* = post-OOP
** = post-HBP
Meet Sprout Copyright 2002 by Red Scharlach; Professor Sprout's Greenhouse Copyright 2002 by Gail; I Make Things Grow Copyright 2004 by Ginger; Real Nice Mandrakes Copyright 2006 by Caius Marcius
A filk by Red Scharlach to the tune of Le Freak by Chic
Enter NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM and a Chorus of Hufflepuff girls. For reasons best known to themselves, they are wearing sequinned catsuits and disco boots.
NEVILLE:
Have you met the head of Hufflepuff?
Now there's a prof who really knows her stuff
Don't think that Herbology's just for geeks
It can be fun, just learn a few techniques
If your mandrake's the worse for wear
Or your feet are trapped in Devil's Snare
Just call for Sprout, she'll get to the root somehow
Get digging - she'll teach you now!
(ohhhhhh)
Meet Sprout!
(it's not for geeks)
Meet Sprout!
Meet Sprout!
(dig her technique)
Meet Sprout!
Charms and potions get you down
But Sprout's no slouch, her feet are on the ground
Find a plant pot, grab a spade
Sure enough, you'll get a real good grade
If there's a fungus nibbling at your wand
Or gillyweed choking up your pond,
Just come on down to Greenhouse Three
She's got the moves, just wait and see
(ohhhhhh)
Meet Sprout!
(it's not for geeks)
Meet Sprout!
Meet Sprout!
(dig her technique)
Meet Sprout!
No geek! She's no geek! No geek!
Repeat chorus until exhausted.
A filk by Gail to the tune of An Octopus's Garden by the Beatles
NEVILLE:
Like to study Herbology
With Professor Sprout in greenhouse number three
What merriment those hours well spent
With Professor Sprout in greenhouse number three
Ron and Harry and Hermione
Along with Justin Finch-Fletchley
Like to study Herbology
With Professor Sprout in greenhouse number three
Like to study Herbology
With Professor Sprout in greenhouse number three
Once a week all of us meet
With Professor Sprout in greenhouse number three
We gather 'round the flower beds
Listening to each word that Sprout says
Like to study Herbology
With Professor Sprout in greenhouse number three
Like to study Herbology
With Professor Sprout in greenhouse number three
Sometimes we weed or plant some seeds
With Professor Sprout in greenhouse number three
It's really great to be in this place
I don't have to see Snape's ugly face
Like to study Herbology
With Professor Sprout in greenhouse number three
In Professor Sprout's greenhouse
In Professor Sprout's greenhouse
A filk by Ginger to the tune of I Cain't Say No from Rodgers and Hammerstein's Oklahoma
SPROUT:
It's really just a question of knowing what to do.
I've been repotting plants since I was ten.
I know each plant's lifecycle, and when fertilizer's due,
And just how much to water each, and when.
I know my limelight isn't brightly lit,
But if you need some Mandrakes- I'm a hit!
I'm just a girl who makes things grow.
A horticultural fix.
If you should say, "We need one so"
I'll do some grafts and make six.
When a first year tried to prune a plant
And accidently gives too hard a whack,
I just smile and take a point from him,
And get reserves from greenhouse five out back.
I'm just a fool for lawns to mow.
I'm dirty without complaint.
Puttering without restraint.
With the patience of a saint.
I make things grow.
What should I care if my nails get all dirty?
Or my back gets hurty?
This is what I do.
I have to beam with pride at my prize elderberries
Which cure dysentaries.
This is what I do.
If my headmaster says that we need some Mandrakes
Or the petrified students die.
I just pop pink earmuffs upon my head-
Ready to fly!
I'm just a girl who makes things grow.
Make things grow healthy and tall.
Some say it's a long row to hoe,
I'm out here having a ball.
If it's hot, I keep the seedlings cool-
It's not too humid out in greenhouse three.
Then I get a load of mooncalf stool
And watch them as they grow up magicly.
I love to see things in a row
Growing without a relapse.
Weeding with well-aimed wand taps.
World's greatest hobby, perhaps.
I make things grow.
I'm just a girl who makes things grow
For decoration or food.
Quality potions parts, just so.
So Snape won't come all unglued.
Though I rest to watch a Quidditch match,
Or if a Hufflepuff to me should run,
I have a farming itch to scratch-
Cuz horticulture is my kind of fun.
Raising things sets my heart aglow.
It makes me giddy and faint.
Gardening without restraint.
Art using flowers for paint.
I make things grow.
To the tune of A Real Nice Clambake from Rodgers and Hammerstein's Carousel
THE SCENE: The Herbology Greenhouse, a few years after CoS. SPROUT instructs another class in the proper raising of mandrakes.
SPROUT & CHORUS OF STUDENTS
They will be real nice mandrakes
When they are full mature.
Make sure the earmuffs are tight enough
Or we'll be knocked out, for sure!
Their skin is green, their bawling is shrill
Though they are still quite young
They will be real nice mandrakes
'Cause they all have some real great lungs
SPROUT
Remember when we faced that Chamber monster
What liked to petri-file?
It slumbered and slithered and slaughtered and slunk
Hissin' like a foul reptile
CHORUS OF STUDENTS
Huntin' and a hissin'
Huntin' and a hissin'
Hissin' like a foul reptile!
SPROUT
It turned 'em into stone and froze 'em up bad,
And made 'em to be like fossils
So I planted 'Drakes in pots
And gave 'em scarves and socks
And they gave us success colossal
CHORUS OF STUDENTS
Plantin' and a pottin'
Plantin' and a pottin'
Pottin' in a compost pile
SPROUT
Then at last came the cure
CHORUS OF STUDENTS
The cure!
Made 'em less rocky, jus' how we cannot tell
How did Mimsy ever get it down his gullet?
SPROUT
I couldn't say mysel'……
SPROUT & CHORUS OF STUDENTS
Oh-h-h-
They will be real nice mandrakes
When they are fully grown
If you're stalagmite from a snake bite
They can turn you back from stone
Their skin is green, their bawling is shrill
Their acne's gone away
They will be real nice mandrakes
And they'll all soon be makin' hay
They'll all leave their pots
To start partyin' hard
And all will be makin' hay
NOTE: The references to socks, scarves, acne and partying are all Canonic.