Minerva McGonagall

A filk by Red Scharlach to the tune of Delilah by Tom Jones

Enter HARRY and a Chorus of Gryffindor students

HARRY:
She saw me breaking the rules as I flew by her window
I thought that I would be kicked out of Hogwarts for sure
I was mistaken
She made me Seeker and I knew her motives were pure

My, my, my, Minerva
I can say with fervour
You could see
How brilliant at Quidditch I'd be
So thank you Minerva, you'll always be all right by me

GRYFFINDORS:
We're in good hands when she's teaching us Transfiguration
Making a mouse from a snuff-box or something like that
Behind those glasses
She may seem strict but she's really an old pussycat

My, my, my, Minerva
We just don't deserve her
We adore
The head of old Gryffindor
Three cheers for Minerva, she'll help us to beat Voldemort
Three cheers for Minerva, she'll help us to beat Voldemort!

Exit Harry and Company

A filk by Kelly Lasiter to the tune of Angel by Sarah McLachlan

HARRY:
School rules we were breaking,
Risking Basilisk's glance,
For Hermione'd been Petrified.
And we thought Moaning Myrtle
Might know something of use,
For 'twas at the Heir's hands she had died.
We ran down the hallway
And trouble was there. McGonagall stood in our way;
"What are you doing?
She asked us, and I lied,
Said, "We're going to see Herm tonight."

In the eyes of Minerva,
I can see a tear.
In that hard-nosed professor
There may be a soft heart, I do fear.
Behind tortoise-shell glasses
There's a glistening I can see
In the eyes of Minerva,
I could swear I just saw a tear.

Final match against Slytherin,
For the school Quidditch Cup,
And the Gryffs haven't won it in years.
And with Wood graduating
This may be our last chance.
It's the last time that we'll all be here.
When the Gryffs were up sixty,
I lunged for the Snitch,
Then I held that ball in my hands,
And there was Minerva--
She was sobbing like mad
Into a red-and-gold flag in the stands.

In the eyes of Minerva,
I can see a tear.
In that hard-nosed professor
There may be a soft heart, I do fear.
Behind tortoise-shell glasses
There's a glistening I can see
In the eyes of Minerva,
I could swear I just saw a tear.

In the eyes of Minerva,
I could swear I just saw a tear.

A filk by Haggridd based on New Math by Tom Lehrer

NOTE: Italicized sections are spoken

SCENE: Professor MINERVA MCGONAGALL is giving a lecture to her students:

Transfiguration is some of the most complex and dangerous magic you will learn at Hogwarts. Anyone messing around in my class will leave and not come back. You have been warned. It is important that you understand what you're doing rather than just get the right answer. Consider the following Transfiguration problem: turn a tortoise into a teapot

Now, teapots cannot walk,
So they don't need feet,
So you remove four tiny tortoise feet.
Now likewise, there's no nose,
So you give them a spout,
Regroup, and you change their tops into lids,
And you add handles right there at the back,
And you take away tails, that's fine.
Is that clear?

Now instead of a mouth in its face
You've a spout,
'Cause you need liquid,
That is to say, tea, to come out,
But you can't make tortoise-shell tea,
So you make a ceramic shell.

You can then boil the water
To make tea...
(And you know why you just cannot pour boiling water
Directly into a tortoise shell?
Because you will end up with tortoise soup, right!)...
And so you've got tortoise shells,
And you take away the tops, and that leaves tea...

Well, soup actually. You see why organization is the important thing?

Now go back to the ceramic shell,
And you're almost done,
And you make a pretty design,
And that leaves...?

Everybody get a teapot? No, Master Longbottom, it is not supposed to be a tortoise that breathes steam.

Transfiguration,
Transformation,
It really takes a lot of imagination.
It's not simple,
Not very simple;
Master Longbottom cannot do it!

Now, actually, that is not the answer that I had in mind, because in the book that I got this spell out of, Emeric Switch's "A Beginner's Guide To Transfiguration", they want you to turn a guinea-fowl into a guinea-pig. But don't panic. The basic principles are the same. Shall we have a go at it? Hang on......

A guinea-pig can't fly,
Flying is for birds,
So you change the bird to a mammal.
Now it doesn't have ears,
So you give it pig's ears,
Regroup and you conjure up a pigtail,
And you add it to its rump,
And you get a little tail,
Which should not be curled,
And you take away the corkscrew shape.

Okay?

Now, instead of two feet, called talons,
You've got four.
'Cause you added two
That is to say, hooves, to the two
Talons, but you can't add any more feet,
Or you might end up with insects.

Insects? "How did insects get into it?" I hear you cry. Well, insects and arachnids will be for next year, don't you know? So if you have any more silly questions, ask Miss Granger for the answers.

From the feet you then go right
To its face,
And you turn its beak to a nose,
And you get a guinea-pig's snout.

Or, in other words,
Guinea-fowl have only two feet,
And you then add two more feet,
And two feet plus two more feet is four.

Now forget about the insects,
And we're left with skin,
And you change feathers into fur,
And that leaves...?

Now, let's not always see the same hands. Right, Miss Granger? No, Master Longbottom, your teapot is not supposed to have feathers.

Transfiguration,
Transformation,
It really takes a lot of determination.
It's not simple,
Not very simple;
Master Longbottom cannot do it!

An original poem by Swissmiss

Ears slide up
Pointed tips

Hair draws in
Fur sprouts out

Elbows high
Shoulders squeeze

Legs crouch down
Hips turn in

Tailbone grows
Twitches, curls

Nose gets wet
Smells rush in

Small sharp teeth
Whiskers prick

Paper tongue
Long and lean

Big round eyes
See the dark

Fingers shrink
Nails like pins

Siren voice
Shapeless words

Small and lean
Witch is cat