Magic Spells and Devices
Ignore basic wand-safety rules, and you'll end up Shot in the You-Know-What...
(Based on The Wand Song by Red Scharlach
Happiness Is A New Wand by Gail
Portkey Ride by Judy Nathanson
Juice Changes Everyone
**Who Put the Fun? by Ginger
**The Spells by ewe2
**Lagomorphmagus by Constance Vigilance
** = post-HBP
The Wand Song Copyright 2002 by Red Scharlach; Portkey Ride Copyright 2002 by Judy Nathanson; Juice Changes Everyone Copyright 2002 by Caius Marcius; Happiness Is A New Wand Copyright 2003 by Gail; The Spells Copyright 2005 by ewe2; Who Put the Fun? Copyright 2006 by Ginger; Lagomorphmagus Copyright 2006 by Constance Vigilance
The Wand Song
A filk by Red Scharlach to the tune of The.....Not the Noel Coward......Song from Monty Python's The Meaning of Life
THE SCENE: Ollivander's Shop. Enter MR. OLLIVANDER
MR. OLLIVANDER
Isn't it awfully nice to be a wizard
Isn't it frightfully good to wave a wand
It's superb to swish a baton
It's divine to shake a stick
Do the tiniest bit of magic
Or the world's biggest trick
So if you want to try transfiguration
Or if dark forces tempt you in the night
Use holly, yew or willow wood, it doesn't matter if
It's all long and thin and bendy or inflexible and stiff
Just don't snap it, bend it, break it, drop or throw it off a cliff
Cos it won't grow back
(thankyouverymuch)
Happiness Is A New Wand
A filk by Gail to the tune of Happiness Is A Warm Gun by the Beatles
He is a man who does not forget
Do do do do do do, oh yeah
He's well acquainted with each wand that he's ever sold
To each and every customer
The man with the store selling wands since three-hundred-eighty two
B.C.
Staring with his eyes all the while busy looking for your wand
"The wand chooses the wizard," he says to you looking through the
inventory
I need a wand so I'm going down
Down to the best wand shop that is around
I need a wand so I'm going down
Mister Ollivander's got the wands, Mister Ollivander's got the wands
Mister Ollivander's got the wands, Mister Ollivander's got the wands
Mister Ollivander's got the wands, Mister Ollivander's got the wands
Happiness is a new wand (swish swish, flick flick)
Happiness is a new wand (swish swish, flick flick)
(spoken) When I hold you in my hand
And I feel the magic surge through me
I know that I've found the right one
(sung) Because happiness is a new wand, mama
Happiness is a new wand, yes it is
Happiness is a new, yes it is, wand
But don't you know that happiness is a new wand, mama
Portkey Ride
A filk by Judy Nathanson to the tune of Hitchin' A Ride by Vanity Fare
An object's placed on a plot of land
A group of wizards grab it with one hand
Takin' a ride
A Portkey ride
To form small groups is what they plan
So Muggles hardly notice when they land
Takin' a ride
A Portkey ride
Ride, Ride, Ride
A Portkey ride
Triwizard champs took prize-cup key
But didn't end up where they planned to be
Takin' a ride
A Portkey ride
One lost his life, and one survived
And wizards shuddered at what he described
Takin' a ride
A Portkey ride
Ride, Ride, Ride
A Portkey ride
Juice Changes Everyone
To the tune of Love Changes Everything from Lloyd Webber's Aspects of Love
THE SCENE: Potions Class. Enter HARRY, in the form of Gregory Goyle, bearing a copy of Moste Potent Potions
HARRY:
Juice
Juice changes everyone
Ron to Crabbe, and
Me to Goyle
Juice
Juice changes everyone
Once you let the
Fluxweed boil
Juice
Can make Hermy feline
Or turn DEs
Into Aurors
Yes, Juice
Juice changes everyone:
How I tremble
At its taste.
For it has a
Flavor just like
Toxic waste
Enter SEVERUS SNAPE in the form of Madam Lestrange
SNAPE
Juice
Juice changes everyone:
How to best aid
Dumbledore?
Juice
Juice changes everyone:
Here's what I'll do
Post-Book Four
Juice
Will turn this war around,
And that war
Will finish Voldy.
Yes, Juice
Juice changes everyone:
Brings his downfall
Brings our win
With this potion
I shall be a
DE's twin
(to HARRY)
Why did you swipe my ingredients...?
HARRY (spoken)
Snape, it's all in the past...
Enter BARTY CROUCH JR. in the form of Alastor Moody
CROUCH, JR.
Off to Hogwarts School I went
Sabotaging
Tri-Wiz tasks
Juice
I used it hourly
From a handy
Hip-side flask
Juice
Take hairs from anyone
And you'll be
Like two peas in pods
Yes, Juice
Juice changes everyone.
I serve He-Who
Isn't-Named.
SNAPE & HARRY (simultaneous with below)
Juice will let us
Stop their very
Evil games......
CROUCH, JR. (simultaneous with above)
Juice will let you
Play some very
Evil games.......
The trio's Polyjuice wears off simultaneously, and all resume their original shapes. Exit severally, each regarding the other two with loathing
Who Put the Fun?
A filk by Ginger to the tune of Barry Mann's Who Put the Bomp
I'd also like to thank Steve and his excellent Harry Potter Lexicon for putting these spells (with correct spelling) at my fingertips. (I learned a lot of interesting things on that spells page, and I highly recommend it.)
A first solo for Adalbert Waffling, author of Magical Theory - as he writes the prologue for his book , he sings:
WAFFLING:
I'd like to thank the witch
And wizard, too,
Who made the spells that
Have enamoured me.
Who put the Fun
In Confun Confundus fun?
Who was the Imp behind
Imp Imperious?
Who was the Pro
Who cast Pro Pro Protego?
All of these things
Make me so curious.
How did they know
I'd like to Accio?
They put the Lumos
Into life for me.
First time that I heard
"Levi Levi
Levi Levianimus"*
Every word sent flight to my heart.
And when I heard them laughing:
"Ricta Ricta Ricta Ricta
Ricta Rictusempra",
I knew this book I had to start.
Who put the Fun
In Confun Confundus fun?
Who was the Imp behind
Imp Imperious?
Who was the Pro
Who cast Pro Pro Protego?
All of these things
Make me so curious.
How did they know
I'd like to Accio?
They put the Lumos
Into life for me.
Each time that I am cold,
Incendi Incendi Incendi
Incendi Incendi Incendio
Sets my fireplace all aglow.
And when I make a mess I
Scourgi Scourgi Scourge
Scourgi Scourgify and
It cleans so well, my wife won't know.
Who put the Fun
In Confun Confundus fun?
Who was the Imp behind
Imp Imperious?
Who was the Pro
Who cast Pro Pro Protego?
All of these things
Make me so curious.
How did they know
I'd like to Accio?
They put the Lumos
Into life for me.
Using a nifty background music spell, Adalbert causes the chorus to repeat itself, and speaks over it:
Students: Aloha, Aloha to Alohamora. And my learners: Colloportus to ignorance forever. And when I say Enner Ennervate your minds, I mean it to the Finite Finite Finite Incantatum........
Background music continues and fades.
*I made that one up: I think it means "lift your heart". Or I could be wrong.
The Spells
A filk by ewe2 to the tune of The Elements by Tom Lehrer (which is itself a filk derived from the Major-General's oft-parodied patter song from The Pirates of Penzance)
There's Apparation, Evanesco, Avis and Colloportus
And Crucio, Engorgio and Accio, Deletrius,
Densaugio, Dissendium, Ferula and Furnunculus,
Diffindo, Incarcerous, Serpensortia, Riddikulus
Legilimens, Confundus, Aparecium, Fidelius
Finite Incantatem, Rictusempra, and Impervius
Flagrate, Locomotor, Disillusion, and Immobulus
And Waddiwasi, Stupefy, Reducio and Quietus
There's Protean and Jelly-Legs and Lumos and Orchideous
And Peskipiksi Pesternomi, Petrificus Totalus,
And Bubblehead and Banishing and Bat-Bogey, and Homorphus
Impedimenta, Horton-Keitch, Mosmordre, Nox and Sonorus
And Featherweight, Extinguishing, Imperturbable, Portus
Obliviate, and Occulmens, and Scourgify, Patronus
Relashio and Prior Incantato, Levicorpus
And Sectumsempra, Avada Kedavra, Expelliarmus
There's Oppugno, Reducto, Cheering, Cushioning and Freezing
And Hair-Loss, and Silencio and Placement Shock and Gripping
Conjunctivitus, Anti-Cheating, Drought, Enlargement, Severing,
And Tantellegra, Hover, Hot-Air, Permanent-Sticking, Hurling.
These are the only spells of which the news has come to Hogwarts,
And if you hate this filk I'll fill your cupboards full of Boggarts.
Lagomorphmagus
A filk by Constance Vigilance to the tune of You're The One That I Want from Grease.
During a recent on-line discussion, we discovered that rabbits were lagomorphs rather than rodents, despite the authority of the Tim, the Holy Grail enchanter (scroll to Scene 33). I couldn't see the word "lagomorph" without thinking of "metamorph". So I wrote this silly song about a wizard who could morph into a lago. Or something. His lady isn't pleased.
HIM:
I got skills - and I ain't lyin', how I'm changin' my form
Lagomorphmagus I am - it's rabbitifyin'!
HER:
You better not hop, cause I need a man, and Peter Rabbit just won't do
You better not hop, you better understand, or you could be rabbit stew
Nothing left, nothing left for me to do
I'm a hare when I want (You're a hare when you want) ooh ooh ooh bunny
A hare when I want (You're a hare when you want) ooh ooh ooh bunny
A hare when I want (You're a hare when you want) ooh ooh ooh bunny
The one I need (the one I need), oh yes indeed (yes indeed)
Why not join me in my habit, let you ears start to grow
Life is great as a rabbit, in a forest tableau
Just lagomorph up, let me show you how. It's as good as it gets!
Lagomorph now! Let's get hopping and we'll make lots of leverets
Are you sure? Yes I'm sure now deep inside
I'm a hare when I want (I'm a hare when I want) ooh ooh ooh Honey
A hare when I want (I'm a hare when I want) ooh ooh ooh Honey
A hare when I want (I'm a hare when I want) ooh ooh ooh Honey
The one I need (the one I need), oh yes indeed (yes indeed)
Other Magical People and Places