Evilly Conned

A Prisoner of Azkaban musical by SchmergoWeasley based on Legally Blonde The Musical: Potterized

ACT ONE

Merlin's Pants
Time To Get Sirius
What He Wants
Hogwarts Variations
What's In The Tea Leaves?
Riddikulus
Chocolate
Chocolate Reprise
Sirius Reprise
Chip On My Shoulder
So Much Madder

ACT TWO

No Chance of Escape
Escape From Azkaban
Marauder's Map/Shrieking Shack
There, Right There!
Evilly Conned
Evilly Conned Remix
Find My Way/Finale

ACT ONE

1. Merlin's Pants

To the tune of Omigod, You Guys

HERMIONE: (writing to Ron)
Dear Ron, you’re a lucky guy
Egypt all July?
Fill me in on whatever you see.

ARTHUR’S ASSOCIATES:
Well done on your Galleon draw
You deserved it more
Than I did, and between you and me
The whole darn Ministry!

BILL:
Dear Dad, this is brilliant news
And who would refuse
This great chance to come down and see me?
I’ll show you the famous sights
Are you scared of heights?
‘Cos I wish you and mum could come see
Egypt comprehensively!

ARTHUR’S ASSOCIATES:
Merlin’s beard, oh my Godric, guys
Looks like Weasley just won the prize.
If there was a most deserving family
Arthur’s qualifies
Oh my Godric, guys!

PERKINS:
Merlin’s beard, out of all those bids
Our own Art, and his seven kids
Soon will be on holiday and won’t have to economize
Oh my Godric, guys!

At the Dursleys’

PETUNIA:
Okay, furniture’s in line
Everything looks fine
For Aunt Marge—

HARRY:
Why does she have to come?

VERNON: (Snatching Hogmeade permission form)
Be silent and toe the line
Or I’ll never sign.
Fix your hair, boy, you look like a bum
Like your worthless dad and mum!

PETUNIA:
Shhhh!

VERNON AND PETUNIA:
Oh good heavens, oh dear, oh no.
That boy best keep his temper low.
If there was a place that we could dump him
That’s where he would go.
Oh dear lord, oh no!

VERNON:
Boy, I’m serious!

PETUNIA:
He and Marge don’t see eye to eye.

DUDLEY:
Every year, Ripper makes him cry!

HARRY:
Shut up!
Her dog chased me up a tree and I still have the scars to show
Merlin’s pants, oh no!

PETUNIA:
2-3-4!
Everyone, even you
Soon Marge is dropping by
I don’t want déjà vu
Of last year’s violet pie.
Make her a large rich meal
Pour brandy, set out food
This time when Marge says ‘heel!’
Try not to be so rude.

VERNON:
If you don’t hold your tongue
Or think before you speak
You’ll surely end up flung
Into your room for this whole week!

PETUNIA AND VERNON:
Oh good heavens, oh dear, oh—

PETUNIA:
She’s here!

Aunt Marge bursts in. Her dog, Ripper, barks.

MARGE:
Ripper, what’s that? You think that wretched boy hasn’t turned out any better since you last saw him? You say he’s a complete waste of life? He’s lucky that Vernon and Petunia saw fit to raise him after his parents died? Drunk, I suppose?

POOF! She inflates and screams hysterically.

HARRY:
Oh my Godric, that wasn’t wise
Marge blew up to three times her size
I’d better take off now
While Aunt Marge takes off into the skies.

MARGE:
Let me down
Let me down
Let me down
Let me down
Right now!

Harry runs for it.

HARRY:
This mess will get me expelled!
And based on what they yelled
I’m not welcome back at Privet Drive.
Can’t go anywhere from here
No one I know is near
What do I do? How do I survive?
Will I make it out alive?

Harry sees a giant black dog and falls over. But before he can investigate, The Knight Bus pulls up.

STAN:
Welcome to the Knight Bus. My name is Stan Shunpike, and I will be your conductor. We—what choo doin’ down there for?

HARRY:
Fell over. STAN:
What choo fall over for?

HARRY:
I didn’t mean to.

STAN:
Well, come on then!

HARRY:
Merlin’s pants, oh my Godric, guys…

STAN:
For firteen Sickles, you get ‘ot chocolate, and for fifteen, you get an ‘ot water bottle and a toofbrush in the color of your choice!

HARRY:
That black dog with its lamplike eyes…

STAN:
This ‘ere’s Ern, our driver!

Ernie:
Er.

Ernie spits.

HARRY:
I’ll pretend I’m Neville and I’ll hope they can’t see through my lies!

FUDGE:
Merlin’s beard, dear boy!
I was worried sick.
Come with me now, quick.

HARRY:
Oh, I knew it, they’re kicking me out!

FUDGE:
It’s not as if your aunt died.
Now, please, come inside
I don’t want you wandering about.
If you need me, give a shout.

Shows Harry into the Leaky Cauldron, where he sees Ron and Hermione.

HARRY:
Merlin’s pants, Ron! Hermione!
You’re the last ones I thought I’d see.
I blew up my aunt and ran away--
What a catastrophe!

HERMIONE:
Merlin’s pants, Harry!

HARRY, RON, AND HERMIONE:
Merlin’s pants, oh my Godric, guys!
This is all a complete surprise.
But if there ever was a perfect trio, this one qualifies.

HARRY:
Cause I love you two!

RON AND HERMIONE:
No, man, we love you!

HARRY:
Merlin’s pants!

RON AND HERMIONE:
Merlin’s pants!

HARRY, RON, AND HERMIONE:
Merlin’s pants, it’s true!
…Merlin’s pants!

2. Time To Get Sirius

To the tune of Serious

Fudge has just hired Rufus Scrimgeour as the new Head Auror. Scrimgeour is keen to make a good impression on the minister and is excited to catch Black.

FUDGE:
We both know why you’re here
I see it in your eyes.

SCRIMGEOUR:
Sirius Black, I fear?

FUDGE:
Oh good, it’s not a surprise.
I thought a year or two
Locked away inside that zoo
Would leave him brain dead
Those things always do.
But now he’s got away…

SCRIMGEOUR:
And we’ve got to catch him today!

FUDGE:
Well, here’s the plan now, Rufus.
So Rufus, please lend me a hand
Because before the day’s through
I want him in Azkaban
It’s time to get Sirius
It’s time to get Sirius with you.

SCRIMGEOUR:
I never thought that he…

FUDGE:
Er, Rufus… I’m not finished.

SCRIMGEOUR:
Sorry!

FUDGE (with SCRIMGEOUR riffing and humming in the background)
Since I was twenty-three
My job’s made me complete.
I thought the Ministry
Could never meet with defeat.
A big black dog was seen
Swimming through the Northern Sea
And then the news—

FUDGE AND SCRIMGEOUR:
“Sirius Black Got Free!”

FUDGE:
That’s where our jobs begin…

SCRIMGEOUR:
Our jobs begin!

FUDGE:
Much to my great chagrin.

SCRIMGEOUR:
Count me in!

FUDGE:
Let me explain now, Rufus.
So Rufus, lend me a hand…

SCRIMGEOUR:
As I planned, as I planned.

FUDGE:
Because before the day’s through…

SCRIMGEOUR:
Oh yes, before the day’s through!

FUDGE:
We’ll put him in Azkaban

SCRIMGEOUR:
Oh yes, I understand!

BOTH:
It’s time to get Sirius
Time to catch Sirius—

SCRIMGEOUR:
With you!
Sirius!

FUDGE:
Sirius!

SCRIMGEOUR:
Gotta grab him before he kills ‘em!
Sirius!

FUDGE:
Sirius!

SCRIMGEOUR:
Telling you as a future M.O.M!

FUDGE:
Uh-huh! We have to nab the guy
Or who knows who will die?
Rufus, that’s why you and I…
Should give up!

SCRIMGEOUR:
Cornelius, I’ll lend you a hand… wait...WHAT?
You want to stop looking for him? I thought you were… putting me in charge of the chase?

FUDGE:
Sirius…
He’d kill us all before you knew it.
Sirius
Safer to let Dementors do it.
Mere men are just no match
He escaped without a scratch
He’s one man we’ll never catch.

SCRIMGEOUR:
Shut up.

FUDGE:
Oh, Rufus, this is the plan.
There’s nothing more we can do.
They’ll put him in Azkaban.
Leave them to get Sirius
It’s time they get Sirius…

SCRIMGEOUR (stiffly):
I see.

3. What He Wants

To the tune of What You Want

Harry overhears the Weasleys talking about how Sirius Black is after him.

HARRY:
Wait a second, this is what he wants! Not just Sirius, his boss Voldemort. He’s not going to stop until I’m dead. So this was the big brilliant plan…

ARTHUR:
What we wants, Molly, is the boy, it’s true
And it’s up to you and me to tell Harry so.
We can’t wait, Molly, though, dear, it’s upsetting
We can’t risk him getting hurt
It’s time he should know.

He’ll look for him at Hogwarts, with a wand in his hand
Big scary wand
When Harry’s gone
He won’t stop there, understand?
And right now, here’s what we’ve got to do
Tell him, “Harry, Black is really after you.”

CHORUS:
What he wants!

ARTHUR:
Loud and clear

CHORUS:
What he wants!

ARTHUR:
I fear

CHORUS:
What he wants is to come capture you, capture you!

Fudge is working on sending the Dementors to Hogwarts to capture Sirius.

FUDGE:
Step one, he’s off for Hogwarts now--
Black’s heading for there, too.
Step two, put Black under arrest
Dementor’s kiss to see it through.
Step three—we have a big press conference
Show the Prophet, prove it’s true.

SCRIMGEOUR:
That’s great, nice plan, now can we think this through? He got away from Dementors before, what makes you think you can do this?

FUDGE:
Love! I’m doing this for love!
I need the public’s trust.
To get love on my side, it’s a must
I don’t get them too fussed.
It’s safer, see, to just
Downplay the fiend’s bloodlust.

SCRIMGEOUR:
Just as we discussed—
What you want Minister’s no easy plan
And since he’s the man
Who escaped from Azkaban.
Don’t you see, first, before he gets up north
It’s clear he’ll just stride forth
And turn more Muggles to dust.
We’ll need that killer pronto
Or do not even dream
Of being here
This time next year
As Minister—so get the theme?

FUDGE:
Uh… no?

SCRIMGEOUR:
Too bad, someone will stage a coup
And they’ll take your job right out from under you.

CHORUS:
What you want

FUDGE:
Yes, I know!

CHORUS:
What you want

FUDGE:
Even so!

CHORUS:
Wait ‘till Black is right in front of you
Front of you!
What you want

SCRIMGEOUR:
I say, no!

CHORUS:
What you want

SCRIMGEOUR:
Way to go…

CHORUS:
Wait ‘till Black is right in front of you
Front of you!

SECURITY HEAD OF AZKABAN:
I don’t understand, Azkaban is for crazy, evil, desperate people, and Black, mind you, is all of those things.

FUDGE:
What?

SECURITY HEAD OF AZKABAN:
What you want, Minister, just say the word!
But what you want’s absurd
And costs a whole lot of dough.
And heck, why, Fudge, put him back in the pen?
He’ll just escape again!
How ‘bout a nice hanging? No?
Yes, the prison is awful, but that’s just there he thrives.
It’s cold and dark
The rest are barking mad
But somehow Black survives it!
Look, Fudge, it just won’t work, I fear
Tell me why you want to put him back in here?

Love! Dementors suck out love!
Please, Minister, beware.
Can you live knowing that’s what they’ll do
To students at the school?
If they are stationed there?

FUDGE:
Fine, okay, just send them over, I don’t care.

CHORUS:
What they want

SECURITY HEAD:
If you’re sure…

CHORUS:
What they want

SECURITY HEAD:
Here’s the door.

CHORUS:
What they want is love inside of you, side of you.

Harry, Ron, and Hermione are boarding the Hogwarts Express.

RON:
Hey, everybody, this year we get to go to Hogsmeade!

HARRY:
Not for me. I didn’t get my form signed.

RON:
What you want, you wanna drink Butterbeer so sweet and warm
What they want, they want you studyin’, stuck inside your dorm.
What you want, you wanna explore with us, check out this place--

HERMIONE:
What they want? They’re keeping you safe!

HARRY:
I even asked Fudge. Not good enough. I guess I’ll try again, ask McGonagall or something.

RON:
What you want, you wanna be walking down the Hogsmeade streets
What you want, you wanna be trying Honeydukes’ best sweets.
What they want, they want you bored when all your friends are gone—

HERMIONE:
What they want--- what’s that? Hold on!

The train stops, everything goes dark and creepy, Harry freaks out as a Dementor makes its way into the compartment.

HERMIONE:
This isn’t normal… what’s going on—Harry, no!

DEMENTOR:
What we want, we wanna be breathin’ in your very soul
What we want, we wanna be swallowin’ up your insides whole.
What you want, you wanna ignore your friends and just give in
What you want, you wanna let us drink up like gin.
What we want, we wanna turn you into an empty shell
What we want, we wanna put you underneath our spell.
What you want, you wanna stop hearing your mummy scream
What you want is wake up from this bad dream.

HARRY (Simultaneously with Dementor):
Love, my mum did this for love
And that’s how love survives
Stop it—whoa—I said no! Go away!
It’s like an awful play
That catastrophic day…
I heard my mother say…

RON:
Hey mate, you’re alive!

HERMIONE:
Oh, Harry’s alive!

HARRY:
No way, I’m alive!

CHORUS:
Yes, Harry’s alive! Yes, Harry’s alive!

LUPIN:
Harry, those creatures are called Dementors. They are the guards of Azkaban. Some people are more affected than others. I think I’m going to go speak to the drivers.

CHORUS:
What they want

LUPIN:
This can’t be!

CHORUS:
What they want

LUPIN:
Security!

CHORUS:
What they want is love inside of you, side of you.
What they want is—

HERMIONE:
(Peering at Harry) How are you?

HARRY:
I’m what he wants, people
What Black wants is me.
And I just don’t see
Why that’s how it’s got to be.

RON:
Harry!

HARRY:
This is what my life’s become
Every bad guy tries to come
To Hogwarts for me.

But the story’s confusing
And so much does not fit.
How’d he get free?
Why’d he choose me?
It makes no sense—you must admit
That HP’s among the chosen few
That horrible and weird stuff happens to.

LUPIN:
Now see, Dementors, you can’t just barge in here and attack the students! I know you’re looking for Black, but I still don’t see one reason why you should be at Hogwarts.

The train starts up again.

LUPIN (Quietly, to himself):
What about Black?
You ever talked to Black?
‘Cause if you have, you’ll know
That he’ll never accept a defeat
No challenge he can’t meet
No place he cannot go.
And he’s so clever, Black.
I thought he was my friend
Don’t say that I’m naïve
Cause even a person who’s smart
Can be fooled by their heart
And traitors who deceive…
Deceive you and make you believe….

Lupin comes back into the compartment with chocolate.

LUPIN:
Who wants a piece?

HARRY:
I do!

LUPIN:
Who wants a piece?

RON:
Me, too!

LUPIN:
I find it helps such things, don’t you?

CONDUCTOR:
Welcome to Hogwarts!

CHORUS:
What you want

HARRY:
We’re here!

CHORUS:
What you want

HARRY:
Third year!

CHORUS:
What you want is right in front of you
Front of you
What you want

LUPIN:
How time flies…

CHORUS:
What you want

LUPIN:
Lily’s eyes…

CHORUS:
What you want is right in front of you, front of you
What want, what you want, what you want…

4. Hogwarts Variations

To the tune of Harvard Variations

PERCY:
Hello, I’m Head Boy Percy Weasley. Welcome to the hallowed halls of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry! I think I ought to share a bit about myself.

I’m Head Boy, Prefect, got twelve OWLs
I’ve earned my share of jealous scowls.
Though I still wear robes Bill’s outgrown
Soon I’ll have mansions of my own.
Some say that I’m a pompous git
Somehow, they don’t faze me a bit.
Ask my girlfriend, Penelope—
This is the perfect place for me.

DUMBLEDORE:
Yes, thank you, Percy, take a seat.
Welcome to Hogwarts
Now, let’s eat!

LUPIN:
I’m Professor Remus John Lupin—though some have called me Moony.
At my old job,
I earned a mint
But I got sacked
When one coworker dropped a hint.
But here I hope
I’ll make my name
Not be chased out
By angry mobs, pitchforks aflame.
Come inside, class, please take a seat
Welcome to Hogwarts—

MALFOY:
Draco Malfoy!
My dad said, “Send him overseas
To get Durmstrang Dark Arts degrees
And learn a host of nasty spells
In Russian and Chinese.”
But mum said, “Lucius, that’s so far
We ought to keep him where we are!”
So I came here, where all the teachers gape at Potter’s scar.

LUPIN:
Yes, thank you, Draco, take a—

MALFOY:
But Dumbledore’s a sorry hack
And this whole country’s out of whack
And all the Purebloods need to wisen up and take it back.
We’ll make the Ministry come clean
Deck out the world silver and green
And really beat up all the worthless Mudblood scum like Dean!

HARRY:
Hey, do you know where I can find Divination with Professor Trelawney?

LUPIN:
It’s in the north tower, up there, second staircase on the left.

HARRY:
Thanks!

PROFESSORS:
Ahhh! Ahhh! This is the perfect place for me!
Come inside, class, please take a seat
Welcome to Hogwarts…

SNAPE:
(Sneering at Lupin) Hmm!

LUPIN:
Merlin’s pants, Snape! I totally forgot you teach here!

5. What's In The Tea Leaves?

To the tune of Blood In The Water

TRELAWNEY:
Now, when you choose to take this class
The moment you begin.
There’s many jokes you’re bound to hear
About the eye within.
Ignore them, they’re simplistic and untrue.
Just a few of you will have the gift, a few.
To those who do…

Our topic is, what’s in the tea leaves?
Yes, it’s time you faced
Book-learning’s a waste
Oh yes, unless you’ve acquired a taste
For what’s in the tea leaves
Do not be misled!
Now drain them and swill
Your cup’s dregs until
You see what lies ahead.

(spoken) Mr. Longbottom, is your grandmother well?

NEVILLE:
I… I think so…?

TRELAWNEY:
I wouldn’t be so sure. Incidentally, Miss Patil, beware a redheaded man. Miss Brown, the thing you dread? It will happen on Friday the sixteenth of October.

RON:
Let’s see, what is this kind of lumpy blob there?
Could be an acorn… no, a bowler hat!
The kind Fudge wears—perhaps you’ll get a job there?
Here’s an animal—a hippo? Sheep? A cat?

TRELAWNEY:
Wrong! This one is all too clear, in fact, it’s easy.
It’s a falcon—deadly enemies, my dear.
What you though a bowler hat or acorn, Weasley,
Is actually a club—danger is near.
Look for what’s in the tea leaves
Read what they convey.
Never throw away
Dregs without consulting what they have to say.
Yes, what’s in the tea leaves…
What was that I just saw…?

Collapsing down into an armchair

No… my dear boy… I think it better not to tell what I have seen. It is… an omen… of death!

My boy, I feel there’s no point in pretending
Your tea cup proves your death looms close ahead.
My dear boy, you have the Grim
And once anyone sees him
Before very long at all, they wind up dead.

HARRY:
If you’re all finished deciding if I’m going to die or not!

TRELAWNEY:
My dear, no need to act so tough.

She shakes her head.

Sad… sad… class dismissed.

HARRY:
But…

Switch to Hagrid’s Care of Magical Creatures class.

HAGRID:
So—hippogriffs! See, eye contact offends ‘em
Hard to ride ‘em, though, unless yeh risk the worst.
So the best way ter do that is ter befriend ‘em
Let ‘im see yeh bow before ‘im… well, who’s first?

MALFOY:
Oh, what’s the point! I have a billion Galleon trust fund!
And my dad will see you fired by next year.
Your class is a bloody joke.
Once my dad and Fudge have spoke
You can say goodbye to your teaching career.
Do you follow me?

HAGRID (Ignoring Malfoy):
I wanna see… yeh!

Harry is brought forward, facing the hippogriff. He looks terrified, but the superstitious class, remembering his death omen, are even more frightened.

CHORUS:
What’s in the tea leaves?

HAGRID:
Exac’ly, show ‘im some respect!

CHORUS:
Hmmmm….

NEVILLE:
Don’t expose your neck!

CHORUS:
Hmmmmm…

HAGRID:
Oh, great, real great! Now genuflect!
If ‘e refuses
He’ll bite an’ scratch an’ claw!

Harry flies off successfully on Buckbeak and the class cheers. When he lands, Hagrid sees Malfoy approaching the hippogriff.

HAGRID:
Yeh, Mr., er…

MALFOY:
Malfoy. Draco Malfoy.

HAGRID:
Oh yeh, I remember yer.

MALFOY (Goes up to Buckbeack and carelessly pats him):
This is very easy. I bet you’re not dangerous at all, are you? Are you, you great ugly brute?

Buckbeak takes a chunk out of his arm and all heck breaks loose.

MALFOY:
Aaaargh! I’m dying! I’m dying!

HAGRID:
Yer not dyin’!

The next day, in Snape’s class, Malfoy is wearing a theatrical sling and forcing Harry to dice his Potions ingredients for him while he whines to Professor Snape.

MALFOY:
Professor? Imagine, sir, you teach a class at Hogwarts.
A position that you’re justly proud about.
But a student your first day
Is badly hurt—what do you say?
Should you let it go, or…

SNAPE:
No, I’d throw him out.

MALFOY:
All right then! You’ll hear from father
That thing should be killed
We’ll cut its throat!

HARRY:
Just watch him gloat!
Malfoy’s got guts
Wish they were spilled.

MALFOY:
My blood’s in the paddock
Next it’s its blood we’ll draw.
When that thing’s expired
We’ll see Hagrid’s fired
Or is that unfair?
Oh, wait, I don’t care!
That’s just how I roll
I reach every goal
Through fear and shock and awe.
There’s nothing to do!

STUDENTS:
What’s in the tea leaves?

MALFOY:
I’ve just destroyed you!

STUDENTS:
What’s in the tea leaves?

MALFOY:
Now, time to face the law!

STUDENTS:
What’s in the tea leaves?

MALFOY:
Go face the law!

6. Riddikulus

To the tune of Positive

HARRY:
Neville, what you crying for?
Snape’s a filthy, spiteful boor.
Someone should tell Dumbledore
Why is he so rude?

LUPIN:
Here’s a boggart I’ve acquired
It’s high time the thing expired.
Cheer up, chin up
All that’s required’s
A happy attitude!

Say Riddikulus!
He’ll resemble your worst fear
But say Riddikulus!
And you’ll soon be grinning ear to ear.
You can beat him in a fight
If you laugh with all your might.
Simply recite
Riddikulus!

ALL:
KILL HIM!

LUPIN:
Now class!
Neville, please give me a hand.
What device do you have planned?
Sorry, didn’t understand—
Can you speak up, please?

NEVILLE:
Snape!

LUPIN:
Look at him, he’s like a bat.
Show him you’re much more than that.
Pop him in a dress and a hat
And handbag, then say cheese!

NEVILLE:
What?

CLASS:
Say Riddikulus!
NEVILLE:
Yeah! Now Snape looks like a freak!

CLASS:
Say Riddikulus!

LUPIN:
‘Cause it’s laughter that makes boggarts weak!

RON:
Spiders… what a gruesome sight.
Think I might pass out from fright…

LUPIN:
Simply recite
Riddikulus!
Riddikulus!
Riddikulus!

The spider loses its legs and rolls around. The rest of the class battles the Boggart. As Dean steps forward, it transforms into a severed hand.

LUPIN:
You’re confusing it! Take it to a new level!

CLASS:
Hey, hey hey! Riddikulus!
That boggart’s going right down!
You go girl, Lavender Brown!
We got him
And we’re glad we fought him.
Lupin is one cool dude
You rule, dude
Glad you’re at our school, dude.
Look at Snape there, ain’t he a beauty
That tight dress shows off his tight booty.
This lesson’s loopy as they come
Let’s see boggart Snapey shake his bum!
Shake, shake, shake, shake!
Snape, Snape, Snape, Snape, Snape, Snape, Snape!

LUPIN:
Class, this is really helping! I wish Snape was here—all right, who’s up next!

Harry raises his hand

LUPIN:
Wait! All right, Neville, finish him off!

HARRY:
It’s ridiculous.
This is going way too far.
He thinks I can’t cope
Cause I’ve got this stupid lightning scar.
Those Dementors on the train
They’re the reason my poor brain
Went all insane…

It’s ridiculous
First Lord Voldemort, then Black.
It’s ridiculous
Next Dementors come for the attack.
Being scared and passing out
Ain’t what Gryffindor’s about.
Gotta show him he has no more cause to fuss.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
It’s ridiculous.

To the tune of Ireland

LUPIN (Eating chocolate):
Do you know the reason why I keep so much of this stuff around? Love! You’re lost without your love
It eats at your heartstrings.
Though I’m used to it now, it still stings.
When I’m in need of rest
I just like to ingest
Lots of chocolate… and it gives me wings!

When I’m lonely or feeling dejected
I eat this, and it never fails.
I break off a piece of chocolate
And a better mood prevails.
When another job app gets rejected
Or the Healers flinch at my touch
I break off a piece of chocolate
And it doesn’t hurt so much.

Smell the creamy confection, inhale it
See a smile break out over my face.
If I took a drug test, I would fail it
But I think that’s okay in my case.

Back at Hogwarts, I met this girl, Lily
I was lonely, and she was all ears.
And her smile was sweeter than chocolate
So I loved her… for ten years.
There were times when I thought she cared for me
Through my dreamy, delusional fog
But she went off with James and ignored me
Trusted Black, though, that filthy dog!

But chocolate never ignores you
Its embrace never loses its sweet charm.
And if one bar’s bouquet starts to bore you
You’re allowed to switch brands with no harm!

Harry walks into Lupin’s office.

Hey, you look like you could use some chocolate
Something’s wrong, I can see in your face.
Oh, don’t tell me you saw more Dementors.
Godric, they don’t belong in this place!
How I wish that your parents could see you
Lily’s eyes, James’ face and hair.
Guys like you and me both need some chocolate
Let me break off another square.

8. Chocolate Reprise

To the tune of Ireland Reprise

LUPIN:
Harry, if a wizard like you can’t master a Patronus, then I’d be deeply surprised. Let’s see if you can fight off a Dementor!

Dementors fear nothing and no one
They keep sucking ‘till everyone’s brain-dead.
I’m not sure where this metaphor’s going
But I felt like it had to be said.
You have friends and professors who love you
Something some of us only dream of.
You get out there—I’ll get you some chocolate.
Those sweet squares of comfort… and love!

9. Sirius Reprise

To the tune of Sirius Reprise

Sirius has broken into Hogwarts and gotten away. Lupin sits in his study, while Sirius sits under the Whomping Willow, looking up at Lupin’s lighted office window.

LUPIN:
I still can’t believe he came back here… to Hogwarts. Or that he’s a murderer… back when we were in school, I never would have guessed it. Sometimes I miss the old days.

Those parties seventh year
I thought we ruled the school.

SIRIUS:
We brought the butterbeer
We were the essence of cool.

LUPIN:
We were like gods back then
Walking among common men.
I never thought he’d come back here again.

SIRIUS:
Strange how dreams disappear.
We all were so full of them here—
Our seventh year at Hogwarts!
We had our futures all planned.

LUPIN:
Yes it’s true, yes it’s true.

SIRIUS:
Then poof! I’m in Azkaban.

LUPIN:
All those years, I trusted you…

SIRIUS:
I’m here ‘cause I understand

LUPIN:
I just don’t understand.
The culprit was Sirius.

SIRIUS:
Yeah right! It’s Wormtail—I’m serious!

10. Chip On My Shoulder

To the tune of Chip On My Shoulder

Snape slouches into Dumbledore’s office, looking furious and upset.

DUMBLEDORE:
Whoa, Snape, what’s up?

SNAPE:
Love, I put my faith in love
I didn’t use my head.

DUMBLEDORE:
Love led you here?

SNAPE:
Yes, and as I’m quite sure you can tell
It did not work out well.
Now Lily Potter’s dead.
And instead of a wedding and love
I’m teaching here at school
A total misanthrope.
Stuck with Potter and sapped of all hope
I’d rather hang instead—
Just let me get a rope.

DUMBLEDORE:
Very funny, Severus. Wait. Go back.

You came up here to tell me something
You don’t often find reason to sing.
So, what is this urgent news you’re sitting on?

SNAPE:
Sirius! Instead of languishing in Azkaban
Black escaped, with the help of one man.
I suspect it’s Lupin’s fault he’s on the run.

DUMBLEDORE:
I trust Remus Lupin, Severus, just as I trust you. Surely you remember your own story? It is not very different from Remus’ own.

SNAPE:
I grew up in the Spinner’s End slum
With my drunk Muggle dad and my mum
‘Till I got my Hogwarts letter in the mail.
I got through Hogwarts by busting my bum
Had no friends and was treated like scum
So forgive me for not weeping at his tale.

DUMBLEDORE:
Well, just because you have some kind of chip on your shoulder…

SNAPE:
You know what? You’re right.
There’s a chip on my shoulder
That grows as I get older
Because Lily picked Potter
Since he was hotter than me.
Now I’ll never forgive her
Treating me like chopped liver.
Yeah, there’s a chip on my shoulder
And why? Well, it’s no mystery.

DUMBLEDORE:
I’m sorry, but that sounds highly negative. Can’t you find some kind of… hobby or something to get your mind off of the past?

SNAPE:
I don’t go to parties or games
No, those things are for people like James.
I don’t wash or comb through my hair

DUMBLEDORE:
I’ve noticed that, Snape.

SNAPE:
And the one thing I once thought worthwhile—
Lily Evans’ magnificent smile--
Haunts my mind all day with no chance of escape.

DUMBLEDORE:
That’s so sweet!

SNAPE:
NO! That’s the chip on my shoulder
Walked up to her and told her
If she wanted James Potter
Because he was hotter than me
Then I’d rather she died than
See Potter by her side—then
I got a chip on my shoulder
Back in 1973.

(spoken) What I need to prove is that Lupin is in league with Sirius!

DUMBLEDORE:
What you need is to get to work. Don’t you have a class in a few minutes?

SNAPE:
Who cares?

DUMBLEDORE:
You know, this angstfest is touching to see
But you said it’s a favor to me
That you’re teaching—do you claim it’s a mistake?

SNAPE:
I didn’t say that!
I can live without love
I can’t live without her.

DUMBLEDORE:
But you manage somehow.

SNAPE:
I’m confused…

DUMBLEDORE:
I concur.
Spend some time taking a bath, for Godric’s sake!
Out, out, out of my office
Back to your classroom
Go wash your hair.
Out, out, what are you angry?
Fine, so get angry! I don’t care!
This chip on your shoulder—
Since I’m wiser and older—
Isn’t just because Potter
Was known to be hotter than you.
Now I’m sick of this moping.
For twelve years now you’ve been coping.

SNAPE:
What do you expect me to do?

CHORUS:
It’s a gift to be single
It’s a gift to be free
Mmmmm…

SNAPE:
Today, I’m substituting for Professor Lupin. This class is dreadfully behind, so turn to page 394. Today, we’re going to learn about werewolves.

HERMIONE:
But sir, we were only just learning about hinkypunks and—

SNAPE:
Silence, Miss Granger! Turn to page 394! Now, I expect a three foot essay on werewolves—how to identify them, how to kill them, and how to pick them out of the faculty of a British boarding school!

HARRY:
But that’s completely stupid, Professor Lupin would never—

SNAPE:
Hmm. I predict you will probably pass
In the bottom percent of your class
Though the others hail you as HP the Great.

HARRY:
That’s not fair!

SNAPE:
Your dad laughed at me, now I’m laughing at you
It’s his fault, so blame him. What, it’s true!
It’s revenge against the man I’ll always hate.

HARRY:
Why do you always have to be a git?

CHORUS:
Glooooooria! In excelsis deo!

HARRY:
G’bye Neville! Merry Christmas! Whoa, what’s this?

He opens the present

No way, a Firebolt?

DUMBLEDORE:
Ah, I see Professor Lupin is ill again. Most unfortunate that it should happen on Christmas Day. Severus, you’ve made the potion for him again?

SNAPE:
Yes, Headmaster.

DUMBLEDORE:
Good, then he’ll be up and about in no time!

SNAPE (Glaring at Harry for no reason):
Yes.

Later, in Lupin’s office.

LUPIN:
Er, Harry… I don’t know if you’ve noticed before
But each time that you walk through Snape’s door
I swear, his blood pressure triples, more or less.
Though it’s hardly my business to say
Could it be that he glares in your way
All because your father wrecked his happiness?

HARRY:
Yes! I’ve been frustrated, mad
Confused, just plain sad
When Snape’s been a git.
It was nothing I did
I’m just my dad’s kid
That’s why, that’s it.
That chip on his shoulder
Means he’s crueler and colder
Just because my name’s Potter
And my dad was hotter than Snape!
By the way, as a bonus
Think I’ll try for a Patronus!
Now there’s a chip on my shoulder
I wish I could get this on tape.

CHORUS:
Oh, Potter man number two
Show ‘em that you’re no fool.
Potter man number two
Show the whole school
You can make a real Patronus.

LUPIN:
Harry, do you have a memory in mind?

HARRY:
Yes, I think so.

LUPIN:
Might I ask what it is?

HARRY:
Well, it’s not really a memory. It’s the Mirror of Erised, seeing my mum and dad and my whole family…

LUPIN:
Yes, I understand…

Awkward silence. Lupin opens the box containing the boggart, which flies out in the shape of a dementor.

HARRY:
Expecto Patronum!

A small cloud of silver fog emerges.

LUPIN:
Very good! Harry, you’ve just produced an indistinct Patronus. Very advanced for a wizard your age.

HARRY:
Merlin’s pants!

CHORUS:
Wait, hold on, he did not pass out!

HARRY:
Merlin’s pants!

CHORUS:
He’ll do better next time, no doubt.

HARRY:
Merlin’s pants!

CHORUS:
Now, that’s something to cheer about! Yes, Merlin’s pants!

LUPIN:
Harry, excellent work today.

HARRY:
Thanks, I guess, but I thought a Patronus would charge down the Dementors and… beat them up?

LUPIN:
A full-fledges one does, but Harry, what you did today was very advanced for a beginner. I’m proud of you.

Harry leaves.

Guess I have a chip on my shoulder
‘Cause I never got to hold her.
But I knew that James Potter
Would always be hotter than me.
Their son’s something to see there—
I’m just happy I can be there.
When his problems confuse him
Or Snape tries to abuse him
I’m there to offer my shoulder
And that’s how it should be…
I’m finally starting to see!

CHORUS:
HP, how it should be, offers his shoulder…

LUPIN:
In a way, I’m happy…
It’s what I owe James and Lily!

11. So Much Madder

To the tune of So Much Better

HARRY (After learning at the Three Broomsticks that Sirius was his parents’ Secret-Keeper):
All of this time, they thought
That no matter what
Sirius was their friend.
They trusted him blindly, too
‘Cause they thought they knew
Sirius was their friend.
And now it’s turned my whole world upside down
Learning what that traitor did.
Knowing he’s on the loose
I’m gonna flip my lid!

Flips through his photo album to see a picture of Sirius at his parents’ wedding.

Whoa! Is that his face here in my book?
Wearing a happy, carefree look?
It really is true
So now what do I do?
What’s the point anymore?
Argh! Seeing his face in black and white
Standing there on my father’s right.
Whoa… I feel so much madder than before.

Arthur! Sorry, you made me swear
But I just don’t care.
You said, “Don’t look for Black.”
But now that I’ve heard this news
Well, I’ve blown my fuse
And I’m looking for Black.
Hey, remember all that I’ve gone through
And the past that haunts me still?
I thought nothing could inspire me to kill…
Well this will!
Black!

Hearing his name back at the bar
Hurt worse than sharp pains in my scar.
Never once had a clue
But the teachers all knew—
Thanks a lot, Dumbledore.
Seeing his face in black and white
I snapped, now I’m looking for a fight.
That’s right, now I’m so much madder
You know much madder
I’m so-o-o-o-o much madder!
I am so much madder than before!

CHORUS:
Yes, he’s so much madder than before
Yes, he’s so much madder than before!

HARRY:
Who knows just what might occur?
I might die, but I prefer
To believe that he’ll drop dead
Maybe I can mount his head.
I’ve forgotten smaller things
Who cares what the future brings?
I don’t know what day it is
All I care about is his…

Face here in my book
And all the lives that scumbag took.
I’ll kill him as well
Send the traitor to hell
It’s the end, this means war!
Look at his face in black and white
I don’t care if it’s wrong or right.
I am so much madder…

Now I’ll never rest until he dies
See the desperation in these eyes?
And I’m so filled with hate
That I really can’t wait
Till he’s dead on the floor.
Oh, oh, seeing his face in black and white
I’ve fallen in hatred at first sight.
Nothing else really matters
I’m so much madder
And I don’t think I can go much madder.
I am so much madder
I am so much madder
I am so much madder than before!

ACT TWO

1. No Chance of Escape

To the tune of Whipped Into Shape

HARRY:
It would take a full-blown miracle
For Buckbeak to win his appeal.
And Malfoy’s dad’s best pals with Fudge
So come on, let’s be real.

HERMIONE:
But we can’t just stop now, can’t drop the ball
Because Hagrid needs us here.

RON:
Let’s not play dumb
This trial’s outcome
Is already clear.

HERMIONE:
Wish we could help him escape
Remove his chains, let him fly
I hate to see Hagrid’s face
When he starts to cry.
But there’s no chance it would work
Plus Malfoy’d just blame Hagrid.

RON:
What a jerk.

HARRY:
I’m hating Malfoy more than Snape.
Now there’s no chance of escape.

Later

RON:
I hate you, Hermione! Look what your cat did!

HERMIONE:
What are you talking about?

RON:
You remember my pet rat?
You can laugh, but first—observe.
All year, I’ve seen that dumb cat
Eyeing him like he’s hors d’oeuvres’.

HERMIONE:
He wouldn’t—

RON:
Innocent, Hermione swears?
Well, that argument’s a dud.
Just right now, I went upstairs
And found my bed sheets covered in his blood!
And on top of that
I found this long ginger cat hair.
But she claims he didn’t kill him
Though the proof is all right there!

At the Ministry, Macnair is smugly preparing to axe Buckbeak.

MACNAIR:
Well, it’s more than execution
It’s a defensive measure, too.
By chopping off the attacker’s head
We’re just protecting you.
He could also claw other innocents
So now we’ll snap his sorry spine.
You can thank us in advance
And credit is fine.

Now there’s no chance of escape
That thing has no way to flee.
We’ll work it over with this
And it’s over in three.
When beasts don’t act like they should
We simply chop ‘em, chop ‘em up real good.
We’ll squash its noggin like a grape
‘Cause there’s no chance of escape!
Come on, people!
It can’t escape!
What doesn’t kill us, we can slaughter!
Hands… who thinks it’s guilty?

All hands go up.

HAGRID(As the trio shows up at his door, valiantly trying to wipe away tears):
Okay, why’d yeh kids come in?
Shouldn’t come here ter see me.
Buckbeak’s got no chance ter win
This ain’t where yeh oughtta be.
Thanks fer helpin’ with ‘is defense
But yeh really need to go.
Black could get yer! Are yeh dense?

LUCIUS (Showing up with Fudge and Macnair):
Right, let’s start the show!
Well, there’s no chance of escape.
If there’s a brain in that hair
Hagrid should realize his pet
Hasn’t got half a prayer.
See, when I talk to him I
Get nothing useful, all he does is cry
And mutter nonsense, stare, and gape
Yes, there’s no chance of escape.

MACNAIR:
This creature is found guilty of assault of a minor and attempted murder! The punishment is, of course, execution by decapitation!

He practices swinging his axe around in preparation for the execution.

Circle Circle! Under! Over! Through! Around! And bam! Dead!
Circle Circle! Under! Over! Through! Around! And bam! Dead!
All right, it can’t break out of here, but we can break its neck!
Slice, squish, slice, squish, plop!
Squelch, spurt, squelch, spurt, flop!
Now this time for real!

HARRY, RON, HERMIONE:
He has no chance of escape
Come on, please, Buckbeak! Just fly!
I hate to see Hagrid’s face
When he starts to cry.

MACNAIR:
Procedure’s gone as it should
Now time to chop it, chop it up real good.
I’ll aim my axe at its neck’s nape
Yes, there’s no chance of escape!

CRONIES:
Chop it, chop it!

HARRY, RON, HERMIONE:
Buckbeak! Escape!

CRONIES:
Chop it! Chop it!
Swipe it! Swipe it! Slice clean through! Chop it off!
Swipe it! Swipe it! Slice clean through! Chop it off!
That’s right, you’ve got it!
Chop it!
Chop it!
Chop it!

HARRY, RON, HERMIONE:
Buckbeak! Escape!

Buckbeak’s head gets chopped off.

2. Escape From Azkaban

To the tune of Take It Like A Man

Flashback to Sirius in jail.

SIRIUS’ CONSCIENCE:
Hey, Padfoot!

SIRIUS:
Wha—who… who are are you?

CONSCIENCE:
I’m your conscience! We haven’t spoken in awhile.

SIRIUS:
Er… right. I thought I was losing my mind in here, now I know it for sure.

CONSCIENCE:
What is this place?

SIRIUS:
It’s called the Shrieking Shack.

CONSCIENCE:
It’s… horrible.