Dolores Umbridge

** = post-HBP
*** = post-DH

Dolores Umbridge Copyright 2003 by Mariner; Professor Umbridge Copyright 2003 by Gail; Every Little Thing She Does Is Tragic Copyright 2003 by GiNnY; Delores Copyright 2003 by Wendy; Hogwarts High Inquisitor Copyright 2003 by Pippin; You've a Toad-Face, Ms. Umbridge Copyright 2003 by Sparrowhawk; You're Dolores Jane Copyright 2003 by Phyllis; Poisoned Honey Copyright 2003 by Caius Marcius; Fudge and Umbridge Copyright 2003 by Magic Poni; Kiss Off the Potter Boy Copyright 2003 by Salazar; Umbridgeana Copyright 2003 by loony; Umbridge the Devil Copyright 2003 by fuzzlebub85; Umbridge Got Run Over by a Centaur Copyright 2003 by Crookykanks; The Real Dolores Umbridge Copyright 2004 by Indigo Ziona; Fat Umbridge, Hem! Hem! and She's A Bad DADA Teacher Copyright 2004 by Jason LeBouef; The Bitch of Hogwarts and Professor Umbridge Copyright 2004, 2007 by RJ Lupin; What Should We Do With Dolores Umbridge? Copyright 2006 by Randy Estes

A filk by Mariner to the tune of Cruella DeVille from 101 Dalamatians

Okay, I know the name is almost certainly pronounced UM-bridge, but for the purpose of scansion here, it must be sung as um-BRIDGE.

Dolores Umbridge, Dolores Umbridge
Deserves to be chopped up
And stuffed in a fridge,
Or maybe tossed from the East River bridge,
Dolores, Dolores Umbridge.

That fake little cough,
Those legal decrees
Make me want to give
Her throat a good squeeze,
Did I mention that I hate her just a smidge?
Dolores, Dolores Umbridge!

At first you think Dolores is a nuisance,
An unctuous, sadistic little fool.
But the next thing you know, she's running the whole show
As Headmistress of Hogwarts Wizard School!

That poisonous toad,
That vile little shrew,
If I was a witch, do you know what I'd do?
I would transfigure her into a midge
And squash Dolores, Dolores Umbridge!

A filk by Pippin to the tune of Gilbert and Sullivan's Major General Song from The Pirates of Penzance.

UMBRIDGE
I am the very model of a Hogwarts High Inquisitor
I sit in back of every class as if I was a visitor
There'll be no deviation while I serve as an inhibitor
From subjects in the syllabus which you will all be quizzing for
Although I do not soil my hands with matters strictly practical
I am the prefect parody of educratic folderal
As I bring Hogwarts to its knees with educational decrees
From twenty-two to twenty-eight in Ministry bureaucrat-ese

ALL:
From twenty-two to twenty-eight in Ministry bureaucrat-ese (3x)

HERMIONE
She looks all loveydovey with her velvet bow and cardigan
And yet she has a magic quill that carves out letters in your hand
Oh Harry go tell Dumbledore, the woman's a sadistic --boar
We cannot let her go on being Hogwarts High Inquisitor

HARRY
Your good advice I will ignore for I've defeated Voldemort
And surely I'm an equal for the Hogwarts High Inquisitor

UMBRIDGE
I have a thing for halfbreeds which is positively Freudian
I passed a law so Remus Lupin cannot be employed again
I sent Trelawney packing with my breathless phony hacking 'hem'
And my reforms are sticking cos The Daily Prophet's backing them
And now that I have evidence against that old fool Dumbledore
I've proved he's raised an army and we're going to shove him out the door
I'll use Veritaserum, I can prove that Potter's telling lies
And naughty Marietta tells that they've been meeting in disguise

THE DA
And naughty Marietta squeals that we've been meeting in disguse (3x)

UMBRIDGE
I'll squelch this nasty rumour saying You-Know-Who is back again
And I'll be the new Hogwarts Head before you can say "Slytherin"
And I will have accomplished everything that is requisite for
Fulfilling my assignment as the Hogwarts High Inquisitor

ALL
And she will have accomplished everything that is requisite for
Fulfilling her assignment as the Hogwarts High Inquisitor

UMBRIDGE
If Harry Potter doesn't talk I'm going to use a Crucio!
Unless the little bugger tells me whom he was floo-speaking to
It's time he was discredited, I do not need a dementor
I'll make him talk because I am the Hogwarts High Inquisitor

HERMIONE
No! Come in to the forest where a weapon's hidden carefully
And do not take your squad unless you trust them all implicitly
(And if you are not capable of fighting off a mad centaur
I think we'll finally get rid of the Hogwarts High Inquistor)

THE DA
I think we'll finally get rid of the Hogwarts High Inquisitor (3x)

UMBRIDGE
What I have learned from Slinkhard's book is highly theoretical
It's only useful when I'm fighting monsters hypothetical
The centaurs have surrounded me, my terror is exquisite for
They don't seem to respect me as a Hogwarts High Inquisitor

THE DA
The centaurs have surrounded her, her terror is exquisite for
They do not give a clop about the Hogwarts High Inquisitor

A filk by Sparrowhawk to the tune of You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch

The Scene: The Gryffindor dormitory. Harry is drifting off to sleep, thinking back pleasantly on ignominious retreat of the Hogwarts High Inquisitor...

Wavy lines indicating dream sequence transition

Enter DUMBLEDORE, gazing into a swirling Pensieve and shaking his head…

DUMBLEDORE
You've a toad-face, Ms. Umbridge.
I thought you ought to know.
Your neck is nonexistent
And I hate that big black bow,
Ms. Umbridge.

You're about as clever
As a drunken grindylow.

You're abhorrent, Ms. Umbridge
Like a nasty sewer clog.
There's really nothing slimier
Than a pompous pedagogue,
Ms. Umbridge.

I wouldn't touch you with a
Whomping Willow log.

You're pathetic, Ms. Umbridge.
You're a simpering, feeble sham.
I've heard better ersatz coughing
At a hernia exam,
Ms. Umbridge.

Given the choice between the two of you
I'd take the--HEM HEM--hernia exam.

You're a foul one, Ms. Umbridge
With your exsanguinating quill.
How dare you torture Harry
Into sleepless deshabille,
Ms. Umbridge.

The three words that best describe you are, and I
quote: "Plump" "Pink" "Punk"

You are troll-kin, Ms. Umbridge,
High Inquisitor or not.
Fudge must be in Malfoy's pocket
To have given you that spot,
Ms. Umbridge

Your soul is a Chamber of Secrets housing a flatulent, feculent
flobberworm best left undisturbed for all eternity and
Sealed with Devil's Snare knots!

You're a cretin, Ms. Umbridge.
Minerva told you off.
Even Flitwick had you floundering,
Even Hagrid had to scoff,
Ms. Umbridge.

You're a three-decker moldy head cheese and stoat sandwich
With Stinksap sauce.

A filk by Phyllis to the tune of You're Sixteen by Ringo Starr

You come on really funny, like poison and honey
Lips with a cough like a whine
You're Dolores Jane, you're hideous, and I wish you weren't mine

You're all fluffy cardigans and Alice bands, ooh, we're not your fans
Toad-like eyes that bulge so fine
You're Dolores Jane, you're hideous, and I wish you weren't mine

You're my enemy, you're the one I've been fearing
We've hated each other since the day of my hearing
You touched my hand, my scar went pop
Ooh, when we argued I could not stop

You walked out of my nightmares and into my school
Now you're the devil divine
You're Dolores Jane, you're hideous, and I wish you weren't mine

You're my enemy, you're the one I've been fearing
We've hated each other since the day of my hearing
You touched my hand, my scar went pop
Ooh, when we argued I could not stop

You walked out of my nightmares and into the forest
Now you're the centaurs' new sign
You're Dolores Jane, you're hideous, and I wish you weren't mine
You're Dolores Jane, so hideous, and I wish you weren't mine
You're Dolores Jane, you're hideous, and I wish you weren't mine
All not mine, all not mine, all not mine
All not mine, all not mine, all not mine

A filk by Gail to the tune of Life In The Fast Lane by the Eagles

HARRY:
She was a squat-statured witch with a face like a big toad
Yeah, she was hideously ugly
Right from the start there was something that I loathed
By the way she'd smirk oh, so smugly
Umbridge arrived at Hogwarts School as a Ministry witch
We learned she was nasty, learned she was a bitch
When she made her announcement
Things were gonna change
She said, "Innovation!
Old ways will be re-trained"

Professor Umbridge
Surely had a twisted mind br> Professor Umbridge
Yeah

(spoken)Are you with me so far?

Things started changing as she would patrol
Seemed she was arranging for lots more control
She observed all the teachers
She ordered stricter rules
She was despised by students
Her detentions were cruel
There were lines on the parchment, lines on my hand
The smile on her face meant she thought she was in command
By the end of detention my hand was in pain
Wouldn't show her any weakness from her inhumane punishment now

Professor Umbridge
Surely had a twisted mind
Professor Umbridge
Yeah
Professor Umbridge
She was mean all the time
Professor Umbridge
Oh Yeah

Became paranoid, blinded by power
When Dumbledore left Hogwarts
Things got worse by the hour
Only Flitch, Draco and his friends dug Umbridge's style
The way she'd taken over would have made Joe Stalin smile
She said, "I'm Headmaster, listen to what I say!"
But Minerva to Peeves said, "It unscrews the other way"
When she went deep into the forest
On the back of a centaur borne
We didn't care, we were just happy she was gone and she was

Professor Umbridge
In the end she lost her mind
Professor Umbridge
Yeah
Professor Umbridge
Deserved worse for her crimes
Professor Umbridge
Oh yeah

Professor Umbridge
Professor Umbridge

A filk by GiNnY to the tune of Every Little Thing She Does by The Police

Setting: HARRY sings about that Umbridge woman. For all those who have ever wanted to cast Crucio on her.

HARRY:
Here I am to tell the story
Of that Umbridge woman who came to Hogwarts.
She was big and looked like a toad.
And most everyone hated her from the start.

Every little thing she does is tragic,
Every thing she does pisses me off,
All I want to do is cast some magic,
Shut her up and never see her scoff.

She has always sucked up to Fudge,
So a handful of Decrees were quickly made.
Until she got all the power,
And controlled the whole school, oh what a charade!

Every little thing she does is tragic.
Every thing she does pisses me off.
All I want to do is cast some magic,
Shut her up and never see her scoff.

I had to stand up to her
Through each and every day.
So she said she'll punish me
In her own horrid way.
And then she became Headmistress.
They had kicked out Dumbledore.
But we all fought her together.
Now she will teach here no more.

(Repeat Chorus twice)

A filk by Jason LeBouef to the tune of She's a Bad Mamma Jamma by Carl Carlton

HARRY (suffering while writing lines with the magic quill)
Yeahhhh
Oooohhhh!
Ohh ohh ohh! Look it hurts!

(now singing)
She's a bad DADA teacher… just as mean as she can be
She's a bad DADA teacher… just as mean as she can be

Her body measurements and just too gross to mention
Her nasty self put me sure enough in detention
A Ministry notion, to hire a spy to see
I get so disgusted when she is around me

HARRY/DADA STUDENTS
She's mean/She is mean, she is wacked
Give Hogwarts a heart attack
(HARRY)Does all the things that we don't like

She's bad/She is nasty, she is bad
Worst teacher we've ever had
(HARRY)I'd like to set her robe on fire

Look This hurts!
She's a bad DADA teacher… just as mean as she can be
She's a bad DADA teacher… just as mean as she can be

Looks like she's probing the whole school
She's so… the essence of ugly under an ugly hat
She's such a nasty when she teaches classes
She's Hell on wheels, when she punishes me

HARRY/DADA STUDENTS
She's cruel/She is cruel, she is fat
Has a brain just like a bat
A high inquisitor is she

She's dumb/She is dumb, nothin' nice
With her little beady eyes
Send her back to the ministry

Oohhh Wee!
She's a bad DADA teacher… just as mean as she can be
She's a bad DADA teacher… just as mean as she can be

UMBRIDGE
Hem! Hem!

STUDENTS:
DADAaaa.. DADAaaa.. DADA DADAaaa DADAaaaa DADAaaaaaa…..

UMBRIDGE
Hem! Hem!

STUDENTS:
DADAaaa.. DADAaaa.. DADA DADAaaa DADAaaaa DADAaaaaaa…..

UMBRIDGE
Hem! Hem!

STUDENTS:
She is crazy, she's a snitch
Such a crazy ugly witch

HARRY
Her nasty attitude is just too bad to mention
She's got a way to put me sure enough in detention
I wish I knew a potion to get her away from me
I get so digusted when she's around me

HARRY/DADA STUDENTS
She's mean/She is mean, she is wacked
Give Hogwarts a heart attack
(HARRY)Does all the things that we don't like

She's bad/She is nasty, she is bad
Worst teacher we've ever had
(HARRY)I'd like to set her robe on fire

Look This hurts!
She's a bad DADA teacher… just as mean as she can be
(HARRY: Oh oh oh oh oh oh…)
She's a bad DADA teacher… just as mean as she can be

repeat until fade

A filk by Indigo Ziona to the tune of The Real Slim Shady

UMBRIDGE:
Hem hem! May I have your attention please!
May I have your attention please!
Will Dumbledore's fanclub please shut up?
I repeat, will Dumbledore's fanclub please shut up?
I'm going to get angry now...

You act like you've never seen a pink cardie before
All starting to snore
Like I'm mumbling nonsense you'll just ignore
I'm a Defence teacher much worse than before
Books you'll be forced
Lessons you just can't endure
No wandwaving
"Ah, wait, no wait, she's kidding
She didn't just say what I think she said,
Did she?"
And You-Know-Who said -
Nothing you idiots! You-Know-Who's dead!
He was killed by that Scarhead!
Slytherin students love this Professor
Gotta love the woman D. Umbridge
"We love her style, look at her
sentencing Potter to who knows what
Cause he talked about You-Know-Who"
"But Potter's so cute though"
Dumbledore's got a couple of screws in his head loose
Won't let me hook up CCTV in the bedrooms
All my spies in Hogwarts to be let loose
And stop you all reading the Quibbler for your news
"The Dark Lord killed my Mum, the Dark Lord killed my Dad
The attention that I'm getting makes me feel so glad"
And that's the message we listen to from someone who's stark mad
And wonder why the ministry's problems are so bad
Of course the reputation of the Minister is bad
Cause we're giving a voice
To a brat who wants attention, aren't we?
He's nothing but talking,
Well I'll be walking
Examining Hogwarts and inquiring
Cause Dumbledore's reputation is expiring
And there's no reason why you shouldn't find the man Fudge inspiring
If you find this paranoia tiring
Students stop your boastful prose, listen to what I propose...

Chorus:
D J Umbridge, yes, I'm the real Umbridge
All of Fudge's rules I follow, no point taking umbrage
So will Dumbledore's fan club please shut up, please
shut up, please shut up

D J Umbridge, yes, I'm the real Umbridge
All of Fudge's rules I follow, no point taking umbrage
So will Dumbledore's fan club please shut up, please
shut up, please shut up

So the rest aren't allowed to interrupt the Headmaster
But I am, so hem hem, and listen up
You think I should be mad about Harry
Half of you fangirls want to have his babies and get married
"But Professor, what if it's true, You-Know-Who is back?"
What? You want to end up like Sirius Black?
Hell, I'm much more worried about a fangirl attack
So I'll question Ginny Weasley and Cho Chang
And work out who that Potter kid is most likely to bang
Little brat, sees dark wizards on Muggle TV
"Yeah he's mad, but his scar's so cool, hee hee"
If the Ministry was under my decree
I'd show the world the greatest liar you could see
I'm sick of your little Dark Arts Defence groups
I'll make an announcement with a purpose to end you
And there's a million people fearing You-Know-Who
Who don't know who, who are just following I-Know-Who
Whose words aren't true, and all his fangirls too
Who should listen up to someone else, and I know who...

D J Umbridge, yes, I'm the real Umbridge
All of Fudge's rules I follow, no point taking umbrage
So will Dumbledore's fan club please shut up, please
shut up, please shut up

D J Umbridge, yes, I'm the real Umbridge
All of Fudge's rules I follow, no point taking umbrage
So will Dumbledore's fan club please shut up, please
shut up, please shut up

I'm sensible to listen to
Because I'm only telling you
Things the Ministry has cleared to be taught in the classroom
I'm so much different from that werewolf Remus Lupin
A halfbreed and all, so I'm not going to let you use
your wand at all
Just get the book and read it
And you had better believe it
They know it better than you poxy little students can
And you wonder why I hate all thought original
It's funny because at the the rate you're going,
When you're twenty you'll be in Azkaban for crimes a-plenty
Spreading stupid rumours when you're longing for attention
And you'll mention that you wished I had just put you in detention
So every single person should pay me some attention
But you all act like I'm Professor Binns, you love the Weasley twins
And in the corridors, running and screaming you love Dumbledore
With his speeches that you all encore
So will Dumbledore's fan club shut up
To Umbridge all raise your hands up
And be proud to be out of the madness bred in this school
And one more time, loud as you can, say Umbridge rules...

D J Umbridge, yes, I'm the real Umbridge
All of Fudge's rules I follow, no point taking umbrage
So will Dumbledore's fan club please shut up, please
shut up, please shut up

D J Umbridge, yes, I'm the real Umbridge
All of Fudge's rules I follow, no point taking umbrage
So will Dumbledore's fan club please shut up, please
shut up, please shut up

Not singing along Potter? I think it'll be another week of detention for you.

MagicPoni's latest edition of crazy classics! Dumbledore leads his chorus a tribute to Cornelius Fudge and Dolores Umbridge. Sung to the tune Love and Marriage by Frank Sinatra.

DUMBLEDORE: Fudge and Umbridge, Fudge and Umbridge
RON: Go together like a spoon and porridge

RON flings a spoonful of porridge at a picture of Fudge and Umbridge

SIRIUS: They act as Big Brother
MCGONAGALL: You can't have one without the other

DUMBLEDORE: Fudge and Umbridge, Fudge and Umbridge
ARTHUR: Run an institute you can disparage
HERMIONE: Pass another Decree
HARRY: And they will say it's from the ministry.

MOLLY: Try, try, try to separate them
REMUS: It's an illusion
FRED: Try, try, try, and you will only come
GEORGE: To this conclusion

DUMBLEDORE: Fudge and Umbridge, Fudge and Umbridge
HARRY: Get detention and it will be savage
SIRIUS: Can't escape Big Brother
MCGONAGALL: You can't have one without the other

A filk by Salazar to the tune of Kidnap The Sandy Claws from Danny Elfman's The Nightmare Before Christmas.

THE SCENE: The office of DOLORES UMBRIDGE. Along with TWO MINISTRY OFFICIALS and a CHORUS OF DEMENTORS, she plots to be rid of Harry Potter

FIRST MINISTRY OFFICIAL
Kidnap little Harry boy?

UMBRIDGE
Let's use dementors to destroy.

SECOND MINISTRY OFFICIAL
Someone has to take some action
We're in a bind

FIRST OFFICIAL:
Create a distraction

UMBRIDGE
The kid goes in traction!

ALL:
Weeeee!
Lalalalalalalalalalala
Lalalalalalalalalalala

UMBRIDGE & OFFICIALS (Instructing Dementors):
Kidnap the Potter boy
Stop him if you can
Throw the little lying brat
Right in Azkaban.

UMBRIDGE (to Dementors)
His lying will take its toll
We cannot let him reach his goal
Voldemort cannot be back
So you had best suck out his soul!

FIRST OFFICIAL:
Wait, I've got a better ploy to catch this little hero boy
Just let him say "Voldy's not dead", the Ministry will have his head!

CHORUS OF DEMENTORS
Kidnap the Potter boy
Suck out all his bliss
Back him up against the wall
Then give him a kiss

SECOND OFFICIAL:
Then Mr. Albus Dumbledore
Can head right through the prison door!
He'll hold such a big monstrous grudge
He'll lose the fight to Fudge! Whee!

FIRST OFFICIAL
I say that we take an Auror,
And send him Potter's address
Avada Kedavra will make sure that Potter is no more!

UMBRIDGE
Don't be stupid. Think now, if he falls right down without a fight
It might look suspicious and The Prophet might just think he's right!

DEMENTORS
Kiss off the Potter boy,
Drink his happiness
Leave him with his worst of thoughts
See then if he's blessed

UMBRIDGE & OFFICIALS
Because old Mr. Albus Dumble
Just believes that bloody lad
If I were with old Dumbledore,
I'd be rather sad!

UMBRIDGE:
Fudge will be so happy to see
That Potter's finished, thanks to me!
Perhaps he'll move me up in rank
Then the half-breeds will tank!

'Cause I'm Secretary and I do my job with pride
I hate that Harry Potter kid, who I think went and lied.
I wish I were the one in charge
For me no power is too large.

FIRST OFFICIAL
Dumbledore will have a fit
When we use this plan
To bear fruit
We'll send a box to Potter's door
With powder that makes him grow roots.

SECOND OFFICIAL
Now in the box the stuff we'll hide
Until at last Harry just can't
Resist the lure to look inside
And he'll become a helpless plant!

UMBRIDGE & OFFICIALS
Kiss off the Potter boy,
Get him on the run
Tell The Daily Prophet all
The crimes that he's done!

Kidnap the Potter boy,
Indict him with crimes
Even send an article
To the Muggle Times!

ALL:
Kidnap the Potter boy
But do only this
When we've/you've got him cornered then
Give him a nice kiss!

Mad laughter from UMBRIDGE & OFFICIALS. Exit DEMENTORS

A filk by Wendy to the tune of Her Majesty by the Beatles.

HARRY:
Delores is a nasty old girl,
And she's always got a lot to say.
Delores is a nasty old girl,
New decrees comin' every day.
I want to tell her that the Dark Lord is back,
But on my hand her quill is cutting lines.
Delores is a nasty old girl,
I really wish that she'd resign, oh yeah,
I really wish that she'd resign.

A filk by loony to the tune of Oh! Susanna by Stephen Foster

I was listening to the CD of OOP over the past few weeks and I found this quote which made me stop the CD and start singing as loud as I could, making up the words as I went.

"Professor Umbridge was sitting there, a clipboard on her knee.."(OOP US edition p. 661).

UMBRIDGE:
Oh I'm going to Trelawney
With my clipboard on my knee
And I'm going to inspect her
Just for the ministry
Oh! Trelawney!
You'd better scry for me
Cause I'm coming to your tower
With my clipboard on my knee

Oh I'm going to see Hagrid
With my clipboard on my knee
I would like to sack him
Then I'd be half-blood free
Oh! I hate them
Those folks who aren't like me
So I'll unfairly inspect him
With my clipboard on my knee

I'm going to McGonagall's office
With my clipboard on my knee
I'm going to Minerva's
That Potter boy to see
Oh dear Filchy
Oh don't you cry for me
Cause I'm going to McGonagall's
With my clipboard on my knee

Oh I'm not going to Binnsey
With my clipboard on my knee
Why I don't go to inspect him is quite the Mystery
Oh dear Binnsey
You are quite safe from me
Cause I'm not gonna inspect you
With my clipboard on my knee

A filk by fuzzlebub85 to the tune of Frosty the Snowman

Umbridge the Devil
Was a very nasty soul
With a pink cardigan and a black quill
that in Harry's hand sliced holes

Umbridge the Devil
Was a nightmare, Hogwarts says
Except the Inquis Squad, who shout and nod,
"Old Umbridge was the best!"

Down to Hagrid's
With a clipboard in her hand
Running to all the Slytherins
"Do you understand that man?"

Soon Trelawney
Was sacked by evil Umbridge
But McGonagall said, "Sibyll, never fear
Albus will keep you here."

Down to the forest
With Harry and Hermione
Came evil Umbridge who met the centaurs
And was quite nearly killed.

In the Ministry
Dumbledore made Fudge see reason
For bad or good he understood
High Inquisitor had committed treason

Cloppity clop clop cloppity clop clop
Look at Umbridge go...
Cloppity clop clop cloppity clop clop over Hogwarts' snow!

A filk by Crookykanks to the tune of Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer

Harry is dreaming. FLITWICK comes in wearing a bright elf suit, and sings:

FLITWICK:
Umbridge got run over by a centaur
Walking through the forest late at night
The teachers say we shouldn't think it's funny,
But we can hear them laughing with delight.

She was gaining too much power, and was posing as a threat
But it was really, really funny to see her sitting in the swamp, soaking wet.
She supervised all our classes, writing down notes with evil glee
And once a month she would present us with another stupid Ministry decree

Umbridge got run over by a centaur
Walking through the forest late at night
The teachers say we shouldn't think it's funny,
But we can hear them laughing with delight

We're all so proud of all our teachers, while she's around they lessen our load
See McGonagall resisting from turning that Ministry princess into a toad
Fred and George had pranked the teachers. Snape had even called them jerks
but now the staff will only sit back and allow us to enjoy the fireworks (fireworks!)

Umbridge got run over by a centaur
Walking through the forest late at night
The teachers say we shouldn't think it's funny,
But we can hear them laughing with delight

She was Fudge's evil minion and she put scars on Harry's hand
And that awful pink cardigan should be banished from fashion through the land
Snape was really getting angry, and Sprout had had about enough
At least through anger she united Ravenclaw, Gryffindor, and Hufflepuff.

Umbridge got run over by a centaur
Walking through the forest late at night
The teachers say we shouldn't think it's funny,
But we can hear them laughing with delight

(RON: Sing it Professor!)

Umbridge got run over by a centaur
Walking through the forest late at night
The teachers say we shouldn't think it's funny,
But we can hear them laughing with delight

A filk by RJ Lupin to the tune of Too Much by the Spice Girls

Picture the scene as Harry in detention lamenting about Umbridge, and Ron and Hermione in a sort of fade in the background singing the backups.

HARRY:
Umbridge's foul, as foul as someone could be
Short and such a toad that I see
In her class we just sit and read
Learnin' nothin', list'ning to her insult all half breeds

Well I said that Lord Voldemort came back

RON & HERMIONE:
He came back

HARRY:
She said "That's detention, stop seeking attention!"
She just won't listen to fact

RON & HERMIONE:
She's the worst teacher that we have had

HARRY:
It's gettin' pretty obvious that we all hate her
Seeing her presence makes me go mad
I know we'd all be better off if a Skrewt just ate her

She's making up ridiculous decrees
Boosts her power like "kiss my ass please"
Thinks only her way's fine
Now we know the Ministry has gone and lost their minds

Malfoy sucks and so I punched him

RON & HERMIONE:
Punched him

HARRY:
And that ugly hag b*tch, she banned me from Quidditch
I just want her to end

RON & HERMIONE:
She's the worst teacher that we have had

HARRY:
We have had
It's gettin' pretty obvious that we all hate her
Seeing her presence makes me go mad

RON & HERMIONE:
Me go mad
I know we'd all be better off if a Skrewt just ate her

HARRY:
What part of truth won't she understand?

RON & HERMIONE:
Understand understand

HARRY:
Voldemort's back
We must stop him if we can

Stop him if we can!

RON & HERMIONE:
She's the worst teacher that we have had

HARRY:
It's gettin' pretty obvious that we all hate her
Seeing her presence makes me go mad
I know we'd all be better off if a Skrewt just ate her

RON & HERMIONE:
She's the worst teacher that we have had

HARRY:
We have had

RON & HERMIONE:
It's gettin' pretty obvious that we all hate her
Seeing her presence makes me go mad

HARRY:
Me go mad

RON & HERMIONE:
I know we'd all be better off if a Skrewt just ate her

HARRY:
Slicing my hand, making me write 'I must not tell lies'
Who knew there'd be a teacher more than Snape I'd despise?
Slicing my hand, making me write 'I must not tell lies'
Who knew there'd be a teacher more than Snape I'd despise?

repeat to fade

A filk by Jason LeBouef to the tune of Beep Beep by The Playmtes

Note: There's a sound effect of a small horn going "Beep Beep" throughout the song. Imagine this is Umbridge going "Hem! Hem!"

HARRY
While tried by the Wizengamot
What to my surprise
A little fat woman was looking at me
With little beady eyes

The witch must've wanted just to speak up
As she kept on raising her voice

UMBRIDGE
Hem! Hem!

HARRY
I'll show her that a young wizard
Is not someone to scorn

HARRY/UMBRIDGE
Hem hem/Hem hem
Hem hem/Hem hem`

HARRY
Miss Umbridge went "Hem Hem"

UMBRIDGE
Hem! Hem!

HARRY
I raised my hand into the air
And gave her quite a shake
But I told her Voldemort is back, beware
It was a big mistake

This teacher gave me some detention
And a punishment I despise

UMBRIDGE
Hem! Hem!

HARRY
She made me write in my own blood
That "I will not tell lies"

HARRY/UMBRIDGE
Hem hem/Hem hem
Hem hem/Hem hem

HARRY
Miss Umbridge went "Hem Hem"

UMBRIDGE
Hem! Hem!

HARRY
My Godfather from Grimmauld place
Appeared into the fire
Told him that no one believes me
They all think that I'm a liar

When a hand just reached in to grab him out
I couldn't believe my eyes (Hem! Hem!)
That little old witch had perfect time
You'd think that she's a spy

HARRY/UMBRIDGE
Hem hem/Hem hem
Hem hem/Hem hem

HARRY
Miss Umbridge went "Hem Hem"

Big explosion in the marble staircase
Bombs all over the place
For a school in such anarchy
Would be a big disgrace

The Weasley twins set off those bombs
It made her all forlorn (Hem! Hem!)
They showed her that a young wizard
Is not someone to scorn

HARRY/UMBRIDGE
Hem hem/Hem hem
Hem hem/Hem hem

HARRY
Miss Umbridge went "Hem Hem"

Now we're leading her out the school
The forest we did go
Ms Umbridge following in back
The secret weapon we will show

We gave her up to the centaurs
And you could plainly hear

UMBRIDGE
Somebody won't you please get me out…
Get me out of here!

Hem! Hem! Hem! Hem! Hem! Hem! Hem! Hem!

A filk by Jason LeBouef to the theme of Fat Albert

UMBRIDGE:
Hem! Hem! Hem!

HARRY
It's faaaat Umbridge

UMBRIDGE
I wanna spend some time with you
My quill's gonna show you a thing or two
You'll have some fun now with me in detention
Learnin' from your torment, feel the needle sting

Na na na gonna have a good time
Hem! Hem! Hem!
Na na na gonna have a good time
Na na na gonna have a good time
Hem! Hem! Hem!
Na na na gonna have a good time

A filk by Randy Estes to the tune of What Shall We Do With a Drunken Sailor?

What should we do with Dolores Umbridge?
What should we do with Dolores Umbridge?
What should we do with Dolores Umbridge?
Early in the morning!

Throw her in woods with a hundred Centaurs!
Throw her in woods with a hundred Centaurs!
Throw her in woods with a hundred Centaurs!
Early in the morning!

She might escape and tell the Ministry!
She might escape and tell the Ministry!
She might escape and tell the Ministry!
Early in the morning!

Toss her in a cell with a Dementor!
Toss her in a cell with a Dementor!
Toss her in a cell with a Dementor!
Early in the morning!

Dementors said they're afraid of Umbridge!
Dementors said they're afraid of Umbridge!
Dementors said they're afraid of Umbridge!
Early in the morning!

Make her sign books for JK Rowling!
Make her sign books for JK Rowling!
Make her sign books for JK Rowling!
Early in the morning!

Rowling's afraid she'll scare the kiddies!
Rowling's afraid she'll scare the kiddies!
Rowling's afraid she'll scare the kiddies!
Early in the morning!

Suck out her soul with an incantation!
Suck out her soul with an incantation!
Suck out her soul with an incantation!
Early in the morning!

McGonagall says that "she doesn't have one!"
McGonagall says that "she doesn't have one!"
McGonagall says that "she doesn't have one!"
Early in the morning!

Make her kiss toads `til she finds a husband!
Make her kiss toads `til she finds a husband!
Make her kiss toads `til she finds a husband!
Early in the morning!

The Reptile Union will sue our fannies!
The Reptile Union will sue our fannies!
The Reptile Union will sue our fannies!
Early in the morning!

Make her set sail with Davy Jones' Ghost ship!
Make her set sail with Davy Jones' Ghost ship!
Make her set sail with Davy Jones' Ghost ship!
Early in the morning!

Davy's afraid that she'll scare the Kraken!
Davy's afraid that she'll scare the Kraken!
Davy's afraid that she'll scare the Kraken!
Early in the morning!

So what do you do with Dolores Umbridge!
What do you do with Dolores Umbridge!
What do you do with Dolores Umbridge!
Early in the morning!

A filk by R.J. Lupin based on The Bitch of Living from Steven Sater and Duncan Sheik's Spring Awakening.

THE SCENE: Harry and the Gryffindor Boys complain in the empty DADA classroom about Umbridge at Hogwarts during their 5th year, using choreography extremely similar to that of the original song.

HARRY:
God, I think I may have lost it
I have snapped and hit the wall
As I cried out during Dark Arts
"You are so not right at all
Voldemort's back and it's his fault
Cedric's not with us this fall
I fought him and he's angry
We don't have time to stall"

She said, "Detention, Potter
Now here's a quill and scroll
Let me teach you how to handle all the lying in your soul
No, you won't need any magic
All your lies are quite too tall"
She said, "Let me deal with this, kid
You-Know-Who's not back at all"

BOYS:
She's the bitch of Hogwarts

RON:
Bitch, she's a bitch

BOYS:
Taking over school

RON:
She's a bitch, yeah

BOYS:
Just the bitch of Hogwarts
Wants us under her rule

HARRY:
See, each night it's like terrible
Cutting, bleeding out my hand
When I just want to play Quidditch
And she doesn't understand
And that pink office is sickly, I think my brain's gonna pop
And her cough, I mean, God please, go get her a cough drop

BOYS:
She's the bitch of Hogwarts

RON:
Bitch

BOYS:
Hem, hem, hem
She's making her decrees, daft rubbish decrees
Just the bitch of Hogwarts
Down at Fudge's knees
What's the Min'stry doing?
Oh who knows...

NEVILLE:
See her trying to sack teachers

DEAN:
Censoring with all her might

RON:
Looks so nasty in those pink bows

SEAMUS:
That old toad face isn't right

RON:
She's so crazy power hungry
She just wants Dumbledore gone

HARRY:
She's kissing Fudge's ass, man
When will they see they're wrong?

BOYS:
Wrong...

HARRY:
She's the bitch of Hogwarts

BOYS:
She's the bitch of Hogwarts

HARRY:
And she hates everyone

BOYS:
Everyone
She's the bitch

HARRY:
Of Hogwarts
Who's ruining all our fun

BOYS:
She's the bitch of Hogwarts

HARRY:
You watch me, just watch me

BOYS:
This bitch will make us die

HARRY:
I'm starting the D.A.

BOYS:
Just the bitch of Hogwarts

RON:
Afraid we'll all defy

HARRY:
All will know

BOYS:
She's the bitch of Hogwarts, Hogwarts

HARRY:
All will know

BOYS:
Now the Min'stry interferes
With the bitch of Hogwarts

HARRY:
Because they're full of fear

BOYS:
What a bad curse
It can't get worse
Oh God, what a bitch!

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