Alleys and Villages
Madame Rosmerta
Based on various works of Toulouse-Lautrec
Image © 2007 Red Scharlach
Madame Rosmerta
Based on various works of Toulouse-Lautrec
Image © 2007 Red Scharlach
* = post-OOP
** = post-HBP
*** = post-DH
Wavin' Magic Wands Copyright 2000 by Caius Marcius; Hogsmeade! Copyright 2002 by Lilac; Diagon Alley Copyright 2002 by Judy Nathanson; Diagon Alley/Buy, Buy, Buy, Hog's Head and Knockturn Alley Copyright 2002-2004 by Gail; Hogsmeade Copyright 2002 by Merlin Missy; Three Broomsticks Barmaid Copyright 2003 by Red Scharlach; The Vaults Down Under Copyright 2004 by Ginger; Can't Buy Me Wands Copyright 2005 by Randy Estes; Knockturn Alley Copyright 2009 by Selkie
A filk by Judy Nathanson
to the tune of Carolina In The Morning (Judy Garland, et al.
Nothing could be more fun
Than to shop in old Diagon
For the school year
Crooked buildings leaning in,
Their windows filled with everything
You need here
First you go to Gringotts
And you pick up your loot
Then, off into the alley you scoot
Wands & robes & pets & brooms
Books & cauldrons,
All in Diagon Alley!
A filk by Gail to the tune of Kansas City/Hey Hey Hey by the Beatles
MOLLY WEASLEY (The Weasley children singing backup):
Ah, Diagon Alley
Going there to get some shopping done
Yeah, yeah
We're going to Diagon Alley
Going to get some shopping done
Yeah, yeah
Well, the entrance is behind
The Leaky Cauldron
Ah, Diagon Alley
Going to have a real good time
Yeah, yeah
We're going to Diagon Alley
Going to have a real good time
Yeah, yeah
With Arthur, Percy, Fred, George
Ronald, Ginny and I
Hey, hey, hey, hey
(Hey, hey, hey, hey)
Hey, Harry
(Hey, Harry)
Oooo, now dear
(yeah, yeah)
I said come right here
(Harry)
Now, now, now, now come on Harry
We'll go by the Floo
Hey, hey, hey, hey
(Hey, hey, hey, hey)
Hey, Harry
(Hey, Harry)
Oooo, now dear
(yeah, yeah)
You have nothing to fear
(Harry)
Now, now, now, now don't be nervous
We'll show you what to do
There we'll buy
(Buy, buy, buy, buy)
All your school supplies
(supplies, supplies)
Although
(Although, although)
We ain't got much gold
(No, gold, no gold)
I said we'll buy supplies
Buy, buy, buy, buy
Diagon Alley
(Diagon Alley)
Diagon Alley
(Diagon Alley)
Fade
To the tune of Irving Berlin's Puttin' on the Ritz
The Scene: Diagon Alley. Enter HARRY and HAGRID
HARRY & HAGRID
If you're sort of out-of-sorts,
Then transport from Nine and Three-Quarts
To Diagon
Wavin' magic wands
Come and ease in where the Malfoys and the Weasleys shop with their boys
Drac & Ron
Wavin' magic wands
HAGRID
There's no place on Earth I'd rather dally
Then in the pubs of that enchanted Alley
HARRY
Shall we sally?
BOTH
Come, let's stroll to Ollivander's
And change trolls to salamanders
In blue ponds
Wavin' magic wands
HAGRID
You can get there via floo
Take your time, enjoy the view
Gringotts and all its riches
Wondrous shops in quaint niches
Black cloaks, outdoor cafes
Japes' jokes, sure to amaze
Spending all our Galleons
As if they were from leprechauns
BOTH
If you're poutin', down-at-the-mouth,
Take that south route headin' out
To the Leaky Cauldron
Wavin' magic wands
Wavin' magic wands
Wavin' magic wands
A filk by Ginger to the tune of A Land Down Under by Men at Work
GRIPHOOK:
Spend all day with a pile of money.
In a railway cart that drives real funny.
We have a few curses, to make thieves nervous,
A ride to make you lose your breakfast.
So I say...
I work in the vaults down under.
Where getting 'round is a wonder.
Dragons roar-can you hear them thunder?
You better run-you better not plunder.
We just hired a man named Weasley.
At six-foot-four, he stood out eas'ly.
I asked "Can these carts you now steer right?"
He just smiled and hit his head on a stalactite.
And we said,
Can't go to the vaults down under.
Concuss yourself and then chunder.
There's no room 'round here for a blunder.
No, go back up, a desk job's your one, dear.
Couple books, by our dear JK.
One of odd beasts and one of game play.
We tell patrons, "You must go and buy these.
The galleons all go to good charities."
And they say..
Oh, money's stored in a vault down under. (oh, yeah, yeah)
Where getting 'round is a wonder.
Dragons roar-can you hear them thunder.
You better run, you better not plunder.
Repeat chorus ad nauseum.
A filk by Lilac to the tune of Downtown
by Petula ClarkeThis is a brochure provided by the Hogsmeade Chamber of Commerce...enchanted, of course, with this song and a moving picture that changes scenes to show what the song is describing, much like a Muggle TV commercial.
When all the muggles start to make you feel down, then you can always
come....to Hogsmeade!
By broomstick or fireplace or train or a portkey, you can always come....to
Hogsmeade!
We're proud we can proclaim that we're an only-wizard city!
Won't see any muggles, even in our "inner city".
Relax while in town!
Wear all your wizard-wear here. Imagine donning your robes without getting
looks queer when in
Hogsmeade! Won't have to muggle dress...
Hogsmeade! On the way to Loch Ness...
Hogsmeade, a wonderful village for you!
If you like shopping, then you will enjoy the great stores on High Street....in
Hogsmeade!
There's Dervish and Banges for all your wizarding gear, and Gladrags can't be
beat....in Hogsmeade!
There's Zonko's Jokes and Honeyduke's to lighten purse and moods there.
The Three Broomsticks for mulled mead, and a Post Office with owls there, ready
for you.
If you want much stronger drink, head to the Hog's Head Inn Pub! Don't miss
the Shack with the Shrieks when in...
Hogsmeade! Please see us soon here in...
Hogsmeade! Gorgeous in June when in...
Hogsmeade! It's all here waiting for you!
La la la la la, la la la la la la la la la la la.... Hogsmeade!
La la la la la, la la la la la la la la la la la.... Hogsmeade!
On weekends, Hogwart's students come in droves to our fair city.
They visit the Three Broomsticks and on Butterbeer get giddy ...but it's not
strong booze!
They can forget for a while that they should be hard at study for their
N.E.W.T.'s and their O.W.L..'s when in....
Hogsmeade! Where fairy lights are bright...
Hogsmeade! Beat the curfew tonight...
Hogsmeade! Students will be alright here!
A big THANKS to the Harry Potter Lexicon for having all this info in one place to make researching for this song so easy!
A filk by Merlin Missy to the tune of Kiss Me by Sixpence None The Richer
Hogsmeade, just down the road from Hogwarts
Meet me outside of Honeyduke's
Bring bring bring a secret note
You wear your hat and I will wear that cloak
Oh, Hogsmeade, between this world and that one,
Lead me out by the whomping tree
Lift your glowing wand
Light up the way and make the first years wish
They were all going
To Hogsmeade.
Hogsmeade, home of the biggest Owl Post,
We'll be warmed with some butterbeer,
Meet me here by the Shrieking Shack
What do you mean this was my father's map?
Oh, Hogsmeade, between this world and that one,
Lead me out by the whomping tree
Lift your glowing wand
Light up the way and make the first years wish
They were all going
To Hogsmeade.
Hogsmeade, between our world and that one,
You'll see my best friend Ron and me
And Hermione
Set on our way and make the Muggles wish
They were all going
To Hogsmeade
To Hogsmeade
A filk by Red Scharlach to the tune of Wichita Lineman by Glen Campbell
THE SCENE: The Three Broomsticks Inn. Enter MADAM ROSMERTA
MADAM ROSMERTA
I am a barmaid down in Hogsmeade
At The Three Broomsticks Inn
Selling butterbeer, mead and whisky, wine and gin
The boys all think I'm nice and curvy
And my sequinned high heels shine
I'm The Three Broomsticks barmaid
So please wait in line
I know I want to put my feet up
But my work never ends
Serving all the Hogwarts staff and students on weekends
Just a few more pints to pull now
Then I really should call time
I'm The Three Broomsticks barmaid
So please wait in line
EXIT Madam Rosmerta with a tray of empty glasses
A filk by Gail to the tune of Tin Pan Alley by Stevie Ray Vaughan
Apparated to Knockturn Alley
To see what was going on
Things was so dark down there
Couldn't stay for very long
Hey hey hey hey, Alley's the darkest place I've ever been
All the wizards down there
Livin' for that Dark Art magic scene
I heard a person scream
Yeah, and I saw in the shadow
Some wizard was cursin' somebody
Lord, with a-Crucio
Hey hey hey hey, Alley's the darkest place I've ever been
All the wizards down there
Livin' for that Dark Art magic scene
I saw a green flash of light
Yeah, you know what that was
Somebody AK-ed his friend for no reason
Just, just because
Hey hey hey hey, Alley's the darkest place I've ever been
All the wizards down there
Killin' with that Dark Art magic scene
I saw an Auror there
His wand was in his hand
He said, "This is a raid, boy
Do you understand?"
Hey hey hey hey, Alley's the darkest place I've ever been
Yeah, they took me from Knockturn Alley
And they put me right back in Azkaban
A filk by Selkie to the tune of Merano from the musical Chess by Benny Anderson, Bjorn Ulvaeus & Tim Rice
MERCHANTS, SHOPPERS, AND RESIDENTS OF KNOCKTURN ALLEY:
O dark the heart
That dwells in Knockturn Alley.
Dark magic! So dark no
Connoisseur of spells should miss.
So evil!
Highly recommended
Is this dark metropolis. (No, we're not taking the piss!)
The fates have smiled
And cursed is Knockturn Alley.
Dark magic! There are no
fouler merchants to be found.
Such evil!
Take some time to linger.
We'll give you a welcome that's quite sycophantic
For we're never sure of our ground,
Unless you're a mudblood or pure-blood blood-traitor
(And gad! Such foul persons abound).
BORGIN:
Speaking as one of these Dark Arts mutts,
I don't mind taking their sickles and knuts.
MERCHANTS, SHOPPERS, AND RESIDENTS OF KNOCKTURN ALLEY:
Oh I get high when I saunter by the shops of Knockturn Alley!
Evil Knockturn Alley--
Flourishing to a fault!
The poison drams, the shrunken heads,
Cursed items for assault...
I'd have to be in Azkaban to call a halt!
Oh I feel great when I loathe and hate! O hail to Knockturn Alley!
Shady Knockturn Alley!
Any objections? None!
Where evil is a way of life,
Where shadowed is the sun.
Get out your curses and spells and have some fun!
It's living your life in a film by Tim Burton!
Dark wizards sad
Who pass by Knockturn Alley
Come dally! So far not
One has ever passed us by.
They love us.
Why not stay forever?
Oh so many reasons why. (All those in favor say "Aye." Aye!)
So sing a song,
Let's sing for Knockturn Alley!
So pally! Dark creatures
(Werewolves, vampires, hags) agree
We're homelike.
What a happy haven!
This is the place where the Dark Arts do flourish
And goodness just hasn't a chance.
From tower to gutter our natural evil
Is leading corruption's advance!
BURKES:
So come to us and feel the curse,
As bad as you started, you'll soon become worse.
MERCHANTS, SHOPPERS, AND RESIDENTS OF KNOCKTURN ALLEY:
Oh I get high when I saunter by the shops of Knockturn Alley.
Evil Knockturn Alley--
Flourishing to a fault!
The poison drams, the shrunken heads,
Cursed items for assault...
I'd have to be in Azkaban to call a halt!
Once in a while all the fates will smile on little Knockturn Alley.
Humble Knockturn Alley
Suddenly gets good news.
The Dark Lord has returned and now
We proudly state our views:
Those who are still on the fence had better choose!
With Lord Voldy-thing on our side we cannot lose!
The Knockturn Alley denizens all have a happy little whistle
Get out your curses and spells and have some fun.
It's living your life in a film...
Lucius Malfoy Apparates onto the scene. All the former singers suddenly find they have urgent business elsewhere...
LUCIUS MALFOY:
What a scene, what a joy
What a lovely sight,
And my boss is the big sensation!
Have the blood-traitors' minds
Altered overnight?
Have they found new sophistication?
Not yet! They just want to see
If the Dark Lord kills the kid!
If it's Good-Bad
And the stakes are the world
They're all hid.
Lucius sneers
Do your worst then you set
Dark Marks on the roof.
Let them scream as they go to pieces.
Break the rules, never die--
He's the living proof,
And his influence just increases.
I know he's the best there is!
All they wish is that he'd go.
Well that's too bad, I don't think he'll oblige.
He's their foe, endless woe...
Lucius Malfoy Disapparates, the Knockturn Alley folks come drifting back (after peering around corners to make sure he's gone).
MERCHANTS, SHOPPERS, AND RESIDENTS OF KNOCKTURN ALLEY:
Oh I get high when I saunter by the shops of Knockturn Alley!
Evil Knockturn Alley--
Flourishing to a fault!
The poison drams, the shrunken heads,
Cursed items for assault...
I'd have to be in Azkaban to call a halt!
Oh I feel great when I loathe and hate, O hail to Knockturn Alley!
Shady Knockturn Alley!
Any objections? None!
Where evil is a way of life,
Where shadowed is the sun.
Get out your curses and spells and have some fun!
It's living your life in a film... by Tim Burton!
Now for the sell:
We put the fun in dysfunctional, we are the scum of the earth--
Fearsome and fell!
Check out the madness
And check out the mayhem at which we excel!
If we've done our job well
We foretell
Soon you will be
In Hell!
A filk by Gail to the tune of Downtown by Petula Clark
Down in Hogsmeade
If it's some booze that you need then
I know of a place: Hog's Head
It's a bit sleazy
But in there it is easy
To disguise your face: Hog's Head
You can remain anonymous, if that is what you're needing
It's the inn which has outside a sign that has a bleeding
Severed hog's head
The place is covered with grime
I think it hasn't been cleaned there in quite a long time, inside
Hog's Head, there's a really bad scent
Hog's Head, like a goat is present
Hog's Head, nobody decent goes there
(Hog's Head)
They do not card
So then it isn't that hard
For you to get a drink: Hog's Head
The barkeep's none other
Than Al Dumbledore's brother
Least that's what I think: Hog's Head
You'll find there Mundungus wears assorted witches' dresses
Ask him why, he'll say, "To spy," but that's not what my guess is
That's what he likes
So maybe we'll meet him, too
When we visit there next weekend, when we come from school, we'll
see
Hog's Head: if you're drinking something
Hog's Head, your own glass you should bring
Hog's Head, just a small warning for you
(Hog's Head, Hog's Head)
Hog's Head
(Hog's Head)
Someone was thrown out because he was caught outside a door
Listening to an interview Sybil had with Dumbledore
A prophecy
So next time you're in Hogsmeade
We'll drink away all our problems, first round is on me, down at
Hog's Head, where shady people go
Hog's Head, to hide in the shadow
Hog's Head, let the fire whisky flow free
Hog's Head (Hog's Head) Hog's Head (Hog's Head)
Hog's Head (Hog's Head) Hog's Head (Hog's Head)
A filk by Randy Estes to the tune of Can't Buy Me Love by The Beatles
Can't buy me wands!
Olivander left his store.
Can't buy me Wands!
No, no, no, NO!
I'll buy you a Pygmy Puff, my friend
If it makes you feel alright.
I'll take you to Honeydukes, my friend
And buy everything in sight.
But Olivander went and closed his store down,
So now I can't buy me wands!
Can't buy me wands!
Olivander left his store.
Can't buy me wands!
No, no, no, NO!
Voldemort is back in town again
And it's caused an awful fright!
Everyone's afraid of being hexed, my friend
And they don't go out at night.
So Olivander went and closed his store down
And now I can't buy me wands!
Can't buy me wands!
Olivander left his store.
Can't buy me wands!
No, no, no, NO!
I just got all of my books today
And an owl with feathers' white.
I got a brand new cauldron too
So I can make potions right.
But I hear Neville's bought the last one
And now I can't buy me wands!!
Can't buy me wands!
Olivander left his store.
Can't buy me wands!
No, no, no, NO!
Can't buy me wands!
Waaaaaaands!
Can't buy me wands!
Noooooooooo!