The Prince Loser

A Half-Blood Prince musical by Salazar based on Mel Brooks' The Producers

Nothing is Right
The Boss of Wizards
He Can Do It
Don't Wanna Be a Professor
Back Home at Beauxbatons
The Voldemort Prance Dance
Keep Blood Pure
When You Got It, Use It
Along Came Tom Riddle
Her Face
Where'd You Ever Hear of That Dark Spell?
Horcrux in Sight
You've Gotta Do Whatever I Decide
Springtime for Sev'rus
There's No Hope in Sight
That Hack
He's Brave
Dumbledore's Dead (Not Going Back)
Goodbye

Copyright 2005 by Salazar


Nothing is Right

To the tune of Opening Night

The scene: The Muggle PRIME MINISTER is sitting in his office, contemplating the situation gloomily.

MINISTER
Nothing is right
No, nothing is right
Well, as Prime Minister, I should know
If a bridge's railings blow
Or if a hurricane's brewing soon
And in the middle of June…
This job is sucking, I can't believe
I have such reason to grieve!

The PORTRAIT coughs

MINISTER
The portrait again!
The portrait again!
On top of all this, the portrait again!
And as a rule, sure,
Nothing is crueler…
Than wizard rulers
Calling on me right now!

I need consoling
My bell is tolling

PORTRAIT
And I'm cajoling
Fudge is calling right now!

MINISTER
I'm expecting a call from the prez

PORTRAIT
He'll forget! Now do as Fudge says!
Fudge, the Minister, is calling again!

MINISTER
If it's so urgent..

PORTRAIT
Take him at his word!

MINISTER
I will entertain
That barmy old wizard!

PORTRAIT
Buddy, he's sure spent
And it is urgent

FUDGE spins into the scene

FUDGE
We have both been burned!
You should have discerned
The reason is Lord Voldemort's returned!

The Boss of Wizards

To the tune of The King of Broadway

FUDGE puts down his bowler hat and begins to explain the situation

FUDGE
I used to be the boss
The boss of all wizards
'Twas never at a loss
For my so clever words.

To Dumbledore I'd give a slap
And tell him to shut up his trap
The government was in my lap
I never was a sap who was absurd!

MINISTER
Just please tell me, what's the matter?
I believe you, you've been clear.
When you show up, my teeth chatter
Either way, I fear you're here.

FUDGE
I used to be the boss…(The boss!)
The boss of wizard kind (It's good to be the boss!)
When people made me cross
I'd kick their dumb behind.
Dissenting views I would suppress
At Hogwarts I would plant duress
When I was pissed, the Headmistress
Told Potter to confess or be consigned.

MINISTER
Just please tell me, what's the matter?
I believe you, you've been clear.
When you show up, my teeth chatter
Either way, I fear you're here.

FUDGE
There was a time
When I was on the top
You bet…
There was a time
When I was strong
There was a time
When every bit of slop
I said
Was never wrong.

MINISTER
There was a time
I thought you were a hoax
And now that's not the case
Ahh!

FUDGE
Now, since You-Know-Who came back
I've fallen on my face.

MINISTER
Poor Cornelius, what can I do?

FUDGE
I fell flat…

MINISTER
Poor Cornelius, what a mess

FUDGE
On my face…

MINISTER
Poor Cornelius, what a guy too.

MINISTER
Flat on my face...

MINISTER
Poor Cornelius, under stress!

FUDGE (spoken)
Such a mess! How dare they gloss over me in this manner? How quickly they forget, I am Cornelius Fudge! The first minister to also be judge over trials!

MINISTER
Once he was the boss…

FUDGE (spoken)
You've heard of rabbits out of a hat? You're looking at the man who banned exports of hats which could hide rabbits in them because they carried controlled substances!

MINISTER
Boss of all wizards…

FUDGE (spoken)
I've spent my entire life in government. I was a lackey of the great Albus Dumbledore!

MINISTER
Oooh…

FUDGE (spoken)
Yes, he taught me everything I should do. I'll never forget, he turned to me a few weeks ago and said "Cornelius, you're cooked and you've screwed everything up big time!"

MINISTER (spoken)
Isn't that bad?

FUDGE
Yes. I don't like criticism. Strangely enough, though, everyone seemed to think I deserved it. But in my heart, I knew he was really saying - "Cornelius, when you're down and out and everybody thinks you're finished, that's the time they're gonna fire you and appoint Rufus Bloody Scrimgeour!"

MINISTER
Oh.

FUDGE (sung)
I used to be the boss
The boss of all wizards
But now they think as boss
I'm really for the birds..

MINISTER
Used to be boss
Boss of wizard kind
He really shined, mind!

FUDGE
They don't know what's in store, it's true
I promise Scrim-gee-or is through
Don't like him, I implore of you
This really is a chore, it's true
He'll be kicked out the door, it's true
He's not done this before, it's true
He's got trouble galore, it's true
The new guy is a bore, it's true
And much worse is in store, it's true
It's me they should adore, it's true
There's trouble on this shore, it's true
The wizard world's at war, it's true
Cornelius Fudge is not a snob!
Cornelius Fudge won't shut his gob!
Cornelius Fudge will get the job again!

MINISTER
It's you they should adore again
There's trouble on this shore again
The wizard world's at war again?!

FUDGE
I'll hold my job again!

MINISTER
He'll hold his job again, hey!

He Can Do It

To the tune of We Can Do It

The scene has changed to Spinner's End, where BELLATRIX has just stopped NARCISSA from running up the snow embankment.

BELLATRIX (spoken)
Can't you see, Cissy? Dear Cissy, lovely Cissy, it's so simple. Step One: Draco finds the weaknesses of his target. Step Two: He exploits the weaknesses of the Order. Step Three: The Dark Lord comes back on top!

NARCISSA (spoken)
No!

BELLATRIX
Yes! It's all that simple, and there's a lot of cautious Death Eaters out there. Step Four: The Dark Lord kills his worst enemy. And before we can stay Step Five, he takes over the wizarding world!

NARCISSA
Can't you see, Bella?
It'll never work!

BELLATRIX
Oh ye of little faith.
(sung) What did Voldie say of Crouch
When he served his darkest Lord?
What did Morgana say of Mordred
When he ran his dad through with his sword?
What did our dear Lord say of your son?
He said, "Draco, chum, we'll soar!
Just go kill Dumbledore!"

NARCISSA (spoken)
What do you mean?

BELLATRIX (sung)
He can do it, he can do it
He can do it, yes, your son
He can do it, he can do it
He can make sure that we've won!

Everything the Dark Lord wanted
Is within his evil sight
Powerful spells wreaking nothing but hell
Depressing folks, oppressing folks
And spreading our might!

He can do it, he can do it
This is work he can't escape
He can do it, if not screw it,
You can't tell the plan to Snape!
It is silly, truly silly
Draco's really in good shape!
He can do it, he can do it
If he doesn't, I will gape!
(spoken) Whatta ya say, Cissy?

NARCISSA (sung)
What do I say?
Finally a chance to get some
Real honor for Draco!
What do I say?
Finally a chance to undo our
Mistakes, whoa!
What do I say, what do I say,
This is for Draco's sake, NO!

He can't do it, he can't do it
The plan makes me feel like dung!
He's a child, he's my baby
He's too naïve, he's too young!

When it comes to casting curses
He just doesn't feel the need
Powerful spells wreaking nothing but hell
Blasting them and casting them,
He couldn't succeed!

BELLATRIX (spoken)
Why, you miserable, cowardly, miserable little bitch! Don't you ever want to see your family redeemed?! Don't you understand that I'd sacrifice my children willingly, which thank God, I have none?!

(sung) He can do it, he can do it
He can kill that frail old fool!

NARCISSA
Bellatrix, I beg you
Please cut the crap
Just shut your trap
I'm not a sap
But I won't clap
If Draco should get killed!

BELLATRIX
He can do it, he can do it
Kill the head of Hogwarts school!

NARCISSA
Bellatrix, I beg you
Please grow a heart
Playing this part,
He won't know where to start!
The Dark Lord's will
Won't be fulfilled!

BELLATRIX
Come on, Cissy
Don't be pissy.

NARCISSA
He…can't…do…it!
You see hist'ry, I see death!

BELLATRIX
He can do it!

NARCISSA
He can't do it!

BELLATRIX
He can do it!

NARCISSA
He cannot, cannot, cannot, cannot do it
So you shouldn't waste your
Breath!

BELLATRIX
He can do it!
I know--

NARCISSA (sprints away)
Don't waste your breath!

Don't Wanna Be a Professor

To the tune of I Wanna Be a Producer

HARRY and DUMBLEDORE have just showed up at SLUGHORN's house. SLUGHORN is sitting in the chair, having just been discovered.

SLUGHORN
Unhappy…unhappy…very unhappy.
Unhappy…unhappy…
Very very very very very
Very very unhappy…
Oh, the motions are so boring
Teaching Potions isn't worth it
I really have to decline…
I really have to decline…
I spent my life as teacher
Of wizarding kids
So crappy…
I like comforts of a creature
I quit, yes, I did!
Unhappy.
I don't want to be a martyr
It's not there in my mind
I'm too old, for a starter
To protect wizard kind.

Don't wanna be a Professor
Up at Hogwarts once again
Don't wanna be a Professor
So you've got your answer, then.
Don't wanna be a Professor
Giving grades and setting tests
Don't wanna be a Professor
'Cause I know it ain't for the best!

Don't wanna be a Professor
And work for a measly check
Don't wanna be a Professor
'Cause it could get quite close to heck!
Don't wanna be a Professor
Of the first through seventh years
Don't wanna be a Professor
With OTP members as my peers!

Don't wanna be a Professor
In the midst of this damn war!
Don't wanna be a Professor
Like I once was long before
Don't wanna be a Professor
Taking points off of a house
One
Two
Three
Four
Five
Six.
Don't wanna be a Professor
'Cause I ain't some foolhardy louse!
Don't wanna be….

HARRY
You oughtta be…

SLUGHORN
Don't wanna be…

HARRY
You oughtta be…

SLUGHORN
Don't wanna be a bloody stupid
Bloody minded damn Professor, not
At all!

HARRY and DUMBLEDORE
You oughtta be a Professor
You oughtta dine
With McGonagall and Snape

SLUGHORN
I just cannot be a Professor
I'm far too out of shape!

HARRY
You are not out of shape!

SLUGHORN
Don't wanna be a Professor
Because dead's what I'd become
I'm gonna stay right here
So stop being bloody silly
I won't teach the son of Lily!

HARRY
You oughtta be a Professor
And be brave just like my mum!

SLUGHORN
Unhappy…unhappy…
So unhappy…
Very very very very very
Very very…Fine!
I'm gonna be a Professor!

(spoken) Hold everything! What am I doing here? You guys are right! I ought to be brave, just like Lily Potter! Stop right there, I'm taking the job!

DUMBLEDORE (spoken)
So we'll see you at Hogwarts in a bit?

SLUGHORN
I daresay you will! I'll want a pay raise!
(sung) I'm gonna be a Professor
Forget You-Know-Who's attacks
I'm gonna be a Professor
Look out Hogwarts, Slughorn's back!

DUMBLEDORE (smiling, sung)
Looks like Slughorn's back!

Back Home at Beauxbatons

To the tune of In Old Bavaria

The scene: The Burrow. FLEUR reminisces about her home in France at the Burrow.

FLEUR
Oh, how I miss ze food et halls
Et walls
Et stalls
Back home at Beauxbatons

Oh, but with Bill, I will
Stay til
He's killed
But still…
I miss old Beauxbatons

Oh, it thrills my heart with joy of it to think

WEASLEYS (behind her back)
Go home…

FLEUR
Giving all zose Beauxbatons boys flirty winks…

WEASLEYS
Go home…

FLEUR
And I know that Bill's "dear" family thinks I stink…
Unlike - my dear old home - at Beauxbatons…

WEASLEYS
Phlegm phlegm phlegm phlegm phlegm phlegm phlegm Phlegm phlegm

The Voldemort Prance Dance

To the tune of Der Guten Tag Hop Clop

DRACO and BORGIN are in the shop, now safely out of the hearing of RON, HERMIONE and HARRY.

DRACO (spoken)
Borgin, you must prove your devotion to the Dark Lord…otherwise, he'll be very unhappy.

BORGIN (spoken)
Prove it? How?! I…I don't….

DRACO
You must prove it by dancing his favorite tune: The Voldemort Prance Dance.

There is a highly pregnant pause in which BORGIN seems to be absorbing this

BORGIN
Oookay…

DRACO
One…two…curse!
(sung) Voldemort prance prance
Voldemort dance dance
Cast Morsmordre, one two three!

Voldemort tap tap
Voldemort snap snap
Cast Morsmordre now with me!

Oh, rehearsing our cursing
Of those with blood crappy
Cursing the crappy makes Death Eaters happy!

BOTH
Voldemort prance prance
Voldemort dance dance

They dance, BORGIN at DRACO's wandpoint.

DRACO
Voldemort,
My evil Lord
We will cause horrors
And we'll fight your wars
And we'll curse Aurors
Til you're bored!

(spoken) Wonderful! Borgin, I like your dancing!

BORGIN (stiffly)
Thank you.

DRACO
I will continue to shop here, but only if you will take an oath of allegiance to the Dark Lord. I solemnly swear…

BORGIN
I solemnly swear…

DRACO
To obey the Dark Lord Voldemort…

BORGIN
To obey the Dark Lord Voldemort…

DRACO
And…

BORGIN
And…

DRACO
Never, never, never…

BORGIN
Never, never, never…

DRACO
Dishonor the mission and the cause of Tom Marvolo Elizabeth Riddle!

BORGIN
Dishonor the…Elizabeth?

DRACO
Yeah, I know it's weird, but it's his middle name. Not many people know it, but the Dark Lord's dad…er…comes from a long line of Muggle strumpets.

BORGIN
Really? Er…Tom Marvolo Elizabeth Riddle.

DRACO
Good, so now, about the Vanishing cabinet…

They have the conversation which the trio overhears and then DRACO leaves, singing to himself

DRACO (sung)
Rehearsing our cursing
Til worse things are bursting
To start
Warms my heart!
(spoken) Hail You-Know-Who!

Keep Blood Pure

To the tune of Keep it Gay

The Scene: The first memory, in which BOB OGDEN is trying to reason with MARVOLO and MORFIN GAUNT while HARRY and DUMBLEDORE watch.

OGDEN (spoken) Listen, sir, I have to take your son to the Ministry, he's been summoned.

MARVOLO (spoken)
Summoned! I'll give you summoned! Why, you stupid Mudblood, do you know who we're descended from?

OGDEN
I should say not, and I don't care.

MARVOLO
You wouldn't!
(sung) The government is crud
It's run by dirty blood
This world is going downhill, that's for sure!
Mudbloods should be past, see.
Wizards should be nasty!
Wizards should be…what's the word?

MORFIN (in Parseltongue)
PURE!

MARVOLO (spoken)
Exactly.
(sung) No matter who you should impregnate
Keep the mud from their blood
Keep it pure!
Muggles and swine are clearly third rate
I assert that they're dirt
Keep it pure!
Wizards with magic
Are all our family did
It really looks tragic
If Muggles bear you kids.
No filthy Mudblood will have much allure
Take wizards to bed
Even if you're inbred…
Keep it pure
Keep it pure
Keep it pure!

OGDEN (spoken)
Unfortunately, our families have nothing to do with the matter at hand. Morfin has broken wizard law and-

MARVOLO (spoken)
Nope, you don't get the point, Muggles simply can't be considered on the same level as wizards. I can't believe you bastards up at the Ministry have made it illegal to torture one! You've wiped his face clean for him, and his memory to boot, I'll bet. And we had to keep that Muggle away, right, Morfin?

MORFIN (sung)
'Rope drools
On the fool
He's not pure!

MARVOLO (spoken)
My daughter thought a Muggle was…was…attractive?
(sung) Merope,
You're dopey
He's not pure!

MEROPE
Oh, why did this happen?
Oh, ye Gods above
Why did Morfin have to
Expose all my love…

The three of them begin some rather comical chasing about the house with MEROPE using frying pans to fend off her father and brother while OGDEN watches, horrorstruck

MARVOLO and MORFIN
Keep it pure, keep it pure, keep it pure!

OGDEN (spoken)
Mr. Gaunt, your daughter!

MARVOLO (oblivious to him, shrieking at MEROPE)
Why, you filthy little tramp! Think of the shame! Think of our family! Think of your children!

DUMBLEDORE (to HARRY)
Children…children…children…children…children!

HARRY (spoken)
Did I miss something?

DUMBLEDORE (spoken)
That's Voldemort's mother!
(sung) Merope Gaunt, see, was his dear mummy!

The Gaunts continue to tussle while he tells HARRY this

HARRY
Merope Gaunt, she, was his dear mummy?
(spoken) Well, it's a wild history, but I see how it works.

DUMBLEDORE (spoken)
And there's more.
(Sung) You see a line of Slytherin's heirs
Marrying cousins,
Violent types.
Their culture was a mess
Full of stress
Filled with great Muggle hate
Which was ripe!
You see evil wizards, bitter
And poor
Filled with crazy folks and manics
And more.
All filled their lungs with Parseltongue
And the trouble they caused was without any pause
AK, AK, Im-per-i-o
Cru-ci-o, AK
!

MARVOLO (shouting at Merope)
And you must be
Such a hussy!

MARVOLO and MORFIN
You thought to hide your love with a fib
Keep it pure, keep it pure, keep it pure
But it came out, you slut of a squib!
Keep it pure, keep it pure, keep it pure!
Purebloods must struggle
To keep their blood right
No screwing Muggles
Or else you're a blight!
And for such taint there is no proper cure!
You whore!
Whore
Whore
Whore
Whore
Whore
Whore!

OGDEN (spoken)
Morfin and Marvolo Elizabeth Gaunt, you are under arrest!

MARVOLO and MORFIN
Keep it pure!

When You Got It, Use It

To the tune of When You Got It, Flaunt It

We are now in the next flashback from the time of Tom RIDDLE, who is now an eleven-year-old kid sitting on his bed. DUMBLEDORE has just told him he's a wizard and he's begun extolling the virtues of his magical power

RIDDLE
When you got it, use it
Hang a rabbit from the roof!
People say it's better if folks love you
But as a wizard, best if they're scared of you!

When you got it, use it
Show your power, let them shake and shriek!

Powers really aren't much use
If they're not used for abuse
When you got it, frighten the weak!

He goes into a dance break in which he makes the door start to slam rhythmically

When you got it, cast it
Keep a stolen treasure trove on hand
Making people start to quake and cower
Is the best way to display your power
When you got it, know it
Let the whole world fear your very name
You should really use your wand
Sending folks to the beyond
When you got it, win some acclaim!

He dances again, this time making the carpet zoom over to a rusty old grand piano and play it while he does so.

When I was just a little boy, much younger
My mighty power set my brain to work
If nature blesses you with awesome powers
Use those awesome powers
Like a jerk!

He runs his finger up his throat and his voice is suddenly magnified

Be a jerk!
When you got it, show it!
Let your power scare and terrify!
People say that scaring folks is evil
But ev'ry great man knows it's all your free will!
When you got it, flout it!
Don't be squeamish, make 'em all feel pain!
Don't be light, that's a bad start
Show the world your blackened heart!
When you got it, if you got it
Once you got it, drive 'em insane!

Along Came Tom Riddle

To the tune of Along Came Bialy

The scene: We are once more looking at a memory of Tom RIDDLE, this time in his stint at Borgin and Burkes. We are getting a somewhat privileged look into RIDDLE's head as he goes to the scene, which HARRY and DUMBLEDORE don't have. RIDDLE is currently putting on his suit.

RIDDLE
The time has come
To put my suave and cunning brain to work
To keep it secret that I'm a jerk
And get an artifact for Mr. Burke.
It's time for Tom
To get Hepzibah in his palm
And make her really lose her calm
(makes a face) She's old enough to be my mom!
Ewwww….
Ewwww…
She was healthy
She was wealthy
Then along came Tom Riddle!
She was sassy
She was classy
Then along came Tom Riddle!
She's a witch and I'm her wizard
I'm the worst deceiver on earth
When I meet her
I can cheat her
'Cause I have my fun
And she takes money
Far less than the worth!

She felt that she
Wasn't charming
Then along came Tom Riddle
But her health she
Wasn't harming
Then along came Tom Riddle
So damn dashing
I was clashing
With her keen mind for common sense
Hell had sent her
Me, Tom Riddle,
To take all her shit for sixpence!

He heads off to the meeting with HEPZIBAH, where HARRY and DUMBLEDORE are watching

HEPZIBAH
No one hugged me
I was ugly
Then along came Tom Riddle…
Life had passed me by
I was a flash in the pan
At the end of my life,
My heart, it was rife
With loneliness for a man
A fat old girl
With no more joys…
Condemned to a wealth all measured in treasures
When all I really wanted was…boys!

RIDDLE comes in

RIDDLE (spoken)
Now, about that artifact you were talking about…

HEPZIBAH (spoken)
Oh, come on now, Riddle, you'll make me think you only want to be here for my treasures…here, I'll show you some real treasures.

RIDDLE
Here in broad daylight?

HEPZIBAH
Not like that, you silly boy! Here! (She shows him the cup) This was Helga Hufflepuff's! And this…(pulls out the locket) was Slytherins! (stows them away)

RIDDLE (thinking, sung)
I'll soon pocket
That damn locket
She will pay for all that she said!
Hell will hurt her
With Tom Riddle,
When I'm smiling and she is dead!
(spoken) She has got no worth!

HEPZIBAH
I thought that I
Wasn't charming
Then along came Tom Riddle
My self-esteem
It was harming
Then along came Tom Riddle
He's so dashing
That he's smashing
My thought that the future was grim!
That Tom Riddle, ooh Tom Riddle…
He's the incarnation
Of such temptation
Towards fornication

RIDDLE
Such degradation…

HEPZIBAH
There's no deflation
For infatuation with him!

DUMBLEDORE (spoken)
I think we must leave them here, Harry, and go on to another memory.

They switch to the memory of RIDDLE applying for the Defense job. YOUNG!DUMBLEDORE is sitting at his desk, when RIDDLE, now slightly evil looking, enters.

RIDDLE (spoken)
Professor…

DUMBLEDORE
Ah, Tom. Good day.

RIDDLE
I've done it, I've come back. I have gone further down the paths of untravelled magic than ever and now my knowledge is yours to command. I ask only for the post of teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts.

(sung) I can do it, I can do it
I can teach the students right!
Lord Voldemort can teach
Lord Voldemort can teach
I want that job!

YOUNG!DUMBLEDORE (sung)
You don't want this job, Lord Voldemort
Hold the fort, hold the fort, hold the fort
With you my patience is growing short,
Hold the fort, hold the fort, hold the fort
You think I'm vacant? I'm no stupid slob.
It's simply blatant, you don't want this job!
I know that…you won't do it!

RIDDLE
I can do it, I can do it
I can do it
I can teach the students right
Everything you ever needed
Is in my massive mind
I know that…I can do it!
I can do it, I just knew it
I am burning to cause learning

YOUNG!DUMBLEDORE
Lord Voldemort can't teach
Lord Voldemort can't teach
Lord Voldemort can't teach!
Can't teach!
Lord Voldemort can't teach!
Cant teach!
Lord Voldemort can't teach!

DUMBLEDORE
Harry, Harry, do observe this
It was truly sad
Harry, Harry, do observe this
It was truly sad.

HARRY
Then along came Tom Riddle…
He just wanted
To be teaching?
What was wrong with Tom Riddle?
Tom Riddle was so evil
It's something that I see still
It's Tom Riddle
Evil Riddle…

YOUNG!DUMBLEDORE
Lord Voldemort can't teach!

BOTH DUMBLEDORES
Lord Voldemort can't teach!

ALL (except RIDDLE)
Lord Voldemort can't teach!

RIDDLE
I can do it

OTHERS
You can't do it
Defense class you will distort!

RIDDLE
I can do it!

OTHERS
You will screw it!
To teach you only purport
You've learned stark parts
Of the dark arts
With all evil you cavort!

YOUNG!DUMBLEDORE (spoken)
You're not hired.

ALL (except RIDDLE)
You aren't burning to cause learning
You can leave, Lord Voldemort!

Her Face

To the tune of That Face

HARRY is contemplating his obsession with GINNY while she, in a separate room, is doing the same

HARRY
She's worth the earth and sky and all the riches
I shake and quake whenever she comes near
That Ginny Weasley's like no other witches
But Ron would never think it right I fear.

My love for her,
I really have to dim it
Us being together could cause huge disgrace
She is really, simply put, off limits
But how can I ignore what's in her face?

Her face
Her face
Her glorious face
It's all a guy could seek
Her eyes,
Her lips,
Her cheek
It makes my knees go weak.

Her face
Her face
Her fiery face
I know I shouldn't stare
Those ears,
That nose,
That hair
It makes me walk on air.

But it can't be
Ron, he'd kill me
This separation's best
If I divulge
I would indulge
The monster in my chest!

Her face, her face
Her delicious face
She must remain a friend!
For Ginny Weasley and my love, there really is no space
I just must forget her face!

HARRY accidentally takes one of Fred and George's daydream packets and glides into a daydream in which he and GINNY perform Ginger Rogers and Fred Astaire-esque dancing. Meanwhile, over in GINNY's room, she too is pining

GINNY
That face, that face
That battle-scarred face
It makes my heart go fast

BOTH (musing on each other)
For Ginny Weasley/Harry Potter and my love, there really is no/there has to be some space
I just must/He just must forget/notice her/my face!

Where'd You Ever Hear of That Dark Spell?

To the tune of Haben sie gehoert das Deutsche Band?

SNAPE has just cornered HARRY after using the spell "Sectusempra" on Draco Malfoy. He is questioning him

SNAPE
Where'd you ever hear of that Dark Spell?
Bring your bag,
Bring your books
Bring your bag, and all your books!

Now, where'd you ever hear of that Dark Spell?
Bring your bag,
Bring your books,
Bring your bag, and all your books!

As HARRY sprints off

That spell he used
Takes only one look
To see he only got it
From my book!

I wonder…
How'd he ever hear of that Dark Spell?
It is mad
It is mean
It is mine!

Sectusempra…straight from the mouth of Potter!
That can't mean a thing, except that he got my bloody, ruddy textbook,
And then next took spells, the rotter!

HARRY reappears

He's back!
Now, Potter…
How'd you ever hear of that Dark Spell?
That is not…
Your name if…
Mem'ry serves!

There is only one detention that your griev-
Ous deceiving
Does deserve!

(spoken) Stacking cards!

Horcrux in Sight

To the tune of Opening Night (reprise)

HARRY is being briefed on what has occurred with the Horcruxes by DUMBLEDORE.

DUMBLEDORE
Horcrux in sight
A Horcrux in sight!
Well, Harry, as you now clearly know
These Horcruxes have to go
We're gonna cut Voldemort's soul down to size
If we succeed, one more Horcrux is our prize
For any failure we can't allow
'Cause Slytherin's locket we're getting now!

You've Gotta Do Whatever I Decide

To the tune of You Never Say Good Luck on Opening Night

The scene is the same. DUMBLEDORE continues the briefing.

DUMBLEDORE (spoken)
Now, Harry, remember, this is a dangerous mission and there are a few conditions we must meet.....

(sung) You have gotta do whatever I decide
We will play
Things my way
Even if I say "get lost" or "run away!"

HARRY (spoken)
OK.

DUMBLEDORE
We have gotta do whatever I decide
It is known
That alone,
Your life still has far more value than my own!

HARRY (spoken)
OK.

DUMBLEDORE
Even if you think that you should stay
And you think that we could survive
This is black and white, there's no grey:
It's more important that you stay alive!

HARRY (spoken)
OK, OK, OK!

DUMBLEDORE
I forbid you to refuse what I decide
If I said…
"Go ahead,"
You must go, even if it meant I were dead!

HARRY (spoken)
Right, I've got it.

DUMBLEDORE
If you want to retrieve the Horcrux
There's only one single detail
Even if you think that my order sucks,
You obey, 'cause this job we can't fail!

HARRY (sung)
I got it!
Now, I swear I'll do whatever you decide.
It's my job,
I might sob…
But I have to see it through
And that means defer to you!

DUMBLEDORE (spoken)
Yes, to me.

HARRY (spoken)
Alright, to you.

DUMBLEDORE (sung)
Alright, still we
(spoken) Must go!
(sung) Mustn't dilly.
You really, really, really, really, really, really, really
Must…do what I decide!

Springtime for Sev'rus

To the tune of Springtime for Hitler

The scene: Hogwarts, immediately after the death of Dumbledore. DEATH EATERS are streaming through the school while a deceptively pleasant tune plays.

DEATH EATERS
The Dark Lord
Was having trouble
Poor old Tommy Riddle
Needed his old spy
To stop being the guy in the middle.
Well, look at him now!
He just made one vow,
And like he said, old Dumble's dead,
And Severus won, wow!

And now it's….
Springtime for Sev'rus
The Half-Blood Prince!
DE's are flaming…with joy!
Light siders, you should hold the fort
Look out, here comes Lord Voldemort
Springtime for Sev'rus
The Half-Blood Prince!
Dumble has stumbled and died!
Springtime for Sev'rus
The Half-Blood Prince
It's a heyday for pureblooded pride!

Springtime for Sev'rus
The Half-Blood Prince
(Dumbledore's dead)
Winter for Potter and friends!
Springtime for Sev'rus -
And Slytherin!
(Springtime! Springtime! Springtime! Springtime! Springtime! Springtime!)
He used all means to get to his ends!

They start dancing. DEATH EATER ONE steps out

DEATH EATER ONE
Who knew Dumbledore would die
At the hands of his former spy?

DEATH EATER TWO steps out

DEATH EATER TWO
Now that Snapey killed that rotter,
All that's left is Harry Potter!

They continue dancing, slowly escaping Hogwarts in a general flood. Finally, ALECTO appears, waving her arms frantically

ALECTO
It's Snape, he's escaping!
It's Snape, he's escaping!
It's Snape, he's escaping!

DEATH EATERS
Snape's the master
Snape's the master
Snape's the master!
Springtime for Sev'rus
The Half-Blood Prince!
Go Sev'rus!

SNAPE appears, fending off curses and gloating as Harry frantically tries to hit him

SNAPE
Well, I've won!
Dumble's dead!
I'm the spy whose side
Is Voldemort's instead!
Well, I've won!
Don't you cry
There's no royal
Disloyal-
Ler than I!
Everything I did, it was a scam!

DEATH EATERS
Yes, it was!

SNAPE
And this kid is such a wimp, not worth a damn!
Dumbledore rots in Hell!
Every needy, greedy DE give a yell!

DEATH EATERS
Every needy, greedy DE…

SNAPE
Well, we've won!

DEATH EATERS
Every needy, greedy DE…

SNAPE
Well, we've won!

ALL
Every needy, greedy DE give a yell!

SNAPE
Lord Voldie…
I did like you told me!
Now Potter needs to lose his life
And you can cause unending strife!
Lord Voldie…
I did like you told me!
I cast AK and didn't wince
Our movement has won ever since
You hired me, the Half-blood Prince!
Lord Voldie…
I did like you told me!

The music slows down. SNAPE is still fending off Harry's jinxes as he keeps singing

SNAPE
I hated this kid forever
Vengeance can't be sweeter!
Got my dark mark from the Dark Lord,
Now I'm a Death Eater!

Dumbledore was king
And that's just the thing,
It's understood
He thought me good
But boy, did the truth sting!
(spoken) But it wasn't always so easy…

It was 1971…James Potter was playing the big game and I was playing the Slytherin common room…and then I finally got my big break. Trelawney made this big-ass prophecy and would you believe it? I heard the whole thing! The whole thing!

(sung) They thought me lesser
Than a worm, a mere Professor!
It tasted oh, so sour
When I had such power!
Well, I've won!

blocks Levicorpus

Not my spell!
Don't attack me,
I'm no lackey,
Can't you tell?!
I am empowered
I ain't no coward,
You brat!
Just watch me, though
No Crucio
Can get through!
No spell gets through!
And now it's…

DEATH EATERS
Springtime for Sev'rus the Half-Blood Prince

SNAPE
Springtime…

DEATH EATERS
He shirked his spy work and killed!

SNAPE
I shirked…

MALE DEATH EATERS
We'll beat Dumble's conclave at last!

DEATH EATERS
Dumbledore's in his grave at last!

ALL
Springtime for Sev'rus
The Half-Blood Prince!
Evil is on its encore!
Springtime for Sev'rus and Voldemort…

SNAPE
Means that…

DEATH EATERS
The Dark Lord's winning

SNAPE
You bet that he's winning!

DEATH EATERS
You know that he's winning

SNAPE
Our master is winning!

ALL
The Dark Lord is winning this war!

There's No Hope in Sight

To the tune of Where Did We Go Right?

HARRY, HERMIONE and RON are sadly contemplating the death of Dumbledore

HARRY (spoken)
Look at where things have gone! The Horcrux was fake…

RON (spoken)
Bad news…

HARRY
Dumbledore died for no point!

RON
Bad news…

HARRY
Snape knows all the Order's secrets and is a traitor!

RON
Bad news…

HARRY
How could this happen?

(sung) The Death Eaters broke in
And Snape managed to win
There's no hope in sight!

HERMIONE (reading The Prophet, spoken)
"Albus Dumbledore, rumored the only wizard whom He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named ever feared, is now dead, meaning that only Harry Potter has a chance of defeating the enemy."

HARRY
When that dark spell Snape did cast
Even Malfoy looked aghast
There's no hope in sight!

HERMIONE (spoken)
"Aurors continue to search for Severus Snape, former Professor at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, who is the murderer in this case. It is said that Snape and He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named are currently in hiding together."

HARRY
We searched the entire cave
And Dumble was so brave
He took in six cups of potion, all for good
And when DE's he detected,
He made sure I was protected
He thought that Snape was light, but he quite misunderstood!

Now our luck has so changed
And his funeral's being arranged
There's no hope in sight.
And Severus Snape's deranged
He's like Bella Lestrange.
There's no hope in sight!

A man so difficult to kill
Now his seat our old house head must fill!
Oh, why, oh, why, tell us why is there no hope in sight?!

HERMIONE (spoken)
"The most shocking event in the last decade. Dumbledore was a brilliant and courageous man!" Oh, now they like him.

HARRY
Oh, we thought they couldn't win
Malfoy was the assassin!
Now the Horcrux ain't disposed
And the school might soon be closed
And there is no hope in sight!

That Hack

To the tune of Betrayed

This scene, though it never occurs in the book, undoubtedly occurred at some point and it seems a good time to show it now. VOLDEMORT has just been informed of Regulus Black stealing one of his Horcruxes

VOLDEMORT (sung)
Just like Harry Potter
He's just a light-side sap
I can't believe he managed
To get past my potions trap!
That hack!
Oh, boy he's such a hack!

Like Palpatine and Vadar,
His loyalty did crack
I'm crying for my Horcrux
All because of Reggie Black!
That hack!
Let's face it, he's a hack!

Wow! I feel so sickened
Now my death has quickened!
I should've known that he turned light
And did this sort of thing from spite
Like Dumble was busted
Now I'm in the pits
Like Snape was trusted
Reggie was the shits
My soul I lack!
That Black bastard is a hack!

I used to be the Lord
But now I am the serf
A Dark Lord without a soul
A lone wolf who's off his turf!
Now I've got two Horcruxes smashed
My soul is shattered and it's trashed
Of fear or anguish I've no notion
No desire, no emotion!

(spoken) I'm drowning! I'm drowning here! I see my life flashing before my eyes…I…I see me sitting in Slytherin House, in the common room…I'm alone and I'm crying 'cause I'm so lonely and then along comes a girl…a girl with long, dark hair who's unnaturally pretty for a social outcast…and then another girl…and another…and another…and…wait a minute, that's not my life! I'm not a Mary Sue! That's someone's badly written Tom Riddle fanfiction flashing before my eyes! Regulus has taken everything…even my past!

(sung) My past, it lies in pieces
My fear of death increases…
To think I was so happy with my cockamamie scheme
"Severus has killed old Dumbledore, but old Malfoy, seems he failed."
He can do it, he can do it…
"He can't do it…"
He can do it
"He can't do it"…come on, mom!
I'll just kill your husband!
"Ok, Lord!"
"Come on, Draco, you can do it!"
Step One, mend the cabinet
See it, mend it, fix it, use it!
Hello, Mr. Borgin!
"Voldemort prance prance
Voldemort dance dance"
(moans) Tom Marvolo Elizabeth Riddle…
"Voldemort prance prance,
Voldemort dance dance!"
Step Two, use my spy at Hogwarts!
Play it safe, play it safe, play it safe!
AK, AK, Im-per-i-o!
Rosmerta!
Ooh wah wah wah wah wah wah wah!
Step Three, raise the Death Eaters
"Along came Tom Riddle!"
Intermission!

VOLDEMORT picks his teeth absentmindedly

Step Four, kill off the resistance
"Amelia Bones is dead,
Next one is Vance and…next!
The hurricane in Wales…next!
Snape can kill him!"
"The time is right!"
Attack, attack, attack
Dumble left…nope, now he's back!
Springtime for Sev'rus, the Half-Blood Prince!
A surprise death!
Springtime for Sev'rus, the Half-Blood Prince!
We can take the school!
There's no hope in sight
There's no hope in sight!
Gimme the school!
No, Lord Voldie!
Gimme the school!
No, Lord Voldie!
School! No!
School! No!
School! No!
School! No!
Lousy fool, kill the Headmaster!
He's far too old to fight!

He suddenly realizes he's ranting and remembers what he was singing about originally

Then you took my Horcrux
And you're safely in your grave
Is that any way
For civilized folks to behave?!
Just like Albus Dumble
Was killed by a teacher
Who'd see me betrayed
By someone who owned that elf, Kreacher?!
That's quite a smack!
Now one Horcrux I lack!
Thanks to…that hack!
THAT HACK!!!

He's Brave

To the tune of the 'Til Him

The scene: Bill Weasley's hospital bed. The WEASLEYS are gathered around it as FLEUR enters.

FLEUR (spoken)
You zink I shall not wish to marry 'im now zat 'e is scarred? I sink not! All zese scars show are…

(sung) All the reason for love Bill's allowed me:
He's brave
I will marry such a person proudly
He's brave
My existence hasn't had much meaning
Always flirting, never much respect
Wisdom I am gleaning
From the values he protects!
Of his life to good he was a donor
He's brave…
I see these scars as a badge of honor
He's brave…
He almost gave up his life
It was a close shave
All these scars will show is my husband Bill
Is brave!

MRS. WEASLEY
Fleur…I never realized…your singing is almost as good as Celestina Warbeck's.

FLEUR (stiffly)
Thank you. I sang it convince you that I am his wife, now and forever.

MRS. WEASLEY
You are? Gee…I appear to have misjudged you…I have some old things you could wear if you liked...at the wedding, I mean. They'd be lovely with your hair.

FLEUR and MRS. WEASLEY stare at each other for a second before dissolving into tears and hugging each other. They sing a duet.

BOTH
I love Bill, I won't leave him forsaken
He's brave
If you think much else, you are mistaken
He's brave!
Never thought that you would understand it
Given what you thought of me/us before

MRS. WEASLEY
This is really grand,
It seems I'm wrong, Miss Delacour

OTHER WEASLEYS
Ahhhhhh!

FLEUR (sniffs, spoken)
That vas heedeous…
(sung) Though the dowry and the wealth is measley
He's brave
I am so glad I'll become a Weasley
He's brave
He almost gave up his life
It was a close shave
All these scars will show is that my husband Bill
Is brave!

Dumbledore's Dead (Not Going Back)

To the tune of Prisoners of Love (Leo and Max)

The scene: The aftermath of Dumbledore's funeral. Rufus SCRIMGEOUR has just approached HARRY about the Ministry.

SCRIMGEOUR
Potter, help us!
Potter, help us!
(spoken) OK, Potter, the game's up. We need you to help us raise morale among the wizards. After all, we are at war…so what were you doing with Dumbledore that night?

HARRY (spoken)
Dumbledore wouldn't have wanted me to tell you.

SCRIMGEOUR (sung)
Dumbledore's dead!
Don't lose your head!
He won't come back at all.
Dumbledore's dead
And I am fed
Up with the way you stall!

HARRY (sung)
Oh, you can say he's six feet underground
If we stay loyal, he's around!

SCRIMGEOUR
Dumbledore's dead!
Don't lose your head!
'Cause Dumbledore is…
Dumbledore is…
Dumbledore is quite dead!

HARRY (spoken)
So you want to give me a whole load of tosh in exchange for me…

SCRIMGEOUR (spoken)
Raising everyone's morale!

HARRY (spoken)
Released Stan Shunpike yet?

SCRIMGEOUR (sung)
Now, Harry, Dumble ain't around!
Dumbledore's dead
Don't lose your head!
I see you're still his man…

HARRY (sung)
Yes, I am still his man!

SCRIMGEOUR
Dumbledore's dead,
And like, I said
You should do what you can!

HARRY
Oh, you can say he's six feet underground
Long as I'm loyal, he's around!

SCRIMGEOUR
Morale is dead!

HARRY
This seems ill-bred,
I'm Dumbledore's man!
I'm Dumbledore's man!
No matter if he is dead!
Dead!
Dead!
Dead!
Dead!
Dead!
Dead!
Dead!
Dead!
Dead!
Dead!
Dead!
Dead!

A few minutes later, he is explaining his plans to HERMIONE and RON

HARRY
Not going back
I will not slack
In killing Voldie's soul!
Not going back
I must attack
And play my unique role!
So even if I face fatality,
I'll show Voldie mortality!
And if I meet
Professor Snape
I'll show that damn abuser
His cause is wrong
He's not so strong,
He's just a Prince loser!
I swear I'll fight
For what is right!

HERMIONE
We know it's scary,
But we've been wary
And we're with you, Harry,
As friends!

RON
Harry and friends vs. Voldie!

Goodbye

To the tune of the same name

As HARRY, RON and HERMIONE stand frozen, the whole CAST sings

CAST
In book seven, the clock will sound
The time when Harry must stand his ground
We can hope he's on the right side
But now that Snape and Voldie have become allied…
It is looking bad, but light could come back
And Harry will fight Voldemort's attack!
And Dumbledore's death's made our throats tight
That's the end! The last page! 'Til seven…
We must tell you good night!


Harry Potter the Musical(s)

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