At 12 Grimmauld Place

To the tune Shadow Waltz

SCENE: Forced to break her cover because of Mundungus Fletcher's dereliction of duty, Arabella Figg explains to Harry that the old crowd, the Order of the Phoenix, has been watching Harry's every movement to protect him

ARABELLA FIGG:
Lying by the wall
We can see you sprawl.
Here and there and ev'rywhere,
Stuck to you like glue,
Though you had no clue.
There we were,
Watching you.

From the shadows,
Safety we will bring to you.
We know Death Eaters'll take a swing at you.
Though I'm just a Squib, I know a thing or two
We will linger there,
Let the Foe beware..

In the summer
Let the Dursleys care for you,
While the Order watches ev'rywhere for you.
The old crowd takes its cue,
From the shadows, we are ever guarding you.
From the shadows, we are ever guarding you.
From the shadows,
From the shadows,
From the shadows,

From the shadows
The Dementors came for you..
They cursed Dudley when they tried to aim for you.
Even so, he tried to put the blame on you,
Your aunt was fouler;
She got a Howler.

In the summer,
There's an awful lot to do
Some of us already fought for you.
And though you never knew,
From the shadows, we will ever guard-
From the shadows, we will ever guard-
From the shadows, we are ever guarding you.

In the autumn,
We will all be leaving here,
Fear not, Harry. Seeing is believing, here.
One and all, we'll be true,
From the shadows, we are ever guarding you, hear?
From the shadows, we are ever guarding you.

A filk to the title song of the classic movie, then musical Forty-Second Street

SCENE: Auror and newer member of the Order of the Phoenix Nymphadora Tonks explains to Harry some of the things he has wanted to learn about all summer.

NYMPHADORA TONKS:
In a seedy part of London town,
You'll find a little square.
In that little square in London town,
You'll find a pied-a-terre.
A crazy quilt that P. N. Black built,
Quite Unplottable in London town,
But nonetheless it's there.

Come inside the secret base
Of the Order of the Phoenix, luv…

Mad-Eye Moody hands Harry a piece of parchment to read
while he uses the Put-Outer.

Come inside the secret base
Of the Order of the Phoenix, luv,
At 12 Grimmauld Place.
It's kept hidden just in case
The Death Eaters try to search or to spy
At 12 Grimmauld Place.

There's one feature, name of Kreacher
Lacking charm or grace
Hear him mutter like a nutter,
"Traitors to their race!"

And wall to wall, you'll love it all
Where Mundungus Fletcher hides from the chase,
At 12 Grimmauld Place.

I know you've missed Ron Weasley,
You can also see friend Hermione,
At 12 Grimmauld Place.
Hear a scream like a Banshee,
On a tapestry is the family tree,
At 12 Grimmauld Place.

By the curtain see for certain
A most unpleasant face,
And that painting keeps complaining
That we're a disgrace.

It's Mrs. Black on the attack.
One of many wonders found in this space
Unpack! Kick back! House Black's no shack!
At 12 Grimmauld Place!

A filk of Go Into Your Dance

SCENE: HARRY is at a disciplinary hearing by the Wizengamot. Despite Minister of Magic Cornelius Oswald Fudge's and his Senior Undersecretary, Dolores Jane Umbridge's attempts to keep the hearing focused on Harry's offenses against the Decree for the Reasonable Restriction of Underage Sorcery, the head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement, Madam Amelia Susan Bones, appears more interested in Harry's ability to conjure a Patronus.

HARRY:
One! Two! Dementors!
Gave us a melancholy case of the blues,
I had a remedy at hand.
If I would save my cousin from their abuse,
Then I had to use my wand.

We would'a been singin' a sad and blue song,

MADAM BONES:
Go show us your spell.

HARRY:
Unless I'd learned how to sing that new song,

MADAM BONES:
Go show us your spell.

It's a big deal; you're very young.
If corporeal, it really must have stung.

HARRY:
To put off sorrow until tomorrow,
I showed 'em my spell;
I heard 'em wailing their frightening chorus,
I showed 'em my spell;
I cast it first in Forbidden Forest,
I showed 'em my spell.

MADAM BONES:
You cast Patronus, I'd love a look,
And there's a bonus; you might get off the hook!
A raw beginner can be a winner,
Just you give 'em hell,
Take your wand and
Go show us your-

Madam Bones is interrupted by a tapping sound from Dolores Umbridge.

UMBRIDGE:
You cast Patronus, that you admit,
And there's the onus; the crime that you did commit!
You are a minor, don't be a whiner,
Yes, you cast that spell
Brake your wand and
Throw you in a cell.

MADAM BONES (with a frosty look over at the source of the interruption):
A raw beginner can be a winner,
And all will be well,
Take your wand and
Go show us your-
Go show us your-

The cacophony of tapping by Umbridge has become so loud that it disrupts any further proceedings of the disciplinary hearing, which is adjourned. Harry subsequently learns that he has been exonerated.

A filk of Young and Healthy

SCENE: Lucius Malfoy boasts of his general evilness, his status among the old wizarding families, and the leverage it gives him on such needy politicians as Cornelius Fudge.

LUCIUS MALFOY:
I hate the masses of humanity,
Wish they all would die;
It offends my sense of pure urbanity,
Whenever they pass by.
I will juggle any Muggle,
Give a Dementor's kiss;
I'll curse and drive them to insanity,
And then I'll tell them this:

I'm very wealthy,
My family old,
We have servants by the score,
With house-elves and more to scold.
I'm very wealthy,
My status high;
Everybody thinks we're swell,
Can't believe we'll tell a lie.

Oh, how I hate "yuh,"
You are so dumb.
The Muggle lovers
And all the Mudbloods are scum, chum!

[Spoken]
My Lord! We have done it!

LORD VOLDEMORT:
Done what!?!

LUCIUS MALFOY:
The Minister is ours!

I'm very wealthy,
Own lots of land,
And I've got Fudge where I love:
Right in the palm of my hand
I'm very wealthy,
Have lots of gold;
Gave Fudge some, but not a lot.
Fudge will do just what he's told.

Oh, how I hate "yuh,"
You are so dumb.
The Muggle lovers
And all the Mudbloods are scum, chum!

I'm very wealthy,
And full of scorn;
For Weasleys or anyone
Who's not to the Manor born.

This is a filk of the song of the same name

SCENE: Now that Harry has bankrolled them, Fred and George Weasley have developed their Skiving Snackboxes and their Weasleys' Wildfire Whiz-bangs, and have opened for business-funny business.

FRED:
We got 'em

SIXTH-YEAR CUSTOMER:
How much are they?

GEORGE:
Oh, twenty Galleons.

CUSTOMER:
Not the Deflagration Deluxe, just the Basic Blaze box.

GEORGE:
Well, five!

FRED:
We're in the money,
We're in the money,
We think that full-time education we've outgrown.

GEORGE:
We'd love some money,
Pay us the money;
And have a Wildfire Whiz-Bang of your very own.

FRED and GEORGE:
We've perfected our Wheezes,
Each teases with glee …
And now you all can buy 'em
At Diagon Alley, Ninety-Three.

We're in the money
Just buy some, sonny,
Ignite 'em, light 'em,
Quite a glorious sight!

FRED:
We're in the money,
We're in the money;
We've got the merchandise if you have got the gall!

GEORGE:
Don't cost much money,
These jokes are funny;
Every one guaranteed for laughs, they'll never pall!

FRED and GEORGE:
We've perfected our Wheezes,
Each teases with glee …
Now one and all can buy 'em
At Diagon Alley, Ninety-Three.
Look below our big marquee.
Buy one Snackbox, get one free.

We're in the money
The sky is sunny.
Be brash, don't stash your cash, no,
Don't stash that cash, let's flash it
Buying, buying,
Buying from us!

A filk to the song of the same name

SCENE: DADA Professor Dolores Umbridge remarks on how many detentions Harry Potter has incurred in so short a time.

DOLORES UMBRIDGE:
I don't know exactly why you shouted,
But you shouted so loud;
I thought sending you to your Head of House
Would make you less proud.
But now I realize that you could never let it go,
And I'm bound to tell you so. (hem, hem)

Ev'ry class, I surmise
That you just keep telling lies;
You're getting to be a habit with me.

Despite tears, despite cries,
Your behavior I'll chastise;
You're getting to be a habit with me.

I used to think your behavior I could fix
By sheer force of my will,
But now I know that you must feel the pricks
Of my special black quill.

Oh, you can't break away.
I must have you ev'ry day
To teach you to speak the truth properly.

. I've got you in detention
And you can't break free.
You're getting to be a habit with me.

Oh, you can't break away.
I must have you ev'ry day
To teach you to speak the truth properly.

I've got you in detention
And you can't break free.
You're getting to be a habit with me.

This is a filk of the song A Funny Side To Ev'ry Situation

SCENE: Hermione is trying to explain to Harry how girls think, and why they do the things they do.

HERMIONE:
Sing tra la la la la la la la,
Another girl will come your way,
Sing tra la la la la la la la,
Believe me when I say …

On this Valentine's Day,
You made some mistakes and now you'll pay,
That's the final end of Cho's infatuation,
And the same applies to you,
So you shouldn't feel so blue,
At the final end of Cho's infatuation.

When she spoke about Ced,
And how sad she was that he was dead,
All you had to do was show commiseration.
When she said go and see me
Should've smiled and stayed for tea.
Cho's infatuation has come to an end.

Sing tra la la la la la la la,
A girl may smile at you and wink,
But tra la la la la la la la,
They don't say what they think …

When they say they don't care
It's like sending up a bright red flare
It's a sign they want to see your adoration.
So, when Cho said you should go,
That's the time you holler, "No!"
Cho's infatuation has come to an end.
Cho's infatuation has come to an end.

This is a filk of the song Quarter To Nine

SCENE: The new Divination Professor, Firenze, explains to his class why he doesn't set much store by teacups, pink or blue, palmistry, or the crystal ball, and relies almost exclusively on Astrology.

FIRENZE:
Divinations I can find high up in the night sky,
Oracles to help answer the question, "Why?"
From morning until twilight,
My talent doesn't thrive,
But I know it gets dark at eight forty-five..

The stars are gonna twinkle and shine
This evening,
About a quarter to nine.
The planets, too
Are gonna give us the sign
Above us, and we'll the future divine.

I know I won't be late,
'Cause at half past eight
I'm gonna hurry there.
I'll be waitin' for the show to start,
Waitin' for foreknowledge to impart.
And then a prophecy'll be mine,
This evening, we will the future divine.

I know I won't be late,
'Cause at half past eight
I'm gonna hurry there.
I'll await the signs of revelations,
Nebulas, stars and constellations.
To help the time-to-come to define,
This evening, we will the future divine..

A filk to the song Shuffle Off to Buffalo

SCENE: Dobby has warned Harry that Dolores Umbridge and her Inquisitorial Squad are racing to the Room of Requirement to trap Dumbledore's Army. Harry tells everybody to scatter. For some reason Ernie Macmillan, Justin Finch-Fletchley, Hannah Abbot, Zacharias Smith and Susan Bones find themselves running away together. There appears to be a disagreement about which course to pursue.

ERNIE MACMILLAN:
Now that the Dragon dung's hit the fan,
The die is cast.

JUSTIN FINCH-FLETCHLEY:
We must run and hide as best we can
Pretty darn fast.
Now that Umbridge has come,
We have to keep mum
Until all the danger has passed.

ZACHARIAS SMITH:
If we don't begin this journey
We'll be needing an attorney
Let's leave all our stuff.

HANNAH ABBOT, JUSTIN and SUSAN BONES:
Mm mm mm...
Off we better shuffle,
Shuffle off to Hufflepuff.

ZACHARIAS:
Let's go run to the Library,
Madam Pince can't be that scary
We've all had enough.

HANNAH, JUSTIN and SUSAN:
Ooh ooh ooh!
Off, we'd better shuffle,
Shuffle off to Hufflepuff.

ZACHARIAS:
The High Inquisitor will catch us
I hope that I have made that clear.
Her black quill is gonna scratch us
If we don't hurry out of here.

To the Owlery we must bail,
Even though we have no mail,
We'll just have to bluff.

HANNAH, JUSTIN and SUSAN:
Ooh!
No, we gotta shuffle,
Shuffle off to Hufflepuff.

ZACHARIAS:
At the kitchen they won't mind us,
And I'll bet she'll never find us
If we just hang tough.

HANNAH, JUSTIN and SUSAN:
Mm mm mm...
No, we gotta shuffle,
Shuffle off to Hufflepuff.

ZACHARIAS:
If we travel at our top speed
We'd get all the way to Hogsmeade;
It won't be that rough.

HANNAH, JUSTIN and SUSAN:
Ooh ooh ooh!
No, we gotta shuffle,
Shuffle off to Hufflepuff.

ZACHARIAS:
Guys, I don't quite understand you.
I will not tell you twice.
She is sure to apprehend you
Unless you all take my advice.

You must follow me to a man.
I've a well thought-out escape plan,
It's not off the cuff.

HANNAH, JUSTIN and SUSAN:
Ooh!
No, we better shuffle,
Shuffle off to Hufflepuff.

ERNIE:
Zacharias, how you try us,
Now we really gotta fly, as
You're just talking guff.
So, come on and shuffle
Shuffle off to Hufflepuff

When she knows as much as we know
She'll take ev'ry step to see no
Student lacks of woe.
Let's escape the scuffle,
Shuffle off to Hufflepuff!

For all their bickering, the Hufflepuffs seem to have made it back to their common room without incident. Unfortunately, Harry wasn't quite so lucky.

This is a filk of the song Gettin' Out of Town

SCENE: Fred and George Weasley realize that they have learned all they are going to learn at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, and want to leave in style.

FRED::
We're grabbin' our hats and cloaks.

GEORGE:
We're leavin' this place for jokes.

BOTH:
But not without one last hoax.
Gettin' out of school.

FRED:
We'll make a big hullabaloo
Before we bid fond adieu,
Just ask that git Montague.
Gettin' out of school.

GEORGE:
Fiery dragons of green and gold;
Pink Catherine Wheels behold;
Down the corridors they rolled.
Filch and Umbridge were aghast.
Weasleys' Wildfire Whiz-Bangs last!
Gettin' out of school.

BOTH: Peeves flies by. He's sayin' bye, bye,
And we're shoutin', "Accio!"
Brooms coming while we wreck the plumbing.
Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!

FRED:
As we left this prison camp
We made a Portable Swamp.
School corridor sure was damp.
Gettin' out of school.

BOTH:
Peeves flies by. He's sayin' bye, bye,
And we're shoutin', "Accio!"
Brooms coming while we wreck the plumbing.
Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!
Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!

A new kind of company,
We're goona be bourgeoisie.
We're footloose and fancy free.
Gettin' out of school.

This is a filk of the song Dames

SCENE: Harry has learned some new and uncomfortable information about his father. His question below is posed in turn to two of his father's classmates at Hogwarts, Severus Snape and Sirius Black, with rather different answers.

HARRY:
Who was my father, really,
Who fought against the Foe?
No one says, so I don't know.
Is he the handsome hero,
As ev'rybody claims?
But I don't care if he is or not,
Just want to learn a lot 'bout James!

SNAPE:
Why be offensive,
Look in my Pensieve?
Tell the truth
He was all brag and swaggering, James.
Do snoop extensive;
Be comprehensive.
Learn all you can 'bout
Drunk and staggering James.
Oh! James played nasty tricks and games on me.
James, the one that Lily blames,
Not me!

But his excesses
Clearly distresses,
Anyone of us who ran afoul of your James.

HARRY:
Sorry to bother,
But he's my father.
Tell the truth
I need to find out all about James.
You're still resenting
All the tormenting
At the hands of Sirius
And his blood brother, James.
Oh! James is where your envy aims, Snivelly?
James, who dated all the dames,
Didn't he?

SIRIUS:
How nice to show up,
But please don't blow up
Tell the truth
He was an adolescent, was James.
He was a young pup,
But he did grow up
Into one great Auror,
Incandescent was James.
Your father James
Brings honors wealth and fames to you.
James, you only know his names,
Do you?

Proud and all, Harry,
Ever contrary,
He played Chaser, and a varsity letter had-
And never really was a cad.
No son could have a better dad.
James, James, James, James,
James, James, James, James-
James!

A filk to the tune of The Lullaby of Broadway

SCENE: The Forbidden Forest. Harry is anxious to go with Ron and Hermione to rescue his godfather from Lord Voldemort, but is reluctant to include Ginny, Luna or Neville.

HARRY:[Spoken]
I'm sorry that your help isn't for me. I'm goin' back there all alone!

NEVILLE:
What was it you you've just said, "All alone?"
We were all in the D.A. together, and this is the first chance
We've had to do something real, and you say: "All alone?"

NEVILLE, LUNA & GINNY:
We'll come along and hurry to
The Department of Mysteries.
All the rest of the D.A. too,
The Department of Mysteries.
We want to help fight You-Know-Who,
We want to see him cursed.
We know what we're getting into,
We haven't been coerced.

HARRY:
When those Death Eaters "A.K." recite,
They really aren't kidding.
If you get hit by that green light,
It means you're gone.
Hang on, Padfoot,
Hang on, though you're on your knees.
Hold tight, Padfoot,
Hold tight, Harry hears your pleas,
He'll fly to the Department of Mysteries..

NEVILLE, LUNA and GINNY:
Come on and let us all go to
The Department of Mysteries.
The three of you are far too few,
For Department of Mysteries.

We've trained hard for the main event,
We're certain they can't harm us.
We've practiced our Impediment-
A and Expelliarmus

HARRY:
Hush! I can't believe I'm hearin' this;
You don't know what you're sayin'.
If you get a Dementor's Kiss
Your soul will freeze:
Hold on, Snuffles,
Hold on, try not to appease.
Hang tight, Snuffles,
Hang tight, Harry's sure that he's
Comin' to the Department of Mysteries.

NEVILLE, LUNA and GINNY:
Come on Harry, we cannot wait,
The Department of Mysteries
Is far away, and if we get there late
Poor Sirius is history.
The rumble of the Thestrals' wings,
Shows how to do the rescue.
Now, Harry, we can see those things,
But how about Ron?
Hang on, Sirius.
Hang on, we're all on our way.

HARRY: (spoken)
Let's do it!

NEVILLE, LUNA, GINNY, RON AND HERMIONE:
[Cheers!]

ALL:(Singing)
Come on along-
Come on along we're goin' to
The Department of Mysteries.
The Death Eaters are good as through.
The Department of Mysteries.
Our band will fly to London town,
And ev'ryone is ready.
We'll knock all the Dark Wizards down.
They'll rue the day!
Hurry to the Department of
Mysteries!

The contingent of Dumbledore's Army mounts their Thestrals and set off for London.