Aspects of Fanon

Hey Jo by Gail and Lilac
Jo Ro From The Block by Cindysphinx
My Baby's in Love with Harry Potter by Deanna Rubin
*Harry Potter's Loony Grown-up Fans by the Sargeant Majorette
*Harry Potter by Gail
*Turn the Plot Around by Tracy Hunt
Fan Fiction Writer by Gail
*The Fic That I've Read Somewhere by Tann
*It's a Real Flint by Phyllis
It's A Rumor by Gail
Ode to Mary Sue by Anne Urbanski
Hello Mary Sue by Pippin
*Mary Sue by Indigo Ziona
Posts Fantastic Posts by Eloise
Warner Legal Hacks
The Crayons of the Box
One Day More by Heidi Tandy
Don't Cry for Us, HP Fandom by Heidi Tandy and Chris Dickson
Didn't We Almost Have The Card? by Lilac
Isn't it Irrelevant?
National Library Week by Anne Urbanski
*Ya Got Trouble by shellebelle
**Decry Those Children's Books by Salazar
Consider This Elf
*Carried Away With A Teenage Wizard by Indigo Ziona
*Peace on Earth, Good Will Toward HP4GU by Grannybat
*If You Give Me Your Attention by Indigo Ziona
*Whiny Harry Club by Jake A. Ralphing
**You Are Rich, JK Rowling by Red Scharlach
**I.F. (Irritating Fanwank) by Red Scharlach
**Hare Potter by John Newmark
**Harry Potter or, Rowling's Soliloquy by Nymphadora
**You Don't Post For Hours by Randy Estes
**Good Riddance to Voldemort: Time of Our Lives (A Tribute to JK Rowling) by weirdsis
**She Writes Sins and Tragedies by The Final Stillness of Saturn
***Canon-Defiers' Anthem by Miranda Shadowind
***Re-Fredding Sequence by Miranda Shadowind
***Those Were the Threads by Potioncat

* = Post-OOP
** = Post-HBP
*** = post-DH

Copyright 2000-2003 by Caius Marcius, except My Baby's in Love with Harry Potter Copyright 2000 by Deanna Rubin; Posts Fantastic Posts Copyright 2002 by Eloise; Didn't We Almost Have The Card? Copyright 2002 by Lilac; One Day More Copyright 2002 by Heidi Tandy; Don't Cry for Us, HP Fandom Copyright 2002 by Heidi Tandy and Chris Dickson; National Library Week and Ode to Mary Sue Copyright 2003 by Anne Urbanski; Hey Jo Copyright 2003 by Gail and Lilac; Harry Potter and It's A Rumor Copyright 2003 by Gail; Jo Ro From The Block Copyright 2003 by Cindysphinx; Hello Mary Sue Copyright 2003 by Pippin; It's a Real Flint Copyright 2003 by Phyllis; Turn the Plot Around Copyright 2003 by Tracy Hunt; Harry Potter's Loony Grown-up Fans Copyright 2003 by the Sargeant Majorette; Ya Got Trouble Copyright 2003 by shellebelle; Peace on Earth, Good Will Toward HP4GU Copyright 2003 by Grannybat; Carried Away With A Teenage Wizard, If You Give Me Your Attention and Mary Sue Copyright 2004 by Indigo Ziona; Whiny Harry Club Copyright 2004 by Jake A. Ralphing; The Fic That I've Read Somewhere Copyright 2005 by Tann; Decry Those Children's Books Copyright 2005 by Salazar; I.F. (Irritating Fanwank) and You Are Rich, JK Rowling Copyright 2006 by Red Scharlach; Hare Potter Copyright 2006 by John Newmark; Harry Potter or, Rowling's Soliloquy Copyright 2007 by Nymphadora; You Don't Post For Hours Copyright 2007 by Randy Estes; Good Riddance to Voldemort: Time of Our Lives Copyright 2007 by weirdsis; She Writes Sins and Tragedies Copyright 2007 by The Final Stillness of Saturn; Canon-Defiers' Anthem and Re-Fredding Sequence Copyright 2008 by Miranda Shadowind; Those Were the Threads Copyright 2011 by Potioncat

A filk by Gail and Lilac (aka ~Lilac Lennon and Gail McCartney) to the tune of Hey Jude by the Beatles

Read the TBAY-intro here

Hey Jo, you we adore
Each of your books keep getting better
We all love your great imagination
And narration of Harry Potter

Hey Jo, you make us smile
It's your style that we think is clever
Your humor, plot twists and those red herrings
Keep us guessing...oh, what an author!

But anytime you need a break, hey Jo, please take
Your true fans won't sit around and smoulder
We'll gladly wait a year or two, or three, it's cool
We know that your kids are getting older

Hey Jo, we're speaking for
This adoring, enormous fandom
We trust you, that you'll stay true to your heart
The story impart, just like you imagined

So write it down and take your time, hey Jo, it's fine
We're thankful that you gave us this series
The tv's off, covered with dust, in books we trust
We'd much rather read about our Harry

Hey Jo, you we adore
Each of your books keep getting better
We all love your great imagination
And narration of Harry Potter
Potter, Potter, Potter, Potter, oh...

(The HP4GU Chorus Sings)
Na na na na na na na, na na na na, hey Jo!

(repeat for about three years)

Here goes my very first (and most likely last) filk to Jennifer Lopez's (that's "J-Lo" to you opera fans) Jenny From The Block by Cindysphinx

clears throat, blows softly into pitch pipe

Don't be fooled by the rocks that I got,
I'm still (I'm still) Jo Ro from the block,
Used to have a little, now I have a lot,
No matter where I go,
I know where I came from,
I'm just Jo Ro from the block.

Insert weird scratching noises, animal grunting

From Philosopher's Stone
To Goblet of Fire
From the schoolbooks
Right down to the wire,
Headline clips
I stay grounded
As the morning sickness rolls in
I promised you a manuscript, I'm real,
Just like Mattie on Oprah (He's real...)
That's just my mix
I'm working on Book Six
Don't hate on me
Just pre-order, you'll see

A filk by Deanna Rubin to the tune of My Baby's in Love with Eddie Vedder by Weird Al

Oh, my baby, my baby she don't want me no more
Ever since she saw the covers in that big book store
She says the scar on his forehead is really sexy
She thinks he's so darn magical he causes epilepsy
She likes his wild black hair and his wide-eyed look
Yeah, he's her very favorite wizard orphan in a book

Well, my baby's in love with Harry Potter
She's all crazy bout that Harry Potter
Once she was mine, but now the Rowling fad has got her
'Cause my baby's in love with Harry Potter

Now, every time I read these books, they seem so sad
I guess it really must suck to lose your mom and your dad
What a pain in the butt for him to find out he's rich
Spending all his time casting spells and playing Quidditch
But my girl can't get enough of his inner struggle
Like he's some tortured genius
And I'm some kinda Muggle

Well, my baby's in love with Harry Potter
She's got a thing for that Harry Potter
Now in the children's books section you can spot her
Oh, my baby's in love with--
I said I said I said my baby's in love with Harry Potter
Head over heels for that Harry Potter
I can't believe that she is jealous of our daughter
'Cause my baby's in love with Harry Potter

I knew we were headin' for trouble
When she caught me hangin' out at the Barnes and Noble
Now she's got a crush, and it's sort of tragic
On the adulated, celebrated designated overrated
Spokesman for the nonexistent Hogwarts School of Magic

Well, I don't carry broomsticks and I don't wear glasses
And I don't do things like take Transfiguration classes
And I just can't compete with all that money and fame
But I know two can play at this kind of game
Yeah, let's just see if I rise her to anger
When I start stalking Hermione Granger

Well, my baby's in love with Harry Potter
She's all crazy 'bout that Harry Potter
Once she was mine, but now she thinks that he's much hotter
Oh, my baby's in love with--
I said I said I said my baby's in love with Harry Potter
Why'd she have to fall for that Harry Potter?
Now that she has left me I wish I coulda caught her
'Cause my baby's in love with Harry Potter

A filk by Tracy Hunt to the tune of Turn the Beat Around by Gloria Estefan

This started out innocently enough with the chorus...but then somehow all of the recent sexual preference theories and SHIPs just jumped in there and I couldn't stop them. I appologize in advance for this one - well not really...just take it with a grain of salt if you're easily offened by such topics - or better yet, if you are easily offended don't read it.

Turn the plot around
Love to hear discussion

Turn it upside down
Love to hear discussion
Love to hear it

Bill, he's lookin' mighty pretty
Lupin keeps him movin' to the nitty gritty
But when you hear the speed of spells they're castin'
Then you'll know this theory isn't just from Canon, so...

Turn the plot around
Love to hear discussion
Turn it upside down
Love to hear discussion
Love to hear it

Turn the plot around
Love to hear discussion
Turn it upside down
Love to hear discussion
Love to hear it

Listees post your thoughts 'cause
I know you want to piss me off
But see, I've not made up my mind about it
To me it is the banter, no doubt about it
Whoa, whoa

'Cause when the SHIPers really get rollin'
With the back-n-forth banter
With the SHIP, SHIP, SHIP
Make me wanna reply hotly
Yeah, yeah, yeah

And when the SHIPper starts spinning that tale
He nails that tale with the back-n-forth banter
With the SHIP, SHIP, SHIP,SHIP, SHIP on the board, hey!

Turn the plot around
Love to hear discussion
Turn it upside down
Love to hear discussion
Love to hear it
Love to hear it
Love to hear it

Turn the plot around
Love to hear discussion
Turn it upside down
Love to hear discussion
Love to hear it....

Turning off the glitter ball and returning to work

A filk by Tann to the tune of The Girl That I Knew Somewhere by Mike Nesmith of the Monkees

You tell me that nobody writes a fic like yours,
And yet I know I've seen these plot-points somewhere.
The same char'cterizations

And the same old complications,
Same prose gyrations as a fic,
A fic that I've read somewhere.

I can't quite call to mind the site I read it on;
It might be fanfic.net -- FictionAlley --
Or maybe on the Sugar Quill.
I only know it makes me ill
When "Snape's long-lost" -- You know the drill,
The drill that Harry's put through somewhere.

Some witch, sometime, will finger Lupin's scars.
Some witch, somehow, will fondle Draco's arse.

I'll back-click now; I just can't read this dreck, again.
My eyeballs are still burning from the last time,
And if your fic's not quite the same,
And you've reviews to back your claim,
That's as may be; I can't remain --
I've got to post my own fic somewhere.

And if your fic's not quite the same,
And you're proud of your writing fame,
You may soon read it -- with my name --
Just like some fics I've posted somewhere.

A filk by Phyllis to the tune of It's a Small World by Richard M. Sherman and Robert B. Sherman

It's a world of laughter
A world of tears
It's a world of hopes
And a world of fears
There's so much that we share
That it's time we're aware
What's a real Flint after all

There is Marcus Flint
Who was in Book Three
Book Two was the last
Time we should have seen
Though Jo tried to explain
He did a year again
It's a real Flint after all

It's a real Flint after all
It's a real Flint after all
It's a real Flint after all
It's a real, true Flint

Harry sees his Mum
And Diggory die
But he doesn't see
Thestrals when they fly
Though Jo tried to explain
He had to feel the pain
It's a real Flint after all

It's a real Flint after all
It's a real Flint after all
It's a real Flint after all
It's a real, true Flint

Ronald's prefect badge
Is scarlet and gold
But Percy's was silver
As Book One told
Since Harry's mind retains
Both pins looking the same
It's a real Flint after all

It's a real Flint after all It's a real Flint after all
It's a real Flint after all
It's a real, true Flint

When Hagrid told us
He flew to the rock
We said "A Flint!"
"A wizard he is not!"
But now there are thestrals
Who come to the rescue
It's a false Flint after all

It's a false Flint after all
It's a false Flint after all
It's a false Flint after all
It's a false, non-Flint

When someone asked, "Where can we find this quote?"
No one could find anything Jo had wrote
Nor interviews in which she might have said
That Harry's fan, in Book Five, would be dead

It's a rumor
And we thought it was another clue
It's a rumor
But it is something that is not true

You can't believe everything that you read
So this advice everybody should heed
All of us must check our sources, my friends
Then hopefully it won't happen again

It's a rumor
And we thought it was another clue
It's a rumor
But it is something that is not true

A filk by Pippin to the tune of Hello, Mary Lou

Hello Mary Sue, Goodbye art
Sweet Mary Sue, she's too good to be true
She's tight with Q, and Buffy too
Hello Mary Sue, goodbye art

She has liquid crystal eyes, she wears boots up to her thighs
She's secretly the child of Voldemort
And an elf-queen in disguise, at her feet the whole world lies
Her wand has got the One Ring at its core

I say "Hello, Mary Sue, Goodbye art"
Sweet Mary Sue, she makes me want to spew
Her faults are few, her heart true blue
Hello, Mary Sue, Goodbye art

Her lips are soft, her voice is cool, guys who see her start to drool
There's fairies nesting in each golden tress
Dragons, monsters, Neville's gran, love her like that little lamb
And even Dumbledore says he's impressed

Hello Mary Sue, goodbye art
Sweet Mary Sue there's nothing she can't do
Take a Firebolt for a spin, fix it with a bobby pin
Hello Mary Sue, goodbye art

Smarter than Hermione, who needs Harry, when there's she
Her destiny is to upstage the star
Boy, that girl sure gets around, she's in fics you must put down
That brilliant and amazing avatar

Hey, Hey, Goodbye Mary Sue, for now we part
Poor Harry's tears will fall just like the rain
As you, once again, die in such pain
It makes me wish he'd croaked you at the start
It's goodbye Mary Sue, goodbye art
It's goodbye Mary Sue, goodbye art

A filk by Indigo Ziona to the tune of Mary Jane by Alanis Morrisette

What's the story, Mary Sue, you're a Malfoy?
And you might just be the niece of Dumbledore.
You seem to lure in all the men, it's like magic,
Cho doesn't really have a chance anymore.

You're from the States?
An author insertion.
You're far too perfect;
You're brave and smart
And you're pretty.

You charm Professor Snape so well, Mary Sue,
What's the point of going to read anymore?

You send the Canonlore to hell, Mary Sue,
D'ya ever wonder what J.K. wrote it for?

Well, it's OOC, Mary,
A sad misconception;
You've a Veela's beauty,
But it's not for Snape,
With his occlumency.

Please be quiet, Mary Sue
You're annoying
Please, just leave us alone

You're the great crusader,
We wish you'd go away.
You're smarter than Hermione,
And that's why we hate you.

You act the saviour, Mary Sue, but you're selfish,
All you really want is a cute guy.
'Cause all that matters, Mary Sue, is your ego
So get lost, my dear, goodbye…

Dedicated to my colleagues on the FAQ team

Is it worth the waiting for?
Will she ever publish more?
Reading all the same old ca-non!
Ev'ry day we say our prayer -- Trying to stave off despair;
Still we read the same old ca-non!
There's not a theme, not a line unexplored
Can we analyse, query or quote,
But there's nothing to stop us from getting a thrill
When we all click on FPs and read

Posts, Fantastic Posts!
We know where to find 'em!
Each updated FAQ boasts
New theories and old gems!
Hot links to the posts themselves!
What next is the question.
Read all of them for yourselves (Beware indigestion!)

Posts, Fantastic posts!
Book Banning and Mysteries.
HPfGU? -- Read about the History.
Just picture a huge library - you're not even close.
Oh, Posts, Wonderful Posts, Marvellous Posts, Fantastic Posts.

Posts, Fantastic Posts!
FAQs about blokes handsome!
Whoever's your choice -- still worth a king's ransom!
Who is it we dream about?
Who brings on a sigh?
Read all about Severus Snape -- What a guy!

Posts, Fantastic Posts!
Read right through the menu.
Just take a short break,
Stretch, refocus and then you
Work up a new appetite
You're never morose
With Posts, Once again, Posts, Fabulous Posts, Fantastic Posts!

Posts, Fantastic Posts!
Whatever the subject:
James, Lily or Ron -- You'll find that it's link-checked.
Just think when they're all complete -- Our senses go reeling.
That day when the FAQ team's cheers reach to - the - ceiling!

Posts, Fantastic Posts!
What wouldn't we give for
That extra FAQ more - That's all that we live for.
We're luckily fated to do nothing but boast
About Posts, Magical Posts, Wonderful Posts, Marvellous Posts,
Fabulous Posts, Beautiful Posts, Fantastic Posts!

NOTE: Those unconvinced by Severus' personal charms may insert their own individual preference here!

It's time for Warner's legal hacks!
We're litigious to the max!
You fans are such sad sacks
You'll be knocked flat on your backs
By our legal team's attacks!

We're the Warner's lawyer-hex
Our bosses sign enormous checks
Toward our campaign to annex
Potter for your multiplex
We're Warner Legal
Not overly regal
- Voyage of the Beagle
- Joanthan L. Seagull
- Son of Sam Spiegel
- Landing of the Eagle
- National League'll
- Chronic Fatigue'll
- Industrial Intrigue'll
Warner Legal Hacks!
Watch for our fax!

NOTE: As all Animaniacs fans are aware, the penultimate line of their theme song usually changed with each new rendition ( "We're Animainy/Totally Insaney"/ then, "Shirley MacLainey", "Citizen Kaney", "Andromeda Strainy" "the rain in Spainy", etc).

To the tune of The Colors of the Wind, from Disney's Pocohontas

THE SCENE: U.S. District Court For The Southern District Of New York, September 17, 2002. Enter noted coloring-book author NANCY STOUFFER, after District Judge Allen G. Schwartz's decision was handed down

STOUFFER
You think it's a frivolous lawsuit
The result of this court case is
I owe Jo 50K
But still I cannot see
Why some spurious copies
Have put my claims in such a disarray
Disarray…..

The judge says Jo owns all the words she wrote down
That jurors can't confuse our two domains
But I created that man they call Nimbus
And the Myn, and the Nevils, so untamed

Jo thinks the only Muggles who are Muggles
Are the people who look and think like us.
But she ignores their post-atomic struggles
And the fact that they're just 18 inches plus

Have you ever drank a draught from my Desire's Well?
Or ever made a counterfeit Xerox?
Can you delve into deceptions mixed with libel?
Can you draw with all the crayons of the box?
Can you draw with all the crayons of the box?

Come pay a visit to my Memory Mountain
Come hear the famous Legends of the Rah
Come learn the stirring saga of a Stouffer
Speaking truth, seeking justice, Blah Blah Blah

The shyster and the gossip are my sisters
Dame Rumour nurtures my urban legends
And we are all connected to each other
In news cycles that we hope will never end

How thick can my balderdash grow?
There's injunctions now, so you'll never know

Now you'll never hear the song that Lily sings to friends,
Or meet the Muggle riding on his ant
And you'll never see young Larry Potter's lenses
For my books are out-of-print, and so you can't.

Jo has won this case but yet
Here's the thing you can't forget:
Her books shun all of the crayons of the box……

A filk by Heidi Tandy to the tune of One Day More from Les Miserables

As many of you know, today (UK time, that is) The Leaky Cauldron is going to be bidding on the 93-word card that J.K. Rowling donated to Book Aid International - the auction will be at Sotheby's. On Wednesday, inspired by an email from one of our donors, I wrote this filk in a fit of t00by madness. Enjoy. And please, cross your fingers.

FANS
We've helped all we could through today!
It's great what TLC has started!

MELISSA
One day more...

TLC STAFF
Right now, that card is worlds away,
We hope that soon, we won't be parted.

REALLY RICH PEOPLE WHO WE HOPE WON'T OVERBID US
One more day all on my own

TLC STAFF
We thank everyone who gave

REALLY RICH PEOPLE WHO WE HOPE WON'T OVERBID US
With all my expensive playings!

TLC STAFF
And the fans who made the banners!

REALLY RICH PEOPLE WHO WE HOPE WON'T OVERBID US
I should not bid on this card...

TLC STAFF
All their help's what makes this work!

REALLY RICH PEOPLE WHO WE HOPE WON'T OVERBID US
To them, it would not be fair!

HEIDI
One more day before the storm!
When they'll auction information!
In this week our ranks have formed,
Thanks to all of you - we'll see?

B.K. DELONG
It's such a tremendous thing -
All the fans banded together!
We'd hoped everyone would care...

THE SOTHEBY'S AUCTION TEAM
The time is now
The place is here

MELISSA
One day more!

LAWYERS & ACCOUNTING TEAM
We did form that corporation...
And we got the filings done!
We just hope that there's no audit -
Til the 501(c)(3) is done!

MELISSA
One day more!

FANS
We'll all run amuck,
Like at the Yule Ball.
Never know your luck
When there's a free for all,
He can give a pound,
She can give five bucks,
If we can see all the words,
Then we won't miss much!

VARIOUS WEBMASTERS
One day to a new beginning
Raise the flag of fandom high!
Everyone will know something
Everyone will know something
There's some new words for the winning
There's a new world to be won!
Do you hear the people sing?

Our place is here,
We bid with you!

MELISSA
One day more!

VARIOUS DONORS
If we win this, we'll be heroes
We will have more canon, so...
We will have a few good secrets,
We will know some things she knows.

MELISSA
The card, right now, is far away,
Tomorrow, we might get to pay

ALL
Tomorrow we'll discover
What fates of Sotheby's have in store!
One more dawn
One more day
One day more!

A filk by Heidi Tandy and Chris Dickson to the tune of Don't Cry For Me Argentina from Lloyd Webber's Evita

We were curious, and some said crazed,
So we tried to purchase that darned card
But we're pleased to give cash to Book Aid's charity

They won't believe it
Thousands of fans teaming up for the cause
As strong as we are united
To do literacy some good.

Twenty four thousand dollars, less pocket change
Ev'ryone has worked so very hard
Through the mail, through the web, it's come to TLC

We were excited
But our hopes were all dashed by the Malfoy fam'ly
Another phone bidder spoke first
We always feared somebody would.

Don't cry for us, HP fandom!
The truth is, we worked really hard
But Bill Gates bought it
And now he'll have it
And we can't see it!
And that's quite sucky!

And as for spoilers and as for clues We wouldn't have read them, you know,
After all, the fifth book will be better without.

They are distractions
They're not the storylines they promised to be
We've come up with better ourselves;
Come out soon, please, OotP!

Don't cry for us, HP fandom!
The truth is, we worked really hard
But Bill Gates bought it
And now he'll have it
And we can't see it!
And that's quite sucky!

Do we sound too sad?
It's a shame but it will not take over our heads.
We've done a lot of good that none can take away
So we'll go read some more FILKS instead!

A filk by Lilac to the tune of Didn't We Almost Have It All? by Whitney Houston

ALL THE FANS WHO DONATED:
Remember when we gave up all our change?
The nights Melissa's family, with no complaint,
Helped Melissa with bookkeeping for free
Living on caffeine
Making sure they counted all we gave

Didn't we almost have the card?
When love made all of us start giving
The day Melissa made that call...oh man!
And Sotheby's started the bidding

Didn't we almost have the card?
Well, technically it wasn't almost...
We hope we get to see that card someday
Since we didn't get the card

The letters and the e-mails were so touching
The children gave their pennies, some gave more
A moment on the phone can't last forever
And they out-bid us
That's okay, we'd do it all again!

Didn't we almost have the card?
When we were ready to start bidding
The bidding took off in a flash...oh, my!
And some "Muggle" ended up winning

Didn't we almost have the card?
But does it matter that we lost it?
We know we were the winners in the end
Even though we lost the card

Didn't we give with more in mind
Than a card with 90 words
Cluing us into Book Five
Our gift is now the world's
Book Aide's the winner...oh, yeah!
Instead of 24 grand
They got much more than that!

Didn't we almost have the card?
But we have no regrets in giving
Though we may never see that card...oh well..
Didn't we almost have the card?

But we were winners after all!

To the tune of Wouldn't It Be Loverly? from Lerner & Loewe's My Fair Lady

Prompted by a thread questioning CoS' relevance.

FIRST LISTEE
I've been re-reading CoS
It's my least favorite book, I guess
This question I address
Oh, isn't it irrelevant?

Lockhart bores, he's a worthless hack
Basilisks make inept attacks
Since neither's coming back,
Oh, isn't it irrelevant?

Things get ever so dull and ultra-dreary in Year Two
I feel like I've been lectured by Binns when it is finally through

Dobby really gets on my nerves
And paper ought to be conserved
So we should not preserve
A book that is irrelevant

SECOND LISTEE (in response)
CoS flies us in a Ford
Lets Harry wield Godric's sword
Ends with Dobby's Reward
How can that be irrelevant?

Here we first learn of Parseltongue
Meet the Dark Lord when he's still young
Find Mrs. Norris hung
How can that be irrelevant?

Canon's ever a scarce commodity we must engage
We cannot afford to spurn as much as a single page

Arrange her works alphabetically
Then CoS is first, you see
And so, `twill always be
A book that will stay relevant
Relevant, relevant
Relevant, relevant……

A filk by Anne Urbanski to the tune of the last verse and refrain of National Brotherhood Week by Tom Lehrer

Oh some people hate the Harry
Potter books, call them "contrary"
To beliefs people "should" carry,
Say they're books kids shouldn't read

But during National Library Week, National Library Week
Couldn't they open their minds and turn the other cheek?
They shouldn't vote to ban
Books they haven't scanned
"Please rectify your ignorance," we plead --
Not less, but MORE, H-P is what we need!

A filk by shellebelle to the tune of the same name from The Music Man

Ever wonder what the 'Ban the Potter Books' rallies sound like? Welll...

REV. HILL: Well either you are closing your eyes to a situation you do not wish to acknowledge...

Or you are not aware of the calibre of disaster
Indicated by the presence of a Potter Book in your community
Weeellll, ya got trouble my friend...
Right here, I say, trouble right here in River City
Why sure I'm an avid reader, certainly mighty proud to say
I'm always mighty proud to say it...
I consider that the hours I spend with a book in my hand are golden
Help you cultivate horse sense, and a good vocab and a keen eye
'Jever take and try and read a book that was more n' 300 pages long?
Well, just as I say it takes judgement, brains and maturity
To decide for yerself what to read
I say that any boob can take and read that J.K. Rowling
And I call that sloth! The first big step on the road to the depths of degreda-[tion].
I say first, medicinal wine from a teaspoon
Then beer from a bottle!
And the next thing you know, your son is prayin'
Ter Satan in a red velvet suit
And list'nin to some big out-a-town Jasper
Hearin' him talk about tarot card readin'
Not a wholesome game of eights, no, but a game where they call up Satan hisself!
Like to see some stuck up little boy waitin' on old Scratch?
Make your blood boil? Well I should say!
Now friends, let me tell ya what I mean:
Ya got 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 books in the series...
Books that mark the diff'rence between a gentlemen and a bum
With a capital B and that rhymes with P and that stands for Potter!
And all week long, your River City youth'll be fritterin' away!
I say your young men'll be frittern'!
Frittern' away their noontime, suppertime, chore time too!
Get the next book in the series, never mind gettin' dandelions pulled
Or the screen door patched, or the beefstake pounded
Never mind pumping any water till your parents are caught with the cistern
empty on a Saturday night-and that's trouble!

Yes, you got lots and lotsa trouble!
I'm thinkin' of the kids in the knickerbockers, shirt-tailed young ones,
peekin' in them books every day after school.

Ya got trouble folks! Right here in River City!
Trouble with a capital T and that rhymes with P and that stands for Potter!
Now, I know all you folks are the right kind of parents
I'm going to be perfectly frank.
Would ya like to know what kind of conversation goes on while they're loafing on alt.fan.harry-potter?

They'll be tryin' out spellbooks (Crowd: Ooooh!)
Tryin' out Potions (Crowd: Eeek!)
Tryin' out tailor-made robes like Satanic fiends! (Crowd: Noooo!)
And braggin' all about how they're gonna get Book Five next Tuesday!

And one fine night
They leave the pool hall, headed for the dance at the armory
Libertine men and scarlet women-and death metal!
Shameless music that'll grab your son, your daughter
In the arms of a jungle animal instinct-massteria!
Friend, the active brain's the devil's playground! Trouble!

REFRAIN:
CHORUS SINGS: Oh, we got trouble

HILL: Right here in River City! (Chorus echoes him) With a capital T and
that rhymes with P and that stands for Potter!

CHORUS: That stands for Potter!
HILL: We've surely got trouble! (Chorus echoes)
HILL: Right here in River City!
CHORUS: Right here!
HILL: Gotta figger out a way to keep the young ones moral after school!
CHORUS: Our children's children gonna have... (chanted afterward: trouble,
trouble, trouble in the background of Hill's speech)

HILL: Mothers of River City: heed that warning before it's too late.
Watch for the tell-tale signs of corruption:
The minute your son leaves the house, does he unbutton THREE BUTTONS ON HIS SHIRT?
Is there a nicotine stain on his index finger? A Potter novel hidden in the corn crib?
Is he starting to memorize lines from The Sorcerer's Stone?
Are certain words...creeping into his conversation
? Words like...like Muggle?
And Petrificus Totalus?!
Well, if so my friends-ya got trouble!

REFRAIN IS REPEATED, but replace "Gotta find a way to keep the young ones moral after school" with "Remember the main, Plymouth Rock and the Golden Rule!"

Oh, ho we got trouble
We're in terrible, terrible trouble
That book with the lightening scar is the devil's tool...
CHORUS: Devil's tool! Oh yes we got trouble-trouble-trouble

HILL: With a capital T!
CHORUS (echoing HILL): And that rhymes with P! CHORUS (echoing HILL): And that stands for Potter!

HILL: My friends, you should all listen to me, because I will pass this way but once!

A filk by Salazar to the tune of Defying Gravity from Wicked

Disclaimer: This is not meant to poke fun at the religious beliefs of anyone, but rather to poke fun at the ignorance of those who believe the Potter books are evil. The characterization of the Pope is based solely on the letters he wrote, and no malice is meant to Catholics. If you are offended by this, I am sorry and it was not my intent to offend anyone.

The scene: A perfectly ordinary day in a bookstore. Just as someone holding a copy of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince walks out of the bookstore, Pope BENEDICT XVI and an entourage of FUNDAMENTALIST QUACKS step out and grab the person.

BENEDICT XVI (spoken)
Sinner…repent, instead of reading the books of Satan!

(sung) I hope you're praying
I hope you're praying hard
This warning you should not discard:
Those books are made by Satan
In hell he lies in waitin'!

QUACK 1
I hope you're praying
I hope praying well
Or else you'll go to hell
Read stuff that is so stark less!
This Half-Blood Prince of Darkness
Would love to damn you, that's his goal
I hope you pray for your soul!

As it turns out, the person is none other than author SALAZAR himself, who decides to give the rebuttal of every Potter fan

SALAZAR
You can stop your foolish griping
Children's books God would forgive Harry Potter is not the devil…

QUACKS
You're wrong!
His holy Bible
It…says you can't let the witches live!
JKR is a villain
God's teachings she forsook
We know it's evil and
We needn't ever read that book!
There's Satan in its pages
It will cause mankind's fall
We'll stick to literally
Reading dear St. Paul!

BENEDICT XVI
Satan is sly!
Decry…those children's books!
In hell you'll fry!
Decry those children's books!
They're evil in disguise!

SALAZAR
Can't you people take a joke?
This book is just a work of fiction!

BENEDICT XVI
I say they seduce children
And it's true, that's for sure
Potter is Antichrist
And Dumbledore is Lucifer…
Too long the people thought I
Was a humorless old clod
Is it a crime to want to bring kids back to God?!!!
So don't be shy…
Decry those children's books!
They're bad, guy.
Just decry those children's books!
They're evil in disguise!

(spoken) Young one…come with us. Put aside Satan and come back to God!

SALAZAR
You're full of it…
Your argument is full of it!
I suppose it would be wrong to read the stuff
Look, man,
On them you're obsessin',
But they teach good lessons!

QUACKS
They have wizards, that's enough!
JK should die!
Decry those children's books!
God's rules apply:
Decry those children's books!
They're evil in disguise!
We hope you're praying…
But Satan has your heart
Because…
With that book you won't part.

CHRISTIAN POTTER FANS exit the bookstore and face off against the QUACKS and BENEDICT XVI

CHRISTIAN POTTER FANS
Your attitude don't please us
These books don't contradict Jesus!

CHRISTIAN POTTER FANS (and SALAZAR)
If fiction you cannot discern…
I hope you read them and learn…

The QUACKS and BENEDICT XVI pulls out crosses and try to ward off the CHRISTIAN POTTER FANS and SALAZAR

QUACKS and BENEDICT XVI
So you have turned to Satan…
He is your evil sire!
We hope you understand that
You will burn in hell's eternal fire!
God will destroy your evil
That book will meet defeat…

SALAZAR opens the book to a random page and shoves it in their face

SALAZAR (mockingly)
Hey, look, it's Satan!

The QUACKS and BENEDICT shield their eyes

QUACKS and BENEDICT XVI
Ahhh! Don't read that book! Retreat!
With God comply
And decry those children's books!
The end is nigh,
So decry those children's books!
So what if they teach stuff that's wise?
You Potter fans had better switch
'Cause any book with the word witch
Is Satan's power in…disguise!
We hope you're praying!

SALAZAR
Oh, just read the damn things!
Get gone!

QUACKS and BENEDICT XVI
In disguise…

SALAZAR
Those who read the damn things
Know they hide no evil….guise!

From the archives of The Leaky Cauldron, Janaury 26 2003. "The Russian radio station Ekho Moskvy reported that a group of Russian lawyers is preparing to take legal action against [the Chamber of Secrets'] producers. The lawyers apparently claim that the artists who created Dobby intentionally based him on [Russian President Vladimir] Putin."

THE SCENE: A Moscow courtroom. Enter Russian President VLADIMIR PUTIN

PUTIN:
Consider this elf to be
A slur `gainst the man from the KGB
We don't need to have gremlins
That look like the head of the Kremlin

Consider Dobby a threat
Like Wahhabis down there in Chechnya
This is a Putin put-down
A rank insult to the Czarist crown

Russian Presidents just bang their shoes and not their heads
They wear suits instead of towels
It's by vodka and not butterbeer they're delighted
You can just ask Colin Powell!

This legal expense ain't cheap
And sitting through court's a drag
If only we could do like in the good old days
And ship `em to the Gulag!

A filk by Indigo Ziona to the tune of Moonlight Shadow by Mike Oldfield

The kids are stuck in to their reading
Carried away with a teenage wizard
'More Harry Potter' they are pleading
Carried away with a teenage wizard
Lost in a book on a Saturday night
Far away into Volume Five
They were still there reading by the morning's first light
And we couldn't find how to push through

The fans all gathered in the evening
Carried away with a teenage wizard
Without HP-Five they were not leaving
Carried away with a teenage wizard
All we saw were the hordes and the queues
Far away for a mile or five
JK's new book had hit all the news
And we couldn't find how to push through

I plead, I need
J.K. Rowling's new book to read
I plead, I need
J.K. Rowling's book to read

Four a.m. in the morning
Carried away with a teenage wizard
I read this book to the day's dawning
Carried away with a teenage wizard
Kids all waiting for the 21st
Far away into Volume Five
For Harry now they quench their thirst
And we couldn't find how to push through

I plead, I need
J.K. Rowling's new book to read
I plead, I need
J.K. Rowling's book to read

Caught in the middle of the rush for Book Five
The shop was heaving and the shelves were alive
But we couldn't find how to push through

Carried away by a teenage wizard
Carried away by a teenage wizard
Far away into Volume Five
And we couldn't find how to push though...

Peace on Earth, Good Will Toward HP4GU

A filk by Grannybat to the tune of God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen

God rest ye, merry Potterites
Let nothing you dismay.
Our Harry books will keep us warm
These darkened, Dursley'd days
And save us all from Muggles who would
Censor harmless play.
O tidings of Magic and Joy,
Magic and Joy!
O tidings of Magic and Joy.

A filk by Indigo Ziona to the tune of If you give me your attention from Gilbert and Sullivan's Princess Ida . Tom Lehrer did a parody of the same song about a Mathematics Professor.

If you give me your attention, I will tell you what I am:
A fixated Harry Potter fan - all other kinds are sham.
Each little fault off-canon, each canonical defect,
In those erring fanfic writers, I endeavour to correct.
To the sex-life of Professor Snape, I open people's eyes
And tales of Draco's soft side I will cunningly devise.
I put in my own characters - as good as you could choose-
Yet ev'rybody says that all I write are Mary-Sues!
And I can't think why!

All J.K. Rowling's books I've read much over twenty times;
I've written tons of songfics, all were set to LeAnn Rimes;
My stories are in NetSpeak so they're so easy to read,
But I never seem to get all the reviews for which I plead.
My plot twists are exciting though they may seem quite contrived;
HG/SS Timeturner fics I've practically revived;
I get a great big sugar high, write 'Hogwartz all go's madd!'
Yet ev'rybody says that all the fic I write is bad!
And I can't think why!

I'm sure I'm no obsessive; I'm as laid-back as can be;
Letters to J.K. I've written only thirty-three!
I spent just six weeks in mourning for the characters now dead;
I don't have to read the books, I talk to Harry in my head…
Listen when I say I am not of that crazy bunch;
Whenever I read fanfic, I sometimes stop for lunch;
My 'Gryffindors are sexy' scarf I made myself, for free
Yet ev'rybody says that Harry's taken over me
And I can't think why!

And she can't think why!
She can't think why!

A filk by Jake A Ralphing (Luke Brattoni) to the tune of Eminem's White America

A Harry Club, I loathe you! So many pimply kids shouting criticisms that are pitifully sultry, a bore.
Your gripes and your wars about typos and wrong lines in the script.
You Slytherin fans who would choke the necks of those Ravenclaw freaks
And then fight all day Hufflepuffs in garments of gold.
(Yo, I want every Dobby desisting to be heard in this song.)
…It's getting old.

It never would have seemed that a billion teenage geeks,
Would become Potter-lovin' people, who read all week.
Who wear those lame robes over their large Hagrid briefs.
It's like Dumbledore's Army bunched in a chatroom. Eek!

Young Harry's life discussed, so much Granger mail.
All is conflicting in conviction, such brainless claims.
Debates fuelled from video frames replayed, replayed.
Til the page stacks up again with hateful rage.

They come in hordes, wearing Flitwick ears, Filch underwear.
Updating blog sites, preaching like a priest during prayer.
And soon they chatter on about different new magic tricks.
Then they contradict each word and have to start slapping wrists.

"It wasn't Snuffles' sword…listen buddy, it was Snape's office…"
"Then Ron was re-telling him about Fluffy's jaws and… she wasn't!"
Fans guaranteeing Albus Dumbledore's a goblin. Well, probably.
The puzzling things that they write… and they won't shut up on this:

Whiny Harry Club!
A horde of dunderhead kids.
Whiny Harry Club!
Literary books caused all this.
Whiny Harry Club!
Scary like Roald Dahl's crypt.
Kids won't stop reading spells, looking worse than drug addicts.

Whiny Harry Club!
These hook in hundreds of twits.
Whiny Harry Club!
Let them terrorise on the net.
Whiny Harry Club!
Areas swamped with Brits.
Rowling, the Queen of All. Look at all her Muggle gifts.

Look at these guys, lazy goofs, crazy over Radcliffe.
They'll swamp his town's railroad soon, wait for Hogwarts Express.
Dan may be huge, ladies coo. Babes flash glimpses of breasts.
Middle-aged dude flashing? "MJ, you're under arrest."

They are riff-raff and I just laugh at Potter-fan crap.
I don't have no magic paper shrinking my school on a map.
Yet whiny saps, all buck-toothed, write out spools of feedback.
Go get a life! Show them where the soccer stadium's at!

When Jo was underground, no-one gave a stuff what she'd write.
No fable printed late nineties; no depraved slobs. Rowling's life: lovely.
Until that sad day. Bloomsbury's blundersome gaffe.
Gave it a chance and, my, it acquired those cumbersome fans.

Soon billions had to be bought. All these fanatical tots,
Thought Hogwarts wizards the rage and soon websites swam in the rot.
These fans can't be stopped! Witches, hags, books full of this chow.
It's like a sin if no Potter-lover's at the cinemas now.

A Whiny Harry Club!
A horde of dunderhead kids.
Whiny Harry Club!
Literary books caused all this.
Whiny Harry Club!
Scary like Roald Dahl's crypt.
Kids won't stop reading spells, looking worse than drug addicts.

Whiny Harry Club!
These hook in hundreds of twits.
Whiny Harry Club!
Let them terrorise on the net.
Whiny Harry Club!
Areas swamped with Brits.
Rowling, the Queen of All. Look at all her Muggle gifts.

See the bubbles fizz in beakers of gurgling mist.
Kids could be wise and be clever... but a nerdling wiz?
Those dumb troublemakers should have packed a burn-proof kit.
Transfiguration, Charms and Potions aren't for learning kids!

Wait for the movie out in the fricking snow all day.
These twits flip if it screws up. "Harry's shoes aren't grey!"
Adore the book and so persist for that lucky job.
"We've got our extras, so leave now because you suck as Ron."

And so fans become critics with wands, donned in lycra coats.
Searching with their lion-tooth combs, through lines and quotes.
Stating the faults. Writing down each found typo.
Watching films ninety times each, like psycho spy kids, yo.

All I hear is: magic, tragic, wands and nonsense, curses,
Monsters crawling round a lot like Michael Jackson's constant lurking.
Surely kids stop endeavours to Hogwarts and follow other book rosters.
Laughter and fun aren't all covered in Potter's farting 'round classes.

But yet this passion for acting out magic tricks on a dragon happens,
And I'm just gobsmacked that this action didn't match Baggins'.
Quit… with Potter feedback cuz it's hopeless; foul.
I'm grossed out now. Wish Voldemort would roast you sows!

A Whiny Harry Club!
A horde of dunderhead kids.
Whiny Harry Club!
Literary books caused all this.
Whiny Harry Club!
Scary like Roald Dahl's crypt.
Kids won't stop reading spells, looking worse than drug addicts.

Whiny Harry Club!
These hook in hundreds of twits.
Whiny Harry Club!
Let them terrorise on the net.
Whiny Harry Club!
Areas swamped with Brits.
Rowling, the Queen of All. Look at all her Muggle gifts.

So to you members of the Harry club.
Whining unbearably, lame and fricking terrible.
Fleur Delacour? Marry her!
You readers are a curse of such worthless thoughts.
Sent to pee us all right off with your facts and numbers,
Insisting to scorn others right out.
To burn your mags and replace them all with your Goblet of Fire fiction.
Then spit diction to webpages full of Potter freaks and witchcraftery.
Stuff fools from Chamber! Stuff fools wanting more!
Stuff you, wannabes dressed like witches.
Online debates are harassment and annoy me to hell. Stuff you!

Avra…
Ked-avra…
Nerdlings gather…
Fools!

I'm just playing now, Harry club, you know I love Jo.

A filk-poem by Red Scharlach with apologies to Lewis Carroll, Jo Rowling and many, many more....

"You are rich, JK Rowling," the fandom whined,
"And the world with your books is obsessed;
And yet you mess up and leave plot holes, we find;
Can't you see you don't always know best?

"I admit," JK Rowling replied to her fans,
"That dates can confuse my poor brain;
But nobody's perfect -- I'll stick to my plans;
To change them would be quite insane!"

"You're a snob," said the fans, "It's a cardinal sin!
And you're rude about folks that are fat;
Yet you told all your readers it's bad to be thin;
What kind of mixed message is that?"

"In my books," said JK, "though this fact may amaze,
The good guys are all shapes and sizes;
But the fandom's obsessed with Snape, Draco and Blaise;
Why not those in chubbier guises?"

"You're a prude," said the fans, "for we find in your books
No more than the mildest of shipping;
So enough of the snogging and meaningful looks;
Pray, where is the butt sex and whipping?"

"At the start," said Jo Rowling, "I filled up my text
With goat-sex and hot pervy squids;
But my publisher found it a mite oversexed;
Who guessed it? These books sell to kids!"

"You've sold out!" said the fans, "and it's easy to see
That your prose hasn't grown any tighter;
And in plot terms you peaked at the end of Book Three;
Admit it -- you're one crappy writer!

"I have written six volumes, there's one more to go,"
Said Jo Rowling. "Stop getting me down!
It's no wonder my progress is achingly slow;
Sod off, and go bother Dan Brown...."

A filk-poem by Red Scharlach, with apologies to Rudyard Kipling

If you cause chaos in your chosen fandom
By flaming folks and blaming it on them;
If you use cApS aNd LoWeR cAsE at random,
And sit up posting crap till 5 a.m.
If you delete then undelete your journal
To get attention, every day or three;
If ignorance for you's a state eternal;
If all you do is shout and sulk and squee;

If you can't write, but churn out reams of fanfic;
If you can't type, but crave great fandom fame;
If you can't spell or punctuate or plan fic
And think "there", "their" and "they're" are all the same;
If you can't bear to proofread your next chapter
And won't post more till you get ten reviews,
And lash out like a mad velociraptor
At reckless souls who slate your Mary Sues;

If you detest all depth and live for shipping
And look no further than your favoured pair
And loathe all those who find them less than gripping
And twist the facts to see things that aren't there;
If you support your ship with faith unswerving
Though it's a dead horse canon-wise you flog
And your sole rule for if a plot's deserving
Is not "Does it make sense?" but "Do they snog?";

If you keep posting spoilers without warning
And stupid half-arsed theories by the stack;
If no one sane can read your blog for yawning;
If you're a hyped-up sugar fiend on crack;
If you can start a flamewar in a minute
And bring all sense and meaning to a halt;
You spoil the Web and everything that's in it,
And -- which is more -- my headache's all your fault...

A filk by John Newmark to the tune of Hare Krishna by James Rado & Gerome Ragni

Harry Potter Harry Potter
Potter Potter Harry Harry
JK Rowling JK Rowling
Rowling Rowling JK JK

We love
We love
Harry
Harry

Ron and
Ron and
Hermione

Go read the books first
Before watching movies

We're high on you know what
Harry Potter Harry Potter
Potter Potter Harry Harry

High high high high
Down with Muggles
Slytherin Sucks!

Spells, Quidditch, Hogwarts, Gryffindor!
Spells, Quidditch, Hogwarts, Gryffindor!

A filk by Nymphadora to the tune of Make Them Hear You from Ragtime

JK ROWLING:
I think I'll write a story 'bout a Wizard and his friends
Harry Potter
Harry Potter

And everyone will listen to see how it finally ends
Harry Potter
Harry Potter

And everyone will read them and I'll prosper and get rich
they'll wait to see what happens to each wizard and each witch

And I could not put down my pen, for then I'd be a bitch
Harry Potter
Harry Potter

And some say that my books lead to hell
but they don't know what's best
I'll be immortalized in these books
Long after I have gone to my rest

Go out and read my stories and go see the movies too
Harry Potter
Harry Potter

And fantasize with broomsticks and the powder that's called Floo
Harry Potter
Harry Potter

Go buy the souvenir things that are sold in every store
Go read the reader's theories 'till at last there are no more

And there I will be waiting to see who's HP hardcore
Harry Potter
Harry Potter!
You have bought her,
I'm sure!

A filk by Randy Estes to the tune You Don't Bring Me Flowers Anymore by Neil Diamond and Alan & Marilyn Bergman

The end of the Harry Potter era makes me think about the future and a possible song...What's going to happen on all the hundreds of HP discussion groups and message boards once the saga ends?....

You don't post for hours
You don't write those filk songs
You hardly IM to me anymore.
When you search through the web
At the end of the day!

I remember when
You couldn't wait to tell me
Used to hate to log off
Now after readin' your email at night
When it's good for you
And you're feeling alright
And you turn out the light
And you don't post for hours anymore

It used to be so natural
To talk about our theories
But 'used to be's don't count anymore
They just lay in the archives
And don't see the light of day

And baby, I remember
All those crazy filk songs
I learned how to laugh
And I learned how to ROFLMAO
Even learned how to Midi
You'd think I could learn
How to tell you goodbye
'Cause you don't post for hours anymore.

A filk by weirdsis to the tune of Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life) by Green Day

As Harry's story ends, we want to thank you, Jo
For giving us his life, his friends and his foes
You've made us all into Harry Potter nerds
Our lives have been enriched because of your words

And so we'd like to thank you Jo, before we say goodbye
For giving us the time of our lives

We each recall the moment we knew we were hooked
Several pages into the very first book
Then we set out to find ways to converse
Met other fans who knew a hex from a curse

And so we'd like to thank you Jo, before we say goodbye
You've given us the time of our lives

We have devoured each new book as it's released
We read and reread then our theories are unleashed
We like to think we've figured out what you will do
With each new book it's clear you had us fooled

And so we'd like to thank you Jo, before we say goodbye
You've given us the ride of our lives

So thank you Jo for staying true to Harry's tale
True to your vision, every magical detail
Our gratitude and indebtedness we give
(As for me, I hope that you let Luna live!)

And so we'd like to thank you Jo, before we say goodbye
For giving us the time of our lives

And so we'd like to thank you Jo, before we say goodbye
You've shared with us the time of our lives

As we read Deathly Hallows and The Boy Who Lived survives
We'll thank you for the time of our lives

A filk by The Final Stillness of Saturn to the tune of I Write Sins Not Tragedies by Panic! At The Disco

This filk originally had more lines. Then, I realized that my verision of the song only repeats the chorus twice at the end. Hopefully that is always the case, but I don't know. Also, an important note, I hate this song; it was just so filkable.

Oh, well remember
Harry pacing past dead in the school corridor,
And you can't help but to see
No, you can't help but to see that the ending is near.

"I can't wait for Fleur's wedding;
I can't wait for Bill's wedding," says a Weasley to Miss Granger.
"And, yes, but what a shame
What a shame that it will be rushed by war."

Fans chime in with a
"When will the Weasleys realize the target that the wedding bore?"
Yeah, it's much better to hold big gatherings with no madman
Breathing down your neck, you see."
Fans chime in
"When will the Weasleys realize the target that the wedding bore?"
No, Jo's much nicer and wants the gathering to give some peace before…

Oh, then the fact
That Snape is out of the way.
I mean, technically, that Draco was saved
Well… could be for the best,
Or just for more pain.

Oh, then the fact
That Snape is out of the way.
I mean, technically, that Draco was saved
Well… could be for the best,
Or just cause more pain, just cause more pain.

Fans chime in with a
"Didn't you people think it crazy that Dumbledore would beg?"
No, no one could ever face that kind of thing with a sense of poise or rationality.
Fans chime in
"Then why'd Snape just keep sparing Harry, holding Death Eaters back?"
Yeah, Dumbledore wouldn't do that kind of thing; he had asked
Snape to kill him, naturally.

Fans chime in
"So does anyone imagine what will happen in the last book?"
Yeah, it will be a bloodbath, that type of thing, just makes
Sense with the whole tragic hero theme.
Fans chime in
"So does anyone imagine what will happen in the last book?"
No, it will be a good-conquers-evil thing and happy ending, or
It's just a weird dream.

A filk by Miranda Shadowind to the tune of My Chemical Romance's Welcome to the Black Parade, in memory of the characters wrongfully killed off in Deathly Hallows. Single-parenthesised lines toward the end are background vocals.

CANON-DEFIER FANS:
We waited, forever,
to read it, Book Seven of the series
that started long ago

We said,
"Sure it's, the end but,
that's okay; there's still much information,
we really need to know

Such as,
Will Harry beat him,
the Dark Lord, and what happens before that?
Or will Voldy prevail?

And who will get together
in canon? And who will be forced to join
the ones beyond the veil?"

We waited, forever,
to read it, Book Seven of the series
that started long ago

But when,
we finally read it,
we couldn't, believe what we were reading,
or the damned gall of Jo!

Sometimes I get the feeling
She's into torturing,
of characters she knows her fans love so

Read through it all,
The rise and fall,
Fan favorite toll? A heap!
She says they're gone but we say this to Jo:

We'll carry on,
We'll carry on
And though you killed them off believe me
In fics and art they'll carry on
We'll carry on

And in my heart I can't contain it
The anthem won't explain it.

Book Seven sent us reeling
From decimated dreams
Your apathy and hate will kill us all

We'll paint it black
And fic them back
And we'll shout it loud and clear:
Defiant to the end we hear the call

To carry on
We'll carry on
And though you killed them off believe me
In AU fics they'll carry on
We'll carry on
And though our favorites lie defeated
Your pissed off fandom marches

On and on we carry through the tears
Ooh oh ohhhh
Giving you the finger and some jeers
Ooh oh ohhhh
Cease the extra crap
Cause we don't - like - it - at - all!

Let it lie?
You'll never make me

JK ROWLING:
My word is law!

CANON-DEFIER FANS:
Don't give a flying fuck!

JK ROWLING:
Go and try,
You'll never break me

CANON-DEFIER FANS:
They should have lived!
And half the "death scenes" sucked

JK ROWLING:
I won't explain
Or say I'm sorry
I'm unashamed

CANON-DEFIER FANS:
Last word should have been "scar"
Give a cheer
For all the broken
Listen here
Pissed off is what we are

I'm just a fan,
Who can't stay silent
about this, and so I sing this song

JK ROWLING:
You're all quite mad!
They're words on paper!

CANON-DEFIER FANS:
I - DON'T - CARE!

We'll carry on
We'll carry on
And though you killed them off believe me
In AU fics they'll carry on
We'll carry on
And though our favorites lie defeated
Your pissed off fandom marches on

Let it lie?
You'll never make me

JK ROWLING:
My word is law!

CANON-DEFIER FANS:
Don't give a flying fuck!

JK ROWLING:
Go and try,
You'll never break me

CANON-DEFIER FANS:
They should have lived!
(We'll carry on)
And half the "death scenes" sucked

Let it lie?
(We'll carry on)
You'll never make me

JK ROWLING:
My word is law!

CANON-DEFIER FANS:
(We'll carry on)
Don't give a flying fuck!

JK ROWLING:
Go and try,

CANON-DEFIER FANS:
(We'll carry)

JK ROWLING:
You'll never break me

CANON-DEFIER FANS:
They should have lived!
And half the "death scenes" sucked

We'll carry on

A filk by Miranda Shadowind to the tune of Funeral Sequence from Sondheim's A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum. Italicized lines are spoken.

What is "Re-Fredding" you ask? It's the post-DH revival of Fred through one AU means or another, inspired by The Starhorse's fic, Fox Ears. There's a club for it both on DeviantArt and LiveJournal , come join us!

Special thanks to club founder Starkiller for agreeing to "participate" in the filk!

On a side note, Percy fans may want to hit the back button now. You have been warned.

THE SCENE: A secluded glade in the Forbidden Forest, where Miranda and Starkiller have just finished making an altar.

STARKILLER:
Gather around, and let the Re-Fredding begin!

MIRANDA:
Wrongly fell,
thus we mourned
With this spell,
be reborn!

A procession of Mourning Fangirls enters from the back of the glade and forms a half-circle around the back of the altar. Last to appear are two who bear a thick wooden pole to which Percy has been tied.

MOURNING FANGIRLS: (as they enter)
Ahh...ahhh...ahhhh... etc

MIRANDA, STARKILLER:
Ahh!

MOURNING FANGIRLS:
Ahh!

MIRANDA:
Slyth'rin was at his feet,
Gryffindor in his thrall,
All fangirls loved his humor,
And gall

STARKILLER:
And hair

MIRANDA:
And pranks

MOURNING FANGIRLS: (singing in the background as the "list" goes on.)
Slyth'rin was at his feet,
Gryffindor in his thrall. . .

STARKILLER:
And genius

MIRANDA:
And sexyness

STARKILLER: (quickly)
And don't forget his twindom!

MOURNING FANGIRLS: ("fall" is drawn out)
Oh, why should such a prankster fall?

In tandem with the next few lines, Percy is brought to the altar, untied, and shackled to the altar.

MIRANDA:
Trait'rous kin,
fam'ly spurned,
for your sin,
you shall burn!

PERCY: (confused)
Ladies, on behalf of my brother, I want to thank you for a lovely memorial. But don't you think I've suffered enough?! Cease your nonsense and release me! I'm sure we can come to some-

MIRANDA, STARKILLER: (deviously, though still in rhythm)
Mwahahahahaha!

MOURNING FANGIRLS: (likewise)
Mwahahahahaha!

MIRANDA: (waving her wand over Percy and the altar)
Set the runes,
Stronger, higher,
Check the moon,
Build the pyre!

A handful of Fangirls pile split Elder logs under and around the altar before backing away. Miranda starts chanting in an arcane language.

PERCY:
What?! A pyre? What kind of pyre?

STARKILLER:
A pyre of fire!

PERCY:
Oh, a fire- WHAT?!

STARKILLER:
You must be sacrificed!

PERCY:
Sacrificed?! But-!

STARKILLER:
Fred will rise from your ashes!

PERCY:
Cease this madness at once! What you're doing won't work! And what will Mother say when she finds out she's lost another son?!

STARKILLER:
We'll just tell her you're on holiday. Permanently.

Percy attempts to reply, but is cut off by a surge of energy from Miranda's wand that causes a large bonfire to engulf the altar pyre. He screams in agony, but not for long.

MIRANDA:
Slyth'rin was at his feet,
But we shall weep no more,
or find our consolation as before!
For now our precious Fred is reborn!

As she gestures to the bonfire, it dies down, revealing Fred alive and unharmed and standing on the unmarred altar.

RANDOM FANGIRL:
Look! Look! Fred's alive!

FRED:
And I'm going to stay that way! ... Oh bugger.

He tries to Apparate away, to no success, and is quickly engulfed in the mob of squealing fangirls.

A filk by Potioncat to the tune of Those Were the Days by Mary Hopkin

Dedicated to Caius and Siriusly Snapey Susan who inspired this bit of nostalgia.

Once upon a time there was a website
Where we used to raise a glass or two
Remember how we argued all the view points
And wondered at the subplots of our Jo?

Those were the threads, my friend some seemed to never end
We'd post our views forever and a day
We'd cite the quotes we choose
We'd ship through all the clues
For we were bold and sailing Theory Bay.
La la la la la la
La la la la la la

Then the seven books were finally finished
We'd lost our starry theories on the bay
When the old gang met inside the website
We'd smile at one another and we'd say

Those were the threads, my friend some seemed to never end
We'd post our views forever and a day
We'd cite the quotes we choose
We'd ship through all the clues
For we were bold and sailing Theory Bay.
La la la la la la La la la la la la

Just tonight I came into the website
No one argued like we used to do
On the screen I read a slow discussion
Is this really H.P.4.G.U?

Those were the threads, my friend some seemed to never end
We'd post our views forever and a day
We'd cite the quotes we choose
We'd ship through all the clues
For we were bold and sailing Theory Bay.
La la la la la la
La la la la la la

On the screen I saw familiar subjects
I sang the FILK and joined the "Pitcher game"
Oh my friend we're older but no wiser,
For in our hearts the questions still remain…

Is Sev'rus foe or friend?
What will be Harry's end?
Is Remus Lupin really ESE!?
Which girl will Harry choose?
Does Albus merely snooze?
It all depends upon "The Prophecy."
La la la la la la
La la la la la la

Those were the threads, my friend some seemed to never end
We'd post our views forever and a day
We'd cite the quotes we choose
We'd ship through all the clues
For we were bold and sailing Theory Bay.
La la la la la la
La la la la la la

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