Gilderoy Lockhart

Harry Potter and the Half-Bloond Prince

Image © 2004 by AgiVega

* = Post-OOP

Copyright 2002, 2004 by Caius Marcius, except C'est Moi Copyright 2002 by Elspeth; Magical Me! Copyright 2002 by RosieG; Gilderoy, Lockhart's a Fool/He's So Smarmy, Lockhart the Dark Arts Teacher, Year With The Yeti and You're So Vain Copyright 2002 by Gail; My Robes are Lilac Copyright 2002-2003 by Lilac; Lockhart Copyright 2002 by Nicole Lyon; Dark Defense Tutorial Copyright 2002 by Pippin; The Great Hall of Hogwarts and Lockhart Got Run Over By the Knight Bus Copyright 2002 by Big Head Girl and MagicPoni; The Gilderoy Lockhart Song Copyright 2003 by mlle bienvenu; Gilderoy Lockhart Copyright 2003 by Jassie; Whose Line is it Anyways? Copyright 2004 by Willow; The Dithering Defense Teacher of the Dark Arts Copyright 2004 by Ginger; You're So Vain Copyright 2004 by Ravenclaw Bookworm

A filk by Pippin to the tune of I Am the Very Model of a Modern Major General from Gilbert and Sullivan's The Pirates of Penzance

The Scene: Lockhart's Office, September, 1992. Lockhart sings while putting up posters and photographs of himself. The images join in on the chorus

LOCKHART:
I'll teach the very model of a Dark Defense tutorial
I'll cover subjects vegetable animal and mineral
I know the spooks of England, and the lore of beasts fantastical
From to Augureys to Unicorns in order alphabetical
I'm very well acquainted too with matters on the Quidditch pitch
I could have played for England if I hadn't caught the Dark Arts itch
And when it comes to potions I am teeming with a lot of brews
Restoratative draughts are something I can whip up while I snooze

ALL:
Restoratative draughts are something we can whip up while we snooze

LOCKHART
Oh I have even cured a werewolf having mastered Homorphus
And I've dealt with a vampire so that he could only suck lettuce
In short in matters sorcerous tenebrous and black magical
I'll teach the very model of a Dark Defense tutorial

ALL:
In short in matters sorcerous tenebrous and black magical
We'll teach the very model of a Dark Defense tutorial

WIZARD CALENDAR PAGES flip past to June: Ron and Harry have come to offer their help in rescuing Ginny. Lockhart sings a reprise as he packs

LOCKHART:
Oh I've a real talent when it comes to turning pixies loose
For dimly signing forged requests for students wanting Polyjuice
And whilst I gladly act out all the scenes from my collected books
If you believe I did that stuff you really are a pair of schnooks.

RON AND HARRY:
And while he gladly acts out all the scenes from his collected books
If we believe he did that stuff we really are a pair of schnooks?

LOCKHART:
In fact if I knew what was meant by kneazle and Abraxian
If I could tell at sight a hippocampus from a pogrebin
And if I knew precisely how the leprechaun can do its tricks
And if in facing basilisks no other Auror took such risks
If I had learned what progress has been made in fighting You-Know-Who
And if my lilac robes had all assumed a much more modest hue
In short if I'd a smattering of dark arts fighting strategy
I wouldn't have to hex you both and say it was a tragedy.

RON AND HARRY:
He's going to try and hex us both and say it was a tragedy

LOCKHART:
For though I've boasted daily in my Dark Defense tutorial
My dark arts fighting knowledge, I'm afraid, is rather minimal
Besides the winning smile with which I hawk my wares authorial
The only skill I really have is with my charms memorial

Harry performs Expelliarmus and Lockhart's wand flies from his hand

RON AND HARRY:
If he had mastered magic other than his charms memorial
We'd say there never was a better Dark Defense tutorial

A filk by Ginger to the tune of The Yodeling Veteranarian of the Alps from VeggieTales

The barbershop quartet, composed of Ron, Seamus, Dean and Neville serves as the narrator, singing from offstage. Other scenes as noted.

QUARTET:
Hmm, mmm.
There lived a man whose daring deeds
Were literary quote.
His dashing style, and charming smile,
Of which Weekly took note.

He took a job at Hogwarts School
Where Potter did attend.
He took the post (declined by most)
'Gainst the Dark Arts to defend.
Whoa, oh...

LOCKHART (in the classroom):
This is a spell used for freezing pixies.
They are from Cornwall
And electric blue.
But when I cast
This spell on the pixies,
They should be frozen
For a day or two.

Peskipixiepeskipixiepestermeno,
Peskipixiepeskipixiepesterno.
Peskipixiepeskipixiepestermeno,
Peskipixiepeskipixiepesterno.

HERMIONE: (to Harry)
He's quite a brilliant teacher.
No need to be so snide.
This is just a textbook lecture
With some practice on the side.

QUARTET:
Hmm, mmm.
His helping reputation
Caused the teachers all to duck.
For anything that Lockhart touched
Would surely run amok.

Some would hide their cauldrons
While others held their hearts
In the vicinity of the
Dithering Defense Teacher of the Dark Arts.
Whoa, oh.

HERMIONE:
Good news on the pixies, Sir,
They're caged and glowing.

LOCKHART (on the Quidditch pitch):
This is a spell for your broken forearm.
It's hanging limply
And a bit askew.
But when I cast
This spell on your forearm,
It will feel better
In a day or two.

Ulnaradiulnaradiulnaregrow,
Ulnaradiulnaradiulnagrow.
Ulnaradiulnaradiulnaregrow,
Ulnaradiulnaradiulnagrow.

HERMIONE:
It seems to have failed,
Just a little bitty.
Let's go and see the nurse,
Maybe Pomfrey will have pity.

QUARTET:
Hmm, mmm.
His ego grew, with much ado,
Until that fateful day
When little Ginny Weasley
Met a serpentine delay.

All gathered in the classroom
The professors pooled their smarts.
(Snape said)
Go play! Your way!
To the man who's the
Dithering Defense Teacher of the Dark Arts.
Whoa, oh....

HARRY (in the tunnel):
Bad news on the monster, Sir,
We're much too late.
Six victims.
Next one could be you.

LOCKHART:
This is a spell to remove your memory.
Obliviation is my forte true.
And when I cast
This spell on your memory,
You won't remember
The last day or two.

Memomemomemomemomemorygo,
Memomemomemomemomem'rygo.
Memomemomemomemomemorygo,
Memomemomemomemomemr'ygo.

HARRY:
Oh, yeah, that sure did it.
We're good.

LOCKHART:
Meme, memo,
No, wait, this should work! meme, mememo...

QUARTET:
Hmm, mmm.
Now the moral of the story,
Was where Lockhart was waylaid:
When you mess with people's memories
Best make sure your wand's well made.

LOCKHART:
Meme, meme, mummy, mummy...

QUARTET:
Some would hide their cauldrons
While some would hold their hearts
In the vicinity of the
Dithering Defense Teacher of the Dark Arts.

A filk (my first ever!) by mlle bienvenu based on The Elephant by Flanders & Swann (a very funny song in its own right!)

LOCKHART
Being a famous sorcerer is incredible, not slow
I've been a sorcerer all me life so I blooming well ought to know.

They never forget my name or face, ooooh!
They follow me from place to place, ooooh!
I, of course, am smiling wide
And gracefully will swell with pride
the publicity that spreads my fame
from all the books that bear my name, ooooh!

And all because a perfect smile got me in Witch Weekly.
But that wasn't enough for me!

So I'm suffering from amnesia
My mind's a perfect blank!
Now life is very much easier
And Weasley's wand's to thank;
I'm being psychoanalyzed,
I lie on a divan
And flash a smile and try to look charming as I can!

I'm an Extroverted, Gilderoy-centric, megalomaniac,
And I'll stick in St Mungo's hospital till I get me memory back!

I'm a kleptomaniac,
My charm, it never fails,
Obliviating their memories
So I can spin me tales;
I've stolen their achievements
The world will never guess
That ugly witches and wizards
Are the secret to success!

I'm an Extroverted, Gilderoy-centric, kleptomaniac,
And I'll stick in St. Mungo's Hospital till I get me memory back!

I suffer from megalomania
Head's as wide as it is long
Now I'm off to save Armenia
(or, that's what I tell the throng.)
I've saved them all from werewolves
(or at least that's what I wrote)
They never guess that all the time
I'm laughing in me throat!

I'm an Extroverted, Gilderoy-centric, Megalomaniac,
And I'll stick in St. Mungo's Hospital till I get me memory back!

(Hums very badly)
Practicing me charming winning smile!
(More humming very badly)
And I'll stick in St. Mungo's Hospital till I get me memory,
get me memory,
get me memory back!

A filk by Bighead Girl and MagicPoni to Barry Manilow's Copa Cabana

Scene: Book Two

HARRY:
His name was Gilderoy, he was a showgirl
With yellow curlers in his hair and a robe cut down to there
He would bring pixies and teach the Dark Arts
And while he tried to be a star, Weasley tried to fly the car
Across a crowded store, they headed for the door,
He was dumb and he had a mirror
Who could ask for more?

At the Great Hall, Great Hall of Hogwarts
The hottest spot north of the Dursleys
At the Great Hall, Great Hall of Hogwarts
Magic and fashion were always the passion
At the Great Hall .... they had a club

His name was Draco, he wore a serpent
He was believed to be the heir, he saw Harry standing there,
And when they dueled, he cast Serpensortia
But Sevie went a bit too far, Gilderoy almost reached the stars
And then the hexes flew and chairs were smashed in two
There was sparks and a single wand shot
But just who shot who?

At the Great Hall, Great Hall of Hogwarts
The hottest spot north of the Dursleys
At the Great Hall, Great Hall of Hogwarts
Magic and fashion were always the passion
At the Great Hall .... He lost his mind

His name is Gilderoy, he was a showgirl
But that was thirty years ago, when he used to have a foe
Now it's a chamber, but not for Gilderoy
Still in the robe he used to wear, faded curlers in his hair
He sits there so refined, and jinx himself half-blind
He lost his youth and he was a phony
Now he's lost his mind!

At the Great Hall, Great Hall of Hogwarts
The hottest spot north of the Dursleys
At the Great Hall Great Hall of Hogwarts
Magic and fashion were always the passion
At the Great hall.... Don't start a club
Don't start a club

A filk by Lilac to the tune of Green Grow the Lilacs, an old American folksong based on the 17th Century Scottish folksong Green Grow the Laurels

LOCKHART
My robes are lilac, the color I love.
When fans write to tell me what they're dreaming of,
I use lilac ink with a large peacock quill
To write them a thank-you for loving me still.

In turquoise robes immaculate I can flaunt,
My matching hat set at an angle that jaunts.
I also have robes of forget-me-not-blue
That match my eyes perfectly. Oh, what a hue!

And then there's my resplendent robes of deep plum;
At the dueling club I looked so very handsome.
Oh, let's not forget my robes of palest mauve.
And aquamarine robes suit me well, by Jove!

Jade green robes set off my wavy blond hair,
And midnight blue causes the witches to stare.
On Valentine's I wear my robes shocking pink,
Then flash all my teeth and give ladies a wink.

A filk by Nicole Lyon to the tune of Gaston from Disney's Beauty and the Beast.

SNAPE (his lip curling in an ugly sneer as he sings)
Gosh it disturbs me that you're here, Lockhart
Trying to teach 'bout Dark Arts
Every prof here'd like to slap you, Lockhart
Smack you so hard that it smarts
There's no wizard or witch as fraud'lent as you
You're certainly irksomely rich
Everyone's snowed and defrauded by you
And it's I who will become a snitch

No one's slick as Lockhart
No one tricks like Lockhart
No one's half as incredibly thick as Lockhart
For there's no wizard who's such a shyster
Absurd! Quite a pure come-on!
I'd like to ask Albus Dumbledore, "Sir,
How could you hire this joke?
Is your mind that far gone?"

MCGONAGALL, FLITWICK, SPROUT, HOOCH, et al:
No one cloys like Lockhart
And annoys like Lockhart

SNAPE:
No one's cheated the wizarding world like Lockhart!

LOCKHART (polishing his nails on his lilac robes)
As a fashion plate, yes, I'm coordinated!

SNAPE AND THE PROFESSORS:
My, what a fraud, that Lockhart!
Cast five curses! Cast one great hex!

SNAPE:
Lockhart alone holds the great power to vex!

BESOTTED WITCHES, including MOLLY WEASLEY (swooning and fanning themselves)
No one charms like Lockhart
Can disarm like Lockhart

SNAPE:
In a dueling match, nobody bites like Lockhart

WITCHES
For there's no one as sexy and studly

LOCKHART (beaming and winking)
As you see, my smile is so blinding

SNAPE (snarling)
The witches think he's precious and cuddly

LOCKHART
That's right! And every last witch I will be spell-binding!

THE PROFS (looks of scorn on their faces)
A nitwit, this Lockhart

SNAPE:
World's great twit, this Lockhart

HARRY & RON (disgusted)
From a basilisk, nobody splits like Lockhart

LOCKHART (glancing over his shoulder and trembling in fear)
I'm especially good at turning and fleeing Mummy!

SNAPE, PROFS, HARRY, AND RON:
Good riddance, Lockhart!

LOCKHART (reminiscing)
When I was a lad I dreamt of wealth and fame
And a mouthful of teeth like great pearls
And now that I'm grown
Everything is a game
At which I always win all the girls!

SNAPE, PROFS, HARRY & RON:
No one fibs like Lockhart
Is as glib as Lockhart

SNAPE:
Or goes traveling plagiarizing like Lockhart

LOCKHART (leaning in and conspiratorially shielding the side of his mouth facing the rest of the company)
I use conditioner to keep my locks gleaming!

SNAPE, PROFS, HARRY & RON:
My what a fraud-Lockhart!

As they hold onto the last note, Lockhart is smiling and waving, Miss America-style. The rest of the company lifts their wands simultaneously and points them at Lockhart, who disappears in a puff of lilac-colored smoke.

A filk by Jassie to the tune of Busted's What I Go To School For

His voice is echoed in my mind
I count the days til he is mine
Can't tell my friends cause they will laugh
I love a member of the staff
I always sit up front of class
When we have Defense I'm there so fast
We once had a pixie disaster
He's such a dreamy superstar

That's what I go to school for
Even though it is a real bore
Though he is self-centered
The Dueling Club I entered
That's what I go to school for
Even though it is a real bore
Boyfriends I have had nil
But I really want Gil
That's what I go to school for
That's what I go to school for

So he may be forty-three
But that doesn't bother me
He writes best sellers 'bout himself
Shame he's lacking in his stealth
I hover outside his office door
I'm aware stalking's against the law
I am in hospital oh no
I keep his card 'neath my pillow

That's what I go to school for
Even though it is a real bore
Though he is self-centered
The Dueling club I entered
That's what I go to school for
Even though it is a real bore

Boyfriends I have had nil
But I really want Gil
That's what I go to school for
Everyone that you've got for class sees you signing all those autographs

Snape saw the wink you gave me with your eye
I can see those telltale signs
Telling me that you're out of your mind
I could see you wanted more fame
When Ron told me you were letting Ginny get maimed
Gonna let Ginny get maimed
You packed your stuff up in a trunk
Off to St. Mungo's hope you flunk
They decided to fly you passed the school
My friends they're thinking "So not cool!"

That's what I go to school for
Even though it is a real bore
Though he is self-centered
The Dueling club I entered
That's what I go to school for
Even though it is a real bore
Boyfriends I have had nil
But I really want Gil
That's what I go to school for
That's what I go to school for

A filk by Ravenclaw Bookworm to the tune of the same name

I heard Carly Simon on the radio the other day and immediately thought of our friend Gilderoy.

You walked into the classroom like you were starting an adventure.
Your curls strategically draped o'er the brow,
Your gown it was lavender.
You had one eye in the mirror as you watched yourself enter.
And all the girls sighed with stars in their eyes,
Stars in their eyes, and....

You're so vain, you probably think this song is about you.
You're so vain, I'll bet you think this song is about you,
Don't you? Don't you?

You wrote books several years ago thinking we are quite naive;
Well you said that you had done those things
and you collected royalties.

But you gave away yourself one night, erasing the memories
Of Harry and Ron, while rescuing Ginny, rescuing Ginny, and....

You're so vain, you probably think this song is about you.....

Well I hear you went up to St. Mungo's and practiced your signature.
You still think you're an important person, reputation is still pure.
Well, you're where you should be all of the time.
We're wondering if you'll be back in Book 6,
Cursing DEs, and the bane of the Order
Bane of the Order, and....

You're so vain, you probably think this song is about you.....

A filk by Bighead Girl and MagicPoni to Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer

Enter HARRY, RON & DUMBLEDORE

HARRY:
Lockhart got run over by the Knight Bus,
Walking home from the Weasleys Christmas Eve,
You can say there's no such thing as Nighties,
But as for me and Albus, we believe.

He's been drinkin' too much butterbeer
(sarcastically) And we begged him not to go,
But we gave him medication
And he staggered out the door into the snow.

When we found him Christmas morning,
At the scene of the attack,
He had tire marks on his forehead,
And incriminating Shunpikes on his back.

Lockhart got run over by the Knight Bus,
Walking home from the Weasleys Christmas Eve,
You can say there's no such thing as Nighties,
But as for me and Albus, we believe.

RON:
Now we're all so proud of Harry,
He's been taking it so well,
See him in there watchin' Quidditch,
Drinkin' juice and playing snap with Profesor Al.(+albus+)

It's not Christmas without Lockhart,
All the Slytherins are dressed in black, (+duh+)
And we just can't help but wonder,
Should we open his fan mail or send it back?

DUMBLEDORE & HARRY:
SEND IT BACK!!!!!

HARRY:
Lockhart got run over by the Knight Bus,
Walking home from the Weasleys Christmas Eve,
You can say there's no such thing as Nighties,
But as for me and Albus, we believe.

Now the goose is on the table,
And the pudding made of fig, (ahh)
And the gold and silver candles
That would just matched the hair in Lockhart's wig.

DUMBLEDORE
I've warned all my friends and students,
"Better watch out for yourselves",
They should never give a license
To Severus Snape, Minerva, and Myself

HARRY:
Lockhart got run over by the Knight Bus,
Walking home from the Weasleys Christmas Eve,
You can say there's no such thing as Nighties,
But as for me and Albus, we believe.

RON
SING IT Albus!

DUMBLEDORE & HARRY:
Lockhart got run over by the Knight Bus,
Walking home from the Weasleys Christmas Eve,
You can say there's no such thing as Nighties,
But as for me and Albus/Harry, we believe.

ALL
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!

A filk by Willow to the tune of the Irish Drinking song from Whose Line is it Anyways?

I had this inspiration a while back while watching Whose Line is it Anyways? during their final round, which was the category of Irish drinking song because the series of names fit so perfectly into the refrain.

SCENE: There is a stage set up in the back of The Three Broomsticks, and with full tankards of Butterbeer, LOCKHART (who has mysteriously regained his memory for this song), RON, HARRY & HERMIONE troop on to the stage and begin to sing.

Refrain:
Oh I hate Potter, Weasley, Granger, Malfoy, Hagrid, Snape!
Yes I hate Potter, Weasley, Granger, Malfoy, Hagrid, Snape!

LOCKHART:
My Name is Gilderoy Lockhart, and I've saved a lot of folks,
I'm really good at memory charms, they never saw the hoax!
But Since a short trip down a pipe, my memory's gone black,
And thanks to Weasley's malfunctioning wand, I have to get it back!

Refrain

RON:
My name is Ronald Weasley, and I hate that Lockhart git,
He tried to be "intelligent", he really doesn't know sh *BEEP*
He tried to leave my sister in a chamber deep and dark,
But then my wand backfired on him with a brilliant glowing spark!

Harry and Ron high-five

Refrain

HARRY:
My name is Harry Potter, and I hate that Lockhart man,
He tried to teach me all 'bout fame, as if he ever can!
He put me in the spotlight, which is where I hate to be,
And who was down in the chamber, no, it wasn't him it was me!(Ron nods fervently)

Refrain

HERMIONE:
My name's Hermione Granger, and I love my homework dear

HARRY & RON roll their eyes

And Lockhart is quite possibly, the best teacher of the year!

HARRY & RON give her odd looks

But he might have been quite stupid I was not there in the end,

LOCKHART looks quite put out

(meekly) And even though he had to leave, he still can be our friend?

All three men smack their foreheads

REFRAIN:
Oh I hate Potter, Weasley, Granger, Malfoy, Hagrid, Snape!
Yes I hate Potter, Weasley, Granger, Malfoy, Hagrid, Snape!
Malfooooooy, Hagriiiiiiiiiiiiiiid, SNAAAAAAAAAAAPE!

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