Madam Pince and the Hogwarts Library

The Library Copyright 2005 by Ginger; Granger in Paradise Copyright 2005 by Caius Marcius

A filk by Ginger to Macavity from Lloyd Webber's Cats.

Alone in the library, MADAM PINCE lets her hair down and sings:.

PINCE:
The library's my second home; the books fill me with awe.
And students who should talk too much feel me lay down the law.
They bring their chocolate Snitches in and doodle on the chair-
But when they need some knowledge then, the library is there!

The library, the library, there's no place like the library.
I scowl and hiss and threaten them and practice diatribary.
I brandish feather dusters and give out a vulture's stare-
But if they need to look things up, the library's right there!

If in the Restricted Section, you must cautiously use care,
But for solid, verify'ble facts, the library is there!

The library is filled with books, their wisdom kept within,
But when students should abuse them, oh, my patience then wears thin.
The books can range from miniscule to epic-standard tome.
The shelves are stacked so students can be learning as they roam.
A few are bound with solid charms that students cannot break.
And if you take them stealthily, a screaming noise they'll make.

The library, the library, there's no place like the library.
You turn the book in when it's due- don't even think of bribery.
You may opt to re-renew it, but it's better far to share.
When others want to read the book- the library is there!

I know my Dewey Decimal - I've memorized the cards.
We've even got a Scottish play by one o'those Muggle bards.
We've got some books on potions, some of which should not be trifled,
And some others that will read themselves aloud and must be stifled.
We've got Quidditch through the Ages, and a few that are so rare,
And if you want Fantastic Beasts, the library is there!

The library, the library, there's no place like the library.
You can look up switching spells and make yourself a butterflyberry.
In NEWT years you can find a charm to lift you from despair-
Whatever sort of thing you need, the library is there!

And I know that all the students whose IQ is above drones:
(I might mention Hermy Granger, I might mention Susan Bones)
Are always found within my walls- they study all the time.
We might just get a Minister of Magic that is Prime!

The library, the library, THE LIBRARY!

- Ginger, who never realized how few words rhyme with library.

To the tune of Stranger In Paradise from the musical Kismet, by Robert Wright & George Forrest (with an assist from Alexander Borodin)

THE SCENE: Hogwarts Library, as a rhapsodic HERMIONE enters her very favorite place on earth

HERMIONE:
Oh, see all the shelves
Of the library swell
With majestic old tomes
And see how I'm bright 'n' hale singing
With joy in my library home
For in my most studious season
There's no where else I'd rather go
Oh, it's paradise now
It is truly an Eden
From which I'll not roam….

With this card
I'm a Granger in paradise
Who'll read ev'ry sage and bard
Whilst ranging through paradise
As I stand Dewey-eyed
I shall conjure so fair and nice
With volumes that will provide
Magic FAQs

I'm all agog
And quite addicted
By ev'ry catalog
Wond'rous and rare
Soon I'll unfog
All that's restricted
Until I've read
Ev'ry book that is there

Here is answered the prayers solemn
Of a Granger for paradise
Be off with your Ron and Krum
My ship is for scholarship
Just open to any page
No estrangement could e'er entice
The fountain of knowledge is
Where Granger shall sip!

During the instrumental bridge, MADAM PINCE attempts to quell HERMIONE'S musical disturbance

PINCE:
Your voice so booms
You'll be evicted
Back to your common room
Straight through the door

HERMIONE & PINCE
That would spell doom
If I'm/you're convicted

PINCE:
Unless you can

HERMIONE
Unless somehow I can

PINCE:
Keep it down to a roar

HERMIONE
Keep it down to a roar

PINCE:
Golden silence must be observed
Says this strange elder pedagogue

HERMIONE
Don't let me be underserved
Or of manuscripts run out

HERMIONE & PINCE:
But open my/your mouth no more
Or exchange songs that I've/you've devised
And then maybe I/you will be
A Granger in doubt!

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