Ghosts and 'Geists

Pablo Picasso's Moaning Myrtle.

Image © 2004 Red Scharlach

Almost Like Eating Some Lunch
Pretty Fly (For A Dead Guy) by anno-neko
I Float On
He's Not There
Peeves the Poltergeist by Lilac
Magical History Bore
The Old Ghost Teacher
That Girl Who's Mean To Me by Lilac
*Look What Happened to Myrtle by Constance Vigilance

* = post-OOP

Copyright 2002-2003 by Caius Marcius except Pretty Fly (For A Dead Guy) Copyright 2002 by anna-neko; Peeves the Poltergeist and That Girl Who's Mean To Me Copyright 2002 by Lilac; Look What Happened to Myrtle Copyright 2003 by Constance Vigilance

Almost Like Eating Some Lunch

To the tune of Almost Like Being in Love from Lerner & Loewe's Brigadoon

THE SCENE: A Hogwarts Dungeon where a ghostly soiree is being held. The Four House Ghosts celebrate the meal that is about to be served.

FAT FRIAR:
When you're a ghost you lack the power
To hold a lavish banquet where we'd solid food devour
But there's a way we can contrive
To make it seem we're still alive

THE GRAY LADY
When we get an entrée in a state of decay
Why, it's almost like eating some lunch!

NEARLY HEADLESS NICK
When it exudes a stench that would make your teeth clench
Why, it's almost like eating some lunch!

BLOODY BARON:
All us spirits can then carry on if you serve up some rank carrion

ALL
And with the mildew and mold we forget that we're old
If the food is right rotten, then we've not quite forgotten
It's almost like eating some lunch

NEARLY HEADLESS NICK
We just can't stay morose

THE GRAY LADY:
If it's putrid and gross,
It is... almost like eating some lunch

FAT FRIAR:
For our fellowship grows as the snacks decompose

BLOODY BARON:
It is... almost like eating some lunch

NEARLY HEADLESS NICK:
All my senses reel as if drunk

THE GRAY LADY:
By a scent that resembles a skunk!

ALL:
And when the meal starts to spoil we feel as if we're royal

BLOODY BARON & NEARLY HEADLESS NICK:
Nothing's better, we're thinking

FAT FRIAR & THE GRAY LADY:
Than that corrosive stinking

ALL:
It's almost like eating some lunch!

The Four House Ghosts and their guests dig in

Pretty Fly (For A Dead Guy)

A filk by anna-neko to the tune of Pretty Fly (For A White Guy) by Offspring

GEORGE: Let's hear it for Sir Nicky
FLEUR: Uh huh, uh huh
FRED: Let's hear it for Sir Nicky
FLEUR: Uhhuh, uh huh
GEORGE: Let's hear it for Sir Nicky
FLEUR: Uh huh, uh huh

SIR NICHOLAS DE MIMSY-PROPINGTON:
And all the people say I'm pretty fly for a dead guy

FLEUR:
Un, deux, trios, quatre, cinq, cinq, six!

GEORGE:
You know its kinda hard just to live a life today
Our subject ain't alive, but wants to think it anyway!
He kinda lost his head, and he's been dead for quite a while
But everything he lacks, well he makes up in denial

GEORGE and FRED (chorus):
So don't delay, (go on) make your way
Nearly Headless Nick's celebrating his Deathday
He'll serve stinky meals, try to keep it real
For me no thanks! For me no thanks!
So if you lost your neck, forget that you are dead
At least you know you'll get picked on by George and Fred
Hogwarts needs wannabes
Hey, hey, do that Deathday thing!

GEORGE: Let's hear it for Sir Nicky
FLEUR: Uh huh, uh huh
FRED : Let's hear it for Sir Nicky
FLEUR: Uh huh, uh huh
GEORGE: Let's hear it for Sir Nicky
FLEUR: Uh huh, uh huh

SIR NICHOLAS DE MIMSY-PROPINGTON:
And all the people say I'm pretty fly for a dead guy

FRED :
He needs some awful music, else he couldn't feel the vibe
Couldn't find The Monster Mash so he brought it "semi" live
Now cruising in his airspace, thinks his music's really phat
Only if you're creepy will you think it's all that!

Now he'll turn five hundred ten yeah, since he "kinda" lost his head
He wanted a "hip" party, but his guests were "somewhat" dead
Ghosts say he's trying too hard and he's not quite there
But since he's a spook he…he doesn't really care!

GEORGE: Let's hear it for Sir Nicky
FLEUR: Uh huh, uh huh
FRED: Let's hear it for Sir Nicky
FLEUR: Uh huh, uh huh
GEORGE: Let's hear it for Sir Nicky
Fleur: uh huh, uh huh! Un, deux, trios, quatre, cinq, cinq, six!

I Float On

To the tune of I Move On from Kander & Ebb's Chicago (the film version)

THE SCENE: The Great Hall of Hogwarts, 3 a.m. - Enter that notorious poltergeist, PEEVES

PEEVES
When banned from feasts at Hogwarts School, I won't remain withdrawn,
I just float on.
Should I receive a lecture from the Slytherin Baron, I just float on,
I float on.

You'll hear a pop, and in I'll drop with balloons filled to burst
I'm such a thug when I pull rugs, you'll know that you have been coerced

Once Filch has heard all my curse words, I love to egg him on, I just gloat on,
I float on.

And though the gum will make me glum when it shoots up my nose
I won't get honked, I'll grab a conk, dressed in my most outlandish clothes

So if its Black or Heir attack, my lungs possess much brawn, I just float on,
I float on.
So rude and wrong, just like my song, I just float on,
I float on.

He's Not There

To the tune of She's Not There by the Zombies

THE SCENE: Filch's office. Enter FILCH

FILCH
Albus told me about Peeves, and all his pranks
But who could ever have believed he'd make me a crank?
But if you've time, please hear my story
How he cackles and how he swears.
But when I have to try to find him
He's not there!

Well, let me tell you he's a Poltergeist
The way he's floatin', the colors that he wears
His voice is loud and cruel
He wants to get your conk so please beware

Ooh, nobody told me that rude words were all he knew
No one told me the Baron's all he listens to
But now he's emptied out a chalk bin
And ruined this room past repair
But there's no purpose served in talkin'
He's not there!

Well, let me tell you he's a Poltergeist
The way he's cacklin', the colors that he wears
His voice is loud and cruel
He wants to get your conk so please beware

And it's so hard to trap this quarry
He'll poke your nose or pull your hair
The Friar grants him yet more chances
Peeves don't care!

Well, let me tell you he's a Noisy Ghost
He hates the Firsties, they're Ickles that he scares
His voice is loud and cruel
He's gonna get your conk so please beware!

Enter Peeves, who gets FILCH's conk, and exits, laughing maniacally. Exit FILCH in close - and vain - pursuit

Peeves the Poltergeist

A filk by Lilac to the tune of I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus

HARRY:
Peeves the Poltergeist was filling-in
Dirty lyrics into Christmas songs.
The armor suits forgot
All the words, and Peeves had thought
He'd add some phrases nasty that would
Makes one's face all hot!

Peeves the Poltergeist was chuckling
Since he did embarrass everyone.
Now I'll never sing straight-faced
The song What Child is This?
Peeves has tainted all the Christmas songs!

Magical History Bore

To the tune of The Beatles' Magical Mystery Tour

THE SCENE: History of Magic class. Students mourn (not very deeply, though) the sudden death of the History of Magic professor, BINNS. As they await the arrival of their new substitute, the ghost of BINNS make his first appearance as walks through the blackboard …

BINNS
Rise up, rise up as the History bore.
Rise up, rise up as the History bore.
Rise up for I'm an apparition, rise up as the History bore.
Rise up I'll speak sans intermission, rise up as the History bore.
The Magical History bore is going to talk here all day
Going to talk here all day

Rise up, rise up as the History bore.
Rise up, rise up as the History bore.
Rise up I'll give you dreary things to read, rise up as the History bore.
Rise up stupefaction guaranteed, rise up as the History bore.
The Magical History bore is wanting to talk here all day
Wanting to talk here all day

Rise up, rise up as the History bore.
Rise up, rise up as the History bore.
Rise up as a new emanation, rise up as the History bore.
Rise up for massive annotation, rise up and make everyone snore.
The Magical History bore, for dying won't take me away,
Dying won't take me away, take me away……

launches into a lecture about 11th Century Goblin fiscal policy and taxation reform which lulls everyone into a deep slumber

The Old Ghost Teacher

To the tune of The Old Dope Peddler by Tom Lehrer

When the History class opens
Comes a scholar all find quite dull
It's the Old Ghost Teacher
Who will rapidly numb each skull

He makes Goblin wars sound boring,
Uric the Oddball seem bland
It's the Old Ghost Teacher
Who keeps Hist'ry in low demand

He makes a striking entrance:
He through a blackboard walks
But Binns proves that he's a has-been
Right from the moment he first talks

If none knew that young Tom Riddle
Became Evil Voldemort
Blame the Old Ghost Teacher
Through his "Dark Arts" lecture they snored.

That Girl Who's Mean To Me

A filk by Lilac to the tune The Girl I Mean To Be from the musical The Secret Garden

THE SCENE: Hogwarts 1942. Myrtle runs into the 1st floor girls bathroom, stumbles into the last stall and locks the door. She is, of course, crying......

I have this place where I can go
Where I can cry and be alone,
Where I can whisper to myself,
"That wicked Olive Hornby!"

I have this place where I can hide,
Where no one sees my pain inside.
Where I can make my plans
For my revenge, so I can peeve her.

A place where I can scream and moan and sob
And no one minds me.
A place where I can go pretend I'm lost
So no one finds me.

I need this place where no one says,
"Hey, four-eyes, ugly-pimply-face!"
I promise when I'm dead I'll haunt
That girl who's mean to me.

Myrtle hears the door to the bathroom open. She hears a boy's voice hissing some funny words. She opens up the stall to tell that boy to get out of the girls bathroom, but the first [and last] thing she sees is a pair of big yellow eyes....

Look What Happened to Myrtle

A filk by Constance Vigilance to the tune of Look What Happened to Mabel from Jerry Herman's Mack and Mabel

MOANING MYRTLE (intro):
Miss Four-eyes from Hogwarts who haunts the girl's loo
In the place where I took my last breath.
Olive Hornby is gone, so what else could I do?
I hang out here and contemplate death.

See that fascinating spector
All the Hogwarts girls at last respect her
When they come here to wee
It's just wee little me
But Mother of Merlin, what happened to Myrtle!

I may have passed from flesh to spirit
But when you pass gas, you'll know I hear it
I'm here in the bend
Looking at your back end
Godric and Helga, what happened to Myrtle!

I used to be a weepy weakling, when I died
But now I'm a force again.
Came in here to find a quiet place to hide
And now I'm in porcelain!

Pull that chain, I know what's coming
Because I'm the Queen of Hogwarts Plumbing
I was plain little Tilly
But I see your willy
So rattle me beads
Look what happened to Myrtle!

Tease me when my face was spotty,
For revenge, I got you on the potty!
And the girl with the glasses
Is tickling asses
It's somethin' to see. Look what happened to Myrtle!

When I hear the sound of flushing
Gotta hurry with the water rushing
If I make a mistake
I end up in the Lake.

Mother Machree, look what happened to Myrtle!
I used to exit Hogwarts on the Hogwarts train
But fate is capricious
Suddenly I find I'm going down the drain
To mermen and fishes
St. Aloysius!

You might say something rude and scathing
That I'm watching prefects when they're bathing.
But without flesh or bones
I've got teenage hormones.
Jumpin' St. Jude
Look what happened to Myrtle!

Hogwarts Faculty and Staff

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