Beasts (Fantastic and Otherwise)
Piet Mondrian's Composition: Hedwig
Based on various works by Mondrian
Image © 2004 by Red Scharlach
Piet Mondrian's Composition: Hedwig
Based on various works by Mondrian
Image © 2004 by Red Scharlach
* = post-OOP
** = post-HBP
*** = post-DH
Copyright 2001-2006 by Caius Marcius except Hedwig Love Copyright 2001 by Indigo; It's Not Easy Being Green Copyright 2002 by Incitata; Hedwig Copyright 2002 by Ellen Anglin; Who Let the Skrewts Out? Copyright 2002 by Annie Llewellyn; Everybody's Got a Lethifold Copyright 2003 by Eileen; Norbert, The Magic Dragon Copyright 2004 by Richard; Whatever Became of Norbert? Copyright 2004 by Pippin; Everybody Hates This Furry Cat Copyright 2004 by The Final Stillness of Saturn; What Do You Do With a Muggle Werewolf? Copyright 2005 by Ginger; You'll Never Find An Owl Like Me by Nimbus1944; Firenze's Divination Lesson Copyright 2005 by Anon E. Mouse; Fluffy / Fluff's Travels Copyright 2008 by Bandersnatch
Fantastic Beasts
To the theme from Tiny Toons
THE SCENE: An unplottable location. Enter a CHORUS of FANTASTIC BEASTS - at least one specimen of all the critters described in Newt Scamander's classic text. NOTE: Though Scamander lists many harmless and mild-tempered beasts in his works, it is the more ferocious species who are most heavily represented on the Lyrics Committee
CHORUS
The Min'stry of Magic, here's a statement it released:
We're Re' ems (they're large ox), we're Lobalugs and Porlocks
We offer sans apology Magizoology
TWO TO FOUR-X BEASTS (simultaneous with below)
FIVE-X BEASTS (simultaneous with above)
To the tune of Strawberry Fields Forever by the Order of the Coleoptera (aka Beatles)
THE SCENE: The Forbidden Forest. ENTER RON & HARRY (in a state of intense anxiety), accompanied by a relaxed and cheerful HAGRID
HARRY & RON
HAGRID
ENTER the FORD ANGLIA, its motor purring affectionately
Cars will grow feral if they can get the wherewithal, then they will motor through the trees
HAGRID & FORD ANGLIA
Enter ARAGOG, and his offspring to the Power Ten
ARAGOG
CHILDREN OF ARAGOG
Enter CHORUS OF CENTUARS
CHORUS OF CENTAURS
We won't horse around in the next eon, Forbidden Forest
Enter FLUFFY, CHORUS OF WEREWOLVES & CHORUS OF TROLLS
FLUFFY & DOUBLE CHORUS (to HARRY & RON)
A filk by Incitata to the tune of It's Not Easy Being Green
We're deadly, we're drastic, we're not yet sold in plastic
And we're so fantastic, a magic menagerie!
We'll give you hardcore wrecks, if we have five or four "X"
We'll tell you where to find us, though you may find you're sorry!
"Some we're seeing we'll call beings, others we'll call beasts"
Our powers are super! We sing songs sung by Fwoopers!
Time for the Erumpents, sirs! - terrors are increased!
The Quintapeds all quarrel, Chizpurfles have such fangs
We're Griffins and Graphorns, and Dragons we call Longhorns,
Red Caps catch Kappas and Jarveys all harangue!
Scamander's our commander now since 1923
We gave him a few hex, he gave us five to two "X"
We're FANTASTIC BEASTS like Centaurs, Crups & Bundimuns!
Let's ev'ry Muggles shun!
And now let's eat someone!
Forbidden Forest Forever
Filch has sent us down, and we're going to Forbidden Forest
He must abhor us, he's hoping we'll get hung no doubt
Forbidden Forest Forever
Walking ain't easy with eyes closed, missing so much that's grand to see
Please do not meltdown while we're going through Forbidden Forest
It shall not bore us, and all our friends are coming out
Forbidden Forest Forever
No one I think is in my web, I mean my kids have got to eat.
That is you can you know drop in but it's all right, that is I think your friends are sweet
If we take you down, we will drag you through Forbidden Forest
Huge trees and horrors, and spider webs all hung about
Forbidden Forest Forever
Always, no sometimes, cry "Alas", but so it has been through ages gone
We think we know some things they're deep but could be wrong, that is we just don't much let on.
Look how bright Mars is! The Zodiac has quite a clout
Forbidden Forest Forever
You two come have down to our part of town, Forbidden Forest
Tyrannosaurus compared to us are Brussels Sprouts!
Forbidden Forest Forever!
It's Not Easy Being Green
NAGINI
It's not easy being green
A limbless body long and scaly the colour of the trees
I think it would be nice to swim, or walk, or crawl, or soar
Instead I hiss and slither, or coil up on the floor.
Its not easy being green
With slitted yellow eyes that kill when they are seen
And people tend to see me, then they run away and scream
Then when I flash my fangs at them they cringe and turn and hide.
But green's the colour of envy
And green can be cold and menacing like
And green can be forbidding like a forest, or deadly like venom
Or strong and enduring like emeralds
So being green is not so bad
It's sometimes even fun, I think. I always wonder why
But every now and then a Parselmouth drops in and it doesn't seem so bad
And I think green is what I want to be.
A filk by Ellen Anglin based on Blackbird by The Beatles
White bird sitting in Eyelops Owl Shoppe,
For the Boy who Lived, You'll be just right,
Loyal friend,
You were only waiting for this wizard to arrive.
White Owl flying in the dead of night,
Take this message, bear it faithfully.
On silent wings,
bear your burden safely `cross the land and distant seas,
Hedwig fly, Hedwig fly,
Into the light of the pale moon bright.
Hedwig fly, Hedwig fly,
Into the light of the pale moon bright.
You were only waiting for this wizard to arrive
You were only waiting for your Harry to arrive
A filk by Nimbus 1944 to the tune of What a Duke Should Be by Ivor Novello and Clifford Grey
HEDWIG:
One fateful day, my owl-shop stay
Was ended by a guy
Who turned me, proud and pleasant,
Into a birthday present!
A puny youth (to tell the truth)
Wouldst be my friend, or try;
I liked his style, I've stayed a while,
Now I'll serve til I die.
And he can send me to the earthly ends,
Searching high and low for all his friends.
I'm speedy, indeedy;
I'll get his owl post through!
He can give his hottest post to me;
I will see to its delivery.
By gad, you can search the owlery
But you'll never find an owl like me!
That handsome youth oft bends the truth,
But truly he will tell
How I'll be always loyal
Til off this mortal coil!
I'll fly and land, and peck a hand
Til posts are answered well;
The Chosen One has just begun
To do what some foretell.
He'll take the battle to the enemy,
And he always can depend on me.
I'm ready, I'm steady,
I'll get the owl post through!
He can give his hottest post to me;
I will see to its delivery.
By gad, you can search the owlery
But you'll never find --
You'll never find --
You'll never find an owl like me!
A filk by Indigo to the tune of Muskrat Love by The Captain and Tenille
ERROL (in a wheezy, soft voice)
Hedwig, Hedwig, candlelight
Brings out your eyes in the dark of the night
You're simply lovely
Just turtle-dovely
Young Pigwidgeon and that Eagle Owl
Are just a pair of fledglings on the prowl
I can't blame them.
Your love might tame them.
CHORUS
I remember your coo and your kind heart
When I nearly fell apart
Your wings are like the heavens above
Oh, my Hedwig Love....
I'll bring you rats and plump little mice.
If you'll only say that you'll be so nice
Love is brewing...
Want your billin' and cooin'.
Let me tickle your fancy
Preen your feathers so white
Wrap you in my wings
All through the night
and all weather.
We'll hunt together.
CHORUS
A filk by The Stillness of Saturn to the tune of Everybody Wants to be a Cat from Disney's The Aristocats
CROOKSHANKS:
Everybody hates this furry cat,
But then I am the only cat
Who's Kneazle at that,
And nobody's pickin' up on that little fact,
'cause everyone else thinks I'm just daft.
Now the day I was born,
I was not yet so forlorn,
Like now ev'ryday,
'cause since I have grown older
I get the cold shoulder
And sent on my way.
I've met some common cats who played in ink,
But then I am the only cat
Who knows how to think.
Who wants to own
A two toned roan
Or one like that?
But everybody hates this furry cat,
The day I was born,
I was not so forlorn,
Like now ev'ryday,
'cause since I have grown older
I get only the cold shoulder
And sent down the way.
Everybody hates this furry cat,
But then I am the only cat
Who's Kneazle at that.
While livin' here I always get a Welcome pat,
'cause 'Mione likes this Kneazle cat.
'Mione likes this Kneazle cat.
To the tune of The Twelve Days of Christmas
THE SCENE: The Headmaster's office. Enter ALBUS DUMBLEDORE
DUMBLEDORE
Here's the twelve magic uses of blood from dragon veins:
Cure hoarseness in centaurs
Give hickeys to dementors
Grow hair on bald 'uns
Clean dirty cauldrons
Anti-Nundu potions
Calm troll emotions
Boost Put-Outer output
Brew lemon drops
Mend worn-out socks
Freeze bumblebees
Talk with merfolk
And there's one more I won't now explain
Exit, eyes gleaming triumphantly
A filk by Bandersnatch to the tune of Fluffhead / Fluff's Travels by Phish
Fluffy was a dog
With a head that came in threes
Hagrid took him home
And he helped him with his fleas
Fluffy... Fluffy...
Third-floor corridor
Trio came to hide
He guarded the trapdoor
And his mouths were open wide
Fluffy... Fluffy...
Hagrid met a stranger
In a dark saloon
And Hagrid said, he'll fall asleep
If you play him a bit of a tune
Oh yeah!
Fluffy... Fluffy...
Insert ten-minute musical jam session as Fluffy, tearfully released
from his Stone-guarding duties by Hagrid, roams the Forbidden Forest.
At one point, via Legillimancy, we are treated to some of Fluffy's
thoughts and experiences during his travels:
Centaur, thestral, werewolf, jarvey, unicorn and acromantula
Mooncalf, fairy, Horntail, doxy, clabbert and a Blue Ford Anglia
Bark bark bark-bark bark bark bark howl!
Centaur, thestral, werewolf, jarvey, unicorn and acromantula
Beech tree, pine tree, oak tree, yew tree, sycamore tree, hippogriffs and trolls
Skrewt, glumbumble, Grawp, bowtruckle, Golden Snidget, mokes and jobberknolls
Dig dig dig-dig dig dig dig bone!
Beech tree, pine tree, oak tree, yew tree, sycamore tree, hippogriffs and trolls
But after many years, Fluffy tires of his long wanderings. From
somewhere within his three brains, he recalls a lullaby Hagrid used to
sing him when he was just a puppy:
La la la la la, Hagrid's little bundle of joy.
La la la la la, Hagrid's little bundle of joy.
etc.
And so the three-headed canine turns his steps back towards Hagrid's
hut, finally arriving there to triumphant musical cries of:
Fluffy!
Fluffy!
etc.
A filk by Richard to the tune of Puff, the Magic Dragon by Peter, Paul, and Mary.
Norbert, the Magic Dragon
Lived at Hogwarts.
And frolicked in the castle's mist
In a cabin of some sort.
Little Rubus Hagrid,
Loved that rascal's puff.
And brought him food and biting toys,
And other fancy stuff.
Oh-
Norbert, the Magic Dragon
Lived at Hogwarts.
And frolicked in the castle's mist,
In a cabin of some sort.
Norbert, the Magic Dragon,
Lived at Hogwarts.
And frolicked in the castle's mist,
In a cabin of some sort.
Together they would battle
'Gainst hags with bellowed wails.
Rubus kept an eye out for
Norbert's spiked deadly tail.
All students and teachers,
Would scream when e'er they came.
Death Eaters would cower down
When Norbert spouted flame.
Oh-
(Chorus)
Norbert, the Magic Dragon,
Lived at Hogwarts.
And frolicked in the castle's mist,
In a cabin of some sort.
Norbert, the Magic Dragon,
Lived at Hogwarts.
And frolicked in the castle's mist,
In a cabin of some sort.
A Dragon is Forever,
But Draco, very coy.
Rubeus knew the time was near,
The end of many joys.
One great night it happened,
Harry Potter came to him.
"Rubeus please I fear the worst,
The results look very grim!"
His head was bent in sorrow,
As Norbert went in a cage.
We all read on in disbelief,
As we turned the next page.
Norbert went to Romania,
That's all I've got to say.
One thing you all can rest assure,
He's been there to this day.
Oh-
(Chorus)
Norbert, the Magic Dragon,
Lived at Hogwarts.
And frolicked in the castle's mist,
In a cabin of some sort.
Norbert, the Magic Dragon,
Lived at Hogwarts.
And frolicked in the castle's mist,
In a cabin of some sort.
A filk by Pippin to the tune of Whatever Became of Hubert? by Tom Lehrer
Whatever became of Norbert?
Has anyone heard a thing?
He was big in Book One
But with his part done
We've seen not a scale or wing
Hagrid's miniature Norwegian dragon
Harry's saga without him is saggin'
We've got Grawp in Phoenix, I know,
Still I get out the Kleenex and blow.
"We must protest this treatment, Norbert,"
says each Potterverse reader.
As Rita wrote, dishing more dirt,
"Hagrid's a skrewt breeder."
(Sorry about that)
Whatever became of Norbert
We miss you, so tell us please.
Are you wild? Are you tame? Are you still just the same?
Shooting flame in a fiery sneeze?
Does Hagrid recalling when you were his own
Say, "Poor baby Norbert, now where do you roam?"
Do you dream you came back in Book Two?
Norbert, what happened to you?
To the tune of A Wandering Minstrel I from Gilbert & Sullivan's The Mikado
THE SCENE: The Dragon enclosure of GoF, Chap.18. The HUNGARIAN HORNTAIL looks forward to her appearance in the First Task of the Triwizard Tournament. The other three dragons function as a back-up CHORUS (If three singers seems too small a number for a chorus, just remember that these are dragons we're taking about here, and they sing REALLY loud).
HORNTAIL:
A thundering monster I
A thing that shreds and scratches,
Whose breath can light up matches
And makes its victims fry
My hornéd tail is long,
My fires far are ranging
When in battle exchanging
A ton of sulfur strong,
A ton of sulfur strong.
Are you a Tournamental dude?
I'll fly at you,
Tomorrow!
On nests of concrete eggs I'll brood,
I'll sit and stew
Tomorrow, morrow.
Once you endure my burn
You quickly might discern
'Twas not on planet Pern
Where up I grew.
Bizarro, 'zarro!
For when idiotic sport events are offered
This vitriolic dragon may decide
To run o'er the country's boundaries just like Fafner
And indulge herself in Budapest-icide!
Their challengers, whether they're slow or hasty
Ever fail - for they are merely human rubes
But although they may be dumb, they are so tasty
They egg me on to waltz, to waltz the Blue Danube!
CHORUS
Although they may be dumb, they are so tasty
They egg her on to waltz, to waltz the Blue Danube!
HORNTAIL:
And when they call for the Task you will see
My neck that swivels round
With a roar or more, I will guard my eggs
I'll escape their traps and a-break their legs
And pound 'em into the ground!
CHORUS
A roar or more!
She'll pound 'em into the ground!
HORNTAIL:
To fire some flame at a Firebolt
This dragon does with panache
'Cause my hungriest hank'ring ain't for goat
But human flesh
Delicious and fresh
Is a banquet I will bolt, roar more!
It's a guaranteed goulash.
HORNTAIL & CHORUS
Then start the tourney - off we go
As we sizzle in this compound
With a roar for more
You can't tell us "whoa!"
We'll pound 'em into the ground!
HORNTAIL
A thundering monster I,
A thing that shreds and scratches
Whose breath can light up matches
And make its victims fry, victims fry…..
NOTE: "Fafner" is the singing Wagnerian dragon in the opera Siegfried (he was originally a giant, but that's another story). "Pern" refers the setting of Anne McCaffrey's novels, a world inhabited by a race of lovable, super-intellegent and gallant dragons (and their human riders).
To the tune of Strangers in the Night, as popularized by Frank Sinatra, from the Croatian original.
THE SCENE: The Forbidden Forest, right after sundown. Enter a CHORUS OF CENTAURS, ready for another evening of star-gazing
CHORUS
Mars is bright tonight, it's simply glowing
Venus is in sight, just barely showing
Betelgeuse is dim, so is Orion too
All us centaurs watch Alpha Centauri
As that star erupts in cosmic fury
At the Pleiades who plead for peace anew
Jupiter's Great Eye seems rather swollen
And in Ganymede's bleak sky
We see clouds roll in
Is that boy condemned to die?,
We ask Gemini
Mars continues to shine bright `n'
So do Mercury and Titan…..
And everyone of us sing an adept tune
At the very sight of planet Neptune
Music, carry us to Sagittarius
A filk by Anon E. Mouse to the tune of Through Heaven's Eyes from The Prince of Egypt
FIRENZE:
The fate of the nations and this whole world,
The changes for better or worse,
All is recorded among the stars
Which are shining upon this Earth.
And a centaur, which has the knowledge,
That I now come to pass,
Can predict the greatest changes,
As he gazes upon the stars.
"So how can I know my own fate?"
That's what each human thinks.
You can not ask that of the stars above.
Ask about the greater things.
The heavens will tell.
The heavens will tell.
The heavens will tell
Of the greater things.
The centuries of the future,
The history you shall right,
It is all already recorded
In the flames that are burning bright.
And a centaur, who looks in the fire,
Can see what you know not,
Will then be able to tell you
Of the war that's yet to be fought.
"So what awaits me tomorrow?"
That's what each human thinks.
You can not ask that of the dancing flame.
Ask about the greater things.
The fire will tell.
The fire will tell.
The fire will tell.
Of the greater things.
The trees that stand in the forest.
The flowers blooming in grass,
They all are directly connected,
To that writings among the stars.
And a centaur in touch with nature,
With the secrets known to some,
Can use their leaves to discover
The events that are yet to come.
"So how can I know my key to success?"
That's what each human thinks.
You can not ask that of the trees and leaves.
Ask about the greater things.
The nature will tell.
The nature will tell.
The nature will tell.
Of the greater things.
A filk by Eileen to the tune of the Veggie Tales' Everybody's Got a Water Buffalo
Somewhere in Scotland, JKR attempts to get over writer's block.
JKR
Everybody's got a lethifold,
Yours is new but mine is old.
I don't know where they're bought and sold.
But everybody's got lethifo-ooooooooold.
I took my lethifold to King's Cross,
Ate a fangirl - no big loss,
Closed up with some candy floss,
Oh everybody's got a ...
BLOOMSBURY BOOKS: Stop it, stop, stop right this instant! What do you think you're doing? You can't say everyone's got a lethifold when everyone does not have a lethifold! We're going to get nasty letters from the kids saying, "Where's my lethifold? Why don't I have a lethifold?" And then you'll be accused of blurring the lines between fiction and reality. Next thing you know, some lethifold worshiping cult will spring up, and you'll be one to blame. And are you prepared to deal with that? I don't think so! Just stop being so silly!
NARRATOR:
This has been Silly Songs with JKR. Tune in
next time to hear JKR sing ...
JKR:
Everybody's got a baby basilisk,
Yours is safe but mine's a risk.
Tom's is dead but ...
A filk by Annie Llewellyn to the tune of Who Let the Dogs Out? by The Baha Men
"Who Let the Skrewts Out?" *ouch!* *zap* *kkcct*
"Who Let the Skrewts Out?" *aaah!! *brrzz* *zzt*
"Who Let the Skrewts Out?" *Mommy!* *eeargh!*
"Who Let the Skrewts Out?" *crunch* *click* *ahhh!*
Well his class was nice when it wasn't hurting *ooowww!*
And nobody really wanted to be late *aaaauuugggh!*
Until the one day in September *clickity click*
He brought out a giant crate!
And the class is yelling:
"Who Let the Skrewts Out?" *crackle* *zzztt* *yuck!*
"Who Let the Skrewts Out?" *eeee!* *zap* *owie!*
"Who Let the Skrewts Out?" *snap* *kckck!* noo!*
"Who Let the Skrewts Out?" *bzzz* *smack* *Mommy!*
Skeeter she finds all the Skrewt-loving kinds
"Get back Rita, you cheat-a, get back!" says Harry to Hagrid.
*bang thump crack break*
"Er, maybe they DON'T hibernate..."
Well, Harry said he should not get angry *eeeaargh!*
But then Hagrid claimed they were okay *snap* *zzztt*
They started killing off each other *click* *zwing*
Take them for a walk, and you'll fall away!
And the class is shouting:
"Who Let The Skrewts Out?" *zzzrrt* *kckckl*
"Who Let The Skrewts Out?" *ewieee!!* *ouch!!*
"Who Let The Skrewts Out?" *aaahh!* *yuck!* *eee!*
"Who Let the Skrewts Out?" *crunch* *Mommy!* *noo!*
"Eurgh!"
My Skrewts are nothing more than a new creature
"Only just hatched! Thought we'd make a make a bit of a project of it!"
Although I have messed up my records as a teacher
"And why would we want to raise them?"
"Who Let the Skrewts Out?" *bzz* *click* *zwing*
"Who Let the Skrewts Out?" *snap* *zzzztt* *Mommy!*
"Who Let the Skrewts Out?"*aahh!* *click* *crunch*
"Who Let the Skrewts Out?" *kckckk* *smack* *eee!*
Skeeter she finds all the Skrewt-loving kinds
"Get back Rita, you cheat-a, get back!" says Harry to Hagrid.
*bang thump crack break*
"Er, maybe they DON'T hibernate..."
I've been in class, and I guess the only way to pass
I've got to get the leash around this guy but he has no head
Ahh! Getting dragged round the grounds, just how are these guys fed
Well, Hagrid's okay but these Skrewts are not
If these are illegal will he get caught
I suppose if I move the leash away from the tail
This class I won't have to ever fail...
Now, he's pulling kind of tight towards that other guy
So I guess I'll just - aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh!! *bump*
"Who Let the Skrewts Out?" *smash* *eaurgh!* *zzztt*
"Who Let the Skrewts Out?" *snap* *click* *aaahhh!*
"Who Let the Skrewts Out?" *zwing* *crash* *kckck*
"Who Let the Skrewts Out?" *Mommy!* *noooo!*
"Who Let the Skrewts Out?" *bzzz* *smack* *eeee!*
"Who Let the Skrewts Out?" *bang* *thump* *crash*
"Who Let the Skrewts Out?" *whoa!* *zap* *ouch*
"Who Let the Skrewts Out?" *aaaugghh!* *Mommy!*
A filk by Gail to the tune of Moondance by Van Morrison
What's a Mooncalf?
Well, what a wondrous beast is this Mooncalf
With it's grey coat and curious eyes
So hilarious that you will soon laugh
At its flat feet of enormous size
But with its legs, so spindly but nimble,
It can do a complicated dance
And in fields it leaves behind a symbol
Evidence that it came there to prance
I've heard a Calf's dancing is a sight to behold
A herd of Calves swaying is graceful, so I'm told
May we go to watch a Mooncalf in the moonlight?
Say we can go and we'll soon laugh with such great delight
Well, Scamander in his book is stating
That he knows what motivates this beast
He believes it's a prelude to mating
That makes it act just like an artiste
The Mooncalf leaves behind its safe burrow
On nights that a full moon is rising
To places isolated they go, then
On hind legs they start doing their thing
And if a Calf's dung is gathered ere the sunrise
We're told that for farmers it's thought as a great prize
And so although their dance ruins half their crop, that night
Those plants enriched with a Mooncalf's silver plop grows right
Musical interlude where Mooncalves are dancing
Repeat 1st stanza
We'll watch Mooncalves dancing in the moonlight
On a full moon night
La, la, la, la, oh, to say the least
It's a magic beast
May we go to watch a Mooncalf in the moonlight?
To the tune of The First Noel
HARRY:
The first Thestral I ever did view
Made me think for a time
I was going cuckoo
No one with me could perceive
Where those gaunt horses stood
No one with me, that is,
Except Luna Lovegood
HARRY & LUNA:
Thestral, thestral, thestral, thestral
Unseen by them, unto us visible
NEVILLE:
In Magic Creatures Care
'Midst the Forbidden Trees
Hagrid bought in a herd
Of these unseen ponies
I held a vigil once
By my grandad's death bed
I gained a Sixth Horse Sense
When I saw people dead
HARRY, LUNA & NEVILLE:
Thestral, thestral, thestral, thestral
Unseen by them, unto us visible
HARRY, LUNA, NEVILLE & HAGRID
If you have a need to fly
To far-off places,
Ask a thestral and
It will make like Pegasus.
Some say they are bad luck
And though they may weird be
We'd love to run one in the Kentucky Derby
Thestral, thestral, thestral, thestral
Unseen by them but to us visible
Unseen by them, unto us visible
To the tune of Veggie Tales' The Song of the Cebu
THE SCENE: Potions' Dungeon. For extra credit, NEVILLE is giving an oral presentation with a few Audio-Visual aids
HERMIONE (spoken): Ladies and gentlemen, fellow students! Neville Longbottom presents a musical, electronic, multi-magical extravaganza: The Song of the Tebo!
NEVILLE (music): Tebo!
With an antiquated slide projector (powered by a 500-mile extension cord), NEVILLE begins showing a series of slides on a bedsheet hanging in midair - he is apparently alone in all of the "tebo" photos
(spoken, with musical accompaniment) This is a song about a boy ...
A song about a wizard boy and his Tebo ...
A song about a wizard boy and his three Tebos ...
The wizard boy who had a red Tebo….a blue Tebo….and an orange Tebo….And also a Longhorn.
NEVILLE is momentarily flustered by a series of slides unrelated to his presentation
Um ... um ... this is a picture of me at St. Mungo's….This is my Great-Uncle Algernon….This is me standing up to Crabbe….And this is me fighting both Crabbe and Goyle.
CHORUS OF GRYFFINDORS: (with admiration) Ohh!
NEVILLE: This is me after fighting Crabbe and Goyle
CHORUS: (shocked) Ahh!
NEVILLE: This is me getting out of Madam Pomfrey's six weeks after fighting Crabbe and Goyle ... I think that's Crabbe's cousin. He's a Fire Crab!
SNAPE: Hold it! You call this a multi-magical extravaganza? This is a Muggle slide projector and a bed sheet! And where on earth are the Tebos, anyway?
NEVILLE: They're invisible. See?
SNAPE: (momentary silence) Yes. Well, very good. This is against my better judgment, but carry on!
The Song Proper now begins
NEVILLE: (music) Tebo! (spoken, to CHORUS) Sing it with me! (music) Tebo!
CHORUS: Tebo!
NEVILLE: Boy is looking for Tebo
CHORUS: Boy is looking for Tebo
NEVILLE: And he searches high and low
CHORUS: And he searches high and low
NEVILLE: Red Tebo is going from Zaire, to Togo go, to Togo go
to Togo go, to Togo go go go go
CHORUS: To Togo go, To Togo go, To Togo go,
To Togo go, To Togo go, To Togo go go go
NEVILLE: Longhorn giving big bellows
CHORUS: Longhorn giving big bellows
NEVILLE: Can't see boy or three Tebos
CHORUS: Can't see boy or three Tebos
NEVILLE: Big Longhorn is roaring and calling, goes to and fro, goes to and fro,
goes to and fro, goes to and fro fro fro
CHORUS: Goes to and fro, goes to and fro, goes to and fro, goes to and fro, goes to and fro, goes to and fro fro fro
NEVILLE: Tebo!
CHORUS: Tebo!
NEVILLE: Tebo!
CHORUS: Tebo!
NEVILLE & CHORUS: Oh, woe, you know, oh, woe, you know, oh, woe, you know, oh, woe, you know, oh, woe, you know, oh, woe, you know, Tebo!
NEVILLE: Longhorn eat the red Tebo
CHORUS: Longhorn eat the red Tebo
NEVILLE: Wash it down with nice Bordeaux
CHORUS: Wash it down with nice Bordeaux
NEVILLE: Strong Longhorn is eating and drinking
Mmm-mmm mmm mmm, mmm-mmm mmmmmm, mmm-mmm mmm mmm, mmm-mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm
CHORUS: Mmm-mmm mmm mmm, mmm-mmm mmm mmm, mmm-mmmmmm mmm, mmm-mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm
Slide projector suddenly melts. Musical accompaniment stops.
NEVILLE: (spoken) Uh-oh.
SNAPE: (spoken, caught up in the story in spite of himself) Well! What happens next?
NEVILLE: Um ...
SNAPE: Why did the Tebos leave Zaire for Togo? What is a Romanian Longhorn doing in West Africa? Doesn't the Longhorn have to able to see the Tebo in order to eat it? How did the other two Tebos escape? How can you know what color a Tebo is when they're invisible? Where did the dragon get its Bordeaux? And what, Mr. Longbottom, are you doing on the African continent fooling around with highly dangerous "Five-X" Beasts? You can't just give a presentation like this with all these discrepancies in your narrative! I'm going to have to speak to your Head of House about this.
NEVILLE: But wait - I've still the "show and tell" part, with my highly trained pet Tebo. (music, calling out) Tebo!
CHORUS: Tebo!
A huge reptilian foot crashes through the ceiling. Music again stops.
NEVILLE (spoken): No, wait ...that's the Longhorn.
SNAPE & CHORUS flee in panic
NEVILLE & LONGHORN (music)
No more song about Tebo!
Everybody want to go!
Audience is fleeing and screaming
And so no show, and so no show, and so no show, and no no no no show
ORANGE TEBO (suddenly materializing, spoken): I told you we shoulda done this in the greenhouse!
NEVILLE: I don't know, I just can't see it.
A filk by Ginger to the tune of What Can You Do With a Drunken Sailor?
This is one of those times I think I have been filking too long. I was pondering werewolves (long story), when I remembered in FB that it said that werewolves could be wizard or Muggle. I started wondering about how a Muggle would be treated, and how it would be kept secret from the rest of the Muggle world.
What do you do with a Muggle Werewolf?
One who can grow quite a lot of hair-wolf?
Can't have the Muggles stop and stare-wolf?
Once he's in St. Mungo's?
Go bind him up with some Magic shackles.
Give him a room with a hag who cackles.
One who's for sure gonna raise his hackles.
Tied up in St. Mungo's.
Give him a goblet of good old wolfsbane.
Might get a hairball, but he'll still stay sane.
'Til the full moon is gone he'll remain
Safely in St. Mungo's.
What can we do with his Muggle cohorts?
Family and friends and his pubmates of sorts?
This surely calls for some drastic resorts!
Keep them from St. Mungo's.
Call up an Auror- obliviate them.
Cannot recall what nearly ate them.
Must find a way we can compensate them-
Bill it to St. Mungo's.
Make his wife think he was out fox-hunting.
Make his boss think he was at work grunting.
Give the excuses that he'll be wanting
Whilst he's in St. Mungo's.
What do you do with a Muggle Werewolf?
He must be treated with extra care-wolf.
No damage done that we can't repair-wolf
If he's in St. Mungo's.
To the tune of Merle Haggard's Okie from Muskogee
NOTE: According to Scamander's classic text, Doxies live in Northern Europe and America, generally preferring colder climates. Unknown to the Potterverse till now is the fact that some decades ago, a small group of Doxies migrated to the Gulf Coast region of Mississippi, and established a thriving community. Years of warm humid climate, Southern hospitality, and mint julep have gradually civilized them to the point where they now consider themselves as "beings" rather than "beasts", and look askance upon the practices of their less sophisticated cousins, not to mention the antics of such closely-related species as fairies and pixies.
Although they prefer to shun the limelight, one of the Southern Doxies has agreed to explain the differences between themselves and their Northern brethren:
A SOUTHERN DOXY:
We don't haunt old mansions in Biloxi;
We don't break our teeth on tapestries
We don't die from Doxycide on carpets;
Or get served in no snackboxes by Weasleys.
I'm proud to be a Doxy from Biloxi,
A place where former pests puff out their chests
We don't act like fairies straight off the fruit farm
Or those Pixie chicks, a species we detest
We don't fly at folks in fits of fury
Venom's not a thing that we deploy
We don't let our kids hang out in curtains,
Or get written up by Newt or Gilderoy
And I'm proud to be a Doxy from Biloxi,
A species that has but a single "X"
If we would be "beings" we must have culture
And stop acting like those Grimmauld Place rejects
Quintapeds may still have quarrels in clannish warfare
Ghouls and Grindylows can be quite rude
Footsteps flee the rough old hippocampus,
But we Doxies keep respectful attitudes
So I'm a Dixie Doxy from Biloxi,
That's why I'm singing this doxology
We are no longer beasts, but we're fantastic
In Biloxi, Mississippi, USA