The hills are alive... with "Sister" Severus
Just one of many unforgettable scenes from the musical filkstravaganza The Sound of Magic.
Image Copyright 2003 by Red Scharlach
The Sound of Magic Copyright 2003 by Veresna Ussep
SCENE ONE: Twittering birds are heard in the background, as the camera slowly pans across views of the grounds of Hogwarts: The Quidditch Field, The Forbidden Forest, The Lake, Hagrid's cottage, and the inner courtyard. The music swells as the camera zooms into one of the windows of the castle, and we see Headmaster Dumbledore standing atop the landing of the main staircase. As the music continues to build, he twirls around once, and then begins to sing......
DUMBLEDORE:
Hogwarts is alive with the wands of magic
With spells they have cast for a thousand years
The halls fill my heart with the sounds of magic
My heart wants to chant every spell it hears
My heart wants to beat like the wings of the owls that soar
Through the air to the Hall
My heart wants to dance like a Quidditch broom
As it chases the ball
To soar and to dip like a golden snitch as it flies through the sky
To sing sweet and strong, like a Phoenix who's learning to fly
I go through the halls when my heart is lonely
I know I will hear spells I've heard before
My heart will be blessed with the sounds of magic
And I'll hum once more
Climb in the Car Now (Sung to the tune of Climb Every Mountain)
SCENE TWO:
Harry and Ron are standing outside of the barrier leading to
Platform 9 and ¾.
HARRY (spoken): Ron, I can't believe it. We just can't get through. How are we supposed to get to Hogwarts now?
RON: I know, we'll borrow Dad's flying car!
HARRY: Are you serious?
RON: Sure!
(music)
HARRY:
RON:
RON & HARRY (getting into the car)
Now they are soaring through the air
HARRY:
RON & HARRY
RON
HARRY:
LOOK-
OUT-
THAT-
TREE!!!!!!!!!
The car flies straight into the Whomping Willow
The Sorting Hat Song (Sung to the tune of Sixteen Going on Seventeen)
SCENE THREE: Back in the Great Hall, the Sorting Ceremony is about to take place. Professor McGonagall places the Sorting Hat on the
chair, and it begins to sing:
THE SORTING HAT:
FIRST YEARS (waiting to be Sorted):
THE SORTING HAT:
Will you be in Gryffindor, Ravenclaw
Hufflepuffs are such hard workers
That leaves only one house, Gryffindor
McGONAGALL: Ginny Weasley!
Ginny sits on the Sorting stool and the hat is placed on her
head
THE SORTING HAT (singing so only she can hear)
All you redheads end up in Gryffindor
And I know that you're pleased as well
But, I sense another voice calling you
During this song, Snape has risen from his place at the head table and has left the Great Hall. At the end of the song, he reappears
and whispers something to Dumbledore and McGonagall, they follow him to the corridor.
Our Harry (Sung to the tune of Maria)
SCENE FOUR: Snape, Dumbledore and McGonagall are walking to
confront Harry and Ron, who are sitting in Snape's office.
SNAPE:
McGONAGALL:
SNAPE:
McGONAGALL:
SNAPE:
McGONAGALL:
DUMBLEDORE:
McGONAGALL (struggling to fine something good to say)
..Not so..
...Dense....
Snape snickers while McGonagall purses her lips in frustration
DUMBLEDORE:
McGONAGALL:
DUMBLEDORE:
SNAPE:
McGONAGALL:
DUMBLEDORE:
McGONAGALL:
DUMBLEDORE:
ALL THREE:
DUMBLEDORE:
SNAPE:
McGONAGALL:
SNAPE:
McGONAGALL:
SNAPE:
McGONAGALL:
SNAPE:
McGONAGALL:
DUMBLEDORE:
ALL THREE:
SNAPE:
McGONAGALL:
ALL THREE:
The Gilderoy Things (Sung to the tune of My Favorite Things)
SCENE FIVE: In the Defense Against the Dark Arts class, Lockhart
explains his philosophy on life.
LOCKHART:
Pictures of me with my smile that's so cheery
People who buy all the lies that I've spouted
If you catch me
My Favorite Schemes (Also sung to the tune of My Favorite Things.
Think of if as a reprise, okay?)
SCENE SIX: In Potions Class, Snape discusses why he finds teaching so oddly satisfying:
SNAPE:
Potions that bubble and boil in my cauldron
Chastising students on potions that they try
I insult them
Snape bows to the enthusiastic applause from the Slytherins and
contemptuous jeers of the Gryffindors.
SNAPE: Right then, on to my next song!
Hermione waves her hand in the air.
SNAPE: What now, Miss Granger?
HERMIONE: But, sir, Professor Gilderoy has only gotten one song so
far, and this will be your third. It isn't fair!
SNAPE: Malfoy?
DRACO: Yes, sir?
SNAPE: Tell me, how many Severus Snape fan sites are there on the
Internet?
DRACO: Uh, as of this morning, eight thousand and twelve, sir.
SNAPE: Indeed. And how many Gilderoy Lockhart fan sites are
there?
DRACO: Besides the one he runs himself?
SNAPE: Yes.
DRACO: (Smirking) None, sir!
SNAPE: Any more questions, Miss Granger?
Hermione turns red and shakes her head no.
SNAPE: As I was saying........
Se-ver-us (Sung to the tune of Do-Re-Mi)
SNAPE:
SLYTHERINS:
SNAPE:
SLYTHERINS:
SNAPE:
SNAPE: (spoken) Let's spell it out for everyone, shall we? Hmmm……
(music)
DRACO:
CRABBE:
GOYLE:
HERMIONE:
RON:
HARRY:
WHOLE CLASS:
SNAPE: Again!
WHOLE CLASS:
SLYTHERINS:
GRYFFINDORS:
SNAPE:
WHOLE CLASS:
SNAPE:
Slytherins?
SLYTHERINS:
Snape leads the class out of the dungeons to cavort around the
Hogwarts grounds. They march down the grand staircase. Draco pushes Neville over the
railing
ALL:
They skip through the space between their two tables in the Grand
Hall. Ron hits Goyle in the face with a cream pie.
ALL:
They go by the Whomping Willow and Crabbe pushes Ron into its
branches
ALL:
As they dance by the lake, Hermione nudges Millicent Bulstrode
into the water.
ALL:
In the Quidditch viewing stands, Snape bends down and zaps
Hermione's robes, setting her on fire
SNAPE:
Hermione dances around trying to put the fire out
HERMIONE
Harry and Draco start bopping each other over the head with their
Quidditch brooms.
HARRY& DRACO:
SNAPE:
NEVILLE: (from the infirmary, with a bandage over his head)
GOYLE (still wiping the pie from his face)
RON (still trapped in the branches of the Whomping Willow)
MILLICENT (popping her head, still covered with seaweed, out of the
lake)
DRACO (just before being knocked down by Harry)
HERMIONE (while Hagrid throws a bucket of water on her to put out the flames)
HARRY (taking Draco's broom and breaking it in two over his knee)
ALL:
Do You Want to Duel? (Sung to the tune of The Lonely
Goatherd)
SCENE SEVEN: The first meeting of 'The Dueling Club'.
LOCKHART:
Students from all of the houses are here now
STUDENTS:
LOCKHART:
HARRY:
LOCKHART:
RON:
STUDENTS:
Snape blasts Gilderoy across the room
Gilderoy gets up shakily and retrieves his wand
SNAPE:
LOCKHART:
SNAPE:
SLYTHERINS:
STUDENTS:
RON:
ALL:
HERMIONE:
JUSTIN FINCH-FLETCHLEY
STUDENTS:
SNAPE:
SNAPE:
STUDENTS (echoing):
SNAPE:
STUDENTS:
SNAPE:
STUDENTS:
SNAPE:
I wonder if he is
STUDENTS:
SNAPE:
STUDENTS:
SNAPE:
ALL:
So Long, Farewell (Sung to the tune of, uh, 'So Long, Farewell',
duh!)
SCENE EIGHT: The Heir of Slytherin terrorizes the whole school.
STUDENTS:
MALFOY, CRABBE & GOYLE:
STUDENTS & SLYTHERIN TRIO:
After each of the victims tell their tale, they are petrified and
removed to a hospital bed. Also, with each chorus more and
more of the students start looking very suspiciously at Harry.
MRS NORRIS:
COLIN CREEVEY
JUSTIN FINCH-FLETCHLEY
NEARLY HEADLESS NICK:
PENELOPE CLEARWATER:
HERMIONE:
Music slows
RON (very sadly)
HARRY (getting an idea)
We'll try
Gestures for Ron and Lockhart to go with him
LOCKHART (aghast):
Ron and Harry pull out their wands and point them at him
RON AND HARRY (their mouths and wands set firmly)
CROWD: (mournfully)
I'm a Gryffindor (Sung to the tune of I Have Confidence)
SCENE NINE: Harry prepares to enter The Chamber of Secrets
HARRY:
It should be so exciting
I've never longed for adventure
A Chamber that holds a Secret
Headmaster, please help me out now
So, let the Heir just try and stop me
Somehow I will defeat him
And mind me, with each spell I am more certain
I'm a Gryffindor in spirit
Gryffindors never shirk now
I tell you, I am ready for the Heir now
Stops, seeing Ginny lying deadly still on the floor of the
chamber
(Oh, help!)
Steals himself to continue
I'm a Gryffindor, and Godric surely knows
Something Bad (Sung to the tune of Something Good)
SCENE TEN: Within the Chamber of Secrets, Harry meets Tom Riddle, who explains who he is
RIDDLE:
And here you are, standing there, oh so brave
Nothing comes from goodness
HARRY:
RIDDLE:
HARRY:
RIDDLE:
RIDDLE & HARRY:
RIDDLE:
HARRY:
RIDDLE:
RIDDLE & HARRY:
EPILOGUE
With everyone safely restored, the whole cast reassembles in the Great Hall. Dumbledore stands up and asks for everyone's
attention.
DUMBLEDORE:
McGONAGALL:
DUMBLEDORE:
As the teachers and students rise from their seats, Dumbledore
gestures with his hands, and the words to the final song appear in
the air above them.
JKR (Sung to the tune of Edelweiss)
ALL:
You said there'd be two more books you know
Climb in the car now
Here's how we'll go
We'll follow the train tracks
Not too high or low
Fly in the car, Ron?
Don't think we should
We could get in trouble
Oh, I'm sure we would
Oh, Harry come on
It's as easy as pie
I've seen you on your broom
I know you like to fly
We'll fly to Hogwarts
Won't that be swell?
All the gang will love us
What a tale we'll tell
Oh, Ron you were right
It is really such fun
We are soaring through clouds
We are chasing the sun
We'll fly to Hogwarts
Yes, we'll glide free
I think we are close now
Ron!-
You wait, little ones, in this vast Great Hall
And let there be no doubt now
Your fate, little ones, listen for your call
And what I'm going to spout now
To spout now!
Will you be in Gryffindor, Hufflepuff
Will it be Slytherin?
Ravenclaw's fine, a favorite of mine
If I say you're in, you're in
Maybe in Hufflepuff
Slytherin's keen, if you're kind of mean
It means you've got "the right stuff"
And kind of boring too
But if you're the shy and quiet type
They'll be adoring you
And if you're brave and strong
This house will be it, it's such a good fit
It's where you belong
Ginny Weasley, you're a Gryffindor
Where else could I place you?
Ron and Percy, and Bill and Charlie
And Fred and George were there too
'Least you're the last for now
Seven years in with that set of twins
Is quite enough, that I vow!
To be in Harry's house
If you're in luck, and show some pluck
Someday you'll be his spouse
Someone who's Slytherin-
Something evil is coming to Hogwarts
What's this touch of sin?
He had a spree and struck a tree
And Muggles saw his car
He waltzes into Hogwarts late
And thinks he's quite the star
He's used to fame and glory
Just because he has that scar
I'm getting quite fed up with all this hogwash
He thinks he's quite the hero
Well, his bravery is real
He's always courting danger
Yes, it shows he has some zeal
I'm afraid I have to say it:
Albus, I firmly feel
That Potter should be thrown right out of Hogwarts
I'd like to say a word in his defense
Yes, Minerva?
He's really...
How do you solve a problem like our Harry?
How can you catch a blodger or a snitch?
How do you find a way to deal with Harry?
A month of detention with loss of house points?
You wish!
Many a spell you know you'd like to teach him
There's many a curse he might not want to hear
But how do you make him stay?
Keep "You-Know-Who" out of the way
Sooner or later he's bound to reappear
Oh, how do you solve a problem like our Harry?
How do you make a Boggart disappear?
When I teach him I get mad
He's unruly and he's bad
And he's always up to something late at night
He goes sneaking round the grounds
Where there's trouble, he'll be found
He's a rotter! He's a devil!
He's a sprite!
He can boil a cauldron down
Turn a smile into a frown
I swear he plays around with magic like a toy
He is gifted!
He's a git!
He is fearless!
Gives me fits!
He's a nuisance!
He's our savior!
He's a boy!
How do you solve a problem like our Harry?
How can you catch a Bludger or a Snitch?
How do you find a way to deal with Harry?
A month of detention with loss of house points
You Wish!
Many a spell you know you'd like to teach him
There's many a curse he might not want to hear
But how do you make him stay
Keep "You-know-who" out of the way
Sooner or later he's bound to reappear
Oh, how do you solve a problem like our Harry?
How do you make a Boggart disappear?
Dozens of best-selling books that I've written
Love-happy looks on the ladies I've smitten
Valentines sent out by Cupids with wings
These are a few of the "Gilderoy" things
Bright-colored dress robes, I want nothing dreary
Plucking with ease on adoring heartstrings
These are a few of the "Gilderoy" things
It's so amazing so few of you doubted
That I can do all these marvelous things
You can't imagine the joy that it brings
Telling lies, well
This is what I'll do
I'll simply remember my favorite spell
I'll Obliviate you too!
Points off of Gryffindor for any reason
Slytherin winning the house cup each season
Stoppering death, bottling fame in my dreams
There are a few of my favorite schemes
Slytherin bullies who move in a squadron
Potter in agony, crying out screams
These are a few of my favorite schemes
With waspish comments that hurt until they cry
Silvery teardrops that flow down in streams
These are a few of my favorite schemes
Those inane twits
Till they're feeling sad
And when I have ground all their egos to bits
I'm happy they feel so bad
Let's start at the very beginning
You dunderheads are hopeless
When you read any fic it is ob-vi-ous
That the coolest dude is Se-ver-us
Se-ver-us
Se-ver-us
The rest of you are just jealous
I'm the best
He's the best
For I am called Se-ver-us……..
S-I'm head of Slytherin
E-there's Envy in his heart
V-there's Venom in his grin
E-he plays an Evil part
R-he's really, really Rude
U-to every one of Us
S-his Surly attitude
That's why he's called Se-ver-us!
S-he's head of Slytherin
E-there's envy in his heart
V-there's venom in his grin
E-he plays an Evil part
R-he's really, really Rude
U-to every one of Us
S-my Surly attitude!
That why he's called Se-ver-us!
When you know how words can sting
You will say most anything
When you know how words can sting
You will say most anything
S-he's head of Slytherin
E-there's Envy in his heart
V-there's Venom in his grin
E-he plays an Evil part
R-I'm really, really Rude
U-To every one of Us
S-His surly attitude
That's why I'm called Se-ver-us
S!
E!
V!
E!
R!
U!
S!
SE-VER-US!!
Here in the hall we will start our club now
Do you, do you, do you, do you want to duel?
I thought we'd stir up a little hubbub now
Do you, do you, do you want to duel?
Do you, do you, do you, do you want to duel?
Professor Snape, let me make it quite clear now
Do you, do you, do you want to duel?
Oh, oh, Gilderoy's in trouble
Oh, oh, this is his bad day
Oh, oh, Gilderoy's in trouble
Snape's gonna blast him good today
Look how politely I bow and I greet him
Do you, do you, do you, do you want to duel?
Snape looks like he plans to skin and to eat him
I wouldn't want to, wouldn't want to duel
Neither of us will be aiming to kill now
We just want to, we just want to, want to duel
Oh, what shame, that would be a thrill now
Watching Snape disintegrate that fool
Oh, oh, Gilderoy's in trouble
Oh, oh, this is his bad day
Oh, oh, Gilderoy's in trouble
Snape's gonna blast him good today
One little charm that you must learn well is
If you, if you, if you, if you want to duel
One little spell called Expelliarmus
If you, if you, if you want to duel
Professor Snape, that is quite enough now
Don't you, don't you, don't you, don't you think so too?
Maybe the kids want to strut their stuff now
You just hate to, you just hate to lose
Uh, huh, Snapey is the one guy
Uh, huh, you don't want to duel
Uh, huh, I suggest you don't try
That Gilderoy is such a fool!
Let's just start blasting spells out of our wands now
We just want to, we just want to, want to duel
Watch as the wands fall right out of our hands now
We just want to, we just want to duel
Draco Malfoy was partnered with Harry
In a little, in a little, little duel
The next thing that happened was quite scary
In their little, in their little duel
Oh, no, Snapey's helping Malfoy
Oh, oh, they're two evil gits
Oh, dear, with Snapey helping Malfoy
Our hero might be blown to bits
Snape taught Malfoy how to shoot out a snake now
In their little, in their little, little duel
That ended up being a big mistake now
In their little, in their little duel
Harry was trying to block a spell now
In their little, in their little, little duel
And to the snake he could talk quite well now
And that finished up their little duel
Oh, Oh, he's a parselmouth, oh
Oh, oh, he can talk to snakes
Oh, oh, he's a parselmouth, oh
What a difference that makes
I always suspected that he was a freak now
Even though he was more than a little dim
And seeing how well with snakes he can speak now
He just might be "The Heir to Slytherin!"
Oh, no Harry
(Oh, no Harry)
Is he the heir-ee?
(Is he the heir-ee?)
I wonder if he is
(I wonder if he is)
(I wonder if he is)
I wonder if he is
(I wonder if he is)
The heir to Slyther-slyther-slytherin
WHOA!
There's a weird sort of monster who is prowling the halls
And is writing on the walls in blood
And all around Hogwarts they are wondering if
They're gonna stop at just Mudbloods
Mudbloods, mudbloods
We wonder who's the heir now (Mudbloods)
The rest of you beware now (Mudbloods)
'Cause here's a list (Mudbloods)
For you
So long, farewell, the monster looked at me
I hung by tail, for all the school to see
So long, farewell, I took a little pic
Next thing I know, I was hard as a brick
So long, farewell, I peered through Headless Nick
It didn't help, I still got frozen quick
So long farewell, oh, can you quite believe it?
Although I'm dead, even I could not perceive it?
So long, farewell, I thought we were so clever
I hope we won't be frozen here forever
So long farewell, can it get any stranger?
The mirror we brought could not remove the danger
My sister's gone, I think that she will pay now
The Chamber's here, I think I know the way now
"WE'LL" try?
We'll try!
Goodbye!
What will this beast be like?
I wonder
How will I face him down?
I wonder
To be always the hero, the key
I wish I could feel really brave now
Oh, what's the matter with me?
Just wanted love, a Mum and Dad
Why must I be in every adventure?
And, why am I so sad?
What's so fearsome about that?
Oh, I must keep my wits quite about me
If I don't, this could really turn bad
I must think of the girl I am saving
It's for Ginny; I'll never turn back
And I hope that you'll be proud now
Show you I'm worthy
And while I show you
I"ll show me
I will beat him at his game
I'm a Gryffindor, it's more than just a name
I know I can win, I am Gryffindor within!
I will be brave and fine
And I'll get Ginny (Yes, I will Ron)
We will escape from here
Dumbledore will help me out
I am Gryffindor, and let there be no doubt
You'll have to agree, there is Gryffindor in me
I'm a Gryffindor in soul
I'm a Gryffindor, success will be my goal
And so you see, I am Gryffindor indeed
Gryffindors never stop
Gryffindors always go to work now
When there's a task-We hop!
I am ready for that beast
I'm a Gryffindor and Godric surely knows
And you will see, there is Gryffindor in me!
You see I had a wretched childhood
In fact I had a horrible youth
But something in my wretched, horrible past
Prepared me for my moment of truth
Just like I knew you would
You'd never turn down such a chance now
You always do something good
Goodness knows, that's sad
And one day in my youth or childhood
I knew I could be something bad
I also had a wretched childhood
An orphan, all alone, like you
But somehow I managed to stay good
And why do you think that's true?
And why are you standing there, hating me?
As if you know me, too
Oh, Harry, I think you would know now
Someday I will be "You-Know-Who!"
We are always meeting
And it's oh, so sad
Harry, I think that you-
Will die now?
It's time to do something……
Something bad
Now, before we leave, I just have a few end-of-term notices: First, if you've enjoyed this little musical interlude, please be sure to leave a nice review. Or a flame, if you're so inclined. Second, if you have any suggestions for a musical for the author to use as the basis for a parody of Prisoner of Azkaban, please let her know. Third, I think it's time for another song!
Oh, Albus, you're not going to sing again are you?
Oh, we all are, Minerva, we must. For we haven't yet
given the proper credit to the real creator of all of this. Will
everyone please stand up?
JKR, JKR
For your next book we're waiting
Hear us roar, we want more
We are anticipating
Must be wait forever?
JKR, your Potter
Is the best series ever!
Harry Potter the
Musical(s)