Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

 Poetry by veritas

Obviously the chapter titles are from HBP, and they're only there so you know what you're reading. Otherwise, all 30 haikus are my original creation.

The Other Minister
The other one calls
He never talks of good news
Dark wizards are loose

Spinner's End
Narcissa seeks Snape
"Help my only son," she cries.
"To death, I promise."

Will and Won't
He's the Chosen One
And Master of Grimmauld Place
To Kreacher's protests

Horace Slughorn
The newest teacher
Is reluctant to fall for
Harry's persuasion

An Excess of Phlegm
Fleur's at the Burrow
OWL results have arrived
Harry's not a Troll

Draco's Detour
New School robes for all
U-No-Poo can assist some
Draco is sneaky

The Slug Club
Back onto the train
Slughorn chooses his favorites
Draco kicks Harry

Snape Victorious
New defense teacher
Snape finally gets his wish
"No!" Harry protests.

The Half-Blood Prince
Potions without Snape
Defense with the evil git
Who's the Half-Blood Prince?

The House of Gaunt
Dumbledore's Pensieve
Shows them Morfin and Merope
Tom's mum and uncle

Hermione's Helping Hand
Non-verbal magic
Ron wants to be the Keeper
Hermione Confunds

Silver and Opals
Testing spells on Ron
Mungdungus steals some stuff
Katie Bell is screwed

The Secret Riddle
Tom is a wizard
He's mean to the other kids
He collects trophies

Felix Felicis
Slug Club, Harry avoids
Ron can play Quidditch quite well
And snog Lavender

The Unbreakable Vow
Party with Slughorn
Draco's in over his head
Snape gives him some tips

A Very Frosty Christmas
Molly's nostalgic
Lupin knows Fenrir Greyback
Rufus comes calling

A Sluggish Memory
'Mione hates Won Won
Riddle looks for his father
Slughorn hides something

Birthday Surprises
Learn to Apparate
Splinching is bad for your health
Poisoned mead is too

Elf Tails
McLaggen's a tool
Harry still suspects Malfoy
Kreacher must go spy

Lord Voldemort's Request
He wants Helga's cup
And he's turned down for teaching
"I'll curse that job too!"

The Unknowable Room
Draco's been busy
Kreacher and Dobby report
Goyle screams like a girl*

(*just say his name really fast)

After the Burial
Aragog is dead
Harry helps Hagrid to mourn
Drunk Slughorn tells all

Horcruxes
Tom split up his soul
Hiding fragments in trinkets
So where are they now?

Sectusempra
Harry likes Ginny
Myrtle's moaning with Malfoy
Harry curses him

The Seer Overheard
'Twas Snape who betrayed
When hearing the prophecy
Trelawney admits

The Cave
The locket's inside
Beneath a potion to drink
Albus isn't scared

The Lightning-Struck Tower
The Dark Mark is seen
No one is dead yet, but soon
Snape kills Dumbledore

Flight of the Prince
Harry is angry
"You are a coward," he cries.
"I'm the Prince," Snape says.

The Phoenix Lament
The Horcrux is fake
Harry keeps all his secrets
And Fawkes leaves the school

The White Tomb
Everyone's grieving
Harry knows what he must do
Go to a wedding!

A filk by Nimbus 1944 to the tune of The Liberty Bell by John Philip Sousa (aka The Monty Python theme)

The British Prime Minister stands and delivers a solo...

MUGGLE P.M.
I've got a circle of Ministers,
My governmental corps;
They're quite enough of a circus, thanks,
But yet, there must be more.
I have another minister
Whose visits I abhor --
The Magic Minister,
Who administers
Goblins, owls and more!

This fellow comes from my fireplace --
No, never through my door!
He tells of witches and wizards who
Prepare to fight a war.
He firmly promises victory
As in the days of yore --
The Magic Minister,
Who administers
Dragons, elves and more!

Oh, mercy be there on Britain, glory be--
With warriors barely past their puberty!
Oh, Arthur ye King had Merlin, I've got mine;
God save the teen magicians, our front line!

A filk to the tune of Both Sides Now by Judi Collins

THE SCENE: 10 Downing Street. "Major" problems loom as the "Petty" Muggle PM "Blairs" his dissatisfaction, Fudge hits the "Pitt", and Scrimgeour declares that he is the "Law", by "George"! (I'm showing off my knowledge of British history)

The Prime Minister gazed hopelessly at the pair of them for a moment, then the words he had fought to suppress all evening burst from him at last.

"But for heaven's sake--you're wizards! You can do magic! Surely you can sort out--well--anything!"

Scrimgeour turned slowly on the spot and exchanged an incredulous look with Fudge, who really did manage a smile this time as he said kindly, "The trouble is, the other side can do magic too, Prime Minister."

THE P.M.
When I first in this office sat a man in a green bowler hat
Came out of thin air just like that, I thought it due to stress
And with that man I oft confer, with him, the Other Minister
So, ev'ry year some disaster he comes here to confess

FUDGE
You're getting news from both sides now
The Muggle PM we allow
To stay informed in small degrees
But only in emergencies

THE P.M.
I'm dealing now with hurricanes, bridges collapsing in the rain,
A savage murder down the lane, amidst depressing mist.
But now you tell me this ado is all the work of You-Know-Who
If magic is the thing you do, then stop him, I insist!

FUDGE
But magic's done by both sides now
We'll stop him but I don't how
The Dark Lord has us in a squeeze
As he designs emergencies

THE P.M.
It seems that I am not unique in having had an awful week
For your winning electoral streak has reached a sudden end
You have been forced out in disgrace, and Rufus is to take your place
A man with a leonine face, on him we must depend

SCRIMGEOUR
The Ministry's on my side now
I won't submit and say "meow"
And though Shunpike may be displeased
My job's to fix emergencies….

To the tune of the Sesame Street classic Rubber Ducky

THE SCENE: A ward on St. Mungo's - Healers (not quacks!) try, unsuccessfully, to repair the Dark Arts damage done against Junior Minister Herbert Chorley.

HERBERT CHORLEY:
Oh! Muggle Ducky
I'm the flack
Who Lord Voldy
Taught to quack
Muggle Ducky
I'm awfully bird-brained, too! (bobobodeo)

Muggle Ducky
I'll attack
When I strangle, I'll still quack
Muggle Ducky
Far away all my reason flew

Since the day that they
Cast that curse rather poorly
I'm quackin' like a birdy who's
Mean and dirty
But sorely
Herbert J. Chorley!

Muggle Ducky
I must go
To a back ward at Mungo
Muggle Ducky, now locked up with Lockhart, too!

To the tune of the Age of Aquarius from Hair

THE SCENE: Four Privet Drive. HARRY reviews a leaflet from the Ministry of Magic

HARRY (reading):
"When the Dark Mark's seen above your house
As Voldemort is waging war
You better plan to beat it
And shun his undead corps

"This is a warning 'bout a plague of Inferius
Plague of Inferius!
Inferius!

"Just a tip of the sombrero:
Things could get so George Romero
It's an evil scheme of Tommy's
To o'er run us all with zombies
Don't go out unless you got to
Or you'll encounter Nosferatu
Inferius!
Inferius!

"When the Dark Mark's seen above your house
As Voldemort is waging war
You better plan to beat it
And shun his undead corps

"This is a warning 'bout a plague of Inferius
Inferius!
Inferius!"

A filk by Annemehr to the tune of Let It Snow

Oh the weather has us all cryin'
The dementors multiplyin'
Up the lane we hear screams echo:
Crucio, crucio, crucio!

Oh the Dark Lord has us all tremblin'
And the Order's reassemblin'
(Though the Weasleys sell U-No-Poo)
Crucio, crucio, crucio!

(bridge)
Well, the Ministry's in the thick
Of the fight to restore civil order --
They knew just what would do the trick:
Recall Fudge; substitute Scrimgeour!!!

These days Shunpike is still in prison
And Harry's on a mission
Bella knows just how it should go --
Crucio! Crucio! Crucio!

A filk by Jason LeBouef to the tune of Ain't No Sunshine by Bill Withers

I was listening to this song on the radio and when the "I know I know I know I know" part came on, it reminded me of Kreacher.

SCENE: Harry inherits Kreacher, the Blacks' house elf

UNCLE VERNON
Ain't no house elf livin' here
Hope I make that very clear
Ain't no house elf livin' here
Petunia's all in tears
Get that thing right out of here

HARRY
Wonder where he's gonna stay
Wish I could send him away

UNCLE VERNON
Ain't no house elf livin' here
Petunia's all in tears
Get that thing right out of here

KREACHER
And I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't

HARRY
Hey, will you shut your ugly hole

UNCLE VERNON
Ain't no house elf livin' here
Ain't no house elf livin' here

HARRY
At the Black house you must stay

UNCLE VERNON
Ain't no house elf livin' here
Petunia's all in tears
Get that thing right out of here
Get that thing right out of here
Get that thing right out of here
Get that thing right out of here

To the tune of Home on the Range

"While [Sirius'] will makes it perfectly plain that he wants you to have [Grimmauld Place], it is nevertheless possible that some spell or enchantment has been set upon the place to ensure that it cannot be owned by anyone other than a pureblood…..And if such an enchantment exists, then the ownership of the house is most likely to pass to the eldest of Sirius's living relatives, which would mean his cousin, Bellatrix Lestrange."

----Dumbledore to Harry, HBP, Chapter 3

THE SCENE: Before 12 Grimmauld Place. The Order of the Phoenix, aware that Bellatrix Lestrange might show up on their doorstep at any moment, prepares to vacate the premises.

THE ORDER:
We once had a home like an Edgar Poe poem
That we sublet from Sirius Black
He's no longer there, Bella may be the heir
And she can't hardly wait to unpack

New home for Lestrange
Means the Order must move out of range
She'll arrive with the keys and she'll cancel our lease
And make this the HQ for AKs

Kreacher will celebrate over Bella's estate
For the purebloods are sure good, he said.
He'll joyfully slave till he reaches his grave
And he'll be interred without his head.

New home for Lestrange
Our mansion she will re-arrange
An extreme make-over and hostile take-over
Mother Black shall break out the champagne.

An owl from Dumbledore arrives relating his happy discovery that Harry is indeed the new owner of 12 Grimmauld Place

Dumble's message arrived straight from 4 Privet Drive
And we've conquered the powers of hate
Black has made his godson the Grimmauld Chosen One
Now we won't have to go to probate.

No home for Lestrange
We're revoking Bella's address change
Let's forevermore pledge
That we'll keep our mortgage
Far away from heavy-lidded dames.

To the tune of Cop Song from the musical Urinetown

THE SCENE: Diagon Alley, before Madam Malkin's. Enter the Trio

HARRY (spoken): If there's one thing I've learned in my many years of shopping in Diagon Alley, it's that the journey down to Diagon is no bargain. Not even for the very toughest amongst us. On that journey expect only expectorations.

(music) So that day we made our way to Malkin's
Then they saw us walk in, with DA brawn
The pure-bloods, purchasin' duds
Makin' slurs of mud front of me and Ron

RON
He's so pathologically into crud
Voldy's number one bud, DE spawn
His Mum's cold, sleazy way of talkin'
Slytherins a-squawkin' in Diagon

HARRY & RON
Narcissa Malfoy
Bought a new dress robe for her boy
Too bad our army helped destroy

HARRY
Lou's ploy

RON
What joy!

NARCISSA
But Lily Potter's son
May call himself the Chosen One
Shouldn't try a curse if I am here
Or I will guarantee he'll be undone!

DRACO
Well, there are those who socialize
With mongrels -

NARCISSA
Hang out with the wrong girls -

DRACO
A shock and shame, but as we uphold
The pride of wizards -

NARCISSA
Followers of his word -

DRACO
Who's not named!
Our task: help defeat the Order -

NARCISSA
Not to mention Potter -

DRACO
We'll crush and maim, for before long
Dumbledore won't aid you

NARCISSA
Then I am afraid you'll -

DRACO & NARCISSA
Have lost the game!
Her-me-ownee G.
Homely, gaunt and bony, she
Caught without her crony, we -

DRACO
DEs -

NARCISSA
DC'd!

HARRY & RON
But Draco Malfoy's dad
Hoosegow-held because he's bad
Needs his wife to bail him out -
She'll soon in convict clothes be clad!

HARRY (looking mockingly around the shop)
Don't see any Dumbledore here
Why not start your war here, double dare!
Despite Slytherin aggression,
Pardon the expression, we don't scare!

That's why we will keep our wands raised
As you two go on crazed, evil blondes
If a fight is what you're after
We're convulsed with laughter - so bring it on!

A few tense moments of silence, as the antagonists all raise their wands - and the tension - a bit higher

RON
Narcissa Malfoy

NARCISSA
Lily Potter's son

DRACO
Her-me-ownee G.

NARCISSA
Lily Potter's son

HARRY
Narcissa Malfoy

RON
And Draco Malfoy's dad

HERMIONE & MADAM MALKIN (to the Gryffindors and Slytherins, respectively)
Don't fight with them! Don't fight with them!, etc.

The next three stanzas are sung as a round, climaxing in the fourth and final stanza which is sung in unison

HARRY
On this day we
Made our way to Malkin's
And they saw us walk in
With DA brawn
Our purebloods
Purchasin' duds
Makin' slurs of mud
Front of me and Ron

RON
On this day we
Made our way to Malkin's
And they saw us walk in
With DA brawn
Our purebloods
Purchasin' duds
Makin' slurs of mud

DRACO & NARCISSA
On this day they
Made their way to Malkin's
And we saw them walk in
With DA brawn
We purebloods
Purchasin' duds

GRYFFINDORS/SLYTHERINS
They're so pathologically into crud
Voldy's/Dumble's number one bud, DE/DA spawn
His Mum's/Their dumb cold, sleazy way of talkin'
Slytherins/Gryffindors a-squawkin' in Diagon!

Exit, in righteous xenophobic disgust, NARCISSA & DRACO

A filk by Anon E. Mouse to the tune of When You're Good to Mama from Chicago

HORACE SLUGHORN introduces himself on the train

SLUGHORN:
The little guys who crawl around this pub
All know they should join my "Slug Club".
If you've got ambitions that you'd like to feed.
Slughorn's got connections, and everything you'll need.

Life is full of hazards, but you'll make it through.
When you're good to Slughorn, Slughorn's good to you.

Ministry of Magic might seem hard to reach,
But for you I will find the most fitting niche
Than once you are wealthy with a well-paid job
Don't forget that Slughorn got you to the top.

If you're good at Quidditch, want to Keep or Seek,
Slughorn's got connections in the Quidditch League
But once you're famous, once they watch you fly,
Don't forget that Slughorn helped you get this high.

Write a friendly letter, lend a helping hand,
Send some fresh pineapple to your sluggish friend
Score your house some points, learn just who-is-who,
When you do for Slughorn, Slughorn does for you.

Hogwarts competition might be tough to beat,
But with help from Slughorn, you're on easy street.
So take my offer, know that it's true,
If you're right for Slughorn, Slughorn's right for you.

A filk by Prankoholic to the tune of When You Say Nothing At All by Ronan Keating

SNAPE
Many years have I begged to teach DADA
And while I am in charge you will hear what I say
You will fail this class and I'll bid you farewell
If you can't handle nonverbal spells

To fully succeed you need full concentration
And you will fail if you utter the incantation
You can't even whisper or mumble
Above all not squall
You do it best
When you say nothing at all

Your faces turning blue is pathetic to see
Though you may choke to death, that's no great loss for me
You'll all fail this class, you'll never pass the NEWTS
And we won't meet again, that's the wonderful truth

To fully succeed you need full concentration
And you will fail if you utter the incantation
You can't even whisper or mumble
Above all not squall
You do it best
When you say nothing at all

To the tune of the austere and solemn Village People classic YMCA

THE SCENE: The initial DADA class. SNAPE shamelessly exploits a hit tune to ingratiate himself with the student populace.

SNAPE:
Students, learning Dark Arts Defense
I said, students, you'll avoid consequence
If you're prudent and if you're not too dense
To just heed this screed from Snapey

Students, when you're facing a foe
I said, students, turn the sound way down low
If you're silent, there is no need to show
Anyone what hex you're handling

SNAPE & STUDENTS
You cast a spell that is N-V-B-L
You cast a spell that is N-V-B-L
When an evil thing that attacks and destroys
You can fight it without the noise.

You cast a spell that is N-V-B-L
You cast a spell that is N-V-B-L
When you're fighting DEs
It can give you the edge
With a split-second advantage.

SNAPE:
You've had Dark Arts Teachers before
But then all five went straight out through the door
I said, students, you've learned nothing, it seems
So you've got to follow my theme.

Dark Arts are unfixed and severe
So then, be smart, make it so they can't hear
We'll now try it, from the Sixth Book of Spells
You'll repel with N-V-B-L

SNAPE & STUDENTS
You cast a spell that is N-V-B-L
You cast a spell that is N-V-B-L
When some evil thing wants to murder and crush
You can conquer if you keep hush.

You cast a spell that is N-V-B-L
You cast a spell that is N-V-B-L
You do not say a word
You do not move your lips
You just quietly let it rip.

SNAPE
Students, split up in groups of two
It is time for a nonverbal duel
Let your partner cast an unspoken jinx
Which you'll block silent as a sphinx

HARRY
That's when Snapey came up to me
And said, "Potter, go one-on-one with me."
So I then thought, "Go ahead, make my day!"
For there's no way that I'll obey.

HARRY & RON
A class with Snape is not enviable
A class with Snape is not enviable
He loves nothing more than detentions to give
He's a misfit unfit to live.

CHORUS OF STUDENTS (slowing fading away)
Enviable
A class with Snape is not enviable
A class with Snape is not enviable
Potter, Potter, you must call Snapey "sir"
Potter, Potter, or he'll get you for sure

N-V-B-L
Cast a spell that's N-V-B-L
Potter, Potter, do not give Snapey cheek,
Potter, Potter, or detention for a week…..

A filk by weirdsis and Bandersnatch to the tune of Barbara Ann by Fred Fassert as sung by The Beach Boys (penultimate stanza by J.K. Rowling, HBP p. 204 US ed.)

Mor Mor Mor Mor Morfin Gaunt
Mor Mor Mor Mor Morfin Gaunt

Chorus
Morfin Gaunt
My dreams you haunt
Morfin Gaunt
You're always hissin' and a-hexin'
Hissin' and a-cursin'
Morfin Gaunt, Mor Mor Mor Morfin Gaunt

Snake on the door, bottles on the floor
Always wearin' rags, and your sister you abhor
Morfin Gaunt
Muggles you taunt
You're always hissin' and a-hexin'
Hissin' and a-cursin'
Morfin Gaunt, Mor Mor Mor Morfin Gaunt

Mor Mor Mor Mor Morfin Gaunt
Mor Mor Mor Mor Morfin Gaunt

Chorus

Got filthy hair, sittin' in your chair
Guests you must scare, fix your teeth if you dare
Morfin Gaunt
Muggles you taunt
You're always hissin' and a-hexin'
Hissin' and a-cursin'
Morfin Gaunt, Mor Mor Mor Morfin Gaunt

Do not taunt Morfin Gaunt
Like Tom Riddle Senior, that bon vivant
Who took a jaunt past Morfin's haunt
On the way to get his girlfriend a hot croissant
He stopped to flaunt, as was his wont
Now Morfin's got a hex with his name on't

Hissy hissy little snakey
Slither on the floor
You be good to Morfin
Or he'll nail you to the door
Oooooo, yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah

Chorus

To the tune of Rainbow High from Lloyd Webber's Evita

THE SCENE: The Room of Requirement. DRACO prepares a batch of Polyjuice with his henchmen CRABBE and GOYLE in order to transform the latter into henchgals.

DRACO:
My plan to fix the cabinet
Won't work till I put Crabbe in it
So let's get started
Let's not drag this out too long
Let's now get devious
We'll start our TV-watching

DRACO, CRABBE & GOYLE (stirring the cauldron)
Leech, lacewings, knotgrass
Bicorn, blend, boil
Stir, magic, smoke, fluxweed
Stew, boomslang, enchantment, hodgepodge

CRABBE
I vow to help Draco, let beauty infuse me
And so, Polyjuice me, to a fetching young girl
I need to be guzzling, I want to help Draco try!
Let Chromosome "X" be turned to a "Y"!

DRACO, CRABBE & GOYLE
Stir, magic, smoke, fluxweed
Stew, boomslang, enchantment, hodgepodge

GOYLE
We'll show Potter, don't dare go agin me
So P. Parkinson me, pretty dimples and curls
Because I'm a villain, I will not let Draco fry!
He doesn't need Snape, just Crabbe and I.

DRACO, CRABBE & GOYLE
Stir, magic, smoke, fluxweed
Stew, boomslang, enchantment, hodgepodge

DRACO
All my Death Eating buddies expect me to slaughter Al Dumbledore
I need Crabbe & Goyle
They're my servants, let darkness befriend `em
And so gender-bend `em, though I might hurl
Just hear Voldy saying, he wants to see Draco vie
With magical killers

The Polyjuice transforms CRABBE and GOYLE into major babes - the ANTI-TRIO gaze upon one another with surprise as certain intriguing possibilities are considered

DRACO, CRABBE & GOYLE
Oh, truly would none of us try anything that is rash
But, technically speaking, it couldn't be labeled as "slash"

The ANTI-TRIO get back to business

CRABBE & GOYLE
This Room that's Required
Our Draco's gonna stay, stake out every yard
His gals will stand guard

DRACO, CRABBE & GOYLE
Look out, Albus Dumble
Because you oughta know with whom you're gonna be messing
Just a double cross with
Just a double cross with
Just a double cross with some cross-dressing

To the tune of Rising Early in the Morning from Gilbert and Sullivan's The Gondoliers

THE SCENE: Harry's debut as the Captain of the GQT

HARRY:
It appears I have been tapped, then,
Once Ms. Johnson did retire
As the brand-new Quidditch Captain,
To exhort and to inspire.
And 'tis the Captain's path
Lets me in the Prefects' bath….

First, I make some formal notice
I have written to promote us
That announces when our tryouts should occur.
Then, I hear a plea from Katie
Which is solemn, strong and weighty,
"By default do not let last year's team recur.”
Next I move so to reserve the Quidditch pitch
So we have a place to practice with the Snitch,
For it is my duty to evaluate
Ev'ry Gryffindoran Quidditch candidate.
Then I chase away a loopy
Squad of Hufflepuff girl groupies
Well as giggling Ravenclaw gals who arrive here by the ton.
(Here's the scoop I got from Hermy,
As she hastens to assure me
That the fangirls have come flocking to gawk at the Chosen One).
Then the trials start in earnest,
My expression at its sternest,
Till I motion to dismiss them and remove them from my sight.
All the fangirls stay to titter
As the broomsticks crash and flitter
Bringing down the feeble Firsties who can barely stay in flight.

(Chorus)
Oh, Angelina may complain
Mr. Wood display some strain
But the leadership of Quidditch is a positive delight
But it's slightly aggravating
When I'm forced to start berating
And dismiss the feeble Firsties who can barely stay in flight

Repeat Chorus

In the tryouts for the Chasers
Ginny lets no one displace her,
Katie Bell and Ms. Demelza do the same
Then I designate the Beaters,
Jimmy Peakes flies like a meteor,
And though Coote looks weedy, he has skilful aim.
Then the candidates for Keeper I inspect
And my old pal Ron is quite the nervous wreck
The crowd I thought by now would have dispersed
But its mockery and size grow worse and worse
Ron is up against a sore hack
Going by the name of Cormac
He's a boasting braggadocio with a shoulder for his chip
But his try is not so great, he
Scores a percentage of eighty
And he shows himself quite lacking both in sportmanship and zip.
Ron's triumphant in his tryout
Let Cormac in his rage fly out,
For he does not dare to cross me or my line drawn in the sand.
Though with joy Ron's face is flushing
I observe that Hermy's blushing
Over using a Confundus Charm to lend a helping hand.

(Chorus)
Oh, Angelina might have moaned
Ollie would have often groaned
But the leadership of Quidditch puts me firmly in command
But I cannot understand it
When Hermione's underhanded
In employing a Confundus Charm to lend a helping hand.

Repeat Chorus

A filk by Karlan to the tune of Part of Your World from The Little Mermaid

The Scene: Cormac McLaggen is trying out for the position of Keeper on the Gryffindor quidditch team. Using his enormous ego, he tries to convince team captain Harry that he is the right choice.

McLAGGEN:
Look at this skill
Isn't it neat?
Wouldn't you think that my training's complete?
Wouldn't you think I'm the one, the Keeper with…everything?
Look at that save,
Technique untold
How many great tricks can one guy unfold?
Looking at me here you'd think, "sure…he's got everything!"

I've done ducking and feinting a' plenty
I've blocked incoming Quaffles galore
Want me to dodge Bludgers? I've dodged twenty.
But who cares?
No big deal!
I want more!

I wanna be where the players are
I wanna see wanna see 'em flying
Seeking around for the…What's that word again? Oh…"Snitch".
Watching the game you don't get too far
Brooms are required for playing, winning
Victory laps 'round that…What's the word again? Oh…"Pitch".

Up where they zoom
Up where they fly
Up where they soar around in the sky
Consider me
I wanna be
Part of that team

What would I give
If I could live blocking the Quaffle?
What would I pay
To spend a day saving those goals?
'Cuz in the stands
It sure gets bland
If you must reprimand the keeper
Letting goals in, sick of playin', ready to land

And ready to show what I've got to show
Flexing my muscles and making girls faint
Being keeper is for what I truly do yearn
When's it my turn?
Wouldn't I love,
Love to be blocking goals up above?
Consider me
So I can be
Part of that team!

To the tune of Tom Dooley by the Kingston Trio

DUMBLEDORE (to Harry, spoken).: Throughout history there have been accounts about evil men of humble origin. In this memory, you'll see the story of a Mrs.Cole, an orphanage, and a abandoned boy named Tom Riddle. And in place of an owl, they sent me....

DUMBLEDORE and (HARRY)
Hang out with us, Tom Riddle
At Hogwarts School apply
Hang out with us, Tom Riddle
Don't act like a tough guy.

I met him as an orphan,
Living with Ms. Cole
Little did I know then
That he'd split his soul

Hang-ups you have, Tom Riddle
You like to thieve and lie (ah-uh-eye)
Hang-ups you have, Tom Riddle
You made the bunny die

I saw his wardrobe,
Made it burst in flame
"If you a-teach me magic,
I'll be mighty glad you came."

Hang out (with us) with us (Riddle) and fly
Hang out with us and fly (ah poor kid, ah well-ah)
Hang out (with us) with us (Riddle), you'll fly
Tommy, don't terrify (ah well now boy)

Hang-ups (have gone) have gone (Riddle) awry
Hang-ups have gone awry (ah poor kid, ah well-ah)
Hang-ups (have gone) have gone (Riddle) awry
Tommy, don't terrify

This Riddle fellow
Said, "Don't follow me!
Just a-send me toward Diagon,
Doing my own shopping spree."

Hang-ups you have, Tom Riddle
Hang ups out the wazoo (ah-uh-eye)
Hang-ups you have, Tom Riddle
And now you're You-Know-Who (ah well now guy)

Hang-ups you have, Tom Riddle
Hang-ups that made you sly (tough luck ah well uh)
Hang-ups you have, Tom Riddle
You'll be hung out to dry
You'll be hung out to dry
You'll be hung out to dry
You'll be hung out to----dry

To the tune of He Plays the Violin from Peter Stone's musical 1776

Mrs. Cole in her first solo!

THE SCENE: London in the 1940s at MRS. COLE'S orphanage. She discusses the case of one of her residents with Albus Dumbledore.

MRS. COLE
Oh, he never wept as newborn
He often seemed quite weird
He has always been a bully
And now he's greatly feared
It's so hard to begin
Even though I'm buzzed on gin
Even so…

He plays with violence
He conjures up forces immense
He will strike Third-Reich-like
Any tyke he dislikes
And we all say, "Don't dare to fiddle
With the young Thomas M. Riddle."
We've often been stung
Hi-hi-hi-hi
Though he's so young

He acts with violence
As though he's a Lord or some Prince
He's a guy all too sly
Who loves fear crystal clear
For we all pray that he won't dish up
The things he gave Dennis Bishop
We've often been stung
Hi-hi-hi-hi
Though he's so young

That bunny casualty
Must have some causality
When it died he denied
He felt pride when kids cried

For he is one quite mean little kid'll
That all call Thomas M. Riddle
And ever he'll be
Hi-hi-hi-hi
Through much misery

He plays with violence…..!

A filk by Lilac to Agony! (Reprise) from Sondheim's Into The Woods

SCENE: When Harry's "monster" first erupts.

HARRY (to himself):
Tapestry covered
But soon I discovered
This couple's embrace
Kissing so fiercely
Inside, claws did pierce me
While they're sucking face

Agony! No frustration more keen!
When the one girl I want
Is the one who is now kissing Dean....

RON (yelling):
Oi! That's my sister!

GINNY (yelling):
I'm not made of glass!
Y'think that I'm breakable?!
Get this straight, mister,
I don't need to ask
Permission, I'm dateable!

RON:
No, that's debatable!

HARRY (thinking again):
Agony! Is the way brother barred?
Were but I her new beau
What would Ron say? "Hell, NO!"
Would our friendship be marred?

RON (to Ginny):
Shut your mouth!

GINNY:
And your best friend snogged Krum!
I've seen you Phlegm longing
Just go get some snogging
And leave me alone!

Ginny stalks off

HARRY (thinking):
If it were not for that Dean
I'm not keen on that Dean, he's obscene
Green I'm seeing
This monster unseen wants him off of my team
Jinxed into smithereens
Into him I'll careen
Curse his spleen --

RON:
Do you think that Hermi'ne snogged Krum?

HARRY (aloud):
Krum?

RON:
KRUM!
Krum was not just pal-penning...

HARRY (to himself):
I'm with Ginny again where she was just found,
Kissing her good and sound,
Feelings for her newfound
...Potter, she's out of bounds!

Why, oh why, oh why, oh why, oh why, oh --

Agony!
Misery!
Woe!
Wish that I Ginny kissed
She crushed on me so long
Now boys chase her in throngs
Irony can't be missed
Agony that can cut like a knife
Restless sleep here tonight....

To the tune of Ghost Riders in the Sky (by Johnny Cash, et al.)

THE SCENE: Slughorn's Christmas bash. Harry rejects overtures from celebrated ghost writer Eldred Worple.

The Sluggy Club was warming up one cold and icy night
Potter, with Lovegood, entered, as the Christmas tree shone bright.
When all at once a grizzled hack named Worple came his way
A-drawin' up a contract to write an HP essay

His pal was a vampire and his fangs were really real
He soon began a-flirting, and he made fangirls to squeal
His mouth commenced to water until Worple said, "Refrain!
You'd better stick to pasties, or our work will be in Vein."

Type "E I O", Type "E I A"
Ghost writers are not shy

"The pages of your memoirs, they are sure to be a smash.
The readers of the Wizard World will shower you in cash.
You need but grant me interviews, say five or maybe six.
Our profits will go higher when they start to film the flicks."

Type "E I O", Type "E I A"
Ghost writers glorify

But Worple's hopes were shattered when he heard the Boy Who Lived:
"Exclusive rights to my bio I did Jo Rowling give.
So if you have a need to write of Harry Potter's life,
Just go online and send it free to a fanfic archive."

Type "E I O", Type "E I A"
Ghost writer, say goodbye
Ghost writer, say goodbye

To the tune of Christmas Bells from the stage version of Rent

A filk by Loki to the tune of Hey, Joe by Jimi Hendrix

SNAPE
Draco, where you goin' with that cabinet ?
Draco, I said where ya goin' with that cabinet.

DRACO
I'm goin' down to kill old Dumby now
You know he kinda messes around with the Dark Lord's plan
I'm goin' down to kill old Dumby
You know he kinda messes around with the Dark Lord's plan

SNAPE
Draco, I heard you tried the cursed ring
That Bell girl was yelling
Draco, I heard you tried the cursed ring
You almost had that Bell girl killed

DRACO
No, I didn't, I swear
You know she must have a foe no one knows about
No, I didn't, I swear
Don't try to fool me, I can handle Occlumency
Aunt Bellatrix taught me, she taught me.

SNAPE
Draco, why don't you trust me now
Trust me, you know I made the Vow
Draco, I said, why don't you trust me now
I made the Unbreakable Vow

DRACO
Well break it
I don't need your help
I have better people, alright
I don't need your help
You're tryin' to steal my glory
That's not how it's gonna be
I'm the one who'll kill old Dumby
He ain't gonna try to resist me

SNAPE
Draco, I made the Unbreakable Vow..

A filk by Randy Estes to the tune of Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer

The Scene: Bellatrix feels the holiday spirit and sings this song to young Draco one night during his Occlumency lessons.....

BELLATRIX:
Run off with Severus Snape, Dear
He's the one Narcissa chose
And if you fail the Dark Lord
He's the one whose life gets hosed

He'll help your mother's pain, dear
Cissy never called him names
She felt he'd help get you off
Death from He Who'll Not Be Named

Cause one night at Spinner's End
Severus made a vow
If Draco should lose his fight
Snape steps in to end his plight

Then Bellatrix can trust him
Once he does the dirty deed
Run off with Severus Snape, dear
He'll fulfill the Dark Lord's need!

To the tune of Send in the Clowns from Sondheim's A Little Night Music

THE SCENE: Gryffindor Common Room. RON laments his wayward love life.

RON:
Isn't that her? Should I go hide?
I'd thought that I'd be unbound
Instead I'm tied
To Lavvy Brown

I lost one who's a paragon
And now the girl who I've found
Calls me "Won-Won"
Lavender Brown
She gets me down

Just when I'd stopped being a dong
Finally getting my chance to snog all day long
Ent'ring the classroom again, I then knew I would flunk
Without my Herm
My ship is sunk

Do I love Herm?
She'd make me swoon
If only I had greater range
Than a teaspoon.
But where's Lavvy Brown?
Quick, hide me from Brown.
And make it damn soon.

Aren't I a dork? Isn't this dumb?
Wanting someone who has both
Cormac and Krum?
But where's Lavvy Brown?
I must escape Brown.
Too late, here she comes…..

A filk by R. J. Lupin to the tune of Naughty Baby from Gershwin's Crazy for You

I've used the version we did in my show, which is basically the same except we cut out the Cowboy Quartet.

SCENE: Very, very upset about Ron going out with Lavender, Hermione decides to come up to him and talk about how Lavender is so stupid.

HERMIONE:
If you want a girl without the lights on
One who cannot add up two plus two
Someone who will always call you "Won-Won"
Lavender's the girl for you

But if you'd prefer someone who's brighter
Somebody you know will always care
Pulls all nighters
Behind those books I'm there

Smart and brainy, smart and brainy
Don't you know, Ron?
If you thought your girl is her, you're such a
Moron

She will suck your face off like a dementor
Later, she will give your place to that new centaur

If you're fond of girls of blonde who know not a thing
Be prepared, their only care is to have a fling
So, you'll never have a real love 'til you see
Who's smart and brainy, smart and brainy
Just like me

We all know she wants to go to Uranus, dear
After all, at Yule Ball she got ter Seamus, here
So, you'll never have a real love 'til you see
Who's smart and brainy, smart and brainy

RON:
Smart and brainy, smart and brainy

HERMIONE:
Smart and brainy
Smart and brainy
Smart and brainy
And that's me

To the tune of I'll Be Home for Christmas.

THE SCENE: The Burrow. FRED WEASLEY sings of his newest Christmas Tree ornament.

FRED:
I'll use gnomes for Christmas,
High atop the tree
With some glue and a tutu
They'll glower down at me.

Late one night one bit me
On my ankle bone
I'll use gnomes for Christmas,
When stupefied like stone.

A filk by Anon E. Mouse to the tune of Plagues from The Prince of Egypt

The "welcome" Percy had received at home for Christmas, along with the voices of HARRY and SCRIMGEOUR discussing politics outside.

SCRIMGEOUR'S VOICE (from outside)
Just as you said:
He has returned to spread evil,
All through the land of Britain.

He brings us pestilence and plague
Into our house, into our bed
Into our streams, into our streets
Into our drink, into our bread
Upon our cattle, on our sheep
Upon our oxen in our field
Into our dreams, into our sleep
Until we break, until we yield
He brings the hex, he brings the curse.
Its getting worse.

FRED:
Once I called you brother.
Once a chance to
Help you loosen up
Was all I ever wanted.

SCRIMGEOUR'S VOICE (from outside)
Together we could still fight back
Together we might bring him down.

GEORGE:
But you chose another.
Serving as lapdog
To that guy.
Is that what you wanted?

SCRIMGEOUR'S VOICE (from outside)
Before he brings another plague,
On every street, in every town.

MOLLY:
This is your home.
All this pain and frustration.
How it tortures me inside.
Must this family be breaking
From this stubbornness and pride?

SCRIMGEOUR'S VOICE (from outside)
He brings the fog, he brings the wind
Such as the world has never seen.
He crashes bridges, crashes homes,
He is now worse than ever been.
He brings the hex, he brings the curse
Its getting worse.

RON:
You who I called brother,
Why you cause you mother such a blow?

HARRY'S VOICE (from outside)
You didn't help. You made it worse.

RON:
You should now go.

HARRY'S VOICE (from outside)
You're way off-course.

GINNY:
You who I called brother,
How did you come to hate us so?
Is this what you wanted?

HARRY'S VOICE (from outside)
You put wrong people under lock.

GINNY:
Then, you're not welcome here,
And never mind how high you plan to grow.
This will still be so.
It is now time for you to go.

HARRY'S VOICE (from outside)
Let's end this talk.

FRED AND GEORGE:
Let's end this talk.

HARRY'S VOICE (from outside)
It is the time…

FRED AND GEORGE:
Time for you to go.

And that's when food starts flying.

To the tune of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

Rufus, the lion-visaged
Had a quite determined look
That's why they made him Min'ster
After Corny got the hook

Voldy and all his minions
Struck at those whom they disliked
Rufus said, "I will stop him
When I jail Stan Shunpike."

At the Burrow, Christmas Eve,
Rufus came to say,
"Harry, you're the Chosen One -
Won't you be my hired gun?"

Now see Harry defyin'!
That's `cause he is Dumble's man.
"You may look like a lion,
But it's clear you're no Aslan!"

A filk by Lilac to the tune of Santa Baby as sung by Eartha Kitt

I imagine this is the letter that went along with that "My Sweetheart" necklace....

LAVENDER:
Won-Won baby, I hope you like this necklace I bought, "Sweetheart"
Say you'll never depart
Won-Won baby, please hurry back to snog at Hogwarts!

Won-Won honey, this means that I'm your girlfriend sincere, my dear,
It's a full-time career
Won-Won honey, please hurry back to snog at Hogwarts!

Christmas break, what fun we've missed
All these wasted moments where we haven't kissed
When you climb through that portrait hole
I don't think my actions I can control
Boo doo bee doo

Won-Won cutie, upon your arm is just where I want to flaunt
Jealous girls will look gaunt
Won-Won cutie, please hurry back to snog at Hogwarts!

Won-Won sweety, there's only one thing I really need, indeed,
Just make Hermione concede
Won-Won sweety, please hurry back to snog at Hogwarts!

Won-Won honey, now don't feel bad you only gave treats, my sweet
Next year just turn up the heat
Won-Won honey, please hurry back to snog at Hogwarts!

I really do love you true
Please tell me that you feel the same way too
You are such a Quidditch catch
Howzabout a vertical wrestling match?
Boo doo bee doo

Won-Won baby, instead of Bertie's Beans, please give me some bling
And I'll sing "Weasley's My King!"
Won-Won baby, please hurry back to snog at Hogwarts!

Hurry back to snog at Hogwarts!

Hurry...Won-Won....

To the tune of Irving Berlin's White Christmas

Harry's presents included a sweater with a large Golden Snitch worked onto the front, hand-knitted by Mrs. Weasley, a large box of Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes products from the twins, and a slightly damp, moldy-smelling package that came with a label read­ing "To Master, From Kreacher"

….."I didn't think of giving Kreacher anything. Do people usually give their house-elves Christmas presents?" asked Harry, prodding the parcel cautiously.

"Hermione would," said Ron. "But let's wait and see what it is before you start feeling guilty."

A moment later, Harry had given a loud yell and leapt out of his camp bed; the package contained a large number of maggots. "Nice," said Ron, roaring with laughter. "Very thoughtful." "I'd rather have them than that necklace," said Harry, which sobered Ron up at once.

- HBP, Chap. 16

KREACHER:
I'm wrapping up a white maggot
A present for my Master dear
It is rank and squirmy
And really wormy
And will be a fly next year

I'm wrapping up a white maggot
It wreaks of stench and of decay
May that half-breed traitorous blight
Be grossed out by putrid parasites

I'm hoping that Master's gagging
When he unwraps my Christmas gift
Let him feel disgusted -
This maladjusted
House-Elf feels awful tiffed.

I'm wrapping up a white maggot
On Christmas Day he'll see it writhe
May the Dark Lord brandish his scythe
So this elf can once again feel blithe.

A filk by Ginger to the tune of You're So Vain by the great Carly Simon

Sometime towards the latter part of HBP, Neville tries to warn Harry about Romilda Vane.

NEVILLE:
She walked in our compartment,
And she gave wooing you her best shot.
Her friends were giggling in the corridor.
They all thought that you were hot.

She had one eye cast on Luna as
Your company she sought.
Said, "Harry, dear,
Please come grace our compartment,
Grace our compartment."

Yeah, watch that Vane!
I guess she thinks there's something about you.
Watch that Vane!
I guess she thinks there's something about you.
Won't you? Won't you?

Well, you've studied Advanced Potions now,
But, boy, you're still quite naive.
When she gave to you those Choc'late Cauldrons, son,
You were so quick to believe.

Well, she gave away to win your love,
But they weren't really free.
She had some dreams
Bigger than Ton-Tongue Toffee,
Than Ton-Tongue Toffee.

Yeah, watch that Vane!
I guess she thinks there's something about you.
Watch that Vane!
I guess she thinks there's something about you.
Won't you? Won't you? Won't you?

Interlude

She had some dreams
Bigger than Ton-Tongue Toffee,
Than Ton-Tongue Toffee.

Yeah, watch that Vane!
I guess she thinks there's something about you.
Watch that Vane!
I guess she thinks there's something about you.
Won't you? Won't you?

Well, I hear you shoved the sweets into your trunk,
And so you were not undone.
But who knew your dear friend would soon munch all them down,
And be the fellow whose heart she had won?

Well, you should have binned them all that time,
Avoided a near-miss.
That underhand try
Hexed the life of a close friend,
Life of a close friend.

Yeah, watch that Vane!
I guess she thinks there's something about you.
Watch that Vane!
I guess she thinks there's something about you.
Won't you? Won't you?

Watch that Vane!
I guess she thinks there's something about you.
Watch that Vane!

Repeat and fade

A filk by Ginger to the tune of the same name by Jim Croce

The Scene: Dumbledore's office. Dumbledore has just shown Harry the doctored memory which Sluggy had given Dumbledore. Albus, knowing that he has seen a fake, gives Harry the task of getting the real one.

DUMBLEDORE:
If I had that time in a bottle
I'd learn if the story was true;
If young Tom found a way
To prevent him from passing away.
Is his soul split in two?

Has he made his days last forever?
Has he made a Horcrux or two?
Did he find a way? Did he sever and when?
My friend, I leave this task to you:

(Chorus)
'Cause it doesn't seem to be real this time.
I'll know the things I'm looking for
Once I find them.
I've been around enough to know
That you're the one Old Slug will share
His mind with. Yes, I have a bowl full of visions,
But this one just doesn't ring true.
So we've come up empty
'Til you get that memory,
My boy, I entrust this to you. (Chorus)

To the tune of Witch Doctor, the 1958 novelty hit by Ross Bagdasarian (a.k.a. David Seville of Alvin & The Chipmunks fame)

THE SCENE: The Pensieve, as HARRY & DUMBLEDORE witness SLUGHORN'S altered memory.

RIDDLE (spoken): Sir, I wanted to ask you something.
SLUGHORN: Ask away, then, m'boy, ask away....
RIDDLE: Sir, I wondered what you know about. . . about Horcruxes?

SLUGHORN: (music, through a dense fog)
Hey, no way Jose bing bang
I don't know a thing thang
Oh shux jus' my lux
No know know-a no-a Horcrux

DUMBLEDORE:
You see the Slughorn guy
With Riddle at his side
I think the Slughorn guy
Of Horcrux did confide
But now that Slughorn guy
This memory denied
For he says:

SLUGHORN: (through a dense fog)
Hey, no way Jose bing bang
I don't know a thing thang
Oh shux jus' my lux
No know know-a no-a Horcrux

DUMBLEDORE:
We see that Slughorn guy
Talk to that Riddle bloke
It seems the Slughorn guy
Now claims that he misspoke
And then the Slughorn guy
He vanished in the smoke
While saying…..

SLUGHORN: (through a dense fog)
Hey, no way Jose bing bang
I don't know a thing thang
Oh shux jus' my lux
No know know-a no-a Horcrux

DUMBLEDORE:
See how Slughorn's memory
Has clumsily been altered
He's done a deed he's wanting to keep hid
I'll send you out with this homework
And here you musn't falter:
To you he'll spill the beans, you're Lily's kid!

Segue to SLUGHORN'S Potion Class

HARRY
My friend the Dumble says
I musn't be afraid
My friend the Dumble says
I must Slughorn persuade
But when I went to him
By tongue I was betrayed
I just went:

Hey, Slug, chug-a-lug, tisk task
Lemme lemme ask ask?
Oh shux chuck-a-lucks
So tell tell me tell me Horcrux
Hey, Slug, chug-a-lug, tisk task…..
etc.

SLUGHORN flees from HARRY as the music fades out

To the tune of I Fought The Law by Sonny Curtis (later by the Bobby Fuller Four)

THE SCENE: Potions Class. Difficulties arise in the teaching of Golpalott's Third Law.

SLUGHORN:
With Golpalott, you'll stop poisons
I taught the Law of the potion
I taught the Law of the potion

HARRY:
I asked the Prince but he stayed mum
Don't get the Law of the potion
Don't get the Law of the potion

HERMIONE:
You lost your short cuts and you lost your cheats
And out of luck you've run
And by this smart girl you will get beat
I've wraught the Law of the potion
I've wraught the Law of the potion

HARRY:
Hermy's thinkin' that I'm undone
Flat at the Law of the potion
Flat at the Law of the potion

I looked for a bezoar and I found one
I'll beat the Law of the potion
I'll beat the Law of the potion

HERMIONE:
He's pleasin' Sluggy and he gets to gloat
Of fairness there is none
Just see that bezoar, it gets my goat
He cheats the Law of the potion
He cheats the Law of the potion

A filk by Cormac Slughorn to the tune of We Three Kings

WILKIE TWYCROSS:
These three D's of Apparate are
What you'll learn to travel afar.
Destination, Determination,
Don't leave behind your scar.

Oh, think of where you want to go.
Take it easy, take it slow.
Then move with Deliberation -
Sue lost her leg! Oh, no!

A filk by Murasaki to the tune of the same name by the Backstreet Boys

At Apparation lessons, SUSAN BONES stands in her hoop, missing her left leg, which stands back where she originally started.

SUSAN:
Sometimes splinching fills you up with holes
You might wonder if it causes broken bones.
It's quite painful-- and it frightens me;
I require some assistance if you please!

I tried to send myself into that wood hoop;
Apparating isn't easy as it looks.
I pray that my leg will rejoin on me,
Because without it on my body I'll be so
Incomplete.

Twycross told me, "Follow the Three D's,"
But when I started, I forgot below my knees.
"Determined," "determined"--
That's what he said.
Without my leg here, I'm surprised that I'm not dead.

I tried to send myself into that wood hoop;
Apparating isn't easy as it looks.
I pray that my leg will rejoin on me,
Because without it on my body I'll be so
Incomplete.

I don't mean to to cause a scene; it's my first time as I'm just sixteen!
I don't really don't know how to Apparate, it seems!

And now I cut my leg off, clean.

I tried to send myself into that wood hoop;
Apparating isn't easy as it looks.
I pray that my leg will rejoin on me,
Because without it on my body I'll be so
Incomplete.

Incomplete.....

A filk by Ginger to the tune of And Then He Kissed Me by the Chrystals.

The Scene: The Great Hall. Apparation training. Susan sings.

SUSAN:
Well, the notice on the board said we were to congregate in the Hall.
A good Hufflepuff girl will always give each challenge her all.
Swallowed hard to still my fright.
Concentrated with all my might.
Something didn't go quite right-
And then I splinched me.

I let out a scream and they got me back together again.
A puff of purple smoke and my leg was back the way it had been.
But I was so horrified.
First I sobbed and then I cried.
Think I'd rather go 'long-side,
Because I splinched me.

I splinched me in a way that I've never been splinched before.
If I'd had both my legs, I'd have surely been running for the door.

I'd memorized my D's and I thought I was prepared to transport.
I'm starting to think that walking is my favourite sport.
Floo is starting to look good.
Give me a broom of any wood.
I'd try a carpet if I could-
It wouldn't splinch me.

Floo is starting to look good.
Give me a broom of any wood.
I'd try a carpet if I could-
It wouldn't splinch me.

It wouldn't splinch me.

(repeat)

A filk by Roger Clendening II to the tune of Pinch Me by Barenaked Ladies

It's that time of year again
The Great Hall with all my friends
There's that stupid wooden ring
How can I get inside that thing?
Watch the wizard on the stage
I hope this skill improves with age
Make my turn as smooth as air -
Damn, how'd my leg get over there?

CHORUS:
Destination - try to remember where you're goin', then De-
Termination - how you fix your mind upon, when ya
Try to apparate beyond your front door. (Splinch me...)
Take your time - Deliberation is the style, when ya
Realize that a guy my size might take a while, just to Try to reckon what the Three D's are for.

Give me just a subtle breeze
I can fly a broom with ease
Toss Floo powder in the grate
And I will never turn up late.
Make a portkey from some trash
And I can be there in a flash
But, I try to send myself,
And leave my eyebrows on the shelf!

REPEAT CHORUS

Splinch me
Splinch me
'Cause I don't see
My feet.
Please God
Help me
How'd I lose both feet?

Well, I s'pose, you must have guessed:
I failed my Apparition Test.
My poor brain just thinks it's queer
To disappear - then reappear
Muggles can't, and they still thrive
I'll buy a car and learn to drive!
Ford Anglias run well.
Now, where's that Levitation Spell...?

REPEAT CHORUS

Try to reckon what the Three D's are for.
Try to apparate beyond your front door.
Try to reckon what the Three D's are for...

A filk by Jill to the tune of Walking on Sunshine by Katrina and the Waves

The Scene: On Ron's birthday, he mistakenly eats three chocolate cauldrons filled with love potion. Astounded, Harry watches as Ron falls under Romilda's spell...

RON:
I used to snog daily with Lav-Lav, but not anymore
And I just can't wait till Romilda returns my amour
Well I opened up the chocolate cauldrons, and then gobbled them down
Now I love Miss Vane, the most beautiful woman around

Now I've got to make her mine, oh oh!
I've got to make her mine, oh oh!
I've got to make her mine, oh oh!
Those cauldrons were good!

I used to have dreams of Hermione, and that's no longer true
If I can't be with my Romilda then I will be blue
I won't make it through the whole weekend, not even a day
Please Harry, you must introduce us without a delay

Now I've got to make her mine, oh oh!
I've got to make her mine, oh oh!
I've got to make her mine, oh oh!
Those cauldrons were good!

Got to make her mine
Got to make her mine
I feel alive, I feel a love, I feel a love, Romilda Vane
I feel alive, I feel a love, I feel a love, Romilda Vane
Gotta have her Harry, oh yeah!
Gotta have her Harry

Now I've got to make her mine, oh oh!
I've got to make her mine, oh oh!
I've got to make her mine, oh oh!
Those cauldrons were good!

A filk by Snapeguy to the tune of Maria from Bernstein's West Side Story

After taking a bite from one of Romilda's love potion tainted chocolate cauldrons, Ron suddenly feels the need to sing of all of Romilda's known, er, "virtues".

RON: (reverently) The snottiest girl that I've ever heard...

LOVE POTION: (echoing)
Romilda, Romilda, Romilda, Romilda...

RON: (still reverently)
All the swottiest sounds in the world in a single word...

LOVE POTION: (still echoing) Romilda, Romilda, Romilda, Romilda...

RON: (rhapsodizing)
Romilda!
I've heard of a girl named Romilda!
Lives up to her last name
Vain as she is Vane
Can be!
Romilda!
I barely know a girl named Romilda!
And suddenly I'm amazed
By her chocolate giving ways
To me!
The way she snubbed Harry's other friends
By telling him he didn't need to sit with them.
Romilda!
I'll never stop saying Romilda!

RON proceeds to prove this last by singing endless variations of "Romilda!" till everybody (including this filk author) wants to puke

To the tune of Walking on Sunshine by Katrina and the Waves

THE SCENE: Pomfrey's infirmary. DOBBY voluntarily agrees to assist Harry in an assignment that his Grimmauld Place counterpart will agree to only under magic coercion

DOBBY (to Harry):
He says that he never will serve you, contempt you're beneath
He wants to condemn you that way, so I knocked out his teeth
Now ev'ryone knows he's a maniac when it comes to pure blood
So if he is wantin' to fight me, my fists will go thud

I'm whacking on Kreacher, whoa oh
I'm whacking on Kreacher, whoa oh
I'm whacking on Kreacher, whoa oh
I'm whacking on Kreacher, whoa oh
Won't he feel it good, hey, let's fight now
Won't he feel it good!

You know how much Dobby does love you, I'll never fall short
And Kreacher now has to obey you, says Black's probate court
Now you tell us both to start sneakin' and follow Malfoy (ho, ho!)
I'll go without sleep for one whole week till I learn of his ploy

We're watching Lou's son whine, whoa oh
We're watching Lou's son whine, whoa oh
We're watching Lou's son whine, whoa oh
We're watching Lou's son whine, whoa oh
Won't he feel it good, hey, let's fight now
Won't he feel it good

We're watching Lou's son whine, we're watching Lou's son whine
His tails are elves, his tails are elves, his tails are elves who'll really squeal
Avail myself, avail myself
Avail myself to really squeal against Draco, Harry, oh
Oh yeah, against Draco, Harry, oh

Now we're watching Lou's son whine, whoa oh
We're watching Lou's son whine, whoa oh
We're watching Lou's son whine, whoa oh
We're watching Lou's son whine, whoa oh
Gonna tail him good, hey, all right now
Gonna tail him good

I spy it, I spy it, I spy it again, now
And won't I squeal good, hey, yeah now
And won't I squeal good, hey
Now won't I, won't I, won't I, won't I, won't I, won't I, squeal good
I spy it, I spy it, I spy it again, now……

A filk by R. J. Lupin to the tune of It Takes Two from the Broadway version of Hairspray

"No," said Myrtle defiantly, her voice echoing loudly around the old tiled bathroom. "I mean he's sensitive, people bully him too, and he feels lonely and hasn't got anybody to talk to, and he's not afraid to show his feelings and cry!"-- Moaning Myrtle, HBP pg 462 US

And on that note, here is a filk where Draco Malfoy indirectly tells Myrtle all his problems in the bathroom during HBP. It's to the tune of "It Takes Two" from the Broadway version of Hairspray, though I suppose it's all right if you've only heard the film version. The difference is that the film version doesn't include Tracy's part, although the backup singers do most of it in the last chorus.

DRACO:
They say it's a man's job, and it should be done with pride
So what better way's there to prove my worth upon this side?
But when it comes down to things I'm really terrified

And no one knows but you and I
I'm lonely and I've got to cry
You can't tell, Myrtle
You can't tell

It ain't gonna matter just how well I do in the school
So that's why I know I should go on and get rid of the fool
But when I get to work I don't think it's all that cool

Oh no, I'm afraid of this big mob
The time has come for me to sob
You can't tell, Myrtle
You can't tell

Don't you know
Father's gotten locked away
In revenge it's up to me
Snape keeps getting in my way
Now why can't he let me be?

I've worked out this plan on my own
And I'm ready for my fame
But now I'm sure that I'll fail
I'm so tired of this game

I guess in all honesty, I just don't know what to do
I dreamt it would be different, not all this crap from You-Know-Who
So come closer, Myrtle, oh, before he kills me too

MYRTLE (in loud, breathless horror):
Noooo!

DRACO (and MYRTLE):
Tell me, I've got you and you've got me (I've got you, you've got me)

That I can share here openly (You can share openly)

Listen now and know your part (I'll listen, let's not part)

Then I'll come back and pour out my heart (Please come back, pour out your heart!)

You can't tell, Myrtle

MYRTLE:
I can't tell

DRACO:
You can't tell

MYRTLE:
I won't tell

DRACO:
Or I'll give you hell

DRACO and MYRTLE:
I can't tell

A filk by Loki based (of course) on the Stones' hit.

RON
I can't get no Apparition,
I can't get no Apparition.
though I try and I try and I try and I try.
I can't get no, I can't get no.

When I'm tryin' in the Hall
And that man comes from the Ministry
And he's tellin' repeatedly
About his friggin' useless three D's
Supposed to help me to succeed
I can't get no, oh no no no.
Hey hey hey, that's what I say.

I can't get no Apparition,
I can't get no Apparition.
though I try and I try and I try and I try.
I can't get no, I can't get no.

When I'm watchin' Hermione
And she does it so easily
And Snape is laughing at me
Cause I'm not even able to Apparate in a room
I cannot even splinch
I can't get no, oh no no no.
Hey hey hey, I will one day.

I can't get no Apparition,
I can't get no Apparition.
though I try and I try and I try and I try.
I can't get no, I can't get no.

When I'm takin' the exam
And I'm doin' this and I fail so bad
And I don't get no license
Cause I left behind some stupid eyebrow of mine.
Must try again at summertime
I can't get no, oh no no no.
Hey hey hey, that's what I say.

I can't get no, I can't get no,
I can't get no Apparition,
No Apparition, no Apparition, no Apparition

A filk by Prankaholic to the tune of I'm Gonna Getcha Good by Shania Twain

Scene: Harry resolves to go after the memory from Slughorn, just as Dumbledore had instructed.

HARRY
Let's go

I've been having lessons
Alone with Dumbledore
I've seen things in the Pensieve that will be important for sure
But, a memory's been tampered with
So here is my quest
Must get the real one from Slughorn or Headmaster won't be impressed

But he won't give me, Slughorn
He's memory
Unfortunately I need it and I'll get it, you see

(I'm gonna get it)
I'm gonna get it even if it's taboo
(I'm gonna get it)
I'm gonna get it, that important clue
(Yeah you can bet it)
You can bet it that soon I will provide what he tries to hide
(I'm gonna get it)
I'm gonna get it just like Dumbledore said
(I'm gonna get it)
I'm gonna get it, then I will be ahead
(Yeah you can bet it)
You can bet it my questions will decrease with the retrieved piece
Just like I should - I'll get it good

Yeah uh uh
I know what to do now
Drink Felix Felicis
I will feel lucky and know what a Horcrux is

'Cause he won't give me, Slughorn
He's memory
Unfortunately I need it and I'll get it, you see

(I'm gonna get it)
I'm gonna get it even if it's taboo
(I'm gonna get it)
I'm gonna get it, that important clue
(Yeah you can bet it)
You can bet it that soon I will provide what he tries to hide
(I'm gonna get it)
I'm gonna get it just like Dumbledore said
(I'm gonna get it)
I'm gonna get it, then I will be ahead
(Yeah you can bet it)
You can bet it my questions will decrease with the retrieved piece
Just like I should - I'll get it good

Yeah, please give it to me, Slughorn
Remember, I'm Lily's son
I need it to kill Lord Voldemort 'cause I'm the Chosen One
Yeah yeah yeah yeah

So will you give me, Slughorn
Your memory
Unfortunately I need it and I'll get it, you see

I'm gonna get it just like Dumbledore said
(I'm gonna get it)
I'm gonna get it, then I will be ahead
(Yeah you can bet it)
You can bet it that soon I will provide what he tries to hide

Oh I'm gonna get it, I'm gonna get it real good
Yeah you can bet it, oh I'm gonna get it
(I'm gonna get it)
Just like I should I'll get it good
Oh, I'm gonna get it good!

A filk by Constance Vigilance to the tune of Walking on Sunshine by Katrina and the Waves

THE SCENE: Harry takes a swig of Felix Felicis and feels a rush of confidence. With a bounce in his step, he's off to get the memory from Slughorn!

HARRY:
Got me some Felix Felicis, it's a potion to take
When I'm heading over to Hagrid's Acromantula wake
But I've got another agenda, Headmaster requested
To capture and bottle a mem'ry that ol' Slughorn detested

I'm running on Felix, whoa oh
I'm running on Felix, whoa oh
I'm running on Felix, whoa oh
And don't it feel good, hey, all right now
And don't it feel good

That bundle of unicorn tail hairs that hang by his bed
Hagrid don't know that they're valued 10 galleons a thread
With Aragog living, we all saw a hideous spider (no no)
But now that he's dead, so it's said, he's a venom provider

So let's have some wine now, whoa oh
I'll pour you some wine now, whoa oh
We're all feeling fine now, whoa oh
And don't it feel good, hey, all right now
And don't it feel good

Don't be defensive; Add to my Pensieve (yeah)
Shed a tear into your beer by tomorrow forgotten
Have no fear, put it here, and then it's fairly gotten
No denial, Oh yeah,
It's here in the vial, Oh yeah

I'm running on Felix, whoa oh
I'm running on Felix, whoa oh
I'm running on Felix, whoa oh
And don't it feel good, hey, all right now
And don't it feel good

I say it, I say it, I say it again, now
And don't it feel good, hey, yeah now
And don't it feel good
Now don't it, don't it, don't it, don't it, don't it, don't it feel good
I say it, I say it, I say it again, now

To the tune of Pore Jud Is Daid from Rodgers & Hammerstein's Oklahoma!

THE SCENE: Hagrid's hut. FELIX'D!HARRY, HAGRID, & SLUGHORN give the late Acromantula Aragog an appropriately solemn and sober-minded send-off.

HAGRID:
Pore 'Gog is daid,
Pore Aragog is daid.
The Forest's great Webmaster is no more
He spun a mighty web
But then all his powers ebbed
Like Odo in them bygone days of yore

HARRY & SLUGHORN
Pore 'Gog is daid,
Pore Aragog is daid.
Oh, nevermore our spider friend will spin

HAGRID:
Friend will spin!

HARRY & SLUGHORN
We'll lay him 'neath the ground
Where eternal rest is found
And then he won't get et up by his kin

SLUGHORN: (speaking): Folks, we is gathered here to mourn and say farewell to Aragog, the king of the arachnids, whose long and faithful friendship those who knew you won't forget. Though your body is like to decay, your spirit lingers on in the quiet web-spun places of your forest home. As your good friend Hagrid was wont to say, you was the most misunderstood organism in all of the Forbidden Forest. People used to say you was a mean, hungry fella and they called ya a no-account webslinger and an eight-leggéd freak!

(Singing) But to folks what really knowed 'im
Like our Rubeus Hagrid as he patrolled
He was a creature worth his weight in gold

HAGRID
Although his blood ran cold-

SLUGHORN:
He so loved the human race

HARRY
It was his favorite taste -

SLUGHORN: (Speaking)
He loved the birds of the forest
And the beasts of the field,
He loved the cows and the horses in the barn,
And he thought that cats tasted like quails, and he was right!
And he loved the little children, more than anybody
Or anything in the world...Only he'd never left the corpus delecti,
So he never got convicted….

(Singing) Pore 'Gog is daid,
Pore Aragog is daid.
May he go to his reward with all due haste

HARRY & HAGRID
All due haste!

SLUGHORN:
'Tis a critter I revere with a venom that's so dear
That I guarantee no drop shall go to waste.

HARRY
Pore 'Gog is daid, our arachnid is daid,
I won't forget the day that he played host

SLUGHORN & HAGRID:
Host --

HARRY:
It's sad his spider sense of a sudden went past tense
Let's raise a cup to him in solemn toast

SLUGHORN & HAGRID (clinking glasses):
Toast!

ALL THREE:
Pore 'Gog is daid, our arachnid is daid,
Oh, why do giant spiders have to die?

FELIX'D!HARRY (aside, as he magically refills his companions' cups)
I'll let my friend to grieve
But become the Boy Who Weaves
And, spider-wise, catch Slughorn on the fly….

ALL THREE:
Pore 'Gog, pore 'Gog!

A filk by iTickleSleepingDragons to the tune of Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen

The musical version of Tom Marvolo Riddle's pensieve history

At the orphanage, Dumbledore tells Tom he's a wizard

RIDDLE:
Is this a real lie? Is this just fantasy?
Man dressed in plum suit
Offers escape from reality
Gives me some gold, wants to come and shop with me
I'm just a poor boy, I need no sympathy
Because even though I'm a kid, I'm evil like Slytherin
Anywhere the blood flows doesn't really matter to me, to me

Tom "talks to" his deceased mom, reflecting on his recent patricide

Mama just killed my dad
Put my wand against his head
Flash of green light, now he's dead
Mama, he was your husband
Stupid Muggle ditched me in utero
Mama ooh, it's a shame you had to die
When I grow up I'll conquer death forever
I'll live on I'll live on because nothing really matters

After discussing the forbidden with Horace...

Horcrux! What a brilliant plan!
Sends shivers down the spine of Slughorn, teacher mine
Goodbye, everybody, I've got to go
Gotta find some artifacts and victims
Mama, ooh, even though you're gone
The last Heir of Slytherin will live on

And the Horcrux quest begins!

I see a little silhouetto of a cup
Hufflepuff! Hufflepuff! Cuz it's got a black badger!
There's my Mummy's locket!
HEPZIBAH SMITH:
Scary flashing scarlet eyes!

Voldemort practices hexes in the mirror, as he talks to himself

Silencio Silencio Silencio Silencio Silencio Crucio Imperio
I'm just a poor boy nobody loves me
But I'm the nasty Heir of a nasty family
Sparing no lives from my monstrosity!

He must resign from his job to conquer the world; the shopowners are reluctant to say farewell to their best employee.

Mr Borgin Mr Burke it's time for me to go
BORGIN & BURKE:
Tom Riddle no! We will not let you go! I have to go!
BORGIN & BURKE:
Tom Riddle we will not let you go! It's time, you know!
BORGIN & BURKE:
Tom Riddle we will not let you go! I'm a foe!
BORGIN & BURKE:
will not let you go!
White like snow!
BORGIN & BURKE:
will not let you go! Make some dough!
BORGIN & BURKE:
Ah no no no no no no no!
Now c'mon Avery, c'mon Lestrange, c'mon Malfoy let us go!
Beelzebub and his devils are afraid of me, of me, of me!

Voldemort headbangs all the way to Dumbledore's office

DUMBLEDORE:
I've talked to the barman and know of your mob! So I think you can't have the Defense teacher job!
VOLDEMORT:
No, Albus, can't do this to me Albus!
DUMBLEDORE:
You'd better get out! You'd better get right outta my school!

VOLDEMORT:
Nothing really matters anyone can see
Nothing really matters nothing really matters to me
Anywhere the blood flows

A filk by Lilac to the tune of The Greatest Love of All by Whitney Houston

The Scene: After Tom Riddle has spoken with Slughorn about Horcruxes, he makes his way back to his dorm with a wild happiness on his face. He breaks out into song....

RIDDLE:
Immortality is in my future
Split my soul, hide pieces separate ways
Stored in items I've collected with fierce pride
My souls possessed inside these little Horcruxes
Let my cold, high laughter remind me of my final goal

Everybody's searching for a leader
People need someone to look up to
I found myself the one to fulfill their needs
A perfect place to be
And very soon my "friends" will all serve me

~CHORUS~
I decided long ago never to walk in anyone's shadow
I won't fail, I will succeed
Don't call me "Tom", I'm "Lord Voldy"!
No matter what the future brings,
I will live for eternity!

Because the Horcrux-making spell
Will happen soon to me
I found the Horcrux-making spell
To soul-split me
The Horcrux-making spell
Takes murder to achieve
Storing sextuplet souls
Using the Horcrux-making spell

I'll secure a post to teach at Hogwarts
Future minions, I'll lead them my way
While I search for soul containers on the sly
Living at Hogwarts High will make it easier
Hope that Albus Dumbledore forgets just how I used to be

~CHORUS~

And if by chance some foolish guy
Tries to usurp my reign
My Horcruxes won't let me die
I will live again!

~Lilac, who thinks of Tom as a bit of a Diva....

A filk by Jill to the tune of All About Soul by Billy Joel

THE SCENE: Lord Voldemort reflects on his good fortune of (allegedly) having seven pieces of soul tucked away for safekeeping.

That Slughorn chap is bright, he gave me information
The purpose of a horocrux and what it does contain
And he didn't ask too much, though I swear he was suspicious
He warned that death would be preferred, his warning was in vain

I've got a split soul
It's hidden in things with a magical history
I've got a split soul
And where it is hid is a seven-part mystery
It's making me strong
To cheat mortal death is my primary goal
I've hid it away
From public display
I've got a split soul

I must extend my life, and continue all my scheming
So I murdered witches, wizards and some Muggles on the way
As my essence ripped in two then I hastened to encase it
'Twas a chip off the ol' Dark Lord's block after a grand A-K

I've got a split soul
It's all about knowing that my fate I'm sealing
A seven-part soul
Because mortal death I don't find so appealing
I'm Slytherin's heir
My mark is dark, a sight to behold
My spirit is tough, and seven's enough
I've got a split soul

Well I know that I have lost every trace of human kindness
And though once I may have fallen, I made sure I still survived
And my power causes fright and it fills all my desires
And I don't need any love - that's weak - to keep my quest alive

I've got a split soul
It's all about time and a staunch quest for power
I've got a split soul
I'll make them bow and then I'll make them cower
I'll be on my guard
Guarding the parts that encompass my whole
I've got many parts, `cause I'm really smart
I've got a split soul

To the tune of The Hunting Song by Tom Lehrer

Dedicated to the memory of the two game wardens, seven hunters and the pure-bred Guernsey cow who died some 50 years ago in the making of the original song

THE SCENE: The Headmaster's Office. Having witnessed Slughorn's memory, DUMBLEDORE shares with Harry his speculations concerning Voldemort's Horcruxes.

DUMBLEDORE:
His comeback was a bummer
So I started off the summer
On a hunt for some Horcrux
As Lord Voldy ran amuck
But now I know where Voldemort did his soul-fragments stake:
Things from Founders, an old diary and a snake.

It became quite an enigma
For I truly couldn't figure
Out how Voldemort contrived
To ensure that he'd survive
But now I see with clarity things that were once opaque:
Things from Founders, an old diary and a snake.

My hand became quite blackened
Within the old Gaunt shack when
A Slytherin ring I had to defuse
It is one of age's defects, how it slows the reflex,
But now the Horcruxes are lessened by twos!

There's just one way to subdue it
And the pair of us must do it
Ev'ry `crux we must uproot - then, when Voldy runs, we shoot!
So there's four more things that the two of us must take:
Cup and locket, stuff from Godric, and a long green gruesome snake.

A filk by Cormac Slughorn to the tune of Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered from Rodgers and Hart's Pal Joey

THE SCENE: Gryffindor Commons. Katie gets out of the hospital and realizes what's happened

KATIE:
Cursed was I,
Reversed was I,
Forced to do only the worst was I;
Bewitched by an evil wizard was I.

Here I was,
Delerious,
Under a curse called Imperius;
Bewitched by an evil wizard was I.

Got hoodwinked by Dark magic;
Lost my mind for a spell.
Things were so nearly tragic,
I'm thankful all's now well.

So what's the score,
Lord Voldemort?
Was it your wish that I should kill Dumbledore?
Bewitched by an evil wizard was I!

To the tune of Bobby Darrin's Splish Splash

THE SCENE: The Sixth Floor Restroom. HARRY describes a deadly encounter with Draco, and an even deadlier encounter with Snape.

HARRY:
Sneak snap, I was checking the map
Looking for a dot of Draco
The Malfoy boy in the toilet gave an "Oy!"
Making ev'ry tear-duct to flow

As I stepped in the john, Draco pulled out his wand
I ducked a Crucio curse
From that Slytherin blonde, and then
Slish, slash! A Prince curse in a flash!
Well, how was I to know just what a Sectumsempra does?

There was a-slashing and a-slicing,
Hurting and a-spurting, bleeding and a-bleating,
Moanin' and a-Myrtlin', yeah!

As Draco writhes in time to the music, Myrtle plays a sax solo

Thunk thud, he's all drenched in blood
Myrtle gave a deafening shriek, yeah!
Ill will, I did not mean to kill
Draco M. with Half-Blood techniques

There was Sevvy Snape in a royal stew
She hurtled, Miss Myrtle, straightaway down the loo
A-well-a, slish slash, he healed up that gash
He went and used his magical charms, yay...

He was a hummin' and a healin', litany made o' dittany,
Progressin' convalescin', barring all the scarring, yeah!

Snape picks up the sax left behind by Myrtle, and plays a solo as he escorts Draco to Pomfrey's - HARRY resumes his vocal as Snape returns

Yes, he was a-glaring and a-growling,
I was Legilimencing sensing
He was inspecting and dissecting
He was accusing my perusing
He was convincing I'd been Princing
Looking through my booking
Slish, slash, yeah!

I'm not commencin' Occlumencin' (one time!)
He is a-dealing out detentions
He is a-quitting me from Quidditch
Yes, he is a-glaring and a-growling.......

To the tune of Summertime Blues by Eddie Cochran

THE SCENE: Snape's office. HARRY does detention to a 50s beat

HARRY:
When messin' with the Prince, you're apt to get some Prince-heat
I used his spell on Draco, it made him into mincemeat
Cause that curse, it got a-cuttin' and so badly he bled
Myrtle says,

MYRTLE (in a flat low voice):
Mercy me, you is killed him dead.

HARRY:
I see it's a spell I shouldn't use a'tall
'Cause there ain't no curse like the Sectumsempra

Well, ol' Sevvy Snapey scowled and he gave me quite a vexed look
Then he went and read my mind and said get all my textbooks
Well. I switched my book with Ron, but that Snape knew I fibbed:

SNAPE:
Cause you ain't got no name that sounds like Roonil Wazlib

HARRY:
I shoulda known better than a-joinin' no brawl
With a mean old curse like a Sectumsempra

For the rest of the year, Snape'll make me do detention
And he hopes Gryffindor will be knocked out of contention
I looked for some sympathy, but they said:

CHORUS OF GRYFFINDOR STUDENTS:
Ace!
We'll be a-blamin' you if we end in last place

HARRY:
I can't play with Ginny, I've a case of the blahs
All account of a curse called the Sectumsempra

A filk by Louise Freeman Davis to the tune of Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious from Mary Poppins

Harry has just cursed Malfoy in the bathroom and is looking on horrified, as Draco bleeds on the floor and Moaning Myrtle wails overhead.

HARRY:
I read about this spell in the book of the Half-Blood Prince.
It said it was “for enemies” but gave no other hints.
But since Draco’s my enemy I thought I’d try it out.
Now his blood is soaking all the floor tiles and the grout!

Oh, super Sectumsempra curse, it makes you bleed forever
Apparently its purpose is the arteries to sever,
If I’d known it did that I would not have used it ever
DRACO: (weakly):
I really wish you’d tried it first on Crookshanks or on Trevor!

Snape enters, pushes Harry aside, kneels by Draco and begins treating his wounds with his wand, “muttering an incantation that sounded almost like song.” In fact, it sounds remarkably like:

Um diddle-iddle-iddle, um diddle-aye, um diddle-iddle-iddle, um diddle-aye,
Um diddle-iddle-iddle, um diddle-aye, um diddle-iddle-iddle, um diddle-aye…

Harry, meanwhile, anticipating Snape’s later request, dashes off to hide his book.

SNAPE (to himself):
I invented Sectumsempra curse when I was just a lad
My father gave my butt a kick and told me magic's bad,
My mother tried to comfort me, she said, “Severus dear,
“You really must be careful or you’ll take off someone’s ear!”

Oh, super Sectumsempra curse, it cuts your flesh forever
As a boy I thought it was a very fine Dark Arts endeavor
I lost my book and figured no one else would read it ever
Super Sectumsempra curse, it cuts your flesh forever!

Snape realizes Draco is still bleeding and returns to knitting his wounds.

Um diddle-iddle-iddle, um diddle-aye, um diddle-iddle-iddle, um diddle-aye,
Um diddle-iddle-iddle, um diddle-aye, um diddle-iddle-iddle, um diddle-aye…

Harry has reached the Room of Requirement.

HARRY:
I’m in the Hall of Lost Things now so I can hide my book
I’ve got to put it someplace that Professor Snape won’t look
I’ll stick in in this cupboard here where it cannot be found
And mark the place with this old bust and silly worthless crown!

Oh, stupid Sectumsempra curse, it makes you bleed forever
Apparently its purpose is the arteries to sever,
Hermione will not let me forget this, oh no, never!
Stupid Sectumsempra curse, it makes you bleed forever!

Cut back to bathroom, where Snape is still tending to Malfoy.

SNAPE:
Um diddle-iddle-iddle, um diddle-aye, um diddle-iddle-iddle, um diddle-aye,

Moaning Myrtle joins in

Um diddle-iddle-iddle, um diddle-aye, um diddle-iddle-iddle, um diddle-aye…

MYRTLE:
I once hoped Harry would get killed and come and share my stall,
But clearly he is not a very nice wizard at all!
That poor boy has been crying and he seemed in so much pain
Now Potter has done murder and the blood runs down my drain!

SNAPE, DRACO AND MYRTLE:
Oh, super Sectumsempra curse, it makes deep wounds forever
DRACO:
Apparently its purpose is the arteries to sever,
SNAPE:
I’ll give Potter detention so he can’t play Quidditch ever!
DRACO:
I still wish he had tried it first on Crookshanks or on Trevor!

To the tune of Elvis Presley's Blue Christmas

THE SCENE: GINNY'S room in Gryffindor, as she reacts to the news that Harry has been suspended from Quidditch for the season.

GINNY:
I'll have to fly Quidditch without you
I'll have to snatch the Snitches without you
In detention with Snape in a damp dungeon drear
You won't be Seeker for the rest of the year.

And when those three Chasers start chasing
That's when my one pulse will be racing
You've been forced to depart, but you're still in my heart
But I'll have to fly - bye, my guy! - Quidditch

Instrumental Break

I will Ravenclaw rip, but will I gain a ship?
When I have to fly - dry my sigh! - Quidditch….

A filk by The Final Stillness of Saturn to the tune of Cher's Half Breed

HARRY:
My O.W.L.s came, and my Auror dream was no more.
Then Slughorn gave me a book from his store.
I thought I hit the jackpot with that book.
I could see the handy add-ons with just one look.

Half-Blood, it was always the same.
Half-Blood, how I've come to hate the name.
Half-Blood, Hermione knew
The book would soon haunt me for what it had me do.

I started brewing, got the best of grades.
Saw potions weren't all that The Prince had made.
When potions advice always turned out well,
Why should I ever fear to cast his spells?

Half-Blood, it was always the same.
Half-Blood, how I've come to hate the name.
Half-Blood, Hermione knew
The book would soon haunt me for what it had me do.

Saw Draco Malfoy, my known enemy.
I cast a spell to keep his curse from me.
To my horror, a slash showed on his skin.
I know not to be as my foes have been.

Half-Blood, it was always the same.
Half-Blood, how I've come to hate the name.
Half-Blood, Hermione knew
The book would soon haunt me for what it had me do.

A filk by Jason LeBouef to the tune of Walking On Sunshine by Katrina and the Waves

DUMBLEDORE:
I think that in here there's a Horcrux, well Harry I'm sure
But we just can't get into that pool, inferi galore
Now every time I swallow a goblet, it just brings me on down
Cause I just can't take this intense fear, I feel I will drown

I'm drinking that potion, yuck!
I'm drinking that potion, yuck!
I'm drinking that potion, yuck!
It makes me feel bad. Hey! Alright!
It makes me feel bad. Hey! Yeah

I have to drink all of this bad stuff, it's sad but it's true
But I don't want to lose what's in sight, I'm depending on you.
I got to get back to the tower, death eaters at play, I just know
Now Harry I just need your help, just want to hear you say…

HARRY:
Albus,
Keep drinking that potion, yeah
Keep drinking that potion, yeah
Keep drinking that potion, yeah

DUMBLEDORE:
It makes me feel bad! Hey. Alright
It makes me feel bad! Yeah, oh yeah
It makes me feel bad!

Drinking that potion
Drinking that potion
I'm gonna die, I feel the fear, I feel the fear, it's really real
I'm gonna die, I feel the fear, I feel the fear, it's really real
On that potion, Harry, oh!, oh no
On that potion, Harry, oh!

I'm drinking that potion, yuck!
I'm drinking that potion, yuck!
I'm drinking that potion, yuck!
It makes me feel bad. Hey! Alright!
It makes me feel bad. I say it, I say it, I say it again now
It makes me feel bad Hey yeah now
It makes me feel bad I'm drowning drowning drowning drowning drowning
It makes me feel bad I say it, I say it, I say it, I say it again now….

A filk by Jason LeBouef to the tune of Ring Of Fire by Johnny Cash

Note:Too easy. The words "ring of fire" are in the book describing the scene.

HARRY:
Death is a gruesome thing
And it has an evil sting
Trapped in a cavern dire
Dumbledore made a ring of fire

Dumbledore made a burnin' ring of fire
And the hands went down as the flames went higher
And it shields, shields, shields
The ring of fire, the ring of fire

DUMBLEDORE:
This place, Inferi meet
Through fire they will retreat

HARRY:
We'll get out of this place so vile
Oh, just a little while

Dumbledore made a burnin' ring of fire
And the hands went down as the flames went higher
And it shields, shields, shields
The ring of fire, the ring of fire

A filk by Ginger to the tune of Thriller by Michael Jackson

The scene: The cave. Harry has forced Dumbledore to drink the green goo.

HARRY:
You've drained the basin,
And now you're needing water from the lake.
You'd put your face in,
But instinct tells you that is a mistake.
You try to scream,
And aguamenti's futile; you must face it.
Water's a dream,
And once you touch the lake, you realize:
It's your demise.

'Cause this is Horcrux, Horcrux night.
And no one's gonna save you
From th' inferi left and right.
'Cause this is Horcrux, Horcrux night.
You're fighting for your life to get a Horcrux,
No lux, tonight.

Magical drink banned,
The lake's the only place where waters run.
You feel the cold hand,
And then you realize what you have done.
You see their eyes,
A horror that's beyond imagination.
Your memory fries.
Inferi start to creep up from behind.
You've lost your mind.

'Cause this is Horcrux, Horcrux night.
They're coming by by the score,
And there's no chance to set it right.
'Cause this is Horcrux, Horcrux night.
You're fighting for your life to get a Horcrux,
No lux tonight.

Out of the pool-
(Where is Paula Abdul to teach promanade?)
If they were dancin'
We might have a chance to flee in time.
The walls I climb.
This is LV's perfect crime.

You try the old spells,
But more keep coming in on every side.
Your nightmare's worst hells,
You wonder if your Headmaster has died.
But just in time,
He comes around and casts a ring of fire.
He's so sublime.
He boards the boat and you cast off to sea.
Now you are free.

It was a Horcrux, Horcrux night.
And you're with Dumbledore
So there's no cause to shake or cry.
Yeah, it's a Horcrux, Horcrux night.
So you just hang on tight,
And have a Horcrux, no lux, soul tucks,
This sucks! here tonight.

DUMBLEDORE (a la Vincent Price):
Darkness rules Tom Riddle's land.
Hold tight your wand within your hand.
Creatures out to suck your blood
Are lurking in the salt and mud.
Remember, Harry, if you're found,
A ring of fire to cast around.
If it is cast, all's good and well,
But if it's not, you're doomed to hell.

Their soulless eyes all seem to stare.
Their bony hands are everywhere.
They rise up from their liquid tomb
To seal your fate and bring your doom.

And though we managed to survive,
As I could Accio lux,
There's more than one way to deprive
The Dark Lord of a Horcrux.

A filk by Randy Estes to the tune of Got to Get You Into My Life by the Beatles

The Scene: Dumbledore and Harry make a late night trip to Voldemort's cave....

HARRY:
We were alone, We found a cave,
We didn't know what we would find there
There was a lake, we found a boat, you know I think I
Saw a hand there

Ooh, there's dead people beneath us
Ooh, there's a bowl filled with green stuff
Dumbledore says he just wants to drink!

He took a drink, I don't know why
He told me I must make him drink more
But as he drank, a look of fear went through is eyes
But still he drank more!

Ooh, as he finished the last drop
Ooh, He collapsed and my heart stopped
Please don't let him die here this way!

Got to get him back to Hogwarts!

He asked for water, I plunged a goblet
Into the lake and tipped it up to his cold lips there
But then a hand came from the lake
And grabbed my arm and held me back there.

Ooh, the dead bodies are coming
Ooh, my spells aren't very stunning
Dumbledore shot flames from his wand

Got to get us back to Hogwarts!
Got to get us back to Hogwarts!

A ring of fire kept them away
We somehow rowed back cross the lake there
Dumbledore's weak, he leans on me, I use my blood to
leave the cave there

"Don't worry, I'll help you"
He's not afraid: "I am with you"

To the tune of Hernando's Hideaway, from the musical The Pajama Game

THE SCENE: The Astronomy Tower. DUMBLEDORE makes Draco an offer that he will neither be able to refuse or accept.

DUMBLEDORE:
So drop your dark deluded plan
Just flee from Voldy's frying pan.
Abandon him while you still can
And I will Draco hide away, OK?

Your options we will now discuss
You and your folks can stay with us.
We'll keep you all anonymous
And we will Malfoys hide away, OK?

Though the secret cabinet has shown that you've some skill
When it's down to brass tacks, you've not the heart to kill
So if you go with my scheme from Voldy you'll be cut
And my mercy, as you will see,
Shall save your butt.

We'll make it seem as if you're dead
So you cannot be located
In British books this won't be read
My plan to Draco hide away, OK!

A filk by JustJeanette to the tune of Layla by Eric Clapton and Jim Gordon

DUMBLEDORE:
What'll you do when they are hunting?
And nobody believes you're on our side?
You been serving, and spying much too long.
You know your are my pride.

[Chorus:]
Severus, I'm falling to my knees.
Severus, I'm begging, saying please.
Severus, won't you ease passing now.

I tried to give Harry information
But I fear I've let you down.
Like a fool, he'll not trust in you,
Please hunt the Horocruxes down

[Chorus]
Severus, I'm falling to my knees.
Severus, I'm begging, saying please.
Severus, won't you ease passing now.

Let's make the best of the situation
For I'll soon die anyway.
Please don't say you'll never find a way
And tell me death is not in vain.

[Chorus]
Severus, I'm falling to my knees.
Severus, I'm begging, saying please.
Severus, won't you ease passing now.

To the tune of Why Did I Listen to That Man?, from the musical Urinetown

Thanks to Constance Vigilance for the idea!

THE SCENE: The Astronomy Tower. A re-enactment of Dumbledore's defenestration from Urinetown's denouement.

ALECTO (to DRACO)
You've got to finish off that man
You've got to carry out
The Dark Lord's evil plan
You must polish
Off, abolish
And demolish
That old man
You've got to cut off his life span

DRACO
Why do I tremble so and shake?
He's at my mercy now, this Headmaster I'll break
But I am swaying
And delaying
How dismaying
As I quake!
Am I unworthy of the Snake?

DUMBLEDORE (spoken)
They lied to you, Draco! They told you "payback," then they sent you Greyback. That's what they did, Draco! That's what they did!

ALECTO, AMYCUS, BRUTAL-FACED MAN & GREYBACK (music)
Now we've finally got you!
That you can be sure!
Captured by Death Eaters
With fur!

There's no Phoenix Order
There is no way out
Now the Dark Lord wins in
A rout!

You'll be Light'ning Struck!
Towers will be Light'ning Struck!
Hogwarts will be Light'ning Struck!
You've met your end!

DUMBLEDORE (spoken)
Good evening, Amycus - and you've bought Alecto, too…..Charming….

AMYCUS (spoken)
Your jokes won't be saving you now, Dumbledore.

DUMBLEDORE (spoken, to GREYBACK)
I can't say I'm pleased to see you.

GREYBACK (spoken)
Oh, no?! I like kids! Your kids! And more kids! And you for afters!

(music) Why do we trust this to Malfoy?
He lacks a killer's heart
He's just a mama's boy
If You-Know Who's
Plan goes askew,
What shall we do,
Who will destroy
If we cannot Draco deploy?

Why don't you give to me the task?

BRUTAL-FACED MAN
We've gotta do what Voldy asked

GREYBACK
If I rip out his throat
In glory I will bask.

AMYCUS
Our Lord proposed…

BRUTAL-FACED MAN
That Draco close…

ALECTO
Dumble's repose…

ALECTO, AMYCUS & BRUTAL-FACED MAN
With his death mask!
So he has got to do -

Inexplicably, the BRUTAL-FACED MAN dialogues with the invisible and paralyzed HARRY

HARRY (spoken)
So what's he's supposed to do, this "Severus" you all think so highly of?

BRUTAL-FACED MAN (spoken)
Perhaps it's better if he "shows" you.

HARRY (spoken)
Wait a minute, Dumbledore's going to get thrown off this tower and his killer's supposed to be Severus?! Death by Severus?!

BRUTAL-FACED MAN (spoken)
There's multiple interpretations.

HARRY (music)
Why did he listen to that git?
How could he ever think
That Snape would go legit?
Though paralyzed
I'm not surprised
That Dumbledore's
Been compromised.
Why did he listen to that git?

DUMBLEDORE (to SNAPE, simultaneous with below)
Why don't you listen to my pleas?
It's time for you to act
On all your guarantees.
You must do next
Inside this text
Though readers might become
Perplexed.

ALECTO & AMYCUS (simultaneous with above)
There's no Fawkes or Harry
Nothing to debate
Dumbledore must learn to
Be late.

SNAPE prepares to cast the Avada Kedavra curse

ALL (except SNAPE)
His wand now glistens with an….

ALECTO
A….

AMYCUS
K….

GREYBACK & BRUTAL-FACED MAN
Ray…...

SNAPE/HARRY & DRACO
My/His wand now glistens with an…..

DUMBLEDORE (falling from the Tower)
Pleeeeaaaaasssss!!!!!

Splat!

SNAPE (spoken, calmly)
Let's run like bloody hell, Mr. Malfoy. You know the drill.

A filk by Salazar to the tune of Oogie Boogie's Song from Elfman's The Nightmare before Christmas

The scene is the aftermath of DUMBLEDORE's death. SNAPE has just ended his flight and is now engaged in his mockery of a duel with HARRY.

SNAPE (spoken)
Well, well, well…
What have we here?
James' son, huh? Oooohhh….I'm really scared!
Well, go on, Potter, go on and curse me!

He blocks all the curses

Hahahaha!

(Sung) You're foolish, you're foolish
You're losing this fight fast
You're such a fool that as a rule,
You can't wordlessly cast!
I'm blocking, you're losing
You've really got not class
I'm so glad that I finally get to kick your stupid ass!

That textbook you had is mine,
I've known it ever since
You cast that curse! Well, here's some news -
Kid, I'm the Half-Blood Prince!
And your simplistic casting
Has me gettin' awful bored…
Potter, this is the last time
You screw with the Dark Lord!
Whoaaaaa
Whoaaaaa
Whoaaaaa
Whoaaaaa
Whoaaaaa
Whoaaaaa
Potter, I'm the Halfblood Prince!

Don't you call me a coward!
It's your bloody stupid pride…
It blinds you to the simple truth,
I'm on the winning side!
And don't you know the one thing
That the Dark Lord would adore?
One more annoying Boy-Who-Lived
Six feet under the floor!
Whoaaaa
Whoaaaa
Whoaaaa
Whoaaaa
Whoaaaa
YEAH!
Potter, I'm the Halfblood Prince!

HARRY
You rotten man,
You evil git!
Man, how we tried to bust you…
I always knew that Dumbledore
Had no reason to trust you!

SNAPE
HA!
Well, Potter,
Well, Potter
Your magic just gets worse
You lack the skill or the resolve
To really ever curse!
You're truly pathetic
I'd beat you in my sleep!
The trouble you've been sowing,
It's time for you to reap!

At this point the battle escalates further

SNAPE (cont)
Whooaaaaaaa
The sound of evil spells to me,
It warms my blackened heart
'Cause I'm a nasty Half-Blood Prince
Who loves his dear Dark Arts!
It's much more fun, I must confess
If someone should die
Too bad the Dark Lord wants to be
The one who makes you fry!

POTTER
You're evil, sir,
And that's for sure!
You bloody, stinking murderer!

SNAPE
Oh, Potter, so simple
Is that the best you've got?
You think you're a hard-hitter,
But you're really just a sot!
It's hopeless, I'm sorry,
But these words I won't mince…
'Cause you're just a little bastard
And I'm the damn Half-Blood Prince!

To the tune of the beloved Christmas classic God Rest Ye Merry, Hippogriffs

THE SCENE: Before Hagrid's hut - in the chaos following Dumbledore's murder, an unexpected ally intervenes on Harry's behalf.

BUCKBEAK:
I am a scary hippogriff
To those I mark as prey
I now shall target Snapey
As he makes his getaway
I have a special screech reserved
For his young protégé
Colliding with Snape and Malfoy
Snape and Malfoy
Colliding with Snape and Malfoy

Three years ago at Hogwarts School
I nearly lost my head
That Malfoy lad told lies of me
Of how his blood was shed
But thanks to Harry and to Herm
With Sirius I fled
Oh, riding from Snape and Malfoy
Snape and Malfoy
Oh, riding from Snape and Malfoy

I spent a year at Grimmauld Place
Where Harry fed me rats
And with the name of Witherwings
Returned to my old flat
Let Snapey hurl his worst hex
I'll best him in combat
I'm gliding at Snape and Malfoy
Snape and Malfoy
I'm gliding at Snape and Malfoy

To the tune of Run For Your Life by the Beatles

THE SCENE: The base of the Great Tower. HARRY recovers the locket from Dumbledore's body

"Automatically, without really thinking about what he was doing, Harry pulled out the fragment of sheet music, opened it, and sang by the light of the many wands that had now been lit behind him……"

"Well I got past all your dead, Riddle Lord
And I learned how to float your boat
You oughta be filled with dread, Riddle Lord
As you read my written gloat

"I've gotten one of your lives from the cave, Riddle Lord
A Horcrux you can't save, Riddle Lord
14% toward your grave
And your end - Riddle Lord

"Well, I know that you're a wicked guy
And you will kill with an ill intent
Though I might lose my poor life,
Dying's worth it to make you lament

"I've gotten one of your lives from the cave, Riddle Lord
A Horcrux you can't save, Riddle Lord
14% toward your grave
And your end - Riddle Lord

"All your DE vermin
Won't suffice to save your soul
Voldy, you'll be squirmin'
When you learn what I have stole

"I've gotten one of your lives from the cave, Riddle Lord
A Horcrux you can't save, Riddle Lord
14% toward your grave
And your end - Riddle Lord

"Well I got past all your dead, Riddle Lord
And your Horcrux I will destroy
You oughta be filled with dread, Riddle Lord
Just as I am filled with joy

"I've gotten one of your lives from the cave, Riddle Lord
A Horcrux you can't save, Riddle Lord
14% toward your grave
And your end - Riddle Lord
R. A. B.
R. A. B.
R. A. B.
R. A. B.……"

A filk by Constance Vigilance to the tune of Hey There from the Broadway musical The Pajama Game (as popularized by Rosemary Clooney)

Hey, Zair is a sentimental ballad which made me think of Fleur singing to Bill that she would love him even after his attack by Fenrir. Actually, we have two women in love with victims of ol' Fenrir.

FLEUR:
Hey, zair
You wi' ze scars near your eyes
He might have made a wolf of you
We'll know ze next moonrise.

TONKS:
Hey there
Come and be my alpha male
Tell me that I haven't said too much
And I won't mind when you shed too much

BOTH:
Walk down the aisle
Me in my white bridal finery
All of our friends there to witness
Him in his best caninery.

It wasn't your fault
This secret you've carried
You were a victim of sneak attack
A bite by Fenrir Greyback.
(And I won't give ze diamond back)
So let's get married!

To the tune of Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again from Lloyd Webber's Phantom of the Opera

THE SCENE: Before the tomb of Albus Dumbledore, HARRY speaks to Ron & Hermione of his Year Seven plans

HARRY (spoken): I've got to go after the seventh bit of Voldemort's soul, the bit that's still in his body, and I'm the one who's going to kill him. And if I meet Severus Snape along the way....so much the better for me, so much the worse for him......

HARRY (as if addressing Snape):
You have been
My great tormentor
You made yourself hated
Then you slew
My greatest mentor
And you celebrated

Wishing I could
See you sneer again
Wishing I could
See you sneer
I would erase
Every trace
Of it from ear to ear

Wishing I was
In your class again
Hearing you say,
"Call me 'sir'!"
You may assume
A swift certain doom
Is what you would incur

Taking points
And scathing comments
All your condescension
Are for you
No longer weapons
No more damned detentions!

During the instrumental bridge, HARRY looks up several spells in Hermione's library book titled Magick Moste Evile, whilst taking copious notes

And what I'll shove
Down in your throat
Won't have an antidote!

HARRY performs the Sonorus Spell on himself so he can render the spectacular climax with full justice

Wishing I could
See you sneer again
In a place you
Cannot run
Killing Voldy's
My destiny
You I'll do in
For fun!

Like your old buddy
Said to "Kill the spare,"
If I ever detect
You as a pair
We'll have a
Rerun……..

A filk by Ginger to the tune of Danny Boy

Oh, Dumbledore, the phoenix song is sounding.
From castle wall, down to the forest wide.
For you have gone on to your next adventure,
You go, you go on to the other side.

But you'll be back, a portrait in your office,
Or memories, in Penseives bright will glow.
Tis as you said - our loved ones never leave us.
Oh, Dumbledore, Oh, Dumbledore, we love you so.

So now you hear your staff and students crying,
And all your friends are sad as they can be.
Your tomb so white, the flames and one bird flying.
We see it fly, and know your soul is free.

And we shall heed your caring words so lovely:
"I'll never leave, not gone shall truly be.
I'll still be there, within your heart to guide thee,
As long as someone there is loyal still to me.

As long as someone there is loyal still to me...."

A filk by ewe2 to the tune of Walking on Sunshine by Katrina and the Waves

The Scene: Harry is about to set off to save the world, and says to Ginny as he is about to leave:

HARRY:
I know you think badly of Voldy, but baby it's cool
And I'm not gonna wait till he jumps me, I'm nobody's fool
This time I'll go search for a way to bring the guy down
And I won't stop a lookin' till all his soul's pieces are found

Now I'll hunt for a Horcrux, whoa oh
What shape is a Horcrux, whoa oh
Have you got a Horcrux, whoa oh
And don't it feel weird hey, alright now
And where do I start? hey, alright now

I know we've got business with Snape now oh boy is that true
And it hurts so to leave you behind but you know why I do
I can't make no promise to keep that I'll come back okay, no no no
But there's one ex-Potions teacher that won't be alive anyway

But I'll hunt for a Horcrux, whoa oh
There's so many Horcrux, whoa oh
Dung sold all my Horcrux, whoa oh
And don't it feel bad hey, alright now
And am I annoyed? Yes! alright now

Huntin' for Horcrux, huntin' for Horcrux, yeah

I feel a chill, I'm feeling ill, it's just Dementors chasing me
I feel a chill, I'm feeling ill, it's just Dementors chasing me
There's a Horcrux baby, oh, oh yeah, another Horcrux baby, oh
I'm huntin' for Horcrux, whoa oh (3x)

And don't it feel weird (repeat and fade)

ewe2, who has Horcrux issues evidently

A filk by Randy Estes to the tune King of Pain by Sting and the Police

HARRY:
There's a Death Eater's mark in the Sky today.
It's a symbol that Dumbledore has gone away.
There's a teacher that's caught in a spinner's web.
Cause his job is now done and his headmaster's dead.

I have stood here before when I first used my wand
And faced a man in a turban with the Sorcerer's Stone
I guess I'm always hoping that this battle is done
But it's my destiny to be the Chosen One!

There's a lightning bolt scar on my aching head.
That's my soul's despair.
It's the one that I got on the night I dread.
That's my soul's despair.
There's a flash of green light and my mother's dead.
That's my soul's despair.
Because she yelled at her foe: "to just take her instead!"
That's my soul's despair.

I have stood here before with my best friend Ron.
Against Tom Riddle's Diary whose memory is now gone.
I guess I'm always hoping that this battle is done
But it's my destiny to be the Chosen One!

There's a Man and a Dog who just fell through the veil
That's my soul's despair.
And he'd already suffered twelve long years in jail
That's my soul's despair.
He was wrongly accused of both my parents' deaths
That's my soul's despair.
And it seems I lost him too soon after we first met
That's my soul's despair.

I have stood here before with all my loved ones gone
And now I'm staring blindly at the setting sun
I guess I'm always hoping that this battle is done
But it's my destiny to be the Chosen One!

There's a basilisk corpse with his eyes torn out
There was a Mad Eye Moody who was Barty Crouch
There's a rich man sleeping in a prison cell
And his son's afraid to cast the AK spell.

There's a werewolf who has now lost his three best friends.
That's my soul's despair.
There are a lot of us wondering how the story ends.
That's my soul's despair.

There's a Death Eater's Mark in the Sky today
It's a symbol that Dumbledore has gone away!

I have stood here before to hear the Phoenix song
But I think he flew off now that Dumbledore's gone
I guess I'm always hoping that this battle is done
But it's my destiny to be the Chosen One!

Chosen One
I must fight on! Chosen One!
I`ll always be the Chosen One!

A filk by The Final Stillness of Saturn to the tune of Melissa Etheridge's song by the same name.

RON:
Please, Harry, can't you see,
Know you have to face Hell
With Death Eaters a-willin' and hurtin' and killin'
Your companions as well.
But let me tell you
That we will be at your side.
We'll be with you no matter what, although we
Can't all make it alive.

HARRY:
I know that you just want to help with the fight;
I just don't want you to face the Dark Lord's green light.
So I'm the only one
Who'll walk out of the battle to him.
And I'm the only one
Who'll hold a wand pointed at him.
So when your fear, it makes you run,
I'll face what I've been hiding from.
I'll be the "Chosen One" that night.
I'm the only one.

HERMIONE:
Please, Harry, can't you see?
We're trying to explain.
We've faced him before, and we've seen all the gore.
Don't make us go through this again.
Our pasts and hearts and minds will make us stand by you.
We'd learn all your lessons and follow to earth's end
To help to get you through.

HARRY:
I know that you just want to help with the fight;
I just don't want you to face the Dark Lord's green light.
So I'm the only one
Who'll walk out of the battle to him.
And I'm the only one
Who'll hold a wand pointed at him.
And if your fear won't make you run,
I'll be sure that you cannot come.
I'll be the "Chosen One" that night.
I'm the only one.

A filk by The Final Stillness of Saturn to the tune of Blink 182's Action (I'm Feeling This)

Set at the very end of or just after HBP

HARRY/(RON & HERMIONE)
We've got to drop out of school. (We're fightin' him.)
The war has hit close to home. (We're fightin' him.)
Battle is all up hill. (We're fightin' him.)
We're gonna fight on our terms. (We're fightin' him.)
Show you just what to do. (We're fightin' him.)
Gotta use all your skill. (We're fightin' him.)
Winning is just so far. (We're fightin' him.)
This is more than just a thrill. (We're fightin' him.)

Prophesy is true.
It will be us versus evil.
War would come we knew.
Prophesy is fulfilled.

Where do we go from here?
Get all your wands out now.
Death Eaters always near. (We're fightin' him.)
I don't want Ron to get hurt. (We're fightin' him.)
Know Hermione's set. (We're fightin' him.)
Know we'll chase the leads we hear. (We're fightin' him.)
We're taking this way too slow. (We're fightin' him.)
Can't run away from here. (We're fightin' him.)

Prophesy is true.
It will be us versus evil.
War would come we knew.
Prophesy is fulfilled.

Prophesy is true.
It will be us versus evil.
War would come we knew.
Prophesy is fulfilled.

Hogwarts cannot be the same again after they came and fought.
Think they took what they sought, his life was lost to the war.
Standing here now, looking back on that fateful night
Know we must set things right.

Look to the past and think of our fam'lies,
So that if we lose we die with our memories.
We all may not live. We'll still be tryin' to win,
But then all that we know is we have to keep fightin' this war.

Prophesy is true.
It will be us versus evil.
War would come we knew.
Prophesy is fulfilled.

Prophesy is true.
It will be us versus evil.
War would come we knew.
Prophesy is fulfilled.

Prophesy is true.
It will be us versus evil. (So close yet so far away.)
War would come we knew.
Prophesy is fulfilled. (So close yet so far away.)

Prophesy is true. (Now they've struck, so we're fightin'.)
It will be us versus evil. (So close yet so far away.)
War would come we knew. (Now they've struck, so we're fightin'.)
I'll leave when I wanna (So close yet so far away.)

Prophesy is true. (Now they've struck, so we're fightin'.)
It will be us versus evil. (So close yet so far away.)
War would come we knew. (Now they've struck, so we're fightin'.)
Prophesy is fulfilled. (So close yet so far away.)