Argus Filch

Keeper of the House by Lisa I.
If I Were a Wizard by Mariner
I Wanna Be A Professor by MagicPoni
Willie Nelson's Scruffy English Brother by Anne Urbanski
The KwikSpell Lesson
Class
*(I Can't Take No) Sadist Action
**Hate You Two
**Student Here by The Final Stillness of Saturn
*Spy Kitties (And the Squibs Who Love Them) by Happybeans

* = post-OOP
** = post-HBP

Copyright 2003, 2005-2006 by Caius Marcius except Keeper of the House Copyright 2001 by Lisa I.; If I Were a Wizard Copyright 2002 by Mariner; I Wanna Be A Professor Copyright 2003 by MagicPoni; Willie Nelson's Scruffy English Brother Copyright 2003 by Anne Urbanski; Spy Kitties (And the Squibs Who Love Them) Copyright 2004 by Happybeans; Student Here Copyright 2007 by The Final Stillness of Saturn

A filk by Lisa I., to the tune of Master of the House from Les Miserables

Curtain. FILCH with quill, writing at his desk.

FILCH
Dear Headmaster,
Here's your report,
I tried my best
But can't keep it short...
Punishing pests,
Updating files,
As for the rest--
You'll see in a while.
Seldom do you see
Upright men like me--
A fine man with a spine
Who's only trying to be...

[grumbling]
Keeper of the House
Guardian of the gates
Ready with detention for those reprobates!
Spots a liar's tale
Makes a little list
Rules the troublemakers with an iron fist!
Glad to do old Snape a favor
Yes, he seems to understand:
Students need to pay or they will get stuck-up and out of hand...

[warming to the topic]
Keeper of the House
Keeper of the zoo
Running after kids is more than I should do!
Get a couple chains
Water and dry bread
Lock 'em in the dungeon standing on their heads!
Everybody hates the bad guy
But that is what I'm paid to do--
Whatever it will take to make them toe the line, that's what I'll do!

FRED and GEORGE, leading a chain-gang chorus outside Filch's office, banging pots and pans

CHORUS
Keeper of the House
Quick to take a point,
Loves a good excuse to throw you in the joint!
Eyes on every floor,
Locks on every gate,
Likes to smack infractions whether small or great!
And he's got this cat companion
Boy, is she a royal pain!

FILCH
Come on, Mrs. Norris,
Cor! this is an awful ruddy day!

FILCH returns to his letter

FILCH
Dear Headmaster,
Now for the punch,
I hope you're not yet
Eating your lunch...
I have to say
Peeves is a curse
His pranks are growing
Worse and yet worse
Contest there can't be
Of the lists so long
If only you could see
What Peeves has done so wrong...!

Good food everywhere!
House-elves in a state!
And he dared to speak to me in words of hate!
Smearings on the wall!
Toilets overflowed!
And there was graffiti saying I'm a toad!
Putting gum wads in a door lock
Writing swear words on the board,
It's beyond all reason and his dirty pranks I can't afford...

Vandals scrawling here,
Vandals scrawling there,
All the mess just makes me want to tear my hair!
Here a wardrobe smashed
There a curtain cut,
I'm constantly erasing all the dirt and smut!
Running out of Mrs. Skower's,
Running out of sanity!
Oh the little slimeys
How they love to try me
Blimey! what a trial to be me!

CHORUS
Keeper of the House
Quick to take a point
Love a good excuse to haul you in the joint!
Eyes on every floor
Locks on every gate
Likes to smack infractions whether small or great!
And he's got this cat companion,
Dearly whom we'd like to kick

FILCH
Come on, Mrs. Norris,
Cor! this day has given me some stick!

Enter PEEVES, dressed like a French tavern mistress, vamping

PEEVES
I used to think
Old Dumble had a brain
But have you seen
What he's hired as caretaker? He's insane!

Keeper of the House?
What a silly git!
Thinks he runs the castle, but he's such a twit!
Morals up to here--
Platitudes to there--
Thinks he's got my number--but there's not much there

PEEVES waves a tiny phantom wand

Waging war upon my antics,
What's a poltergeist to do?
How I love to fib and teach the little Squib a thing or two!

FILCH and CHORUS
Keeper of the House!

PEEVES
Keeper of the dump!

FILCH and CHORUS
Likes to smack infractions

PEEVES
Ah, the silly lump!

FILCH and CHORUS
Eyes on every floor,
Locks on every gate,

PEEVES
Bats about a hundredth, I would estimate!

CHORUS
Let's all drink a toast to Argus,
Give his cat a fresh white mouse!
Everybody raise a roar!

PEEVES
Let's all see his Kwikspell score!

FILCH and CHORUS
Everybody raise a roar for the Keeper of the House!

A filk by Mariner to the tune of If I Were a Rich Man from Fiddler on the Roof.

SCENE: Having enrolled in a Kwikspell course, ARGUS FILCH fantasizes about the joys of being a wizard.

FILCH (spoken): I realize, of course, that's it's no shame to be a Squib. But it's no great honor, either. So what would've been so terrible if I had a little magic?

(music)
If I were a wizard,
Alohamora-mora-mora-mora-diddle-dum!
All day long I'd Reparo-paro-pum,
If I was a magic man.
Wouldn't have to scrub floors.
Leviosa-osa-osa-diddle-dum!
If I was a biddy-biddy wiz,
Reparo-paro magic man.

I'd build a great big tower with bars on the windows
Right in the middle of the school,
With thick stone walls and a nasty dungeon full of rats
There would be cold dark cells where I could lock up
All the snotty little kids who break the rules,
And a torture chamber for the Weasley brats.

I'd cast a spell to turn bad children into furry mice
For my little cat to chase.
No one would misbehave again, at least not twice,
I'd teach them all to know their place!
They'd respect me if I were a magic man.

If I were a wizard,
Expelliarmus-armus-armus-diddle-dum!
All day long I'd Reparo-paro-pum,
If I was a magic man.
Wouldn't have to scrub floors.
Serpensortia-tia-tia-diddle-dum!
If I was a biddy-biddy wiz,
Reparo-paro magic man.

I see my cat, Mrs. Norris, being my familiar,
With her soft and silky fur,
Sleeping on a velvet cushion by the fire.
I see her playing in her own catnip garden,
Then curling up in my lap to purr.
To what more can a wizard's cat aspire?

The big shots from the Ministry would come to fawn on me!
They would ask me to advise them,
As if I was Dumbledore.
"If you please, Mr. Filch…"
"Pardon me, Mr. Filch…"
Bowing low to me and groveling on the floor!
And it won't make one bit of difference what I do or what I say,
When you're a wizard they assume you're always right.

If I were magic, I could do what I want,
I would cast a new spell every day.
I'd dine at the staff table in the Great Hall,
And tell the professors `bout the spells I've cast,
And they would nod their heads and say,
That I'm the greatest wizard of them all.

If I were a wizard,
Alohamora-mora-mora-mora-diddle-dum!
All day long I'd Reparo-paro-pum,
If I was a magic man.
Wouldn't have to scrub floors.
Leviosa-osa-osa-diddle-dum!
If I was a biddy-biddy wiz,
Reparo-paro magic man.

A filk by MagicPoni to the tune of I Wanna Be a Producer from The Producers

RON gets detention with other students, FILCH shows a side nobody's ever seen before......

RON & STUDENTS:
Unhappy...unhappy..very unhappy
Unhappy...unhappy...
Very very very very very
Very very unhappy

RON:
Oh, I sweep up all the mornin'
An' I clean up all the eb'nin
Until dem' trophies do shine

RON & STUDENTS:
Until dem' trophies do shine

FILCH:
I spend my life a' sweeping
with broomsticks and such

STUDNETS:
Unhappy

FILCH:
To what is my life amounting
It figures, not much

STUDENTS:
Unhappy

FILCH:
I have a secret desire
Hiding deep in my soul
It sets my heart afire
To see me in this role
I wanna be a professor
With the hit class at Hogwarts
I wanna be a professor
Teach those students til' it smarts
I wanna be a professor
Sport a new wand with some fame
I wanna be a professor
And drive those students all insane!
I wanna be a professor

And teach until half-past two
I wanna be a professor
And say, "You, you, you, not you" (points to Neville)
I wanna be a professor
No more work on Friday nights!
I wanna be a professor
And see my name "Argus Filch" in lights! (goes all Broadway)

STUDENTS:
He wants to be a professor

FILCH:
Spell it, guys!

STUDENTS:
Of a great big Hogwarts class

FILCH:
Don't forget your Alchemy!

STUDENTS:
He wants to be a professor
Ev'ry pocket stuffed with quills
He wants to be a professor
Give out tests til' we cry
STUDENT #1:
Ouch!
STUDENT #2:
Eek!
STUDENT #3:
Ooh!
STUDENT #4:
Oh!
NEVILLE
No!
HERMIONE
Yes!
STUDENTS:
He wants to be a professor
With a great big office desk!

FILCH:
I wanna be...

STUDENTS:
He wants to be...

FILCH:
I wanna be...

STUDENTS:
He wants to be...

FILCH:
I wanna be the greatest, grandest
And most fabulous professor in the world

STUDNETS:
He wants to be a professor
He wants to dine with Headmaster Dumbledore

FILCH:
I just gotta be a professor
Give homework til' they puke!

STUDENTS:
Give homework til' we puke!

FILCH:
I wanna be a professor
Show the world just what I've got
I'm gonna teach a class
That will enthrall 'em

STUDENTS & FILCH:
Read his/my name in Witch's column!

FILCH:
I wanna be a professor
'Cause it's everything I'm not

STUDENTS & RON:
Unhappy...unhappy...
So unhappy

FILCH, RON, & STUDENTS:
Very very very very very
very very..

STUDENTS:
...sad

FILCH:
I wanna be a professor
(spoken) Hold everything! What am I doing here? Mr. Ollivander was right!
There is a lot more to me than there is to me!
Stop the school, I wanna get on!

ALBUS (spoken):
Filch, what do you think you're doing?

FILCH (spoken):
Dumbledore, I've got news for you. I quit!
Here's my duster...my Kwikspell Correspondence Course in Beginners' Magic... and my big finish!
(music resumes) I'm gonna be a professor
Sound the bell til' class is done!
I'm gonna be a professor
Look out Hogwarts, here I come!!

RON & STUDENTS:
Hogwarts, here he comes!

To the tune of The Folk Song Army by Tom Lehrer

THE SCENE: The Caretaker's Office. With great excitement, FILCH opens a large glossy purple envelope which contains his introductory KwikSpell lesson.

FILCH:
Here is my KwikSpell lesson
Designed for all of us squibs
It's got each spell simply spelled out before you
Except the ones you ad-lib

There are inordinate hurdles
For those whose wandwork is weak
But now with this course via correspondence
Why, Fred & George will have to learn to get meek.

FILCH reads from the First Lesson's introduction

"If you cannot do Apparation
Study your Kwikspell today
Your life will gain Scintillation
So - do not mind all the Galleons you'll pay"

Those kids may think that they're clever
But supposin' I was to throw a couple extra monkey wrenches into their plans
I'll learn to use all the stuff in my drawers I've
Confiscated as contraband

Recall D.J. Prod of Didsbury
Once Warlocking powers he lacked
And much he was mocked by his Missus
Till he turned her into a yak

So, I'll start my Kwik-Spell lessons
I'll pick up ev'ry magical trick
And become a great wizard like Sev'rus & Dumble
Ready....swish.....flick!

FILCH waves his wand. Nothing happens. He waves it again. Black-out

To the tune of (I Can't Get No) Satisfaction by Mick Jagger and Keith Richards

THE SCENE: The Hog's Head. It's open mike night, and ARGUS FILCH, having had one too many Mai-Tais, stumbles on stage to lament certain restrictions in his job description.

FILCH:
I can't take no sadist action, I can't take no sadist action
And though my battle cry says to fry each wise guy
I can't take no, I can't take no

When I'm roaming through the halls and the twins come on all radical
They're telling me Dumbledore is bannin' ruthless strangulation
And he'll fire insubordination

I can't take no. Oh, no, no, no. Hey, hey, hey
That's what they say
I can't take no sadist action, I can't take no sadist action
And though I would imply each wise guy oughta die
I can't take no, I can't take no

Well, Umbridge writes a decree, and she say she gonna show 'em
How hard my whip can hit
But the twins mutiny and summon a swamp
And Delores has to quit

I can't take no. Oh, no, no, no. Hey, hey, hey
That's what they say
I can't take no sadist action, I can't take no sadist action
And though I want to cry, "Crucify each wise guy!"
I can't take no, I can't take no

When I'm hearin' from my cat
And she's spyin' this and she's spottin' that
And we're tryin' to catch some git, like Potter
But he thinks I'm just a bloody old joke
As he sneaks 'round in his magic cloak.
I can't take no. Oh, no, no, no. Hey, hey, hey
That's what they say. I can't take no, I can't take no
I can't take no sadist action, no sadist action,
No sadist action, no sadist action……

To the tune of Love You To by the Beatles

THE SCENE: The Caretaker's Office - FILCH fantasizes about wreaking dire vengeance against Fred & George, while in the background Mrs. Norris dithers with some weird musical device that her master just confiscated from the Parvati twins.

FILCH:
Each twin just moves so quick
They really make me sick
Don't let them think to raise a stink with me

I will kick their can
I'm such a mean old man

Those redheads bought up short
Exiled from Hogwarts
I'll have excelled when they're expelled, you see.

Make war good and loud
Make war till they're cowed.

Those Weasleys sneaking round
With Wheezes I'll impound
I'll fill my desk with all the things I seize.

I've got plans for you
For I hate you two.

A filk by The Final Stillness of Saturn to the tune of Nelly's Hot in Here

FILCH:
Student.....
A student here.....
A student.....

Want a little bit of "AH! AH!"
And a little bit of "AH! AH!"
Just a little bit of "AH! AH!"

It is night; kids in bed, so they said.
Right! Catch them red; wanna skin them dead.
Lookin' for the next time to shoot my steam. (You know.)
Lookin' for the next time to hear them scream.
Then, uh, I'm chainin'. Let me hang 'em.
Let me beat all of those heathens.
Check it: have 'em locked up through each of the four seasons.
Shackles, paddles, get them feelin'.
No deceivin', nothin up their sleeves, no teasin'.
Now, I want to set up--up a torture floor.
Is that too much to ask him for?
Cuz they're always bustin' stuff, and I feel like gettin' rough.
And can't nobody stop their bluffs, so, Albus, let me - stop your fluff.

I said
Think there's a student here (student)
They're right under my nose.
I am getting that kid. I wanna tan his hide off.
That there's a student here (student)
Who's gonna be exposed.
I am getting that kid. I wanna tan his hide off.

Why do you say no… 'less you've been emptyin' bottles?
You're not usin' the dungeon that I wanna remodel.
I could be beatin', hides bared, be endin' their twaddle.
'Cause I'd go down and start the thrashing, give 'em a waddle.
No more detentions; time to alter how I treat 'em.
Stink bombs, stealing, I'll defeat 'em.
Cause distresses with messes, go down and beat 'em.
Let me start cuz then I can repeat 'em.
Cold sweatin', dread will live in their cell.
See all the fear, breathe in the smell.
So come on, Albus; there's nothin' you will loose.
All their secrets I can stop soon.
So just take off and leave me alone.
You know I'll have it all set up by when you get home:
Dungeon, my sweet dungeon and no mess to clean up.
Albus, won't you please just let me win?

(I said)
Think there's a student here (student)
They're right under my nose.
I am getting that kid. I wanna tan his hide off.
(I said)
That there's a student here (student)
Who's gonna be exposed.
I am getting that kid. I wanna tan his hide off.

I will go all out!

Beat a little bit for "AH! AH!"
Whip a little bit for "AH! AH!"
Hear a little bit of "AH! AH!"
Whip a little bit for "AH! AH!"
Whip a little bit for "AH! AH!"
And a little of that "AH! AH!"
I like it when they "AH! AH!"
Please, Albus, let them "AH! AH!"

Stop flouting; I'm pouting.
I wanna start to build it now in the basement (When?)
Hear 'em bringin' the chains in. (Yeah.)
Come on; let me do it.
I can smell the stink bomb fumes!
'Less I can give out trips to students to Neptune.
Get rid of all the tricksters out in the common rooms.
How glad I'd be with you for grantin' this one boon.

Think there's a student here (student)
They're right under my nose.
I am getting that kid. I wanna tan his hide off.
That there's a student here (student)
Who's gonna be exposed.
I am getting that kid. I wanna tan his hide off.
Think there's a student here (student)
They're right under my nose.
I am getting that kid. I wanna tan his hide off.
That there's a student here (student)
Who's gonna be exposed.
I am getting that kid. I wanna tan his hide off.

Beat a little bit for "AH! AH!"
Whip a little bit for "AH! AH!"
Hit a little bit of "AH! AH!"
With a little bit of "AH! AH!"
With a little bit of "AH! AH!"
And a sprinkle of that "AH! AH!"
I like it when ya "AH! AH!"
Please, Albus, let them "AH! AH!"

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