Alastor "Mad-Eye" Moody

* = post-OOP
** = post-HBP

Copyright 2000, 2001 by Caius Marcius, except Mad Eye Moody Copyright 2001 by Angela Boyko; Mad-Eye Moody Copyright 2003 by Gail; Moody the Wonder Auror Copyright 2003 by Rune Furberg Akselsen; Send an Auror Copyright 2003 by Pippin; Whatever Became of Moody? Copyright 2003 by Willow; If I Were Gor-gee-ous Copyright 2004 by Rachel Harris (aka Errolowl); Alastor Moody Copyright 2006 by Alessandra C.

To the tune of Helen Reddy's I Am Woman

THE SCENE: The DADA classroom. Enter ALASTOR MOODY

MOODY:
I am Moody, hear an Auror
Declare total all-out war
Against each Dark Art practitioner devout
I will transport Voldemort
O'er the brink of Thermidor
And those Death Eating scum I'll ferret out!

Oh yes I am mad
I suspect every ashcan
But I'll not be had
By any evil wizard's plan
Gonna send that trash straight back to Azkaban!
I am mad!
I am intransigent!
I am Moody!

I use Constant Vigilance when I teach Dark Arts Defense
Nothing out there can escape my view
My eye swivels three-six-oh
Catching sight of every foe
I see straight through you as I look askew

Oh I'm insane
I get quite delirious
When I sustain
Another Curse Imperius
And hexes much more deleterious!
I am mad!
I am intransigent!
I am….

MOODY reaches for his hip flask, but finds it empty. He abruptly changes back to Barty Crouch Jr.

…..leaving!

Exit, pursued by Dementors

A filk by Pippin to the tune of Tom Lehrer's Send the Marines

MAD-EYE MOODY:
When someone makes a move
No wizard would approve,
Who is that responds to Dumbledore?
DADA and M.L.E.,
They help, to some degree,
But first send an Auror!

Though I have lost a leg
Which took me down a peg
I still have my spellcasting blasting wand.
When the Tri-wiz Tournament
Arouses grave concern-ament
What should you do? Send for an Auror!

We know what's right,
Defenders of the light,
Hogwarts will be protected,
Students' rights respected,
And phony carriage clocks will be detected

The Chamber of Aurors
All hate wizarding wars,
We'd rather kill them off by peaceful means.
Stop calling us all madmen,
We're only offing bad men.
I've never used a Crucio
Except when there was need to know
They love me everywhere I go,
So when in doubt,
Send an Auror

To the tune of That's Amore!

THE SCENE: Gryffindor Common Room. Students are enthusiastically discussing their new DADA Professor, Alastor "Mad-Eye" Moody.

HARRY AND RON
Who's a wizard so cool even George says he rules?
That's an Auror!

GEORGE AND FRED
Who's a man of stout heart missing some body parts?
That's an Auror!

NEVILLE AND LEE
Where dark forces crept he is quite adept, he will intercept 'em even as they slept
He is cunning!
Nothing can deter, moving like a blur, he will soon inter 'em into the stir
Swiftly stunning!

HARRY & GEORGE
Who may get somewhat vexed when his dustbins are hexed?

ALL
That's an Auror!

RON & FRED
Who becomes more intense through Constant Vigilance?

ALL
That's an Auror!

RON & NEVILLE
There's a certain curse which is quite adverse leaves you much the worse in class he will rehearse
With a spider
As we look askance he will make it dance put it in a trance losing its last chance
Up 'n' died 'ere.

HARRY & LEE
Whose all covered in scars earned in Dark Wizard wars?

ALL
That's an Auror!

RON & NEVILLE
With his magical optic which can penetrate solid brick

GEORGE & FRED
He may be paranoid, but we pair aren't annoyed, nor are we sore
We don't mind paranoia when he bounces Malfoy-a............

ALL
......................................................................HE'S AN AUROR!

A filk by Angela Boyko, to the tune of This Old Man

CHARLIE WEASLEY
This old man, Mad Eye Moody
He was an Auror, doing his duty
He filled up Azkaban, with a terrible lot
His hatred of dark wizards isn't for naught

AMOS DIGGORY
This old man, full of suspicion
Jinxed all his dustbins in his grand tradition
He thought that the cats were doing the Dark Arts
He scared all the Muggles in surrounding parts

DUMBLEDORE
This old man, he's joined our staff
He's going to make learning more than a laugh
You'll learn how to defend yourself against the Death Eaters
There's more to our Hogwarts than cheering on the Beaters

RON
This old man, he was really cool!
He transfigured Draco into a fool
Gave him some whiskers, a furry snout and tail
When Draco stopped bouncing he was pink, not pale

NEVILLE
This old man, he's really scary
He did awful things to spiders that were hairy
And then after that, he made me a cup of tea
And lent me a book on aquatic botany

HERMIONE
This old man, he gave Harry clues
Helped him fight off those dragon fighting blues
Harry discovered just what he had to do
With a clever spell that Firebolt flew

McGONAGALL
This old man, he used me in a plot
He helped Dobby help Harry out of a wet spot
Without the Gillyweed poor Harry would have drowned
Under the waves there'd have been a gurgling sound

VOLDEMORT
This old man, he "fixed" the maze
Made Victor his puppet, in a cursed daze
He changed the big trophy, into a portkey
All to deliver Harry to me

SNAPE
This old man, he did something strange
He took wounded Harry out of viewing range
I'm not that fond of Potter, but with Albus I will fight
All the dark forces this terrible night

HARRY
This old man, he's not my friend
He wanted me to die in a painful end
That he was Mad Eye Moody, everyone did vouch
But in the end, he was Junior Barty Crouch

A filk by Alessandra C. to the tune of Personal Jesus by Marilyn Manson

Alastor Mad-Eye Moody
The best Auror out there,
The one badly scarred
Alastor Mad-Eye Moody
The best Auror out there,
The greatest fighter

Even if he's retired
His vigilance is on
Living alone
In his warded home
Killing off Death Eaters,
The Dark Lord's supporters

Bad guys do your best
Put him to the test
His wand to your chest
He'll make you confess
You'd better surrender
'Cause Moody is no forgiver

Dark wizards' worst nightmare
Dark wizard's worst nightmare

Alastor Mad-Eye Moody...

Even if he's retired
His vigilance is on
Living alone
In his warded home
Killing off Death Eaters,
The Dark Lord's supporters

You'd better surrender
'Cause Moody is no forgiver

Dark wizards' worst nightmare

Alastor Mad-Eye Moody

Dark Wizards' worst nightmare.

To the tune of Hopelessly Devoted to You from Grease

THE SCENE: Inside the trunk of ALASTOR "MAD-EYE" MOODY, who is being held hostage by Barty Crouch Jr. The genuine MOODY, sans magic eye and peg leg, laments his fate

MOODY
Guess I'm not the first Auror hostage
My eye not the first to be pinched
Give an inch, and they will take
Your will, leaving you subdued

You know I once filled ev'ry hoosegow
I confounded each Dark Wizard crew
But let awareness lapse, and see it all collapse for you
If Constant Vigilance should fall through

'Cause now I'm locked in my trunk
Like some cheap piece of junk
The thing I most dread, my constant vigilance, it fell through
I've fallen in some deep doo-doo
'Cause constant vigilance then fell through

Take your eye off a Foe-Glass one second
Ignore a Sneakoscope's tiny peep
You'll meet a bad end, a hex that they intend for you
If Constant Vigilance should fall through

But now I'm locked in my trunk
By that Crouch Junior punk
He's out there as me, a hopeless imitation of me
Is all of Hogwarts too blind to see?
No way could Crouch be as cool as me………..

A filk by Willow to the tune of Whatever Became of Hubert? by Tom Lehrer

Scene:HARRY & DUMBLEDORE have discovered the imposter Moody and now wonder where the real Moody could be. This turns into a duet, with DUMBLEDORE layering in a fine baritone over HARRY'S surprisingly nice tenor.

HARRY & DUMBLEDORE
What ever became of Moody?
Does anyone know a thing?
He did well on his own,
Now we think he's alone,
Can we find him while it's still Spring?

Once a loud and a fiery spirit,
But now if you yell we can't hear it.
Being captive's a hard role, I know,
Which is why we must now let you go.

We must protest this treatment, Moody,
Says each wizard at Hogwarts.
We must all do our solemn duty,
And make sure that you don't wear shorts.

Sorry about that.
Whatever became of you Moody?
If only we had a clue!
If we did, then we would,
As it is it's no good,
He left nothing to lead us to you.

Does Barty, remembring when he was not free,
Say "I'll do unto you like Dad did unto me,"
Do you have problems breaking through?
Moody what happened to you?

A filk by Rachel Harris (aka Errolowl) to the tune of If I Were A Rich Man from Fiddler on the Roof

MOODY:
(Speaking) Darn Jo, you written many, many plain people.
I realize, of course that, that its no shame to be plain.
But it's no great shakes either!
So, what would have been so terrible if I had been a poster boy?

singing wistfully.....or wickedly ;-)

If I were Gor-gee-ous,
Woo-hoo, wovey dovey baby smoochy oochy poochy poo
All day long I'd coochy - coochy -coo
If I was a fetching man.
I wouldn't need vigilance,
Woo-hoo, wovey dovey baby smoochy oochy poochy poo
If I were a razzle dazzle hunk
Hanky Panky Yankee lanky man

I'd have a big fan club with fan-girls by the dozen,
Swooning at the mention of my name.
My name lit up in lights, with bows and bells.
I'd have a huge big billboard that shows off my biceps
And one even bigger with the same
And one more showing off - God-knows-what-else!

I'd surround myself with chicks and birds and veela; and laugh
At the jealous crowd around
Jostling to get just as close to me as they can
And each fans "wow" and "gasp" and "Ooh" as I walk past
Ah, the hero worship will abound!
I'd leave all the auror-ing to that Kingsley man

Sigh

If I were Gor-gee-ous,
Woo-hoo, wovey dovey baby smoochy oochy poochy poo
All day long I'd coochy - coochy -coo
If I was a fetching man.
I wouldn't need vigilance,
Woo-hoo, wovey dovey baby smoochy oochy poochy poo
If I were a razzle dazzle hunk
Hanky Panky Yankee lanky man

I see my friend, ol'Albus, looking sour and green-eyed
Acting oh so proper an' prim
And that buffoon Gilderoy eating out his heart.
I see them putting on airs and calling me a rascal
Oy! Since when was that so grim!
Popularity, ain't no sin - in fact its art!

The newspapers would love me, reporters fawn on me!
They would ask me to pose for them
Like Casanova lover-boy
"Look this way please, Alastor..."
"Sexy smile please, Alastor..."
Posing is no problem, though interviewing - that's quite difficult
(Bla, bla, bla, bla, bla, bla)
But it won't make one bit of difference if I sprout a load of bull
When you're a hunk, they think you're smart as well

If I were gor-gee-ous, I could form my very own band
To stand on a stage and play,
And maybe have a top hit on the chart
I'd have my own owl site with fan post aplenty,
Be the biggest star of my day
And I wouldn't even need talent to play the part

If I were Gor-gee-ous,
Woo-hoo, wovey dovey baby smoochy oochy poochy poo
All day long I'd coochy - coochy -coo
If I was a fetching man.
I wouldn't need vigilance,
Woo-hoo, wovey dovey baby smoochy oochy poochy poo

Out of his reverie, morosely to JKR

Lady, bet I wouldn't have been locked up in my trunk,
If I'd been a smooth, fashionable hunk
So, would it spoil your vague mysterious plan,
If I were a fetching man?

To the tune of When a Felon's Not Engaged, from Gilbert & Sullivan's The Pirates of Penzance

THE SCENE: An office at the Ministry of Magic. ALASTOR MOODY had a seeming change of heart after completing mandated sensitivity training

MOODY
When dementors aren't engaged in soul-destroyment
Or in draining out each happy thought they can
Our ear toward their rich culture is with joy bent
As love and peace they spread through Azkaban
We must embrace each Dark Lord as our brother
Stereotyping of Death Eaters we reject
We must make sure that we don't label them The Other
We Aurors should be politically correct

Oh! We don't advocate a jingoistic Dark Arts Defense
We must heed the call for Constant Tolerance

Although Dark Wizards try at times to kill us
Or to hurt us with an Unforgiven Curse,
'Tis a sensitive thought certain to fulfill us
If we celebrate the ways that they're diverse
When a Red Cap feasts on bodies after battle
That's a lifestyle choice that we should all respect
The differences 'twixt Dark and Light we'll straddle
All Aurors shall be politically correct

Oh! When Lord Voldemort next strikes at us with murderous force
We must ask ourselves how we've wronged him, of course.

Exit, skipping merrily

NOTE: Although Moody's consciousness may appear to have been raised, he was actually put under a mild Confundus Charm, which wore off in a couple of hours - after which he went back to detesting and loathing all Dark Wizards and creatures, as a good Auror should.

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