Voldemort: The Mastermind of the Dark Mark

Voldemort: The Mastermind of the Dark Mark

A Tom Riddle/Lord Voldemort musical by Salazar based on Sondheim's Sweeney Todd

The Ballad of Voldemort
No Place Like Hogwarts
The Father and His Child
The Worst House in Hogwarts
Poor Man
My Friend
I, Hagrid, and My Cur
Tom Riddle's Plan
OWL Levels in Transfiguration
The Duel
Riddle's Dream
Tom
Help Me/Spiders in Their Odd Activities
Who's My Mother?
Epiphany
Wilhelmina Jones
Merlin's Beard!
Tom Riddle
I'd Be Free
OWL Exam Sequence
No One's Gonna Find You
Toilet Songs
Finale/Epilogue
The Final Ballad of Voldemort

Voldemort: The Mastermind of the Dark Mark Copyright 2005 by Salazar


The Ballad of Voldemort (I)

A front drop depicting the Dark Mark hangs before the scene. A cradle stands to the right of the drop. A hooded figure walks in.

At curtain time, the hooded figure flicks its wand at the cradle and there is a blinding flash of green light. The figure crumbles, pulling down the drop with it. The deafeningly shrill sound of a factory whistle. Blackout.

The lights come up to reveal a company of DEATH EATERS. One of them steps forward and sings.

A DEATH EATER
Attend the tale of Voldemort
His skin was pale and his patience short
He held the purebloods under his sway
And killed all the others who got in the way
He killed Muggles like it was sport
Did Voldemort
The Mastermind of the Dark Mark.

ANOTHER DEATH EATER
He always left his victims slain
Their faces frozen in looks of pain
He called them Muggle and Mudblood scum
And then he consigned them to a martyrdom.
Did Voldie
Did Voldemort
COMPANY
The Mastermind of the Dark Mark.

A blinding light cuts down the stage as an upstage iron door opens. Wormtail enters, carring a bundle. The company parts as he drops various articles into a cauldron centerstage, including his own hand. The ensemble sings as this happens.

CHORUS
Use your wand and kill, Voldie!
Win all of your fights!
Don't let live the ones who'd give the
Muggles rights.

Various members of the company step forward and sing

SOLOISTS:
With sorrow his young years were rife
He led an orphaned, abusive life.
He wore robes crusted with dirt and stained
While Slytherin's lineage churned in his veins.
To murder this made him resort.
Lord Voldemort
The Mastermind of the Dark Mark.

WOMEN
Quite a noticed one Voldie was
Quick, audacious and bold he was.
He made quite sure none ever lived.
Voldie cast curses no one could forgive.
Many thought that Lord Voldie won
With his murders so coldly done.
Voldie was quick, Voldie was vicious
Voldie was nasty and vastly malicious.

The men join in singing, voices overlapping, in a gradual crescendo

Voldie was quick, Voldie was vicious
Voldie was nasty and vastly malicious.
Quite a noticed one Voldie was
Quick, audacious and bold he was.
Murderous, dark and cold he was.
Was Voldie!
Voldie!
Voldie!
Voooooldiiiiiiieeee!

VOLDEMORT rises out of the cauldron and steps out, facing the audience.

VOLDEMORT and (CHORUS)
Attend the tale of Voldemort
(Attend the tale of Voldemort!)
His plans were the kind that none could thwart.
(His plans were the kind that none could thwart!)

VOLDEMORT
My motives I will here display
By telling my past in this long expose.
I, Lord V.

ALL
I/He, Voldemort.
The Mastermind of the Dark Mark!

The scene blacks out. The sound of a steam engine is heard. Late dusk light comes up.

Lights come up on the Hogwarts Express pulling into the Hogsmeade station. It is a typical English day, with rain falling everywhere and fog spread across the entire sky. RUBEUS HAGRID, a third year Gryffindor, gets off the train followed by a sullen, brooding dark-haired boy named TOM RIDDLE with a silver prefect badge pinned to his robe, which displays the Slytherin crest. A chilling air of lovelessness hangs around RIDDLE.

No Place Like Hogwarts

To the tune of No Place Like London

HAGRID
I have stayed nowhere nor wanted to stay
Except in one place more dear to me than them all
There is no place like Hogwarts!
I feel home again
I could feel security
Always in those castle walls
No, there's no--

RIDDLE
No place like Hogwarts!

HAGRID
Prefect Riddle?

RIDDLE
You're naive
You think life likes to please.
You will see.

They step off the train

So, Rubeus Hagrid, offspring of the giantess Fridwulfa, from here we separate. I shan't soon forget the large boy I met on the train, nor shall I think so poorly of Gryffindors.

A shabby looking HAG stumbles out of the HOGS HEAD and approaches the two boys.

HAG
Boys! Boys!
Care to help an old woman?
On this miserable, rainy noonday?
Come on, boys, come on.
'Ow would you like me to eat you?
Take a little bite

reaches for HAGRID'S arm

Just a quick one, boy, come on!
Just let me have a taste of bicep
It looks to me, dear
Like you got more than 'nuff to spare!

HAGRID puts up his fists and she moves to RIDDLE, who now looks revolted when he had previously been amused.

Boy! Boy!
Help a poor, dumb old woman
I's a taste for your flesh…
Come, let me taste it, child…

RIDDLE:
Be off, you stupid hag or I'll curse you to hell!

HAG
Then just let me have a taste of bicep, you rat!
Just a quick bite
It looks-

RIDDLE (pulls out his wand)
Expelliarmus!

The HAG is blasted away and goes to cackle at other children

HAG
Kids! Kids!
Help a miserable woman!

HAGRID
Yeh could've jest knocked 'er out, she din't look like she was thet strong.

RIDDLE
Rubeus, you have made a dangerous friend in me. I don't honestly care whether she was dangerous, but she did remind me of…(face clouds over) someone.

HAGRID
Tell me, Tom, what are yeh out to prove? Somethin' abou' you ain't right, I can tell.

RIDDLE (sung)
There's a stench in this school
A genetic kind
And it stinks almost worse than a troll's behind
And its members are all fools in soul and mind
And it lives in the other houses…
They are born from a group
With no magical blood
No, their veins instead
Run with filthy mud
Turning wizards into halfbreed rats!
I have
To stay with them and deal with nonsense
For mere solitude is crueler
Than the worst monster of all.
Now I come back to Hogwarts…

RIDDLE suddenly remembering something, as a grimace of rage clouds his face

The Father and his Child

To the tune of The Barber and his Wife

RIDDLE
There was a father and his child
And he was powerful
A happy father and his child
He was a boy who never smiled
And he was powerful
And he was Slytherin
And he was pureblood…
There was a Muggle girl who thought
That she was beautiful
A Muggle whore, a slutty sot
Who when she found out what she got…
Ran from her husband fearfully
She died in giving birth to me!
And now I'm rot!
Ashamed
After
Him named
And oh, so pitiful!

HAGRID
And yer father, Tom…wha' 'appened to 'im?

RIDDLE
Well, that was far too long ago
I bet that he's still living, though.

Now go on, Rubeus, I have my prefect duties to fulfill. Alone.

HAGRID
Alright, then. Bye, Tom.

HAGRID goes over to the boats and RIDDLE stands there, still seething.

RIDDLE
There's a stench in this school
A genetic kind
And in fool equality it's enshrined
And its members are all foolish and weak-spined…

RIDDLE remains where he is, but the scene slowly changes to the SLYTHERIN COMMON ROOM. A stray young first year is standing near the fire. RIDDLE remains frozen in place until the scene is fully changed and then he whirls around to see the new arrival. He sighs.

The Worst House in Hogwarts

RIDDLE
A first year!
Well, what's your hope?
What you want, kid?
You're in for such a let-
Down it's sad to let you know
That you're stuck here
You should sit
Sit down now, sit!
All I meant is that I haven't seen a first year look so glad.
You're unlucky in this house, kid.
Do forgive me, but it really truly seems
That you don't…know this house can crush your dreams.
There's a reason that the first years keep avoiding
Slytherin
See, they think you're a louse, kid.
But there's no one comes in 'cept the pureblood kin.
No one else would choose to go in Slytherin.

Mind you, I can't hardly blame them…
This is probably the worst house in Hogwarts.
Every Slytherin's thought of as the Satan's child
We're hated, reviled
It's true, though.
The worst house at Hogwarts.
None's more sorry than
The worst house in Hogwarts
See the greatest problem's when…
Your founder was evil
Your classmates say "Surely,
They're bad of their free will.
They're damned prematurely!"
The Worst House in Hogwarts!

And no wonder with the reputation we've got.
First years know that
We are
Truly nothing but the worst
Students think we're full of
Shit, and we know
That they're wrong
But it still hurts, every bit.
"Slytherins are evil bastards!
Say they're normal, but their founder was a nut!
Every Slytherin's a killer or a slut!
Gotta persecute 'em
She's a tart
He's a louse
Just because they're in that house!
Just their living is disaster!"
Just our emblem is enough to get you hurt
It's a fact, we all are treated just like dirt.

No denying it's quite mean, kid.
Even more mean than the worst house in Hogwarts!
Only pain and nothing more…
The dungeons are stinking
Our treatment's enough to
Drive someone to drinking
The teachers are gruff too…
Because of our house
Our reputation…
It's the worst house in Hogwarts!
Well, kid…
This house sucks!
This house sucks!

Poor Man

To the tune of Poor Thing

RIDDLE, now satisfied that the first year is scared, walks out into the halls where he is suddenly accosted by the BLOODY BARON.

BLOODY BARON (spoken)
If you think our house is so bad, why don't you do something about it?

RIDDLE (snorts)
Like what? Lead a campaign against our treatment?

BLOODY BARON (spoken)
You know the story of the Chamber of Secrets, right?

RIDDLE (spoken)
What?

BLOODY BARON (sung)
There was a castle and these four
And they were powerful
Their exploits are the stuff of yore
They founded this school and much more…
And they were powerful…

RIDDLE (spoken)
But Salazar? You know what makes him famous…

BLOODY BARON (spoken)
Intelligence, that's what.
(sung) He had beliefs, y'see
Said the pureblood clans
Could learn magic well
Scoffed at the thought that "Muggle-borns can!"
Poor man.
Poor man.

The other three, y'see
Gryffindor, he said…
"Muggles could resist or they could attack, yes.
But their kids to us should have access."
Of 'em, Gryffindor was the laxest.
Too bad…
Dumb man.

So he said to Salazar, "buddy, you're just a quack!"
They were friends before, but unity they now lacked.
Of a kind of schism this thing with the Mudbloods smacked.
Poor fools
Ah, but there was more to come next, poor man…
(spoken) Parseltongue, that was one of his gifts, the ability to speak snake language.

RIDDLE (through gritted teeth)
Go on.

BLOODY BARON (spoken)
Yes, good story, isn't it?
(sung) Well, Salazar called Godric a fool
Poor man, poor man
Said Muggle-borns were all brainless ghouls
He threatened to leave the whole damn school
Unless Mudbloods were barred as a rule
Poor man, poor man.

Of course, they kicked him out, poor man, poor man
He left in a flurry of rage
A monster in Hogwarts he hides, you see
He'll make them all pay, he decides, you see
By creating mass genocides, you see
His anger was too large to gauge.
He left his mark there
And left it for his heir.

When once he and Godric were chums, you see
Now his house and Godric's are foes
I'm surprised that you never knew, you see
The last heir of Slytherin's you, you see.
God knows…you are!

RIDDLE (spoken)
WHAT?! I…the heir of Slytherin?! I'll fulfill the my ancestor's wishes! Don't you worry, I'll fulfill them!

BLOODY BARON (spoken)
I knew you'd listen…Tom Riddle. Follow me and I'll show you to the Chamber, and the monster therein.

The scene dissolves to show the Chamber of Secrets. RIDDLE and the BLOODY BARON enter. The BASILISK is sprawled across the floor, slumbering. RIDDLE approaches it reverently, then touches it and starts hissing the next words.

My Friend

To the tune of My Friend

RIDDLE (sung)
You are my friend…
My only fam'ly…
Hear how you hiss…
Low and strong…
In the night….
My friend…
My only friend…
Listen, my friend
My peers all damn me
For years, for years I've been lost and afraid and depressed…
Like you, my friend.
Well, I've come here
In search of vengeance
Here
Now we are partners.
And we'll cause horrors.
Won't we?

The BASILISK wakes up and starts singing along with RIDDLE. The next verses are sung simultaneously.

RIDDLE
My vicious friend
Soon I'll deploy you
Now, every night
You will kill
A Mudblood
My friend…
My brutal friend…
We shall feel joy, too
We shall know power
And kinship that's like…
Blood brothers
My wondrous friend
Til now your food
Was rats and vermin…
Friend…
You shall kill Mudbloods
You'll eat those filthy…Mudbloods.

BASILISK
Have you come back,
My master?
Shall we attack
Muggle-borns, track
Muggle-borns?
I'll kill
The Mudbloods.
You've returned…
Knew that you'd come down here one day,
I did.
I'm on your side,
My master
With you I have pride,
My master….
Power and kinship that's like blood brothers
Will be ours!
I'm your friend…
Aren't I quite powerful?
Against vermin we shall win,
Slytherin…

RIDDLE turns to the BLOODY BARON and sneers as the BASILISK wraps itself around him, forming a solid wall of green.

RIDDLE (spoken)
The Heir and his pet are reunited!

Lights dim except for a scalding spotlight on RIDDLE and the BASILISK

CHORUS
Use your power well, Voldie!
Send the Muggles hence
All your foes are those who show
Benevolence!
(variously) He did all things on his own terms
He seemed a gem, but he was a germ.
Since seeing the worst of the Muggle race
Of them he decided to leave not a trace,
Did Voldie,
Did Voldemort,
The Mastermind of the Dark Mark!

I, Hagrid, and My Cur

To the tune of Green Finch and Linnet Bird

HAGRID, who has a large black dog standing next to him, is sitting in an abandoned room in HOGWARTS, staring into a chest lovingly.

HAGRID
I, Hagrid, and my cur
Shall rear this spider
Teach him how to crawl…
How he shall grow in strength
He shall be awesome
Greater than them all!
Once he's all big we'll
Let him free, let him free
But now he's not strong…
I won't free him yet
First he'll be my pet
For a time quite long!
He's so bloody cute and so small
We'll teach him to crawl.

I, Hagrid and my cur
Shall rear this spider.
He shall learn to crawl…
Spiders are way too small with second rate size
He shall have feeling in all of his eight eyes.
Some think his crawling's appalling
But it's exquisite
Such grace in pets
Is requisite…

(To Fang) Aragog, that's his name
And it's the greatest…
And he shall be too
I have had many pets
And he's the latest

FANG growls

Come on, Fang, he's new!
You know you do compare
You're not the same
Rearing this guy
Seems like a game.
Spiders are pretty things
But the rest pick
Something which is more domestic

I, Hagrid and my cur
Shall raise this spider
Teach him how to crawl
If he cannot talk…
Let him crawl.

RIDDLE enters the room and does a double take

RIDDLE
I have seen strange things
And quite a lot, too
From the manticores
To the sphinxes of Egypt
But not even in Hogwarts
Have I seen such a monster!
Hagrid, are you mad, are you mad oh
Are you just nuts oh,
Can't you see, can't you see danger here?
Hagrid,
What do you, what do you think you're
Doing, you klutz?
Acromantula cause massive fear.

Who could raise a pet which can kill people
Even if they are like you and larger than common men?
Hagrid,
Look at him, look at him, he may
Be very cute but
Look at him, he will get far too strong
Give up
Put him where he came from
Rubeus Hagrid, this choice is wrong…
Look at…
Him!

HAGRID (oblivious to all but the spider)
I, Hagrid and my cur
Shall raise this spider
Teach him how to crawl.
If he cannot talk,
He shall crawl!

RIDDLE (simultaneously with above)
Look at him!
Look at him!

HAGRID turns around to see RIDDLE standing behind him.

HAGRID
Tom! Tom!
You must 'elp me to 'ide 'im!
'e's a good boy, I promise.
'elp me, 'elp me, Riddle…

RIDDLE (spoken)
Hagrid, perhaps you know what kind of spider this is?

HAGRID (spoken)
Well, 'e's an Acromantula 'e is…but that--

RIDDLE (spoken)
And his classification with the committee for the disposal of dangerous creatures?

HAGRID (evasively)
Well, that's…er….extremely dangerous….but who cares? He's on'y a baby after all and I plan to let 'im go….some day.
(sung) He's cute! Look here, Tom…
If you have to doubt him…
If you won't lend help to your friend…
Don't tell no one about him.

RIDDLE (spoken)
Why should I? He's not big yet.

Tom Riddle's Plan

To the tune of Johanna

RIDDLE leaves the little room where Aragog is being kept and climbs into a pipe which he then slides through to the Chamber of Secrets.

RIDDLE
I'll frame him….
For my crimes…
I'll frame him.
Would you believe what that hack did?
Hiding spiders in this castle…
Making friends with large arachnids…
It's stupid.

He chuckles evilly as he starts walking towards the BASILISK's chamber.

They'll blame him…
For my crimes…
They'll blame him!
Did he think that he could trust me?
Even now I see him expelled.
One of my victims he must be…
Thinking he could trust Lord Voldemort!

He laughs louder, with a high and cold note entering the laugh

I'll frame him
For my crimes
The whole school
Will blame him.
When on his actions
I do report…
He'll be blamed for works of Voldemort!

He lets out a genuine high and cold cackle as he enters the Basilik's chamber. Lights fade on him and come up to reveal a classroom which is being taught by Albus DUMBLEDORE. We can see that RIDDLE is sitting in the front row of the Slytherin side.

OWL Levels in Transfiguration

To the tune of Pirelli's Miracle Elixir

Author's note: For the purposes of clarity, all the overlapping lines from the original have been omitted since they are not particularly audible in the recording and obscure the rhymes in the text.

DUMBLEDORE
Slytherins, Gryffindors
Would you quiet down for a short time?
Do you worry about all the work in this class
And the way that we seem to keep failing en masse
To turn rats into grass?
Well, Slytherins, Gryffindors
By the time this year's out you will all be quite primed
You need never fear that your work will be a sham
When you take Ordinary Wizarding exams.
Students, friends, you shall have none of the worries or cares
Of those who're unprepared!

He flicks on one of the wizarding projectors and begins indicating things with his wand

In a few months from now, you will see
That we'll have to exhibit our work in some standardized tests
All the talent on earth will not serve you as well
As if you pay attention to all that I tell.
You'll discover with shock that your talk, which I quell
Will not make you the best.
If you don't trust my claim
Well, that is quite a shame
But don't get me wrong, I too think those tests are lame.
They don't measure knowledge, but memory space
Of actual learning they make a disgrace!
But their place
Is by you to be aced!

OWL Levels in Transfiguration
Cause such consternation
But don't fear
Cogitation
And some concentration
For their whole duration
Have no peers.
Study hard and you will pass 'em
With a little more work you'll excel.

SLYTHERINS
All this work on one test when there's more…
Just to please Dumbledore…

GRYFFINDORS
Let us up the bar now
Difficult to pass, now is it?
We will study hard, now.

DUMBLEDORE
In the OWLs
It is quite appalling
Scores are always falling
In this class
Students never
Failed this endeavor
When they weren't clever
In the past.
So you'd better study good and hard!

SLYTHERINS
Wish he'd jam his wand somewhere it hurts
All this talk of tests, it disconcerts.

DUMBLEDORE
Well, the difficulty isn't going up in spurts.
We'll go through it
I'll show how to do it
Some of you've forgotten

DUMBLEDORE eyes MCGONAGALL and RIDDLE

Some already knew it.
OWLS don't spell such disaster
For a caster
Who's a master!

SLYTHERINS (Sneering)
If we fail this test, it's your fault.

RIDDLE
Pardon me, friends, but I smell a rat
We could all pass the test just like (snaps his fingers) that!
We could all turn yarn into a cat.

DUMBLEDORE (ignoring RIDDLE)
OWL Levels in Transfiguration
Cause exasperation
And they serve
To make students learn new information
With a huge predation
Of their nerves.
Better start the lesson, students.

MCGONAGALL
Dumbledore…

RIDDLE
Dumbledore…

BOTH
What's in store?

STUDENTS
They're wondering what's in store.

DUMBLEDORE (tersely)
It's a test.

RIDDLE
In that case, unimpressed.

GRYFFINDORS
To a teacher
Man, that Riddle kid thinks
He's the best!

DUMBLEDORE
Never mind the skeptic, students
Never mind the skeptic.

SLYTHERINS (to the GRYFFINDORS)
He is as a rule
Why not have a duel?

MCGONAGALL (smiles sinisterly)
I'm open to a duel.

DUMBLEDORE (in despair, he goes on with the lesson)
For the switching, we'll switch birds with ferrets

SLYTHERINS
Oh, we just don't care, it's
All old crap!
Let's just have a duel!

DUMBLEDORE
And on the OWLS
Parrots into Goblets
Aren't such a job, it's-

MALFOY (interrupting)
Shush, old chap!

The SLYTHERINS laugh, encouraging this.

SLYTHERINS
If you want us all to listen
Let the duel start, professor!

DUMBLEDORE
OWL Levels in Transfiguration
Cause anticipation
It's no fun.
Students all go
To their battle stations
When Transfiguration's
Almost done.
OWL Levels in Transfiguration
Have no inclination
To be tough
OWL Levels
Cause a dissipation
Of procrastination.

SLYTHERINS
How about the duel?

DUMBLEDORE
Don't like my presentation?

SLYTHERINS
What about the duel?

GRYFFINDOR
Riddle and Minerva!
Fight him now, Minerva!
Let us have the duel!

DUMBLEDORE
Then indulge your inclination
For this silly confrontation
That's enough!

The Duel

To the tune of The Contest

MCGONAGALL steps forward to face RIDDLE.

MCGONAGALL
I am Miss M. McGonagall,
The Queen of the Gryffindors,
Ready to fight.
Get your wand out, Riddle!
I'm itching to start.
And I, Minerva McGonagall
I want you to know
Unless you get out of my sight,
You're a smartmouthed little fart!
With no heart!

RIDDLE (sneers)
Touching.
(spoken) I am Tom Marvolo Riddle. I was just making a point about the teaching of Professor Dumbledore and I say to you he is overexaggerating the relevance of these tests. And furthermore, Madame…(gives a mock bow to MCGONAGALL) I am no queen, (this receives appreciative chuckles from the SLYTHERINS) yet I bet that I can cast any spell we've been taught with ten times more skill than any Gryffindor harpy!

MCGONAGALL (spoken) You hear this Slytherin rat? Watch and see how I'll beat him!

RIDDLE (turns respectfully to DUMBLEDORE)
Professor, will you judge?

DUMBLEDORE
I would be glad to supervise such a contest between the two best students in this class. The one who casts the spell I name the fastest is the winner! Switching spells!

RIDDLE just sits there, motionless. MCGONAGALL eyes him nervously and then turns to her classmates. We can see that she can't resist the urge to show off her knowledge about the spell.

MCGONAGALL
Now, my Gryffindor friends,
We shall start up our switching
But first, you stop twitching about
Gryffindors, I can promise
You are seeing a girl
Who will show you this Tom is
An arrogant fraud!
Mr. Riddle's done many things
But notice how he hasn't done anything
Yet!
He's stuck, I will bet!

She starts moving leisurely towards her desk

Perhaps, Gryffindors, fellow students
You'd like me to tell you it's best to be prudent
When switching an object
It seems quite a job, yet
It isn't a terrible spell
All beginnings are trouble
If you've never done it
But that doesn't mean
You should utterly shun it
As well.
To learn isn't hell!

She glances at RIDDLE, and then back at her desk.

To switch out my seat
For, let's say, a quill
Can seem quite a feat
But it's just a skill.
But with one wrong flick
Your wand mistakes
Intentions, this makes
The spell you tell it to cast
Quite against your will!

RIDDLE swishes his wand suddenly, disconcerting MCGONAGALL

To switch anything
For something not there
Takes a steady stare
And you need to care!
Your wand in the air
You hold your strong glare
And then you declare what you will switch!

(spoken) Gerbils.

(sung) When starting to switch
Your wand angles down
In Transfiguration,
The incantation
When said properly
Still always should be
Quite calm.
Enunciate well
And say the words strong
Imagine the spell

She glares at RIDDLE

But don't take too long.
And don't get too proud,
Then say it out loud!

She suddenly stops, her mind has drawn a blank as to the incantation.

RIDDLE (mutters)
Ferraverto!

His desk is switched for a jack-in-the-box.

DUMBLEDORE
The winner is Tom!

RIDDLE (heartened, spoken)
Shall we have our next spell now, Professor?

DUMBLEDORE (spoken)
Certainly, if Minerva will not object.

MCGONAGALL (spoken)
Er…just a point of procedure, could we perhaps cast the spell on the sound of a whistle from you, Professor?

DUMBLEDORE
Certainly. I'll just cast the charm when I'm ready. (eyes twinkle) Ready?

BOTH
Ready.

DUMBLEDORE
Goblets into parrots!

MCGONAGALL (sung)
From goblets to birds
Is a tricky spell.
One needs just the words
Without them, it's hell!
If you mispronounce
Or bounce an ounce
Of syllable, still you kill
The chance of casting it well.
From goblets to birds
Without prior thought
Takes all that you've got
Seems hard, but it's not!
Your nerves can get shot

(sarcastically, imitating RIDDLE) But come now, for what?
Such learning is rot,
(points at RIDDLE) As he can tell.
Transfiguring things…
The joy that it brings!
Why, all of that power
It can take hours
To learn.
Don't worry
If your cups aren't furry
At first, but I promise they surely
Won't tank!
I had to take pains!
You all can improve!
I know it's insane
How slow progress moves.
But soon you will yearn
For knowledge, so learn!

DUMBLEDORE casts the whistling charm

I'm drawing a blank!

RIDDLE (mutters the incantation quietly, and it works)
You were saying, Minerva?

MCGONAGALL shrieks and points her wand at him, as they both go into dueling stance. The tableau freezes and the CHORUS OF DEATH EATERS walk on.

DEATH EATERS
Voldie studied and Voldie worked
While the basilisk coldly lurked.
He proved himself over the rest
Showing Minerva that he was the best.
But his anguish ran far too deep,
It was manifest in his sleep.
Late in the night, you'd hear him screaming
You'd know of his evil side, he was dreaming.
Voldie…
Voldie…

Riddle's Dream

To the tune of Johanna (The Judge's Song)

RIDDLE is sleeping in his bed in Slytherin tower. Dark music indicates that he is having some sort of nightmare.

RIDDLE
Help me, help me
Someone help me, help me!
Someone please, oh, please, someone help me!
No, leave me alone! Vacate me!
Release me! Escape me! Don't hurt me!

His voice goes high and cold

Tom Riddle, Tom Riddle
Why so afraid to help me?
I've made you someone greater
Than you could hope to be!
Tom Riddle, Tom Riddle
I'm you-You see the greatness I've-
(His normal voice returns) No!
Get rid of him!
Get rid of him!
Out!
Out!
Out!

His voice goes high and cold again

Tom Riddle, Tom Riddle
Pathetic, that's what you are
I've made you so much greater
Why do you fight with me?
Your power, Tom Riddle
You owe it all to Voldemort!
(Ordinary voice) Dad!
Get rid of him!
Scum!
Monster!
(High voice) Tom Riddle!
Tom Riddle!
I nurtured you when you were hurt
I've acted as your father!
Ungrateful Tom Riddle!
You think you can keep me away?
You think I'm not you, foolish boy?
(Ordinary voice) No!
Dad!
Get rid of him!
He must-
Stop!
Now, he must-
Stop-
At-
Once.
At-
Once.
At-
Once.

(High voice) Tom Riddle, Tom Riddle
I cannot stand you now, boy
You stand in my way, you fool.
You sabotage my plan…
You block me, Tom Riddle
So desperately moral
If you can't kill your heart, I can!
(Normal voice) Dad!
Get rid of him!
Dad!
Get rid of him!
Dad!
Get rid of--
(High voice, mockingly) Muuuuum!

Tom Riddle, Tom Riddle
I'll rule in you forever
You'll never feel your sorrow.
Tom Riddle, Tom Riddle
No one will ever hurt you
You'll never feel this sorrow.
As years pass, Tom Riddle
You'll lose your own identity
No longer will you exist
Only I will…
Tom Riddle, Tom Riddle
I'll live in you forever then
You won't be seen again, boy and
I'll
Get rid of you
Tom Riddle
No one
Can
Beat
Me when
I have
Made
You
Be
Voldemort!

His eyes open for a short time. They have turned blood red. The chorus of DEATH EATERS appear again.

DEATH EATERS
His evil side was far too great
His need for love soon became his hate.
And those whose lives he would soon abort
Simply believed he was a snotty-nosed wart.
But murder was the grim cohort
Of Voldemort
The mastermind of the Dark Mark.

Cast an evil curse, Voldie
AK and much more…
Use it to display what's true to
Dumbledore.

Tom

To the tune of Wait

Backstory: DUMBLEDORE has heard from the Slytherin house head that there have been complaints of RIDDLE crying out in his sleep. In response to this, he has called RIDDLE up to his office to question him, even though the Slytherin head has already said he questioned RIDDLE.

The scene is DUMBLEDORE's Office. RIDDLE is standing there, impassively, staring at DUMBLEDORE.

RIDDLE (neutrally, spoken)
You said you wanted to see me, Professor?

DUMBLEDORE (spoken)
Yes, Tom. Professor Slughorn tells me you've been crying out in your sleep recently. Now, I realize that Professor Slughorn has already questioned you, but I took the liberty of asking him whether I could do so as well..

RIDDLE
Why should you care? You're the head of Gryffindor house, ask them about their dreams.

DUMBLEDORE
I have a special interest in you, Tom, as I hope you will understand. In the meantime, I have some words of wisdom for you.

(sung) You are strong, don't despair.
I know some are mean, but who cares?
I know you must be scared,
Tom.
You are fine, do not fear.
You're a gifted boy, that is clear.
Pay no heed to the jeers,
Tom.
I've thought your solitude
Is too lonely for any teenaged boy
Don't you think some friends or
Someone special are things you'd enjoy?
It seems so, Tom.

RIDDLE (spoken, in a voice which sounds like he's holding back tears)
Did you call me up here to sermonize with me or is there something else? I have homework.

DUMBLEDORE (spoken)
Don't worry about that, Tom. I know you're going to turn my essay in three days early in draft form anyway. (sung) What you need is a friend
Soon your school life will meet its end.
Christmas is round the bend,
Tom.
I know tests are a bane
But OWLS won't give you much pain
What good's grades if your life's tearstained,
Tom?
Are you listening, Tom?
It's good advice.
But if you don't want to listen-

RIDDLE (spoken)
I was.

DUMBLEDORE (spoken)
Good. Take it to heart. You're free to go.

RIDDLE (spoken)
Professor…?

DUMBLEDORE
Tom?

RIDDLE
You wouldn't happen to know which pureblood family is descended from Salazar Slytherin, would you?

DUMBLEDORE
I can't see why that would interest you, Tom, but since you ask…they are an old wizarding family known as the Gaunts. The last surviving members of that family are in Azkaban, however.

RIDDLE (puzzled)
The Gaunts? That can't be right, Professor, don't you mean the Riddles?

DUMBLEDORE
No, Tom. There is no old wizarding family known as the Riddles. Either your father was a Muggle-born wizard or…he was a Muggle.

There is a highly pregnant pause

RIDDLE
I see. Thank you, Professor. Good bye.

Help Me/Spiders in Their Odd Activities

To the tune of Kiss Me and Ladies in Their Sensitivities

As RIDDLE is leaving DUMBLEDORE's office, HAGRID accosts him.

HAGRID
Tom, Aragog has got massive
What shall I do? Where should he hide?

RIDDLE
I could care less.

HAGRID
Oh, Tom, don't get so impassive
I really need you on my side.

RIDDLE
I could care less.

HAGRID
Is someone listening?

RIDDLE
Don't care!

HAGRID
I think they're listening.

RIDDLE
Don't care!

HAGRID
It couldn't be
No one's here
Except you and me,
Or is someone there?
Or is someone here?
Can you tell, Tom?
Oh, help me!

RIDDLE (wearily)
Hagrid…!

HAGRID
Help, Tom!!

RIDDLE
Hagrid…!

HAGRID
Help, Tom!
If someone finds where he's living
I could get punished or expelled!!

RIDDLE
Well, that's your fault.!

HAGRID
Tom, don't be so unforgiving
I won't leave til my fear's dispelled.!

RIDDLE
Well, that's your fault.!

HAGRID
Let's find another place!!

RIDDLE
Your fault!!

HAGRID
If we're caught, what disgrace!!

RIDDLE
Who's we?!

HAGRID
Another hall
Not this hall!
Any other hall!
There's the phoenix call,
And if Dumbledore
Should chance to hear…
Tom, help me!!

RIDDLE
Why me?!

HAGRID
Help me!

RIDDLE
Why, Rubeus?!

HAGRID
Tom, you're so smart.!

RIDDLE (grudgingly)
Good point.!

HAGRID
So help me!

RIDDLE
Don't make a fuss
Come on, let's start.!

HAGRID
Aragog's too big
We have got to move him
It don't matter that he's
Poisonous at all.!

RIDDLE
Alright, I'll
Help
You
To hide him
I'll help you.
There's cupboards down in the basement
We'll hide him there!

HAGRID
Think it'll work?!

RIDDLE
I'm sure it will.!

He tries to figure out which staircase to use as they reach the stairwell

If I just knew where the place went
We could move him without a care.
Simultaneously with below)
Go get him right away
And meet me at this stair
Bring him back quick
Really quick,
Or we just might fail.
Quietly, of course
Or we are undone.
It's been a pain to…!

HAGRID (simultaneously with above)
Oh, Tom
Instruct me, instruct me, Tom
Tell me what to do next
Help me out, help me out
With my pet.
Know, Tom
I need instruction quite quick
Tell me what to do next.!!

Help me!!

RIDDLE (tersely)
I am!

HAGRID
Help me!!

RIDDLE
Now go.

HAGRID
Help me!!

RIDDLE
Just go!
(to himself, exhaustedly) Help me…
Oh, hell.!

In a few minutes, HAGRID returns with a large crate bearing the now one-foot-high Aragog. The spider is not cooperating, as it's making quite a large racket. RIDDLE is extraordinarily put off by this.

RIDDLE
Excuse me, Hagrid
But may I ask, Hagrid
How you plan to keep him still?
Forgive my sarcastic tone, Hagrid
But if he keeps up that groan, Hagrid
His presence will be well-known, Hagrid
His blood might well become spilled
And your school year will be killed.
Spiders in their odd activities, Hagrid
Still require some stability
When I said still, I meant
Stay completely silent
And don't say that I went
Willingly with this.
We must move quite quickly, 'til he's really hid.
This plan could reach a declivity.
It is quite audacious
Keeping pets rapacious
It won't cause much gracious
Levity, Hagrid.!

HAGRID
Hush, Aragog, quiet now, Aragog
We've gotta move quietly!

RIDDLE
Why did you pick such a pet, Hagrid
He could grow into a threat, Hagrid.
He'll get too big I will bet, Hagrid.
If you ever let him free…
Make sure that it's clear of me.!

HAGRID (angrily)
Keep moving, Tom!
He's getting really quite massive!

RIDDLE
True, and you knew
He'd get that big.!

HAGRID
Just move, Tom!!

RIDDLE
We're in deep shit.
We simply must stay impassive!

. HAGRID
We have to complete
This whole gig.!

RIDDLE
Let's hope he fits.!

HAGRID
Is someone listening?!

RIDDLE
Don't fret.!

HAGRID
I think someone is here!!

Ironically, the BASILISK is following them in the pipes.

RIDDLE
Like who?!

HAGRID (silmultaneously with below)
Oh, never mind
No one there
No one there at all
I'm a nervous mess
But we've gotta hide him
Quick as we can.!

RIDDLE (silmultaneously with above)
Just shut up now!
No one there No one there at all You're a nervous mess You moron…!

HAGRID
Help me!!

RIDDLE
Shut up!!

HAGRID
If someone finds where he's living
I won't tell them you were involved.!

RIDDLE
That helps my nerves.!

HAGRID
I wish the school were forgiving
And this whole thing could be resolved!!

RIDDLE (simultaneously with below)
You don't deserve
To be expelled at all
And least of all for this
Sure, the school would be pissed
But for only this
Suspension at most
With a possible
Detention for you.!

HAGRID (already scared, simultaneous with above)
I do not want
To be expelled at all!
And least of all for this
Sure, the school might be pissed
But for only this
Suspension? They can't!
It's not possible,
I couldn't bear it!
Help me!
Help me!
We'll hide him.
Help me!!

RIDDLE
I have a place where we can hide
Your pet.!

HAGRID
Help me!!

RIDDLE
I have a place where we can hide…hide your pet.!

BASILISK (simultaneous with above)
Now, what on earth?!

RIDDLE (hearing the BASILISK)
Huh?!

BASILISK
What the hell, Tom? RIDDLE
This trouble
It'll give me grey hairs
Even if we do succeed
It won't make up for
This great stress.!

HAGRID
Tom…
Tom…!

BASILISK
Tom Riddle,
Tom Riddle,
Tom Riddle…!

They are getting closer to the cellar now, even if HAGRID is sweating profusely and RIDDLE is looking visibly perturbed by all the racket and fuss he's making.

HAGRID (cradling the box)
I'll help him
No matter what it takes
Even if it should
Trouble the whole school
And all the rest, too.
No matter what it takes!
Even if it should
Trouble the whole school
And all the rest!!

BASILISK (simultaneous with above)
Tom…Voldemort?

RIDDLE and BASILISK (quietly)
Voldemort…!

HAGRID
My spider has to be hidden
He has to be
Forget the costs!
I know his kind is forbidden
But I won't have this one pet lost!!

RIDDLE
Spiders in their odd activities, Hagrid…!

HAGRID
Are we there, Tom?!

RIDDLE
Still need a touch of stability…!

HAGRID
I will stay calm.!

RIDDLE (simultaneous with below)
You don't deserve
To be expelled at all
And least of all for this
Sure, the school would be pissed
But for only this
Suspension at most
With a possible
Detention for you.!

HAGRID (simultaneous with above)
Oh, Tom
Instruct me, instruct me, Tom
Tell me what to do next
Help me out, help me out
With my pet.
Know, Tom
I need instruction quite quick
Tell me what to do next.
I will stay calm.

RIDDLE
It is quite audacious
Keeping pets rapacious
This plan could reach a declivity…!

BASILISK
Tom…

They reach the cupboard in the basement and RIDDLE points at it.

RIDDLE
We're here.

HAGRID
At last!

RIDDLE (repeating this to himself as he slumps to the floor, exhausted)
We're here
We're here
We're here
We're here
We're here
We're here

HAGRID (doing the same as RIDDLE now that he's put the crate in the cupboard and is collapsed against the door.)
At last
At last
At last
At last
At last…

Who's My Mother?

To the tune of Pretty Women

It has been about fifteen minutes since RIDDLE and HAGRID stowed Aragog away. RIDDLE is now waiting outside DUMBLEDORE's office, hoping that DUMBLEDORE will leave for dinner soon so he can sneak in. As DUMBLEDORE leaves, he creeps in and approaches the cabinet where the Pensieve lies.

RIDDLE
I see I have something I still must do
A question not answered yet
This old office I won't cease to haunt
Until I find the answer I want
Was my mother's last name really Gaunt?
This question I can't forget!
It's answered in here, I bet!.

Well, Dumbledore, I'm glad you told me
My mother's family name
Even if mom would not live for me
It's nice to know who came before me
But still, she acted pretty poorly
By dying.
Why did she die?
And my mother
Yes, my mother…
Who's my mother…?

He lifts the Pensieve out of its cabinet

Now then, my friend
Let's see your info
Patience, enjoy it
Her name can't be taken in haste!

I know that I'll be changed
Forever now…
By mum.
Even if we're estranged
We won't be severed now…
Like some.

Who's my mother…
Witch or Muggle?
Was she dumb or
Dainty…
Who's my mother?
What's her hist'ry?
Who's my mother?
Whether she was pureblood
Muggle-born or what.
She was not some Muggle slut....

Who's my mother…
What was her name?
That can never
Taint me
It's not horrid
Or so frightening.
Who's my mother?
Who's my mother?!

Whether she had power or
Whether she was weak
She was mine
Even if she's worthless
Or stupid, her name is
The info that I seek
Her last name,
Her last name.

Ah, who's my mother?

To the Pensieve

Gives me answers!
In your waters
You must show me
I've no worry
Of being frightened
I'm not frightened faintly!
Even if it's bad
It still
Is her
It's her.
Proof of someone
Here at Hogwarts.
Who's my family?
Who's my mother…?
Who's my mother, let's see…
Who's my mother, who, now?
Who's my mother…
Who's my mother, yes
Who's my mother, yes
Who's my mother?!
Who's my mother, yes!

He plunges his face into the Pensieve and the ancient memory of his birth comes into sharp relief. MEROPE is lying on a bed, screaming, as a MIDWIFE soothes her

MIDWIFE
Keep pushing, soon it'll finish!
Come on, the baby's almost out!

MEROPE (spoken)
Ahhh! Oh, Tom…Tom…how could you leave me like this…just because of my magic…how…I hate him! I hate him and I hope that one day someone makes him sorry for leaving me!

DUMBLEDORE suddenly enters and grabs RIDDLE by the shoulder.

DUMBLEDORE (spoken)
Tom, I think it is best if we leave…now.

They swirl out of the Pensieve and DUMBLEDORE gives RIDDLE a hard look

DUMBLEDORE
Tom…I must confess I am highly disappointed. Breaking into my office and using my private possessions is not something I would have expected of you. Twenty points from Slytherin, now go.

RIDDLE (his voice strained as though he's itching to curse DUMBLEDORE)
Yes, sir.

RIDDLE walks out of the office, and rushes to the bathroom entrance of The Chamber of Secrets, which he slides down, laughing in a deranged and evil fashion. As he gets deeper, his laugh crescendos into a gigantic, heaving sob of rage and pain

Epiphany

To the tune of the same name

RIDDLE appears in the chamber at the foot of the BASILISK. It looks down at him.

BASILISK (concerned)
What happened to you?

RIDDLE (sobbing)
Why?! WHY ME, WHY?!

BASILISK
My lord, what happened?

RIDDLE
My mother…she was a witch…she told my father she was a witch and..and..
(sung) And he left her!
He took away her sense of worth.
And he left her!
He broke her heart and she died in childbirth!

BASILISK (sung)
Calm yourself, Voldemort

RIDDLE
Why?!

BASILISK
I'm still your one faithful cohort!

RIDDLE
Why did I wait! Because of Muggles,
My mum died in childbirth!
His eyes suddenly blaze blood red

There's a stench in this school, a genetic kind
And in fool equality it is enshrined
And it's members are all foolish and weak-spined!
But not for long!

They all will die! They must!
And it's just, my basilisk, it is just.
Because of all wizards in the wide world, my basilisk
There are two kinds that live within this school
There's the one whose parents were glad he'd come
And those who, like dad, would have left my mum!
Simpletons, Muggle lovers, bloody fools!
And they all will die! They must!
And it's just, my basilisk, it is just,
Because the Muggle-born wizards aren't as great
And they're worth nothing more than a murderous hate
They all will die, they must!

(sobbing again)
And I'll never know my mother…
No, she died in giving birth to me…finished!
Alright, you, snake
Your day has come!
Trouble's coming from Slytherin's heir!
True, snake
You, snake
Shall cause great despair!
They'll face my vengeance!
They'll face my damnation!

Kill them
Fill them
All with fear and doubt
WE'LL MAKE THEM BLEED!
Riddle's ready, I want those Mudbloods!
You, snake, ready for it?
None of those fools shall survive!
Not torture, no, nor taunting, nor the worst pain is bad enough
They deserve death!
(Laughs manically)
And with murder and death
I shall soon cavort
They shall learn their mistake in
Pissing off Lord Voldemort!

(screaming) And my mother
Lay in heartbreak…
And the bastards
Took my mum away!

His eyes now gleam with an unearthly red light and his nostrils enlarge til he almost looks like a snake

But they'll all pay!
Death shall come to them!
Voldemort can live!

He laughs his first genuinely high and cold laugh and then sinks to the floor.

Wilhelmina Jones

To the tune of A Little Priest

BASILISK (approaching RIDDLE, spoken)
Well, now that you've got that off your chest, I've got to tell you, you're not the only one who's been angry.

RIDDLE (growling)
I don't give a damn what you've been going through!

BASILISK
Oh, you don't, eh? Believe me, it may be to your advantage to listen!

RIDDLE (gives it a thought, and then spits)
Go on!

BASILISK (sung)
I've been getting mad…

RIDDLE
Mad?

BASILISK
I've been getting pissed.
My stomach feels bad
True, I've had worse, but still
Mudbloods won't be missed.
And I need a meal.
If I've got the gist
Of your plan, I feel
Its appeal
Is a thing quite real.

RIDDLE
True.

BASILISK
Seems, therefore, to me
I mean, that the Mudbloods can't taste that bad
When disposing
Of the body…

RIDDLE (smiling)
Ha!

BASILISK
They'd taste perfect.
Take, for instance, these damn bullies
Who torment you.
Funny, isn't it, how justice sometimes works?
And I'd gladly decapitate all those bloody stupid jerks
And it's one case where a lunch is free.

RIDDLE (simultaneous with below)
My basilisk, what a charming notion
Eminently serpentine and almost human, like they all are.
My basilisk, how I've lived without you all these years
I have no clue.
Seems ridiculous…
But if we're meticulous
We could…get off…

BASILISK (simultaneous with above)
Well, they could taste quite good
It's an idea ...
Think about it...
Lots of other Muggle-borns
Soon be dying off like flies
Won't they?
Think of
How they're
Food!

RIDDLE
You hear those kids in this great school's walls?

BASILISK
Yes, Voldemort
Yes, Voldemort
I hear them all.

RIDDLE
Those Muggle-born scum polluting its halls?

BASILISK
Guess, Voldemort
Guess, Voldemort
How they will fall!

RIDDLE (simultaneous with below)
It's time they learned who was boss, my snake

BOTH
And learned that coming here was a mistake!

A few hours later, RIDDLE and the BASILISK are stalking the walls, looking for prey. A Muggle-born girl comes around the corner, oblivious to them. RIDDLE motions at her.

RIDDLE
Here we are…perfect.

BASILISK (unimpressed)
Who is she?

RIDDLE (sung)
She's Jones
Wilhelmina Jones…

BASILISK (disappointed)
Doesn't look too fat.

RIDDLE
Nope, she's all skin and bones.
Then again, she doesn't eat breakfast or lunch.
Gives her quite a crunch.

BASILISK (sizing her up)
Where do I begin?

RIDDLE
Bite her in the shin.

BASILISK (sulkily)
What about her friend, there?
She looks much less thin!

RIDDLE (shakes his head)
No, you see, the problem with Pooley
Is all of the jewelry
She owns…
Eat Miss Jones!

The BASILISK lets out a low hiss as JONES' friend leaves for the great hall and just as JONES turns around, she dies. It eats the body and slithers back to the chamber.

BASILISK (spoken) Hmm…not bad.
Not as filling as some, but then not as bad as I thought either.

RIDDLE
See? I told you she'd make a good target. Gives your teeth good exercise.
(Smiles and sings) Hungry for some more
Flesh of Gryffindor?

BASILISK
I'd enjoy some muscle, and then a
Student of Rowena,
The whore.

RIDDLE
What of Hufflepuff?

BASILISK
The vacuum within their brain whistles
And man, they've got gristle
Enough.
Plus, the texture's tough
And, of course, without water, they go down rough.

RIDDLE (obviously getting angry at all this talk of Hufflepuffs)
Well, the house is
Made of louses

BASILISK
What a glower!
Our power
Will make them all cower!
Your struggle
Against Muggles
Will be won, 'cause you've got the right stuff!

RIDDLE (triumphantly)
The houses, aside from mine, of course

BASILISK (smacking its lips)
Eating lots of kids
Having lots of children to swallow

RIDDLE
Believe in things no smart man could endorse.

BASILISK (egging on Riddle)
After what you did,
You're the kind of Dark Lord to follow!

RIDDLE
How ironic, Godric Gryffindor
Was the one who was a jerk to the core! (continuing, spoken)
Now, our next victim…
We've got Creevey

BASILISK
I've had worse, believe me.

RIDDLE
Shorewheat?

BASILISK
More meat.

RIDDLE
Schlittey?

BASILISK
Gritty.

RIDDLE
Gadchaist?

BASILISK
Bad taste.

RIDDLE
Crocker?
(sung) Or what about Figg?

BASILISK (warily)
If she's nice and big.

RIDDLE
Well, she's got a zit
But she couldn't fit
Into Pringle's* brig.
And there's Nottingstom
He's just big and dumb.
Worse than that, he's poor,
Gryffindor
And a halfbreed scum.

BASILISK
No shock he enrolled
With the red and gold.
Has he lots of muscle?

RIDDLE
Enough to be sold!
There's enough there to look like roast beef
And he's caused the most grief
Of all.
Kill, don't stall!

About fifteen minutes later, the dessicated corpse of Nottingstom is sitting in the chamber.

BASILISK (spoken)
Now, this isn't particularly special, but then of course, the brain was very lacking.

RIDDLE
That's not the only thing that's lacking, there's other meat that's lacking.

BASILISK
Like what?

RIDDLE (grinning obscenely)
His pet snake.

BASILISK (hisses amusedly)
There's probably venom in it too.

The two laugh fiendishly

RIDDLE (sung)
This school has a new era to greet.

BASILISK
What, Voldemort
What, Voldemort
Is your next plan?

RIDDLE
It's us weeding out the chaff from the wheat.

BASILISK
Kill, Voldemort
Kill, Voldemort
All that you can!

RIDDLE
Now it's me who gets his turn to jeer
So let this school start its living in fear!

BASILISK (Spoken)
Since Hufflepuffs haven't suffered yet, I suppose I could choke one down.

RIDDLE
In good time. I still have an ax to grind.

BASILISK
To cut off more insufficient privates?

The two of them laugh again.

RIDDLE (Sung)
Let's start
To strike at the heart
Muggle-borns,
We're gonna fight off ya
With killing that's right off the
Charts!
You bastards are doomed!
The reason for this murder scare is
For Muggle-borns there is
No room!
And this chamber's gloom
Shall serve as the Muggle-born's condemning tomb.

BASILISK
They'll start minding
Your ax grinding.

RIDDLE
For this attack to be, though
They can't know it's me, so
I'll hide it
That decides it
Can go on til our standards are groomed.
We'll fight off every Muggle-born here in Hogwarts!

BASILISK
Your belief they should not be allowed…

RIDDLE
Yes, yes, my job is clear!

BASILISK
Would have made Salazar Slytherin proud.

RIDDLE
I'll make them sob in fear!
We'll show no mercy, but only scorn!
No, we'll eat anyone
Meaning anyone

BOTH
Anyone who's Muggle-born!

They both laugh fiendishly

Pringle = Apollyon Pringle, caretaker when Molly and Arthur Weasley were at school, which his roughly the same time.

Merlin's Beard!

To the tune of God, That's Good

It is the morning after the attack. DUMBLEDORE and a crowd of students has gathered around the detached head of WILHELMINA JONES. DUMBLEDORE is concerned.

DUMBLEDORE
Students of every house, would pay attention for a bit?
This attack is an incident utterly rare
And it's hopefully not any need for a scare
(to himself) Hopefully they'll be spared.
(To the students) And students of every house, better not throw hysterical fits.
It's as likely as anything that's ever preyed
On this school that the monster wants us all to become afraid.
So go on back to the dorm rooms and do not get bent!
It's just one incident!

Once the students are gone

Seems the monster's started its devouring
And pureblood empowering
With finesse.
Well, no cowering.
Such pureblood empowering
Should only cause glowering.
What a mess.
I will go and get the prefects
Maybe they can solve this mystery
Every one has to do his part
Up until this school is monster free.
Prefects shall patrol the halls now,
We need safety.

He sees NOTTINGSTOM's head

Merlin's beard!

Meanwhile, in the chamber

RIDDLE (to the BASILISK)
Glad you're finally eating?
I enjoy the vengeance.
Ever since our meeting
We've been working together fine.
And the bloody Mudbloods…
It's them we're defeating.

DUMBLEDORE's VOICE (magnified through the school)
Prefects meet in the great hall now.

RIDDLE
Merlin's beard!
They've found out you're eating.
We must be more cautious
Or we could be greeting
Murder charges in Azkaban.
God, that makes me nauseous
I'd sit in there bleating.
And Dementors could suck my soul.
(looks at his watch) Merlin's beard!
Can't be here!

Exits and rushes through a group of students to get to the Great Hall.

Excuse me.
(Enters) Yes, Professor Dumbledore?

DUMBLEDORE
Ah yes, Tom,
We have a crisis here
Two students are dead.

RIDDLE
What?

DUMBLEDORE
That's what I said.
Their heads lying on the ground
Are all that we have found.

RIDDLE
Well, who did it? Have you figured that out yet?

DUMBLEDORE
No idea, no idea.
Til the others arrive,
Eat and drink and survive.

RIDDLE
Well, who's
The suspect?

DUMBLEDORE
Now, don't think me vicious
Your house can be malicious
They're rather suspicious
And…

Half an hour later, back in the chamber.

RIDDLE
We must soon stop eating
Slytherin's suspected
We won't be repeating
Two kills, and to look innocent
I'll turn in some students
I suspect of cheating.
It'll still hurt the Gryffindors.
Merlin's beard, this is a nightmare.

BASILISK
We can't stop it
It's our own and grimmest mission
Not to stop it
We need to go on.

RIDDLE
Muggles all deserve perdition,
But first we avoid suspicion.
No attacks!
No more attacks!

BASILISK
You mean no
More attacks forever?

RIDDLE
Of course not
That wouldn't do at all.

BASILISK
Good, we mustn't stall
Thought you'd lost your balls.
Once we've stopped being observed
They'd better be unnerved
Because Hades calls!
We are coming, we are coming!

RIDDLE
But we won't get our fill
If we're caught in the kill
That won't do at all!
So we've
Gotta stop the eating
'Til Dumble's placated.
Suspicions are fleeting.
Murders can wait a few days til
Slytherin's vacated
Their suspicious seating.
Oh well, go on a diet
We've gotta keep quiet.

BASILISK (exasperated)
Oh, Merlin's beard!
That is a mess that's
Epic, I'm a hungry snake
Oh, Merlin, I expect too much.

Up in the Great Hall, DIPPET addresses the school

DIPPET (simultaneous with below)
There's been attacks
On some students
Both were just found,
Well, their particular heads.
Since they've been dead
Prefects were sent
To where they bled.
If their attacker comes back-
We have a few safety precautions
To use.
Refuse
None of them.
They'll save you.

STUDENTS (simultaneous with above)
That's awful
That's awful
That's frightening!
That's awful
We'll put all your safety precautions
To use
Refusing none.
We'll look after each other.

SLYTHERINS
And so the heir has come…

A week later, in the Chamber

RIDDLE
Our next attacks
On the students
Shall be discreet
Yet the best signals we've sent.
We'll have all the
Mudbloods beat

BASILISK
It's perfect!
It's perfect!
We'll be discreet - it's perfect!
Sending the signals out - it's perfect!
Now.

STUDENTS (simultaneous with above)
Help!
Help!
Help!

RIDDLE, BASILISK
The fear and murder we'll hand out
Shall frighten all.
We'll fill them all with terror and doubt.
The scum will fall.

STUDENTS (simultaneous with above)
Help! Help!
Help! Help!
Help! Help!
Help! Help!

RIDDLE
It seems just like
We strike just like a snake.

BASILISK
So sad
So bad
They'll all go mad.

RIDDLE
Those rotters
Who we both slaughter.

STUDENTS (simultaneous with above)
Help!
Help!
Help! Help!

RIDDLE
But wait…
But wait…
Now!

BASILISK
Attack now?

RIDDLE
Yes, what did you think I meant?

BASILISK
Now?

RIDDLE (simultaneous with below)
Yes, right now.
We'll take
Another Mudblood.
We must pick someone.
Gryffindors had enough
So let's hurt Hufflepuff.
They've got all the right stuff
The murder will be rough
But fun.

BASILISK (simultaneous with above)
We can pick someone.
I've had muscle enough
So let's hurt Hufflepuff
They've got all the right stuff.
Won't taste that bad.
Won't taste that bad.
Not the first that's attacked
My intestinal tract.

RIDDLE
We'll kill one kid.
We'll leave no head.
One kid.
Eat him
Completely.

Next morning

DUMBLEDORE (finding a petrified student)
An attack!
Yet more
Attacks!
More!

PREFECTS
Damn
Not
More!

RIDDLE (from among the prefects, to himself)
Petrified!
He's not
Quite died!
Petrified?!

In the chamber

RIDDLE
Show more care
'Cause petrified kids won't unseat them
I'm the Heir
They need to know I'm back!
Show more care
'Cause if they're stone after you meet 'em
That'll make sure you can't eat 'em!
Next attack!
Back on track!
I hope Dumbledore is sacked!

RIDDLE
Next student we're eating
Has to make an impact
My suggestion's Keating.
Tonight
We will go after him.
He plays Quidditch, in fact
Last game was a beating.

BASILISK
Our next attacks
On the students
Shall be discreet
Yet the best signals we've sent.
We'll have all the
Mudbloods beat

STUDENTS
Help!
Help!
Help!
Help! Help!
Help!
Help!

RIDDLE
He's just beat his last Bludger off!

BOTH
Merlin's beard, we're taking
Everyone who tastes the least bit
Muggle-born scum down to our own chamber -

ALL
Merlin's beard!

Tom Riddle

To the tune of Johanna (third rendition)

The scene: DUMBLEDORE's office. DUMBLEDORE is staring into his Pensieve, where his speculations regarding the culprit are being shown. A THOUGHT OF RIDDLE is currently floating above the basin.

THOUGHT OF RIDDLE:
I'll frame them
For my crimes…
I'll frame them.
Do they think that they can trust me? Even now I see them murdered.
All of my victims they must be…
They'll all feel the lash of Slytherin -
The Mudbloods…

DUMBLEDORE sadly steps back from the Pensieve

DUMBLEDORE
And are you Salazar's own heir
With every force of hate
Marshaled within that piercing stare
At once evil and great,
Tom Riddle?

An image of RIDDLE'S MOTHER, MEROPE appears on the surface of the PENSIEVE

MEROPE
Tom Riddle…

DUMBLEDORE
Your hatred could have reached its peak
Looking in my Pensieve
Though first your mum would yell and shriek
She later did forgive
Tom Riddle.

You're strong, Tom Riddle… So studious and grave…

You're brave, Tom Riddle, you're brave.

The scene shifts to RIDDLE's bed in the Slytherin dungeons. RIDDLE is fast asleep, but he's muttering, too low for anyone around him to hear

RIDDLE
Fools! Fools!
Scream out in horror!
Scream, for you're facing
Voldemort's ire!
Scream!
Scream!
My hate's made my conscience numb!
I live to kill those Muggle scum
Mother, you see what I've become?
Voldemort's ire!
Voldemort's ire!
Murder!
Murder!
Murder…

RIDDLE lapses back into peaceful sleep. The scene shifts back to DUMBLEDORE's office.

DUMBLEDORE
The puzzle behind your dark face
Could drive a man insane
You seem to be in a safe place
But I can feel your pain,
Tom Riddle…

MEROPE
I'll never ever desert him
Never desert him…
Tom Riddle…

DUMBLEDORE
And if his mother isn't here
You'd never know it hurt

MEROPE
Tom Riddle…

DUMBLEDORE
His face is always bright and clear,
So studious, alert,
Tom Riddle…

MEROPE
I wouldn't dream that I'd hurt him
That I could hurt him…

DUMBLEDORE and MEROPE
You are, Tom Riddle/Tom Riddle…

DUMBLEDORE
A puzzle I can't solve
You test my very
Resolve.
My great resolve…

MEROPE
I hope he brings pride to Slytherin…

Switch back to RIDDLE's bedroom.

RIDDLE
Death!
Death!
Damnable Muggles, meet your death!
I laugh as you breathe your last breath!
Voldemort's ire!
I'm strong, unlike some
Foolish Muggles, so weak and dumb
Dumbledore, you have lost this fight, old chum
Don't defend bastards like Nottingstom!
Don't defend them, no, fool!
Voldemort's ire!
Voldemort's ire!
Murder!
Murder!
Murder!
Death!
Help…help…

Switch back to DUMBLEDORE's office.

DUMBLEDORE
Whether the heir is you or not
My suspicions aren't quelled There's some disease that you have caught
Right from the mouth of hell,
Tom Riddle.

RIDDLE's ghostly voice comes from his bedroom

RIDDLE
Voldemort…

MEROPE
I'd never ever desert him
Never desert him…

DUMBLEDORE
I'll cure you of that bug within
And evil that it makes
Even if you're a Slytherin
I'll do all that it takes,
Tom Riddle…

RIDDLE
You've fallen…
Tom Riddle…

MEROPE
I'd never hurt him
I'd never hurt him…

DUMBLEDORE (Resolutely)
No fear, Tom Riddle!
It's only a bad dream!
You could, Tom Riddle, redeem…
Your house…

MEROPE vanishes to be replaced by the image of GHOST RIDDLE

GHOST RIDDLE
I'll frame…them…

I'd Be Free

To the tune of By the Sea

RIDDLE and the BASILISK are relaxing in the Chamber. The BASILISK looks a bit perturbed.

BASILISK
Well, Voldemort,
Are you happy?
We attacked a-
Nother student with a mirror
You know what we ought to do, Voldemort?
Rather than
Staying hidden down in here?
What I'd like to have occur
On the moment's spur?
But you'll say no, that's for sure.

RIDDLE
What?

BASILISK
No, you'll say no, that's for sure.

RIDDLE
No, no, I won't, I won't.

BASILISK (spoken) Well…I think we should just get out of this dank little chamber and strike out on our own, that is, once you're finished with school.
(sung) I'd be free
If we did.
You could not be foiled
'Cause Aurors
Couldn't land
One spell on my coils.
In your court, Voldemort
You could have your snake
And could make every Mudblood shake
And I'd be free…

RIDDLE
Doesn't sound so bad…

BASILISK
Wouldn't that be lovely?

RIDDLE gives him a sarcastic look

Murdering Muggle-borns wouldn't be the same, sir
If we left the whole school and this bloody chamber
Every day, every night
If you'd say you're willing
We could go on forever, killing
And I'd be free
We could slink and slither
And I'd be free
Resistance would wither
And I'd be free

RIDDLE
Doesn't sound so bad
Doesn't sound so bad.

BASILISK
I can see me hissing
While you're off pissing
On Muggle bodies.
Hiss hiss!

The image revolts RIDDLE. He makes a face.

So many missing
It's far too shoddy
To mi-iss.
Hiss hiss.
I'd murder Muggles and when I'm done,
I'd bathe my coils in the warm, warm sun
This chamber ain't scenic
I'm getting anemic
I just shouldn't seem sick as thi-is.

RIDDLE
Doesn't sound so bad.

BASILISK
After your seventh year
In this gloomy castle
We'd escape this chamber
And all of the hassle
Of you being afraid
Of risking expulsion
We can cause the whole world repulsion.
I'd be free

RIDDLE
Doesn't sound so bad.

BASILISK
We could be so clever
I'd be free
We could kill forever
I'd be free, ha, hiss hiss
I'd be totally free!
Now we're meretricious
And quite seditious
Hiss hiss.
We're far too vicious
To ever, ever desist.
If we left this chamber,
Well, in effect
Against us Aurors
Could not protect.
They might keep on trying
While Muggles keep dying
And down in hell frying
To crisps!

RIDDLE, who we all know is a sadist, is starting to look a bit sick at the BASILISK's orgy of sadistic imaginings. This is strong stuff.

BASILISK
I'd be free
We'd both leave through a hidden portal
It's a pity that you
Cannot get immortal.

RIDDLE's eyes light up at this.

BASILISK
We could send Muggles home to their friends in hearses
While you practiced your Dark Arts curses
I'd be free.
Now, wouldn't you choose it
Me being free?
Dumbledore would lose it
With me free, yes, he would,
And to kill we'd be free!

OWL Exam Sequence

To the tune of Wigmaker Sequence

The scene is the period during which the OWL Exams are administered. RIDDLE is just preparing to take his History of Magic Exam. As the bell rings, he begins writing, muttering the answers to himself.

RIDDLE
There's Grimbold, Gurk and Goiley
And Gravinbad the third
(Writes it down) There's Grimbold, Gurk and Goiley
And Gravinbad the third.
Good.
Next question: Who was killed in 940?
A wizard known as miserable Morty.

The chorus of DEATH EATERS enter the scene as RIDDLE freezes.

DEATH EATERS
Voldie's fifth year was over soon
He left Hogwarts starting in June
In his sixth year, there was more peace
And all the killings did not increase
After finishing his sixth year
He was envied by all his peers.
His grades were high, he had mastered
All the Mudbloods could not, the bastards.
Voldie finished the year with pride
All composed and completely posed
To join the dark side.
And Voldie
Voldie
Became strong
Voldie
Fought for wrong
Did Voldie, Voldieeee!

We return to RIDDLE, who is now on the last question.

RIDDLE
With javelins and wands he
Was beaten,
At the three thousandth battle of Eaton…
No, no, it's Essex, not Eaton…

He gets up and hands the exam to his proctor. Sinister music begins as the CHORUS OF DEATH EATERS comes back in and start reading from a note addressed to "TM RIDDLE."

DEATH EATERS (Variously)
To Mr. Tom Marvolo
Marvolo Riddle
We are most pleased to write you this
Report on the scores you obtained on the OWL
Test
Are such that you qualify for NEWT levels
NEWT Levels, NEWT Levels
In the institutions where you
So well did perform on
The test where you achieved honors.
We will encourage you to continue your studies
In every possible subject
You can take.
Since you received an O on each test
No need
To select them.
We await your owl.
Your owl…
Your obedient humble servant
Claud Malfoy.

The DEATH EATERS smile ominously as they read this last line and then exit.

No One's Gonna Find You

To the tune of No One's Gonna Harm You

The scene is the cupboard where HAGRID hid ARAGOG. HAGRID, now in his third year, is feeding the spider and looking around shiftily.

HAGRID (spoken)
Choke it down, Aragog. It's all I can get you.

ARAGOG (spoken)
You could have done much, much better, master.

HAGRID
Do yeh have to keep reminding me? Jus' eat, fer gawssakes, yeh'll need it.

ARAGOG
Isn't it suspicious that you're sneaking food down here every evening?

HAGRID
Nah, I don't think no one'll notice. They're all too busy trying to catch that heir of Slytherin bloke.

ARAGOG
Heir of Slytherin? Well, couldn't they believe it was you if they found me.

HAGRID (sternly) Aragog, don't talk like that. I won't let anyone hurt you, yeh understand that? No one.
(sung) No one's gonna find you
Unless we're both found.
No one's gonna find you, buddy
Unless we're both found.
Nobody knows that you're down here
And they won't.
You shouldn't cause nobody fear
And you don't.

ARAGOG (spoken)
You can't guarantee that, but it's comforting enough to hear.

HAGRID (sung)
No one's gonna look here
They would never think
A monster was took here And this heir bloke couldn't stand the stink.
I know you're frightened, so am I
But, small fry
Do not fear.
No one will find you
Unless we're…
Both found.

ARAGOG (spoken) You say no one knows we're here? What about that friend of yours? The evil looking one? Tom Riddle?

HAGRID (laughs)
Not to worry, not to worry
Tom may not look nice, but he ain't bad
He seems mean, but
Keeps his mouth shut
Besides, he's a rather loyal lad.
Not to worry, boy.
Being discreet
And keeping quiet
Are assets of Tom's.
He's too busy
Wondering why it
Is he lost his mom
And dad…

ARAGOG (spoken)
Well, Hagrid, you're certainly good to me, even if it does stink down here. I feel as warm and fuzzy as a spider could feel inside.
(sung) No one's gonna find me
On these castle grounds
No one's gonna find me, Hagrid
Unless we're both found. My eight legs need some
Exercise.
Untie me.
I yearn for freedom
But I prize My safety.

HAGRID
I know you're frightened, so am I
But, small fry
Do not fear.
No one will find you
Unless we're…
Both found.

Toilet Songs

To the tune of Parlor Songs

The scene is a set of girls' toilets. MYRTLE is sitting there in one of the stalls, crying.

MYRTLE (singing)
Dumb Olive Hornby
Can't stay away…
Taunts me because of my glasses.
I hate that witch, she's a bitch 'cause she's mean
And a witch who's a bitch to me all the time!
And the teasing hurts way too much
Yes, the teasing hurts way too much!

RIDDLE enters and moves toward the sink. As he does so, he hears MYRTLE singing. Intrigued by the bizarre sound, he moves closer to the stall to listen.

MYRTLE
Dumb Olive Hornby
Ruined my day
God, how she taunts and harasses!
I hate that witch, she's a bitch, 'cause she's mean
And a witch who's a bitch and is far too mean
And always preens
And makes fun of me!
And the teasing hurts way too much
And the teasing hurts way too much!

She starts to cry. RIDDLE, meanwhile, has great difficulty containing his laughter. Deciding this has gone on long enough, he moves toward the faucet and hisses at it. Of course, as we know historically, this is when MYRTLE makes the mistake of peeking out and comes face to face with the BASILISK. RIDDLE is gleeful.

RIDDLE
Finally dead
No, she's not petrified!
The fool
The fool
The whiner has died.
The fool
The fool
Not petrified, no, the whiner has died.
The fool.

BASILISK
Now calm down, master
It's only a kill
One kill
One kill
I guess that's your will
But still
But still
It's just a kill, even if that's your will.
One dead.
One dead.

RIDDLE (spoken)
Oh come on now! How much fun can it be to have finally killed someone? And besides, finally you get a meal.

BASILISK (spoken)
Hmm, good point.
(sung) One finally dead,
No, she's not petrified.
I guess
I was
Simply
Stupid to chide.
The fool.
The fool.
The fool!
Not petrified, I was stupid to chide.
The fool
The fool
The fool.

Realizing how stupid he sounds

Enough of this
We are both acting drunk
Enough
Enough
Enough
Enough

Sniffs MYRTLE

My god, this girl stunk.
Oh well,
Let's eat
Then we'll
Go on.
Man, this girl stunk, but we're both acting drunk.

RIDDLE
Eat up!
Eat up!
Eat up!
Eat up!

Finale/Epilogue

To the tune of the same name

In the midst of the previous highly comic moment between the BASILISK and RIDDLE, the CHORUS OF DEATH EATERS appears.

DEATH EATERS

Tom Riddle left, his murder done
And took a train up to Hangleton
Voldie had one more sacrifice
To make to his hate and just one would suffice
To pay the price he did extort,
Did Voldemort
The mastermind of the Dark (Voldie!) Mark!
Voldie!
Voldie!
Voldie!
Voldie!
Voldie!
Voldie!
Vooooooooolllldiiiiieeeee!

Fifteen minutes later, the corpse has been discovered and a panic has occurred.

STUDENTS
Slytherin's ire
Myrtle is dead
And the murderer
Vanished once again,
It's the end of the school, yes!
Slytherin's ire.
Monsters rising!
Stirrings in the school
And the chamber is open now!
Watch out!
Look!
Right behind you, watch out,
Shadows here, everywhere, it's
Slytherin's ire!
Slytherin's ire!
Slytherin's ire!

HAGRID (running to the basement)
I fear for Aragog's safety
What if he's been hurt?
Aragog's safety…
It does disconcert…
Help me!

STUDENTS
Slytherin's ire
Myrtle is dead
And the murderer
Vanished once again,
It's the end of the school, yes!
Slytherin's ire.
Monsters rising!
Stirrings in the school
And the chamber is open now!
Watch out!
Look!
Right behind you, watch out,
Shadows here, everywhere, it's
Slytherin's ire!
Slytherin's ire!
Slytherin's ire!

DUMBLEDORE (rushing through them)
Riddle, where are you boy?
Riddle, where are you lad?
He's a half-blood as well. What if he was found?
Riddle?
Anyone seen him?
What if it attacked him as well?
What if he was found?
Riddle?!
What if he did it?
Is it him…?

STUDENTS
Slytherin's ire
Myrtle is dead
And the murderer
Vanished once again,
It's the end of the school, yes!

RIDDLE, meanwhile, has arrived in Little Hangleton and is searching frantically for his father's address.

RIDDLE
Riddle…Riddle…
Where's the address? I need it!
I must find the place…
Riddle, Riddle…Daddy, where are you? You're a wicked one.

You've let me alone for my whole life
And now I have come to destroy you! Kill you!
Bastard!
Where are you…Father, Father…?

The CHORUS OF DEATH EATERS comes in as RIDDLE suddenly catches sight of the trail to the Gaunt House.

DEATH EATERS
Voldemort's ire!
Riddle is there
And Lord Voldemort
Rises in him now,
It's the end of Tom Riddle!
Volemort's ire.
Voldemort comes!
Stirrings in his soul
And Lord Voldemort's risen!
Watch out!
Look!
Right inside him, watch out,
Voldemort's everywhere now!

In Hogwarts.

HAGRID (spoken)
Aragog?

ARAGOG (spoken)
I'm right here. What is it, Hagrid?

HAGRID
There's been another kill. Wait here and I'll return to get you out in a couple of hours.

ARAGOG
Can't you get me out quicker than that?

HAGRID
No, there's crowds everywhere!
(Sung) Spider,
Do not fear, do not fear, Aragog, do not fear
Nothing will, nothing will hurt us both
I'm sure
Soon you will truly be gone, alive in the wild
And I will have finished my school years.
And I won't forget my first pet monster
Neither now nor when I'm a proper sorcerer.
I'll return then and find you
Right here…

Back in Little Hangleton, RIDDLE comes up on MORFIN GAUNT singing a little deranged tune to his snake in Parseltongue

MORFIN
Snakey…Snakey, how are you?
Snakey, here, Snakey
(maniacally)Snakey, snakey, snakey, snakey, snakey
Come to Morfin,
Oh, come to Morfin
Oh snakey, snakey, snakey, snakey, snakey, snakey…

Suddenly spots RIDDLE in the doorway and lunges at him

You!!!!

RIDDLE (puts up his hand, spoken)
Stop.

MORFIN (spoken)
You speak it?

RIDDLE
Yes, I speak it. Where is Marvolo?

MORFIN
Dead, died years ago, didn't he?

RIDDLE
Who are you, then?

MORFIN
I'm Morfin, ain't I?

RIDDLE
Marvolo's son?

MORFIN
'Course I am, then. I thought you was that Muggle, you look mighty like that Muggle.

RIDDLE
What Muggle?

MORFIN
That Muggle what my sister took a fancy to, that Muggle what lives in the big house over the way. You look right like him, Riddle. But he's older no, in ‘e? He's older'n you, now I think on it. He come back, see.

RIDDLE
Riddle came back?

MORFIN
Ar, he left her, and serve her right, marrying filth! (This causes RIDDLE to twitch) Robbed us, mind, before she ran off! Where's the locket, eh, where's Slytherin's locket? Dishonored us, she did, that little slut! And who're you, coming here and asking questions about all that? It's over innit…it's over…

(sung) Who are you now, you noser?

RIDDLE (under his breath)
I have no time. Stupefy!

The music erupts as the flash of light occurs. RIDDLE steps over and picks up his uncle's wand happily, turning it over sensuously in his fingers. RIDDLE then leaves the hovel and advances slowly on the house of his father, moving stealthily up the path until he gets to the front door, which he knocks on, pulling his cloak over his face to obscure his features. Tom RIDDLE SR. answers the door.

RIDDLE SR. (spoken)
What are you selling?

RIDDLE (sung)
I'm only just a traveler in town.

RIDDLE SR.
Well, what do you want with me?

RIDDLE (sung)
I assume I'm addressing Tom Riddle.

RIDDLE SR.
Yes.

RIDDLE (sung)
Good.
Listen, I have some news you might want to hear. Could I come in?

RIDDLE SR.
Er…

RIDDLE (sung)
It's your first wife.

RIDDLE SR. (sung)
It's my first wife? Yes,
(Spoken) I suppose you had better come in.

RIDDLE (spoken)
Good, thank you.
(sung) It's your first wife.
She bore you a son, you knew that.
It's your first wife,
Your wife's son, he wants to meet you.
He's a wizard, like her
If you couldn't tell.
Just has finished up at wizard
School - he has done quite well.
Quite well.

RIDDLE SR. (spoken)
I want you to leave! I don't care for his kind here, after I was hoodwinked by that tramp!

RIDDLE (spoken)
I should've known you'd say that, I guess.

RIDDLE SR.
What? What's that?

RIDDLE (throws off his hood)
Well, no doubt the years have changed me, but then perhaps unless you are frightened, the offspring of your first wife is not particularly recognizable!

RIDDLE SR. (terrified)
You're her son!

RIDDLE
Yes, I'm your first wife's son! Avada Kedavra!

RIDDLE SR. drops dead at his feet. RIDDLE holds up his wand and suddenly his eyes turn red. He is now completely VOLDEMORT.

VOLDEMORT
Well, Tom, my friend
You see your power?
Sleep now, I'll take care of all of your troubles.

He whirls his cloak around him and appears back in Hogsmeade. The CHORUS OF DEATH EATERS watch him as he advances up the hill.

DEATH EATERS
Use your wand and kill, Voldie
Win all of your fights!
Don't forgive the ones who'd give the
Muggles rights!

The scene changes to one week later. HAGRID has been expelled and ARAGOG has escaped. We are now in DUMBLEDORE's office. VOLDEMORT is sitting there and DUMBLEDORE is sitting across from him, sipping tea.

DUMBLEDORE (spoken)
Tom, I don't know where you were that night. I do, however, recognize that you could not possibly have done anything to kill that poor girl and I apologize for my suspicions. (he sighs) You're free to-(then, stuck by a sudden inspiration) Tom, a while back I stopped you looking at a memory. . I have decided it might be a good idea to let you see that memory in full now. I have kept it in my Pensieve and have even performed some charms so that you may be able to see what actually happened after you remember.

VOLDEMORT moves forward curiously as DUMBLEDORE gets out the Pensieve and lets VOLDEMORT plunge his face into it as DUMBLEDORE follows. Once again, MEROPE GAUNT and the MIDWIFE are in the same position. We are picking up from where the last portion of the memory ended

MEROPE:
.....I hope he…he…AHHHH!

MIDWIFE (spoken)
Easy there…wait a bit…look…

She pulls the crying baby RIDDLE out of the placenta

It's a beautiful baby boy!

MEROPE (hesitates for a bit, then takes the baby)
Oh, Tom…Tom Marvolo Riddle…my baby…I'm so, so sorry. But I'm also so glad…so happy I get to hold you…oh, the fact that I get to share this experience with you and my husband doesn't…that's enough…oh, that's all the revenge I need. (She smiles up at the ceiling) Thank you, Tom. Thank you for giving me my boy…I forgive you, Tom…I forgive…

MEROPE slumps over as the baby wails.

VOLDEMORT and DUMBLEDORE flow out of the Pensieve. VOLDEMORT stands there for a second in shock, then screams and bursts into tears

VOLDEMORT
OH NO!

For a moment he is RIDDLE again

I thought she hated him…

RIDDLE rounds on DUMBLEDORE. He needs someone to blame.

You knew this! From the day I came into your office, you knew I was doing the exact opposite!

DUMBLEDORE (shocked)
Tom, what on earth do you mean?

VOLDEMORT materializes as a ghost next to RIDDLE. He is clearly invisible and inaudible to DUMBLEDORE.

RIDDLE (spits at DUMBLEDORE)
You lied to me!

He is crouched over the Pensieve, sobbing. This portion is sung

Mother…how could I forgive?
Mother…Oh, my God…
Mother…what have I done?

VOLDEMORT (simultaneous with above)
Yes, yes, he lied you know
Always telling lies
Your mother would not have said that
Her mem'ry it denies.
Your mum
She died in a way with no dignity
She could not have said that ever, it couldn't be she!
Should've been a vengeful oath, he tampered with her mem'ry.
(points at DUMBLEDORE) He lied!
Now your hate is finally free!
Yes, your mother did love you
And I loved you just the same
Yes, she loved you
Could a girl like her have said
"Forgive?"

VOLDEMORT merges with RIDDLE, effectively canceling RIDDLE out. VOLDEMORT turns to DUMBLEDORE with a sneer on his face.

DUMBLEDORE (simultaneous with below)
Are you alright?
Everything she said I swear
Is true
She wanted you to love,
Believe me!
Why will you not
Listen?

VOLDEMORT (simultaneous with above)
Well, Professor,
You're a clever bugger
Eminently serpentine, almost as Slytherin as I am
As you are a Gryffindor,
I cannot take this seriously!
You can take your love!
It's a mistake, your love!
Mum's dead!
She's dead!
Your belief Muggles should be allowed

DUMBLEDORE
Tom, what are you,
Tom, what are you
Saying to me?

VOLDEMORT
Would have made great Godric Gryffindor proud.

DUMBLEDORE
What are you saying, Tom?
Are you going crazy?
This diatribe, Riddle,
Is simply amazing.

VOLDEMORT stands up defiantly and glares at DUMBLEDORE, his eyes starting to acquire a reddish tinge

VOLDEMORT
I'm not Tom Riddle,
Tom Riddle's dead!
I am Lord Voldemort
Just Lord Voldemort
THE Lord Voldemort!

The whole scene goes black and VOLDEMORT is left in the middle of a scalding light. His eyes turn red and his face becomes the mask of evil that it becomes after Hogwarts.

VOLDEMORT (slowly, tenderly)
There was a mother and her child
And he was powerful
A happy mother and her child
He had beliefs that she thought wild
And he was powerful
And heir of Slytherin
But he was…half-blood.
(laughs a high, cold laugh) Voldemort…Voldemort's on his way.
Become afraid…no…no, prepare to die…
Do not scream or cry
For in my eye
All in hell will fry.
Get ready, be prepared
And Mudbloods, start to pray.
For all shall fall under
Lord Voldemort's sway.

The factory whistle sounds and the light on VOLDEMORT vanishes.

The Final Ballad of Voldemort

To the tune of The Ballad of Sweeney Todd (VI)

The scene changes to the graveyard where the story began. All the characters enter except, of course, for VOLDEMORT.

HAGRID
Attend the tale of Voldemort
His skin was pale and his patience short.

DUMBLEDORE
He held the purebloods under his sway
And killed all the others who got in the way
He killed Muggles like it was sport
Did Voldemort
The mastermind of the Dark Mark.

BASILISK
He always left his victims slain
Their faces frozen in looks of pain
He called the Muggle and Mudblood scum
And then he consigned them to a martyrdom.
Did Voldie, did Voldemort
The mastermind of the Dark Mark.

BLOODY BARON, MYRTLE
Use your wand and kill, Voldie! Win all of your fights
Don't forgive the ones who'd give
The Muggles rights!

ALL
His darker side is far too great
His need for love has become his hate.
He wears robes, all of which are bloodstained
While Slytherin's lineage churns in his veins.
Dark magic is the grim cohort
Of Voldemort
The mastermind of the Dark Mark.

DUMBLEDORE
Voldie tortures and Voldie kills
Voldie subjugates others' wills,
Relishing his every victim
Wishing his mother would come back to him.

BASILISK
Immortality is his goal,
Causing Voldie to split his soul
And as his sway grows and it worsens,
Voldie exists in every person.

ALL
Voldie tortures and Voldie kills
Blood and tears are what Voldie spills…
Does Voldie!
There he is, it's Voldie!
Voldie! Voldie!
There! There! There! There!
There! There! There!
Pointing to the cauldron

There!

VOLDEMORT rises from the cauldron and flashes an evil grin at his surroundings.

VOLDEMORT (and COMPANY)
Attend the tale of Voldemort! (Attend the tale of Voldemort!)
My evil plans I will not abort! (His evil plans he will not abort!)

My blackened soul, my broken heart

BASILISK
Are broken into equally tiny parts…

BOTH
By Lord V.

ALL
By Voldemort
The mastermind of the Dark…Mark!

ALL except VOLDEMORT apparate away. VOLDEMORT stares at the sky, then raises his wand.

VOLDEMORT:
MORSMORDRE!

The entire scene turns bright green as the DARK MARK floats up into the sky. As it fully crystallizes directly above VOLDEMORT's head, he apparates away as the last note sounds in the orchestra.


Harry Potter the Musical(s)

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