A Vast LEPHT-Wing Conspiracy - A Lord Voldemort Musical

A Vast LEPHT-Wing Conspiracy

A Dark Arts musical for villains only based on A Chorus Line (lyrics by Edward Kleban, music by Marvin Hamlisch)

I Hope We Get Him
I Can Do Bad
At The Burrow
Thing!
Evil!Wolf, Evil!Dumble, Evil!Elf
Nothing
The Magic and the Mirror
In Fanfic
Son
What I Did For Fudge
One

NOTE: This Chorus Line parody is based on the 1975 Original Cast Recording

I Hope We Get Him (to the tune of I Hope I Get It)

THE SCENE: LORD VOLDEMORT'S very own Room of Requirement. Tonight, the room has assumed the form of a very large, but seemingly empty, Broadway theatre. A small chamber orchestra of self-playing instruments tunes up in the theatre pit. Emblazoned on the back wall of the stage is the logo of LEPHT - The League of Extraordinary Potter-Hating Troublemakers - a lightning bolt and a pair of black round glasses, with the universal ban sign slashed across them.

Theatre-goers (with a distinctively Dark Arts look) begin filing in, and the auditorium is soon SRO. The audience buzzes with pleasurable anticipation.

Enter the DARK LORD, on stage, as the curtain rises. In the center of the stage stands none other than the famous Goblet of Fire from Book Four. We now see the stage is filled with robed figures of varying height, still buried in semi-darkness. They begin moving about the stage in a synchronized sequence as VOLDEMORT walks them through a particularly difficult spell sequence.

VOLDEMORT (spoken)
Again...Swish, flick, kick, flesh, blood, bone...
Again...Swish, flick, kick, flesh, blood, bone...
Again...Swish, flick, kick, flesh, blood, bone...
Again...Swish, flick, kick, flesh, blood, bone...
LEPHT!
That connects with slash, gash, gall
With blood, curse
Again...Swish, flick, kick, flesh, blood, bone...
Got it? Going on, and curse, curse, smash down,
Back stab, Privet smash, curse, curse, curse!
Right, let's do the whole incantation
Facing away from the Goblet
From the top! A-Five, six, seven, hate!

As the orchestra enters with a powerful crescendo, the entire stage is quickly flooded in light, and we can clearly see the participants on stage, all dressed in Death Eater robes. Amidst their virtuoso gyrations, the figures remain hooded. A few of the figures are of unusual height (both unusually tall & unusually short).

CHORUS OF CONSPIRATORS (music)
Lord, I hope we get him, I hope we get him!
How many wizards can I kill? How many witches can I kill?
Lord, I hope I get him! I hope I get him!
Just kill the boy, we rule the world
Just kill the boy, we rule the….
Look at all the Eaters, at all the Eaters
How many Eaters does he need? Just kill the boy, we rule the world
How many Eaters does he ...

DOLOHOV (beneath his DE robes)
I really hate that git!
Please, Lord, I hate that git!
I've got to get that git!

VOLDEMORT (spoken)
Stage left, wizards
Let's do the DE incantation
First group of witches, second group to follow.
One, two, three, four, Book Six...

Instrumental sequence, with conspirators gracefully pirouetting about the stage

CHORUS (music)
Lord, we're gonna do it, we're gonna do it!
How could we lose to such a brat? How could we lose to such a...?
Now, we're gonna break him
We're gonna break him!
We do not like the way he looks.
We know he hasn't got a chance
We do not like the way he...

Instrumental sequence

VOLDEMORT (spoken)
All right, let me see the humans
The whole group. Ready, A-five, six, seven, hate!

Instrumental, as the robed humans display their choreographic virtuosity

Okay, non-humans, A-five, six, seven, hate!

Instrumental, as a group of robed figures with four, eight and no legs go through an elaborate dance sequence

CHORUS (music)
Lord, I know we'll get him, I know we'll get him!
I knew he's dead meat from Day One
Who's dying next? What horrors now?
Voldy is so clever
I cannot imagine that he'll lose, he is so evil
I cannot imagine that he'll lose
Lord, I hope we get him, I hope we get him!
The Dark Lord says that he predicts: It will be Seven, not Book Six.
How many Eaters does he...?
I really hate that git
Please, Lord, I hate that git, I've got to get that git!

ROOKWOOD (beneath his robes):
Who are we, anyway? We're Voldy's protégés
We are the peons of our patron You-Know-Who.
Here's what he wants from me
Hate times infinity
So many villains all around and here we go,
I hate that git, Dark Lord, we need you so….

VOLDEMORT (addressing the audience): Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, witches and wizards, devoted disciples, fellow-worshippers of darkness and discord. The climactic Book Seven battle between myself and Harry Potter is just around the corner, and a well-organized Dark Lord knows that it's never too early to start planning ahead. With that thought in mind, I have decided that it is incumbent upon me to audition for a champion, an ally, one who will accompany me to the "The Last Battle," and with whose aid I shall once and for all triumph over the forces of light and benevolence. Accordingly, I have assembled a meeting tonight of LEPHT - The League of Extraordinary Potter-Hating Troublemakers - to hold try-outs for this role of Death Eater Champion….the wizard or witch most highly-versed in the Dark Arts….the one individual whose hatred of Potter is of the same magnitude as my own - and last but not least, somebody who really knows how to tap their toes while carrying a good tune…..

To that end, I had previously asked the members of LEPHT to enter their names into the Goblet of Fire - the very same Goblet used by the opposition in Book Four - and it will issue forth those names it deems most worthy of consideration. It has informed me in advance that it has selected nine such nominees for tonight, though even I do not as yet know their identities……

As the candidates are nominated, they will then have a chance to tell us why they are the best choice to oppose Potter. I will then ask our assembled audience to cast their votes for their choice of Death Eater champion. That champion will be granted the honor of accompanying me in our climactic Book Seven victory.

And if we can, folks, let's try to wrap this whole thing up by 11 o'clock - I can save seven galleons if I can return the Goblet to Magik Artifacks Rentals before tomorrow.

So, to those of you who are about to be selected: I think it would be better if I knew a little more about you - about your personalities. So I'm going to ask you some questions. And I want to hear you talk. Treat it like an interview. I just want to hear you talk and be yourselves. And to facilitate that end, I've spiked your bottled water with Veritaserum.

The Goblet begins to emit sparks, and spews forth a parchment, which is intercepted by VOLDEMORT

The first candidate is none other than that heavy-lidded, light-fingered, tough-talking baby-talking babe, the Queen of Mean, Bellatrix Lestrange!

BELLATRIX LESTRANGE, dressed in PVC and six-inch heels, unveils and strides lasciviously forward to sustained and enthusiastic applause

BELLATRIX (flirtatiously): Master, you once promised that I should be honored beyond my dreams….My dream is that I should only to pay homage to you - and to see to it that your opponents die hideous painful deaths…..I've put Frank and Sirius out of commission for good, and I can promise you that I'll do the very same thing to Potter…..

I Can Do Bad (to the tune of I Can Do That)

BELLATRIX
I'm watchin' Frank with pain go mad
Said, I can do bad, I can do bad.
I am the Dark Lord's brightest grad,
Cause I can do bad, I can do bad.
One trial Crouch throws us in jail,
His son, 'dolfus,
Fourth man and me
But I defied B.C.
"Lock us away but we'll gain reward
From the Dark Lord,
You Auror cad!
Hell, I can do bad,
I can do bad!"

During the instrumental bridge, BELLATRIX conjures up a replica of the raised stone dais and the black-veiled archway from the DOM. Jugson steps forward to play the part of "Sirius"

I got to DOM and there met Black
Made my attack
And so took his life
Now it's finis (poor Padfoot, how sad!)
See, I can do this.

BELLATRIX "blasts" "Sirius" through the veil

That I can do,
I can do bad!!!

Applause, whistles from the audience. BELLATRIX takes repeated bows - with ample display of cleavage - before retiring. Toward the end, she invites Jugson to join in accepting the applause.

VOLDEMORT: Thank you, Bellatrix. See me after the show tonight, maybe you can fulfill a few of my dreams…..

The Goblet emits more sparks and spews forth another name

VOLDEMORT: Peter Pettigrew? My old - uh - traveling companion, aka Wormtail. Not exactly my first choice, but if his name is issued, he has to compete (at least, that what Barty Senior always said). Wormtail, don't transform into a rat and try to sneak away like that - step forward and have your say! If the Goblet selected you, then you must have some modicum of Dark Magical talent which I have not yet been fortunate enough to detect.....

A deeply uncomfortable WORMTAIL nervously steps forward, waving his silver hand to some desultory applause.

WORMTAIL: Well, in truth, Master, I'm not really sure that I'm worthy to compete. I think the Goblet must be in error. I mean, I dislike Potter, to be sure, but I don't really hate him (pause). Not nearly as much as I hate James and Sirius and Remus and McGonagall and Dumbledore - and you, Lord Voldemort! - all of you people who've mocked and humiliated me for all those untold years.

VOLDEMORT: Perhaps there is promise in you yet - the hate, Wormtail, get in touch with it, that's what I'm looking for….

WORMTAIL: Yes, Master, I am in touch with it - all those slights and resentments - yet, paradoxically, I'm reminded of the only time in life when I was truly loved ……

At The Burrow (To the tune of At the Ballet)

WORMTAIL:
Minnie always said, "He's a very poor wizard,
Not in their league, not in their league"
When I enrolled she informed my mother
I would probably not graduate
And that's Peter Pettigrew,
That's Peter Pettigrew,
Me, Peter Pettigrew --
She pitied me.

School at Hogwarts wasn't much for my ego
I was so stumbling and shy
My so-called friends, they were so patronizing
My fellow Animagi
I heard their constant slurs
Cause I was just one who never knew success
Not one was warm, well, not to me ...dumb and useless

But ev'rything was beautiful at the Burrow
Redhead boys kept rodent pets well fed.
Yes, ev'rything was beautiful at the Burrow,
Hey! I was happy at the Burrow.
(spoken) I loved my Burrow life….

(music) Snoozing in a patch of golden sunlight
Free to sleep or perhaps to roam
Each and ev'ry day and ev'ry fun night
I was a parasite, I was a parasite,
I was a parasite in Weasleys' home.

Lily always struck me as very attractive
Once I grew up, once I grew up
"Peter," she said,
"I've a special someone,
And I'll marry, marry your best pal James"
I knew she should not be mine
I knew she would not be mine
I knew she could not be mine
I hated them.
OK, they were "nice," but I was sworn for vengeance.
Payback is what it's about.
There was nothing to be gained by resistance
So I sold everyone out.
So "valorous" was something I'd never be
But it was clear, if Voldy won,
I'd be home free!

VOLDEMORT & WORMTAIL
Then ev'rything went horrible at the Hollow

WORMTAIL
Voldemort, you sang your song of swan.

VOLDEMORT
Yes, ev'rything went horrible at the Hollow
Yikes!

WORMTAIL
What a pity!
At the Hollow

VOLDEMORT & WORMTAIL
In a quaint and rather cozy cottage
An AK in a child's room
Lily laid a trap that had some wattage

VOLDEMORT
She was a paragon

WORMTAIL
She was a paragon

VOLDEMORT & WORMTAIL
I/He slew that paragon, then we were doomed

WORMTAIL (spoken) I didn't know where to turn to now, really! I mean, my being Secret-Keeper was supposed to secure the Dark Lord's triumph. But when I arrived at Godric's Hollow in the immediate aftermath, I said, "Well, I thought this was going to help, but I guess it's not." Anyway, I did have a fantastic escape plan. I confronted Sirius in a street full of Muggles, and I said to him, "Sirius, how could you?" Then, before he could do a thing, I sliced off one of my fingers, and KERBLOOEY!!" And as I fled in rodent form, I thought, "Sirius, you are truly screwed."

CHORUS OF CONSPIRATORS provide Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doos in the background

WORMTAIL (music)
Later that year in Diagon
When I was hiding in the Menagerie and when
That's when they came
That's when they came
I jumped for joy inside my rodent cage
They seemed warm, 'least to me

It was the Weasley clan, and Art said,
"Percy, would you like this rat?"
And he said, "Daddy, I would love it.!"

The lights dim, except for a single spotlight on WORMTAIL, which transforms itself into that patch of golden sunlight in which Scabbers used to luxuriate

WORMTAIL
Ev'rything was beautiful at the Burrow
Howling ghouls and ample love to share
Yes, ev'rything was beautiful at the Burrow
At the Burrow... At the Burrow...

WORMTAIL, BELLATRIX & VOLDEMORT
Yes ev'rything was beautiful at the Burrow
Hey!

BELLATRIX
He was furry

VOLDEMORT
He was fuzzy

WORMTAIL
I was fattened

WORMTAIL, BELLATRIX & VOLDEMORT
At the Burrow!

Silence. WORMTAIL bows his head, and begins to walk away, but stops when he sees that the Goblet is again emitting sparks and fire, as it sends forth another scroll

VOLDEMORT (reading): "Error Message 718. Previous name issued mistakenly. Please disregard."

Giant trapdoor opens up beneath WORMTAIL, who promptly disappears.

Now you know why Wormtail's role in OOP was so severely truncated. You'll be pleased to hear that he has been assigned to our re-education camp in Chudley, with a special emphasis on insensitivity training. With any luck, he'll be back in time for the Book Seven victory celebration.

Another bit of parchment is expelled.

And the next nominee is - are - the dementors!

Several 12-foot tall contestants step - well, not exactly step - forward. They uncover their DE robes only to reveal dementor robes beneath.

Naturally, we are pleased to welcome our newest, and I dare say our most single-minded allies. May a bounteous diet of souls be yours!

FIRST DEMENTOR: Thanks for those generous words, Lord Voldemort, and I just want to express my thanks on behalf on my entire team (the former "Cell-Block B" Squad). Even though we may have visited unspeakable torments on your followers in the past, and sucked out the souls of a few of your faithful servants now and again, I can speak for all of us here in saying that we have now put aside those differences, and are prepared to focus on what unites us rather than what….

SECOND DEMENTOR (aside, to the First Dementor): Yadda-yadda-yadda. Jeez Louise, Oswald, stick a sock in it. I get so depressed listening to you rattle on and on.

FIRST DEMENTOR (aside, to Second Dementor): Well, of course, you get depressed being around me, Todd - I'm a dementor, stupid! (to Voldemort and audience) Let me just say that what we may lack in individuality we more than make up in the quality of our teamwork-

SECOND DEMENTOR: In other words, you've seen one dementor, you've seen them all. Typical self-hating dementor rhetoric, sucking up to the Powers-That-Be.

FIRST DEMENTOR: No, that's not what I'm saying, Todd, and I don't appreciate your putting words in my mouth.

SECOND DEMENTOR: You call that cavernous fissure in your head a mouth, Oswald? Getting awful pretentious since we went over to dark side, aren't we?

FIRST DEMENTOR: You wanna piece of me, you overgrown choirboy? Just glide outside and say that….

VOLDEMORT: Gentlemen, gentle-demen…Please, settle your personal disputes later…now, tell me, tell our audience, how can you aid me in defeating Potter?

SECOND DEMENTOR: No problemo - we'll just go do that voodoo for You-Know-Who well……

FIRST DEMENTOR: Assuming we can find the right key…..

Thing! (to the tune of Sing!)

FIRST DEMENTOR
See, I'm such an evil thing
Harry finds me alarming
'Cause I'm highly depress-

SECOND DEMENTOR
-Sing!

FIRST DEMENTOR
He's in trouble if I-

SECOND DEMENTOR
-Glide!

FIRST DEMENTOR
For my horror's bona-

SECOND DEMENTOR
-Fide!

FIRST DEMENTOR
I'm a terrifying-

SECOND DEMENTOR
-Thing!

FIRST DEMENTOR
When I worked at Azkaban
I did a job that was quite-

SECOND DEMENTOR
-Vital!

FIRST DEMENTOR
Every woman and each man
Under my guard turned sui-

SECOND DEMENTOR
-cidal!

FIRST DEMENTOR
Now the prison we have-

SECOND DEMENTOR
-Quit!

FIRST DEMENTOR
We are chomping at the-

SECOND DEMENTOR
-Bit!

FIRST DEMENTOR
To devour Harry's -

SECOND DEMENTOR
-Soul!

FIRST DEMENTOR
If you look upon our-

SECOND DEMENTOR
-Face!

FIRST DEMENTOR
Human features there's no-

SECOND DEMENTOR
-Trace!

FIRST DEMENTOR
There is just a gaping-

SECOND DEMENTOR
-Hole!

FIRST DEMENTOR
Oh, I know our rattling breathing's really-

SECOND DEMENTOR
-Frightening

FIRST DEMENTOR
For our hands are both rot-

SECOND DEMENTOR
-Ting!

FIRST DEMENTOR
Joys our foes are forget-

SECOND DEMENTOR
-Ting!

FIRST DEMENTOR
For I'm such an vile

SECOND DEMENTOR
-Thing!
We're blind geists-

FIRST DEMENTOR
We're blind geists-
We don't do that vision-thing!

SECOND DEMENTOR
Must remember this!
Strangle spells, strangle spells

FIRST DEMENTOR
Strangle spells, strangle spells
With Voldy we're aligned!

SECOND DEMENTOR
Kiss still a kiss!

FIRST DEMENTOR
Because we're 12 feet high
We're sure to over-

SECOND DEMENTOR
-Power

FIRST DEMENTOR
And though our foes cry
I can force them all to cower
But, I'm stealthy as a-

SECOND DEMENTOR
-Cat!

FIRST DEMENTOR
Though I'm blinder than a-

SECOND DEMENTOR
-Bat!

FIRST DEMENTOR
Had a Magus on my-

SECOND DEMENTOR
-Ward!

FIRST DEMENTOR
When changing to a ca-

SECOND DEMENTOR
-Nine!

FIRST DEMENTOR
We could never make him-

SECOND DEMENTOR
-Whine!

FIRST DEMENTOR
He was only very -

SECOND DEMENTOR
-Bored!

FIRST DEMENTOR
But when Lupin came
And taught Harry to-

CHORUS OF PATRONEM (off-stage)
-Patronum-

FIRST DEMENTOR
It is so embaras-

SECOND DEMENTOR
-Sing!

FIRST DEMENTOR
It is so embitter-

SECOND DEMENTOR
-Ring!

FIRST DEMENTOR
It is so empoison-

SECOND DEMENTOR
-Ning!

FIRST DEMENTOR
When we're wrong empirical…

SECOND DEMENTOR
-Ly!

FIRST DEMENTOR
Though I am an evil-

SECOND DEMENTOR
-Thing!

FIRST DEMENTOR
I could never really-

SECOND DEMENTOR
-Sting!

FIRST DEMENTOR
What we had to do was-

Enter a CHORUS OF PATRONEM

CHORUS OF PATRONEM
Ex pec to Pa tro num and so
Ex pec to Pa tro num and so

-Take!

FIRST & SECOND DEMENTOR
-Take!

CHORUS OF PATRONEM
-Take!

FIRST & SECOND DEMENTOR
-Take!

CHORUS OF PATRONEM
Wing, wing, wing
Wing, wing, wing-

FIRST & SECOND DEMENTOR
TAKE!

ALL:
WING!

Exit CHORUS OF DEMENTORS pursued by CHORUS OF PATRONEM

VOLDEMORT: We are of course sorry to see our stalwart comrades depart, and we trust their setback is a temporary one. However, this incident does remind us that Potter's skill with the Patronus Charm may tend to neutralize dementor effectiveness, so our champion is perhaps best chosen elsewhere. Fortunately, the Goblet is about to offer another candidate…

VOLDEMORT intercepts and then reads the latest bit of parchment to be ejected from the Goblet

"Team!Evil." What the hell is that?

A robed Conspirator steps forward

CONSPIRATOR: I think I can explain that, Tom-

The Conspirator unveils himself, proving to be-

ALL (gasping in horror) ALBUS DUMBLEDORE!

The audience begins to flee the theatre - VOLDEMORT and the CHORUS draw their wands, preparing to give battle.

VOLDEMORT (drawing his wand): You'll never take me alive, Albus - uh, 'cause I've never died! Remember?

"DUMBLEDORE" (chuckling lightly). There, there, calm yourself, Tommy. I'm not the real Dumbledore…here, take my wand if you don't trust me.

VOLDEMORT: (suspiciously) What is this then - Polyjuice?

"DUMBLEDORE": No, I'm a hypothetical construct first assembled on Theory Bay - I'm Evil!Dumbledore. I may or may not exist: if I don't, I can do you no harm, but if I do, I just might be the best thing that ever happened to you. Just imagine: the climactic battle between you and Harry, the Boy Who Lived accompanied by his faithful mentor and headmaster - just when it seems that the tide has turned against you, I stab Harry in the back, he dies with a look of uncomprehending horror on his face. We high-five and rule the universe together as "Dore" and "Mort."

VOLDEMORT: I must say, that is quite a seductive scenario. But isn't it all rather unlikely? Why should I put my faith in someone who, by your own admission, may not even exist?

EVIL!DUMBLEDORE: Well, it isn't just me - there's a whole team of us out there…..

Several other robed figures step forward, and unmask themselves

EVIL!LUPIN: Good evening, Lord Voldemort, I'm Evil!Lupin

EVIL!DOBBY: Evil!Dobby, at your service.

EVIL!RON: Evil!Ron, the greatest traitor since Benedict…. (no wait, didn't he join our side?)….

EVIL!HERMIONE: Evil!Hermione here…. I hate Potter even more than I hate Mudblood slime…

FILCH: And Evil!Filch.

EVIL!DUMBLEDORE: Filch, you can't participate in this - you're Canonically evil!

FILCH: Darn it all, it's not fair!

FILCH re-covers his face and sulks his way back to the Chorus

EVIL!RON: We also exist in Imperio'd! versions, but we didn't want to take up too much space on stage tonight, so they weren't invited.

EVIL!LUPIN: It's true, Lord Voldemort, that not all of us exist - but there's a reasonable possibility that at least one of us exists. Look at JKR's fondness for conspiracies and hidden villains - who would have ever suspected Scabbers rat? Or Alastor Moody?

EVIL!DOBBY: And just think of your predilection for surreptitious schemes. You are in the position to make one of us come true - you can tempt one of us over to serve your whims and betray the boy. It's virtually certain that the Order of the Phoenix contains at least one traitor...

EVIL!RON: Think of the payoff! Not only would that be a totally bangy plot twist, it would mean that your champion was someone who was really motivated to hate Potter.

EVIL!HERMIONE: Yeah, I mean you've met him - what, five times in your whole life, never more than a few hours at a stretch - whereas, we, we have to put up with his crap day after day after weary godforsaken day. (imitating Harry) "Oh, it's the worst day of my whole life." "You don't understand me! You've never had to face him, have you?" Then we have to pretend to like him and reassure his sorry worthless ass! Just the thought of another summer receiving owl after whiny owl from him creeps me out! The only thing that keeps me going (assuming I exist in the first place) is anticipating the stunned look on Potter's face when I finally hand him over to you, Master!

EVIL!DUMBLEDORE: So, hear us out, Tom - let us show you and the audience how our Ever-So-Evil Team!Evil can deliver for you…..

Evil!Wolf, Evil!Dumble, Evil!Elf (to the tune of Hello Twelve, Hello Thirteen, Hello Love)

Team!Evil puts forth their case

EVIL!LUPIN
Evil!Wolf

EVIL!DUMBLEDORE
Evil!Dumble

EVIL!DOBBY
Evil!Elf

EVIL!RON
Turncoats all

EVIL!HERMIONE
On his hall

EVIL!DOBBY
On his shelf

EVIL!LUPIN
Soon to strike

EVIL!DUMBLEDORE
He won't like

EVIL!RON
The results

EVIL!DOBBY
We'll avenge

EVIL!HERMIONE & EVIL!RON
We'll avenge

EVIL!DUMBLEDORE & EVIL!LUPIN
And revenge

EVIL!DOBBY, EVIL!HERMIONE & EVIL!RON
His insults

ALL
His insults!
Soon we will take over,
To serve Voldemort!

EVIL!RON
It's the true Dark Arts Dorm….

ALL
Gryffindor!!!
Harry, kid, let's get rid of your self!
Evil!Wolf, Evil!Dumble, Evil!Elf

Evil!Wolf, Evil!Dumble, Evil!Elf

EVIL!RON (spoken)
Use the AK, Use the AK
My Gosh, use the AK!

ALL
....Oh! Down so low, using stealth…

EVIL!HERMIONE
Playing footsies with Slytherin

ALL
La la la

EVIL!DOBBY
We'll undermine….

ALL
La la

EVIL!DOBBY
…all that's Potter's

ALL
La la

EVIL!RON (spoken, displaying the badge)
Yeah, "Harry Potter Stinks!"

ALL
We'll destroy
Harry boy

EVIL!DUMBLEDORE
Disguise!

ALL
La la la

EVIL!LUPIN
Mom and Dad were done for it.

ALL
Evil!Wolf, Evil!Dumble, Evil!Elf.

EVIL!LUPIN
I set him up with boggart lessons!
Neville's gran'ma!
Neville's gran'ma!

Chorus sings backup syllables under solo lines

EVIL!HERMIONE (spoken)
Oh gosh, that Evil!Lupin's real evil!
Gilderoy out, the werewolf in!

EVIL!LUPIN (as if to Harry)
You cannot fight the boggart
'Cause you might change it to Voldy

EVIL!DOBBY
Kid with scar

EVIL!RON
He just doesn't know

EVIL!LUPIN (as if to Harry)
Oh Harry, you're not old enough to learn EP.
You've got no way to call it forth.

EVIL!HERMIONE
Locked in the girls' room with stupid ghosts

EVIL!DOBBY
Socks!
When am I gonna get socks?

EVIL!DUMBLEDORE
Oh, Sev Snape, he ain't no Death Eater
Just like I am not a Death Eater (smirks).

EVIL!LUPIN
So dementors made his mommy die inside his
Head amidst her screams and Voldy's flash of evil light…

EVIL!HERMIONE (simultaneous with below)
Please take this message
To Harry from me
Please won't you drop dead,
'Cause we serve Voldy

EVIL!RON (simultaneous with above)
Dad said, "Bring him to our house.
Let him come here where he isn't safe…"

EVIL!LUPIN (simultaneous with below)
Harry,
Oh, Harry,
Can't learn Expecto

EVIL!RON (simultaneous with above)
Mother's plot,
Always in the kitchen cooking poison brews.

EVIL!LUPIN (simultaneous with below)
This
Charm you
Can't master
You know.

EVIL!DUMBLEDORE (simultaneous with above)
Harry,
We can tell you now,
Your godfather's gone, and you made him die

EVIL!HERMIONE
Harry,
Oh, Harry

EVIL!DOBBY
Socks! Where are my socks?

EVIL!HERMIONE
Whenever
You go

EVIL!LUPIN
You have lost your mother.
Those Death Eater people got her
'Cause they're so powerful

EVIL!HERMIONE
Your
Hermy
Is hatin'
You
So."

EVIL!RON
He takes after his cousin's side of the family,
The Muggle side.

EVIL!DOBBY
Wait until Lord Voldy returns

ALL
Oh my gosh, I hope he'll die.

Several other members of Team!Evil unveil themselves and step forward

ALL
Evil!Wolf, Evil!Dumble, Evil!Elf
Our elf tries out another ploy.
Looks for employ
Evil!Elf
Our elf tries out another ploy.
Banging his head….

EVIL!GEORGE
A diagram, a diagram.
I drew a diagram for us here
'Bout his death.

EVIL!RON
I crashed a car. Crashed him in a car.

EVIL!FRED
Tom Riddle

EVIL!LOCKHART
Changes,
Oh, ev'ry witch I know has Lockhart on her mind all the time
Oh it's-...

EVIL!McGONAGALL
He's not leaving this dorm 'til he is eighteen.

EVIL!HERMIONE
The Dark Arts boy asked me to the Ball,
So I went.

EVIL!DOBBY
Cool!
Made it through Year Four and got me a job.

EVIL!COLIN
...Then, the TriWiz is: flyin', water, and s'long.
He could get himself killed in any of 'em, that is best
Time to fly, kid, time to die,
Our buddy's going to make big champion ado
...and we're dropping by to see our righteous boy:
Dying!

EVIL!NEVILLE
The werewolf is out, Barty Junior in!

EVIL!WINKY
You gotta know a Dobby to be somebody.

EVIL!LUPIN
De--se-- cra -- tion!

EVIL!HERMIONE
Who I run around with is Krum

EVIL!HAGRID
I got giant spiders, Hungarian Horntails,
Sphinxian things and blast-end skrewts.
Head-on collision! Cedric gets killed....

EVIL!RON
No chance, no chance

EVIL!DOBBY
What is he gonna say when we call him out?

EVIL!DOBBY, EVIL!HERMIONE & EVIL!RON
Harry in obsolescence,
Harry in obsolescence,
Harry in obsolescence

ALL
Harry in obsolescence,

EVIL!McGONAGALL & EVIL!NEVILLE
When will he go?
He is so.... When will he go? He is so....

EVIL!WINKY, EVIL!COLIN, & EVIL!LEE JORDAN
When will he go? He is so....When will he go? He is so....

EVIL!HERMIONE & EVIL!RON
Year One, Year Two, Year Three, Year Four, Year Two, Year Three, Year Four Year Five!

EVIL!DUMBLEDORE & EVIL!DOBBY
I'm mean, you're mean, he's mean, we're mean, you're mean, he's mean, we're mean!

ALL
Suddenly we are all mean and,
All suddenly we are all mean and,
Suddenly we are all mean and,
Harry, kid, please get rid of yourself
Evil!Wolf, Evil!Dumble, Evil!Elf…..

DEATH EATER CHORUS forms into four groups for "scat" counterpoint section and dance break

DE CHORUS ONE: Doo, dit dit doo, dit dit doo, dit dit doo, dit dit doo, dit dit doo, Dit dit doo, dit dit doo, dit dit doo, dit dit doo, dit dit doo, dit dit doo, Dit dit doo, dit dit doo, dit dit doo, dit dit doo, dit.

DE CHORUS TWO: Dee du dee du dee du, dee dee du dit, dee du dee du dee du, dee dee du dit, Dee du dee du dee du, dee dee du dit, dee du dee du dee du, dee dee du dit, Dee du dee du dee du, dee dee du dit, dee du dee du dee du, dee dee du dit, Dee du dee du dee du, dee dee du dit, dee du dee du dee du, dee dee du.

DE CHORUS THREE: Wah, wah wah wah, wah, wah wah wah, wah, wah wah wah, wah, Wah wah wah, wah, wah wah wah, wah, wah wah wah, wah, wah wah wah, wah

DE CHORUS FOUR: Doo, doo doo doo doo, doo doo doo ah, doo, doo doo doo doo, doo doo doo ah, Doo, doo doo doo doo, doo doo doo ah, doo, doo doo doo doo, doo doo doo ah, Doo, doo doo doo doo, doo doo doo ah, doo, doo doo doo doo, doo doo doo ah, Doo, doo doo doo doo, doo doo doo ah, doo, doo doo doo doo, doo doo doo ah

EVIL!DUMBLEDORE moves to center stage, with the rest of Team!Evil serving as backup.

EVIL!DUMBLEDORE
Glimmer in eye, glimmer in eye, glimmer in eye. Yeah!
Glimmer in eye, glimmer in eye, glimmer in eye. Yeah!
I was always slinkin' around whisp'rin',
"Glimmer in eye, glimmer in eye, glimmer in eye. Yeah!"
It is so iconoclastic,
"I'll tell you ev'rything"
The fifth book concludes with my lecture
And Harry's guilty 'cause he thinks that everything's his fault
Everything his fault?! It's so bent.

ALL
It's so bent

EVIL!DUMBLEDORE
Yes, it's bent.

ALL
Yes, it's bent.

EVIL!DUMBLEDORE
So I'm s'posed to be this Harry Potter mentor...
Imagine me -- this Harry Potter mentor? And I thought...Dish!

ALL
DISHWASHER!

EVIL!DUMBLEDORE
Dish!

ALL
DISHWASHER!

EVIL!DUMBLEDORE (& CHORUS)
What is he gonna do?
(DISHWASHER!, DISHWASHER!)
When he gets shoved outta here
(DISHWASHER!, DISHWASHER!, honey)
Ain't no Potter gonna be
(DISHWASHER!, DISHWASHER!,)
Standin' there with any sign of life.
(DISHWASHER!, DISHWASHER!)

EVIL!DUMBLEDORE
And he'll be gone.

EVIL!HERMIONE & EVIL!RON
The glasses gone.

EVIL!LUPIN & EVIL!DOBBY
The Seeker gone.

ALL
This child is gone, goodbye.
Evil!Wolf, Evil!Dumble, Evil!Hermy
Evil!Ronny, Evil!Colin, Evil!Longbottom
Evil!Elf!
Let's do it. Let's do it.

EVIL!DUMBLEDORE, EVIL!LUPIN & EVIL!DOBBY
Let his life comes to an end.

EVIL!HERMIONE & EVIL!RON
Let's do it.

EVIL!DUMBLEDORE, EVIL!LUPIN & EVIL!DOBBY
Let his life comes to an end.

EVIL!HERMIONE & EVIL!RON
Let's do it.

EVIL!DUMBLEDORE, EVIL!LUPIN & EVIL!DOBBY
Let his life comes to an end.

EVIL!HERMIONE & EVIL!RON
Let's do it.

EVIL!DUMBLEDORE, EVIL!LUPIN & EVIL!DOBBY
Let his life comes to an end.

EVIL!HERMIONE & EVIL!RON
Let's do it.

ALL
Let's do it.

Team!Evil gets a standing ovation, making repeated bows

VOLDEMORT: OK, let's have one more round of applause for Team!Evil - that's going to be one hell of a tough act to follow!

The Goblet issues forth another scroll. VOLDEMORT opens it, with a satisfied expression.

And here is just the man tough enough to follow it - it's too bad he's so good at Occlumency, 'cause I'd love to know what's going on inside that greasy-haired head of his - let's have a big warm DE welcome for the Potions Master we all love to hate, Severus Snape!

A roar of adulation reverberates through the crowd as SNAPE steps forward. Several middle-aged witches faint from excitement.

SNAPE: Thank you, Dark Lord, fellow contestants, assembled guests, for that wonderful reception. Mind you, my presence here tonight is not to be taken as my personal endorsement of your campaign to overthrow the established order and erect an eternal empire of injustice. On the other hand, my previous statement is not necessarily to be taken at face value. (No statement I ever make is). But no matter which side I end up supporting, the fact remains that I hate, detest, scorn, loathe, despise and abhor Potter, and I would love to see him whacked irrespective of the ultimate winner of Book Seven's engagement.

VOLDEMORT: So you see yourself as a sort of non-partisan Potter hater.

SNAPE: Really more bi-partisan, I think.. It has nothing to do with political or ideological affiliation, or the fact that he repeatedly humiliates us on the Quidditch field. I hate him no matter what. It's not so much who he is - or where he came from - or what he's done to me. It's just fun! Everyone needs a hobby! But at the same time, I have to concede that it's a bit frustrating at times, too....

Nothing (to the tune of the same name)

SNAPE (spoken, with musical accompaniment): Beginning with his first year, Potter is assigned to my class. Admittedly, I still harbored a little animosity toward James, but I was willing to let bygones be bygones. Anyway, it's our first day of Potions class: we're in the dungeon, and I'm being just as friendly and helpful as I can be. I ask Potter one simple little query about powdered root of asphodel (utter softball of a question, really, a chance for him to look good in front of his little friends) and he gives me this hateful, impertinent stare. My initial speech in Canon, mind you, and I'm eager to make a good first impression. Instead, he makes me look like a complete ogre, to the point that most first-time readers think I'm the villain. "Just like his father." I thought, "Defiant, arrogant." A resemblance that has only grown worse over time……

(music) Twice a week for five years I have tried to teach him Potions
Stir up potions in my class
Twice a week for five years I have tried to teach him wormwood
It's no durn good, he gives sass
For he snuck right down to the dungeon of my room
For boomslang I had inside.
Yes, he snuck right down to the dungeon of my room
And he lied, he lied!

(spoken) And Karkaroff was goin' "Eek! Eek!
I see the snake, I see the skull,
I feel the burn!"
And I turned to Potter and I said:
"Okay, celebrity, what did you steal?"

(music) And he said...
"Nothing, I steal nothing."
Then he says, "Nothing, not even Gillyweed."
That boy's a liar,
I mean entire!
I'd love to pour some V-Serum into his mead!

(spoken) But I said to myself, "Hey, if he keeps on crossing lines, he's gonna get nailed. Even Dumbledore's gonna have to call him on it, eventually."

Diff'rent time, still Year Four,
As we held the TriWiz Tourney,
For both Durmstrang, Beauxbatons
Dumbledore, he would say,
"Very good, we'll ask the Goblet.
Choose, O Goblet, three champions!"
And he reached right out to the Goblet of the flame
To see who the champs would be...
Yes, he reached right out to the Goblet of the flame
And he read, "H.P.!"
The brat yelled,
"Nothing!
I have done nothing!"
Dumbledore would not this Potter entry snub
He made the Doomspell, it made me fume well
How all our faculty were joining his fan club.

(spoken) At least I had the consolation of knowing that I was Potter's worst nightmare. I didn't let him get away with a thing, let me tell you! And then Dumbledore said, "Severus, I need you to give Potter Occlumency lessons." Merlin's beard! A tedious and unrewarding task - but if nothing else, I would gain a degree of satisfaction from this unique opportunity to see how I've penetrated into Potter's very subconscious, of how I torment and plague the innermost sanctum of his soul…..

Six p.m. teaching to Harry Potter
Occlumency,
Occlumency, on his knees.
Six p.m. gazing at Harry Potter
Let me see it,
Help me see I'm his unease.
And I saw right down to the bottom of his soul
Reading between lines of his mind,
Looking through the top to the bottom of his soul
Here is what I find:
Of me there's nothing! In his pain nothing!
He's suffered trauma, but none of it from me!
His cousin harmed him
So did dementors
But Sev'rus Snape gave him not one bad memory…

A few weeks later my Pensieve thoughts he eyed
As he dug right down to the bottom of my soul
And pried--
Now thinks I'm nothing...

A moment of silence, and the audience leaps to their feet. Witches in the audience cover the stage in flowers. SNAPE takes repeated bows before retiring

VOLDEMORT: Thank you, Severus, and please remember our Dark Mark Welcome Mat is out there for you once you finally figure out where your true allegiances lie.

The Goblet issues forth another scroll. VOLDEMORT opens it, but this time looks puzzled and nonplussed.

Ah - time for intermission, folks. Ten-minute intermission. Refreshments and draughts will be served in the lobby. LEPHT-Wing Conspirators, take ten - please replenish yourselves with the complementary beverages that Kreacher has placed in your dressing-rooms. Our next nominee right after intermission!

Everyone files out - soon VOLDEMORT is left alone in the auditorium

VOLDEMORT (looking at the scroll) "Slatero Quirrell" - no, it can't be - he's dead - long dead….and all this time I though it was "Quirinus," not Slatero….

A ghostly presence floats in and begins speaking in an unmistakably Norwegian accent

QUIRRELL: It's me, Master - Slatero, Quirinus, what's the difference? I've come back to you. I hope you won't be angry. I crossed the Life Line to enter my name in the Goblet, when no one was watching.

VOLDEMORT (turning away): I never expected to see you again, Quirrell - I thought you had - you know - gone on….

QUIRRELL: Master, how could I leave a world that still has you in it? Don't you know my devotion to you? How could I make it more clear to you?

VOLDEMORT: That's all in the past, Quirrell - I've moved on - on to other things - perhaps it's time you did the same….You shouldn't have come here tonught....

QUIRRELL: Ever since my "demise," - I've watched you from afar - I've seen you restored to life and power again, just like I knew you would. You have your legion of Death Eaters at your behest again and maybe you don't need me anymore. All right then, I'll go.

VOLDEMORT (wavering, looking at Quirrell again): The Goblet does give you the right to compete, you know…

QUIRRELL: You're a big star now, Master. Your name is now synonymous with tyranny and oppression, even when they don't pronounce it right. Me, I'm lucky if they remember to spell my name with two "Rs" and two "Ls." But there must be some small part of you that remembers the old days, Master….how I was faithful when no one else was...when it was just me and you - and her, writing out our story in longhand at the corner café - before the best-seller lists, the websites, the fanfic, the movie deals, the cover stories, the fancons. Back when it was just the two of us. What a team we were, Master, what a team! - for one thing, we had a 360 degree field of vision. But it was more than that, we almost nailed that kid before his story was even published - we almost nipped Potter-mania in the bud! Reunited, how could we lose again? Think of the symmetry! - defeated in Book One, the Voldemort-Quirrell team victorious in Book Seven.

VOLDEMORT: But Quirrell, you're now a ghost - and I hate ghosts!

QUIRRELL: Well, I hate being a ghost! I want to have weight and gravity and skin and hair and toenails again. I want to eat and drink and walk and dodge snowballs! I want to sneak back into Gingrotts vault, to stammer like an idiot in dingy pubs, to summon trolls for murderous acts, to slay unicorns in the Forbidden Forest, to wear goofy headgear and garlic around my neck and deliver lectures from which nobody learns a bloody thing. In short, Master, I want to live! And it's you alone who has the power to bring me back......

To VOLDEMORT'S embarrassment, the audience and Chorus file back in as QUIRRELL begins his song. The Mirror of Erised magically lowers itself onto the stage.

The Magic and the Mirror (to the tune of The Music and the Mirror)

QUIRRELL
Give me a body to live in
Let me come back from the dead
Let me arise from the graveyard to see
Through two eyes in the back of your head

To have someone to target for vengeance
To be someone again
Hide me, guide me, Lord, I'm your Quirrell,
A Quirrell cure-all!
Give me a plan I can plot with.
Give me a web I can weave
Help me return to the world of living
I guarantee Potter will leave.

Play me the magic,
Give me a chance to renew.
All I ever needed was the magic
And the mirror and some prime face time with you

Bring me to life and the Potterverse
Comes to an end
If you bring me to life
I'll become a great turban legend

Put me to work, I will let
You have total control
Of my whole soul!
Not to be wielded by weaklings
Power is there for the strong.
Give me the chance to reflect all your teachings
"There's neither a right nor a wrong!"

Play me the magic
Give me a chance to renew
All I ever needed was the magic and the mirror
And some prime face time--

QUIRRELL engages in a dazzling display of gravity-defying choreography - which is really no big deal for a ghost.

Play me the magic!
Play me the magic!
Play me the magic!
Let me become your retread!
All I'm truly needing is the magic and the mirror
When undead at Erised!-

Further dazzling choreography from QUIRRELL, with the CHORUS gradually joining in. At the music ends, he floats in front of the Mirror, where he sees himself and VOLDEMORT celebrating over the corpse of Potter. He wins sustained if somewhat puzzled applause, since most attendees aren't really sure who he is (and the Dark Lord is not anxious to explain). The Goblet issues forth another scroll, which VOLDEMORT reads with delight.

VOLDEMORT: Lucius Malfoy! Of course, an obvious candidate, I can only wonder why his name did not emerge till now. Charming, masculine, dashing, worldly, sophisticated, well-versed in the Dark Arts, every inch a Death Eater - a wizard who clearly sets the highest standard in---

DRACO MALFOY unmasks himself and steps forward, in a rather abashed manner. He is accompanied by Crabbe & Goyle, who also unveil.

Draco? Where is your father, young Draco?

DRACO: Father is conducting vital negotiations on your behalf with the Warner Studios, and is unable to attend this evening. He asked me to step in for him. The Rules do allow for parent-child substitutions (long pause). I bought my resume, ah, here...

VOLDEMORT (looking over Draco's resume): As much I hate to disappoint an old friend like Lucius, I see little point in letting you compete. Frankly, this is one of the weakest anti-Potter resumes it has ever been my misfortune to come across. Each year, it seems, you gain some temporary advantage over Potter only to utterly squander it all in the end. I mean, to fall for that old "Multiple-hex-on the-returning Hogwarts Express" gag even once was bad enough, but two years in a row….Really, what is this younger generation of Slytherins coming to?

DRACO (with a trace of sullenness): It's not my fault, sir. You should know that I'm far too intelligent to do such stupid things on my own volition. It's that JKR, sir - it's all her doing - she has me under some kind of Imperius Curse, or something - she makes me act like that. But there's other writers out there, sir, much better writers - writers who really understand me, and really know all about me, who know the great things I'm capable of and who let me wear these really cool..- well, perhaps, sir, it will make more sense if I put it to music…..

In Fanfic (to the tune of Dance Ten, Looks Three aka Tits and Ass)

DRACO:
Canonically
I'm no Techno-Terminator
Just a losing second-rater
That it ain't it, kid, that ain't it, kid
Canonically
I'm a dead duck
But there's writers who have some brighter
Views that I'm more than a schmuck

In fanfic
I'm the Gothic poster child
With the wit of Oscar Wilde
And a sex appeal
Totally unreal
In fanfic
Not just Crabbe & Goyle's mate
Suddenly I'm singin' my own song
In fanfic all decked out in
A leather thong

DRACO strips down to the aforementioned thong

I exude a stern charisma
I collected from my Wiz pa
Canonically,
I'm a blowhard and a coward
Soon by Potter overpowered
That it ain't it, kid, that ain't it, kid
Rewrite, call me
For Dormiens!
I kick derriere when <"https://harrypotter.fandom.com/wiki/Draco_Trilogy#Author">Cassandra Claire
Does me proud with her pen.
How?
In fanfic,
I can act racialistic
Folks'll find it romantic
No lobotomy
No Longbottom, me!
As the champ
Seeker of the SQT
You will see me suave and debonair
In fanfic, a whole new life
Of savoir-faire!

Be a cynic,
Call it all absurd.
Act Byronically,
And iconically
Fans'll hang on each word.
For in fanfic
Both in shipping and in slash
I excel through looks and cash
Screw the textual
Keep it sexual
Thin or thick, I'll go all and either way
I'm successful, handsome, young, and rich
In fanfic, yes, in fanfic,
Potter's my bitch!

Sustained applause, along with cries of "take it all off!" Crabbe & Goyle step forward to robe DRACO.

VOLDEMORT: Thank you, young Draco, you may yet prove yourself a Malfoy….

The Goblet spews forth another scroll. VOLDEMORT reads it with shock and dismay

Them!? No, it's not possible - how could they find this place - how could they get in - past my security - through my--?

Three hooded "Conspirators" step forward

FIRST CONSPIRATOR (female voice): This must be us - I told you he was gonna make a big fuss about it.

SECOND CONSPIRATOR (male voice, to VOLDEMORT): Now, see here, Mister, the rules are that if that's our name, you have to let us compete. Even if we are---

The trio unveil, revealing themselves as....

CHORUS & AUDIENCE: The Dursleys?!!

VOLDEMORT raises his wand. THE DURSLEYS are not the least impressed. Throughout the following conversation, VERNON & PETUNIA remain forceful and confident. DUDLEY stays quiet, but self-assured.

VERNON: --even if we are what you call Muggles. We got just as much rights as anybody else. Lord Voldything, I presume? This is an anti-Potter gathering, isn't it? Well, who could possibly be more anti-Potter than us?

PETUNIA: All of you so-called magical people, with your teacups and rats - you've given him at best a few days, maybe a few weeks of misery every now and again. But what about us? We were the ones who made his life a sheer unadulterated hell day in and day out for ten long hard thankless years, while the rest of you were off doing your little Charms in the Wizarding World. Do you think it's been easy for us? Trying to keep all those social workers at bay was a full-time job in itself…..

VERNON: You claim you hate him so much, where were you all those years? We would have gladly handed him over to you or any of your crew, no questions asked. So where the hell were you?

VOLDEMORT & CHORUS OF CONSPIRATORS stir uncomfortably

VOLDEMORT (abashed): Well, you see, there were all these, you know, m-m-magical protections and barriers, and you two, being Muggles, you wouldn't be able to see them, of course, but they were there and they were s-s- sorta impenetrable, see it has to do with this kind of like branch of ancient magic which I despise but is still I guess effective, I guess...

PETUNIA: Surely you're not referring to that dotty Arabella woman?

VERNON: Well, here's my proposal. You can just call off this whole ruddy contest. You want Potter? Next year, at the beginning of Book Six, when the little bugger's back from school, simply drop by Privet Drive some evening. Let us know when to expect you, and we'll spike his dinner with something sedative, if you know what I mean. We'll have him all packed up and ready to go for you. Best of all, it won't cost you a pence. Win-win situation all around, I call it: it will save us both a lot of bother, and save JKR a lot of writing. Now, what time can we expect you?

A long silence follows.

VOLDEMORT (looking totally humiliated). Thanks for your offer, b-but I can't - I-I-I just can't……

VERNON & PETUNIA: (angrily) You can't? Why not?!

VOLDEMORT: You see, due to Lily's spell, anyone who I dispatch to Privet Drive with murderous intent toward Potter is instantly and irreversibly changed into a -a a - bunny rabbit.

CONSPIRATORS recoil in horror. Many begin weeping openly

VERNON: Of all the preposterous nonsense I've ever…

BELLATRIX (tears streaming down her cheeks). Hold your damned tongue, sir! Many of us have lost loved ones, who are now doomed to hop about that infernal neighborhood of yours for the rest of their lives, thanks to Lily's accursed protection!

VERNON (thoughtfully): You know, I have noticed an unusual infestation of the little blighters over the last several years……

PETUNIA: So since none of you big bad Dark magicians can make it to Little Whinging to take that young toadstool off our hands, the least you can do is let us compete.

VOLDEMORT: (glad to change the subject): Yes, of course, no harm in that is there, no harm at all…

VERNON: Right then. (addressing the audience) So, who's the one person on earth who has inflicted more misery on that Potter boy than anyone else?

PETUNIA: Even more than us?

VERNON (pointing to SNAPE): You there with the greasy hair and the hooked nose - you did those Occupancy lessons with him, perhaps you could enlighten us….

SNAPE (grudgingly): During our Occlumency lessons, Potter would have occasional flashbacks involving the Dark Lord or dementors, but to quote Canon (OOP, Chap. 26, page 590, American edition) "[Harry] had been forced, yet again, to relive a stream of very early memories he had not even realized he still had, most of them concerning humiliations Dudley and his gang inflicted upon him in primary school."

VERNON (smugly): There, you see! Our Dudders has inflicted so much misery on Harry that he can't even remember it all.

PETUNIA: Yes, and he didn't need those wands and fancy spells and Dark Arts and dementors from the Wizard prison to do it: just relentless greed and some good solid sheer nastiness……(turning to the Chorus) Ready, boys?

Three more "Conspirators" disrobe, revealing themselves as members of Big D's gang

PIERS POLKISS (to VOLDEMORT): Good evening, sir, my name is Piers Polkiss, and I have the same initials as Peter Pettigrew, and I also have rat-like features, so if you need….

VERNON (drawing PIERS aside, to VOLDEMORT): Heh-heh, confused little rascal - he thinks you're in the peerage - you know, a real Lord (to the gang) OK, boys, just like we rehearsed it…..

Son (to the tune of One)

VERNON, PETUNIA & GANG MEMBERS
Son
Born of 'Tun and Vernon
Dudley D. of Privet Drive
One
Appetite a-yearnin'
To ruin Harry's life.
One nephew living here with us who's always blue
Big D has hit Harry harder
Than You-Know-Who.

Once got 39 presents
Broke them in all in a few days
Never in his power plays undone, son
Roar! Sigh! Fame, dare not be fickle!
Our guy Diddykins the Ickle!
He's our/their son!

Son
Born of Vern and 'Tunia
Ev'ry thing he does, he rocks
One
Slug from him will wound ya -
He cleans Mark Evans' clock!
One diet, suddenly Dudley's a Heavyweight.
His boxing championship we
Now celebrate.
He's what his cousin resents
But his folks are truly blessed
For our boy has no arrests, not one, hon.
Ooh! Roar! Every gal at Smeltings!
Soon your heart will be a-melting!
He's our/their son!

DUDLEY and his gang PIERS, MALCOLM & GORDON systematically dismantle a magically-created simulation of the Little Whinging park playground

DUDLEY & GANG (severally)
One, two, break it down
Born of 'Tun and Vernon
Pound around
Nice right hook
Straight to his head
Three, four
Squealed like a pig
Follow through
Up, down
Feel him fried
Ham-like hands, to fists
Strike, bash,
Three, four, suddenly Dudley's a….
Champ, clamp up
Step an' step, slow
Three, four, five, six,
Swing, set, back, break, five, six...
Break, break!