The Sound of Magic

A Chamber of Secrets parody by Veresna Ussep set to the Rodgers & Hammerstein musical The Sound of Music.

The hills are alive... with "Sister" Severus

Just one of many unforgettable scenes from the musical filkstravaganza The Sound of Magic.

Image Copyright 2003 by Red Scharlach

The Sound of Magic
Climb in the Car Now
The Sorting Hat Song
Our Harry
The Gilderoy Things
My Favorite Schemes
Se-ver-us
Do You Want to Duel?
So Long, Farewell
I'm a Gryffindor
Something Bad
JKR

The Sound of Magic Copyright 2003 by Veresna Ussep


The Sound of Magic (Sung to the tune of The Sound of Music)

SCENE ONE: Twittering birds are heard in the background, as the camera slowly pans across views of the grounds of Hogwarts: The Quidditch Field, The Forbidden Forest, The Lake, Hagrid's cottage, and the inner courtyard. The music swells as the camera zooms into one of the windows of the castle, and we see Headmaster Dumbledore standing atop the landing of the main staircase. As the music continues to build, he twirls around once, and then begins to sing......

DUMBLEDORE:
Hogwarts is alive with the wands of magic
With spells they have cast for a thousand years
The halls fill my heart with the sounds of magic
My heart wants to chant every spell it hears

My heart wants to beat like the wings of the owls that soar
Through the air to the Hall
My heart wants to dance like a Quidditch broom
As it chases the ball

To soar and to dip like a golden snitch as it flies through the sky
To sing sweet and strong, like a Phoenix who's learning to fly

I go through the halls when my heart is lonely
I know I will hear spells I've heard before
My heart will be blessed with the sounds of magic
And I'll hum once more

Climb in the Car Now (Sung to the tune of Climb Every Mountain)

SCENE TWO: Harry and Ron are standing outside of the barrier leading to Platform 9 and ¾.

HARRY (spoken): Ron, I can't believe it. We just can't get through. How are we supposed to get to Hogwarts now?

RON: I know, we'll borrow Dad's flying car!

HARRY: Are you serious?

RON: Sure!

(music)
Climb in the car now
Here's how we'll go
We'll follow the train tracks
Not too high or low

HARRY:
Fly in the car, Ron?
Don't think we should
We could get in trouble
Oh, I'm sure we would

RON:
Oh, Harry come on
It's as easy as pie
I've seen you on your broom
I know you like to fly

RON & HARRY (getting into the car)
We'll fly to Hogwarts
Won't that be swell?
All the gang will love us
What a tale we'll tell

Now they are soaring through the air

HARRY:
Oh, Ron you were right
It is really such fun
We are soaring through clouds
We are chasing the sun

RON & HARRY
We'll fly to Hogwarts
Yes, we'll glide free

RON
I think we are close now

HARRY:
Ron!-

LOOK-

OUT-

THAT-

TREE!!!!!!!!!

The car flies straight into the Whomping Willow

The Sorting Hat Song (Sung to the tune of Sixteen Going on Seventeen)

SCENE THREE: Back in the Great Hall, the Sorting Ceremony is about to take place. Professor McGonagall places the Sorting Hat on the chair, and it begins to sing:

THE SORTING HAT:
You wait, little ones, in this vast Great Hall
And let there be no doubt now
Your fate, little ones, listen for your call
And what I'm going to spout now

FIRST YEARS (waiting to be Sorted):
To spout now!

THE SORTING HAT:
Will you be in Gryffindor, Hufflepuff
Will it be Slytherin?
Ravenclaw's fine, a favorite of mine
If I say you're in, you're in

Will you be in Gryffindor, Ravenclaw
Maybe in Hufflepuff
Slytherin's keen, if you're kind of mean
It means you've got "the right stuff"

Hufflepuffs are such hard workers
And kind of boring too
But if you're the shy and quiet type
They'll be adoring you

That leaves only one house, Gryffindor
And if you're brave and strong
This house will be it, it's such a good fit
It's where you belong

McGONAGALL: Ginny Weasley!

Ginny sits on the Sorting stool and the hat is placed on her head

THE SORTING HAT (singing so only she can hear)
Ginny Weasley, you're a Gryffindor
Where else could I place you?
Ron and Percy, and Bill and Charlie And Fred and George were there too

All you redheads end up in Gryffindor
'Least you're the last for now
Seven years in with that set of twins
Is quite enough, that I vow!

And I know that you're pleased as well
To be in Harry's house
If you're in luck, and show some pluck
Someday you'll be his spouse

But, I sense another voice calling you
Someone who's Slytherin-
Something evil is coming to Hogwarts
What's this touch of sin?

During this song, Snape has risen from his place at the head table and has left the Great Hall. At the end of the song, he reappears and whispers something to Dumbledore and McGonagall, they follow him to the corridor.

Our Harry (Sung to the tune of Maria)

SCENE FOUR: Snape, Dumbledore and McGonagall are walking to confront Harry and Ron, who are sitting in Snape's office.

SNAPE:
He had a spree and struck a tree
And Muggles saw his car
He waltzes into Hogwarts late
And thinks he's quite the star
He's used to fame and glory
Just because he has that scar
I'm getting quite fed up with all this hogwash
He thinks he's quite the hero

McGONAGALL:
Well, his bravery is real

SNAPE:
He's always courting danger

McGONAGALL:
Yes, it shows he has some zeal

SNAPE:
I'm afraid I have to say it:
Albus, I firmly feel
That Potter should be thrown right out of Hogwarts

McGONAGALL:
I'd like to say a word in his defense

DUMBLEDORE:
Yes, Minerva?

McGONAGALL (struggling to fine something good to say)
He's really...

..Not so..

...Dense....

Snape snickers while McGonagall purses her lips in frustration

DUMBLEDORE:
How do you solve a problem like our Harry?

McGONAGALL:
How can you catch a blodger or a snitch?

DUMBLEDORE:
How do you find a way to deal with Harry?

SNAPE:
A month of detention with loss of house points?

McGONAGALL:
You wish!

DUMBLEDORE:
Many a spell you know you'd like to teach him
There's many a curse he might not want to hear

McGONAGALL:
But how do you make him stay?
Keep "You-Know-Who" out of the way

DUMBLEDORE:
Sooner or later he's bound to reappear

ALL THREE:
Oh, how do you solve a problem like our Harry?

DUMBLEDORE:
How do you make a Boggart disappear?

SNAPE:
When I teach him I get mad
He's unruly and he's bad
And he's always up to something late at night
He goes sneaking round the grounds
Where there's trouble, he'll be found
He's a rotter! He's a devil!

McGONAGALL:
He's a sprite!

SNAPE:
He can boil a cauldron down
Turn a smile into a frown
I swear he plays around with magic like a toy

McGONAGALL:
He is gifted!

SNAPE:
He's a git!

McGONAGALL:
He is fearless!

SNAPE:
Gives me fits!
He's a nuisance!

McGONAGALL:
He's our savior!

DUMBLEDORE:
He's a boy!

ALL THREE:
How do you solve a problem like our Harry?
How can you catch a Bludger or a Snitch?
How do you find a way to deal with Harry?

SNAPE:
A month of detention with loss of house points

McGONAGALL:
You Wish!

ALL THREE:
Many a spell you know you'd like to teach him
There's many a curse he might not want to hear
But how do you make him stay
Keep "You-know-who" out of the way
Sooner or later he's bound to reappear
Oh, how do you solve a problem like our Harry?
How do you make a Boggart disappear?

The Gilderoy Things (Sung to the tune of My Favorite Things)

SCENE FIVE: In the Defense Against the Dark Arts class, Lockhart explains his philosophy on life.

LOCKHART:
Dozens of best-selling books that I've written
Love-happy looks on the ladies I've smitten
Valentines sent out by Cupids with wings
These are a few of the "Gilderoy" things

Pictures of me with my smile that's so cheery
Bright-colored dress robes, I want nothing dreary
Plucking with ease on adoring heartstrings
These are a few of the "Gilderoy" things

People who buy all the lies that I've spouted
It's so amazing so few of you doubted
That I can do all these marvelous things
You can't imagine the joy that it brings

If you catch me
Telling lies, well
This is what I'll do
I'll simply remember my favorite spell
I'll Obliviate you too!

My Favorite Schemes (Also sung to the tune of My Favorite Things. Think of if as a reprise, okay?)

SCENE SIX: In Potions Class, Snape discusses why he finds teaching so oddly satisfying:

SNAPE:
Points off of Gryffindor for any reason
Slytherin winning the house cup each season
Stoppering death, bottling fame in my dreams
There are a few of my favorite schemes

Potions that bubble and boil in my cauldron
Slytherin bullies who move in a squadron
Potter in agony, crying out screams
These are a few of my favorite schemes

Chastising students on potions that they try
With waspish comments that hurt until they cry
Silvery teardrops that flow down in streams
These are a few of my favorite schemes

I insult them
Those inane twits
Till they're feeling sad
And when I have ground all their egos to bits
I'm happy they feel so bad

Snape bows to the enthusiastic applause from the Slytherins and contemptuous jeers of the Gryffindors.

SNAPE: Right then, on to my next song!

Hermione waves her hand in the air.

SNAPE: What now, Miss Granger?

HERMIONE: But, sir, Professor Gilderoy has only gotten one song so far, and this will be your third. It isn't fair!

SNAPE: Malfoy?

DRACO: Yes, sir?

SNAPE: Tell me, how many Severus Snape fan sites are there on the Internet?

DRACO: Uh, as of this morning, eight thousand and twelve, sir.

SNAPE: Indeed. And how many Gilderoy Lockhart fan sites are there?

DRACO: Besides the one he runs himself?

SNAPE: Yes.

DRACO: (Smirking) None, sir!

SNAPE: Any more questions, Miss Granger?

Hermione turns red and shakes her head no.

SNAPE: As I was saying........

Se-ver-us (Sung to the tune of Do-Re-Mi)

SNAPE:
Let's start at the very beginning
You dunderheads are hopeless
When you read any fic it is ob-vi-ous
That the coolest dude is Se-ver-us

SLYTHERINS:
Se-ver-us

SNAPE:
Se-ver-us
The rest of you are just jealous
I'm the best

SLYTHERINS:
He's the best

SNAPE:
For I am called Se-ver-us……..

SNAPE: (spoken) Let's spell it out for everyone, shall we? Hmmm……

(music)
S-I'm head of Slytherin

DRACO:
E-there's Envy in his heart

CRABBE:
V-there's Venom in his grin

GOYLE:
E-he plays an Evil part

HERMIONE:
R-he's really, really Rude

RON:
U-to every one of Us

HARRY:
S-his Surly attitude

WHOLE CLASS:
That's why he's called Se-ver-us!

SNAPE: Again!

WHOLE CLASS:
S-he's head of Slytherin
E-there's envy in his heart
V-there's venom in his grin
E-he plays an Evil part

SLYTHERINS:
R-he's really, really Rude

GRYFFINDORS:
U-to every one of Us

SNAPE:
S-my Surly attitude!

WHOLE CLASS:
That why he's called Se-ver-us!

SNAPE:
When you know how words can sting
You will say most anything

Slytherins?

SLYTHERINS:
When you know how words can sting
You will say most anything

Snape leads the class out of the dungeons to cavort around the Hogwarts grounds. They march down the grand staircase. Draco pushes Neville over the railing

ALL:
S-he's head of Slytherin

They skip through the space between their two tables in the Grand Hall. Ron hits Goyle in the face with a cream pie.

ALL:
E-there's Envy in his heart

They go by the Whomping Willow and Crabbe pushes Ron into its branches

ALL:
V-there's Venom in his grin

As they dance by the lake, Hermione nudges Millicent Bulstrode into the water.

ALL:
E-he plays an Evil part

In the Quidditch viewing stands, Snape bends down and zaps Hermione's robes, setting her on fire

SNAPE:
R-I'm really, really Rude

Hermione dances around trying to put the fire out

HERMIONE
U-To every one of Us

Harry and Draco start bopping each other over the head with their Quidditch brooms.

HARRY& DRACO:
S-His surly attitude

SNAPE:
That's why I'm called Se-ver-us

NEVILLE: (from the infirmary, with a bandage over his head)
S!

GOYLE (still wiping the pie from his face)
E!

RON (still trapped in the branches of the Whomping Willow)
V!

MILLICENT (popping her head, still covered with seaweed, out of the lake)
E!

DRACO (just before being knocked down by Harry)
R!

HERMIONE (while Hagrid throws a bucket of water on her to put out the flames)
U!

HARRY (taking Draco's broom and breaking it in two over his knee)
S!

ALL:
SE-VER-US!!

Do You Want to Duel? (Sung to the tune of The Lonely Goatherd)

SCENE SEVEN: The first meeting of 'The Dueling Club'.

LOCKHART:
Here in the hall we will start our club now
Do you, do you, do you, do you want to duel?
I thought we'd stir up a little hubbub now
Do you, do you, do you want to duel?

Students from all of the houses are here now
Do you, do you, do you, do you want to duel?
Professor Snape, let me make it quite clear now
Do you, do you, do you want to duel?

STUDENTS:
Oh, oh, Gilderoy's in trouble
Oh, oh, this is his bad day
Oh, oh, Gilderoy's in trouble
Snape's gonna blast him good today

LOCKHART:
Look how politely I bow and I greet him
Do you, do you, do you, do you want to duel?

HARRY:
Snape looks like he plans to skin and to eat him
I wouldn't want to, wouldn't want to duel

LOCKHART:
Neither of us will be aiming to kill now
We just want to, we just want to, want to duel

RON:
Oh, what shame, that would be a thrill now
Watching Snape disintegrate that fool

STUDENTS:
Oh, oh, Gilderoy's in trouble
Oh, oh, this is his bad day
Oh, oh, Gilderoy's in trouble
Snape's gonna blast him good today

Snape blasts Gilderoy across the room Gilderoy gets up shakily and retrieves his wand

SNAPE:
One little charm that you must learn well is
If you, if you, if you, if you want to duel
One little spell called Expelliarmus
If you, if you, if you want to duel

LOCKHART:
Professor Snape, that is quite enough now
Don't you, don't you, don't you, don't you think so too?
Maybe the kids want to strut their stuff now

SNAPE:
You just hate to, you just hate to lose

SLYTHERINS:
Uh, huh, Snapey is the one guy
Uh, huh, you don't want to duel
Uh, huh, I suggest you don't try
That Gilderoy is such a fool!

STUDENTS:
Let's just start blasting spells out of our wands now
We just want to, we just want to, want to duel
Watch as the wands fall right out of our hands now
We just want to, we just want to duel

RON:
Draco Malfoy was partnered with Harry
In a little, in a little, little duel
The next thing that happened was quite scary
In their little, in their little duel

ALL:
Oh, no, Snapey's helping Malfoy
Oh, oh, they're two evil gits
Oh, dear, with Snapey helping Malfoy
Our hero might be blown to bits

HERMIONE:
Snape taught Malfoy how to shoot out a snake now
In their little, in their little, little duel
That ended up being a big mistake now
In their little, in their little duel

JUSTIN FINCH-FLETCHLEY
Harry was trying to block a spell now
In their little, in their little, little duel
And to the snake he could talk quite well now
And that finished up their little duel

STUDENTS:
Oh, Oh, he's a parselmouth, oh
Oh, oh, he can talk to snakes
Oh, oh, he's a parselmouth, oh
What a difference that makes

SNAPE:
I always suspected that he was a freak now
Even though he was more than a little dim
And seeing how well with snakes he can speak now
He just might be "The Heir to Slytherin!"

SNAPE:
Oh, no Harry

STUDENTS (echoing):
(Oh, no Harry)

SNAPE:
Is he the heir-ee?

STUDENTS:
(Is he the heir-ee?)

SNAPE:
I wonder if he is

STUDENTS:
(I wonder if he is)

SNAPE: I wonder if he is

STUDENTS:
(I wonder if he is)

SNAPE:
I wonder if he is

STUDENTS:
(I wonder if he is)

SNAPE:
The heir to Slyther-slyther-slytherin

ALL:
WHOA!

So Long, Farewell (Sung to the tune of, uh, 'So Long, Farewell', duh!)

SCENE EIGHT: The Heir of Slytherin terrorizes the whole school.

STUDENTS:
There's a weird sort of monster who is prowling the halls
And is writing on the walls in blood
And all around Hogwarts they are wondering if
They're gonna stop at just Mudbloods

MALFOY, CRABBE & GOYLE:
Mudbloods, mudbloods

STUDENTS & SLYTHERIN TRIO:
We wonder who's the heir now (Mudbloods)
The rest of you beware now (Mudbloods)
'Cause here's a list (Mudbloods)
For you

After each of the victims tell their tale, they are petrified and removed to a hospital bed. Also, with each chorus more and more of the students start looking very suspiciously at Harry.

MRS NORRIS:
So long, farewell, the monster looked at me
I hung by tail, for all the school to see

COLIN CREEVEY
So long, farewell, I took a little pic
Next thing I know, I was hard as a brick

JUSTIN FINCH-FLETCHLEY
So long, farewell, I peered through Headless Nick
It didn't help, I still got frozen quick

NEARLY HEADLESS NICK:
So long farewell, oh, can you quite believe it?
Although I'm dead, even I could not perceive it?

PENELOPE CLEARWATER:
So long, farewell, I thought we were so clever
I hope we won't be frozen here forever

HERMIONE:
So long farewell, can it get any stranger?
The mirror we brought could not remove the danger

Music slows

RON (very sadly)
My sister's gone, I think that she will pay now

HARRY (getting an idea)
The Chamber's here, I think I know the way now

We'll try

Gestures for Ron and Lockhart to go with him

LOCKHART (aghast):
"WE'LL" try?

Ron and Harry pull out their wands and point them at him

RON AND HARRY (their mouths and wands set firmly)
We'll try!

CROWD: (mournfully)
Goodbye!

I'm a Gryffindor (Sung to the tune of I Have Confidence)

SCENE NINE: Harry prepares to enter The Chamber of Secrets

HARRY:
What will this beast be like?
I wonder
How will I face him down?
I wonder

It should be so exciting
To be always the hero, the key
I wish I could feel really brave now
Oh, what's the matter with me?

I've never longed for adventure
Just wanted love, a Mum and Dad
Why must I be in every adventure?
And, why am I so sad?

A Chamber that holds a Secret
What's so fearsome about that?
Oh, I must keep my wits quite about me
If I don't, this could really turn bad
I must think of the girl I am saving
It's for Ginny; I'll never turn back

Headmaster, please help me out now
And I hope that you'll be proud now
Show you I'm worthy
And while I show you
I"ll show me

So, let the Heir just try and stop me
I will beat him at his game
I'm a Gryffindor, it's more than just a name
I know I can win, I am Gryffindor within!

Somehow I will defeat him
I will be brave and fine
And I'll get Ginny (Yes, I will Ron)
We will escape from here

And mind me, with each spell I am more certain
Dumbledore will help me out
I am Gryffindor, and let there be no doubt
You'll have to agree, there is Gryffindor in me

I'm a Gryffindor in spirit
I'm a Gryffindor in soul
I'm a Gryffindor, success will be my goal
And so you see, I am Gryffindor indeed

Gryffindors never shirk now
Gryffindors never stop
Gryffindors always go to work now
When there's a task-We hop!

I tell you, I am ready for the Heir now
I am ready for that beast
I'm a Gryffindor and Godric surely knows

Stops, seeing Ginny lying deadly still on the floor of the chamber

(Oh, help!)

Steals himself to continue

I'm a Gryffindor, and Godric surely knows
And you will see, there is Gryffindor in me!

Something Bad (Sung to the tune of Something Good)

SCENE TEN: Within the Chamber of Secrets, Harry meets Tom Riddle, who explains who he is

RIDDLE:
You see I had a wretched childhood
In fact I had a horrible youth
But something in my wretched, horrible past
Prepared me for my moment of truth

And here you are, standing there, oh so brave
Just like I knew you would
You'd never turn down such a chance now
You always do something good

Nothing comes from goodness
Goodness knows, that's sad
And one day in my youth or childhood
I knew I could be something bad

HARRY:
I also had a wretched childhood
An orphan, all alone, like you
But somehow I managed to stay good

RIDDLE:
And why do you think that's true?

HARRY:
And why are you standing there, hating me?
As if you know me, too

RIDDLE:
Oh, Harry, I think you would know now
Someday I will be "You-Know-Who!"

RIDDLE & HARRY:
We are always meeting
And it's oh, so sad

RIDDLE:
Harry, I think that you-

HARRY:
Will die now?

RIDDLE:
It's time to do something……

RIDDLE & HARRY:
Something bad

EPILOGUE

With everyone safely restored, the whole cast reassembles in the Great Hall. Dumbledore stands up and asks for everyone's attention.

DUMBLEDORE:
Now, before we leave, I just have a few end-of-term notices: First, if you've enjoyed this little musical interlude, please be sure to leave a nice review. Or a flame, if you're so inclined. Second, if you have any suggestions for a musical for the author to use as the basis for a parody of Prisoner of Azkaban, please let
her know. Third, I think it's time for another song!

McGONAGALL:
Oh, Albus, you're not going to sing again are you?

DUMBLEDORE:
Oh, we all are, Minerva, we must. For we haven't yet given the proper credit to the real creator of all of this. Will everyone please stand up?

As the teachers and students rise from their seats, Dumbledore gestures with his hands, and the words to the final song appear in the air above them.

JKR (Sung to the tune of Edelweiss)

ALL:
JKR, JKR
For your next book we're waiting
Hear us roar, we want more
We are anticipating

You said there'd be two more books you know
Must be wait forever?
JKR, your Potter
Is the best series ever!


Harry Potter the Musical(s)

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