Copyright 2005 by Caius Marcius
This HBP musical is based on the 1973 London studio recording of Joseph. I retained Lloyd Webber's original sequence, with one exception - I just had to use One More Angel in Heaven for Dumbledore's funeral
NOTE: Lloyd Webber's Joseph uses a singing narrator, who is not a character in the story, to describe much of the action as it occurs onstage. In this Half-Blood Prince musical, I'm retaining this device, by using Fred and George as my unseen narrators. My premise is that the twins have been so successful in their business ventures that they've been able to afford to buy their own Pensieve, which they are now employing to review the events of Year Six. But how then did they extract memories from the likes of Draco, Bellatrix, and Snape? The answer: their memories were freely given in exchange for 75% off coupons at Weasley's Wizard Wheezes (it is a well-documented fact that no Death Eater can resist a great bargain).
To the tune of Jacob and Sons
THE SCENE: In front of 93 Diagon Alley, the location of Weasley's Wizard Wheezes. Amidst the gloom of the Second Voldemort War, a CHORUS OF CITIZENS (including both staff and students of Hogwarts) slowly file in, after having passed through the security apparatus administered by several grim-faced Aurors and Argus Filch. Despite the starkness of the surroundings, the CHORUS is radiant with hope.
CHORUS OF CITIZENS
Way way back was his destiny foretold:
He'll achieve a Voldemort ban
Boy-Who-Lived from the Hollow of Godric
The indications say that boy is our man!
Harry, the Chosen One!
The prophets and Daily Prophet agree
Harry, the Chosen One:
That scoop from Department of the Mysteries
Voldy's wreaking havoc throughout the whole nation
Making sure all his Death Eaters get fed
His minions may be everywhere, indulging in crime
But now there is hope we won't end up dead
Harry, the Chosen One
Magic Messiah who Voldy can't brook
Harry, the Chosen One
Let us see what will happen in the next-to-last book
The scene shifts to Little Whinging, with HARRY hoping anxiously that DUMBLEDORE will arrive as promised
FRED
Harry was awaiting for a knock on the double door
With Petunia and Vernon on Privet Drive
GEORGE
Glanced out of the window and he saw Dumbledore
DUMBLEDORE
Eleven o'clock and I promptly arrive
Skipping over the memory of the visit to Slughorn's residence, we segue to HARRY'S arrival at the Burrow, where he receives the customary all-out Weasley welcome from the entire family.
THE WEASLEYS
Harry, welcome back home
With us at The Burrow, you ought to have fun
Harry, we will have fun
GINNY
'Cept with Phlegm - please pardon the pun…..
THE WEASLEYS:
Harry, welcome back home
Harry, welcome back home
Harry, welcome back home
Harry Harry Harry
Welcome back home ….
Exit all, into the Burrow
Turncoat
To the tune of Joseph's Coat
THE SCENE: Spinner's End. The twins witness the memory of two Death-Eating sisters en route to Chez Severus.
GEORGE:
FRED
BELLATRIX
NARCISSA
FRED & GEORGE
SNAPE
FRED:
SNAPE
BELLATRIX:
SNAPE:
SNAPE & WORMTAIL
NARCISSA (admiringly)
SNAPE & WORMTAIL
SNAPE:
GEORGE:
NARCISSA:
For at this deed
SNAPE:
BELLATRIX:
SNAPE:
With BELLATRIX as Bond-Holder, SNAPE takes the Unbreakable Vow
NARCISSA & WORMTAIL (with admiration)
SNAPE (overlapping with below)
BELLATRIX, WORMTAIL, FRED & GEORGE (overlapping with above)
NARCISSA falls to her knees and kisses SNAPE's hand
SNAPE & NARCISSA
Draco's Schemes
To the tune of Joseph's Dreams
THE SCENE: Diagon Alley. HARRY becomes suspicious over DRACO's latest machinations
FRED:
HARRY:
We flash back to DRACO'S memory, when he was first given the task of assassinating DUMBLEDORE
DRACO
VOLDEMORT lays an avuncular hand on DRACO'S shoulder
VOLDEMORT (to DRACO)
We return to Diagon Alley, as the Trio follow DRACO to Borgin & Burkes
HARRY:
DRACO:
Segue to the Hogwarts Express. To HARRY'S dismay, RON & HERMIONE do not share his apprehensions
RON & HERMIONE:
The schemes of course he can't pull off
HARRY
Exit RON & HERMIONE, leaving HARRY to ponder alone
It's now becoming very clear,
The efficacy of his scheme's
HARRY invisibly enters the Slytherin compartment
Nyahh, Nyahh, Potter
To the tune of Poor Poor Joseph
GEORGE:
DRACO:
FRED:
HARRY (invisible and paralyzed, but still able to sing)
Enter TONKS, with her wolf Patronus. Her depressed and disoriented state is suggested by the discordant pseudo-Arabic music
GEORGE:
HARRY/TONKS:
SNAPE (in his snarkiest manner):
Segue to the Start of Term feast
FRED:
DUMBLEDORE:
GEORGE:
RON:
FRED:
SNAPE
RON:
GEORGE:
HARRY:
SLUGHORN:
FRED:
HARRY, FRED & GEORGE:
Voldemort
To the tune of Potiphar
As highly ominous music plays in the background, HARRY makes his way to DUMBLEDORE'S office. The Headmaster directs HARRY'S attention to the Pensieve placed in the center of the room.
FRED & GEORGE
Where they both studied the life of Lord Voldemort
DUMBLEDORE taps on the side of the Pensieve with his wand, and escorts HARRY on a stately promenade through VOLDEMORT'S early years
DUMBLEDORE:
RIDDLE, FRED & GEORGE:
DUMBLEDORE:
RIDDLE:
RIDDLE, FRED & GEORGE:
DUMBLEDORE, HARRY, FRED & GEORGE/ RIDDLE:
Voldemort/ I myself became obsessive
DUMBLEDORE:
RIDDLE:
DUMBLEDORE & RIDDLE:
RIDDLE:
HARRY, FRED & GEORGE:
DUMBLEDORE:
During the instrumental bridge, we see TOM RIDDLE altering Morphin's memory, followed by Morphin confessing to the murder of Tom Riddle Sr. Segue to RIDDLE entering the boudoir of HEPZIBAH SMITH, as he hungrily eyes her priceless momentos
DUMBLEDORE, HARRY, FRED & GEORGE:
Voldy wanted to collect an
RIDDLE/SMITH & HOKEY:
Segue to the hallway before the Headmaster's office, as RIDDLE strolls his way toward an interview with DUMBLEDORE
HARRY, FRED & GEORGE:
Dumbledore then said to Thomas
PENSIEVE!DUMBLEDORE:
RIDDLE (enraged) :
Ev'ryone hired for that post
The tour over, DUMBLEDORE et al. return to the Headmaster's office
DUMBLEDORE, HARRY, FRED & GEORGE:
Close the Slug Club
To the tune of Close Every Door
THE SCENE: The Sixth-Floor Boys' Room. A weeping DRACO MALFOY pours out his heart to the attentive MOANING MYRTLE (The Twins observe without comment)
DRACO:
Close the Slug Club to me
During the instrumental bridge, DRACO & MYRTLE waltz around the boys' room together
At fixing the cabinet
This sad song that I'm beltin' out
DRACO/MYRTLE:
As he makes his big finish, DRACO reveals the Dark Mark emblazoned on his arm
For I/he have been given
Go Go Go Half-Blood
To the tune of Go Go Go Joseph
THE SCENE: Slughorn's Potions Class. The co-titular protagonist springs into annotated action.
FRED:
GEORGE:
HARRY:
The Pensieve takes us briefly back to Slughorn's initial appearence
FRED:
GEORGE:
We return to the Potions Class of Chapter 8
SLUGHORN (aside)
FRED:
SLUGHORN:
GEORGE:
SLUGHORN:
HARRY: (reading from the Prince's book)
FRED:
HERMIONE:
SLUGHORN: (giving the Felix Felicis to Harry)
Segue to the Potions Class taught in Chapter 18
GEORGE:
HARRY & RON:
HARRY:
SLUGHORN is impressed by HARRY'S improvised solution to the antidote problem. HERMIONE is, of course, deeply angered.
SLUGHORN:
FRED:
SLUGHORN:
After class, HARRY'S joy is such that he breaks into a dance of triumph, much to HERMIONE'S annoyance
HARRY:
Go, go, go, Half-Blood, the ultimate text
HERMIONE:
No, no, the Half-Blood, I think was a lass
HARRY laughs off HERMIONE'S statement and continues his triumphant dance, whilst thumbing through the Prince's book
HARRY:
HARRY continues dancing as the memory fades out
Go, go, go Half-Blood…….
Shipping Stories
To the tune of Pharoah Story
THE SCENE: The Gryffindor Common Room. The Twins stroll around the room, focusing first on a Lavender-smitten RON
GEORGE:
But that Won-Won clown
CHORUS OF GRYFFINDORS:
The Twins now direct their attention toward their sister
FRED:
FRED & GEORGE:
ROMILDA VANE & LAVENDER BROWN:
FRED & GEORGE:
ROMILDA, LAVENDER & FEMALE CHORUS:
FRED, GEORGE & CHORUS OF GRYFFINDOR STUDENTS:
ROMILDA, LAVENDER, & CHORUS OF DISAPPOINTED SHIPPERS:
Pour, Pour, Sluggy!/Song of the Horcrux
To the tune of Poor, Poor Pharaoh/Song of the Pharaoh
THE SCENE: The Gryffindor Common Room. Frustrated in his efforts to get the Horcrux memory from Slughorn, Harry decides to let luck be his liquid tonight
GEORGE:
FRED:
HAGRID:
SLUGHORN (to HARRY):
Segue to HAGRID'S cabin, as SLUGHORN and HARRY arrive
GEORGE:
HAGRID:
Segue to a few hours after Aragog's funeral, with HAGRID and SLUGHORN both heavily intoxicated, HARRY asks again about the Horcrux
SLUGHORN (drunkenly) :
Poor, poor Harry,
SLUGHORN gives the Horcrux memory to HARRY before passing out. We segue to DUMBLEDORE'S office, as the Headmaster pours the newly-obtained memory into the Pensieve. We are plunged back to 1940s Hogwarts, specifically SLUGHORN'S private chambers, where he is being interrogated by TOM RIDDLE. SLUGHORN'S luxuriant smoking jacket, it should be noted, is decorated with some unusually bold patterns of sequins
FRED & GEORGE:
RIDDLE (imperiously):
SLUGHORN:
RIDDLE, HARRY, DUMBLEDORE, FRED & GEORGE:
SLUGHORN:
RIDDLE, HARRY, DUMBLEDORE, FRED & GEORGE:
SLUGHORN:
RIDDLE, HARRY, DUMBLEDORE, FRED & GEORGE:
SLUGHORN:
RIDDLE, HARRY, DUMBLEDORE, FRED & GEORGE:
SLUGHORN:
You tear your soul through murder
If I'm understanding rightly 'bout the splitting of a soul,
RIDDLE, HARRY, DUMBLEDORE, FRED & GEORGE:
SLUGHORN:
RIDDLE, HARRY, DUMBLEDORE, FRED & GEORGE:
SLUGHORN becomes increasingly concerned as he realizes that RIDDLE'S interest in the Horcrux is more than academic
SLUGHORN:
RIDDLE, HARRY, DUMBLEDORE, FRED & GEORGE:
SLUGHORN:
RIDDLE, HARRY, DUMBLEDORE, FRED & GEORGE:
SLUGHORN:
Hey, hey, hey Tommy
RIDDLE is lost in rapture as he contemplates this glorious prospect of eternal life on earth
RIDDLE (spoken, emerging from his reverie):
SLUGHORN (spoken):
RIDDLE (spoken):
SLUGHORN (music):
The Prophecy Explained
To the tune of Pharaoh's Dreams Explained
As SLUGHORN'S memory ends, DUMBLEDORE & HARRY return to the Headmaster's office
DUMBLEDORE:
HARRY (sullenly):
DUMBLEDORE:
HARRY (resolutely):
HARRY & DUMBLEDORE:
DUMBLEDORE:
HARRY:
HARRY & DUMBLEDORE:
CHORUS OF PORTRAITS:
HARRY, DUMBLEDORE & CHORUS:
HARRY & DUMBLEDORE high-five as HARRY exits - unfortunately, they've high-fived with DUMBLEDORE'S blackened hand, causing him to wince in pain
Wall of Stone
To the tune of Stone the Crows
NOTE: We expect nothing less than innovation and ingenuity from the twins, and once again they display their dazzling genius. During this song, they will utilize a new Pensieve feature they designed, which allows multiple memories to be observed simultaneously.
THE SCENE: The seventh-floor corridor before the tapestry of dancing trolls. A frustrated HARRY tries once more to enter the Room of Requirement, which DRACO has taken over for - can you say mbahahaha? - purposes unknown.
GEORGE:
HARRY:
Dobby, you must help with Kreacher:
GEORGE:
FRED:
DOBBY & KREACHER (simultaneous with below) :
LITTLE-GIRLS!CRABBE & GOYLE (simultaneous with above):
GEORGE:
Segue to the scene of HARRY'S Saturday detentions
SNAPE & McGONAGALL:
Segue to the Room of Requirement, which actually opens when HARRY needs to hide the Prince's book
HARRY:
The memory screen splits in half, so that as Harry departs the Room, we now simultaneously see the Headmaster's office, as DUMBLEDORE gives an important message to a trembling First-Year student
DUMBLEDORE (to Jimmy Perkins):
The memory screen splits into thirds: simultaneously with HARRY (now back in Gryffindor's Common Room) and DUMBLEDORE (in his office) we now are privy to the Room of Requirement, wherein DRACO celebrates a spectacular breakthrough
DRACO:
Enter, via the cabinet, a CHORUS OF DEATH EATERS led by FENRIR GREYBACK
CHORUS OF DEATH EATERS:
In HARRY'S portion of the screen, we can see him receiving the message from DUMBLEDORE. He immediately makes his way to the Headmaster's office.
The memory screen then splits into four parts: The new addition shows SNAPE sitting in the Defense Against the Dark Arts office, which is decorated in soft pastels, with technicolor posters of kittens, bright yellow Smiley faces, and a large "I Heart Dumbledore" banner posted above his desk (the Twins suspect this memory may have been tampered with).
SNAPE (cryptically):
FRED faces the reader as he sings the following stanzas standing before the Split-Screen!Pensieve, as we simultaneously observe HARRY, DRACO, DUMBLEDORE & SNAPE moving inexorably toward their interlocking destinies
FRED:
But en route to Dumble's office
These Dobbin Days
To the tune of Those Canaan Days
THE SCENE: We collapse back to a single scene, once again before the locked Room of Requirement. HARRY arrives just as PROFESSOR TRELAWNEY is unceremoniously ejected from the Room by persons (cough cough) unknown. As HARRY helps her get to her feet, one of trolls begins to play a sad and nostalgic tune on a troll accordion (which are always badly out of tune).
TRELAWNEY (not without slur):
Now I'm dressed in tattered rags
These Dobbin days that I endure
I can remember the day I met Dumble
TRELAWNEY/HARRY:
TRELAWNEY:
HARRY:
TRELAWNEY & HARRY
The Debate over Severus Cha-Cha
To the tune of The Brothers Come to Egypt
THE SCENE: DUMBLEDORE'S office. HARRY enters in a state of intense anger. Where indicated, the CHORUS OF PORTRAITS clap three times
GEORGE:
HARRY (to Dumbledore):
DUMBLEDORE:
You may join me if you would prefer (clap, clap, clap!)
HARRY accepts DUMBLEDORE'S conditions, but has a vital task to perform before departing
HARRY:
Fester Fester
To the tune of Grovel Grovel
THE SCENE: The Gryffindor Common Room. HARRY gives some important last-minute instructions to HERMIONE & RON
HARRY (to Hermione & Ron):
Segue to the remote seaside cavern as DUMBLEDORE and HARRY arrive
FRED:
GEORGE:
DUMBLEDORE (to Harry):
CHORUS OF INFERI:
DUMBLEDORE (to Harry):
CHORUS OF INFERI:
FRED:
HARRY & DUMBLEDORE stand before the basin, prominently marked with a Mr. Yuck sticker
HARRY:
DUMBLEDORE:
CHORUS OF INFERI:
The cha-cha tune recurs. THE CHORUS OF INFERI raise their hands out of the water to clap three times where indicated
FRED & GEORGE:
DUMBLEDORE:
GEORGE:
DUMBLEDORE (agonized):
One More Sip
To the tune of Who's the Thief?
DUMBLEDORE
FRED:
A totally terrified HARRY forces DUMBLEDORE to drain what will prove to be twelve successive cups - the Twins look on, equally terrified, with the tension mounting unbearably as each cup is drained
HARRY:
DUMBLEDORE:
HARRY:
DUMBLEDORE:
HARRY:
DUMBLEDORE:
HARRY:
DUMBLEDORE:
HARRY:
DUMBLEDORE
HARRY:
DUMBLEDORE:
HARRY:
DUMBLEDORE:
HARRY:
DUMBLEDORE:
HARRY & GEORGE:
DUMBLEDORE:
HARRY & FRED:
DUMBLEDORE:
HARRY, FRED & GEORGE
FRED & GEORGE
HARRY, FRED & GEORGE
DUMBLEDORE pockets the Horcrux as the Inferi decide to liven things up. HARRY'S attempts to repel them prove ineffective, but DUMBLEDORE is able to clear out the deadwood (so to speak)
HARRY (supporting Dumbledore):
I'll Apparate us back to safety
DUMBLEDORE:
But when HARRY returns with DUMBLEDORE to Hogsmeade, they see an ominous warning above Hogwarts Castle
FRED & GEORGE (softly):
HARRY & DUMBLEDORE (softly, to Madam Rosmerta)
Sever Us Calypso
To the tune of Benjamin Calypso
THE SCENE: The Hogwarts ramparts. DRACO traps DUMBLEDORE and threatens to kill him (as the invisible HARRY looks on in helpless paralysis)
DRACO (with false bravado):
DUMBLEDORE (calm but clearly weakened)
Just as DRACO seems about ready to be persuaded by DUMBLEDORE'S offer of mercy, the CHORUS OF DEATH EATERS enters
CHORUS OF DEATH EATERS
DRACO is unable to act, frozen with remorse and terror. Enter SNAPE, unaccompanied
SNAPE (his face contorted with hatred)
SNAPE murders DUMBLEDORE with the Avada Kedavra spell - the Headmaster's body falls over the ramparts
CHORUS OF DEATH EATERS
Snapey Mega-Crime
To the tune of Joseph All the Time
THE SCENE: The grounds of Hogwarts. With HAGRID'S hut burning in the background, HARRY pursues the escaping SNAPE and DRACO
FRED:
HARRY (using the Sectumsempra curse on Snape):
SNAPE (lazily deflecting the curse as he flees):
HARRY, HAGRID, FRED & GEORGE:
Snapey Fled From Hogwarts
To the tune of Jacob in Egypt
As befits his royal status, SEVERUS SNAPE (with DRACO following) departs from Hogwarts to the rhythms of a stately march - or as stately as possible given that he is being pursued by an angry Hippogriff - and Disapparates to safety
GEORGE & FRED:
Draco's mother, also known as Lucius' wife
Fled from Bella, who then took a fox's life
She did descend on Spinner's End
To with Sevvy Snape confer
But I tell you, Severus we musn't trust
If the Dark Lord finds you here, you will be cussed
Give it a rest, I must protest,
I will not be deterred
And though she looked faint and wan
Cissy broke away and ran
Then the door to my small house swung open
And you see the place in which I lope in
Why not stay and chat a while?
Said ol' Snape with sneering smile
And my loyalties you shall determine
As we drink wine served us by this vermin
For the Dark Lord knows that I am true and blue
How can you claim Voldemort is number one
When you've nothing done to make Dumble undone?
A Hogwarts pet, you pose no threat
And, so, deny it if you dare!
How could I the Dark Lord manage to deceive?
That's a statement no one e'er could believe
I am the guy who works as spy
As Voldy is aware
For you ought to know, of course,
I/He serve(s) the Dark Side of the Force
Such a crass turncoat and quite the traitor
I/He would hope you note that I'm/he's a traitor
Dumbledore has gone downhill
And that Potter kid is nil
I'm a crass turncoat and quite the traitor
I give thanks you note that I'm a hater
I am bad and evil and mean and
Snide but true!
Draco's mother turned
To Snape, began to wail
My poor baby boy has
Been set up to fail
He can't succeed
I think it's so unfair
But the Dark Lord's disinclined
At this point to change his mind
To aid Draco, you would never risk it!
All your boasting, I can't wait to fisk it!
All you have to do is ask
I will help Draco in his task
I shall take the Vow that can't be broken
So that Bella knows I am not jokin'
He is bad and evil and mean and snide
And snarky and dank and snaky and base
And rotten and awful and violent and rude
And wicked and foul and crooked and rank
And vile and vicious and slimy and gross
And hateful and hurtful and harmful and harsh
And wretched and damned and cold and cruel…..
All you had to do was ask
I'll help Draco in his task
I just took the Vow that can't be broken
Even Bella now sees I'm not jokin'
Bad, evil, mean, snide
Snarky, dank, snaky, base
And rotten and awful and violent and rude
And wicked and foul and crooked and rank
And vile and vicious and slimy and gross
And hateful and hurtful and harmful and harsh
And wretched and damned and cold and cruel…..
……But true!
Draco's boasts annoyed our hero
But what truly irks
Are the things that Draco tells them
About doing Voldy's work.
I schemed after he gave the job
He needed to have done.
Unforgiven is your dad
I thought I'd have some fun
Lucius behaved disgracefully
'Twas quite a major glitch
So I'll sacrifice his son -
Aren't paybacks such a bitch?
This is just the kind of thing that causes me concern
It seems to me that Draco has a scheme we ought to learn
I schemed and snuck away from Mum
Into Knockturn Alley
Showing to the clerk my arm,
What Voldy burned on me.
(to Mr. Borgin) I have got a certain thing
I need you to secure
Or else you'll get a visit from
A friend with lots of fur
The schemes of dear old Draco are
The merest fantasy
His Knockturn Alley stray detours
Are to impress Pansy
Although he may be ruthless
But he's also rather blonde
And he is just a tiny fish
In a gigantic pond
That is, we think he won't pull off
That is, we're sure he'll just fall off
What if I'm right all along?
He's up to something big
The way that he protects his arm
Suggests a DE gig
Obscured in smog and smoke
But I've a thing that he does not -
My father's favorite cloak!
Quite soon, on the train
Harry spied on his Slytherin foes
But I hit him with
PT spell, then I broke his nose
So he laughed as though it were a joke
Wrapped our hero up in his own cloak
And he left me here,
All alone, and sight unseen
Nymphodora Tonks
And her Patronus intervened
In a flash, the pair were at the gate
Where we met a man I/you truly hate
Nyahh, nyahh, Potter, penalties accrue
This stunt you will rue, hey, this stunt you will rue
Nyahh, nyahh, Potter, no Ford car for you,
Points I'll take from you, hey, points I'll take from you
Then Dumbledore did
What Harry thought was not too smart
Clap for Severus Snape!
He'll teach this year Against Dark Arts
In a trice the DADA deal was done
Hopefully, he won't survive Year One
In the DADA class
Severus Snape removed the glove
Indestructible
You can't destroy what I so well love
Now I'll help you learn nonverbal spells
And helping us is not what Snape does well
Slughorn's Potions Class
That was the lesson which came next
Harry raised his hand
Sir, I lack the proper text
Lucky thing I've extra books on tap
The Prince's book fell right in Harry's lap
Oh now, Hermy, you are gonna wince
I/He will get my hints, hey, from the Half-Blood Prince
Poor, poor, Hermy, though she may reproach
The Prince will be my/his coach, hey, Prince will be my/his coach….
Harry reported to Dumbledore's office den
Harry reported to Dumbledore's office den…..
Where they both studied the life of Lord Voldemort
Voldemort was quite a bad sort
Though a handsome lad by all reports
He had won admission to Hogwarts…
…and Slytherin
Voldemort had learned to strong-arm
But when needed, he turned on the charm
Guaranteeing a reception warm….
….I/He would win
Hogwarts was a quite important
Place where he/I the Dark Arts mastered
Organized a gang of thugs that
We now call Death Eaters
At the thought of life eternal
His/My goal was to be immortal
And the first Death Cheater
Voldemort was cool and so slick
Ministry said, "Of jobs, take your pick."
But he'd/I'd purposes diabolic
And menacing
I became a self-made orphan
Then upon his soul he took more sin
Altered memories so poor Morphin
Would sing.
Voldy looked for some employment
To advance his evil project
Found a job on Knockturn Alley
Buying dark antique-work
Item from each of the Founders
Voldy framed the elf, slew Smith
I take/He took these things from weak jerks
Dumbledore was in his office
Interviewing Thomas Riddle
Who wanted to teach at Hogwarts
Anti-dark defenses
I won't give you what you're wanting
I won't further your agenda
I've not lost my senses
'Course you know that this means war! (Roar!)
I shall now curse your HR
Shall keep it for only a year at most
Poor poor Voldy, headed straight for hell
In love you never fell, hey, so does Rowling tell
Poor poor Voldy, with turpitude you dwell
Headed straight for hell, hey, headed straight for hell
Lord Voldemort tells me
What deed he wants from me
Assassination
To augment his might
He'll do what he wants to me
If unsuccessful, he'll
Trash all my slashfic
Shut down my fansites.
My task's so important I'll
Be killed if it goes awry
And that is what makes me cry
Here in the can
Keep Quidditch play from me
I serve a Master with
A heart cold as stone
I cannot rest until
I Headmaster blood spill
For I have been given
A Mark of my own.
I'll take one more stab
I'll pour Polyjuice to
Unsex Goyle & Crabbe
I'll save my mother
From Lord Voldy's cursin'
Rescue my father from
A cell dark and drab
I hope helps Tom Felton out
For I must start meltin' doubt
Here in the john
Snatch all/his my thongs from me/him
Black leather strip from me/him
This child of Slytherin
For my/his clan atones
There's a sword overhead
Until Dumble's dead
A Mark of my/his own.
Potions class was not a place
Where Harry ever met success
Five long years with Severus Snape
Contributed to his distress
Then Harry reached an apogee
Thanks to a book signed "HBP"
Go, go go, Half-Blood, you know how to mix
Stay with me, Half-Blood, I'll ace my Year Six
Please guide me, Half-Blood, you are the Boss
I'll read your book and attend to each gloss
Dumbledore bought Slughorn back
Who was in hiding as a couch
Although the man was quite corrupt
He was at least no Snape-like grouch
Hey Sluggy! You're accepting "E's".
Hey Sluggy! Harry should be pleased.
Go, go, go Harry, in Potions I'll sub.
I'll get you, Harry, into my Slug Club.
If you can show me that you are the best
You'll win a prize in my little contest.
First day in Slughorn's Potions Class
He gave to them to a thorny task
I want you to make for me of
DLD a single flask
The best-done Draught shall a earn a prize
Ev'ry student gazed with marveling eyes
You may just wonder now what all this is
What I have is Felix Felicis
What you are making, it if doesn't suck
Could win a bottle of my liquid luck
"Squeeze upon the bean, my friend,
And you will see its juices flow.
And with every seventh stir,
The opposite way once should go."
With elation, Harry saw he'd not fail
His mixture was the right shade of pale
There I was brewin' and doin' my best
But Harry's now got the Prince's digest
This Prince is a bounder, I greatly suspect
It isn't official so it's incorrect
Harry's skill is really great
In Potion work he most excels
The lad has got his mother's eyes
And that explains his talent well
Later Slughorn taught of Golpalott
Does it make sense? Not a hell of a lot!
Not understanding a thing that he said
My reputation could crash 'round my head
I looked to the Prince and found there this note:
"Just shove a bezoar straight down the ol' throat"
Here's the most important thing
A Potion-maker needs: that's pluck!
Hermy gazed into her palm
Against her forehead it then struck
You've a gift that leaves me filled with awe
Your cheek shall earn ten points for Gryffindor
Go, go, go, Half-Blood, you make me to dance
Hang with me, Half-Blood, you'll help me advance
Sha la la, Half-Blood, you've got me in shape
If only I'd met you before I met Snape
Hold off the Half-Blood, I am sorely vexed
Though you may well kick Voldemort's butt
It is unfair to use Potion short cuts
Look here now, Harry, this proof I've amassed
Sha na na, Harry, her name was Eileen
They say of Gobstones she was the queen
Go, go, go, Half-Blood, there is no dispute
You'll win me, Half-Blood, an O in my NEWTS
Sha la la, Half-Blood, you make things simpler
Oh, look, a spell called Sectumsempra
Ronald, he was
A sixteen-year-old
Just a bit of a prat
Were the truth to be told
It might be said that our youngest of bros
Was obtuse with a capital O
Whatever he did
He was largely ignored
Tell Slughorn of him
He'd be totally bored
But one kept watch over
Him ev'ry term
Don't ask her full name
But for short, call her Herm
Somehow wound up with Lavvy Brown
If you ever see dive-bombing canaries
That's 'cause Herm's displeased
A shipping story
A shipping story
A shipping story
A shipping story
Down at the other
End of the hall
Ginny still thinks
That her chances are small
She so loves the lad with
The eyes that are green
But meanwhile she's stayin'
Pretty friendly with Dean
But remember that the course of
True love never runs smooth
By the close of this volume
We will all see the truth
The end of the season
Will make Gryffindor champs
As Harry and Gin'll
Join in holy lip-clamp
Since the Yule Dance
There's been a string of strange romance
And we twins who have observed how
These hearts thaw
Could get new in-laws
Other shippers
Send out an SOS!
Other shippers
Send out an SOS!
After the Ball
We've learned that Love does conquer all
And we twins do both agree that
This should thrill
Folks at Sugar Quill.
Other shippers
Send out an SOS!
Other shippers
Send out an SOS!
Since the Yule Dance
There's been a string of strange romance
And the twins who have observed how
These hearts thaw
Could get new in-laws
Fleur won't have to
Lend us her wedding dress
Fleur won't have to
Lend us her wedding dress……
In his room Harry
Drank his Felicis brew
Good luck came to him, he saw at
Once what he should do.
Slughorn held a mem'ry he kept hid
About something that wizard laws forbid
Then the spider died
Sad!
I know I could make a sale
Of its toxic sting
Let's drop by to weep and wail
Hagrid cried:
Sluggy came to his funeral
With an impressive stock - mmm! - of alcohol
Poor, poor Harry,
Brave did Lily die
You have got her eyes, hey,
You have got her eyes
So ashamed am I
But I will comply, hey,
But I will comply
Slughorn did the mem'ry give -
Once more into the Pensieve!
I must learn of these Dark Arts deluxe
What is the story of Horcrux?
So you was wondering about a way to live forever
And you saw "Horcrux" in a lib'ry file, uh-huh
Bop-bop-showadda-bop-bop-bop-showadda
Books won't describe these quite secret formulas, they're
Evil and accursed, wicked and vile, uh-huh
Bop-bop-showadda-bop-bop-bop-showadda
Well you tear your soul in two parts by a
Way that's none-too-good, uh-huh
Bop-bop-showadda-bop-bop-bop-showadda
'Cause it ought to stay intact just like
Its maker thought it should
Bop-bop-showadda-bop-bop-bop-showadda
To split your soul is a thing
That you should never never never try
A demeanin' act of evil
Hey, Tommy, it is better just to die!
An act forever cursed
But you aren't cruel, Tommy,
You just for knowledge thirst
It's a way to guarantee you'll be reborn, uh-huh
Bop-bop-showadda-bop-bop-bop-showadda
Then your life, it is guarded if
You stashed,
Nice and safe into an object you chose,
The soul that was torn, uh-huh
Bop-bop-showadda-bop-bop-bop-showadda
Well, ol' Slughorn, he'd be forlorn
If you've something in mind yes I would
Bop-bop-showadda-bop-bop-bop-showadda
Hey, Tommy, do not bee line
For things that have been so maligned
Bop-bop-showadda-bop-bop-bop-showadda
No a soul's torn only once, no one ever, ever ever tried, no, they ain't,
To divide it into seven parts
It smacks too much of Jekyll and of Hyde
Don't never tell old Dumble
About this crazy, crazy, crazy talk we just had!
Oh, yeah!
I say, Sluggy..
Uh, huh?
What was that again?
Hey, hey, hey Tommy
Don't never tell old Dumble
About this crazy, crazy, crazy talk we just had!
Oh, yeah!
Seven ways did Voldemort his soul divide
You made sure that Riddle in his diary died
And I did fling away his ring
We still have five more parts to go
But for that, the future's all been set for me
Don't put too much stock in Sibyll's prophecy
Be certain of the strength of love
Which makes you his worst foe
Chosen One, you still can choose
To accept or to refuse
What you say is changing my demeanor
I'll walk proudly into the arena
And we hardly need to ask
Who can best complete this task
You are quite the critical component
Voldemort fears you as his opponent
So who this team will be
We two both know
Who this team will be
Those two both know
Who this team will be
We all now know!!
Harry said:
This wall of stone
Shows Draco is a sneaky kid
Who'd have thought he'd use the Room
To hide his secret power grid?
I have got a job for you
You shall follow Draco Malfoy
To find out what he's up to
Harry found that the young girls
Were Crabbe and Goyle on patrol
But he still could not get through
The tapestry of dancing trolls
Harry tried out ev'ry method
To go where that liar went
Couldn't find a spell to show
The blocked Room of Requirement
Draco,
Harry's after you
Draco,
Harry's after you
Ahhhhhhhhh!
Draco
Harry can't get through
Draco
Harry can't get through
Ahhhhhhhhh!
Harry walked into the loo
As Draco M to Myrtle wept
Draco shot a Crucio curse
(We'll assume he was adept)
Harry used a Sectumsempra
Princely spell to Draco hit
We'd call that a rational
Response to that foul git
Harry, how could you ever use
Curses too dark to mention?
For this act there is no excuse -
Spend Saturdays in detention!
Half-Blood, we were the perfect team
'Cept for that one little hex
I'm afraid that you'll have to hide
Within this cluttered complex
Perkins, please take this note to tell
Harry that I have need of him -
Info of Horcrux to me just fell
I trust that he knows how to swim
Don't you know that
Facin' my worst threat
I fixed up the cabinet.
Let DEs into Hogwarts slip!
Project the skull and snake!
Young Malfoy and Greyback
Tell us it's time for payback
There's no way that anyone can tell if
I am real or just a fake…..
Now we're racing to the climax:
Draco, Harry, Dumbledore,
Cabinets, caverns and the Horcrux
Werewolves, Snape & Voldemort
Harry finds a gal in need
Wearing shawls and huge eyeglasses
Bangles, jewels and beads…..
Do you remember the good years at Hogwarts?
Divination was always divine
My Inner Eye was 20/20
I accurately read each sign
I taught of the oracles with pleasure
'Till I crossed paths with Dolores
My colleague is a bob-tailed nag
It's like I'm trapped in Schaffer's play Equus
I have to work with these centaurs
Mon sherry, that Firenze!
Ah, these Dobbin days!
At Hogs Head, the Hogsmeade bistro
All my clairvoyant, prescient forecasts
Said to me this position would go.
But just as he made his job offer
It seems that I was overheard
The innkeep burst in all agape
With the eavesdropping Sev'rus Snape
I've always thought that man was quite a nerd
The Hogs Head Inn, I/you interviewed
With ear of Snape to doorway glued
Oh how that man betrays
Send a curse his way!
It's funny, I think I heard whooping
Before I was thrown from the room
The facts are all there in the cards
Tonight dark powers shall hit hard
The tower struck by light'ning portends doom
Oh, Dumbledore, on the payroll,
You've placed a man who's Voldy's mole!
Alas, we're cross and glum
For Snape's a fifth column!
So straight to Dumble went Harry enraged (clap, clap, clap!)
With ol' Snape you've been too disengaged! (clap, clap, clap!)
I have just been informed by Ms. Sybill T.
That through Snape, Voldy learned of The Prophecy
That's a Shell I'd describe as a Bomb
Thanks to Snape, I'm as orphaned as Tom! (clap, clap, clap!)
Sevvy Snape should not get all the blame (clap, clap, clap!)
When your folks died, he felt so ashamed (clap, clap, clap!)
That is what led him to renounce Lord Voldy
We shall have to agree here to disagree
I'm now off on a dangerous quest (clap, clap, clap!)
To a cavern that Horcrux infest. (clap, clap, clap!)
But you must obey ev'ry order (clap, clap, clap!)
If I tell you to go back or promptly scoot,
Raise that flag up the pole, give it a salute! (clap, clap, clap!)
There is one thing that I must confirm (clap, clap, clap!)
That's the safety of Ron and of Herm
He schemed that when Dumble's away
He would then launch his strike
Gryffindor and the DA must make them take a hike
I'll offer the Marauder's Map, and a sock full of luck -
Please give my farewell to Gin and don't forget to duck
Near this bleak and rugged seascape, a Horcrux is hid
In a cave where Thomas Riddle once tortured kids.
How will they know where it is?
Please be sure to closely follow:
Waters don't try
You can see this place is guarded
By some Inferi
Fester, fester, rot, stink, decay
Moulder, moulder, mildew away
Voldemort has made this doorway, and to get through
I must offer hemoglobin (quite crude, it's true)
Out there in the middle is
A very tiny little island
We'll reach by boat
Just ignore all the Inferius that you see float
Fester, fester, rot, decompose
Moulder, moulder, keep watch for foes
Then Dumbledore climbed in the vessel, with Harry in tow
Soon they stood before the basin and its green glow
Is the Horcrux there inside?
At the bottom of the basin the Horcrux was placed
But it seems as though this potion can't be displaced
Fester, fester, stink, rot, decay
Moulder, moulder, zombie all day
Dumble said -
I must drink every drop (clap, clap, clap!)
And you must guarantee I don't stop (clap, clap, clap!)
It may bring on great anguish or my wits turn
It could even result in severe heartburn
Down his throat did the green potion flow (clap, clap, clap!)
As his face did contract with a horrible pain, he cried:
No!
No!
No!
No!
No!
Stop! Don't make me! -- OK, I'm giving up!
I don't want to drink from Tom Riddle's bitter cup!
Harry had to tell him, "Drain it to the dregs!"
Dumbledore was sobbing, he for mercy begged
One more sip! One more sip!
That's the first cup!
No!
The second cup!
No!
The third cup!
No!
Number four!
No!
The fifth cup!
No!
Here's the sixth cup!
No!
The seventh!
No!
A bit more!
Here's the eighth cup!
No!
Now the ninth!
No!
We're almost there!
No!
Eleventh!
Is it drained, is it drained, could it possibly be -
The Horcrux! Yes! Yes! Yes!
Dumbledore, you noble sage
I fear that you might well expire
But you yet retain such strength
To save us with your ring of fire
I feel secure for you are with me
Then they saw floating over the school
The spectral Dark Mark, emerald and cruel
Give us two broomsticks, away we must fly
Let us make haste, lest someone should die
Ha ha -- it's me
This is so amusing to the nth degree
Checkmate - you fail!
Dumbledore, you deader dan de dumb doornail
I hear de steel not in your voice
Hey, Draco lad, you know, you got de choice
I would prefer if you, sir, see
Putting down your wand will win my mercy
Oh no - don't stop
Draco lad, you gotta make old Dumble plop
No ifs, no buts
You-Know-Who has got you by the You-Know-Whats
Sure as de ghost drift down through de halls
Draco, he lack what de call de Yule Balls
Never send boy to do man's job
I'll be de Slytherin wicked slob
Ho Ho - hooray!
Snapey take out Dumble with a cool AK
Sevvy - such tricks!
Dumbledore in sixth book now become deep-six
La, la, la, la, la, etc.
And Harry knew by this his teacher was an evil man
The Prince's curse will help me send cowards to Azkaban
Can't you recognize my script?
Did not the hints you see?
This Snapey, who you coward call,
The Half-Blood Prince, is me!
Snapey! Snapey! Was that really you?
Snapey! Snapey! That makes us cry, "Ewwww!"
Snapey! Snapey!
So Snapey fled from Hogwarts, to hide with Voldemort
And never again shall he subtract points from Gryffindor