Even ugly undead soulsuckers can be beautiful, in every single way...
(Based on Stripped by Christina Aguilera)
Image © 2005 Red Scharlach
Image © 2005 Red Scharlach
* = post-OOP
** = post-HBP
*** = post-DH
Copyright 2000-2003, 2006 by Caius Marcius, except Back, Black Copyright 2002 by Kit; Azkaban Prison Blues Copyright 2002 by Gail; Stranded Copyright 2002 by Kristi Miller; Bring on the Souls Copyright 2003 by Star Opal; The Suck Suck Song Copyright 2003 by Allemande; Walk Like a Dementor Copyright 2004 by Constance Vigilance; The Great Dementor Copyright 2004 by Ginger; Dementors Make Potter Fall Down Copyright 2005 by Jake A. Ralphing; One Copyright 2006 by Bandersnatch; Azkaban Lament Copyright 2009 by Selkie
To the tune of If You Want to Know Who We Are from Gilbert & Sullivan's The Mikado
THE SCENE: Azkaban. Enter CHORUS OF DEMENTORS
CHORUS
You don't want to know who we are
We're dementors of Azkaban
Looking like someone sprayed tar
O'er gowns of the Ku Klux Klan
Our presence may leave you drained
Our anatomy's unexplained
Popularity we've disdained. Oh!
Please stop wondering how we chat
And spy à la Secret Police
Or how our Moms and Dads begat
To make our populace increase
Are we living or just a virus?
What made Fudge want to hire us?
Does Voldemort inspire us? Yo!
You don't want to know who we are
You don't want to see Azkaban
We are nothing like NPR
We are more like Taliban
A filk by Star Opal to the tune of Bring On the Men from Jekyll and Hyde (the 1994 Concept Cast version)
Because the thought of dementors belting out cabaret songs and being all slinky was just too delicious to pass up...
DEMENTOR 1:
There was a time - not long ago
We always had our choice of souls
But this is now - no longer so
We're yearning
Azkaban guards, all on our own
Must try to have a will of stone
Try not to make our hunger known
Its burning
We try to show we have no need
We really do, we don't succeed
So let's bring on the souls
And let the good times roll
Don't even need a bowl
Why wait another minute?
Back today...
Dark Lord, its time to play!
Your happiness and sanity the goal
So let's waist no more time
Bring on the souls!
I always knew I always said
Voldy would be back, with eyes so red.
We'll suck them right out of your head
It's easy!
So many souls so little time
We want them all is that a crime?
I don't know why they trusted us
So easy
We make them scream - We make them cry
We make them sick - screaming, "No!" "Why?"
ALL DEMENTORS:
We say bring on the souls
And let the good times roll
Don't even need a bowl
Why wait another minute?
Back today...
Dark Lord, its time to play!
Your happiness and sanity the goal
So let's waist no more time
Bring on the souls!
DEMENTOR 1:
We break their will
We steal their soul
Take them apart
They never again will be whole
Oh that's the game!
And so a "Kiss" by any other name
The horror and effects the same
instrumental chorus
I like to have a soul for breakfast each day
Voldemort is back, and I like it that way
By late mid-morning I need something to munch
So I decide to "Kiss" two men for lunch
And they go mad after my afternoon teas
Quite informal, take off my hood if I please
My favorites are those crawling, weeping ones
Those souls, oh yes, taste good, fill me tons
My healthy appetite gets strongest at night
Potter as dinner, that would be a delight
But those idiots won't allow us to dine
Well now our master's back, so that's just fine!
ALL DEMENTORS:
So let's bring on the souls
And let the good times roll
Don't even need a bowl
Why wait another minute?
Back today...
Dark Lord, its time to play!
Your happiness and sanity the goal
So let's waist no more time
DEMENTOR 1:
Bring on the souls!
OTHER DEMENTORS (at same time):
Good souls, bad souls
Grown souls, small souls
I guess that means
Almost all souls
I'm a "Kisser"
Long as they are souls! Souls! Souls!
A filk by Ginger to the tune of The Great Pretender by the Platters. Words and music by Buck Ram (what a great name!)
The first solo by a dementor, though as we don't have any Canon to prove that they can actually speak :o)
Oh, Oh, yes, I'm the great dementor.
I'm guarding each Azkaban cell.
Each happy thought takes off at a trot.
They're living in dementor Hell.
Oh, Oh, yes, I'm the great dementor.
Each Ego I've seen has been blown.
Superego and Id all must go.
I've sucked them; just left skin and bone.
To steal what they feel is their worst ordeal.
Surreal when I peel souls for my three-course meal.
Yes, I'm the great dementor.
I make all the prisoners frown.
My stench, so rich, could depress a switch,
They're stuck here, and all going down.
Descending to graves underground.
To steal what they feel is their worst ordeal.
Surreal when I peel souls for my three-course meal.
Yes, I'm the great dementor.
I make all the prisoners frown.
My stench, so rich, could depress a switch,
They're stuck here, and all going down.
Descending to graves underground.
A filk by Kristi Miller to the tune of Stranded by Heart
THE SCENE: SIRIUS in his new cell in Azkaban. BARTY CROUCH SR. outside about to leave. SIRIUS rushes to the door.
SIRIUS (singing):
Stranded here helpless
I should have been
The Potters' Secret Keeper
I should have put
More trust in myself
As far as I can see
This isn't the way
Peter said it would be
Don't leave me like this
Don't leave me stranded
Don't leave now
You sent me here
To the place where dark wizards go
Just look at the facts
I've laid out for you
Say that you'll give me a trail
I just need a chance
To tell them the truth
Don't leave me like this
Don't leave me stranded
Please don't walk away now
Don't leave me like this
Don't leave me stranded
Say that you'll give me a trail
I just need a chance
To tell them the truth
Don't leave me like this
Don't leave me stranded
Please don't walk away
CROUCH (speaking):
That's enough, Black.
CROUCH walks back down the corridor. SIRIUS looks out to see him leaving the island.
SIRIUS (singing quietly):
Don't leave me like this
Stranded
SIRIUS suddenly shivers feeling a Dementor's presence.
SIRIUS:
Don't... leave... me like... this
A filk by Gail to the tune of Folsom Prison Blues by Johnny Cash
SIRIUS (with guitar):
I feel dementors comin'...gliding 'round the bend
I haven't felt happy since I don't know when
I'm stuck in Azkaban Prison, an' time keeps draggin' by
Got the joy sucked right outta me, I hang my head and cry
This prison ain't got no locks, no bars you will find
With dementors here, they feed you fear, you're trapped within your mind
But I'm innocent I tell ya, they can't take that away from me
That thought has kept me sane...that thought will set me free
Wormtail he done framed me...said I killed James and Lil
If I ever get outta here, he's the one I'm gonna kill
An' this Fudge he just gave me the paper that he brought
An' I see that rats a-picture...he's at Hogwarts
This plan's become an obsession...anger's turned into rage
Turn into a big black dog and slip right through this cage
I'm a-swimmin' far from Azkaban, I can just now see the shore
Now I'm bound for Hogwarts school...I'm gonna settle the score
To the tune of the Beach Boys' Barbara Ann
THE SCENE: Azkaban Prison. Enter SIRIUS BLACK and a CHORUS OF DEMENTORS
BLACK & CHORUS: A Ban ban ban ban Azkaban
Ban ban ban ban Azkaban
CHORUS: (Ban ban ban ban Azkaban)
BLACK: In Azkaban I've this plan
CHORUS: (Ban ban ban ban Azkaban)
Azkaban
(Ban ban ban ban Azkaban)
BLACK: I'll commence canine reshapin'
Then I'll be escapin' Azkaban
BLACK & CHORUS: Ban ban ban ban Azkaban
BLACK: When in a rut I change to a mutt
The dementors think it means I'm goin' nuts
Azkaban
CHORUS: Ban ban ban ban Azkaban
BLACK: From Azkaban I'll have ran
CHORUS: (Ban ban ban ban Azkaban)
Azkaban
(Ban ban ban ban Azkaban)
BLACK: Rat pictures in the paper
Launched this latest caper
Azkaban
CHORUS: Ban ban ban ban Azkaban
CHORUS: Say Ban ban ban ban Azkaban
Ban ban ban ban Azkaban
BLACK: Oh Azkaban leave its land
CHORUS: (Ban ban ban ban Azkaban)
Azkaban
(Ban ban ban ban Azkaban)
BLACK: I'll be fleein' and a-hidin'
'Cross the wide Poseidon
Azkaban
BLACK & CHORUS: Ban ban ban ban Azkaban
CHORUS: Dementor clan
Will stop him if we can
Even put his mug on the Muggles' C-Span
Ban ban ban ban Azkaban
BLACK: Leave Azkaban 'twill be grand
CHORUS: (Ban ban ban ban Azkaban)
Azkaban
(Ban ban ban ban Azkaban)
BLACK: It's gonna really turn out gruesome
For Pete Pettigrew, son, Azkaban
BLACK & CHORUS: Ban ban ban ban Azkaban
CHORUS: Ban ban ban ban Azkaban
Ban ban ban ban Azkaban
Ban ban ban ban Azkaban
BLACK: I'll Azkaban countermand
CHORUS: (Ban ban ban ban Azkaban)
Azkaban
(Ban ban ban ban Azkaban)
BLACK: Across the sea I'll be leapfroggin'
When I start a-doggin'
Azkaban
BLACK & CHORUS: Ban ban ban ban Azkaban
Azkaban
Azkaban
BLACK transforms into a dog, and exits toward the sea
To the tune of Elvis Presley's Return to Sender
Enter CORNELIUS FUDGE, onto a darkened stage
FUDGE
There is an outlaw I'm pursuin'
Goes by the name of Black
So let me tell ya what I'm doin'
In order to bring him back
I'm now about to……
Lights up, revealing THREE DEMENTORS
FUDGE & THREE DEMENTORS (3D)
Send out Dementors!
Search and destroy!
Send in sorrow!
Suck out joy!
3D: Our heads are hooded!
We've rotting hands!
ALL: They're\We're just the guys we\you need to take Black back to Azkaban
Exit FUDGE & DEMENTORS - Enter HARRY & SIRIUS
HARRY
Please don't think that I'm complaintin'
But while ridin' on some tracks
This thing glides past me and I'm faintin'
While it looks for Sirius Black
We wanna tell 'em….
HP & SB: Don't send Dementors!
They're far too grim!
HP: Black didn't do it
They're after him!
HARRY
This time I'll go to Lupin and learn me a little spell
And if a Dementor starts slidin' toward me, this is what I'll yell:
HARRY & SIRIUS
Come forth, Patronus!
Will you dismiss
Each Dementor
And its kiss
A filk by Kit to the tune of Do it Again by Steely Dan
THE SCENE: Dementors are set to bring Sirius back to Azkaban after his escape
DEMENTORS:
From your jail cell you go runnin'
And you made our jobs much harder
Suckin' souls was so much fun then
We were fools cause you were smarter
Barely to our jobs we're clingin'
Ever since you had us beat
But you know your ass we're bringin'
To that pestilential suite
You goin' back, Black, to Azkaban
Just wait you will be found
You goin' back, Black, to Azkaban
Though you feel like some big-timer
You should know you're toast my friend
For no justice is sublimer
Than one Kiss that brings the end
If you feel like reconcilin'
You can meet us here tomorrow
Stop on by to stay a while 'n'
We'll delay eminent sorrow
You goin' back, Black, to Azkaban
To a life of hell you're bound
You goin' back, Black, to Azkaban
How you'll cry and whine and beg us
Once we've got you in our hands
But don't even try to egg us
That you're an innocent man
Yes, we find it rather funny
That you think that you'll be able
To evade us with mere cunning
But then, we knew you were unstable
You goin' back, Black, to Azkaban
Just wait you will be found
You goin' back, Black, to Azkaban
To the tune of As Time Goes By from the 1942 classic Casablanca as sung by "Sam" Dooley Wilson
The Scene: A chamber inside Hogwarts', late at night. A team of DEMENTORS are awaiting the delivery of the fugitive Sirius Black, to whom they will administer the dreaded Dementor's Kiss
CHORUS OF DEMENTORS
You've come to this abyss
Our kiss does not bring bliss
To dust your soul must fly
That fun dementor thing apply
Black, say "Bye-Bye."
When we throw back our hood
You know it won't be good
You're sorta gonna die
We don't especially care why
It's eye for eye
Enter CORNELIUS FUDGE, breathless and panting heavily
FUDGE
That Sirius Black's
Back on the loose
Took him a hippogriff
And went vamoose
Dementors from Hogwarts
Are at once excused -
Any involvement I'll deny……
Exit FUDGE - the DEMENTORS make their preparations for departure
DEMENTORS
That darn Cornelius Fudge!
Report him to Matt Drudge
Make sure that he cries "Ouch!"
Oh, well, it does no good to grouch
Let's go get Crouch!
Exit DEMENTORS
To the tune of Barnacle Bill the Sailor
THE SCENE: Before Azkaban Prison. Enter HAGRID, held in custody on suspicions of his involvement with the alleged Chamber of Secrets. He is accompanied by a CHORUS OF DEMENTORS, led by our soloist, DEMENTOR DAN
HAGRID
Who's that gliding 'cross the floor?
Who's that gliding 'cross the floor?
Who's that gliding 'cross the floor?
CHORUS
Asks the detained Hagrid
DEMENTOR DAN & (CHORUS)
Howdy pard, I'm to be your guard
(I'm/he's Dementor Dan your jailer)
My robes are black and in length four yards
(We provide lots of work for tailors)
I'll see to it your thoughts stay blue
Terror will become déjà vu
Your little dog, I'll get him too,
(Says Dementor Dan your jailer)
HAGRID
Will I ever be released?
Will I ever be released?
Will I ever be released?
CHORUS
Asks the detained Hagrid
DEMENTOR DAN & (CHORUS)
The likes of me will not set you free
(I'm/he's Dementor Dan your jailer)
I'd rather throw away the key
(We love it as you grow staler)
We don't like it when folks walk off
Like that ol' scumbag Karkaroff
Return him to our feeding trough!
(Says Dementor Dan your jailer)
HAGRID
Can you show me mercy, sir?
Can you show me mercy, sir?
Can you show me mercy, sir?
CHORUS
Asks the detained Hagrid
DEMENTOR DAN & (CHORUS)
You use a word that I've never heard
(Says Dementor Dan your jailer)
Dementors repenters preferred
(Start dwelling now on your failures)
Depression time has just begun
296 on Axis 1
You'll be one sad son-of-a-gun
(Says Dementor Dan your jailer)
HAGRID
I am guilty of no crime
I am guilty of no crime
I am guilty of no crime
CHORUS
Says the detained Hagrid
DEMENTOR DAN & (CHORUS)
You're not to blame, but it's all the same
(To Dementor Dan your jailer)
We torture Black though he was framed
(We won't let him call his bailer)
To those of us known as Dements
We don't care if you're innocent
It makes you more fun to torment
(Says Dementor Dan your jailer)
HAGRID
What will happen now to me?
What will happen now to me?
What will happen now to me?
CHORUS
Asks the detained Hagrid
DEMENTOR DAN & (CHORUS)
"Abandon all hope who enter here"
(Says Dementor Dan your jailer)
You now gotta cope with Dementors here
(Already you're looking paler)
I'm closing down the open bar
We're gonna watch the VCR
Play tapes of My Mother the Car
(Says Dementor Dan your jailer)
Exit all, toward Azkaban
To the tune of Ray Stevens' Guitarzan
THE SCENE: Azkaban's Concert Hall. Just as the late Johnny Cash used to perform at Folsom Prison, so too would magic vocalist STUBBY BOARDMAN interrupt his retirement to sing at occasional benefit concerts at Azkaban Prison. This particular concert took place during Harry's second year, while HAGRID was briefly incarcerated.
NOTE: Dementors find BOARDMAN'S music to be totally "retro", and so avoided his performance, thus missing out on all the valuable information contained in his song.
STUBBY BOARDMAN:
He's serving lifetime
For doing a crime
His cell is a kennel when he's a canine
Animagic design
Even though he's confined, he'll decline to whine.
They say he's Voldy's heir - "Yeah, right," hear him swear.
He's a hound who'll prepare to depart with a flair,
Simply vanish in air.
"Kinfolk said, 'Black, move away from there!'"
He found a Prophet crossword to pursue
Then chanced to view an old pal, Pettigrew
And knew the double-crossin' rat debuted with the crew of that You-Know-Who
Who all got Black subdued & framed for murder, too!
Get him, get him, get him, get him! Owww!
Azkaban, he's in Azkaban
A place he can't stand
But he's a plan, Azkaban
PADFOOT (howling):
Ow-woo-wow-oo-wow! Ow-woo-wow-oo-wow! , etc.
STUBBY:
They got a girl named Bell
She's mean as hell
With a Crucio spell
And thinks Voldy's pretty swell
She would love to rebel
But she's stuck in her cell
When she casts her curse
She really does her worst
So the fellers tell
Come on, cast one, Bell!
BELLATRIX:
Voldy, Voldy, oh Voldy, ska-vaa-vooo-voldey-vay,
Voldy, wow Voldy, etc.
STUBBY:
How about that, let's hear it for Bell!
At STUBBY'S cue, HAGRID steps forward - he is looking highly disoriented, and, under the stress of Azkaban's dementors, has reverted to Grawp-like mannerisms…..
They've got a groundkeeper who likes
Creepy creatures, he's a kind o' weeper
As he's getting in deeper
Come on, your turn, guy!
Sing one, 'keeper!
HAGRID (Grawp-like):
Ooh-ha-ooh-ha-ooh-ha-ooh-ha-ooh-ha, etc.
STUBBY:
Let's hear it for the 'keeper!
Ev'ry day it's torment they get from dementors
Bell gets bent and the 'keeper laments
The dog's not content
He will never relent
Till he's found the scent
Of that Pete rodent, let's hear him vent!
Let's hear 'em right now!
PADFOOT, BELLATRIX & HAGRID all sing simultaneously
PADFOOT (howling):
Ow-woo-wow-oo-wow! Ow-woo-wow-oo-wow! , etc.
BELLATRIX:
Voldy, Voldy, oh Voldy, ska-vaa-vooo-voldey
Voldy, oh Voldy, etc.
HAGRID (Grawp-like):
Ooh-ha-ooh-ha-ooh-ha-ooh-ha-ooh-ha, etc.
BELLATRIX (spoken):
Shut up, you damn mutt, I'm trying to curse!
STUBBY:
Get him, get him, get him, get him! Owww!
Azkaban, it'll mangle, man!
A place he can't stand
But he's a plan, Azkaban!........
A filk by Jake A Ralphing (Luke Brattoni) to the tune of Santa Claus Is Coming To Town
We're starting to slow, the train makes a stop.
The lighting dims low, the window frosts up.
Dementors make Potter fall down.
Whilst up in the air, to search for the Snitch,
Some others appear. Oh, son of a witch!
Dementors make Potter fall down.
He hears his mother screaming.
Even Boggarts make him shake.
They can't tell between what's good and bad,
So attack him by the lake.
But Harry has got, some strength in his lungs.
Patronus gets shot and lowers his prongs.
Dementors get hammered around!
To the tune of the Beach Boys' Kokomo
The Scene: An office at the Ministry of Magic. Enter BARTY CROUCH, SR and a CHORUS OF MINISTRY WITCHES
CROUCH
If you're convicted of crime
Or cast a spell unforgive-a-bell
Our Aurors may deliver you to us for a spell
Come to our isle
It's so exotic and remote
You'll be mingling on a cellblock with Dark Wizards of note
Here in Azkaban
CHORUS
If you helped the Dark Lord we'd love to get you on board
If you served You-Know-Who we want to get to know you
If you are someone blamed with He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named..........
CROUCH & CHORUS
....Oooh then you're the Man, we'll be recruiting you to join that clan
Serving a lengthy span of time in Azkaban
CHORUS
And by decree
We'll throw away the key!
CROUCH
We've put a lot of pizzaz in our magic Alcatraz
All enveloped in gloom, it simply radiates doom
We have taken your wand, so please relax and just despond
Shrivel up just a tad, and find a place to go quietly mad
Here in Azkaban
CHORUS
Come meet our Dementors all highly trained tormentors
As you see them gliding glad thoughts they're overriding
Resistance is futile because they are so brutal
CROUCH & CHORUS
We now have a plan, and we hope that you will understand
How it all hits the fan right here in Azkaban
CHORUS
When arriving, just smile, we gave you a fair trial
We don't want you trash back, so have yourself a flashback
Revisit the highlights of your most hideous frights
CROUCH & CHORUS
...Oooh then as you can see, we're possessed of such security
So that one's whole family could safe in Azkaban be
A filk by Allemande to the tune of The Shoop Shoop Song (It's In His Kiss) by Betty Everett
Does he love me? I wanna know
How can I tell if he loves me so?
Is it in his eyes?
- Oh no, he's like a mole!
Is it in his mouth?
- Oh no, there's just a hole!
If you wanna know if he loves you so,
It's in his Kiss!
(That's where it is!)
Or is it in his face?
- No, he decays with time!
In his warm embrace?
- Oh no, beware the slime!
If you wanna know if he loves you so,
It's in his Kiss!
(That's where it is!)
Oh-oh-oh, hug him and squeeze him tight
Feel the cold inside of you-ou-ou
Find your soul where it really is:
It's there in his Kiss!
About the way he acts?
- Oh no, there's nothing there!
It's all 'bout gliding and sucking air!
If you wanna know if he loves you so,
It's in his Kiss!
(That's where it is!)
A filk by Constance Vigilance to the tune of Walk Like an Egyptian
If it doesn't scan quite right, don't blame me, neither does the original.
SCENE: The Courtroom of the Wizengamot - all floating and gliding around the bench, including Umbridge, Percy, Harry, Dumbledore, Mrs Figg, and outside, Arthur and Lucius
All those who guard Azkaban
Who on the dark cold North Sea reside
Don't jump or run (oh whey oh)
They silently along just seem to glide.
With rattling breath the undead rise
Suck happiness from ev'ry room.
A cruel twist- (oh whey oh)
A loving kiss now means lasting doom.
Quick trial and
You're on the island
Ay oh whey oh, ay oh whey oh
Walk like A Dementor
Short music break 4 bars:
SCENE: short views around Diagon Alley and other parts of the wizard
world with witches and wizards going about their work moving in a
gliding and floating manner
Ministry is in denial
A magical top bureaucrat
Fudge thinks he knows (oh whey oh)
No brains inside lime green bowler hat
Voldemort just sends out a call
One touch upon dark secret mark
When DE's come (oh whey oh)
Walk like Dementors in the dark
All the DE's still inside go
Ay oh whey oh, ay oh whey oh
Walk like A Dementor
Long music break 12 bars:
SCENE: Azkaban - incarcerated witches and wizards moving about their
cells in a gliding, floating manner
SCENE: The Ministry of Magic - Bureaucrats floating and gliding in
the elevators, in their offices, up and down the corridors
Lift up your hands, drop your hood
With rotting skin and that putrid breath
Suck out the joy (oh whey oh)
And leave a fate so much worse than death
Umbrage to impress her mentor
Sent evil things out to represent
Patronus stag (oh whey oh)
It charged like a Dementor
That batty Arabella Figg
She went outside to feed the cat
Though squib she be (oh whey oh)
Dementors can see in spite of that
Gave testimony, did Missus Figg
Dementors running, so very big!
They ran in? What did you say?
I think I meant gliding, yes I did!
All the Wizengamot saying
Ay oh whey oh, ay oh whey oh
Walk like a Dementor
To the tune of the same name from Mel Brooks' The Producers
THE SCENE: The Ministry of Magic. MOM receives a singing telegram from the dementors of Azkaban, submitting their two-weeks notice.
CHORUS OF DEMENTORS
It's been real and that whole bit
Sad to tell you, we up and quit
Grab our robes `n' glide for the door!
'Case you didn't notice, we now serve Voldemort!
We don't want to threaten anyone harm,
But you'd better learn that Patronus Charm!
He-Who-Ain't-Named says tell ya this:
Adios, au revoir, wiedersehen, ta-ta-ta
Goodbye...goodnight... kiss-kiss!!
A filk by Bandersnatch to the tune of One (Reprise) / Finale from A Chorus Line (music by Marvin Hamlisch, lyrics by Edward Kleban).
GROUP A:
One
Singular dementor,
Every little breath it takes.
One
Chilling, evil specter.
You can't kill it with stakes!
One kiss
And suddenly nothing
Inside of you.
You know
It's joining an army
With You-Know-Who!
One
Moment in its presence,
And you will forget the rest.
As a fiend, it's second-best
To none.
Run!
Boo! Hiss!
Feel its clammy touch, man.
Ooh! This
Creepy thing is such an
Evil one!
GROUP B:
It glides into a room
And you know it will
Drain away joy, sap all your faith.
It's an unbearable, terrible wraith.
It glides into a room
And you know you will
Gibber and squawk, quiver and drool.
It's a scary ghoul.
Doling
Out the misery written by
Jo Rowling.
Load you with abysmal, dismal
Thoughts of internal inferno eternally.
It glides into a room
And you know you must
Think happy thoughts from out of your past,
Chow down some choc'late and run away fast.
Feel your psyche unrav'ling.
Oh, suck your soul!
The bell will toll
For you.
Poor you!
Make you scream, make you shout,
You'll go out of your mind.
[in counterpoint]
GROUP A: ..................................... GROUP B:
One..................................................It glides into a room
Singular dementor, .......................... And you know it will
Every little breath it takes. ................ Drain away joy, sap all your faith.
....................................................... It's an unbearable, terrible wraith.
One ................................................ It glides into a room
Chilling, evil specter. ........................ And you know you will
You can't kill it with stakes! .............. Gibber and squawk, quiver and
drool
........................................................ It's a scary ghoul.
One kiss and suddenly nothing ......... Doling
Inside of you. ................................... Out the misery written by
You know it's joining an army ............ Jo Rowling.
With You-Know-Who! ....................... Load you with abysmal, dismal
....................................................... Thoughts of internal inferno eternally.
One ................................................ It glides into a room
Moment in its presence, ................... And you know you must
And you will forget the rest. ............... Think happy thoughts from out of your past,
....................................................... Chow down some choc'late and run away fast.
As a fiend, it's second-best ............... Feel your psyche unrav'ling.
To none. .......................................... Oh, suck your soul!
Run! ................................................ The bell will toll
Oh! My! Your fear it can detect, so ..... For you.
Go! Fly! And brush up your Expecto ... Poor you!
Patronum! ........................................ Make you scream, make you
shout,
................................................ You'll go out of your mind.
To the tune of Maria from West Side Story by Bernstein/Sondheim
"I thought dementors guard the prisoners in Azkaban," [the Prime Minister] said cautiously.
"They did," said Fudge wearily. "But not anymore. They've deserted the prison and joined He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named…."
"But," said the Prime Minister, with a sense of dawning horror, "didn't you tell me they're the creatures that drain hope and happiness out of people?"
"That's right. And they're breeding. That's what's causing all this mist."
- HBP, Chap. 1
So why are dementors breeding now, when they were presumably unable to before? It may have to do with magic or Dark Arts - but perhaps there is a more mundane explanation. Viagra was approved by the FDA in March 1998, but experimental prototypes were doubtlessly gliding around the market for a couple years prior (HBP begins in the summer of 1996…..)
A SOLO DEMENTOR:
Viagra . .
The most bountiful plan I ever had:
Viagra, Viagra, Viagra, Viagra...
All our celibate vows are unmade so I can get laid…..
Viagra, Viagra, Viagra, Viagra...
Viagra!
I just took a dose of Viagra
And suddenly a surge
Of reproductive urge
I feel.
Viagra!
I've just been prescribed some Viagra
The Dark Lord has decreed
Dementors now shall breed
With zeal!
Viagra!
Let us now do that take-cloak-off-thing
And in due time we'll have us some offspring
Viagra!
I'll never stop taking Viagra!
The DEMENTOR glides around the room in ethereal ecstasy
Viagra! Viagra! Viagra! Viagra!, etc.
Stopping us, I would say there's no chance
Thanks to revival of 'mentor romance
Viagra!
I'll never stop taking Viagra!
The most bountiful plan I ever had…….
fade to silence.....
Alternate Couplet for Gilbert and Sullivan Fans:
SOLO DEMENTOR:
Mi amour, I no more will reject her
As Sir Gilbert said, "Be firm, my pecker."
A filk by Selkie to the tune of Embassy Lament from the musical Chess by Benny Anderson, Bjorn Ulvaeus & Tim Rice
CHORUS OF DEMENTORS:
Oh my dear how boring, he's protesting.
Just like all the others, he's suggesting
We should care he's innocent or guilty
But he hasn't understood yet
That his punishment's our livelihood, and
We've a wizard jail to run here.
If these people cannot keep their freedom
While they're causing mayhem, we don't need 'em
If we seem unkind, a little bent, or
Vicious, all your hope and gladness
Is deliciousness to a Dementor!
Who do these wizard chappies think they are?
And when he's safely in his cell,
Us posted right outside his door,
Slowly going barking mad and crawling on the floor.
We'll be wishing he was Dumbledore.
Have you an appointment with the warden?
Even if you do there'll be no pardon.
Since he will not see you, with respect it
Buggers up his very taxing schedule--
Tea and Daily Prophet crossword--
Better if you don't disturb him.
One prisoner alone escaped our guarding.
Emulating him won't be rewarding.
His cell still stands empty, as do lots more,
And we are so very bored, we wonder
What they pass those wizard laws for!
Who do these wizard chappies think they are?
And when you're safely in your cell
Here are the things that you will miss:
All happiness, all joy, all hope,
And certainly all bliss.
Don't forget we're waiting
To give you a... kiss.