To the tune of Everybody Ought To Have A Maid, from Sondheim's A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum

THE SCENE: The ground of Hogwarts. Enter LUCIUS MALFOY and BARTY CROUCH, Sr.

LUCIUS
Everybody ought to have an elf
Everybody ought to have a helpful sprite
Everybody ought to use their elf-ful might
For straightening up the home

CROUCH, SR.
Everybody ought to have an elf
Everybody ought to own such modest slaves
Although they are the oddest knaves
Who are even more weird than gnomes.

LUCIUS
Oh, oh, wouldn't it be reposing
Having 'em without clothing
To do the chores?
CROUCH: Oh, oh, wouldn't it be relaxing
LUCIUS: Working less
CROUCH: Shirking more?

BOTH
Everybody ought to have an elf
Someone who you sign up when you need a serf
To labor on your bit of turf
Who never have need to roam.
LUCIUS: Moiling in the kitchen
CROUCH: Boiling up my coffee
LUCIUS: Broiling up some dinner
CROUCH: Spoiling up the master
BOTH: Toiling all around the home!

LUCIUS:
Oh, oh, wouldn't it oppressive
Were I to use excessive
Elf-discipline?
Oh, oh, wouldn't it be malicious
Slapping down
Strapping in

BOTH:
Everybody ought to have an elf
Someone proudly showing the ingredients
Of absolute obedience
Who'll scrape before our throne
LUCIUS: Keeling beneath their burdens
CROUCH: Reeling off their Creole
LUCIUS: Kneeling 'fore their owners
BOTH: Concealing fam'ly secrets
Squealing all around the home

CROUCH
Everybody ought to have an elf
Everybody ought to have a vassal who
Tries so hard not to hassle you
While cleaning with fine-toothed combs

LUCIUS
Oh, oh, think of them as a captive,
Who are highly adaptive
Slogging about.

CROUCH:
Oh, oh, shouldn't they be exploited,
Giving in,
Giving out.

LUCIUS
Everybody ought to have an elf,
If their work does not give you astonishment
Assign to them self-punishment
They're eager to atone!

LUCIUS: Yardening in the garden,
CROUCH: Guarding all through the arbors,
LUCIUS: Ardently bearing tea trays,
CROUCH: Laboring in each doorway
BOTH: Bustling all around the home!
The home!
The home!

Enter DUMBLEDORE, who is obviously abashed at having to sing in such company. He draws a piece of foolscap from his robe before he sings, making it clear that he has not memorized his lines beforehand

DUMBLEDORE
Everybody ought to have an elf
Someone who's established in their servitude
Who know just how to serve a dude
And shy away from crusades!
Oh, oh, aren't they all so domestic
Doing their very best if
They don't get paid
Oh, oh, aren't they so very loyal

LUCIUS
Don't we all
Have it made?

CROUCH & LUCIUS
Everybody ought to have an elf,
Even those with a name that means "bumblebee"
And though he thinks he's humble, he
Cannot his role evade.

DUMBLEDORE
Budgeting kept in balance

LUCIUS
Drudgering in your kitchen

CROUCH
Trudgering in your dorm rooms

DUMBLEDORE
Pudgering up the Weasleys

CROUCH & LUCIUS
Smudgering all about your fame!
Your name!
Your name!

Sondheim songs are usually difficult to filk due to their length and their intricate rhythms and rhyme schemes. One exception is The Cookie Song, a four-line ditty sung by the clientele of Dr. Detmold's Sanitarium for the Socially Pressured (aka The Cookie Jar)

To the tune of The Cookie Song (I'm Like the Bluebird) from Sondheim's Anyone Can Whistle

HARRY:
I'm like the Phoenix
I dissolve in smoke and ash
When I let my temper flash
I'm like the Phoenix??.

To the tune of There Won't Be Trumpets from Sondheim's Anyone Can Whistle

THE SCENE: Divination Class, at the beginning of Year Six, with TRELAWNEY back on the job. Before the startled Gryffindor class, she suddenly goes rigid in her armchair, her eyes roll & unfocus, her mouth sags, as she begins to speak in a deep harsh voice, quite unlike her own: Yes, Sibyll is about to deliver her third Genuine Prediction!

TRELAWNEY:
That bad little brat in his bad little dorm
He forgot one thing:
This story isn't his by a long shot yet!
There are heroes in these books
Saviors and heroes in these books
Not one of them's named Draco
There's no way!
There's no way!

There's no redemption, no subtle plot twist
To show he's changing.
No new nuances, no clues that we've missed,
No cataclysmic Banging.
He will not be the catalyst.
One-dimension, he's a foil
For young Potter, just the same as Crabbe and Goyle.

But no redemption in scenes dramatic
Or swift conversion.
He won't develop, he remains static,
There's no upgraded version.

Fans may say, wait another year
He has two more books to go
But our Draco,
Hasn't he shown he cannot grow?

Don't look for shipping or slashing romance
To help redeem him!
He won't win Hermy, and Harry - fat chance -
No tryst in leather jeans, then.

I know when, I know where,
So I won't even say don't ask us!
What I know is, that git will not trek
Towards Damascus!
He won't be redeemed!
There's no redemption!
For damned Draco!

After coming out of her trance, TRELAWNEY awards 10 points to Gryffindor in appreciation of their standing ovation.

To the tune of Hooray for Hapgood & There's a Parade in Town from Sondheim's Anyone Can Whistle

THE SCENE: The Great Hall. THE TRIO et al. sing the praises of Luna's father after HARRY's interview appears on The Quibbler's March 1996 cover.

THE TRIO, LUNA, FRED & GEORGE (joined by an ever-growing chorus of Gryffindor, Ravenclaw & Hufflepuff students)
Hooray for Lovegood!
Just as Luna/I had hinted
Quibbler newly printed's
Out today!...

Hooray for Lovegood!
Learn the facts from Lovegood,
Dark Lord is back says Lovegood,
So are Snorkacks says Lovegood

You won't be unswayed by Lovegood!
The truth is conveyed by Lovegood!
The Quibbler wins fame for Lovegood!
Harry gives names to Lovegood!
Find all the keys in Lovegood!
Learn of DEs from Lovegood!

All of this hubbub alerts PROF. UMBRIDGE, who loses little time in determining that HARRY is the source of this disturbance

UMBRIDGE:
Huh?... Hey!... What!...Students!...
I see crowds, I hear cries
In a cascade of sound!
I see owls, I hear lies
There's a charade around.
You spoke fibs to mislead,
No more trips to Hogsmeade!
I'll make Harry Potter
Use my quill to write lines
Did you dare? Make no plea!
Oh, how dismayed my frown!
Nose you thumb right at me
But I shall not calm down!
Well, you're out of line, you think you're sneaky,
Our school is betrayed.
You can't evade or go around me
For I will not be disobeyed!
So!... Ha!...

Exit UMBRIDGE. All Students take out their copies of The Quibbler, and begin reading aloud to one another.

CHORUS OF GRYFFINDORS
Lovegood has an interview by Skeeter

CHORUS OF RAVENCLAWS
Harry met the Death Eaters,
He tells Rita!

CHORUS OF HUFFLEPUFFS
This lays all the facts out for the reader.

Re-Enter UMBRIDGE, who puts Educational Decree #27 on very public display. Students immediately make their Quibblers vanish

CHORUS OF SLYTHERINS
Though what Potter says makes us enraged
We now can't admit we've read a page

UMBRIDGE:
I see red, now hear this
There's a blockade set down.
I tell you, sir and miss
Let no Quibbler be found!
My decree's on the wall,
Any quibbling at all
I will send you packing,
Toss your butt out the door.
Do not read! Do not keep!
I'll send my brigade around
Do not dare to flout me!
Or my blockade slink `round
'Cause I'm so obsessed
I protest that each Quibbler I'll fry.
Now that I have posted these decrees
You will not dare defy!

Exit UMBRIDGE. As soon as the students are certain that she has actually left, everyone - even the Slyths - un-vanishes their Quibbler and resumes avid reading. Iris out on HERMIONE, giving the thumbs-up sign.

To the tune of I've Got You to Lean On from Sondheim's Anyone Can Whistle

THE SCENE: 12 Grimmauld Place. KREACHER and several Black family portraits conspire to repossess their ancestral home.

REGULUS:
Now how did the House of Black go wrong?

KREACHER:
'Cause the Phoenix Order is too strong.

MOTHER BLACK:
Dishonor!

AUNT ELLADORA:
Filth!

ARAMINTA:
Scum!

AUNT ELLADORA:
Half-breed!

MOTHER BLACK:
Dishonor!

AUNT ELLADORA:
Freak!

MOTHER BLACK:
Dishonor!

REGULUS:
Who let the Phoenix Order in?

KREACHER:
I'll give you a single guess, your kin.

REGULUS (indicating a portrait of Sirius):
He did?

KREACHER
He did.

MOTHER BLACK:
He did?

ARAMINTA:
He did.

REGULUS:
He did?!

AUNT ELLADORA:
He did.

MOTHER BLACK AND ARAMINTA:
He did!

ALL (Overlapping):
He'll be defeated!
He'll be defeated!

KREACHER:
Now, here's how to trap him unaware.
We'll target someone for whom he cares.

MOTHER BLACK:
Brilliant!

ARAMINTA:
Clever!

REGULUS:
Good!

MOTHER BLACK:
Brilliant!

REGULUS:
Brilliant!

ARAMINTA:
Brilliant!

KREACHER:
Blood traitors in control, such shame,
Who is the child I most blame?
One guess.

REGULUS:
Who?

MOTHER BLACK:
Harry Potter

ARAMINTA:
Harry Potter

ALL:
Harry Potter, no chip off the Black block
Harry Potter, we'll teach him to make mock
Harry Potter, at that lad we'll take aim!

MOTHER BLACK:
Damn, she's cleaning again!

KREACHER withdraws, and the painting all go silent. The music goes up-tempo as MOLLY dances in, with a copy of Gilderoy Lockhart's Guide to Household Pests in hand

MOLLY (to LOCKHART):
When cleaning up after Dark Arts
I have my own Martha Stewart.
Whenever I must
Wipe the dust
It's a joy
I've got you to clean with

When everything's dingy and gray,
You'll notice I'm scrubbing away!
Just give me a nest
Full of pests
To destroy.
When I've you to clean with,
Gilderoy!

PHOTO OF LOCKHART
With me to rely on, you'll get results
Just make this the manual you'll always consult.

MOLLY:
Whenever there's boggarts
Or dirt
That annoy
I've got you to clean with!

PHOTO OF LOCKHART
You've got me to clean with!

MOLLY:
I've got you to clean with!

PHOTO OF LOCKHART
You've got -

Exit MOLLY - KREACHER and the paintings resume their conspiring

AUNT ELLADORA:
Now, what shall we label him, my friends?
A term for that nephew who offends...

ARAMINTA:
"No-account hound dog."

REGULUS:
Brilliant!

AUNT ELLADORA:
Terrible!

REGULUS:
Terrible!

AUNT ELLADORA:
Idiot!
A phrase that's a little more noxious...
One calculated to
Shock us-

REGULUS:
Yes?

AUNT ELLADORA:
"Enemy of pureblood."

MOTHER BLACK:
Pureblood...

REGULUS:
Pureblood...

ARAMINTA:
Pureblood!

ALL:
Pureblood!

ARAMINTA:
Enemy of blood!
Enemy of the pure!

CHORUS OF PORTRAITS (overlapping):
Enemy of pureblood!
Enemy of elves!
Enemy of the pure!
Enemy of the Dark Lord!
Enemy of pureblood!

ALL:
Harry Potter, soon your godpa is through!
Harry Potter, we will strike him through you!
Harry Potter, soon you'll face Voldemort!

KREACHER pulls out a well-worn photograph of Bellatrix Lestrange and gazes at it rapturously

KREACHER
Bell, my service is yours?..

Music again goes up-tempo as KREACHER dances joyously about the mansion

Whenever I'm tempted to swear
Allegiance to my rightful heir
You turn me turncoat
With your vote
In the fix
You help make me meaner.

CHORUS OF PORTRAITS:
When everything's vile at home,
We'll count on our faithful old gnome.
You'd better believe
He'll conceive
Evil tricks
You help make him meaner, Bellatrix!

KREACHER:
What comfort it is in my dank crawlspace
To gaze on that cruel and heavy-lidded face
Because I'm for her ship
I worship
Her pix -
You help make me meaner!

CHORUS OF PORTRAITS:
You help make him meaner!

KREACHER:
You help make me meaner!

For the big jitterbugging instrumental finale, the Blacks and Bellatrix emerge from their frames and join KREACHER in the dance. BLACK-out

To the tune of What Would We Do Without You & Side by Side by Side from Sondheim's Company

NOTE: In Sondheim's 1970 musical Company, the song What Would We Do Without You is sandwiched between two renditions of Side by Side by Side (the first more relaxed, with much spoken dialogue, the second very up-tempo leading to a dazzling climax). Here, I'm omitting the first "Side" - I'm starting with the intro to What Would We Do Without You, beginning with the line, "Here is the church?"

THE SCENE: King's Cross. The DURSLEYS, having dropped HARRY off, begin gloating as our hero realizes to his chagrin that there is no apparent Station 9 ¾ between Stations 9 & 10........

VERNON:
Where is your train?
Where is your station?
Open your eyes,
Just figments of your imagination.

The DURSLEYS exit, laughing. HARRY suffers a major panic attack

HARRY:
How will I ever get through?
Here's a fine hullabaloo!
How'll Aunt & Vern become empty-nesters
If I this semester
Can't make my debut?
I'm the Boy everyone knew
Who finished off You-Know-Who
But no one'll think I'm much of a force
If I can't find the Platform they call Nine and Three-Fourths
What's a boy wizard to do?
How will I ever get through?

How will I ever get through?
How will I get to my school?
There must be a platform with decimals
Or things will be dismal
And desolate, too!
Is there some map I could view?
Is there a signpost or two?
I've got my owl and my travel case
The only thing I haven't got is the proper place
Are there Muggles to turn to?
How will I ever get through?

How will I ever get through?
Can I make any breakthrough?
Academic placement for Harry
Is gonna miscarry
'Cause I have no clue.
Can I locate my choo-choo,
With a bird that utters "whooo"?
Was there something that Hagrid forgot
A magic incantation such as, "X marks the spot!"
How could I so misconstrue?
How will I ever get through?
How will I ever get through?
How will I ever get--
How will I ever get--
How will I ever get--
How will I ever get--through?
How will I ever get through?

MOLLY (off-stage):
Here we see Muggles beaucoup?..

Enter the Weasleys, with much commotion and ruckus

WEASLEYS (variously):
Right!
You there the Head Boy,
You Ron & you Gin,
Yo there oh Fred boy,
Which one are you, twin?
You-hoo, you-hoo,
You-hoo, you-hoo...

MOLLY:
Okay now! Everybody!

At MOLLY's imperious command, the disorderly procession suddenly becomes a tightly disciplined chorus line. Sudden change in tempo as MOLLY beckons to HARRY, who joins the WEASLEY procession as they tap-dance their way to 9 3/4

MOLLY:
Come with us, dear
It will be easy
Stride by stride!

PERCY, FRED, & GEORGE:
Cast off your fear,
Join with us Weasleys,
Stride by stride!

MOLLY
Panic will fade,
Dispersed,
Stride by stride!
Through that blockade
Head first
Stride by stride!

WEASLEYS
Once more this year,
Heading for Hogwarts
Stride by stride!
Our train is near
Make sure you stay alert
Stride by stride!

HARRY
Now the barrier's saying to me,
"Step right up and walk right through me?"

As each character utters his/her line, they disappear through the barrier

PERCY: Stride?
FRED: ?by stride?
GEORGE: ?by stride?
HARRY: ?by stride?
HEDWIG: ?by stride??
RON: ?by stride??
SCABBERS: ?by stride?
DUMBLEDORE (from his Famous Wizard Card): ?by stride?
GINNY: ?by stride?
MOLLY: ?by stride?
TREVOR (hopping ahead): ?by stride?
NEVILLE (chasing TREVOR): ?by stride?
GRANDMA LONGBOTTOM (chasing NEVILLE) ?by stride?

Everyone has now crossed the barrier - behind them stands a wrought-iron archway reading Platform 9 ¾

ALL: ?..by stride!!!!

Exeunt omnes, toward the Hogwarts Express

To the tune of Uptown/Downtown from Sondheim's Follies (cut from the original, included in the revue Marry Me a Little)

THE SCENE. Potions Class. SNAPE begins an owl to the Headmaster describing his least favorite student.

SNAPE:
Now this is the tale of a lad known as Harry, he
Was some kid they raised without folks, like Longbottom
A lesson-free life is his aim, and yea verily,
Not even the great Sev'rus Snape
Has yet taught him
He isn't the least perturbed by House points lost
So 'twixt him and me it's winter frost
And the subject of this evening's owl
Claims foul is fair and fair is foul

Hogwarts, he wins at Quidditch and gloats
Hogsmeade, he's sneaking in with no note
Hyperactive Harry, he's
My grievance from Gryffindor

Hogwarts, he's hanging out with Mudbloods
Hogsmeade, he's drenching Draco in mud
Hyperactive Harry, he's
My grievance from Gryffindor

He taps on his Map
As he ignores rules
And tries to sneak off so meek
Making us the fools
And soon the sap's in a scrap
Quite the rhapsody
I know what's on tap, oh
Claptrap capsules.

Hogwarts, he's tricking Age Lines with lies
Hogsmeade, upon Cornelius he spies
Ask me, ban him from Hogwarts and -Meade
He's one of the most miserable kids indeed.

A filk by Haggridd to the tune of The Story of Lucy and Jessie from Sondheim's Follies

SCENE: Albus Dumbledore recounts the climactic battle between Harry Potter and Lord Voldemort in OOP as they struggle within the same being, making it hard to kill the one without harming the other. The Order of the Phoenix members are helpless to intervene, except in song.

ALBUS:
Here's a little story 'bout the Wizards' War
About two names of note.
Let us call them Harry "P" and Voldy "Mort".
About whom Jo Rowling wrote.
Now Harry's immaturity
Along with insecurity
Has come from being only six and ten.
Voldy Mort's impurity's
Not buried in obscurity.
The Dark Mark flies much higher than Big Ben.
Given their antipathy,
You may ask why
Their two destinies are tied.
Blood from both reside,
Inside.

Harry's not scary,
He's very sincere.
Voldy's an oldie,
He radiates fear.
Harry's young, he's no oldie.
Voldy knows he is scary.
Harry's mingled with Voldy,
And Voldy, Harry.
You see, Voldy's voracious
He feeds from a snake.
Harry is gracious;
Eats Hagrid's rock cake.
Voldy cannot be gracious,
Harry's mingled with Voldy.
I find it most vexatious
But it's foretold, eh?

Takes its tolls,
Bewitching spells and switching roles.
Harry wants to vanquish Voldy's lies,
Voldy wants to see that Harry dies.

CHORUS, ORDER OF THE PHOENIX:
Now when you see Harry "P,"
Callow, fallow Harry "P,"
Let him know he's stronger than he can see.
Now if you see Voldy "Mort,"
Rotting, plotting Voldy "Mort,"
Tell him that he's more disgusting than a wart.
Wary Harry,
Moldy Voldy,
Wary Harry
Moldy Voldy?

ALBUS:
Harry keeps hurtin'
From scar on his head.
Voldy is certain.
He wants Harry dead.
Harry really is certain.
Voldy's causing his hurtin'.
If Harry and Voldy could just disentwine,
I could tell you someone
Who would finally feel just fine!

ORDER OF THE PHOENIX:
Wary Harry?

ALBUS:
Just fine!

ORDER OF THE PHOENIX:
Wary Harry...
Moldy Voldy?

ALBUS:
Just fine!

ORDER OF THE PHOENIX:
Wary Harry?

ALBUS:
Just fine!

ORDER OF THE PHOENIX:
Moldy Voldy?

ALL:
Tell 'em that they ought to part by hook or crook,
Legilimancy opens Harry like a book!

ALBUS:
Yeah!

To the tune of The Glamorous Life from Sondheim's A Little Night Music

HARRY arrives at the Leaky Cauldron - expecting to be expelled from Hogwarts, Fudge gives him a carte blanche to sally in Diagon Alley for the next two weeks. Enter TOM, the Cauldron's proprietor

TOM:
Poor old Harry Potter led one un-merry life
Did the chores and kept the garden
Mowed the lawn until exhausted.
Poor old Harry Potter through extraordinary strife
Fled his Aunt and caught the Bus
As he's pursued by Black…….
In fact!

FUDGE:
Harry, we've been in a flap,
But, Harry, no harm has been done,
Miss Dursley has since been punctured
By our Accidental Magic Reversal Department
In spite of this little scrap
They'll welcome you back as a son
Not till next year, it is preferred
Says our Accidental Magic Reversal Department
Thank you.

Harry revels in his unprecedented freedom amidst the wonders of Diagon Alley

HARRY:
Unpack my luggage, la la la,
Pack up my sorrow, la la la,
Sing from the rooftops, la la la,
Hi-ho, the Diagon life!

TOM:
Sleeping in each day, la la la,

FLOREAN FORTESCUE:
Savoring sundaes, la la la,

HARRY:
All day for fun play, la la la,

HARRY, FLOREAN & TOM
Hi-ho, the Dursley-free life!

Harry joins the crowd in front of Quality Quidditch to gape at the marvelous Firebolt

CROWD & HARRY
State-of-the-art broom, la la la,
Diamond hard polish, la la la,
Pinpoint precision, la la la,
Oh how the Firebolt flies!

TOM:
Good old Harry Potter soon congregates with friends,
Herm from France and Ron from Egypt,
They went shopping with each other
Magical Menagerie, to help poor Scabbers mend
Then a kitty, like a tiger,
Greatly did upset………………
Ron's pet!

HERMIONE:
Ronnie, forgive me today.
My kitty is acting a bit wild.
But, Ronnie, it's really all set--
I'm acquiring Crookshanks, so don't ask, "You bought that?!"
But Scabbers is back now, OK
This feline you can't have reviled?
Don't.
Ronnie, he's really no threat
I'm acquiring Crookshanks, my beautiful squat cat
Don't argue.

Cut to the Leaky Cauldron as the Weasleys and guests gather for dinner. The twins mess with their Head Boy brother

FRED AND GEORGE:
Pretentious brother, la la la,
His Head Boy badges, la la la,
Humungous Bighead, la la la,
Hi-ho, let's get him a life!

MOLLY:
King's Cross tomorrow,

ALL:
La la la,

ARTHUR (with feigned casualness):
Two cars we're driving,

ALL:
La la la,

ARTHUR & MOLLY:
MOM's merest favor,

ALL:
La la la,
Hi-ho, the Ministry life.

Cut to the same scene 30 minutes, later, as HARRY, retrieving Scabbers' rat tonic, accidentally overhears ARTHUR & MOLLY

ARTHUR:
We must tell Harry, la la la,
He's not a child, la la la,
He must be on guard, la la la,
Sirius threatens his life.

MOLLY
The truth is scary, la la la,
He's safe at Hogwarts, la la la,
Albus protects him, la la la,
Sirius can't take his life.

HARRY (to himself)
It could be curtains, la la la,
Darkness is flirtin', la la la,
But I'm assertin', la la la,
Sirius won't take my life

ARTHUR & MOLLY
It could be curtains, la la la,
Darkness is flirtin', la la la,
This much is certain, la la la,
Sirius won't take his…….

HARRY: .....Life!

To the tune of You Must Meet My Wife from Sondheim's A Riddle Night - I mean, A Little Night Music

THE SCENE: The Boy Who Lived and the Lord Who Died waltz their way through DH's final chapter.

VOLDEMORT:
Of him I am rid, He-
Who-Lived lives no more,
I guess I'm a little giddy,
Help me off the floor.
At long last I have won, I'm done with this strife.
I just took his life.

My hex diabolic,
Narcissa confirms,
Makes Potter ex-metabolic,
He's mere food for worms.
I'll use a Crucio to show how he fell
I just took his life, my Bell.

One hundred times he has escaped me
But his funeral I'll find pleasant
What happiness 'twill bring to Snapey
Oh, but wait, I'd forgotten, he's not in at present?.
The son of James Potter
And Lily, his wife
'Twas so long ago I got her
And him with my knife
Just watch me now and see how far I can go--
I just took his life, you know.

HARRY [aside, spoken]: Dear Narcissa, Draco's just longing to see you. In the castle.

VOLDEMORT:
He crumbles..

HARRY [aside]:
So you think.

VOLDEMORT:
Like Dumble...

HARRY [aside]:
Not quite.

VOLDEMORT:
My curses have caused him to shrink --

HARRY [aside]:
This Dark Lord ain't bright.

VOLDEMORT:
By idiosyncratic?.

HARRY [aside]:
Hor...?

VOLDEMORT:
--crux once rife,
I just took his life.

HARRY (spoken, aside, thinking of his parents):
Yes, I'll trust. I'll really trust. Now--

VOLDEMORT:
Tell Hagrid?.

HARRY [aside]:
It's awesome?.

VOLDEMORT:
?..Convey kid?

. HARRY [aside]:
?.My ruse.

VOLDEMORT:
?.To school.

HARRY [aside]:
Though I am playing possum,
Voldy's still obtuse.

VOLDEMORT (abruptly shouting an order to Hagrid):
I now reveal a---STOP!

HARRY [aside]:
A Harry inert.

VOLDEMORT:
Ha! Ha!

HARRY [aside]:
Now?

VOLDEMORT (ordering Hagrid to drop Harry):
Flop!

HARRY [aside]:
He now speaks of me rude.

VOLDEMORT:
He's dirt.

HARRY [aside]:
Yet unhurt.

VOLDEMORT:
The Chosen One, you see him vanquished,
By my Killing Curse overpowered.
Resistance to me has all been squished,
And so triumphs the Devil?

HARRY (revealing himself to Voldemort, as Neville brandishes the Sword of Gryffindor):
But Neville's
No coward!

VOLDEMORT:
You live on!

HARRY:
You're livid!

VOLDEMORT:
Fetch Bella!

HARRY:
She died.

VOLDEMORT:
You should have been slain at Privet.

HARRY:
Your wish is denied.

VOLDEMORT:
Don't call me any names--

HARRY:
Like?

VOLDEMORT:
"Old Tommy R."

HARRY:
I'd go that far.

VOLDEMORT:
I'll re-take your life.

HARRY:
But you are what you are?.

VOLDEMORT:
My certainties have turned to maybes
As you urge me on to repentance.
I'd rather be an ugly baby
Than relinquish my power --

HARRY:
You've earned your death sentence!
You're monstrous!

VOLDEMORT:
I'm fright'ning!

HARRY:
Unfeeling!

VOLDEMORT:
Uncursed!
I'll strike as the tension's tightening--

HARRY:
No, I'll strike you first.

VOLDEMORT:
My fierce offense, my devastation--

HARRY:
You're cursed!

VOLDEMORT (as his AK rebounds upon him):
No!

HARRY:
Yes!

VOLDEMORT:
No!

HARRY:
Riddle!

VOLDEMORT:
I just lost my life.

HARRY:
We'll exult with drum and with fife.

VOLDEMORT:
What went wrong?

HARRY:
You just lost your life.

VOLDEMORT/ HARRY:
Yes, I/you just. Yes, I/you just...

To the tune of Every Day a Little Death from Sondheim's A Riddle - I mean, A Little Night Music

THE SCENE: Gryffindor Commons. HARRY ponders the "secondary gain" of his inability to stave off the dementors.

Harry felt drained and strangely empty, even though he was so full of chocolate. Terrible though it was to hear his parents' last moments replayed inside his head, these were the only times Harry had heard their voices since he was a very small child. But he'd never be able to produce a proper Patronus if he half wanted to hear his parents again....

HARRY
Every day a Riddle death
Of my mother, of my dad
In the Hollow, in our dwelling
Full of sorrow and so sad
Every day a Riddle doom
Fogs my heart and fogs my head,
Every 'mentor's rattling breath
(How it plucks them from their tomb!)
Brings a direct Riddle death.

He laughs coldly, mocks my mum
Says he'll slaughter me.
He could murder her right there,
Yet still she pleads.
My Dad told my Mum to run
(Gave his life to save his son)
It is then I fall unconscious
(Did she die?)

I collapse into a faint
When dementors near
Yet I half-want them beside me
To hear her
It is stupid, it's insane
Longing for her voice again
This hallucinating business I abjure!

Ah, well...

Unbeknownst to HARRY, his perfectly-formed PATRONUS seeps out of his wand to accompany him for the rest of the song

HARRY & (PATRONUS)
Every day a Riddle death
(Every day a Riddle death)
Of my mother, of my dad
(Oh her lips and her green eyes,)
In the Hollow, in our dwelling (Oh her murder, oh our losses)
Full of sorrow and so sad (So much torture, her demise)
Every day a Potter cursed
(Every day a Potter dies)
Fogs my heart and fogs my head (Voldy looks and Voldy lies.)
Every 'mentor's rattling breath

BOTH:
And as awful as at first
Brings a direct Riddle death.

To the tune of Night Waltz: The Sun Won't Set from Sondheim's A Little Night Music

THE SCENE: The trial of Barty Crouch, Jr. with CROUCH SR. as prosecutor. As Crouch Jr. is guarded by dementors, CROUCH SR. presents the prosecution's case to a large CHORUS OF WIZARDS AND WITCHES

CROUCH, SR.
My son sinks low,
Conspiring with Longbottom's foes.

CHORUS OF WIZARDS
In the dock
Contrite
Hear him plead
And his mom's in shock
Despite
His foul deed.

CROUCH, SR.
But my son sank low,
As low as a wizard can go.

CHORUS OF WITCHES
Wicked flock!

WIZARDS
Knife fight!

WITCHES
How appalling!

WIZARDS
He dared to mock....

WITCHES
Their plight

WIZARDS
Darkness crawling
But--

WITCHES
Key and lock...

WIZARDS
Indict!

WITCHES
End this brawling.....

FULL CHORUS
Our hands we raise,
We invoke judicial cliches,
On Azkaban now he must gaze
'Cause turning DE, son
Is rather a treason-
Ous thing.

During the instrumental bridge, a dementor waltzes about the court with Crouch Jr.

CROUCH, SR.
The son must sweat,
No longer shall he be a threat.
That boy there I have not beget

CROUCH, SR. & CHORUS
That I'm/you're his ancestor
I'll/You'll now do my/your best ter
Forget.

Crouch Jr., screaming violently, is escorted from the court by dementors

To the tune of the same name from Sondheim's A Little Night Music

"Your aunt and uncle will be proud, though, won't they?" said Hermione as they got off the train and joined the crowd thronging toward the enchanted barrier. "When they hear what you did this year?"

"Proud?" said Harry. "Are you crazy? All those times I could've died, and I didn't manage it? They'll be furious ......"

- CoS, Chap. 18

No, Harry, VERNON & PETUNIA are not really furious, not exactly; they're more filled with sorrowful resignation and a touch of wistful regret over the events of the last six years...a Sondheim-lich sort of mood.......

PETUNIA:
I should never have said he could stay with us.
Then he'd never have come to our suburb
If he never had come to our suburb
Potter would have stayed somewhere else?.

VERNON:
Madam..

PETUNIA:
Sir...

If he'd been gotten rid of
By a riddling Sphinx
Or if Thomas M. Riddle
Had a radical jinx
If his end had been perfectly awful
It would have been wonderful.

If...if...
If the Chamber when entered
Got him turned into stone
Or if kissed by dementors
And mentally turned to a drone
If he'd rode on a centaur
And sudden was from horseback thrown
It would have been wonderful.

But he has Lily's protection
He's the Boy Still Alive
Who brings his infection
To 4 Privet Drive
Oh, for a change in direction
So he won't survive?..
And that would be wonderful.
Sir...

VERNON:
Madam...

If he'd only been buried
When AK'd in a duel
If he'd only been harried
To death in his school
If he had far more awful defects
It would have been wonderful.

If...if...
If he'd only expired
Once tied up to a grave
Or if he'd not use fire
When he was trapped in the cave
If he had raised Fluffy's ire
And he had made him misbehave
It would have been wonderful.

But your blood gives him protection,
To our deepest disgust
Instead of rejection
Which would have been just.
May he soon make connection
With ashes and dust!
For that would be wonderful.

PETUNIA:
If he'd only been slaughtered--

VERNON:
While exploring the maze

PETUNIA:
If he'd drowned in deep water--

VERNON:
As all the merpeople gazed--

PETUNIA:
If he had been hexed by Peter--

VERNON:
Or Bella--

PETUNIA:
Or Eaters--

VERNON:
Half-crazed--

BOTH:
It would have been wonderful.

VERNON:
If...

BOTH:
If...

PETUNIA:
If they'd fed him to spiders?

VERNON:
If Bludgers banged his head...

PETUNIA:
If the Veil opened wider...

VERNON:
If he met an ending?

PETUNIA:
Like Ced--

VERNON:
If he'd been hit by Dark Lords

PETUNIA:
Or dragons--

VERNON:
Or Ron's Ford--

PETUNIA:
'Til dead--

BOTH:
It would have been wonderful.
But he always springs to action,
Thus avoiding his doom.
Our dissatisfaction,
It's safe to assume
When he does the-fate-of-Black shun
Fills us with such gloom!

VERNON:
Madam...

PETUNIA:
Sir...

BOTH (with a sudden glimmer of hope):
At least there is one more year?..

To the tune of Send in the Clowns, from Sondheim's A Little Night Music

THE SCENE: Gryffindor Common Area. HARRY laments the loss of his Firebolt, confiscated by McGONAGALL on the suspicion that it may have been sent by Sirius Black

HARRY
Isn't it mine? No longer there.
When will I next leave the ground,
Back toward mid-air?
Send me my broom

Wasn't it Herm who won't approve?
Teachers came snooping around
It was removed
From Black, they assumed....
Send back my broom.

Just what I'd lost for Gryffindor
Magic'ly on Christmas is more than fully restored
Getting a package that gave me a much higher jolt
Such great design:
A Firebolt.

I cannot wait
I need it quick
But they must inspect it for hex
Hooch and Flitwick
They'll strip down my broom
Quick, save my new broom
They'll bother my stick

Enter McGONAGALL, bearing the Firebolt, which she returns to HARRY

McGONAGALL
Isn't a threat - this much is clear:
Gaining a broom like this shall
Give Slyth'rin fear
So here is your broom
You ought to re-zoom

McGONAGALL & HARRY exchange smiles confident of Gryffindor victory

BOTH
Just wait'll this year.......

To the tune of Send in the Clowns from Sondheim's A Little Night Music

THE SCENE: Gryffindor Common Room. RON laments his wayward love life.

RON:
Isn't that her? Should I go hide?
I'd thought that I'd be unbound
Instead I'm tied
To Lavvy Brown

I lost one who's a paragon
And now the girl who I've found
Calls me "Won-Won"
Lavender Brown
She gets me down

Just when I'd stopped being a dong
Finally getting my chance to snog all day long
Ent'ring the classroom again, I then knew I would flunk
Without my Herm
My ship is sunk

Do I love Herm?
She'd make me swoon
If only I had greater range
Than a teaspoon.
But where's Lavvy Brown?
Quick, hide me from Brown.
And make it damn soon.

Aren't I a dork? Isn't this dumb?
Wanting someone who has both
Cormac and Krum?
But where's Lavvy Brown?
I must escape Brown.
Too late, here she comes?..

To the tune of Pretty Women from Sondheim's Sweeney Todd

THE SCENE: HAGRID, promising an important revelation, escorts HARRY (under his invisibility cloak) down a pathway away from Hogwarts. NOTE: For dramatic purposes, Madame Maxime does not enter until the very end.

HAGRID (to Harry)
You'll see, sir, before you carry out your task
The challenge that you shall face
So follow me down this winding lane
My purposes I shall soon explain
Why secrecy we must tight maintain
So please keep your cloak in place

HARRY (under his cloak)
I'll try hard to keep apace

HAGRID hums joyfully as he walks along. HARRY joins in by whistling along.

HARRY (spoken)
You're in a merry mood today, Mr. Hagrid.

HAGRID (music)
When I approach things breathing fire
My heart cannot be vexed
These creatures simply so inspire
My soul to sing, as if in choir
How much, how much I so admire....

HARRY
They're Skrewts, sir?

HAGRID
More than Skrewts, sir

HARRY
What, sir?

HARRY stops at the sound of a deafening roar

HAGRID
Dragons.

HARRY (stunned with fear)
Ah....yes......dragons.....

HAGRID
Pretty dragons.

HAGRID & HARRY approach a compound in which four ferocious and violently struggling dragons are being held in preparation for the Triwizards Tournament. CHARLIE WEASLEY heads up a team of Wizards trying to subdue them. HAGRID resumes his humming; HARRY tries to whistle along again, but his throat is now too parched and dry

CHARLIE (to his team)
Now then my friends
Now use your stun spell
Together, employ it
Dragons can't be controlled with traps

HAGRID (to Charlie, interrupting)
What types do you hold here
Within your compound, sir?

HARRY (to himself)
Oh my!

CHARLIE
A Horntail, Welsh Green,
Fireball, and Short-Snout, sir

HARRY (to himself)
I'll die!

HAGRID (spoken)
Such a pretty Horntail!

HARRY (spoken)
I'm deader than a doornail!

CHARLIE (spoken, overhearing the invisible Harry)
What? What was that?

HAGRID (spoken, escorting Harry away from Charlie)
Oh, nothing, sir, nothing, nothing. Kindly proceed.

HAGRID gazes upon the dragons with a rapturous expression, while HARRY's invisible face bears a look of horror

HAGRID (music)
Pretty dragons
Lacerating
Breathing fire
Nesting
Pretty dragons
Are a wonder
Pretty dragons

Rearing on their hind legs
Or roaring with a blare
Something in them
Warms the air

Pretty dragons.....

HARRY
How I'm threatened......

HAGRID
Savor the view.....

HARRY
Roasting......

HAGRID
Blaze forever.....

HARRY
Burning fiercely......

HAGRID
Pretty dragons......

BOTH
Pretty dragons!
Blowing away wizards or
Growing fifty feet

HAGRID
Then they eat

BOTH
Even when they've eaten,
They're famished, they somehow
Can still remain
Hungry
Hungry

HAGRID
Ah, pretty dragons

HARRY
Oh, the terror!

HAGRID
All they've charred on....

HARRY
Last-will writing.....

HAGRID
Power soaring.....

HARRY
Death encroaching........

HAGRID (simultaneous with below)
How I feel awake!
Glimpse of Heaven
That I'm having!
Pretty dragons, sir!

HARRY (simultaneous with above)
How they make this boy quake!
Soon in Heaven
I'll be living!
Pretty dreadful, sir!

HAGRID (simultaneous with below)
Pretty dragons, yes!
Pretty dragons, sir!
Pretty dragons!
Pretty dragons, sir!

HARRY (simultaneous with above)
Pretty dreadful!
Pretty dreadful!
Pretty dreadful!
Pretty dreadful!

Enter Madame Maxime

MAXIME
You say that Fleur will face dragons,
That's what you said, that she must fight....

HARRY (to himself, spoken)
You! They have indeed a firepower, but have I been warned in time?

HARRY takes advantage of HAGRID's distractedness to run off so as not to be late for his rendezvous with Sirius.

To the tune of Not While I'm Around from Sondheim's Sweeney Todd

THE SCENE: Pomfrey's infirmary. We discover Harry, half-asleep, once more convalescing following a traumatic encounter with Dark Powers. Sirius, in the form of PADFOOT, stands guard over him. Sensing Harry's restlessness, PADFOOT sings him a lullaby.

PADFOOT
Nothing's gonna harm you
Not while I'm a hound
Nothing's gonna harm you
No, sir
Not while I'm a hound

DEs are prowling
Everywhere
Causing hurt
I'll just start growling
I'm aware
And alert

No one will attack you
No one's gonna dare
You've got Sirius Black who'll
Make 'em scurry.
Whistle, I'll be there

Wizards who'll hex you
With their worst
Evil curse
I'll disperse
Nothing can harm you
Not while I'm a hound

Cave canem, I will ban 'em
Do they think I will slumber supine?
That won't occur
Not with this cur
You're aligned now with this ol' canine
Not to worry, Son?.

Prongs, my old pal, you would be proud
If you only knew
How your son fought brave and unbowed
He's so much like you,
Your son?..

Nothing's going to harm you
Not while I'm a hound
Nothing's going to harm you, Harry
For I'll stand my ground.

Darkness is rising
Once again
In full force
They will flee fast if
A mastiff
Stays their course

No one's gonna vex you
None will take that chance
Dark Lords may perplex you
Not to worry
I will take my stance

Wizards who'll hex you
With their worst
Evil curse
I'll disperse
Nothing's gonna harm you
Not while I'm a hound???

Harry falls into a deep sleep as the song ends. Iris out on PADFOOT, maintaining a vigilant watch.

To the tune of Franklin Shepard Inc. from Sondheim's Merrily We Roll Along

THE SCENE: The Common Room, 1:05 a.m. After Harry storms off to bed, RON - who is better at Transfiguration then we might think - transforms a pincushion into a Daily Prophet reporter so as to provide him with an audience for his bitterness and anger.

REPORTER
I know our readers would love to hear why you two are asunder

RON (picking up the Potter Stinks badge, and beginning to toy with it.)
Why are we asunder? Sure.

They went-

RON pantomimes Fred and George unsuccessfully challenging the Age Line

And he went -

RON pantomimes Harry successfully challenging the Age Line

And that's 'cause his power's so strong -

Hmmm-Hmmm-Hmmm -
He loves to impress the throng! -
Hmmm-Hmmm-Hmmm -

Then Al went -

RON pantomimes Dumbledore presiding over the Goblet of Fire

And it went -

RON pantomimes the Goblet of Fire producing Harry's name

And the crowd went bzzzzz!

And Al went -

mimicking Dumbledore's consultation with his colleagues

"Potter Potter Potter Potter yes, Maxime,
Potter no, Maxime,
Potter Potter Potter Potter -
-Call the Auror, Maxime, -
Potter Potter Potter Potter Potter do it, Maxime, ?
Sorry, Igor ? "

So they went -

RON pantomimes Maxime, Karkaroff & Snape giving the thumbs down

But we went -

RON pantomimes Dumbledore, Crouch Sr. & Moody giving the thumbs up

And he went -

RON pantomimes Harry secretly giving a thumbs up as he gloats of his surreptitious TriWiz success

And soon they're lapping it up -
Hmmm-Hmmm-Hmmm -
(mimicking diverse voices in the crowd)
"Wiz!"
"Move it, Weasley ? "
"Wiz!"
"- It's the Daily Prophet - "
"Wiz!
"- For an interview - "

"Yes, TriWiz!,"
"By owl messenger ? "
""Yes, TriWiz!,
"Will he speak to the press? "
"Will they weigh his wand? "
"Is he sweet on Herm? "
"Will he win the prize? "
"Will you - "
"Fllllash! "
"Beat it, Collin - "

"Potter Potter Potter Potter tells his life "
"Potter day and night"
"Potter Potter Potter Potter Potter - "
"Wiz!
"Even though he's too young ? "
"Wiz!
"Yes, TriWiz! ? "
"It's the interview ? "
"No, TriWiz!, "
"Will they make him withdraw? "
"Are the games going on? "
"Does he worry he'll lose? "
"Are they gonna pull rank? ? "

'Cause the faculty met
And then Dumble said
He's in with Viktor, Fleur and Ced,
'Cause he somehow crossed the Age Line.
And he's now a Hogwarts Champion.
Right?

He's the Boy Who Lived
And the Boy Who Lied
And who won't in his best friend confide,
And he gave a real stale quote.
And won't give an explanation.
Right?

He revels in his good fortune
He's dismissed me as a dink
That's the story of the way things are
That's why Harry Potter Stinks.

REPORTER (spoken)
Oh. Well, when you do work together, what do you resent the most - his fame or his fortune?

WEASLEY (spoken)
Generally, their contrast.

REPORTER (spoken)
It sounds like you think having sickles is a bad thing for a wizard.

WEASLEY (music)
Sickles?
Did you say sickles?
Hey, I need sickles a lot -
Hmmm-Hmmm-Hmmm -
I mean, they've raised me with naught -
Hmmm-Hmmm-Hmmm -
But when it's -
(grunts hungrily)
Sickles ?
(again)
Sickles ?
Cause he's into -
(snorts)
Sickles ?
And he should be -

(spoken) Listen, Harry has the sickles thing very well, but you know why? His parents did it for him. And he does the magic thing very well. And you know what? That just makes me bitter.

(music)
Then the Gryffindors drank
Draughts of butterbeer
As they wildly applaud and cheer
Cause they think that he has won, he
Will lead us to victory -
Right?

So I ask "What's up?
And he plays this ploy,
'Cause he somehow needs
To act so coy
It's whoo-ooooh!
(as Harry, through an owl message)
"Hiya, Rita,
Wanna hear my yarn?
Got my strength from parents,
I cry through the night
But they still watch out
I'll be safe and sound
I'm the nominee
For this big event
Earning such applause - "

And he regards me with such scorn, ya'd
Never know we once were linked
That's his business to demean his pal
That's why Harry Potter Stinks.

Very sneaky how he did it
Much more stealthy than a mink.
Loyalty just does not mean a thing,
That's why Harry Potter -

spoken - RON has a sudden attack of remorse and yearning for the restoration of the status quo ante

Wait, could we wait a minute here because I'm sounding too harsh. The thing, you see, is we're not close right now, but we really used to be. And to paraphrase Tom Lehrer, friendship's like a sewer: what you get out of it depends on what you put into it. And I miss it. I want it back. Look -

(music)
Nothing pertinent has happened,
We're just kinda out of sync
Friendship's something that survives the blues ?

(spoken) Witches and Wizards, don't let me lose the best friend a boy wizard ever had..

Abruptly, RON suddenly turns bitter against Harry, and pins the POTTER STINKS badge to his chest

. Stop him in the hallways - you'll be sure to recognize him, he's the guy passing out autographed photos of himself

(music)
Very sneaky how it happens,
He competes as Dumble winks
It's too bad that I don't feel amused -

(highly agitated)
Oh, my gosh, he caught me nappin'
He has pushed me to the brink
Bogus triumphs dominate the news -

(to Reporter, spoken)
In case you didn't notice, this is my first Prophet interview - and my last.

(music)
No, here's the point, that Harry Potter -
In my estimation shrinks -
From the shadows, his former friend's view
Is that -

"Potter Potter Potter Potter quick, Hermy,
Get McGonagall,
There's a crazy kid
In the Common Room ? "

Is that -
"TriWiz! Flllash! -"
Is that -
Harry Potter -

(spoken) Thanks, Draco, 'cause I do need these "Stinkin'" badges

(music) - Stinks!

RON transfigures the reporter back into a pincushion and exits. Black-out

To the tune of Bobby and Jackie and Jack from Sondheim's Merrily We Roll Along

THE SCENE: 12 Grimmauld Place. Canonically, this scene is actually between SIRIUS and HARRY only, but I needed a third voice, hence HERMIONE'S presence.

HARRY
1995?

HERMIONE
It's 1995 ?

SIRIUS
And man, what a bad year it's been!

ALL THREE
So many terrors,
Such horrors it has brought,
We hardly know where to begin:
There's Voldy and Barty,
And Cedric Diggory

HERMIONE
Achieving victory

HARRY
But now he's history....

SIRIUS & HERMIONE
Harry keeps dreaming
And Hopkirk's owl came in.

HARRY:
And my scar hurts again.

ALL THREE
Good bye then to Four Privet Drive,
At least till the end of Book Five.

SIRIUS unveils a tapestry showing the "Noble and Most Ancient House of Black"

SIRIUS:
Grimmauld that we enter
Is as cheerful as dementors -
Thanks to my dark Black Family
Toujours
C'est Pur .

HARRY:
There's Reggie

HERMIONE:
And Old Mother Black.

ALL THREE
With a Sticking Charm on her back:
There's Aram and Phin and Elladora

HARRY:
Plus Alphard

HERMIONE:
Narcissa

SIRIUS:
Andromeda

HARRY:
And what's-her-name - ?

HERMIONE:
Pansy?

HARRY:
No, no, nada -
The one in the Pensieve -

HERMIONE & SIRIUS:
The one in the Pensieve?

HARRY:
LeOdd?LeWeird?.

SIRIUS:
LeStrange.

HARRY:
That's it!

ALL THREE
The family tree goes way back,
And here's the most salient fact
This one was a pureblood and Slytherin
And that one was pureblood and Slytherin
The rest are all purebloods and Slytherins -
With half-bloods they never used tact,
Not Reggie and Old Mother Black
And Bella and Ell and Aram and Al and Reg and Dad and Andy and Narcy and Phin
And the others all raising this terrible din
Such noise!
And the Malfoys

Segue to the kitchen, where MOLLY leads her four youngest children in a vigorous clean-up campaign

MOLLY AND WEASLEY CHILDREN
We're changing the style of the Black House.

MOLLY
I'm cleaning it up for a start.

GINNY & RON
We're making it into a Phoenix attack house
To battle the Dark Lord's Dark Arts.

FRED & GEORGE
Evenings of some shady deals with Mundungus
And Snape making snarky reports.

MOLLY
I'll get old Kingsley Shacklebolt
To dine with us and tackle all the
Meatballs made in our food court

RON:
Together?

MOLLY
He'll lend such perfect support.

FRED:
Moody will show photos
Of those who've decomposed

RON:
And Podmore reads memos all day?

GINNY:
?.To the morphing
Nymphodora-
The stylish young Auror-
Just don't say her first name or she'll hex you six ways!

MOLLY AND WEASLEY CHILDREN
We're changing the style of the Black House
Begone to each boggart-ish fear

MOLLY:
Get rid of the Doxies -

RON:
They sting a guy real bad.

GEORGE (aside to FRED):
But save some for toxins -
They prankish appeal have.

GINNY:
And soon we'll see Diggle?

FRED:
And Lupin!

RON & GEORGE:
And dear Dad!

WEASLEY CHILDREN (aside, from MOLLY)
And later, when the coast is clear,
Get out the Extendable Ears!

The WEASLEY CHILDREN dissolve in laughter. Segue back to SIRIUS, HARRY & HERMIONE

HARRY:
Now Father

HERMIONE:
And Old Mother Black.

ALL THREE
Some family branches subtract

SIRIUS:
Weasleys are off-limits, yes, that whole crew

HARRY:
And that includes Arthur -

HERMIONE:
- And Molly who-

SIRIUS:
Had Charlie and Ginny -

HARRY
-And Ronald too-

HERMIONE:
- And then there's the Dog Star -

SIRIUS & HARRY
Dog Star?

SIRIUS:
-Pluto-?

HARRY
Lassie?

HERMIONE:
You know - !

HARRY:
Padfoot!

HERMIONE:
Yes!

ALL THREE
As all the paintings get packed
Our house-elf is having attacks.

HERMIONE:
But Dumble says treat him with great respect

HARRY
His rights and his privileges please protect

SIRIUS:
But it would be more fun to wring his neck -
That worthless old family hack-

ALL THREE
For he will not forfeit
Not one of the portraits
Of Reggie or Old Mother Black
Or Bella or Ell or Aram or Al or Reg or Dad or Andy or Narcy or Phin
Or other Blacks in stacks and stacks and stacks
And stacks and stacks and stacks and stacks -
The Grimmauld Place at Number 12
Is home to one pack-ratting elf.

To the tune of Our Time, from Sondheim's Merrily We Roll Along

THE SCENE: Just outside Godric's Hollow, on the evening of October 31, 1980. Their voices pulsating with youthful idealism, Death Eaters LUCIUS MALFOY, BELLATRIX LESTRANGE & PETER PETTIGREW eagerly anticipate Voldemort's planned massacre of the Potter family.

LUCIUS
Someone who's shifty
Underground
Won't be undone
It'll be nifty
When he's found
Lily and James's son

It's all clear
It's so horrible
We're so horrible
See us here
We're so evil 'cause we're Death Eaters
We're Lucius, Bellatrix and Peter
Let them know now to fear us

It's our crime, mortal sin
Time to kill and kill again
His wrath they will rue
You-Know-Who, man,
You-Know-Who!

PETER:
He knows the secret
That I kept?..

BELLATRIX:
What?

PETER:
Where they dwell!
Shouldn't we three bet
He'll have schlepped
The Potter clan to Hell?

And you and me,
We're betraying them without qualm
With dark magic and icy calm
All three shall be laid low

ALL THREE
Over there in the Hollow?

Our crime, mortal sin
Time to kill and kill again
His wrath they shall rue
You-Know-Who, pal,
You-Know-Who!

BELLATRIX
Soon they're dead
It's so wonderful
He's so wonderful!

ALL THREE
At Hog's Head
All we heard was that odd prediction,
Of some child who'd bring us friction
Now it looks like he can't! ?

LUCIUS
His chances seem scant.

ALL THREE:
It's their heads on the block.
From our acts and aftershocks
Our crime they will rue
You-Know-Who, pal,
You-Know-Who!
You-Know-Who!

The Dark Mark appears in the sky above the Potters' cottage

LUCIUS (spoken) There!

PETER (spoken): There it is!

BELLATRIX (spoken): Say it for me!

LUCIUS: You call it the Dark Mark, you call it Morsmordre - we're standing on the threshold of the future - we've got to be the luckiest villains who ever lived - after this moment - this moment that the three of us are sharing here together - nothing is ever going to be the way it was - ever again. Do you guys realize that from now on we're going to be able to kill anyone - anyone who's ever dared to oppose us? What a time to be starting out! What a time to take a life!

PETER (music)
Someone who's shifty
Underground
Won't be undone
It'll be nifty
When he's found
Lily and James's son

BELLATRIX
It's all clear
It's so horrible

PETER & LUCIUS
We're so horrible

ALL THREE
Now we're here
We're so evil 'cause we're Death Eaters
We're Lucius, Bellatrix and Peter
Let them know now to fear us

It's our crime, mortal sin
Time to kill and kill again
His wrath they will rue
You-Know-Who, man,
You-Know-Who!

Very soon
We'll slay Prewett, and Frank attack
Torture Alice and set up Black
They then will send that man
Straight to Azkaban

It's their heads on the block.
From our acts and aftershocks
Our crimes are due to
You-Know-Who, pal,
You-Know-Who!
You-Know-Who!
You-Know-Who!
You-Know-Who!
You-Know-Who!
You-Know-Who!
You-Know-Who!
You-Know-Who!

To the tune of Putting It Together, from Sondheim's Sunday in the Park With George

THE SCENE: Potions Class. SNAPE is conducting his first class with the new Gryffindor students

SNAPE (spoken) I don't expect you will really understand the beauty of the softly simmering cauldron with its shimmering fumes, the delicate power of liquids that creep through human veins, bewitching the mind, ensnaring the senses...I can teach you how to bottle fame, brew glory, even stopper death -- if you aren't as big a bunch of dunderheads as I usually have to teach.

(music)
Bit by bit, mixing it together
Snip by snip, only way to make a potion work
Every shimmer makes a bit of thunder
Ev'ry simmering fume adds its murk
Waving just a wand here can't work wonders
Amateurs when here can only blunder
Mixing it together, that's what counts

Ounce by ounce, stirring it together
Parts surmount, adding up to make a potent brew
First of all, you'll need this education
I want you working briskly from the start
If you'll overcome your limitations
And your dunderheaded inclinations
And if you have made your resolution
That you'll master alchemy's solutions……
The posh of potion art is mixing it together
Quill by quill

Leech by leech, making the dissection
Bile by bile, chopping every scarab as it comes
Learning how to be a great magician
Cutting up the roots until you're numb
Finding that you're part of a tradition
Which insists on hard work and cognition….

Potions aren't easy!
If your fire won't burn,
If your cauldron won't bubble
Then you've got to act fast,
Or you're in double trouble

If you want to learn to be effective,
Glory, fame and death make your objectives
Then you must prepare your distillation
Carefully as any incantation
You will quickly know through intuition
When you've made the right juxtaposition

Slug by slug, filling up the kettle
Bug by bug, stewing each lacewing 21 days
Here there is no room to be subjective
For there could be real hell to pay.
What if your wolfsbane should prove defective
And if you've not learned of the corrective
You could wind up in a bad condition
In an urgent need of a physician

Potions aren't easy!
I sometimes students poison
(This is no mere anecdote)
And you won't feel coy, son,
If you lack an antidote

If you understand these definitions
Then this topic you can make your own
So if you'll excel in erudition
And you have a stalwart dispositon
Ready to face any apparition
And you're not the least bit apprehensive
Even if you find me quite offen --
Even if you find this quite offensive

SNAPE addresses Harry directly

And thee, boy
Our new celebrity, boy
Can you tell me of wormwood, boy?
Or maybe of monkshood, boy?
Will you be any good, boy?

Snape returns to the class as a whole

Bit by bit
Mixing it together
Egg by egg
Blending an elixir night and day
All it takes is time and perseverance
With a lot of pluck along the way
I will strictly punish incoherence
And I will brook with no interference
So when I express exasperation
I expect redoubled application
Think of every class as an audition
Students can best learn through repetition
Tackle now this matter with ambition
With a high degree of motivation
If you follow all my admonitions
You will minimize my irritation
Though it's my innate predisposition
To desire your humiliation

The panache of potion art
Is mixing it together
Bit by bit -
Drop by drop -
Fang by fang -
Spleen by spleen -

CHORUS OF GRYFFINDOR STUDENTS
And that
Is what Snape takes to heart!

To the opening title song from Sondheim's Into the Woods - beginning with the Baker and Cinderella's duet

THE SCENE: The Quidditch playing field. THE GQT, inspired by Wood's latest pep talk, burst into song as they take the field

GQT:
Win it for Wood,
Focus today,
And Lee will do
The play-by-play.
He says we're good,
So what the hey,
Let's go out to play Quidditch.

Win it for Wood
Our brooms are swift,
We fly them well,
We don't need spells -

ANGELINA
Win it for Wood to get the Cup -

HARRY
Win it for Wood to vanquish Slyth'rin -

GEORGE
Win it for Wood to end his gripes -

FRED
To stop his tantrums -

KATIE
To be rankling Ravenclaw -

GQT:
Win it for Wood
He'll get upset
If Hufflepuff
Pulls an upset.
Win it for Wood
Ignore his fret-
Ting which gets rather corny.

Win it for Wood
He'll get his wish,
He says, "Raise welts,
And win - or else!"

HARRY
We'll win it good to impress Cho -

FRED
We'll win it good to dig at Diggory -

ALICIA
We'll win it good to sneer at Snape -

GEORGE
To annoy Malfoy -

ANGELINA
To delight McGonagall -

KATIE
We'll win it good for Gryffindor House...
We'll win it good for Gryffindor House...

GEORGE & FRED
A Plumpton Pass
Or Porskoff Ploy
Will nail their ass
And bring us joy

KATIE & ANGELINA
A Bludger Backbeat
By the Weasley boys
With Harry as our Seeker
Will make our rivals shriek here

GQT:
Win it for Wood
We can't relax
We must stay grim
Or it's the axe.
Win it for Wood
Our team attacks
Whoever we're opposing!

Win it for Wood
We'll score a goal
When we show them
Our Sloth Grip Roll
Win it we should -

HARRY
To seek the Snitch -

GEORGE
To beat the Bludgers -

ALICIA:
To throw the Quaffle-

GQT:
To blag -
To blatch -
To blurt -
To bumph -
To cobb -
To flack -
To snitchnip and haversack!

Win it for Wood!
Win it for Wood!
Win it for Wood!
And oh, if we could,
Win it before dark!

To the tune of Agony from Sondheim's Into the Woods

To the tune of Ever After from Sondheim's Into the Woods

To the tune of No One is Alone, from Sondheim's Into the Woods

THE SCENE: The Little Hangleton Cemetery. Having untied HARRY from his father's headstone, VOLDEMORT gloats as he prepares HARRY for his ceremonial execution.

VOLDEMORT
Mother cannot guide you
Dumble is remote
Now that I've untied you,
I have got your throat
You are quite alone. Truly
You will die alone

Going into battle
Your position's weak
Son, you lack a paddle
Up that famous creek
Flesh and blood and bone
Have made you so alone

You won by mistake.
Curse scar
Hearse car
Escaped by mistake,
Surely they in school
Taught you how to duel
A bow you must make
Niceties we take--
Just before I feed you to my snake.
Viciousness is vast, Crucios shall hurt.
You will duel tonight, you'll be dead as dirt

I'll dismember….

It's your Appomattox
It's your Waterloo
It's axiomatics:
"None best You-Know-Who"
You are so alone.
And you will die alone

VOLDEMORT is angered that HARRY resists his Imperius Curse

Hard to you make answer
You remain erect.
It's just like a cancer
Kids have no respect.
Time is not on your side-
You will die alone

VOLDEMORT moves in for the kill

A filk by Heidi Tandy to the tune of Unworthy of Your Love from Sondheim's Assassins

BARTY
I am nothing,
You are wind and father and sky,
Voldy
Tell me, Voldy, how I can earn the Dark Mark.
I'd torture Aurors
I would kill Mudbloods,
I would do anything for you.
What do you want me to do?

I am unworthy of your Mark,
Voldy Voldy,
Let me prove worthy of your Mark.
Tell me how I can earn the Dark Mark,
Then brand me.
How else can I do Morsmerde?

PETER
I am nothing,
You are snakes and power and Lord,
Voldy,
Mark my arm, Crucio me
For your fun.
Let me kill the spare,
Or torture Bertha,
Tell me to tear my arm in two,
If that's what you want me to do...

I'm unworthy of the Dark Mark,
Voldy darlin',
I have not fully earned your Mark.
Let me be worthy of your Mark,
Set me free --

BARTY
I would save you from years of strife...

PETER
I would come find you in your cell...

BARTY
You're the dad missing from my life...

PETER
I would crawl like a rat through hell...

BARTY
I'd die for You-Know-Who...

PETER
I'd die for You-Know-Who...

BARTY
Even though --

PETER
Even though --

PETER
I will always know

BARTY

I am unworthy of the Mark Voldy darlin',
Let me be worthy of your Mark.

BARTY & PETER
I'll find a way to earn your Mark,
Wait and see.
Then you'll put the Dark Mark right on me.
Your mark.
On me!