ever be investigated.

Return Home