All the Creatures in the World by Angela Boyko
Dragon Song by Chris Malme
Rubeus by Pippin
Big Machine by Nicole Lyon
Beak to Beak
Just One of Those Things
Blast-Ended Skrewt
Me And My Baby
Wizard School Dropout by David P.
*Madame Maxime by Alessandra C.
C'est Gigantique by Haggridd
*The Fool in the Hut by Stella
*Rubeus Hagrid by Marci
**What Goes On (in Hagrid's Head) by ewe2
*If I Were a Wizard by Cindysphynx
*The Giant Sleeps Tonight by Richard
**I Love My Mum by Ginger
***I Want a Hippogriffy Beast for Christmas by Louise Freeman Davis
* = post-OOP
** = post-HBP
*** = post-DH
Copyright 2000-2003 by Caius Marcius, except All the Creatures in the World Copyright 2001 by Angela Boyko; Dragon Song Copyright 2001 by Chris Malme; Big Machine Copyright 2002 by Nicole Lyon; Rubeus Copyright 2002 by Pippin; C'est Gigantique Copyright 2003 by Haggridd; Wizard School Dropout Copyright 2003 by David P. ; The Fool in the Hut Copyright 2003 by Stella; Rubeus Hagrid Copyright 2004 by Marci; If I Were a Wizard Copyright 2004 by Cindysphynx; The Giant Sleeps Tonight Copyright 2004 by Richard; What Goes On (in Hagrid's Head) Copyright 2005 by ewe2; Madame Maxime Copyright 2005 by Alessandra C.; I Love My Mum Copyright 2006 by Ginger; I Want a Hippogriffy Beast for Christmas Copyright 2007 by Louise Freeman Davis
A filk by Angela Boyko to the tune of Calendar Girl by Neil Sedaka
THE SCENE: The last Care of Magical Creatures class for the year. Harry, Hermione, and Ron help Hagrid clean up after another Blast-Ended Skrewt 'incident'
RON: Hagrid, your classes are always "interesting", to say the least. When do we study hamsters?
HERMIONE: The library has Hamsters and Gerbils and Guinea Pigs, Oh My!, Ron
HARRY: Ever reckon you'd be the Magical Creatures prof, Hagrid?
HAGRID (blushing): It's all thanks to that great man, Albus Dumbledore
RON: Well, you're the best man for the job!
HAGRID: Well, I do have a fancy for lots of creatures ...
(THE KIDS): No! Go on!
HAGRID: Well ...
Sprightly music starts
HAGRID
I love, I love, I love the little creatures,
Yeah, all sorts of creatures
I love, I love, I love the big creatures too
I love all the creatures in the world!
THE KIDS: Spiders!
HAGRID: Cute and covered with fuzz
THE KIDS: Cornish Pixies!
HAGRID: They got me all abuzz
THE KIDS: Snakes!
HAGRID: They like to lovingly entwine
THE KIDS: Dragons!
HAGRID: They make the cutest babies, oh so fine!
Yeah, yeah, all the creatures in the world!
I love to hug and cuddle them in my great big arms
Every one (THE KIDS: Every one!) in the world!
THE KIDS: Animagi!
HAGRID: Who they are can be a great surprise
THE KIDS: Owls!
HAGRID: Deliverin' messages and lookin' wise
THE KIDS: Banshees!
HAGRID: I think they're just misunderstood
THE KIDS: Centaurs!
HAGRID: Coolest pals in the neighbourhood
Yeah, yeah, all the creatures in the world!
I love to hug and cuddle them in my great big arms
Every one (THE KIDS: Every one!) in the world!
THE KIDS: Those bleeping Skrewts!
HAGRID: I love to watch them eat a ton of slugs
THE KIDS: Basilisks!
HAGRID: They really need a lot of tender hugs
THE KIDS: Unicorns!
HAGRID: They're shiny and pretty and they glow!
THE KIDS: Hippogriffs!
HAGRID: Grandest creatures and quite a fierce foe
Yeah, yeah, all the creatures in the world!
I love to hug and cuddle them in my great big arms
Every one (THE KIDS: Every one!) in the world!
HAGRID
Dreams are nothing more than wishes
And a wish is just a dream you wish to come true
If only I could have a dragon
That would be some cause for braggin'
Just to have some company
Who'll boil my kettle for my tea
I'd take my dragon everywhere
La la la la la, I wouldn't care
Crowds would stay away from us
For flaming nostrils they distrust
But me... I know he'll never scorch me...
See... I know he'll never scorch me...
If only I could have a chum
To play with when my work is done
He'd sit here balanced on my knee
And share a bit of cake with me
I'd take my Norbert everywhere
La la la la I wouldn't care
And we will stay away from crowds
And rules sayin' "Dragons not allowed"
I see... I guess that must include me....
But we... we were so happy to be...
But dreams are nothing more than wishes
And a wish is just a dream you wish to come true
Dreams are nothing more than wishes
(Your wish will come true)
And a wish is just a dream (Your wish will come true)
You wish to come true (Your wish will come true)
A filk by Pippin to the tune of Julia, by the Beatles
Half of what they say is meaningless
But they say she's bound to grease you, Rubeus
Rubeus, Rubeus, something wild mauls him
Will some things with fangs and stings kill Rubeus?
Rubeus, beetle eyes, giant smile, touch me
Will Olympe be bereaved of Rubeus?
I sense his chances growing dimmering
Glimmering, one by one
Rubeus, hippogryphs, flaming skrewts gnaw him
But it's just another day for Rubeus
When I eat his treacle tart
I can't pry my jaws apart, Rubeus
Rubeus, Rubeus thoughts of doom touch me
Must we say a sad farewell to Rubeus
A filk by Nicole Lyon to the tune of Big Machine by the Goo Goo Dolls
HAGRID:
Gasoline is all you need
When you ride a big machine
Say the Muggles
But my friend's bike needs no gas
And it's really, really fast
It's very cool
His motor bike makes me drool
It's very big and quite loud
Makes Sirius stand out in a crowd
Oh I'm so jealous
Big enough for me to ride
I know that because I've tried
His bike's the best
There's no doubt it beats the rest
I love that big bike
You know I wish it was mine
I'd ride it often
You know I wish it was mine
I'm telling you, it's no lie
On that motor bike you fly
Oh I'm so jealous
You can fly from here to there
You can fly it anywhere
It beats a broom
That wood stick just lacks the vroom
Handles great, just like a dream
Makes the pretty witches scream
A real chick magnet
Keeping grounds sure don't pay much
But it pays the bills and such
Maybe a loan
Then I'll get one of my own
I love that big bike
You know I wish it was mine
I'd ride it often
You know I wish it was mine
You know I wish it was mine
You know I wish it was mine
To the tune of Irving Berlin's Cheek to Cheek
THE SCENE: In front of Hagrid's hut: Enter HAGRID, with Buckbeak in tow
HAGRID
Hagrid - I'm just Hagrid
My menagerie of creatures is unique
So please drop by some time and take a peak
At my hippogriffs out grazing beak to beak
Oh, I love raising giant spiders
Or a litter of werewolf cubs
Or hatching a baby dragon egg
They gave me at the pub
Enter HARRY, RON & HERMIONE
TRIO
They may be splendid as a unicorn
Or as ugly as a skrewt
Or as weird as a three-headed dog
But to Hagrid, they're all cute
Hagrid - that's our Hagrid!
Drop by his hut sometime and take a peek
But please stay home if you're inclined to shriek
Or you'll rest at Madame Pomfrey's for a week
They may be terrifying horrors
But they turn Hagrid's heart to mush
HAGRID & TRIO
I'm/He's a guy who goes through life
With a giant monster crush.
To the tune of Cole Porter's Just One of Those Things
THE SCENE: HAGRID's hut. HAGRID is relaxing contentedly as his door is burst open by the TRIO, in a state of great agitation.
HARRY: Hagrid, you're back! Thank goodness you're OK!
RON: They said that some horrible beast seized you last night and dragged you off deep into the Forbidden Forest!
HERMIONE: Hagrid, what was it?
HAGRID (music)
It was just one of those Things
Just one with those bat-like wings
One of those creatures so interesting
Just one of those Things
It was just one of those frights
Just one of those hideous blights
Something straight out of The Lord of the Rings
Just one of those Things
And it threw a fit when it scratched and bit
As we wrestled over the ground
I was close to death for its raging breath
Was too hot, wouldn't cool down
It was gruesome and a threat
I'm hoping it'll be a great pet
It is such fun
'Cause it is just one of those Things
Enter The Thing, which bounds over to HAGRID, and nuzzles him affectionately. Exit the TRIO, screaming in horror
To the tune of the Beach Boys' Little Duece Coup
THE SCENE: Outside HAGRID's cabin. Enter HAGRID, with a Blast-Ended Skrewt in tow. Following, as a reluctant backup chorus, HARRY, RON & HERMIONE, each with a Skrewt of their own on lead
HAGRID
I'm not braggin' here but I'm making folks talk
Whenever I take my critter pal for a walk
She always makes her impact sensationally
'Cause she's so good at incineration, you see
ALL
She's my/his Blast-Ended Skrewt
You can tell that she's hot
HAGRID
Just a Blast-Ended Skrewt lacking all mouthparts
But she'll double soon in size like the Chicken Heart
She simmers and smolders and she'll roast and she'll blaze
She's everything you need for hosting auto-de-fés
ALL
She's my/his Blast-Ended Skrewt
You can tell that she's hot
HAGRID
When in The Forbidden Forest on a camping trip
Forgot to bring my matches, couldn't find two sticks
But thanks to our Skrewt, our meals were well-done
Though we got a nasty look from Smokey the Bear
She likes a Fahrenheit that would melt igneous rocks
But she'll let you take her home and nail her up in a box
And even though she may singe and scorch
She's a creature for whom I'll always carry a torch
TRIO
She's his Blast-Ended Skrewt
You can have the whole lot
She's his Blast-Ended Skrewt
You can have the whole lot
To the tune of Me And My Baby from Chicago (the stage version, not used in the film)
THE SCENE: Hagrid's hut. Enter HAGRID, carrying what appears to be a chicken egg. He has just returned from a disreputable Knockturn Alley pub where he won the egg - which the owner swore spent considerable time underneath a toad - in a game of wizard poker. HAGRID is sure the egg will produce some fabulous Fantastic Beast
HAGRID
Me and my baby
My baby and me
She's just as rabied
As rabied can be
What if I find
That I'm breaking the law?
Battle lines
I'll redefine
And fight for baby tooth and claw
She's kicking her shell now
And won't it be fun
All my friends tell now
The hatching's begun
Tell the DRC she's just a Doxy
'Cause I've got my baby
My fierce little baby
Look at my baby and me
Look at my baby
My baby and me
A beast not a being
From bestiaries.
Do not tell MOM
For there's something to hide
It could mean jail
If wings and tail
Within my hut I let reside
If she's obscurer
And unclassified
I will procure her
An unabridged guide
Though I lost Norbert
Here's my new "pur-tee"
It's my little baby
My mean little baby
Look at my baby and me
Look at my baby
My baby and me
Fazing the world
Interestingle-y
Nothing can stop her
So nobody try
'Cause baby wrecks
And has five "X"
And incidentally, so do I!
Get out of our way, folks
And give her some space
Watch how she burbles
Before she gives chase
This is my mission
To keep her happy
Me and my baby
My manticore baby
My 'mantula baby
My Vipertooth baby
My Occamy baby
My Quintaped baby
My Basilisk baby
My Blast-Ended baby
Look out for baby and me!
The egg hatches. To HAGRID's infinite disappointment, his chicken egg produces an actual chicken. Sighing deeply, he feeds the chick to one of his hippogriffs.
NOTE: DRC refers to the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures
A filk by David P. to the tune of Beauty School Dropout from Grease
The Scene: The Hut on the Rock. Harry has just met Hagrid, and Hagrid has apologetically admitted that he was expelled from Hogwarts. A young man wearing a broad smile suddenly appears, and begins singing…(you should be able to figure out who the singer is…)
Your story sad to tell
A wizard ne'er do well
Most mixed-up monster breeder in third year
Your future's so unclear now
What's left of your career now
Your pets are horrid creatures that we fear
Wizard School Dropout
No Graduation Day for you
Wizard School Dropout
You're done with Charms and Potions too
You opened up the Chamber and your pet killed Moaning Myrtle
This never would have happened if you'd got yourself a turtle
Hagrid you've blown it (Hagrid you've blown it)
Soon you'll be off to Azkaban
But we should have known it (we should have known it)
`Cause you're half giant and half man
If you didn't breed such monsters we would have no trouble here
Forget your stupid pets and drink a butterbeer
Wizard school dropout, you'll end up Keeper of the Keys,
Wizard school dropout, what a waste of tuition fees.
Well they couldn't help you pass your O.W.L.S.
You let down all your teachers,
But what else could happen when you play with dark and deadly
creatures?
Hagrid, just shut it.
Don't bother making an excuse.
You'd never cut it;
Your magic wouldn't be much use
Now your wand is snapped,
The trial's wrapped,
You've done the worst you can;
Pack up your monster-box and head to Azkaban.
Hagrid, it's over.
There's nothing Dumbledore can do.
No, and moreover
You've heard it straight from You-Know-Who
Now I've cast my spell
So what the hell
You've heard enough from me
Gotta be goin' to enchant a diary
Somehow, Harry forgets the whole thing, which ends up causing untold grief and hardship a year later, once the Chamber of Secrets is opened
A filk by Alessandra C. to the tune of Belle (Reprise) from Disney's Beauty and the Beast.
HAGRID:
"Madame Maxime!"
Don' yeh find her sweet?
"Madame Maxime!"
From Beauxbattons.
Good Lord! She's here!
She's come, innit?
I wan' so much ter make o' her me wife.
I wan' me hut full o' big-boned children
I wan' it more than I can tell
I mus' really git me chance
It's time fer some romance
Me love I'll declare on the Yule night Ball.
A filk by Haggridd to the tune of C'est Magnifique from Cole Porter's Can-Can
SCENE: MADAME MAXIME sings a paean to her new beau from Hogwarts.
MADAME MAXIME:
When he walks by
He looks me in the eye.
Oo la la la
C'est Gi-gan-ti-que.
With grace and force
He tames my winged horses.
Oo la la
C'est Gi-gan-ti-que.
I do not ask;
He shows me the First Task.
Oo la la la
It is such ma-gi-que.
And best of all,
He whispers,
"HEY, OLYMPE, SHAKE A LEG! WE'RE GONNA BE LATE FOR THE BALL!"
C'est Gi-gan-ti-que.
A filk by Stella to the tune of The Fool on the Hill by the Beatles
Day after day, alone in the hall
A giant with a cardboard box is keeping perfectly still
Nobody wants to know him,
they can see that he's half giant
Eventually they expelled him
He's the fool in the hut
Who walks up the school grounds
And he uses his umbrella
To help him get around
Well on the way, he walks through the town
When Dumbledore walks up to him and says perfectly loud
"Hagrid, we need you to go and get the Potter boy"
He left and no one noticed
The fool in the hut
Who walks up the school grounds
And he uses his umbrella
To help him get around
A filk by Marci to the tune of Eleanor Rigby by the Beatles
Ah, look at all the fiery dragons
Ah, look at all the cuddly creatures
Rubeus Hagrid
Lives in a hut on the edge of a magical school
Fang always drools
Cannot do magic
He was expelled from the school as a lad of thirteen
Tom Riddle schemed
All the fiery dragons, I wish that I had one
All the cuddly creatures, blast-ended skrewts, what fun!
Hippogriffs, threstrals
Fluffy, the three-headed-dog; some creatures in his care
What's over there?
Norwegian Ridgeback
Don't you forget that huge spider he called Aragog
Keeps to the dark
All the fiery dragons, I wish I still had one
Monster Book of Monsters; It bites, it growls, what fun!
Ah, look at all the fiery dragons
Ah, look at all the cuddly creatures
His pink umbrella
Hides all the pieces of his wand that was so destroyed
When he was a boy
Who let him keep it?
The greatest Headmaster of Hogwarts the students adore
Albus Dumbledore
All the fiery dragons, one day I'll have me one
All the cuddly creatures, I love them all, what fun!
A filk by ewe2 to the tune of What Goes On by the Beatles
What goes on in Hagrid's head?
What's that growling from his shed?
Does he really think we care
For the Doxies in the air?
Maybe Hagrid's not all there...
The other day we went to class for Hagrid's big surprise
But Blast-End Skrewts exploding were not what we had in mind
Does he think the risk to students isn't so?
I don't know...
What goes on in Hagrid's mind?
Are there worse beasties to find?
Can't he take those eggs away
I'm afraid they'll hatch today
Not sure Hagrid's quite OK
A Hippogriff's ok if you're polite and take a bow
But Basilisks are nasty and I'm sure he's got one now
Just be careful not to look it in the eye
I know why...
What goes on in Hagrid's head?
nervous solo
We used to think that Hagrid was a stout and steady chap
But that's before we found a baby dragon on his lap
And his half-giant brother Grawp is throwing trees
Hagrid PLEASE!
What goes on in Hagrid's head?
We would like not to be dead
Acromantula's are bad
He's the only friend it had
I think Hagrid's barking mad
Really mad...
Off his perch...
Until we get a few more Grawp filks, they'll be posted here on his "big" (in terms of chronology, if not physicality) brother's page
A filk by Cindysphynx to the tune of If I Were a Rich Man, from Fiddler on the Roof
THE SCENE: Everyone's favorite character GRAWP romps merrily through the Forbidden Forest, dreaming of better days. Even Grawp should be allowed to dream, shouldn't he?
GRAWP:
If I were a wizard,
Gur ga gobble gobble, gibber gibber gobble gobble Gurg,
All day long I gabble gabble goo.
If I were smaller man.
I wouldn't be so clumsy,
Gur ga gobble gobble, gibber gibber gobble gobble Gurg,
If I were an itty bitty man,
Gubble gubble dobby dobby elf.
I'd . . . have . . . a . . . holly wand for stirring my cauldron,
So I could make a perfect drink.
Ten inches long with veela hair aglow.
There would be two foe glasses up on the wall,
And one you can see when lying down,
And one up on the ceiling, just for show.
I'd . . . fill . . . my . . . home with cats and dragons and toads
And owls for the town to see and hear.
Making such an ear-splitting din they can.
And each loud "mewl" and "hiss" and "croak" and "hoot,"
Would feel like a howler on the ear,
As if to say "Here lives a mystic man."
[refrain]
I . . . see . . . my . . . witch, my Hermee, looking like a wizard's
Wife with a proper set of books.
Telling Rita Skeeter what to write.
I see her casting charms and jinxes and hexes
Using an old pair of crochet hooks,
Freeing all our house elves late at night.
In . . . stead . . . I . . . must stay chained up deep in the Forest
Learning how a wizard should behave,
And maybe earn a seat in the Great Hall.
So then I'd see the headmaster and I've give him
A smile and a twinkle and a wave,
And that would be the sweetest thing of all.
[refrain]
A filk by Richard to the tune of The Lion Sleeps Tonight by George David Weiss, Hugo Peretti, and Luigi Creatore
In the forest, the mighty forest,
The giant sleeps tonight…
In the forest, the mighty forest,
The giant sleeps tonight
Near the school, the peaceful school,
The giant sleeps tonight,
Near the school, the peaceful school,
The giant sleeps tonight
Hush Hermione, don't fear Hermione,
The giant sleeps tonight
Hush Hermione, don't fear Hermione
The giant sleeps tonight
A filk by Ginger to the tune of I Love this Bar by Toby Keith
Somewhere in the depths of Romania, Norbert sits with his dragon buddies, each remembering the day he was hatched. Although Norbert realized that his Mum is a bit different than the scaly females who hatched his pals, he still has a soft spot in his heart for his Mummy.
NORBERT:
He likes monsters. He likes dragons.
Drinks his mead by the flagons.
Yeah, he likes spiders, big and scary.
Likes a kid name of Harry.
He's big and wide and some say he's real dumb.
Hmm, mmm, mmm, I love my Mum.
Yeah, he gave me my first Teddy.
Rocked me to sleep in my beddy.
Gave me dead rats, and good chew toys,
Although some tasted like school boys.
He said, "Don't nip at the redhead, he's my chum."
Hmm, mmm, mmm, I love my Mum.
I love my Mum.
It's no disgrace.
I get a tear remembering
His big ol' honest face.
I get lonesome for where I'm from.
Hmm, mmm, mmm, I love my Mum.
It don't matter if you're a leaper,
Runner, crawler or creeper.
If in the Forest, you're a-livin'
Love and protection he'll be givin'.
In my eyes, he's a bigger hero than Vic Krum.
Hmm, mmm, mmm, I love my Mum.
I liked his hut. (I LIKED that hut!)
I liked his three friends. ('Specially the redhead)
I liked the way he fed me dinner.
I liked the drinking at the end.
But I love my Mum.
That big, honest face.
Even though we're seperated
By lots and lots of space.
I know where I'm from; when I get glum...
Hmm, mmm, mmm, I love my Mum.
Hmm, mmm, mmm, I love my Mum.
Now I've got friends here of my own kind.
I've got a lil Swedish Short-Snout on my mind.
We've got food here for the eatin'
And internal combustion central heatin'.
I'd send an invitation if I thought he'd come.
Hmm, mmm, mmm, I love my Mum.
ad lib and fade
Ginger, who hopes Norbert will come back in Book 7.
A filk by Louise Freeman Davis to the tune of I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas
A third-year Hagrid, facing the holidays alone in Hogwarts, ponders his Christmas wish.
HAGRID:
I want a hippogriffy beast for Christmas. Only a hippogriffy beast will do.
No more werewolf cubs, or Blast-Ended Skrewts
But raisin'up a hippogriff'll help me pass me NEWTS
I want a hippogriffy beast for Christmas
I don' think Dumbledore'll mind, d'you?
I won' try ter take him through the portrait hole
He c'n live out in the forest, out where I go wrestle trolls!
I can see him now on Christmas morn by my four poster bed
I know how ter be polite so I'll bow an' he won' bite an' then I'll pet him an'
not wind up dead!
I want a hippogriffy beast for Christmas.
Only a hippogriffy beast will do.
Can't hatch a dragon, b'cause they are illegal,
So I'll settle fer a critter who's half horse and who's half eagle!
An' my hippogriff is gonna like me too!
musical interlude, played on carved flute
The prefects think the half-giant is a great big hairy joke,
But I'll teach my pet ter take a bite o' that Tom Riddle bloke!
musical interlude
He can go out at night an' hunt ferrets in the fog,
Then come back ter me cupboard and take tea wif Aragog!
I can see him now on Christmas morn by my four poster bed
I know how ter be polite so I'll bow an' he won' bite an' then I'll pet him and
not wind up dead!
I want a hippogriffy beast for Christmas. Only a hippogriffy beast will do.
Can't hatch a dragon, b'cause they are illegal,
So I'll settle fer a critter who's half horse an' who's half eagle!
An' my hippogriff is gonna like me too!