Helga Hufflepuff, Salazar S. Slytherin, What Are the Simple Joys of Gryffindors? and You Gotta Have Smarts Copyright 2003, 2004 by Constance Vigilance; Founder of the Serpent's House and Salazar's Song Copyright 2003 by Salazar; Just the Way You Are Copyright 2005 by Jill
A filk by Constance Vigilance to the tune of Jubilation T. Cornpone from the musical Li'l Abner
When a thousand years ago young wizards needed to know
Who was there to slam the door and leave them out in the snow?
Why it was Salazar S. Slytherin; Old "I Hate Children"
Salazar S. Slytherin, He gave them the heave-ho.
His three best friends decided that the time for Hogwarts was here.
Who agreed provided that requirements were made clear?
Why it was Salazar S. Slytherin; "Don't Let the Impure In"
Salazar S. Slytherin, Eugenics Pioneer.
The first Hogwarts Express arrived on Hogwarts opening day.
Who ensured they made the trip the hardest possible way?
Why it was Salazar S. Slytherin; Old "No Apparatin' In"
Salazar S. Slytherin, he jinxed the place that day!
HURRAY!
Ambition, drive and cunning guile, he thought those traits were the best
Who kept these students for his house and promptly shunned all the rest?
Why it was Salazar S. Slytherin; Old "Protect your own skin"
Salazar S. Slytherin, he got the cagey-est.
With students walking all above with ne'er a thought to the risk,
Who built a dungeon in a loo to keep a pet basilisk?
Why it was Salazar S. Slytherin; Old "Snakey and Witherin'".
Salazar S. Slytherin, a Parseltongue linguist.
When Hogwarts opened up its doors to all without his consent,
Who got his shorts bunched in a knot and took his marbles and went?
Why it was Salazar S. Slytherin; Old "Sulky and Ditherin'."
Salazar S. Slytherin, The Heir will soon be sent!
FINALE:
Though he's gone to his reward, his mighty torch is still lit.
First in line. First to whine. First to holler, "I quit!"
Why it was Salazar S. Slytherin; The hero of little men,
Salazar S. Slytherin, he came, he saw, he split.
A filk by Salazar to the tune of Gilbert and Sullivan's Major General Song from The Pirates of Penzance.
SALAZAR
I am the very person who is founder of the Serpent's House
My prejudiced ideals have made Godric think I am a louse.
I'm sarcastic and quite rude as well as Parseltongue endowed
And I want a new policy that says no Mudbloods are allowed.
I am highly pureblood maniac and utterly supremacist
I am villainous and wicked just as well as a complete sadist
I don't believe in anything so stupid as morality.
I consider right and wrong to have a measure of banality.
SLYTHERINS
He considers right and wrong to have a measure of banality
He considers right and wrong to have a measure of banality
He considers right and wrong to have a measure of banality!
SALAZAR
I prefer the kids whose magic is familially hereditary
And I destroy your homework with a load of vicious commentary
In short I swear to all of you that Slytherin I do espouse
In fact I am the person who is founder of the Serpent's house
SLYTHERINS
In short we swear to all of you that Slytherin he does espouse
In fact he is the person who is founder of the Serpent's house.
SALAZAR
I'm portrayed as quite a monster fictionally and historically
"Why was he born at all" is now a query quite rhetorically
I am easily compared with Adolph Hitler, though improperly
And Voldemort compared to me is bloody David Copperfield
Although he is my grandson he has wrecked my whole house damnably
I can't believe that he and I are part of the same family!
Although, despite our differences, we both were glad to take the risk
And torment Hogwarts School with an entirely hungry Basilisk!
SLYTHERINS
And torment Hogwarts School with an entirely hungry Basilisk!
And torment Hogwarts School with an entirely hungry Basilisk!
And torment Hogwarts School with an entirely hungry Basilisk!
SALAZAR
I can set a basilisk upon the students oh so willingly
Yes, my bigotry's intrinsic to the wholeness of my villainy.
In short I swear to all of you that Slytherin I do espouse
In fact I am the person who is founder of the Serpent's house
SLYTHERINS
In short we swear to all of you that Slytherin he does espouse
In fact he is the person who is founder of the Serpent's house.
SALAZAR
In fact, when I become less so a figure only in fanfics
And take up a position with the likes of Crouch and Bellatrix
And Slytherin is fin'lly seen as humane and not ster-yo-typed
And Dumbledore is seen at last as "stupid old guy" archetype
Perhaps Ron Weasley will one day get slightly more antipathy
And Mr. Draco Malfoy will get just an ounce of sympathy.
But JKR will never let any of that stuff start it seems.
But at least me and all my house will always have the right to dream!
SLYTHERINS (sadly)
But at least we and all our house will always have the right to dream!
But at least we and all our house will always have the right to dream!
But at least we and all our house will always have the right to dream!
SALAZAR
But perhaps it's better that me and my evil blood fanaticism
Remain a figure shrouded in myst'ry and enigmaticism!
In short I swear to all of you that Slytherin I do espouse
In fact I am the person who is founder of the Serpent's house
SLYTHERINS
In short we swear to all of you that Slytherin he does espouse
In fact he is the person who is founder of the Serpent's house.
A filk by Salazar to the tune of I Am a Pirate King from Gilbert and Sullivan's The Pirates of Penzance
SALAZAR
Oh better far to use Dark Arts
Than to let in Mudblood upstarts
For their admittance has me sore
Though they're almost all in Gryffindor....
And Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw take them too
When I'd like to send them all out the floo
But I'll give them glances witherin'
And take purebloods in Slytherin!
SLYTHERINS
For...he rules all Slytherin!
And it's true, it's true, the house cup you win
When you rule Slytherin!
For he rules all Slytherin!
And it's true, it's true, the house cup you win
When you rule Slytherin!
SALAZAR
I'm Salazar Slytherin!
When I teach my students all I know
I don't spare AK or Crucio
The Dark Arts, you can ridicule 'em
But for me they're good curriculum!
My fellows might think that I've gone too far
GODRIC
You're a fascist racist, Salazar!
SALAZAR (to Godric)
I'll crucio you till your head doth spin
Don't mess with the Head of Slytherin!
For....I rule all Slytherin!
SLYTHERINS
And it's true, it's true, the house cup you win
When you rule Slytherin!
For he rules all Slytherin!
And it's true, it's true, the house cup you win
When you rule Slytherin!
ALL I'm/He's Salazar Slytherin!
A filk by Constance Vigilance to the tune of You Gotta Have Heart from the musical Damn Yankees.
THE SCENE: The four founders are arguing about what makes the best Hogwarts student. Godric Gryffindor says it's bravery, Helga Hufflepuff proposes diligence, Salazar Slyterin wants cunning and guile. But Rowena Ravenclaw has something else in mind ....
ROWENA RAVENCLAW:
[Spoken over the musical lead-in]
See guys, that's what I'm talking about. Magic is only one half
skill, the other half is something else.....something bigger!
sings
You've gotta have smarts!
With the sciences and arts.
If you want to be a Ravenclaw plebe
Your IQ must be beyond the charts.
You gotta be wise
Enough to win a Nobel Prize.
When the cards are cut it's you with the ace,
No second place or ties.
If stupidity's your Boggart,
Then you're halfway through the door,
If your last name isn't Lockhart
You're the one I'm looking for!
Be at the Tower in an hour.
You gotta be bright
For an Eagle House invite.
Oh it's fine to be a Quidditch jock, too.
The Bronze and the Blue Unite!
But ya gotta read and write.
You must be A-plus
Before becoming one of us.
You must carry that intelligence gene
You better be seen a genius.
You gotta earn praise,
Speak in witty repartes.
The head is better than a gray matter store,
An anchorage for toupees.
If your attic's a bit dusty,
And your belfry's full of fluff,
And your synapses are rusty,
Well, there's always Hufflepuff.
You will be glad you're with the Badger.
You gotta be smart
Put your head before your heart.
Oh it's fine to be impulsive of course,
But that's just a horse without a cart.
First you gotta be smart.
The Four resume arguing, fade to black
A filk by Constance Vigilance - to honor our second Great Founder we will borrow the theme from H.R. Pufnstuf. (Confess, you do remember this tune!)
Helga Hufflepuff
Who's your friend when things get rough?
Helga Hufflepuff
She'll teach you until you've learned enough.
Helga came from valley fair
And never thought of leaving there.
She spun her spells with great success
She was a mighty sorceress.
One night she was asleep in bed
She heard a voice inside her head,
"You need to start a school, Helga
Start a wizard schoo-oo-oo-ool."
She knew not what that would become
But very soon, she found a chum.
Rowena Ravenclaw was she
Then Godric Gryffindor made three.
And his best friend
Was Salazar Slytherin.
But they had not
Yet found a spot.
So the search went on and on and on and on and on and on.
But at last they found a space -
A forest, lake, a perfect place!
A castle on a high ascent
And charmed with Disillusionment!
The school was ready to begin
But who should be invited in?
The smart, the brave, or should it be
(spoken) Just those of purest pedigree?
But Helga said, "If they've got heart
I'll teach them all, I'll do my part."
And so her days were wondrous full
Of magic pedagogical.
Helga Hufflepuff
Who's your friend when things get rough?
Helga Hufflepuff
She'll teach you until you've learned enough.
Helga Hufflepuff
Who's your friend when things get rough?
Helga Hufflepuff
She'll teach you until you've learned enough.
A filk by Jill to the tune of Just the Way You Are by Billy Joel
THE SCENE: 1,000+ years ago, Helga Hufflepuff contemplates the type of student that she wants for her house at Hogwarts...
HELGA HUFFLEPUFF:
Don't need bravery, to try and please me
Your better off in Gryffindor
Don't imagine you've got courage
You don't belong where lions roar
I don't want clever contemplation
From gifted minds those eagles draw
You don't excel at wit and learning
Like those brains in Ravenclaw
Don't go looking for ambition
Those snakes want power to ensnare
Only purebloods are right for Slytherin
And half bloods haven't got a prayer
I see that you are just and loyal
Though you may not be a star
You are a good kid, and you are special
I'll take you just the way you are
I need to know that you will always be
A faithful friend who's always true
I hope you will work hard and be loyal to me
As Hufflepuff is loyal to you
I said I choose you and that's forever
And this I promise from the heart
The hat has chosen to the letter
I want you just the way you are
I see that you are just and loyal
Though you may not be a star
You're a good kid, and you are special
I'll take you just the way you are
It's been a long time coming, but here is Constance Vigilance's final installment in her project to enfilk all the Founders. For Gryffindor, she uses Where Are the Simple Joys of Maidenhood? from Camelot. ( In this midi, they spend a good half of it in introduction - the relevant part begins at about the half-way point.)
THE SCENE: The Founders are arguing about what makes the most desirable Hogwarts student. Godric Gryffindor has heard Salazar argue for cunning, Rowena for intelligence, Helga, well, Helga doesn't really KNOW what she wants, but likes to take part in any good argument anyway. Godric doesn't really see what the problem is. To him, it's a no-brainer:
GODRIC:
What are the simple joys of Gryffindors?
Who must you be to join my humble crew?
There is only this simple test
That Gryffindors must have addressed,
A few tiny things that you must do:
You must rush in where timid folk would not explore
Standing firm when the Slytherins quickly flee.
Let Hufflepuffs equivocate
And Ravenclaws negotiate
"Let's Go!" is what you're hearing from a Gryffindor.
Duel against Death without a sweat
Decapitate a troll or three.
With a basilisk, go tete-a-tete,
Then knock off for tea.
These are the simple joys of Gryffindors.
Up against the wall, your spirit really soars!
When you're outnumbered ten to one
Do you say "Now we're having fun!"
Oh, these are the little joys
Harmless, noncommittal joys,
These are the simple joys of Gryffindors.