Quidditch

To the tune of The Game of Love by Wayne Fortana

THE SCENE: KENNILWORTHY WHISP arrives at Hogwarts to lecture on the great game of Wizards. All four Teams are present (in Quidditch robes) to serve as CHORUS

WHISP (& CHORUS)
The purpose of a Snitch is to dodge a Seeker,
And the purpose of a Seeker is to grab a Snitch,
So come on players today's the day, come on players let's play
(The game with brooms, brooms, ba ba ba ba ba brooms)

It started long ago in the marshes of Queerditch
And now you can believe it's the one game for me
So come on players today we'll fly come players let's try
(The game with brooms, brooms, ba ba ba ba ba brooms)

Come on Bats, and Appleby Arrows
Come on Kenmare and ol' Montrose
Holyhead, Puddlemere, Tornados
Play the game with brooms!

The purpose of Quaffles is for scorin' ten points
And the purpose of Keepers is to block those points
So come on Keepers play keep-away, chase on Chasers and play
(The game with brooms, brooms, ba ba ba ba ba brooms)

Come on Cannons, do it for Chudley
Wimbourne and the Pride of grand Portree
Falmouth, Wigtown, Caerphilly
Play the game with brooms!

The purpose of Bludgers is to cream the players
And the purpose of the Beaters is to Bludgers whack
So come on Beaters let's beat today, teammates, take it away
(The game with brooms, brooms, ba ba ba ba ba brooms)

The game with brooms, (brooms), brooms, (brooms), ba ba ba ba ba brooms
The game with brooms, (brooms), brooms, (brooms), ba ba ba ba ba brooms

(The game with brooms, baby, the game of ba ba ba ba brooms)
(The game with brooms, baby, the game of ba ba ba ba brooms)

A filk by GiNnY to the tune of Asereje (The Ketchup Song) by Las Ketchup

Note: The version of The Ketchup Song used for this filk is the Spanish-English version.

Get those brooms ready to fly,
Our opponents will fry.
Off we all go to play Quidditch.
Feel the magic in the air,
The wind blowing through your hair,
Watched by every wizard and witch.

Refrain:
When the Ref throws up the Quaffle,
Start to focus on the battle,
Be alert and see you look out for the Bludger. And when the Snitch flies by so fast,
Chase it and don't look so aghast,
Catch it and you will end the game, you must fly stronger!
Dodge the beaters, you can catch it, just go faster...

Chorus:
Go get the Snitch!
No, don't flinch,
You have to beat the opposing team's fast Seeker
Make sure you do not go and fly yourself in the ditch.
(Repeat chorus 2x)

Seekers should be brave and daring.
Oh, the danger's escalating
Often they have to be rescued.
They've been known to take some cursing,
In the desert, apparating,
Wand'ring around for years with no clue.

Repeat Refrain

Repeat Chorus 3x

A nanana...

(Repeat Chorus 9x)

A filk by Stella to the tune of Strawberry Fields Forever by the Beatles

Let me take you down
'Cause I'm going to the Quidditch field
Where life is surreal
There's nothing to get hung about
We'll play Quidditch forever

Living is easy when you know
how to play Quidditch up with me
Playing is never hard and you know it will always work out

Let me take you down
'Cause I'm going to the Quidditch field
Where life is surreal
There's nothing to get hung about
We'll play Quidditch forever
No one, I think, would disagree
Zooming around up high and low
Leaving behind all your troubles,
It's suddenly alright and nothing ever will be bad

Let me take you down
'Cause I'm going to the Quidditch field
Where life is surreal
There's nothing to get hung about
We'll play Quidditch forever

Some people hate our sport, but to me
it always feels just like a dream
And I don't know if what I'm doing is right or wrong
It always seems just right to me

Let me take you down
'Cause I'm going to the Quidditch field
Where life is surreal
There's nothing to get hung about
We'll play Quidditch forever

We'll play Quidditch forever

We'll play Quidditch forever

To the tune of It's Today, from Jerry Herman's Mame

THE TIME: Early 10th-Century or so. A CHORUS OF EARLY MEDIEVAL WITCHES & WIZARDS celebrate some of the predecessors of the Noble Sport of Wizards

CHORUS OF WITCHES & WIZARDS
Burn the barrels
Swell the bladder
Raise the pole up,
Time to play!
Let us look back to the very first day
When we needed something we could fly
You know that it was a broomstick that all of us soon picked, here's why

CHORUS OF WIZARDS
It's a time for deeds of daring
As we climb towards solar rays

CHORUS OF WITCHES
Send the brooms up
Bring our fans in
Now we'll zoom up,
Time to play!

CHORUS OF WITCHES & WIZARDS
So we started
Some brand-new games
With some odd names
We'll survey

CHORUS OF WITCHES
When it's Stichstock,
Make your broom sharp
See each witch rock
When it's Stichstock,
Time to play

CHORUS OF WIZARDS
Don the cauldrons
Bang the slow drum
Blow the horn loud
Time to play.

Here's the game that is played by us Scotsman
We place cauldrons atop every head
And we collect falling boulders
As we're all made bolder - or dead
Doo doo doo doo dah

CHORUS OF WITCHES
There's a meet in snowy Sweden
They compete in to this day
From Kopparberg
To Arjeplog
Past the iceberg
Time to play.

CHORUS OF WITCHES & WIZARDS
It's a time for deeds of daring
As we climb towards solar rays
Send the brooms up,
Drop the rocks down,
Raise the pole up,
Flee the Short-Snout,
Hallelujah!
Time to play!
Hey!

To the tune of We Need a Little Christmas, from Jerry Herman's Mame

The Scene: Queerditch Marsh, 11th Century. Two teams prepare to compete in the new game of Queerditch, much to the disgust of local witch Gertie Keddle

SCOTTISH WARLOCK
Lend me some leather
Soar on your broom before ol' Gertie screams again.
Head for the marshes
For now the crucial thing is, start the game again now.

For we need a little Queerditch
Right this very second,
Boulders bid us welcome
Broomsticks bravely beckon
Yes, we need a little Queerditch
Right this very second,
We had enough of hodge & swiven
It's time we had us some real livin'

GERTIE
You guys act so dimly
This is the biggest waste of time I've ever seen.
You're all such fruitcakes
It's time I flung some hexes at you great hairy cows
For I want to shun the boulders
Going back to bladders,
Going to less odder
Games that are less madder

And I have a lot of anger
With some hostile chatter
Ditch your queer Queerditch game now!

CHORUS OF PLAYERS
Soon on our broomsticks
You may presume we'll zoom through each and ev'ry game

GERTIE
I think it's shocking

SCOTTISH WARLOCK:
But Gertie K., each Tuesday, you watch till the sun's down.

CHORUS OF PLAYERS
For you need a little Queerditch
When out in your cabbage,
Though we may seem hairy
And a little savage
Yes, you need a little Queerditch
Right this very second

SCOTTISH WARLOCK:
`Cause after us you'll never settle
For boring days out in the nettles

CHORUS OF PLAYERS:
Perhaps we act dimly
And it's the biggest waste of time that's ever been
Because we're fruitcakes,
But in a thousand years they'll still play Queerditch, we vow
All we need's a little magic,
Need a bigger basket,
Need a greener field
Secrecy to mask it,
And we need to not let purty
Gertie blow a gasket
Need a little Queerditch now.

Instrumental bridge, as the two teams soar into action, cheered on by Gwenog, Gertie's neighbor.

GWENOG & CHORUS:
Need a little Queerditch now!

To the tune of St. Bridget, from Jerry Herman's Mame

THE YEAR: 1269. THE SCENE: Madam Modesty Rabnott intervenes in a Quidditch game on behalf of an endangered bird.

MODESTY RABNOTT:
Poor Snidget, delivered to a Quidditch game
By Chief of the Council Barberus Bragg.
All those who would hunt you I hold up to blame
For the murder of birds just makes me gag.

The players competed for the prize Bragg set
A purse of a hundred-fifty Gall.
But I'll not permit them to make good their threat
Accio to me, Snidget, you little birdie,
Bea-ea-ea-ea-ea-ea-ea-ea-eak and all.

Speaking, as she pens a letter to her sister

They fined me, Prudence, but I've still got the Hippogriff!

(music)
So if you have pity on your poor sister,
Look for me, dear old Prudence, I'll live in your old
Noo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-ook this fall.

To the tune of The Man In The Moon, from Mame

The Year: 1419 - With a wordless chorus in the background, the CHIEF OF THE WIZARDS' COUNCIL reminds the community of the penalties that will ensue for playing Quidditch "anywhere near any place where there might be a Muggle watching."

CHORUS:
Oooooh
Aaaaaaaaah...

COUNCIL CHIEF:
We have our wizard secrets we'd like to defend
But it seems some have brooms that in daylight descend
Those with magic should stay out of view
But there's unseemly gossip, and rumors report
Of a warlock too careless in playing his sport
Just make sure this won't happen to you…..

The man on the broom was arrested
For playing with Muggles in sight
Take care, all you flyers
To heed Zacharias
And only chase Quaffles at night.

1362, we first gave this decree:
"Do not fly near a town
Where the Muggles might see."
Though his friends all say he didn't plan it
We do not really give a fig
At no Snitch he'll be lungin'
Whilst chained in our dungeon.
The man on the broom's in the brig.

To the title tune of Jerry Herman's musical Mame

The year 1473 saw the first ever World Quidditch Cup……the final between Transylvania and Flanders has gone down in history as the most violent of all time and many of the fouls then recorded had never been seen before - for instance, the transfiguration of a Chaser into a polecat, the attempted decapitation of a Keeper with a broadsword, and the release, from under the robes of the Transylvanian Captain, of a hundred blood-sucking vampire bats.

- Kennilworthy Whisp, Quidditch Through the Ages, Chapter 7

THE TIME: The Year 1473. THE SCENE: The first World Quidditch Cup game. The Flanders and Transylvania Quidditch Teams trash-talk their way to 700 fouls.

BOTH QUIDDITCH TEAMS:
We meet at the first World Quidditch Cup game,
We from Flanders and Transylvania came
We say of our opponents
That they are not guys of whom we're overfond
Therefore a key component
Of our strategy will be to use our wands

FLANDERS QT:
We think the Transylvanians are quite lame

TRANSYLVANIA QT:
We cry those folks from Flanders are no-name

BOTH QUIDDITCH TEAMS:
Rules are made to be broken and to
Break them all has now become our aim
Send forth the news by owl again,
We're going to disembowel again
Our team is going to foul and then maim.

FLANDERS BEATER:
I made their Seeker's broom burst into flame

TRANSYLVANIAN KEEPER:
Right at their Chasers I with an axe came

BOTH QUIDDITCH TEAMS:
The action's hot and heavy,
The referees are fleeing for their lives
As we unleash a bevy
Of nifty tricks involving clubs and knives

FLANDERS QT:
This makes the boulder games of old seem tame
We may play dirty but we're not to blame
We made that Keeper feller turn purple, then we turned him to a dame

TRANSYLVANIA QT:
You see what they are mucking at
Chasers changed to unlucky cats
So let loose the blood-sucking bats!
Maim!

A squad of Wizards from the Wizards Council fly in to interrupt the action

CHORUS OF WIZARDS COUNCIL WIZARDS:
Well, stop the game, dismount your brooms, there's been some brawling here, we assume
With battery, bludgering, stabbing and strikes - shame!
Thanks to your rude and rowdy pact, we're going to read you the riot act
You're in hotter water than any would like, shame!
So now you'll avail yourselves of our jail
Where criminal felons are flung
Quite loud you'll be pleading when we start the bleeding
And having you hostages hung
Your soaring and zooming, your warring and brooming have put you in the frying pan
For both your teams are off to Azkaban!

BOTH QUIDDITCH TEAMS:
These bureaucrats all prove to be the same
Men of stout resolution they defame
Let's curse, let's swear, let's bonk 'em
And let's smash 'em on the head with picture frames
Our nostrils throb and palpitate
Our foes we shall decapitate
Our fans are in a happy state,
Maim!

Instrumental bridge, as the two Quidditch teams unite to drive off the governmental interlopers with an increasingly formidable array of deadly medieval weaponry. After the last quill-pusher is dispatched, they unite in song.

BOTH QUIDDITCH TEAMS:
We will be asking to axe Azkaban, Azkaban, Azkaban…..
(different vocal ranges repeat)
We've just held the first World Quidditch Cup game,
Flanders and Transylvania proclaim!
We had our wands a-wavin' and hexin' ev'ry person we opposed
There's so much mis-behavin' that which team caught the Snitch is undisclosed.

This match will bring us glory and great fame
Luster will be attached to every name
Whoever thought that seven hundred fouls could be committed in one game?
Not since the days of Camelot
Has magic mayhem been so hot
Now, is this one great game or what?
Maim! Maim! Maim! Maim!
Maim!

To the tune of My Best Girl from Jerry Herman's Mame

THE SCENE: A British Quidditch field, 1883. The Department of Magical Games and Sports ignites controversy when they force teams to adopt standard-sized hoops to replace the beloved baskets of yore

QUIDDITCH PLAYER (to his basket)
You're my best goal, and you're neither too big or long
No matter how strong foes be
I know they'll never score to win
'Cause you're too small to sink it in

And when we play, our other goal, as you see
Is as large as the great Welsh Green
You won't disappoint, I'll score my ten points
In my goal.

MINISTRY OFFICIAL:
It's your last game with baskets of different size
It's a national disgrace
We say to all of you wise guys
The time has come to standardize
In this next game a new goal post I've installed
Is taking your basket's place,
Despite your dismay, we're doing away
With your goal.

PLAYER & MINISTRY OFFICIAL
And on this day once every fan runs amok,
You'll/I'll need to escape post-haste
If baskets you/I burn
And dare overturn
Our/Your best goal...

Our/Your best goal...

To the tune of Bosom Buddies, from Jerry Herman's Mame

NOTE: Written on October 3, 2004, the day after the Chicago Cubs (who also have the initials CC) lost yet another pennant.

THE SCENE: Two loyal Cannons fan celebrate(?) their team and its chronic misfortunes

BOTH
We root for the Chudley Cannons,
To the bitter end
We'll cheer on the Chudley Cannons,
They're last in the league, so
They don't have big egos.

FIRST FAN
Though their brooms are as slow as turtles

SECOND FAN
Though each game will be lost

BOTH
In spite of that, for our team, the Chudley Cannons
We'll keep keeping our fingers crossed.

SECOND FAN (spoken)
Tho' now and again we may think that our Quidditch opponents might lose

FIRST FAN (spoken)
Tho' sometimes some false expectations might rise
That it's going to be at last our year:
"The championship will naturally be ours."

SECOND FAN (spoken):
Until the season actually begins, then hope dies
[singing] But oh well...

BOTH:
We'll cheer for the Chudley Cannons
SECOND FAN:
Our heroes
FIRST FAN:
In orange
BOTH:
Though they have us agonizing
SECOND FAN:
Being the chronic dwellers
BOTH:
In the Quidditch cellar
SECOND FAN:
Though they may rarely throw the Quaffle or win it with the Snitch
In spite of that, we'll root for the Chudley Cannons
Our loyalties will not be switched.

FIRST FAN: [speaking]
Each time that their critics have written, "The Cannons can't get any worse,"
Right straightaway they're proved incorrect
That's when we pull up our bootstraps and each man on the team grits his teeth
And we say, "Let's give 'em something they'll never expect!"
[singing] We get worse!

SECOND FAN:
So be off with your Falmouth Falcons
Likewise, your Magpies
It's simply that we root for the Chudley Cannons
Though half our players cannot fly.

FIRST FAN: [speaking]
I feel it's my duty to tell you it's no longer 1892
We cannot say "We Shall Conquer" when we constantly flub.
Exactly whose team are we most like? Let's think!
SECOND FAN:
Well, what teams do you think?
FIRST FAN:
I'd say somewhere in between the '62 Mets and the '04 Cubs!
BOTH:[singing]
But really....

SECOND FAN:
Holyhead may end up ahead
The Wasps may really sting
Puddlemere may stay United
And the Kenmare Kestrals
Fly faster than thestrals.

FIRST FAN:
And though they say that speed and power makes a team finish first,
In spite of that, we'll cheer on the Chudley Cannons
Although we no doubt are perverse

BOTH:
We cheer for the Chudley Cannons
'Cause we're pessimistic
And quite masochistic
So we just ignore the abuse
Remember that who else but the Chudley Cannons
No offense or defense
It takes out the suspense
You know in advance they will lose!

To the tune of That's How Young I Feel from Jerry Herman's Mame

The United States has not produced as many world-class Quidditch teams as other nations because the game has had to compete with the American broom game Quodpot.

- Kennilworthy Whisp, Quidditch Through the Ages, Chapter 8

CHORUS OF AMERICAN WITCHES & WIZARDS
From the Atlantic to the Pacific
It bangs it booms and it's so terrific
We're on the Quodpot Trail
Every Wizard from Indiana
To California and Alabama
Is on the Quodpot Trail

We're eager to seize that quod
And slam it right in the pot
(Cram it in the cauldron)

The Carolinas and both Dakotas
Join in the game to which we're devoted
To hope their teams prevail
Start cheering
And hit the Quodpot trail

Our players with great aplomb
Are going to throw the bomb
(Cram it in the cauldron)

From San Francisco to Philadelphia
To Louisiana the fans will yell for ya
With joyous shouts they hail
Their players
When on the Quodpot Trail

Instrumental

We find not even a slight erosion
Of love for the game and its explosions
That's on the Quodpot trail
Forever grateful is just how we should
Toward that inventor named Ab'ram Peasegood
Who made the Quodpot trail
So keep your Quaffles and Golden Snitches
We Yankee Wizards and Yankee witches
Will follow without fail
Our players
Who fly the Quodpot Trail
Quodpot Trail
Quodpot Trail
Quodpot Trail
That's the Quod
The Quod, yeah, pot Trail!

To the tune of Open a New Window from Jerry Herman's Mame

THE SCENE: A century of aerodynamic broomstick progress is commemorated.

LEONARD JEWKES:
Hop on a new Arrow
Hop on and then soar,
Travel at such high speeds
That no one has flown before
Before you had just a Moontrimmer,
Maybe an Oakshaft,
Neither of which can cope
With superior magic craft
The broomstick you ought to fly has high velocity
Touching the sky yet in control
And flyers can now advance their virtuosity
Here is the broom that you'll extol….

BOB, BILL & BARNABY OLLERTON:
…..And show 'em how to fly on a new Cleansweep
Whiz on a new broom
Swoop on a new standard
Old models shall be consumed
There's only one broom that evermore will bloom
Simply leap on a new Cleansweep
An Arrow is too narrow
Savor the new Cleansweep's sonic boom!

BILL OLLERTON
If you play in a Quidditch team
This is a vow I'm certain of
That by the last game of the year
You'll be swapping your old broomsticks
For a Cleansweep that you will love,
And you'll dodge the deadly Bludger
And you always catch the Quaffle
For I promise you your speed'll be
A rate your foes call "awful……"

RANDOLPH KEITCH & BASIL HORTON:
Climb on a new Comet
Come see how it brakes
For we need not comment
That it doesn't make mistakes
So take your Cleansweep and old Arrow
Straight to the pawn shop
Our Comet will soar higher
And then on a Knut will stop.
The broomstick you ought to fly has high velocity
Touching the sky yet in control
The broomsticks of old are now mere curiosities
We have the broom that you'll extol….

NIMBUS MANUFACTURER
And show 'em how to nimbly fly Nimbus
Try it when you play
Only a pure Nimrod
Will disregard what we say
There's only one broom that gives the rest no room,
Simply fly it into the fray
Smash all the old records
Hop on a new Nimbus when you play!

ALL:
Hop on a new broomstick
Hoping for success
Innovation and risk
Will bring about great progress
Unless you find it's a dull failure,
Like Ellerbie's Swiftstick,
The Twigger of Flite-Baker
And all of its trite gimmicks
The progress of which you hear is irresistible,
It is the swift, winning the race
The genius which we possess is inexhaustible,
We are the men setting the pace.

And show 'em how to fly on a new broomstick
Climbing to new heights
Looking to a future
Where everything's bold and bright
To feel alive you merely need to strive

LEONARD JEWKES: So get airborne on your Arrow

BOB, BILL & BARNABY OLLERTON: Sweep on a new Cleansweep

RANDOLPH KEITCH & BASIL HORTON:Come to a new Comet

NIMBUS MANUFACTURER: Nimbly with Nimbus

A representative from Firebolt enters, bearing the Firebolt broomstick

FIREBOLT MAKER: Hire a Firebolt when you play!