Hallows Dead

A Deathly Hallows musical by Salazar based on Evil Dead! The Musical

Hallows of Death/House on Privet Drive
The Book's Protagonist
You Have Been Deceived
Look Who's Winning Now!
You're a Stupid Prat
Join Me
Non-Identifiable Snape
Book's Protagonist (Reprise)
I'd Like to Help Him
Plot Point Person
All The Men In My Life Keep Getting Killed By Lord Voldemort's Minions
Ode to a Frustrated Dark Lord
Do the Dark Mark Dosido
It's Time
I Will Never Die
You Beat the Final Boss

Copyright 2009 by Salazar


Hallows of Death/House on Privet Drive

To the tune of Book of the Dead/Cabin in the Woods

The scene is black. XENOPHILIUS LOVEGOOD'S voice echoes ominously.

XENOPHILIUS (spoken): Legend has it that they were made by the Peverell Brothers: The three artifacts of the brothers, also known as the Deathly Hallows. The three Hallows served as tools which would make the wielder Master of Death. They were made long ago, when wizards could elude death. It was Death itself which allowed the items to be created. With the dispute between Arcus and Livius, the Hallows disappeared.

A thunder clap sounds and lights come up. TONKS, MOODY, the TWINS, LUPIN, MUNDUNGUS, HERMIONE, RON, FLEUR, BILL, HAGRID, KINGSLEY and ARTHUR WEASLEY are all heading to Privet Drive on brooms.

ALL:
We're all riding our brooms
'Cause the chance of danger looms,
Flying high above the ground
So that we won't be found.
Since we must be confusing,
There's a great plan we're using.
Seven Harry Potters
Will confuse the evil rotters!
We'll make sure Harry cannot be beat
But first we've got to find our way to the proper street.

House on Privet Drive, oooh
House on Privet Drive, yeah…
Thirteen Order members gotta get down to Harry Potter's house on Privet Drive
Oh yeah!

MOODY:
All the Order's here
To make sure that the coast is clear.
From this plan we shall not depart.
It wouldn't be too smart!

HERMIONE:
This won't take much panache.

HAGRID:
Long as the bike don't crash,
This will be a spin.
I hope that we can win!

MUNDUNGUS:
If we can't keep 'em at bay,
I'll simply run away.
If any trouble comes, I'll beat it
If plans go to shit,
Well, tough tit.

FLEUR:
Will Bill still want to marry
When I look just like 'arry?
I will look 'ideous.
It's quite invidious!

HERMIONE:
Let's get to Harry's street with much agility
Then we can use the plan with our best ability.
I really can't imagine the outcome if we fail.

TWINS:
Let's just hope the decoys keep Lord Voldie off his tail!

ALL:
House on Privet Drive, ooh
House on Privet Drive, yeah
Thirteen Order members gotta get down to Harry Potter's house on Privet Drive,
Oh yeah!

LUPIN:
We will protect James' son!

MUNDUNGUS:
If there's trouble, then I'll just jump the gun!

RON:
Those damn Death Eaters we will have to perplex!

TONKS:
And if not, I'll simply feed them a nasty little hex!

ALL:
We may have to kill
We may have to stun
We've gotta protect
The Chosen One!
In short,
We'll thwart
The Dark Lord Voldemort.
And Harry Potter we will export
From the House on Privet Drive, oooh
House on Privet Drive, yeah
Thirteen Order members gotta get down to Harry Potter's house on Privet Drive
Yeah, yeah!

Overlapping

Thirteen Order members gotta get down to Harry Potter's house on Privet Drive

House on Privet Drive
House on Privet Drive

Thirteen Order members gotta get down to Harry Potter's house on Privet Drive!

The Book's Protagonist

To the tune of Housewares Employee (begin at 4:31)

It is HARRY's birthday. HARRY and GINNY are alone in GINNY's room. However, rather than simply kissing, they go into a full-blown love duet.

GINNY:
How could I have shown such fear
When I was back in my first year?

HARRY:
Way back in the second book,
Why did I never give a second look?
You were my best friend's little sis
Someone who I could dismiss.

GINNY:
I hated how I wasn't cool
When you had saved everyone in the school!
I had a killer diary

HARRY:
You went on quite the killing spree.

GINNY:
The fans weren't glad you fell for me.

BOTH:
They were shipping "Harmony."

HARRY:
I have to vent my anger to Miss JKR:
Keeping her at arm's length never seemed so far!
Why did we have to fall in love?
Why did we have to click?
Why did the book's protagonist land such a hot chick?

GINNY:
Why did such a hot chick land the book's protagonist?
Back in second year, I thought you were so fine
I even sent you a singing valentine!
You made me weak in the knees.
I used Horcruxes for my Livejournal entries!

HARRY:
Why do I have to go save Hogwarts
And go through heroic acts of all sorts?
Oh, Riddle was right, I can tell -
'Cause I'd put a snake in your chamber as well!

GINNY:
You saved my soul from dire risk.

HARRY:
For you, I slayed a basilisk!

GINNY:
Finding love inside a secret, dark room -
Works better than throwing rings into Mt. Doom!

BOTH:
I have to vent my anger to Miss JKR:
Keeping her/him at arm's length never seemed so far!
Why did we have to fall in love?
Why did we have to click?

HARRY:
Why did the book's protagonist land such a hot chick?

GINNY:
Why did such a hot chick land the book's protagonist?

HARRY:
I'm fighting foes straight out of Azkaban.
So I can't endanger my true love.
I must act like Spiderman!

BOTH:
I have to vent my anger to Miss JKR:
Keeping her/him at arm's length never seemed so far!
Why did we have to fall in love?
Why did we have to click?

HARRY:
Why did the book's protagonist land such a hot chick?

GINNY:
Why did such a hot chick land the…

BOTH:
Book's protagonist?

You Have Been Deceived

To the tune of It Won't Let Us Leave (begin at 1:26)

MURIEL and DOGE are arguing over Dumbledore's memory.

MURIEL (pointing to a picture of Rita Skeeter):
Thanks to her,
The truth is achieved.
You have been deceived.
You have been deceived.

DOGE:
Skeeter's a fool.
And you have got me peeved.
I am so bereaved.

MURIEL:
You have been deceived.
You have been deceived.

Look Who's Winning Now!

To the tune of Look Who's Evil Now (begin at 2:15)

The Ministry has fallen. HERMIONE, RON and HARRY are reading about the details of the new regime in the Daily Prophet, which, in David-Yates-camera-angle fashion, has the pictures coming alive and speaking. The current headline is "PIUS THICKNESSE IS NEW MINISTER" and the picture reveals THICKNESSE, though once the camera has zoomed in, VOLDEMORT is shown behind him, gloating.

VOLDEMORT:
Now I am the guy on top
The Government is under my power.
They don't know the Dark Arts are the winners
My side is the winners! Now all will cower!

Now we've won
The Order's finished
Now we've won
And the light is through!
Now we've won,
You can't deny!
Now we've won
And Potter's friends will die!

Now I almost have triumphed
Before me, all kowtow!
It's true!
Look who's winning now!
(spoken) Hit it, Yaxley!
(sung) Look who's winning, look who's winning, look who's winning now.
I said, look who's winning, look who's winning, look who's winning now.

We'll know if people Apparate
Our tracking has no flaw
Some Cruciatus torture
Will make Potter's old friends wag their jaw!
No more Mudblood kids
They are the final straw
Now the Ministry
Will be enforcing Godwin's law!

Nobody fucks with me,
Not while there's still a war on.
If this were Middle Earth,
Consider me worse than Sauron!

Purebloods only at Hogwarts
Mudbloods I won't allow
It's true!
Look who's winning now!

(Spoken) Now, I told you earlier I would take the Order out, until we've won,
And I'm not one to make false promises.
Death Eaters, hit it!
(sung) Thicknesse,
Let's fix this mess.
Malfoy,
Let's kill that boy!
Yaxley,
No one attacks me.
And Bella,
Track down that Potter fella.
They can't stop me
They can't stop me
They can't stop me now!
I said, they can't stop me
They can't stop me
They can't stop me now!
(spoken) Where's love now, Dumbledore?
Where's love now?!

The camera fades out of that headline, and changes to another one: SNAPE CONFIRMED AS HOGWARTS HEADMASTER. Before the camera zooms in, HARRY cries in horror.

HARRY:
Not Hogwarts too!

Zoom in. SNAPE is smiling.

SNAPE:
I'm on top, just look at me!
I run all this school's affairs.
And though I killed off Albus
Nobody here cares.
I've made the Carrows
DADA profs,
And they will teach Dark Arts!
And the Detentions I assign
Will be quite off the charts!
We'll torture!
They'll scream!
It's like a nasty dream.
But this is what life's like in Voldemort's regime!

Now I run education
To me the staff will bow.
It's true.
Look who's winning now!

The camera zooms out. HARRY, RON and HERMIONE are glaring in disgust.

RON (spoken):
Dude, get your wand! We're gonna get that greasy git!

HERMIONE (spoken):
We can't attack Hogwarts, it's too well defended.

HARRY (spoken):
Goddammit, guys, we can't just let Snape take over! Incendio!

The paper bursts into flames.

You're a Stupid Prat

To the tune of What the Fuck Was That? (begin at 5:15)

RON has just decided to leave because HARRY has no plan, after weeks in the woods. They are confronting each other.

BOTH:
You're a stupid prat!

RON:
You haven't the first clue what you're doing!

BOTH:
You're a stupid prat!

HARRY:
You said you'd stay here til the end!

BOTH:
You're a stupid prat!

HARRY:
Ron, you should be helping, not boo-hooing!

BOTH:
You're a stupid prat!

RON:
Your leadership's been round the bend,
Friend.
I'm leaving, 'cause you cannot find a Horcrux.
You're a stupid prat!

HARRY:
You must help me turn the tide!

RON:
I will not stay here anymore
I'm going back to Mum.

HARRY:
No! You cannot go! Look, Hermione here wants you here too!

RON:
I can't remain,
This quest's a pain.
I have to leave.

HARRY:
You cannot leave.

RON:
I will!

HARRY:
You won't!

RON:
I will!

HARRY:
You won't!

RON:
You can't do your job.
You're a sucky Chosen One!

HARRY:
You don't even know if you can get back
Because we Apparate every day.

RON:
I do not care! Just stop me if you can!

HARRY:
Listen to me!

RON:
No, I won't!

HARRY:
You might get caught!

RON:
It's time to go!

HARRY:
You might die
In Azkaban!

RON:
Call me back when you've dreamed up a plan!
You're a stupid prat!
Now I'm on my way to food and shelter.

HARRY:
You're a stupid prat. Ron, you're way out of the loop.

BOTH:
Horcruxes are bad, but can they be found?

HARRY:
Of course!

RON:
No way!

HARRY:
Yes way!

RON:
No sir.
You're a stupid part!

Ron Apparates into a gang of Snatchers

Shit, a Snatcher group!

Join Me

To the tune of Join Us (begin at 7:02)

RON has come back! Unfortunately, he's not back in time for anything pleasant. The locket has just opened and the shade of TOM RIDDLE has stepped out. However, instead of producing shades of HARRY and HERMIONE, RIDDLE goes into song and dance.

RIDDLE (spoken):
I have seen your heart, Ronald Weasley, and it is mine!

Join me!
(sung) Come and join the pureblood clique
We've got everything you seek
Leech off my dark mystique
And join me, yeah!

Your girlfriend's a ho.
She's made out with your best bro!
Fanfic's never wrong, you know.
So join me!

You'll be really in good shape
And make all your fans gape
You'll be more complex than Snape
If you join me!

Help kill those Mudblood scum
And betray your squeeze and chum
Evil wins, 'cause good is dumb!
(spoken) So escape your status as the youngest boy, the least wanted, and help me conquer this land and subjugate each and every Muggle-born student!

RON (spoken):
No! No! I'll never join you, never!

RIDDLE:
What's the matter, Ron? You don't want to be a complex, well-written villain…like me?

RON (spoken):
God, no! I'd rather have my dialogue written by George Lucas!

A GEORGE LUCAS shade appears.

LUCAS (spoken):
Why, thank you!

RON (spoken):
Oh God, the horror! It's Lucas!

LUCAS (spoken): Actually, I'm just a Dark Arts-inspired figment of your imagination. And I'm here to tell you about all the fun you'll experience if you take Lord Voldemort up on his offer and join him!
(sung) You can steal every scene
That's the joy of being mean
Voldemort's your Palpatine,
So go join him!

RIDDLE:
Join me!

LUCAS:
Betrayal's a blast!
By you, all will be surpassed
You'll make Vader look steadfast
If you join him!

RIDDLE:
Join me!
Come on, Ron, don't be a fool
Being evil's fun and cool
You'll score with half the school
If you join me!

LUCAS:
In your hate you must immerse
Make the Empire so much worse!

RIDDLE:
Dude, wrong bloody universe!
(spoken) But still, join my evil forces as we enslave all wizardkind, murder every last genetically unfit member of the population, and bathe in the accolades of the pureblood community!

RON (spoken, or rather, shouted):
BOTH OF YOU SHUT UP! Especially you, Lucas, stop trying to persuade me! You can't write good character development to save your life! Expelliarmus!

LUCAS is blasted backwards into the woods.

LUCAS (as he flies):
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

RIDDLE (sung):
Don't forget, you little prick
That I can make you tick.

RON (spoken):
What are you talking about?

RIDDLE:
I thought I'd try the shtick.
But now, I'll make you tick.

RON:
Make me tick? How?

RIDDLE:
I'll make you tick, yes, my boy,
I'll make you tick. Yes, I'll totally make you want to join me!

RON:
Oh yeah? You think you'll get me to want to join you? Huh? No, you won't! What the hell do you think you know about me, huh? What do you think you know?!

The HERMIONE and HARRY shades appear and begin making out

RIDDLE (tauntingly):
I've made you tick! I've made you tick! I've made you tick! I've made you tick!

RON:
You bastard…you evil bastard…you think you can screw with my head? Well, I KNOW HOW TO MAKE YOU TICK TOO, PRICK! (he slams the Sword of Gryffindor into the Locket) Who's laughing now, Riddle?! Who's laughing now?!!!

Non-Identifiable Snape

To the tune of Good Old Reliable Jake

SNAPE has been watching the scene in the clearing, when RON destroyed the Horcrux. As he apparates back to the outskirts of Hogwarts, he begins to congratulate himself.

SNAPE:
Who's non-identifiable and discreet?
Who's the one whose stealth skill cannot be beat?
Who's the one man who can plant an artifact and escape?
Non-identifiable Snape!

Who can be as quiet as a mouse
And is a true credit to his sneaky house?
Who can go all over in the dead of night,
And who could be dismissed as an odd trick of the light?
Who made all the marauders look amateur
And break into the Gringotts bank without a stir?
Whose nondescript light-footedness makes people gape?
Non-identifiable Snape!

Who instructed James Bond on how to infiltrate
And who knows the secrets of every State?
Who stole the crown jewels from Queen and from King
And who disappeared without using Lord Sauron's ring?
Who caught the Watergate burglars' break-in?
And who wasn't there, you must be mistaken?
It was me
You can see
I'm in good shape!
Non-identifiable Snape!

SNAPE arrives at the Headmaster's office

Do you believe I can keep young Potter on his path?

HEADMASTERS:
We believe!

SNAPE:
And do you believe I can lead him to each Horcrux?

HEADMASTERS:
We believe!

SNAPE:
So Dumbledore left me to watch that kid
And he'll thank me for all of the stuff I did.
I'm the hidden man behind the drape.
Non-identifiable Snape!
I'm the hidden man behind the drape.
Non-identifiable Snape!

Book's Protagonist (Reprise)

To the tune of Housewares Employee (reprise)

HARRY and HERMIONE have just discovered that Dumbledore was friends with Grindelwald. HARRY is enraged.

HARRY (spoken):
He was evil now?!

HERMIONE:
Harry, Harry calm down…it's likely he was just young…

HARRY:
Just young? He was our age!
(sung) I have to vent my anger to miss JKR
A plot twist this massive is a step too far!
I thought he was my mentor, but it all was just a trick
Why did the book's protagonist help such a huge prick?

HERMIONE:
Why did such a huge prick…

BOTH:
Help the book's protagonist?

I'd Like to Help Him

To the tune of I'm Not a Killer (begin at 1:25)

HARRY, HERMIONE and RON have been trapped by Xenophilius Lovegood, who has just informed them that the Death Eaters have Luna. The trio has decided on a plan to escape, but HARRY first needs a moment of self-reflection.

HARRY:
I'd like to help him
I'm the book's protagonist
And to rescue his daughter
Is a job that I should not resist.

But he wants to kill us
So we really cannot stay
I'm sorry, Lovegood, but we're on our way!
Our way!
Our way!
Our way!
Our way!
Our way!
Our way.
Our way…our way…

Plot Point Person

To the tune of Bit Part Demon (begin at 3:25)

HARRY, RON and HERMIONE are trapped in the Malfoy manor. OLLIVANDER is trapped with them, and is informing them of the grievousness of his situation.

OLLIVANDER (sung):
I'm that guy you see
In every children's book
You read through his passage and
Don't give a second look.

You hardly know I'm there
I'm exposition with a face
If I were a Star Wars action figure
I'd be that dude who controlled the rebel base.

'Cause I'm a plot point person
A well-used device
I might get a paragraph
Or a chapter, if I'm nice.

No one knows who I am
The readers don't give a damn (I suck)
No, sir.
Ollivander
Is the plot point person.

HARRY (spoken) But don't you see, Ollivander? You've said a lot just now. You're not a plot point anymore - you actually managed to get in some character development, just like one of us!

OLLIVANDER:
You're right!
(sung) Now my place in this book's been circumvented
I've said something to you that's not story-oriented!
I'm a plot point no more!
My character's not a crock
Now it's time for this person to talk, talk, talk!

I…

DOBBY arrives and Apparates him out

OLLIVANDER (spoken):
Ok, never mind. I'm just a plot point.

All The Men In My Life Keep Getting Killed By Lord Voldemort's Minions

To the tune of All The Men In My Life Keep Getting Killed By Candarian Demons (begin at 6:00)

HARRY has just looked into the Pensieve and watched Snape's memories. He is very remorseful. As he sings, images of SNAPE, DUMBLEDORE and JAMES appear on the surface and sing along.

HARRY:
All the men in my life keep getting killed by Lord Voldemort's minions!

JAMES (spoken):
All the men in your life keep getting killed by Lord Voldemort's minions?

HARRY:
First it was Dad
Who I never knew.
Though I know he had
That Marauder crew.
I could have had
A normal life
But before I could walk or talk
Dad was killed to
Protect Voldie's dominion!

MEMORIES:
Lord Voldie's dominion, Lord Voldie's dominion, Lord Voldie's dominion…

HARRY:
Then it was Sirius

JAMES:
Sirius?!

HARRY:
What a disaster!

JAMES:
So true.

HARRY:
He was the fangirls' favorite character!

DUMBLEDORE:
Shipped all the time…

HARRY:
He also was a father figure…

JAMES:
'Cause I was gone!

HARRY:
But we can't be all Oedipal now
'Cause he was killed by
One of Voldemort's minions!

MEMORIES:
Lord Voldemort's minions, Lord Voldemort's minions, Lord Voldemort's minions…

HARRY:
This story is not cool
It makes me so cross
This novel's too damn full of loss
'Cause the men in my life keep getting killed by Lord Voldemort's minions!

(spoken) Why?!

DUMBLEDORE (spoken):
I think you know.

JAMES (spoken): Harry, I know it seems bad now - it always does. But I think you're exaggerating a bit, Sport. I mean, sure, I and Sirius were killed by Lord Voldemort and his minions, but that's only two guys, isn't it? There's no way ALL the men in your life could have been killed by Lord Voldemort's minions!

HARRY:
Oh no?!
(Sung) My headmaster…

DUMBLEDORE:
Master…

HARRY:
Dumbledore…

DUMBLEDORE:
Oh yeah!

HARRY:
He was like none I had known before

MEMORIES:
None before…

HARRY:
A perfect man…

MEMORIES:
None before!

HARRY:
Like a Mary Sue…

DUMBLEDORE:
I was, it is true.

HARRY:
But because Mary Sues really suck,
He was killed by…

DUMBLEDORE:
Damn!

HARRY:
One of Voldemort's minions!

MEMORIES:
Lord Voldemort's minions, Lord Voldemort's minions, Lord Voldemort's minions!

HARRY:
All my friends from Hogwarts
Of the male sex
My mother's crazed stalker
Who was also her ex…

SNAPE:
Hey!!

HARRY:
Every guy I meet gets sent
To heaven or hell
And now 'cause I'm a Horcrux too
I have to die as well!

JAMES (angrily, to DUMBLEDORE):
What the--

HARRY:
This story's not cool…

MEMORIES:
Shoop shoo-doo…

HARRY:
It makes me so cross!

MEMORIES:
Shoop shoo-wah!

HARRY:
This novel's too full of loss
'Cause the men in my life
And I mean all the men in my life
Every single man in my life
Keeps getting killed by Lord Voldemort's minions!

MEMORIES:
Lord Voldemort's minions!
Whoooooo!

Ode to a Frustrated Dark Lord

To the tune of Ode to an Accidental Stabbing

VOLDEMORT is waiting in the forest for Harry. He's pacing impatiently, with BELLATRIX trying to calm him down. For once, she's the rational one.

VOLDEMORT:
Goddamn it, Potter!
You think you're so great!
Goddamn it, Potter!
Do I look like a bloody light-weight?

BELLATRIX:
There's still lots of time
Your ultimatum's really quite clear!

VOLDEMORT:
Well, in the future, I'd appreciate it if he could just
GET HIS ASS DOWN HERE!
Goddamn it, Potter!

BELLATRIX:
I'm sure the brat is coming…

VOLDEMORT:
He's really got me mad.

BELLATRIX:
His life's at stake…

VOLDEMORT:
Goddamn it, Potter!

BELLATRIX:
It isn't much longer…

VOLDEMORT:
He's not quick and dumb, like his dad.

BELLATRIX:
Would you like your nice Teddy snake?

VOLDEMORT:
Potter, look what you've done!
I'm nervous as hell, and I'm the Dark Lord!

BELLATRIX:
Don't be afraid. He's a kid, you will just be bored.

VOLDEMORT:
Please, Bella, get a clue!
That boy always does wriggle free!
Still, no one has shown up…

HARRY steps out from behind a tree

HARRY:
No one but me.
(spoken) Go on, Voldie.

VOLDEMORT:
Goddamn it, Potter!
(spoken) Avada Kedavra!

Do the Dark Mark Dosido

To the tune of Do the Necronomicon (begin at 2:07)

VOLDEMORT and the DEATH EATERS are standing before the steps of Hogwarts, exulting in their triumph as the spirit of their opponents breaks completely

BELLATRIX:
Now you'll follow the Dark Lord Voldemort!

YAXLEY:
Now you'll follow the Dark Lord Voldemort!

ALL:
Now you'll follow the Dark Lord Voldemort!

BELLATRIX:
Now we'll our Dark Lord Voldemort with our very own special dance!

MCGONAGALL (spoken):
Why the hell would Death Eaters do a special dance?

VOLDEMORT:
They spell we use
It goes "Morsmordre!"
So this delightful dance,
It goes much the same way

YAXLEY:
Do we whine like Warbeck?

VOLDEMORT:
Not if you want your neck.

DOLOHOV:
Do we kiss 'em like Dementors

VOLDEMORT:
That's a move I would resent, sir.

MALFOY:
Do we hiss like ringwraiths?

VOLDEMORT:
No way, Mr. Bad Faith!

GREYBACK:
Be Galbatorix's commanders!

VOLDEMORT:
No. We have standards.

ALL:
When Death Eaters wanna
Throw a real show
We get this group together
And do the Dark Mark dosido!
Do the Dark Mark dosido
Do the Dark Mark dosido
Let's go, let's go
And do the Dark Mark dosido!

VOLDEMORT:
These stupid Dumbledore fans
Couldn't be greener
Plus we're like the Daleks…

DEATH EATERS:
Who?!

VOLDEMORT:
Only meaner!

The DEATH EATERS all pull out their wands and start dancing as though under a variety of curses

ALL:
First we curse
Then we AK
Then Imperius
Takes your free will away
Crucio hits your brain
And you writhe around like you're in horrible pain!

They begin to writhe rhythmically

The Dementors
Cause depression
And then you conclude
With a Ralph Fiennes impression!

They all do their best to imitate Ralph Fiennes playing Voldemort

When Death Eaters wanna
Throw a real show
We get this group together
And do the Dark Mark dosido!
Do the Dark Mark dosido
Do the Dark Mark dosido
Let's go, let's go
And do the Dark Mark dosido!

DOLOHOV:
Can we kill these little brats?

VOLDEMORT:
I don't approve of that

BELLATRIX:
Can we torture them, my Lord?

VOLDEMORT:
Not 'til my rule's restored

YAXLEY:
Can we make them beg for death?

VOLDEMORT:
No. Don't waste your breath.

GREYBACK:
Show that Twilight flick!

VOLDEMORT:
Dude, that is just sick.
After this rhyme,
We'll outdo every crime
But before we do that,
Let's sing the chorus one more time!

ALL:
First we curse
Then we AK
Then Imperius
Takes your free will away
Crucio hits your brain
And you writhe around like you're in horrible pain!

The Dementors
Cause depression
And then you conclude
With a Ralph Fiennes impression!

When Death Eaters wanna
Throw a real show
We get this group together
And do the Dark Mark dosido!
Do the Dark Mark dosido
Do the Dark Mark dosido!

It's Time

To the tune of the same name (begin at 5:25)

HARRY, still pretending to be dead, reflects on what must happen as the Battle of Hogwarts is joined

HARRY:
It's time
For the final plot point
This book
Has now come to its final scene
It's time
To conclude with Rowling
And stop
The Scholastic Publishing cash machine.

It's time to step it up and move on
Kill Voldemort with my scar gone
Love makes me whole,
Not like his fractured soul.
Now it's time!

VOLDEMORT (spoken):
It's time, you foolish Hogwarts denizens, and not for what you'll like!
(Sung) It's time for you all to lose
I've won this fight, you missed the news
Your rebel hearts I sure will bruise
It's time, yes,
Oh, it's time!

BELLATRIX:
Time to kill little Weasleys…
You'll die!
You will die, you unwise little witch!
It's time

BELLATRIX & CHORUS OF DEATH EATERS:
Your resistance is measly!

MOLLY WEASLEY forces her way over and blasts BELLATRIX

MOLLY:
That's right!
You will not kill my daughter, you bitch!
Time
To protect
Time
To beat your sect
Time
Your plan is wrecked!
Oh, it's time!

DEATH EATERS (simultaneous with above)
Time to curse
Time to kill
Our Lord's plan
We'll fulfill
You'll be slaves
To his will!
It's time to-ooh make you all suffer
Time to-ooh make things much rougher
A bloodbath
From the Dark Lord's wrath
Oh, it's time!

VOLDEMORT
You know I will win
Where the hell have you been?
I can't die for good!
No Avada K
Will stand in my way
Have you understood?
I can duel so well
There's no light side spell
I can't battle
I'm the Big Bad
And I am quite glad
I can fight with a curse,
Not New-Agey prattle!

DEATH EATERS:
New Agey prattle!
Yeah!
It's time for you

DEATH EATERS/ORDER OF THE PHOENIX:
All to lose/We won't quit
We've won this fight,
You missed the news/Evil git
Your rebel hearts
We sure will bruise/You're full of shit!
It's time, yes,

ALL:
Oh, it's time!

I Will Never Die

To the tune of We Will Never Die (begin at 8:00)

HARRY throws off his invisibility cloak and stare defiantly at VOLDEMORT, who is shocked

VOLDEMORT (spoken)
No…no, it can't be…
You've come back to life?!
No, I killed you! I killed you, boy!
You're dead!

HARRY:
Your triumph's a lie
I will never die
Now your soul is dead!
You died twice, Lord V
But you can't kill me
Show remorse, instead!

Your Horcruxes are gone
And your skill is a lie
Use that wand of elder,
And you'll get screwed up the--

VOLDEMORT:
Die!

The two cast their respective spells and, of course, VOLDEMORT dies as menacing guitar music announces his last moments

You Beat the Final Boss

To the tune of You Blew That Bitch Away

HARRY (spoken)
So…do you kids think I deserve to be a famous hero now?

The STUDENTS and TEACHERS break into applause as individual people stand out and start singing

MCGONAGALL:
Oh, we thought that you were young and foolish

ZACHARIAS:
Thought your friends were attention-whores

CHO:
All that talk about a "Chosen person…"

EDGECOMB:
It just sounded like Star Wars.

SEAMUS:
But apparently you weren't telling lies

LUCIUS:
And no matter what your race…
The Dark Lord was killin'

DRACO and NARCISSA:
Making us be villains

MALFOYS:
'Til you zapped him in the face!

DRACO:
That's right, you saved us!

STUDENTS:
You won with love!

MCGONAGALL:
You really gave the Dark Lord Voldemort the shove!

CHO and ZACHARIAS:
Your acts amaze!

EDGECOMB:
You're the baddest boarding schooler since Tom Brown's Schooldays!

ALL:
We thought you were a lightweight
Headed for a loss
But now we see that you're a hero
And we're not so cross
Because you beat the final boss!

MALFOYS:
Yeah!

HARRY:
Well, you all ignored my past heroics
And that got me really pissed

STUDENTS:
No, no, no, yeah!

HARRY:
That's why you're all supporting roles
While I'm the book's protagonist!

STUDENTS:
Yeah yeah yeah! Oh yeah!

HARRY:
'Cause I killed the book's greatest form of evil
And everyone is glad he'll desist!

STUDENTS:
Not missed!

HARRY:
'Cause my wand

STUDENTS:
Wand!

HARRY:
And scar

STUDENTS:
Scar!

HARRY:
And love…

STUDENTS:
Go far!

HARRY:
But it beats being Dementor kissed!

STUDENTS:
You should feel pride!

HARRY:
I'll name my kids after the folks who died…

STUDENTS:
You are pure good

HARRY:
I did more awesome stuff than Frodo could!
The point that love is awesome I did get across
When I saw Death Eaters and I beat up their boss!

STUDENTS:
Beat the final boss!

MALFOY (and OTHERS):
That's right you beat…(Beat the final boss)
Beat the final bo-oss…(Beat the final boss)
You beat him with just one spell (Beat the final boss)
You sent his soul into hell!

ALL:
Beat the final boss!
We see that love is golden and the dark side's dross
And although a lot were murdered, it was worth the cost
Because you beat the final bo-oss

Beat the final boss!
Yeah!


Harry Potter the Musical(s)

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