Trial by Wizengamot
A filk-parody of Trial by Jury by Gilbert and Sullivan by Indigo Ziona, based on Chapter 8, The Hearing, from OOP
Umbridge and her back-up singers from Trial by Wizengamot
Image © 2004 Indigo Ziona
Umbridge and her back-up singers from Trial by Wizengamot
Image © 2004 Indigo Ziona
Copyright 2004 by Indigo Ziona
SONG - to Hark, the Hour of Ten is Sounding
Harry and Arthur race to the Ministry courtroom as the opening bars play, starting the opera rather frantically.
ARTHUR:
For today you have your hearing
Come, to Courtroom Ten we're bounded:
Come, to Courtroom Ten we're bounded:
Meanwhile, in the courtroom, Fudge is issuing advice
SONG - to Now, Jurymen, hear my advice
FUDGE:
WIZENGAMOT:
FUDGE:
WIZENGAMOT:
FUDGE:
WIZENGAMOT:
Enter Harry.
RECIT - to Is this the court of the Exchequer?
HARRY:
EVIL INTERROGATORS:
BONES:
EVIL INTERROGATORS:
SONG - to When first my old, old love I knew
BONES:
GOOD INTERROGATORS:
BONES:
GOOD INTERROGATORS:
BONES:
GOOD INTERROGATORS:
FUDGE:
EVIL INTERROGATORS:
FUDGE:
EVIL INTERROGATORS:
FUDGE:
EVIL INTERROGATORS:
Oh, I don't like the pride of this lad,
Enter Dumbledore. The Evil Interrogators look scared.
Who's that I saw,
FUDGE, HARRY, BONES, UMBRIDGE:
RECIT - to All Hail, Great Judge
DUMBLEDORE:
I come here, Fudge,
UMBRIDGE:
DUMBLEDORE:
HARRY:
RECIT - to For these kind words
UMBRIDGE:
EVIL INTERROGATORS:
SONG - to When I, good friends, was called to the bar
UMBRIDGE:
EVIL INTERROGATORS:
UMBRIDGE:
EVIL INTERROGATORS:
UMBRIDGE:
EVIL INTERROGATORS:
UMBRIDGE:
EVIL INTERROGATORS:
UMBRIDGE:
EVIL INTERROGATORS:
UMBRIDGE: For I'll never budge!
UMBRIDGE: I must always do my job.
RECIT. - to Swear thou the jury
FUDGE:
On August 2, at nine twenty-three,
HARRY:
The Wizengamot whisper among themselves. Fudge gives
them all a smug smile. Dumbledore raises his eyebrows.
RECIT. & CHORUS - to Where is the Plaintiff?/Comes the broken flower
DUMBLEDORE:
Enter Mrs. Figg.
DUMBLEDORE:
FUDGE:
WIZENGAMOT:
FIGG:
BONES:
to Oh, never, never, never…
FUDGE:
Monsters! Monsters! Went for Harry,
FUDGE:
RECIT & ARIA- to May it please you & With a sense of deep emotion
FUDGE:
With a statement so suspicious,
WIZENGAMOT:
DUMBLEDORE:
WIZENGAMOT:
UMBRIDGE:
WIZENGAMOT:
DUMBLEDORE:
WIZENGAMOT:
FUDGE:
WIZENGAMOT:
to That she is reeling is plain to see
FUDGE:
DUMBLEDORE:
WIZENGAMOT:
DUMBLEDORE:
FUDGE:
DUMBLEDORE:
WIZENGAMOT:
FUDGE, UMBRIDGE, EVIL INTERROGATORS:
SONG - to Oh, gentlemen, listen, I pray
FUDGE:
EVIL INTERROGATORS:
DUMBLEDORE:
GOOD INTERROGATORS:
RECIT - to That seems a reasonable proposition
BONES:
FUDGE:
Before that August the second,
WIZENGAMOT:
QUARTETTE - to A nice dilemma we have here
FUDGE:
DUMBLEDORE:
UMBRIDGE:
HARRY:
ALL: A nice dilemma we have here,
NB. This bit is exactly the same as the original. Repeat the above two lines in different tunes ad
nauseum, or to the end of the song, whichever comes first.
DUET - FUDGE & DUMBLEDORE to I love him, I love him
FUDGE:
DUMBLEDORE:
FUDGE:
WIZENGAMOT:
FUDGE:
RECIT - to The question, gentlemen - is one of liquor
BONES:
GOOD INTERROGATORS:
EVIL INTERROGATORS:
BONES:
GOOD/EVIL INTERROGATORS:
to All the legal furies seize you.
Fudge counts the hands. Then he explodes with fury.
FUDGE:
ALL: Ah!
FINALE - to Oh joy unbounded
DUMBLEDORE:
UMBRIDGE:
HARRY:
ARTHUR:
HARRY & ARTHUR:
It seems to me (lad)
They repeat these lines as they walk happily off into
the distance. Meanwhile, Fudge and Umbridge sit brewing over their failure.
UMBRIDGE: Oh, I'll never budge!
UMBRIDGE: Though Potter is a yob
This idea tickles their fancy, and they happily dance
around the empty courtroom celebrating their new devious plan.
Come, to Courtroom Ten we're bounded:
Time has changed, I'm so astounded,
Now the hour of eight has sounded,
Follow me down here!
For today you have your hearing
For your stag Patronus rearing
Just go on and look endearing
You'll get the all-clear
For your stag Patronus rearing
Just go on and look endearing
You'll get the all-clear
Just go on and look endearing
You'll get the all-clear
Time has changed, I'm so astounded,
Now the hour of eight has sounded,
Follow me down here!
For today you have your hearing
For your stag Patronus rearing
Just go on and look endearing
You'll get the all-clear
Time has changed, I'm so astounded,
Now the hour of eight has sounded,
Follow me… down… here!
Now, my good friends, remember this,
This boy invites our prejudice.
Do not arouse his pride,
Do not arouse his pride
With tales of his great bravery.
From every kind of bias free,
This trial must be tried.
From every kind of bias free,
This trial must be tried.
Oh, pay attention to the case:
See not the scar upon his face,
All his great deeds deride.
Remember just his felony:
From every kind of bias free,
This trial must be tried.
From every kind of bias free,
This trial must be tried.
And to excuse himself, he'll try,
Remember: fallen heroes lie,
So do not take his side.
Treat him strictly as can be.
From every kind of bias free,
This trial must be tried.
From every kind of bias free,
This trial must be tried.
Is this the dungeon from the Pensieve?
It is!
Death Eater trials extensive…
FUDGE:
You Potter are quite undecorous
You are late!
Sit now before us.
Potter, dread our punishment!
Don't try lying!
Or defying!
Listen to me if you please,
Your dislike may seem contagious.
A remark I may provide
That of all his acts courageous,
You have simply left aside.
(sarcastically) That's a point that hurts our pride
Saying all his acts courageous
We have simply left aside.
Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
When we were free from You-Know-Who,
Our people cried with joy.
And parties we so gaily threw
Were for this Potter boy.
And at Hogwarts his heroic ways
Came out, though he seems coy.
A troll, a basilisk and a maze
Were tackled by this boy.
Tink-a-tank, tink-a-tank, tink-a-tank!
Tink-a-tank!
Tink-a-tank, tink-a-tank, tink-a-tank!
Tink-a-tank!
A troll, a basilisk and a maze
Were tackled by this boy.
Tink-a-tank!
But praise incessant puffs the pride,
And glamour he'll employ
To cover all the deeds he's tried,
The rebellious Potter boy.
And he relies upon his fame,
To lighten the hoi polloi:
And tales he makes to shirk the blame,
This guilty Potter boy.
Tink-a-tank, tink-a-tank, tink-a-tank!
Tink-a-tank!
Tink-a-tank, tink-a-tank, tink-a-tank!
Tink-a-tank!
And tales he makes to shirk the blame,
This guilty Potter boy.
Tink-a-tank!
Who thinks he is good for he's famous.
He behaves as if we should be glad
To excuse all his crimes that are heinous.
In our youth we have cheated the law,
As boys we were quite the rotter;
But in this case we must expect more
From a role model like Harry Potter.
If there isn't a flaw?
Come in so merrily - Dumbledore!
Dumbledore! Dumbledore!
Come in so merrily - Dumbledore!
Dumbledore! Dumbledore!
Come in so merrily - Dumbledore!
Dumbledore! Dumbledore!
Come in so merrily - Dumbledore!
Wizengamot, Wizengamot, I speak for the defence.
Prepare yourselves, I'll talk some common sense.
To end this row.
I won't begrudge
Your missing owl!
(aside) But how?
FUDGE:
(aside) But how?
UMBRIDGE:
(aside) But how?
EVIL INTERROGATORS:
(to each other) But how? But how?
May your decree
Reflect the truth
And never be
Unfair on the youth.
Please tell!
BONES:
Please tell!
HARRY:
Please tell!
GOOD INTERROGATORS:
Please tell, please tell!
O Dumbledore, do hear my words, I pray.
Abuse of magic we've to try today.
But firstly to ensure no verdict you'll nudge
I'll tell you how I came to work for Fudge.
She'll tell us how she came to
work for Fudge!
UMBRIDGE:
I'll tell you how...
EVIL INTERROGATORS:
She'll tell us how...
UMBRIDGE:
I'll tell you how...
EVIL INTERROGATORS:
She'll tell us how, she'll tell us
how she came to work for Fudge!
UMBRIDGE:
Let me speak!
EVIL INTERROGATORS:
Let her speak!
UMBRIDGE:
Let me speak!
EVIL INTERROGATORS:
Let her speak!
UMBRIDGE:
Let me speak!
EVIL INTERROGATORS:
(in a whisper) Yes, let her speak
FUDGE:
Let her speak.
UMBRIDGE:
Hem, hem, I speak.
EVIL INTERROGATORS:
Hem, hem, she speaks.
She'll tell us how she came to work for Fudge.
When I, good friends, was a girl in school,
I had but one ambition.
To keep order my way and to make the rule
Was my particular mission.
I'd seven OWLs and a NEWT in Charms,
And three years spent as a prefect.
I possessed a skill, which often alarms,
In concealing obvious defect.
She possessed a skill which often
alarms,
In concealing obvious defect.
My careers adviser shook her head
My ambitions seemed to disdain her
"There isn't a place that could take you," she said
"With your boundless meg'lomania."
So I ordered her out of her office then,
Sent the Ministry a letter.
What an awful bunch of blundering men!
I knew I could do better.
What an awful bunch of blundering
men!
She knew she could do better.
The Ministry were less than thrilled
And replied to my firm petitions:
"All the vacancies here are already filled,
We care not for your ambitions."
"You shall make a space for one more," said I,
"And a royal gem you'll find me!
And every Ministry, by and by,
Will wish that they had signed me."
And every Ministry, by and by,
Will wish that they had signed her!
The seed they'd sown was sadly poor,
And soon enough they'd reap it.
They were never willing to break the law,
As part of their aim to keep it.
A man named Fudge spoke to me alone,
He asked if I would mind it
If he was the power on the throne,
And I the power behind it.
He was the power on the throne,
And she the power behind it.
At length we became a prosperous pair
Our rewards were all quite regal
And I'll do anything to keep us there
Whether legal or illegal
For the Ministry to lose us, why,
That would be simply tragic!
And now if you please, it's time to try
This gross misuse of magic.
And now if you please, it's time to try
This gross misuse of magic.
EVIL INTERROGATORS: Nor the good Fudge too!
UMBRIDGE: For I'll never budge!
EVIL INTERROGATORS: Nor the good Fudge too!
UMBRIDGE: Though nature will us judge
I will always work for Fudge
And I'll never ever budge!
EVIL INTERROGATORS: Nor the good Fudge too!
EVIL INTERROGATORS: And a good job too.
UMBRIDGE: I must always do my job.
EVIL INTERROGATORS: And a good job too.
UMBRIDGE: This Potter is a yob,
We must take him from the mob;
I must always do my job -
EVIL INTERROGATORS: And a good job too!
I'll state the charges.
They are as follows…
He engaged in underage sorcery:
A Patronus charm with a Muggle nearby,
Did two decrees of magic defy.
To all of this I make reply,
To all of this I make reply,
I summoned the Charm on Dementors nearby,
And thus did not the laws defy.
Thus did not the laws defy.
I have a witness,
Let her now be brought.
O, Arabella, come thou into court.
Arabella! (echo 'Arabella')
Arabella! (echo 'Arabella')
Comes the helpful neighbour
Comes the watchful Squib
To watch Harry she'd labour
Since he was in the crib
When the seeds are sowing -
When leaves fall from the twig,
Watching Harry growing,
Was Arabella Figg.
Arabella Figg!
Tell us your story, and what you saw,
Tell us, tell no lies from Dumbledore.
Tell us your story and what you saw,
Tell no lies from Dumbledore,
Tell no lies from Dumbledore,
Tell us, tell no lies from Dumbledore.
On August the second,
I was on my way
The shops to me had beckoned
On that summer's day
I, to the alley coming,
Heard a dreadful noise -
Dementors came in running,
Attacking two young boys.
Two young boys.
Dementors glide in - they're what you saw?
FUDGE:
Sounds like, sounds like lies from Dumbledore!
GOOD INTERROGATORS:
Tell us your story and what you
saw,
Tell no lies from Dumbledore,
Tell no lies from Dumbledore
GOOD/EVIL INTERROGATORS:
Tell us, tell no/Sounds like,
sounds like lies from Dumbledore!
Oh, never, never, never,
Since the days of my own youth,
Heard I a story so far from the truth!
EVIL INTERROGATORS:
Ah, sly one! Ah, sly one!
BONES: (To Figg)
What say you,
Please do describe Dementors before us.
FIGG:
Big cloak-wearing things that made me dolorous!
FUDGE: (sarcastically)
The witness, gentlemen, quite
overpowers!
FIGG:
I felt so cold and lonely, for what seems like
hours.
EVIL INTERROGATORS:
Ah, sly one! Ah, sly one!
FIGG:
Shivers ran through me, for what seems like,
what seems like hours.
Drew his wand, he didn't tarry,
Formed a stag Patronus!
A stag Patronus!
Patronus!
Pat-
Figg, you may go.
Wizengamot!
If I may make a comment.
I need hardly state the case
That her statement was fictitious
And of truth there was no trace;
That Dementors fled their binding,
All at once a wizard finding!
Could Dementors flee their binding?
All at once a wizard finding!
Coming straight into the alley;
An occurrence that is rare.
Not coincidentally
Could Dementors happen there.
To stray over Muggle borders,
They were surely taking orders.
To stray over Muggle borders,
They were surely taking orders.
Dumbledore, I am surprised,
Say if I misunderstand,
But it seems you have surmised,
This was an attack we planned!
Sending soul-thirsty Dementors,
On two youthful boys defenceless.
Sending soul-thirsty Dementors,
On two youthful boys defenceless.
This must be the sole conclusion,
If we trust in all you say;
If loyalty is no illusion,
Then this is the only way.
It is cause for us to worry
Why Dementors were in Surrey.
It is cause for us to worry
Why Dementors were in Surrey.
How false, you're dreaming, oh how false!
How false, how false, you're dreaming!
How false! How false!
How false, how false, you're dreaming!
How false! How false!
That Figg is lying is plain to see.
If truth you're trying, set Harry free.
Dementors serve but their own gain.
Oh, phony mentor! Explain! Explain!
To serve another, they'll forsake you
There is no other, this is not true!
Then they were sent by your command.
Were Dementors moved by Fudge's hand?
Potter! He's the
liar!
Never Fudge! These tales are dire!
Potter! Potter, he's the liar!
Remember the subject, I pray,
If they're not of the boy's imagination,
Of the hearing we're hearing today,
Dementors have no correlation.
For whether in Surrey they're found,
Or whether in Azkaban prison,
This question should not have come round,
For this is not our decision.
Consider the object, I pray,
Heed not Dumbledore's sad pretences -
The hearing we're hearing today,
Is all about Potter's offences.
Consider the object, we pray,
Heed not Dumbledore's sad pretences -
The hearing we're hearing today,
Is all about Potter's offences.
One shouldn't read sequels alone,
Nor is there a use in dissecting,
Then examining only the bone,
And never the tissue connecting.
In Clause Seven of the decree,
The one that's within your citation,
The lawmakers do all agree,
It depends on the situation.
So hear what the witnesses say,
Pay heed unto all the defences.
The hearing you're hearing today,
Decides if he did the offences.
So hear what the witnesses say,
Pay heed unto all the defences.
The hearing you're hearing today,
Decides if he did the offences.
That seems a sensible vindication,
To which, I think, we could possibly agree.
But despite Dumbledore's proud oration
We still know this boy has a history!
So authorities have reckoned,
He blew up his aunt one time.
And that is not his only crime!
Oh, what a rascal! Oh, what a rascal!
A young delinquent we have here
What shall we do with him?
Do with him?
Well first of all, I'll make it clear,
You cannot punish every whim.
He once used a Hover Charm,
We can't put that on the shelf.
I didn't do the harm,
That was a small House Elf!
That calls for all our wit.
I'll have him, I'll have him, I want his conviction,
This boy's too much trouble by far.
He's certainly crazy, he always spouts fiction,
The boy with the lightning-bolt scar.
He cannot help messing, I'll have him confessing,
On Veritaserum one day.
So you I'm addressing, be wise in assessing,
The sentence that Potter must pay -
Yes, he must pay!
It's not in your remit, it's not in your power,
To punish all Harry's mistakes.
From Hogwarts' dark dungeons to its tallest tower,
You don't enforce rules that he breaks.
The facts that you're stressing, we are not addressing
To this Wizengamot today.
Recall this professing when you are assessing
The sentence that Potter must pay.
Yes, he must pay.
We would be fairly acting,
What truth are we extracting?
If there Dementors, good the intent was
That is an abatement.
I'll have him, I'll have him, the boy with the
scar!)
DUMBLEDORE:
(It's not in your power to punish them
all!)
The evidence for the case is made completely
You've heard the questions, now give your reply
Was Potter guilty of using magic indiscreetly
Now make a statement, where do sympathies lie?
(raising their hands) By our verdict
We don't convict.
(raising their hands) We do convict.
We don't convict.
By our verdict, we don't/do
convict,
We don't/do convict! We don't/do convict!
Have beguiling curses seized you?
Could these lies have really pleased you?
It's time to make Potter pay,
Now you've let him get away.
Aurors and interrogators,
You have been naïve debaters!
Arguments held no faster
Then petty school's headmaster!
For the verdict is, I fear…
Potter is declared all clear!
Oh, wise judicion,
Correct decision!
Cleared of suspicion,
The boy may go.
Results reported,
Have shown we're thwarted,
Our plan aborted,
A striking blow.
(leaving the courtroom) Wonder if I'll,
See that witch vile,
That toad in the trial -
Suppose if I do?
It seems to me, lad,
That now you're free, lad
No threat is she, lad
Nor the 'good Fudge' too.
Oh, wise judicion
Correct decision!
Cleared of suspicion,
The boy may go.
That now I'm/you're free (lad)
No threat is she (lad)
Nor the 'good Fudge' too.
FUDGE: Nor will this Fudge too!
UMBRIDGE: Oh, I'll never budge!
FUDGE: Nor will this Fudge too!
UMBRIDGE: Though the Wizengamot judge,
I will always work for Fudge!
And I'll never never budge -
FUDGE: Nor will this Fudge too!
(BONES: No, no, no!)
FUDGE: And a great yob too!
UMBRIDGE: Though Potter is a yob
(BONES: No, no, no!)
FUDGE: And a great yob too!
UMBRIDGE: Though Potter is a yob,
We'll restore him to the mob,
And I'll get him in my job.
FUDGE: And a good job, too!
See also this second version of Trial by Wizengamot by Caius Marcius