Wormytails

Copyright 2002-2004 by Caius Marcius except AK in the UK, The Dithering Defense Teacher of the Dark Arts, His Firebolt, In the Body of a Snake and The Old Wand Song Copyright 2003-2005 by Ginger; Dance of the Know-It-All, Everybody's Got a Lethifold and The Students Who Don't Do Anything Copyright 2003 by Eileen; Draco's Hairbrush Song Copyright 2003 by Slytherincess; Love My Friends Copyright 2003 by ereturtle18; A Message From JK Copyright 2004 by Lilac

A filk by Ginger to the tune of First Aid in the First Grade from Jonah: A Veggietales Movie

I think this is one of those filks that will have to be updated as new books come out.

Now little Tommy Riddle was a very nasty kid.
In the first Harry Potter book I read just what he did.
Went to Godrick's Hollow in the fall of '81.
Tried to kill a baby but he got himself undone.

It was an AK in the UK.
AK in the UK. AK in the UK.
Hide under the covers- cuz the Dark Lord's on his way.

Now little Tommy Riddle was a very nasty kid.
In the second Harry Potter book I read just what he did.
Went up to his grandfolks' house- C'mitted patricide.
Y' should have seen the looks upon their faces when they died.

It was an AK in the UK.
AK in the UK. AK in the UK.
Batten down the hatches- cuz the Dark Lord's on his way.

Now little Tommy Riddle was a very nasty kid.
In the third Harry Potter book I read just what he did.
After Peter ratted, James sent Lily on the run.
Voldy zapped them both but got zapped back by their son.

It was an AK in the UK.
AK in the UK. AK in the UK.
Bar the doors and windows- cuz the Dark Lord's on his way.

Now little Tommy Riddle was a very nasty kid.
In the fourth Harry Potter book I read just what he did.
Just an ugly baby, he could hardly hold a wand.
Sent a nosy Muggle right into the Great Beyond.

It was an AK in the UK.
AK in the UK. AK in the UK.
Someone owl an Auror- cuz the Dark Lord's on his way.

harmonica interlude

Fifth book!

Now little Tommy Riddle was a very nasty kid.
In the fifth Harry Potter book I read just what he did.
DE tried to wiggle out and take his oath all back-
Membership is lifelong, so bye-bye to Reg'lus Black.

It was an AK in the UK.
AK in the UK. AK in the UK.
Floo the kids to Exmoor- cuz the Dark Lord's on his way.
Floo the kids to Exmoor -cuz the Dark Lord's on his way!

A filk by Ginger to the tune of The Yodeling Veteranarian of the Alps

The barbershop quartet, composed of Ron, Seamus, Dean and Neville serves as the narrator, singing from offstage. Other scenes as noted.

QUARTET:
Hmm, mmm.
There lived a man whose daring deeds
Were literary quote.
His dashing style, and charming smile,
Of which Weekly took note.

He took a job at Hogwarts School
Where Potter did attend.
He took the post (declined by most)
'Gainst the Dark Arts to defend.
Whoa, oh...

LOCKHART (in the classroom):
This is a spell used for freezing pixies.
They are from Cornwall
And electric blue.
But when I cast
This spell on the pixies,
They should be frozen
For a day or two.

Peskipixiepeskipixiepestermeno,
Peskipixiepeskipixiepesterno.
Peskipixiepeskipixiepestermeno,
Peskipixiepeskipixiepesterno.

HERMIONE: (to Harry)
He's quite a brilliant teacher.
No need to be so snide.
This is just a textbook lecture
With some practice on the side.

QUARTET:
Hmm, mmm.
His helping reputation
Caused the teachers all to duck.
For anything that Lockhart touched
Would surely run amok.

Some would hide their cauldrons
While others held their hearts
In the vicinity of the
Dithering Defense Teacher of the Dark Arts.
Whoa, oh.

HERMIONE (spoken):
Good news on the pixies, Sir,
They're caged and glowing.

LOCKHART (music, on the Quidditch pitch):
This is a spell for your broken forearm.
It's hanging limply
And a bit askew.
But when I cast
This spell on your forearm,
It will feel better
In a day or two.

Ulnaradiulnaradiulnaregrow,
Ulnaradiulnaradiulnagrow.
Ulnaradiulnaradiulnaregrow,
Ulnaradiulnaradiulnagrow.

HERMIONE:
It seems to have failed,
Just a little bitty.
Let's go and see the nurse,
Maybe Pomfrey will have pity.

QUARTET:
Hmm, mmm.
His ego grew, with much ado,
Until that fateful day
When little Ginny Weasley
Met a serpentine delay.

All gathered in the classroom
The professors pooled their smarts.
(Snape said)
Go play! Your way!
To the man who's the
Dithering Defense Teacher of the Dark Arts.
Whoa, oh....

HARRY (in the tunnel):
Bad news on the monster, Sir,
We're much too late.
Six victims.
Next one could be you.

LOCKHART:
This is a spell to remove your memory.
Obliviation is my forte true.
And when I cast
This spell on your memory,
You won't remember
The last day or two.

Memomemomemomemomemorygo,
Memomemomemomemomem'rygo.
Memomemomemomemomemorygo,
Memomemomemomemomemr'ygo.

HARRY:
Oh, yeah, that sure did it.
We're good.

LOCKHART:
Meme, memo,
No, wait, this should work! meme, mememo...

QUARTET:
Hmm, mmm.
Now the moral of the story,
Was where Lockhart was waylaid:
When you mess with people's memories
Best make sure your wand's well made.

LOCKHART:
Meme, meme, mummy, mummy...

QUARTET:
Some would hide their cauldrons
While some would hold their hearts
In the vicinity of the
Dithering Defense Teacher of the Dark Arts.

To the tune of Billy Joe McGuffrey (aka First Aid in the First Grade), from Jonah: A Veggie Tales Movie

NOTE: The original song parodies one of those cheerful nonsense songs that one might sing around a campfire. Euan Abercrombie is the youth who is first sorted in OOP by the Hat after it has prophesied mayhem and division in the immediate future. Just as Tom Lehrer selected the name Nicolai Ivanovich Lobachevsky for purely prosodic purposes, so I selected the name of Mr. Abercrombie (I need six syllables)

Now Euan Abercrombie was a really dorky kid.
On the first day of First Year, I'll tell you what he did.
He's called up by the Sorting Hat, but much to his disgrace
He trips over his brand-new robes and falls flat on his face.

It was the worst fear for a First Year.
Worst fear for a First Year.
Worst fear for a First Year.
Even You-Know-Who could not be scarier, it's clear!

Oh, Euan Abercrombie was a really dorky kid.
On the second day of Second Year, I'll tell you what he did.
He tried out for the Quidditch team, and for the Snitch he zoomed
Then a Bludger creamed him and he fell off of his broom

It was the worst fear for a Second Year.
Worst fear for a Second Year.
Worst fear for a Second Year.
Even You-Know-Who could not be scarier, it's clear!

Now, Euan Abercrombie was a really dorky kid,
On the third day of Third Year I'll tell you what he did.
He planned a trip to Hogsmeade town that sounded so divine
But then he lost his mother's note and had to stay behind

It was the worst fear for a Third Year.
Worst fear for a Third Year.
Worst fear for a Third Year.
Even You-Know-Who could not be scarier, it's clear!

Now, Euan Abercrombie was a really dorky kid,
On the fourth day of Fourth Year I'll tell you what he did.
He took a stroll beside the lake but on a puddle slid
Fell into the water and went Shipping with the Squid

It was the worst fear for a Fourth Year.
Worst fear for a Fourth Year.
Worst fear for a Fourth Year.
Even You-Know-Who could not be scarier, it's clear!

Now, Euan Abercrombie was a really dorky kid,
On the fifth day of Fifth Year I'll tell you what he did.
He tried to play a trick on Snape but Filch forced a delay
Snape gave him detention and took 50 points away

It was the worst fear for a Fifth Year.
Worst fear for a Fifth Year.
Worst fear for a Fifth Year.
Even You-Know-Who could not be scarier, it's clear!

Oh, Euan Abercrombie was a really dorky kid.
On the sixth day of Sixth Year, I'll tell you what he did.
He sticks his magic wand in the back pocket of his jeans
It took Madam Pomfrey one whole week to stitch his seams

It was the worst fear for a Sixth Year.
Worst fear for a Sixth Year.
Worst fear for a Sixth Year.
Even You-Know-Who could not be scarier, it's clear!

Now, Euan Abercrombie was a really dorky kid,
On the final week of Seventh Year I'll tell you what he did.
He had to take all of his NEWTS - so what happened, here's a hint
He has to do the very thing once done by Marcus Flint

It was the worst fear for a Seventh Year.
Worst fear for a Seventh Year.
Worst fear for a Seventh Year.
Even You-Know-Who could not be scarier, it's clear!

A filk by Ginger based on His Cheeseburger

The Scene: Christmas day in Gryffindor.

RON:
He said to her "I got a new broomstick.
It was in with my presents at Yule.
It's better than my Nimbus 2000,
It's the top of the line, and it's cool."

He said "I don't know where it came from.
A note or a card it did lack."
She said "I must go run and tell Minnie!
It just could be from Sirius Black!"

But you're his Firebolt.
His birch-twig Firebolt.
He'll wait for you, yeah,
He'll wait for you. Oh,
You are his Firebolt.
Ash-handled Firebolt.
He'll wait for you,
Oh, he will wait for you.

So Oliver Wood went to ask her.
He just got a shirty reply.
Cuz he said the Snitch was more important
Than if Harry safely could fly.

He sat there through Transfiguration
Each day, and then he'd ask her again.
Potter, now please don't get angry.
You'll see your broom when she says when!

Cuz you're his Firebolt,
His speedy Firebolt.
Be back for you -He'll
Be back for you, oh,
You are his Firebolt,
His racing Firebolt.
Be back for you,
Oh, He'll be back for you.

Key and tempo change

Cuz he loves his new broomstick with all his heart.
Hooch and Flitwick just can't keep those two apart.
And if the world suddenly ran out of twigs,
He'd run to Arabella Figg's.
And he would strip her cleaning implement down 'til it was bare.
And he would bind them up for you,
Bind them up for you,
Bind those dirty twigs up just for you!

You are his Firebolt.

A filk by Ginger to the tune of In the Belly of the Whale from the Veggietales movie Jonah (performed by the Newsboys).

In the forest of Albania, during his bodyless phase, LORD VOLDEMORT sings (Backup vocals provided by furry woodland creatures)

VOLDEMORT:
Out of my norm without a form.
Can't believe I took that blow.
Of my curse rejected, then reflected.
Got word from Pete, thought my dark plan would be complete.
He said "go, Godric's Hollow"
Tossed an AK-but, hey,
What's that blinding green glow?

I'm down on my belly here
(In the body of a snake)
I'm weaker than jelly here
(In the body of a snake)
Not even a deli here!
(And I've got a belly ache)
How long must this form I take?

So now I'm coiled here feeling blue
Got no wand, so I'm just chillin'.
Can't hold one in a bod reptilian.
If one were served me, I'd be saved-
Back to be a nasty git-head
(Hmm, I wonder what rhymes with "git-head")

I'm down on my belly here
(In the body of a snake)
I'm weaker than jelly here
(In the body of a snake)
I'm going through Hell-y here
(And I've got a belly ache)
How long must this form I take?

The years, they pass dragging me down
No beers to pass, helping me drown
the horror.
The DE's pass on giving a second chance.

I'm down on my belly here
(In the body of a snake)
Scenery's Mary Shelley here
(In the body of a snake)
Some hands would turn up my frown
(Winnin' hands down.
In the body of a snake)

I'm in the body of a snake
(In the body of a snake)
I'm in the body
(In the body of a snake)
I'm in the body of a snake
(In the body of a snake)

In the body, in the body of a snake
It's just more than I can take.
When my coils squeeze
It's indigestion, but it's a feeling I can shake.
Hey, buddy, wipe my nose please
Cuz as you can plainly see
Haven't got a hand that's free.

I'm a Voldemort, heading back someday
It's a ruddy chore, but I'm gonna make them pay.
All the DE's must pray
I'll forget, no regret-say
They're wrong-I am strong
I belong
And that Potter's gonna pay!

In the body of a snake
(In the body)
In the body of a snake
(In the body)
In the body of a snake
(In the body, in the body of a snake)
In the body of a snake
I'm livin' in the body of a snake.

A filk by Lilac to the tune of A Message From the Lord from Jonah: A VeggieTales Movie

This is my unofficial transcript of the March 2004 chat, with a little "artistic" license taken on my part to make things rhyme.

JKR:
Middle names I'll discuss
Ron's, poor boy, is Bilius
Here I'm not ambiguous
A message from JK

Remus 'John', Hermy 'Jane'
Ginny 'Molly', (what a name)
Sybil 'Pat' you've ascertained
A message from JK

And careful readers prob'ly know
Exactly how the romance goes
Surely, the clues you've had enough?!
Won't say, but...it's not that tough!

H/C? Nope. D/H? Nope.
Mini Voldies? Nope, nope, nope!
But Wormtail might still have hope
A message from JK

Marauders? Gryffindors!
Ginny you can not ignore
No comment on eye colour
A message from JK

Vampire? Not my Snape.
Won't tell his Patronus' shape
By the end you'll be awhape
A message from JK

Weasley boys -- two-year spread
Regulus is really dead
Not a rune on Harry's head
A message from JK

Yet there'll be time for some romance
A kiss (or two) he'll get the chance
For now the wizard world's at war
Harry hide! There's worse in store!!!

Sorry 'bout Sirius :(
I know you are all nonplussed
Please forgive, 'till then discuss
This message from JK

You'll see why in the end,
Thanks for all the questions, friends
I've more chapters left to pen! A --

FANS:
Yes, please go and chapters pen! A --

JKR:
I've more chapters left to pen
A message from JK

ALL:
I/she must go, it's now the end
A message from JK!

A filk by Ginger to the tune of The Hairbrush Song

. It's one of the Silly Songs with Larry.

The Scene: The Burrow, the summer before Ron sets off to Hogwarts. Charlie has come home for a visit. Charlie digs through his old dresser drawer, in search of his old unicorn haired-wand, but finds only a wooden dowel. Unbeknownst to him, Ron is secretly practicing wand movements elsewhere in the house with the dowel's counterpart.

NARRATOR:
Our story opens as Charlie, now visiting his family home, is searching for his old wand. Having no success, Charlie cries out:

CHARLIE:
Oh, where is my old wand?
Oh, where is my old wand?
Oh, where, oh, where, oh, where, oh, where
Oh, where, oh, where, oh, where, oh, where,
Oh, where... is my old wand?

NARRATOR:
Having heard his cry, Percy enters the scene. Shocked, and slightly embarrassed at the sight of Charlie with a dowel, he regains his composure and reports:

PERCY (gesturing downstairs):
I think I saw your old wand down there.

CHARLIE:
Down there is my old wand.
Down there is my old wand.
Down there, down there, right down the stair,
Right there, down there, down there, right there,
Down there... is my old wand.

NARRATOR:
Having heard his joyous proclaimation, his sister Ginny enters the scene. Shocked, and slightly embarrassed at the sight of Charlie with a dowel, Ginny regains her composure and comments:

GINNY:
Why do you need your old wand? Your new wand has more hair.

NARRATOR:
Charlie is taken aback. The thought had never occurred to him. More hair? What does this mean? What will become of him? What will become of his old wand? Charlie wonders:

CHARLIE:
More hair in my new wand.
More hair in my new wand.
More hair, more hair, more hair in there,
More hair in there, in there more hair,
More hair... in my new wand.

NARRATOR:
Having heard his wondering, Molly, his mother enters the scene. Shocked and slightly embarrassed at the sight of Charlie with a dowel, she regains her composure and confesses:

MOLLY:
Charlie, that old first wand of yours. Well, you never use it. Y- You don't really need it. So, well, I'm sorry, I didn't know, but I gave it to our Ron, 'cause he needs hair.

NARRATOR:
Feeling a deep sense of loss, Charlie stumbles back and laments:

CHARLIE:
Not fair, oh, my old wand.
Not fair, my poor old wand.
Not fair, not fair, not fair, not fair,
Not fair, more hair, more hair, not fair,
Not fair, my little old wand.

NARRATOR:
Having heard his lament, young Ron enters the scene, himself with a dowel. Both Charlie and his bro are shocked and slightly embarrassed at the sight of ...each other. But recognizing Charlie's generosity, young Ron is thankful:

RON:
Thanks for your old wand.

NARRATOR:
Yes, good has been done here. Young Ron exits the scene. Charlie smiles, but still feeling an emotional attachment to his old wand, Charlie calls out:

CHARLIE:
Take care of my old wand.
Take care of my old wand.
Take care, take care, take care, take care,
Don't dare not care, don't dare not care,
Take care... of my old wand.

NARRATOR:
The end.

To the tune of Jonah Was a Prophet from Jonah: A Veggie Tales Movie.

THE SCENE: The Headmaster's office. DUMBLEDORE tells HARRY the story of SIBYLL TRELAWNEY'S first genuine prediction

DUMBLEDORE (recitative, slow):
Some years ago now, at Hog's Head Inn, I met a gal named Sibyll
And all throughout our interview, she spoke the sheerest drivel
I thought she had no talent, so began to kindly leave her
But then by chance, a sudden trance
Changed me to her believer

The music becomes very up-tempo as a full-size hologram of TRELAWNEY leaps from out the Pensieve and begins dancing with DUMBLEDORE

DUMBLEDORE: Sibyll is a prophet!
TRELAWNEY: Ooh, ooh!
DUMBLEDORE: Though she hardly ever got it
TRELAWNEY: Not a clue!
DUMBLEDORE: And she right away forgot it
TRELAWNEY: Riddly-ee-roo!
HARRY: OK, so what's your point!?

TRELAWNEY:
Predictions of Voldy
I now to you will make boldly
A lad unborn we'll soon behold, he's
The one we must anoint!

DUMBLEDORE: Sibyll is a prophet!
TRELAWNEY & HARRY: Ooh, ooh!
DUMBLEDORE: She was lousy when she taught it
TRELAWNEY & HARRY: Sad, but true!
DUMBLEDORE: But she deserves our plaudits
TRELAWNEY & HARRY: Riddly-ee-roo!
ALL: Let's get right to the point!

TRELAWNEY:
'Round Seven-Three-One
Three-time combatants gonna have a son
Who'll show that he's the top Shogun
Whom the Dark Lord can not match

DUMBLEDORE
But Voldy's spy was at that inn
When we caught that dude listenin'
We all tossed him out right on his chin
This next part he didn't catch!

TRELAWNEY:
This boy is unique, he'll
Be marked Voldy's equal
And in the final sequel
One will the other dispatch!

ALL
Hey!

HARRY: Sibyll is a prophet!
TRELAWNEY & DUMBLEDORE: Ooh, ooh!
HARRY: I'll never dare to scoff it
TRELAWNEY & DUMBLEDORE: Totally true!
HARRY: She says one of us must off it
TRELAWNEY & DUMBLEDORE Riddly-ee-roo!
ALL: Add exclamation point!

HARRY & DUMBLEDORE: Sibyll is a prophet!
TRELAWNEY: Ooh, ooh!
HARRY & DUMBLEDORE: We can never dare to scoff it
TRELAWNEY: Thank you two!
HARRY & DUMBLEDORE: She says one of us/you must off it
TRELAWNEY: Riddly-ee-roo!
ALL: Ten exclamation points!

DUMBLEDORE (spoken)
However, we were facing quite an interesting problem
For the prophecy might have been of you or might have been Longbottom.
But the Dark Lord marked the half-blood, for he saw himself in you --
That's how you obtained your scar that night when Voldy flew!

TRELAWNEY & DUMBLEDORE:
Protection from Lily
Has made you very full of the
Thing that's the greatest mystery!
And yes, that is your heart!

HARRY & DUMBLEDORE: Sibyll is a prophet!
TRELAWNEY: Ooh, ooh!
HARRY & DUMBLEDORE: We can never dare to scoff it!
TRELAWNEY: Totally true!

(Repeat x2)

HARRY & DUMBLEDORE: Sibyll is a prophet!

HERMIONE (spoken): Ladies and gentlemen, fellow students! Neville Longbottom presents a musical, electronic, multi-magical extravaganza: The Song of the Tebo!

NEVILLE (music): Tebo!

With an antiquated slide projector (powered by a 500-mile extension cord), NEVILLE begins showing a series of slides on a bedsheet hanging in midair - he is apparently alone in all of the "Tebo" photos

(spoken, with musical accompaniment) This is a song about a boy ...

A song about a wizard boy and his Tebo ...

A song about a wizard boy and his three Tebos ...

The wizard boy who had a red Tebo….a blue Tebo….and an orange Tebo….And also a Longhorn.

NEVILLE is momentarily flustered by a series of slides unrelated to his presentation

Um ... um ... this is a picture of me at St. Mungo's….This is my Great-Uncle Algernon….This is me standing up to Crabbe….And this is me fighting both Crabbe and Goyle.

CHORUS OF GRYFFINDORS: (with admiration) Ohh!

NEVILLE: This is me after fighting Crabbe and Goyle

CHORUS: (shocked) Ahh!

NEVILLE: This is me getting out of Madam Pomfrey's six weeks after fighting Crabbe and Goyle ... I think that's Crabbe's cousin. He's a Fire Crab!

SNAPE: Hold it! You call this a multi-magical extravaganza? This is a Muggle slide projector and a bed sheet! And where on earth are the Tebos, anyway?

NEVILLE: They're invisible. See?

SNAPE: (momentary silence) Yes. Well, very good. This is against my better judgment, but carry on!

The Song Proper now begins

NEVILLE: (music) Tebo! (spoken, to CHORUS) Sing it with me! (music) Tebo!

CHORUS: Tebo!

NEVILLE: Boy is looking for Tebo

CHORUS: Boy is looking for Tebo

NEVILLE: And he searches high and low

CHORUS: And he searches high and low

NEVILLE: Red Tebo is going from Zaire, to Togo go, to Togo go
to Togo go, to Togo go go go go

CHORUS: To Togo go, To Togo go, To Togo go,
To Togo go, To Togo go, To Togo go go go

NEVILLE: Longhorn giving big bellows

CHORUS: Longhorn giving big bellows

NEVILLE: Can't see boy or three Tebos

CHORUS: Can't see boy or three Tebos

NEVILLE: Big Longhorn is roaring and calling, goes to and fro, goes to and fro,
goes to and fro, goes to and fro fro fro

CHORUS: Goes to and fro, goes to and fro, goes to and fro, goes to and fro, goes to and fro, goes to and fro fro fro

NEVILLE: Tebo!

CHORUS: Tebo!

NEVILLE: Tebo!

CHORUS: Tebo!

NEVILLE & CHORUS: Oh, woe, you know, oh, woe, you know, oh, woe, you know, oh, woe, you know, oh, woe, you know, oh, woe, you know, Tebo!

NEVILLE: Longhorn eat the red Tebo

CHORUS: Longhorn eat the red Tebo

NEVILLE: Wash it down with nice Bordeaux

CHORUS: Wash it down with nice Bordeaux

NEVILLE: Strong Longhorn is eating and drinking
Mmm-mmm mmm mmm, mmm-mmm mmmmmm, mmm-mmm mmm mmm, mmm-mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm

CHORUS: Mmm-mmm mmm mmm, mmm-mmm mmm mmm, mmm-mmmmmm mmm, mmm-mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm

Slide projector suddenly melts. Musical accompaniment stops.

NEVILLE: (spoken) Uh-oh.

SNAPE: (spoken, caught up in the story in spite of himself) Well! What happens next?

NEVILLE: Um ...

SNAPE: Why did the Tebos leave Zaire for Togo? What is a Romanian Longhorn doing in West Africa? Doesn't the Longhorn have to able to see the Tebo in order to eat it? How did the other two Tebos escape? How can you know what color a Tebo is when they're invisible? Where did the dragon get its Bordeaux? And what, Mr. Longbottom, are you doing on the African continent fooling around with highly dangerous "Five-X" Beasts? You can't just give a presentation like this with all these discrepancies in your narrative! I'm going to have to speak to your Head of House about this.

NEVILLE: But wait - I've still the "show and tell" part, with my highly trained pet Tebo. (music, calling out) Tebo!

CHORUS: Tebo!

A huge reptilian foot crashes through the ceiling. Music again stops.

NEVILLE (spoken): No, wait ...that's the Longhorn.

SNAPE & CHORUS flee in panic

NEVILLE & LONGHORN (music)
No more song about Tebo!
Everybody want to go!
Audience is fleeing and screaming
And so no show, and so no show, and so no show, and no no no no show

ORANGE TEBO (suddenly materializing, spoken): I told you we shoulda done this in the greenhouse!

NEVILLE: I don't know, I just can't see it.

A filk by Eileen to the tune of The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything

We are the Students Who Don't Do Anything
We just study and mill around
And if you ask us to do anything
We'll just tell you, we don't do anything

NATALIE MACDONALD:
Well, I haven't seen the Burrow and I haven't been to Gringotts.
GRAHAM PRITCHARD:
And I never got to take part in that Quidditch World Cup brawl.
STEPHEN CORNFOOT:
And you won't find me in Canon, and I'm mighty rare in fanon.
ALL: And we never got invited to the Ball.

(Refrain)

NOTT:
Well, I haven't got a gender and my House is up for tender.
BLAISE ZABINI:
And I'm never mean to Harry 'cause I never talk at all
MORAG MACDOUGALL:
And I've never played at Quidditch and I've never got detention,
ALL: And we never got invited to the Ball.

\\\{Refrain\\\}

SALLY-ANNE PERKS:
Well, I've never laughed at Quirrell, and I've never crushed on Lockhart
TRACEY DAVIS:
And I've never been applauded or saluted in the Hall.
SUSAN BONES:
And I haven't had a close-up. I mean, outside of movies.
ALL: And we never got invited to the Ball.

\\\{Refrain\\\}

QUEENIE GREENGRASS:
And I've never flubbed at Potions and I didn't date a Weasley.
KEVIN WHITBY:
And I don't crusade for House-Elves, and I don't defend the small.
ORLA QUIRKE:
And I've never been a Beater and I haven't filled in Skeeter.
ALL: And we never got invited to the Ball.

HARRY:
Than the loathsome deeds of a traitor
Heading straight for Circle Nine

BOTH (spoken)
Then let us talk Pettigrew!

BOTH (music)
Wormytail, Wormytail, Wormytail, Wormytail!
Hear his tale, hear his tale, hear his tale, hear his tale!

HARRY
Who knew that I'd combat Scabbers Rat?
Wormytail!

VOLDEMORT
My demands are so grand, lend a hand,
Wormytail!

HARRY
Soft and bald! Vold installed! I'm appalled!
Wormytail!

VOLDEMORT
There's never-ever-ever-ever-ever been a spy like Wormytail!

HARRY
I should never-ever-ever-ever-ever spare a guy like Wormytail!

BOTH
The crimes of Wormytail-ail-ail-ail-ail!

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