Copyright 2003, 2004 by Caius Marcius, except S.P.E.W. Copyright 2003 by Amy Z & Haggridd; Send an Auror!, The Voldemort Rag and Whatever Became of Norbert? Copyright 2003, 2004 by Pippin; Granger Copyright 2002 by Mariner; Transfiguration Copyright 2003 by Haggridd; Who Else? Copyright 2003 by Gail
To the tune of National Brotherhood Week
THE SCENE: The Atrium at the Ministry of Magic. Standing before the Fountain of Magical Brethren, Minister of Magic CORNELIUS FUDGE promotes the newly established Magical Brethren Week
FUDGE:
Oh the centaurs hate the wizards
And the wizards hate the centaurs
They would rather kiss dementors
Than treat the other with respect
But during Magical Brethren Week
Magical Brethren Week
Bane lets Dolores practice her saddleback technique
It's neat to act benign
Towards them that's half equine
And also it's politically correct
Oh, the owners hate their house-elves
And the house-elves fear their owners
There are witches who've been known to
Mount their severed heads in rows
But during Magical Brethren Week
Magical Brethren Week
Lou and Narcissa are begging to wash Dobby's feet
`Cause being nice to imps
Will not turn us to wimps
So long as we don't have to give them clothes
Oh the goblins hate the humans
And the humans hate the goblins
You can hear some vicious squabblin'
During Goblin mutinies
But during Magical Brethren Week
Magical Brethren Week
Gringotts says they'll give away each silverwork antique
Step up and stoutly thank
The folks who control your bank
The robes of magic brotherhood we've donned
Be grateful, though, that no one else has wands!
To the tune of the MLF Lullaby
THE SCENE: 12 Grimmald Place. KREACHER sings a lullaby to the portrait of his beloved Mistress.
KREACHER
Sleep Mistress sleep, secure on your canvas
Though danger lurks, your house-elf, he can cuss
Your son's returned here, he's now determined
To fill our whole mansion with disgusting Mudblood vermin
While they all scheme their New Phoenix Order
Kreacher's a plan to bring the Dark Lord here
And though your poor elf does not have clothing
Your son inspires me to act from hatred and from loathing
Once the Black family with Purebloods stood by
With Slytherin they went the whole hog
But then Sirius turned an Amimagi
And since then we've all gone to the dogs!
So sleep well my Mistress, I'll save all your pictures
Much as I can, I'll ignore your son's strictures
All hail the Dark Lord! - the one who can't be named
Death to the Animagi!
Mental elf
Now sends himself
To one who hates Black as much as I!
Kreacher Apparates to the Malfoy Estate
To the tune of George Murphy
THE SCENE: Diagon, Number 93. FRED WEASLEY responds to his critics
FRED:
Retail trade of magic tricks
May induce some hysterics
From Missus Dolores
To …..Ilias Yocaris?
Because George Weasley is the guy
Who's done as well as I.
Oh gee, it's great,
At last we've got an entrepreneur who is
Just as smart as me!
You can expect that Voldemort
Is gonna face defeat
Cause in the corporate jungle we
Twins learned how to compete!
The essays that you've read
In the NYT's Op-Eds
At our Capitalistic methods look askance.
Should the Weasleys run joke shops? They say that
It's innately exploitative to sell Headless Hats
Though now we all hasten to reject their folly
With the support
Of Mother Molly
Marketing to Muggles we will next pursue
Let's lobby 'gainst the Secrets Laws of 1692!
Yes, now that we're commercialized, we gonna go quite far
We'll be as wealthy
As JKR!
To the tune of The Folk Song Army
THE SCENE: The Caretaker's Office. With great excitement, FILCH opens a large glossy purple envelope which contains his introductory KwikSpell lesson.
FILCH:
Here is my KwikSpell lesson
Designed for all of us squibs
It's got each spell simply spelled out before you
Except the ones you ad-lib
There are inordinate hurdles
For those whose wandwork is weak
But now with this course via correspondence
Why, Fred & George will have to learn to get meek.
FILCH reads from the First Lesson's introduction
"If you cannot do Apparation
Study your Kwikspell today
Your life will gain Scintillation
So - do not mind all the Galleons you'll pay"
Those kids may think that they're clever
But supposin' I was to throw a couple extra monkey wrenches into their plans
I'll learn to use all the stuff in my drawers I've
Confiscated as contraband
Recall D.J. Prod of Didsbury
Once Warlocking powers he lacked
And much he was mocked by his Missus
Till he turned her into a yak
So, I'll start my Kwik-Spell lessons
I'll pick up ev'ry magical trick
And become a great wizard like Sev'rus & Dumble
Ready....swish.....flick!
FILCH waves his wand. Nothing happens. He waves it again. Black-out
A filk by Amy Z and Haggridd to the tune of Smut
SCENE: HERMIONE has come into the Gryffindor common room carrying a roll of parchment and a box. She corners HARRY and RON to tell them all about her newly founded Society for the Promotion Of Elvish Welfare. The box contains membership badges. What has not been revealed until now is that on the parchment that held the S.P.E.W. manifesto, "Stop the Outrageous Abuse of Our Fellow Magical Creatures and Campaign for a Change in Their Legal Status", was also written the organization's anthem.
HERMIONE:
S.P.E.W.!
Let's give the house-elves all they're due.
And any sniggering from you
Two must be mu-ted.
You can't be fickle,
Just pay a Sickle
Or two and I'll give you a badge made of nickel.
Ron can be the Treasurer and Harry can be Secretary,
Now in S.P.E.W.
We have you two
That makes a total of three; isn't that merry?
We
Will change the non-wand-use decree,
House-elves won't have to work for free,
Or wear those tea-
Towels. Can't you see?
(spoken) They cook the food we eat, do the dishes, do our laundry, clean our filthy common rooms, dormitories, dungeons, loos, stained-glass windows-- everything! 'Til they're paid, we'll never be satisfied!
A house-elf wanders in to clean the grate. HERMIONE takes the opportunity to raise the elf's conciousness.
Not to be nosy,
But is that tea-cosy
Really all you have to wear?
That's not fair.
You won't go sockless,
You'll be auction block-less
Once you stand up for yourselves.
Let's face it, I love elves.
To HERMIONE'S surprise, underneath that tea-cosy is the familiar ugly face of DOBBY.
DOBBY:
A hundred weeks this job I seeks;
At Hogwarts I is staying.
Professor Dumbledore will pay if Dobby wants his paying.
That's not all, there's more,
Vacations galore!
RON:
The house-elves all think that Dobby's depraved,
Hermione. They. Like. It. They like being enslaved!
Give in,
They think not working is a sin.
This is a struggle you can't win.
I'm much too thin
To lose my din-ner.
HERMIONE:
Who needs a hobby, like Quidditch or Astronomy?
I've got a mission-- winning Elf autonomy.
To all who would oppress them, I'm afraid we must be blunt,
We cannot fail! We will prevail, the House-Elf Liberation Front!
In other words,
S.P.E.W.!
The ways of justice we'll pursue.
The revolution's overdue.
RON:
I can't think who
Might want to spew
And trouble you.
HERMIONE:
Ron, that's "S-P-E-W".
HARRY AND RON:
Okay, we'll do it for you.
HARRY AND RON reluctantly pin the S.P.E.W. badges on, and they leave the Gryffindor Common Room with sheepish expressions on their faces.
A filk by Pippin to the tune of Send the Marines!
MAD-EYE MOODY:
When someone makes a move
No wizard would approve,
Who is that responds to Dumbledore?
DADA and M.L.E.,
They help, to some degree,
But first send an Auror!
Though I have lost a leg
Which took me down a peg
I still have my spellcasting blasting wand.
When the Tri-Wiz Tournament
Arouses grave concern-ament
What should you do? Send for an Auror!
We know what's right,
Defenders of the light,
Hogwarts will be protected,
Students' rights respected,
And phony carriage clocks will be detected
The Chamber of Aurors
All hate wizarding wars,
We'd rather kill them off by peaceful means.
Stop calling us all madmen,
We're only offing bad men.
I've never used a Crucio
Except when there was need to know
They love me everywhere I go,
So when in doubt,
Send an Auror
To the tune of Pollution
SNAPE:
I am told by Hogwarts head man, see,
I must teach you Occlumency
There's one thing that you must not discuss:
Don't dare to utter of our syllabus
In Potions, in Potions,
You must say, "Remedial Class"
Then shut your trap
Lest Dolores nail our ass!
HARRY
See the scuttlebutt spread by Corner
How my potions are sub-normaler
This helps display how rumors get spread
They say I'm in Snape's Special Ed
CORNER & SMITH
In Potions, in Potions,
Though he teaches Dark Arts Defense
When boiling his brews
He is sing'larly dense
SNAPE:
Every Monday at 6 p.m.
Another evening of tedium
Each lesson turns out the same old grind -
The tip of my wand hits the back of his mind
Emotion, emotion.
Wear your heart proud on your sleeve
Voldy prevails
'Gainst the weak and naïve
Lots of junk there inside your brain
But there's one thing you had best explain
Augustus Rookwood, who is down upon his knees,
Proves you've had dreams about DEs!
So vow off those visions
Leave the Death Eaters to me
Hear this, Harry Potter -
I just told ya not ta
Dream of Mys- (Legilimens!) -Teries!
To the tune of So Long, Mom!
THE SCENE: High over the British skies. Six members of the DA make a rapid thestral-back flight toward the Ministry of Magic to rescue Sirius. Midway on their journey, they break out in savage and barbaric song
THE DA SIX:
Look out, MOM!
Towards Mysteries dot com,
We rush to join the fight
We hit the ignition
On our rescue mission
In magic flight
As the winds bite
With we six mounted thestrally
We now will veer off westerly
While Pat Doyle orchestrally
Performs a stirring score
We soon will launch the first fierce volley of the second anti-Voldy war.
Yeah!
RON:
Little Neville L., he is an Aurors' offspring
Who's now roaring off things to me.
LUNA:
He was mighty raged when Bellatrix made escape
HERMIONE:
Not even Snape'd disagree!
GINNY
And this is what he bellowed
On his way to blow up Bella:
NEVILLE
Look out, MOM!
We're Dumble A. dot com
A most heroic crew
And let us now, forsooth,
Land before the phone booth
And dial, please do
6-2-4-4-2
Remember Mommy,
Waylayed by friends of Tommy
Who turned her to a zombie,
So vengeance I must vow!
ALL
Look out for us when the war is startin':
A chapter and a half from now!
The phone booth descends, Maxwell-Smart wise, to the Ministry
A filk by Pippin to the tune of Whatever Became of Hubert
Whatever became of Norbert?
Has anyone heard a thing?
He was big in Book One
But with his part done
We've seen not a scale or wing
Hagrid's miniature Norwegian dragon
Harry's saga without him is saggin'
We've got Grawp in Phoenix, I know,
Still I get out the Kleenex and blow.
"We must protest this treatment, Norbert,"
Says each Potterverse reader.
As Rita wrote, dishing more dirt,
"Hagrid's a skrewt breeder."
(Sorry about that)
Whatever became of Norbert
We miss you, so tell us please.
Are you wild? Are you tame? Are you still just the same?
Shooting flame in a fiery sneeze?
Does Hagrid recalling when you were his own
Say, "Poor baby Norbert, now where do you roam?"
Do you dream you came back in Book Two?
Norbert, what happened to you?
A filk by Mariner to the tune of Alma
SCENE: In her office at The Daily Prophet, Rita Skeeter dictates yet another slanderous article about Hermione to her quill.
RITA:
The most dangerous witch in the Isles
Is Granger -- the sneakiest, too.
All men in her sphere she beguiles,
How she does this, I haven't a clue.
Her conquests are truly amazing,
That girl is a menace, I say!
Blood pressures and eyebrows she's raising,
As she bags a new boy every day.
Granger, tell us,
You're making the Hogwarts girls jealous,
Did you bang on some magical drum
To get Potter and Weasley and Krum?
The first one she conquered was Potter,
And to get him she played every card.
He said, "I'm so happy I've got her!
Just rename me 'The Boy Who Fell Hard.'"
But he was so awkward and scrawny,
With a messy-haired, clueless demeanor.
She wanted somebody more brawny,
So she went looking for pasture that's greener.
Granger, tell us,
You're making the Hogwarts girls jealous,
How did you get them all to succumb,
Bagging Potter and Weasley and Krum?
Harry's fame was a major attraction,
But it wasn't enough in the end.
Granger said, "It is time for some action!"
And went after Potter's best friend.
And that's how she picked up Ron Weasley,
Whose blood is distinguished and pure,
But his family fortune is measley,
Her comforts he couldn't ensure.
Granger, tell us,
You're making the Hogwarts girls jealous,
Though your charms add up to a small sum,
You got Potter and Weasley and Krum.
So she threw Ronnie over for Viktor,
Who has fame and fortune to spare,
He did not have the strength to evict her,
And now he is caught in her snare.
So that is the story of Granger,
Who surely must practice Dark Arts.
I warn you, that girl is a danger!
Boys, don't let her toy with your hearts!
Granger, tell us,
How can they help but be jealous,
You've left them nothing but crumbs,
While you got Potter and Weasley,
By what spells dark and grisly
Did you get Potter and Weasley and Krum?
A filk by Haggridd based on New Math
NOTE: Italicized sections are spoken
SCENE: Professor MINERVA MCGONAGALL is giving a lecture to her students:
Transfiguration is some of the most complex and dangerous magic you will learn at Hogwarts. Anyone messing around in my class will leave and not come back. You have been warned. It is important that you understand what you're doing rather than just get the right answer. Consider the following Transfiguration problem: turn a tortoise into a teapot
Now, teapots cannot walk,
So they don't need feet,
So you remove four tiny tortoise feet.
Now likewise, there's no nose,
So you give them a spout,
Regroup, and you change their tops into lids,
And you add handles right there at the back,
And you take away tails, that's fine.
Is that clear?
Now instead of a mouth in its face
You've a spout,
'Cause you need liquid,
That is to say, tea, to come out,
But you can't make tortoise-shell tea,
So you make a ceramic shell.
You can then boil the water
To make tea...
(And you know why you just cannot pour boiling water
Directly into a tortoise shell?
Because you will end up with tortoise soup, right!)...
And so you've got tortoise shells,
And you take away the tops, and that leaves tea...
Well, soup actually. You see why organization is the important thing?
Now go back to the ceramic shell,
And you're almost done,
And you make a pretty design,
And that leaves...?
Everybody get a teapot? No, Master Longbottom, it is not supposed to be a tortoise that breathes steam.
Transfiguration,
Transformation,
It really takes a lot of imagination.
It's not simple,
Not very simple;
Master Longbottom cannot do it!
Now, actually, that is not the answer that I had in mind, because in the book that I got this spell out of, Emeric Switch's "A Beginner's Guide To Transfiguration", they want you to turn a guinea-fowl into a guinea-pig. But don't panic. The basic principles are the same. Shall we have a go at it? Hang on......
A guinea-pig can't fly,
Flying is for birds,
So you change the bird to a mammal.
Now it doesn't have ears,
So you give it pig's ears,
Regroup and you conjure up a pigtail,
And you add it to its rump,
And you get a little tail,
Which should not be curled,
And you take away the corkscrew shape.
Okay?
Now, instead of two feet, called talons,
You've got four.
'Cause you added two
That is to say, hooves, to the two
Talons, but you can't add any more feet,
Or you might end up with insects.
Insects? "How did insects get into it?" I hear you cry. Well, insects and arachnids will be for next year, don't you know? So if you have any more silly questions, ask Miss Granger for the answers.
From the feet you then go right
To its face,
And you turn its beak to a nose,
And you get a guinea-pig's snout.
Or, in other words,
Guinea-fowl have only two feet,
And you then add two more feet,
And two feet plus two more feet is four.
Now forget about the insects,
And we're left with skin,
And you change feathers into fur,
And that leaves...?
Now, let's not always see the same hands. Right, Miss Granger? No, Master Longbottom, your teapot is not supposed to have feathers.
Transfiguration,
Transformation,
It really takes a lot of determination.
It's not simple,
Not very simple;
Master Longbottom cannot do it!
A filk by Gail to the tune of Who's Next?
NOTE: This filk was written before the release of OOP
First Harry's gonna die, that's understood
Fighting for the side of good
Will others also die? We can only guess
Shall we go down through the list?
Who else?
Dumbledore is old and wise
That archetype always dies
Then Harry Potter's best friend, Ron
In the game of life, he's just a pawn
Who else?
Lupin no doubt is a marked man
Slain by Wormtail's silver hand
Snape, he is as good as dead
"He'll be killed, of course," Voldemort said
Who else?
Hagrid's gonna get it, too
Massacred by You-Know-Who
Then there's our pal Neville
He will also be killed
"Horrible to write," Rowling said
When the time comes, we better be prepared
Who else?
Then there's the rumor, a fan'll die
So that means Creevey or Dobby
How about McGonagall?
What the hell, let's kill 'em all!
Who else?
Who else?
Who else?
Who else?
To the tune of Wernher Von Braun
SIRIUS:
Picture this while I sing you of Old Mother Black:
Quite long you would voyage all
Through both Bosch and Bruegel
To find a Munch-kin with a shriller attack
"What did that pig meant?" screams Old Mother Black.
Don't call her ravings Draconian
Say rather she's Francis-Baconian
"If a Mudblood drops in, I'll make subtle wisecracks:
'You'll boil in oils!'" shouts Old Mother Black.
She's had harsh words ever since I came back
She's rather more grislier
Than famed Mother Whistlier
Like the Saturn of Goya who on his sons snacked:
Whose gained the approval of Old Mother Black.
Soon, I'll make a stick charm ban, though
And my mum will away in a van go
"You'll find me on sale, 'midst Dark Arts bric-a-brac
Here at Borgin & Burkes," cries Old Mother Black.
A filk by Pippin to the tune of The Vatican Rag
First you get down on your knees
Shiver like you're gonna freeze
Bow your heads, each one of them
And kiss the hem, kiss the hem, kiss the hem
Muggles, Mudbloods are in danger
We've got Potter, we'll get Granger
Everybody at 'em
Finite Incantatem
Doin' the Voldemort Rag
Members of my inner circle will
Get the chance to torture, maim and kill
We're the gang that's incorrigible
With the curse that's unforgivable
Law Enforcement cannot catch us
We'll be gone before they snatch us
Two, four, six, eight
We can all Disapparate
So get down upon your knees
Swear eternal loyalties
Crawl to me and kiss my hem
Yeah! S&M, S&M, S&M
Grab a mask and put it on if
You're an evil wizard goniff
Avada Kedavra
Gee, it's great to have ya
Goin' ballistic an'
Gettin' sadistic an'
Doin' the Voldemort Rag!
