Dobby and Winky as the White-Striped Socks
Based on Elephant by White Stripes
Image © 2005 by
Red Scharlach
Dobby and Winky as the White-Striped Socks
Based on Elephant by White Stripes
Image © 2005 by
Red Scharlach
* = post-OOP
** = post-HBP
Copyright 2000-2005 by Caius Marcius, except Hello Dobby and Dobby the House-Elf Copyright 2001, 2002 by Judy Nathanson; Butterbeer Copyright 2002 by Evelle; S.P.E.W. Copyright 2002 by Anni; A House-Elf Protest Song Copyright 2002 by Red Scharlach; Dobby's Master's Gone Away Copyright 2002 by Lilac; Don't Hand Those Clothes to Me, I Must Be Free (Dobby's Meditation) and It Takes a House-Elf Copyright 2003-2005 by Ginger; Respect Copyright 2003 by Amy Z & Haggridd; All You Need is SPEW Copyright 2003 by Stella; It's Winky and Kreacher Blues Copyright 2003, 2004 by Constance Vigilance; Total Liberation Copyright 2003 by Iggy McSnurd; If I Were a Free Elf Copyright 2004 by Gail; Fuzzy Hats Copyright 2004 by Jason LeBouef; All I Care About Is Socks and Free the Elves Copyright 2005 by R.J. Lupin; The Elf Days of Christmas Copyright 2005 by Jake A. Ralphing; I Had A Little House Elf Copyright 2005 by Bandersnatch; Our House Elves Drink Sherry During Christmas Copyright 2005 by Randy Estes; S-P-E-W Copyright 2005 by Alessandra C.; Clothing Copyright 2006 by Embledore
To the tune of the title song from Sondheim's Company (this performance cuts off the slow introduction)
THE SCENE: The Malfoy Estate, during the late 1980s. DOBBY is sound asleep, as pleasant dreamy voices chime in his out-sized ears
VOICES:
Dobby...
Dobby...
Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-Dobby…..
DOBBY is abruptly awakened by the harsh buzz of the servant's bell. The MALFOYS are holding a lavish banquet this Saturday evening, and DOBBY is required to serve as the sole wait-staff. During the song, he rushes about madly, trying to attend to each impatient guest, while simultaneously preparing the ample repast baking in the kitchen
THE MALFOYS AND THEIR GUESTS [variously, overlapping]:
Dobby...
Dobby...
Dobby dummy....
Dobby dopey...
Dobby...
Dobby dammit….
Dobby, we've been trying to find you…….
Dobby...
Dobby...
Dobby dummy…….
Dobby dopey...
Dobby, it's your last chance to serve us…….
Dob...
Dobbo...
Dobby elf...
Dobby dearest...
Dobby, we've been trying to make you obey…….
Dobby...
Dobby...
Dobby Dummy....
Halfling...
Bumbling...
The Crabbes were asking....
Dobby...
Dobby...
Dobbin...
Dobby...
Dob-o...
Dobby, there is something we need you to bring! …….
Dobby...
Dobby dopey...
Dammit…….
Look here...
Why aren't you busy? …….
Where have you been hiding, Dobbo? ....
Dobby...
Fella...
Dobby...
Brownie...
Where have you been? ...
Step on it, you ugly gnome....
Seems like weeks since we asked for brew! ...
Dobby, we've been looking for you! ...
Drop dead pretty soon...
Dobby, get a beaker for Rookwood...
Crabbe and Lestrange get into town tomorrow....
How about some Shiraz for MacNair?...
Why don't we all go see Barty Crouch next weekend? ...
Dob, we're feeding Eaters this Saturday night. ...
Dobby...
Dobby...
Dobby, dummy...
We can't wait till Thursday! ...
Dobby...
Pixie...
Dobby dopey...
Time to end your leisure, get cracking tonight! ...
Dobby...
Dobbo...
Dobby dammit...
Time to rock, you dummy....
Dobby dearest...
Dobby, fella...
Dobby dummy.…
ALL
Dobby, come and bring us our dinner!
We are so mad for our food!
Dobby, come and bring us our dinner!
Come and feed hungry us,
Death Eaters, eat with us--
You ellllllllllllllllfffffffffffffff you!
DOBBY:
All toil
Soiree
It's my
Slavery
Pots boil
No pay
I sigh
Slavery
Long nights,
No rights,
Ball & chain,
Death threats,
Cold sweats,
Their beck and call.
Pies bake
Hot cakes
Awful pain,
Entrées
On trays
My master drawls--
"House elf,
House elf, chill us our wine
House elf, fill up our stein
Yo, Dobby our elf!"
For all those cruel and brutal people, those fiends!
Those cruel and brutal people, those Malfoy fiends!
And that's why I'm going all out, isn't it?
That's why I'm going all out,
Going all out!
MALFOYS AND GUESTS [variously, overlapping]:
Dobby...
Dobby...
Dobby dummy....
Dobby dopey...
Dobby...
Dobbin dopey....
Dobby...
Dobby...
Halfling, can you do me a favor?....
Dobby dummy....
Dobby dopey...
Listen, pal, you're merely our minion...
Dob... Try this, Draco...
Dobbo...
Dobby elf...
Dobby pixie...
Dobby, there's a problem,
I'm needing more ice...
Dobby... Igor, can I owl you back tomorrow? ......
Dobby...
Dobby Dummy....
Halfling...
Dammit...
Just get us our...
Dobby, please attend to the
guests once or twice...
Dobby...Dobby, I can't take this....
Dobby... more Merlot by Friday...
Dobby dumpy...
Beat him...
Look here...
What's happened to you? ....
Dobby...
Fella...
Kiddo...
Where have you been? ....
Dobby, where have you been? ....
Step on it I mean at once!...
Dobby, punishments I'll apply...
Lucius, love, I'll curse him after...
Dobby, we've been looking for you... even if he can't...
Drop by anytime... Sorry, Ev, I made a date with Lestrange and Bagman...
FEMALE GUESTS:
Dobby, dear, let's get down to business...
MALE GUESTS:
Lookit, elf, I can't wait til Thursday evening...
FEMALE GUESTS:
Dobby, you've been acting peculiar.....
MALE GUESTS:
Dobby boy, you know how I hate these delays....
FEMALE GUESTS:
Funny thing, your head was banged only last night...
DOBBY:
Bagman…Goyle…Mulciber...I...
FEMALE GUESTS:
You shouldn't say that, but...
DOBBY
Travers...MacNair...Wicked people!...
FEMALE GUESTS:
Dobby, can't you hurry, you sure you're all right? ....
MALE GUESTS:
Dobby...Dobby...Dobby dummy....
FEMALE GUESTS:
He has done something wrong! ....
MALE GUESTS:
Dobby bubi, Dobby fella, Dobby, Dobby...
MALFOYS AND GUESTS [together]:
Dobby, come and bring us our dinner!
We are so mad for our food!
Dobby, come and bring us our dinner!
Come and feed hungry us,
Death Eaters, eat with us--
You ellllllllllllllllfffffffffffffff you!
The dinner finally ready, DOBBY swiftly sets each place, as the CHORUS singles him out
All toil
Soiree
It's your
Slavery
Pots boil
No pay
You sigh
Slavery
Long nights,
No rights,
Ball & chain,
Death threats,
Cold sweats,
Our beck and call.
He bakes
Hot cakes
Awful pain,
Entrées
On trays
Your master drawls--
"House elf,
House elf, chill us our wine
House elf, fill up our stein
Yo, Dobby my elf!"
For all those cruel and brutal people, us fiends!
Those cruel and brutal people, those Malfoy fiends!
And that's why you're going all out, isn't it?
That's why you're going all out,
Going all out!
MALE GUESTS:
Isn't it? Isn't it? Isn't it? Isn't it?
FEMALE GUESTS:
You Elffff……
DOBBY:
I'm his elf and I'm his elf and I'm his elf and I'm his elf
And I'm his elf and I'm his elf and I'm his elf!
Poor elf I!
ALL:
Slavery! Slavery!
Slavery!
Lots of
Drudgery!
Years of
Misery!
Elves need
Slavery!
Slavery!
Slavery!
As the last place is set, DOBBY collapses as the DEATH EATERS begin their feast
A filk by Ginger on It Must Be Me (Candide's Second Meditation) from Candide. (Words by Richard Wilbur. Music by Leonard Bernstein)
DOBBY (still enslaved by the Malfoys):
My master told me that clothes aren't for my kind;
The thought of trousers just drives me from my mind.
There must be jumpers and hosiery.
I must be free, I must be free.
My master told me that clothes are for the good.
I think more of them than a good House-Elf should.
I long for neckties and jewelry.
I must be free, I must be free.
A filk by Gail to the tune of If I Were a Rich Man, from Fiddler on the Roof
DOBBY: (spoken) We House Elves really enjoy serving humans. I realize, of course, that it's no shame to serve. But it's not all fun and games, either. So, why would it be so terrible to want to be given clothes?
(singing) If I were a free Elf
And to truly be through and go and do simply as I please
I imagine it would be good if
I were not an enslaved Elf
I'd be independent
I dream to leave allowed right now and how lovely that would be
If by some means Dobby could be freed
Then you'd see a very happy Elf
I'd collect tons of clothes in all sorts of colors
Throw this old pillowcase away
Some brand new socks to wear upon my two feet
I'd own a pair with patterns in a loud argyle
And some with a fancy appliqué
All this I feel would make my life complete
A closet filled with hats and jumpers and pants and socks
All of it belongs to me
With the greens and blues and reds and pinks
What a fashion statement that would be
It would proclaim, "Here is a free House Elf!"
But I'm not a free Elf
And I wear these nasty, soiled, spoiled, stinky, grimy rags
I could shed this grubby, shabby thing
If I weren't an enslaved Elf
I'd be getting wages
How I'm awfully weary and pissed at this nasty slavery
All day long I hurry, scurry `round
Busy, dizzy, tiny, winy Elf
Right now Malfoy, my master, treats me like I'm vermin scum
Calling me names that are bad
I prepare his meals for him and his wife
Then he may punish me hard for absolutely nothing
Ow! It's so painful when he's mad
Still I have to serve him my whole life
If I do something wrong sometimes I have to hurt myself
Slam my ears in the oven door
Or maybe iron my own hands
"Right away, my master"
"As you say, my master"
I must quickly fulfill all his demands
And it doesn't matter if I consider that my master treats me wrong
When you're bound then you don't have a voice
If I were free, I could speak what's on my mind
And say what I'd really like to say
And maybe one day work at the Ministry
Where I'd pass laws on House Elf emancipation
And how we should receive pay
Then all of my brethren would be free
Wish I were a free Elf
I don't mind if my friends call me silly, crazy, zany, dumb
I'm not happy with this tyranny
But I am an enslaved Elf
I want to wear clothing
Although I know rarely are we set free from our slavery
I keep dreaming this dream to myself
It would be the greatest sort of wealth
And improve my state of mental health
If I was a freed House Elf
To the tune of Tony Orlando & Dawn's Knock Three Times
THE SCENE: The Malfoy Estate, summer 1992. Enter LUCIUS MALFOY and the enslaved DOBBY
LUCIUS
Hey elf what ya doin' down there
Makin' my silver gleam while you add cream to my coffee
To some wrong folks you've been talkin'
Doin' by far too much squawkin'
In my house with me but you don't obey me
I loathe this
Oh my Dobby
Bang three times on the mantle with your head now
Iron your hands just to make sure you know
Oh, my house-elf
(Bang! Bang! Bang!) means that you're learning your lesson
Twice slam your ears if you're learning too slow
Exit LUCIUS
DOBBY
Dobby snuck out of the mansion tonight
Pulling some strings to seize letters addressed to young Harry
From Hagrid, Wheezy and Miss Granger
I must rescue him from danger
Although to atone I must become self-disciplinary
Oh my goodness
Bang three times with my head against the doorway
Two waterjugs shatter over my brow
Oh my master
(Bang! Bang! Bang!) means that Dobby's such a bad elf
Just two more whacks, guess I'm all done for now
Though a good elf is obedient
Dobby needs a good expedient
To give of his all to work Harry's withdrawal
From Hogwarts
Oh, young Harry
Bank your life that this house-elf will yet save you
Blockades I'll place so on trains you can't go
Oh, my hero
(Wham! Wham! Wham!) means you're overcome by Bludgers
Fall off your broom, then just look out below!
DOBBY vanishes
A filk by Judy Nathanson to the title tune of Jerry Herman's Hello Dolly
HARRY
Hello Dobby
Well, hello Dobby
It's so strange to see an elf upon my bed
What did you say?, Dobby
I should stay?, Dobby
In this place where they all hate me;
Have you lost your head!?
Here, I'm worse than a stranger
If I face danger
Let it be where I have come to know myself, elf!
Please don't wail, Dobby
Give me back all my mail, Dobby
Your 'saving me' is costing me my health!
Don't be a pest, Dobby
They have guests, Dobby
If they hear us they will punish me for sure!
It's gonna hurt, Dobby
If dessert, Dobby
Floats around the kitchen, then comes tumbling to the floor
Because you came, Dobby
Missed the train, Dobby
Wrecked the Weasley's car and got scarred by that tree, then,
Broke my arm, Dobby
You're doin' less good than harm, Dobby
Here's a sock from Malfoy, elf;
Put some clothes upon yourself;
Dobby'll never be a slave again!
A filk by Judy Nathanson
to the tune of Frosty the Snowman
Dobby, the house elf
Was a ragged mass of groans
Wearing one old dirty pillow case
Wrapped around his weary bones
Dobby, the house elf
Disobeyed his master cruel
Just to try and warn his "hero" of
The dangers back at school
He tried so many tricks to keep
Poor Harry safe at home
But Harry got to school and faced
Tom Riddle all alone
Now Dobby, the house elf
Thanks to Harry was set free
Now he holds his head up high and wears
His socks up to each knee
Dobby, the house elf
Is no longer Malfoy's slave
When you mention Harry Potter you
Will hear that Dobby rave
Harry's a hero, Harry's a hero
Hear that Dobby rave!
A filk by Jake A Ralphing (Luke Brattoni) to the tune of The Twelve Days Of Christmas
On the Elf days of Christmas, young Dobby gave Harry:
Twelve Snitches flying,
Eleven Knuts for buying,
Ten owls off mailing,
Nine Howlers wailing,
Eight Times-a-turning,
Seven subjects learning,
Six Potions brewing,
Five Hippogriffs!
Four coloured robes,
Three DVDs,
Two cheeky twins,
And a copy of HP3!
To the tune of Roxie from Chicago (the stage version)
THE SCENE: Somewhere in the Wizarding World. The newly liberated DOBBY optimistically scans the classified section of The Daily Prophet, looking for paid employment
DOBBY
The name emblazed on that paycheck
Is gonna be Dobby
The career in magic high-tech
Is gonna be Dobby's
I'm gonna be a swell employee
That means one elf who does it himself
Sendin' a resume their way
That takes up a complete bookshelf
I'll find some post quite vacant now
That's gonna be Dobby's
I don't care if it takes all week
'Cause since I've left that Malfoy gang
My head no longer has to bang
Dobby's job he seeks!
(Spoken) I always wanted to be in the labor market. I'll get me an elf to join me. Oh, heck, I'll get me a whole bunch of elves
Enter CHORUS OF HOUSE ELVES, with tuxedo-like designs crudely painted on their tea towels. They seem somewhat uncertain about their involvement in this particular number
The name emblazed on that paycheck
Is gonna be…
CHORUS OF HOUSE ELVES (shocked):
Dobby????
DOBBY:
The career in magic high-tech
Is gonna be
CHORUS (remonstrating):
Dobby!!!
He's gonna be a swell employee
DOBBY:
That means everything will be my way
CHORUS:
He's the man with the pension plan
Overtime and…..
DOBBY:
...401(k)
Ooh, ah ah ah
There is some post quite vacant now
That's gonna be……
Sing it!
CHORUS (fractional hesistation):
Dobby's
DOBBY:
For house-elf freedom I now speak
CHORUS:
And who in case he doesn't starve
DOBBY & CHORUS
An everlasting niche will carve
Dobby's job he seeks!
CHORUS:
He's gonna wait for a long time
To get some work, Dobby
DOBBY:
I'll soon be earnin' that first dime
CHORUS
Fat chance for you, Dobby
DOBBY:
With composure, me in my hosiery
I'll go all the way straight to the top
CHORUS:
Such a thing, such a thing
Dobby's such a ding-a-ling
DOBBY:
I'll own my own bucket and mop
(spoken) Oh, I'm now free. And Harry Potter clothed me. And Dobby loves Harry Potter. And Dobby loves himself for loving Harry Potter. And that's because Dobby never got enough love in his childhood. And how could Dobby get any kind of love in his childhood at all when he was nothing more than the miserable chattel of that cruel rapacious abusive sadistic Death Eater Luc-
DOBBY stops abruptly and bangs his head several times
But that's his biz…….
CHORUS:
Oh, yeah.
He's giving up the house-elf life
DOBBY:
I'm gonna be…….
CHORUS: (rolling their eyes)
Dobby!!!
His strategy does not sound smart
DOBBY:
But Lucius Malfoy will feel a dunce
If he could only see me once
DOBBY & CHORUS:
Dobby's job he starts
CHORUS:
Dobby etc...
DOBBY:
Oooh ah ah ah ah ah ah….
Exit DOBBY, vanishing with a loud crack. After wringing their collective hands for a while, exit CHORUS in the same manner
A filk by Amy Z and Haggridd to the Aretha Franklin tune of the same name
DOBBY:
(ooh) Dobby wants
(ooh) What he has not.
(ooh) Wizards pays
(ooh) Dobby diddly-squat!
(ooh) All I is askin'
(ooh) Is for a little career outside the home.
(just a little one)
A stipend
(just a little one)
Outside the home,
(just a little one)
Master.
(just a little one)
I ain't gonna do only what you permit
Ain't gonna do no more (oo)
'Cause Dobby has quit. (oo)
All I is askin' (oo)
Is for a little career outside the home
(just a little one)
Master
(just a little one)
Outside the home,
(Just a little one)
Yeah. (just a little one)
Dobby doesn't think it is at all funny.
All I asks is the right to earn money,
And make my "daily profits"
Outside the home. (just a, just a, just a, just a)
Nice Master, (just a, just a, just a, just a)
I wants to roam, (just a little bit)
Yeah. (just a little bit)
Ooo, I wants clothes;
Nothin' that's shoddy.
And for what?
To cover my body.
All I want you to do for me
Is give clothes to wear outside the home.
(re, re, re ,re)
Nice master.
(re, re, re ,re)
And don't whip Dobby
(respect, just a little bit)
When he get home, now.
(just a little bit)
R-E-S-P-E-C-T
House-elves does not work for free!
R-E-S-P-E-C-T
I has joined the bourgeoi-
-Sie!
(sock it to me, sock it to me, sock it to me, sock it to me)
Oh
(sock it to me, sock it to me, sock it to me, sock it to me)
Dobby wants clothes,
(sock it to me, sock it to me, sock it to me, sock it to me)
Not towels.
(just a little one)
Dobby wants payin'.
(just a little bit)
Wants to try some
(just a little bit)
Disobeyin'.
(just a little bit)
I is wantin' a vacation.
(just a little one)
Dobby's gone strayin'
(just a little bit)
(re, re, re, re) 'spect
Outside the home.
(re, re, re ,re)
I just might walk out
(respect, just a little bit)
And learn how to knit.
(just a little bit)
I gots to have it.
(just a little bit)
Dobby wants payin'.
(just a little bit)
To the tune of That's Entertainment! from Vincente Minelli's 1953 movie The Band Wagon, music by Arthur Schwartz and lyrics by Howard Dietz.
THE SCENE: The Great Hall. Enter the TRIO, DOBBY and WINKY
DOBBY & HG: When an elf wants to earn his own pelf
HP & RW: Wins his socks from the school of hard knocks
HP, HG & DOBBY: And with glee, becomes totally free
ALL: That's liberation!
HP & RW: When an elf who thinks not of herself
WINKY & DOBBY: With a sob, learns she's out of a job
HG, HP, RW: Thanks to Crouch, who's a bit of a grouch
ALL: That's dislocation!
DOBBY: I wants to be paid at a livable wage
HG & WINKY: That very idea puts most folks in a rage
DOBBY (to Winky): We'll see Dumbledore, he's the great Hogwarts sage
WINKY & DOBBY: We'll find work in his kitchen
DOBBY: And perhaps she'll stop her …..
HG, HP, RW: (interrupting) …..griping.
HG: Elves aren't free - you all know that not news
HP & RW: That's inspired her creation of SPEW
WINKY: Freedom means that you've nothin' to lose
ALL: When they cast clothes away
It will bring on a day of……
(simultaneously)
HG & DOBBY: ….Jubilation!
HP & RW: …..Complications!
WINKY: …..Trepidation!
A filk by R.J. Lupin to the tune of All I Care About from the Broadway version of Chicago
SCENE: Winky sits sad and upset in the Kitchens of Hogwarts, very depressed because she is not serving Mr. Crouch anymore. Dobby, being the optimistic elf that he is, soon comes over and tries to console her with his new things from having freedom
WINKY:
I want Barty
Give me Barty
M-A-S-T-E-R
Good I'll be
He's my kind of a boss
But, ooh, I cry
'Cause where is he?
DOBBY: (spoken) Winky! Barty Crouch is not your master anymore. Now you work for Professor Dumbledore! You gets to have fun and get money if you want! Clothes too! But you know what the best part is?
WINKY: (spoken)
What?
DOBBY: (spoken)
Socks!
And Dobby sings, dancing around, showing off his socks as the other elves look at him strangely
DOBBY:
Though I like to see some brand new clothes
Sunglasses on my nose
Those can't compare
All I care about is socks!
My favorite clothing!
Dobby don't care for teatowel rags
Old and plain, plus they sag
No, no not me
All I care about is socks!
WINKY:
All you care about is socks?!
DOBBY:
Show me two
Socks of blue
Really stinking, oh P.U.!
When I clean them just like new
It's a pair of socks for me or you!
Dobby wants to wear a nice attire
Free to wear what inspires
Hogwarts is great
All I care about is socks
Dobby stops his odd dancing for a second, and stands, looking at the elves, who all seem to be utterly bewildered to his actions. He stands on one of the tables, looks at them all and speaks
DOBBY: (spoken) Now maybe you think Dobby is just talking about Harry Potter's bloody, muddy, slimey sock that he gave to Dobby to set Dobby free. Well, Dobby isn't. There are other kinds of socks too. Like individual toe socks! Neon socks! Fruity smelling socks! Polka-dot socks! That's the kind of socks Dobby is talking about!
He stops his loud and proud speech for a second and tilts his head, and speaks a little lower
...And Harry Potter's sock isn't so bad either.
Dobby smiles, hops off the table, and begins whistling as he skips around the kitchen
WINKY:
Dobby, you're sick!
DOBBY:
But all I care about is socks!
Aren't they pretty?
WINKY:
Get him help, quick!
All he cares about is socks!
DOBBY:
All I care about is socks!
Show me a pair of socks
Woolen one, the other spots
When I put them on my feet
Keep your sweater, this just can't be beat!
I don't care for any short or shirt
Hat or sweater, keep your skirt
No no, not me!
All I care about
Is getting a cloth right
Down on both my feet
It's striped or plain
It still is a treat
All I care about is....
Socks!!!
During the last section, Dobby has triumphantly ran around showing his socks to the elves, who look at the sock in a repulsive manner and make a face. At the end, he stands with a different sock in each hand, triumphant looking, until Winky grabs a sock from one of his hands and throws it into his face.
To the tune of What Is This Feeling? from Stephen Schwarz's Wicked
"[Winky] still does not care for clothes, Harry Potter. Nor do the other house-elves. None of them will clean Gryffindor Tower any more, not with the hats and socks hidden everywhere, they finds them insulting, sir."
- Dobby, OOP, Chap.19
THE SCENE: Gryffindor Tower. Two house-elves share their concerns over Hermione's latest liberation project
FIRST HOUSE-ELF
There's been some confusion
Over cleaning Gryffindor
SECOND HOUSE-ELF
But of course, it's not the messes
FIRST HOUSE-ELF
And it's not that I don't love it:
BOTH
For we know that elves should not be waxing wroth
Yes, there's been some confusion
For you see, we found some more….
FIRST HOUSE-ELF
….Of Hermione's exceedingly peculiar
And altogether quite impossible to ignore….
SECOND HOUSE-ELF
…..Cloth
FIRST HOUSE-ELF
What is this fabric?
So woven and knit?
SECOND HOUSE-ELF
It's felt or it's satin
Or something like it.
FIRST HOUSE-ELF
Is it a stocking?
SECOND HOUSE-ELF
Is it acrylic?
FIRST HOUSE-ELF
We think it shocking
BOTH
What is this fabric?
We stand here appalled
What is this stuff called?
It's……..clothing!
It's contaminated clothing!
FIRST HOUSE-ELF
Here's some wool
SECOND HOUSE-ELF
Some yarn
FIRST HOUSE-ELF
A bow thing
BOTH
It is clear - she'd clothe us all!
Ev'ry single hat and ev'ry sock
Makes us fear she'll break apart our lock
With polyester clothing
She is placing us in peril
With this display of apparel
We will surely grieve!
Ev'ry elf is gonna be set free
If we cannot stop her shopping spree
Then it will be clothing
Clothing us
With what she weaves!
Enter DOBBY, WINKY & CHORUS OF HOUSE-ELVES
DOBBY
Fellow house-elves, do not be distressed
You will be happier once you are dressed
See these linens, see these cottons
They're the means through which she'll free us
And your chains will be forgotten
FIRST HOUSE-ELF
But it's still so injury-ous!
WINKY
To my fellow elves, let me transmit
The woe of one forced to manumit
I simply want to tell you:
Being free's the pits!
Don't share her…..
FIRST AND SECOND HOUSE-ELF (simultaneously with below)
What is this fabric
So pleated and plaid?
It's felt or it's flannel
Or something as bad
It needs some brushing
'Cause it's acrylic
Oh, what is this fabric?
Does it have a name?
Yes:
Ahhh Ahhh:
WINKY & CHORUS OF HOUSE-ELVES (simultaneously with above)
…..Clothing
Her contaminated clothing
Made with wool, with yarn
A bow thing.
It is clear:
She'll clothe us all!
Ev'ry single hat and ev'ry sock
Makes us fear she'll break
Apart our lock
ALL
Clothing!
FIRST AND SECOND HOUSE-ELF (&WINKY & CHORUS OF HOUSE-ELVES)
Don't let 'Mione inscribe her (Clothing!)
Mark on these immoral fibers (Clothing!)
It's purely so wrong! (So wrong!)
FIRST AND SECOND HOUSE-ELF
All of us declare we'll not try on
Anything in burlap or nylon
FIRST AND SECOND HOUSE-ELF (&WINKY & CHORUS OF HOUSE-ELVES)
And we'll not wear clothing (Clothing!)
Never never clothing (Clothing!)
Truly awful clothing (Clothing us!)
Our whole (Clothing!)
Life long! (Her contaminated clothing!)
Enter HERMIONE, with an armful of newly-made hats
HERMIONE
Hi!
ALL ELVES (except DOBBY)
Ahhhhhh!
The elves all run off in panic, leaving DOBBY free to take all of the hats
A filk by Embledore to the tune of What is This Feeling? from the musical Wicked
DOBBY:
What is this feeling, so strange for an elf?
Something that's coming from inside myself.
What am I wanting, and can I score it?
This place is haunting, and I abhor it.
Can I leave someday? There must be a way.
Yes...
Clothing, all I really want is clothing.
Slavery is what I'm loathing.
All I want, is to be free.
I don't want to serve Malfoys no more.
I just want to walk out of their door.
So all I need is clothing.
Its a strange characteristic,
Other elves think that I am sick,
But they are so wrong.
Though I will admit I like to work,
Abuse is not my favorite perk.
So I want some clothing to enjoy, my whole life long.
OTHER ELVES:
Dearest Dobby you're so very strange.
Is there a way that we can make you change?
We're supposed to serve our masters,
'Till the day that we expire.
Freedom's not what we are after.
DOBBY:
But, that's what Dobby desires.
ELVES:
Poorest Dobby shouldn't stand tall.
Go bang you head up against the wall.
We just want to tell you
You have shamed us all.
'Cuz you want clothing.
DOBBY: (simultaneously with Elves below)
What is this feeling, so strange for an elf?
Something that's coming from inside myself.
What am I wanting, and can I score it?
This place is haunting, and I abhor it.
Can I leave someday? There must be a way.
Yes...
ELVES (simultaneously with Dobby above)
Clothing, why would you desire clothing?
Slavery is what you're loathing,
But you're wrong, we're meant to serve.
You embarrass us beyond compare
Clothing's not what elves' supposed to wear.
Ahhh
ALL:
Clothing!
DOBBY:
Its a strange characteristic,
Other elves think that I am sick,
But they are so wrong.
Though I will admit I like to work,
Abuse is not my favorite perk.
So I want some clothing I can dress in...
Clothing, to wear neatly...
Clothing to enjoy...
My whole life long.
Clothing, all I really want is clothing.
Pop! He disapparates, elf style.
A filk by Evelle to the tune of Reel Big Fish's Beer from their album Turn the Radio Off.
Summary: Winky's depression summed up into song format.
WINKY
They caught me late last night
With the wand in my hand
No proof that I was innocent
I said I never did
and that I never would
He'd do it all again
I guess I'll have to wait until then
If I get drunk well, I'll pass out
on the floor now Barty
You won't bother me no more
If you're cleaning, well you know
you're a house elf and I say
I think I'll have some Butterbeer
They caught me late last night
tried to explain myself
There's no changing Master's mind
Well, he gave me clothes, it wouldn't be all right
But I can't live without him
so I won't even try
If I get drunk well, I'll pass out
on the floor now Barty
You won't bother me no more
If you're cleaning, well you know
you're a house elf and I say
I think I'll have some Butterbeer
Maybe someday I'll think of what to say
Maybe next time I'll follow Master's orders
Home looks like heaven
Maybe this is hell
Bart Junior's doing it again,
I promised not to tell!
If I get drunk well, I'll pass out
on the floor now Barty
You won't bother me no more
Dobby said
It's okay Winky
You know we'll be good friends and I say
I think I'll have some Butterbeer
A filk by Constance Vigilance - anyone old enough to remember the old jingle It's Slinky
?
Who sits and cries with big brown eyes
The Crouches' caretaker, she.
Refuses pay, the House Elf way?
Everyone knows it's Winky.
Batlike ears and butterbeers
And loyalty put to the test.
Tomato nose and filthy clothes?
Everyone knows its Winky.
It's Winky, It's Winky
She never asked to be free.
It's Winky, It's Winky
Reluctant elf employee.
(repeat three times)
A filk by Jason LeBouef to the tune of Satin Sheets by Loretta Lynn
This filk makes me sad. Poor Winky :-(
WINKY
Fuzzy Hats to put on
Fuzzy slippers to cry on
Still I is not happy can't you see
Dark mark in the sky
Ministry ask Winky why
Still Master Crouch set Winky free
HERMIONE
I've got a master plan
To free as many elves that I can
Leavin' clothes for them when they pass by
DOBBY
But the house elves don't want your clothes
And they don't clean here no more
You see workin' here
keeps them satisfied
(HOUSE ELVES)/WINKY
(Fuzzy hats)
Fuzzy hats to put on
(Fuzzy slippers)
Fuzzy slippers to cry on
(oooooh…)
Still I is not happy can't you see
(aaaaaah….)
Dark mark in the sky
Ministry ask Winky why
Still Master Crouch set Winky free
(repeat chorus)
A filk by Red Scharlach to the tune of Bob Dylan's The Times They Are A-Changin'
Enter DOBBY and WINKY. DOBBY has a guitar; WINKY has a very worried look on her face.
DOBBY
Come gather round, house-elves, and hear Dobby's song
For the wizarding world has oppressed us too long
We work for no money, it's sad and it's wrong
The injustice is truly outragin'
In filth and in rags isn't where we belong
Oh our lives, they need a-changin'
WINKY
Oh Dobby, please stop, a bad elf you have been
You is shaming us all, you's not fit to be seen
You's wasting your time trying to fight the machine
There's no time for ranting and ragin'
When there's carpets to sweep and there's bathrooms to clean
And the sheets, they need a-changin'
DOBBY
There's no need to live with our heads on the blocks
Even Hogwarts need not be a school of hard knocks
There's plenty of galleons in Dumbledore's box
And he's willing to pay us for slavin'
So cast off your shackles and pull up your socks
For our lives, they need a-changin'
WINKY
Oh Dobby, you's going quite mad, I'm afraid
Firsts you loses your job, now you wants to be paid
Back home with the Malfoys I wish you had stayed
This freedom is surely derangin'
I's wanting no part of this mess you have made
And my mind is not a-changin'
DOBBY
I dream that all house-elves will one day be freed
To live as they choose and be paid what they need
So sign up with SPEW and pass on their creed
Their policy's very wide-rangin'
Let justice prevail, we'll be happy indeed
And our lives will be a-changin'!
A filk by Lilac to the tune of Jimmy Crack Corn
THE SCENE: Dobby is working for pay in the kitchens of Hogwarts during GOF, and looses attention from his task as he starts to reminisce on how he became free to the other House-Elves. They, of course, are too busy preparing food and washing dishes to listen to that strange Dobby and are trying their best to ignore him. This scene is not in GOF per se, but one of those behind-the-scenes events that could have happened...
DOBBY (Spoken): Ah, you don't know what you all is missin', working for pay and choosing where you is working. It was not easy for Dobby to be set free. But thanks to the good, noble, great Harry Potter, I is free to choose where to work.. Dobby remembers it Iike it was only yesterday...
Banjo music starts playing an intro
(SINGING)
When Dobby was house-elf, Dobby would wait
Upon the Malfoy's and give' em their plates
Dobby poured pumpkin juice when they gots dry...
And hoped that Lucius Malfoy'd die!
Master made me punish self, but Dobby don't care
Master made me burn self, but Dobby don't care
Master kicked me tiny bum, but Dobby don't care
Dobby's Master's gone away!
Dobby warned Harry to not return
To Hogwart's or he'd really get burned..
Dobby's Master had some dastardly plans
To turn Harry over into Tom's hands
Dobby tossed the pudding, but Harry don't care.
Dobby closed the platform, but Harry don't care.
Dobby broke Harry's arm, but Harry don't care....
Harry didn't go away.
BUT....(a little slower now)
The great Harry Potter helped set Dobby free
By puttin' Harry's sock on Tom's diary
He threw it to Master
Who caught it furiously...
(faster) and tossed the sock right to Dobby!
Master gave me clothes, and set Dobby free
Master gave me clothes and set Dobby free
Master gave me clothes and set Dobby free
And now Dobby gets paying!
Dobby got revenge on his old Master
by hexing him down the stairs right after
he was about to hurt Mr. Potter
But Dobby got even with that old rotter!
Dobby gets pay now, and you should too
Dobby gets pay now, and you should too
Dobby gets pay now, and you should too
And be just like Dobby!
Dobby ends on bended knee with arms out wide, a satisfied grin on his face. The other house-elves shake their heads whispering phrases to each other like,"Poor Dobby..." "Dobby should be ashamed..." "Dobby gots too much freedom..." "Oh, well." he sighs. "Dobby tried." He stands up, shuffles his mismatched-sock-covered feet over to the counter again, picks up the potato he was peeling and gets back to work.
To the tune of Everybody Ought To Have A Maid, from Sondheim's A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum
THE SCENE: The ground of Hogwarts. Enter LUCIUS MALFOY and BARTY CROUCH, Sr.
LUCIUS
Everybody ought to have an elf
Everybody ought to have a helpful sprite
Everybody ought to use their elf-ful might
For straightening up the home
CROUCH, SR.
Everybody ought to have an elf
Everybody ought to own such modest slaves
Although they are the oddest knaves
Who are even more weird than gnomes.
LUCIUS
Oh, oh, wouldn't it be reposing
Having 'em without clothing
To do the chores?
CROUCH: Oh, oh, wouldn't it be relaxing
LUCIUS: Working less
CROUCH: Shirking more?
BOTH
Everybody ought to have an elf
Someone who you sign up when you need a serf
To labor on your bit of turf
Who never have need to roam.
LUCIUS: Moiling in the kitchen
CROUCH: Boiling up my coffee
LUCIUS: Broiling up some dinner
CROUCH: Spoiling up the master
BOTH: Toiling all around the home!
LUCIUS:
Oh, oh, wouldn't it oppressive
Were I to use excessive
Elf-discipline?
Oh, oh, wouldn't it be malicious
Slapping down
Strapping in
BOTH:
Everybody ought to have an elf
Someone proudly showing the ingredients
Of absolute obedience
Who'll scrape before our throne
LUCIUS: Keeling beneath their burdens
CROUCH: Reeling off their Creole
LUCIUS: Kneeling 'fore their owners
BOTH: Concealing fam'ly secrets
Squealing all around the home
CROUCH
Everybody ought to have an elf
Everybody ought to have a vassal who
Tries so hard not to hassle you
While cleaning with fine-toothed combs
LUCIUS
Oh, oh, think of them as a captive,
Who are highly adaptive
Slogging about.
CROUCH:
Oh, oh, shouldn't they be exploited,
Giving in,
Giving out.
LUCIUS
Everybody ought to have an elf,
If their work does not give you astonishment
Assign to them self-punishment
They're eager to atone!
LUCIUS: Yardening in the garden,
CROUCH: Guarding all through the arbors,
LUCIUS: Ardently bearing tea trays,
CROUCH: Laboring in each doorway
BOTH: Bustling all around the home!
The home!
The home!
Enter DUMBLEDORE, who is obviously abashed at having to sing in such company. He draws a piece of foolscap from his robe before he sings, making it clear that he has not memorized his lines beforehand
DUMBLEDORE
Everybody ought to have an elf
Someone who's established in their servitude
Who know just how to serve a dude
And shy away from crusades!
Oh, oh, aren't they all so domestic
Doing their very best if
They don't get paid
Oh, oh, aren't they so very loyal
LUCIUS
Don't we all
Have it made?
CROUCH & LUCIUS
Everybody ought to have an elf,
Even those with a name that means "bumblebee"
And though he thinks he's humble, he
Cannot his role evade.
DUMBLEDORE
Budgeting kept in balance
LUCIUS
Drudgering in your kitchen
CROUCH
Trudgering in your dorm rooms
DUMBLEDORE
Pudgering up the Weasleys
CROUCH & LUCIUS
Smudgering all about your fame!
Your name!
Your name!
A filk by Ginger to the Tune of It Takes a Woman from Hello, Dolly. Music and lyrics by Jerry Herman.
The totally non-canonical trio of Lucius Malfoy, Barty Crouch Sr, and the portrait of Mother Black sing an ode to House-Elves.
BARTY:
It takes a house-elf with tomato nose
To make sure your son has invisible clothes.
And it takes a servant in tea-towel dressing
To keep all your secrets when memories you're messing.
ALL: (REFRAIN)
Yes, it takes a house-elf, a trusty house-elf
A worker, a servant, an elf.
Oh, yes it takes a house-elf, an enslaved house-elf
To do things I won't do myself.
LUCIUS:
The down-trod house-elf who irons its hands
And bowing and grov'ling meets all my demands.
And it takes my orders when I am reclining,
And follows me 'round when my shoes need a shining.
All repeat refrain
ALL:
And so they'll work in all humility.
Three cheers for their ability.
Rah, rah, rah,
H-Ow-S, E-L-F
MADAM BLACK:
It's even useful when properly dead.
Such fine decoration you get from its head.
And should its service not end with such closing,
It gratefully serves you when you're decomposing.
All repeat refrain, repeat refrain again, then refrain from repeating.
To the tune of Feed the Birds from Disney's Mary Poppins
THE SCENE: Hogwarts Kitchen. A CHORUS OF HOUSE-ELVES sing of two frequent visitors.
CHORUS
Early one year to the Hogwarts ovens
The clever young Weasley twins hacked
In their own docile way to the house-elves they wend,
"Come, fill our tummies with snacks.
Come feed the Weasley twins, don't let them starve
And you'll be glad if you do.
Us young ones are famished,
Our cupboards are stark;
All it takes is cream cakes from you."
Feed the twins, cream cakes and pies
Cream cakes, cream cakes, cream cakes and pies.
"Feed the twins," that's what elves say
Low overhead lets us serve buffets
All around Hogwarts Castle young George and young Frederick
Sneak 'round as they prowl for grub
And now that they've found us, we see they are smiling
Each time they tell us, "Hey, thanks, bub!"
Though their words are plaintive indeed,
Listen, listen, give in to their greed:
"Feed the twins, cream cakes and pies
Cream cakes, cream cakes, cream cakes and pies."
A filk by Anni to the tune of We Wish You a Merry Christmas
We won't let you enslave house-elves
We won't let you enslave house-elves
We won't let you enslave house-elves
So give them some clothes
Good house-elves, you say, are seen and not heard
They don't question orders and you don't pay them squat
We won't let you enslave house-elves
We won't let you enslave house-elves
We won't let you enslave house-elves
So give them some clothes
A filk by Stella to the tune of All You Need is Love
by the Beatles
SPEW, SPEW, SPEW
SPEW, SPEW, SPEW
SPEW, SPEW, SPEW
SPEW, SPEW, SPEW
There's no elf you can free that can't be freed
You always have to help an elf in need
And for their justice we will fight in their name
It's easy.
SPEW, SPEW, SPEW
We need to make the people understand
And for their rights we will demand
Elves will be free everywhere we can expand
It's easy.
All you need is SPEW
All you need is SPEW
All you need is SPEW, SPEW
SPEW is all you need
All you need is SPEW
All you need is SPEW
All you need is SPEW, SPEW
SPEW is all you need
SPEW, SPEW, SPEW
No house-elf can be freed without you
That's why everyone should join SPEW
Think of all the things that we can do by ourselves
It's easy.
All you need is SPEW
All you need is SPEW
All you need is SPEW, SPEW
SPEW is all you need
All you need is SPEW
(Altogether now) All you need is SPEW
(Everybody now) All you need is SPEW
All you need is SPEW, SPEW
SPEW is all you need
SPEW is all you need (SPEW is all you need)
SPEW is all you need (SPEW is all you need)
SPEW is all you need (SPEW is all you need)
A filk by Alessandra C. to the tune of L-O-V-E by Nat King Cole
HERMIONE:
S is for support this cause with me
P is for poor house-elves, set them free
E is every, every house-elf mistreated
W is for the wizarding folk who enslaved them
SPEW is justice for them, I tell you
SPEW is not just a joke, that's true
We as one can make it
Take a badge and please don't forget it
SPEW will make their freedom truth.
S is for support this cause with me
P is for poor house-elves, set them free
E is every, every house-elf mistreated
W is for the wizarding folk who enslaved them
SPEW is justice for them, I tell you
SPEW is not just a joke, that's true
We as one can make it
Take a badge and please don't forget it
SPEW will make their freedom truth
SPEW will make their freedom truth
SPEW will make their freedom truth.
A filk by Iggy McSnurd to the tune of Pure Imagination from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.
HERMIONE: (Spoken to the House Elves at Hogwarts)
Stop your work
Wear this cap
You'll be freed
[Sung]
Come with me
And you'll be
Free and feeling
Total liberation
Take this sock
And you'll see
To your own liberation
We'll begin
Learning to spin
Fresh wool in-
To yarn for my creations
What I'll knit
Will defy
Descriptions
If you want to view paradise
Simply step outside and view it
Anything you want to, do it
Want to free yourselves?
There's nothing
To it
There is no
Life I know
To compare with
Total liberation
Living there
You'll be free
If you truly wish to be
If you want to view paradise
Simply step outside and view it
Anything you want to, do it
Want to free yourselves?
There's nothing
To it
There is no
Life I know
To compare with
Total liberation
Living there
You'll be free
If you truly
Wish to be
A filk by R.J. Lupin to the tune of Popular from Wicked.
It's the sort of thing I think Hermione would sing while trying to get people to join S.P.E.W.
HERMIONE:
Now once I found out house-elves
They clean and cook our food
It angered me, and then I
Just had to go and brood
Because I think this is all so rude
Then I knew I must do what I can
So I invented this new plan
And fin'lly now, something at last's began
I mean, this isn't fair!
There is no justice for elves anywhere
But I'm here
And for those house-elves I care
I will be there
And since we could
Then we should...
Free the elves!
I think we should free the elves
Oh I can just see it now
That one day, somehow
They will bow and take their leave- wow!
And then they'll have no more strife
Live a happy life
They will love it being free
Once we free the elves
We're going to free the elves
It's S-P-E-W
So don't call it "spew"
It's the only thing that'd fit
But that's fine
Because we've so much to do to stop it
Don't you think house-elves all deserve their common rights?
After all, they're enslaved by their master day and night
They deserve wages, holidays, pensions, a
Sick leave and a resting
We must keep protesting
So they're okay or
Free the elves!
Better yet, just free the elves
'Cause if they could free themselves
Things would all be well
And I'd not have to do all this- I hope
So let's all work together
Give those elves forever bliss - hope!
Elfish
Welfare!
We gotta get them proper care!
When you see your fire's lit or
You've a clean comfty chair to sit
Don't you ever wonder why that is?
It's because
House-elves all have slaved away
So you can have a nice night and day
But are those elves satisfied?
Oh, please, don't lie
They are miserable!
Yes, and we need to free those elves
Can't you tell they're very sad
From the lives they've had
And we need to make it change
So stop staring like you think
It's strange!
(spoken to Neville, as she comes across him)
You do realize that house-elves cook your meals, clean the Gryffindor common room, light fires, and so much more without being seen, and yet they have no rights and aren't paid?
NEVILLE: (spoken)
Okay, okay, I'll buy a badge and join! Look, I'm even wearing it. Now, I, um, have to go... and write that one paper... for, er, Transfiguration. Yeah, uh, in the library. Bye!
He runs off
HERMIONE: (spoken)
Thank you!
(sings) Though you all suggest
That I'm too obsessed
And I should let it rest
It's never gonna end, not
Until I can depend they're dressed!
Elfish
Welfare!
Those elves will be free
And then
You can owe it all to me!
To the tune of I've Got You to Lean On from Sondheim's Anyone Can Whistle
THE SCENE: 12 Grimmauld Place. KREACHER and several Black family portraits conspire to repossess their ancestral home.
REGULUS:
Now how did the House of Black go wrong?
KREACHER:
'Cause the Phoenix Order is too strong.
MOTHER BLACK:
Dishonor!
AUNT ELLADORA:
Filth!
ARAMINTA:
Scum!
AUNT ELLADORA:
Half-breed!
MOTHER BLACK:
Dishonor!
AUNT ELLADORA:
Freak!
MOTHER BLACK:
Dishonor!
REGULUS:
Who let the Phoenix Order in?
KREACHER:
I'll give you a single guess, your kin.
REGULUS (indicating a portrait of Sirius):
He did?
KREACHER
He did.
MOTHER BLACK:
He did?
ARAMINTA:
He did.
REGULUS:
He did?!
AUNT ELLADORA:
He did.
MOTHER BLACK AND ARAMINTA:
He did!
ALL (Overlapping):
He'll be defeated!
He'll be defeated!
KREACHER:
Now, here's how to trap him unaware.
We'll target someone for whom he cares.
MOTHER BLACK:
Brilliant!
ARAMINTA:
Clever!
REGULUS:
Good!
MOTHER BLACK:
Brilliant!
REGULUS:
Brilliant!
ARAMINTA:
Brilliant!
KREACHER:
Blood traitors in control, such shame,
Who is the child I most blame?
One guess.
REGULUS:
Who?
MOTHER BLACK:
Harry Potter
ARAMINTA:
Harry Potter
ALL:
Harry Potter, no chip off the Black block
Harry Potter, we'll teach him to make mock
Harry Potter, at that lad we'll take aim!
MOTHER BLACK:
Damn, she's cleaning again!
KREACHER withdraws, and the painting all go silent. The music goes up-tempo as MOLLY dances in, with a copy of Gilderoy Lockhart's Guide to Household Pests in hand
MOLLY (to LOCKHART):
When cleaning up after Dark Arts
I have my own Martha Stewart.
Whenever I must
Wipe the dust
It's a joy
I've got you to clean with
When everything's dingy and gray,
You'll notice I'm scrubbing away!
Just give me a nest
Full of pests
To destroy.
When I've you to clean with,
Gilderoy!
PHOTO OF LOCKHART
With me to rely on, you'll get results
Just make this the manual you'll always consult.
MOLLY:
Whenever there's boggarts
Or dirt
That annoy
I've got you to clean with!
PHOTO OF LOCKHART
You've got me to clean with!
MOLLY:
I've got you to clean with!
PHOTO OF LOCKHART
You've got -
Exit MOLLY - KREACHER and the paintings resume their conspiring
AUNT ELLADORA:
Now, what shall we label him, my friends?
A term for that nephew who offends...
ARAMINTA:
"No-account hound dog."
REGULUS:
Brilliant!
AUNT ELLADORA:
Terrible!
REGULUS:
Terrible!
AUNT ELLADORA:
Idiot!
A phrase that's a little more noxious...
One calculated to
Shock us-
REGULUS:
Yes?
AUNT ELLADORA:
"Enemy of pureblood."
MOTHER BLACK:
Pureblood...
REGULUS:
Pureblood...
ARAMINTA:
Pureblood!
ALL:
Pureblood!
ARAMINTA:
Enemy of blood!
Enemy of the pure!
CHORUS OF PORTRAITS(Overlapping):
Enemy of pureblood!
Enemy of elves!
Enemy of the pure!
Enemy of the Dark Lord!
Enemy of pureblood!
ALL:
Harry Potter, soon your godpa is through!
Harry Potter, we will strike him through you!
Harry Potter, soon you'll face Voldemort!
KREACHER pulls out a well-worn photograph of Bellatrix Lestrange and gazes at it rapturously
KREACHER
Bell, my service is yours…..
Music again goes up-tempo as KREACHER dances joyously about the mansion
Whenever I'm tempted to swear
Allegiance to my rightful heir
You turn me turncoat
With your vote
In the fix
You help make me meaner.
CHORUS OF PORTRAITS:
When everything's vile at home,
We'll count on our faithful old gnome.
You'd better believe
He'll conceive
Evil tricks
You help make him meaner, Bellatrix!
KREACHER:
What comfort it is in my dank crawlspace
To gaze on that cruel and heavy-lidded face
Because I'm for her ship
I worship
Her pix -
You help make me meaner!
CHORUS OF PORTRAITS:
You help make him meaner!
KREACHER:
You help make me meaner!
For the big jitterbugging instrumental finale, the Blacks and Bellatrix emerge from their frames and join KREACHER in the dance. BLACK-out
A filk by Constance Vigilance to the tune of Yer Blues from the Beatles' White Album
As this is a totally depressing and gloomy blues number, it seemed tailor-made for Kreacher.
"Kreacher is cleaning, lives to serve.
Is it true? Is it Harry Potter?
Stopped the Dark Lord.
Kreacher wonders how he did it."
"My poor mistress, oh how she'd cry
My poor mistress, what would she say
If she knew the scum
Nasty brat of a blood traitor it is."
"Smells like a drain
A criminal to boot.
But she's no better
A nasty blood traitor
Messing up my mistress' house.
Mudbloods and werewolves
And traitors and thieves."
"Kreacher said nothing.
He lives to serve
The noble House of Black.
Master was a nasty swine
Not fit to wipe slime
From his mother's boots.
Ooh Mistress, what would she say."
"Master liked his little joke
A disappointment he was.
O my poor mistress
How she hated him
He broke his mother's heart.
Treasures thrown out
They say he's a murderer, too."
To the tune of Jingle Bells
THE SCENE: 12 Grimmauld Place, around Christmas. As KREACHER enters, the mounted heads of the House-Elves - each wearing a Santa cap - burst into song.
CHORUS OF ELF HEADS
Skulking through the house
Acting like he's deaf
Savaging the visitors
And saving photographs
Loving Mother Black
Loathing Sirius
KREACHER
Oh, what am I up to? Hint:
It's deleterious!
CHORUS OF ELF HEADS
Oh! Wrinkled elf, wrinkled elf
Wrinkled, old and gray
Fill his house with half-breeds
And you'll fill him with dismay
Oh! Wrinkled elf, wrinkled elf
Wrinkled, old and gray
He would rather play the role
Of villain than valet.
KREACHER
Ten years home alone
Like the Macaulay lad
Then doors are open thrown
Padfoot's in my pad.
Brings into disgrace
All his ancestry
He now says he will erase
Our grand old tapestry
CHORUS OF ELF HEADS
Oh! Wrinkled elf, wrinkled elf
Wrinkled, old and gray
Fill his house with half-breeds
And you'll fill him with dismay
Oh! Wrinkled elf, wrinkled elf
Wrinkled, old and gray
He would rather play the role
Of villain than valet.
KREACHER
When the time is right
Grimmauld Place I'll leave
To the Malfoy site
Wicked plots to weave
Hippogriff I'll harm
Potter bring to hearth
Sirius will buy the farm,
It's his last day on earth.
KREACHER & CHORUS
Oh! Wrinkled elf, wrinkled elf
Wrinkled, old and gray
Fill my/his house with half-breeds
And I'll/he'll fill you/them with dismay
Oh! Wrinkled elf, wrinkled elf
Wrinkled, old and gray
I/He would rather play the role
Of villain than valet.
I/He would rather play the role
Of villain than valet!
A filk by Ginger to the tune of Don't Stand So Close to Me by the Police
Kreacher, whose greatest desire is to be hung with his ancesters, would naturally fear being freed, don't you think? (In this filk, he refers to himself in the third person, as per Official Elvin Syntax™)
KREACHER:
Poor Kreacher, the subject
Of Master's enmity.
He wants out so badly,
Knows where he wants to be.
Inside here, there's Half-bloods,
And Mudbloods have free range.
His heart aches, and it goes now
To Bellatrix Lestrange.
Don't hand, don't hand those,
Don't hand those clothes to me.
Don't hand, don't hand those,
Don't hand those clothes to me.
Narcissa's so jealous.
You know how Black girls get.
Sometimes she misses Dobby
And wants a Kreacher-pet.
With manipulation,
His Master he defies.
When Master says "Get out now!"
To Malfoy house he flies.
Don't hand, don't hand those,
Don't hand those clothes to me.
Don't hand, don't hand those,
Don't hand those clothes to me.
Wild beast in the bedroom
To hurt he has to try.
The wall has more headroom.
The amputation's nigh!
It's no use,
He's needed
To send that Potter off
To meet with McNair, Crabbe,
Rookwood, and Dolohov.
Don't hand, don't hand those,
Don't hand those clothes to me.
Don't hand, don't hand those,
Don't hand those clothes to me.
Ginger, who hopes Kreacher will get his heart's desire. I love a happy ending.
A filk by Bandersnatch to the tune of the traditional Hanukkah ditty I Had A Little Dreidl
LUCIUS MALFOY:
I had a little house elf
And Dobby was his name.
When dinner wasn't ready,
Then Dobby I would blame.
Oh, Dobby, Dobby, Dobby,
My elfin slave was he.
He'd polish all the silver
And shine my shoes for me.
I'd make him wash the windows,
I'd make him wash the floor.
I'd make him shut his ears
Inside the oven door.
Oh, Dobby, Dobby, Dobby,
He'd follow my commands,
And if I wasn't happy
He'd iron both his hands.
My Dobby, he is gone now --
That Potter set him free.
So now I'll get my Draco
To shine my shoes for me.
Oh, Draco, Draco, Draco,
A Death Eater you'll be,
But since you're not yet ready
You'll be my new Dobby!
A filk by Randy Estes to the tune of Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas
Our house elves drink sherry during Christmas
And they all get tight!
Some plow on
Keep drinking and stay out all night!
Our House elves drink sherry every Christmas
Made the Boone's Farm way,
One season
Our whole crew was found miles away!
There they were in a purple haze
Had not slept for days, outdoors
Found by friends who lived near to us
Helped them catch a bus down shore
Through the years
They all will be together
If the matron allows
Says she'll trade them all for just one Guernsey Cow
But our house elves drink sherry during Christmas now.