The songs of Cole Porter on Harry Potter Filks
Copyright 2001-2005 by Caius Marcius, except It's Dementors and Suck Up to Voldy Copyright 2001 by Pippin; Who Wants to Be the Slytherin Heir? Copyright 2004 by Ginger; Diggory Regrets Copyright 2004 by Star Opal; C'est Gigantique Copyright 2003 by Haggridd; Brush Up Your Curses and I Hate Snape Copyright 2002 by Mariner; Advance Guard, Be Like the Quaffle and It's Horrendous Copyright 2005 by R.J. Lupin; Brush Up Your Dark Arts Copyright 2003 by Suzanne Chiles; You're the Top Copyright 2002 by Debbie aka elfundeb
A filk by Ginger to the tune of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire by Cole Porter
The song was made famous by Frank Sinatra in the film High Society, but the version I know is by Jones and Company, who had a bit of fun with it. Hope it scans.
THE SCENE: Harry and Ron, polyjuiced into the forms of Crabbe and Goyle, are loitering about the Slytherin common room hoping to get a confession out of Draco. To their surprise, he starts to sing:
DRACO:
Who wants to be the Slytherin heir? I don't.
Strangling roosters everywhere? I don't.
Who needs to murder ev'ry Mudblood ingrate?
Too much on my plate, to bother with hate.
Who wants to slither down the drain? I don't.
Who wants a robe with fecal stain? I don't.
Who wants to loiter in Myrtle's loo? I don't.
And I don't 'cuz I'm important too!
Who wants to be the Slytherin heir? I don't.
Who wants to aim a monster's stare? I don't.
Who wants to organize a major onslaught?
Without getting caught, oh, no, I do not.
Who wants a Chamber under far? I don't.
To be the heir of Salazar? I don't.
Who wants to be this mystery's clue? I don't.
And I don't 'cuz I'm important too!
To the tune of Cole Porter's Get Out of Town, from his musical Leave It To Me
THE SCENE: Transfiguration Class. HARRY hopes against hope that McGONAGALL will allow him to accompany the other third-years to Hogsmeade sans the written consent of his guardians
HARRY: (spoken) Professor, my aunt and uncle -- er -- forgot to sign my form…..So -- er d'you think it would be all right mean, will it be okay if I -- if I go to Hogsmeade?
McGONAGALL: (spoken) I'm afraid not, Potter. You heard what I said…….
(music)
Stay out of town
Because you've no form from home
Stay out of town
Keep in your dorm please
Ask me to sign?
That is a task I'll decline
Although Hogsmeade is Cloud Nine
You've heard my decrees
Don't disappear
Dementors are not a joke
And if they're near, close to you dear
They'll smoke your Cloak
The rules stipulate parental estate
Its Hancock has got to write down
Get on your way to class
Stay out of town
A filk by Pippin, to the tune of It's Delovely, by Cole Porter
THE SCENE: HARRY and HERMIONE rush to help Sirius but are surrounded by hundreds of evil soul-sucking fiends
HARRY
I feel a sudden urge to faint, this icy fog would choke a saint
But control your desire to curse, 'cause angry thoughts just make it worse
This spell I've learned seems to be a bit too difficult to work for me
So to save myself some way, I'll chant, "I'm going to live with him, we'll be okay"
HERMIONE
The moon is full, the skies are clear
And if you feel such a stalkin' fear
It's de-frightful, it's de-vicious, it's Dementors
I understand the reason why
You're petrified, 'cause so am I
They're de-frightful, they're de-vicious, they're Dementors
HARRY
At their horrible glance I now fall helpless into a trance
I can hear cruel Voldemort murdering Mum "No! No! No! No!"
So please be brave, Hermione
Before they kiss us, just say with me
"It's Expecto, it's Patronum," to Dementors.
It's the charm to do some harm to those tormentors
They're de-frightful, they're de-vicious, they're detestable, they're seditious
They're dismaying, they're de-livid, they're decaying, they're Dementors
A filk by Pippin to the tune of Brush Up Your Shakespeare from Cole Porter's Kiss Me Kate
The scene: At the Graveyard, VOLDEMORT chastens his followers
VOLDEMORT:
My friends, as if it were yesterday
At my call you stand here today
United under my Mark again
We are as one and yet I complain
I sense an odour of treachery
A stench as of guilt and disloyalty
You left me to cope with my fate alone
When all that I needed was blood flesh and bone
Do you think I'll cut you slack
When you all forgot your Master?
There's one way now I'm back
That you'll avert a disaster.
Suck up to Voldy
Start grovelling now
Suck up to Voldy
Let me see you scrape and bow
LUCIUS:
My lord your return is miraculous
We all crave to know how you came back to us
VOLDEMORT:
Lucius you were out torturing Muggles
When you should have been aiding my struggles
Your energies do you no credit
When my Dark Mark ascended you fled it.
Suck up to Voldy
You must all kowtow
LUCIUS:
Suck up to Voldy
Start grovelling now
Suck up to Voldy
And your loyalty avow
VOLDEMORT:
For thirteen years I was rejected
You Death Eaters left me neglected
You'll be getting a Curse or a Crucio
If you offer to me an excuse-io
And you, Crabbe and Goyle, must do better
And obey my commands to the letter
Suck up to Voldy
And you might live now
ALL:
Suck up to Voldy
Start grovelling now
Suck up to Voldy
Or we'll be snake chow
VOLDEMORT:
You've enjoyed your life free of the viper
Now it's time to be paying the piper
For claiming you weren't an oppressor
And supporting that twinkly Professor
I consider it perfectly heinous
So it's either bow down or Uranus
Suck up to Voldy
Like you all know how
ALL:
Suck up to Voldy
Start grovelling now
Suck up to Voldy
Or we'll all say "Ow!"
A filk by R.J. Lupin to the tune of Friendship from Anything Goes by Cole Porter
MOODY: (spoken)
Lower that wand, boy! You'll take someone's eye out!
HARRY: (spoken)
Professor Moody?
MOODY: (spoken)
Yeah, but I didn't get around to teaching, now did I?
LUPIN (spoken)
It's all right, Harry. We're going to take you away
HARRY: (spoken)
Professor Lupin?
LUPIN: (spoken)
Yes, that's me
TONKS (spoken)
Turn on the lights and tell him who we are and what we're doing!
The lights go up, and in the dim light, we see the Advance Guard with Moody, Lupin, and Tonks at the front. The group enthusiastically begins to sing, with the rest of the Advance Guard providing elaborate background dancing
MOODY:
Well, the Dursleys have treated this all wrong
TONKS:
So I sent them for a prize for their lawn
LUPIN:
But there is none, so when they come home to grumble
You'll be gone
ADVANCE GUARD:
Advance Guard, the Guard
Helping you long and hard
When other Guards have failed in their job
We won't be the slob!
MOODY, LUPIN, and TONKS
Order of the the Phoenix
Advance Guard
LUPIN:
Bet it's really been a bit of a shock
TONKS:
To have a bunch of wizards here on your block
HARRY nods, and puts his wand in his back jeans pocket
MOODY: (to Harry)
If you ever put your wand there again then
Gone's your buttock!
HARRY quickly removes his wand from the pocket
ADVANCE GUARD:
Advance Guard, the Guard
Helping you long and hard
When other Guards have showed they don't care
We will still be there!
MOODY, LUPIN, and TONKS:
Order of the Phoenix
Advance Guard
MOODY:
Now you better not ask anything here
LUPIN:
We will tell you it all when the coast's clear
TONKS:
'Cause you never know who's trying to spy or
Ta-ake in a peer
ADVANCE GUARD:
Advance Guard, the Guard
Helping you long and hard
While other guards may not be discreet
Our secret's kept neat!
MOODY, LUPIN, and TONKS:
Order of the Phoenix
Advance Guard
LUPIN:
We'll be on brooms and I know you fly swell
TONKS:
So let's go pack now Harry-
TONKS trips as she walks upstairs with HARRY
Darn, I fell
MOODY:
Damn, my eyeball's gotten stuck in one spot as well
What the hell?
ADVANCE GUARD:
Advance Guard, the Guard
Helping you long and hard
When other Guards let things get them down
We'll still be around
HARRY and TONKS return a few minutes later with all of his belongings
TONKS:
Wow, I really like your broom, don't you know?
MOODY:
When I Disillusion you, you won't show
LUPIN:
I left a letter to your aunt and uncle, now
It's time to go
ADVANCE GUARD:
Advance Guard, the Guard
Helping you long and hard
When other Guards would just take a rest
We will be the best
MOODY, LUPIN, and TONKS:
Order of the Phoenix-
The three all say different words simultaneously
MOODY:
Vigilance
LUPIN:
Aa-aroo
TONKS:
Wotcher, yeah
The three stare at each other in confusement, and then argue at each other very quickly, talking over the ends of each other's sentences
TONKS (spoken)
"Aa-aroo"? You said you don't even like howling!
LUPIN: (spoken)
Well...
MOODY: (spoken)
We're not saying "wotcher". "Vigilance" is more important.
LUPIN: (spoken)
You become too crazed with the "vigilance" thing.
MOODY: (spoken)
I don't!
TONKS: (spoken)
Well, what do you propose?
LUPIN: (spoken)
Just howl. I'm not saying that.
MOODY: (spoken)
Think of something else!
TONKS: (spoken)
I'm right, just do what I do!
LUPIN: (spoken
Hurry up, we're supposed to sing again!
Quickly, they join the rest of the Advance Guard in singing
ADVANCE GUARD:
When other guards would just take a rest
We'll still be the best!
Stubborn in their ways, MOODY, LUPIN, and TONKS finish the last three syllables of the song at the same time with their own words
MOODY:
Vigilance!
LUPIN:
Aa-aroo!
TONKS:
Wotcher, yeah!
Exit HARRY dejectedly. McGONAGALL, with an "odd expression" (is it pity?) on her face, watches him leave
A filk by R.J. Lupin to the tune of It's De-Lovely from Cole Porter's Anything Goes
Sirius decides to take Harry on a tour of the House of Black. Sirius can't help but express his lack of excitement for it
SIRIUS:
The house is black, it's just no fun
And if I were you, I'd turn and run
It's appalling, it's atrocious, it's horrendous
It's okay if you don't know why
You'd want to stay here, 'cause nor do I
It's appalling, it's atrocious, it's horrendous
Yet it's the perfect place
For the Order to meet face to face
'Cause I doubt anyone would come here otherwise
What a surprise
There's no way I could ever love
This house 'cause all it reminds me of
It's appalling, it's atrocious
It's so outrageous, it's incongruous
It's demented, it's so bizarre, it's grotesque
It's horrendous!
Sirius and Harry have now reached the part of Grimmauld Place around the portrait of Mrs. Black. Remus comes down the hallway and tells them to be quiet
REMUS:
Padfoot, don't be so loud around
Right here you know you shouldn't make a sound
SIRIUS:(loudly)
Hey Moony, will you shut your trap?!
I'm showing Harry this crap!!!
Sirius is too loud, and this causes Mrs. Black to start screaming
REMUS: (sarcastically)
Padfoot, you stay quiet so well
You got your mother to come shriek and yell
SIRIUS:
Moony, go bite yourself
I'll make her shut up but give me some help
MRS. BLACK:
Damn mudbloods and halfbreeds!!!
Scum and bloodtraiting brat!!!
All of you better leave!!!
Sirius and Remus close the curtain. Sirius gestures at the portrait to Harry
SIRIUS:
My mother's here, she yells and screams
She's stuck forever, and that's so mean
It's appalling, it's atrocious, it's horrendous
We'll have to decontaminate
This house I hate, it's in a bad state
It's appalling, it's atrocious, it's horrendous
You can tell with one peer
It's awful to be stuck living here
You can hear my dreadful mother shrieking all day-
MRS. BLACK: (comes out from behind the curtain again)
Filth, scum away!
Sirius closes the curtain again, then leads Harry through the rest of the house. When the tour is over, they are back near Mrs. Black's portrait, and Harry realizes that he doesn't like the house much either
HARRY: (getting steadily louder)
I certainly do see your point
The reason why you despise this join
It's appalling, it's atrocious, it's-
Sirius quickly covers Harry's mouth before Harry gets too loud and causes Mrs. Black to start screaming again. Harry sings again in a whisper
HARRY:
--It's horrendous
A filk by R.J. Lupin to the tune of Be Like the Bluebird from Cole Porter's Anything Goes
ANGELINA: (spoken)
You know what your problem is, Ron?
RON: (spoken)
Problem?! Who said I had a problem?!
ANGELINA: (spoken)
You did. Anyway, the rest of the team agrees. You have to have
some confidence. You have to believe in yourself.
FRED: (spoken)
You have to listen to that song Oliver used to sing. D'you
remember it, George?
GEORGE: (spoken)
Of course I do. With the way he sung it over and over, how
would you forget?
FRED and GEORGE:
There's an old song that Oliver
Would sing as he would fly
He said it helped him so much that it was zen
And our dear Keeper, Oliver
Sung it so much our nerves would die
So just shut it while we must hear it again
When you see the Chaser zooming toward you
And you have no clue just what you should do
Then be like the Quaffle, then think, 'Quaffle'
Don't let it make a goal
When you think the opponent may top it
Then you idiot, you better stop it
So be like the Quaffle, then think, 'Quaffle'
Don't let it make a goal
Be like the Quaffle and think where it goes
Or you will not block it, you could be hit on the nose
If you want to star as a Quidditch player
Then be great, or on those bets, you'll end up the payer!
Just block on and on, and keep it in your soul
'Quaffle'
Don't let it make a goal
RON: (spoken)
Wow. And Oliver really sung that?
GEORGE: (spoken)
Well... no... we kind of made it up...
Fred and George exchange glances as Ron stares at them
FRED: (spoken)
Uh... bye, Ron! Be like the Quaffle!
Fred and George quickly run off, snickering
A filk by Suzanne Chiles to the tune of Cole Porter's Brush Up Your Shakespeare from Kiss Me Kate
DA STUDENTS:
Since You-Know-Who-o came back last year
We know that there is a lot to fear
But fear won't help when the bad guys come
We've got to be ready for the scum
Our training so far has been spotty
Our professors have been rather dotty
And this Umbridge is just the awfulest
We know we won't pass the our OWLS test.
So we haven't got much knowledge
To know how to kick their bum
And we need you, Harry, to tell us
So we don't have to succumb.
HARRY AND HERMIONE:
Brush up your Dark Arts
Defend against them right now
Brush up your Dark Arts
Because you must learn the know how
HARRY:
Just throw out a quick Expelliarmus
And know that Lord Voldy is gonius.
If a Death Eater tries to AK you
A banishing charm is overdue.
And if they attack you with Crucio
You can conquer them with an Incendio.
Brush up your Dark Arts
And they'll all kowtow.
DA STUDENTS:
Brush up your Dark Arts
Defend against them right now
Brush up your Dark Arts
You must learn the know how
HERMIONE:
And if Bellatrix taunts you with baby talk
A Jelly Legs Jinx won't let her walk.
When a Malfoy will try to torture you
A well-placed hex will bid him quick adieu.
If old Umbridge sends you some dementors
Your Patronus will kick them like centaurs.
ALL:
Brush up your Dark Arts
And they'll all kowtow. (Confundus)
And they'll all kowtow. (Alohamora)
And they'll all kowtow. (Obliviate)
And they'll all kowtow.
To the tune of Cole Porter's Friendship (from the musical Du Barry Was a Lady)
THE SCENE: Dumbledore's office. DUMBLEDORE and HARRY break into song as they prepare to explore the Tom Riddle's past.
DUMBLEDORE: If you like to reminisce, just use this
HARRY: If you need to view the past, grab it fast
DUMBLEDORE: If you ever gotta sift through the sands of time
Let's rewind
BOTH: The Pensieve, Pensieve
It's so comprehensive
Ya use what others might recollect
So you can inspect
Lah-dle-ah-dle-ah-dle, burke, burke, burke.
DUMBLEDORE: If you wanna see Ms. Cole, simply stroll
HARRY: If you would meet Hokey Elf, help yourself
DUMBLEDORE: If you ever need to visit the house of Gaunt
Take a jaunt
BOTH: With Pensieve, Pensieve
It is quite intensive
We'll ascertain how that Riddle kid
Flipped his little lid
Lah-dle-ah-dle-ah-dle, snake, snake, snake.
DUMBLEDORE: If you would learn of Horcrux, you're in lucks
HARRY: To watch Riddle's new career, lookee here
DUMBLEDORE: If you wanna see how Voldemort's soul survived
It's archived
BOTH: In Pensieve, Pensieve
Don't be apprehensive
Ya give ol' Slughorn some booze excess
And he will confess
Lah-dle-ah-dle-ah-dle, slurp, slurp, slurp.
To the tune of Don't Fence Me In from Cole Porter's 1935 musical Adios Argentina
THE SCENE: Office of the Headmaster. DUMBLEDORE dictates an ad for the classified section of the Daily Prophet.
DUMBLEDORE
Oh, there's a job, vacant job, that at Hogwarts I must fill
Defense Again
It must be somebody who'll refuse to students kill
Defense Again
Someone who M.O.M won't have to indict
A modest kind of soul who avoids limelight
Someone once a month who does not people bite
Defense again
Pixies don't loose, with no turban or disturbin'
Underground activities.
In ev'ry class, you will impart on the Dark Arts
Without rank proclivities
Through the offices of Snape you won't be prowlin'
You'll see the full moon but you won't start howlin'
At the Secret Chambers, you won't throw the towel in
Defense again
Someone who knows Grindylows without using windy prose
Defense again
Someone who'll teach 'em duels without lookin' like a fool
Defense again
You'll only write about what you have done in person
You will not target students with forbidden cursin'
In blood of unicorns you won't be immersin'
Defense again
No Polyjuice, no Avada by our DADA
Underneath some slick disguise
You won't use dwarves, no more singin' they'll be bringin',
That's a thing we all despise.
You will not bounce our students into ferret-y shapes
When a year's gone by, you will not need to escape
If only I could give the job to Severus Snape
I'd cry, "Amen!"
Exit Dumbledore's owl toward The Prophet's office
To the tune of My Heart Belongs to Daddy from Cole Porter's musical Leave it to Me
THE SCENE: The Defense Against Dark Arts (DADA) classroom. Enter QUIRRELL, LOCKHART, LUPIN and MOODY/CROUCH
ALL
Good wizards fall
If in the thrall
Of those who call
On dark forces
So it is taught
How they are fought
When you are brought
To our courses
But just as Frodo faced Gollum,
We four comprise a fifth column...
Defense we teach, but sometimes reach
For practices quite diabolic
MOODY & QUIRRELL
Cause we're so bad,
LUPIN
..........................or made moonbeam mad
LOCKHART
Or just anti-workaholic
MOODY
We teach effects of hateful hex
LOCKHART
Or how best to recapture pixies
LUPIN
Of boggart lore I have tons galore
QUIRRELL
But we play such fiendish tricks, see
ALL (except LUPIN)
Yes, Dark Arts are fought by DADA
But some of us keep going bad
We three have all tried to harm Potta
Rat-tat-tat tat-tat-tat tat-tat-tat
LUPIN
From Moody whose eye was mad-da
To Quirrell who kept Voldy at rear
All of Hogwarts ought to be glad-da
That those guys just lasted one year
ALL
Yes, Dark Arts are fought by DADA
But DADA doesn't always mean well
Next year, DADA will be a lady
With some shady secret to tell
LUPIN
You'll seek it,
She'll tweak it
She won't dare to speak it
The secret your DADA will tell……
Exit all
To the tune of Cole Porter's Just One of Those Things from the 1935 musical Jubilee
THE SCENE: HAGRID's hut. HAGRID is relaxing contentedly as his door is burst open by the TRIO, in a state of great agitation.
HARRY: Hagrid, you're back! Thank goodness you're OK!
RON: They said that some horrible beast seized you last night and dragged you off deep into the Forbidden Forest!
HERMIONE: Hagrid, what was it?
HAGRID (music)
It was just one of those Things
Just one with those bat-like wings
One of those creatures so interesting
Just one of those Things
It was just one of those frights
Just one of those hideous blights
Something straight out of The Lord of the Rings
Just one of those Things
And it threw a fit when it scratched and bit
As we wrestled over the ground
I was close to death for its raging breath
Was too hot, wouldn't cool down
It was gruesome and a threat
I'm hoping it'll be a great pet
It is such fun
'Cause it is just one of those Things
Enter The Thing, which bounds over to HAGRID, and nuzzles him affectionately. Exit the TRIO, screaming in horror
A filk by < a href="http://www.harrypotterfilks.com/kusalavage.htm">Haggridd
to the tune of C'est Magnifique from Cole Porter's Can-CanSCENE: MADAME MAXIME sings a paean to her new beau from Hogwarts.
MADAME MAXIME:
When he walks by
He looks me in the eye.
Oo la la la
C'est Gi-gan-ti-que.
With grace and force
He tames my winged horses.
Oo la la
C'est Gi-gan-ti-que.
I do not ask;
He shows me the First Task.
Oo la la la
It is such ma-gi-que.
And best of all,
He whispers,
"HEY, OLYMPE, SHAKE A LEG! WE'RE GONNA BE LATE FOR THE BALL!"
C'est Gi-gan-ti-que.
A filk by Mariner to the tune of I Hate Men from Kiss Me, Kate by Cole Porter
SCENE: After an especially trying Potions class, our intrepid Trio take some time to rant.
RON:
I hate Snape.
He gets me totally bent out of shape.
He's nasty and he's biased and he's always docking points.
I'd like to punch his ugly nose and put it out of joint.
Expect no kindness from him, 'cos he's sure to disappoint.
Oh, I hate Snape!
Of all the teachers in this school -- a fine, diverse collection --
I hate most the Potions Master with his bad complexion.
When he approaches, I take off in the opposite direction.
'Cos I hate Snape!
HARRY:
I hate Snape.
He almost foiled Sirus' escape.
He used to work for Voldemort, a fully-pledged Death Eater.
And he might be reformed now, but he sure ain't any sweeter.
He's even more annoying than Malfoy and Rita Skeeter.
Yes, I hate Snape!
If you find yourself in Potions class, you'd better pay attention,
Unless you are a Slytherin, you'll wind up in detention,
Performing tasks too gruesome and embarrasing to mention.
Oh, I hate Snape!
HERMIONE:
I hate Snape,
Like I hate the stuff that off my shoe I scrape.
I do not find his swooping manner graceful or romantic,
I do not like the way he makes poor Neville scared and frantic
And I don't appreciate how he insults my orthodontics.
Oh, I hate Snape!
I know that he's a teacher, and I really should respect him.
I know he's guarded Harry and attempted to protect him.
But every time he speaks, I feel this great urge to dissect him.
Yes, I hate Snape!
To the tune of It's De-Lovely from Cole Porter's 1936 musical Red, Hot & Blue
THE SCENE: Gryffindor Common Room. Pro- and anti-Trelawney factions have their say about Hogwarts' notorious Divination Professor
Enter LAVENDER BROWN AND PARVATI PATIL; Enter, from the opposite direction, HARRY and RON
LAVENDER: The stairs are long and the ladder steep
But the metaphysics are awfully deep
BOTH: It's transcendent, it's tremendous, it's Trelawney
PARVATI: She teaches us how to read tea leaves
To learn what the future has up its sleeves
BOTH: It's transcendent, it's tremendous, it's Trelawney
LAVENDER: When we enter her room, we are elated by her brand of perfume
And the rhythms of the grand celestial dance
Put us in a trance!
PARVATI: When you gaze into her crystal ball the Inner Eye will reveal all
BOTH: It's transcendent, it's tremendous,
It's transfixing, it's translucent,
It's a treasure, it's tranquil'ty
It's terrific, it's Trelawney!
RON: If into the future we would see
We must better learn to hold our tea
BOTH: It's trumpery, it's trifling, it's Trelawney
HARRY (laughing): That class never fails to entertain us
Now please, Ron, no jokes about Uranus
BOTH: It's trivial, it's a trinket, it's Trelawney
RON: (pretending to gaze into a crystal ball)
As the future unfogs, I see a midget pursued by a gigantic dog
He was born 'neath the baleful planet of Saturn
Hence this pattern….
HARRY: In Divination to earn an "A"
I predict my death three times each day
BOTH: She's pretentious, she's prepost'rous,
She's too precious, she's a problem,
She's provincial, she's a prune
She's the Predictions Professor!
Exit all, except HARRY, who alone ponders the matter further
With all her bangles and beads so odd
She seems no more than a blatant fraud
Is it trickery? Is it transient? Is it Trelawney?
She conjures portents from the vasty deep
In a room so warm that I fall asleep
Is it trendy? Is it triteness? Is it Trelawney?
Yet I recall a day when a weird voice through her had its say
Which informed us how Peter, that Wormtail git
Would hightail it
And though she often seems absurd
It all came true, her every word
Of his treachery, of his travesty,
Of his treason as it triggered
His transgressions towards the triumph
Of our tormentor, 'told Trelawney!
A filk by Star Opal to the tune of to the tune of Miss Otis Regrets by Cole Porter from the 1933 revue Hi Diddle Diddle
Diggory regrets he's unable to lunch today, Miss Chang
Diggory regrets he's unable to lunch today
He is sorry to be delayed
But at the Tournament there was some foul play
Miss Chang, Diggory regrets he's unable to lunch today
Well, him and Potter found that together they had won, Miss Chang
They took the cup and were quickly whisked far away
And not long after touching ground
Was drawn a wand, a curse broke through the still town
Miss Chang, Diggory regrets he's unable to lunch today
When the flash green of light hit him he went very pale, Miss Chang
And his shadow had only these few words to say
"Take my body back, you must try."
A final request Potter could not deny
Miss Chang, Diggory regrets he's unable to lunch today
Diggory regrets he's unable to lunch today
To the tune of Brush Up Your Shakespeare, from Cole Porter's Kiss Me, Kate
Note: Most of the Latin in this song should require no translation for the HP reader. Lingua mortuis is "dead language," Allegro Con Brio (which is actually Italian) means "Fast with vigor" (an indication of musical tempo). Carpe Diem is "Seize the Day"
THE SCENE: Gryffindor Commom Area. Enter HERMIONE
HERMIONE
Jo in her Potter-versity
Wanted some lingual diversity
She said, "You can show folks how smart you is,
Speaking a lingua mortuis."
She ruled out Sanskrit and Ancient Greek
And Babylonian sounds so weak.
When we cast our magic and spells and such
We don't use Latvian, Welsh or Dutch.
"When wizards teach the young
I don't want 'em talkin' Hobbit.
So I'll learn you the tongue
Once used by Virgil and Ovid."
Brush up your Latin
Start chanting it clear
Your grade point'll fatten
And you'll whiz through seven years
Your report card won't give you a tantrum
If you know Priori Incantatem
If you're studyin' like you're supposed ta
You'll say Wingardium Leviosa
Your teacher will exclaim "Correct-o!"
When Patronum comes after Expecto
Brush up your Latin
'Cause our NEWTs draw near
Brush up your Latin
Inflect every verb
You'll take Manhattan
Your reviews will be superb
Once you learn how to utter Accio
You will do it Allegro con brio
You will dance like a Whirling Dervious
When you know what is meant by Impervius.
If you need a terrifical quote for us
Just cite the Petrificus Totalus
Brush up your Latin
To the wise this word.
Brush up your Latin
Declaim it precise
You'll sleep in satin
If you take this good advice
Make a pledge that you'll Carpe the Diem
Memorize Lumos and Aparecium
They won't treat you with condescend-ium
When they see you calling out, "Dissendium".
Once you see Titillandus means "tickle us"
You will laugh at our motto Riddikulus.
Brush up your Latin
You will sound concise
To the tune of Cole Porter's Anything Goes
THE SCENE: Gryffindor Common Area. Enter the TRIO
TRIO
The golden boy of Malfoy Manor
Had better take down his banner
For we'll oppose
When it's Draco's.
The Prince of Darkness (like Bob Novak)
Is soon gonna face some blowback
From his foes
Him we'll depose!
At his mere sight, we troth,
We are waxing wroth
Every sin but sloth
We grant to that Goth
Garbed in sheer black cloth
Someone get a moth
That likes to nibble clothes
Draco is finding that his niche
Is the dark side of Richie Rich.
Let's juxtapose
Their portfolios.
A filk by Debbie aka elfundeb to the tune of You're the Top by Cole Porter, from the musical Anything Goes.
It takes place during The Unexpected Task chapter from GoF. It is not properly sung out loud, but may be heard faintly by listening to Ron's deepest subconscious.
RON:
Mere thoughts romantic leave me so frantic
That always I find it best
Instead of getting them off my chest
To let them rest unaddressed.
Were I admittin' that I'm so smitten
Well, then I could tell you how great you are . . .
You're the top
You're a day in Hogsmeade
You're the top
You're a Fizzing Whizbee
You're a tangerine flavored bean from Bertie Botts
You're a sugar quill
You're my brother Bill
You're wizard's chess!
You're the top
You're the Chudley Cannons
You're a vault full of golden galleons
I'm a worthless cheque, a total wreck, a flop
But if, Hermione, I'm the bottom, you're the top!
You're the top
You're a bouncing ferret
You're the great pyramids of Egypt
You're a shimmery silver Invisibility Cloak
You're a Weasley jumper,
You're a Cockroach Cluster,
You're Zonko's jokes!
You're a lark
You're my owl Pigwidgeon
You're a mark of three hundred seven
I'm a house of cards that's fated soon to drop,
But if, Hermione, I'm the bottom, you're the top!
You're the top
You're the best of Aurors
You're a pair of Omnioculars
You're the nimble zoom of the broom of Viktor Krum,
You're an eclair platter
You're a flying Anglia
You're Drooble's gum!
You're romance
You're a Sneakoscope
You're a dance, dressed in brand new dress robes,
I'm a lazy lout who's just about to stop,
But if, Hermione, I'm the bottom, you're the top!
A filk by Mariner to the tune of Brush Up Your Shakespeare from Cole Porter's Kiss Me Kate
THE SCENE: A remote hillside, during the early days of Voldemort's first rise to power. Concerned that his Death Eaters are not wreaking enough havoc, the Dark Lord delivers a lecture on proper terror techniques.
VOLDEMORT:
The good guys in our society
Are starting to lack timidity.
To impress them, it's not enough (you'll find)
To cast a Stun or Full Body-Bind.
You'll find that things go from bad to worse
If you merely manage a Leg-Locker curse.
They'll continue to harry and hound and harm us
If you hit them with Expelliarmus.
So the spells which you must learn,
Which allow for no repentance,
Are the spells with which you earn
An Azkaban life sentence!
refrain
Brush up your curses,
Start casting them quick.
Brush up your curses,
Figure out what makes them tick.
If some Aurors are coming to swat us,
Give 'em hell with a swell Cruciatus.
Whenever your situation gets serious,
Save yourself with a touch of Imperius.
Turn your enemies cold and cadav'rous
With a well-cast Avada Kedavra.
Brush up your curses,
They will do the trick!
Brush up your curses,
Start casting them quick.
Brush up your curses,
Figure out what makes them tick.
You'll be swell, yes, you'll be fine and dandy
If you've got Unforgivables handy.
Learn the right bits of doggerel in Latin
And your enemies soon you'll be swattin'.
There is nothing more thoroughly frightenin'
Than that two words and a flash of green lightnin'.
Brush up your curses,
They will do the trick!
Brush up your curses,
Start casting them quick.
Brush up your curses,
Figure out what makes them tick.
I must warn you, my temper it vexes
When my underlings cast puny hexes.
Our reputation will go out the window
If the best we can cast is Diffindo.
And I tell you, I don't want to see ya
Fool around with the Serpensortia.
Brush up your curses,
They will do the trick!
Brush up your curses,
Start casting them quick.
Brush up your curses,
Figure out what makes them tick.
Just Imperio the enemy factions
And they'll soon learn to follow instructions.
If to answer your questions they're failin',
Crucio them until they start wailin'.
If some good guys have ruined your fun day,
Just AK them six ways from next Sunday.
Brush up your curses,
They will do the trick!
Brush up your curses,
Start casting them quick.
Brush up your curses,
Figure out what makes them tick.
Now go out there and visit some horrors
On some Muggles and Mudbloods and Aurors.
Brush up your curses,
They will do the trick!
To the tune of It's Bad for Me, from Cole Porter's 1933 musical Nymph Errant
THE SCENE: Late night at a favorite Dark Wizard watering hole, we discover VOLDEMORT and WORMTAIL, both having had a few drinks too many…
WORMTAIL
You're bad for me
So bad for me
I grovel at your every command to me
You got me to cut off my hand from me
You're so bad for me
VOLDEMORT
I'm so good for you, so cool for you
I helped bring about a renewal for you
I got you to finally leave ol' Hogwarts School
I'm so good for you
WORMTAIL
I'm good for you
You were more dead than alive
Dwelling with the rodents and snakes
I found you and bought you back home
In just a couple of rat tail shakes
VOLDEMORT
You're so bad for me, it's bad for me
Harry could've killed you, yet he showed mercy
BOTH
It's really regretted I'm/you're so deeply indebted
To a kid who's no good for me
VOLDEMORT
Years ago, we both pooled our forces
To make sure that James was undone
WORMTAIL
But since, we've nothing but trouble
From his miserable runty son
BOTH
Are you good for me?
Or bad for me?
The answer should be patent yet it's hard to see
It's awfully confusing
Am I winning or losing?
Are you good or are you bad for me?