Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

A filk by Motone to the Prologue from the musical Ragtime

HARRY POTTER
Fifteen years ago Father and Mother were killed in their house and I was sent to Little Whinging, Surrey, and before I attended Hogwarts, it seemed that my life would be nothing but misery.

WIZARDS AND WITCHES
The skies were dark and stormy
Evil was here. Evil was there

WITCHES
Ah ah ah ah ah!

WIZARDS AND WITCHES
The Dark Mark hung before me
Everyone fear everything there

WIZARDS
Ah ah ah ah!

ALL
And there was distant scheming
Evil and darkly abhorred
Giving the nation
A new thing for hatin'

The Death Eaters called him Dark Lord!

VOLDEMORT
Voldemort was alive. Very alive. His considerable lack of death was derived from the blood he stole from Harry Potter, as well as the support he had from his evil accomplices. Voldemort was also something of a snake.

SIRIUS BLACK
The house in the middle of Grimmauld Place was Sirius' domain. Molly took pleasure in making it inhabitable for the Order of the Phoenix. Sirius often told himself how much he hated the place and that he wanted to get back out into the world.

RON WEASLEY
Harry Potter's best friend Ron went to Hogwarts with Harry. He was a genius at chess. But he was also a young Prefect in search of some talent at Quidditch. His best friend wondered when he would find it.

SIRIUS' MOTHER
Sirius' mother had been a dark, Slytherin witch. Now dead and living in her portrait, she was thoroughly irritated by everything.

WITCHES AND WIZARDS
The lies were quickly printed
Harry's insane, Voldemort's gone.

SIRIUS
Kreacher with all my stuff

HARRY
The ball with wings of fluff

DEATH EATERS
Voldemort's such a stud
There will be no Mudbloods.

And everything was Dark Lord!
Listen to the Dark Lord!

UMBRIDGE
In Hogwarts, wizards and witches of disobedience remembered their problems and listened to and honored the rules of High Inquisitor Umbridge. This was a power that was her and no one else's.

FRED AND GEORGE
Two wizards thought her rules were daft. Their names were Fred and George.

STUDENTS OF HOGWARTS
Ooooh...

DUMBLEDORE
Albus Dumbledore was probably the oldest wizard in the country. He fought against Voldemort and spoke of the war in the future. He had no patience for the bumblings of the Ministry.

DEATH EATERS
Killing and torturing,
Azkaban escaping.
There'll be no Mudbloods
And there'll be no Muggle-borns.

SNAPE
In Hogwarts, a boy dreamed of a secret door in the Ministry. It was a dark journey, a terrible one. He had to open the door as others could not. His name was Harry Potter. He never spoke of his dreams. I was the only one who knew. Together, we would fight it.

HARRY
Arthur Weasley! They're killing him!

WEASLEYS
Oh.. no!
Oh.. no!

SIRIUS
Sirius Black was just one of the many wizards to secretly be in the Order of the Phoenix, along with Arthur Weasley. They were all very secretive.

SIRIUS' MOTHER
FILTHY HALFBLOODS! CREATURES OF FILTH! BLOOD TRAITOR!

SIRIUS
He made his mother mad. But for all his work, he knew he was a wanted man. He wanted to leave the house.

Hello, Harry.

HARRY
Watch out, Sirius!

UMBRIDGE
What did you say?

DA
And there was growing hatred
Changing the staff, changing our minds

DEATH EATERS
Giving the nation
Some new trepidation

WIZARDS AND WITCHES
Ah, ah, ah.

DEATH EATERS
La, la la.

LUCIUS MALFOY
Certain men make a country great.

DRACO
They can't help it.

LUCIUS
At the very apex of Slytherin Pureblood-

DRACO
That's the only ones worth living-

LUCIUS
Like Slytherin's heir, stand the Death Eaters.

DRACO
And the Heir himself.

LUCIUS
No men are born equal.

DRACO
And the purebloods rise to the top!

Flashback in the Penseive

LILY EVANS
Let me at those ignorant berks! Those gits are the ones who ruin everything at Hogwarts! I hate them!

REMUS LUPIN
Someone should date that woman!

LILY
The model student Lily Evans was the only one to stand up to the Gryffindor bullies, James Potter and Sirius Black, as she watched Severus Snape's despair turn to the Dark Arts in the dungeons of Hogwarts.

CHO CHANG
La la la
La la la la
Whaaa!

HERMIONE GRANGER
But Harry was watching another drama.

CHO CHANG
Cho Chang was the most beautiful girl in Hogwarts, according to Harry. If she played Quidditch, Harry played Quidditch.

HARRY
Her boyfriend was the eminent champion, Cedric Diggory, Seeker of the Hufflepuff team. Her crusher, the "eccentric" teenager, Harry Potter, was a brave man.

CHO CHANG
After Voldemort blasted her boyfriend, Cho became the saddest girl in Hogwarts since Moaning Myrtle.

WITCHES
La la la la la

VOLDEMORT
Ava...

WITCHES
La la la

VOLDEMORT
..da Ke...

WITCHES
La

VOLDEMORT
...davra!

CHO CHANG
And although the newspapers called the boy the Maniac of the Century, Cho Chang knew that Harry was right

ALL
And Voldemort was coming back!

CHO CHANG
Whaaa!

DEATH EATERS
And there was us escaping
Catching the nation off-guard
Mudbloods and Muggle-borns
They'll die and we won't mourn
Bowing to the Dark Lord!

ORDER OF THE PHOENIX
And there is secret movement
Skipping a beat, singing a dream

WITCHES OF THE ORDER
La la la la

ORDER OF THE PHOENIX
A strong, insistent movement
Putting out heat
Picking up steam

WIZARDS OF THE ORDER
La la la la

DEATH EATERS
The sound of nearing power
Suddenly building our horde!
It was the power
Of a new beginning
A prophecy crashing
The Death Eaters winning
With money and masks
And evil and sword
We bow down to our Dark Lord...

Dark Lord!
Dark Lord!

Dark Lord!

A filk by Shay Caron to the tune of Angry White Boy Polka by "Weird Al" Yankovic

Scene: A stage suitable for the presentation of a play, with two sets of curtains -- the left Gryffindor-red, the right Slytherin-green -- both drawn shut. Mad-Eye Moody steps out to the center of the stage and faces the audience (i.e., you).

MOODY: I have been asked to inform the audience that tonight's presentation is a medley of scenes from the recently-released book Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, not necessarily in any intelligible order. If you have not yet read that book, what are you doing reading this, you idiot? You've got to be careful of spoilers! CONSTANT VIGILANCE, I tell you! [pause] Thank you.

Moody walks off-stage. The lights dim.

We begin on the left side, where the curtains open on our hero, Harry Potter, sitting in an empty classroom with hellspawn -- er, I mean, Hogwarts teacher Dolores Umbridge. Harry writes "I will not tell lies" on a sheet of parchment and winces as the words cut themselves into the back of his hand.

[Last Resort/Papa Roach]
HARRY: Cut my flesh into ribbons
This is my detention
Suffer desanguination
Don't give a --
UMBRIDGE: HEM!
HARRY: -- for her bloody fixation
This is my detention
But I'll never give up, never give in
Tell the truth, I'm not lettin' her win
I don't want fame, I never lied
It was no accident that Ced died
Nothing's alright, nothing is fine
'Cause Voldemort's alive now

The red curtains close. On the right side of the stage, the green curtains open on the Gryffindor fifth-year male dorm, where Harry has just woken up from a nasty dream.

[Chop Suey!/System Of A Down]
HARRY: Wake up!
RON: Wake up?
HARRY: Suddenly I dreamt an evil snake up
Started chewin' Mr. Weasley's leg up
RON: Started chewin' Mr. Weasley's leg up?!
HARRY: Now I really think that he's in danger
MCGONAGALL: [rushes in] Here you go, create another fable
HARRY: (Get Dumbledore!)
MCGONAGALL: Suddenly you dreamt an evil snake up?
HARRY: (Get Dumbledore!)
MCGONAGALL: Started chewin' Mr. Weasley's leg up?
HARRY: (Get Dumbledore!)
MCGONAGALL: Now you really think that he's in danger?
HARRY: (Get Dumbledore!)
I don't think you trust
In the prophetic dream I had
Ron's dad just doesn't deserve to die, die, die
D-d-die die die die die
Hey!

Move to the left stage. Fred and George Weasley, prankster twins extraordinaire, fly on-stage on their broomsticks (a chain and iron peg still hang from George's broom). As they sing, they toss various Wheezes to the audience.

[Get Free/The Vines]
FRED: We're gonna get free
We're gonna get free
We're gonna get free
TWINS: Ride out of the school
GEORGE: Our sinister scheme
Our sinister scheme
Our sinister scheme
TWINS: Play her for the fool
(Prank here, prank here, prank here)
FRED: Some puking candy for ya
TWINS: (Prank here, prank here, prank here)
GEORGE: Big swamp around the corner

TWINS: (Prank here, prank here, prank here)
FRED: Explosions and disaster
TWINS: (Prank here, prank here, prank here)
GEORGE: [salutes] Our parting gift, Headmaster

Fred and George soar away and we look to the right side. Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny are sitting in Ron's room at Grimmauld Place. Harry is facing away from the others, but Ginny stands close to him.

[Hate To Say I Told You So/The Hives]
GINNY: Do what you want, but you can't turn away from us forever
We can help you to cope with possession or whatever
Hate to snap you out of this (or not)
Got to snap you out of this [she smacks Harry upside the head]
Get over it, get a clue
'Cause I've suffered too

The lights dim and a spotlight lands on Harry, who faces the audience and sings.

[Fell in Love With a Girl/The White Stripes]
HARRY: Fell in love with a girl
I thought she liked me too, I was so elated
Cedric's still on her mind
Yeah, sometimes these feelings make me irritated
Cho's left me for that Corner dude
Yeah, well, nothing good seems to come from dating
I'm not looking for someone new
But I've got a funny feeling someone's been waiting, now
Ginny rolls her eyes

A sign appears that reads "Intermission". Both sets of curtains close. Sirius Black and Remus Lupin slowly walk on-stage, snapping their fingers to the beat.

[Last Nite/The Strokes]
SIRIUS: Last night
He said
"Oh, Padfoot, don't you feel so down
'Cause you're stuck in here
Oh, don't feel left out"
So I
LUPIN: (What'd you do?)
SIRIUS: Well, I turned around
LUPIN: (Right around)
SIRIUS: "Oh, Moony, gonna be alright"
LUPIN: (Gonna be alright)
SIRIUS: It was a great big lie
LUPIN: (Big old lie)
SIRIUS: 'Cause I left that night
Yeah

As Sirius and Lupin retreat, Luna and Neville step out from behind the green curtain. Luna looks vaguely at an issue of The Quibbler; Neville looks confused.

[Down with the Sickness/Disturbed]
LUNA: Ooh ah ah ah ah! [She somehow manages to make this sound dreamy.]

NEVILLE: "Ooh ah ah ah ah"?
LUNA: Ever hear of the Crumple-Horned Snorkack
Look out for nargle-infested berries
You know Sirius Black was a singer
All this stuff is really fascinating to me
NEVILLE: I don't believe in Crumple-Horned Snorkacks
I really don't think that mistletoe's full of nargles
I might believe that Black is a singer
All that stuff you read sounds kinda silly to me

The red curtain opens to show the Department of Mysteries, with all the Death Eaters clustered on one end and the Order of the Phoenix at the other end.

[Renegades of Funk/Rage Against The Machine]
DEATH EATERS: We're the secret evil guys, we're the secret evil guys
ORDER OF THE PHOENIX: We're the secret hero guys, we're the secret hero guys

Both groups freeze as the green curtain opens. Hermione and Ron stand there, Hermione wearing several of her homemade hats, Ron in his Quidditch outfit, broom at his side.

[My Way/Limp Bizkit]
HERMIONE: This time got a dresser full of clothes

This time before anyone knows
S.P.E.W. is here to free elves
Yeah, free elves
Free elves from enslavement
This time gonna make a thousand hats
How you slave drivers feel about that?
S.P.E.W. is here to free elves
Yeah, free elves
[ding, ding] From enslavement

[Outside/Staind]
RON: But now I'm the Keeper
I'm panicking
I've been so awful
Can't touch the Quaffle
But if I could shape up
We could still win
I'll guard those rings yet
I'll be a King yet

Return to the scene on the left.

[Bawitdaba/Kid Rock]
DEATH EATERS: Expelliarmus Crucio Colloportus
Stupefy Protego Avada Kedavra
ORDER OF THE PHOENIX: Expelliarmus Crucio Colloportus
Stupefy Protego Avada Kedavra

Both curtains close and the members of Dumbledore's Army walk onto the stage.

[Youth of the Nation/P.O.D.]
DUMBLEDORE'S ARMY: We are, we are
Dumbledore's Army
We are, we are
Dumbledore's Army
We are, we are
Dumbledore's Army
We're Dumbledore's bloody Army!
Yeah!

A sign appears and displays the words "Big Finish" before bursting into fireworks. Everyone steps out from behind both curtains, Harry in the front holding his wand like a microphone.

[The Real Slim Shady/Eminem]
HARRY: I'm H Potter, yes, I'm the real Potter
All you other H Potters are nothing but rotters
So won't the real H Potter please stand up
Please stand up, please stand up
'Cause I'm H Potter, yes, I'm the real Potter
All you other H Potters are nothing but rotters
So won't the real H Potter please, please
Please stand up
H. Potter, won't you please stand up?
DEATH EATERS: (Stand up, Potter)
HERMIONE: Stand up
ORDER OF THE PHOENIX: (Stand up, Potter)
RON: Stand up
DUMBLEDORE'S ARMY: (Stand up, Potter)
ALL: Potter, won't you please stand up?
HARRY: Hey!

The lights cut out.

To the tune of Good Morning, Baltimore from Marc Shaiman's musical (via John Waters) Hairspray

THE SCENE: Little Whinging. HARRY, hiding in Dursley bushes, complains of the apparent news blackout with respect to Lord Voldemort.

HARRY
Oh, oh, oh
Here on TV
Will they tell of He-Who-Can't-Be-Named?
Oh, oh, oh
Angry at all those
Who would Death-Eat
But stuck on this street
I listen for clues
On the Evening News
It's striking and baggage and
Chopper crash.
Oh, oh, oh
Rolling on out
Of the bushes in
Which I've been stashed

Where are you, Voldemort?
Why do you wage this phony war?
It is all such a mystery -
Why you aren't making misery?

Where are you, Voldemort?
Once again no owl from Dumbledore
But soon they'll all know it's fact
Voldemort came back

Oh, oh, oh
My Uncle Vern
Has lately discerned my hiding place
Oh, oh, oh,
He had his beefy hands 'round my throat
To loudly emote

Their son known as Dud
Hangs out with his buds
He tells his folks,
"I'm with mates drinking tea"
So, oh, oh
Don't make me laugh
Since their son's such a hard-core JD

Where are you, Voldemort?
Where's the evil we all abhor?
Where's the rat who his friends betrayed?
Where's the DEs poised to invade?

Where are you, Voldemort?
I will swear by Godric Gryffindor
The world's gotta wake up to learn
Voldemort's returned

I've letters from Herm
I've letters from Ron
All written as if I'm some moron
And even the missives from Sirius Black
All seem to assume that
I do not know jack!

Enter DUDLEY and his gang

DUDLEY & GANG
He doesn't know jack!

HARRY
So, oh, oh
Give me a break
'Cause I simply can't take it outside the loop
Oh, oh, oh
Something inside of me makes me curse
At letters too terse

At Dudders I yell
While my scar burns like hell
Just like a driller inside my head
Oh, oh, oh
I'll pay you back
For your cold-blooded murder of Ced

DUDLEY & GANG
His boyfriend, his boyfriend …..
Cold-blooded murder of Ced

HARRY
Where are you, Voldemort?
Saw you at the end of Year Four
Where is your virtuosity
In inflicting atrocity?

And I promise Voldemort
There's a day when
I'll mop up the floor
We'll see through what you've contrived
What you've contrived
Voldy, you're alive..

DUDLEY & GANG
The Boy Who Lived will not survive

HARRY
Voldy, you're alive..

DUDLEY & GANG
The Boy Who Lived will not survive

HARRY
Voldy, you're alive!

A filk by Gail to the tune of Cry Baby Cry by the Beatles

HARRY:
"I heard you cry.
Not this brave at night."
His face looked strangely triumphant...

Walking back to home now, it was night time
Took a shortcut with Dudley
Between the fence and garage, muffled footsteps
Then my cousin spoke to me:

"I heard you cry,"
He said with delight
"You're talking in your sleep, moaning.
You cried, Harry, why?"

A cold plunging sensation in my stomach
'Cause I knew Dudley had heard
I told him he was lying but he smiled
As he mimicked my own words

"I heard you cry
You know that I'm right
Sobbing for someone named Cedric
You cried, Harry, why?"

Then Dudley, acting nasty, smirked and asked me
If Cedric was my boyfriend
I told him then to stop it but his leering
And his jeering didn't end

"I heard you cry
How Cedric had died
'He's killed him, Mum and Dad, help me!'
You cried late that night"

I pointed my wand at him and threatened him
With fourteen years worth of hate
I wanted to curse Dudley right then and there
But I had to hesitate

My cousin cried,
"Who turned out the lights?"
I didn't cast any magic
So I wondered why

I, I realized
Dementors were nearby
Two of them were coming closer
'Cause I felt them glide

My, my, my
Cousin was terrified
He stared running right at them
Then I loudly cried:

"Dudley, come on back, don't run away
Dudley come on back!

Dudley, come on back, don't run away
Dudley, you have to come on back! Dudley come on back!

Dudley, come on back, don't run away
Dudley, come on back..."

A filk by Stella to the tune of Blue Jay Way by the Beatles

HARRY:
There's a fog out side today
My cousin has lost his way
"I will knock you out" he says
Now I've lost my wand instead

Please don't stay long
Please don't you stay very long
Please don't stay long
Or we may have no souls

As my hands searched for my wand
I knew my time was almost gone
Dudley lay there on the street
A dementor he'd soon meet

Please don't stay long
Please don't you stay very long
Please don't stay long
Or we may have no souls

I said Lumos to my wand
Because my soul may soon be gone
Soon will be the break of day
Sitting here in Wisteria Way

Please don't stay long
Please don't you stay very long
Please don't stay long
Or we may have no souls

Please don't stay long
Please don't you stay very long
Please don't stay long
Or we may have no souls

A filk by Allemande to the tune of Kiss the Bride by Elton John

A DEMENTOR (just having fled from Little Whinging)
Well he looked a pig with a dreadful wig
I know he's still his mama's little boy
And as he whimpered and screamed I could tell he dreamed
Of the time he lost his toy
And when the Potter kid with his horrible spell
Set the beast on me that I so dread
I should have lowered my hood
I should have stayed where I stood
And this is what I should have said:

I wanna Kiss the guy, yeah!
I wanna Kiss the guy, yeah!
He's so sweetly pampered
He is mine, mine, mine
Don't say shoo, shoo
Say bye, bye, bye
And let me Kiss the guy, yeah!

When I Kiss someone I can feel the fun leaking out their tiny brain
And when I suck on their kind I know that their minds
Will never be the same again
But even Potter should know that this mighty troll
Would be no different without a soul
There will be no retreat
The next time that we meet
When I come out of my hidey-hole

I wanna Kiss the guy, yeah!
I wanna Kiss the guy, yeah!
He's so sweetly pampered
He is mine, mine, mine
Don't say shoo, shoo
Say bye, bye, bye
And let me Kiss the guy, yeah!

To the tune of Big Girls Don't Cry by The Four Seasons

THE SCENE: Wisteria Walk. Immediately following the dementor attack, HARRY is accosted by ARABELLA FIGG, who makes a surprising declaration.

HARRY (spoken): You're - you're a witch?
FIGG (spoken): I'm a Squib, as Mundungus knows full well…..

(music)
Figg girl can't fly
Figg girl can't fly

HARRY & (FIGG)
Fi-igg girl, you came by-yi-yi (I came by)
Fi-igg girl, tell me why-yi (I am your ally)
Figg girl (where's that Dungus guy?) Dungus guy?
(I will that man fry) That man will die!

MUNDUNGUS FLETCHER Apparates onto the scene

(FIGG) & MUNDUNGUS
(Dungy boy) I stood guard but had to sneak off
(Dungy boy) Cauldrons 90% off
(Dungy boy) Now she swings, and gives this cry:

FIGG & MUNDUNGUS
"Figg girl fists fly"

FIGG & (MUNDUNGUS)
Fi-igg girl fists fly-yi-yi (please don't fly)
Fi-igg girl fists fly-yi (she will terrify)

Perhaps (I was du-uh-umb) you were dumb
Dumb sap (I'll tell Dumb) yes, go tell Dumb

(Figgy girl) Shame on you, Dementors came
(Figgy girl) Poor Harry they'll blame
(Figgy girl) Dumble won't be satisfied

MUNDUNGUS, FIGG, & HARRY
I'm/He's horrified!

MUNDUNGUS & HARRY & (FIGG)
Fi-igg girl she's awry-yi-yi (I'm awry)
Fi-igg girl's still spry (I am not mollified)
Figg girl's still spry
Figg girl's still spry
Figg girl's still spry
Figg girl's still spry…….

MUNDUNGUS Apparates to Dumbledore while FIGG leads HARRY back to Privet Drive with Dudley in tow

A filk by Eustace Scrubb to the tune of You Can Leave Your Hat On by Randy Newman, covered by Joe Cocker and others

ARABELLA FIGG:
Dudley, pick yourself up...(right now)
Get up off of the ground...(now, you useless lump)
Harry, you pull him up, quick, quick, quick
You can keep your wand out
You can keep your wand out
Better keep your wand out

They could be back any time...Dementors, boy
This is just what Dumbledore feared…oy-veh!
Come now, Harry, no time to wait…keep up!
I could kill Mundungus
I could kill Mundungus
I could kill Mundungus
Oh I could kill Mundungus!

I'm going straight back home now
You stay in your aunt's house…don't move
Must wait for more instructions
There'll be hell to pay now
There'll be hell to pay now
There'll be hell to pay now

You can keep your wand out
You can keep your wand out
Better keep your wand out

To the tune of Take a Message to Mary by the Everly Brothers

THE SCENE: Ministry of Magic, Improper Use of Magic Office. MAFALDA HOPKIRK, in her first solo, gives instructions to a Ministry owl.

MAFALDA HOPKIRK:
These are the words of a bureaucrat
Sent to a lad who's a thorough brat:

Take a message to Harry at his Privet Drive address
Take a message to Harry, he's in one hell of a mess
You can tell him we have received the word of spells he cast when out of school
You can say the use of Patronus charms is opposed by our 13th rule
Is opposed by our 13th rule

Take a message to Harry of his breech of secrecy
Please inform him our agents will enforce underage decrees
You can tell him we'll have to break his wand and cancel all his Hogwarts days
Because he cast a Patronus spell with a Muggle in the way
He magic did display

Take a message to Harry, like you did three years ago
His wand a-waving went Harry, to float a pudding bowl
And tell him when it is August 12, tell him that he must appear
You can say that Potter must bring himself to meet Delores dear
Sincerely yours, sincere

Ha-arry, Ha-a-a-a-arry
Sincerely yours, sincere

To the tune of I Should Have Known Better by the Beatles

THE SCENE: Four Privet Drive. HARRY recieves a draconian decree from Malfalda Hopkirk of the Improper Use of Magic Office

HARRY (reading the letter)
"You should have known better
Than to cast a spell
In a place where all the
Muggles dwell.
You rebelled
Hey, hey, hey,
You're expelled!

"Whoa, oh, you shoulda realized
There's a penalty
When you infringe Section One-Three.
Wand will be made debris"

And now this tells me they are coming, oh
They wanna break my wand in two, oh
There is no way I'm gonna wait
This lad the coup is gonna flew.

As HARRY prepares to leave, a second owl flies in with a missive from Arthur Weasley

HARRY (reading the letter)
"So, oh, you should stay localized
Behind the Dursleys' door.
Retain your wand
Rely on Dumbledore
Stay indoors,
Hey, hey, hey,
Spell no more."

HARRY decides to remain, but is angered that he is not being kept better informed

Whoa, oh, does no one realize
What a Kiss can do?
Dudley's soul they would've chomped through.
Yes, it's true! They've no clue!

And now Art tells me that I oughta, oh
Calm down, let Dumble work things through, oh
OK, for now I'll toe the line,
But that guy had better write me too

You write me too….
You write me too….

HARRY of course, waits in vain for Dumbledore's response

A filk by OwL547 to the tune of I'm With You by Avril Lagvine.

HARRY is sitting on his bed wishing he were at the Burrow with Ron and Hermione and wishing he knew some answers about Voldemort

HARRY:
I'm searchin' for a sign
From any wizard kind
Is anybody here magical?
I need to know right now
If Voldy has come out
I'm about to have a cow

Isn't anyone trying to find me?
Will any one to take me to the Burrow?

It's a darn cold night
Trying to figure out if my scar's right
Have any Death Eaters been caught yet?
Have you found where Voldy's hidden?
I need to know.....
I need to know....

I hear somethin' downstairs
But who really cares
Nothing in this house is mine
Oh wait, it's Lupin
With Mad-Eye Moody and some friends
To come and take me awayyyyyyy

Its a darn cold night
Riding on the brooms out of sight
Taking me to Grimmauld place
To find out some answers now
I want answers...

Why is everything so confusing?
Why wont you just tell me what's happening?
With Voldemort and Death Eaters, Sirius says that it's OK
So please oh please tell me!

It's a darn cold night
Now I know part of what's right
I wonder what the secret weapon is
Me and Ron will discuss it secretly in bed
Secretly in bed......

A filk by Constance Vigilance to the tune of Hello, Muddah, Hello, Faddah

The scene - a lonely room on Privet Drive. A teenage boy is writing a letter.

HARRY:
Hello Snuffles, whatcha doing
Since the Voldie Great Renewing?
What's the number? I will phone ya
I'm so sick of hiding here in the begonia.

How's the Burrow? Warm and tender?
Where's Mundungus? On a bender?
I'm behaving, don't remind me.
Please, Godfather, no advice, just come and find me.

I'm so angry, stuck at Privet.
Think it's easy? Come and live it!
Longer letters, be a pal, Ron.
I'll send Hedwig to help out with beak and talon.

Dear Hermione, feeling spellish?
Life with Dudley here is hellish.
In a play park, on Wisteria
If you "Sonorus" and speak up I'll surely hear ya.

Rescue me, I'm ready early,
Set me free, I hate the Dursleys,
Don't leave me out in the suburbs, where
I might go barking crazy there.

Take me home, I'm begging, Molly
Just find me an out-bound trolley.
I can't live with Vernon's Muggle freaks,
I've been here four long weeks.

Wait a minute, what's that crashing?
Is it robbers come for slashing?
Mad-Eye Moody, without Barty!
It's some friends who organized a rescue party!

Happy faces, here to spring me.
What information did you bring me?
Pack to fly with Tonks and Lupin
So it's "Good-bye messy room" and no more droopin'.

A filk by Gail to the tune of All Together Now by the Beatles

MOODY & (THE ADVANCE GUARD CHORUS):
One, two, three, four
We've been sent by Dumbledore
Five, six, seven eight, nine, ten
To get you

Tonks, Doge, Jones, Vance
We're not taking any chance
Podmore, Lupin, and Kingsley
(seeing the signal of green sparks) There's our cue

(bom bom bom bom-pa bom) Do not stop

(bom-pa bom) If we're slain

(bom-pa bom) The Rear Guard

(bom-pa bom) Will remain

*Fly together now (Fly together now!)
Close together now! ( Close together now!)
Fly together now! (Fly together now!)
Close together now! (Close together now!)

Up, down, left, right
We'll protect you when in flight
Front, rear, and circle all around
Surround you

*repeat

(bom bom bom bom-pa bom) Need more height

(bom-pa bom) Double back

(bom-pa bom) Stay alert

(bom-pa bom) For attack!

*repeat until you work yourself into an ecstatic frenzy

A filk by R.J. Lupin to the tune of Friendship from Anything Goes by Cole Porter

MOODY: (spoken)
Lower that wand, boy! You'll take someone's eye out!
HARRY: (spoken)
Professor Moody?
MOODY: (spoken)
Yeah, but I didn't get around to teaching, now did I?
LUPIN (spoken)
It's all right, Harry. We're going to take you away
HARRY: (spoken)
Professor Lupin?
LUPIN: (spoken)
Yes, that's me
TONKS (spoken)
Turn on the lights and tell him who we are and what we're doing!

The lights go up, and in the dim light, we see the Advance Guard with Moody, Lupin, and Tonks at the front. The group enthusiastically begins to sing, with the rest of the Advance Guard providing elaborate background dancing

MOODY:
Well, the Dursleys have treated this all wrong
TONKS:
So I sent them for a prize for their lawn
LUPIN:
But there is none, so when they come home to grumble
You'll be gone

ADVANCE GUARD:
Advance Guard, the Guard
Helping you long and hard
When other Guards have failed in their job
We won't be the slob!
MOODY, LUPIN, and TONKS
Order of the the Phoenix
Advance Guard

LUPIN:
Bet it's really been a bit of a shock
TONKS:
To have a bunch of wizards here on your block

HARRY nods, and puts his wand in his back jeans pocket

MOODY: (to Harry)
If you ever put your wand there again then
Gone's your buttock!

HARRY quickly removes his wand from the pocket

ADVANCE GUARD:
Advance Guard, the Guard
Helping you long and hard
When other Guards have showed they don't care
We will still be there!
MOODY, LUPIN, and TONKS:
Order of the Phoenix
Advance Guard

MOODY:
Now you better not ask anything here
LUPIN:
We will tell you it all when the coast's clear
TONKS:
'Cause you never know who's trying to spy or
Ta-ake in a peer

ADVANCE GUARD:
Advance Guard, the Guard
Helping you long and hard
While other guards may not be discreet
Our secret's kept neat!
MOODY, LUPIN, and TONKS:
Order of the Phoenix
Advance Guard

LUPIN:
We'll be on brooms and I know you fly swell
TONKS:
So let's go pack now Harry-

TONKS trips as she walks upstairs with HARRY

Darn, I fell
MOODY:
Damn, my eyeball's gotten stuck in one spot as well
What the hell?

ADVANCE GUARD:
Advance Guard, the Guard
Helping you long and hard
When other Guards let things get them down
We'll still be around

HARRY and TONKS return a few minutes later with all of his belongings

TONKS:
Wow, I really like your broom, don't you know?
MOODY:
When I Disillusion you, you won't show
LUPIN:
I left a letter to your aunt and uncle, now
It's time to go

ADVANCE GUARD:
Advance Guard, the Guard
Helping you long and hard
When other Guards would just take a rest
We will be the best
MOODY, LUPIN, and TONKS:
Order of the Phoenix-

The three all say different words simultaneously

MOODY:
Vigilance
LUPIN:
Aa-aroo
TONKS:
Wotcher, yeah

The three stare at each other in confusement, and then argue at each other very quickly, talking over the ends of each other's sentences

TONKS (spoken)
"Aa-aroo"? You said you don't even like howling!
LUPIN: (spoken)
Well...
MOODY: (spoken)
We're not saying "wotcher". "Vigilance" is more important.
LUPIN: (spoken)
You become too crazed with the "vigilance" thing.
MOODY: (spoken)
I don't!
TONKS: (spoken)
Well, what do you propose?
LUPIN: (spoken)
Just howl. I'm not saying that.
MOODY: (spoken)
Think of something else!
TONKS: (spoken)
I'm right, just do what I do!
LUPIN: (spoken
Hurry up, we're supposed to sing again!

Quickly, they join the rest of the Advance Guard in singing

ADVANCE GUARD:
When other guards would just take a rest
We'll still be the best!

Stubborn in their ways, MOODY, LUPIN, and TONKS finish the last three syllables of the song at the same time with their own words

MOODY:
Vigilance!
LUPIN:
Aa-aroo!
TONKS:
Wotcher, yeah!

To the tune of Join the Circus, from the musical Barnum (Cy Coleman & Mark Bramble)

THE SCENE: Four Privet Drive. Members of the OOP arrive to escort HARRY to a place of safety.

MOODY: When the Dark Lord's made his comeback and you top his hit list
TONKS: When your Aunt and Uncle treat you like you do not exist
DIGGLE: When you bicker with your cousin and you nearly get Kissed
LUPIN: You can insist
That they cease and desist

ALL (except HARRY)
Just call the Order of the Phoenix and
Get ready to soar
We're the secret organization that
Was designed by Dumbledore
We'll stop Voldy's megalomania and his cruel AK
We shall send him back to his doom again
Back to his tomb again, back to decay
Once the Order of the Phoenix strikes
He'll be swiftly swept away

JONES: When your best friends aren't confiding and you're outside the loop
DOGE: When you have to hide in bushes to hear all the news scoops
VANCE: And you're feeling really 15 like you can't give a whoop
SHACKLEBOLT: Think not to droop
Simply summon our group

A filk by Lilac to the tune of Don't Cry For Me Argentina from Lloyd Webber's Evita

The Scene: TONKS is upstairs helping Harry pack.

TONKS:
Hey! Wotcher, Harry!
Don't think I'm strange
As I try to explain how I change
With a natural-born talent... Met-a-morph-a-gus
You don't believe me?
All you see now is just one of the guard
You'll soon see me screw up my face
As though I am thinking too hard

I like to make it happen,
I like to change.
Couldn't stay all my life with brown hair
Since I'm born with this talent to change with the wind
So I chose violet
But I think that it makes
my face look rather peak
It takes just a moment or two...
Now, look - it's bubble-gum pink!
Just don't call me Nymphadora
My fool of a mother named me
Just use my surname
It's Tonks, so simple
Bet you wish you could
Hide scars and pimples

As for the Dursleys'
They search in vain
For the Lawn Competition Awards
From a letter I faked and sent through Muggle post
A grand illusion
And just the solution
We needed tonight
To get them all out of the house
Now let's get you ready to ride!

Just don't call me Nymphadora
`cause Tonks suits me so much better
Wand in your pocket?
Both buttocks on still?
Glad Mad Eye's socket
Is newly refilled...

She waves her wand and quickly packs Harry's trunk

Is that everything?
At least it's in -- I just threw it all in pell-mell
It's not very neat;
I never got the hang of those householdy spells!

A filk by Honky Tonk Women by the coolest band in the world (Besides the Beatles)

HARRY:
I met a red-haired girl down at the Dursleys'
She said (TONKS) "You look like James 'cept for the eyes"
She asked me if her hair looked good in violet
TONKS:
Cause I just can't seem to get the color right.

HARRY:
It's that clumsy Tonks woman
Can't make, can't make, make up her clumsy Tonks mind

An Auror in the Order of the Phoenix
She stumbled over and fell on her behind
Hermione ,Ginny Weasley sat there laughing
She changed her nose just when she changed her mind

It's that clumsy Tonks woman
Can't make, can't make, make up her clumsy Tonks mind
(Yeah! All right!)

Sirius jumps in with a magical guitar and Lupin joins him on saxophone for a solo

HARRY/WEASLEYS, SIRIUS, MOODY, & LUPIN
It's that cluuuuu…/clumsy Tonks… clumsy Tonks/…umsy Tonks Woman
Can't make, can't make, make up her clumsy Tonks mind. It's that cluuuuu…/clumsy Tonks… clumsy Tonks/…umsy Tonks Woman
Can't make, can't make, make up her clumsy Tonks mind.
Woo!

To the tune of The Big Dollhouse from Marc Shaiman's musical Hairspray

THE SCENE: Grimmauld Place in London. The Order of the Phoenix, with Harry in tow, arrives, and prepares to summon forth number 12.

THE OOP:
We're gonna get in
We're gonna get in
We're gonna get in
We're gonna get in our shelter
Our harbor
This grim old place!

KREACHER steps forth, between numbers 10 and 13 Grimmauld Place

KREACHER (spoken): Wizards and witches, Order of the Phoenix, Master Potter, welcome to the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black, centrally located here at 12 Grimmauld Place. My name is Kreacher, and I'll be your house-elf this evening. Think of me as a most devoted and obedient servant……of the Dark Lord!

MOODY (music, giving a note to Harry)
Step up and just say,
"Albus sent me."

12 Grimmauld Place magically appears

LUPIN
The Order of the Phoenix
Hangs out here rent-free

TONKS
We have ev'rybody here
Since we made it our base

SHACKLEBOLT
It's an ancient home

ALL OOP:
And a grim old place!

Enter all into the 12 Grimmauld mansion

HARRY
Beard of Merlin,
What smells so rank?
Looks like the den
Of some foul Death-Eatin' crank

MOODY
We can hear Phinny laughing,
Though we can't see his face.

PHINEAS (ducking his head into a frame just long enough to sing his line)
'Cause you'll never keep me framed….

ALL PORTRAITS
…In this grim old place.

KREACHER & ELF HEADS
Grim place!

HARRY
There's elf heads on the wall

KREACHER, ELF HEADS & PORTRAITS
Grim place!

LUPIN
And snakes

TONKS
And shrieks

MOODY
Dark halls!

MRS. BLACK
My son lets all you filth visit,
For shame and disgrace!

Enter SIRIUS

SIRIUS
Mother, just shut your trap….

ALL
….In this grim old place!

The Portraits all begin yelling and screaming at once

SIRIUS (to Harry)
Yoo hoo, my family's a little evil
They served the Dark Lord
In a red-hot fever

MRS. BLACK
You betrayed our honor,
Our nation, our race!

Sirius closes the curtains, effectively silencing her

SIRIUS & OOP:
It's curtains, Mom,
In this grim old place

Enter Hermione & The Weasleys - Molly, Ron, Ginny & the twins

HARRY (shouting)
HERM `N' RON
I HAVE GOT TO COMPLAIN!!
ALL OF YOUR CORRESPONDENCE HAS
HAS BEEN TOO MUNDANE!!!

HERMIONE & RON
Hey, though you're livid
We're glad to embrace
Our grand old pal
In this grim old place

Harry remains standoffish

KREACHER, ELF HEADS & PORTRAITS
Grim Place!

HARRY (shouting)
NO NEWS! NO OWLS!

MOLLY (to the twins)
No ears!

KREACHER, ELF HEADS & PORTRAITS
Grim Place!

RON
Dumble told us, "Don't interfere,
`Cause on Privet Drive
He needs his space.
So don't send no news of this….

ALL
…..Grim old place!"

Enter a swarm of doxies and boggarts. Hermione and the Weasleys take defensive measures

HERMIONE
Harry, I hope you'll
Take my meaning
We ain't had fun
We've been busy cleaning

MOLLY & GINNY
We're trying
To wipe out every trace….

HERMIONE, WEASLEYS & CHORUS OF DOXIES AND BOGGARTS
…..Of doxies and boggarts from
This grim old place!!

FRED (displaying a pair of Extendible Ears)
Hey, cool it, Harry
Just drop the caps
Why don't ya come and check out
Our killer apps?

GEORGE
These wheezes of Weasleys
Now will set the pace.

FRED & GEORGE (each pocketing a doxy)
We'll earn big galleons
Thanks to this grim place

ALL
Grim place!

HERMIONE & RON
You've come in from the cold

ALL
Grim place!

FRED
But he's still ticked….

GEORGE
…he wasn't told

Kreacher pulls back the curtains from Mrs. Black so she can participate in the grand finale

ALL (except Harry)
Harry Potter, he's angry
And this grim old place
This grim old place
This grim old place
Ain't half as grim as he!
As he!
As he!

HARRY
AS ME!!!

A filk by Murasaki to the tune of Hotel California by the Eagles

12 Grimmauld Place: Everybody's choice vacation spot!

HARRY: We had flown half the nighttime,
The Order who had saved me.
The chilled charm Disillusionment
Cloaked me invisibly.
We landed on an old street,
Dirtied with a grimy sheen.
We walked up the derelict rows,
Beside eleven and thirteen.

As I stood in the doorway,
They handed me a note.
They told me to not speak a word
Until I'd learned it all by rote.
Then we stepped in the doorway,
Beside a troll umbrella stand.
There were voices down the corridor
Loud enough to understand:

MRS. BLACK: Welcome to House Most Ancient and Noble.
Such a grim old place,

PORTRAITS: Such a grim old place,

MRS. BLACK: At 12 Grimmauld Place.
Not so welcome at House Most Ancient and Noble.
If you aren't a Black,

PORTRAITS: If you aren't a Black,

MRS. BLACK: You'd better watch your back.

HARRY: In dashed my godfather,
Faster than I'd seen him run.
He slammed the curtains shut
On the one that he called "Mum."
The gas lights lit with a loud hiss,
And on the way to our beds,
We passed family portraits;
We passed House Elves' heads.

In my room there was a portrait;
He had and I had a fight.
He said:

PHINEAS NIGELLUS: You young people are so infernally convinced that you are absolutely right!

HARRY: And still that portrait is shouting from the floor below;
Someone knocks over the umbrella stand,
And you hear her bellow:

MRS. BLACK: Welcome to House Most Ancient and Noble
Such a grim old place,

PORTRAITS: Such a grim old place,

MRS. BLACK: At 12 Grimmauld Place.

HARRY: They're the purest of pure at the House Most Ancient and Noble.
All my enemies,

PORTRAITS: All your enemies,

HARRY: Span the family tree.

Doxies in the curtains;
A House Elf in his nest.
Sirius said:

SIRIUS: I'd never dreamed I'd be back here
Even now that Mum's at rest.

HARRY: In his mother's old chamber,
He cares for Buckbeak.
In the fireplace down below,
His elf lies tongue-in-cheek.

Christmas before the battle,
I had been dreaming of that door;
Never realizing that it was a scheme
Connected to my godfather, who I warned.
"Relax," he had told me.
"I'll be just fine."
I blame the House Elf for his death;
Part of the family's foul design.

A filk by Ginger to the tune of Yesterday; Here, There and Everywhere; and Wanderlust by Paul McCartney (a medley from' his Give My Regards to Broad Street

I found it highly amusing that on the tape the dialogue before the song starts is: "You don't think Harry'd go and do a stupid thing like that, do you?" "Yes, I do."

The scene: 12 Grimmauld Place after Harry's arrival.

HARRY (to the tune of Yesterday)
Grimmauld Place.
Hiding in an odd enchanted space.
Secret kept from the whole Muggle race.
Now I've arrived at Grimmauld Place.

Look at me!
I'm the centre of this mystery,
But no one here will enlighten me.
I'm mad, and I've a right to be.

So, before I blow, I must know
Each last detail.
No one sent an owl- I cry "foul"-
Nor Muggle mail.

Hermi'ne-
You and Ron know what this means to me,
Yet your letters were all substance-free.
What kind of friends are you to me?

GEORGE AND FRED: (to the tune of Here, There, and Everywhere)

GEORGE:
Evesdropping is your right, and we've a plot of our own.

Hear, with an Extendable Ear.
Over the stairwell, you'll hear what they've planned,
Why we've been banned,
And whether You-Know-Who's near.

FRED:
We use them everywhere,
Though we realize that some think we're not playing fair.
But since when has prudence been our greatest care?
We have got info to share.
Each one receiving each murmur and sigh.
Give it a try.
We know they are meeting there.

BOTH:
We can hear there and everywhere.
Hear there and everywhere.

GINNY: (to the tune of Wanderlust)
Take a few dungbombs.
Throw them down to see.
If they bounce, then the door is charmed.
Tonks showed that to me.

Try some more dungbombs.
Let no one else see.
Mum finds out- she'll make a fuss
And yell angrily.

GINNY'S CHORUS:
Fly now, nice dungbombs.
Help us now to see.
Fly now, nice dungbombs.
Do it for Harry.
Nice dungbombs.
Oh, they bounced upon the door.
This one's not to be.

CROOKSHANKS: (singing the countermelody)
Oh, how did they know what I love?
How nice of them to throw them from above.
I'm just so glad they found the time to play.
Throw more dungbombs my way!

GINNY repeats her CHORUS.

GINNY AND CROOKSHANKS sing the CHORUS and countermelody as a duet.

CROOKSHANKS:
I'm so glad I'm here just in time
For dungbombs thrown to me.

Ginger, clearing the desk of the Half-Filked Song before the Half-Blood Prince arrives.

A filk by Kirstini to the tune of The Philosopher's Drinking Song by Monty Python.

NOTE: The title change from the original is necessitated by the well-documented fact that Americans will not sing a filk with the word "Philosopher" in the title.

HARRY: Is anyone going to bother telling me what the Order of the Phoenix - ?
HERMIONE: It's a secret society. Dumbledore's in charge, he founded it. It's the people who fought against You-Know-Who last time.
HARRY: Who's in it?
HERMIONE: Quite a few people -
RON: We've met about twenty of them...

HERMIONE (Music):
Nnnnymphadora Tonks can change her conk
Whenever she feels able

RON:
Alastor, Alastor is a paranoid old bastard
Who can look right through the table.
Sturgis Podmore will go through the wrong door
And officially become the first prisoner of war.

HERMIONE:
Dedalus Diggle may make you all giggle,
But his wizarding skills are fabled.

BOTH:
There's nothing Hestia couldn't `fess to ya
'Bout the swishing of the wrist.
Kingsley's busy coaxing other Aurors to enlist...

RON:
Mundungus Fletcher could probably fetch yer
Tentaculas off the back of a Mediwizard stretcher,
Remus J, so they say,
Gets a little bit hairy every twenty-eighth day.

HERMIONE:
Arabella, Arabella cannot do a magic spell-ahh!
Hagrid's fond of a dram

BOTH:
And Severus Snape in his batwing cape.
Is a greasy, hook-nosed ham!

THE READER (to herself)
Sirius, himself, is particularly missed,
A real shame that the bookies weren't expecting that plot twist!

A filk by Gail to the tune of You Oughta Know by Alanis Morissette

THE SCENE: 12 Grimmauld Place. Harry addresses Ron and Hermione with mounting anger

HARRY:
I just want to know what has been going on
Four weeks away from the Wizarding World
No one's been talking to me
Now I'm feeling quite angry
The tension has been almost unbearable
Dementors came after me
I had to save ol' Dudley
But my actions just got me deeper in trouble

The note the Ministry informed me
That I had been expelled 'cause of the spell I cast though I could have
died, oh yeah
And I'm so glad Mundungus left
If he hadn't they wouldn't have sent
For me this very night, it's not right
I want to know why!

I've been there at the Dursleys
Hiding in bushes list'ning for some news
I've been scared 'cause my worst dreams
About Voldemort's return have come true
I, I, I want to know

Dumbledore could have kept me informed
Does he think I can't take care of myself?
Who saved the Sorcerer's Stone? who met Riddle alone?
And who saved both of your skins from the Dementors?
Who faced dragons and that maze? and who saw Voldemort raised
In the graveyard with all his Death Eaters?
I learned at Privet Drive how that I've
Been followed all this time and it seems that you've known this all the while, oh yeah
And each time I wrote Sirius
Despite my entreaty he'd treat me
Like I was a child, I'm not a child!
My mind's going wild!

Now I'm here at Grimmald Place
Wond'ring what Voldemort's gonna do next
And I hear how in this space
They keep hid the Order of the Phoenix
I, I, I want to know!

Ahhh...

You forget easily if it wasn't for me
No one would have known that Voldy
Had returned this time - no you wouldn't
Regardless of this fact they act as though everything's just fine - but it isn't
I resent it!

At least you've had each other
Must have been great fun while I was alone
Reading news from the papers
That I nicked from bins at the Dursley's home
I, I, I want to know!

And I know, from your letters
You swore you could not tell me anything
But you owe me some answers
'Cause I have no clue 'bout what's happening
I, I, I want to know!

A filk by Ravenclaw Chaser to the tune of the Brad Paisley song of the same name

SCENE: RON and HERMIONE are telling HARRY about The Daily Prophet's slander and the Wizarding World's general opinion that he is milking his fame for all it's worth.

HARRY:
Thanks to Voldy, I'm famous
Do I enjoy it? Well, no.

RON:
These days, you wouldn't know it

HERMIONE:
Thanks to the Prophet show

RON:
They say you love the attention

HERMIONE:
You think you're a great hero

RON:
They say you want to be worshiped

HERMIONE:
And just boost your ego

HARRY:
'Cause when you're a celebrity
It's adios normality
You try to tell the truth
They think you are a fool
'Cause of the Ministry

HERMIONE:
Their just using all of the stuff
About you that Rita made up

RON:
They say you've gone insane
You blame it on the fame
And that you can't get enough of
Being a celebrity

HERMIONE:
They only slip you in
Like you're a standing joke

HARRY:
But the only reason I'm in there
Is Voldy killed my folks
Now that the Dark Lord's back
Wizards need to stand up strong
But how can I tell the truth
When they all think that I'm wrong?

Cause when you're a celebrity
It's adios sanity
No matter what you do
When the world needs a clue
You know they won't agree

HERMIONE:
Fudge has kept the Prophet quiet
About dementors in Privet Drive

RON:
If your trial goes down the drain
Things will go insane
There's no escape this time
Though you're a celebrity

HERMIONE:
There's no case against you if they follow the laws
On the Statute of Secrecy

HARRY:
But, if I lose, I'll be expelled
Wand snapped, exiled
And the Prophet will have
A field day!

'Cause when you're a celebrity
It's adios reality
It's the world who's gone insane
I'm going to clear my name
Then they all will see
I hate being a celebrity
Yeah, celebrity

A filk by Stickbook to the tune of Politik by Coldplay, on their wonderful album A Rush Of Blood To The Head.

SCENE: HARRY has just arrived at 12 Grimmauld Place and been reunited with his friends, but is still angry.

HERMIONE:
Every Daily Prophet page
Has a mention of your name
What they're saying's a disgrace
And it happens every day

HARRY:
Wait a moment, I was there
When Albus warned us to beware
Dumbledore told Fudge that this
Is no time for politics

HERMIONE:
Open up your eyes!
Open up your eyes!
Open up your eyes!

Albus has no evidence
Fudge is totally convinced
That he wants the Ministry

HARRY:
All for listening to me?
I'm not cracked, I told the truth
Of the return of You-Know-Who!

HERMIONE:
They say you're a lunatic
All because of politics

Open up your eyes!
Open up your eyes!
Open up your eyes!
You know we're on your side

HARRY:
Nobody bothered to tell me what, tell me what's going on
Nobody cares what I've been through, been through all summer long

A filk by Jill to the tune of Stevie Wonder's Superstition

THE SCENE: 12 Grimmauld Place. RON, HERMIONE, FRED, GEORGE, & GINNY update HARRY on the situation with Percy.

Percy is ambitious, wants to have it all
Thinks he's got the answers, he's in for a fall,
Ministry for Magic, they have got it wrong
You-know-who is back now, they'll know it before long.

In his quest for power he's blind to the truth,
He's misguided,
Blind ambition ain't the way.

Percy is ambitious, he is such a git,
Thinks Harry's the problem, we know he's legit,
He got a promotion, he thinks he's so cool
But Fudge is gonna use him, and he'll look like a fool.

In his quest for power he's blind to the truth,
He's misguided,
Blind ambition ain't the way, yeh, yeh.

Percy is ambitious, he thinks it's the way
If he doesn't wise up, his prospects are gray,
Ministry for Magic, they have got it wrong
Voldemort is back now, can't hide it before long.

In his quest for power he's blind to the truth,
He's misguided,
Blind ambition ain't the way, no, no, no.

A filk by Gail B. to the tune of Roxie from the soundtrack of the movie Chicago.

MOLLY:
These things are all over the place
We're teeming with Doxies
We need to remove every trace
Of these nasty Doxies

Some may mistake them for a fairy
But then
You would do well to take care
You have to recognize their wings
Their arms, their legs, their teeth, their hair

Behind the curtains of this room
There's a nest of Doxies
So while we're cleaning up the dirt

Beware of this dangerous sprite
They have a vicious little bite
Doxies, Doxies hurt!

(spoken) Kids...?

WEASLEY CHILDREN, HARRY, HERMIONE:
We're gonna squirt this Doxicide
To stun all these

MOLLY:
Doxies
I'll shoo them out from where
They hide
Then `Good bye' to

WEASLEY CHILDREN, HARRY, HERMIONE:
Doxies

MOLLY:
When they emerge
All of them will surge forward
So be ready to aim and spray

WEASLEY CHILDREN, HARRY, HERMIONE:
Here they come
Flying from
The curtain

FRED AND GEORGE:
We'll save us some

MOLLY:
You will throw those things away!

Their bite is quite poisonous
So look out for - what?

WEASLEY CHILDREN, HARRY, HERMIONE:
Doxies

MOLLY:
Everyone here please stay alert

In Lockhart's Guide to Household Pests
The author on page nine attests
Doxies, Doxies hurt!

WEASLEY CHILDREN, HARRY, HERMIONE:
Doxies
Doxies
Doxies...

A filk by Prankaholic to the tune of Summer Days from Grease

Summer cleaning- Doxy's attack
Summer cleaning - In the house of Black
What it says in Gilderoy's guide
You must spray them with doxycide
Summerdays - A wonderful stay when - uh - waging war on the house

Wella wella wella ugh!
Do your chores do your chores
There's a whole puffskein nest
Do your chores do your chores
And they're not here as guests

There's a boggart in a cabinet
Should be gone when laughing at it
And who knows what's right to do
About the ghoul in the upstairs loo
Summersun - cleaning is fun when - uh - waging war on the house

Wella wella wella ugh!
Do your chores do your chores
There are spiders to see
Do your chores do your chores
And Ron left to make tea

There's a damaged grandfather clock
Like a savage, shoots bolts 'til you knock
There's a bloodstained bag filled with rats
And mrs Weasley right there almost sat
Summersing- while cleaning things and - uh - waging war on the house

Woah woah woah
Do your chores do your chores
Kreacher comes and he goes
Do your chores do your chores
Sirius threatens with clothes

Her loud rage is in every floor
Disparaging echoes through the do-ho-hors
All is cleaned, not how it waaaas
For all the teens it's time for a pause
Summerheat - now all is neat from - uh - waging war on the house

Woah woah woah
Tell me more tell me more
Now there's not that much left
Tell me more tell me more
Time to wipe of your sweat

It is late now and time for bed
Tomorrow waits the hearing ahead
A mystery, will he be expelled?
The ministry decides that aswell
Summer dreams - so full of scheems and - uh - waging war on a house

Tell me more tell me more.......

A filk by Ginger to the tune of Moonlight Cocktail, a song that was dying to be filked with all the places to add potion ingredients. The words are by Kim Gannon, music by Lucky Roberts. It is probably best known by Glenn Miller and his Orchestra, but the version in my head is by Jones and Co.

I had to eliminate a syllable from Tentacula (Tentac'la) to make it scan.

FRED & GEORGE have a new wireless jingle advertising their new snackboxes.

FRED & GEORGE alternate lines:
Couple of eggs from a doxy, and asphodel.
Powder a horn of erumpent and stir it well.
Give to a couple of slackers, and they will tell:
Students hail our new Snackboxes.

Now add a couple of knarl quills, some murtlap too.
Simmer a couple of hours, 'til it turns blue.
Seeds of venemous tentac'la-just one or two.
All Snackboxes have a few.

Pop a purple as you please.
Classtime hours can be devoted to your ease.
You'll soon learn to fake a sneeze.
The orange completes your Weasley Wizard Wheeze.

Why sit through Binns' boring lectures, when you can be
Living a life of contentment where you'll be free?
You will find new-found refreshment and say "I see!
These Snackboxes are for me!"

A filk by Another Brick in the Wall, Part I by Pink Floyd

I finally finished filking Parts I and III of Another Brick in the Wall! Part III took me the longest, since although I figured out what scenario to use I had some trouble portraying it. Including Harry's smashing frenzy fits, given the crash sound effects on the original track.

I've also come up with an appropriate series title for all three parts: The Phoenix Walltz Trilogy (typo deliberate).

SIRIUS:
Harry's clear, he's back in school,
Leaving me in misery
A fugitive trapped in my ex-house,
No one here but that damned elf and me...

KREACHER:
Filthy, traitorous master is he!

SIRIUS: (points threateningly at KREACHER)
All in all you're just, the next head for the wall,
Soon enough you'll be, the new head on the wall

A filk by Murasaki to the tune of The House of the Rising Sun

SIRIUS:
There is a house in Grimmauld Place
In which live the "Toujours Pur,"
And though in ruins, it reminds me of
The way the old times were.

The only thing I was ever taught
Was that blood was only good pure.
I didn't believe a word of it;
I wasn't meant to be "Toujours Pur."

I resisted heartily
But my brother did not do the same.
So it was I who was the failure;
The stain on the family name.

My mother did disown me
But leaving was my choice.
I couldn't stay a minute more
In that place where I had no voice.

If I had listened to what mother said,
I'd have turned out evil, I say.
Thank Merlin I got out of there;
I'm free and on my way.

Oh my brother, oh my cousins:
Of my mother, don't listen to her!
She'll only bring you misery
In the House of Toujours Pur.

Now, times they are a-changin';
The dark ways have come back.
Ironically, the Order's base
Is in the Noble House of Black.

Going back to Grimmauld Place;
Things feel as the way they were.
I'm stuck back here in my old Hell:
The House of Toujours Pur.

A filk by R.J. Lupin to the tune of It's De-Lovely from Cole Porter's Anything Goes

Sirius decides to take Harry on a tour of the House of Black. Sirius can't help but express his lack of excitement for it

SIRIUS:
The house is black, it's just no fun
And if I were you, I'd turn and run
It's appalling, it's atrocious, it's horrendous

It's okay if you don't know why
You'd want to stay here, 'cause nor do I
It's appalling, it's atrocious, it's horrendous

Yet it's the perfect place
For the Order to meet face to face
'Cause I doubt anyone would come here otherwise
What a surprise

There's no way I could ever love
This house 'cause all it reminds me of
It's appalling, it's atrocious
It's so outrageous, it's incongruous
It's demented, it's so bizarre, it's grotesque
It's horrendous!

Sirius and Harry have now reached the part of Grimmauld Place around the portrait of Mrs. Black. Remus comes down the hallway and tells them to be quiet

REMUS:
Padfoot, don't be so loud around
Right here you know you shouldn't make a sound
SIRIUS:(loudly)
Hey Moony, will you shut your trap?!
I'm showing Harry this crap!!!

Sirius is too loud, and this causes Mrs. Black to start screaming

REMUS: (sarcastically)
Padfoot, you stay quiet so well
You got your mother to come shriek and yell
SIRIUS:
Moony, go bite yourself
I'll make her shut up but give me some help

MRS. BLACK:
Damn mudbloods and halfbreeds!!!
Scum and bloodtraiting brat!!!
All of you better leave!!!

Sirius and Remus close the curtain. Sirius gestures at the portrait to Harry

SIRIUS:
My mother's here, she yells and screams
She's stuck forever, and that's so mean
It's appalling, it's atrocious, it's horrendous

We'll have to decontaminate
This house I hate, it's in a bad state
It's appalling, it's atrocious, it's horrendous

You can tell with one peer
It's awful to be stuck living here
You can hear my dreadful mother shrieking all day-
MRS. BLACK: (comes out from behind the curtain again)
Filth, scum away!

Sirius closes the curtain again, then leads Harry through the rest of the house. When the tour is over, they are back near Mrs. Black's portrait, and Harry realizes that he doesn't like the house much either

HARRY: (getting steadily louder)
I certainly do see your point
The reason why you despise this join
It's appalling, it's atrocious, it's-

Sirius quickly covers Harry's mouth before Harry gets too loud and causes Mrs. Black to start screaming again. Harry sings again in a whisper

HARRY:
It's horrendous

A filk by Gail to the tune of He Was My Brother by Simon and Garfunkel

SIRIUS (with an acoustic guitar)
I had a brother
Regulus was his name
Pride of our mother
A much better son she'd often say

Lies he'd follow
Believed that Purebloods were better
Right little hero
He joined Voldemort and his Death Eaters

I heard how Regulus died
Got in too far, he had some doubt
Murdered by Voldemort
Because he wanted to back out

I had a brother
Now I am the last Black left
He soon discovered
It's a life time of service or it's death, oh God!
A life time of service or it's death

To the tune of Bobby and Jackie and Jack from Sondheim's Merrily We Roll Along

THE SCENE: 12 Grimmauld Place. Canonically, this scene is actually between SIRIUS and HARRY only, but I needed a third voice, hence HERMIONE'S presence.

HARRY
1995 …

HERMIONE
It's 1995 …

SIRIUS
And man, what a bad year it's been!

ALL THREE
So many terrors,
Such horrors it has brought,
We hardly know where to begin:
There's Voldy and Barty,
And Cedric Diggory

HERMIONE
Achieving victory

HARRY
But now he's history …

SIRIUS & HERMIONE
Harry keeps dreaming
And Hopkirk's owl came in.

HARRY:
And my scar hurts again.

ALL THREE
Good bye then to Four Privet Drive,
At least till the end of Book Five.

SIRIUS unveils a tapestry showing the "Noble and Most Ancient House of Black"

SIRIUS:
Grimmauld that we enter
Is as cheerful as dementors -
Thanks to my dark Black Family
Toujours
C'est Pur .

HARRY:
There's Reggie

HERMIONE:
And Old Mother Black.

ALL THREE
With a Sticking Charm on her back:
There's Aram and Phin and Elladora

HARRY:
Plus Alphard

HERMIONE:
Narcissa

SIRIUS:
Andromeda

HARRY:
And what's-her-name - ?

HERMIONE:
Pansy?

HARRY:
No, no, nada -
The one in the Pensieve -

HERMIONE & SIRIUS:
The one in the Pensieve?

HARRY:
LeOdd…LeWeird….

SIRIUS:
LeStrange.

HARRY:
That's it!

ALL THREE
The family tree goes way back,
And here's the most salient fact
This one was a pureblood and Slytherin
And that one was pureblood and Slytherin
The rest are all purebloods and Slytherins -
With half-bloods they never used tact,
Not Reggie and Old Mother Black
And Bella and Ell and Aram and Al and Reg and Dad and Andy and Narcy and Phin
And the others all raising this terrible din
Such noise!
And the Malfoys

Segue to the kitchen, where MOLLY leads her four youngest children in a vigorous clean-up campaign

MOLLY AND WEASLEY CHILDREN
We're changing the style of the Black House.

MOLLY
I'm cleaning it up for a start.

GINNY & RON
We're making it into a Phoenix attack house
To battle the Dark Lord's Dark Arts.

FRED & GEORGE
Evenings of some shady deals with Mundungus
And Snape making snarky reports.

MOLLY
I'll get old Kingsley Shacklebolt
To dine with us and tackle all the
Meatballs made in our food court

RON:
Together?

MOLLY
He'll lend such perfect support.

FRED:
Moody will show photos
Of those who've decomposed

RON:
And Podmore reads memos all day…

GINNY:
….To the morphing
Nymphodora-
The stylish young Auror-
Just don't say her first name or she'll hex you six ways!

MOLLY AND WEASLEY CHILDREN
We're changing the style of the Black House
Begone to each boggart-ish fear

MOLLY:
Get rid of the Doxies -

RON:
They sting a guy real bad.

GEORGE (aside to FRED):
But save some for toxins -
They prankish appeal have.

GINNY:
And soon we'll see Diggle…

FRED:
And Lupin!

RON & GEORGE:
And dear Dad!

WEASLEY CHILDREN (aside, from MOLLY)
And later, when the coast is clear,
Get out the Extendable Ears!

The WEASLEY CHILDREN dissolve in laughter. Segue back to SIRIUS, HARRY & HERMIONE

HARRY:
Now Father

HERMIONE:
And Old Mother Black.

ALL THREE
Some family branches subtract

SIRIUS:
Weasleys are off-limits, yes, that whole crew

HARRY:
And that includes Arthur -

HERMIONE:
- And Molly who-

SIRIUS:
Had Charlie and Ginny -

HARRY
-And Ronald too-

HERMIONE:
- And then there's the Dog Star -

SIRIUS & HARRY
Dog Star?

SIRIUS:
-Pluto-?

HARRY
Lassie?

HERMIONE:
You know - !

HARRY:
Padfoot!

HERMIONE:
Yes!

ALL THREE
As all the paintings get packed
Our house-elf is having attacks.

HERMIONE:
But Dumble says treat him with great respect

HARRY
His rights and his privileges please protect

SIRIUS:
But it would be more fun to wring his neck -
That worthless old family hack-

ALL THREE
For he will not forfeit
Not one of the portraits
Of Reggie or Old Mother Black
Or Bella or Ell or Aram or Al or Reg or Dad or Andy or Narcy or Phin
Or other Blacks in stacks and stacks and stacks
And stacks and stacks and stacks and stacks -
The Grimmauld Place at Number 12
Is home to one pack-ratting elf.

A filk by Gail to the tune of She Loves You by the Beatles

When Harry and Mr. Weasley returned from Harry's hearing at the Ministry of Magic, everybody felt so relieved. Fred, George and Ginny started doing a kind of war dance, singing a little song that went something like this:

FRED, GEORGE & GINNY:
He got off, yeah, yeah, yeah
He got off, yeah, yeah, yeah
He got off, yeah, yeah, yeah

He went to his hearing
It was earlier today
And we were all fearing
That injustice would hold sway
But then he got off
We were worried just a tad
Yeah, he got off
But now we're feeling really glad

They wanted him expelled
On charges they contrived
Dementors he repelled
On the street called Privet Drive
But then he got off
We just heard from dear ol' Dad
Yeah, he got off
And we bet that Fudge was mad...oooo!

He got off, yeah yeah, yeah
He got off, yeah, yeah, yeah
Like we knew he would
He's going back to school

The Ministry's unfair
At him they threw the book
But Dumbledore was there
He got him off the hook
Oh yeah, he got off
The Minister is a cad
Yeah, he got off
Why should Sirius look sad?....oooo!

He got off, yeah, yeah, yeah
He got off, yeah, yeah, yeah
Like we knew he would
He's going back to school
Like we knew he would
He's going back to school
Like we knew he would
He's going back....
To school!
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

A filk by Gail to the tune of Birthday by the Beatles

HERMIONE:
They've made me a prefect!

HARRY:
They've made Ron one, too yeah

HERMIONE:
They've made Ron a prefect?

RON:
My name's here on this letter

FRED & GEORGE(to one another):
There must be a defect
In the selection method

FRED:
Oh they've made Ronald a prefect. Perfect

GEORGE:
But our brother's intellect is suspect

FRED & GEORGE:
I just hope he doesn't expect respect

MRS. WEASLEY (coming into the room, excited):
This is wonderful news! Prefect!

FRED & GEORGE (to one another):
What a big whoop-de-doo

MRS. WEASLEY:
Prefect! I am so proud of you! Prefect!

FRED & GEORGE:(getting more and more angry):
Ooooo!

MRS. WEASLEY:
I'll buy you something new! Prefect!

FRED & GEORGE:
Gonna sp-sp-sp-spew!

MRS. WEASLEY:
Prefect!

RON:
Could you get me a broom?

MRS. WEASLEY:
Prefect!

FRED & GEORGE:
Spew!!!!!

(to Ron, after their mother leaves)
They've made you a prefect
We can't neglect you, Ron
Want us to genuflect?
We used to have a good time
But the both of us suspect
Those days are now through

With a loud cracking noise, the twins disapparate out of the room

A filk by Josh Riddle to the tune of Janis Joplin's Mercedes Benz

Scene: Molly just asked RON what present he would like as reward for being made a Prefect.

RON:
Oh Mom, won't you buy me a Cleansweep Seven?
My friends all have broomsticks, I must make amends
Been poor all my lifetime, more so than my friends
So Mom, won't you buy me a Cleansweep Seven?

Oh Mom, I can play with the twins and Harry
That Quidditch House Cup is calling out to me.
I dream I'm the hero each night when I sleep
So oh Mom, I can play with the twins and Harry!

Oh Mom, I can take out my girl on the town
She's counting on me, Mom, so I best not let her down.
Show her that I like her when I buy the next round
Oh Mom, I can take out my girl on the town!

Oh Mom, won't you buy me a Cleansweep Seven?
My friends all have broomsticks, I must make amends
Been poor all my lifetime, more so than my friends
So Mom, won't you buy me a Cleansweep Seven?

A filk by Dead Skunk by Loudon Wainright III

The Scene: The House of Black. Molly just opened the writing desk to get rid of the boggart and she begins wailing because the boggart takes the shape of her family…. Dead. Harry walks in to see himself dead on the floor and Mrs. Weasley crying…. Lupin bursts in and asks "What's going on?"

HARRY:
Cleaning the Black House late last night
She shoulda let Mad-Eye, he coulda done right
She opened up the writing desk… drawer
The thing popped out and there you are

You got your dead Ron in the middle of the floor
Dead Fred in the middle of the floor
Dead George in the middle of the floor
Makin' her cry, Lupin

LUPIN:
Take a happy thought, don't make a fuss
Whip out your wand and Ridikkulus!
You don't wanna look and you don't wanna see
Cause it's the death of your whole family

HARRY
You got your dead Ron in the middle of the floor
Dead Fred in the middle of the floor
Dead George in the middle of the floor
And it's makin' her cry Lupin

Well, you got your dead Percy, you got your dead Bill
On a moonlight night when Voldemort will kill
Got your dead Harry and your Arthur too
The worries and fears, will make you go "boo-hoo"

You got your
Dead Ron, in the middle
Dead Ron, in the middle of the floor
Dead Ron, in the middle of the floor
Makin' her cry Lupin
Oh this stinks!

You got it he's dead
He's in the middle
Dead Ron in the middle
Dead Ron in the middle of the floor
Makin' her cry Lupin

LUPIN
Oh Ridikkulus!
Get outta here man

Oh it's just a boggart!
It's gone!
It's disappearin'!
And you don't have to cry cry Molly

To the tune of the same name by Simon & Garfunkel

THE SCENE: Platform 9 ¾ - Sirius, in his guise as PADFOOT, joyfully escorts Harry to the Hogwarts Express - but now must face the dismal prospect of returning home.

PADFOOT:
I'm trotting to the railway station.
Helping Harry to his destination.
I tease a cat or two in jest
My paws spring up upon his chest
He then boards the Hogwarts Express
Now I've nowhere else to go, I guess.

Homeward bound,
I wish I weren't
Homeward bound,
Home, with that house-elf Kreacher
Home with its Dark Art features,
Home where my mom keeps screeching
Hatefully at me.

Ev'ry day's a constant stream
Of friends of Dumbledore's regime.
My home serves as The Order's base
And how I long to join their chase
But my name's stained with deep disgrace
I'm elf-like chained inside that place.

Homeward bound,
I wish I weren't
Homeward bound,
Home where Snape won't stop bragging,
Home Molly won't stop nagging,
Home where that elf keeps ragging
Hatefully at me.

Tonight I'll go back to my room,
Give Buckbeak dead rats to consume.
As memories come back to me,
Are they of James or of Harry?
I cannot live vicariously
I need something to challenge me.

Homeward bound,
I wish I weren't
Homeward bound,
Home, that I cannot forgive
Home, being a fugitive
Home, forced to be inactive
Hateful `tis to me
Hateful `tis to me.

Exit PADFOOT. Behind him, we suddenly spy Lucius Malfoy, smiling maliciously.

A filk by Gail to the tune of Lola by the Kinks

GINNY:
We saw her sitting there in the compartment
Where she was reading an article about runes-ah
R-U-N-E, runes-ah
Neville mumbled low, but I said, "It's alright"
Then we went inside that's when I said to her, "Hiya, Luna!"
L-U-N-A, Luna ...Lu, lu, lu Luna

She gave off a vibe that was very distinct
As she stared at us with eyes that barely blinked
Luna Lovegood, lu, lu, lu, Luna

Well, she's not dumb but it isn't quite clear
Why she wears a radish from each of her ears
Luna Lovegood, lu, lu, lu, Luna La la la Lovegood

Well, we rode the train and we soon found
Her magazine was upside-down
Hermione and Ron both came inside
Ron made a joke about a baboon's backside

When Ron made that joke Luna Lovegood she laughed
And the magazine she grasped
Fell to the floor, Luna Lovegood
Lu, lu, lu, Luna La la la Lovegood

Luna, lu, lu, lu, Luna La la la Lovegood

She let out a shriek, Ron looked at her strange
Like she was deranged, she clutched both her sides
As tears fell from her prominent eyes

Well, that's the way Luna Lovegood behaves
She always acts just a little bit crazed
Luna Lovegood, lu, lu, lu, Luna

I've never met another like her before
She's a loony, eccentric Ravenclaw
Luna Lovegood, lu, lu, lu, Luna

Well, Luna's father is the editor
Of that magazine that's called The Quibbler
Luna will tell you with great pleasure,
"Wit without measure is man's greatest treasure"

Some do not like her peculiar ways
I don't care what they say, I say she's okay
Luna Lovegood, lu, lu, lu, Luna La la la Lovegood

Luna, lu, lu, lu, Luna La la la Lovegood
Luna, lu, lu, lu, Luna La la la Lovegood

To the tune of From Every Kind of Man, from Gilbert and Sullivan's The Mikado

THE SCENE: The Great Hall. DUMBLEDORE tries to start the term off right, but meets some interference from the new Dark Arts Defense Professor

DUMBLEDORE:
Our Hat's complete its Sort
So let our feast now commence!
I'm the Headmaster of Hogwarts…

UMBRIDGE (interrupting):
….And I'll be teaching Dark Arts Defense!
This book by Wilbert
Will bore you inert
When I'm teaching Dark Arts Defense!

DUMBLEDORE:
To stroll in the Forbidden
Forest is a high offense…

UMBRIDGE (interrupting):
…And I'm not the least bit kiddin'
In my aims of teaching Dark Arts Defense
De - crees-
From me, teaching Dark Arts Defense

ALL:
De - crees-
When she's teaching Dark Arts Defense

DUMBLEDORE:
And Mister Filch has asked once more
(Four hundred sixty-secondth)
To not wave wands in corridors…

UMBRIDGE (interrupting):
…When I'm teaching Dark Arts Defense
My foes I'll condemn
With a soft little "HEM",
As I'm teaching Dark Arts Defense!

DUMBLEDORE:
And Quidditch tryouts occur
In merely three evenings hence….

UMBRIDGE (interrupting):
….If dutifully you defer
To the witch who's teaching Dark Arts Defense!
Quills grill
When I'm teaching Dark Arts Defense!

ALL:
Quills grill
When she's teaching Dark Arts Defense!

A filk by The Final Stillness of Saturn from Bon Jovi's Who Says You Can't Go Home

Seamus Finnegan in his first solo!

SEAMUS FINNEGAN:
For the last five years Harry and I have been good friends,
But I am sorry to say, it's come to an end.
He came to Hogwarts in a car that I'd like to give a spin,
Taught Neville, here, how to fit in,
And as our seeker, led to Gryffindor wins.
He entered the Tri-Wizard Competition on a whim.
He's been there, done that
and is now talkin' black and sounding plain grim.
Wish he knew: calling You-Know-Who back just isn't prim.
Mum says you can't trust him.

[Chorus]
Mum says you can't trust him,
That he and Dumbledore are mad is such a sin.
He was a good boy, but now he has gone dim.
Mum says you can't trust him.
Mum says that he's gone daft.
I said I believed him; at first she glared, and then she laughed,
Said her poor boy was caught in lies a-spin.
Mum says you can't trust him.
It's all lies, it's all lies, it's all lies, it's all lies, its all lies

After these years together, I will miss seeing his face,
But there are some things that friendship just can't erase.
It no longer matters how good of mates we have been
'Cause he insists that You-Know-Who is after him.
He may be the Boy-Who-Lived, not the Boy-Who-Lived-Again
Through these good times, Harry spreads this crazy notion,
Mum says you can't trust him.

Mum says you can't trust him,
That he and Dumbledore are mad is such a sin.
He was a good boy, but now he has gone dim.
Mum says you can't trust him.
Mum says that he's gone daft.
I said I believed him; at first she glared, and then she laughed,
Said her poor boy was caught in lies a-spin.
Mum says you can't trust him.
It's all lies, it's all lies, it's all lies, it's all lies, its all lies

Mum says you can't trust him.
It's all lies, it's all lies, it's all lies, it's all lies, its all lies
Mum says you can't trust him.

He's been there, done that
and is now talkin' black.
We were such good, good friends,
But he lied and I left, that's how the story ends.

It doesn't matter what he's done, it doesn't matter where he's been;
If he's lied just once, he can lie a million times that again.
Hear him talk, say words but don't take it in,
Mum says you can't trust him.

Mum says you can't trust him,
That he and Dumbledore are mad is such a sin.
He was a good boy, but now he has gone dim.
Mum says you can't trust him.
Mum says that he's gone daft.
I said I believed him; at first she glared, and then she laughed,
Said her poor boy was caught in lies a-spin.
Mum says you can't trust him.
It's all lies, it's all lies, it's all lies, it's all lies, its all lies It's all lies, it's all lies, it's all lies, it's all lies, its all lies
Mum says you can't trust him.
It's all lies, it's all lies, it's all lies, it's all lies, its all lies
Mum says you can't trust him.
It's all lies, it's all lies, it's all lies, it's all lies, its all lies
Mum says you can't trust him.

A filk by Gail to the tune of It Don't Come Easy by Ringo Starr

HARRY AND RON:
Those O.W.L.s aren't easy, we're told those O.W.L.s aren't easy

FRED AND GEORGE:
The pressure is severe for those in their fifth year
'Cause those O.W.L. tests, they aren't easy
You will want to skive the classes that they'll give
By the end you'll feel queasy

When O.W.L.s come around it's a big nightmare
Crying and breakdowns, but that is only if you care

McGONAGALL:
If you're serious and if all of you practice
Then the O.W.L. tests will be easy
An essay you'll write, better do it tonight
So you students should get busy

HARRY AND RON:
Forget about free time, the pressure's on now
The work they've assigned we will have to finish somehow

SNAPE:
Only the best who pass enter N.E.W.T.s Potions class
And those O.W.L. tests, they're not easy
But until that time when we say our goodbyes
I'll make sure you feel uneasy

I've come to expect a high pass standard
If you're not perfect my displeasure will come down hard

HARRY AND RON:
Want to go outside but our work is piled high
And these essays, they aren't easy
Now Hermione will not help us study
Says these O.W.L. tests they aren't easy

A filk by Haggridd to the tune of the same name from Lionel Bart's Oliver!

SCENE: Fred & George Weasley, entrepreurs extraordinaire, have gone on an all-out advertising blitz to publicize their new Joke Shoppe, Weasleys' Wizarding Wheezes, at Number 93, Diagon Alley. Singing full-page ads have been taken out in The Daily Prophet and The Quibbler, and they have appeared in every hearth connected to the Floo network to telemarket their new venture.

FRED:
Who will buy our Ton-Tongue Toffees?
Lots of laughs for a sickle.
Who will buy our Ton-Tongue Toffees?
Lots of laughs for a sickle.

GEORGE:
Will you buy Fever Fudge today, students?
Fever Fudge today, students?

FRED:
Who will buy our Ton-Tongue Toffees?

GEORGE:
Fever Fudge today, students?

FRED:
Lots of laughs for a sickle.

GEORGE:
Wildfire Whizz-bangs!
Wildfire Whizz-bangs!

THE NEXT FOUR PARTS ARE SUNG AT THE SAME TIME

GEORGE:
Wildfire Whizz-bangs!
Fever Fudge today, students?

FRED:
Who will buy our Ton-Tongue Toffees?

LEE JORDAN:
Skive, skive off class!
Want to skive off class?
Skive, skive off class!
Want to skive off class?
Who will buy?

GEORGE:
Who will buy?

FRED:
Who will buy?

LEE JORDAN:
Who will buy?

FRED & GEORGE:
Who will buy our Wizarding Wheezes?
Owl-orders shipping is free.

LEE JORDAN:
Who will buy our Ton-Tongue Toffees?

FRED & GEORGE:
Or come down to Diagon Alley
Our shoppe's at Number Ninety-Three.

LEE JORDAN
Wildfire Whizz-bangs!

FRED & GEORGE:
You ought to try Skiving Snackboxes,
When homework gets too strong,
And you would then be sly as foxes
Skip class the whole year long.

LEE JORDAN:
Fever Fudge today?

FRED & GEORGE:
Made from only finest ingredients.
Venomous Tentacula seed.

LEE JORDAN:
Skive, skive off class!
Wildfire Whizz-bangs!

FRED & GEORGE:
Tested them on First-Years at Hogwarts
The orange end's for you
To turn your face quite blue
The purple end makes it recede.

LEE JORDAN:
Who will buy?

FRED:
Who will buy?

GEORGE:
Who will buy?

ALL:
Who will buy?
Who will buy our Wildfire Whizz-Bangs?
Filibuster's Fireworks are through.
For the paltry sum of five Galleons
The Basic Blaze box is for you.
But if you care not for comportment
You should take our advice.
Deflagration Deluxe assortment
Is cheap at half the price!

Who will buy our Wizarding Wheezes?
We supply Extendable Ears.
Souvenirs for those who would listen
To all those persons who
Would keep secrets from you

FRED & GEORGE:
There must be someone who will buy.

LEE JORDAN:
Who will buy our Ton-Tongue Toffees?
Lots of laughs for a sickle.

Rumor has it that Weasleys' Wizarding Wheezes is supplying special equipment to the Department of Mysteries, for use by the Unspeakables.

A filk by Murasaki to the tune of I'll Make A Man Out of You from Disney's Mulan

Snape comes quickly into the Potions room; the frightened and intimidated Gryffindors stare at him and the Slytherins smile knowingly.

SNAPE: Let's get down to business,

He slams the door.

To pass the O.W.L.s.

The entire class grimaces in fear. A few of them put their hands to their faces and shout.

CLASS: Ah!

SNAPE:
I suggest you all work hard this year,
Because your skill level smells.
You're the foulest class I've ever had,
So remember, when you study:
To be an Auror, you must pass with an "E."

The students begin to brew their potions as Professor Snape prowls the classroom, inspecting all of his students' work

Add the powdered moonstone;
Add the syrup of hellbore.

He stops and stares into Harry's cauldron, over which he stands, stirring feverishly.

If you forgot one step in this,

He Evanescos Harry's potion.

Your potion will be no more.
You're in desperate need of outside help,
So remember, when you study:
To be an Auror, you must pass with an "E."

RON (his head in his hands): I'm never gonna pass this class.

NEVILLE (trying to put out the fire on his desk): Tell Gran I'm just registering "Squib."

HERMIONE (stressfully flipping through a Potions textbook): Why was a I fool for studying more for Transfiguration?

DRACO (smirking and watching everyone else in satisfaction): My dad'll make sure I pass.

GOYLE (tipping some of Draco's cauldron into his own): I think I'll just cheat and ad-lib.

HARRY (looking glumly into his empty cauldron): Now I really wish I was Sorted into Slytherin . . .

CLASS: Potions class!

SNAPE: Calmly wait for your brew to boil.

CLASS: Potions class!

SNAPE: Take a flagon and cork it fast.

CLASS: Potions class!

SNAPE: Longbottom, please control that raging fire,
Or you'll be with Potter in Remedial Potions class.

Cut forward to later in the year: Snape stands at the front, and Dolores Umbridge comes into the room, grinning sadistically.

The Inquisitor comes to see us,
As the Ministry bid her do.

Turns and glares down at Harry.

Though I quite detest her,
I like her more than you.

I'll see you after class quite soon;

Leans in to whisper out of the corner of his mouth to Harry.

I will help you with Occlumency.

Stands upright again and speaks out loud.

As you will never, in this class, get an "E."

CLASS: Potions class!

SNAPE: Calmly wait for your brew to boil.

CLASS: Potions class!

SNAPE:Take a flagon and cork it fast.

CLASS: Potions class!

SNAPE: Potter, don't bother with that raging fire,
I'll be seeing you anyway in Remedial Potions class.

To the tune of the same name from Singin in the Rain, lyrics by Arthur Freed, music by Nacio Herb Brown

THE SCENE: DADA class. UMBRIDGE introduces herself to the Gryffindor students (The class actually met in the afternoon - since afternoon would not scan, I'm taking the license of moving the initial DADA class to be before lunch).

UMBRIDGE:
Good mornin', Good mornin'!
It's my DADA debut
Good mornin'
Good mornin' to you.

Good mornin', good mornin'!
Now I demand reply

GRYFFINDOR STUDENTS (through gritted teeth)
Good mornin', good mornin' to you.

UMBRIDGE:
Now your wands please put away
Your textbook open wide
Only Ministry-approved
Information is inside

We're reforming, reforming!
First chapter now read through,
Informing, informing for you,
And you, and you, and you!

HERMIONE (with her hand raised)
I'm swarming
I'm swarming
With questions just for you.

UMBRIDGE:
Ignoring, I'm ignoring you.

HERMIONE (with her hand raised)
I've got a little query why you're only teaching theory

UMBRIDGE:
I am scornin',
I am scornin',
Don't sweat, there is no threat
No storming,
I'm informing you.

HARRY & RON:
She wants us not to think hard
So she's got us reading Slinkhard

UMBRIDGE:
When you took this class before
With peril it was rife
Now risk is gone
Danger withdrawn
'Cause this is school, not real life

So I'm affirmin'!
Affirmin'!
No one wants to get you
Good people...

HARRY:
There's evil!

UMBRIDGE:
I'll scold!

HARRY:
Lord Vold!

UMBRIDGE:
That will points cost!

HARRY:
How was Ced lost?

UMBRIDGE:
Misfortune!

HARRY:
Lord scorchin'!

UMBRIDGE:
Do not tell lies!

HARRY:
I won't revise!

UMBRIDGE:
Detention for you.

Exit HARRY, to McGonagall's office

To the tune of James Brown's Papa's Got a Brand-New Bag

THE SCENE: MCGONAGALL'S office. She lectures Harry on the importance of watching his back around Prof. Umbridge

MCGONAGALL:
Look out Harry.....MOM is in control
I ain't too keen...about that Umbridge babe
She lives to nag
DADA's got a brand new hag

Look out Harry....for her detention scene
It's not too pretty....and her lines are really mean
This ain't no gag.
DADA's got a brand new hag

She's truly a jerk....
She's really a spy
Don't play her cheap and don't argue 'bout "lies"
She is Fudge's flunky, she'll smash and veto
Hang back Hal, she'll delete-oh
El mosquito.

Look out Harry
MOM is in control
You're in her grip now
So you must now keep your head down;
Don't wave your flag
We've got a brand new hag

In DADA....you can't ever smirk
Just get through the term... follow Herm,
Your outburst of pique, that just ain't the right technique
The thing's....don't let her harangue.
Hey....come on
Hey! Hey.....come on
Hey! Hey...don't risk it...have a biscuit....
Come on, Hey! Hey!

A filk by Haggridd of the song Sit Down, John from Peter Stone's 1776

SCENE: Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger, newly-minted Gryffindor prefects, confront the Weasley twins, Fred & George, who are using first-years as guinea pigs.Hermione urges Ron to exercise his authority. The twins are unimpressed by their little brother's new office.

HERMIONE:
Come on, Ron! Come on, Ron!
By Godric, Ron, come on!
Come on, Ron! Come on, Ron!
By Godric, Ron, come on!
Ron, you must remember you're a prefect!

(to the Twins)
Don't hurt those first-years!

FRED & GEORGE:
They're all volunteers!
Besides, you see they all are still alive!

HERMIONE:
Ron, you must remember you're a prefect!

RON (reluctantly):
I say skive off! Skive off! No more Fainting Fancies, please!

FRED & GEORGE:
Hey! Our ickle Ronnie's now a prefect!

RON
I say skive off!

FRED & GEORGE:
Sit down, Ron!

RON (practically begging):
No more Fainting Fancies, please!

FRED & GEORGE:
Listen hard now, Ronniekins the prefect!
No, no, no! Two dozen tries! Nobody dies!
See? The ickle Firsties all are still alive!
Say, Ron, go and ask your fellow prefect
Can't she compromise here?

RON
: Skive off!

HERMIONE:
No, the law applies here!

RON
: Skive off!

FRED & GEORGE:
For Godric's sake, Ron, sit down!

RON
Good Godric! Consider yourself lucky that you have brother Ron to abuse; Hermione'll never tolerate it!

FRED & GEORGE:
Ron, you're a bore; we've heard this before
For Godric's sake, Ron, sit down!

RON
I say skive off!

FRED & GEORGE:
No!

RON
Skive off!

FRED & GEORGE:
No!

RON
No more Fainting Fancies, please!

HERMIONE:
And I'll post an owl to your mother!

RON
I say skive off!

FRED & GEORGE:
Sit down, Ron!

RON
No more Fainting Fancies, please!

FRED & GEORGE (to Ron):
Will you please stop Hermione?

RON:
Never!

Even the Weasley Twins must bow before the elemental moral force that is prefect Hermione

To the tune of I Me Mine by the Beatles

HERMIONE:
All through the year, I remind, I remind, I remind
I'll stay polite, I remind, I remind, I remind
Though I sound like a skinny prig
I'll let no guinea pigs
On Skiving Snackboxes dine
All through the year I remind

HERMIONE/FRED & GEORGE:
I/She re-remind/s, I/She re-reminds,
I/She re-reminds, I/She re-reminds.

FRED & GEORGE:
Hear how she nags, she reminds, she reminds, she reminds.
Though we both gag, she reminds, she reminds, she reminds.
Our Research and Development
Right straight to hell it went
Diving into a decline,
All through the year she reminds.

HERMIONE/FRED & GEORGE:
I/She re-reminds, I/She re-reminds,
I/She re-reminds, I/She re-reminds.

HERMIONE:
Those poor First-Years, I remind, I remind, I remind
Can't persevere, I remind, I remind
So then I'll surely Molly tell
If things aren't jolly well
When you two twins are entwined
So please be nice, I remind.

A filk by Jill to the tune of Heartbreaker by Pat Benatar

THE SCENE: In the Gryffindor Common Room, Hermione explains what she is doing with those "misshapen woolly objects."

HERMIONE:
Those elves deserve emancipation, though they don't want to try
Get them pay and good benefits, then they'll see just why
Though I'm just a beginner, I will knit to set those house elves free
They'll be paid to cook dinner, and you know that they'll be like Dobby

I'm a hat knitter
Sock fitter, house litter
I will set those house elves free!
I'm a hat knitter
Sock fitter, house litter
They'll be slaves no more - NO NO NO!

Who knows how long they've felt oppression, under wizards' control
They wear dirty cleaning rags, in a meek servile role
Though I'm just a beginner, I will knit to set those house elves free
They'll be paid to cook dinner, and you know that they'll be like Dobby

I'm a hat knitter
Sock fitter, house litter
I will set those house elves free!
I'm a hat knitter
Sock fitter, house litter
They'll be slaves no more - NO NO NO!

Though I'm just a beginner, I will knit to set those house elves free
They'll be paid to cook dinner, and you know that they'll be like Dobby

I'm a hat knitter
Sock fitter, house litter
I will set those house elves free!
I'm a hat knitter
Sock fitter, house litter
I will set those house elves free!
I'm a hat knitter
Sock fitter, house litter
I will set those house elves free!
I'm a hat knitter
Sock fitter, house litter
Hat knitter!

To the tune of The Masochism Tango by Tom Lehrer

Inspired in part by a presentation at Nimbus 2003, on July 19: Harry Potter and Stoic Virtue by Edmund M. Kean

THE SCENE: The DADA office, replete with animated kitty-cat posters. HARRY arrives for another in an interminable series of "Detentions with DELORES." This evening the office is set up as a dance floor, and DELORES, with a rose in her hair, challenges HARRY to that most confrontational of dance forms, the tango.

HARRY:
When confronting some person who'd hurt you
I rely on one primary virtue
I don't lack will
I don't fear your black quill,
As we dance to the Stoicism Tango.

To no one will I ever make mention
Of Dolores' horrid detention
Pleasant it ain't
But no word of complaint
As we dance to the Stoicism Tango.

UMBRIDGE:
You tell such lies
To help you realize,
I'm one of the good guys…

HARRY:
Yeech!

UMBRIDGE:
….Compliance I demand

So still your rage
I will unlock your cage
Once we're on the same page:
Your penalty's at hand!

You will learn penmanship and calligraphy
Through my exacting choreography

HARRY
My hand is on fire
Not one drop I'll perspire
Which is what she desires as we tango.

UMBRIDGE:
All Hogwarts knows
How you're spending the whole week
With a Ministry control freak
Who has you in her grip

HARRY:
So in class I suppose
It would be far more Stoic
If somewhat unheroic
If I kept my mouth zipped

UMBRIDGE:
Twixt' Potter and I it's a standoff

HARRY:
Like Wormtail I will cut my hand off
Before I give sign
That this writing of lines
Can weaken my spine as we two Tango.

UMBRIDGE:
See how we mesh,
My words carved in your flesh,
I feel so refreshed,
You know you cannot win.

HARRY:
This ranks quite low
Compared to Crucio
That I felt when You-Know-
-Who set out to do me in

UMBRIDGE glares at HARRY for daring to mention his imaginary encounters

Yikes! - 'Scuse me!

UMBRIDGE:
Return here tomorrow precisely
At the same time to do further slicing.
Write with your blood,
"I shall learn to be good"

BOTH
As we dance to the Maso -

- Oops, we mean Stoicism Tango!

A filk by Richard to the tune of Eve of Destruction by Barry McGuire

HARRY
This Class Room,
It is too stuffy,
Sitting here 'cause,
I didn't study.
Umbridge looks at me, her face all ruddy,
"You can't speak of the Dark Lord - to any of your buddies,"
Now the back of my hand's all-
Friggin' bloody.

But ya-Tell me, over and over and over again, my friend-
How ya don't believe, we're on the eve-
Of detention

Don't ya understand what is going on here?
Can't you see Umbridge is a - pain in the rear?
If only I could leave, I wouldn't have no fear,
They'll be so much to cheer-
With the end coming near.
Take a look around you dear, it all seems pretty clear

But ya-Tell me, over and over and over again, my friend-
How ya don't believe, we're on the eve-
Of detention

Yea, Umbridge's so mad
Her decrees are a-failin'
I'm sitting here, just patiently waitin'
She can't face the truth: the Dark Lord's been a-baitin'
And the foolish minister thinks I am a-fakin'
And truth itself is fully awakin',
My wizard's respect is disintegrating,
This boring classroom is just to frustrating

And ya-Tell me, over and over and over again, my friend-
How ya don't believe, we're on the eve-
Of detention

To think of being late,
It's giving me great chills,
She gives me a glare,
As if looks could kill.
You may've come here,
To take over this place,
But when Albus returns,
He'll take back his own space.
Your cuttin' black quill,
Your big toadish face,
You can step aside now,
The poltergeist will give chase,
Till that great day comes,
I'll just stick to my old ways

And ya-Tell me, over and over and over and over again my friend,
Ya don't believe, we're on the eve of detention,
No no ya don't believe, we're on the eve of detention.

A fik by Richelle to the tune of Will You Love Me Tomorrow by Gerry Coffin and Carole King

HARRY
Every evenin' in detention
I look out the window at the pitch
Out there's a game that I wanna play
I'm feelin' the pain, tryin' to keep sane

Oh, give me my Firebolt and let me fly
I wanna get lost in the sky above and drift away
Oh, give me my Firebolt and let me fly
I wanna get lost in the sky above and drift away

Beginnin' to think that I've lost my mind
I don't understand what's happenin' here
All that I did was tell the truth
Now I'm tryin' to hide my pain from you

Oh, give me my Firebolt and let me fly
I wanna get lost in the sky above and drift away
Oh, give me my Firebolt and let me fly
I wanna get lost in the sky above and drift away

And when my hand is bleedin'
I need anything to soothe me
And when I'm feelin' down
My Firebolt's comin' through to help me
Thanks for the freedom you've given me
I'll take my broom & fly away
The wind & the clouds & the sunshine
All help me along, makin' me free

Oh, give me my Firebolt and let me fly
I wanna get lost in the sky above and drift away
Oh, give me my Firebolt and let me fly
I wanna get lost in the sky above and drift away

A filk by Debbie aka elfundeb to the tune of Will You Love Me Tomorrow, written by Gerry Coffin and Carole King

Scene: HARRY in Umbridge's office at midnight, first night of detention

HARRY:
Dolores gave me detention
Her quill's a sadist's invention
Sweet talk can't hide
The evil of her lies
Will she still cut me tomorrow?

Is this a moment's torture
Umbridge's secret pleasure
A night with Snape
Would be a great escape
Will she still cut me tomorrow?

Tonight the lines have faded
I kept my silence through the night
But would that toad be sated
If my hand gushed out blood till morning's light?

I'm missing Keeper tryouts
Didn't write my essay on giants
I asked her once
Now I can't ask again
Will she still cut me tomorrow?

To the tune of Don't Cry For Me Argentina from Lloyd Webber's Evita

THE SCENE: The Quidditch Field. As he tries out for Keeper, RON passionately implores Angelina to let him join Gryffindor's Quidditch Team.

RON:
This is not easy, I think you'll laugh
But I'll try to maintain I won't fail
If you will give a chance to the last Weasley son
Take it or leave it.
And I will follow the path Wood once flew
Since now I have a worthy broom
A slick Cleansweep Seven brand-new

I have to try for Keeper, might be a gaffe,
But this isn't the time to turn tail
Looking out for the Quaffle, until the game is won.
I can achieve it
Sweeping around trying it out, out of view
How can I express it at all?
This destiny I must pursue…..

I'll fly for thee, Angelina
In truth I'm no human Bludger
But unlike Vicky
Or Geoffrey Hooper
I'll do no whining
With Charm Club troopers

And as for Frederick and as for George
They've always derided me so
For it seems to the twins I am merely a prat
Because I'm prefect
They say there's some defect deep-rooted in me
The fans will forgive that whole thing
If I win a great victory

I'll fly for thee, Angelina
I'll give it the royal treatment
All through my field day
Let Slytherin scorn
I'm a Gryffindor
Since I have been born

Have I said too much?
There's little more I can show to you, I am no king
But all you have to do
Is let me play to make the Hogwarts fans all sing!

RON successfully blocks a Quaffle, dodges a Bludger and does a victory loop during the orchestral crescendo. Segue to Harry, doing another detention with Umbridge, catching a faint glimpse of RON'S loop from the open window.

A filk by R.J. Lupin to the tune of Be Like the Bluebird from Cole Porter's Anything Goes

ANGELINA: (spoken)
You know what your problem is, Ron?
RON: (spoken)
Problem?! Who said I had a problem?!
ANGELINA: (spoken)
You did. Anyway, the rest of the team agrees. You have to have some confidence. You have to believe in yourself.
FRED: (spoken)
You have to listen to that song Oliver used to sing. D'you remember it, George?
GEORGE: (spoken)
Of course I do. With the way he sung it over and over, how would you forget?

FRED and GEORGE:
There's an old song that Oliver
Would sing as he would fly
He said it helped him so much that it was zen
And our dear Keeper, Oliver
Sung it so much our nerves would die
So just shut it while we must hear it again

When you see the Chaser zooming toward you
And you have no clue just what you should do
Then be like the Quaffle, then think, 'Quaffle'
Don't let it make a goal

When you think the opponent may top it
Then you idiot, you better stop it
So be like the Quaffle, then think, 'Quaffle'
Don't let it make a goal

Be like the Quaffle and think where it goes
Or you will not block it, you could be hit on the nose

If you want to star as a Quidditch player
Then be great, or on those bets, you'll end up the payer!
Just block on and on, and keep it in your soul
'Quaffle'
Don't let it make a goal

RON: (spoken)
Wow. And Oliver really sung that?
GEORGE: (spoken)
Well... no... we kind of made it up...

Fred and George exchange glances as Ron stares at them

FRED: (spoken)
Uh... bye, Ron! Be like the Quaffle!

Fred and George quickly run off, snickering

A filk by Nymphadora to the tune of Light My Candle from Rent

MALFOY: (spoken)
Hey, Weasley!
(sung) Is that a log
Or a broom?

ANGELINA:
Ignore them, they're
They're Slytherins

RON:
But I thought that my broom was good
Made of real birch twigs and Spanish oak wood

SLYTHERINS:
Gryffindor are losers

HARRY: (to Ron)
You aren't scared of them?

RON:
Nothing
I'm just a bit nervous

HARRY:
No, you look awful
(to himself) Can Ron make it?

RON:
I haven't caught one single ball
Because my nerves are making me miss them all-
Oops!

MALFOY:
Weasley, you're so pathetic that--

HARRY: He isn't pathetic at all!
(To himself) Or is he?

ANGELINA:
Go on
Throw the ball toward him

MALFOY:
He missed again!
Louder now, my friends-

SLYTHERINS:
Gryffindor are losers!

RON:
Now…..oops!....

ANGELINA:
Crap.

RON:
Oh, my bad. I--

ANGELINA: -
-panicked!
You hit Katie in the nose and-
She's bleeding!
Let's go.
Goodbye.

Later, in the common room Harry and Hermione are talking

HERMIONE:
Did Ron catch one yet?

HARRY:
Well, I think that he's getting good-
All right he's lousy, yes, I'll admit,
But Angie won't permit
Ronald to quit.

HERMIONE:
I'm sure that
He's really got it in him somewhere

HARRY:
He's got flair! Just needs to be aware…

HERMIONE: Aware?

HARRY:
The Slytherins all tease him
And he gets frightened

HERMIONE:
Is that true?

HARRY:
Yeah. It scares him to death

HERMIONE:
Oh no… that's bad

HARRY:
It's true-
Here comes Ron-
Oh no-

RON:
I'm really awful-

HARRY:
You just get distracted.
Only with a crowd-
It's your problem,
You just have those nerves.

HERMIONE:
Isn't that Percy's owl Ron?
What does he want with you?
Take a look!

RON (reading letter):
"My dearest brother Ron"-how creative-
"I hope you'll listen to me even if I am gone-
Watch out for that Potter
Oh, please be careful 'bout Potter
He might be unbalanced and
He might be violent too
I don't know
But he's odd for his age
He's just making me mad
Saying the ministry's bad."

HARRY: I don't believe what I hear
RON: He's just a git I told you-
HARRY: He was so nice-
RON: But now he's cold
HARRY: Uh huh he was part of your family

RON:
Now he's left us and he's a prat
There's more! It's another-um-warning…
(reading letter) "Dumbledore cannot see…
Be loyal to the ministry
And that is all Ron
I hope you'll adjust to what I've told you
Remember that you're not alone-
I hear Umbridge is willing to help..."

HARRY:
Bah Humbug!

HERMIONE:
Bah Humbug!
(reading letter): "Also, I've heard
You've-- become a prefect
That's fine, with me
Because- you'll gain respect! As a Prefect
Your Brother- Your Brother- Percy…."

A filk by Gail to the tune of I'm So Tired by the Beatles

RON (fuming):
I'm so mad, Percy sent me a note
I'm so mad, I tore up what he wrote
Percy acts so arrogant, you should have heard him gloat
Oh, oh, oh!

I'm so mad at what I just have read
I'm so mad, I think he should drop dead
I can't believe my brother, do you know what Percy said?

He said our parents are wrong
And that I'll find out that it won't be long
Until Dumbledore's regime is through
And Harry's friendship I shouldn't pursue
And there'll be changes from the Ministry, so I shouldn't be surprised

I'm so mad, no use in hiding it
You know, I'm so mad, he's why our family's split
Here's what I think of Percy
He's the world's biggest git

Percy tried to encourage
Me to go to Professor Umbridge
If I was troubled by my friend Harry
And that Umbridge was a delightful lady
Dad reckons Fudge only promoted him so he could be his spy
He's broken up our family 'cause of his stupid pride
He's made our father so angry and made our mother cry

A filk by Anne Urbanski to the tune of Behold The Lord High Executioner from W.S. Gilbert and Sir Arthur Sullivan's The Mikado

The Scene: Madam Trelawney's tower. Dolores Umbridge arrives to inspect the fifth-year Gryffindor Divination class. Overture, Umbridge enters, Trelawney and students glare

UMBRIDGE:
I am the Hogwarts High Inquisitor
Here to ensure your class is really up to snuff.
I'll just sit down like I'm a visitor;
Oh, don't mind me, I'll watch and learn and write some stuff
HEM HEM, HEM HEM
I'm the Hogwarts High Inquisitor
HEM HEM, HEM HEM
Pledge allegiance to me, or the Ministry
Will boot you out on your kee-ee-ster

Tell me, Madam Trelawney,
How long have you taught at Hogwarts?

TRELAWNEY:
Sixteen years it soon will be.
(aside) Why must I be grilled by upstarts?

UMBRIDGE (smirking):
So, you have the Inner Eye?
Please, then, make me a prediction.

TRELAWNEY (affronted):
Seers See not, if they try,
And their trances are not fiction!
Why must you interrogate?
I don't understand your diction.
My technique you do berate
This inspection's an affliction.

HARRY & RON (fretting):
Must the cow interrogate?
Force her to make a prediction?
Oh dear, we fear Trelawney
Will receive a malediction....

UMBRIDGE:
HEM HEM, HEM HEM,
I'm the Hogwarts High Inquisitor
HEM HEM, HEM HEM
So in ten days' time you'll discern if I'm
Going to pass you or toss out your keester.

TRELAWNEY (angrily):
You'd dare, you'd dare, you'd dare, you'd dare?

UMBRIDGE (gleefully):
I would, I would, I would, I would!

GRYFFINDORS: (fearfully):
She would! She would! She would! She would!
No good! No good! No good!

UMBRIDGE (triumphantly):
HEM HEM,
I'm the Hogwarts High Inquis-
The High In-quis-i-tor!

Umbridge struts out like a toady peacock. Trelawney breaks down. Gryffindors huddle morosely.

A filk by Eric Oppen to the tune of Behold the Lord High Executioner from The Mikado by Gilbert and Sullivan

Hogwarts, the Great Hall. A flourish of trumpets. Enter DOLORES UMBRIDGE, preceded by Pansy Parkinson and Millicent Bulstrode, dancing backwards before her and strewing her path with rose petals, carried on a litter by the other members of THE INQUISITORIAL SQUAD

INQUISITORIAL SQUAD (IN FOUR-PART HARMONY):
All hail the Hogwarts High Inquisitor!
A bureaucrat of unlimited power!
She isn't just some random visitor,
Her influence increases every hour!
Defer! Defer!
To the Hogwarts High Inquisitor!
Bow low! Bow lo-o-w!
To the Hogwarts High,
To the Hogwarts High,
To the Hogwarts High Inquisitor!

UMBRIDGE:
I worked at the Ministry,
Helping out Cornelius Fudge,
That was just my cup of tea,
Got to be a Wizard Court judge.
Minister Fudge then asked me
To help him get rid of his grudge,
Here I am and soon you'll see
Potter's lies thrown into the sludge!
Classes you may take with me
Will prove to be quite a dull trudge,
But soon the naughty Three
Will find out that I will not budge!

INQUISITORIAL SQUAD (IN FOUR-PART HARMONY):
Defer! Defer!
To the Hogwarts High Inquisitor!
Bow low! Bow lo-o-w!
To the Hogwarts High, to the Hogwarts High,
To the Hogwarts High Inquisitor!

To the tune of I Am So Proud from Gilbert & Sullivan's The Mikado

THE SCENE: The Great Hall. McGONAGALL & ANGELINA JOHNSON react with anger when they learn that HARRY has earned himself a second week of detention with Delores Umbridge.

McGONAGALL
You both got loud
But I'm allowed
To quiet the scene
And intervene
For my advice
Did not suffice
To shut your trap
When Dolores talks crap.
I'll take away points
To make my point
You're out of joint
You disappoint
You disappoint

ANGELINA:
Our Quidditch team
Won't rank supreme
We will fall through
All thanks to you,
All thanks to you;
If you'd the wit
To simply sit
Through class, you'd cruise
We would not lose
Now this young witch
In woe is rich
We'll Seek no Snitch
Thanks to your glitch

HARRY:
I heard her say
That Quirrell's OK
The criminal who
Helped You-Know-Who
I did not fail
To mock her tale
And so detained, detained
With too much pain.
But I defy
Old Fudge's ally
I tell no lie
Is ever my cry

The three repeat their verses, all singing simultaneously (thus preventing the would-be eavesdroppers from Ravenclaw from listening in)

MCGONAGALL
Your plight
Tonight is that you must write
Just make this leap:
Your temper keep
Make not a peep
Against that creep
Rewards you'll reap
You'll get more sleep

ANGELINA:
Your plight
Tonight is that you must write
I'm sure you see
That your duty
Is be truly
For the GQT
That once flew free
With rare beauty

HARRY
My plight
Tonight, although I write,
Let her begin
To carve my skin
Despite her sin
To her chagrin
I'll not give in
She will never win!

MCGONAGALL (simultaneously with the other two singers)
You'll get more sleep, etc.

ANGELINA: (simultaneously with the other two singers)
With rare beauty, etc.

HARRY (simultaneously with the other two singers)
I'll not give in
She will never win, etc.

HARRY, McGONAGALL & ANGELINA
To do her dark detention is a drear dread drill
As I/you hear her hemful hacking like a sharp shriek shrill
I/You scribble every sentence with her cold cruel quill
That bids my/your blood be battered to this fiend fulfill!
To do her dark detention is a drear dread drill
And hear her hemful hacking like a sharp shriek shrill
I/You scribble every sentence with her cold cruel quill
That bids my/your blood be battered to this fiend fulfill!
A drear dread drill!
A sharp shriek shrill!
A cold cruel quill!
A fiend fulfill!
To do her dark detention
As I/you hear her hemful hacking
And to scribble every sentence
That bids my/your blood be battered to this fiend fulfill!

A filk by Salazar to the tune of Deliver Us from The Prince of Egypt

THE SCENE: HARRY, RON & HERMIONE are discussing the situation regarding DADA.

HARRY:
Quill!

RON:
Witch!

HERMIONE:
Theory!

ALL:
Damn...Umbridge!
Quill! That hurts you...
Witch that's her...
Theory that sucks up
Damn...Umbridge!

HARRY
With the sting of the quill on my right hand

HERMIONE
With the stench of Slinkhard in my mind... RON
Dumbledore, patron saint
Please expunge this woman's taint!

HERMIONE
Harry's kind!
We'll do fine...if...

He mentors us!

RON
Yes, Harry, please mentor us!

BOTH
Teach us all that you do know
Thwart the Inquisitor!
Please mentor us!
You say you can protect us...
Please mentor us!
Just like Dumbledore...

Switch to the meeting in the Hog's Head

HARRY
In the D-A-D-A OWL
We will fail fair or foul
If you give me not an ounce of sass
There's a chance that you might pass!

STUDENTS
We'll help you beat Umbridge...
If you will please mentor us! (held)

HERMIONE
Please mentor us!
For our grades,
Please mentor us!
We need aids
To learn our stuff
Or else we'll have bad scores...

STUDENTS
Please mentor us!
They say you can protect us!
Please mentor us
If you're for real...

Please mentor us
Just like Dumbledore...

HARRY
Prepare, my students
We have work to do
If Umbridge finds out, we're screwed
Keep out of trouble and think all this through
Keep up a good attitude...

HERMIONE
Harry, oh Harry, that was a great speech...
We'll have such a member list!

RON
Let's just start quickly so we can be free
Men for, he'll mentor like bliss!

Music accompanies the entire DA walking into Umbridge's classroom

UMBRIDGE
Students, you're here now and here you will stay
So read Slinkhard's book, Chapter Four.
Please keep your mouths shut and work real hard.
I am your Inquisitor...

STUDENTS
Please mentor us,
Let's have Potter teach all to us
And he'll mentor us
Just like Dumbledore...

He'll mentor us
Just like Dumbledore!

HARRY (reluctantly)
I'll mentor them!

To the tune of Don't Pass Me By, by the Beatles (a group we never pass by/bypass)

THE SCENE: The Hog's Head Inn. HARRY, expecting only a handful of student inquiries concerning Hermione's proposed extra-curricular DADA classes, is flummoxed when over two dozen fellow students enter.

HARRY (to Hermione):
Just look at all those students
Coming through the door
Look at all those students
You said three or four

CHORUS OF STUDENTS:
Waiting for your lecture
In this run-down bar
We must hear it
How you came to be the hero that you are

HARRY
I hear the students asking
How I saved myself
It was not my doing
I had lots of help

CHORUS OF STUDENTS:
But whenever there was a fight
You won and kept your health
You must teach us
How you came to be the hero with the scar

HARRY
Just pass me by, I'm not your guy, I can't teach you
Though I know Umbridge hasn't got a clue
Dark Arts Defense is too intense
The hurdles are so immense
Just pass me by, I'm not your guy, I can't teach you

CHORUS OF STUDENTS
Although some may have doubted you
Your skills are so rare
You flew against dragons
Snakes slew in dark lairs.
We think it would be great
If you were our tutor
And maybe we'll learn with Herm to say
That scary name "Voldemort."

Don't pass us up, no "ifs" or "buts," don't drop the ball
'Cause you know, Harry, we would learn it all
We merely seek to once a week
Enhance defensive spell techniques
Don't pass us up, no "ifs" or "buts" ………..

A filk by Gail to the tune of It's Only Love by the Beatles

DOBBY:
'Mione leaves clothes so they'll be freed secretly
It's her dream but we elves see her scheme - they're angry
Feeling really peeved that she's concealing clothes

She leaves these clothes, they are appalled
The elves say that she's being dumb
She doesn't know what names she's called
'Cause they don't want their freedom

When Dobby sees clothes he's very pleased - says, "Yippie!"
He agrees to keep the tower clean from debris
He keeps every piece though he's teased for it

These clothes she leaves, Dobby takes all
Though Dobby's always being shunned
The elves perceive they're not enthralled
But Dobby's the exception
Yes, Dobby's the only one
Only one

A filk by Gail to the tune of Love Me Do by the Beatles

HARRY:
We must retreat
To where we can meet
It must be discreet
We need - need a room
Whoa-oh, need a room

Must be a place
That has enough space
To become our base
We need - need a room
Whoa-oh, need a room

Somewhere that is
Hidden away
Where I can teach
D.A.D.A

We have to go
Where Umbridge won't know
'Cause she is our foe
We need - need a room
Whoa-oh, need a room

Then twenty-eight
Friends and school-mates
Will appreciate
When we - can resume
D.A. class anew
Yeah, need a room
Whoa-oh, need it soon

A filk by Ravenclaw Chaser to the tune of Beer For My Horses by Toby Keith and Willie Nelson

SCENE: HARRY is addressing the large group in the Room of Requirement at the first meeting of the secret Defense Against the Dark Arts club.

HARRY:
Well this lady comes into Hogwarts School
And starts making up all these stupid rules
She gives us all detention
That cuts into our skin
We'll show what we think
Of letting Umbridge in
Yeah, don't keep Dolores in

HERMIONE:
Now that Voldy's returned, we've got to stand up

RON:
But the Ministry's turning us into Dark Arts fluff

RON and HERMIONE:
We'll take it into our hands
To learn what we need
Taking Defense lessons
From our boy, Harry
And what he has seen

HARRY, RON and HERMIONE:
Justice is the one thing that they'll always find
At Hogwarts School we don't waste any time
When the wands sparks settle we'll sing a victory tune
And we'll all meet back at the Requirement Room
We'll raise up our voices against evil forces
Singing, "We'll have our own Defense Courses!"

ANGELINA:
It's no wonder that "Dolores" means "pain"

FRED:
That lady's going to drive us insane

CHO:
It's time to stand united, like the Sorting Hat advised

GINNY:
We're Dumbledore's Army, what the Ministry despised

HERMIONE:
And no matter how hard they try

RON:
They'll see justice is what they're going to find
Against the Dark Lord's lackeys, we'll draw a hard line

HARRY:
Yell Expelliarmus, hear the Phoenix tune
And we'll all meet back at the Requirement Room

RON and HARRY:
We'll raise up our voices against evil forces
Singing, "We'll have our own Defense Courses"

RON:
Taking our own Defense Courses

Instrumental as the group splits up to practice Disarming Spells.

ALL (except HRH):
You know that united is what the Ministry will find
At Hogwarts School, we'll cross all their lines
And you know we won't settle down anytime soon
'Cause we're coming back to the Requirement Room
We'll raise up our voices against evil forces
Singing, "Harry's got all our Defense Courses"

Singing, "Harry's got all our Defense Courses"

A filk by Anon E. Mouse to the tune of The Song of King Herod from Lloyd Webber's Jesus Christ Superstar

This is what I think Zacharias was trying to say on his first DA meeting.

ZACHARIAS:
Potter, I am overjoyed to meet you face to face.
You've been getting quite a name Umbridge can't erase.
Fighting dragons, curses to the head.
Now you take on the whole world,
At least, that's what they've said.
So, you are the One, you are the Chosen One.
Then I bet it won't do harm, if you show us that charm.
That's all you need do, then I'll know it's all true.
Come on, the Boy Who Lived.

Potter, I just can't believe the hype they've made of you here.
You are all they talk about, they'll warble on all year.
Oh what a pity if it's just a fib
Still, I'm sure that you can spell much better than a Squib

So, if you are the One, if you're the Chosen One.
Prove to me that you're no fool; summon broomsticks up from school.
If you make 'em glide, I'll gladly take your side.
Come on, the Boy Who Lived.

I only ask what I'd ask any Chosen One
What is it that you have done that makes the rest undone
I am waiting, with all of Hufflepuff
I'm dying to be shown the things that make you all so tough.

So, if you are the One, if you're the Chosen One.
Show us why you won't retreat if you should Death Eaters meet
Or has something gone wrong. Potter, why do you take so long?
Oh come on, Boy Who Lived.

Hey! Mister The-Boy-Who-Lived?
Mister Chosen to Live?
You're a joke I can't applaud!
You are nothing but a fraud.
Hey, then, farewell.
You all have been swell!
I'm done with The Boy,
I'm done with The Boy,
Oh I'm done with The Boy Who Lived!
I'm out of here!
I'm out for good, so
Get out of my life!

A filk by The Final Stillness of Saturn to the tune of Pearl Jam's Don't Call Me Daughter

Because Zacharias is an annoying, self-centered git

ZACHARIAS SMITH:
Believe? Should I? Potter just showed up in the middle of the field.
Cedric? Murdered? Now the center of attention.
What's Potter got I don't? Who will question him, ask
For proof, if I won't?

The Death Eaters are just in his head
Nothing's wrong... Minister says nothing's wrong...

Don't tell me Potter tells the truth.
Bad always happens around him.
Don't tell me Potter; you're lying.
Like only you'd see You-Know-Who?
Don't tell me...

He holds you all rapt, feeds you lies.
He can...lie to you...ooh...oh...

Don't tell me Potter isn't lying.
He's almost expelled ev'ry spring
Don't tell me Potter; you're crazy.
You came back holding a body.
Don't tell me Potter isn't lying.
He's almost expelled ev'ry spring
Don't tell me Potter; you're crazy.
You came back holding a body.
Don't tell me Potter.

The Death Eaters?
The Death Eaters?
The Death Eaters aren't real...

A filk by Eustace Scrubb to the tune of Oliver's Army by Elvis Costello

HARRY
Meeting at the Hog's Head
on a windy day
I just got drafted to
teach Defense 'gainst the Dark Arts

Dobby has some information
Seems he knows of just the right location

(Chorus--sung by all of the DA)
Dumbledore's army is here to stay
Dumbledore's army are on their way
And learning hexes here just may
Keep DEs at bay

There was a dame called Umbridge
She wouldn't teach a soul
Sent here by Mister Fudge
To establish Ministry control

Starting with Expelliarmus
Then some Stunning and Impedimenta

(Chorus)
Dumbledore's army is here to stay
Dumbledore's army are on their way
and learning hexes here just may
keep DEs at bay

Hogsmeade is up for grabs
London is full of hags
We could be at the MoM
In the midst of the second war
With Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw and Gryffindor

But where there's danger
We will go despite our fear
And it was all arranged
With just a word in Mr. Dobby's ear

With a little luck this might just work
We can help in fighting V-Voldemort

(Chorus)
Dumbledore's army is here to stay
Dumbledore's army are on their way
And learning hexes here just may
Keep DEs at bay

A filk by Eric Oppen to the tune of Bless 'Em All

Oh, she came to the school, she was sent by a fool,
She thought she'd supplant Dumbledore,
But she did so much wrong, (that's the theme of this song)
That the school's now rebelling and more!

Chuck her out! Chuck her out!
We don't want Dolores about!
McGonagall acts just like Peeves is her pal,
We won't give up till we're rid of this gal!
And we're all trying to chuck her out,
We don't care how much she can shout!
We each play a prank, my, those Dungbombs sure stank,
We'll not stop until she's chucked out!

She first got a nudge from old Minister Fudge,
To teach us Defense Against Dark Arts,
She just had us read, when the thing that we need
Is to practice all of the hard parts!

Chuck her out! Chuck her out!
We don't want Dolores about!
Hogwarts does not need an Inquisitor,
She'll make us write lines in blood nevermore!
And we're all trying to chuck her out,
We love to see her scream and pout,
Each wizard and witch would get rid of that bitch,
We'll not stop until she's chucked out!

It was a dark hour when they gave her power
To see how the teachers would teach,
To see whom she'd sack she went on the attack
With "hem hems" peppering her speech!

Chuck her out! Chuck her out!
We don't want Dolores about!
She's not quite as evil as Lord Voldemort
But that doesn't mean we want her any more!
And we're all trying to force her out,
We'd bust her one right in the snout,
The Weasleys were right and we'll join in the fight
We'll not stop until she's chucked out!

She went after scrawny Professor Trelawney
And rattled the poor dear but good,
And she tried to get rid of Rubeus Hagrid,
But then she was lured to the wood!

Chuck her out! Chuck her out!
We don't want Dolores about!
Huffles, and Gryffies, and Ravens unite,
She's going to know that she's been in a fight!
And we're all trying to force her out,
We don't care if she does have clout,
We're on the attack until Dumbledore's back
We'll not stop until she's chucked out!

A filk by Suzanne Chiles to the tune of Cole Porter's Brush Up Your Shakespeare from Kiss Me Kate

DA STUDENTS:
Since You-Know-Who-o came back last year
We know that there is a lot to fear
But fear won't help when the bad guys come
We've got to be ready for the scum
Our training so far has been spotty
Our professors have been rather dotty
And this Umbridge is just the awfulest
We know we won't pass the our OWLS test.

So we haven't got much knowledge
To know how to kick their bum
And we need you, Harry, to tell us
So we don't have to succumb.

HARRY AND HERMIONE:
Brush up your Dark Arts
Defend against them right now
Brush up your Dark Arts
Because you must learn the know how

HARRY:
Just throw out a quick Expelliarmus
And know that Lord Voldy is gonius.
If a Death Eater tries to AK you
A banishing charm is overdue.
And if they attack you with Crucio
You can conquer them with an Incendio.
Brush up your Dark Arts
And they'll all kowtow.

DA STUDENTS:
Brush up your Dark Arts
Defend against them right now
Brush up your Dark Arts
You must learn the know how

HERMIONE:
And if Bellatrix taunts you with baby talk
A Jelly Legs Jinx won't let her walk.
When a Malfoy will try to torture you
A well-placed hex will bid him quick adieu.
If old Umbridge sends you some dementors
Your Patronus will kick them like centaurs.

ALL:
Brush up your Dark Arts
And they'll all kowtow. (Confundus)
And they'll all kowtow. (Alohamora)
And they'll all kowtow. (Obliviate)
And they'll all kowtow.

A filk by Haggridd of the song I Can Do That from the musical A Chorus Line.

SCENE: Zacharaias Smith recounts the origins of Dumbledore's Army

ZACHARAIAS SMITH:
I'm watchin' Harry swish-and-flick,
Said, "I'm just as slick; I'm just as slick."
Knew ev'y gesture of the trick,
Said, "I'm just as slick: I'm just as slick."
One evening we went to the Hogs Head.
We formed the DA on the spot--
Hoped we don't get caught
So we found the Room of Requirement;
Signed the parchment quadruple-quick.
Now I'm really slick,
I'm really slick.

Took Harry's classes in Defense,
Got confidence in all of my spells
Thanks to Harry the DE's we'll lick.
I'm no longer slack;
Slickness means ME!
I'm really slick.

A filk by Stella to the tune of Penny Lane by the Beatles

In the D.A., there is a table full of sneakoscopes
And there are many shelves of books lining the walls
In the room Dobby calls 'Come and Go'
Harry stares at Cho

As the twenty-eight begin to fill the D.A. room
Marietta will soon stab them in the back Yet, disarming skills the students lack
Smith's wand flies away
Very strange

The D.A. is in my ears and in my eyes
Filled with students as I hear them cry… 'Expelliarmus'

By lesson three, Parvati mastered the reductor curse
Bringing some Dark Detectors out of the scene
Zacharias Smith is acting mean
But it goes unseen

The D.A. is in my ears and in my eyes
Fighting Umbridge who we all despise…behind her back

Harry Potter is proud of his new Defense class
In O.W.L.s they all are sure to get an 'A'
And though he wishes that he could stay
They leave anyway

They take a galleon that will tell them when the meetings are
The idea taken from the Dark Lord's men
Hermione used a protean charm on them
To make them the same
Very strange

The D.A. is in my ears and in my eyes
In the room that no one else can find we practice all we can
The D.A. is in my ears and in my eyes
Practicing away from prying eyes

The D.A…

A filk by Tracy Hunt to the tune of Superstition by Stevie Wonder

NEVILLE:
Very secret meetings, happenin' down the hall,

GINNY:
Very secret meetings, twenty-nine of us in all,

RON:
Umbridge drove us to it, with her dreadful class

FRED (with GEORGE finishing his sentence):
Now we'll learn some magic, which can really save our ass.

HERMIONE:
When you believe in things and you must take a stand

LUNA:
Then remember,
Secret meetings are the way

CHO:
Very secret meetings, Harry leads us all

MARIETTA:
First Expelliarmus, wands bouncin' off the wall,

SEAMUS:
Now we try Patronus, wonder what we'll see,

JUSTIN:
Many wisps of silver, can't tell what they'll be.

ENTIRE DA:
When you believe in things and you must take a stand
Then remember,
Secret meetings are the way, yeh, yeh.

HARRY:
Very secret meetings, please don't tell a soul,

HERMIONE:
Very secret meetings, DA's got one goal.

RON:
Umbridge drove us to it, with her dreadful class

FRED (with GEORGE finishing his sentence):
Now we'll learn some magic, which can really save our ass.

ENTIRE DA:
When you believe in things and you must take a stand
Then remember,
Secret meetings are the way

To the tune of Tom Lehrer's It Makes a Fellow Proud to Be a Soldier

THE SCENE: Harry reflects upon the great strides made by the soldiers of Dumbledore's Army

HARRY:
My heart, a talisman, inside my chest with pride it glows
For the Hogwarts' youth, resisting Umbridge beneath her nose.
For we are creating just exactly what she fears the most:
A Dark Art Defense Army for the Dumbledore of Hosts!

Now Neville's skill in magic was quite weak, we've sometimes felt
He never met a cauldron yet he didn't know how to melt
But his lessons serve him like a charm
As Neville each of us disarms
It makes a fellow proud to lead the DA!

When Colin came to Gryffindor, he made me quite annoyed
He followed me about non-stop with his damn Polaroid
But no more is he a detriment
Since he mastered Impediment
It makes a fellow proud to lead the DA!

Though Parvati may act like an airhead, she
Could turn Auror if she likes with what's she learned
With me as her instructor
She does such a mean Reductor
That our table now to dust has turned

Hermy's our intellectual, gets from books most every skill
She's just learned the Patronus Charm, through an intensive drill
It could not look any odder
Her Patron's a hairy otter
It makes a fellow proud to lead the DA!

Cho Chang Seeks for her Quidditch team, I think she's pretty cool
I still have to get a handle on the events of last year's Yule.
She will learn to combat the DEs
If I can cope with my weak knees
It makes a fellow - tense - to lead the DA!

Now, Luna Lovegood's taste runs to the strange and the bizarre
She sprinkles conversations with words like umgubular.
Despite talk of conspiracies
She is the gal who thestrals sees
It makes a fellow proud to lead the DA!

Ginny Weasley was the sweet and naïve type
Through his diary, Riddle played her like a pipe
That persona she's now shed
As she mimics George and Fred
It's now guaranteed she'll make the Min'stry gripe.

Our Professor has a handicap to cope with, so to speak
She's a Borgia who is into pain, a truly sadistic freak
But we'll meet every week until
We end her triumph of the quill.
And so we defy Umbridge
We're what her entourage allege
We'll push right over the edge with DA!

To the tune of Your Cheatin' Heart (sung by Hank Williams, Elvis Presley, et al.)

THE SCENE: The Great Hall. On the morning of Gryffindor's game against Slytherin, LUNA surprises the Trio with an unconventional show of support.

LUNA
My lion hat will help you win
You'll fly so high 'gainst Slytherin
I charmed my hat to give a mew
My lion hat will roar for you

Though folks may point and even laugh
We'll proudly roar on your behalf
I shoulda made a snake for it to chew
My lion hat will roar for you

Though folks will gape and even stare
I will present unique headwear
You'll win, Gryffindor, when you take wing
And Ron will be The Lion King
And Ron will be The Lion King

A filk by Gail to the tune of Rock This Town by the Stray Cats

GEORGE:
Well, my teammates and me played Quidditch yesterday morn
We had our brooms flyin' high, I said baby we were airborne
Well, all the Slytherins had these badges that they wore
Heard them all laugh, we tried hard to ignore
But let them taunt, 'cause Gryffindor's still a good team

Well, my brother's the Keeper and he really ain't half that bad
It's just that he gets so nervous
Whenever anybody watches
Well, all the Slytherins began to sing
About Ronald being their king
Come on Ronnie, Ronnie, don't let Malfoy mess with your mind

(Chorus)
I'm gonna sock this clown
Punch Draco's lights out
I'm gonna sock this clown
Make him scream and shout
I'll sock, sock, sock his block
I'm gonna sock him in the chops
I'm gonna sock him 'till he drops
I'm gonna sock this clown
Punch his lights right out

Well, Harry caught the Snitch and we started to celebrate
Well, then that git Malfoy, he said things that made me feel irate
He insulted our Mom, insulted our Dad
Insulted us all and that really made me mad
I'm gonna sock this clown
I'm gonna rip this git apart

(Chorus)

Rip this git apart

(Chorus)

Rip this git apart
I'm gonna sock this clown
Knock his lights right out
I'm gonna sock this clown
Rip this git apart
I'm gonna sock this clown
Rip this git apart

A filk by Ginger to the tune of Kodachrome by Paul Simon.

HARRY:
When I think back
On D.J. Umbridge, High Inquis'tor,
It's a wonder
That chick had such gall.

And though I vowed that her detentions
Wouldn't hurt me none.
Her "hem-hem"ing drove me up the wall.

Firebolt!
It gives me acceleration.
It gives me such great elation.
Makes me think I can win each game I play, oh, yeah.
I got a top-notch broomstick.
It's better than the Slyths' by half,
So Umbridge, don't take my Firebolt away.

Though it took all the girls the Gryffs
Had playing Quidditch
To keep the twins and me out of that fight.
You know that black and blue
Were never Draco's colours.
He looked better bouncing furry white.

Firebolt!
It gives me acceleration.
It gives me such great elation.
Makes me think I can win each game I play, oh, yeah.
I got a top-notch broomstick.
It's better than the Slyths' by half,
So Umbridge, don't take my Firebolt away.

(repeat with elaboration)

A filk by Anon E. Mouse to the tune of The Ballad of Easy Life, from Brecht and Weill's Threepenny Opera

WALDEN MACNAIR addresses the Giants, winning immediate support from Golgomath.

MACNAIR:
I've got to ask you on Voldy's behalf.
Is now this what giants call a living?
You roll in filth and in each other's face.
I'd say to you the world was not forgiving.
Your size and strength should earn you some respect.
And you should not be forced to live out here.
But if you take it, what do you expect?
I'd say what you should do is very clear.

So listen carefully to Wald Macnair.
If they don't treat you right, let's make things fair!

MACNAIR AND GOLGOMATH:
So listen carefully to Wald Macnair.
If they don't treat you right, let's make things fair!

MACNAIR:
Dark Lord can offer you a helping hand.
With him in charge, you'll never be mistreated.
You will be free to go as you please
The moment muggle-lovers are defeated.
Just side with us, bring down every wall,
That blocks your way, and then all will be fair.
When cities tremble, your oppressors fall.
The whole new world is waiting out there.

So listen carefully to Wald Macnair.
If they don't treat you right, let's make things fair!

MACNAIR AND GOLGOMATH:
So listen carefully to Wald Macnair.
If they don't treat you right, let's make things fair!

A filk by Gail to the tune of You Won't See Me by the Beatles

HARRY (Ron, Ginny, Hermione and all the rest who couldn't see the thestrals):
When we all approached
The carriages
I saw at our coach
These images
Yes, I saw them there
I couldn't help but stare
But I became aware
That they don't see them (We don't see them)
They don't see them (We don't see them)

Heads shaped like dragons
Pupil-less eyes
With bat-like wings and
Reptilian hides
Just like skeletons
I wondered what my friends
Would think about them
But they can't see them (We can't see them)
They can't see them (We can't see them)

Year after year
Those coaches didn't need horses
They were all steered
And pulled by magical forces
I asked Ron what he
Thought of those things
But he couldn't see
Was he kidding?
Then Luna Lovegood
Said she also could
See where those creatures stood
Why can't they see them? (We can't see them)
They can't see them (We can't see them)

In Hagrid's class
He explained about the thestrals
We were aghast
In the forest these creatures dwell
People think thestrals
Are unlucky
But we heard him tell
Why few can see
They come into sight
When you've see someone die
Which then explains why I
Could only see them (We can't see them)
I can see them (We can't see them)

A filk by Jill to the tune of Go Where You Wanna Go by The Mamas and the Papas

THE SCENE: Harry returns to the common room confused and finds Ron and Hermione waiting for him:

HARRY:
I snogged with Cho under mistletoe
No clue of what to do
Could've been better; she cried and then she sniffed

I snogged with Cho under mistletoe
No clue of what to do
Could've been better; she cried and then she sniffed

I don't understand
How a girl like her can like this one man
Shouldn't she smile, if she likes me so
But she clung to me as her tears flowed

'cause I snogged with Cho under mistletoe
No clue of what to do
Could've been better; she cried and then she sniffed

I snogged with Cho under mistletoe
No clue of what to do
Could've been better; she cried and then she sniffed

HERMIONE CHIMES IN:
You don't understand
That a girl like her can like a dead man
He's been gone for months, and she's cried so hard
Bound to be the grievin' kind
And she is the girl he left behind

BACK TO HARRY, A LITTLE MORE ENLIGHTENED, BUT STILL CONFUSED:
I snogged with Cho under mistletoe
No clue of what to do
Could've been better; she cried and then she sniffed

I snogged with Cho under mistletoe
No clue of what to do
Could've been better; she cried and then she sniffed

I snogged with Cho under mistletoe
No clue of what to do
Could've been better; she cried and then she sniffed

A filk by Haggridd of the Kahn-Schwandt-Andre song Dream a Little Dream of Me by the Mommas and the Pappas.

Dark corridor before you
You see it all through eyes of You-Know-Who
You have to rescue Arthur Weasley.
Dream a little dream of V.

Try to make your mind empty,
Blank, calm, and of all emotion set free.
Else you'll be prey to Legilmency.
Dream a little dream of V.

A dark room now; Avery's had it.
Bode couldn't get past.
Rokewood lingers not, his Lord's gratit-
Tude doesn't last.

Dream of Padfoot in torment
Now that your skill is no longer dormant.
Still, you know naught of the prophecy.
Dream a little dream of V.

piano bridge

Sirius fading, he cannot refuse
Or make his escape.
To save him you'll even stoop to use
Severus Snape.

You can't let Voldy find you.
These dreams, if any thing, should remind you
Your only hope is Occlumency.
Dream no little dream of V.

A filk by Ginger to the tune of Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds by the Beatles..

HARRY (singing to himself)
Picture yourself in a hall in a basement
With blue lights and doors- beyond them a prize.
Hear your self speaking, quite high-pitched and coldly
And find you've herpetical eyes..

Always the doorway with sights yet unseen
Runs in the dreams in your head.
Ron's fateful snoring comes as a surprise,
And it's gone..

Voldy in My Mind with Visions
(repeat)

Bowing low down is a man with the knowledge
Of Prophecy records and what therein lies.
Rookwood now grovels- you thank him profusely.
Your voice is so cold and so high.

Summoned now, Avery appears at the door
Wishing he could run away.
Look in the glass, at your serpentine skull
And it's gone.

Voldy in My Mind with Visions
(repeat)

Picture yourself in a hall in a basement,
Your arms reaching outward to capture the prize.
Suddenly you're with your friends in your bedroom
With no more herpetical eyes.

A filk by Pixieberry to the tune of Good Night by the Beatles

Voldemort, closing his eyes and entering Harry's mind, sings

VOLDEMORT:
Now it's time to say good night
Good night, sleep tight.
Harry, do turn out the light,
Good night, sleep tight.
Dream my dreams with me,
I'll dream my dreams with you.

Through the Ministry we'll soar.
Good night, sleep tight.

Down the hallway, find the door.
Good night, sleep tight.
Dream my dreams with me,
I'll dream my dreams with you.

Little Harry dream with me.
Good night, sleep tight.
We shall find the prophecy.
Good night sleep tight.
Dream my dreams with me,
I'll dream my dreams with you.

Goodnight, good night Harry Potter,
Go and find the prophecy,
Good night.

To the tune of New Ways to Dream, from Lloyd Webber's Sunset Boulevard

THE SCENE: HERMIONE is concerned that HARRY is neglecting his Occlumency lessons.

HERMIONE:
Dusk till dawn,
These are the rules,
Your mind must close.
Embrace the calm,
Emotion-free
Each time you doze.
Such evil plans
Of Voldemort -
Probing your mind
That is his scheme.
Harry, this is
No way to dream.

Segue to HARRY, dreaming, running down an eerily-lit corridor, determined to get a few steps closer.

HARRY:
In the dark
Quicken my pace,
Move it along
As I embark,
Soon I will find
That which I long.
I'll see it soon
It's within range,
Within my mind
Answers will gleam.
This has become
My way to dream

A sudden noise made by Ron awakens him

A filk by Behind Blue Eyes from Pete Townshend's Who's Next

HARRY:
I have seen what it's like
To be the bad man
To be the mad man
Behind red eyes

I have sensed what it's like
When he's angry
At the failings
Of his dark allies

And my dreams
They aren't as empty
As I wish that they could be

I've spent hours, in a long hallway
With a locked door
Beckoning me

No one knows what it's like
To feel his feelings
Like I do
What must I do?

No one else knows his joy
Or his anger
Most of my schoolmates
Don't think it's true.

But my dreams
They aren't as empty
As I wish that they could be

I've heard Rookwood telling secrets
To further vengeance
That's aimed at me.

When my scar hurts me, don't tell Sirius
'Cause he might panic and lose his cool
If I tell Ron or Hermione
They may just shrug and I'll feel like a fool.

Sometimes I feel I'm possessed by evil
I see the Headmaster as though I am a snake
If our eyes meet, I feel I should strike him
Though he's the last person that I should hate

I have seen what it's like
To be the bad man
To be the mad man
Behind red eyes

A filk by Gail to the tune of Wait by the Beatles

HARRY:
Gliding on cold stone
Alone, flat on the floor
My eyes could then scan
A man guarding the door
Snake! The man sat in the dim light
I controlled my urge to bite

But then the man stirred
He heard! To his feet, flew
How did he respond?
His wand he quickly drew
Snake! I coiled up and swiftly sprang
And attacked with my large fangs

I bit him thrice
My aim, precise
And in his flesh
His fresh blood I could taste
He yelled in pain
But was not slain
I woke again
And had to act in haste

My roommates stood there
Were scared, at my bedside
"It wasn't a dream
It seemed too real," I cried
"Snake! Mr. Weasley needs our aid
Or he'll die," I said, afraid

"McGonagall
We need to tell
Dumbledore that
Down at the Ministry
Trouble occurred."
When D'dore heard
He then conjured
For us a quick Portkey

Now at Grimmauld Place
We pace, worried all night
There's nothing to say
I pray he is all right

To the tune of How Great Thou Art by Carl G. Boberg and RJ Hughes

HARRY:
'Twas late at night, as I fell into slumber
To dream of Cho, demanding my broomstick
Then all at once, I was no more encumbered
By arms or legs, as my forked tongue did flick.

Some Inner Eye this vision gave to me
A snake got Art, a snake got Art
I saw it all from serpent POV
A snake got Art, a snake got Art

Across the floor, I did as serpent slither
And found a man, a-snoring in the door
So I then struck, I know not how or whither
And left that man, all drenched in blood and gore

Some Inner Eye this vision gave to me
A snake got Art, a snake got Art
My forehead hurt with pain quite terribly
A snake got Art, a snake got Art

And then I woke, in pain so loudly screaming
McGonagall inquired of my state
And so she said, "We must report this dreaming
To Dumbledore, who likes to stay up late."

Some Inner Eye this vision gave to me
A snake got Art, a snake got Art
I'd call it a psychic catastrophe
A snake got Art, a snake got Art

So Dumbledore came out with some contraption
That issued smoke, which serpent form assumed.
"In essence, thus, divided," was his caption,
And then I saw, through me was Arthur doomed.

Some Inner Eye this vision gave to me
A snake got Art, a snake got Art
And so I must now learn Occlumency
A snake got Art, a snake got Art

A filk by Ginger to the tune of Motherhood March from Hello, Dolly

If you haven't seen it, let me take a second to set you up on what happens during the song. Barnaby and Cornelius are playing hookey from work, take a trip to New York and end up in a hat shop trying to evade their boss, Horace, who wanders in after them. They hide. The hat shop owner, Mrs. Malloy, her assistant Minnie, and Dolly are trying to help them escape by distracting Horace. They sing a song consisting of patriotic-sounding non sequiters as they march him around the room. None of it makes sense in the original either.

I took that idea and ran with it.

THE SCENE: Harry and the Weasley children are in Dumbledore's office awaiting the portkey. Fawkes' warning tells them that Umbridge is on her way. Dumbledore says, "Minerva, go and head her off- tell her any story."

Now, in a rare behind-the-scenes view, unauthorized, yea, undreampt of by JKR herself, we find out just how Minerva managed to hold the toadlady at bay.

Dashing down the steps, McGonagall muttered bracingly to herself, "Tell her any story, but what?"

"Ah, Pamona, Filius," she gasped spying Sprout and Flitwick on the stairwell, "I need your help. Umbridge is on her way to the Headmaster's office and we need to stop her."

"Stop her?" squeaked Flitwick. "Surely she won't stand for..."

"Stand for what?" simpered Umbridge hefting her rotund form around a bend in the stairs.

"Why," McGonagall floundered, "Why, it's important to know what you stand for. Why, I stand for... a lot of things...important things..."

cue music

McGonagall takes Umbridge by the arm, marches her around the landing a few times and back down the stairs as she sings...

McGONAGALL:
I stand for magichood, the ministry and a good broom for orphans.
Take off you hat, ma'am, Dilys Derwent's ghost is passing.
Do you see him free the world of Grindelwald?
Near th' historic Queerditch Marsh?
If you see him with Ghouls Gadding down at Fortiscue's,
Stand up and march, march, march.

Sprout takes Umbridge by the other arm, leading her further down the stairs as the music vamps:

SPROUT:
Has this not effected you, Ma'am?
I stand for magichood, the ministry and a good broom for orphans.
Lower your wand, ma'am, Kennilworthy Whisp is writing.
Do you see him sulking in the Shrieking Shack?
Near St. Mungo's entry arch?
If you see him playing Gobstones with the Giant Squid,
Stand up and march, march, march.

As the music again vamps, Flitwick takes his turn on Umbridge's arm. The ladies do a reprise of their verses as Flitwick sings a countermelody:

FLITWICK:
Diagon, just go down to Diagon.
"I regret that I had but one Year with the Yeti."
In the words of Muldoon,
"Naught but a Goblin could ope' the door."
"Yes, dad, I can escape Azkaban!"

MM, PS, and FF:
If you see him chasing blooders in the Queerditch March.

Bertie, Bertie, Bertie Botts' beans!
Stand up and march, march, march.

MM:
Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!

MM, PS, and FF:
March, march, march.

PS:
Damn all the stunners, death's an adventure!

MM, PS, and FF:
March, march, march!

Umbridge finds herself in the Great Hall, and realizing she's been had, charges out and heads back to Dumbledore's office.

BTW, "vamp" in this case has nothing to do with Snape. And we won't ask what Sprout and Flitwick were doing up after hours.

To the tune of Hark the Herald Angels

A somewhat impressionistic look at 12 Grimmauld Place during the Christmas season

Hark, the Grimmauld boggarts sing
In their impersonating.
Weasley dead, a murdered child
Molly's grief is deep and wild
Arthur faces deadly peril
Sirius filks Christmas carols
Kreacher, though bound by elf laws
Searches for an escape clause.
Hark, the Grimmauld boggarts sing
In their disguise of frightful things

Harry sulks with Buckbeak indoors
Prepossessed with Voldemort
As he feeds to Bucky dead rats
He concludes that he should scat.
Phineas, on canvas, mobile,
"Oh, I see, you're being noble."
Ginny says, "I'm not impressed,
You ain't the one who's been possessed."
Hark, the Grimmauld boggarts sing
In their disguise of frightful things

Screaming portrait of Mother Black
Who a third dimension lacks.
Though she's only paint and oil
Half-breeds cause her blood to boil.
Elfish heads with caps of Santa
Black and Snape in deadly banter
An enormous Christmas tree
Covers up the tapestry
Hark, the Grimmauld boggarts sing
In their disguise of frightful things
Hark, the Grimmauld boggarts sing
In their disguise of frightful things!

A filk by R.J. Lupin to the tune of Step Into Christmas by Elton John

The Scene: Christmas at 12 Grimmauld Place during OotP. Sirius had another little song he liked to sing during Christmas, using his infamous name pun that greatly annoyed Remus.

SIRIUS:
Welcome back to Grimmauld Place
I know it really sucks a lot
But a'since we're celebrating here
I might as well fill it with cheer

I know that things are a lot like that word
That word that starts with 's'
But when I make this Christmas best
Oh!...
You'll use that word a new way

Sirius Christmas
Don't want to miss this
We can stay together forever and ever
No time to be tragic, everything's magic
Sirius Christmas
There's none like this

REMUS:
Oh no, you're using the name pun
See I told you it's not funny
SIRIUS:
We'll you've just no humor at all, It
Always made James laugh at fall

Harry begins laughing at the two of them

HARRY:
How could I think that running to
Privet Drive was right to do?
RON:
I'm glad you've come to your senses
HERMIONE:
Yep, and Happy Christmas to you

SIRIUS:
(spoken) Not just a happy one!
(sings) Sirius Christmas
Don't want to miss this
We can talk together forever and ever
No time to be tragic, everything's magic
Sirius Christmas
There's not one like this
Oh!...

The music break comes on, and the following dialogue goes on over it

REMUS: (spoken)
Are you saying there's never been a Christmas where you use the name pun? Because that would be a lie. You've used it before during Christmas, and you've used it other times more often than necessary.

SIRIUS: (spoken)
No, I mean a Christmas like this! With Harry, Ron, Hermione, you, me, and everyone! But yeah...the name pun's good as well.

REMUS: (spoken)
Heh, I see what you mean. But no, the name pun's not funny and it never will be. If you keep using it, then I won't sing later.

SIRIUS: (spoken)
Oh, you know you'll sing anyway. Especially if you get drunk.

REMUS: (spoken)
What?!

SIRIUS: (spoken)
Uh...never mind.

HERMIONE: (spoken)
Hey Sirius, where's Kreacher?

SIRIUS: (spoken)
Dunno...haven't seen him since I told him to get out...

HARRY: (spoken)
You don't think he's left the house, do you?

SIRIUS: (spoken)
Nah, he's not allowed...maybe he went and broke his leg in the attic. Hah! Then it'd be a real 'Sirius' Christmas for him. Get it?

REMUS: (spoken after he sighs and shakes his head)
Oh God...

SIRIUS
See how nice the house looks now
It's really hard to recognize
'Cause I a'cleaned and now the house just gleams
Now it's no place that I despise

This is done for you by yours truly
You all mean loads to me
That elf didn't help, eh, oh well
Oh!... We'll have such fun I can tell

SIRIUS, REMUS, HARRY, RON and HERMIONE:
Sirius Christmas
Don't want to miss this
We can sing together forever and ever
No time to be tragic, everything's magic
Sirius Christmas
There's not one like this

SIRIUS:
Sirius Christmas
Rest ye Hippogriffs
Hogwarts Wonderland, Silver Moons, and Mischief Night
Carol of the Spells, Broom Ride, Joy to Owls
And don't you forget
Snape the Big Nosed Git

SIRIUS, REMUS, HARRY, RON, HERMIONE, GINNY, FRED, GEORGE, TONKS and MOODY
Sirius Christmas
Don't want to miss this
We can sing together forever and ever
No time to be tragic, everything's magic
Sirius Christmas
There's not one like this
SIRIUS:
Oh!...

SIRIUS, REMUS, HARRY, RON, HERMIONE, GINNY, FRED, GEORGE, TONKS and MOODY:
A...Sirius Christmas
You...don't want to miss this
A...Sirius Christmas
Ah...
SIRIUS:
Oh!...

repeat last stanza to fade

To the tune of the MLF Lullaby by Tom Lehrer

THE SCENE: 12 Grimmald Place. KREACHER sings a lullaby to the portrait of his beloved Mistress.

KREACHER
Sleep Mistress sleep, secure on your canvas
Though danger lurks, your house-elf, he can cuss
Your son's returned here, he's now determined
To fill our whole mansion with disgusting Mudblood vermin

While they all scheme their New Phoenix Order
Kreacher's a plan to bring the Dark Lord here
And though your poor elf does not have clothing
Your son inspires me to act from hatred and from loathing

Once the Black family with Purebloods stood by
With Slytherin they went the whole hog
But then Sirius turned an Amimagi
And since then we've all gone to the dogs!

So sleep well my Mistress, I'll save all your pictures
Much as I can, I'll ignore your son's strictures
All hail the Dark Lord! - the one who can't be named
Death to the Animagi!
Mental elf
Now sends himself
To one who hates Black as much as I!

Kreacher Apparates to the Malfoy Estate

To the tune of Peter Allen's The Best That You Can Do (aka the Theme from Arthur)

'But that fellow over there,' [Arthur] said, dropping his voice and nodding towards the bed opposite in which a man lay looking green and sickly and staring at the ceiling. 'Bitten by a werewolf, poor chap. No cure at all.'

'A werewolf?' whispered Mrs. Weasley, looking alarmed. 'Is he safe in a public ward? Shouldn't he be in a private room?'

'It's two weeks till full moon,' Mr Weasley reminded her quietly. 'They've been talking to him this morning, the Healers, you know, trying to persuade him he'll be able to lead an almost normal life. I said to him - didn't mention names, of course - but I said I knew a werewolf personally, very nice man, who finds the condition quite easy to manage.'

'What did he say?' asked George.

'Said he'd give me another bite if I didn't shut up,' said Mr Weasley sadly.

WEREWOLF (looking wistfully at the Weasleys)
Sadly that wolf it found me
And so I wear St. Mungo's gowns
Next thing you know, I'm headed for the Pound
Wake up with lycanthropy
Though the Healers say it's safe & sound
When rendering up a shelf of Snape's compound

When you get caught beneath a moon that has no pity
You grow more fuzzy, howling, too
When you get caught beneath a moon that has no pity
The beast inside of you......
The beast inside of you becomes a wolf

Arthur, he's one of the Weasleys
In for snakebite, he's with his spouse
Once he is cured, it's back, back to his house
He's knowing a wolf who's just doing fine
I'm thinking to myself it's only moonshine
Growling at him to hush or I'll bite him fiercely

When you get caught beneath a moon that has no pity
You grow more fuzzy, howling, too
When you get caught beneath a moon that has no pity
The beast inside of you......
The beast inside of you......
The beast inside of you becomes a wolf....

To the tune of Ruby, Don't Take Your Love to Town by Kenny Rogers

THE SCENE: St. Mungo's, First Floor, Dai Llewellyn Ward. ARTHUR WEASLEY is in major trouble with his better half when she learns that he has been fooling around "snake-oil" medical treatments

ARTHUR:
You're pursing up your lips to yell, and actin' like you was ticked
Molly, are you contemplating going ballistic?
The stitches on my wound, I see, are causing you to frown
Oh Molly, don't put my Healer down.

It wasn't me that asked that snake to crawl across the floor
When I stood as secret guard for Albus Dumbledore.
And yes, you know how I'm game for Muggle remedies
Oh, Molly, it's complementary…

The Trainee Healer, 'Gustus Pye, is quite a lovely chap
And he wants to see if a method like this will the snake venom zap
And it may not work, it seems as though I'm gainin' no rebound
Oh Molly, ask Smethwyck to come down…

They're leaving now, as I observe my sons sneak out the door
They want to run before their Mum proclaims her famous roar
And if I could move, I'd flee her wrath at twice the speed of sound
Oh Molly, don't put your husband down.

Oh Molly, for gosh sakes, put that down……

A filk by Ginger to the tune of Superstition by Stevie Wonder

Arthur explains to Molly why his dressing was changed a day early.

ARTHUR:
They are super stitches. That's how Muggles heal.
They are super stitches. Now, dear, please don't squeal.
Healer Pye, the trainee, took a Muggle class.
Now he's got me stitched up, ribs right down to aaaaaa

Aaaaas you can see, these things, which you don't understand,
Help the healer.
Super stitches are the way.

They are super stitches. Sewn up nice and tight.
They are super stitches. Healer got them right.
Trussed up like a turkey, stuffing kept inside.
Helps to stop the bleeding, elsewise I'd have died.

As you can see, these things, which you don't understand,
Help the healer.
Super stitches are the way.

They are super stitches. Please don't yell at me.
They are super stitches. (looks around) Why'd they run for tea?
Taking all my potions, getting my bedrest.
Since I love things Muggle, put them to the test.

As you can see, these things, which you don't understand,
Help the healer.
Super stitches are the way.

A filk by Ginger to the tune of Feelings, words and music by Morris Albert. Darned if I can remember who sang it.

AUGUSTUS PYE:
Healings, trying Muggle healings,
Trying to connect these healings of old.

Stitches, binding up incisions,
Trying to connect both sides of the wound.

Healings, my call in life's to heal things.
Tradition's never stopped me, though,
I'll try and try again.

Healings, wo, wo, wo,
Healings, wo, wo, wo,
Heal you, with stitches or charms.

Healings, Muggle remedies are frowned on,
But Muggle remedies are sound un-
Til magic's involved.

Healings, my call in life's to heal things.
Tradition's never stopped me, though,
I'll try and try again.

Healings, wo, wo, wo,
Healings, wo, wo, wo
Healings......

repeat and fade

To the tune of Joshua Fought the Battle of Jericho

THE SCENE: St. Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies & Injuries. The TRIO run into a Second-Year refugee .

HARRY:
You talk about your men of Slytherin
You may talk about your Ravenclaws
There's none better-dressed than Gilderoy
In his placement at St. Mungo's

TRIO:
Gilderoy's in placement at St. Mungo's, St. Mungo's, St. Mungo's
Gilderoy's in placement at St. Mungo's and he wears a lavender gown

LOCKHART:
On the closed wards of St. Mungo's
I'm everyone's main man
I practice joined-up writing
For that Gladys who's my biggest fan

TRIO & CHORUS OF MUNGO'S RESIDENTS:
Gilderoy's in placement at St. Mungo's, St. Mungo's, St. Mungo's
Gilderoy's in placement at St. Mungo's and he wears a lavender gown

LOCKHART:
And if I get my memory back
I'll amaze all of the staff
You'll see my award-winning smile again
As you're pleadin' for my autograph

TRIO & CHORUS OF MUNGO'S RESIDENTS & STAFF:
St. Mungo's is now the home of Gilderoy, Gilderoy, Gilderoy,
St. Mungo's is now the home of Gilderoy and he wears a lavender gown

LOCKHART, TRIO & CHORUS OF MUNGO'S RESIDENTS & STAFF:
And
I/He
Wear(s)
A
Lavender
Gown!

To the tune of Frankie & Johnny (traditional folk song with multiple variants)

THE SCENE: St. Mungo's. GRANDMOTHER LONGBOTTOM explains to the TRIO how NEVILLE'S parents became permanent residents of the closed ward

RON (amazed): Is that your dad down the end, Neville?

GRANDMOTHER LONGBOTTOM: (sharply): What's this? Haven't you told your friends about your parents, Neville?

(music) Frankie and Alice were Aurors
The Dark Lord, he wanted their life
Three times they fought him and they walked away
Was there ever such a man and wife?
They shared a love that was so brave and strong.

Well, Alice that night celebrated
That night the Dark Lord disappeared
"Oh, Frankie," she said, "the DEs will surrender,
Our son can live his life without fear!"
That was their dream, but, oh, it went so wrong!

The Death Eaters did not surrender
They thought they could bring their Lord back
"The Longbottoms know his whereabouts,
Frank and Alice we'll attack!
Sounds like a plan - it just cannot go wrong."

Well, Frankie was captured by Barty
Alice was taken by Bell
"We know you know where You-Know-Who is hid,
You'll regret it if you don't tell!
If you resist - it will be your swan song"

Well, Frankie they tortured for hours
Alice they treated the same
Oh, how they laughed in this evil service
Of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named
They were driven mad, the pain was far too strong.

Well, Barty, was taken to trial
Bell & Rodolphus were too
And a Fourth Man was also indicted
Too bad no one can remember who
They were locked up for a sentence long

Well, my story has spawned theories
Theories of SILK GOWNS
And Neville's glum
When Mum give Gum
While she is lookin' really run-down
Wrapper in hand, that wraps up my song…..

A filk by Anton to the tune of Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm by the Crash Test Dummies

CHO CHANG (Making an introduction): And now to liven up any DA meeting, here are...the O W L Test Dummies!

Turn to soundstage where the group performs, Harry on lead vocals and guitar, Ginny on lead guitar, Hermione and Luna on Keyboards, Neville on drums, and Ron on bass

HARRY:
Once,
There was this kid who
Made a patronus
And nearly got expelled from school
But when
He finally went back
He got
Cut marks from having to write lines

He said that it was from
When his teacher punished him hard

ALL:
O..O..T..P..
O..O..T..P..

HARRY:
Once
There was this girl who
Came across as strange
To her friends in the train room
And when
They finally met her
They saw
That she she was reading some tabloid

She quietly explained
That the editor's her father

ALL:
O..O..T..P..
O..O..T..P..

O..O..T..P..
O..O..T..P..

HARRY & LUNA:
But both girl and boy are glad
They know both had things just as bad

HARRY:
But then
There was this boy whose
Parents had been tortured
So they couldn't recognize him
And when
He got to visit them
Mom stood
And handed him a gum wrapper

He couldn't yet discard it
She had always given him one

ALL:
O..O..T..P..
O..O..T..P..

O..O..T..P..
O..O..T..P..

Aaaah-aah-aaah-ah-ahhh
Aaaah-aah-aaah-ah-ahhh

A filk by Gail to the tune of No Sugar Tonight and by CMC to the tune of New Mother Nature by Guess Who

NOTE: "It was decided that Randy Bachman and Burton Cummings [both members of Guess Who] would take the same chord progression and individually write a melody and lyric. From this exercise came two songs: "No Sugar Tonight" by Randy and "New Mother Nature" by Burton . The original idea was that they would be two separate tracks in rehearsing them, the band found that one complemented the other and acted as a counterpoint melody." - from the liner notes to Guess Who's American Woman CD.

Gail had the idea of each of us filking one of the Guess Who "twin" songs No Sugar Tonight and New Mother Nature. I selected New Mother Nature, and Gail took No Sugar Tonight. We wrote these independently one of one another, but one of us - probably Gail ;) - must have a some skill in Legilimency, given how closely the two songs connected thematically.

SNAPE:
Obscure magic of defense
'Gainst intrusion and influence
Now the Dark Lord is aware
Thoughts and feelings you both share

I'll teach you because it's my duty
I'll teach you 'cause D'dore asked me
I'll teach you though I think you're lazy
I'll teach you Occulmency

Da-un-do-dow dow da-un-do-dow
Da-un-do-dow dow no no
Da-un-do-dow dow da-un-do-dow
Da-un-do-dow dow
Da-un-do-dow dow da-un-do-dow
Da-un-do-dow dow no no
Da-un-do-dow dow da-un-do-dow
Da-un-do-dow dow etc....

Control feelings, clear your mind
Calm emotions and you will find
You'll repel me, let's begin
Brace yourself now, Legilimen!

I'll teach you because it's my duty
I'll teach you 'cause D'dore asked me
I'll teach you though I think you're lazy
I'll teach you Occulmency

HARRY
Dumble says yes and I believe him
When he talks about how I'm possessed
I haven't got my legs, on the floor I'm weavin'
As a serpent if you haven't guessed
I slither along in this place I have come to
I see a man I truly like
He's the father of Ron, but full of venom,
I rear my head back and then I strike

'Cause it's my new Evil Nature takin' over
It's the new Dark Lord Harry come to call
It's my new Evil Nature takin' over
I'm bitin ' you all
I'm hatin' you all

Candles ablaze and my hands like spiders
I'm lording over the DEs
It don't look good for our pal Rookwood
'Cause that wimp is beggin' on his knees
My curtained room with an ancient mirror,
Augustus, you are off the hook
But for Avery now it does not Bode well
Bad advice is one thing I'll not brook

Cause it's my new Evil Nature takin' over
It's the Lord Harry, heir of Slytherin
It's my new Evil Nature takin' over
Please don't let me win
Please don't let me win

SNAPE & HARRY sing both verses sung simultaneously

SNAPE: After two months
HARRY: Dumble says yes and I believe him
SNAPE: No progress
HARRY: When he talks about how I'm possessed
SNAPE: Does he enjoy….
HARRY: Ron hears me thrash and scream in my bedclothes
SNAPE: …..Being possessed?
HARRY: He sees that I'm a tad distressed
SNAPE: It's becoming….
HARRY: I'm driven back now to one conclusion
SNAPE: ….Tedious
HARRY: Need to learn this Occlumency
SNAPE: Harry has to…..
HARRY: But Snape is all wrong and I end my song
SNAPE: ….Stay focused
HARRY: Pleadin' hard to win some clemency

BOTH: Before my/his new evil nature takes me/him over
'Before Death Eater Harry come to call
Before my/his new evil nature takes me/him over
I'm/He's beggin'/losin' you/it all
I'm/He's beggin'/losin' you/it all

Da-un-do-dow dow da-un-do-dow
Da-un-do-dow dow no no, etc

A filk by Pixieberry to the tune of Pink Floyd's The Wall Part II

In the kitchen of 12 Grimmauld Place, Sirius and Snape confront each other while Harry looks on:

SIRIUS:
He don't need intimidation.
Your job's to teach him mind control.
This is my kitchen, not your classroom.
Sniv'llus leave my boy alone!

SNAPE:
Hey, Sirius! Get down off your throne!

SIRIUS:
All in all, you're just a hook nosed, slimy greaseball!

HARRY (muttering):
I don't like this situation.
Because of dreams I'm on parole?
Snape's horrid teaching in the classroom.
Why can't he just leave me alone?

SNAPE:
Hey, Sirius! Get down off your throne!

SIRIUS:
All in all you're just a hook nosed, slimy greaseball!

To the tune of Tom Lehrer's Pollution

SNAPE:
I am told by Hogwarts head man, see,
I must teach you Occlumency
There's one thing that you must not discuss:
Don't dare to utter of our syllabus

In Potions, in Potions,
You must say, "Remedial Class"
Then shut your trap
Lest Dolores nail our ass!

HARRY
See the scuttlebutt spread by Corner
How my potions are sub-normaler
This helps display how rumors get spread
They say I'm in Snape's Special Ed

CORNER & SMITH
In Potions, in Potions,
Though he teaches Dark Arts Defense
When boiling his brews
He is sing'larly dense

SNAPE:
Every Monday at 6 p.m.
Another evening of tedium
Each lesson turns out the same old grind -
The tip of my wand hits the back of his mind

Emotion, emotion.
Wear your heart proud on your sleeve
Voldy prevails
'Gainst the weak and naïve

Lots of junk there inside your brain
But there's one thing you had best explain
Augustus Rookwood, who is down upon his knees,
Proves you've had dreams about DEs!

So vow off those visions
Leave the Death Eaters to me
Hear this, Harry Potter -
I just told ya not ta
Dream of Mys- (Legilimens!) -Teries!

A filk by Gail to the tune of I Want To Tell You by the Beatles

HARRY:
He says he's teaching
My mind's flooded with past visions
It is he
Who's the cause of all these obtrusions

And when he's speaking
The words he says that put me down
Anger me
As I pick myself up off the ground

To these classes I am confined
So Voldemort won't read my mind
But they're not helping me

He keeps persisting
That I should do what he assigns
I feel weak
Could he be trying to undermine?

Although we're practicing this spell
My friend, Ron, continues to tell me
That Snape's a Death Eater

He keeps insisting
That I clear my mind of thoughts each night
But when we meet
He attacks verbally out of spite
And indicts
Then we fight

To the tune of Winter Wonderland

THE SCENE: Undisclosed. With delirious joy, VOLDEMORT greets the release of ten notorious Death Eaters from Azkaban.

VOLDEMORT:
Slayers freed from their jailers
Homeland secur'ty failures
Convicted ex-cons
Just won back their wands
Waltzing their way out of Azkaban.

THE AZKABAN 10:
Cry, "Hooray!" for the Dark Lord,
Who serves as our parole board
Dementors fake out
So we can break out
Waltzing our way out of Azkaban.

VOLDEMORT
In the meantime, I have my supporters
All of whom will serve me eagerly
With a little spying
And some torture
I'll finally procure
The prophecy

VOLDEMORT & THE AZKABAN 10:
And of course we'll conspire
Cause we're such fiendish liars
To Potter lay low
And crush his halo
Waltzing our way out of Azkaban.

FUDGE
Voldy and his ilk, they ev'ry law shun
Death Eaters are rallying to Black
In my statement I am urging caution
Do not have a cow or a heart attack

HARRY & HERMIONE
So we learn from the papers
Of the DE escapers
Oh how Voldy laughed to see all his staff
Waltzing their way out of Azkaban.

ALL
Waltzing their/our way out of Azkaban.
Waltzing their/our way out of Azkaban.

A filk by Murasaki to the tune of Fast Car by Tracy Chapman

Cho reflects on her relationship with Harry while sitting across from him at the cafe on Valentine's Day.

CHO CHANG:
You got a fast broom.
Your Firebolt makes you a Quidditch star;
And I think you're pretty cool.
The first day of school I looked for you,
You were covered in Stinksap.
I'd like to try to start something with you,
Maybe we'll spark something.
Though I still have a lot to work through.

You got a fast broom.
I had a plan to get us together;
I waited for you after the meeting.
Tried so hard to hide my tears from you,
But you make my emotions crazy.

She begins to get a little teary.

You see my old boyfriend's long gone.
Killed by the Dark Lord; that's the way it is.
Yet I'm not quite sure that I loved him.
I had a thing for you when he was killed,
But he loved me when he left me.
So I feel I've got to still mourn for him.
So when I break down that's what I'm doing.

You got a fast broom.
Is it fast enough that you can fly from me?
You got to make your decision:
Choose Hermione or forever me.

I remember when we were flying, flying the pitch,
Speeding so fast right after the Snitch.
You were too kind to knock me off my broom,
And then we kissed in the DA room,
And I had a feeling we were in love,
And I had a feeling that I could be the one, be the one, be the one.

You got a fast broom,
But Umbridge went and banned you from it.
Now we don't have common ground.
Though I fly as Seeker for Ravenclaw;
They tell me I'm losing my touch.
I'll get kicked, and you're banned forever,
We can be dropouts together.
Watch Quidditch from the stands and talk about the best plays.

I remember when we were flying, flying the pitch,
Speeding so fast right after the Snitch.
You were too kind to knock me off my broom,
And then we kissed in the DA room,
And I had a feeling we were in love,
And I had a feeling that I could be the one, be the one, be the one.

She looks over at Roger Davies and his girlfriend, explaining to Harry how he asked her.

You got a fast broom.
We went out on Valentine's Day:
I took you out for a drink at the shop.
Told you Davies asked me before you did;
I wanted to make you jealous.

Harry makes the mistake of telling her he's going to meet Hermione.

Thought maybe you'd spend the afternoon with me,
But you had plans; you had to go somewhere.
So take your fast broom and keep on flying!

She leaps up with a start from the table.

I remember when we were flying, flying the pitch,
Speeding so fast right after the Snitch.
You were too kind to knock me off my broom,
And then we kissed in the DA room,
And I had a feeling we were in love,
And I had a feeling that I could be the one, be the one, be the one.

For a moment she watches Harry through the window, regretfully.

You got a fast broom.
Is is fast enough that you can fly from me?
You got to make your decision:
Choose Hermione or forever me.

A filk by Gail to the tune of The Dangling Conversation (from the album Parsley Sage Rosemary and Thyme by Simon and Garfunkel

HARRY (borrowing Sirius' acoustic guitar):
Was a soggy Hogsmeade visit
In a tea house down the lane
Decorated for Valentine's Day
Where raindrops washed the pane
And the cold dregs of my coffee
Matched my feelings perfectly
I felt so out of place
As the tears streaked down your face
Was an awkward situation
Everything had gone awry
As I watched you as you cried

We chatted about Quidditch games
As to Hogsmeade we strolled when
The remarks of Parkinson checked us
Our moment was stolen
There were golden cherubs hov'ring
O'er couples that were kissing
Were setting a standard
That I found so very hard
It was an awkward situation
And the both of us could tell
As between us silence fell

Hermione I mentioned
Asked if you wanted to come
There's confetti in my coffee cup
Was feeling rather numb
You spoke of the death of Cedric
Then you became so frantic
I do not understand
It's an enigma unto me
A more awkward situation
I don't think I'll ever find
I could not read the signs

A filk by Constance Vigilance to the tune of Miss Baltimore Crabs from the musical Hairspray

THE SCENE: RITA, HERMIONE and LUNA are sitting at a table in the Three Broomsticks. HARRY joins them. RITA is looking particularly bedraggled. LUNA is looking spacey. HERMIONE is looking somewhat smug.

HERMIONE (spoken)
Well, I brought Harry so if you want to work again, you can interview him now.

RITA (spoken)
Haven't you already done enough?

(singing)
Oh my god
How far I fell
She was only fourteen
But she put me through Hell.
Ah, but it was me who was mean
When I was "The Queen of the Quill".

I spied on your secrets
Through faceted eyes
Till that damn Shirley Temple
Saw through my disguise.
Always first on the scene
Was I, as "The Queen of the Quill".

That sorry half-giant
Might still have the vapors
But the public's my client
And that's what sold papers!
Your secret was mine
The Skeeter byline was to snoop.
Get the scoop!

Hot on the trail
When I had the buzz
If you won't tell the tale
I'd find out who does!
My antennae were keen
When I was "The Queen of the Quill".

HERMIONE
Proceed...

HARRY
Get started, you hack.

RITA
The front page has a place?

LUNA
Well, the Crumpled Snorkack ..

RITA
... I can't stand the disgrace!
It's simply obscene
To forget I'm "The Queen of the Quill".

HARRY
I'm ready to name names ...

RITA
..."Death Eaters Among Us"
A headline with promise!
A scandal! A fungus! I'd holler "Keen!"
If I weren't "The Queen of the Quill"!

Although I've got wings
I'm not angel or cherub
But everyone sings
To this muckraking scarab
Your guts you must spill
To the Quick Quoting Quill
Don't you see?

HERMIONE
It's fine with me!

HARRY
Can we get started?...

RITA
... To get your story told,
I'd better be paid bags and bushels of gold!

All look at LUNA

LUNA (spoken)
Oh, Daddy never pays for articles. It's more of an honor just to be published.

RITA (spoken)
Not in The Quibbler it isn't! And may I be frank?

(Singing)
First impressions are tough
When I saw you, I knew it
If your looks weren't enough
Your last answer just blew it!

You must meet my price, it's
Acknowledgement of ..

HERMIONE
... You're a bug without license?

RITA (resolutely)
You got me there, kid.
And the times, they are lean.

ALL
We've/They've just underbid "The Queen of the ... "

RITA
...Quill!"

LUNA (spoken)
Daddy will be pleased.

RITA (spoken)
Um... I need a drink.

HERMIONE (spoken)
Gee, Harry, that went well.

Madam Rosmerta comes to the table.

MADAM ROSMERTA
Hello Ma'am, may I freshen your drink?

RITA
You better come clean
When serving "The Queen of the " ...

HERMIONE, LUNA and HARRY
...Quill"!
Quill, Quill!!!

Fade out as RITA and HARRY begin their interview.

To the tune of See You Later Alligator by Bill Haley & The Comets

THE SCENE: The Three Broomsticks. HERMIONE, proving that she is as adept a conspirator as the most accomplished Slytherin alumni, launches a plot to get HARRY's story before the wizarding public.

HARRY:
Well, I came to see ol' Hermy in the Three Broomsticks today
Well, I saw she was with Luna, and the Beetle who's at bay
"What's all this?," I had to wonder.
This is what I heard her say:

HERMIONE:
Write of Eaters, Rita Skeeter, help us foil Crabbe & Goyle
Write of Eaters, Rita Skeeter, help us foil Crabbe & Goyle
Do not spill your Margarita,
Set the Malfoy blood to boil

SKEETER
When I think of what I could say, makes me wanna grab my quill
You won't like the things I would say, you want DE beans to spill
But The Prophet will not print it.
A pro-Potter piece they'll kill

HERMIONE & LUNA
Write of Eaters, Rita Skeeter, do a scribbler for The Quibbler
Write of Eaters, Rita Skeeter, do a scribbler for The Quibbler
Though it is a bit offbeat-ah,
And your fee won't be too liberal….

LUNA
Herm said, I'm sorry little Rita, but you can only write the truth
Herm said, I'm sorry little Rita, but you have gotta write the truth
All your slanders, you'll delete 'em
And add nothing that is uncouth

HERMIONE & LUNA
Write of Eaters, Rita Skeeter, or it's jail without fail
Write of Eaters, Rita Skeeter, or it's jail without fail
As an Azkaban insider
They'll pay big bucks to hear your tale….

HERMIONE:
I said take the minutes, Skeeter, you know you haven't any choice
I said take our minutes, Rita, you know you haven't any choice
You'll win Hogwarts as your readers
When you help Harry gain his voice

HERMIONE, LUNA & HARRY
Write of Eaters, Rita Skeeter, the Dark Lord can't be ignored
Write of Eaters, Rita Skeeter, the Dark Lord can't be ignored
Be once more the top Fleet Street-er
With quill as mighty as the sword!

HERMIONE (spoken): OK, Harry? Ready to tell the public the truth? Fire away, then, Rita…….

A filk by Josh Riddle to the tune of Wham's Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go

THE SCENE: HARRY and Cho are on a date in Hogsmeade. Cho is upset with Harry and runs off.

HARRY:
Cho Chang [4X]

You see the doom-gloom inside my heart
You send my wand sky high when the kissin' starts
Cho Chang is all in my brain
Goes a bang-bang-bang till my scar hurts the same
Is someone bugging you
Something ain't right
Did my friend tell you what I dreamt last night?
Lay there sleepin' in my bed
I was dreaming, but I wish I flew with you instead

Wake me up before you go, Cho Don't leave me hanging on like a bozo
Wake me up before you go, Cho
I don't want to miss it when you're flying high
Wake me up before you go, Cho
`Cause I'm not plannin' on playing solo
Wake me up before you go, Cho
Take me flying tonight
I wanna fly so high (yeah, yeah)

You clear the clouds right out of my way
You make the pitch shine brighter than a Summer Day
Turned a small snitch into a flame
My Qudditch games have never been the same

`Cause you're a girl that makes me drool
When you're around I act like such a fool
Come on, baby, let's not fight
We'll play Quidditch, everything will be all right

Wake me up before you go, Cho
Don't leave me hanging on like a bozo
Wake me up before you go, Cho
I don't want to miss it when you're flying high
Wake me up before you go, Cho
`Cause I'm not plannin' on playing solo
Wake me up before you go, Cho
Take me flying tonight
I wanna fly so high (yeah, yeah)

Cho Chang
Cho Chang

Snuggle up, baby, move in tight
We'll go flying tomorrow night
It's cold out there, but it's warm in bed
Don't you cry- let's not talk of Ced

Cho Chang

Wake me up before you go, Cho
Don't leave me hanging on like a bozo
Wake me up before you go, Cho
I don't want to miss it when you're flying high
Wake me up before you go, Cho
`Cause I'm not plannin' on playing solo
Wake me up before you go, Cho
Take me flying tonight
Wake me up before you go, Cho
Don't you dare to leave me hanging on like a bozo
Take me flying!

Boom-boom-boom

A filk by Lilac to the tune I Could Write A Book originally sung by Frank Sinatra in Pal Joey

The Scene: The Great Hall during mealtime. RON comments after hearing Hermione's attempt to help Harry understand Cho's actions on Valentine's Day.

RON:
Hey, Hermione, you should write a book
And translate all that girly Gobblydegook!
Why do girls write letters to foreign jocks,
Then get mad when their best friend squawks?

How d'they make boys want to buy perfume,
Then say our feelings would fill up one teaspoon?
How to let them know so you won't offend
When you say you like your best friend?

Instrumental -- RON is eating during this part, I imagine. Thankfully, he swallows completely before he starts singing again..

And what means those looks she gives you odd,
Or when your failings melts her icy facade?
How to let her know so you won't offend
When you say you like your...
(Should I say I like my...?)
When I say I like my best friend?

Ron's ears turn bright red; he determinedly avoids Hermione's shocked expression and quickly resumes eating.

NOTE: No, Ron's not to this point of realization yet in canon. Sigh! Typical boy. And yes...that was a semi-colon. Tee hee....

To the tune of Hooray for Hapgood & There's a Parade in Town from Sondheim's Anyone Can Whistle

THE SCENE: The Great Hall. THE TRIO et al. sing the praises of Luna's father after HARRY's interview appears on The Quibbler's March 1996 cover.

THE TRIO, LUNA, FRED & GEORGE (joined by an ever-growing chorus of Gryffindor, Ravenclaw & Hufflepuff students)
Hooray for Lovegood!
Just as Luna/I had hinted
Quibbler newly printed's
Out today!...

Hooray for Lovegood!
Learn the facts from Lovegood,
Dark Lord is back says Lovegood,
So are Snorkacks says Lovegood

You won't be unswayed by Lovegood!
The truth is conveyed by Lovegood!
The Quibbler wins fame for Lovegood!
Harry gives names to Lovegood!
Find all the keys in Lovegood!
Learn of DEs from Lovegood!

All of this hubbub alerts PROF. UMBRIDGE, who loses little time in determining that HARRY is the source of this disturbance

UMBRIDGE:
Huh?... Hey!... What!...Students!...
I see crowds, I hear cries
In a cascade of sound!
I see owls, I hear lies
There's a charade around.
You spoke fibs to mislead,
No more trips to Hogsmeade!
I'll make Harry Potter
Use my quill to write lines
Did you dare? Make no plea!
Oh, how dismayed my frown!
Nose you thumb right at me
But I shall not calm down!
Well, you're out of line, you think you're sneaky,
Our school is betrayed.
You can't evade or go around me
For I will not be disobeyed!
So!... Ha!...

Exit UMBRIDGE. All Students take out their copies of The Quibbler, and begin reading aloud to one another.

CHORUS OF GRYFFINDORS
Lovegood has an interview by Skeeter

CHORUS OF RAVENCLAWS
Harry met the Death Eaters,
He tells Rita!

CHORUS OF HUFFLEPUFFS
This lays all the facts out for the reader.

Re-Enter UMBRIDGE, who puts Educational Decree #27 on very public display. Students immediately make their Quibblers vanish

CHORUS OF SLYTHERINS
Though what Potter says makes us enraged
We now can't admit we've read a page

UMBRIDGE:
I see red, now hear this
There's a blockade set down.
I tell you, sir and miss
Let no Quibbler be found!
My decree's on the wall,
Any quibbling at all
I will send you packing,
Toss your butt out the door.
Do not read! Do not keep!
I'll send my brigade around
Do not dare to flout me!
Or my blockade slink `round
'Cause I'm so obsessed
I protest that each Quibbler I'll fry.
Now that I have posted these decrees
You will not dare defy!

Exit UMBRIDGE. As soon as the students are certain that she has actually left, everyone - even the Slyths - un-vanishes their Quibbler and resumes avid reading. Iris out on HERMIONE, giving the thumbs-up sign.

To the tune of Suddenly, Seymour from The Little Shop of Horrors

THE SCENE: Hogwarts' courtyard. THE TRIO confer concerning the implications of HARRY'S latest Dark Lord dream, and arrive at several important conclusions, one of which is that they shouldn't be discussing this stuff in the first place

HERMIONE
When we saw Bode
Recover at Mungo's
He was still flummoxed
With his voice took away
But then a plant
Struck without warning
And now Bode is dead
Through floral foul play

Possibly Podmore
Has been made the fall-guy
I think Lucius snuck up
When Sturgis stood guard
Possibly Podmore
He didn't at all spy
Curse unforgiven
Podmore fell hard.

HARRY
Somebody evil
Stood out quite plainly
One Lucius Malfoy
Fudge at his side
He cast a spell that made
Bode act ungainly
To stop his talking, they
Made sure he died.

Probably Podmore
Was Malfoy's next target
For trespass arrested
When weapon he sought
Probably Podmore
He couldn't too far get
Curse unforgiven
Sturgis got caught.

HERMIONE
We know that Voldy
So wants the weapon
He'll stop at nothing
His aims to achieve
Now it seems Rookwood
The Dark Lord's enlightening -
Still, this scenario
You should not retrieve

HERMIONE & RON
Harry, don't see more!
Let your mind closed be
Harry, don't see more!
Make Snape your guide
Your dreams of the door
Are Voldy-imposed, see?
Let Snape's Occlumency
Let Snape's Occlumency
Let Snape's Occlumency
Keep him outside!

A filk by Murasaki to the tune of The Sound of Silence by Simon and Garfunkel

HARRY:
Hello, Snape, my enemy,
I've come to learn Occlumency.
Because a vision softly creeping
Left its seeds while I was sleeping
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Just beyond the door.

In restless dreams I walk alone
Narrow corridors of stone
Within the Department of Mysteries;
Memories not from my own histories
Cause me to enter the Dark Lord's mind
Until I find
What's just beyond the door.

And in these memories I see
What often ends up reality.
I was the snake that bit Mr. Weasley.
I was the man who tortured Avery.
And no one even bothers to believe
That what I see
Is just beyond the door.

"Fools," say I, "I saw him rise.
His return cannot be denied.
Hear the names of those who follow him!
Take them away so he may not rule again!"
But my warnings have completely been in vain;
I'm seen as insane,
For still I dream of the door.

Now the Death Eaters bow and kneel
To a Dark Lord who is quite real.
I have warned you in Luna's magazine
Yet still you claim what I say is obscene.
Sirius is in trouble; I must go alone to fight
For what is right
And seek what's beyond the door.

To the tune of The Happening by the Supremes

THE SCENE: Snape's dungeon. During an Occlumency lesson, all kinds of things start opening up: the DOM door, Snape's heavily-defended mind, and the post of Divination Professor among them

HARRY:
Hey Snape, I can see the Department of Mystery
'Cause when you smashed me, crashed me, raising your wand
I looked up, suddenly I just looked up, and it's opening

There's a door I could never go in before
But now I cross this barrier
Without a detour,
And I suddenly enter its opening

HARRY & (SNAPE)
I ran right in (You ran right in)
And I looked around (and you looked around)
I'm in a room (you're in a room)
Where these doors surround (where these doors surround)
It opened for me, an open sesame view

HARRY
I'm confined, in a bind
Till I read some of your mind, yeah!
Using only shielding charms, it opened
Suddenly your mind opened
I saw houseflies torn apart
Then a broomstick that wouldn't start
And when I saw your vicious dad shouting things kinda sour
Makin' your mom cower, it's opening

HARRY & (SNAPE)
Now I see him (Now he sees me)
Deep in his id (Deep in my id)
It seems he was (It seems I was)
A battered kid (A battered kid)

HARRY/SNAPE
It happened to me but first it/and later happened to him
Ooh, and then it opened
Ooh, and then it opened
Ooh, and then it opened

SNAPE
It's compound, it's complex, and it's live, not just Memorex
But if you're sloppy, he will then read your mind
Lord Voldy, he will make it unfold, he.

Your learning is too lax, when the Dark Lord makes his attacks
He'll dispatch you down to death and to doom
You'll break down, suddenly you will break down, it's open and shut

HARRY & SNAPE
A brawl in the hall, we hear Sybill starting to squall
Cause if you raise that Umbridge ire you may
Get fired, then we'll see it transpire: job openings!

To the tune of the Mister Ed theme (no disrespect to centaurs intended)

THE SCENE: DUMBLEDORE introduces the new Divination Professor, as Umbridge looks askance.

DUMBLEDORE
A horse is a horse, of course, of course,
And no one would hire a horse, of course
But him, of course, he ain't no horse, he's the famous Firenze.

Go ask him of stars or planet Mars
He'll give you the wisdom of the centaurs.
He oft conceited wizards jars.
Talk to Firenze!

He'll burn the sage and mallowsweet, observe by flame and fume
And though of course he may be wrong, the portents all indicate doom

He lived with his herd until the bird
They gave him, so he to our school transferred.
Dean has said things he'd better reword

Well, listen, Thomas!
FIRENZE
I have not been bred!

A filk by Motone to the song of the same name from Les Miserables

FIRENZE is teaching the Divination class. He dims the light and the students look up to behold the stars in an enchanted classroom.

FIRENZE
There, up in the darkness
A red star is shining
Warning of war
Warning of war
Mars is the witness
We shall have to fight
I can see this in space
I can see this is space.

Humans' ways are the dark
Mine is the way of the stars
And those who follow the path of the orbits
Of Venus and Mars
And if they fail
As Voldemort failed
It comes
To wars!

Stars
In their multitudes
Scarce to be counted
Filling the darkness
With knowledge and light
They hold the prophecies
Secret and safe
Centaurs watch in the night
Centaurs watch in the night.

They have their place in the sky.
They hold their course and their aim.
And each in their season

Return and return
And are never the same
And if you fail as Trelawney failed
Tis the human shame!

And so it will be and so it is written
In the pathways across the skies
That fortune may well be foretold
Through centaur's eyes!

Now, you may see it
And you may read it
Safe within walls
Stony castle walls.
It's war
This I read
This I read in the stars!

A filk by Haggridd of the song Born Under a Wanderin' Star from the Lerner & Loewe musical Paint Your Wagon.

SCENE: Firenze gives his qualifications to be the new Divination Professor.

FIRENZE:
I was born just to observe the stars.
I was born just to observe the stars.

Eyes are made for seein', telescopes to look.
I've never seen a constellation I can't read like a book.

I was born just to observe the stars.

Crystal Balls get cloudy and the teacups full of muck.
Palmistry's a crapshoot, any fortune's just dumb luck.
Anyone can prophesy from dreams of what they'll do,
Which, if I recall, have never come true.

I was born just to observe the stars.
I was born just to observe the stars.

Planets are for wanderin' out there in the night.
The heavens are the place to learn whether Mars is bright tonight.

I was born just to observe the stars,
Born to read the stars.

Crystal Balls get cloudy and the teacups full of muck.
Palmistry's a crapshoot, any fortune's just dumb luck.
Anyone can prophesy from dreams of what they'll do,
Which, if I recall, have never come true.

I was born just to observe the stars.
I was born just to observe the stars.

When I see the heavens my heart is filled with glee.
I think about the future and I make a prophecy.

I was born just to observe the stars.
Born to read the stars.

A filk by Tracy Hunt to the tune of The Way by Fastball

Bit of a cliffhanger - but you know how it ends, right?

They made up their minds
And they started planning
'To Hell' with what that teacher had to say!
Real life defenses are what they're lacking
But where were they going
Without any space for DA?

They put out the word
And got Dobby talking
They now had a great room in which to stay
And as the kids began they started liking
All of the teaching
By Harry, the head of DA!

Everyone could see
The spells that they work on
Are good as gold
When faced with trouble
they'll all stand bold
They'll never be victims

They'll never be sitting prey
You can see their spellwork's
Improving - showing flare
It'll take more than Umbridge
To give them a scare
They wanted the DA
They're happy there today, today

The meeting broke up
As Dobby, he rushed in
The word got out and Draco's on his way!
They all ran off
To leave it all behind 'em
But where were they going
With Umbridge's spies on the way?

Everyone could see
The spells that they work on
Are good as gold
When faced with trouble
they'll all stand bold
They'll never be victims
They'll never be sitting prey
You can see their spellwork's
Improving - showing flare
It'll take more than Umbridge
To give them a scare
They wanted the DA
They're happy there today, today...